1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM

2
00:00:24,604 --> 00:00:27,038
Do you know the difference
between being free

3
00:00:27,207 --> 00:00:28,196
and being high?

4
00:00:30,344 --> 00:00:32,175
Neither do I.

5
00:00:32,346 --> 00:00:34,940
Back in Texas, I knew everything.

6
00:00:35,882 --> 00:00:37,213
Because I'm from Texas.

7
00:00:38,618 --> 00:00:40,381
But that was before
any of this happened.

8
00:00:42,456 --> 00:00:45,050
It was a writing class
in junior college.

9
00:00:45,225 --> 00:00:47,557
We were studying
the elements of story...

10
00:00:53,834 --> 00:00:56,200
The acronym spells "sucker,"

11
00:00:56,370 --> 00:00:58,031
sort of.

12
00:00:58,205 --> 00:01:01,038
If you grew up in the setting of Houston

13
00:01:01,208 --> 00:01:03,574
believing the Astrodome
was visible from space,

14
00:01:03,744 --> 00:01:06,144
you, like me, are a sucker.

15
00:01:07,647 --> 00:01:09,478
If your parents have a conflict

16
00:01:09,649 --> 00:01:10,877
and your pothead father says,

17
00:01:11,051 --> 00:01:13,417
"I'll never leave you, little man,"

18
00:01:13,587 --> 00:01:16,579
you, like me, are a sucker.

19
00:01:16,757 --> 00:01:21,160
And if it takes you 19 years of Sundays
to figure this out,

20
00:01:21,328 --> 00:01:24,820
you, like me,
are a Southern Baptist.

21
00:01:28,245 --> 00:01:34,845
A subtitle made possible by R3V0LV3R.

22
00:01:44,084 --> 00:01:45,915
Hey, your mom asked me
to church on Sunday.

23
00:01:46,086 --> 00:01:48,554
Something about going-away ceremony?

24
00:01:48,722 --> 00:01:49,552
You want to come to that?

25
00:01:49,723 --> 00:01:51,247
I do if I'm sitting next to your mom.

26
00:01:51,425 --> 00:01:52,949
Aw, here we go.

27
00:01:53,126 --> 00:01:55,287
She ain't cheatin' on me, is she?

28
00:01:55,462 --> 00:01:58,022
Uh, these jokes never get old, Jordan.

29
00:01:58,198 --> 00:02:00,962
No. I bet it's that Mexican gardener.

30
00:02:01,134 --> 00:02:03,762
I seen him weed-whacking
outside your apartment,

31
00:02:03,937 --> 00:02:05,905
taking his shirt off all slow,

32
00:02:06,606 --> 00:02:07,732
like in the movies.

33
00:02:08,475 --> 00:02:10,636
Like if there's a sprinkler on him.

34
00:02:10,811 --> 00:02:12,972
Okay. I get the picture.

35
00:02:13,547 --> 00:02:14,536
Hey, he's cute, man.

36
00:02:14,714 --> 00:02:18,445
If I was your mom,
all hot and sex-starved,

37
00:02:18,985 --> 00:02:20,612
I'd let him pop my tart.

38
00:02:23,256 --> 00:02:25,224
Hey, party tonight at my house.

39
00:02:25,392 --> 00:02:26,916
Wine, cheese, hot babes,

40
00:02:27,093 --> 00:02:28,583
not that you'd be interested.

41
00:02:28,762 --> 00:02:30,423
Ah, I got a thing at church.

42
00:02:30,597 --> 00:02:32,087
Of course. Just 'cause you live there

43
00:02:32,265 --> 00:02:34,392
doesn't mean you shouldn't
get out once in a while.

44
00:02:34,568 --> 00:02:36,593
It's the junior high lock-in, man.
It goes all night.

45
00:02:37,070 --> 00:02:40,096
Come on, bro. How we gonna celebrate
your last day on the job?

46
00:02:41,274 --> 00:02:42,798
Ha ha! Follow me. Come on.

47
00:02:43,443 --> 00:02:45,138
Jordan!

48
00:02:45,312 --> 00:02:46,279
Jordan, come on, man!

49
00:02:46,446 --> 00:02:47,845
We're in our street clothes!
You're gonna get us busted.

50
00:02:48,014 --> 00:02:51,313
My best friend Don,
at the end of the line.

51
00:02:52,319 --> 00:02:53,251
Salute.

52
00:02:57,824 --> 00:02:58,813
Ha ha! Texas tea, brother.

53
00:02:58,992 --> 00:02:59,856
Dude, not cool. Bro.

54
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:01,657
Oh, you want to dance?

55
00:03:01,828 --> 00:03:02,658
- Seriously.
- Look at you.

56
00:03:02,829 --> 00:03:04,421
- Don't mess around.
- Who said Baptists can't dance?

57
00:03:04,965 --> 00:03:06,956
Jordan, I'm gonna
make you drink that.

58
00:03:07,133 --> 00:03:09,294
I drink it all the time, bro.

59
00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:12,533
Confess your sins to each other,

60
00:03:12,706 --> 00:03:13,934
and pray for each other

61
00:03:14,107 --> 00:03:15,597
so that you may be healed.

62
00:03:17,043 --> 00:03:19,341
So does anybody need to be healed?

63
00:03:20,013 --> 00:03:21,378
All right, now why don't we focus
on where it says,

64
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"confess your sins."

65
00:03:22,549 --> 00:03:25,211
Does anybody have anything
they need to confess? Anybody?

66
00:03:28,555 --> 00:03:30,989
My family went to the beach,
and my dad took me out,

67
00:03:31,157 --> 00:03:32,954
and a huge wave knocked me
out of his arms,

68
00:03:33,126 --> 00:03:34,320
and he couldn't find me and stuff.

69
00:03:34,494 --> 00:03:37,622
He actually saw something pick me up
out of the water and take me to him.

70
00:03:37,797 --> 00:03:38,661
No way.

71
00:03:38,832 --> 00:03:41,027
I've had experiences with angels.
It's awesome.

72
00:03:43,003 --> 00:03:43,833
Ohh! Ohh!

73
00:03:45,005 --> 00:03:45,994
Who wants more sugar?

74
00:03:46,473 --> 00:03:48,634
Okay. All right.
Keep going. Keep going.

75
00:03:50,577 --> 00:03:53,705
It's still going? Must be some party.
Who all's there?

76
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,006
Everybody.

77
00:03:55,882 --> 00:03:56,871
Tons of girls.

78
00:03:58,552 --> 00:04:00,520
Sorry, Jordo.
I'd come cheer you up,

79
00:04:00,687 --> 00:04:03,520
but right after this,
I got breakfast with The Hobo.

80
00:04:03,690 --> 00:04:05,851
Call you later.

81
00:04:06,026 --> 00:04:07,926
I gotta go at 6:00.

82
00:04:08,094 --> 00:04:09,755
- You bring my communion cups?
- Factory fresh.

83
00:04:09,930 --> 00:04:11,659
- They for tonight?
- Shh, shh.

84
00:04:12,699 --> 00:04:14,724
When you find out,
it's gonna blow your mind.

85
00:04:15,335 --> 00:04:16,666
So... got your car packed

86
00:04:16,836 --> 00:04:18,599
- for the big, bad university?
- Yep.

87
00:04:18,772 --> 00:04:21,002
Don't let 'em brainwash you, Donny.

88
00:04:22,042 --> 00:04:23,873
Well, it is a Baptist college.

89
00:04:24,044 --> 00:04:25,534
Yeah, but it's gotten way more liberal now.

90
00:04:25,712 --> 00:04:27,509
I mean, when I used to go there,

91
00:04:27,681 --> 00:04:29,512
the girls still had to wear heels,

92
00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:31,514
keep their knuckles
from dragging the ground.

93
00:04:32,786 --> 00:04:34,617
Don't tell my wife I said that.

94
00:04:34,788 --> 00:04:36,756
All right, who wants Kool-Aid?!

95
00:04:51,471 --> 00:04:52,733
Bebop?

96
00:04:52,906 --> 00:04:54,100
You've been listening.

97
00:04:54,274 --> 00:04:56,902
Yeah, when I'm not in the mood
for music, I put on jazz.

98
00:04:57,077 --> 00:04:59,238
Life is like jazz, son.

99
00:05:00,814 --> 00:05:01,940
Never resolves.

100
00:05:03,450 --> 00:05:04,712
You get the going-away
present I sent you?

101
00:05:04,884 --> 00:05:06,374
I read a few chapters.

102
00:05:06,553 --> 00:05:08,418
- You guys still friends?
- Oh, yeah.

103
00:05:08,588 --> 00:05:11,989
He just bought 30 acres
up in, uh, Oregon.

104
00:05:12,158 --> 00:05:13,819
He's a good writer
for being full of crap.

105
00:05:13,994 --> 00:05:15,256
Went to a good school.

106
00:05:15,428 --> 00:05:17,157
Ever heard of Reed College?

107
00:05:18,632 --> 00:05:21,066
Know what the average
IQ score is at Reed?

108
00:05:21,568 --> 00:05:24,628
138, 2 points above genius.

109
00:05:27,273 --> 00:05:28,740
You want a beer?

110
00:05:28,908 --> 00:05:30,773
I won't tell Jesus.

111
00:05:31,778 --> 00:05:33,075
No, thanks.

112
00:05:35,115 --> 00:05:37,606
So he's still connected at the school,

113
00:05:37,784 --> 00:05:42,016
and when he told me
he could pull a few strings,

114
00:05:42,188 --> 00:05:43,450
I, um...

115
00:05:45,925 --> 00:05:46,823
You what?

116
00:05:50,697 --> 00:05:51,686
I got you in, Donny,

117
00:05:53,099 --> 00:05:54,191
at Reed.

118
00:05:57,037 --> 00:05:58,527
You enrolled me?

119
00:05:58,705 --> 00:06:00,036
For this term?

120
00:06:00,206 --> 00:06:01,696
That's not how it works.

121
00:06:01,875 --> 00:06:04,537
Well, took some finagling.

122
00:06:05,545 --> 00:06:07,513
Even had to send 'em a deposit.

123
00:06:10,483 --> 00:06:11,609
I already got a scholarship,

124
00:06:12,786 --> 00:06:13,718
Trinity Baptist.

125
00:06:13,887 --> 00:06:15,047
So you can get
a preaching degree

126
00:06:15,221 --> 00:06:16,153
and make your mom happy?

127
00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:20,157
A brain like that
working for a church?

128
00:06:20,326 --> 00:06:23,227
You only believe that stuff 'cause you're
afraid to hang out with people who don't.

129
00:06:23,396 --> 00:06:24,454
I'm going for the writing program.

130
00:06:24,631 --> 00:06:25,563
Well, then go somewhere

131
00:06:25,732 --> 00:06:28,565
they don't hand you the script
and tell you to copy it.

132
00:06:29,669 --> 00:06:31,899
You hear that?

133
00:06:33,373 --> 00:06:34,840
That's free-form.

134
00:06:35,008 --> 00:06:37,533
Improvise.
Write your own damn story,

135
00:06:38,244 --> 00:06:40,007
or that kook mom of yours
will write it for you.

136
00:06:40,180 --> 00:06:41,010
Don't call her that.

137
00:06:41,181 --> 00:06:44,082
Yeah, or I'll be "left behind", right?

138
00:06:49,656 --> 00:06:51,351
Come on. Let me do this
for you, Donny.

139
00:06:51,558 --> 00:06:52,820
Why now?

140
00:06:52,992 --> 00:06:55,722
It's cheaper than having you
kidnapped and deprogrammed.

141
00:06:57,764 --> 00:07:00,062
All those years you were
dodging child support...

142
00:07:03,737 --> 00:07:06,103
our church paid for the groceries.

143
00:07:14,114 --> 00:07:18,016
- Who's that one?
- Intern.

144
00:07:19,886 --> 00:07:20,944
Thought you were on sabbatical.

145
00:07:21,121 --> 00:07:22,952
That's why I only have one.

146
00:07:23,523 --> 00:07:24,922
You want me to introduce you?

147
00:07:25,592 --> 00:07:26,718
You got a girlfriend yet?

148
00:07:27,127 --> 00:07:29,027
Hey, Lindsey,

149
00:07:29,195 --> 00:07:31,561
my Baptist son here
needs some tutoring.

150
00:07:31,731 --> 00:07:32,595
Dad.

151
00:07:42,275 --> 00:07:43,742
Here comes Sunday morning.

152
00:07:46,980 --> 00:07:49,915
You know what works
great with sunrise?

153
00:07:52,886 --> 00:07:55,446
A Love Supreme, John Coltrane.

154
00:08:04,430 --> 00:08:07,422
Pushes the sun right
out of the earth, huh?

155
00:08:29,422 --> 00:08:31,356
They have no regard for Jesus.

156
00:08:31,524 --> 00:08:33,515
These people have no regard
for common sense.

157
00:08:33,693 --> 00:08:34,955
They hate Christianity.

158
00:08:35,128 --> 00:08:36,993
Some of this they learn in the homes...

159
00:08:37,163 --> 00:08:40,132
Good morning, Mama.
Rise and shine.

160
00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:42,700
- What time is it?
- It's almost 8:00.

161
00:08:42,969 --> 00:08:45,335
I'll take the first shower.
You can sleep a little more, okay?

162
00:08:51,177 --> 00:08:52,769
Breakfast!

163
00:08:53,213 --> 00:08:55,841
Coming! Not too many bananas.

164
00:08:59,185 --> 00:09:00,675
You have one message.

165
00:09:00,854 --> 00:09:04,654
Señora, buenos noches.
Are you home?

166
00:09:05,358 --> 00:09:08,293
Ah, bella muchacha,
are you awake, mi amor?

167
00:09:08,962 --> 00:09:12,693
Sleep the sleep de los ángeles.
I'll see you mañana.

168
00:09:13,166 --> 00:09:15,999
" Yo te quiero infinito. "

169
00:09:16,236 --> 00:09:19,501
" Yo te quiero infinito. "

170
00:09:19,672 --> 00:09:23,836
" Yo te quiero, yo te quiero infinito. "

171
00:09:27,914 --> 00:09:29,211
Message deleted.

172
00:09:31,251 --> 00:09:33,549
You like it?

173
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:34,687
Is that new?

174
00:09:34,854 --> 00:09:35,912
It's your big day.

175
00:09:36,856 --> 00:09:37,982
Any calls?

176
00:09:39,325 --> 00:09:41,691
Some Mexican guy
had the wrong number.

177
00:09:41,861 --> 00:09:43,522
Hmm.

178
00:09:44,530 --> 00:09:45,929
So how's your father?

179
00:09:46,099 --> 00:09:48,431
Huh? You really want to know?

180
00:09:48,735 --> 00:09:50,202
Not at all.

181
00:09:51,104 --> 00:09:53,572
That's third night in a row
with the TV on.

182
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,264
Is that a record?

183
00:09:55,441 --> 00:09:57,409
Keeps me company
when you're not around.

184
00:10:00,346 --> 00:10:02,439
Everybody's been asking me,

185
00:10:02,615 --> 00:10:06,016
what am I gonna do with myself
when you're gone.

186
00:10:07,186 --> 00:10:10,019
Mom, it's not gonna be like that.

187
00:10:10,189 --> 00:10:12,419
I'm barely leaving the zip code.

188
00:10:12,592 --> 00:10:15,925
I'm sorry, Donny.
It's just hormones.

189
00:10:16,095 --> 00:10:18,086
Is my mascara running?

190
00:10:18,264 --> 00:10:20,255
You look beautiful, Mom.

191
00:10:20,433 --> 00:10:22,697
And nothing's gonna change.

192
00:10:24,404 --> 00:10:26,565
I'm always just a phone call away.

193
00:10:28,741 --> 00:10:32,905
Ephesians 6:11 tells us
to put on the full armor of God,

194
00:10:33,079 --> 00:10:36,071
but wearing God's armor
isn't always easy, is it, Don?

195
00:10:36,249 --> 00:10:37,409
No, sir.

196
00:10:37,583 --> 00:10:39,483
Your friends may not think you're cool.

197
00:10:39,652 --> 00:10:42,280
So when we dress you
in the full armor of God,

198
00:10:42,455 --> 00:10:45,288
it's not just a fun,
little going-away gift.

199
00:10:45,458 --> 00:10:47,722
It tells the world what, Don?

200
00:10:47,894 --> 00:10:49,885
Romans 1:16, sir.

201
00:10:50,063 --> 00:10:52,463
"I'm not ashamed of the
Gospel of Christ."

202
00:10:52,632 --> 00:10:54,725
Amen. Let's give him a hand, church.

203
00:10:56,135 --> 00:10:56,999
Give it up.

204
00:10:57,770 --> 00:10:59,795
Thank God. Appreciate it.

205
00:10:59,973 --> 00:11:01,235
All right.

206
00:11:01,407 --> 00:11:02,669
Now hold on. Hold on, folks.

207
00:11:02,842 --> 00:11:04,605
Hold on.
Donny, Donny, not so fast, bro.

208
00:11:04,777 --> 00:11:08,304
I'm gonna need my sidekick
for story time, kids.

209
00:11:08,481 --> 00:11:10,813
Come on down as my lovely wife
tickles the organ.

210
00:11:10,984 --> 00:11:13,111
Just gather round
right here in front of us.

211
00:11:13,286 --> 00:11:14,310
That's it.

212
00:11:15,755 --> 00:11:17,518
Ha ha. All right.

213
00:11:17,957 --> 00:11:21,154
Now, today we have a very special amigo

214
00:11:21,694 --> 00:11:23,787
who's come to listen to our story,
but he's a bit shy.

215
00:11:23,963 --> 00:11:25,863
Let's see if I can...

216
00:11:26,032 --> 00:11:27,932
Hey, hey, uh, Tito.

217
00:11:31,804 --> 00:11:32,793
Here he comes.

218
00:11:42,348 --> 00:11:45,442
Yes, today is Tito's birthday, but,

219
00:11:45,618 --> 00:11:47,882
oh, oh, but he's very sad.
You know why?

220
00:11:48,054 --> 00:11:51,046
'Cause today he learned
what happened on the cross.

221
00:11:51,224 --> 00:11:52,851
So for his birthday,
we're going to show Tito

222
00:11:53,026 --> 00:11:54,459
how the cross can
make him happy, yes?!

223
00:11:54,627 --> 00:11:55,855
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

224
00:11:56,029 --> 00:11:57,496
Yeah. All right,
let's bring down the cross.

225
00:11:57,663 --> 00:11:58,652
2, 3, go.

226
00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:02,024
That's my girl.
All right, here it comes.

227
00:12:02,535 --> 00:12:05,561
Look at this. Now we need
someone really, really strong

228
00:12:05,738 --> 00:12:06,636
to break down this piñata.

229
00:12:06,806 --> 00:12:07,636
- Who wants to do it?
- Me! Me!

230
00:12:07,807 --> 00:12:09,365
Who's really strong?
Are you strong enough?

231
00:12:09,542 --> 00:12:10,668
I don't know. I think...

232
00:12:10,843 --> 00:12:12,310
Smartacus here.

233
00:12:12,478 --> 00:12:15,003
Smartacus here,
he's got what it takes.

234
00:12:15,815 --> 00:12:18,978
Smartacus is going to use
his Sword of the Spirit,

235
00:12:19,152 --> 00:12:21,382
and he is going to give it his best shot.

236
00:12:21,554 --> 00:12:23,385
All right, buddy. There you go.

237
00:12:23,556 --> 00:12:26,218
That's it. Big swing, and...

238
00:12:26,392 --> 00:12:28,417
Oh, yeah.

239
00:12:29,395 --> 00:12:31,886
All right, Smartacus. Yeah.

240
00:12:32,899 --> 00:12:33,888
All right, boys and girls,

241
00:12:34,067 --> 00:12:36,865
What? What, were you
expecting something else?

242
00:12:37,336 --> 00:12:41,773
Yeah? See, just like the piñata
had to be broken to make candy,

243
00:12:42,008 --> 00:12:45,774
Jesus had to die on the cross
to make forgiveness for our sins.

244
00:12:45,945 --> 00:12:47,606
So, Tito, would you like to be forgiven?

245
00:12:47,780 --> 00:12:48,872
"Sí.."

246
00:12:49,048 --> 00:12:50,845
"Sí, sí, sí, señor Kenny.

247
00:12:51,017 --> 00:12:54,851
I want Jesus to be my amigo
for my birthday."

248
00:12:55,021 --> 00:12:57,717
" Yo te quiero infinito. "

249
00:12:57,924 --> 00:13:00,552
" Yo te quiero infinito. "

250
00:13:00,726 --> 00:13:01,590
" Yo te quiero. "

251
00:13:01,761 --> 00:13:04,093
" Yo te quiero infinito. "

252
00:13:06,099 --> 00:13:07,191
Right?

253
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:09,094
Well, come on, boys and girls.

254
00:13:09,268 --> 00:13:10,200
This is better than candy.

255
00:13:10,369 --> 00:13:13,736
Grab the blood and body of Jesus,
and give it to all of Tito's friends.

256
00:13:13,940 --> 00:13:17,967
"Muchas gracias. Muchas gracias.
Go on. Go on. Do it."

257
00:13:18,144 --> 00:13:20,237
Like any good Southern Baptist,

258
00:13:20,413 --> 00:13:22,244
I've been trained
to assess awkward situations

259
00:13:22,415 --> 00:13:24,440
with the question,
"What would Jesus do?"

260
00:13:24,617 --> 00:13:25,743
Make sure and bring some to the choir.

261
00:13:25,918 --> 00:13:26,748
"Los cantantes.."

262
00:13:26,919 --> 00:13:28,045
But what would Jesus do

263
00:13:28,221 --> 00:13:30,246
if his mom was sleeping
with the youth pastor?

264
00:13:31,457 --> 00:13:32,321
Maybe he'd feel like a sucker,

265
00:13:33,793 --> 00:13:35,988
or maybe he'd just be pissed.

266
00:13:54,814 --> 00:13:55,906
What the heck?!

267
00:14:01,154 --> 00:14:03,315
- Don, Don, stop it.
- Son of a bitch.

268
00:14:03,489 --> 00:14:04,854
I don't know what's
gotten into your head,

269
00:14:05,024 --> 00:14:05,922
but it's not what you're thinking.

270
00:14:06,592 --> 00:14:07,957
I'm not thinking.

271
00:14:09,529 --> 00:14:10,962
That's why I'm leaving.

272
00:14:12,765 --> 00:14:15,666
"A brain like that
working for a church?

273
00:14:16,102 --> 00:14:18,195
"You only believe that stuff
'cause you're afraid

274
00:14:18,371 --> 00:14:19,963
to hang out with people who don't."

275
00:14:23,509 --> 00:14:25,875
Maybe for once in his life,
the old man was right.

276
00:14:27,613 --> 00:14:29,046
There's one way to find out.

277
00:14:57,009 --> 00:14:58,374
Message in your mailbox.

278
00:14:58,544 --> 00:15:00,205
Donny, I called your father,

279
00:15:00,379 --> 00:15:02,313
and he told me about
this Reed College.

280
00:15:02,481 --> 00:15:04,813
I'd like to talk about this
before we make a decision.

281
00:15:04,984 --> 00:15:07,179
Please call me back this time.

282
00:15:07,353 --> 00:15:08,820
Messages deleted.

283
00:15:28,874 --> 00:15:29,704
Man.

284
00:17:42,575 --> 00:17:43,564
Yeah, I saw it,

285
00:17:43,743 --> 00:17:45,301
but it's not like there was a nip slip
in there or anything.

286
00:17:45,478 --> 00:17:47,810
I mean, personally, I was like,
"Pfft, whatever."

287
00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:50,210
That was the nineties.
That was edgy back then.

288
00:17:50,383 --> 00:17:52,681
Come on. You got to
contextualize it historically.

289
00:17:52,885 --> 00:17:55,410
So she's breast-feeding a pig?
Big deal.

290
00:17:55,588 --> 00:17:57,556
That stuff was probably way common
during the Dust Bowl.

291
00:17:57,723 --> 00:18:01,090
It's a critique on the chauvinism
of the human species.

292
00:18:01,260 --> 00:18:02,249
How long you gonna be in there?

293
00:18:02,428 --> 00:18:03,656
What, are you taking a dump
or something?

294
00:18:03,829 --> 00:18:04,693
Till I'm done.

295
00:18:04,864 --> 00:18:06,695
Why don't you practice
that party trick of yours?

296
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,233
You know, if queer theory
teaches us anything,

297
00:18:10,403 --> 00:18:13,201
it's that sexual identity
is a social construct.

298
00:18:13,372 --> 00:18:16,535
I mean, it doesn't matter
if she is or isn't.

299
00:18:16,709 --> 00:18:18,006
Her image in general

300
00:18:18,177 --> 00:18:20,771
and that image in particular
is transgressive.

301
00:18:20,946 --> 00:18:23,506
It's... It's deviant, it's out,

302
00:18:23,682 --> 00:18:25,707
and that's why our community
loves her.

303
00:18:25,885 --> 00:18:27,250
She's co-opting a fan base.

304
00:18:28,521 --> 00:18:30,716
You're acting like Tori Amos
is some kind of dyke messiah.

305
00:18:30,890 --> 00:18:33,017
Chill, Lauryn, okay?
I'm just saying.

306
00:18:33,726 --> 00:18:36,286
After all these years,
she's still kind of hot.

307
00:18:36,796 --> 00:18:38,525
What is she, like a B cup?

308
00:18:54,447 --> 00:18:57,541
Love is fleeting!
Herpes is forever!

309
00:18:57,716 --> 00:18:59,980
Put a jimmy on your stiffy!
Come on, now!

310
00:19:00,586 --> 00:19:02,076
You know you need one
for the chub.

311
00:19:02,388 --> 00:19:05,152
One size does not fit all!

312
00:19:05,324 --> 00:19:08,054
Love is fleeting, but herpes is forever!
Come and get 'em!

313
00:19:09,261 --> 00:19:10,819
Greetings, virgin.
How many do you need?

314
00:19:10,996 --> 00:19:12,088
- Huh?
- Rainbow ticklers

315
00:19:12,264 --> 00:19:14,994
are the special of the day.
Here. No charge.

316
00:19:16,402 --> 00:19:19,303
Rub-a-dub-dub,
put a rub on your chub.

317
00:19:19,638 --> 00:19:20,468
Right here!

318
00:19:20,639 --> 00:19:21,765
Chub away, rubber man.

319
00:19:22,775 --> 00:19:24,436
Got your hands full?

320
00:19:24,610 --> 00:19:28,307
Oh, why don't I just slide this
into your pocket?

321
00:19:28,481 --> 00:19:30,676
...right here. Absolutely free.

322
00:19:33,152 --> 00:19:34,642
One way or the other!

323
00:19:34,820 --> 00:19:35,946
Hey!

324
00:19:36,121 --> 00:19:38,612
Jimmy on your stiffy, ladies.
Take it.

325
00:19:38,791 --> 00:19:40,156
Want to try 'em out?

326
00:19:40,326 --> 00:19:42,920
Uh, I'm not 100%
on what I've got here.

327
00:19:43,095 --> 00:19:44,255
I meant the water.

328
00:19:45,631 --> 00:19:47,997
Uh, sure. Sure. What do I do?

329
00:19:48,167 --> 00:19:51,136
Take a sip.
Swirl it around in your mouth a bit.

330
00:19:53,372 --> 00:19:54,805
Okay, now try this one.

331
00:19:54,974 --> 00:19:56,202
What about this?

332
00:19:56,375 --> 00:19:57,364
Swallow.

333
00:19:59,545 --> 00:20:01,137
Well?

334
00:20:01,313 --> 00:20:02,644
I can't taste the difference.

335
00:20:02,815 --> 00:20:05,477
This one is Portland municipal tap water.

336
00:20:05,651 --> 00:20:07,175
This one is Aqualike bottled water.

337
00:20:07,353 --> 00:20:09,878
The Portland water is local
and comes with your tuition.

338
00:20:10,055 --> 00:20:12,853
The Aqualike water
costs $1.50 for a 12-ounce bottle,

339
00:20:13,025 --> 00:20:14,720
and they say it comes
from the Himalayas,

340
00:20:14,894 --> 00:20:16,156
but it actually comes from Kashmir,

341
00:20:16,328 --> 00:20:18,319
which is one of the poorest
regions in India,

342
00:20:18,497 --> 00:20:20,192
so that would be good
for their economy, right?

343
00:20:20,399 --> 00:20:21,661
Wrong.

344
00:20:22,468 --> 00:20:25,460
Aqualike Corporation practices
are actually depleting the water table

345
00:20:25,638 --> 00:20:28,539
so that the local Kashmirian farmers
don't have enough to irrigate their crops.

346
00:20:28,707 --> 00:20:32,234
Well, so then I shouldn't be
ingesting this?

347
00:20:32,411 --> 00:20:33,742
No.

348
00:20:36,515 --> 00:20:37,539
Here comes trouble.

349
00:20:41,654 --> 00:20:43,417
Oh, yeah.

350
00:20:44,523 --> 00:20:45,717
Yeah.

351
00:20:48,594 --> 00:20:50,721
They do this all the time?

352
00:20:52,197 --> 00:20:53,186
Hey.

353
00:20:53,866 --> 00:20:54,992
Heh. Hey.

354
00:20:56,201 --> 00:20:57,225
Hey.

355
00:20:59,104 --> 00:21:01,163
Okay.

356
00:21:13,285 --> 00:21:14,274
Wait up.

357
00:21:43,315 --> 00:21:46,375
Uh, anybody sitting there?

358
00:21:53,592 --> 00:21:54,559
Hey.

359
00:21:57,296 --> 00:21:58,126
I'm Don.

360
00:21:58,897 --> 00:22:01,263
We, uh, sort of met
in the men's roo...

361
00:22:01,900 --> 00:22:02,889
restroom.

362
00:22:04,903 --> 00:22:05,892
So where are you from?

363
00:22:06,071 --> 00:22:07,402
You know how to tell
if a girl's a lesbian?

364
00:22:09,608 --> 00:22:11,633
'Cause she's attracted
to other women?

365
00:22:12,511 --> 00:22:14,741
Is that how it works in Mayberry?

366
00:22:16,148 --> 00:22:17,581
Cutoffs at two o'clock.

367
00:22:17,750 --> 00:22:20,583
Last year, she was homecoming queen
back in Nebraska,

368
00:22:20,753 --> 00:22:24,484
two tiny biscuits floating
under a cheerleader skirt.

369
00:22:26,091 --> 00:22:27,683
What do you think her ass says now?

370
00:22:29,461 --> 00:22:30,587
Uh...

371
00:22:30,763 --> 00:22:33,027
It says, "I don't care what you think."

372
00:22:35,501 --> 00:22:37,093
Which is why it's beautiful.

373
00:22:49,348 --> 00:22:50,781
I'm Kent Bowers,

374
00:22:50,949 --> 00:22:52,974
and I am your
Dean of Student Affairs.

375
00:22:55,220 --> 00:22:56,619
Close your laptops.

376
00:22:56,789 --> 00:22:59,815
Pocket your cellphones.
Listen carefully.

377
00:22:59,992 --> 00:23:03,052
According to the words
and logic of Neil Postman,

378
00:23:03,228 --> 00:23:06,322
"There is no escaping
from ourselves.

379
00:23:06,498 --> 00:23:09,695
"The human dilemma is
as it has always been,

380
00:23:09,868 --> 00:23:11,165
"and we solve nothing

381
00:23:11,336 --> 00:23:14,737
by cloaking ourselves
in technological glory."

382
00:23:14,907 --> 00:23:16,135
At Reed College,

383
00:23:16,308 --> 00:23:19,141
there is no reward
for staring at a screen,

384
00:23:19,311 --> 00:23:21,506
no extra credit for looking busy.

385
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,511
Forget everything
you think you know,

386
00:23:23,682 --> 00:23:27,174
because you do not know anything.

387
00:23:27,352 --> 00:23:28,683
There's nowhere to run.

388
00:23:29,321 --> 00:23:30,811
There's nowhere to hide.

389
00:23:30,989 --> 00:23:33,753
There is no escaping ourselves.

390
00:23:33,926 --> 00:23:37,418
The human dilemma
must be experienced.

391
00:23:41,033 --> 00:23:43,900
So, uh, that lecture
was pretty brilliant.

392
00:23:44,870 --> 00:23:47,168
How was it brilliant?

393
00:23:47,406 --> 00:23:51,934
Um, the whole part about how life
needs to be experienced.

394
00:23:52,111 --> 00:23:54,671
And technology influences
the way we think,

395
00:23:54,847 --> 00:23:56,178
and we live
in a dumbed-down culture,

396
00:23:56,348 --> 00:23:58,248
and, oh, the sky is blue.
Yeah, it's genius.

397
00:23:58,417 --> 00:24:00,044
Sounds like a high school term paper.

398
00:24:01,186 --> 00:24:02,084
What do you like?

399
00:24:03,856 --> 00:24:05,050
Choose wisely.

400
00:24:05,224 --> 00:24:06,054
A bagel, I guess.

401
00:24:06,225 --> 00:24:07,522
- This?
- Yeah.

402
00:24:12,931 --> 00:24:15,195
Someone ate this?

403
00:24:20,305 --> 00:24:23,468
Dude, check out Quinn.
I think it's growing.

404
00:24:23,642 --> 00:24:26,304
Heh. Bet you'd like
to pop her tart.

405
00:24:39,324 --> 00:24:40,484
Can you find me?

406
00:24:42,494 --> 00:24:44,086
That's you?

407
00:24:44,429 --> 00:24:45,623
You look so...

408
00:24:48,333 --> 00:24:50,995
Before I found freedom.

409
00:24:52,571 --> 00:24:54,835
Eat, girl. Eat.

410
00:24:56,441 --> 00:24:58,466
You want to tell me
where you're from now?

411
00:24:58,644 --> 00:25:00,077
Escaped from Kansas.

412
00:25:00,245 --> 00:25:03,112
Dad sells windows.
Mom bakes pies.

413
00:25:03,749 --> 00:25:04,738
She's fat.
He looks at other women.

414
00:25:04,917 --> 00:25:05,747
Where are you from?

415
00:25:05,918 --> 00:25:06,907
Texas.

416
00:25:07,786 --> 00:25:09,253
Can I ask you a question?

417
00:25:09,421 --> 00:25:10,581
'Cause it's been killing me.

418
00:25:10,756 --> 00:25:12,348
Sure.

419
00:25:12,524 --> 00:25:14,355
Are you the secret bastard child
of a televangelist?

420
00:25:14,526 --> 00:25:16,255
No.

421
00:25:16,428 --> 00:25:18,453
- Oh, my God. You are.
- What?

422
00:25:18,630 --> 00:25:20,791
Do all the boys in your choir
have to wear their hair that way?

423
00:25:20,966 --> 00:25:22,194
What's wrong with my hair?

424
00:25:22,367 --> 00:25:23,595
Well, it's not exactly free.

425
00:25:24,603 --> 00:25:25,934
Are you trying to make me a lesbian?

426
00:25:26,104 --> 00:25:27,594
I'm trying not to picture you

427
00:25:27,773 --> 00:25:29,866
burning flags at a gay soldier's funeral.

428
00:25:30,275 --> 00:25:32,038
Not all Christians are like that.

429
00:25:35,113 --> 00:25:36,375
Smile.

430
00:25:37,449 --> 00:25:40,350
You've got, like, spinach
stuck in your teeth.

431
00:25:40,519 --> 00:25:41,952
It's really gross.

432
00:25:42,387 --> 00:25:45,618
Look, your private religious wacko
beliefs are none of my business,

433
00:25:45,791 --> 00:25:47,782
but if you plan on sticking around.

434
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:51,225
Long enough to unpack your secret
underwear or whatever,

435
00:25:51,396 --> 00:25:54,058
you probably want to keep that quiet
around here.

436
00:25:54,399 --> 00:25:55,627
You're kidding, right?

437
00:25:55,968 --> 00:25:58,129
I had a Mormon roommate
my freshman year.

438
00:25:58,303 --> 00:25:59,463
She lasted two days.

439
00:25:59,638 --> 00:26:01,833
I mean, we haven't had
a Christian club

440
00:26:02,007 --> 00:26:03,133
since the Nixon administration.

441
00:26:03,308 --> 00:26:05,299
Dude, this is Reed College.
Hello.

442
00:26:05,477 --> 00:26:06,739
I was looking at
this student handbook.

443
00:26:06,912 --> 00:26:08,903
You've got so many
crazy religious groups.

444
00:26:09,081 --> 00:26:12,676
"S&M Wiccans. Jews for Jihad."

445
00:26:13,018 --> 00:26:14,747
What's wrong with being a Christian?

446
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,753
Do you have any idea what your hateful,
bullying tribe has been up to?

447
00:26:17,990 --> 00:26:21,721
'Cause around here, you represent
a whole new category of despicable.

448
00:26:21,894 --> 00:26:25,660
So if you plan on ever making friends
or sharing a bowl

449
00:26:25,831 --> 00:26:28,493
or seeing a human vagina
without a credit card,

450
00:26:28,734 --> 00:26:32,033
get in the closet, Baptist boy,
and stay there.

451
00:27:13,879 --> 00:27:18,612
Setting, conflict, climax, resolution.

452
00:27:19,818 --> 00:27:24,084
If the setting in SCCR changes,
does the conflict go away?

453
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,256
'Cause, I mean, it's only been a week,
and I feel like I'm someone else.

454
00:27:32,664 --> 00:27:33,631
Hey, Jordan.

455
00:27:33,799 --> 00:27:34,823
You sounding chipper.

456
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,298
I'm not disturbing you and your gay lover
roommate, am I?

457
00:27:37,469 --> 00:27:38,458
No, there's no roommates here.

458
00:27:38,637 --> 00:27:40,161
They're just single rooms.

459
00:27:40,339 --> 00:27:41,966
You got to pimp out your pad, dude,
catch some ladies.

460
00:27:42,908 --> 00:27:43,806
You getting any action?

461
00:27:43,976 --> 00:27:47,002
Uh, there's this one girl,
but I didn't get her number.

462
00:27:47,179 --> 00:27:48,168
Or her name.

463
00:27:48,347 --> 00:27:50,815
Spent some time
with a hot lesbian.

464
00:27:50,983 --> 00:27:52,473
Yeah, you're full of shit.

465
00:27:52,651 --> 00:27:54,243
Hold on, bro.

466
00:27:54,419 --> 00:27:55,943
Sorry, dude. It's my mom.

467
00:27:56,121 --> 00:27:58,351
- Are you talking to her?
- Yeah. Yeah, we're talking.

468
00:27:58,523 --> 00:27:59,512
- Sort of.
- Huh.

469
00:27:59,691 --> 00:28:02,023
- All right, call you later.
- Yeah.

470
00:28:06,298 --> 00:28:07,162
Hi, Mom.

471
00:28:07,332 --> 00:28:09,425
Hey. You get the cookies?

472
00:28:09,601 --> 00:28:12,126
Yeah, they came in the mail Friday.

473
00:28:12,304 --> 00:28:14,363
Sorry they were store-bought.

474
00:28:14,539 --> 00:28:16,871
Ah, store-bought or not,
they're still cookies.

475
00:28:17,042 --> 00:28:19,010
Sure is lonely here without you.

476
00:28:19,177 --> 00:28:20,667
Sorry that you're lonely.

477
00:28:20,846 --> 00:28:24,304
- You could always unenroll.
- No. I can't unenroll.

478
00:28:24,549 --> 00:28:27,040
- Why not?
- Because I like it here,

479
00:28:27,219 --> 00:28:29,847
and another 30-minute bitch session
is not gonna change that.

480
00:28:30,022 --> 00:28:32,957
- Uh, did you just call me...
- No, I'm not calling you that.

481
00:28:33,125 --> 00:28:34,558
I'm using it as an adjective.

482
00:28:34,893 --> 00:28:36,861
So is that what they're teaching
you at that school?

483
00:28:37,029 --> 00:28:39,395
Yes, Mom, that's what they're
teaching me at this school.

484
00:28:39,731 --> 00:28:41,198
You going to church anywhere?

485
00:28:41,366 --> 00:28:43,300
No, I haven't found a church yet.

486
00:28:43,468 --> 00:28:46,232
I'm looking for one with a really
dynamic puppet ministry.

487
00:28:46,405 --> 00:28:49,806
Stop with that. There's nothing
going on with Kenny.

488
00:28:49,975 --> 00:28:52,170
He's just helping me through a rough spell.

489
00:28:52,344 --> 00:28:55,177
I don't care if nothing's going on, Mom.
It's weird.

490
00:28:55,347 --> 00:28:58,510
He's a married man,
and he's not a licensed counselor.

491
00:28:58,917 --> 00:29:00,578
He's a pastor, Donny.

492
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:02,919
- Donny.
- Huh?

493
00:29:03,321 --> 00:29:04,720
- Are you listening?
- Um,

494
00:29:04,890 --> 00:29:07,415
no, there's just a guy
dressed in a pope outfit

495
00:29:07,592 --> 00:29:09,389
pushing a burning shopping cart.

496
00:29:10,595 --> 00:29:12,529
Is that a Catholic school, Donny?

497
00:29:12,764 --> 00:29:14,891
Don't let them brainwash you.

498
00:29:15,067 --> 00:29:19,504
Can somebody tell me the difference
between archetype and stereotype?

499
00:29:19,671 --> 00:29:22,333
A stereotype is an archetype
with no sense of fashion.

500
00:29:23,075 --> 00:29:25,407
Come on. Give me some examples.

501
00:29:25,577 --> 00:29:27,568
Yuri? You want to join us?

502
00:29:29,281 --> 00:29:31,112
You want examples
from mythology?

503
00:29:31,283 --> 00:29:33,410
I'll take any literary example.

504
00:29:33,585 --> 00:29:37,214
Okay, um, archetype is
Emily Dickinson,

505
00:29:37,389 --> 00:29:39,789
and stereotype is Lisa Simpson.

506
00:29:39,958 --> 00:29:41,755
Nice, Penny.

507
00:29:42,761 --> 00:29:44,388
What about you, Don?

508
00:29:44,563 --> 00:29:48,522
Um, archetype is Tolstoy.

509
00:29:49,034 --> 00:29:51,696
Stereotype is, uh, Tolstoy.

510
00:29:53,138 --> 00:29:55,299
What do you know
about Russian literature?

511
00:29:55,474 --> 00:29:57,806
Yuri, everyone's entitled.

512
00:29:57,976 --> 00:30:01,377
Okay. Archetype is...

513
00:30:03,715 --> 00:30:04,545
Texan.

514
00:30:06,251 --> 00:30:07,548
Big car,

515
00:30:07,719 --> 00:30:09,482
tracks shit everywhere,

516
00:30:09,654 --> 00:30:12,452
closet racist, inbred...

517
00:30:12,624 --> 00:30:13,989
Ooh.

518
00:30:14,159 --> 00:30:15,285
Fundamentalist Christian.

519
00:30:17,562 --> 00:30:19,826
Okay, now you're insulting me.

520
00:30:20,999 --> 00:30:22,762
Notice he doesn't deny it.

521
00:30:22,934 --> 00:30:24,265
Oh, chill out, dude.

522
00:30:24,436 --> 00:30:25,960
There's plenty of Texans
who ain't Christian.

523
00:30:26,138 --> 00:30:27,332
Bonnie and Clyde,

524
00:30:28,173 --> 00:30:29,640
ZZ Top,

525
00:30:30,008 --> 00:30:30,940
David Koresh.

526
00:30:38,450 --> 00:30:40,350
I hadn't technically
denied anything.

527
00:30:42,287 --> 00:30:45,518
It just felt good to have people
laughing with me for once.

528
00:30:49,427 --> 00:30:53,761
You wake up here every day
feeling lost in a sea of individuality.

529
00:30:58,870 --> 00:31:01,202
Everyone here
seems so sure of themselves.

530
00:31:02,274 --> 00:31:03,866
Double... Hey, Penny.

531
00:31:04,042 --> 00:31:05,942
They have their own look.

532
00:31:06,111 --> 00:31:07,476
They occupy their own space.

533
00:31:07,646 --> 00:31:09,807
...whereas in a patriarchal society,

534
00:31:09,981 --> 00:31:13,144
our concept of God tends to mimic
the way we see our own fathers.

535
00:31:13,318 --> 00:31:14,307
Thoughts?

536
00:31:16,021 --> 00:31:18,990
Why would a loving God refer to himself
as "Father" anyways,

537
00:31:19,157 --> 00:31:20,954
when so many fathers
abandon their children?

538
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:22,618
Seems like a marketing mistake.

539
00:31:24,196 --> 00:31:27,723
They reward you for asking questions
I'd never even thought of in Texas.

540
00:31:29,234 --> 00:31:30,861
I didn't care what it took.

541
00:31:31,036 --> 00:31:32,333
I just wanted to fit in,

542
00:31:32,504 --> 00:31:35,064
so I did what anyone else
in my position would do.

543
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:36,502
I got drunk.

544
00:31:40,178 --> 00:31:42,169
- I had a lesbian take me shopping.
- Go.

545
00:31:42,881 --> 00:31:43,973
No.

546
00:31:45,417 --> 00:31:46,247
No.

547
00:31:46,418 --> 00:31:48,147
You're so soft.

548
00:31:50,722 --> 00:31:52,747
And I searched for the perfect
campus organization

549
00:31:52,924 --> 00:31:55,552
that would make me feel
like a bona fide Reedie.

550
00:31:57,596 --> 00:32:01,362
I, uh, got a notice
that Flag Football's been canceled.

551
00:32:01,533 --> 00:32:03,330
Lack of interest.

552
00:32:04,102 --> 00:32:05,262
In football?

553
00:32:05,437 --> 00:32:06,927
What's wrong? You lonely?

554
00:32:07,105 --> 00:32:08,834
Need a hobby?

555
00:32:09,841 --> 00:32:11,900
The human dilemma
must be experienced.

556
00:32:13,712 --> 00:32:14,838
Preferably for credit.

557
00:32:15,780 --> 00:32:17,543
Fire Juggling, full.

558
00:32:18,116 --> 00:32:19,583
Human Chess Club, full.

559
00:32:20,785 --> 00:32:23,549
Lamaze for Non-mothers, full.

560
00:32:24,789 --> 00:32:27,223
Malaysian Cocktail Tennis
has openings.

561
00:32:29,027 --> 00:32:31,120
Ball.

562
00:32:35,967 --> 00:32:37,628
My tennis partner is in rehab.

563
00:32:37,802 --> 00:32:38,928
Reflex Yoga, full.

564
00:32:39,104 --> 00:32:43,097
Sand Yoga, Hot Yoga, Partners Yoga, full.

565
00:32:43,642 --> 00:32:47,601
Vietnam War Reenactment needs a GI.

566
00:33:00,458 --> 00:33:02,551
Have you tried Civil Disobedience?

567
00:33:03,728 --> 00:33:04,820
For credit?

568
00:33:06,331 --> 00:33:07,320
Yeah.

569
00:33:09,234 --> 00:33:11,395
Okay, we go in two by two,

570
00:33:11,569 --> 00:33:13,298
one-minute intervals,
occupy all the aisles,

571
00:33:13,471 --> 00:33:15,837
especially the ones
near the cash register.

572
00:33:17,075 --> 00:33:18,940
And remember,
if anything goes wrong,

573
00:33:19,110 --> 00:33:21,271
Remulac-7 is going
to sound the alarm.

574
00:33:23,348 --> 00:33:26,181
And we will reconvene
at the cemetery across the road.

575
00:33:26,518 --> 00:33:27,348
- Okay?
- Okay.

576
00:33:27,519 --> 00:33:28,850
Okay. Let's do this.

577
00:33:38,363 --> 00:33:40,524
Hey, can I interest you in our
frequent buyers program?

578
00:33:40,699 --> 00:33:43,862
I'm just a robot. The franchise
tells me what to read.

579
00:33:44,135 --> 00:33:46,365
Please direct me to your restroom.

580
00:33:47,305 --> 00:33:48,499
Just back there.

581
00:33:52,210 --> 00:33:55,441
Corporations control you
through printed lies.

582
00:33:55,613 --> 00:33:57,513
Leave this store. Run now.

583
00:34:09,961 --> 00:34:12,293
"...little smidgens of fading heaven.

584
00:34:12,464 --> 00:34:16,025
Little cosmic mysteries plucked
from the starry, starry night."

585
00:34:16,201 --> 00:34:17,896
Attention, Books, Ink shoppers,

586
00:34:18,069 --> 00:34:20,902
Uh, you may have noticed some
alien life-forms roaming the aisles.

587
00:34:21,406 --> 00:34:22,236
Take me to your reader.

588
00:34:22,407 --> 00:34:24,500
I assume they, uh, mean us no harm.

589
00:34:27,212 --> 00:34:29,373
"You are precious
little cosmic mysteries."

590
00:34:29,547 --> 00:34:31,811
Just, uh...
Just kids having their fun.

591
00:34:31,983 --> 00:34:33,712
But if any of them
become a nuisance,

592
00:34:33,885 --> 00:34:36,183
be sure and let me know
at the front counter.

593
00:34:36,354 --> 00:34:38,879
Just, uh, come up, and, uh...

594
00:34:39,057 --> 00:34:40,524
Ignore him, corporate drones.

595
00:34:40,692 --> 00:34:43,559
We are taking over your so-called
knowledge repository.

596
00:34:43,728 --> 00:34:44,854
All right, just...
just give me the book.

597
00:34:45,029 --> 00:34:46,326
Hey, hey! This is a rental.

598
00:34:46,498 --> 00:34:47,931
Security. Mall security.

599
00:34:48,099 --> 00:34:50,329
Can we have security up here
at the front counter, please?

600
00:34:50,502 --> 00:34:52,732
Or across the front aisle.
Now he's in the main aisle.

601
00:34:52,904 --> 00:34:55,099
He's in the main aisle.
He crossed the main aisle.

602
00:34:56,941 --> 00:35:01,344
He's the, uh, only astronaut
in the pet care section.

603
00:35:01,513 --> 00:35:03,344
He's running like there's no gravity.

604
00:35:03,515 --> 00:35:04,948
Can anybody hear me?

605
00:35:10,121 --> 00:35:13,682
Hey, this is a robot invasion,
not an astronaut invasion.

606
00:35:14,025 --> 00:35:15,856
Yeah. When I went to the store,
they were out...

607
00:35:16,027 --> 00:35:18,257
I can't hear you.

608
00:35:18,430 --> 00:35:19,727
Don.

609
00:35:20,899 --> 00:35:22,890
I didn't expect to see you here.

610
00:35:23,067 --> 00:35:23,965
In gardening?

611
00:35:24,135 --> 00:35:25,762
No, at a robot invasion...

612
00:35:25,937 --> 00:35:27,905
in an astronaut costume.

613
00:35:28,807 --> 00:35:29,865
Do I look stupid?

614
00:35:30,809 --> 00:35:32,299
You just look like you don't belong.

615
00:35:36,481 --> 00:35:38,449
Which actually makes you
look kind of cute.

616
00:35:39,984 --> 00:35:41,417
Do you even know why we're here?

617
00:35:41,586 --> 00:35:42,712
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

618
00:35:42,887 --> 00:35:44,718
Uh, you're against something, right?

619
00:35:44,889 --> 00:35:47,050
We're also for a lot of things.

620
00:35:47,225 --> 00:35:49,386
Then what are you
doing in gardening?

621
00:35:49,561 --> 00:35:51,256
Anarchist's Cookbook
is on aisle five.

622
00:35:51,429 --> 00:35:53,795
Are you gonna play nice,
or am I gonna have to shut that visor

623
00:35:53,965 --> 00:35:55,091
and leave you on a planet to die?

624
00:35:55,266 --> 00:35:56,733
Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Ma'am, we're against gardening.

625
00:35:56,901 --> 00:35:57,925
It's consumeristic.

626
00:35:58,102 --> 00:35:59,592
- We're against gardening...
- No, gardening is fine,

627
00:35:59,771 --> 00:36:01,898
but there's a lovely independent
bookstore on Hawthorne.

628
00:36:02,073 --> 00:36:04,473
Don't let major corporations
tell you what to read.

629
00:36:04,642 --> 00:36:06,007
Or how to grow tomatoes.

630
00:36:06,978 --> 00:36:07,842
What?

631
00:36:10,748 --> 00:36:12,181
Oh, welcome to work, gentlemen.

632
00:36:12,350 --> 00:36:13,510
Did you enjoy your nap?

633
00:36:15,186 --> 00:36:17,984
Yeah, get rid of 'em.
Get 'em out of here.

634
00:36:18,156 --> 00:36:19,350
Look the door behind 'em.

635
00:36:20,358 --> 00:36:23,623
Yeah... Son of a...
Hey, come back!

636
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:32,367
There. You want some?
I think you need some.

637
00:36:34,305 --> 00:36:37,468
I mean, what is the point
of all this stuff?

638
00:36:37,642 --> 00:36:40,475
Does anyone alive
even remember this guy?

639
00:36:40,645 --> 00:36:42,613
Oh, thanks.

640
00:36:43,982 --> 00:36:45,882
Why do you wear the same
clothes every day?

641
00:36:46,050 --> 00:36:46,948
I don't.

642
00:36:47,118 --> 00:36:48,449
It's a protest thing.

643
00:36:48,620 --> 00:36:49,951
Shut up.

644
00:36:50,121 --> 00:36:51,452
She's not buying clothes
for a year.

645
00:36:51,623 --> 00:36:53,648
What did clothes ever do to you?

646
00:36:53,825 --> 00:36:55,224
You wouldn't understand, Don.

647
00:36:55,393 --> 00:36:57,827
I want to do something
against something.

648
00:36:57,996 --> 00:36:59,725
Yeah, have fun with that.

649
00:36:59,898 --> 00:37:01,229
I will.

650
00:37:01,399 --> 00:37:04,027
Oh, hey, Quinn, wait up.

651
00:37:04,202 --> 00:37:05,965
Oh, dude, hey,
give me the bottle.

652
00:37:06,137 --> 00:37:07,195
Ah, there's none left.

653
00:37:07,872 --> 00:37:08,861
Come on. It's half full.

654
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:10,473
Half empty. That's the way I...

655
00:37:11,009 --> 00:37:12,169
- What's that?!
- What the fu...

656
00:37:14,546 --> 00:37:15,740
Not funny. Whoo. Sorry.

657
00:37:15,914 --> 00:37:17,404
Ahh! Get away from me.

658
00:37:17,582 --> 00:37:19,516
Why do you want
to do something, Don?

659
00:37:19,684 --> 00:37:22,710
Uh, I don't know.
'Cause chicks dig it, right?

660
00:37:25,323 --> 00:37:28,815
- You know any dead people?
- Not personally.

661
00:37:28,993 --> 00:37:33,020
- Parents alive and well?
- Alive, not well.

662
00:37:33,197 --> 00:37:35,427
- Divorced?
- Aren't they all?

663
00:37:37,535 --> 00:37:38,763
Tell me about it.

664
00:37:41,773 --> 00:37:42,762
Come on.

665
00:37:50,682 --> 00:37:52,047
Mom got sick.

666
00:37:52,216 --> 00:37:53,274
She hears things,

667
00:37:53,451 --> 00:37:57,182
sees people that aren't there.

668
00:37:57,355 --> 00:37:59,448
You really want to hear all this?

669
00:38:01,626 --> 00:38:03,218
It started when I was seven.

670
00:38:03,394 --> 00:38:07,023
She thought the CIA was after her
for having an affair with JFK.

671
00:38:07,198 --> 00:38:08,688
That one might be true.

672
00:38:08,866 --> 00:38:09,855
Do the math.

673
00:38:11,269 --> 00:38:13,533
You want to know my favorite
memory of my mom?

674
00:38:13,705 --> 00:38:15,434
Don't laugh, okay?

675
00:38:18,042 --> 00:38:19,771
We would spend, like...

676
00:38:19,944 --> 00:38:22,105
half an hour
going through our hair,

677
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:23,872
checking for microphones.

678
00:38:25,049 --> 00:38:26,880
She got diagnosed that year,

679
00:38:27,051 --> 00:38:31,317
but I still wanted to believe I had
microphones in my hair,

680
00:38:31,489 --> 00:38:33,923
because if I did,

681
00:38:34,092 --> 00:38:36,754
it would mean
I could keep my mom.

682
00:38:40,965 --> 00:38:42,557
I'm sorry, Penny.

683
00:38:43,601 --> 00:38:46,126
No, I mean it.
I'm really sorry.

684
00:38:53,811 --> 00:38:56,075
She says she didn't know
what was in the bottle,

685
00:38:56,247 --> 00:38:57,612
but I swear I tasted Red Bull.

686
00:38:57,782 --> 00:39:00,012
Or whatever I drank has me
feeling pretty good.

687
00:39:00,184 --> 00:39:01,116
Thanks for walking me home.

688
00:39:01,285 --> 00:39:02,616
Oh, yeah, sure. Anytime.

689
00:39:02,787 --> 00:39:05,017
Maybe I'll just power through
till morning.

690
00:39:05,189 --> 00:39:07,282
It's okay.
I got this from here.

691
00:39:07,458 --> 00:39:09,323
Okay. Nice dorms.

692
00:39:10,695 --> 00:39:11,923
Sorry.

693
00:39:12,096 --> 00:39:13,927
It's time for bed, Don.

694
00:39:15,967 --> 00:39:17,491
Hey, uh, there's a...

695
00:39:17,669 --> 00:39:20,160
There's a... Testing, one, two.

696
00:39:20,338 --> 00:39:21,498
Okay, good night, Don.

697
00:39:21,673 --> 00:39:23,038
I was just checking
for microphones.

698
00:39:23,207 --> 00:39:25,004
Hey, I can help you
with your box.

699
00:39:25,176 --> 00:39:26,165
I'll be fine. Thank you.

700
00:39:26,344 --> 00:39:27,174
Relax. I'll recycle it.

701
00:39:27,345 --> 00:39:29,040
I said I've got it, Don.

702
00:39:38,856 --> 00:39:41,620
Hey, uh, Penny.

703
00:39:41,793 --> 00:39:43,988
Hey, uh...

704
00:39:45,363 --> 00:39:46,193
Hey, I'm sorry.

705
00:39:46,364 --> 00:39:50,858
I-I'm not... I'm not like that.

706
00:39:51,035 --> 00:39:52,502
It's...

707
00:39:54,639 --> 00:39:57,403
Okay. Um...

708
00:39:57,575 --> 00:39:59,566
I'll see you in class tomorrow.

709
00:40:08,052 --> 00:40:09,713
Different war, same story.

710
00:40:09,887 --> 00:40:11,354
We do the bidding of the gods.

711
00:40:11,522 --> 00:40:13,353
It's always God's fault with you.

712
00:40:13,524 --> 00:40:15,014
I was actually talking
about Republicans,

713
00:40:15,193 --> 00:40:16,592
but I suppose you could
argue they're God's fault.

714
00:40:16,761 --> 00:40:17,989
What are the rest of you thinking?

715
00:40:18,162 --> 00:40:20,323
Is Achilles' army just dying for nothing?

716
00:40:20,498 --> 00:40:22,989
It's not for nothing.
They fight for glory,

717
00:40:23,167 --> 00:40:24,657
for family, for their culture.

718
00:40:24,836 --> 00:40:26,599
Come on. It's a culture war.

719
00:40:26,771 --> 00:40:29,035
Achilles' pride starts it.
The gods bless it,

720
00:40:29,207 --> 00:40:31,903
and mythology stokes up another
round of misery for everyone.

721
00:40:32,076 --> 00:40:34,442
Why do you always dismiss
all religious impulse?

722
00:40:34,612 --> 00:40:36,580
I grew up agnostic, but...

723
00:40:36,748 --> 00:40:40,514
I admire any religion that has
the balls to search for God.

724
00:40:40,685 --> 00:40:43,210
Yeah, because the Crusades,
those were very ballsy.

725
00:40:43,387 --> 00:40:44,786
You know nothing.

726
00:40:44,956 --> 00:40:46,617
My grandfather Topov

727
00:40:46,791 --> 00:40:50,192
was killed for smuggling an icon
out of Russia,

728
00:40:50,361 --> 00:40:53,023
for trying to preserve a way of life.

729
00:40:54,699 --> 00:40:59,534
Don, you're strangely quiet.
What do you think?

730
00:40:59,704 --> 00:41:02,400
I think that if it weren't for religion,

731
00:41:02,573 --> 00:41:06,907
Grandpa Topov might have preserved
his own life.

732
00:41:12,917 --> 00:41:14,475
Hey, by the way,

733
00:41:14,652 --> 00:41:17,246
it wasn't religion that
killed Yuri's grandfather.

734
00:41:17,421 --> 00:41:18,979
It was Stalin.

735
00:41:23,261 --> 00:41:24,990
Don't take it personal, Miller.

736
00:41:26,230 --> 00:41:27,492
Nerd babes.

737
00:41:27,665 --> 00:41:30,259
Many have tried. All have failed.

738
00:41:31,803 --> 00:41:33,668
There's just something
about her that I get.

739
00:41:33,838 --> 00:41:35,965
My dorm mate last year
thought the same exact thing.

740
00:41:36,140 --> 00:41:38,005
Rhodes scholar, Tall Biker,

741
00:41:38,176 --> 00:41:39,302
looked like Jeff Buckley,

742
00:41:39,477 --> 00:41:43,470
and if he couldn't bag that,
well, good luck.

743
00:41:43,915 --> 00:41:45,780
Tall Biker?

744
00:41:45,950 --> 00:41:47,941
My friend, the Reed College
Tall Bike Club

745
00:41:48,119 --> 00:41:51,350
is the apex of our prestige pyramid.

746
00:41:51,522 --> 00:41:54,787
It's like being captain
of the tennis team.

747
00:42:17,381 --> 00:42:18,848
Mommy, look.

748
00:42:34,732 --> 00:42:36,666
Hey, um, how much are these?

749
00:42:36,834 --> 00:42:38,461
- 15.
- Mom!

750
00:42:53,351 --> 00:42:54,181
Hey!

751
00:42:57,154 --> 00:42:59,054
Hey, stop that bear!

752
00:43:02,159 --> 00:43:03,387
Hey!

753
00:43:10,001 --> 00:43:11,195
Hey!

754
00:43:12,003 --> 00:43:13,698
What are you doing? Hey!

755
00:43:24,615 --> 00:43:25,673
Come on, man!

756
00:43:30,888 --> 00:43:32,515
Ohh!

757
00:43:34,959 --> 00:43:36,358
What did I do?

758
00:44:25,943 --> 00:44:30,141
This is literally the best water
you have ever had in your life.

759
00:44:30,314 --> 00:44:33,750
This bottle is not recycled,
but that is a good thing,

760
00:44:33,918 --> 00:44:36,819
because recycled bottles
equal dirty plastic.

761
00:44:36,988 --> 00:44:40,253
This is amazing.
It is bottled straight at the source.

762
00:44:40,424 --> 00:44:41,914
It's pretty much all I drink.

763
00:44:42,093 --> 00:44:43,754
- Everybody have one.
- Thank you.

764
00:44:43,928 --> 00:44:45,623
They're free. Merry Christmas.

765
00:44:46,831 --> 00:44:49,356
The place in the Himalayas
where they got it

766
00:44:49,533 --> 00:44:53,594
has actually been hidden
for the last 300 years.

767
00:44:54,138 --> 00:44:55,002
Hey.

768
00:44:56,273 --> 00:44:57,297
Can we talk?

769
00:45:04,682 --> 00:45:06,980
Looks easier from the ground.

770
00:45:07,151 --> 00:45:09,381
Yeah, we don't give spiders
enough credit.

771
00:45:09,553 --> 00:45:10,383
Sorry.

772
00:45:10,554 --> 00:45:11,816
Are you okay?

773
00:45:11,989 --> 00:45:13,684
Bear stole my bike
at the flea market.

774
00:45:13,858 --> 00:45:16,122
Aw, that's awful.
I didn't know they rode bikes.

775
00:45:16,293 --> 00:45:17,385
They do at the flea market.

776
00:45:18,629 --> 00:45:20,790
Bought you an early
Christmas present.

777
00:45:23,901 --> 00:45:25,960
It's okay.
It's just a little something.

778
00:45:26,137 --> 00:45:27,866
You celebrate Christmas?

779
00:45:28,039 --> 00:45:29,836
I'm sentimental that way.

780
00:45:30,741 --> 00:45:34,177
Your hands were cold
that night at the graveyard.

781
00:45:34,345 --> 00:45:36,677
And I know you're not
buying clothes this year.

782
00:45:36,847 --> 00:45:39,475
This was really thoughtful.
Thanks, Don.

783
00:45:41,385 --> 00:45:42,409
Merry Christmas.

784
00:45:42,586 --> 00:45:45,555
There we go. Swallow.

785
00:45:45,723 --> 00:45:46,690
It's so good.

786
00:45:46,857 --> 00:45:48,757
- I know, right?
- Yeah.

787
00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:50,593
What are you doing
this weekend?

788
00:45:50,928 --> 00:45:52,896
Studying. You?

789
00:46:01,205 --> 00:46:02,229
I have to...

790
00:46:05,009 --> 00:46:08,035
Don, feet on the wall,
and lean back.

791
00:46:08,212 --> 00:46:09,679
I thought you said you were certified.

792
00:46:09,847 --> 00:46:12,611
I am, on the climbing wall
at Fun-world.

793
00:46:12,783 --> 00:46:14,842
I got the card in my wallet.

794
00:46:15,019 --> 00:46:17,954
I... I think that my spray adhesive
is coming off.

795
00:46:18,122 --> 00:46:20,181
Tori to Amos. Tori to Amos.

796
00:46:20,357 --> 00:46:22,291
- I was kidding. I'm okay.
- Come in, Tori.

797
00:46:23,227 --> 00:46:24,558
Do you hear sirens?

798
00:46:24,728 --> 00:46:26,127
Affirmative.
What's going on down there?

799
00:46:26,297 --> 00:46:28,629
May want to pick up the pace.

800
00:46:33,704 --> 00:46:35,365
Donald Miller.

801
00:46:49,954 --> 00:46:52,718
I may agree with the sentiment
of your protest.

802
00:46:52,890 --> 00:46:55,484
I may even agree in principle
with your activism,

803
00:46:55,659 --> 00:46:59,425
but the school cannot condone
the destruction of private property,

804
00:46:59,597 --> 00:47:01,462
no matter how just the cause.

805
00:47:10,307 --> 00:47:12,400
Hey, guys, take a look.

806
00:47:12,576 --> 00:47:14,567
Quinn, check this out.

807
00:47:18,015 --> 00:47:20,609
I suppose you all could use some lunch.

808
00:47:31,629 --> 00:47:34,530
I got a call from Aqualike’s
publicist this morning.

809
00:47:34,698 --> 00:47:37,861
They decided that some sales
just aren't worth it.

810
00:47:38,035 --> 00:47:39,525
Speech! Speech!

811
00:47:39,703 --> 00:47:41,102
Speech! Speech! Speech!

812
00:47:41,272 --> 00:47:44,332
Speech! Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech!

813
00:47:45,843 --> 00:47:47,003
Come on. Go.

814
00:47:49,847 --> 00:47:52,441
Well, last night was
my first time in the big house.

815
00:47:54,485 --> 00:47:56,976
And I'm not gonna make
the standard joke

816
00:47:57,154 --> 00:48:00,555
about who made me
their, you know, girlfriend.

817
00:48:03,527 --> 00:48:06,325
Where I come from, we do crazy things
for the hell of it,

818
00:48:06,497 --> 00:48:08,556
but last night was the first time

819
00:48:08,732 --> 00:48:11,394
I felt like what I was doing
meant something.

820
00:48:11,569 --> 00:48:13,867
So thanks for bailing us out.

821
00:48:16,407 --> 00:48:21,310
But I'd especially like
to thank our ringleader, Penny.

822
00:48:25,316 --> 00:48:26,408
Thanks.

823
00:48:47,571 --> 00:48:49,198
Hey.

824
00:48:49,373 --> 00:48:50,533
There you are.

825
00:48:54,378 --> 00:48:56,107
I was looking for you.

826
00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:57,372
Hey.

827
00:48:58,949 --> 00:49:01,611
You missed the part
where I thanked you.

828
00:49:03,120 --> 00:49:05,452
You mean I missed your speech?

829
00:49:07,258 --> 00:49:09,852
Hey, Penny,

830
00:49:10,027 --> 00:49:12,052
what's with you?

831
00:49:12,229 --> 00:49:13,457
We got arrested.

832
00:49:14,965 --> 00:49:16,933
Okay, so maybe I like the attention.

833
00:49:17,101 --> 00:49:19,592
Maybe you just like feeling better
than everybody else.

834
00:49:19,770 --> 00:49:20,759
Nice umbrella!

835
00:49:22,439 --> 00:49:23,804
What was that all about?

836
00:49:23,974 --> 00:49:26,101
People in Portland don't use umbrellas.

837
00:49:26,277 --> 00:49:27,266
That's dumb.

838
00:49:28,779 --> 00:49:30,246
Penny.

839
00:49:30,414 --> 00:49:31,745
Hey.

840
00:49:31,915 --> 00:49:33,382
Are you mad?

841
00:49:36,153 --> 00:49:40,419
Do you really think I do all of this
to feel superior?

842
00:49:40,758 --> 00:49:41,986
No.

843
00:49:42,459 --> 00:49:44,051
I mean, it's just...

844
00:49:44,228 --> 00:49:45,991
you're so good that...

845
00:49:46,830 --> 00:49:50,163
I guess you can't help making other people
feel like shit sometimes.

846
00:49:50,401 --> 00:49:51,663
That's all.

847
00:49:53,070 --> 00:49:56,267
If you're trying to seduce me,
it's not working.

848
00:49:56,573 --> 00:49:58,905
I'll work on it over Christmas break.

849
00:49:59,943 --> 00:50:01,638
So when do you head home?

850
00:50:01,812 --> 00:50:03,677
I think I'm just gonna hang out here

851
00:50:03,847 --> 00:50:06,338
since home feels
about a million miles away.

852
00:50:06,517 --> 00:50:09,179
- You?
- I'm taking a little trip.

853
00:50:09,453 --> 00:50:11,250
Where you going?

854
00:50:11,422 --> 00:50:13,083
India.

855
00:50:13,590 --> 00:50:14,614
The country?

856
00:50:15,492 --> 00:50:17,756
Yeah, my dad asked me
what I wanted for Christmas,

857
00:50:17,928 --> 00:50:20,260
and I've always wanted
to go there, so...

858
00:50:20,431 --> 00:50:22,661
Gonna sabotage
Aqualike’s pipeline?

859
00:50:22,833 --> 00:50:25,927
Actually, I'm gonna be
working in a refugee camp.

860
00:50:28,005 --> 00:50:29,597
I'm sorry if that
makes you feel like shit.

861
00:50:31,175 --> 00:50:33,268
Have a good Christmas, Don.

862
00:50:35,346 --> 00:50:36,938
I'll think about what you said.

863
00:50:38,449 --> 00:50:39,313
Pen.

864
00:50:40,150 --> 00:50:41,811
You want to keep the umbrella?

865
00:50:42,853 --> 00:50:43,979
No.

866
00:50:50,127 --> 00:50:51,958
Message in your mailbox.

867
00:50:52,196 --> 00:50:54,824
Donny, I know it's a long drive,

868
00:50:54,998 --> 00:50:57,626
but we've never been apart
for the holidays.

869
00:50:57,801 --> 00:51:02,135
And I can't bear the thought
of Christmas without you.

870
00:51:02,473 --> 00:51:05,306
Please call me
and tell me you got this.

871
00:51:05,476 --> 00:51:07,535
Message deleted.

872
00:51:21,058 --> 00:51:22,252
90 minutes till Christmas, friend.

873
00:51:25,229 --> 00:51:26,526
Maybe this'll get me in the mood.

874
00:52:03,700 --> 00:52:04,530
Jordan?

875
00:52:04,701 --> 00:52:06,794
Merry Christmas, dude.

876
00:52:10,641 --> 00:52:11,767
You look good.

877
00:52:11,942 --> 00:52:12,966
I got some beer.

878
00:52:13,143 --> 00:52:14,110
Do you?

879
00:52:25,088 --> 00:52:26,555
I read on the Internet

880
00:52:26,723 --> 00:52:28,714
there's something in turkey
interferes with the patch.

881
00:52:28,892 --> 00:52:31,053
- You started smoking?
- No, I stopped chewing.

882
00:52:31,895 --> 00:52:33,988
Remember my little stunt
the last day on the line?

883
00:52:34,164 --> 00:52:35,495
- Yeah.
- Well, couple months later,

884
00:52:35,666 --> 00:52:38,134
they're having this big outdoor
youth rally in Australia...

885
00:52:38,302 --> 00:52:40,270
or Austria, something...
for the Pope,

886
00:52:40,437 --> 00:52:41,904
Baptists, Catholics, Episcopalians.

887
00:52:42,072 --> 00:52:45,098
They're passing out, like, 100,000
of them porta-cups for Mass.

888
00:52:45,275 --> 00:52:47,243
Hey, guess what's in one of 'em.

889
00:52:47,411 --> 00:52:48,935
No way.

890
00:52:49,112 --> 00:52:52,275
Some nun got sick drinking
the Skoal-tainted blood of Christ.

891
00:52:52,449 --> 00:52:53,507
No!

892
00:52:53,684 --> 00:52:55,447
'Course it gets traced
back to the shop.

893
00:52:55,619 --> 00:52:57,416
Boss is pissed.

894
00:52:57,588 --> 00:53:00,318
He was ready to swab everyone's cheek,
get their DNA.

895
00:53:00,491 --> 00:53:01,981
That's when I fessed up.

896
00:53:02,159 --> 00:53:02,989
They fired you?

897
00:53:03,160 --> 00:53:04,149
Hell, yeah, they fired me.

898
00:53:04,328 --> 00:53:05,522
Best thing that ever happened to me.

899
00:53:05,696 --> 00:53:09,598
Next Sunday, I go to Mass
for the first time since I was a kid.

900
00:53:09,833 --> 00:53:12,461
I figure I owe the Pope one,
you know.

901
00:53:12,636 --> 00:53:14,001
Well, don't laugh,

902
00:53:14,171 --> 00:53:16,639
but when I go up for Communion,

903
00:53:16,807 --> 00:53:20,538
it's like Jesus is whispering to me
from inside the cup.

904
00:53:20,711 --> 00:53:22,110
Really?

905
00:53:22,279 --> 00:53:24,713
I swear to God, I can hear him

906
00:53:24,882 --> 00:53:27,510
telling me the same thing
my mama used to say.

907
00:53:27,684 --> 00:53:29,447
"Don't shit where you eat."

908
00:53:31,989 --> 00:53:35,823
Anyway, I find out that the nun,
the one who got sick,

909
00:53:35,993 --> 00:53:38,655
live up in Canada
running a home for retards.

910
00:53:38,829 --> 00:53:41,059
Except you ain't
supposed to call 'em that.

911
00:53:41,231 --> 00:53:44,064
Don't laugh!
But I felt like God

912
00:53:44,234 --> 00:53:45,792
wanted me to even things up,
you know.

913
00:53:45,969 --> 00:53:47,960
So I call her up,

914
00:53:48,138 --> 00:53:50,538
and after talking to her
on the phone for 10 minutes,

915
00:53:50,707 --> 00:53:52,470
she said I need to be there.

916
00:53:53,844 --> 00:53:56,870
So I'm off to Canada
to help the retards.

917
00:53:59,483 --> 00:54:01,314
Come on. You're into this stuff, right?

918
00:54:04,488 --> 00:54:07,013
Merry Christmas, dude.

919
00:54:07,190 --> 00:54:08,316
What?

920
00:54:11,061 --> 00:54:12,756
What do you say we don't go
to midnight Mass somewhere,

921
00:54:12,930 --> 00:54:14,397
give old baby Jesus a holler?

922
00:54:14,565 --> 00:54:15,725
I'm not really dressed.

923
00:54:15,899 --> 00:54:17,594
Come on, man.
Ain't like your church.

924
00:54:17,768 --> 00:54:19,167
Not even the priest wears a tie.

925
00:54:19,336 --> 00:54:21,736
Nah, I'm not really interested.

926
00:54:21,905 --> 00:54:23,031
'Cause it ain't Baptist?

927
00:54:25,842 --> 00:54:26,900
You all right, big guy?

928
00:54:27,077 --> 00:54:28,874
So when do you start
up in Canada?

929
00:54:29,046 --> 00:54:31,674
Not until February.
I saved up a little money.

930
00:54:31,848 --> 00:54:33,679
I was thinking maybe I'd
kick it around here a while,

931
00:54:33,850 --> 00:54:35,943
assuming you got a spare floor.

932
00:54:36,119 --> 00:54:38,952
Uh, bro, my, um...

933
00:54:40,290 --> 00:54:42,258
You know, I'd totally let you crash,

934
00:54:42,426 --> 00:54:44,121
but my roommate's coming back early.

935
00:54:45,629 --> 00:54:47,722
Ah, that's cool.

936
00:54:47,898 --> 00:54:51,197
I was thinking that maybe
I'd head up there early.

937
00:54:51,368 --> 00:54:53,859
They got these cabins
where the volunteers go

938
00:54:54,037 --> 00:54:56,232
for these three-day silent retreats.

939
00:54:56,406 --> 00:54:59,569
Heh. I can't shut the hell up
for five minutes.

940
00:54:59,743 --> 00:55:02,439
I figure I might need
a few practice runs.

941
00:55:03,614 --> 00:55:05,582
You still got
my cell number, right?

942
00:55:05,749 --> 00:55:08,115
'Cause I tried
calling you a few times.

943
00:55:08,285 --> 00:55:09,809
School has been,
like, really crazy.

944
00:55:11,221 --> 00:55:12,984
Yeah.

945
00:55:13,156 --> 00:55:14,418
Yeah.

946
00:55:14,591 --> 00:55:15,956
Well...

947
00:55:16,126 --> 00:55:18,924
I guess I'm gonna go wish
Jesus a happy birthday.

948
00:55:20,430 --> 00:55:21,419
Peace.

949
00:55:23,333 --> 00:55:25,096
See ya.

950
00:55:25,268 --> 00:55:27,099
It was good seeing you, man.

951
00:55:27,270 --> 00:55:29,261
Yeah. Hey, thanks for coming, Jordan.

952
00:55:33,810 --> 00:55:35,107
Hey, merry Christmas.

953
00:56:12,349 --> 00:56:14,112
Here it is again!
Bullshit bookmobile!

954
00:56:14,284 --> 00:56:15,444
Welcome back, Reedies.

955
00:56:15,619 --> 00:56:17,712
It's that time of year
again to donate

956
00:56:17,888 --> 00:56:19,685
those Christmas presents
you are never gonna read!

957
00:56:19,856 --> 00:56:22,154
Come on. You know your
parents only gave 'em to you

958
00:56:22,325 --> 00:56:23,553
because they are easy to wrap!

959
00:56:23,727 --> 00:56:25,524
Give 'em the demise
they so richly deserve!

960
00:56:25,696 --> 00:56:26,788
Put 'em out of their misery!

961
00:56:26,963 --> 00:56:28,362
Give me your tired,
your poorly written,

962
00:56:28,532 --> 00:56:31,729
your huddled mass media
yearning to be trees!

963
00:56:31,902 --> 00:56:34,166
Miller, you look lost.

964
00:56:34,337 --> 00:56:35,201
- Me?
- Yeah.

965
00:56:35,372 --> 00:56:37,203
Ah, it's just a beer buzz.

966
00:56:37,374 --> 00:56:38,534
How was Christmas break?

967
00:56:38,709 --> 00:56:40,176
I don't do Christmas.

968
00:56:40,343 --> 00:56:41,401
What you got going later?

969
00:56:41,578 --> 00:56:42,977
Sleeping off a holiday hangover.

970
00:56:43,914 --> 00:56:46,144
I have a little project
that might require your...

971
00:56:46,316 --> 00:56:48,181
special talents.
What do you think?

972
00:56:48,351 --> 00:56:49,340
What?

973
00:56:50,687 --> 00:56:52,154
Trust me. It's big,

974
00:56:52,322 --> 00:56:53,482
very big.

975
00:56:54,424 --> 00:56:55,755
Texas big!

976
00:57:10,173 --> 00:57:11,697
What the hell?

977
00:57:14,745 --> 00:57:16,007
Lauryn?

978
00:57:16,179 --> 00:57:18,272
She's straight.

979
00:57:18,448 --> 00:57:19,915
What?

980
00:57:20,083 --> 00:57:21,948
Quinn is straight.

981
00:57:24,020 --> 00:57:25,954
She doesn't even experiment.

982
00:57:27,124 --> 00:57:30,252
I know I told myself
I'd give it six months,

983
00:57:30,427 --> 00:57:33,089
just to see if she
showed any sign.

984
00:57:34,598 --> 00:57:36,293
And then I...
I caught her reading

985
00:57:36,466 --> 00:57:38,434
an Anais Nin book
in the campus bookstore.

986
00:57:38,602 --> 00:57:39,899
I just assumed.

987
00:57:42,105 --> 00:57:43,572
Wouldn't you assume?

988
00:57:45,142 --> 00:57:47,303
Told you her ass
wasn't big enough.

989
00:57:47,611 --> 00:57:49,306
Stop, Don. I'm serious.

990
00:57:52,449 --> 00:57:54,314
I mean, I love her.

991
00:57:58,755 --> 00:58:00,416
Can I stay here tonight?

992
00:58:02,459 --> 00:58:03,619
Will you put out?

993
00:58:04,494 --> 00:58:05,552
No.

994
00:58:06,329 --> 00:58:08,320
Then leave immediately.

995
00:58:12,969 --> 00:58:15,802
Come on. Think back
to when you were bi-curious.

996
00:58:15,972 --> 00:58:18,236
Think back to when you were nice.

997
00:58:21,745 --> 00:58:24,908
I just don't understand
what girls see in you guys.

998
00:58:25,081 --> 00:58:27,276
So you can move heavy objects?

999
00:58:27,450 --> 00:58:28,815
Big deal.

1000
00:58:28,985 --> 00:58:31,419
Are there that many heavy
objects that need moving?

1001
00:58:32,956 --> 00:58:35,948
I heard the penis plays
a role in procreation.

1002
00:58:37,661 --> 00:58:39,754
Genitals are overrated.

1003
00:58:39,930 --> 00:58:41,420
So is Anais Nin.

1004
00:58:41,598 --> 00:58:43,657
Yeah.

1005
00:58:49,272 --> 00:58:50,933
I'm sorry, Lauryn.

1006
00:58:51,341 --> 00:58:53,775
Oh, man, it just sucks.

1007
00:58:53,944 --> 00:58:55,206
Yeah.

1008
00:59:22,405 --> 00:59:24,396
- Are you ready?
- What?

1009
00:59:24,574 --> 00:59:27,509
- Oh, come on.
- Not you, too.

1010
00:59:27,677 --> 00:59:29,508
Junior college transfers.

1011
00:59:29,679 --> 00:59:30,976
What are you doing?

1012
00:59:31,147 --> 00:59:33,138
I'm purging the campus
of false dogma,

1013
00:59:33,316 --> 00:59:36,683
but I didn't think for a second
that you were gonna need my help.

1014
00:59:36,853 --> 00:59:39,822
Do you know the Stone Age tribes
of New Guinea do not have cellphones

1015
00:59:39,990 --> 00:59:41,719
because they never grew wheat?
Did you know that?

1016
00:59:41,892 --> 00:59:42,859
I didn't get that far.

1017
00:59:43,026 --> 00:59:43,856
Now you know.

1018
00:59:44,027 --> 00:59:45,085
Hey, those cost money.

1019
00:59:45,862 --> 00:59:47,056
I'm The Pope, man.

1020
00:59:47,230 --> 00:59:49,198
I speak for God.

1021
00:59:49,366 --> 00:59:50,856
God wants you to burn books?

1022
00:59:51,034 --> 00:59:54,526
God doesn't exist,
and here is the proof.

1023
00:59:54,704 --> 00:59:57,400
Would a loving God possibly
allow this to exist?

1024
00:59:57,574 --> 00:59:59,007
I think not.

1025
00:59:59,175 --> 01:00:01,006
That was a graduation gift.

1026
01:00:01,177 --> 01:00:02,007
Who made you Pope, anyway?

1027
01:00:02,178 --> 01:00:05,113
Last year's Pope at Renn Fayre.

1028
01:00:07,350 --> 01:00:09,341
You don't know about any of this?

1029
01:00:09,519 --> 01:00:12,545
Big weekend bash after exams
at the end of the school year.

1030
01:00:12,856 --> 01:00:15,051
Sex, drugs, naked elves.

1031
01:00:17,227 --> 01:00:18,854
The firstjob of the new Pope

1032
01:00:19,029 --> 01:00:21,589
is to take confessions
during Renn Fayre, so...

1033
01:00:21,765 --> 01:00:23,255
go to a little booth,

1034
01:00:23,433 --> 01:00:26,596
and all the students line up
to confess their sins.

1035
01:00:26,770 --> 01:00:28,203
They confess to you?

1036
01:00:29,439 --> 01:00:30,269
All night long.

1037
01:00:30,440 --> 01:00:31,270
At first, I thought,

1038
01:00:31,441 --> 01:00:32,373
"This is gonna be awesome.

1039
01:00:32,542 --> 01:00:33,634
"I mean, I'm gonna hear about

1040
01:00:33,810 --> 01:00:35,869
every kinky sex act
from here to Seattle,"

1041
01:00:36,046 --> 01:00:38,139
and I got a lot of that,
but then...

1042
01:00:42,152 --> 01:00:44,882
this one sad bastard,
he starts telling me

1043
01:00:45,055 --> 01:00:47,080
how when he was a kid,

1044
01:00:47,257 --> 01:00:51,091
this priest at his church
used to take him into his office,

1045
01:00:51,261 --> 01:00:52,626
you know, and...

1046
01:00:53,997 --> 01:00:56,295
right there under the crucifix,

1047
01:00:56,466 --> 01:00:58,434
Father Feel-you-up would just...

1048
01:01:01,171 --> 01:01:02,502
go at him.

1049
01:01:05,008 --> 01:01:06,839
It was heavy.

1050
01:01:08,345 --> 01:01:09,937
So I start thinking, right?

1051
01:01:10,113 --> 01:01:12,343
I should be doing something
to help these people.

1052
01:01:12,515 --> 01:01:15,848
I mean, I got the robe.
I got the hat. I'm The Pope.

1053
01:01:16,019 --> 01:01:18,954
I should be using my powers for good.

1054
01:01:20,790 --> 01:01:22,621
So then I get the idea.

1055
01:01:22,792 --> 01:01:27,161
I start getting people to tell me
right there in the confession booth,

1056
01:01:27,330 --> 01:01:29,628
"How has God screwed you up?"

1057
01:01:31,134 --> 01:01:33,466
And maybe it's the PCP talking, but...

1058
01:01:35,005 --> 01:01:43,005
I find out how afraid people are
of a God who doesn't even exist.

1059
01:01:47,617 --> 01:01:48,777
Oh, don't touch those albums.
Hey. Come on.

1060
01:01:48,952 --> 01:01:50,886
You know, tomorrow
millions of people

1061
01:01:51,054 --> 01:01:52,885
are gonna start filing into churches

1062
01:01:53,056 --> 01:01:54,353
and praying that their loving God

1063
01:01:54,524 --> 01:01:56,492
is not gonna burn them
in Hell forever.

1064
01:01:56,659 --> 01:01:58,627
And you think burning books
is gonna help?

1065
01:01:58,795 --> 01:02:01,821
It's not like I'm torching
anything useful.

1066
01:02:01,998 --> 01:02:03,863
Every steeple
hides a sleeper cell.

1067
01:02:04,034 --> 01:02:05,467
They smile,
They shake your hand,

1068
01:02:05,635 --> 01:02:07,000
and then you're drinking
the Kool-Aid.

1069
01:02:07,170 --> 01:02:09,138
They want to rule us,
Donny boy.

1070
01:02:09,305 --> 01:02:10,533
They're like Taliban in training,

1071
01:02:10,707 --> 01:02:14,199
and we've gotta stop 'em, you know,
combine all our resources.

1072
01:02:14,377 --> 01:02:16,971
Street theater. Civil unrest.
You know what I mean?

1073
01:02:19,349 --> 01:02:20,475
I don't want to scare you,

1074
01:02:20,650 --> 01:02:21,742
but there's a lesbian in your bed.

1075
01:02:23,253 --> 01:02:24,686
Oh, man, I need a beer.

1076
01:02:24,854 --> 01:02:26,082
Get your shoes on, Miller.

1077
01:02:27,357 --> 01:02:28,517
I've got something planned

1078
01:02:28,691 --> 01:02:30,488
that's gonna make
your little billboard escapade.

1079
01:02:30,660 --> 01:02:32,685
Look like frat boys
TPing the dean's house.

1080
01:02:37,734 --> 01:02:40,862
You want civil unrest at 4 A.M.?

1081
01:02:41,037 --> 01:02:43,028
You're okay with heights, right?

1082
01:02:47,210 --> 01:02:49,405
What is it, Daddy?

1083
01:02:49,579 --> 01:02:53,538
It's a, uh, balloon,

1084
01:02:53,716 --> 01:02:55,707
a happy balloon.

1085
01:02:55,885 --> 01:02:58,410
"Don't let

1086
01:02:58,588 --> 01:03:00,522
"these people...

1087
01:03:00,690 --> 01:03:02,521
re-prod-uce."

1088
01:03:03,560 --> 01:03:05,221
Very good, Sophie.

1089
01:03:14,571 --> 01:03:16,539
Hey.

1090
01:03:16,706 --> 01:03:18,037
When'd you get back from India?

1091
01:03:18,208 --> 01:03:19,903
- Was it you?
- Huh?

1092
01:03:20,076 --> 01:03:21,941
The condom and the steeple.

1093
01:03:22,112 --> 01:03:22,942
Are you wearing a wire?

1094
01:03:23,113 --> 01:03:24,603
Answer the question.

1095
01:03:24,781 --> 01:03:26,214
So you saw it.

1096
01:03:27,417 --> 01:03:29,715
I go to church there, Don.

1097
01:03:29,886 --> 01:03:30,716
You what?

1098
01:03:30,887 --> 01:03:31,876
You heard me.

1099
01:03:34,491 --> 01:03:36,982
Well, it's not like we did
any permanent damage.

1100
01:03:37,160 --> 01:03:39,492
I had a six-year-old ask me why the cross
was wearing a baggie.

1101
01:03:40,763 --> 01:03:41,752
It's supposed to symbolize...

1102
01:03:41,931 --> 01:03:43,125
A condom on the steeple?

1103
01:03:43,299 --> 01:03:44,391
It was just a...

1104
01:03:44,567 --> 01:03:45,397
"Don't let these people reproduce"?

1105
01:03:45,568 --> 01:03:46,557
It was just a joke.

1106
01:03:46,736 --> 01:03:48,294
What do you know
about those people?

1107
01:03:49,339 --> 01:03:50,931
Whatever, you know?

1108
01:03:51,107 --> 01:03:53,507
People can do what they want,

1109
01:03:53,676 --> 01:03:55,337
believe what they want.

1110
01:03:55,678 --> 01:03:57,339
It was just a joke.

1111
01:04:00,316 --> 01:04:01,840
I'm sorry, all right?

1112
01:04:02,752 --> 01:04:05,016
I had no idea you even went to church.

1113
01:04:12,695 --> 01:04:14,959
You really believe
all that stuff, huh?

1114
01:04:15,131 --> 01:04:15,961
Don't patronize me.

1115
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:17,830
I don't mean to.

1116
01:04:18,001 --> 01:04:20,595
It just seems a little primitive
to still be a...

1117
01:04:20,770 --> 01:04:21,794
A Christian?

1118
01:04:22,272 --> 01:04:23,933
Well, yeah.

1119
01:04:24,107 --> 01:04:25,665
I wasn't born that way, Don.

1120
01:04:25,842 --> 01:04:28,538
I read the Bible in Lit class last year,

1121
01:04:28,711 --> 01:04:30,338
and it turns out I like Jesus.

1122
01:04:30,513 --> 01:04:32,003
A lot.

1123
01:04:32,982 --> 01:04:35,007
Does anybody know?

1124
01:04:36,019 --> 01:04:37,884
Are you gonna turn me in?

1125
01:04:39,289 --> 01:04:41,052
You know what? I'm leaving.

1126
01:04:41,224 --> 01:04:42,782
H-Hey, Penny.

1127
01:04:42,959 --> 01:04:45,519
How was India?

1128
01:04:47,197 --> 01:04:48,892
It was life-changing.

1129
01:04:49,065 --> 01:04:50,657
Did you take pictures?

1130
01:04:52,502 --> 01:04:55,403
Yeah. I'm doing a slide show
on Sunday night.

1131
01:04:55,572 --> 01:04:56,732
I'll come.

1132
01:04:58,474 --> 01:05:00,567
Do you forgive me
for the steeple thing?

1133
01:05:01,578 --> 01:05:03,978
It's not about me, Don.

1134
01:05:05,014 --> 01:05:06,481
You don't even
really know what you did,

1135
01:05:06,649 --> 01:05:08,378
because you don't know
the people that you hurt.

1136
01:05:09,652 --> 01:05:11,813
Well, maybe I can meet these people.

1137
01:05:11,988 --> 01:05:13,751
I'm not asking you to do that.

1138
01:05:13,923 --> 01:05:17,051
No. It's my idea.

1139
01:05:17,227 --> 01:05:18,319
I want to.

1140
01:05:20,930 --> 01:05:24,764
Okay.10:30, next Sunday.

1141
01:05:58,868 --> 01:06:00,233
Hi, Mom.

1142
01:06:00,403 --> 01:06:01,597
Hi, Don. Is this a good time?

1143
01:06:01,771 --> 01:06:02,601
Not good.

1144
01:06:02,772 --> 01:06:04,137
On my way to church,

1145
01:06:04,307 --> 01:06:05,433
believe it or not.

1146
01:06:05,608 --> 01:06:07,872
Don, I have some hard news...

1147
01:06:08,044 --> 01:06:08,908
Hold on.

1148
01:06:09,812 --> 01:06:12,542
Am I on speakerphone, Don?

1149
01:06:12,715 --> 01:06:14,546
- You there?
- Am I... Am I on speakerphone?

1150
01:06:14,717 --> 01:06:16,480
It's fine, Mom. Nobody's around.

1151
01:06:16,653 --> 01:06:19,486
Don, can you take me
off the speakerphone, please?

1152
01:06:19,656 --> 01:06:21,988
Fine. Okay,
I'll take it off speakerphone.

1153
01:06:29,999 --> 01:06:30,829
What's wrong?

1154
01:06:31,000 --> 01:06:34,060
Don, I have some hard news.

1155
01:06:34,237 --> 01:06:36,671
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

1156
01:06:38,341 --> 01:06:39,774
I'm pregnant.

1157
01:06:42,278 --> 01:06:45,475
I'm pregnant,
and the baby is Kenny's.

1158
01:06:45,648 --> 01:06:47,013
Oh, God.

1159
01:06:48,017 --> 01:06:49,143
It was a mistake.

1160
01:06:49,319 --> 01:06:50,684
- What?
- I made a mistake.

1161
01:06:50,853 --> 01:06:52,411
- Hypocrite!
- We made a mistake.

1162
01:06:52,588 --> 01:06:53,953
Bitch!

1163
01:06:54,123 --> 01:06:56,591
I'm gonna let you talk to Kenny.

1164
01:06:56,759 --> 01:06:58,158
Hey, bro.

1165
01:06:59,262 --> 01:07:00,593
Put her back on.

1166
01:07:00,763 --> 01:07:02,094
Listen, I know exactly how you feel.

1167
01:07:02,265 --> 01:07:04,699
No, Kenny, you don't know how
I'm feeling.

1168
01:07:04,867 --> 01:07:06,801
You know why?
Because you're an asshole!

1169
01:07:06,969 --> 01:07:09,130
You're a puppeteering
asshole freak!

1170
01:07:09,305 --> 01:07:12,297
Well, see that school has improved
your language.

1171
01:07:37,033 --> 01:07:39,729
We can learn much
about the spiritual life

1172
01:07:39,902 --> 01:07:41,995
from a term used
in sound recording,

1173
01:07:42,171 --> 01:07:43,661
called the "noise floor."

1174
01:07:43,840 --> 01:07:46,070
The noise floor is the amount of noise

1175
01:07:46,242 --> 01:07:47,573
already present in an environment...

1176
01:07:48,878 --> 01:07:52,507
that, uh, has to be overcome
before anything else can be heard.

1177
01:07:52,682 --> 01:07:54,809
Now, this concept
is particularly important...

1178
01:07:56,219 --> 01:07:58,915
...when it comes
to the life of the spirit.

1179
01:07:59,088 --> 01:08:01,556
We need to find a refuge
from the often-deafening

1180
01:08:01,724 --> 01:08:03,692
noise floor of life...

1181
01:08:04,494 --> 01:08:06,724
to hear the still, small
voice of God.

1182
01:08:06,896 --> 01:08:07,920
Young man, may I help you?

1183
01:08:08,097 --> 01:08:09,997
Yeah. Got some things to return.

1184
01:08:45,234 --> 01:08:47,759
All right. Okay, you ready?
Overhand again.

1185
01:08:50,139 --> 01:08:52,607
Okay, bring it back overhand.

1186
01:10:39,549 --> 01:10:41,039
Hello.

1187
01:10:45,755 --> 01:10:47,222
Miller! Miller.

1188
01:10:47,390 --> 01:10:49,915
Hey, park this piece of crap.
It's about to start.

1189
01:10:50,092 --> 01:10:51,320
I can't find a space.

1190
01:10:51,494 --> 01:10:54,725
Ah, it's after 6:00.
I give you my blessing to park here.

1191
01:10:56,866 --> 01:10:59,027
Yeah, right. Nice.

1192
01:11:00,169 --> 01:11:02,660
Take the Bible. Please.

1193
01:11:04,407 --> 01:11:06,432
It's not that the book
is contradictory.

1194
01:11:06,609 --> 01:11:08,372
It's not a book at all.

1195
01:11:08,544 --> 01:11:09,772
It's a collection of writings

1196
01:11:09,946 --> 01:11:11,709
compiled over the course
of nine centuries

1197
01:11:11,881 --> 01:11:13,781
that, when taken together,

1198
01:11:13,950 --> 01:11:17,249
present such a hopelessly
muddled worldview

1199
01:11:17,420 --> 01:11:19,547
that it's easy to see
why so many of its followers

1200
01:11:19,722 --> 01:11:21,553
for so much of our history

1201
01:11:21,724 --> 01:11:24,056
have killed one another
over its meanings.

1202
01:11:25,861 --> 01:11:28,523
Many refugee families
have become subsistence farmers

1203
01:11:28,698 --> 01:11:32,600
who live in abandoned and often
condemned houses and shacks

1204
01:11:32,768 --> 01:11:36,363
and survive year to year by planting
whatever crops they can.

1205
01:11:37,373 --> 01:11:40,308
Mr. Larkin has set up
the scientific method

1206
01:11:40,476 --> 01:11:41,875
as his biblical canon,

1207
01:11:42,044 --> 01:11:43,102
yet with that method,

1208
01:11:43,279 --> 01:11:47,943
he still can't prove that a sunset
is more beautiful than...

1209
01:11:48,117 --> 01:11:49,709
I don't know, camel dung.

1210
01:11:50,419 --> 01:11:53,718
Or that music is more sensible
than noise.

1211
01:11:53,889 --> 01:11:55,322
By his own reasoning,

1212
01:11:55,491 --> 01:11:59,951
he is delusional to even tell
his wife and children he loves them.

1213
01:12:00,129 --> 01:12:03,929
There's nothing delusional about
the chemical reaction we call love.

1214
01:12:04,100 --> 01:12:06,762
It forces the species to bond together

1215
01:12:06,936 --> 01:12:10,167
and preserve the social structure,
nothing more.

1216
01:12:10,339 --> 01:12:12,170
The theist has a sound explanation

1217
01:12:12,341 --> 01:12:16,334
as to why humans need more than
to just survive.

1218
01:12:16,512 --> 01:12:18,844
We long for love and justice,

1219
01:12:19,015 --> 01:12:21,506
beauty, transcendence,

1220
01:12:21,684 --> 01:12:27,247
because they echo the voice calling us
to know their origin.

1221
01:12:27,423 --> 01:12:29,482
Okay, let's take another question.

1222
01:12:29,659 --> 01:12:31,183
Uh, Mr. Larkin,
I'm just curious...

1223
01:12:31,360 --> 01:12:33,419
Actually, the gentleman
right next to the hat, please.

1224
01:12:35,531 --> 01:12:38,091
Um, Mr. Larkin,

1225
01:12:38,267 --> 01:12:40,861
in your book, you admit to a sense
of awe and reverence

1226
01:12:41,037 --> 01:12:42,504
when you encounter
the beauty of nature

1227
01:12:42,672 --> 01:12:45,436
and the intricacies
of the universe.

1228
01:12:45,608 --> 01:12:49,044
Has that ever led you to consider
that there might be a God?

1229
01:12:49,211 --> 01:12:50,371
No.

1230
01:12:51,180 --> 01:12:52,272
Hell, no.

1231
01:12:53,516 --> 01:12:56,178
So then where do we find meaning?

1232
01:12:56,352 --> 01:12:58,286
Meaning?

1233
01:12:58,454 --> 01:13:01,355
The universe doesn't owe us
meaning, son.

1234
01:13:01,524 --> 01:13:04,118
If you want meaning,

1235
01:13:04,293 --> 01:13:06,727
I suggest you try a dictionary.

1236
01:13:08,130 --> 01:13:10,530
Yeah. Thanks.

1237
01:13:29,251 --> 01:13:31,481
And on the last day,

1238
01:13:31,654 --> 01:13:33,747
when I went to say goodbye
to the family,

1239
01:13:33,923 --> 01:13:35,914
they were already waiting for me.

1240
01:13:36,092 --> 01:13:39,528
Little Reena came up to me
with a giant smile on her face

1241
01:13:39,695 --> 01:13:44,496
and handed me an egg
that their chicken had laid.

1242
01:13:44,667 --> 01:13:48,501
I knew it was all they had.

1243
01:13:50,339 --> 01:13:55,606
So when you think of Kashmir...

1244
01:13:55,778 --> 01:13:58,542
that's the face
I'd like you to remember.

1245
01:14:02,718 --> 01:14:05,778
Um, are there any questions?

1246
01:14:08,257 --> 01:14:09,246
Lauryn.

1247
01:14:10,392 --> 01:14:13,623
The amount of misery and suffering
in that part of the world

1248
01:14:13,796 --> 01:14:15,627
seems so overwhelming.

1249
01:14:15,798 --> 01:14:19,928
I just... I don't know
how you deal with it.

1250
01:14:20,102 --> 01:14:21,763
Is that a question, Lauryn?

1251
01:14:21,937 --> 01:14:23,564
I mean, I don't mean
to get personal,

1252
01:14:23,739 --> 01:14:27,231
but I know you have
these religious beliefs,

1253
01:14:27,409 --> 01:14:30,139
and...

1254
01:14:30,312 --> 01:14:32,906
don't you ever wonder why God
doesn't just do something?

1255
01:14:33,082 --> 01:14:37,143
Look, I don't mean to go
all Mother Teresa on you,

1256
01:14:37,319 --> 01:14:40,914
but she believed that the spiritual
poverty of the West

1257
01:14:41,090 --> 01:14:42,421
was far more oppressive

1258
01:14:42,591 --> 01:14:44,491
than any physical poverty
she saw in India.

1259
01:14:44,660 --> 01:14:47,151
All I know is that
when I was there,

1260
01:14:47,329 --> 01:14:51,060
away from all the noise
and distraction,

1261
01:14:52,101 --> 01:14:53,966
I never felt so close to God.

1262
01:14:54,136 --> 01:14:55,797
I can't explain it.

1263
01:14:55,971 --> 01:14:58,269
I just want to go back.

1264
01:15:01,410 --> 01:15:02,843
Thank you.

1265
01:15:16,425 --> 01:15:17,414
Don?

1266
01:15:21,764 --> 01:15:22,662
Are you there?

1267
01:15:23,933 --> 01:15:24,922
Don.

1268
01:15:27,503 --> 01:15:29,937
Where were you tonight?

1269
01:15:30,105 --> 01:15:31,697
What are you doing
with my phone?

1270
01:15:31,874 --> 01:15:35,469
Um, I fixed it with my hair dryer.

1271
01:15:35,644 --> 01:15:37,976
You shouldn't hang up on your mom.

1272
01:15:41,116 --> 01:15:43,277
You didn't talk to her, did you?

1273
01:15:44,386 --> 01:15:46,786
We chatted... briefly.

1274
01:15:53,796 --> 01:15:55,491
She needs you, Don.

1275
01:15:55,664 --> 01:15:57,325
Stay away from me, Penny.

1276
01:16:00,402 --> 01:16:02,563
Don!

1277
01:16:02,738 --> 01:16:04,467
Don, wait!

1278
01:16:05,674 --> 01:16:07,232
Don, she made a mistake.

1279
01:16:07,409 --> 01:16:09,001
No, dialing the wrong number
is a mistake.

1280
01:16:09,178 --> 01:16:12,079
Having a baby with a married man,
that's being a slut.

1281
01:16:12,248 --> 01:16:13,579
You're talking about your mother.

1282
01:16:13,749 --> 01:16:15,717
Yeah, I think I know her
a little better than you do.

1283
01:16:17,720 --> 01:16:19,585
What else did she tell you?

1284
01:16:21,090 --> 01:16:22,557
Not that much.

1285
01:16:23,659 --> 01:16:25,820
Were you really assistant
to your youth pastor?

1286
01:16:26,862 --> 01:16:28,352
Get the hell away from me.

1287
01:16:32,234 --> 01:16:34,828
Why are you trying
to hide who you are?

1288
01:16:35,004 --> 01:16:36,665
'Cause I'm done with those freaks.

1289
01:16:36,839 --> 01:16:37,863
What, like me?

1290
01:16:38,040 --> 01:16:39,530
- You wouldn't understand.
- Why not?

1291
01:16:39,708 --> 01:16:42,006
Because your mom isn't having sex
with a youth pastor.

1292
01:16:42,177 --> 01:16:44,702
No, my mom is just roaming the streets
of God knows where

1293
01:16:44,880 --> 01:16:46,404
having sex with JFK.

1294
01:16:47,416 --> 01:16:51,750
- At least she's got an excuse.
- And what's my excuse?

1295
01:16:51,921 --> 01:16:53,752
I stopped visiting her
when I was in high school

1296
01:16:53,923 --> 01:16:56,050
because I was too ashamed.

1297
01:16:56,225 --> 01:16:59,422
Now I have no idea
where she is.

1298
01:16:59,595 --> 01:17:01,119
I didn't know.

1299
01:17:01,297 --> 01:17:03,288
Yeah, there's a lot you don't
know about everybody.

1300
01:17:03,465 --> 01:17:06,025
People are human.
People are flawed.

1301
01:17:06,201 --> 01:17:07,691
We all have our crap.

1302
01:17:07,870 --> 01:17:09,804
I abandoned my mom.

1303
01:17:13,475 --> 01:17:14,635
Talk to her.

1304
01:17:22,584 --> 01:17:24,211
I want to be alone.

1305
01:17:25,220 --> 01:17:27,552
I'm taking this.

1306
01:17:27,723 --> 01:17:28,985
Don't look at the flame.

1307
01:17:43,238 --> 01:17:45,672
If you start pushing people away,

1308
01:17:45,841 --> 01:17:47,832
eventually they just leave you alone...

1309
01:17:49,678 --> 01:17:50,906
with your thoughts,

1310
01:17:51,814 --> 01:17:53,475
with your demons,

1311
01:17:54,416 --> 01:17:56,281
with the sound of your own breathing.

1312
01:17:57,653 --> 01:18:00,019
But if you're going to have
an existential crisis,

1313
01:18:00,189 --> 01:18:02,180
Portland in winter is hard to beat.

1314
01:18:03,692 --> 01:18:05,125
The city is a shadow.

1315
01:18:07,629 --> 01:18:10,120
The clouds are a blanket
pulled over your head.

1316
01:18:12,701 --> 01:18:15,932
School year seems like
it's never going to end.

1317
01:18:18,707 --> 01:18:23,167
And it's easy to avoid
the people you're trying to avoid.

1318
01:18:26,615 --> 01:18:28,344
By the end of finals,

1319
01:18:28,517 --> 01:18:31,281
you're so burned out
on the pursuit of knowledge

1320
01:18:31,453 --> 01:18:32,852
that any sign of life,

1321
01:18:33,989 --> 01:18:35,456
even if it's artificial,

1322
01:18:36,725 --> 01:18:38,556
seems worth pursuing.

1323
01:18:49,505 --> 01:18:51,632
Hey, hey, hey. What's up?

1324
01:18:51,807 --> 01:18:53,638
We're almost there. Lauryn!

1325
01:18:55,244 --> 01:18:57,838
I found her barking up a tree.
I think she's dehydrated.

1326
01:18:58,013 --> 01:18:59,173
Let's get her to a cot.

1327
01:19:01,717 --> 01:19:03,742
Hey, Miller! Little help?

1328
01:19:06,021 --> 01:19:07,750
- Hey.
- Hey.

1329
01:19:09,158 --> 01:19:11,251
Thank you for returning my e-mails.

1330
01:19:11,427 --> 01:19:13,657
Sorry. School has been crazy.

1331
01:19:13,829 --> 01:19:15,820
Yeah, you promised me last month
you'd help me with this.

1332
01:19:15,998 --> 01:19:17,226
I don't do well around blood.

1333
01:19:18,567 --> 01:19:19,727
Or that.

1334
01:19:35,851 --> 01:19:37,341
Miller.

1335
01:19:39,955 --> 01:19:41,388
Leaded or unleaded?

1336
01:19:41,557 --> 01:19:42,922
Time will tell.

1337
01:19:44,426 --> 01:19:48,055
So... your first Renn Fayre.

1338
01:19:49,598 --> 01:19:50,758
What do you think?

1339
01:19:50,933 --> 01:19:52,195
Snacks are good.

1340
01:19:52,367 --> 01:19:54,460
You have no idea.

1341
01:20:02,244 --> 01:20:03,404
You gonna miss being The Pope?

1342
01:20:03,579 --> 01:20:04,546
You know, it's weird.

1343
01:20:04,713 --> 01:20:07,079
Certain people see the hat coming,
and it's almost like...

1344
01:20:07,249 --> 01:20:09,080
It's almost like it gives them hope.

1345
01:20:12,387 --> 01:20:14,719
Go with dog, my son.

1346
01:20:17,960 --> 01:20:20,053
If God's dead, what's the point?

1347
01:20:20,229 --> 01:20:23,721
'Cause people need this shit,
and they always will.

1348
01:20:26,935 --> 01:20:30,928
The people with steel balls
are the ones who never cry out to God.

1349
01:20:32,307 --> 01:20:38,007
I mean, they've looked into the abyss,
and they know, man.

1350
01:20:39,014 --> 01:20:40,743
There is no one coming to the rescue.

1351
01:20:44,353 --> 01:20:45,820
How do you know that?

1352
01:20:45,988 --> 01:20:47,979
I know what I know, Miller.

1353
01:20:48,157 --> 01:20:51,024
That kid,
the one in the booth last year,

1354
01:20:51,193 --> 01:20:53,593
who got abused by the priest...

1355
01:20:53,762 --> 01:20:54,990
What about him?

1356
01:20:58,834 --> 01:21:00,199
Nothing.

1357
01:21:03,805 --> 01:21:05,796
To the great nothing.

1358
01:21:07,843 --> 01:21:09,777
What's this?

1359
01:21:09,945 --> 01:21:11,640
It goes with the brownies.

1360
01:21:23,225 --> 01:21:25,386
Let's do some damage.

1361
01:21:41,343 --> 01:21:42,503
Yeah!

1362
01:21:58,560 --> 01:22:01,859
The air is heavy with anticipation

1363
01:22:02,030 --> 01:22:04,999
as the silent crowd awaits the decision.

1364
01:22:16,411 --> 01:22:18,276
The Pope has made his selection.

1365
01:22:18,447 --> 01:22:21,177
Prepare for the crowning
of the new Pope!

1366
01:22:26,355 --> 01:22:29,756
Candidates, present yourselves!

1367
01:22:29,925 --> 01:22:33,691
Huzzah! Huzzah.

1368
01:22:35,063 --> 01:22:38,590
Ah, this is gonna get nasty.

1369
01:22:41,370 --> 01:22:43,895
The Pope considers the Russian.

1370
01:22:47,075 --> 01:22:49,976
And the Russian has been passed over!

1371
01:22:50,145 --> 01:22:52,409
Who shall it be?

1372
01:22:52,581 --> 01:22:54,276
The young foppish prince?

1373
01:22:56,652 --> 01:22:59,746
It is not to be, my friends!

1374
01:22:59,921 --> 01:23:03,652
Will the ginger lady ragdoll
be our new Pope?

1375
01:23:06,995 --> 01:23:10,795
She is not.
The rabbit stands alone.

1376
01:23:10,966 --> 01:23:14,902
Prepare for the crowning
of our new Pope!

1377
01:23:17,072 --> 01:23:18,733
No! The rabbit
has been rejected.

1378
01:23:18,907 --> 01:23:22,070
This is unprecedented!
Who now?!

1379
01:23:22,244 --> 01:23:25,645
Who now amongst us
shall be The Pope?

1380
01:23:30,285 --> 01:23:33,254
The Pope considers the Texan.

1381
01:23:33,422 --> 01:23:34,480
What madness is this?

1382
01:23:34,656 --> 01:23:36,317
It's just a hunch, Miller.

1383
01:23:36,491 --> 01:23:38,652
The Pope will now remove his miter.

1384
01:23:38,827 --> 01:23:39,657
Hold your applause.

1385
01:23:39,828 --> 01:23:42,490
His Eminence can be fickle.

1386
01:23:42,664 --> 01:23:44,256
The Pope has been chosen!

1387
01:23:44,433 --> 01:23:47,766
Citizens of the Reed,
we have a new Pope!

1388
01:23:55,277 --> 01:23:57,211
Yeah!

1389
01:23:57,379 --> 01:24:01,042
Let the christening
of the pagans commence!

1390
01:24:09,458 --> 01:24:11,358
Prepare yourself...

1391
01:24:11,693 --> 01:24:13,217
to kiss The Virgin.

1392
01:24:13,395 --> 01:24:16,296
Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!

1393
01:24:16,465 --> 01:24:21,027
Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!

1394
01:24:22,504 --> 01:24:23,562
Faithful subjects of Reed,

1395
01:24:23,739 --> 01:24:26,970
greet your new Pope!

1396
01:24:35,484 --> 01:24:36,883
The Pope is down!

1397
01:24:37,052 --> 01:24:38,212
We have a down Pope!

1398
01:24:42,057 --> 01:24:43,354
Oh, God.

1399
01:24:43,525 --> 01:24:44,822
Climax.

1400
01:24:44,993 --> 01:24:46,153
Oh, God help me.

1401
01:24:46,328 --> 01:24:50,264
The final C in SCCR.

1402
01:24:50,432 --> 01:24:52,024
Hello!

1403
01:24:52,200 --> 01:24:54,532
Hello?

1404
01:24:54,703 --> 01:24:56,603
Somebody!

1405
01:24:56,772 --> 01:24:59,206
I'm trapped in... in this thing!

1406
01:25:03,278 --> 01:25:06,679
Hello! Help me!

1407
01:25:09,117 --> 01:25:10,607
Hello?

1408
01:25:10,786 --> 01:25:14,017
Hello. Hello. Get me out of here!

1409
01:25:14,189 --> 01:25:15,622
Uh, hold on.

1410
01:25:15,791 --> 01:25:17,088
Hey, n-no. I'm trapped in here!

1411
01:25:17,259 --> 01:25:18,556
Please get me out of here!

1412
01:25:18,727 --> 01:25:20,786
Please! Please get me out!

1413
01:25:20,962 --> 01:25:23,021
I... I think I'm gonna have to roll this.

1414
01:25:23,198 --> 01:25:26,861
Okay. Okay, I don't care.
I don't care. Go.

1415
01:25:27,035 --> 01:25:28,195
All right, you ready?

1416
01:25:28,370 --> 01:25:30,201
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just do it.

1417
01:25:31,640 --> 01:25:32,470
Try again. Try...

1418
01:25:35,310 --> 01:25:37,278
You okay?

1419
01:25:44,920 --> 01:25:46,911
It's okay. Just take my hand.

1420
01:25:55,997 --> 01:25:58,329
My daddy has a dress like that.

1421
01:26:01,136 --> 01:26:04,299
Don't forget your miter.

1422
01:26:04,473 --> 01:26:05,599
Very good, Sophie.

1423
01:26:30,599 --> 01:26:32,328
When dawn breaks in Echo Park

1424
01:26:32,501 --> 01:26:35,629
near downtown Los Angeles,
the locals begin to...

1425
01:26:37,272 --> 01:26:38,432
Breaking news report.

1426
01:26:38,607 --> 01:26:42,099
The government is calling it the deadliest
earthquake in India's history,

1427
01:26:42,277 --> 01:26:45,212
and the devastation took
the greatest toll on Kashmir,

1428
01:26:45,380 --> 01:26:48,543
with local officials confirming
at least 16,000 dead,

1429
01:26:48,717 --> 01:26:50,685
a number they fear may double,

1430
01:26:50,852 --> 01:26:55,551
as area refugee camps face a shortage
of food, water and medical supplies.

1431
01:27:13,408 --> 01:27:14,397
Penny.

1432
01:27:19,548 --> 01:27:20,537
Penny?

1433
01:27:23,585 --> 01:27:25,075
She left.

1434
01:27:26,555 --> 01:27:27,681
Gone to India.

1435
01:27:27,856 --> 01:27:29,153
When?

1436
01:27:29,324 --> 01:27:32,384
Last night after the news about
the earthquake broke.

1437
01:27:33,895 --> 01:27:35,692
Dude, she was trying
to find you.

1438
01:27:39,200 --> 01:27:41,566
Um, I'm doing laundry,

1439
01:27:41,736 --> 01:27:43,601
so you want to...

1440
01:27:45,040 --> 01:27:46,667
Yeah.

1441
01:27:49,377 --> 01:27:51,242
I'll use the delicate cycle.

1442
01:27:51,413 --> 01:27:52,243
Thanks.

1443
01:27:54,883 --> 01:27:55,907
Don't look.

1444
01:27:56,585 --> 01:27:58,712
- Don't flatter yourself.
- Shut up.

1445
01:28:03,258 --> 01:28:04,623
No peeking.

1446
01:28:06,695 --> 01:28:07,889
Are those owls?

1447
01:28:09,097 --> 01:28:10,291
Penguins.

1448
01:28:11,466 --> 01:28:12,956
Told you not to look.

1449
01:28:13,134 --> 01:28:14,396
Sorry.

1450
01:29:29,010 --> 01:29:32,537
Sometimes you have to watch
somebody love something...

1451
01:29:34,282 --> 01:29:36,477
before you can love it yourself.

1452
01:29:42,223 --> 01:29:44,555
Penny loves Jesus.

1453
01:29:44,726 --> 01:29:46,660
My dad loves jazz.

1454
01:29:46,828 --> 01:29:49,353
He told me jazz is like life,

1455
01:29:49,531 --> 01:29:51,499
because it doesn't resolve.

1456
01:29:52,534 --> 01:29:55,298
And he gave me his record
collection to prove it.

1457
01:30:00,075 --> 01:30:04,341
But I've been listening
to those records over and over,

1458
01:30:04,512 --> 01:30:07,310
and every time I put on
Coltrane's A Love Supreme,

1459
01:30:07,482 --> 01:30:12,419
I could swear I hear something
my father says isn't there.

1460
01:30:12,587 --> 01:30:14,077
I hear a resolution.

1461
01:30:16,825 --> 01:30:18,417
Resolution,

1462
01:30:18,593 --> 01:30:21,562
the final element in story.

1463
01:30:21,730 --> 01:30:24,995
I know not everybody hears
the universe this way,

1464
01:30:25,166 --> 01:30:26,895
but what if Penny's right?

1465
01:30:27,068 --> 01:30:32,700
What if God is trying
to compose something?

1466
01:30:32,874 --> 01:30:37,277
What if all these stars
are notes on a page of music,

1467
01:30:37,445 --> 01:30:40,243
swirling in the blue like jazz?

1468
01:31:01,870 --> 01:31:02,928
Hey, Mom.

1469
01:31:03,104 --> 01:31:05,766
Don, is that you?

1470
01:31:06,808 --> 01:31:10,209
I'm glad you called, Mom.
How are you?

1471
01:31:10,779 --> 01:31:14,613
Some of you have come
a long way to get here,

1472
01:31:14,783 --> 01:31:18,583
and I'm talking about
a geography of the heart.

1473
01:31:18,753 --> 01:31:23,554
But what you're looking for
is bigger than any church,

1474
01:31:23,725 --> 01:31:26,125
so this is the time in the service

1475
01:31:26,294 --> 01:31:28,455
when we get out of the way

1476
01:31:28,630 --> 01:31:31,292
so that you can speak to God directly...

1477
01:31:32,901 --> 01:31:36,166
and hopefully hear God speak to you.

1478
01:31:48,983 --> 01:31:50,951
Thought you were in Kashmir.

1479
01:31:51,119 --> 01:31:53,087
I got as far as Los Angeles,

1480
01:31:53,254 --> 01:31:55,984
and the embassy
stopped issuing visas.

1481
01:31:58,326 --> 01:32:00,817
Did you ever call your mom?

1482
01:32:01,996 --> 01:32:03,156
She said to give you a hug.

1483
01:32:03,331 --> 01:32:04,923
Amen.

1484
01:32:07,669 --> 01:32:10,502
The peace of the Lord
be always with you.

1485
01:32:10,672 --> 01:32:13,300
And also with you.

1486
01:32:57,652 --> 01:33:00,485
Right this way, Your Eminence.

1487
01:33:04,058 --> 01:33:07,050
Well, you look reasonably sober.

1488
01:33:07,228 --> 01:33:08,593
Yeah, you know.

1489
01:33:08,763 --> 01:33:10,094
Try it on.

1490
01:33:19,540 --> 01:33:21,508
Sweet.

1491
01:33:21,676 --> 01:33:23,268
All right, sit down.

1492
01:33:23,444 --> 01:33:26,038
And according to tradition,

1493
01:33:26,214 --> 01:33:27,681
I am to be your first confession,

1494
01:33:27,849 --> 01:33:30,079
so let's see.

1495
01:33:31,552 --> 01:33:34,350
Oh, I stole a condom
out of The Virgin's wallet.

1496
01:33:34,522 --> 01:33:36,080
Last night while he was passed out.

1497
01:33:36,257 --> 01:33:39,192
I figured he wasn't really
gonna be using it, so...

1498
01:33:40,728 --> 01:33:43,754
This is the part
where I say you're forgiven?

1499
01:33:43,932 --> 01:33:47,060
Uh-huh. Are you sure
you're up for this?

1500
01:33:47,235 --> 01:33:48,224
It's hard shoes to fill.

1501
01:33:48,403 --> 01:33:49,392
You were a well-loved Pope.

1502
01:33:49,570 --> 01:33:51,936
Ah. Kiss-ass.

1503
01:33:52,106 --> 01:33:56,042
Well, I'm going to leave you
to your flock.

1504
01:33:56,210 --> 01:33:58,644
Some of us are heading out
to the Grand Canyon in the morning

1505
01:33:58,813 --> 01:34:00,440
for a little, uh, summer trip,

1506
01:34:00,615 --> 01:34:03,106
so, um, I won't be seeing you.

1507
01:34:03,284 --> 01:34:06,378
Have a good time.
Congrats on graduating.

1508
01:34:06,554 --> 01:34:08,454
Yeah, well,

1509
01:34:08,623 --> 01:34:11,751
nine years well spent.

1510
01:34:13,561 --> 01:34:14,550
Hey.

1511
01:34:15,663 --> 01:34:18,826
Um, I forgot to ask you something.

1512
01:34:19,968 --> 01:34:23,301
Can you come back in just a minute?

1513
01:34:34,615 --> 01:34:37,015
I need to say...

1514
01:34:37,185 --> 01:34:38,743
I'm sorry.

1515
01:34:40,688 --> 01:34:42,019
Sorry for what?

1516
01:34:43,958 --> 01:34:47,086
I'm sorry for what might have
happened to you

1517
01:34:47,261 --> 01:34:49,855
when you were younger.

1518
01:34:50,431 --> 01:34:51,830
The priest.

1519
01:34:53,601 --> 01:34:55,159
I don't know.

1520
01:34:55,336 --> 01:34:56,928
I'm just sorry.

1521
01:34:59,307 --> 01:35:01,605
I have no idea what you're talking about.

1522
01:35:01,776 --> 01:35:04,267
Can... Can you just sit back down?

1523
01:35:19,961 --> 01:35:22,623
There's a lot you don't know about me.

1524
01:35:25,233 --> 01:35:28,498
I come out of this subculture

1525
01:35:28,669 --> 01:35:32,298
that believes in God

1526
01:35:32,473 --> 01:35:34,498
and Jesus, the whole deal.

1527
01:35:34,675 --> 01:35:37,803
I came here to escape it,

1528
01:35:37,979 --> 01:35:39,970
because I was ashamed of it.

1529
01:35:41,482 --> 01:35:45,179
Well, you've done a hell of a job.
I'm very proud of you.

1530
01:35:46,687 --> 01:35:50,487
But it turns out that
I'm not just ashamed

1531
01:35:50,658 --> 01:35:53,388
of my strange church

1532
01:35:53,561 --> 01:35:56,655
or its political views

1533
01:35:56,831 --> 01:35:58,924
or all the hypocrites.

1534
01:36:03,504 --> 01:36:05,495
I'm ashamed of Jesus.

1535
01:36:08,009 --> 01:36:09,499
Is this gonna get weird?

1536
01:36:09,677 --> 01:36:11,076
Yeah, probably.

1537
01:36:13,114 --> 01:36:15,082
But that's the point.

1538
01:36:15,249 --> 01:36:20,619
I-I'm ashamed of Jesus
because I want you to like me.

1539
01:36:20,788 --> 01:36:23,188
I want you to think I'm smart

1540
01:36:23,357 --> 01:36:26,849
or sophisticated or whatever.

1541
01:36:27,028 --> 01:36:33,263
It's like Jesus is the geek
in the cafeteria sitting by himself,

1542
01:36:33,434 --> 01:36:36,528
and I'm the guy pretending
he's not my friend.

1543
01:36:37,371 --> 01:36:39,464
Miller, we're both tired.

1544
01:36:40,241 --> 01:36:42,402
You're The Pope now.
Do with it what you want.

1545
01:36:42,577 --> 01:36:43,771
That's not what I'm saying.

1546
01:36:43,945 --> 01:36:46,971
I'm talking to you as a person.

1547
01:36:51,319 --> 01:36:52,809
You and I both hate

1548
01:36:52,987 --> 01:36:54,648
those people who think they can do
whatever they want

1549
01:36:54,822 --> 01:36:56,380
because God is on their side, right?

1550
01:36:57,825 --> 01:36:58,917
Well, I'm apologizing,

1551
01:36:59,093 --> 01:37:03,553
because I'm the same as they are.

1552
01:37:04,632 --> 01:37:06,930
All that stuff in the Bible

1553
01:37:07,101 --> 01:37:08,568
about feeding the poor,

1554
01:37:08,736 --> 01:37:10,727
I've never done any of that.

1555
01:37:12,240 --> 01:37:14,970
God tells us to love everybody.

1556
01:37:15,143 --> 01:37:17,111
I've hated people...

1557
01:37:17,278 --> 01:37:19,678
my family,

1558
01:37:19,847 --> 01:37:22,782
folks back home I don't agree with,

1559
01:37:22,950 --> 01:37:24,611
idiot pastors.

1560
01:37:24,785 --> 01:37:27,754
I... I hated 'em

1561
01:37:27,922 --> 01:37:31,255
because I thought they made me
look like a fool.

1562
01:37:32,994 --> 01:37:39,092
I've spent the school year
trying to ditch God.

1563
01:37:41,702 --> 01:37:43,169
But I can't.

1564
01:37:45,039 --> 01:37:47,837
It's like He's following me around.

1565
01:37:50,378 --> 01:37:52,676
I'm confessing to you

1566
01:37:52,847 --> 01:37:55,782
that I'm tired of being a hypocrite

1567
01:37:55,950 --> 01:37:57,975
and a coward.

1568
01:38:00,821 --> 01:38:02,379
I need you to forgive me.

1569
01:38:06,827 --> 01:38:08,226
Do you forgive me?

1570
01:38:10,631 --> 01:38:13,122
I wouldn't know what
to forgive you for.

1571
01:38:13,301 --> 01:38:16,896
Do you forgive me
for misrepresenting God?

1572
01:38:17,071 --> 01:38:19,130
He isn't like me.

1573
01:38:19,307 --> 01:38:21,639
He isn't... He isn't afraid,

1574
01:38:21,809 --> 01:38:24,505
and He isn't a coward,
and He isn't a hypocrite,

1575
01:38:24,679 --> 01:38:26,237
and He isn't like
that messed-up priest

1576
01:38:26,414 --> 01:38:28,405
who raped you
when you were a kid.

1577
01:38:29,917 --> 01:38:32,477
I should have told you that
a long time ago.

1578
01:38:33,521 --> 01:38:35,580
Will you forgive me?

1579
01:39:03,251 --> 01:39:04,582
Yeah.

1580
01:39:08,789 --> 01:39:10,416
I forgive you.

1581
01:39:21,936 --> 01:39:24,097
It's good, Miller,

1582
01:39:24,272 --> 01:39:26,365
what you're doing.

1583
01:39:26,540 --> 01:39:28,132
It's a start.

1584
01:39:28,309 --> 01:39:30,209
You know, if everybody
out there in that line

1585
01:39:30,378 --> 01:39:31,367
gets the same treatment I did,

1586
01:39:31,545 --> 01:39:33,570
you are in for a long night.

1587
01:39:33,748 --> 01:39:36,774
Yeah, well,
so much to apologize for.

1588
01:39:36,951 --> 01:39:39,044
Maybe I'll start with the Crusades...

1589
01:39:39,220 --> 01:39:40,448
Yeah.

1590
01:39:40,621 --> 01:39:42,816
Then work my way through
to U.S. foreign policy.

1591
01:39:43,724 --> 01:39:44,713
Yeah.

1592
01:39:44,892 --> 01:39:46,883
You're gonna be here a while.

1593
01:39:56,070 --> 01:39:58,402
You really believe in all this stuff?

1594
01:40:01,309 --> 01:40:03,243
I think...

1595
01:40:06,113 --> 01:40:07,444
I do.

1596
01:40:18,959 --> 01:40:20,426
Then...

1597
01:40:24,498 --> 01:40:26,159
Dominus vobiscum.

1598
01:40:31,872 --> 01:40:32,861
My man.

1599
01:40:42,650 --> 01:40:46,051
Hey, guys, you are not
gonna want to miss this.

1600
01:40:46,220 --> 01:40:47,881
Come on, come on.
I'm sure that we got

1601
01:40:48,055 --> 01:40:49,317
a free space in line for you.

1602
01:40:49,490 --> 01:40:50,684
Hey, what's up?

1603
01:40:50,858 --> 01:40:52,348
Everybody in line,
saints and sinners.

1604
01:40:52,526 --> 01:40:54,858
Hey, hey, there's a line, man.

1605
01:41:07,908 --> 01:41:11,241
I have something to confess.

1606
01:41:12,880 --> 01:41:14,905
- Your, uh...
- Wait.

1607
01:41:16,350 --> 01:41:18,079
I'm going first.

1608
01:41:19,305 --> 01:41:25,346
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