1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:42,908 --> 00:00:47,277 Coolidge College was established in 18-- 3 00:00:47,379 --> 00:00:49,870 Who knows this? It was in your freshman facts. 4 00:00:49,982 --> 00:00:53,440 The first day of spring semester. 5 00:00:53,552 --> 00:00:55,611 A time to say good-bye to the parents once again... 6 00:00:55,721 --> 00:00:58,713 and say hello to a few new student bodies. 7 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,120 As for me, well... 8 00:01:04,229 --> 00:01:08,461 I like to start off each semester with a certain time-honored tradition. 9 00:01:08,567 --> 00:01:10,933 A ritual, if you will, that allows me... 10 00:01:11,036 --> 00:01:13,300 to get my head in the right place. 11 00:01:18,877 --> 00:01:22,369 Okay, so Suk Mee's a little old... 12 00:01:23,615 --> 00:01:26,209 but she is just so damn good. 13 00:01:28,420 --> 00:01:30,752 She's great with these quick jobs... 14 00:01:30,856 --> 00:01:33,984 plus there is no substitute for decades of experience. 15 00:01:34,092 --> 00:01:36,822 That looks amazing. 16 00:01:38,597 --> 00:01:40,155 That is perfect. You're a pro. 17 00:01:40,265 --> 00:01:41,664 A pro. 18 00:01:43,035 --> 00:01:44,332 Look at me. 19 00:01:44,436 --> 00:01:45,733 Pro. 20 00:01:47,606 --> 00:01:50,871 Well, gosh, that was great. Thanks for the quick job there. 21 00:01:54,079 --> 00:01:55,444 I need these in 20 minutes. 22 00:01:56,982 --> 00:01:58,279 Super. 23 00:02:15,634 --> 00:02:18,467 We've got a jumper! 24 00:02:32,651 --> 00:02:35,484 Hold on, son. You don't want to do this. 25 00:02:35,587 --> 00:02:39,114 I didn't want to come here either. They made me come! 26 00:02:39,224 --> 00:02:40,748 They made me! 27 00:02:42,894 --> 00:02:45,727 First year can be kind of scary, can't it, Timmy? 28 00:02:45,831 --> 00:02:48,356 My name's not-- 29 00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:51,732 But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... 30 00:02:51,837 --> 00:02:53,395 Timmy? 31 00:02:53,505 --> 00:02:56,599 I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter... 32 00:02:56,708 --> 00:02:58,573 because you'll die a lot of times. 33 00:02:59,444 --> 00:03:01,674 Write that down. 34 00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:05,341 - I don't have a pen. - Well, remember that then. 35 00:03:05,450 --> 00:03:07,850 And you know something, Timmy? 36 00:03:09,688 --> 00:03:12,350 I think you've got the balls to make it here. 37 00:03:12,457 --> 00:03:14,357 Call me nuts... 38 00:03:15,627 --> 00:03:17,527 but I believe in you. 39 00:03:20,032 --> 00:03:23,092 You see, Timmy, you can't let this lead you all the time. 40 00:03:23,201 --> 00:03:26,261 Sometimes you've gotta heed this. 41 00:03:26,371 --> 00:03:29,863 I think you've got a lot of heart in there, mister, don't you? 42 00:03:31,043 --> 00:03:33,511 Don't you? I mean, look around you. 43 00:03:38,216 --> 00:03:39,308 Timmy? 44 00:03:43,121 --> 00:03:45,089 Great work, Van. Thanks! 45 00:03:45,190 --> 00:03:47,124 Remember my credo, Timmy. 46 00:03:47,225 --> 00:03:50,092 Don't be a fool. Stay in school. 47 00:03:53,632 --> 00:03:55,691 God, I love this place. 48 00:03:57,836 --> 00:03:59,736 Hey, Van. Hey, Van the man. 49 00:03:59,838 --> 00:04:01,863 I called you last night, Van. 50 00:04:05,911 --> 00:04:09,142 My name is Van Wilder, and this is my home... 51 00:04:09,247 --> 00:04:10,612 Coolidge College. 52 00:04:20,592 --> 00:04:23,891 The last, well, seven years have gone by way too fast. 53 00:04:23,995 --> 00:04:28,398 This school's given me so much. I just can't seem to give enough back. 54 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:31,401 - That's Van. - That's him! 55 00:04:32,170 --> 00:04:33,569 Oh, my God! 56 00:04:34,673 --> 00:04:37,073 - Wow. - Yeah. Wow. 57 00:04:44,783 --> 00:04:47,343 I was the first-ever male cheerleader at Huntington High! 58 00:04:47,452 --> 00:04:49,511 The first ever! 59 00:04:50,455 --> 00:04:53,083 Give me a V! Give me an A! 60 00:04:53,191 --> 00:04:55,785 Give me an N! What does it spell? 61 00:04:55,894 --> 00:04:59,625 I see a rabbi, and he's performing a circumcision... 62 00:04:59,731 --> 00:05:01,221 on himself though. 63 00:05:03,135 --> 00:05:04,693 You'll become disciplined. 64 00:05:04,803 --> 00:05:06,634 Your mind will become a weapon. 65 00:05:18,984 --> 00:05:21,578 I'm sorry. You really just don't fit the profile. 66 00:05:24,623 --> 00:05:26,818 We're just gonna do a little bit of word association. 67 00:05:26,925 --> 00:05:28,392 Cookies! 68 00:05:31,997 --> 00:05:34,192 - My name is Van. - Hi, my name is Terry. 69 00:05:38,503 --> 00:05:40,937 Let's get it started then, shall we? 70 00:05:55,253 --> 00:05:56,652 Big finish. 71 00:05:59,991 --> 00:06:01,185 Medic. 72 00:06:01,293 --> 00:06:04,456 - Having us both at the same time... - Will definitely lighten your load. 73 00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:07,555 - We will bend over backwards for you. - There's nothing too big... 74 00:06:07,666 --> 00:06:09,861 - we can't handle. - And we mean nothing. 75 00:06:09,968 --> 00:06:13,233 - We'll stay on top of you... - And ride you all semester. 76 00:06:13,338 --> 00:06:14,999 Basically, we're saying we won't blow the job, Van. 77 00:06:20,111 --> 00:06:23,478 By the way, can you tell me if there'll be any international travel? 78 00:06:25,584 --> 00:06:28,519 Seriously, I swear to God, I'm really uncomfortable now. 79 00:06:28,620 --> 00:06:29,678 It's time you should go. 80 00:06:36,728 --> 00:06:39,253 Not one acceptable candidate. 81 00:06:39,364 --> 00:06:41,491 What is wrong with the youth of today? 82 00:06:43,635 --> 00:06:45,296 The Internet, dude. 83 00:06:45,403 --> 00:06:47,997 Fries their brain cells, man. 84 00:06:49,107 --> 00:06:51,337 It's cool, Colossus. We'll find somebody. 85 00:06:51,443 --> 00:06:53,343 C-los, get your ass off my shirt. 86 00:06:59,651 --> 00:07:01,585 You really should have him neutered, man. 87 00:07:01,686 --> 00:07:03,119 That's up to him. 88 00:07:03,221 --> 00:07:05,781 They are getting bigger, aren't they? 89 00:07:07,959 --> 00:07:09,688 I'll get that. 90 00:07:13,632 --> 00:07:15,293 Looks like we got one more. 91 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,931 What's your name? 92 00:07:25,043 --> 00:07:28,638 I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad. 93 00:07:28,747 --> 00:07:30,544 Where are you from, Taj? 94 00:07:31,650 --> 00:07:34,210 I'm an exchange student from Banglapur, India. 95 00:07:34,319 --> 00:07:37,049 Welcome. What can we do for you? 96 00:07:38,256 --> 00:07:41,589 My exchange program culminates at the end of this school year... 97 00:07:41,693 --> 00:07:44,389 at which time I must return to my home country... 98 00:07:44,496 --> 00:07:47,226 where I do not have many friends. 99 00:07:47,332 --> 00:07:50,961 I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant. 100 00:07:51,069 --> 00:07:53,503 Okay. We're just gonna do a little word association. 101 00:07:53,605 --> 00:07:55,903 Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk. 102 00:07:56,007 --> 00:07:57,565 Tit! 103 00:07:57,676 --> 00:07:59,473 Oh, Mommy. 104 00:07:59,578 --> 00:08:01,739 Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred... 105 00:08:01,846 --> 00:08:04,747 but I hear ”milk," I think giant jugs. 106 00:08:04,849 --> 00:08:07,249 You see, I cannot go home a virgin. 107 00:08:07,352 --> 00:08:10,879 I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. 108 00:08:11,790 --> 00:08:14,520 To smack clam, munch rug... 109 00:08:14,626 --> 00:08:17,390 dine at just one American pink taco stand. 110 00:08:17,495 --> 00:08:20,862 You know, I wanted to-- how is it-- park the porpoise. 111 00:08:20,966 --> 00:08:24,197 I want to take it through the car wash, baby. 112 00:08:24,302 --> 00:08:27,396 And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! 113 00:08:27,505 --> 00:08:29,769 You know, and air dry. 114 00:08:29,874 --> 00:08:32,274 Air dry that shit, yeah. 115 00:08:32,377 --> 00:08:36,211 And I would like to be your assistant very much... 116 00:08:36,314 --> 00:08:38,282 Mr. Van Wilder. 117 00:08:38,383 --> 00:08:40,613 You'll need a copy of my class schedule so you can take notes. 118 00:08:40,719 --> 00:08:42,084 You'll also handle my finances. 119 00:08:42,187 --> 00:08:44,280 I lecture at the freshman crisis group every other Monday. 120 00:08:44,389 --> 00:08:46,357 I'm spearheading the Save the Swim Team Speedo Spectacular... 121 00:08:46,458 --> 00:08:48,619 and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash to Battle Bulimia this semester. 122 00:08:48,727 --> 00:08:51,287 This is Sick Boy's room. Not a week's gone by he hasn't had an ailment. 123 00:08:51,396 --> 00:08:53,796 Shingles, hepatitis, crabs. That was his fault. 124 00:08:53,898 --> 00:08:56,526 - Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin. - Thanks, Van. 125 00:08:56,635 --> 00:08:58,535 Don't pick at it. Moving on. 126 00:08:58,637 --> 00:09:01,765 I'm moving my 7:15 to 8:15, my 8:15 to 9:45... 127 00:09:01,873 --> 00:09:03,864 and my 9:45 till Wednesday. 128 00:09:03,975 --> 00:09:05,875 You owe $75,000 for the speed boat. 129 00:09:05,977 --> 00:09:07,877 Cancel my guest lecture at the Wharton School next week. 130 00:09:07,979 --> 00:09:10,641 I feel like going somewhere tropical. Tahiti. Are you writing this down? 131 00:09:10,749 --> 00:09:12,979 - Yes, sir. - You owe $200,000 for the thoroughbred. 132 00:09:13,084 --> 00:09:16,053 Schedule a massage after my golf game tomorrow afternoon. 133 00:09:16,154 --> 00:09:18,315 - With a happy ending? - Ah, yes. 134 00:09:18,423 --> 00:09:22,382 And another $39,000 for your son's tuition and housing this semester. 135 00:09:22,494 --> 00:09:25,554 Tuition? Van is still in school? 136 00:09:25,664 --> 00:09:27,393 For the better part of a decade. 137 00:09:31,770 --> 00:09:34,864 "Depression: Is Prozac really the answer?" 138 00:09:34,973 --> 00:09:36,873 "Famine-- Crisis in Rwanda." 139 00:09:36,975 --> 00:09:38,875 "Tracking Tuition: Where does our money really go?" 140 00:09:38,977 --> 00:09:42,572 Each article well-written and researched by our own Gwen Pearson... 141 00:09:42,681 --> 00:09:46,947 and each article skipped over by the majority of the student body. 142 00:09:47,052 --> 00:09:49,543 I don't care. I won't pander to them. 143 00:09:53,625 --> 00:09:57,618 "Lite Beer vs. Dark-- The Showdown" by Darius Grayson. 144 00:09:57,729 --> 00:10:00,357 - Is that the same-- - Pulitzer-prize winning Darius Grayson. 145 00:10:00,465 --> 00:10:02,365 He was an alumnus of our journalism staff. 146 00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:05,766 He wrote his best stuff in detox. Still does, I'm told. 147 00:10:05,870 --> 00:10:09,499 I have got a very challenging assignment for you. 148 00:10:09,607 --> 00:10:11,734 A story that nobody's been able to get. 149 00:10:11,843 --> 00:10:14,710 - About what? - No, no. It's about whom. 150 00:10:31,162 --> 00:10:33,460 It does not look good. 151 00:10:33,565 --> 00:10:35,692 That's the end of the first half... 152 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,792 and the Chickadees will need a miracle to come back and score. 153 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,171 Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to step away from Van's vehicle. 154 00:10:51,282 --> 00:10:52,442 Wilder! 155 00:10:52,550 --> 00:10:54,916 He's got no business parking there. That's my spot. 156 00:10:56,755 --> 00:10:58,655 They need me, Ted. 157 00:11:01,793 --> 00:11:05,251 This is the first time in my life I'm glad I'm deaf!. 158 00:11:05,363 --> 00:11:08,992 I can't hear the boos! Now, listen up. 159 00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:11,694 I'm only gonna go over this one more time. 160 00:11:11,803 --> 00:11:14,829 In the event they switch to a zone defense... 161 00:11:14,939 --> 00:11:17,772 we must swing the ball around the perimeter. 162 00:11:18,877 --> 00:11:21,846 This ball club is the heart of this institution. 163 00:11:21,946 --> 00:11:24,938 You win, it beats. You lose, it breaks. 164 00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:27,540 You're not boxing out, Big Papa. You're my Windex man. 165 00:11:27,652 --> 00:11:29,347 I want you shining glass. 166 00:11:29,454 --> 00:11:31,046 We gotta D up out there. Darius. 167 00:11:31,156 --> 00:11:34,057 I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake. 168 00:11:34,159 --> 00:11:36,719 What are you looking at? Your mom said you left your legs at home. 169 00:11:36,828 --> 00:11:38,955 For God's sake! 170 00:11:39,063 --> 00:11:41,793 I'd do anything for you guys... 171 00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:43,834 which is why I'm throwing you a little soiree tomorrow night... 172 00:11:43,935 --> 00:11:45,630 but not without a W tonight. 173 00:11:45,737 --> 00:11:49,138 You want to know why? Nobody wants to celebrate a loss, guys. 174 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,731 Hey, man, you gonna invite those freak honeys from Mt. Holyoke? 175 00:11:51,843 --> 00:11:54,505 I already did. 176 00:11:54,612 --> 00:11:57,604 They said they'd try to make it if they weren't humping the Matadors. 177 00:11:57,715 --> 00:12:00,183 - The Matadors? - What? 178 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,252 Come on. We got a ball game to win. 179 00:12:07,892 --> 00:12:10,622 Let's go kick some Matador tail-- 180 00:12:33,184 --> 00:12:35,414 How bad do you wanna be... 181 00:12:36,621 --> 00:12:37,610 a Delta? 182 00:12:37,722 --> 00:12:40,190 Would you walk on broken glass? 183 00:12:40,291 --> 00:12:43,283 Let the shards tear into your Achilles tendon... 184 00:12:43,394 --> 00:12:45,419 causing acute achondroplasia... 185 00:12:45,530 --> 00:12:48,522 which could lead to non-congenital dwarfism as you got older? 186 00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:52,694 Ease up on the medical terms. Just keep it simple and terrifying. 187 00:12:52,804 --> 00:12:57,298 Gordon, there are very few things more terrifying than non-congenital dwarfism. 188 00:12:57,408 --> 00:13:00,775 Hey, Richard. Ready to study? 189 00:13:00,879 --> 00:13:03,973 Gwenny, I said 9:30. It's 9:20. 190 00:13:04,082 --> 00:13:06,516 I'm in the middle of an 80-year tradition here. 191 00:13:08,887 --> 00:13:12,220 I will be up when I'm done with my presidential responsibilities. 192 00:13:12,323 --> 00:13:14,291 Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs. 193 00:13:15,460 --> 00:13:18,327 Who's my alabaster princess? 194 00:13:19,264 --> 00:13:21,391 You are. You are. 195 00:13:24,736 --> 00:13:27,466 Relax, guys. They're just Doritos. 196 00:13:28,506 --> 00:13:30,474 Listen to me, you little fuck stains! 197 00:13:30,575 --> 00:13:34,443 When I count to three, you will jump or be banished from this house forever! 198 00:13:34,545 --> 00:13:37,013 One, two-- 199 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,178 Fuck! 200 00:14:05,209 --> 00:14:08,542 Excuse me. Where can I find Van Wilder? 201 00:14:08,646 --> 00:14:11,547 In the Guiness Book of World-fucking-Records, man... 202 00:14:11,649 --> 00:14:14,117 under "Raddest fucking dude alive"! 203 00:14:14,218 --> 00:14:16,209 Okay. Thanks. 204 00:14:16,321 --> 00:14:18,346 In any one of these three rooms, Gramps. 205 00:14:31,469 --> 00:14:34,302 Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy. 206 00:14:35,406 --> 00:14:38,136 Dad, what are you doing here? 207 00:14:38,977 --> 00:14:41,468 - Thank God. - No jammies. 208 00:14:41,579 --> 00:14:45,071 - Party foul. - No, don't-- Oh, dear God. 209 00:14:45,183 --> 00:14:47,413 Next time you'll know better. 210 00:14:52,890 --> 00:14:55,984 Seven years, and no degree. You should have graduated twice by now. 211 00:14:56,094 --> 00:14:57,823 I've done a lot in seven years. 212 00:14:57,929 --> 00:15:00,159 If you don't have your doctorate, you haven't done enough. 213 00:15:00,264 --> 00:15:02,824 But you have wasted enough of your time and my money. 214 00:15:02,934 --> 00:15:06,131 Pack up your panties, son, because we are headin' home. 215 00:15:10,842 --> 00:15:13,242 I'm staying here with my friends. 216 00:15:13,344 --> 00:15:16,802 Fine. Maybe your friends can pay your tuition. 217 00:15:16,914 --> 00:15:20,350 Because this morning I placed a stop payment on this semester's check. 218 00:15:20,451 --> 00:15:21,918 I'm sorry, son. 219 00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:25,512 Sometimes in life you have to realize a poor investment... 220 00:15:25,623 --> 00:15:27,113 and cut your losses. 221 00:15:29,127 --> 00:15:31,493 Write that down. 222 00:15:43,741 --> 00:15:45,641 I need more time. 223 00:15:45,743 --> 00:15:47,643 There's got to be something that we can work out. 224 00:15:49,047 --> 00:15:51,641 What is that intoxicating scent you're wearing, Doris? 225 00:15:51,749 --> 00:15:54,013 I have cats. 226 00:15:54,118 --> 00:15:56,018 Meow! 227 00:15:59,424 --> 00:16:02,723 Maybe you could put me on some sort of extension... 228 00:16:04,162 --> 00:16:05,720 program? 229 00:16:05,830 --> 00:16:09,391 - A little pay-as-you-go? - Are you trying to seduce me? 230 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:12,833 Who, me? No! 231 00:16:20,344 --> 00:16:22,812 You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea. 232 00:16:22,914 --> 00:16:25,576 Being bad seldom is. 233 00:16:35,326 --> 00:16:37,453 Oh, yeah. 234 00:16:37,562 --> 00:16:39,860 That's the shit. 235 00:16:39,964 --> 00:16:42,762 Guess what. I'm feeling a little cold sore coming on. 236 00:16:42,867 --> 00:16:46,030 Maybe we shouldn't do this for three to six weeks. 237 00:16:46,137 --> 00:16:50,369 Shut up, bitch, and give me some sugar. 238 00:17:01,052 --> 00:17:04,852 Fill this out. It's a standard payment plan extension form. 239 00:17:06,157 --> 00:17:09,285 You mean, we didn't have to-- 240 00:17:09,393 --> 00:17:12,123 But aren't you glad we did? 241 00:17:25,843 --> 00:17:27,743 You can either mail this in or drop it off. 242 00:17:27,845 --> 00:17:29,073 Go, baby, go! 243 00:17:30,181 --> 00:17:31,910 Mail it in! 244 00:17:32,750 --> 00:17:35,810 Mail it in! Mail it in. 245 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:39,083 Van, you must make four monthly payments of $5,000 each. 246 00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:41,715 I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. 247 00:17:41,826 --> 00:17:45,227 I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore. 248 00:17:45,329 --> 00:17:47,320 A good soldier does not leave his commander... 249 00:17:47,431 --> 00:17:50,491 just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets... 250 00:17:50,601 --> 00:17:53,468 intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. 251 00:17:53,571 --> 00:17:55,562 I will stay on at no charge. 252 00:17:55,673 --> 00:17:57,402 Okay. 253 00:17:57,508 --> 00:17:59,567 Exactly how much money do you have? 254 00:17:59,677 --> 00:18:01,907 - He has only $34. - Damn, Van! 255 00:18:02,013 --> 00:18:05,005 What the hell you gonna do with $34, man? 256 00:18:36,914 --> 00:18:40,782 Congratulations, Taj! Your first blow job. 257 00:18:40,885 --> 00:18:44,048 In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases... 258 00:18:44,155 --> 00:18:45,782 is the ultimate aphrodisiac. 259 00:18:45,890 --> 00:18:49,053 Desiree is the foremost connoisseur of chili con carne... 260 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,354 and a TA at Coolidge. 261 00:18:50,461 --> 00:18:52,326 I wish I had teachers like that. 262 00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:55,957 And just like that, Topless Tutors was born. 263 00:18:57,068 --> 00:18:59,229 X... 264 00:18:59,337 --> 00:19:02,602 equals... six? 265 00:19:02,707 --> 00:19:03,639 Yeah! 266 00:19:05,209 --> 00:19:06,870 We knew you could do it. 267 00:19:06,978 --> 00:19:09,173 Desi told me how she and a few of her grad school pals... 268 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,339 could use some extra income. 269 00:19:11,449 --> 00:19:13,679 Taj proved to be an excellent company accountant... 270 00:19:13,784 --> 00:19:16,446 as well as our most valued client. 271 00:19:27,398 --> 00:19:29,059 Excuse me. 272 00:19:30,301 --> 00:19:33,532 I'm looking for information on a current student here, Van Wilder. 273 00:19:39,977 --> 00:19:42,104 Freshman year. I'll get the others. 274 00:19:42,213 --> 00:19:45,876 - Wait. There are more of these? - Actually, there are many more. 275 00:19:45,983 --> 00:19:48,781 It seems Mr. Wilder didn't quite come out of his shell... 276 00:19:48,886 --> 00:19:51,116 until mid-sophomore year. 277 00:19:52,657 --> 00:19:54,056 Thanks. 278 00:19:57,361 --> 00:19:59,955 It's like this itchy, rashy burning sensation. 279 00:20:00,064 --> 00:20:02,157 And it hurts when I-- 280 00:20:03,968 --> 00:20:06,095 - Dance? - When I pee. 281 00:20:07,204 --> 00:20:09,069 - You hooked up with a burner. - Yeah. 282 00:20:09,173 --> 00:20:11,733 She seemed like a nice girl, said it was her first time? 283 00:20:11,842 --> 00:20:14,572 Always check the quality of the turf before you step onto the field. 284 00:20:14,679 --> 00:20:17,546 Listen, go to the campus hospital, see Stu. 285 00:20:17,648 --> 00:20:21,140 Tell him Van sent you, and remember-- Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool. 286 00:20:21,252 --> 00:20:22,742 Thanks, Van. Thanks a lot. 287 00:20:22,853 --> 00:20:24,821 Don't thank me. Thank penicillin. 288 00:20:26,691 --> 00:20:30,024 Crazy kids with their crazy VD. 289 00:20:31,862 --> 00:20:34,262 - You must be Van. - Hi. 290 00:20:35,066 --> 00:20:37,432 I'm Gwen Pearson, staff writer for The Liberator. 291 00:20:40,471 --> 00:20:43,998 Okay, look, that old bag is stronger than she looks. 292 00:20:44,108 --> 00:20:47,202 I'm doing a human interest piece on you. 293 00:20:47,311 --> 00:20:50,109 I'm flattered. I'd love for your piece to be on me. 294 00:20:52,149 --> 00:20:55,050 But sadly I don't do interviews. Never have, never will. I do lunch. 295 00:20:55,152 --> 00:20:57,382 My editor did say this would be a challenge. 296 00:20:57,488 --> 00:20:59,479 Van, second date with Emily. 297 00:20:59,590 --> 00:21:02,354 Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's got killer eyes, not unlike yourself. 298 00:21:02,460 --> 00:21:04,724 - Has anyone told you that before? - Yes, my boyfriend. 299 00:21:05,563 --> 00:21:07,531 Is it true that this is your seventh year at Coolidge? 300 00:21:07,631 --> 00:21:10,031 Carry the two-- Yes, that's correct. 301 00:21:10,134 --> 00:21:12,193 So what's your boyfriend's name? Does he go to school here? 302 00:21:12,303 --> 00:21:14,362 - Does he appreciate you? - That's none of your business. 303 00:21:14,472 --> 00:21:16,702 You know what? You're right. 304 00:21:18,743 --> 00:21:22,144 His name's Richard. He's premed. 305 00:21:22,246 --> 00:21:24,146 Van, you have a 1:30 with the swim team. 306 00:21:24,248 --> 00:21:25,579 On it. 307 00:21:25,683 --> 00:21:27,810 - You have an assistant? - Yes, I do. 308 00:21:30,054 --> 00:21:32,318 Is there anything you can tell me about yourself... 309 00:21:32,423 --> 00:21:34,891 that I haven't already found out from your public records? 310 00:21:34,992 --> 00:21:37,153 I'll be at the quad tomorrow night at 10:00. Sound good? 311 00:21:37,261 --> 00:21:40,662 - It's a date. - It's an interview, not a date. 312 00:21:43,334 --> 00:21:45,996 Gwen, first dates are interviews. 313 00:21:47,772 --> 00:21:49,831 You going out tonight? 314 00:21:49,940 --> 00:21:53,569 Rob's coming over. I'm closing in on that diamond, Gwen. 315 00:21:53,677 --> 00:21:56,009 The dynamic duo will seal the deal tonight. 316 00:21:56,113 --> 00:21:58,013 Good luck, ladies. 317 00:22:00,951 --> 00:22:04,443 Somebody got awfully dressed up to quiz me on my anatomy midterm. 318 00:22:04,555 --> 00:22:07,353 I'm so sorry, baby. I totally forgot. 319 00:22:07,458 --> 00:22:10,018 - I have an interview for the paper. - At 10:00 at night? 320 00:22:10,127 --> 00:22:13,358 Can't you postpone it? Gwen, first exam-- most crucial. 321 00:22:13,464 --> 00:22:16,865 It's not like you're on a deadline for the Boston Globe. 322 00:22:16,967 --> 00:22:19,936 It's the only time he had available. I'll call you as soon as I get back. 323 00:22:20,037 --> 00:22:21,527 Bye. 324 00:22:22,873 --> 00:22:24,363 He? 325 00:22:29,814 --> 00:22:32,715 All right. Gwen, all right! You're just in time. 326 00:22:32,817 --> 00:22:34,785 - Take your clothes off. - I'm not taking off my clothes. 327 00:22:34,885 --> 00:22:39,117 It is the Naked Mile Run. Everybody else is in their birthday suit. 328 00:22:40,591 --> 00:22:42,058 Except that guy. 329 00:22:43,260 --> 00:22:46,491 - I have a few questions for you. - In time. This is gonna be fun. 330 00:22:46,597 --> 00:22:48,724 You know that three-letter word that starts with F? 331 00:22:48,833 --> 00:22:51,802 So you're quite the campus man, heading events like the Jäger Olympics. 332 00:22:51,902 --> 00:22:55,133 Yes, well, you haven't lived... 333 00:22:55,239 --> 00:22:57,173 until you've shot putted blitzed on Jäger. 334 00:22:57,274 --> 00:23:00,072 - Heinie? - This was a really bad idea. 335 00:23:01,512 --> 00:23:03,912 Are we gonna reschedule or what? 336 00:23:14,124 --> 00:23:16,024 Who's a big boy? 337 00:23:17,528 --> 00:23:19,758 Oh, God! 338 00:23:19,864 --> 00:23:21,991 Those things could raise the Titanic. 339 00:23:23,767 --> 00:23:25,064 You Van Wilder? 340 00:23:25,169 --> 00:23:27,603 The strip club owner got tired of using his B squad... 341 00:23:27,705 --> 00:23:30,606 so he came back for the starting lineup. 342 00:23:30,708 --> 00:23:32,437 Topless Tutors was dead. 343 00:23:34,111 --> 00:23:36,773 We are truly up the Ganges River without a bamboo oar. 344 00:23:36,881 --> 00:23:39,611 We're still $1,200 short of your next tuition payment. 345 00:23:39,717 --> 00:23:43,278 Taj, I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. 346 00:23:43,387 --> 00:23:45,685 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 347 00:23:45,789 --> 00:23:47,347 Write that down. 348 00:23:47,458 --> 00:23:49,722 Don't even sweat it, Taj. I've got a plan. 349 00:23:51,161 --> 00:23:52,924 - Let's go get fucked up. - Sounds good. 350 00:23:53,030 --> 00:23:54,497 Is that all you think about? 351 00:23:54,598 --> 00:23:56,361 I admit I applied for this job... 352 00:23:56,467 --> 00:23:59,197 because I wanted to cut loose and shake my rump... 353 00:23:59,303 --> 00:24:01,828 but I do not believe that this dilemma will be solved by partying. 354 00:24:05,809 --> 00:24:07,640 Can I help you, son? 355 00:24:08,445 --> 00:24:10,345 I certainly hope so, Mr. Wilder. 356 00:24:10,447 --> 00:24:12,381 I come to you in desperation. 357 00:24:12,483 --> 00:24:16,817 I'm Panos Patakos, president of the Lambda Omega Omega fraternity. 358 00:24:16,921 --> 00:24:19,981 I'm sure you're aware of our... stigma. 359 00:24:20,090 --> 00:24:23,253 Yeah, you guys have had the best GPA the last 50 years. 360 00:24:24,261 --> 00:24:26,252 Indeed, but believe it or not... 361 00:24:26,363 --> 00:24:28,593 the best GPA doesn't get you laid. 362 00:24:28,699 --> 00:24:31,133 - Damn well should. - Amen. 363 00:24:31,235 --> 00:24:34,671 This month marks our 75th anniversary. 364 00:24:34,772 --> 00:24:38,333 I am here to ask you to aid us in throwing a party... 365 00:24:38,442 --> 00:24:40,342 a party we can be proud of... 366 00:24:40,444 --> 00:24:43,345 a party people will actually show up to. 367 00:24:43,447 --> 00:24:47,247 Gosh, I'd really love to help, but I have a bamboo oar stuck up my Gangees. 368 00:24:47,351 --> 00:24:48,943 It's very scary stuff. 369 00:24:49,053 --> 00:24:50,953 I just don't have the time. 370 00:24:52,289 --> 00:24:54,484 How much is your time worth? 371 00:24:56,193 --> 00:24:58,252 Panos reminded me that I had one... 372 00:24:58,362 --> 00:25:00,489 very valuable skill I'd yet to tap-- 373 00:25:00,598 --> 00:25:04,432 my undeniable ability to throw one hell of a party. 374 00:25:09,139 --> 00:25:12,040 I was hanging on by a thread, but I was still making tuition. 375 00:25:15,713 --> 00:25:18,181 The strawberry! Eat the strawberry! It's worth 250! 376 00:25:18,282 --> 00:25:21,547 - Don't you think I know that? - You treat me like a child. 377 00:25:21,652 --> 00:25:23,552 I don't like the way you condescend me. 378 00:25:23,654 --> 00:25:25,554 - Don't do that! - Frankly, you're juvenile. 379 00:25:25,656 --> 00:25:27,214 Guys. 380 00:25:27,324 --> 00:25:29,224 I know Ms. Pac Man's special. 381 00:25:29,326 --> 00:25:32,454 She's fun. She's cute. She swallows. 382 00:25:32,563 --> 00:25:34,656 But we gotta talk, guys. 383 00:25:34,765 --> 00:25:37,734 Huddle up. Come on. Team meeting here. 384 00:25:37,835 --> 00:25:40,531 Cowboy. All right. 385 00:25:40,638 --> 00:25:42,538 I look at you guys, and you know what I see? 386 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,234 A collective GPA of 52,000? 387 00:25:45,342 --> 00:25:46,639 Yeah! No! 388 00:25:46,744 --> 00:25:49,008 I see a bunch of party animals... 389 00:25:49,113 --> 00:25:51,343 crouched in attack position, ready to strike. 390 00:25:51,448 --> 00:25:52,813 Am I right? 391 00:25:53,984 --> 00:25:55,417 No one even knows we're here. 392 00:25:55,519 --> 00:25:58,852 Au contraire, mon frères. Girls! 393 00:26:00,524 --> 00:26:03,186 I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. 394 00:26:03,293 --> 00:26:05,853 Two girls utterly infatuated... 395 00:26:05,963 --> 00:26:08,523 with men who have larger than normal... 396 00:26:08,632 --> 00:26:10,862 medulla oblongatas. 397 00:26:17,041 --> 00:26:20,533 Pearson, I got a hot news tip for you. It's Friday night. Get out of here. 398 00:26:20,644 --> 00:26:23,943 I know. I'm just doing some final revisions to this piece on euthanasia. 399 00:26:24,048 --> 00:26:26,448 Oh, I read that. Made me want to kill myself. 400 00:26:26,550 --> 00:26:27,778 I'm kidding. 401 00:26:27,885 --> 00:26:30,046 - Where's my Wilder story? - There is no story, Elliot. 402 00:26:30,154 --> 00:26:33,385 The guy's a joke. He tries to turn every interview into a date. 403 00:26:33,490 --> 00:26:35,788 A good writer gets her story no matter what. 404 00:26:35,893 --> 00:26:40,728 Please get me the Wilder piece. He's throwing a big party tonight. 405 00:26:40,831 --> 00:26:43,129 You should be there. 406 00:26:50,574 --> 00:26:53,372 - This is really a pimpin' good time. - Yes, it is. 407 00:26:55,846 --> 00:26:59,577 Look who's checking out the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi. 408 00:26:59,683 --> 00:27:02,083 That's "I moan" backwards. 409 00:27:03,821 --> 00:27:06,984 I put in a good word for you. 410 00:27:07,091 --> 00:27:09,821 Hey, Tajy. Let's boogie. 411 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:32,212 These are the most pathetic bunch of pledges. 412 00:27:32,316 --> 00:27:33,908 You picked 'em. 413 00:27:35,786 --> 00:27:37,686 Hey, babe. 414 00:27:37,788 --> 00:27:40,416 - Why aren't you in costume? - I can't stay. I have to work tonight. 415 00:27:40,524 --> 00:27:42,424 You're gonna miss the biggest party of the year. 416 00:27:44,228 --> 00:27:46,162 Well, I gotta go. 417 00:27:46,263 --> 00:27:48,754 - I'll call you tomorrow. - What? 418 00:27:48,866 --> 00:27:50,766 This party so rocks, Richard. 419 00:27:50,868 --> 00:27:54,099 - This party sucks rectum, Jeannie. - Okay. 420 00:27:56,373 --> 00:27:58,273 Where the hell is everyone? 421 00:27:58,375 --> 00:28:00,673 Mad props for this pimpin' good time... 422 00:28:00,778 --> 00:28:02,871 go out to those hung and handsome bad boys... 423 00:28:02,980 --> 00:28:04,880 of Lambda Omega Omega. 424 00:28:06,216 --> 00:28:08,776 Thanks for the good time, fellas. 425 00:28:19,596 --> 00:28:22,360 - Let's get you some skates. - I'm not here to skate. 426 00:28:22,466 --> 00:28:24,627 For some reason, my editor thinks you're a story. 427 00:28:24,735 --> 00:28:26,259 What do you think? 428 00:28:26,370 --> 00:28:29,237 As a story, I think... 429 00:28:29,339 --> 00:28:30,636 you're a little soft. 430 00:28:30,741 --> 00:28:34,609 Wow, all this time I thought I was more to you than just some flaccid story. 431 00:28:35,512 --> 00:28:37,412 A dilemma has arose up front. 432 00:28:37,514 --> 00:28:40,415 - Don't know if we got our point across. - Crystal clear, guys. 433 00:28:40,517 --> 00:28:42,985 - This is incredible. - 100 percent. Don't go anywhere. 434 00:28:43,086 --> 00:28:45,577 Seriously. Van is a godsend. 435 00:28:45,689 --> 00:28:48,419 I would have paid him way more than a grand for this party. 436 00:28:48,525 --> 00:28:50,686 I would have cashed in my Israel bonds. 437 00:28:50,794 --> 00:28:53,729 - How do you put a price on dignity? - How do you put a price on poonani? 438 00:28:53,831 --> 00:28:56,265 - Yes! - Oh, God! 439 00:28:57,501 --> 00:28:59,401 Oh, my God. Feel it! 440 00:29:04,241 --> 00:29:06,835 Whoa. Trick or treat. What's going on? 441 00:29:06,944 --> 00:29:10,107 This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party. 442 00:29:10,214 --> 00:29:11,613 Graphic. 443 00:29:11,715 --> 00:29:14,013 I'm sure we can accommodate a few more, yeah? 444 00:29:14,117 --> 00:29:16,881 No can do. We're at maximum capacity. 445 00:29:20,891 --> 00:29:22,859 - What are you doing here? - You two know each other? 446 00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:24,587 That's my girlfriend, gluteous erecti. 447 00:29:24,695 --> 00:29:27,425 - You must be premed Dick. - Yeah, that's right. 448 00:29:27,531 --> 00:29:30,728 - What's it to you? - Thanks for the story. 449 00:29:30,834 --> 00:29:31,892 What story? 450 00:29:32,102 --> 00:29:33,899 Brilliant, Pearson. 451 00:29:34,004 --> 00:29:36,234 I have been inundated with people telling me... 452 00:29:36,340 --> 00:29:38,467 how much they enjoy reading about this guy. 453 00:29:38,575 --> 00:29:41,373 They want more, and so do I. I want you to do a follow-up. 454 00:29:41,478 --> 00:29:43,708 I did your story, Elliot. I'm not doing another one. 455 00:29:43,814 --> 00:29:46,180 Even if I tell you it's gonna be on the front page of the graduation issue... 456 00:29:46,283 --> 00:29:47,545 in two months? 457 00:29:49,686 --> 00:29:52,587 And I quote, "Van Wilder is a party pimp." 458 00:29:52,689 --> 00:29:55,590 Sick Boy. Can you believe she wrote that? 459 00:29:55,692 --> 00:29:58,718 Van Wilder's phone. I do not foresee that to be a problem. 460 00:29:58,829 --> 00:30:01,457 And that guy she's with-- all kinds of wrong for her. 461 00:30:01,565 --> 00:30:05,331 - Sick Boy, how are you doing? - Van, the shingles are all gone. 462 00:30:06,370 --> 00:30:07,769 That ointment really worked. 463 00:30:07,871 --> 00:30:09,236 Thanks. 464 00:30:09,339 --> 00:30:11,239 Lookin' good there, buddy. 465 00:30:17,047 --> 00:30:19,311 - He'll call you back. - Unbelievable. 466 00:30:19,416 --> 00:30:21,850 Van Wilder's phone. 467 00:30:21,952 --> 00:30:25,012 - Terrible. - I think so. Yeah. 468 00:30:25,122 --> 00:30:27,147 - Hang on. - Unbelievable. 469 00:30:27,257 --> 00:30:29,623 Van's room. Saturday night, yeah. 470 00:30:29,726 --> 00:30:32,422 That's-- How did you-- From the paper? 471 00:30:32,529 --> 00:30:35,191 Yeah, that's fine! Okay, thanks. 472 00:30:35,299 --> 00:30:37,529 - No problem confirming. Bye. - This writing, it's just-- 473 00:30:38,902 --> 00:30:41,894 I was just wondering if you could... slam the door in my face. 474 00:30:42,005 --> 00:30:43,768 Van, you must listen to me. 475 00:30:43,874 --> 00:30:47,503 Because of her article, everybody wants to have a party thrown by Van Wilder... 476 00:30:47,611 --> 00:30:49,306 the party liaison. 477 00:30:49,413 --> 00:30:51,779 Your cash camel has arrived! 478 00:30:55,919 --> 00:30:57,819 We need to talk. 479 00:31:00,324 --> 00:31:02,724 This is why I don't do interviews. You totally slammed me. 480 00:31:02,826 --> 00:31:05,226 You journalists and your irresponsible reporting. 481 00:31:05,329 --> 00:31:08,298 I recorded quotes that you got money from the Lambdas to throw them a party. 482 00:31:08,398 --> 00:31:11,196 Recorded? What are you, bugged? Do I need to frisk you? 483 00:31:11,301 --> 00:31:13,292 Why is my story such a big deal to you? 484 00:31:13,403 --> 00:31:16,270 Because I didn't want the students to know I threw the party. 485 00:31:16,373 --> 00:31:19,570 They paid me, but that's not the only reason I did it. 486 00:31:19,676 --> 00:31:22,907 Lambdas are cool in their own right. People just needed to realize it. 487 00:31:23,013 --> 00:31:26,471 I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a benevolent agenda. 488 00:31:26,583 --> 00:31:28,915 There's two sides to every story, Gwen. 489 00:31:29,019 --> 00:31:31,419 I have a chance to make front page of the graduation issue... 490 00:31:31,521 --> 00:31:33,785 which is a huge deal to me. 491 00:31:33,890 --> 00:31:36,256 Let me get the other side. 492 00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,624 There's this function I'm hosting tomorrow night. 493 00:31:38,729 --> 00:31:41,789 If you want... you could tag along. 494 00:31:41,898 --> 00:31:44,128 - I'll be there. - It's a date. 495 00:31:44,234 --> 00:31:46,794 It's an interview. 496 00:31:46,903 --> 00:31:48,928 Remember, today's assignment is about shadow. 497 00:31:49,039 --> 00:31:51,166 So don't get too hung up on detail. 498 00:31:51,274 --> 00:31:53,174 All right, everybody? 499 00:31:53,276 --> 00:31:55,107 Oh, Lord! 500 00:31:57,314 --> 00:32:00,408 So much sinew, I need a bigger pencil. 501 00:32:00,517 --> 00:32:02,451 8:30 p.m. Yeah, that's fine. 502 00:32:03,887 --> 00:32:07,948 Word spread around campus. My calendar was filled with parties to plan. 503 00:32:08,058 --> 00:32:11,619 Van Wilder, party liaison, was born. 504 00:32:12,963 --> 00:32:15,864 At the Hillel House, I broke bread. 505 00:32:15,966 --> 00:32:17,866 And then I broke the boredom. 506 00:32:21,872 --> 00:32:25,308 They said I did them a mitzvah. That's Yiddish for "good deed." 507 00:32:25,409 --> 00:32:27,877 Write that down. 508 00:32:27,978 --> 00:32:30,469 Oh, yeah, she came too. 509 00:32:35,052 --> 00:32:37,077 This is the second party of his she's gone to. 510 00:32:37,187 --> 00:32:38,552 Sounds serious. Threatened? 511 00:32:40,657 --> 00:32:42,887 Threatened? Please. 512 00:32:44,528 --> 00:32:47,861 I'm president of both my fraternity and the student government. 513 00:32:48,865 --> 00:32:51,299 He's nothing more than a mild rectal itch. 514 00:32:52,769 --> 00:32:54,760 You know what you do about a mild rectal itch, Gordo? 515 00:32:54,871 --> 00:32:56,964 - What's that, Richard? - You scratch it. 516 00:32:57,074 --> 00:32:59,008 Then you scratch it some more. 517 00:32:59,109 --> 00:33:01,009 The more you scratch at it, the worse it gets... 518 00:33:01,111 --> 00:33:04,672 until finally you have nothing left but a raw, chafed... 519 00:33:04,781 --> 00:33:07,682 possibly infected anal cavity. 520 00:33:08,785 --> 00:33:10,150 Then it's won. 521 00:33:10,253 --> 00:33:14,019 When all you had to do from the start was take a medicated pad... 522 00:33:15,792 --> 00:33:16,952 and smother it. 523 00:33:22,099 --> 00:33:24,590 All right, people, midterm is next week. 524 00:33:26,303 --> 00:33:28,203 Here you have your five categories-- 525 00:33:28,305 --> 00:33:31,206 commerce and trade, so forth and so on. 526 00:33:31,308 --> 00:33:33,071 What you doing? 527 00:33:34,177 --> 00:33:36,907 I'm in the middle of class. You know, that five-letter word. 528 00:33:37,013 --> 00:33:39,982 I thought we could spend some time together... 529 00:33:40,083 --> 00:33:42,381 for the story. 530 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:45,820 I want you to have this. 531 00:33:47,557 --> 00:33:50,151 - Yeah. - And thank you. 532 00:33:50,260 --> 00:33:53,491 All right, things to remember-- commerce and trade-- 533 00:33:53,597 --> 00:33:56,430 Everybody just file out in an orderly fashion. 534 00:34:05,408 --> 00:34:07,842 What? Come on. Hop in. 535 00:34:07,944 --> 00:34:09,844 I am not getting in that thing with you. 536 00:34:09,946 --> 00:34:12,312 If you want the story, you'll get in this thing with me. 537 00:34:14,784 --> 00:34:16,684 What happened? Is everyone okay? 538 00:34:21,858 --> 00:34:22,916 Wilder. 539 00:34:25,428 --> 00:34:27,555 Are we gonna get in trouble for being in here? 540 00:34:27,664 --> 00:34:30,599 It's cool. Equipment manager owes me a favor. I introduced him to his wife. 541 00:34:30,700 --> 00:34:33,066 Life is all about developing relationships, Gwen. 542 00:34:33,170 --> 00:34:35,764 I hope you can skate. 543 00:34:36,940 --> 00:34:39,602 So the deal is, I score... 544 00:34:39,709 --> 00:34:42,269 you cooperate and answer all my questions? 545 00:34:42,379 --> 00:34:44,847 - I miss-- - Dinner for two, me and you. 546 00:34:45,715 --> 00:34:47,114 Clothing optional. 547 00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:11,698 Come on! 548 00:35:19,015 --> 00:35:20,073 Holy crap. 549 00:35:39,769 --> 00:35:42,738 My brothers play hockey... 550 00:35:42,839 --> 00:35:44,739 for the Rangers. 551 00:35:45,909 --> 00:35:48,377 My dad just didn't see me as a sound investment anymore. 552 00:35:48,478 --> 00:35:52,414 But he gave up on me and my mom long before I ever came here. 553 00:35:54,618 --> 00:35:56,745 Maybe seven years of tuition... 554 00:35:56,853 --> 00:35:59,287 is a good way to remind him that you're still angry. 555 00:36:01,024 --> 00:36:04,755 So how long have you and premed Richard been together? 556 00:36:04,861 --> 00:36:08,092 - Since my freshman year. - I bet he's a tighty whitey guy. 557 00:36:08,198 --> 00:36:11,190 - Excuse me? - White, elastic band, constrictive. 558 00:36:11,301 --> 00:36:13,565 You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of drawers they wear. 559 00:36:13,670 --> 00:36:15,160 Like you. Granny panties, I bet. 560 00:36:15,272 --> 00:36:17,763 Does that allude to me being the plain, boring type? 561 00:36:18,975 --> 00:36:21,205 I just wanted a visual. 562 00:36:21,311 --> 00:36:24,212 I think it takes a lot more than the kind of underwear one wears... 563 00:36:24,314 --> 00:36:25,975 to define them as a person. 564 00:36:27,083 --> 00:36:28,516 Like what? 565 00:36:28,618 --> 00:36:30,518 Like their actions. 566 00:36:30,620 --> 00:36:32,520 For instance, most people... 567 00:36:32,622 --> 00:36:35,318 want to get out of school so they can make money. 568 00:36:35,425 --> 00:36:38,394 You're trying to make money to stay in school. 569 00:36:39,496 --> 00:36:41,896 - Why? - I like it here. 570 00:36:43,900 --> 00:36:46,198 What about your future? 571 00:36:46,303 --> 00:36:50,672 - You take life way too seriously. - Life is serious. 572 00:36:50,774 --> 00:36:53,504 I used to party with this guy who once told me... 573 00:36:53,610 --> 00:36:56,738 "Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." 574 00:36:59,516 --> 00:37:01,746 He used to write for the school paper. 575 00:37:01,851 --> 00:37:05,014 He kept babbling about the differences between light and dark beer. 576 00:37:07,524 --> 00:37:09,856 Very strange, but good advice. 577 00:37:09,959 --> 00:37:14,020 You think about the future too much, you kinda forget about the present... 578 00:37:14,130 --> 00:37:16,098 obviously. 579 00:37:16,199 --> 00:37:19,430 And I am really enjoying the present right now... 580 00:37:19,536 --> 00:37:22,664 sharing a penalty box and a tri-latte with Gwen Pearson... 581 00:37:22,772 --> 00:37:26,435 who believes censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself. 582 00:37:26,543 --> 00:37:28,670 You actually read that article? 583 00:37:28,778 --> 00:37:32,475 Okay, look, I read the damn article, but don't tell anyone... 584 00:37:32,582 --> 00:37:35,016 because if word gets out that I read, my reputation-- 585 00:37:35,118 --> 00:37:37,951 shot to hell. 586 00:37:42,292 --> 00:37:44,920 She's smart, she's beautiful... 587 00:37:45,028 --> 00:37:46,928 she can skate. 588 00:37:47,030 --> 00:37:50,727 She's not for you, dude. She's too high-strung. 589 00:37:50,834 --> 00:37:52,961 Besides, babes that fine-- 590 00:37:53,069 --> 00:37:56,004 they're way into themselves and shit. 591 00:37:58,141 --> 00:38:00,302 After this weekend, we should have sufficient funds... 592 00:38:00,410 --> 00:38:02,310 to cover your next two payments. 593 00:38:02,412 --> 00:38:04,573 I mean, this girl is dynamite. 594 00:38:06,483 --> 00:38:08,542 Too bad she's dating Strapper John, MD. 595 00:38:12,722 --> 00:38:16,624 - Where did you find that? - In your room a few days ago. 596 00:38:16,726 --> 00:38:19,957 I'm trying to spark this bong, but this damn thing won't light. 597 00:38:20,063 --> 00:38:22,861 That's no bong! It's for my schlong! 598 00:38:28,338 --> 00:38:29,999 Hold on. 599 00:38:30,106 --> 00:38:32,267 You mean I put my mouth on your cock pump? 600 00:38:33,710 --> 00:38:34,768 Oh, damn! 601 00:38:39,849 --> 00:38:42,181 I have a date with Naomi tomorrow night... 602 00:38:42,285 --> 00:38:45,220 and I just wanted to bring my A game. 603 00:38:45,321 --> 00:38:49,758 Taj, come on! That's what I'm here for, right? 604 00:38:49,859 --> 00:38:51,918 Now, follow my foolproof plan... 605 00:38:52,028 --> 00:38:55,088 and I'm gonna help you put the bang in Banglapur. 606 00:38:55,865 --> 00:38:58,060 All you need are the three fundamentals-- scented candles... 607 00:38:59,469 --> 00:39:01,494 massage oil... 608 00:39:01,604 --> 00:39:03,231 and Barry White. 609 00:39:03,339 --> 00:39:05,569 Write that down. 610 00:39:05,675 --> 00:39:08,906 - Hey, no cock pump. - No cock pump. 611 00:39:09,012 --> 00:39:10,411 Barry White. 612 00:39:11,514 --> 00:39:14,312 - I'm gonna go wash my hands now. - Oh, Gwen! 613 00:39:14,417 --> 00:39:18,251 Your labia feels so good around my swollen phallus. 614 00:39:20,557 --> 00:39:22,457 I'm fairly confident I'm going to ejaculate. 615 00:39:22,559 --> 00:39:25,221 I'm releasing my seminal fluids inside of you now! 616 00:39:39,075 --> 00:39:40,975 Are you okay? 617 00:39:42,846 --> 00:39:44,279 Yeah. Why? 618 00:39:46,683 --> 00:39:48,446 Didn't you-- 619 00:39:48,551 --> 00:39:50,451 It's kinda hard in 15 seconds. 620 00:39:51,421 --> 00:39:52,718 Damn it! 621 00:39:55,191 --> 00:39:57,921 You know the kind of pressure I'm under with my exams. 622 00:39:59,762 --> 00:40:01,855 - I'm sorry. - Look, I'm sorry. 623 00:40:01,965 --> 00:40:04,763 This semester's marks could determine the next ten years of our lives. 624 00:40:04,868 --> 00:40:06,768 Do you realize that? 625 00:40:08,638 --> 00:40:10,196 You know... 626 00:40:10,306 --> 00:40:13,400 you shouldn't take life too seriously. 627 00:40:13,510 --> 00:40:15,410 You'll never get out alive. 628 00:40:19,782 --> 00:40:22,444 What the hell is that supposed to mean? 629 00:40:25,822 --> 00:40:28,416 I'm late for my study group. 630 00:40:37,066 --> 00:40:39,796 She was getting awfully chummy with the rectal itch. 631 00:40:39,903 --> 00:40:42,463 Son of a bitch. Disappear! 632 00:40:42,572 --> 00:40:44,472 Yes, superior leader, sir. 633 00:40:48,077 --> 00:40:50,375 It's time to excise that cancerous lump. 634 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:53,643 Forget him. Let's crap in the chapter room and make the pledges clean it up. 635 00:40:53,750 --> 00:40:56,310 - It'll be fun. - I wish I could, Gordo. 636 00:40:56,419 --> 00:40:58,819 I got dinner at Gwen's parents' house. 637 00:40:58,922 --> 00:41:01,083 Sounds special. Is Wilder gonna be there? 638 00:41:02,392 --> 00:41:04,656 Hey, guys. Hey, Richard. 639 00:41:04,761 --> 00:41:06,661 Is there anything I can do for you today? 640 00:41:12,335 --> 00:41:14,064 Dear Van-- 641 00:41:19,375 --> 00:41:21,502 Here you go, Taj. Get your rave on, man. 642 00:41:21,611 --> 00:41:22,908 - Thanks. - You got it. 643 00:41:23,012 --> 00:41:27,073 "See you tonight. Gwen." The invite to the parents' house. 644 00:41:27,183 --> 00:41:30,084 This is big. This is very, very big. 645 00:41:30,186 --> 00:41:32,177 - Doesn't she have a boyfriend? - Details. 646 00:41:32,288 --> 00:41:34,483 I'm off. Taj, you're in charge. 647 00:41:34,591 --> 00:41:37,355 I do not think I'm capable of handling such a responsibility. 648 00:41:37,460 --> 00:41:40,691 Listen to me. Do you know why I chose you as my assistant? 649 00:41:40,797 --> 00:41:43,231 So you could teach me how to muff dive? 650 00:41:44,067 --> 00:41:46,535 Well, yeah, but also... 651 00:41:46,636 --> 00:41:48,763 because you have the potential to be great. 652 00:42:07,323 --> 00:42:09,382 - May I help you? - Yeah, I'm Van-- 653 00:42:10,493 --> 00:42:12,393 You made it. 654 00:42:12,495 --> 00:42:15,123 Evelyn, this is one of your daughter's acquaintances from school. 655 00:42:15,231 --> 00:42:16,926 There's room for one more? 656 00:42:17,033 --> 00:42:19,729 By all means. Come in, please. 657 00:42:22,872 --> 00:42:26,501 Definitely be out of the question unless they all agreed with us... 658 00:42:26,609 --> 00:42:29,203 and we talked it over. 659 00:42:31,114 --> 00:42:32,274 Excuse me, gentlemen. 660 00:42:33,383 --> 00:42:35,977 Excuse me, gentlemen. 661 00:42:36,085 --> 00:42:38,815 Van, this is Dr. Henke, proctologist. 662 00:42:38,921 --> 00:42:42,755 Oh, well, holy crap. I hope you're not on call tonight. 663 00:42:44,027 --> 00:42:46,086 Dr. Beaverman, OB-GYN. 664 00:42:46,195 --> 00:42:48,527 Van Wilder, G-L-A-D to meet you. 665 00:42:50,166 --> 00:42:51,656 And of course, Gwen's father. 666 00:42:51,768 --> 00:42:53,759 I'm gonna go out on a limb here. 667 00:42:53,870 --> 00:42:55,599 Dr. Pearson? 668 00:42:55,705 --> 00:42:58,139 - Indeed. - Indeed. Super. 669 00:42:58,241 --> 00:43:01,836 All right. So... am I here for a physical? 670 00:43:01,944 --> 00:43:05,471 'Cause I'm gonna need a few cocktails before I start coughing for you fellas. 671 00:43:12,955 --> 00:43:16,391 - What are you doing here? - I don't know. 672 00:43:16,492 --> 00:43:18,255 No, thank you. 673 00:43:18,361 --> 00:43:21,057 Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. 674 00:43:21,164 --> 00:43:23,394 He's in his, what, sixth year? 675 00:43:23,499 --> 00:43:25,399 Lucky number seven, actually. 676 00:43:26,869 --> 00:43:29,303 - What are you studying, son? - I dabble in a bit of everything. 677 00:43:29,405 --> 00:43:32,499 I've tried to experience all that Coolidge has to offer. 678 00:43:32,608 --> 00:43:34,508 Surely you have a career in mind. 679 00:43:35,511 --> 00:43:37,138 Not really. 680 00:43:37,246 --> 00:43:39,373 I'm still looking for that dare-to-be-great situation. 681 00:43:39,482 --> 00:43:42,747 Maybe you should start looking for that dare-to-be-employed situation. 682 00:43:42,852 --> 00:43:44,945 The student body finds Van so intriguing... 683 00:43:45,054 --> 00:43:47,420 that my editor has asked me to do an exposé on him... 684 00:43:47,523 --> 00:43:48,990 for the school newspaper. 685 00:43:49,092 --> 00:43:51,219 Isn't that wonderful? 686 00:43:51,327 --> 00:43:53,795 - That will be quite the page-turner. - It'll be a very well-written article. 687 00:43:53,896 --> 00:43:56,228 Gwen is an extremely gifted journalist. 688 00:43:56,332 --> 00:43:58,823 Are you and Richard in the same fraternity? 689 00:43:58,935 --> 00:44:00,425 Oh, no. 690 00:44:00,536 --> 00:44:04,165 Van isn't exactly Delta Iota Kappa material. 691 00:44:04,273 --> 00:44:07,606 Richard, you rascal, you never told me that you were a DIK. 692 00:44:08,945 --> 00:44:10,913 Not that you had to. 693 00:44:11,748 --> 00:44:13,841 I'm gonna go get another bottle of champagne. 694 00:44:13,950 --> 00:44:16,180 - Richard, will you help me open it? - Sure. 695 00:44:22,458 --> 00:44:23,857 Wow. 696 00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:26,451 If he's here, who's running Hell? 697 00:44:28,464 --> 00:44:31,092 - What are you doing out there? - Proving a point. 698 00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:34,601 Your friend doesn't fit in. He's a virus, and I'm the vaccine. 699 00:44:34,704 --> 00:44:37,502 - I can't believe you're doing this. - Pop quiz. True or false. 700 00:44:37,607 --> 00:44:41,304 You and that GDI have been spending an inordinate amount of time together. 701 00:44:41,410 --> 00:44:43,605 True. Now here's a multiple choice question for you. 702 00:44:43,713 --> 00:44:46,739 You're A, an asshole; B, an asshole who isn't staying at my place tonight... 703 00:44:46,849 --> 00:44:49,545 - or C, all the above? - What's B again? 704 00:44:49,652 --> 00:44:53,110 Gwenny, I'm kidding. I apologize. 705 00:44:53,222 --> 00:44:55,884 - Gwenny, where are you going? - To go save Van. 706 00:44:55,992 --> 00:44:59,120 God only knows what my parents and their stuck-up friends are doing to him. 707 00:45:07,003 --> 00:45:09,130 Okay! All right! 708 00:45:09,238 --> 00:45:12,230 You're a natural, Dr. P. Hey, what are you looking at? 709 00:45:12,341 --> 00:45:15,310 - Henke, you're up. Come on. - All right. 710 00:45:16,846 --> 00:45:19,144 Easy, sailor. 711 00:45:42,471 --> 00:45:45,702 All right, Wilder, let's dance. 712 00:45:45,808 --> 00:45:47,639 It's a good day to die, McDoogle. 713 00:45:49,545 --> 00:45:51,570 Oh, yes. 714 00:46:15,404 --> 00:46:17,372 Jesus! Criminy! 715 00:46:17,473 --> 00:46:20,306 What happened to you, Wilder? Don't think I don't remember. 716 00:46:20,409 --> 00:46:22,570 You got an A in my freshman economics class. 717 00:46:22,678 --> 00:46:24,578 You remember one thing-- 718 00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:27,740 Apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand. 719 00:46:27,850 --> 00:46:29,750 I'll write that down. 720 00:46:29,852 --> 00:46:32,412 You do that. You're not fooling anybody! 721 00:46:32,521 --> 00:46:34,546 You're only fooling yourself!. 722 00:46:43,466 --> 00:46:46,833 - Why don't you walk? - I think I'll walk from here. 723 00:46:49,705 --> 00:46:52,765 Are you stalking me? Because that would be super. 724 00:46:52,875 --> 00:46:55,776 My mom did want me to invite you to her Tupperware party next week. 725 00:46:56,879 --> 00:46:58,676 Was that a-- 726 00:46:58,781 --> 00:47:00,408 Judges' ruling. 727 00:47:00,516 --> 00:47:03,679 Uh-huh. Yeah. I do believe that was a joke. 728 00:47:09,125 --> 00:47:12,151 I want to apologize for what Richard did the other night. 729 00:47:12,261 --> 00:47:15,025 It was a really immature stunt. 730 00:47:15,131 --> 00:47:17,429 Yeah, I know... 731 00:47:17,533 --> 00:47:20,525 but sometimes guys can do some pretty childish things. 732 00:47:24,607 --> 00:47:26,234 Let us proceed. 733 00:48:01,744 --> 00:48:04,679 - Is he ready? - Ah, yeah, he's ready. 734 00:48:04,780 --> 00:48:06,179 It's go time. 735 00:48:17,159 --> 00:48:18,854 Such a good boy. 736 00:48:18,961 --> 00:48:22,260 Oh, stop for a second. Stop. 737 00:48:23,532 --> 00:48:25,022 Okay. Keep going. 738 00:48:35,611 --> 00:48:37,602 For the love of God. 739 00:48:37,713 --> 00:48:39,112 Smile, buddy. 740 00:48:45,821 --> 00:48:47,288 Lovely. 741 00:48:47,390 --> 00:48:49,654 It's all about presentation, gentlemen. 742 00:48:57,633 --> 00:49:00,534 Well, I'll be damned! 743 00:49:00,636 --> 00:49:02,831 Poor guy just needed a little TLC. 744 00:49:09,111 --> 00:49:11,944 I got it, guys. No problem whatsoever. 745 00:49:14,717 --> 00:49:17,117 Let the damn baby have his ball back. 746 00:49:20,056 --> 00:49:21,956 Thank you, brothers. 747 00:49:23,826 --> 00:49:26,624 It's not like he can see out of it anyway. 748 00:49:26,729 --> 00:49:28,094 Loser. 749 00:49:33,969 --> 00:49:35,869 Awesome work, sisters. 750 00:49:40,176 --> 00:49:41,541 Special delivery! 751 00:49:43,045 --> 00:49:46,071 - Time out. - What the fuck, Jeannie? 752 00:49:46,182 --> 00:49:49,549 "From the sisters of Sigma Theta Tau." Dig in, guys. 753 00:49:55,925 --> 00:49:58,155 Oh, they're still warm. 754 00:50:01,764 --> 00:50:04,028 - So creamy. - They're awesome. 755 00:50:10,005 --> 00:50:12,405 Oh, they're so creamy. 756 00:50:14,009 --> 00:50:16,068 God, these are excellent. 757 00:50:17,179 --> 00:50:18,874 Guys? Richard? 758 00:50:23,119 --> 00:50:25,349 Think I've had these before. 759 00:50:32,795 --> 00:50:34,092 Oh, my God! 760 00:50:38,601 --> 00:50:40,694 I love this song. 761 00:50:40,803 --> 00:50:42,668 I know. 762 00:50:42,771 --> 00:50:45,433 It is the White Barry. 763 00:50:49,211 --> 00:50:50,940 Is that for me? 764 00:50:51,046 --> 00:50:52,980 I long to rub you the right way. 765 00:50:53,082 --> 00:50:56,711 You're such a bad little Badalandabad. 766 00:51:04,160 --> 00:51:05,627 No harm, no foul. 767 00:51:09,565 --> 00:51:13,126 - Are you all right? - Never better, my jasmine flower. 768 00:51:31,887 --> 00:51:33,821 That feels so good. 769 00:51:39,328 --> 00:51:41,922 Oh, my God. 770 00:51:46,335 --> 00:51:48,064 Take me. 771 00:51:48,170 --> 00:51:50,035 I want you now. 772 00:51:50,139 --> 00:51:51,902 Now! 773 00:51:52,007 --> 00:51:53,941 Shit! 774 00:51:54,977 --> 00:51:56,205 Don't tease me. 775 00:52:06,622 --> 00:52:09,523 This is the culmination of my being. 776 00:52:09,625 --> 00:52:13,152 Baby, I'm about to culminate. Now, get over here. 777 00:52:14,430 --> 00:52:16,261 Tajy, I'm so hot. 778 00:52:16,365 --> 00:52:19,163 - I feel on fire. - Oh, yeah, me too, baby. 779 00:52:19,268 --> 00:52:21,634 - Burning up. - Oh, yeah, baby, I'm burning up. 780 00:52:21,737 --> 00:52:24,035 You are most amazing to make me feel so... 781 00:52:24,873 --> 00:52:27,171 damn hot! 782 00:52:31,981 --> 00:52:34,449 I wonder how T-Bad's date's going. 783 00:52:34,550 --> 00:52:38,509 Scented candles, massage oils, Barry White. 784 00:52:38,621 --> 00:52:41,556 Yeah, we can't be too far from climax, huh? 785 00:53:01,744 --> 00:53:05,202 - Why do I always fail? - You put too much pressure on yourself. 786 00:53:05,314 --> 00:53:07,646 Don't worry about the money. I'll figure something out. 787 00:53:07,750 --> 00:53:09,149 More importantly... 788 00:53:10,719 --> 00:53:13,483 when the time is right... 789 00:53:13,589 --> 00:53:14,749 it'll happen. 790 00:53:14,857 --> 00:53:16,757 You'll find the one. 791 00:53:33,208 --> 00:53:35,768 I need to see the grade transcripts for Van Wilder, please. 792 00:53:35,878 --> 00:53:37,778 I don't think so. 793 00:53:37,880 --> 00:53:41,077 Student transcripts are confidential. Sorry. 794 00:54:14,583 --> 00:54:16,608 Swim team really does need your love, folks. 795 00:54:17,386 --> 00:54:21,618 And if Milty Mingleton can shove himself... 796 00:54:21,724 --> 00:54:24,215 into that weenie bikini... 797 00:54:28,097 --> 00:54:31,589 then you don't need to be shy about making your donations now! 798 00:55:09,104 --> 00:55:11,664 Thank you, Milty! 799 00:55:14,376 --> 00:55:17,004 After we put all the water back in the pool... 800 00:55:17,112 --> 00:55:19,706 we'll be accepting donations in the form of... 801 00:55:19,815 --> 00:55:22,147 cash, Visa and full-frontal nudity. 802 00:55:22,251 --> 00:55:23,718 Hutch, take over. 803 00:55:26,054 --> 00:55:29,421 That's right, folks. Save the swim team. 804 00:55:31,326 --> 00:55:33,760 Bikini-clad judges for a fund-raiser? That's pretty ingenious. 805 00:55:33,862 --> 00:55:36,422 Sex sells, Gwen. Sex sells. 806 00:55:36,532 --> 00:55:39,365 It's not too late for you to enter the doubles breaststroke if you like. 807 00:55:39,468 --> 00:55:42,096 No, thanks. I forgot my suit. 808 00:55:42,204 --> 00:55:44,331 I just came across a bit of interesting information. 809 00:55:44,440 --> 00:55:45,964 All right, look. 810 00:55:46,074 --> 00:55:49,237 The vet assured me that canine semen is perfectly healthy. 811 00:55:49,344 --> 00:55:51,039 In fact, surprisingly rich-- 812 00:55:51,146 --> 00:55:54,081 You've been 18 units shy of graduating for the past 6 semesters. 813 00:55:58,086 --> 00:56:02,045 Whoa. You went klepto on my transcripts. 814 00:56:02,157 --> 00:56:04,125 What's going on with you? 815 00:56:04,226 --> 00:56:06,421 You're actively trying not to get out of here. 816 00:56:06,528 --> 00:56:10,988 Why are you doing this? Do you ever stop playing the in-depth reporter? 817 00:56:11,099 --> 00:56:14,159 I just want to know why you're putting off your life. 818 00:56:14,269 --> 00:56:17,261 Not for the paper. For me. 819 00:56:17,372 --> 00:56:19,135 I have no comment... 820 00:56:20,876 --> 00:56:22,776 for either of you. 821 00:56:56,645 --> 00:56:59,512 External occipital protuberance. 822 00:57:00,883 --> 00:57:04,046 Posterior gluteal line. 823 00:57:07,222 --> 00:57:09,452 Dorsal appendage. Gwen. 824 00:57:09,558 --> 00:57:12,220 - Was the last one right? - Yeah, that's right. 825 00:57:12,327 --> 00:57:15,819 Wrong! The dorsal appendage exists only in marine-equipped mammalia. 826 00:57:15,931 --> 00:57:17,558 I knew you weren't listening. 827 00:57:17,666 --> 00:57:19,998 - What's wrong with you? - Nothing. I'm fine. 828 00:57:20,102 --> 00:57:22,662 Let's get out of here, go grab a beer. 829 00:57:23,472 --> 00:57:26,635 Are you insane? You know my midterm and finals ritual. 830 00:57:26,742 --> 00:57:29,575 I study till 11:00. Nine solid hours of sleep. 831 00:57:29,678 --> 00:57:32,806 Protein shake in the morning. Okay, very cute. 832 00:57:32,915 --> 00:57:35,008 And also correct. 833 00:57:35,117 --> 00:57:37,847 Which gives us 2 hours and 53 minutes of study time. 834 00:57:37,953 --> 00:57:40,979 So, honey, please focus. All righty? 835 00:57:45,360 --> 00:57:47,692 I have confirmations from the African-American Club... 836 00:57:47,796 --> 00:57:49,991 the Gay and Lesbian Caucus, MECCA, HEPA, PETA. 837 00:57:50,098 --> 00:57:52,760 This multi-coalition party was a masterful plan. 838 00:57:52,868 --> 00:57:55,530 It should triple our income. I just hope it's enough. 839 00:57:55,637 --> 00:57:57,901 Van, you must listen to me. 840 00:57:58,006 --> 00:58:01,100 We are merely one party away from accomplishing our goal. 841 00:58:01,209 --> 00:58:02,699 What if she's right, huh? 842 00:58:02,811 --> 00:58:05,541 What if I'm avoiding graduation because I'm scared? 843 00:58:05,647 --> 00:58:07,376 Listen to yourself, meathead. 844 00:58:07,482 --> 00:58:10,007 You've never doubted yourself in your whole life. 845 00:58:10,118 --> 00:58:12,450 This girl's got you thinking, man. It's not good. 846 00:58:13,622 --> 00:58:16,523 - Not good at all. - Hey, you! 847 00:58:16,625 --> 00:58:19,389 Please move banner a skosh higher, huh? 848 00:58:20,963 --> 00:58:23,523 You got all this. I'm gonna go-- 849 00:58:23,632 --> 00:58:25,896 I'm gonna go make some calls for the party, okay? 850 00:58:29,972 --> 00:58:32,406 - Hi, Van. - Hi, Donna. 851 00:58:32,507 --> 00:58:34,737 Hey, guys. 852 00:58:37,045 --> 00:58:40,037 - What are you doing in here? - I had to talk to you. 853 00:58:40,148 --> 00:58:42,878 I thought a lot about what you said, and-- 854 00:58:44,019 --> 00:58:46,146 Well, just-- 855 00:58:46,254 --> 00:58:48,222 just take a look at this. 856 00:58:48,323 --> 00:58:50,689 Yeah. Doodles. 857 00:58:50,792 --> 00:58:53,920 I attended class today. Just about stayed the whole time too. 858 00:58:54,029 --> 00:58:56,156 I'm glad you went to all your classes today. 859 00:58:56,264 --> 00:58:58,164 And a few that weren't mine. Stepped into the wrong one. 860 00:58:58,266 --> 00:59:00,359 Liked what I heard, stayed. 861 00:59:00,469 --> 00:59:02,835 That's great. It really is. 862 00:59:03,772 --> 00:59:06,707 It really is. But don't do it for me. 863 00:59:08,210 --> 00:59:09,438 Do it for you. 864 00:59:09,544 --> 00:59:12,377 Maybe I'm doing it for both of us. 865 00:59:13,849 --> 00:59:17,785 I shouldn't even be talking to you like this. 866 00:59:17,886 --> 00:59:20,252 And I shouldn't be in the women's locker room! 867 00:59:20,355 --> 00:59:23,847 But sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you... 868 00:59:23,959 --> 00:59:27,554 even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be. 869 00:59:28,797 --> 00:59:31,265 How often does your heart lead you into the women's locker room? 870 00:59:33,969 --> 00:59:37,200 - This would be a first. - Why do I find that hard to believe? 871 00:59:37,305 --> 00:59:39,205 I'm not saying I've never been in here before. 872 00:59:39,307 --> 00:59:41,935 I'm saying it's usually a different part of my anatomy that does the leading. 873 00:59:42,044 --> 00:59:44,035 Oh, my God. 874 00:59:47,716 --> 00:59:51,174 I just couldn't believe it. Gwen and Van in the women's locker room. 875 00:59:51,286 --> 00:59:55,052 I mean, I just couldn't believe it. So anyway, let me tell you something. 876 01:00:05,667 --> 01:00:09,262 I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's closed. 877 01:00:11,673 --> 01:00:14,073 - I'm here to enlist your services. - Let me guess. 878 01:00:14,176 --> 01:00:16,838 "Come as your favorite drunk-on-jis, come-gargling frat boy party"? 879 01:00:16,945 --> 01:00:19,140 Then your mom can come. 880 01:00:20,916 --> 01:00:23,180 It's gonna be a bachelor party. 881 01:00:23,285 --> 01:00:25,515 One last night of debauchery with the fellas... 882 01:00:25,620 --> 01:00:28,612 before settling down with my fiancée, Gwen. 883 01:00:29,725 --> 01:00:33,320 Oh, please, you didn't think she'd be interested in a fuckup like you? 884 01:00:46,541 --> 01:00:48,771 That ought to be enough to get you started. 885 01:01:07,562 --> 01:01:08,927 Hello? 886 01:01:09,030 --> 01:01:10,964 Casey. I'm just using Gwen's computer. 887 01:01:11,066 --> 01:01:13,057 Is Gwen there? I need to talk to her. 888 01:01:13,168 --> 01:01:16,399 She's at Richard's getting ready for the engagement dinner tonight. Message? 889 01:01:16,505 --> 01:01:18,735 Nope. That's all right. 890 01:01:26,615 --> 01:01:29,015 Bye. Thanks for coming. 891 01:01:29,117 --> 01:01:31,711 Lindsey and Rob make such a great couple, don't you think? 892 01:01:31,820 --> 01:01:33,720 Yeah, I'm happy for them. 893 01:01:33,822 --> 01:01:36,586 They're gonna make a great married couple too. You know why? 894 01:01:36,691 --> 01:01:38,591 Because they love each other? 895 01:01:38,693 --> 01:01:40,593 Because they're compatible. 896 01:01:42,364 --> 01:01:45,527 Like a heart transplant patient finding a donor with the same blood type... 897 01:01:45,634 --> 01:01:47,829 and just the right chromosomal anomalies. 898 01:01:47,936 --> 01:01:50,769 A perfect match, connected forever. 899 01:01:52,073 --> 01:01:54,701 But that would mean one of them would have to be dead. 900 01:01:55,877 --> 01:01:59,005 Gwenny, I'm just saying that they're a match. 901 01:01:59,114 --> 01:02:01,344 Just like you and me. 902 01:02:06,888 --> 01:02:08,378 Lucky girl. 903 01:02:09,558 --> 01:02:11,048 Gwendolyn Elizabeth Pearson... 904 01:02:11,159 --> 01:02:15,095 I'd be honored if you and I surgically and spiritually... 905 01:02:15,197 --> 01:02:17,825 grafted our lives together. 906 01:02:17,933 --> 01:02:20,800 Richard, I don't know what to say. 907 01:02:20,902 --> 01:02:24,861 Just say yes, because I've got even more amazing news. 908 01:02:24,973 --> 01:02:27,203 Northwestern called this morning. They wanna interview me. 909 01:02:27,309 --> 01:02:29,971 They're gonna send some recruit alums to campus for written and oral exams. 910 01:02:30,078 --> 01:02:32,945 And then I am in! 911 01:02:33,048 --> 01:02:35,312 Oh, man, Northwestern. 912 01:02:35,417 --> 01:02:38,716 That's great. I'm so happy for you, Richard. 913 01:02:38,820 --> 01:02:43,883 Be happy for both of us. The Richard and Gwen life plan is kicking in. 914 01:02:44,559 --> 01:02:46,459 Northwestern. I am the shit. 915 01:02:47,662 --> 01:02:51,223 Your father wants to get us a place in Forest Grove as an engagement present. 916 01:02:51,333 --> 01:02:54,063 - My parents know about this? - Yeah, I told everyone. 917 01:02:56,504 --> 01:02:58,972 Where are you going? 918 01:02:59,074 --> 01:03:01,634 I'm not sure, and for some reason... 919 01:03:01,743 --> 01:03:04,268 I feel really good about that. 920 01:03:08,516 --> 01:03:10,416 I can't hold on 921 01:03:11,586 --> 01:03:13,611 There's no easy way 922 01:03:13,722 --> 01:03:16,156 Hey, Van, can I borrow-- 923 01:03:16,258 --> 01:03:18,158 My God, what happened to you? 924 01:03:19,427 --> 01:03:22,624 - I got hit by a big truck. - Are you okay? 925 01:03:22,731 --> 01:03:24,494 I'm all out of love 926 01:03:24,599 --> 01:03:26,931 I'm so lost without you 927 01:03:27,035 --> 01:03:29,367 I know you were right 928 01:03:29,471 --> 01:03:32,031 Believing for so long 929 01:03:36,144 --> 01:03:39,636 Dope song. What's it called? 930 01:03:39,748 --> 01:03:42,114 "Gwen Used Me For Her Story, Then Married an Ass Wipe... 931 01:03:42,217 --> 01:03:45,709 and Ran Over My Heart With a Big Metaphorical Truck." 932 01:03:45,820 --> 01:03:48,015 Originally performed by Air Supply. 933 01:03:48,123 --> 01:03:50,182 Who's Air Supply? 934 01:03:50,292 --> 01:03:52,351 How old are you, Sally? 935 01:03:53,895 --> 01:03:56,295 I'm old enough to be jealous of that Gwen girl. 936 01:04:04,539 --> 01:04:06,439 Okay, you can do this. 937 01:04:11,313 --> 01:04:12,871 I'm all out of love 938 01:04:12,981 --> 01:04:15,643 I'm so lost without you 939 01:04:15,750 --> 01:04:19,049 I know you were right believing for so long 940 01:04:19,154 --> 01:04:22,555 You must be Gwen-- the truck driver. 941 01:04:24,759 --> 01:04:26,659 Hey. Excuse me. Gwen! 942 01:04:28,496 --> 01:04:30,896 Hey, hold up a second. What are you doing here? 943 01:04:30,999 --> 01:04:33,661 What am I doing here? What were you doing in there? 944 01:04:33,768 --> 01:04:37,397 As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure that's my room, wasn't it? 945 01:04:37,505 --> 01:04:40,201 What was that girl, a freshman? 946 01:04:40,308 --> 01:04:42,833 She reads at a sophomore level. 947 01:04:42,944 --> 01:04:45,276 This was a big mistake, Van. I'm leaving. 948 01:04:45,380 --> 01:04:48,781 Why are you here? Did you come to hire me to do your bachelorette party? 949 01:04:48,883 --> 01:04:52,717 'Cause your party pimp has already been booked by your fiancé. 950 01:04:52,821 --> 01:04:56,382 - My fiancé? What are you talking about? - When are you two tying the knot? 951 01:04:56,491 --> 01:04:58,755 Seriously, I'd really like to hold that date open. 952 01:04:58,860 --> 01:05:01,852 That is none of your business. And you know what? 953 01:05:01,963 --> 01:05:03,726 You're none of mine. 954 01:05:10,305 --> 01:05:13,433 Sounds to me like your rectal itch was getting a late-night booty scratch. 955 01:05:13,541 --> 01:05:18,308 First, my bitch turns down my proposal. Then she runs into that loser's arms. 956 01:05:18,413 --> 01:05:20,779 Now I don't even know where my bitch is. 957 01:05:20,882 --> 01:05:23,646 Wilder's got some big blowout tonight. Maybe your bitch is gonna be there. 958 01:05:23,752 --> 01:05:26,016 You do not call her that, gonad! 959 01:05:26,121 --> 01:05:28,248 Hey, guys. Just giving you all the 411 . 960 01:05:28,356 --> 01:05:30,881 I'm a counselor for the Further Leaders of America's overnighter. 961 01:05:30,992 --> 01:05:34,086 The bus doesn't leave for a few hours. Is there anything I can do before I go? 962 01:05:34,195 --> 01:05:35,890 Anything at all? 963 01:05:36,698 --> 01:05:41,294 Okay, listen up. We've got one quick stop off before we go. 964 01:05:41,403 --> 01:05:43,837 Tit wad! 965 01:05:45,673 --> 01:05:47,971 All right, thank you, man. Enjoy yourself. 966 01:05:48,076 --> 01:05:50,135 All right, sister. Enjoy yourself. Power to the people. 967 01:05:50,245 --> 01:05:52,008 - How you doing, my man? - What's up? 968 01:05:53,515 --> 01:05:57,076 I hate to break this to you, Ming, but you ain't Asian. 969 01:05:58,019 --> 01:06:00,419 Man, you ever heard of Tiger Woods, bitch? 970 01:06:00,522 --> 01:06:03,457 You better get out of here before I hit you upside the head with a three iron. 971 01:06:03,558 --> 01:06:06,550 What's wrong with you? Enjoy yourself. 972 01:06:06,661 --> 01:06:09,755 - What's wrong, dog? - Nothing. I don't feel like partying. 973 01:06:10,865 --> 01:06:12,332 That's a first. 974 01:06:12,434 --> 01:06:15,597 Hey, Van. I just wanted to come by and extend an olive branch. 975 01:06:15,703 --> 01:06:19,469 - ID, please. - It's a terrible picture of me, but-- 976 01:06:19,574 --> 01:06:22,236 Well, I'll be the judge of-- 977 01:06:22,343 --> 01:06:24,311 There's nothing fake about this ID. 978 01:06:24,412 --> 01:06:27,040 Did you sit behind me two semesters ago? 979 01:06:27,148 --> 01:06:29,673 I think I remember this behind. I mean, you sitting behind me. 980 01:06:29,784 --> 01:06:32,810 This whole rivalry thing has become a tad childish. 981 01:06:32,921 --> 01:06:37,358 Well, I hope we can put it all behind us and be friends. 982 01:06:37,459 --> 01:06:38,892 That's what Gwen wants. 983 01:06:38,993 --> 01:06:41,757 You have absolutely no idea what Gwen wants. 984 01:06:43,631 --> 01:06:45,861 Say hi to your gerbil for me. 985 01:06:52,974 --> 01:06:54,339 Okay, kids. 986 01:06:54,442 --> 01:06:56,342 This is our Uncle Jäger. 987 01:06:56,444 --> 01:06:59,242 That's right. Drink up. 988 01:06:59,347 --> 01:07:02,111 This tastes like shit. Do you have any scotch? 989 01:07:04,085 --> 01:07:06,417 Gotta go. Sorry. Bye. 990 01:07:06,521 --> 01:07:08,421 Bye-bye. Call me. 991 01:07:08,523 --> 01:07:10,150 Gentlemen. 992 01:07:10,258 --> 01:07:12,089 Trooper. 993 01:07:12,193 --> 01:07:16,254 We got an anonymous tip that there's some underage drinking going on here. 994 01:07:16,364 --> 01:07:17,524 Hutch? 995 01:07:17,632 --> 01:07:19,657 Hell no, man. I've been at the door all night. 996 01:07:24,372 --> 01:07:26,670 Good enough for me. Have fun, guys. 997 01:07:26,774 --> 01:07:29,299 All right, Trapper. Stay cool. 998 01:07:30,545 --> 01:07:34,447 - I love you, man. - No, man. 999 01:07:34,549 --> 01:07:36,278 I love you. 1000 01:07:38,386 --> 01:07:41,685 Those circus midgets cannot hold their booze! 1001 01:07:45,994 --> 01:07:48,861 Don't worry, Van. We'll get you out, man. 1002 01:08:00,942 --> 01:08:04,207 Delta Iota Kappa rules! 1003 01:08:08,016 --> 01:08:10,917 Damn it, Gwen, pick it up. I know you're there. 1004 01:08:11,019 --> 01:08:13,613 You know I have my Northwestern interview next week. 1005 01:08:14,989 --> 01:08:18,857 Look, I need you to help me "release"... 1006 01:08:18,960 --> 01:08:20,928 some pressure. 1007 01:08:21,029 --> 01:08:25,056 You know, help me "relax." 1008 01:08:25,166 --> 01:08:27,259 Just so we're clear, I'm talking about intercourse. 1009 01:08:27,368 --> 01:08:29,131 I know you had a fling with Wilder. 1010 01:08:29,237 --> 01:08:33,333 And it's okay. You just had to get it out of your system. 1011 01:08:33,441 --> 01:08:36,103 I just hope you used some protection. 1012 01:08:36,211 --> 01:08:38,805 And I wouldn't want our future children to be tainted... 1013 01:08:38,913 --> 01:08:41,541 because Mommy went slumming one night back in college. 1014 01:08:43,151 --> 01:08:46,120 Why don't you go "release" your own pressure? 1015 01:08:46,221 --> 01:08:50,851 And just so we're clear, I'm telling you to go fuck yourself!. 1016 01:08:55,029 --> 01:08:58,521 Hi, partner in crime. Is there anything I can do for you today? 1017 01:08:58,633 --> 01:09:00,032 Oh, my God! 1018 01:09:00,134 --> 01:09:02,295 We make such the fab team! 1019 01:09:02,403 --> 01:09:06,430 Last night, I was so like Bonnie and you were so like Clyde. And now this. 1020 01:09:06,541 --> 01:09:09,669 Would you shut up? I'm trying to pleasure you. 1021 01:09:09,777 --> 01:09:11,938 Sorry, Richard. Pleasure away. 1022 01:09:14,115 --> 01:09:17,346 - PS, this is an awesome room. - PS, shut the fuck up! 1023 01:09:22,123 --> 01:09:24,819 Here, I'm done with all of this. 1024 01:09:24,926 --> 01:09:28,225 - The Wilder story's not done. - Read it before you criticize. 1025 01:09:28,329 --> 01:09:31,127 He got expelled today. Is that in your story? 1026 01:09:31,232 --> 01:09:33,132 'Cause it should be. 1027 01:09:43,678 --> 01:09:46,647 - Is Van here? - He don't wanna see you. 1028 01:09:46,748 --> 01:09:48,841 - Excuse me? - Look. 1029 01:09:48,950 --> 01:09:52,010 - Why don't you just leave him alone? - Home wrecker. 1030 01:10:32,060 --> 01:10:34,722 Oh, thank you! Thank you! 1031 01:10:36,331 --> 01:10:38,561 Out of my way! 1032 01:10:44,138 --> 01:10:48,734 Stop packing! You can appeal the expulsion. It's in the school charter. 1033 01:10:48,843 --> 01:10:52,779 "Any student may appeal an expulsion before the university judicial board... 1034 01:10:52,880 --> 01:10:55,542 and state his or her case within 48 hours of being discharged." 1035 01:10:56,784 --> 01:10:59,275 Do you want my hot tub, or should I just give it to Milty? 1036 01:10:59,387 --> 01:11:01,048 We can get the law club to help. 1037 01:11:01,155 --> 01:11:03,555 They owe you after the "Sue Me, Screw Me" soiree you threw. 1038 01:11:03,658 --> 01:11:06,650 Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm really not interested. 1039 01:11:06,761 --> 01:11:10,128 - You're not hearing me-- - It's over, Taj! 1040 01:11:13,034 --> 01:11:15,264 Fuck you, Van Wilder! 1041 01:11:17,505 --> 01:11:19,473 You heard me. I say-- I say... 1042 01:11:19,574 --> 01:11:21,769 fuck you, you-you-you-- 1043 01:11:21,876 --> 01:11:23,935 you--you-- 1044 01:11:24,045 --> 01:11:26,172 you pussy ass motherfucker! 1045 01:11:26,280 --> 01:11:28,145 You-- You dicksucker! 1046 01:11:28,249 --> 01:11:30,183 Don't sugar coat it, Taj. 1047 01:11:30,284 --> 01:11:32,980 Tell me how you really feel. Seven years. 1048 01:11:34,589 --> 01:11:37,217 Seven years! I've accomplished nothing! 1049 01:11:37,325 --> 01:11:39,225 There's no reason to stay here anymore! 1050 01:11:39,327 --> 01:11:41,158 Sure, sure. You've made tons of friends... 1051 01:11:41,262 --> 01:11:45,130 who in the drop of a rupee do anything for you, and that doesn't mean much? 1052 01:11:45,233 --> 01:11:48,168 Who cares about Sick Boy and the charities you've helped... 1053 01:11:48,269 --> 01:11:51,170 and all of our athletics-- those are all so minuscule? 1054 01:11:51,272 --> 01:11:52,933 And I guess so is a promise... 1055 01:11:53,040 --> 01:11:56,441 made to a wet-behind-the-ears kid from India whose only dream... 1056 01:11:56,544 --> 01:11:59,604 was to bury his face in a beautiful woman's lotus patch. 1057 01:12:00,882 --> 01:12:03,715 You have shown me a life I could only dream about... 1058 01:12:03,818 --> 01:12:06,446 back home while masturbating in my father's woodshed. 1059 01:12:07,555 --> 01:12:10,353 Most importantly, you saw potential... 1060 01:12:13,127 --> 01:12:14,651 in me. 1061 01:12:15,663 --> 01:12:19,360 If you do not see potential in yourself, then you are a blind man. 1062 01:12:21,369 --> 01:12:22,734 I'm leaving. 1063 01:12:22,837 --> 01:12:25,305 Then leave. But leave the honorable way. 1064 01:12:26,441 --> 01:12:29,740 You've been looking for that dare-to-be-great situation. 1065 01:12:29,844 --> 01:12:32,244 It is at your doorstep. 1066 01:12:36,217 --> 01:12:37,582 We need to talk. 1067 01:12:50,264 --> 01:12:51,663 Get me the law club. 1068 01:13:05,313 --> 01:13:07,508 It's ridiculous! It's preposterous! 1069 01:13:07,615 --> 01:13:10,083 It's ludicrous! By God, it's impetuous! 1070 01:13:10,184 --> 01:13:13,176 - So does that mean you gonna help us? - Oh, it's on. 1071 01:13:34,542 --> 01:13:37,306 Let Van stay! Let Van stay! 1072 01:13:37,411 --> 01:13:40,141 Let Van stay! Let Van stay! 1073 01:13:42,116 --> 01:13:45,142 We are now in session. Mr. Wilder. 1074 01:13:45,253 --> 01:13:50,384 You were found in violation of Article 2, Section B of Coolidge's bylaws-- 1075 01:13:50,491 --> 01:13:52,823 soliciting of alcohol to extreme minors... 1076 01:13:52,927 --> 01:13:56,055 which is grounds for immediate expulsion. 1077 01:13:56,163 --> 01:13:58,290 You have opted to appeal. 1078 01:13:58,399 --> 01:13:59,764 The floor is yours. 1079 01:14:02,670 --> 01:14:04,069 Ladies and gentlemen... 1080 01:14:09,710 --> 01:14:11,405 as you know... 1081 01:14:11,512 --> 01:14:14,413 I've been a student here for seven years, and I've-- 1082 01:14:14,515 --> 01:14:17,245 Let Van stay! Let Van stay! 1083 01:14:23,391 --> 01:14:25,586 Order! Order! Settle down, everyone. 1084 01:14:26,894 --> 01:14:30,330 - Continue, Mr. Wilder. - I'm okay. 1085 01:14:30,431 --> 01:14:33,423 I've learned a lot here at Coolidge. 1086 01:14:33,534 --> 01:14:36,628 Let the record show that... 1087 01:14:36,737 --> 01:14:38,432 when I attended class... 1088 01:14:38,539 --> 01:14:41,531 I did receive exemplary marks. 1089 01:14:41,642 --> 01:14:45,544 However, it was only when I met a special someone... 1090 01:14:48,049 --> 01:14:50,449 that I realized what I was doing-- 1091 01:14:50,551 --> 01:14:52,883 hiding. 1092 01:14:52,987 --> 01:14:56,320 See, after this is real life, and I wasn't ready for that. 1093 01:14:56,424 --> 01:14:58,324 I don't know why exactly. 1094 01:14:58,426 --> 01:15:00,690 I do know that I don't wanna end up like my father... 1095 01:15:00,795 --> 01:15:02,695 whose whole life revolves around work. 1096 01:15:02,797 --> 01:15:04,856 But I see that now. 1097 01:15:04,966 --> 01:15:09,130 And I'm ready to move on. 1098 01:15:09,236 --> 01:15:11,796 Well, that's that. Good luck, loser. Who's ready for lunch? 1099 01:15:11,906 --> 01:15:14,636 - Mr. Bagg, you will be quiet. - What's any of this got to do with... 1100 01:15:14,742 --> 01:15:18,200 that he's guilty of an infraction that deserves expulsion? 1101 01:15:18,312 --> 01:15:19,745 Mr. Wilder. 1102 01:15:25,586 --> 01:15:27,850 I can't argue against the infraction. 1103 01:15:27,955 --> 01:15:31,254 I was responsible for that party, so what happened was my fault. 1104 01:15:31,359 --> 01:15:33,657 I'm here to lay myself at the mercy of this court... 1105 01:15:33,761 --> 01:15:36,594 and suggest an alternative punishment. 1106 01:15:36,697 --> 01:15:38,358 Make me graduate. 1107 01:15:38,466 --> 01:15:40,832 If you'll kindly take a look at my transcripts... 1108 01:15:40,935 --> 01:15:44,530 you'll see I'm 18 units from graduating with a leisure studies degree. 1109 01:15:44,639 --> 01:15:47,767 I am pleading to this committee, reinstate me. 1110 01:15:47,875 --> 01:15:50,241 Let me audit my last six classes, take the finals... 1111 01:15:50,344 --> 01:15:52,574 and leave Coolidge with a degree. 1112 01:15:57,084 --> 01:16:01,418 God, I've bled... 1113 01:16:01,522 --> 01:16:04,889 crimson and blue for nearly a decade. 1114 01:16:04,992 --> 01:16:08,792 This school has given me so much. Let me repay Coolidge... 1115 01:16:08,896 --> 01:16:11,763 by parting ways as a graduate. 1116 01:16:22,910 --> 01:16:25,242 What are the courses Mr. Wilder needs in order to graduate? 1117 01:16:25,346 --> 01:16:28,144 Biology, English Lit, Calculus, Economics... 1118 01:16:28,249 --> 01:16:30,547 - Sociology and Political Science. - Wow. 1119 01:16:30,651 --> 01:16:34,052 - That's quite a load. - Well, Van can handle quite a load. 1120 01:16:36,257 --> 01:16:40,057 If we expel him, there could be some sort of a coup d'état. 1121 01:16:40,161 --> 01:16:42,721 He broke a rule. He should pay the consequences. 1122 01:16:42,830 --> 01:16:44,229 Well, let's take a vote. 1123 01:16:44,331 --> 01:16:46,424 There's five of us here. Majority rules. 1124 01:16:47,401 --> 01:16:48,629 I vote reinstatement. 1125 01:16:48,736 --> 01:16:51,500 - Mr. Bagg? - Expulsion. 1126 01:16:51,605 --> 01:16:53,573 Miss Haver? 1127 01:16:53,674 --> 01:16:54,800 Reinstatement... 1128 01:16:54,909 --> 01:16:56,843 over and over. 1129 01:16:56,944 --> 01:16:59,469 Okay. Mrs. Seay? 1130 01:16:59,580 --> 01:17:00,638 Expulsion. 1131 01:17:00,748 --> 01:17:02,909 Professor McDoogle? 1132 01:17:03,017 --> 01:17:05,645 You know, I've waited a long, long time for this day to come. 1133 01:17:05,753 --> 01:17:07,243 Either way... 1134 01:17:07,354 --> 01:17:10,084 Van Wilder's tenure here at Coolidge is over. 1135 01:17:15,029 --> 01:17:16,929 Let's see what the kid's made of. 1136 01:17:18,299 --> 01:17:20,164 He's in! He's in! 1137 01:17:31,245 --> 01:17:33,509 - Hey, Jeannie. - Look. 1138 01:17:33,614 --> 01:17:36,447 I just wanted to explain about the whole, you know, Richard thing. 1139 01:17:36,550 --> 01:17:39,678 Me and Richard's unspoken bond blossomed the other night in one beautiful... 1140 01:17:39,787 --> 01:17:41,846 symbiotic act. 1141 01:17:41,956 --> 01:17:44,550 - What sort of act? - Messing up that Van Wilder party. 1142 01:17:45,760 --> 01:17:48,024 And then we bumped uglies. 1143 01:17:48,129 --> 01:17:50,290 It was the best ten seconds ever. 1144 01:17:52,233 --> 01:17:53,393 Ever. 1145 01:17:53,734 --> 01:17:56,703 Yes, these interviews are somewhat of a formality... 1146 01:17:56,804 --> 01:18:00,535 but I think it's crucial we like-minded people get to know one another. 1147 01:18:05,780 --> 01:18:08,647 - I knew you'd come to your senses. - Hello, Richard. 1148 01:18:08,749 --> 01:18:12,048 Look. I know we have a lot of surgery to perform on our relationship. 1149 01:18:12,153 --> 01:18:15,145 But right now I am prepping for the biggest moment of our lives. 1150 01:18:15,256 --> 01:18:20,159 I have a written exam first, and then an interview with five Northwestern alums. 1151 01:18:20,261 --> 01:18:21,660 All doctors. 1152 01:18:21,762 --> 01:18:24,356 That's why I came-- to help make you your shake. 1153 01:18:24,465 --> 01:18:26,660 - That'd be terrific, Gwenny. - I'll see you downstairs. 1154 01:18:28,602 --> 01:18:31,765 But hurry. Interview's in a half hour, other side of campus. 1155 01:18:33,240 --> 01:18:35,731 Sorry about that. 1156 01:18:43,584 --> 01:18:46,280 Northwestern. I am the shit. 1157 01:18:46,387 --> 01:18:48,446 You certainly will be. 1158 01:18:48,556 --> 01:18:50,683 Gwenny, thank you. 1159 01:18:55,896 --> 01:18:58,694 Good luck, honey. You deserve it. 1160 01:19:05,906 --> 01:19:08,602 I certainly do. 1161 01:20:12,439 --> 01:20:13,770 Cytosine. 1162 01:20:13,874 --> 01:20:15,569 Nothin' but net, my man. 1163 01:20:15,676 --> 01:20:19,510 Now remember, before any final, take a pregame dump. 1164 01:20:35,629 --> 01:20:38,097 Thanks for coming in. You did a great job, really. 1165 01:20:38,198 --> 01:20:41,190 Richard! I was just talking about you. 1166 01:20:41,302 --> 01:20:43,862 Hey, surprise. I'm on your oral exam board. 1167 01:20:43,971 --> 01:20:46,769 Look, come in here. I want you to meet your future alumni. 1168 01:20:46,874 --> 01:20:48,808 - I gotta go-- - No, come on. It's a great time. 1169 01:20:48,909 --> 01:20:50,968 Look, it's Richard. 1170 01:20:51,078 --> 01:20:54,980 Finished his written exam in only 20 minutes. This kid is a dynamo. 1171 01:20:55,082 --> 01:20:57,482 Richard, I want you to meet Dr. Stern. 1172 01:20:57,584 --> 01:20:58,573 Dr. Fine. 1173 01:20:58,686 --> 01:21:02,486 It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bagg. I've heard a lot about you. 1174 01:21:03,624 --> 01:21:06,525 - Dr. Brown. - This is something of a formality. 1175 01:21:06,627 --> 01:21:09,425 We just want to get to know you better. 1176 01:21:09,530 --> 01:21:11,998 And Dr. Smelnick. 1177 01:21:13,033 --> 01:21:15,263 Richard, is there something you want to say? 1178 01:21:15,369 --> 01:21:17,769 You look like you want to get something out, son. 1179 01:21:23,010 --> 01:21:24,102 Oh, my God! 1180 01:21:31,618 --> 01:21:33,210 - Vile. - Oh, it burns! 1181 01:21:36,724 --> 01:21:38,089 I'm bleeding! 1182 01:21:39,259 --> 01:21:40,749 Dear God, that's wretched. 1183 01:22:04,852 --> 01:22:07,548 "Oh, I kept the first for another day. 1184 01:22:07,654 --> 01:22:10,555 Yet knowing how way leads on to way... 1185 01:22:10,657 --> 01:22:13,649 I doubted if I should ever come back." 1186 01:22:13,761 --> 01:22:16,787 I want you to tell me what Robert Frost was trying to express here. 1187 01:22:16,897 --> 01:22:19,161 I'm gonna need at least one more booklet. 1188 01:22:20,367 --> 01:22:22,267 - What? - In other school news... 1189 01:22:22,369 --> 01:22:24,894 we have an update on the "Wilder Watch." 1190 01:22:25,005 --> 01:22:28,202 The rigorous day has been a success for Van the man. 1191 01:22:28,308 --> 01:22:32,802 Five finals in the can with Professor McDoogle's advanced econ final to go. 1192 01:22:35,582 --> 01:22:38,813 Van! Van, wake up, wake up, wake up. 1193 01:22:38,919 --> 01:22:41,444 - Your final's in exactly seven minutes! - All right. 1194 01:22:54,735 --> 01:22:56,828 It's the moment of truth, people. 1195 01:23:12,252 --> 01:23:14,777 I'm so glad you could fit us into your schedule this morning. 1196 01:23:14,888 --> 01:23:17,118 Wouldn't miss it for the world, sir. 1197 01:23:18,625 --> 01:23:20,354 All right. 1198 01:23:20,461 --> 01:23:23,521 Pass these out. Thank you. 1199 01:23:44,918 --> 01:23:46,818 It's getting to be that time of the hour. 1200 01:23:50,424 --> 01:23:55,157 And your time is up, Mr. Wilder. Pencils down. 1201 01:24:00,167 --> 01:24:01,828 - Thank you. - For four years... 1202 01:24:01,935 --> 01:24:04,062 I have been grooming myself for the real world. 1203 01:24:04,171 --> 01:24:08,631 I, like many, define the real world as stuff that happens after graduation. 1204 01:24:08,742 --> 01:24:13,338 But I was wrong. It took a man by the name of Van Wilder to teach me that. 1205 01:24:13,447 --> 01:24:16,143 You've all undoubtedly been to one of Van's parties. 1206 01:24:16,250 --> 01:24:19,481 He's probably touched your life in some way, whether you know it or not. 1207 01:24:19,586 --> 01:24:22,054 Watch Van do belly flops into a pool... 1208 01:24:22,156 --> 01:24:26,855 but make sure you see he's raised $5,000 to give the swim team a next season. 1209 01:24:26,960 --> 01:24:30,123 As you're all aware, Van was almost expelled. 1210 01:24:30,230 --> 01:24:32,323 What you probably don't know is that he was set up... 1211 01:24:32,432 --> 01:24:34,332 by a pathetic, egomaniacal frat boy... 1212 01:24:34,434 --> 01:24:37,597 one who this reporter knows firsthand to have a serious problem... 1213 01:24:37,704 --> 01:24:40,537 with premature ejaculation. 1214 01:24:40,641 --> 01:24:43,007 And in reaction to this lynching... 1215 01:24:43,110 --> 01:24:46,671 Van put in more effort in six days than most have all semester. 1216 01:24:46,780 --> 01:24:51,444 Win or lose, we should thank him for reminding us what we're all capable of. 1217 01:24:51,552 --> 01:24:53,713 That's simply what he does-- 1218 01:24:53,820 --> 01:24:56,653 he inspires the uninspired. 1219 01:25:01,595 --> 01:25:05,156 Van. Hurry. The night of fun and fornication's upon us. 1220 01:25:05,265 --> 01:25:07,165 Hey, have you heard from Gwen? 1221 01:25:08,268 --> 01:25:10,498 No, she-- she hasn't yet called back. 1222 01:25:10,604 --> 01:25:13,402 Right. I'll be down in a minute, okay? 1223 01:25:13,507 --> 01:25:15,737 - Okay. - See ya, V. 1224 01:25:36,396 --> 01:25:40,264 Jesus. This is some pad you got here. 1225 01:25:40,367 --> 01:25:42,597 Decorated in early fuck. 1226 01:25:47,507 --> 01:25:50,738 Well, I made it a point to personally come down here, Wilder. 1227 01:25:50,844 --> 01:25:53,005 I wanted to give you the results of your test firsthand. 1228 01:25:53,113 --> 01:25:55,513 And just as I expected... 1229 01:25:56,683 --> 01:25:58,207 you succeeded. 1230 01:25:58,318 --> 01:26:01,549 - Ninety-one percent. - What? 1231 01:26:03,190 --> 01:26:04,782 I'm proud of you, Wilder. 1232 01:26:04,891 --> 01:26:07,553 I've been waiting all these years for you to realize your potential. 1233 01:26:07,661 --> 01:26:09,561 That's why you and I had friction? 1234 01:26:09,663 --> 01:26:12,791 I thought it was 'cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year. 1235 01:26:13,834 --> 01:26:17,065 Why? What-- You fooled around with my daughter? 1236 01:26:18,138 --> 01:26:19,366 What? 1237 01:26:35,756 --> 01:26:37,656 Hey, I know you. 1238 01:26:37,758 --> 01:26:40,090 - Thank you very much. - You're the best, Van. 1239 01:26:40,193 --> 01:26:42,627 Hey, I couldn't have did it without you. Appreciate it. 1240 01:26:42,729 --> 01:26:46,597 I need you to fill this up with ice. Pack as much as you can inside. 1241 01:26:46,700 --> 01:26:49,999 - Okay? Excuse me. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 1242 01:26:52,072 --> 01:26:54,905 My name is Orissa Punjab Nizamabad. 1243 01:26:56,009 --> 01:26:58,671 I've just transferred here from Banglapur. 1244 01:27:08,388 --> 01:27:10,151 Excuse me. Can you tell me... 1245 01:27:10,257 --> 01:27:12,817 where I might find the raddest fucking dude alive? 1246 01:27:12,926 --> 01:27:15,224 Yeah, by the pool, Gramps. 1247 01:27:16,330 --> 01:27:19,561 Hey, I know you, man! Oh, fuck. 1248 01:27:19,666 --> 01:27:22,601 Congratulations, Van. I knew you had it in you. 1249 01:27:25,972 --> 01:27:27,940 Dad! I can't believe you're here. 1250 01:27:28,041 --> 01:27:29,975 I can't believe you graduated. 1251 01:27:30,077 --> 01:27:31,772 A friend of yours... 1252 01:27:31,878 --> 01:27:34,073 sent me this. 1253 01:27:35,549 --> 01:27:38,985 I'm proud of you, Van, graduation or no graduation. 1254 01:27:39,086 --> 01:27:41,919 Thank you. And I'm sorry that I spent... 1255 01:27:42,022 --> 01:27:45,355 such a buttload of your money for so long. 1256 01:27:45,459 --> 01:27:48,792 It's by far the best investment I ever made. 1257 01:27:58,605 --> 01:28:02,200 - You did good. - Let's get this man "leid." 1258 01:28:02,309 --> 01:28:04,743 Meet my new girl. 1259 01:28:21,194 --> 01:28:23,754 You look so-- 1260 01:28:23,864 --> 01:28:25,354 Wow. 1261 01:28:25,465 --> 01:28:28,491 - Wow. - I was hoping you'd say that. 1262 01:28:36,777 --> 01:28:40,372 - May I? - As long as we cuddle afterwards. 1263 01:28:44,684 --> 01:28:49,018 There's so much that I need to say-- the article-- 1264 01:28:56,630 --> 01:28:59,121 I was scared that you wouldn't come. 1265 01:28:59,232 --> 01:29:02,224 Well, I was trying to decide what panties I should wear. 1266 01:29:03,103 --> 01:29:05,128 Which ones did you choose? 1267 01:29:06,006 --> 01:29:07,701 None. 1268 01:29:55,455 --> 01:29:57,616 It's gonna be a bachelor party. 1269 01:29:57,724 --> 01:30:00,625 One last night of debauchery with the fellas. 1270 01:30:10,470 --> 01:30:12,631 You can't even-- 1271 01:30:12,739 --> 01:30:14,730 I mean, this girl is-- 1272 01:30:16,243 --> 01:30:19,576 - I was wondering-- - I'll do it. 1273 01:30:23,950 --> 01:30:27,044 I'm getting my shit together. Just one second. 1274 01:30:27,854 --> 01:30:29,412 I can't do this! 1275 01:30:39,466 --> 01:30:41,957 Oh, man. My mama never told me I'd be doing this. 1276 01:30:44,104 --> 01:30:46,038 I want to chew the-- 1277 01:30:46,139 --> 01:30:48,232 And then-- I don't know how. 1278 01:30:57,617 --> 01:31:02,179 Kids, this is what white jockey blowin' hookers will do to you. 1279 01:31:03,305 --> 01:31:09,532 Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom. $5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com