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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
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00:01:01,959 --> 00:01:05,303
Do you remember the first time
your husband saw you naked?
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Do you remember what it felt like?
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Do you remember what he felt like?
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- Holy motherfuckin' fuck!
- Oh, my God!
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- Holy fuck!
- Oh, my God!
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- Again?
- Fuck, yeah.
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Now, this might be a little harder.
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Do you remember the second time
your husband saw you naked?
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Annie, you coming?
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- We're gonna be late.
- Wake up, sleepyhead!
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- Annie!
- Shit.
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Hey, guys. I totally overslept.
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- Okay. Well, you can meet us.
- Okay. That sounds...
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- I saw your butt. Just standin' there.
- Did you?
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I never seen your butt before.
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I had no choice.
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We accidentally left the door open.
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I mean, can you even imagine a world where
you accidentally leave the door open?
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I love fucking you.
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I fucking love you.
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For Jay and I,
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the next few months were a blur
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of constant naked, sweaty,
ugly, amazing sex.
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Okay. I got it.
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Oh, God!
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I'll probably be pretty hungry after this.
It's been a while since I've eaten.
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I can make you a sandwich.
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We could probably make a burrito
out of shit we have here.
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Okay.
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No!
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Holy Mary, mother of...
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And let's face it.
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The erections.
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Oh, God. Do you
remember the erections?
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Erections everywhere.
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If the Wind blew.
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If he ate certain foods.
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If he watched any movie.
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If he got sleepy.
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If he woke up.
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Good morning.
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Sometimes, I swear his erection knew
I was in the area before Jay did.
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Annie?
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Everywhere we went, everything we did,
was another opportunity to have sex.
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Do you think we should
be doing this right here?
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Baby, honestly, I don't think
anyone can tell what's happening.
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It's not that it was just sex.
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But we knew that there was always
more sex just around the corner.
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Then, it happened.
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Dad.
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Mom.
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Jay and I have some big news.
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We're in love. We're pregnant
and we're getting married.
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- Come again?
- Honey, wait. What?
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- Are you sure?
- Yeah. I took the test three times.
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No, honey. No, I mean, are you
sure that now is the right time?
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You're both very, very young and
who knows what the future holds?
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Greg?
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Jay.
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Yeah. Where are you from again?
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Mr. and Mrs. Grovner,
I know that we just met.
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But when I first met Annie,
I knew that she was the one.
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And so I think,
once you get to know me,
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you're gonna feel a lot better about
this moment than you do right now
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because I really love your daughter.
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I love you.
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Oh, boy.
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Well, goodbye, sex.
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- Dad!
- Walt.
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- What?
- What?
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- They're not right, are they?
- No, of course not.
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I don't think.
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- We're not too young?
- Oh, we're young. You know?
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But we definitely know each other.
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Greg, right?
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Yes, I'm Greg.
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Look, here's what
I think. They're right.
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We don't know what the future holds.
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But I also think that whatever
the world throws at us,
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let's deal with it, right?
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- Yeah.
- You know?
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But what about the sex part?
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Are you still gonna wanna have sex with me
even when I am big and fat and pregnant,
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and then later when I'm
somebody's mother?
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- Yeah! Yeah.
- Really?
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Babe, my dick can see the future.
That's why we call it Nostracockus.
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What about you? Are you gonna
wanna have sex with me?
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Yes, I'm gonna wanna
have sex with you.
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- Yeah?
- Yes!
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Do you know why I'm gonna
wanna have sex with you?
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- My butt?
- Because of your butt, babe.
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We promised ourselves
nothing would change.
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That we wouldn't let it.
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And even though it was
awkward sometimes,
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we made it work.
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If you could just turn
a little bit more
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- to the right.
- Yep.
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I think we're good.
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That's... I'm maxed out.
My stomach's in the way.
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You know what? I'm gonna grab boob.
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Yeah, just be careful. They're really
sensitive. And not in a good way.
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- Got it. Very gently grabbin' boob.
- Okay, gently.
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And here comes the penis.
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That's gonna be the name of my album.
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We were determined.
And often, successful.
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Then came the event.
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Motherfucker!
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You're doing an amazing job, babe.
You're doing great!
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Tell her she's doing great!
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He's crowning, if you'd like to see.
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Yeah.
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Wow!
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That is one incredibly
versatile hole.
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You're tellin' me.
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From that moment on,
everything was completely different.
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No two ways about it.
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I'll be back.
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Not that we didn't try.
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Got it.
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And if one made it difficult,
two made it almost impossible.
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Honey,
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let's try to have sex next weekend
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when my mom comes
over for lunch, okay?
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I'm gonna do you like a fucking...
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Now, do you remember the last
time your husband saw you naked?
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- Jay.
- Yeah.
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I need a little help here.
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I may be late for my thing
if I don't get in here
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and take a shower right away.
Can we switch places?
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You know, don't even think about it.
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The big question is, how the
hell do you get it back?
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All right, guys! Let's get goin'!
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Clive, if you wanna wear your uniform,
you gotta get changed, bud.
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One minute. This is really important.
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What are you workin' on?
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It's my video yearbook presentation
for graduation on Monday.
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That is super impressive, man.
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- Where'd you learn how to do that?
- It's really easy, Dad.
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Hey, save it as something other
than "Video 1" for me, will ya?
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It's fine. It's Video 1.
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Hey, Clive. I asked you
to do something, right?
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Don't condescend to me.
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It's time to go to school.
I'll meet you in the car.
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Nell, are you ready?
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Later.
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- All right, gang! Let's go!
- Wait, honey. Hold on!
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I'm going!
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I'm going, too!
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Mommy packed me two kinds of
sandwiches. Jelly and peanut butter.
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- Yes, honey.
- Wow.
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Bye, honey. Good luck with your game.
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- Good luck at work!
- Thanks, baby.
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Clive, buckle up
your sister, will ya?
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- Honey, did you pack all of her stuff?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
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Don't forget to stop by and grab...
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Light bulbs. I am on top of it. Hey.
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It's gonna go great.
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God, is this actually happening?
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Am I gonna sell the blog for money?
Like, real money? Is that possible?
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It would be amazing. For everything.
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Dad, I can't be late again!
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- Yes! I'll be right there, guys!
- Let's go!
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Yes, Clive! I heard...
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Is it just me or is the big
one becoming kind of a dick?
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Don't say that. Seriously, babe.
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No, I'm just sayin'
he's acting like a dick.
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00:09:02,439 --> 00:09:03,958
Don't say that.
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00:09:03,959 --> 00:09:05,678
Hey, we should have
sex sometime soon.
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- I would love that.
- Yeah, me, too.
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Maybe Thursday.
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00:09:08,839 --> 00:09:10,918
Fantastic. 'Cause it feels
like it's been a long time.
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- It has, right?
- Yeah.
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The last time was when we got those
towels from Bed Bath & Beyond.
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- That's right. That was a while ago.
- Yeah, the linen sale.
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Look, we can't talk
about this right now,
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because we both have someplace to be.
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Not the right time. Gotta get goin'.
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It's just been so hard to find
the moment with the kids.
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At the end of the day,
we're just both so exhausted.
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- Just tell me about it.
- You know?
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00:09:26,279 --> 00:09:29,478
Maybe one of these nights, we'll have sex
instead of watching Project Runway.
183
00:09:29,479 --> 00:09:31,158
We'll TiVo Project Runway.
184
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That's probably why they invented TiVo.
So people could have sex.
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Daddy? I still don't get it.
186
00:09:38,199 --> 00:09:43,398
Why do we keep having all of these days?
And then, going to bed at night?
187
00:09:43,399 --> 00:09:46,158
And then, having all of these days?
188
00:09:46,159 --> 00:09:48,821
And then, going to bed at night?
189
00:09:48,919 --> 00:09:52,158
Well, that's sort of what life is.
190
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:54,468
When will it end?
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It won't.
192
00:09:56,399 --> 00:09:59,300
- Well, it'll end when we die.
- Don't do that, buddy. Okay?
193
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:04,038
Won't I get bored of doing this
stuff again and again and again?
194
00:10:04,039 --> 00:10:05,198
No.
195
00:10:05,199 --> 00:10:07,189
But you and Mommy are bored.
196
00:10:08,199 --> 00:10:10,278
Well, that's what
happens with marriage.
197
00:10:10,279 --> 00:10:11,780
Who are you?
198
00:10:14,639 --> 00:10:17,824
Dad, Nell's doing it again.
199
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:21,230
Nell, get your finger
out of your butt.
200
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:23,702
Is anyone gonna clean her finger?
201
00:10:24,719 --> 00:10:26,358
Hey! Stop! No!
202
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:27,878
- Nell!
- No. Stop.
203
00:10:27,879 --> 00:10:29,998
- Do you mind if I join you?
- I don't mind!
204
00:10:29,999 --> 00:10:32,198
No! Stop. Stop!
205
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:36,478
As you know, Piper Brothers is the world's
number one toy and child product brand
206
00:10:36,479 --> 00:10:39,718
in the zero-to-four age
range for over 50 years.
207
00:10:39,719 --> 00:10:42,038
We're looking to bring Piper
Brothers into the future.
208
00:10:42,039 --> 00:10:45,678
And a big part of that is developing
the Piper Brothers online community
209
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:48,158
in a way that's befitting
of the Piper Brothers name.
210
00:10:48,159 --> 00:10:49,638
But also in a way that says,
211
00:10:49,639 --> 00:10:51,903
"This is not your grandfather's
Piper Brothers."
212
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:54,158
But in order for us to do
that, we need content.
213
00:10:54,159 --> 00:10:56,518
Hey, everybody! Annie!
214
00:10:56,519 --> 00:10:57,758
- Hi.
- Hank Rosenbaum.
215
00:10:57,759 --> 00:10:59,838
Such a pleasure. Thank you so much.
216
00:10:59,839 --> 00:11:01,758
I've heard so much about you.
217
00:11:01,759 --> 00:11:03,238
- Please, sit down.
- Thank you.
218
00:11:03,239 --> 00:11:07,266
Can I get you anything? Coffee?
Finger sandwich? Sliced pineapple?
219
00:11:07,279 --> 00:11:09,781
No, no. I'm fine
with just water. Thanks.
220
00:11:10,079 --> 00:11:12,558
Well, I just wanna stick
my head in and say hi
221
00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:14,638
and to tell you that I'm a
big fan of what you do.
222
00:11:14,639 --> 00:11:16,758
Thanks. That's really nice to hear.
223
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:19,638
We think you have brand potential.
The model Piper Brothers mother.
224
00:11:19,639 --> 00:11:20,918
We really believe in you.
225
00:11:20,919 --> 00:11:24,184
And I always say that belief is
the only metric that matters.
226
00:11:24,439 --> 00:11:27,278
We didn't bring you here to wow
you with incredible numbers
227
00:11:27,279 --> 00:11:31,678
because numbers are really just an
algorithm for passion and values.
228
00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:33,718
It's like I was telling
my wife, Schlomit,
229
00:11:33,719 --> 00:11:37,746
I think I found the voice
of Piper Brothers' values.
230
00:11:40,879 --> 00:11:42,038
Thanks!
231
00:11:42,039 --> 00:11:45,429
Are you sure we can't get you a finger
sandwich or a slice of pineapple?
232
00:11:47,559 --> 00:11:48,878
I'm okay.
233
00:11:48,879 --> 00:11:52,198
There are certain content
guidelines we'd like to discuss.
234
00:11:52,199 --> 00:11:53,878
- How do you mean?
- Little things.
235
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:57,158
"Do you remember the first time
your husband saw you naked?"
236
00:11:57,159 --> 00:11:58,318
Right.
237
00:11:58,319 --> 00:12:01,158
"The erections? Do you
remember the erections?"
238
00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:03,998
- No, I remember that part.
- "Erections everywhere."
239
00:12:03,999 --> 00:12:05,638
That's an unusual post for me.
240
00:12:05,639 --> 00:12:07,638
It's a great post. I enjoyed it.
241
00:12:07,639 --> 00:12:09,718
But what we're looking for from you
242
00:12:09,719 --> 00:12:12,878
is your authentic, wholesome voice.
243
00:12:12,879 --> 00:12:15,558
It's the kind of content that Piper
Brothers mothers are so hungry for.
244
00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:20,030
Look, I love being a mother.
And I love writing about it.
245
00:12:20,319 --> 00:12:22,438
Well, we will make you
a meaningful proposal.
246
00:12:22,439 --> 00:12:24,270
And we're very excited.
247
00:12:25,039 --> 00:12:26,825
Should we have some pineapple?
248
00:12:28,479 --> 00:12:30,998
We can have someone
get you some pineapple.
249
00:12:30,999 --> 00:12:33,278
Band's coming to the Los
Angeles area tomorrow.
250
00:12:33,279 --> 00:12:36,158
Meantime, here's the new single.
It's called Spank Me.
251
00:12:36,159 --> 00:12:40,158
I swear to you, man.
I think I am in love with this girl.
252
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:41,678
- Max, that's big news.
- Yeah.
253
00:12:41,679 --> 00:12:44,958
It's, like, we... I don't know.
We just connect.
254
00:12:44,959 --> 00:12:49,518
Like, we have these really long, like,
super intense conversations. You know?
255
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:53,038
About religion, and snowboarding.
256
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:55,318
And then, like, out of nowhere,
257
00:12:55,319 --> 00:12:58,220
she'll just text me her boobs.
258
00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:01,701
She just texted you a picture
of her boobs out of the blue?
259
00:13:01,719 --> 00:13:03,638
Oh, buddy. Good for you.
260
00:13:03,639 --> 00:13:05,718
- Enjoy this time.
- Thank you, dude.
261
00:13:05,719 --> 00:13:06,918
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
262
00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:08,838
I once sent Annie a
picture of my dick.
263
00:13:08,839 --> 00:13:11,910
She was at a PTA meeting.
It was horrible.
264
00:13:11,999 --> 00:13:14,661
- Did you go full dick?
- Yeah. I...
265
00:13:15,519 --> 00:13:18,558
For a man, I feel like it's dick or...
That's kind of your only option.
266
00:13:18,559 --> 00:13:19,718
Yeah, I avoid my dick.
267
00:13:19,719 --> 00:13:23,382
I usually just do, like,
you know, the sexier parts of me.
268
00:13:23,999 --> 00:13:25,918
Like, part bag, part leg.
269
00:13:25,919 --> 00:13:28,958
You know? I'll go undercarriage. So...
270
00:13:28,959 --> 00:13:31,638
I'll have my friend, Doug, come over
and we'll just knock it out real fast.
271
00:13:31,639 --> 00:13:34,558
Your friend comes over and
takes a picture of your balls?
272
00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:36,198
Yeah. Yeah. You know Doug, right?
273
00:13:36,199 --> 00:13:37,758
- Your neighbor?
- Yeah.
274
00:13:37,759 --> 00:13:39,558
He's actually a really
good photographer.
275
00:13:39,559 --> 00:13:40,678
He works from home.
276
00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:41,758
- And, so...
- Hey, guys.
277
00:13:41,759 --> 00:13:43,358
- Hey, Rosie.
- Hello, Rosie.
278
00:13:43,359 --> 00:13:46,838
- New iPads are here.
- Thank you. I have been waiting for these.
279
00:13:46,839 --> 00:13:49,078
- How many of those things do you have?
- Two at a time.
280
00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:51,078
One for new music.
One for back catalogue.
281
00:13:51,079 --> 00:13:53,838
I have this complicated syncing
system, but it works out.
282
00:13:53,839 --> 00:13:56,560
- Well, what do you do with the old ones?
- I just give 'em as gifts.
283
00:13:58,999 --> 00:14:01,118
- Hey, babe. How'd it go?
- They wanna buy it!
284
00:14:01,119 --> 00:14:03,638
That's amazing! What did they say?
Did they make an offer?
285
00:14:03,639 --> 00:14:04,758
They're going to.
286
00:14:04,759 --> 00:14:07,078
They said it would be "meaningful."
Whatever that means.
287
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:09,278
I think that means a lot of money.
288
00:14:09,279 --> 00:14:10,798
- Right?
- I know!
289
00:14:10,799 --> 00:14:12,158
Well, we have to celebrate.
290
00:14:12,159 --> 00:14:14,078
Slow down. They haven't
made the offer yet.
291
00:14:14,079 --> 00:14:16,118
They're going to.
And that's reason to celebrate.
292
00:14:16,119 --> 00:14:17,958
I can get Sam to cover me tonight.
What do you wanna do?
293
00:14:17,959 --> 00:14:20,118
I don't know. Should we take
the kids somewhere fun?
294
00:14:20,119 --> 00:14:22,109
Like pizza and roller
skating or something?
295
00:14:23,399 --> 00:14:26,948
Totally! I can't wait.
I'll see you in a couple hours.
296
00:14:27,599 --> 00:14:30,261
Okay, hon. Love you.
297
00:14:39,119 --> 00:14:41,278
- Hello?
- Hey, Mom.
298
00:14:41,279 --> 00:14:42,798
What's wrong, honey?
299
00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,638
Nothing's wrong.
300
00:14:44,639 --> 00:14:46,823
What are you doing tonight?
301
00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:54,985
All right, who's ready
for some roller skating?
302
00:14:55,319 --> 00:14:57,059
Annie?
303
00:14:57,479 --> 00:14:59,981
Clive? Nelly?
304
00:15:01,399 --> 00:15:03,424
Annie, you here?
305
00:15:06,319 --> 00:15:08,583
All right.
306
00:15:08,639 --> 00:15:10,664
Hello.
307
00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:18,118
Hey.
308
00:15:18,119 --> 00:15:19,478
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
309
00:15:19,479 --> 00:15:20,518
Where are the kids?
310
00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:21,918
They're at my mom's.
311
00:15:21,919 --> 00:15:23,838
They are? I thought that we
were gonna go down to the...
312
00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:26,660
Holy shit! Wow!
313
00:15:27,519 --> 00:15:29,180
Hi.
314
00:15:29,239 --> 00:15:30,518
Wow. Look at you.
315
00:15:30,519 --> 00:15:32,558
- Too much?
- No, it's great.
316
00:15:32,559 --> 00:15:33,838
I was thinking...
317
00:15:33,839 --> 00:15:36,023
Yeah! Yes!
318
00:15:36,479 --> 00:15:38,078
The kids, how long are they...
319
00:15:38,079 --> 00:15:40,707
- They're sleepin' over.
- Yes!
320
00:15:40,839 --> 00:15:43,103
'Cause I was thinking that...
321
00:15:44,159 --> 00:15:47,678
Maybe we could celebrate,
just the two of us.
322
00:15:47,679 --> 00:15:48,878
I get it.
323
00:15:48,879 --> 00:15:53,038
That's a great idea. This is, like,
the best idea you've ever had.
324
00:15:53,039 --> 00:15:54,958
You look amazing.
325
00:15:54,959 --> 00:15:58,558
Do you own these underwear?
'Cause I've never seen those before.
326
00:15:58,559 --> 00:15:59,598
Come on.
327
00:15:59,599 --> 00:16:03,501
This is so exciting.
I'm so excited right now.
328
00:16:08,479 --> 00:16:09,718
And now you're on the bed.
329
00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:11,958
This is great. I love
where this is headed.
330
00:16:11,959 --> 00:16:13,998
Your narrating, it's so hot.
331
00:16:13,999 --> 00:16:15,838
She said, encouragingly.
332
00:16:15,839 --> 00:16:18,878
Get over here and take these
roller skates off of me.
333
00:16:18,879 --> 00:16:21,302
I love it when you talk that
way about your roller skates.
334
00:16:24,799 --> 00:16:26,380
Double knot.
335
00:16:27,679 --> 00:16:29,419
Okay.
336
00:16:39,239 --> 00:16:40,278
Here, maybe...
337
00:16:40,279 --> 00:16:42,144
- No, no, no, I got it.
- Okay.
338
00:16:49,879 --> 00:16:52,347
Okay, that should do it.
339
00:16:52,559 --> 00:16:54,185
And a-one...
340
00:16:58,039 --> 00:16:59,745
Fuck!
341
00:17:02,399 --> 00:17:05,470
That got a lot less hot
real quick, didn't it?
342
00:17:20,799 --> 00:17:23,905
- Should we continue?
- Yes.
343
00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:28,798
- Babe. That was like...
- Toothy.
344
00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:30,918
- Okay, just relax.
- Do I not seem relaxed?
345
00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:32,558
No, I mean both of us.
What I'm talking about.
346
00:17:32,559 --> 00:17:34,998
- We'll both relax. We'll just relax.
- If we both relaxed, it'd be good.
347
00:17:34,999 --> 00:17:36,830
Just...
348
00:17:49,759 --> 00:17:51,438
Sorry. I'm sorry.
349
00:17:51,439 --> 00:17:54,998
- I don't know. I just got in my head a little bit.
- What is happening with us right now?
350
00:17:54,999 --> 00:17:58,821
- It was just weird for a second. I'm sorry.
- Okay, it's fine. Here's what we're gonna do.
351
00:17:59,239 --> 00:18:00,838
- All right.
- Here we go.
352
00:18:00,839 --> 00:18:02,989
- Let's do this thing.
- It's on.
353
00:18:09,999 --> 00:18:12,158
- What?
- We have hit boob.
354
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:14,598
We've got a man on second base.
355
00:18:14,599 --> 00:18:16,598
It's a baseball term but it also
means touching your boob.
356
00:18:16,599 --> 00:18:19,261
I know what it means.
Why don't we go to third.
357
00:18:28,159 --> 00:18:29,678
What?
358
00:18:29,679 --> 00:18:31,038
What?
359
00:18:31,039 --> 00:18:32,878
Too much in my own head.
360
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,198
I think I've been dreaming
about this moment for so long
361
00:18:35,199 --> 00:18:37,478
- when we could, like, drop everything
- Yeah.
362
00:18:37,479 --> 00:18:40,078
- And just properly schtup.
- Right, right.
363
00:18:40,079 --> 00:18:43,758
Instead of when you're like, half
conscious and can't resist, you know?
364
00:18:43,759 --> 00:18:45,198
You think I wanna resist?
365
00:18:45,199 --> 00:18:47,198
Of course I know that
you wanna have sex.
366
00:18:47,199 --> 00:18:50,358
Sometimes I just wonder if you
wanna have sex that much.
367
00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:53,118
I do. I do wanna have sex that much.
368
00:18:53,119 --> 00:18:54,918
But sometimes I just
feel like you're tired
369
00:18:54,919 --> 00:18:57,038
you know, you're tired
or you're stressed out.
370
00:18:57,039 --> 00:18:58,118
- And maybe...
- Me?
371
00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:00,878
I don't know, I wonder sometimes if
you're still, you know, attracted to me.
372
00:19:00,879 --> 00:19:03,278
Are you kidding?
You're a fuckin' sexpot.
373
00:19:03,279 --> 00:19:04,558
You think I'm a sexpot?
374
00:19:04,559 --> 00:19:05,798
Instant boner.
375
00:19:05,799 --> 00:19:07,558
That's what I always say about you.
376
00:19:07,559 --> 00:19:10,665
My wife, instant boner-giver.
377
00:19:12,439 --> 00:19:14,828
Tell me more about
this boner of yours.
378
00:19:15,199 --> 00:19:16,638
He's a good guy.
379
00:19:16,639 --> 00:19:18,550
Proud. Strong.
380
00:19:18,759 --> 00:19:20,306
Great sense of humor.
381
00:19:21,599 --> 00:19:23,669
Let's go fuck on the kitchen floor.
382
00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:26,099
There he is.
383
00:19:29,759 --> 00:19:31,260
You comin'?
384
00:19:41,119 --> 00:19:43,078
I'm so glad that I mopped yesterday.
385
00:19:43,079 --> 00:19:44,705
Yeah, totally.
386
00:19:45,439 --> 00:19:49,261
Honey? Babe, babe, honey.
387
00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:50,678
Do you wanna go somewhere else?
388
00:19:50,679 --> 00:19:53,078
My God, thank God you said something.
389
00:19:53,079 --> 00:19:55,838
My knees hurt, like, really bad.
They really hurt.
390
00:19:55,839 --> 00:19:59,229
I know. My tailbone is killing
me and I can see my to-do list.
391
00:20:00,639 --> 00:20:02,318
- Should we try the couch?
- Yeah.
392
00:20:02,319 --> 00:20:04,238
- Sex on the couch, of course, yeah.
- Let's go.
393
00:20:04,239 --> 00:20:05,740
Let's go.
394
00:20:14,199 --> 00:20:16,588
- It'll just be a minute.
- Okay.
395
00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:25,664
- No.
- No?
396
00:20:31,079 --> 00:20:32,278
Do you have allergies?
397
00:20:32,279 --> 00:20:34,358
Yeah, all week.
I've had allergies all week.
398
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,305
- It's 'cause of the pressure change.
- Is that what it is?
399
00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:52,878
- This used to totally work, remember?
- Totally work.
400
00:20:52,879 --> 00:20:56,030
This was like my move.
You loved this.
401
00:21:01,199 --> 00:21:02,838
Shit, man!
402
00:21:02,839 --> 00:21:04,398
- What is happening?
- It's okay.
403
00:21:04,399 --> 00:21:06,998
Is it possible that we have somehow
forgotten how to have sex?
404
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:09,278
- Do not say that.
- Because we used to be great at this.
405
00:21:09,279 --> 00:21:10,678
Yeah, we were. We were.
406
00:21:10,679 --> 00:21:14,023
I was like Shaquille O'Neal in the sack.
I had that kind of game.
407
00:21:14,679 --> 00:21:16,758
- What?
- Shaquille O'Neal's a weird comparison.
408
00:21:16,759 --> 00:21:18,078
I'm just trying to say
409
00:21:18,079 --> 00:21:19,958
- that I was a dominant player.
- Yeah, I know.
410
00:21:19,959 --> 00:21:22,078
- I would've gone with Derek Fisher for you.
- Derek Fisher?
411
00:21:22,079 --> 00:21:24,078
- What? He's a great player.
- Okay.
412
00:21:24,079 --> 00:21:26,038
- I feel like we're tryin' to say
the same thing. - Okay.
413
00:21:26,039 --> 00:21:28,118
- You were like LeBron James.
- Thanks, honey.
414
00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:31,907
We were like Derek Fisher and
LeBron James having sex.
415
00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:33,918
I'm saying we were world-class.
416
00:21:33,919 --> 00:21:36,183
And now, what is happening?
417
00:21:37,079 --> 00:21:40,549
I don't know. I mean, we're older.
418
00:21:41,399 --> 00:21:42,558
We're parents.
419
00:21:42,559 --> 00:21:44,238
Yeah, but we're not dead!
420
00:21:44,239 --> 00:21:46,398
I still think about sex all the time.
421
00:21:46,399 --> 00:21:49,158
I know. I use your computer.
422
00:21:49,159 --> 00:21:51,478
- The porn.
- Yeah.
423
00:21:51,479 --> 00:21:53,718
You and I used to watch
porn together all the time.
424
00:21:53,719 --> 00:21:55,518
I still watch porn
every once in a while.
425
00:21:55,519 --> 00:21:56,998
- You do?
- Yeah.
426
00:21:56,999 --> 00:21:59,638
But the quality of writing
has really gone downhill.
427
00:21:59,639 --> 00:22:02,318
I like it best when it feels
like they're really in love.
428
00:22:02,319 --> 00:22:04,518
Yeah, I feel like we're getting
different things out of porn.
429
00:22:04,519 --> 00:22:05,558
Maybe.
430
00:22:05,559 --> 00:22:08,038
I just watch it for the
naked women having sex.
431
00:22:08,039 --> 00:22:11,145
And the porn guys don't
get in the way or anything?
432
00:22:11,159 --> 00:22:15,220
Don't even see 'em.
They're completely invisible to me.
433
00:22:15,519 --> 00:22:17,589
Should we watch some porn?
434
00:22:19,799 --> 00:22:21,558
Just feels kind of depressing.
435
00:22:21,559 --> 00:22:23,106
Yeah.
436
00:22:23,919 --> 00:22:26,038
Do we have any of that tequila left?
437
00:22:26,039 --> 00:22:27,478
That's a good idea.
438
00:22:27,479 --> 00:22:29,078
- That's a really good idea.
- Right.
439
00:22:29,079 --> 00:22:32,718
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
We are gonna drink some tequila.
440
00:22:32,719 --> 00:22:35,238
We're gonna pull ourselves
out of this sad little moment
441
00:22:35,239 --> 00:22:36,758
that we're having and after that...
442
00:22:36,759 --> 00:22:40,518
We're gonna be Derek Fisher
and LeBron fucking James.
443
00:22:40,519 --> 00:22:41,958
That's exactly what we're gonna do.
444
00:22:41,959 --> 00:22:45,463
I'm gonna call my mom and make
sure the kids went to sleep okay.
445
00:22:56,439 --> 00:22:57,798
Hey.
446
00:22:57,799 --> 00:22:59,278
Hey.
447
00:22:59,279 --> 00:23:02,558
Yeah. I just got that today.
I'm super excited about it.
448
00:23:02,559 --> 00:23:06,078
It's got a higher-resolution display,
which means more pixels,
449
00:23:06,079 --> 00:23:07,878
and they upgraded the camera.
450
00:23:07,879 --> 00:23:11,158
- What?
- I just had this idea.
451
00:23:11,159 --> 00:23:13,468
All right. Let's hear it.
452
00:23:14,879 --> 00:23:16,824
Let's make a porn.
453
00:23:17,319 --> 00:23:18,820
Excuse me?
454
00:23:19,719 --> 00:23:23,507
Let's video ourselves having sex.
455
00:23:28,159 --> 00:23:30,558
- Absolutely. Yeah, totally.
- Really?
456
00:23:30,559 --> 00:23:33,678
Yeah. The more I think about
it, yes, that's a great idea.
457
00:23:33,679 --> 00:23:37,758
- I think it's kind of hot, right?
- Babe, I think that is a great idea.
458
00:23:37,759 --> 00:23:38,918
Here, cheers.
459
00:23:38,919 --> 00:23:40,318
Look at us. Annie and Jay.
460
00:23:40,319 --> 00:23:43,278
Send the kids off to Grandma's
house, make a little porn.
461
00:23:43,279 --> 00:23:44,838
- Mazeltov.
- To porn.
462
00:23:44,839 --> 00:23:46,420
Chug it.
463
00:23:49,999 --> 00:23:51,500
I mean, drink to that.
464
00:23:53,799 --> 00:23:55,118
Yeah.
465
00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:57,478
We don't even have to watch
it if we don't want to.
466
00:23:57,479 --> 00:23:59,629
Or we could. Either way.
467
00:23:59,679 --> 00:24:01,544
Okay, honey,
468
00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:03,478
what's our storyline?
469
00:24:03,479 --> 00:24:04,558
- Story?
- Yeah.
470
00:24:04,559 --> 00:24:05,878
- I'm not sure the story's that important.
- Yeah.
471
00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:07,460
Come on.
472
00:24:07,999 --> 00:24:09,864
I have another idea.
473
00:24:09,999 --> 00:24:11,838
Well, I would like to hear that idea.
474
00:24:11,839 --> 00:24:14,158
- Because you're clearly in the zone.
- This is it.
475
00:24:14,159 --> 00:24:15,958
This is what we're gonna do.
476
00:24:15,959 --> 00:24:17,358
The Joy of Sex.
477
00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:20,158
- We still have that.
- Every position, right now.
478
00:24:20,159 --> 00:24:22,318
I like that. I like that a lot.
479
00:24:22,319 --> 00:24:25,220
- Every single one?
- Yep. We're not gonna skip one.
480
00:24:25,479 --> 00:24:27,198
- Even...
- Yeah. Even that.
481
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:29,428
- Yes!
- But also...
482
00:24:29,639 --> 00:24:31,318
Totally. It's in the book.
483
00:24:31,319 --> 00:24:33,478
And we'll video the whole thing.
484
00:24:33,479 --> 00:24:36,061
You're a genius. No,
I married a genius.
485
00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:39,198
I need another drink.
I need to be drunker.
486
00:24:39,199 --> 00:24:40,638
Okay.
487
00:24:40,639 --> 00:24:42,584
- Here I go.
- Get here. Okay.
488
00:24:43,679 --> 00:24:45,419
Action.
489
00:24:50,239 --> 00:24:52,638
- Hello.
- Hi.
490
00:24:52,639 --> 00:24:56,158
And welcome to Annie and Jay's,
491
00:24:56,159 --> 00:24:57,918
A Night With Annie and Jay.
492
00:24:57,919 --> 00:25:00,238
I'm Jay and this is my
lovely wife, Annie.
493
00:25:00,239 --> 00:25:04,425
And tonight, we intend to
demonstrate every position
494
00:25:04,599 --> 00:25:05,998
in The Joy of Sex.
495
00:25:05,999 --> 00:25:08,118
Are you speaking to
our students, honey?
496
00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:10,587
Why, yes, I am, Annie.
497
00:25:11,399 --> 00:25:14,358
And this is our dojo.
498
00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:15,678
Our sex dojo.
499
00:25:15,679 --> 00:25:17,238
Our sex dojo. That's right.
500
00:25:17,239 --> 00:25:19,198
Annie, the book, please.
501
00:25:19,199 --> 00:25:20,838
Here you go, Professor.
502
00:25:20,839 --> 00:25:22,625
Thank you, Annie.
503
00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:24,666
Well.
504
00:25:24,719 --> 00:25:26,678
Wow. Wow. Okay.
505
00:25:26,679 --> 00:25:29,278
- Look at that bush.
- Well, look at his bush.
506
00:25:29,279 --> 00:25:32,749
- I'm talking about his bush.
- Is that still his bush?
507
00:25:32,799 --> 00:25:36,078
I can't tell where her
bush ends and his begins.
508
00:25:36,079 --> 00:25:38,741
People were furrier in the '70s.
509
00:25:40,759 --> 00:25:43,626
- "Matrimonial."
- That's right. Wow.
510
00:25:44,279 --> 00:25:45,798
Matrimonial.
511
00:25:45,799 --> 00:25:48,278
Can we start with something
other than missionary?
512
00:25:48,279 --> 00:25:51,758
Absolutely. We can loop
back around to missionary.
513
00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:53,598
- Right.
- It's not goin' anywhere.
514
00:25:53,599 --> 00:25:56,500
Okay, close your eyes, my dear.
515
00:25:56,919 --> 00:25:58,989
- Say "stop" when I...
- Stop!
516
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:01,878
"Flanquette."
517
00:26:01,879 --> 00:26:03,718
Flanquette!
518
00:26:03,719 --> 00:26:05,718
That is what I'm talkin' about.
519
00:26:05,719 --> 00:26:06,878
- I feel good about this one.
- Me, too.
520
00:26:06,879 --> 00:26:07,998
Okay. So you see what's happening?
521
00:26:07,999 --> 00:26:09,318
- That's my leg.
- Yeah, okay.
522
00:26:09,319 --> 00:26:11,278
- But that's your leg.
- Okay.
523
00:26:11,279 --> 00:26:13,438
- So, it's like...
- Yep. All right.
524
00:26:13,439 --> 00:26:15,589
- Let's do this. Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
525
00:26:20,799 --> 00:26:22,238
What?
526
00:26:22,239 --> 00:26:25,106
- Come here. Come here.
- Okay, here we go.
527
00:26:25,399 --> 00:26:27,424
- Hi.
- Hi.
528
00:26:30,159 --> 00:26:31,678
- Okay, ready? Okay.
- Yeah.
529
00:26:31,679 --> 00:26:33,180
- Go.
- Go.
530
00:26:39,999 --> 00:26:42,918
- You're amazing at that.
- Really?
531
00:26:42,919 --> 00:26:44,518
- My gosh.
- Still?
532
00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:45,798
Are you kidding me?
533
00:26:45,799 --> 00:26:48,038
You were like a machine.
534
00:26:48,039 --> 00:26:50,518
Like a battering ram.
535
00:26:50,519 --> 00:26:52,180
Thank you.
536
00:26:52,439 --> 00:26:54,358
- Honey?
- Yeah?
537
00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:57,146
Erase that video, okay?
538
00:26:57,479 --> 00:26:58,518
Yeah.
539
00:26:58,519 --> 00:27:00,878
I don't want the kids to ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever...
540
00:27:00,879 --> 00:27:02,518
No, I'll erase it. No worries.
541
00:27:02,519 --> 00:27:06,068
- You don't forget, okay?
- I won't forget.
542
00:27:07,999 --> 00:27:10,661
I love fucking you.
543
00:27:10,999 --> 00:27:13,388
I fucking love you.
544
00:27:27,799 --> 00:27:30,063
No! No, not my own son!
545
00:27:42,399 --> 00:27:45,918
So as long as we get them both down
for their second naps by 2:00-ish,
546
00:27:45,919 --> 00:27:47,918
then the nighttime
is a little better.
547
00:27:47,919 --> 00:27:51,078
Yeah, if we don't get them down
by 2:00-ish we're totally fucked.
548
00:27:51,079 --> 00:27:53,318
"Totally fucked." That's nice.
549
00:27:53,319 --> 00:27:54,798
This is just an expression.
550
00:27:54,799 --> 00:27:57,238
- How else would you describe this?
- I would describe this as...
551
00:27:57,239 --> 00:27:58,878
- Super fucked?
- ...a gift of life. You're welcome.
552
00:27:58,879 --> 00:28:00,558
You guys are bouncing the
shit out of those babies.
553
00:28:00,559 --> 00:28:02,078
You're bouncing 'em hard.
554
00:28:02,079 --> 00:28:03,358
You guys are doing great.
555
00:28:03,359 --> 00:28:04,918
It's getting a lot easier, though.
556
00:28:04,919 --> 00:28:06,958
We're seeing the light at
the end of the tunnel.
557
00:28:06,959 --> 00:28:09,758
- Yeah.
- You guys should have seen us a month ago.
558
00:28:09,759 --> 00:28:11,278
I don't even know who I was then.
559
00:28:11,279 --> 00:28:13,278
Oh, my God. These are the salad days.
560
00:28:13,279 --> 00:28:16,198
Yeah, it sounds really
intense, but you got it!
561
00:28:16,199 --> 00:28:17,678
So, are you guys
thinking of having more?
562
00:28:17,679 --> 00:28:19,305
No.
563
00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:24,278
Isn't it crazy that the boys are
graduating fourth grade? Isn't that crazy?
564
00:28:24,279 --> 00:28:27,198
And Howard is graduating fifth grade.
When did that happen?
565
00:28:27,199 --> 00:28:29,798
Since when did kids graduate
from fourth and fifth grade?
566
00:28:29,799 --> 00:28:33,798
It used to be school just ended.
There wasn't a ceremony for everything.
567
00:28:33,799 --> 00:28:35,118
- Just...
- Ignore him.
568
00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:36,638
- I will.
- Yeah.
569
00:28:36,639 --> 00:28:39,798
- I love your blog, by the way.
- Thank you.
570
00:28:39,799 --> 00:28:41,798
Do you think Piper Brothers
is gonna go for it?
571
00:28:41,799 --> 00:28:43,300
Fingers crossed.
572
00:28:43,959 --> 00:28:45,638
Hey, good people.
573
00:28:45,639 --> 00:28:48,221
- Hi, honey. Hi.
- Hello, you. Hi.
574
00:28:50,759 --> 00:28:53,990
- You're really wet. Look at you.
- Yeah. I should go put on some dry clothes.
575
00:28:54,119 --> 00:28:56,238
I'm gonna come with you
576
00:28:56,239 --> 00:28:58,558
'cause we gotta talk
about that... About...
577
00:28:58,559 --> 00:28:59,838
- The thing.
- Yes, the thing.
578
00:28:59,839 --> 00:29:01,958
Totally. We have to
talk about a thing.
579
00:29:01,959 --> 00:29:03,158
Thank you.
580
00:29:03,159 --> 00:29:05,707
Jesus. Kill me.
581
00:29:06,679 --> 00:29:08,998
Hey. Hello, pal.
582
00:29:08,999 --> 00:29:10,678
- Gentlemen.
- Hey, Howie.
583
00:29:10,679 --> 00:29:12,180
It's Howard.
584
00:29:12,599 --> 00:29:14,749
Just Howard.
585
00:29:14,999 --> 00:29:16,158
Sorry.
586
00:29:16,159 --> 00:29:17,998
You know what? I just
gave up a Super Soaker.
587
00:29:17,999 --> 00:29:19,910
Why don't you get in there, bud?
588
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:22,278
- Maybe I will.
- Yeah.
589
00:29:22,279 --> 00:29:25,350
- I do enjoy Super Soakers.
- Yeah!
590
00:29:25,519 --> 00:29:27,998
You can see the difference
in personalities already.
591
00:29:27,999 --> 00:29:30,158
This one loves watermelon.
592
00:29:30,159 --> 00:29:32,158
This one's kind of an asshole.
593
00:29:32,159 --> 00:29:34,438
I think everyone had fun, right?
594
00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:36,078
Totally. It was great.
595
00:29:36,079 --> 00:29:37,705
What about Punit and Kia?
596
00:29:38,599 --> 00:29:40,118
Kinda hate each other, right?
597
00:29:40,119 --> 00:29:42,621
Sure seemed like it, yeah.
598
00:29:45,799 --> 00:29:47,869
"Enjoyed your video"?
599
00:30:13,199 --> 00:30:15,747
Where's the pizza cutter?
600
00:30:16,639 --> 00:30:19,790
Babe, do you see the pizza
cutter out there anywhere?
601
00:30:22,039 --> 00:30:23,540
Yes?
602
00:30:24,079 --> 00:30:25,580
Jay.
603
00:30:26,399 --> 00:30:28,742
Jay, the pizza cutter?
604
00:30:34,399 --> 00:30:35,878
It's yours.
605
00:30:35,879 --> 00:30:37,824
I have so many of them. Enjoy.
606
00:30:43,399 --> 00:30:45,663
Fuck me.
607
00:30:47,039 --> 00:30:50,224
- Honey, are there any more plates outside?
- Just a second.
608
00:31:00,039 --> 00:31:03,065
- Hello!
- Hi!
609
00:31:05,679 --> 00:31:07,590
Hello!
610
00:31:09,439 --> 00:31:10,598
Hello!
611
00:31:10,599 --> 00:31:12,464
- Honey...
- Fuck!
612
00:31:14,639 --> 00:31:17,380
That sweater nice, girl.
613
00:31:17,599 --> 00:31:19,225
Thanks.
614
00:31:22,279 --> 00:31:24,224
Was it... Did I...
615
00:31:25,119 --> 00:31:26,620
Could...
616
00:31:33,439 --> 00:31:35,862
What the hell is going on?
617
00:31:38,159 --> 00:31:39,660
It's...
618
00:31:42,159 --> 00:31:43,740
When...
619
00:31:51,319 --> 00:31:53,503
You know the cloud?
620
00:31:53,839 --> 00:31:54,878
So what you're saying
621
00:31:54,879 --> 00:31:57,118
is that instead of erasing the video
like you said that you would,
622
00:31:57,119 --> 00:31:58,838
you actually ended up sending it
623
00:31:58,839 --> 00:32:02,838
to everyone that you ever given
one of those fucking iPads to?
624
00:32:02,839 --> 00:32:05,078
- That is not at all what happened.
- No?
625
00:32:05,079 --> 00:32:07,678
Well, technically, yes!
It's exactly what happened.
626
00:32:07,679 --> 00:32:11,308
But it was so accidental,
it doesn't even qualify as...
627
00:32:13,199 --> 00:32:14,358
Thank you.
628
00:32:14,359 --> 00:32:15,438
Hank Rosenbaum!
629
00:32:15,439 --> 00:32:17,318
- What?
- The Piper Brothers guy!
630
00:32:17,319 --> 00:32:19,838
- You gave him one?
- Yes! I told you I needed one for work.
631
00:32:19,839 --> 00:32:22,678
- I put my entire presentation on it.
- You did?
632
00:32:22,679 --> 00:32:26,318
I'm supposed to be the model
Piper Brothers mother!
633
00:32:26,319 --> 00:32:28,158
Maybe he hasn't seen it yet.
634
00:32:28,159 --> 00:32:30,598
As a matter of fact, Annie, I'm willing
to bet that none of these people
635
00:32:30,599 --> 00:32:32,798
have even noticed that
the video is on there yet.
636
00:32:32,799 --> 00:32:34,380
Except for this text, but...
637
00:32:36,159 --> 00:32:37,718
What text?
638
00:32:37,719 --> 00:32:39,558
I received a text.
639
00:32:39,559 --> 00:32:42,221
- From who?
- It's unclear.
640
00:32:47,679 --> 00:32:50,198
I'm not sure how to hurt
you right now, Jay.
641
00:32:50,199 --> 00:32:52,878
- I know. But let's take a deep breath.
- Shit!
642
00:32:52,879 --> 00:32:55,878
Come sit down next to me.
Come sit down. Come here.
643
00:32:55,879 --> 00:32:59,478
- Let's look at what's actually happened.
- Okay.
644
00:32:59,479 --> 00:33:00,878
We made a video
645
00:33:00,879 --> 00:33:03,518
of ourselves having sex
646
00:33:03,519 --> 00:33:04,918
for about three hours,
647
00:33:04,919 --> 00:33:06,398
and it was amazing, right?
648
00:33:06,399 --> 00:33:07,918
- Yeah, no, it was great.
- Okay.
649
00:33:07,919 --> 00:33:10,878
And then you asked me
to erase it and I forgot.
650
00:33:10,879 --> 00:33:12,998
- You forgot?
- I forgot.
651
00:33:12,999 --> 00:33:18,221
And now our video has been
synced to several devices.
652
00:33:18,319 --> 00:33:21,158
All of which, though, are basically
in the possession of friends.
653
00:33:21,159 --> 00:33:22,918
- God.
- And acquaintances.
654
00:33:22,919 --> 00:33:24,580
And the mailman.
655
00:33:24,719 --> 00:33:25,918
Oh, God!
656
00:33:25,919 --> 00:33:28,558
- Who sent you that text, Jay?
- I don't know. I don't know, Annie.
657
00:33:28,559 --> 00:33:29,918
Did you call the number?
658
00:33:29,919 --> 00:33:33,038
That is actually a really good idea.
659
00:33:33,039 --> 00:33:35,268
Oh, my God.
660
00:33:37,239 --> 00:33:39,548
Your call has been forwarded...
661
00:33:40,239 --> 00:33:42,264
- Voice mail!
- Okay!
662
00:33:42,919 --> 00:33:45,262
Hi, this is Jay Hargrove.
663
00:33:45,279 --> 00:33:48,758
Could you give me a call back at
your earliest convenience, please?
664
00:33:48,759 --> 00:33:51,865
I believe you have the number. Bye.
665
00:33:53,799 --> 00:33:54,918
That's it?
666
00:33:54,919 --> 00:33:56,478
What the hell else was I
supposed to say to the guy?
667
00:33:56,479 --> 00:33:58,278
"Who the fuck is this?"
668
00:33:58,279 --> 00:34:00,638
I wouldn't call back if someone
left that on my machine.
669
00:34:00,639 --> 00:34:04,143
Okay, we have to get
these iPads back right now.
670
00:34:05,759 --> 00:34:06,838
Hello?
671
00:34:06,839 --> 00:34:08,638
- Hi, Mom!
- Hi, honey.
672
00:34:08,639 --> 00:34:10,798
Is there any chance
that you might be able
673
00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:13,638
to come and watch the kids
for us, like, right away?
674
00:34:13,639 --> 00:34:14,798
Right now?
675
00:34:14,799 --> 00:34:16,558
We really need you to,
like, right away
676
00:34:16,559 --> 00:34:18,038
if you could come over.
677
00:34:18,039 --> 00:34:19,638
Why, I suppose.
678
00:34:19,639 --> 00:34:21,758
- Thanks, Mom. That's so great. Thanks.
- Annie.
679
00:34:21,759 --> 00:34:22,918
Hold on a second. What?
680
00:34:22,919 --> 00:34:25,023
It might be worth asking your mom
681
00:34:25,279 --> 00:34:26,878
to bring her iPad.
682
00:34:26,879 --> 00:34:28,983
Are you kidding me?
683
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:31,318
And could you bring your iPad, too?
684
00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:33,278
- My iPad?
- Yeah.
685
00:34:33,279 --> 00:34:34,798
- Okay.
- Great, okay.
686
00:34:34,799 --> 00:34:36,638
- What are you not gonna forget?
- The iPad.
687
00:34:36,639 --> 00:34:39,238
So say goodbye, hang up
and then come right away.
688
00:34:39,239 --> 00:34:40,558
Okay. All right.
689
00:34:40,559 --> 00:34:43,107
- Can you hang up?
- Okay, honey.
690
00:34:43,399 --> 00:34:44,678
Okay, hang up now, Mom.
691
00:34:44,679 --> 00:34:46,158
Okay, say goodbye.
692
00:34:46,159 --> 00:34:47,318
Okay, hang up.
693
00:34:47,319 --> 00:34:49,821
- Bye.
- Okay, bye!
694
00:34:49,999 --> 00:34:52,358
- Who else has these things?
- Let's think about it.
695
00:34:52,359 --> 00:34:55,339
Robby, the mailman...
696
00:34:55,599 --> 00:34:58,078
Every time you say "mailman," Jay,
697
00:34:58,079 --> 00:34:59,318
I'm just gonna hit you.
698
00:34:59,319 --> 00:35:01,638
- You see, it was Christmas...
- I don't give a shit.
699
00:35:01,639 --> 00:35:05,985
Mailman, Robby, Hank,
my mother, and who else?
700
00:35:07,639 --> 00:35:08,758
Oh, my God!
701
00:35:08,759 --> 00:35:09,838
Clive?
702
00:35:09,839 --> 00:35:11,758
- May I see that for a second, honey?
- Why?
703
00:35:11,759 --> 00:35:13,878
- Just for a second.
- I was using that!
704
00:35:13,879 --> 00:35:16,198
- What the hell?
- I can't take any chances.
705
00:35:16,199 --> 00:35:18,144
Okay, kid! Come on, Jay!
706
00:35:18,519 --> 00:35:21,198
Grandma's here for some
mysterious reason!
707
00:35:21,199 --> 00:35:24,638
Oh, my gosh! Is that the iPad
I gave you? I love that iPad.
708
00:35:24,639 --> 00:35:26,638
- Can I borrow it?
- Why is Grandma here?
709
00:35:26,639 --> 00:35:29,038
- Grandma!
- Grandma!
710
00:35:29,039 --> 00:35:30,558
Okay. Grandma's gonna watch you guys
711
00:35:30,559 --> 00:35:33,558
while Mommy and Daddy go out.
You guys can order Chinese food.
712
00:35:33,559 --> 00:35:35,198
- I hate Chinese food.
- Okay. Then order a pizza.
713
00:35:35,199 --> 00:35:38,398
Once again, enjoy this iPad. I had to
make sure it was working. Enjoy that.
714
00:35:38,399 --> 00:35:40,918
- Let's go! Thank you.
- What about my iPad?
715
00:35:40,919 --> 00:35:42,545
Thank you.
716
00:35:45,839 --> 00:35:50,518
Man. The construction on these
things is just unbelievable.
717
00:35:50,519 --> 00:35:52,198
Jay! Come on, Jay, let's go!
718
00:35:52,199 --> 00:35:53,638
Let's go to Robby and
Tess' house first! Let's go!
719
00:35:53,639 --> 00:35:55,584
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Sorry! Got it!
720
00:35:58,399 --> 00:36:00,238
So I'm just trying to understand
721
00:36:00,239 --> 00:36:03,878
why it is that you don't erase these
things before you give them to people.
722
00:36:03,879 --> 00:36:06,678
I have amazing playlists and
people want them. That's the gift.
723
00:36:06,679 --> 00:36:08,238
The gift is the playlist,
not the iPad.
724
00:36:08,239 --> 00:36:11,758
When I update my music library,
it syncs to their iPads.
725
00:36:11,759 --> 00:36:14,558
I use an app called Frankensync
to sync the playlists.
726
00:36:14,559 --> 00:36:18,078
I upgraded to this new app,
Bride of Frankensync,
727
00:36:18,079 --> 00:36:21,558
and now, apparently,
it syncs all of my shit
728
00:36:21,559 --> 00:36:24,238
to everywhere 'cause it's
a very powerful app!
729
00:36:24,239 --> 00:36:27,518
How do you forget to
erase your sex tape?
730
00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:31,518
It kept slipping my mind and then,
the next thing I knew, it went up!
731
00:36:31,519 --> 00:36:33,078
It went up to the cloud!
732
00:36:33,079 --> 00:36:34,598
And you can't get it
down from the cloud?
733
00:36:34,599 --> 00:36:36,260
Nobody understands the cloud!
734
00:36:36,399 --> 00:36:38,230
It's a fucking mystery!
735
00:36:38,799 --> 00:36:42,958
Look, all that's happened here is there's
been a very minor syncing mishap.
736
00:36:42,959 --> 00:36:44,278
This is not minor!
737
00:36:44,279 --> 00:36:46,798
And I wish that you would
just admit that you fucked up
738
00:36:46,799 --> 00:36:49,558
instead of trying to convince
me that this isn't a big deal
739
00:36:49,559 --> 00:36:51,238
'cause it is a big deal.
740
00:36:51,239 --> 00:36:52,638
You know what, Annie?
741
00:36:52,639 --> 00:36:54,078
I'm on there, too.
742
00:36:54,079 --> 00:36:57,958
Who gives a shit? Nobody cares about you.
Nobody wants to watch you having sex.
743
00:36:57,959 --> 00:37:00,318
You said it yourself.
Nobody cares about the guy!
744
00:37:00,319 --> 00:37:03,140
It's the woman that has
to live with it forever.
745
00:37:03,879 --> 00:37:06,358
- Who is it?
- "Guess who?" Smiley face.
746
00:37:06,359 --> 00:37:07,985
- Who the fuck is this?
- Fuck!
747
00:37:08,719 --> 00:37:11,478
It's gotta be Tess.
It's gotta be Tess.
748
00:37:11,479 --> 00:37:12,998
- You think?
- Yeah!
749
00:37:12,999 --> 00:37:16,478
With the whole "XOXO smiley
face" thing? Yeah. It's Tess.
750
00:37:16,479 --> 00:37:18,158
Right, is that really a Tess thing,
751
00:37:18,159 --> 00:37:21,238
or is that more of like a
very, very common thing?
752
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:22,958
No, it's a Tess thing.
753
00:37:22,959 --> 00:37:24,918
She must just be joking around.
754
00:37:24,919 --> 00:37:28,118
Except her number is in my
phone so it would say, "Tess."
755
00:37:28,119 --> 00:37:30,598
Well, maybe she got a new phone.
756
00:37:30,599 --> 00:37:33,998
She probably saw what it was and
stopped watching it immediately
757
00:37:33,999 --> 00:37:36,478
because she has so much
respect for our privacy.
758
00:37:36,479 --> 00:37:38,278
This makes perfect sense.
759
00:37:38,279 --> 00:37:39,918
Right. Okay.
760
00:37:39,919 --> 00:37:41,918
Okay, great. It's Tess.
761
00:37:41,919 --> 00:37:43,358
- I'd buy it.
- Yeah.
762
00:37:43,359 --> 00:37:45,518
She picks up the iPad,
sees there's a sex tape on there,
763
00:37:45,519 --> 00:37:48,398
pushes play, it's us,
immediately stopped it,
764
00:37:48,399 --> 00:37:50,198
- 'cause she respects us.
- Yes.
765
00:37:50,199 --> 00:37:52,078
Then she went out and got a new
phone and a new phone number.
766
00:37:52,079 --> 00:37:53,158
Yeah.
767
00:37:53,159 --> 00:37:54,598
So do you think that means
Robby has seen it, too?
768
00:37:54,599 --> 00:37:56,838
Well, if he's seen it, you're gonna
have to get a new best friend.
769
00:37:56,839 --> 00:37:59,198
We're just gonna cut Robby
and Tess out of our lives?
770
00:37:59,199 --> 00:38:03,146
Yeah, that's right. And if the
mailman has seen it, we're movin'.
771
00:38:10,039 --> 00:38:12,278
Wait. What if it's not Tess?
772
00:38:12,279 --> 00:38:15,238
Okay, look. We're just gonna feel this
out, and if it doesn't seem like it's her,
773
00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:17,238
- we just don't say anything at all. Okay?
- Of course.
774
00:38:17,239 --> 00:38:19,678
No, no. They do not need
to know about this. Okay?
775
00:38:19,679 --> 00:38:23,661
Babe, it's gonna be pretty easy
to tell if they've seen it or not.
776
00:38:30,799 --> 00:38:31,958
Hey!
777
00:38:31,959 --> 00:38:33,718
- Hey.
- Hey!
778
00:38:33,719 --> 00:38:35,220
What's going on?
779
00:38:36,319 --> 00:38:37,945
What's going on with you?
780
00:38:38,079 --> 00:38:41,230
Nothing. Nothing. Just hanging out.
781
00:38:41,479 --> 00:38:45,318
It's our anniversary, actually,
so Marta took Howard to a movie
782
00:38:45,319 --> 00:38:49,904
and we're just hanging out,
watching some...
783
00:38:50,559 --> 00:38:52,718
Hey! What are you guys doing here?
784
00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:54,238
- Hey.
- Hey.
785
00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:58,438
We're so sorry to drop by like
this on your anniversary and all.
786
00:38:58,439 --> 00:39:01,590
Yeah, why didn't you guys mention
it was your anniversary?
787
00:39:02,079 --> 00:39:04,558
- 'Cause it's our 12th anniversary?
- Yeah.
788
00:39:04,559 --> 00:39:08,238
Like, who cares, right? So...
789
00:39:08,239 --> 00:39:09,900
You guys wanna come in?
790
00:39:14,879 --> 00:39:16,380
Or not.
791
00:39:17,399 --> 00:39:19,185
What were you guys watching?
792
00:39:25,119 --> 00:39:27,518
This is really embarrassing.
793
00:39:27,519 --> 00:39:29,198
Just tell us what you
guys were watching.
794
00:39:29,199 --> 00:39:31,622
- Yeah. It's not a big deal.
- What were you watching?
795
00:39:33,439 --> 00:39:34,878
Okay, all right, all right.
796
00:39:34,879 --> 00:39:36,718
We're watching the first
season of Breaking Bad.
797
00:39:36,719 --> 00:39:39,638
It's really embarrassing
how far behind we are.
798
00:39:39,639 --> 00:39:42,638
That's a great show.
You guys really are far behind.
799
00:39:42,639 --> 00:39:43,958
- That's all right.
- Don't tell us what happens!
800
00:39:43,959 --> 00:39:46,998
Hey, while we're here,
remember that iPad I gave you?
801
00:39:46,999 --> 00:39:48,546
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
802
00:39:48,799 --> 00:39:50,630
I need that back.
803
00:39:52,279 --> 00:39:54,158
- Okay.
- Was that why you...
804
00:39:54,159 --> 00:39:57,981
Is that why you came here to our
house, to get your iPad back?
805
00:39:59,159 --> 00:40:00,899
Well...
806
00:40:02,319 --> 00:40:06,346
- I have some stuff on it that I need.
- What? Dirty pictures or something?
807
00:40:06,479 --> 00:40:08,743
You guys make a sex tape?
808
00:40:09,119 --> 00:40:10,984
Did you guys watch it?
809
00:40:13,679 --> 00:40:15,624
I was kidding.
810
00:40:16,479 --> 00:40:18,822
What the fuck?
811
00:40:19,159 --> 00:40:21,478
And then Jay received
this text that said,
812
00:40:21,479 --> 00:40:24,918
"Loved your video.
Thanks for sharing. XOXO."
813
00:40:24,919 --> 00:40:26,958
And you thought that was from me?
814
00:40:26,959 --> 00:40:28,318
Well, it sounded like you.
815
00:40:28,319 --> 00:40:31,390
I don't think if I'd seen your sex tape,
I would have done "XOXO."
816
00:40:31,399 --> 00:40:34,558
- I was hoping it was you...
- Because if it wasn't me, then who is it?
817
00:40:34,559 --> 00:40:36,345
No, I get it. I get it.
818
00:40:36,879 --> 00:40:39,347
Could we back up for just a second?
819
00:40:40,239 --> 00:40:41,998
So you taped yourself
having sex for three hours?
820
00:40:41,999 --> 00:40:43,660
Yes.
821
00:40:44,199 --> 00:40:46,144
Why did you do that?
822
00:40:46,639 --> 00:40:47,838
Never mind.
823
00:40:47,839 --> 00:40:50,198
- Who has sex for three hours?
- We did.
824
00:40:50,199 --> 00:40:53,543
That's the length of the movie Lincoln.
You did the full Lincoln.
825
00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:58,027
Well, guys, I'm sorry, you know,
but I'm not the one who sent that text.
826
00:40:58,039 --> 00:41:00,398
God, this isn't happening.
827
00:41:00,399 --> 00:41:02,718
Okay, who else has these things?
828
00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:05,506
You guys, the mailman...
829
00:41:06,199 --> 00:41:07,558
Hank Rosenbaum.
830
00:41:07,559 --> 00:41:09,558
- Piper Brothers guy?
- Yes!
831
00:41:09,559 --> 00:41:10,998
The guy that wants to buy your blog?
832
00:41:10,999 --> 00:41:12,918
And who's very concerned
about my image.
833
00:41:12,919 --> 00:41:13,998
Okay, I'm an idiot!
834
00:41:13,999 --> 00:41:15,598
- No! Come on!
- You messed up.
835
00:41:15,599 --> 00:41:16,758
No.
836
00:41:16,759 --> 00:41:18,198
He is. Let him have that.
837
00:41:18,199 --> 00:41:19,438
I would have killed you.
838
00:41:19,439 --> 00:41:21,398
I mean, if you had thought
about it for a second,
839
00:41:21,399 --> 00:41:23,958
you'd know to just
password-protect your shit.
840
00:41:23,959 --> 00:41:26,438
- I would have killed you in your sleep.
- Or just fucking delete it.
841
00:41:26,439 --> 00:41:28,078
Oh, my God. Wait!
842
00:41:28,079 --> 00:41:29,238
- Wait a minute!
- What?
843
00:41:29,239 --> 00:41:31,038
My sister is his florist!
844
00:41:31,039 --> 00:41:33,318
My God, do you think she
knows where he lives?
845
00:41:33,319 --> 00:41:35,438
Yeah, I think she's been to
his house. She's his florist!
846
00:41:35,439 --> 00:41:36,518
Hold on. What's the plan here?
847
00:41:36,519 --> 00:41:37,878
We're just gonna show
up at this guy's house?
848
00:41:37,879 --> 00:41:39,758
- Yeah!
- And we're coming with you!
849
00:41:39,759 --> 00:41:41,358
Oh, my God. It'll be a fun night!
We have a sitter!
850
00:41:41,359 --> 00:41:43,509
- I'll call Rochelle.
- Yeah!
851
00:41:45,079 --> 00:41:48,478
Hey, my sister thought the every
position thing was a great idea!
852
00:41:48,479 --> 00:41:50,438
You told your sister? What is up?
853
00:41:50,439 --> 00:41:52,918
Big supporter of you.
Well, I thought she'd be thrilled.
854
00:41:52,919 --> 00:41:54,420
Hey.
855
00:41:54,519 --> 00:41:55,598
iPad.
856
00:41:55,599 --> 00:41:59,421
- Yeah, yeah. Boy, what a mess.
- No. Can I have it?
857
00:42:01,679 --> 00:42:04,022
- The iPad.
- Yeah.
858
00:42:04,239 --> 00:42:07,438
- You came over here to get it.
- I need the iPad, please.
859
00:42:07,439 --> 00:42:10,078
- What if I can't get it right now?
- Just give me the iPad.
860
00:42:10,079 --> 00:42:12,278
- What if I just erase the video myself?
- Dude.
861
00:42:12,279 --> 00:42:14,558
Okay. You're gonna have to
give me all that music again.
862
00:42:14,559 --> 00:42:17,426
- Dude!
- Fine! Jeez!
863
00:42:21,519 --> 00:42:23,623
Did you just pull this
out of your pants?
864
00:42:24,879 --> 00:42:26,038
Yeah.
865
00:42:26,039 --> 00:42:27,478
I feel like a second ago,
866
00:42:27,479 --> 00:42:30,186
you said you couldn't
remember where it was.
867
00:42:30,279 --> 00:42:31,985
I forgot.
868
00:42:32,919 --> 00:42:34,659
Fair enough.
869
00:42:34,999 --> 00:42:37,103
- It's an easy mistake to make.
- Okay.
870
00:42:41,959 --> 00:42:44,958
- So, what are we gonna do?
- Yeah. What's the plan, gang?
871
00:42:44,959 --> 00:42:46,998
Should we pretend we have a flat,
872
00:42:46,999 --> 00:42:48,838
and none of us had our cell phones?
873
00:42:48,839 --> 00:42:51,358
We knock. You're like,
"Hank! What a surprise!"
874
00:42:51,359 --> 00:42:55,358
Yes. And then I jump in and I say,
"Hi. I'm your florist's sister, Tess."
875
00:42:55,359 --> 00:42:58,958
Feel like this is just a super weird
way to spend your anniversary.
876
00:42:58,959 --> 00:43:01,478
For a 12th anniversary,
I think it's pretty solid.
877
00:43:01,479 --> 00:43:03,638
You know what? You guys
stay in the car. It's our mess.
878
00:43:03,639 --> 00:43:05,278
We can go clean it up. Right, babe?
879
00:43:05,279 --> 00:43:07,238
I think we'd really like
to be part of the plan.
880
00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:08,638
Let us participate.
881
00:43:08,639 --> 00:43:11,398
Guys, we're gonna be in and out up there.
We're gonna knock on the door.
882
00:43:11,399 --> 00:43:15,665
Yes, it'll be a little awkward at first.
But I really think it'll be fine.
883
00:43:18,399 --> 00:43:19,958
Okay, so this is what we're gonna do.
884
00:43:19,959 --> 00:43:22,478
I'll distract him, you say you
have to go to the bathroom,
885
00:43:22,479 --> 00:43:25,238
and then you search the house
for the iPad. Good? Okay, let's go.
886
00:43:25,239 --> 00:43:28,678
Annie. Annie, can you hold on
one second? That house is huge.
887
00:43:28,679 --> 00:43:30,718
We'll tell him you have diarrhea.
888
00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:32,238
First of all, that's embarrassing.
889
00:43:32,239 --> 00:43:34,718
And second of all, who tells
someone that they have diarrhea?
890
00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:36,038
Food poisoning.
891
00:43:36,039 --> 00:43:38,398
Okay. How about I distract him
and you have the food poisoning?
892
00:43:38,399 --> 00:43:41,038
No. I am not gonna have food poisoning.
You're gonna have food poisoning.
893
00:43:41,039 --> 00:43:44,198
The person who forgets to erase
the sex tape has food poisoning.
894
00:43:44,199 --> 00:43:46,064
It's in the book.
895
00:43:48,639 --> 00:43:50,379
Annie!
896
00:43:50,879 --> 00:43:52,238
Well, I'll be!
897
00:43:52,239 --> 00:43:53,718
Hank? Hey!
898
00:43:53,719 --> 00:43:55,638
- What a surprise.
- This is so crazy.
899
00:43:55,639 --> 00:43:56,838
You live here?
900
00:43:56,839 --> 00:43:59,678
I'm sorry. I'm lost.
You two know each other?
901
00:43:59,679 --> 00:44:01,798
This is Hank, honey. Remember
I was telling you about Hank?
902
00:44:01,799 --> 00:44:03,078
Hank Rosenbaum?
903
00:44:03,079 --> 00:44:04,278
Hank Rosenbaum!
904
00:44:04,279 --> 00:44:05,478
This is my husband, Jay.
905
00:44:05,479 --> 00:44:07,798
Jay. The famous Jay.
906
00:44:07,799 --> 00:44:09,878
In the flesh.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
907
00:44:09,879 --> 00:44:11,158
Likewise.
908
00:44:11,159 --> 00:44:13,758
What a crazy coincidence,
honey. Right?
909
00:44:13,759 --> 00:44:15,638
We were just randomly
in the neighborhood.
910
00:44:15,639 --> 00:44:20,238
We've been knocking on doors trying
to collect money for a charity.
911
00:44:20,239 --> 00:44:21,398
What charity?
912
00:44:21,399 --> 00:44:24,318
- It's for... Charity for...
- For kids.
913
00:44:24,319 --> 00:44:28,478
Yeah, for kids that have oversized...
914
00:44:28,479 --> 00:44:29,838
- Kidneys.
- Kidneys.
915
00:44:29,839 --> 00:44:31,386
They got these
916
00:44:31,479 --> 00:44:33,158
enormous kidneys.
917
00:44:33,159 --> 00:44:34,238
It's so sad.
918
00:44:34,239 --> 00:44:36,238
- You have to see it.
- So we're just trying to help them out.
919
00:44:36,239 --> 00:44:40,585
"Hey, Dad. Da. What is this
bulge in me back, Da?"
920
00:44:41,319 --> 00:44:43,798
"That's your kidney, son.
Get on with it."
921
00:44:43,799 --> 00:44:45,638
They're British orphans.
922
00:44:45,639 --> 00:44:48,598
Yeah, so we're just out to try
to raise some money for it.
923
00:44:48,599 --> 00:44:52,740
Anyhow, would you possibly
want to contribute?
924
00:44:53,359 --> 00:44:56,118
Yes. Please. Come in.
I will get my checkbook.
925
00:44:56,119 --> 00:44:58,718
Thanks. That's just
so generous of you.
926
00:44:58,719 --> 00:45:01,598
Hey, do you think that Jay
could use your bathroom?
927
00:45:01,599 --> 00:45:03,863
Because he has diarrhea.
928
00:45:04,279 --> 00:45:07,066
Food poisoning. He has
the shits, as they say.
929
00:45:07,519 --> 00:45:10,118
Sure, it's right down
the hall. Go crazy.
930
00:45:10,119 --> 00:45:11,620
Thank you.
931
00:45:12,519 --> 00:45:14,998
Well, come on in and make
yourself comfortable.
932
00:45:14,999 --> 00:45:16,580
Thank you.
933
00:45:21,919 --> 00:45:24,278
It's a really lovely house.
934
00:45:24,279 --> 00:45:25,918
Thank you. Put on some music.
935
00:45:25,919 --> 00:45:28,387
Sure.
936
00:45:28,679 --> 00:45:30,624
Shit! Fuck!
937
00:45:31,399 --> 00:45:33,139
What the fuck?
938
00:45:36,119 --> 00:45:38,462
Would you like something to drink?
939
00:45:39,319 --> 00:45:40,478
What?
940
00:45:40,479 --> 00:45:44,700
I'm sorry. Let me turn
this down so we can talk.
941
00:45:45,959 --> 00:45:48,302
Can I get you something to drink?
942
00:45:48,679 --> 00:45:50,078
Sure.
943
00:45:50,079 --> 00:45:53,998
Schlomit and the kids are away,
so I'm just spreading my wings.
944
00:45:53,999 --> 00:45:56,422
Drinking some scotch.
945
00:45:57,079 --> 00:45:59,118
Fifty years old.
946
00:45:59,119 --> 00:46:01,189
The good stuff.
947
00:46:04,839 --> 00:46:07,421
Here's to our bright future together.
948
00:46:07,679 --> 00:46:09,510
Whatever it may hold.
949
00:46:17,399 --> 00:46:21,238
That's a really interesting painting.
950
00:46:21,239 --> 00:46:24,078
- Do you like it?
- Yeah.
951
00:46:24,079 --> 00:46:26,149
I had it commissioned.
952
00:46:26,599 --> 00:46:29,078
It's a moment from the
movie The Lion King.
953
00:46:29,079 --> 00:46:32,158
Except it's me in place of Rafiki.
954
00:46:32,159 --> 00:46:34,627
So, that's me
955
00:46:35,119 --> 00:46:40,580
presenting Simba to all of the creatures
from the Pride Lands to behold.
956
00:46:42,159 --> 00:46:44,158
It's beautiful.
957
00:46:44,159 --> 00:46:45,990
Thank you.
958
00:46:46,119 --> 00:46:47,318
You know what?
959
00:46:47,319 --> 00:46:49,548
I'm gonna put on something
a little more festive.
960
00:47:08,199 --> 00:47:09,746
Hi.
961
00:47:09,919 --> 00:47:12,308
Hey, hey, little guy.
962
00:47:16,439 --> 00:47:17,986
Stay.
963
00:47:18,119 --> 00:47:19,700
Stay!
964
00:47:24,519 --> 00:47:26,145
Sit!
965
00:47:26,519 --> 00:47:30,358
You seem, I don't know, nervous.
966
00:47:30,359 --> 00:47:32,558
It's just a little awkward
showing up at your house
967
00:47:32,559 --> 00:47:34,638
and asking you for a
donation, is all.
968
00:47:34,639 --> 00:47:36,638
I'm glad you're here.
969
00:47:36,639 --> 00:47:39,141
I could use the company.
970
00:47:42,959 --> 00:47:44,585
I know.
971
00:47:58,519 --> 00:48:00,558
No, no, no! Please! No! No!
972
00:48:00,559 --> 00:48:02,158
No! Stay!
973
00:48:02,159 --> 00:48:03,660
Heel!
974
00:48:04,919 --> 00:48:07,638
I was hoping that we would get a
chance to get to know each other.
975
00:48:07,639 --> 00:48:10,638
Me, too. What a
wonderful coincidence.
976
00:48:10,639 --> 00:48:14,143
There's no such thing as coincidence.
That's what Schlomit always says.
977
00:48:14,839 --> 00:48:16,358
Is this your family?
978
00:48:16,359 --> 00:48:18,987
Yeah. That's all of us at Aspen.
979
00:48:19,119 --> 00:48:22,438
There's Schlo and my son,
Benyamin, and Sarah.
980
00:48:22,439 --> 00:48:23,986
They're very sweet.
981
00:48:27,959 --> 00:48:29,358
No! No!
982
00:48:29,359 --> 00:48:30,838
Help!
983
00:48:30,839 --> 00:48:31,998
Hank!
984
00:48:31,999 --> 00:48:34,158
No! Not my face! Not my face!
985
00:48:34,159 --> 00:48:35,660
Help!
986
00:48:48,959 --> 00:48:50,984
I didn't wanna do that.
987
00:48:51,799 --> 00:48:53,598
Fuck with me,
you're gonna get hit by a book.
988
00:48:53,599 --> 00:48:56,181
That's what's gonna happen.
989
00:49:02,479 --> 00:49:05,107
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
990
00:49:07,719 --> 00:49:09,478
You know, it's funny.
991
00:49:09,479 --> 00:49:13,038
When the family's away you find
yourself thinking about things
992
00:49:13,039 --> 00:49:15,758
that you don't think
about all the time.
993
00:49:15,759 --> 00:49:17,038
I bet.
994
00:49:17,039 --> 00:49:20,702
You think about who you were,
and who you've become.
995
00:49:22,399 --> 00:49:24,424
Would you like to do some cocaine?
996
00:49:25,039 --> 00:49:26,398
I'm sorry?
997
00:49:26,399 --> 00:49:28,598
I'm just doin' some blow
while the family's away.
998
00:49:28,599 --> 00:49:30,146
Would you like a bump?
999
00:49:31,479 --> 00:49:34,630
No, I don't think that's really...
1000
00:49:35,119 --> 00:49:36,700
I see.
1001
00:49:36,959 --> 00:49:38,878
I mean, not that I
have a problem with...
1002
00:49:38,879 --> 00:49:41,029
I mean, I do have a...
1003
00:49:41,639 --> 00:49:44,824
Is this some sort... It's a test?
1004
00:49:46,239 --> 00:49:48,238
Okay, I see what's happening here.
1005
00:49:48,239 --> 00:49:51,478
You're thinking about all that
talk about Piper Brothers values.
1006
00:49:51,479 --> 00:49:55,558
But if you think situationally,
friendship is a Piper Brothers value.
1007
00:49:55,559 --> 00:49:56,958
One of the big ones.
1008
00:49:56,959 --> 00:49:58,798
And that's all that's happening here.
1009
00:49:58,799 --> 00:50:01,558
We're just hanging around,
getting to know one other,
1010
00:50:01,559 --> 00:50:03,424
and doin' some rails.
1011
00:50:05,079 --> 00:50:08,025
But if that's not your thing...
1012
00:50:09,479 --> 00:50:11,140
Well...
1013
00:50:11,319 --> 00:50:13,518
Okay. Right.
1014
00:50:13,519 --> 00:50:14,998
Better make sure that Jay's not lost.
1015
00:50:14,999 --> 00:50:17,945
No, no, no! He's fine.
Let's do cocaine!
1016
00:50:18,079 --> 00:50:19,626
Super!
1017
00:50:35,199 --> 00:50:36,780
Shit!
1018
00:50:40,319 --> 00:50:42,025
Are you okay?
1019
00:50:49,279 --> 00:50:52,838
See? That's what I'm saying.
We get older and we forget.
1020
00:50:52,839 --> 00:50:55,798
People, they stop doing
the things that they love.
1021
00:50:55,799 --> 00:50:58,038
And for some people,
it could be surfing.
1022
00:50:58,039 --> 00:51:00,158
For some people,
it could be traveling.
1023
00:51:00,159 --> 00:51:03,718
For me, it's gettin' high and
listen' to freakin' Slayer.
1024
00:51:03,719 --> 00:51:08,678
That just, like, blows my mind
that that's what it is for you.
1025
00:51:08,679 --> 00:51:10,598
- But that's your point.
- That's my point.
1026
00:51:10,599 --> 00:51:12,598
'Cause it's so small-minded of me
1027
00:51:12,599 --> 00:51:14,278
- to assume anything.
- Right?
1028
00:51:14,279 --> 00:51:15,878
- Because I don't know you.
- You don't know me.
1029
00:51:15,879 --> 00:51:17,838
- I don't know you. Yeah.
- You know the idea of me.
1030
00:51:17,839 --> 00:51:19,758
The CEO that controls your future.
1031
00:51:19,759 --> 00:51:21,078
- But that's not me.
- No.
1032
00:51:21,079 --> 00:51:23,718
And it's like you, I'm sure there are
things about you that nobody knows.
1033
00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:25,238
Fuck yeah, there are.
1034
00:51:25,239 --> 00:51:27,423
- Can I show you something?
- Yeah!
1035
00:51:29,039 --> 00:51:33,305
Piper Brothers, 75 years.
But very few people know about that.
1036
00:51:33,999 --> 00:51:35,739
And there's more.
1037
00:51:37,999 --> 00:51:39,546
Eazy-E!
1038
00:51:40,839 --> 00:51:42,438
I miss him every day.
1039
00:51:42,439 --> 00:51:44,198
That's so touching. Did you know him?
1040
00:51:44,199 --> 00:51:48,226
Annie, it's like... It's just...
Lotta parts up in me.
1041
00:51:51,559 --> 00:51:53,185
Wake up!
1042
00:51:53,599 --> 00:51:56,500
Wake up, you fuckin' cocksucker!
1043
00:52:08,279 --> 00:52:13,660
Siri, how do you
perform CPR on a dog?
1044
00:52:13,999 --> 00:52:17,150
I found four places
named "Starbucks."
1045
00:52:24,239 --> 00:52:26,901
What the fuck is happening?
1046
00:52:40,199 --> 00:52:42,798
And then you become a mother, right?
And it becomes about the kids.
1047
00:52:42,799 --> 00:52:44,758
Which is great, because you
want it to be about the kids.
1048
00:52:44,759 --> 00:52:47,398
But then you need time for yourself.
That's why I started writing.
1049
00:52:47,399 --> 00:52:51,678
But it's, like, writing about Jay and
the kids, and then it becomes a job.
1050
00:52:51,679 --> 00:52:53,358
But I love my job. I love my job.
1051
00:52:53,359 --> 00:52:55,838
But I need to work out.
I need to work out.
1052
00:52:55,839 --> 00:52:58,438
It's not even for me.
It's, like, for everybody else.
1053
00:52:58,439 --> 00:53:01,238
Because I'll go bat-shit crazy.
Like, crazy, crazy, crazy.
1054
00:53:01,239 --> 00:53:03,798
I ran track. I ran track in college.
1055
00:53:03,799 --> 00:53:05,638
But, you know, it's just so hard
1056
00:53:05,639 --> 00:53:07,038
- to find the time.
- I know.
1057
00:53:07,039 --> 00:53:08,518
- To do anything, right?
- It is.
1058
00:53:08,519 --> 00:53:10,598
If you don't do that, then you
just sort of lose yourself.
1059
00:53:10,599 --> 00:53:11,998
Do you want another line?
1060
00:53:11,999 --> 00:53:14,198
No, I'm still enjoying the
first line quite a bit, thanks.
1061
00:53:14,199 --> 00:53:16,030
You are so easy to talk to.
1062
00:53:16,879 --> 00:53:18,558
I feel like you get me.
1063
00:53:18,559 --> 00:53:21,744
Oh, God, I feel like we
get each other. Yeah.
1064
00:53:21,879 --> 00:53:23,619
Where's your husband?
1065
00:53:25,519 --> 00:53:28,829
I don't know! Where is that fucker?
1066
00:53:34,359 --> 00:53:37,438
What was that? Was that the doorbell?
1067
00:53:37,439 --> 00:53:40,510
- There's a lot of action here tonight.
- Yeah, there is.
1068
00:53:42,959 --> 00:53:44,904
Hey! Okay.
1069
00:53:45,559 --> 00:53:46,878
Can I help you?
1070
00:53:46,879 --> 00:53:50,318
Hi! I'm the mayor, Robby Thompson.
1071
00:53:50,319 --> 00:53:52,238
- Pleasure to meet you.
- What's happening?
1072
00:53:52,239 --> 00:53:54,158
- The mayor?
- Not of this area.
1073
00:53:54,159 --> 00:53:56,558
I'm mayor of a different area.
1074
00:53:56,559 --> 00:53:58,518
Of Thousand Oaks.
1075
00:53:58,519 --> 00:54:01,118
He is the Mayor of Thousand Oaks
1076
00:54:01,119 --> 00:54:05,158
and I am his First
Lady of Thousand Oaks.
1077
00:54:05,159 --> 00:54:06,438
- Okay.
- That's right.
1078
00:54:06,439 --> 00:54:09,758
And we are out,
just talkin' to people,
1079
00:54:09,759 --> 00:54:12,958
spreadin' the word
about Thousand Oaks.
1080
00:54:12,959 --> 00:54:14,506
What word?
1081
00:54:18,519 --> 00:54:19,678
Great town.
1082
00:54:19,679 --> 00:54:22,438
It's a wonderful city
to raise a family.
1083
00:54:22,439 --> 00:54:26,198
They have the winningest Little League
baseball record in the country.
1084
00:54:26,199 --> 00:54:28,998
Nobody gives a shit
about Thousand Oaks.
1085
00:54:28,999 --> 00:54:30,678
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
1086
00:54:30,679 --> 00:54:33,466
"Your Honor." Please.
"Your Honor's" my dad's name.
1087
00:54:33,919 --> 00:54:36,069
"Mr. Mayor" will be just fine.
1088
00:54:44,119 --> 00:54:45,620
Hello.
1089
00:54:49,039 --> 00:54:50,586
No!
1090
00:54:51,119 --> 00:54:52,666
Sit!
1091
00:54:53,399 --> 00:54:55,060
Fetch!
1092
00:54:56,079 --> 00:54:57,660
Fetch!
1093
00:55:07,839 --> 00:55:11,718
Anyway, we're out talkin' to
people about Thousand Oaks
1094
00:55:11,719 --> 00:55:16,838
and we're collecting donations for
the Big Brother charity program.
1095
00:55:16,839 --> 00:55:19,238
- Charity program. Of Thousand Oaks.
- Of Thousand Oaks.
1096
00:55:19,239 --> 00:55:22,638
What is it with this new trend of
late-night charitable solicitations?
1097
00:55:22,639 --> 00:55:23,838
I don't know. I have no idea.
1098
00:55:23,839 --> 00:55:26,678
We definitely accept money.
1099
00:55:26,679 --> 00:55:31,787
But what we really
need are used iPads.
1100
00:55:32,079 --> 00:55:34,758
That's a really good idea.
It's a great idea.
1101
00:55:34,759 --> 00:55:36,198
- It is?
- Really inspired.
1102
00:55:36,199 --> 00:55:39,438
Yeah. I'm sure they
could really use that.
1103
00:55:39,439 --> 00:55:40,678
Well, I have one.
1104
00:55:40,679 --> 00:55:42,180
No.
1105
00:55:42,439 --> 00:55:44,100
Yeah. I have one right here.
1106
00:55:49,559 --> 00:55:52,718
You actually gave me this. I haven't
had a chance to look at it yet.
1107
00:55:52,719 --> 00:55:54,878
I don't need it. Just give it to 'em.
1108
00:55:54,879 --> 00:55:57,278
- Do you mind if I just give...
- God, no. Give it to 'em. I don't care.
1109
00:55:57,279 --> 00:55:58,358
It seems like a good cause.
1110
00:55:58,359 --> 00:56:00,238
- Thank you.
- Thank you. This worked out great.
1111
00:56:00,239 --> 00:56:01,318
- Nice to meet you!
- Have a good night!
1112
00:56:01,319 --> 00:56:02,998
- Remember Thousand Oaks!
- Good night!
1113
00:56:02,999 --> 00:56:05,342
- Hi, I'm the mayor.
- iPad!
1114
00:56:06,159 --> 00:56:07,865
There he is!
1115
00:56:08,639 --> 00:56:10,982
Ariel! Hakuna matata!
1116
00:56:12,119 --> 00:56:13,666
Go play.
1117
00:56:15,879 --> 00:56:18,302
Jay. What the hell happened to you?
1118
00:56:24,519 --> 00:56:26,987
I had an epileptic fit.
1119
00:56:27,199 --> 00:56:28,718
In your bathroom.
1120
00:56:28,719 --> 00:56:30,345
But your dog saved me.
1121
00:56:31,799 --> 00:56:35,348
Because, in addition to diarrhea,
1122
00:56:38,319 --> 00:56:40,118
I'm also an epileptic.
1123
00:56:40,119 --> 00:56:43,198
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
1124
00:56:43,199 --> 00:56:46,398
We gotta go. It is
time for us to leave.
1125
00:56:46,399 --> 00:56:48,438
This is when we should
get the hell out.
1126
00:56:48,439 --> 00:56:51,038
Now. Just now is
when we should leave.
1127
00:56:51,039 --> 00:56:53,667
'Cause, you know, this is... Yeah.
1128
00:56:54,479 --> 00:56:56,758
- I did a little cocaine. What?
- What?
1129
00:56:56,759 --> 00:56:58,158
- Just one line.
- Just one line.
1130
00:56:58,159 --> 00:56:59,838
- One what?
- A bump.
1131
00:56:59,839 --> 00:57:01,318
- What?
- She did a line. So?
1132
00:57:01,319 --> 00:57:02,598
Honey, let's just... Okay.
1133
00:57:02,599 --> 00:57:05,598
Thank you so much for your hospitality.
You've been so amazing.
1134
00:57:05,599 --> 00:57:08,830
- This is your cocaine straw.
- No, no, no. Please. Keep it.
1135
00:57:09,159 --> 00:57:10,899
Thank you.
1136
00:57:25,919 --> 00:57:27,158
Okey-dokey.
1137
00:57:27,159 --> 00:57:30,198
Thank you so much for
helping with our charity,
1138
00:57:30,199 --> 00:57:33,798
but Annie and I need to get
movin' on those kidneys.
1139
00:57:33,799 --> 00:57:36,958
I completely forgot.
I need to go get my checkbook.
1140
00:57:36,959 --> 00:57:39,109
Thank you so much.
1141
00:57:39,999 --> 00:57:41,558
What?
1142
00:57:41,559 --> 00:57:43,518
"Just one line"?
1143
00:57:43,519 --> 00:57:45,358
- Who are you?
- What was I supposed to do?
1144
00:57:45,359 --> 00:57:47,558
Cocaine? That's the
answer to that question?
1145
00:57:47,559 --> 00:57:50,478
He offered and I didn't
wanna seem judgmental.
1146
00:57:50,479 --> 00:57:52,185
It was peer pressure.
1147
00:57:52,639 --> 00:57:54,118
I was distracting him.
1148
00:57:54,119 --> 00:57:56,398
With cocaine? What is this?
Fuckin' Scarf ace?
1149
00:57:56,399 --> 00:57:57,798
Are you giving me shit?
1150
00:57:57,799 --> 00:57:59,958
- Is that what's happening right now?
- Yeah!
1151
00:57:59,959 --> 00:58:02,238
- No, I don't think so.
- Annie.
1152
00:58:02,239 --> 00:58:05,358
Annie. How is it that I get
mauled by an attack dog,
1153
00:58:05,359 --> 00:58:07,038
I barely escape with my life,
1154
00:58:07,039 --> 00:58:09,918
you're in the living room
doing blow with your boss,
1155
00:58:09,919 --> 00:58:11,918
and somehow, you're mad at me?
1156
00:58:11,919 --> 00:58:14,148
- What did I do?
- What did you do?
1157
00:58:14,319 --> 00:58:17,038
You didn't erase the
fucking video, Jay!
1158
00:58:17,039 --> 00:58:18,718
I told you, Annie. I forgot.
1159
00:58:18,719 --> 00:58:21,558
"I forgot." "I forgot."
I've heard you say that. "I forgot!"
1160
00:58:21,559 --> 00:58:23,265
Okay, fine! I didn't forget!
1161
00:58:23,799 --> 00:58:26,598
I made a conscious
decision to keep the tape.
1162
00:58:26,599 --> 00:58:28,558
And I was gonna keep it forever!
1163
00:58:28,559 --> 00:58:30,518
Because I had on video
1164
00:58:30,519 --> 00:58:32,798
what was one of the
greatest nights of my life.
1165
00:58:32,799 --> 00:58:34,718
And so I wanted to keep it.
1166
00:58:34,719 --> 00:58:36,598
For myself.
1167
00:58:36,599 --> 00:58:39,958
And for my own personal
reference use.
1168
00:58:39,959 --> 00:58:43,278
Yeah, you wanted it. But I
specifically didn't want you to keep it
1169
00:58:43,279 --> 00:58:44,918
because I didn't want it to
get out and guess what?
1170
00:58:44,919 --> 00:58:47,038
It did! It did immediately.
1171
00:58:47,039 --> 00:58:48,798
That part was a mistake.
1172
00:58:48,799 --> 00:58:52,078
I wanted to save it for myself
and then the fuckin' app...
1173
00:58:52,079 --> 00:58:54,998
Stop talking about the app,
'cause this is just typical of you.
1174
00:58:54,999 --> 00:58:57,798
You do whatever the hell
you wanna do all the time,
1175
00:58:57,799 --> 00:59:01,278
and I do everything. I do everything.
1176
00:59:01,279 --> 00:59:04,318
I hold this shit down, is what I do.
1177
00:59:04,319 --> 00:59:07,238
- Clearly, you should not do cocaine.
- Maybe I should do more cocaine.
1178
00:59:07,239 --> 00:59:09,878
Because I've never done it
before and I kinda like it.
1179
00:59:09,879 --> 00:59:12,678
I'm fairly certain the answer is
not for you to do more cocaine.
1180
00:59:12,679 --> 00:59:15,398
This sex tape. This night.
1181
00:59:15,399 --> 00:59:19,142
This is the kind of thing that
reveals a lot about a person.
1182
00:59:20,839 --> 00:59:23,198
- Really?
- Reveals a whole lot about a person.
1183
00:59:23,199 --> 00:59:25,518
- You know what? Just shut up.
- I tried not to say it!
1184
00:59:25,519 --> 00:59:28,198
This kind of thing, a crisis,
1185
00:59:28,199 --> 00:59:30,518
reveals who someone
really is deep down.
1186
00:59:30,519 --> 00:59:33,318
And you, you can't think
about anyone else but you.
1187
00:59:33,319 --> 00:59:35,798
- Okay, that is...
- Jay does what Jay wants to do.
1188
00:59:35,799 --> 00:59:39,158
You have to go to a concert
three nights in a row.
1189
00:59:39,159 --> 00:59:40,238
For work?
1190
00:59:40,239 --> 00:59:42,558
But that's my job,
Annie. We're a team.
1191
00:59:42,559 --> 00:59:44,718
And part of what I do
on that team is I work.
1192
00:59:44,719 --> 00:59:46,598
That's what makes me a
good teammate, isn't it?
1193
00:59:46,599 --> 00:59:49,386
I don't just wanna be a teammate!
1194
00:59:51,439 --> 00:59:53,748
Why did we stop having sex?
1195
00:59:53,879 --> 00:59:55,380
What?
1196
00:59:56,039 --> 00:59:58,758
- Annie, it's not like we just stopped.
- No, you know what I mean.
1197
00:59:58,759 --> 01:00:00,918
It's just, like, Why did...
1198
01:00:00,919 --> 01:00:04,798
When did we stop needing to be close?
1199
01:00:04,799 --> 01:00:06,198
When did I become so annoying?
1200
01:00:06,199 --> 01:00:07,780
I don't know!
1201
01:00:09,999 --> 01:00:11,998
I think the coke is wearing off.
1202
01:00:11,999 --> 01:00:14,581
- That's a bummer, man. I was having a blast.
- Really?
1203
01:00:16,159 --> 01:00:20,061
We really gotta find out who's
been sending these fucking texts.
1204
01:00:23,399 --> 01:00:25,230
Are they...
1205
01:00:26,159 --> 01:00:28,388
They're having sex in our car.
1206
01:00:28,799 --> 01:00:30,869
It appears that way.
1207
01:00:39,959 --> 01:00:41,678
- Sorry, guys.
- Yeah, sorry.
1208
01:00:41,679 --> 01:00:42,798
I'm not even gonna ask if you guys...
1209
01:00:42,799 --> 01:00:44,038
Yes, we watched the video.
1210
01:00:44,039 --> 01:00:45,358
You said you weren't
gonna say anything.
1211
01:00:45,359 --> 01:00:47,358
I know we weren't gonna say
anything, but I can't lie to Jay.
1212
01:00:47,359 --> 01:00:51,078
And besides, we just skimmed
it because we didn't have time.
1213
01:00:51,079 --> 01:00:52,758
Oh, my God!
1214
01:00:52,759 --> 01:00:55,478
Annie, there is nothing
to be ashamed of.
1215
01:00:55,479 --> 01:00:56,878
He's right. There's not.
1216
01:00:56,879 --> 01:00:58,958
At first, yes, I thought there was.
1217
01:00:58,959 --> 01:01:01,078
But now, I've seen it.
And there's not.
1218
01:01:01,079 --> 01:01:03,422
No, it's the most natural
thing in the world.
1219
01:01:03,439 --> 01:01:05,318
I think this might be...
1220
01:01:05,319 --> 01:01:09,758
No, it definitely is the most
embarrassing moment of my life.
1221
01:01:09,759 --> 01:01:12,078
No, no, no. You should
not feel embarrassed.
1222
01:01:12,079 --> 01:01:14,678
If anything, you should feel proud.
1223
01:01:14,679 --> 01:01:15,998
Yeah, your body's insane.
1224
01:01:15,999 --> 01:01:17,078
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
1225
01:01:17,079 --> 01:01:18,598
Truly, I admire you for it.
1226
01:01:18,599 --> 01:01:20,398
I can't believe that
you let him watch it!
1227
01:01:20,399 --> 01:01:21,758
I'm sorry.
1228
01:01:21,759 --> 01:01:24,944
He wanted to watch it. I wanted
to watch it. Just a little peek.
1229
01:01:24,999 --> 01:01:27,958
But then, we got very
involved with it.
1230
01:01:27,959 --> 01:01:30,198
- We got really wrapped up in it.
- Oh, my God!
1231
01:01:30,199 --> 01:01:32,588
Great dick, by the way.
1232
01:01:33,799 --> 01:01:35,118
Yeah. Thank you.
1233
01:01:35,119 --> 01:01:37,278
Honestly, the whole thing
was a big turn-on.
1234
01:01:37,279 --> 01:01:39,598
- Oh, my God.
- We noticed. Yes.
1235
01:01:39,599 --> 01:01:42,181
Guys, could I have
the iPad back, please?
1236
01:01:47,279 --> 01:01:48,438
- Really? I mean we...
- Dude!
1237
01:01:48,439 --> 01:01:50,558
Okay, fine!
1238
01:01:50,559 --> 01:01:53,505
There you go.
You're obsessed with that thing.
1239
01:01:57,479 --> 01:01:59,219
Wait.
1240
01:02:00,119 --> 01:02:02,518
We shall never speak
of this night again.
1241
01:02:02,519 --> 01:02:05,306
- Absolutely.
- Of course.
1242
01:02:06,999 --> 01:02:08,958
I need a bathroom and an aspirin.
1243
01:02:08,959 --> 01:02:11,746
- Of course.
- Yeah, yeah. Come on in. Please.
1244
01:02:13,839 --> 01:02:15,078
- Dad. Mom.
- Hey, pal.
1245
01:02:15,079 --> 01:02:16,626
Hey, sweetie. Hi, Marta.
1246
01:02:16,639 --> 01:02:18,678
- Howard is study.
- I was. In my room.
1247
01:02:18,679 --> 01:02:21,678
Annie, Jay. What a
surprise, you guys.
1248
01:02:21,679 --> 01:02:23,783
We were just out
1249
01:02:24,999 --> 01:02:26,500
gettin' a drink.
1250
01:02:26,879 --> 01:02:28,518
Celebrate the ol' anniversary.
1251
01:02:28,519 --> 01:02:29,998
Here. I'll get you an aspirin.
1252
01:02:29,999 --> 01:02:31,558
Okay. I'm gonna use the bathroom.
1253
01:02:31,559 --> 01:02:33,078
Want a shirt?
1254
01:02:33,079 --> 01:02:35,627
- Yeah. That'd be great. Thanks, bud.
- I'll get you a shirt.
1255
01:02:35,679 --> 01:02:37,863
Get outta my way!
1256
01:02:40,119 --> 01:02:43,020
So, here we are.
1257
01:02:44,159 --> 01:02:46,238
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1258
01:02:46,239 --> 01:02:48,867
Did you receive my text message?
1259
01:02:53,679 --> 01:02:55,385
What?
1260
01:02:56,559 --> 01:02:59,346
Yeah. You know, you really
should be more careful, Jay.
1261
01:03:01,039 --> 01:03:02,118
Wait, are you...
1262
01:03:02,119 --> 01:03:04,118
No. 'Cause you're just too...
1263
01:03:04,119 --> 01:03:05,745
Is this a...
1264
01:03:07,959 --> 01:03:09,798
Stop babbling already, Jay.
1265
01:03:09,799 --> 01:03:12,301
I think we both know that
I already own your ass.
1266
01:03:12,359 --> 01:03:14,878
You own my ass?
1267
01:03:14,879 --> 01:03:18,508
What, do I have to spell it out
for you? I have your sex tape.
1268
01:03:18,559 --> 01:03:20,299
You're fucked.
1269
01:03:24,119 --> 01:03:25,558
- I got news for you.
- What?
1270
01:03:25,559 --> 01:03:27,060
I got the iPad back.
1271
01:03:27,239 --> 01:03:28,878
- You got the iPad back?
- Yeah.
1272
01:03:28,879 --> 01:03:32,038
That's fantastic, man.
Good effort. Look at me.
1273
01:03:32,039 --> 01:03:36,464
Do I look like a kid who knows how to
make a simple copy of an MP4 or do I not?
1274
01:03:38,879 --> 01:03:40,518
- Yeah, you do.
- And look at you.
1275
01:03:40,519 --> 01:03:44,558
Runnin' around trying to collect up
all your iPads before time runs out.
1276
01:03:44,559 --> 01:03:46,902
Why didn't you just remote wipe them?
1277
01:03:48,199 --> 01:03:49,905
You can do that?
1278
01:03:51,759 --> 01:03:53,260
Fuck!
1279
01:03:53,319 --> 01:03:54,820
Fuck me!
1280
01:03:55,319 --> 01:03:57,309
I almost murdered a dog.
1281
01:03:58,679 --> 01:03:59,798
Yeah.
1282
01:03:59,799 --> 01:04:03,238
But I already uploaded your sorry-ass
video to a site called YouPorn.
1283
01:04:03,239 --> 01:04:04,918
Should be up by tomorrow morning.
1284
01:04:04,919 --> 01:04:06,958
And sadly, the only one
that can take the video down
1285
01:04:06,959 --> 01:04:08,918
is the original poster and that's me.
1286
01:04:08,919 --> 01:04:11,148
Okay, this is a...
1287
01:04:11,759 --> 01:04:13,758
I got it. This is a joke, right?
1288
01:04:13,759 --> 01:04:15,340
You're joking.
1289
01:04:15,439 --> 01:04:17,828
You didn't put...
1290
01:04:19,279 --> 01:04:20,678
What do you want?
1291
01:04:20,679 --> 01:04:22,278
You want an Xbox?
1292
01:04:22,279 --> 01:04:24,598
- You can get me an Xbox?
- Do you want an Xbox?
1293
01:04:24,599 --> 01:04:26,558
- Like, the new Xbox?
- Yeah.
1294
01:04:26,559 --> 01:04:29,318
What do I look like to you, Jay?
A fucking idiot? No!
1295
01:04:29,319 --> 01:04:32,390
I want $25,000 in cash.
1296
01:04:33,119 --> 01:04:34,758
$25,000?
1297
01:04:34,759 --> 01:04:38,838
Howard. First of all, I don't
have $25,000 just sittin' around.
1298
01:04:38,839 --> 01:04:41,318
And besides, what are you
gonna do with $25,000?
1299
01:04:41,319 --> 01:04:42,918
I'm gonna buy a horse.
1300
01:04:42,919 --> 01:04:46,787
Yeah, I'm gonna buy a motherfucking
horse to keep my bitches happy.
1301
01:04:48,119 --> 01:04:50,318
I think it's time for me to have
a little talk with your parents.
1302
01:04:50,319 --> 01:04:51,518
Try. Go ahead.
1303
01:04:51,519 --> 01:04:52,838
I'll lie.
1304
01:04:52,839 --> 01:04:54,943
They're gonna believe me. Not you.
1305
01:04:56,039 --> 01:04:58,223
And don't you dare
tell Annie about this.
1306
01:04:58,399 --> 01:05:00,230
I'm gonna tell Annie.
1307
01:05:00,319 --> 01:05:01,478
Okay.
1308
01:05:01,479 --> 01:05:05,078
But before you do, just think about
these three words for me, all right?
1309
01:05:05,079 --> 01:05:07,183
School. Email. Blast.
1310
01:05:09,639 --> 01:05:12,380
Man! I need some ice cream. Who's in?
1311
01:05:14,159 --> 01:05:17,078
Deal with it, Jay. You're fucked!
1312
01:05:17,079 --> 01:05:19,547
I got just so much
pressure inside me.
1313
01:05:19,599 --> 01:05:20,918
Good talk, pal. Seriously.
1314
01:05:20,919 --> 01:05:22,078
Honey.
1315
01:05:22,079 --> 01:05:25,798
Let's go home and keep calling
that number until someone answers.
1316
01:05:25,799 --> 01:05:28,188
I just wanna know who's
sending these texts.
1317
01:05:29,999 --> 01:05:32,478
Wanna do the thing?
Wanna do the four-flavor thing?
1318
01:05:32,479 --> 01:05:34,981
- Yeah, let's do that thing.
- Yeah.
1319
01:05:36,399 --> 01:05:38,998
Robby, there's no easy
way for me to say this,
1320
01:05:38,999 --> 01:05:43,345
but your kid is trying to
blackmail me for $25,000!
1321
01:05:43,359 --> 01:05:45,718
Jay, can you hear yourself right now?
1322
01:05:45,719 --> 01:05:48,838
I mean, look. You've had
a stressful day, right?
1323
01:05:48,839 --> 01:05:51,478
Howard's just a kid.
He's not your problem.
1324
01:05:51,479 --> 01:05:53,358
When you wake up,
you'll realize that.
1325
01:05:53,359 --> 01:05:55,278
Would you just go check his computer?
1326
01:05:55,279 --> 01:05:56,718
Check his phone!
1327
01:05:56,719 --> 01:05:58,220
- For me?
- Jay.
1328
01:05:58,439 --> 01:05:59,918
I'm not gonna look at his computer.
1329
01:05:59,919 --> 01:06:01,718
Because there's nothing on there.
1330
01:06:01,719 --> 01:06:05,348
He told me and I trust him.
This is Howard we're talking about.
1331
01:06:06,199 --> 01:06:07,518
- I gotta go.
- Okay.
1332
01:06:07,519 --> 01:06:09,358
Get some rest, all right?
I'll see you at school tomorrow.
1333
01:06:09,359 --> 01:06:11,598
Shit. Right, graduation.
1334
01:06:11,599 --> 01:06:13,078
- I forgot.
- And, hey.
1335
01:06:13,079 --> 01:06:17,038
I just wanted to say one
more time, man. Great tape.
1336
01:06:17,039 --> 01:06:19,678
I mean, I had no idea that
Annie was so flexible.
1337
01:06:19,679 --> 01:06:21,318
- Robby. Robby.
- Yeah?
1338
01:06:21,319 --> 01:06:24,118
Maybe we should just stop
talking about this now.
1339
01:06:24,119 --> 01:06:25,358
Yeah, yeah! Fair enough.
1340
01:06:25,359 --> 01:06:28,430
- Another time. Yeah.
- Or, you know, never.
1341
01:06:28,639 --> 01:06:30,425
Another time.
1342
01:06:30,839 --> 01:06:34,558
Mom, thank you so much for
coming by on such short notice.
1343
01:06:34,559 --> 01:06:36,758
Of course, honey. Of course.
1344
01:06:36,759 --> 01:06:40,468
- Thank you.
- Annie. Is everything all right?
1345
01:06:41,239 --> 01:06:43,318
Yeah, yeah. It's fine.
1346
01:06:43,319 --> 01:06:46,238
And you and Jay? You're okay?
1347
01:06:46,239 --> 01:06:47,958
Yeah, I think so.
1348
01:06:47,959 --> 01:06:50,078
You sure you don't wanna
tell me what's goin' on?
1349
01:06:50,079 --> 01:06:51,158
Yes, I'm sure.
1350
01:06:51,159 --> 01:06:53,343
Maybe some other time.
1351
01:06:53,479 --> 01:06:54,980
Never.
1352
01:06:55,079 --> 01:06:58,198
There's some things that I
really wanna share with you,
1353
01:06:58,199 --> 01:07:01,623
and then, there's some things that
you should die just never knowing.
1354
01:07:02,279 --> 01:07:04,110
- Okay, sounds good.
- Okay.
1355
01:07:13,799 --> 01:07:15,198
- What are you doing?
- Jesus Christ!
1356
01:07:15,199 --> 01:07:18,278
Hi. You can't keep doing that to me.
1357
01:07:18,279 --> 01:07:22,340
What are you doing, Jay?
1358
01:07:23,359 --> 01:07:25,198
I have really good news.
1359
01:07:25,199 --> 01:07:26,798
Great news.
1360
01:07:26,799 --> 01:07:29,998
I remote wiped the mailman's iPad.
1361
01:07:29,999 --> 01:07:32,918
I erased his iPad from my computer.
1362
01:07:32,919 --> 01:07:34,958
- You can do that?
- Yes, you can.
1363
01:07:34,959 --> 01:07:36,198
We did it.
1364
01:07:36,199 --> 01:07:40,499
So, yeah. In a way it would've been
nice to have that information earlier.
1365
01:07:40,559 --> 01:07:43,478
In another, more important way,
1366
01:07:43,479 --> 01:07:48,878
it's great news that we have
remote wiped the mailman's iPad.
1367
01:07:48,879 --> 01:07:50,540
Yeah, it's good news.
1368
01:07:52,639 --> 01:07:54,220
What's the bad news?
1369
01:07:55,039 --> 01:07:56,158
What?
1370
01:07:56,159 --> 01:07:58,198
$25,000?
1371
01:07:58,199 --> 01:08:00,678
Where we gonna get...
We don't have $25,000!
1372
01:08:00,679 --> 01:08:03,341
- We're not giving it to Howard!
- We're not. It's insane.
1373
01:08:03,879 --> 01:08:05,838
We're gonna let
this little freak show
1374
01:08:05,839 --> 01:08:08,998
just post it up on the Internet
for the entire world to see?
1375
01:08:08,999 --> 01:08:11,598
People that we know?
People we don't know?
1376
01:08:11,599 --> 01:08:12,998
God, my gynecologist is gonna be
1377
01:08:12,999 --> 01:08:14,558
- so disappointed in me.
- Okay.
1378
01:08:14,559 --> 01:08:16,998
The deli guy's gonna see
what we did with the salami!
1379
01:08:16,999 --> 01:08:20,238
Babe, can I say something that's gonna
sound kinda crazy, but just go with me?
1380
01:08:20,239 --> 01:08:23,158
All right? I've been watching a
bunch of these videos online,
1381
01:08:23,159 --> 01:08:27,638
and you cannot really tell
who these people are. Mostly.
1382
01:08:27,639 --> 01:08:31,198
And I'm sure that they all have somebody
that they don't want seeing their videos,
1383
01:08:31,199 --> 01:08:32,518
but they make them anyway.
1384
01:08:32,519 --> 01:08:34,438
Like this one video I saw,
1385
01:08:34,439 --> 01:08:35,878
"Corn-fed Cowgirl Gets Milked."
1386
01:08:35,879 --> 01:08:37,838
There is no way that she
wanted her boss seeing that
1387
01:08:37,839 --> 01:08:42,139
because what happened there
seemed very personal.
1388
01:08:42,199 --> 01:08:43,478
- Your point is?
- My point is,
1389
01:08:43,479 --> 01:08:46,878
if our video went up
there, God forbid,
1390
01:08:46,879 --> 01:08:49,158
does anybody even know that it's us?
1391
01:08:49,159 --> 01:08:51,468
And if they did,
1392
01:08:51,719 --> 01:08:54,301
does it really matter that much?
1393
01:08:55,399 --> 01:08:57,398
I mean, it might.
1394
01:08:57,399 --> 01:08:59,558
The coke-bender Hank
Rosenbaum might not care.
1395
01:08:59,559 --> 01:09:03,038
But the CEO of Piper Brothers
Hank Rosenbaum, he might.
1396
01:09:03,039 --> 01:09:04,586
Honey.
1397
01:09:10,079 --> 01:09:15,710
Hank Rosenbaum has an 11-inch
double-sided dildo in his nightstand.
1398
01:09:17,079 --> 01:09:19,229
Is it made by Piper Brothers?
1399
01:09:20,159 --> 01:09:21,598
Look, my point is,
1400
01:09:21,599 --> 01:09:26,149
maybe everybody has an
11-inch dildo in their nightstand.
1401
01:09:26,959 --> 01:09:29,358
- That's a beautiful metaphor, honey.
- Thank you.
1402
01:09:29,359 --> 01:09:31,304
I thought of it just then.
1403
01:09:32,039 --> 01:09:36,589
Maybe we don't care so much
about what other people think.
1404
01:09:37,919 --> 01:09:39,318
I have an idea.
1405
01:09:39,319 --> 01:09:41,598
- What?
- We haven't even seen this video yet.
1406
01:09:41,599 --> 01:09:42,998
There's no chance I'm watchin' it.
1407
01:09:42,999 --> 01:09:44,758
You don't have to. I'll watch it.
1408
01:09:44,759 --> 01:09:48,741
And at least, then, we'll know
what we're actually dealing with.
1409
01:10:01,479 --> 01:10:03,140
Here we go.
1410
01:10:46,079 --> 01:10:47,838
We gotta get this thing
off the fucking Internet!
1411
01:10:47,839 --> 01:10:48,998
Why? What?
1412
01:10:48,999 --> 01:10:51,958
I saw it! That's us.
That's definitely us. Very clearly.
1413
01:10:51,959 --> 01:10:54,118
- That camera's fuckin' amazing.
- Oh, my God!
1414
01:10:54,119 --> 01:10:57,038
Remember that thing I told you about porn?
About how you see right past the guy?
1415
01:10:57,039 --> 01:10:59,998
Well, I saw him and it's me
and it's fucking horrible!
1416
01:10:59,999 --> 01:11:02,118
It's like the worst
picture of yourself ever.
1417
01:11:02,119 --> 01:11:03,998
Except you're fucking for hours.
1418
01:11:03,999 --> 01:11:06,158
- What about me?
- You? You're a fucking sexpot.
1419
01:11:06,159 --> 01:11:08,278
I've told you this.
Total wank material.
1420
01:11:08,279 --> 01:11:09,718
And now you're gonna
be in the fucking cloud!
1421
01:11:09,719 --> 01:11:10,998
- Oh, my God.
- We have to do something.
1422
01:11:10,999 --> 01:11:12,678
We need 25 grand to pay off Howard.
1423
01:11:12,679 --> 01:11:14,598
Hell no! Fuck Howard!
I have another idea.
1424
01:11:14,599 --> 01:11:16,518
Okay. You said it was
on YouPorn, right?
1425
01:11:16,519 --> 01:11:17,838
We're gonna be on it. Jesus Christ.
1426
01:11:17,839 --> 01:11:19,158
I know, honey.
We're not. Relax, okay?
1427
01:11:19,159 --> 01:11:22,718
The Internet is not a free-floating thing.
It's on a server somewhere.
1428
01:11:22,719 --> 01:11:25,062
It's not like it's an actual cloud.
1429
01:11:26,239 --> 01:11:27,786
You knew that, right?
1430
01:11:28,039 --> 01:11:29,540
Yeah.
1431
01:11:29,999 --> 01:11:31,878
Look, we find a business address.
1432
01:11:31,879 --> 01:11:35,038
It's probably in the Valley somewhere.
Most porn companies are.
1433
01:11:35,039 --> 01:11:37,358
We're 20 minutes from the
porn capital of the world.
1434
01:11:37,359 --> 01:11:39,198
Well, then what do we do?
1435
01:11:39,199 --> 01:11:43,718
I don't know. I mean, it's probably
just a few guys with computers.
1436
01:11:43,719 --> 01:11:46,398
We'll beg 'em or bribe
'em or something.
1437
01:11:46,399 --> 01:11:48,230
That's a great idea.
1438
01:11:48,239 --> 01:11:49,598
What do we do with the kids?
1439
01:11:49,599 --> 01:11:51,544
We can't call my mom again.
1440
01:12:11,559 --> 01:12:13,584
Up here, make a right.
1441
01:12:17,639 --> 01:12:19,345
I think this is it.
1442
01:12:21,919 --> 01:12:23,638
Hello? Open up!
1443
01:12:23,639 --> 01:12:26,038
Hello! Is anyone there?
1444
01:12:26,039 --> 01:12:28,878
This is the last time I'm
gonna ask. Is anyone home?
1445
01:12:28,879 --> 01:12:30,758
Hey! Hey, bud!
1446
01:12:30,759 --> 01:12:33,158
Hey! How's it goin', man?
1447
01:12:33,159 --> 01:12:34,918
We're just having a little adventure.
1448
01:12:34,919 --> 01:12:36,118
What's the adventure?
1449
01:12:36,119 --> 01:12:38,478
It's kind of, like, what?
Like, a scavenger hunt.
1450
01:12:38,479 --> 01:12:40,822
You know what it is? It's a game.
1451
01:12:40,879 --> 01:12:42,790
And it is called,
1452
01:12:43,439 --> 01:12:45,464
- Breaking and Entering.
- What?
1453
01:12:53,599 --> 01:12:55,510
Okay, great.
1454
01:13:15,359 --> 01:13:18,158
- Hello?
- Hello?
1455
01:13:18,159 --> 01:13:20,158
What are we looking for?
1456
01:13:20,159 --> 01:13:21,478
That's a good question.
1457
01:13:21,479 --> 01:13:23,278
Yeah, we're not exactly sure.
1458
01:13:23,279 --> 01:13:26,544
"Central Data Core."
1459
01:13:26,799 --> 01:13:28,664
- This is it.
- Let's do it.
1460
01:13:35,039 --> 01:13:39,510
I think I might've underestimated
the size of YouPorn.
1461
01:13:40,559 --> 01:13:44,461
Yeah, it's a bit bigger
than you would think.
1462
01:13:52,839 --> 01:13:55,518
Jay! My God, what have we done?
1463
01:13:55,519 --> 01:13:57,998
We're gonna go to jail, Jay!
1464
01:13:57,999 --> 01:13:59,989
- We should get outta here.
- Yeah. We should go!
1465
01:14:05,039 --> 01:14:06,665
May I help you?
1466
01:14:07,399 --> 01:14:09,558
Okay. You guys stay here. Okay?
1467
01:14:09,559 --> 01:14:11,060
Okay.
1468
01:14:11,079 --> 01:14:14,059
May I ask what the
fuck is goin' on here?
1469
01:14:14,199 --> 01:14:19,238
May I ask if you're the
proprietor of this institution?
1470
01:14:19,239 --> 01:14:20,758
"Institution?"
1471
01:14:20,759 --> 01:14:22,863
Yeah. I'm that motherfucker.
1472
01:14:23,079 --> 01:14:25,878
And you've just made
a very serious mistake.
1473
01:14:25,879 --> 01:14:28,700
Where are you from? You from Hustler?
1474
01:14:30,399 --> 01:14:31,518
No.
1475
01:14:31,519 --> 01:14:33,678
Which crew you runnin' with? Xtube?
1476
01:14:33,679 --> 01:14:35,669
Is that it? No? RedTube?
1477
01:14:36,079 --> 01:14:37,718
- Bang bros?
- No.
1478
01:14:37,719 --> 01:14:39,398
- BangBus?
- No.
1479
01:14:39,399 --> 01:14:40,900
BigBoobAlert?
1480
01:14:41,839 --> 01:14:43,518
- You with BigBoobAlert?
- Nope.
1481
01:14:43,519 --> 01:14:45,558
Where you from, then?
You tell me right now.
1482
01:14:45,559 --> 01:14:46,838
Wait, no, don't tell me.
1483
01:14:46,839 --> 01:14:48,278
- MassageCreep?
- No.
1484
01:14:48,279 --> 01:14:49,918
- We're not from MassageCreep.
- No, no.
1485
01:14:49,919 --> 01:14:51,078
KungPaoPussy?
1486
01:14:51,079 --> 01:14:52,278
- No.
- No.
1487
01:14:52,279 --> 01:14:53,918
- You from BeaverBong?
- Tugjobs?
1488
01:14:53,919 --> 01:14:55,558
- TrannySurprise?
- Nutflix?
1489
01:14:55,559 --> 01:14:57,558
- No, ma'am.
- RealityKings?
1490
01:14:57,559 --> 01:14:59,758
- NaughtyAmerica?
- Euro-Angels? AsianAngels?
1491
01:14:59,759 --> 01:15:02,078
SeducedByACougar? FuckStarTV?
1492
01:15:02,079 --> 01:15:03,558
- Those cunts?
- Not us.
1493
01:15:03,559 --> 01:15:05,238
- SubmitYourBitch?
- No, sir.
1494
01:15:05,239 --> 01:15:06,558
- Wankspider?
- No.
1495
01:15:06,559 --> 01:15:07,758
MonkeyCum?
1496
01:15:07,759 --> 01:15:10,238
- Honey, what's that one that Larry runs?
- AThousandCumShots?
1497
01:15:10,239 --> 01:15:11,598
- MonstersOfCock?
- No.
1498
01:15:11,599 --> 01:15:13,238
You with LadyBonersHD?
1499
01:15:13,239 --> 01:15:14,438
ButtholeSandwich.com?
1500
01:15:14,439 --> 01:15:16,758
Sir, we are in no way affiliated
with ButtholeSandwich.
1501
01:15:16,759 --> 01:15:19,785
You one of them assholes
from BigTittyCreamPie.com?
1502
01:15:19,839 --> 01:15:20,918
- No.
- No.
1503
01:15:20,919 --> 01:15:22,718
Not Playboy.
1504
01:15:22,719 --> 01:15:24,238
Did Hugh send you?
1505
01:15:24,239 --> 01:15:26,118
Listen, sir. If you could just
give me one minute to explain.
1506
01:15:26,119 --> 01:15:27,398
- I know...
- See, this is the thing.
1507
01:15:27,399 --> 01:15:29,398
You've put me in a position
1508
01:15:29,399 --> 01:15:33,558
where my only options are to beat
your ass, or call the goddamn cops.
1509
01:15:33,559 --> 01:15:35,998
Okay, sir, I see where
you're coming from...
1510
01:15:35,999 --> 01:15:38,278
Actually, I think we should beat
their ass and call the goddamn cops.
1511
01:15:38,279 --> 01:15:40,986
I was thinkin' the same shit.
1512
01:15:44,919 --> 01:15:47,278
Look, if you want
to kick my ass, fine.
1513
01:15:47,279 --> 01:15:50,118
And if you want to call
the cops, so be it.
1514
01:15:50,119 --> 01:15:52,986
But there is a reason that we
did this, and it's because
1515
01:15:54,319 --> 01:15:57,318
sometimes people do some really
crazy shit to protect their families.
1516
01:15:57,319 --> 01:15:58,798
And that's what happened.
1517
01:15:58,799 --> 01:16:00,638
We did some crazy shit.
1518
01:16:00,639 --> 01:16:01,958
We're really sorry.
1519
01:16:01,959 --> 01:16:03,318
- We're really sorry.
- We're honestly...
1520
01:16:03,319 --> 01:16:05,638
- It was for our family.
- You motherfuckers.
1521
01:16:05,639 --> 01:16:09,507
You made a sex tape and now
you're tryin' to get it off my server.
1522
01:16:12,199 --> 01:16:15,020
Daddy, can I pet the doggies?
1523
01:16:15,519 --> 01:16:17,678
No, we can't pet these doggies.
1524
01:16:17,679 --> 01:16:19,465
What are your freakin' names?
1525
01:16:19,599 --> 01:16:21,863
- I'm Jay.
- Annie.
1526
01:16:22,199 --> 01:16:24,349
- Annie and Jay?
- Yes, ma'am.
1527
01:16:25,319 --> 01:16:28,438
You the Annie that writes
"Who's Yo Mommy?"
1528
01:16:28,439 --> 01:16:30,020
Yeah.
1529
01:16:30,839 --> 01:16:32,398
- I love your blog.
- You do?
1530
01:16:32,399 --> 01:16:34,398
- I read it all the time.
- That's so great.
1531
01:16:34,399 --> 01:16:37,398
I mean, the way you write
about motherhood and parenting.
1532
01:16:37,399 --> 01:16:38,798
Your marriage.
1533
01:16:38,799 --> 01:16:41,358
Thank you. How old are yours?
1534
01:16:41,359 --> 01:16:43,907
One's 18 months and one's 52 months.
1535
01:16:45,399 --> 01:16:46,718
Baby, it's Annie and Jay.
1536
01:16:46,719 --> 01:16:50,382
Yeah, well, I'm afraid Annie and
Jay are in deep motherfuckin' shit.
1537
01:16:51,519 --> 01:16:53,828
Baby.
1538
01:16:59,639 --> 01:17:03,518
All you had to do was email me
and I would've taken it down.
1539
01:17:03,519 --> 01:17:06,718
Do you have any idea how many people
are makin' sex tapes out there?
1540
01:17:06,719 --> 01:17:09,598
We get about 1,000
new ones every day.
1541
01:17:09,599 --> 01:17:11,038
I don't need to be
puttin' up sex tapes
1542
01:17:11,039 --> 01:17:12,718
from people who don't want
their sex tapes up there.
1543
01:17:12,719 --> 01:17:14,718
There's no shortage of sex tapes.
1544
01:17:14,719 --> 01:17:17,198
Okay? You didn't have to
break my fuckin' door!
1545
01:17:17,199 --> 01:17:20,398
We're just incredibly sorry, sir,
and we will pay for all the damages.
1546
01:17:20,399 --> 01:17:22,230
Yes, you will. Today.
1547
01:17:22,679 --> 01:17:25,838
And you will be incredibly grateful
that I feel sorry for your asses
1548
01:17:25,839 --> 01:17:27,558
and that my wife likes your blog.
1549
01:17:27,559 --> 01:17:31,438
No, we are very, very grateful.
Super grateful. Thank you.
1550
01:17:31,439 --> 01:17:32,598
It is great of you.
1551
01:17:32,599 --> 01:17:36,598
Internet porn gets a bad rap in
some circles, but it's not deserved.
1552
01:17:36,599 --> 01:17:40,238
I'm always tellin' people this.
YouPorn is a community.
1553
01:17:40,239 --> 01:17:42,798
A safe, supportive place
where people can go
1554
01:17:42,799 --> 01:17:46,238
to display videos of themselves
ass-fucking each other.
1555
01:17:46,239 --> 01:17:48,318
That's really nice.
1556
01:17:48,319 --> 01:17:49,558
It's wonderful.
1557
01:17:49,559 --> 01:17:51,709
I think so.
1558
01:17:51,759 --> 01:17:53,078
But let me ask you something.
1559
01:17:53,079 --> 01:17:57,038
Why'd you make the video in the first
place if you didn't want anyone to see it?
1560
01:17:57,039 --> 01:17:58,598
I mean, I know why you did it.
1561
01:17:58,599 --> 01:18:00,225
But what about you?
1562
01:18:00,919 --> 01:18:03,626
It was my idea, actually.
1563
01:18:03,759 --> 01:18:07,598
I just guess it was something different,
you know. Something new.
1564
01:18:07,599 --> 01:18:10,478
Yeah, that's what I thought.
"Something new."
1565
01:18:10,479 --> 01:18:13,918
Let me tell you somethin'.
I've see a lot of fuckin' sex tapes.
1566
01:18:13,919 --> 01:18:17,423
It's not something people do
when everything's goin' great.
1567
01:18:17,439 --> 01:18:21,785
It's what you do when you've lost track
of why you're fuckin' in the first place.
1568
01:18:25,839 --> 01:18:27,238
It's a quick fix.
1569
01:18:27,239 --> 01:18:28,918
But it doesn't solve anything.
1570
01:18:28,919 --> 01:18:31,478
And a lot of times it just
hides bigger problems.
1571
01:18:31,479 --> 01:18:33,758
Look at Paris Hilton
and Ricky Salomon.
1572
01:18:33,759 --> 01:18:35,518
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.
1573
01:18:35,519 --> 01:18:37,638
Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels.
1574
01:18:37,639 --> 01:18:39,638
Vince Neil and Janine Lindemulder.
1575
01:18:39,639 --> 01:18:42,078
Janine Lindemulder and me.
1576
01:18:42,079 --> 01:18:45,318
All of these relationships
had bigger problems.
1577
01:18:45,319 --> 01:18:49,869
They all forgot why they
were fuckin' in the first place.
1578
01:18:56,639 --> 01:19:02,669
Anyway, that'll be roughly $15,000.
How would you like to pay?
1579
01:19:05,119 --> 01:19:06,638
I think that went pretty well.
1580
01:19:06,639 --> 01:19:08,948
I know. He was so nice.
1581
01:19:10,999 --> 01:19:12,678
Oh, my God. What time is it?
1582
01:19:12,679 --> 01:19:15,078
We have to be at school
for graduation at 9:00.
1583
01:19:15,079 --> 01:19:16,518
We have to get ready, you guys.
1584
01:19:16,519 --> 01:19:17,838
I gotta gel my hair.
1585
01:19:17,839 --> 01:19:20,148
Come on! Come on, come on, come on!
1586
01:19:25,639 --> 01:19:28,141
Go, go, go! We got this!
1587
01:19:33,279 --> 01:19:36,862
Okay, babes.
Eat up, eat up, eat up.
1588
01:19:36,999 --> 01:19:40,278
Through the thing and magically, bam!
1589
01:19:40,279 --> 01:19:41,860
Let's see it.
1590
01:19:42,279 --> 01:19:43,780
Pretty good.
1591
01:19:45,159 --> 01:19:46,865
Hairbrush!
1592
01:19:48,199 --> 01:19:49,700
Okay, let's go.
1593
01:19:49,719 --> 01:19:51,709
But I gotta get this on.
1594
01:19:54,199 --> 01:19:56,827
Put it on in the car. Go, go!
1595
01:20:02,039 --> 01:20:03,398
I gotta go backstage.
1596
01:20:03,399 --> 01:20:04,558
Go. Go graduate, pal.
1597
01:20:04,559 --> 01:20:06,868
- We love ya.
- Bye.
1598
01:20:14,479 --> 01:20:17,318
- Mommy, I'm gonna go find my class, okay?
- Okay, honey.
1599
01:20:17,319 --> 01:20:19,867
- All right. We'll catch ya after. See ya.
- Bye!
1600
01:20:24,159 --> 01:20:27,026
- Hey, there we go.
- Okay. Great. Perfect.
1601
01:20:29,159 --> 01:20:30,820
Sorry.
1602
01:20:36,079 --> 01:20:38,024
- We made it.
- Yeah.
1603
01:20:38,079 --> 01:20:39,819
We got 'em all back.
1604
01:20:40,999 --> 01:20:43,518
I mean, we may have to
steal Howard's computer later.
1605
01:20:43,519 --> 01:20:45,384
But how hard can that be?
1606
01:20:49,039 --> 01:20:50,745
Hi.
1607
01:20:50,839 --> 01:20:54,548
I don't think I'm ever gonna be able
to look at Robby the same way again.
1608
01:20:54,839 --> 01:20:58,263
I'm pretty sure the feeling
is mutual, if that helps at all.
1609
01:21:05,199 --> 01:21:07,064
I love you.
1610
01:21:08,959 --> 01:21:10,278
I love you, too.
1611
01:21:10,279 --> 01:21:11,718
No. I mean it.
1612
01:21:11,719 --> 01:21:14,950
Like, not in the way that we
say it to each other all the time.
1613
01:21:15,079 --> 01:21:16,785
I mean, I really love you.
1614
01:21:17,919 --> 01:21:21,558
And I'm also really sorry about the
video, if I hadn't said that already.
1615
01:21:21,559 --> 01:21:23,278
Thank you.
1616
01:21:23,279 --> 01:21:24,958
You hadn't.
1617
01:21:24,959 --> 01:21:27,798
In a way, though, I'm also
really glad that it happened.
1618
01:21:27,799 --> 01:21:30,118
'Cause I was thinkin' about
what you said at Hank's.
1619
01:21:30,119 --> 01:21:32,940
You said that a thing like this,
1620
01:21:33,119 --> 01:21:34,798
like "the video incident,"
1621
01:21:34,799 --> 01:21:37,038
reveals a lot about a person.
1622
01:21:37,039 --> 01:21:38,825
And you're right.
1623
01:21:39,159 --> 01:21:41,821
And you know what it
revealed about you?
1624
01:21:41,879 --> 01:21:43,758
You are generous.
1625
01:21:43,759 --> 01:21:45,398
You're kind.
1626
01:21:45,399 --> 01:21:48,478
You're imaginative. You always
remember what's important.
1627
01:21:48,479 --> 01:21:50,278
You're ready for anything.
1628
01:21:50,279 --> 01:21:52,438
You're a bit of a lightweight
when it comes to cocaine.
1629
01:21:52,439 --> 01:21:55,624
But I think that is a great quality.
1630
01:21:56,759 --> 01:21:59,660
I just think that
you're really amazing.
1631
01:22:01,839 --> 01:22:04,262
That's why I'm fuckin'
you in the first place.
1632
01:22:07,999 --> 01:22:10,308
You know what this
revealed about you?
1633
01:22:10,759 --> 01:22:13,865
It revealed that you
would do anything
1634
01:22:13,919 --> 01:22:16,318
to get those iPads back for me.
1635
01:22:16,319 --> 01:22:18,958
And there is no one I
would rather be with
1636
01:22:18,959 --> 01:22:21,029
when the shit hits the fan.
1637
01:22:22,999 --> 01:22:24,660
God, I lucked out.
1638
01:22:26,039 --> 01:22:27,678
I lucked out.
1639
01:22:27,679 --> 01:22:30,659
- I fucking love you.
- I fucking love you.
1640
01:22:35,839 --> 01:22:37,718
Excuse me. Public place.
1641
01:22:37,719 --> 01:22:39,278
- Hi, Mom.
- Excuse me. Hi.
1642
01:22:39,279 --> 01:22:40,798
Good morning, everyone.
1643
01:22:40,799 --> 01:22:43,198
Let's all settle in and find a seat.
1644
01:22:43,199 --> 01:22:47,478
My name is Principal Rodriguez and
I would like to welcome everyone
1645
01:22:47,479 --> 01:22:50,478
to our fourth-grade
graduation ceremony.
1646
01:22:50,479 --> 01:22:54,838
First up, I'd like to introduce
our video yearbook maestro,
1647
01:22:54,839 --> 01:22:56,864
- Clive Hargrove.
- Yeah!
1648
01:23:02,559 --> 01:23:06,878
This is a video I made showing
the amazing year we had.
1649
01:23:06,879 --> 01:23:10,638
Taking pictures and videos
is really important
1650
01:23:10,639 --> 01:23:14,586
because it reminds us
what's really important
1651
01:23:16,559 --> 01:23:18,918
and all the amazing times we had.
1652
01:23:18,919 --> 01:23:23,105
So now I present to you our
fourth-grade video yearbook.
1653
01:23:30,399 --> 01:23:33,220
You erased the video off
of our computer, right?
1654
01:23:34,999 --> 01:23:36,398
Right, Jay?
1655
01:23:36,399 --> 01:23:38,278
Is it Video 1 or Movie 1?
1656
01:23:38,279 --> 01:23:40,078
Video 1, I think.
1657
01:23:40,079 --> 01:23:42,388
- I love you. Call 911.
- Okay.
1658
01:23:42,559 --> 01:23:45,038
- It's Video 1.
- No, wait, it's Movie 1.
1659
01:23:45,039 --> 01:23:46,678
No! It's not Movie 1.
1660
01:23:46,679 --> 01:23:49,958
- Wait, is it the most recent one?
- Yeah, the most recent one.
1661
01:23:49,959 --> 01:23:52,621
- What's Frankensync?
- Hurry, honey, hurry.
1662
01:24:05,599 --> 01:24:07,958
It's okay. It was the right
thing to do. He's fine.
1663
01:24:07,959 --> 01:24:10,268
Shit. Are you okay?
1664
01:24:11,199 --> 01:24:12,478
I'm not okay, man.
1665
01:24:12,479 --> 01:24:15,798
Okay. Why doesn't Tess
bring you to the hospital
1666
01:24:15,799 --> 01:24:18,063
and I'll just make sure
your computer's okay.
1667
01:24:18,559 --> 01:24:20,424
- Dude!
- That's insane.
1668
01:24:20,559 --> 01:24:24,461
You take him to the hospital.
I will make sure the computer's okay.
1669
01:24:24,479 --> 01:24:27,949
- No, wait, I feel like I'm being...
- Careful, careful, careful.
1670
01:24:29,479 --> 01:24:30,798
Hey, guys.
1671
01:24:30,799 --> 01:24:34,958
Let's just take a minute and acknowledge
that we have a lot to celebrate.
1672
01:24:34,959 --> 01:24:37,478
Your mom gettin' an
offer on her blog.
1673
01:24:37,479 --> 01:24:40,398
- I'll get it.
- So why did you jump off the balcony?
1674
01:24:40,399 --> 01:24:43,238
I told you, sweetie. I tripped.
1675
01:24:43,239 --> 01:24:47,425
That's why it's very important
to always use the railings,
1676
01:24:47,799 --> 01:24:50,318
and to label your videos properly.
1677
01:24:50,319 --> 01:24:52,662
Can I go get some ice cream
with Howard and Marta?
1678
01:24:55,279 --> 01:24:57,429
- No.
- Why not?
1679
01:24:57,839 --> 01:24:59,638
Because it's family night.
1680
01:24:59,639 --> 01:25:02,918
And after this I think we
should all go get some donuts.
1681
01:25:02,919 --> 01:25:05,158
And maybe laser tag.
1682
01:25:05,159 --> 01:25:06,678
- Awesome.
- Are you sure?
1683
01:25:06,679 --> 01:25:10,198
- You can barely move over there.
- She's right.
1684
01:25:10,199 --> 01:25:11,939
I'm sure.
1685
01:25:17,639 --> 01:25:19,478
- Howard.
- Jay.
1686
01:25:19,479 --> 01:25:22,438
We told you, Clive is busy tonight.
1687
01:25:22,439 --> 01:25:24,304
A moment, please.
1688
01:25:32,159 --> 01:25:34,278
So? I see what you're up to, asshole.
1689
01:25:34,279 --> 01:25:36,478
I have no idea what you're
talkin' about, Howard.
1690
01:25:36,479 --> 01:25:38,344
Withholding Clive.
1691
01:25:38,559 --> 01:25:40,878
Looks like I might have
some moves of my own.
1692
01:25:40,879 --> 01:25:42,665
Might wanna watch your back.
1693
01:25:42,719 --> 01:25:44,318
Are you threatening me, Jay?
1694
01:25:44,319 --> 01:25:46,638
I ain't payin'
you shit, motherfucker.
1695
01:25:46,639 --> 01:25:50,078
Have you seen what I'm capable of?
I jumped off a fuckin' balcony.
1696
01:25:50,079 --> 01:25:51,398
You do not want to cross me.
1697
01:25:51,399 --> 01:25:54,982
I don't care anymore. And that
makes me fuckin' dangerous.
1698
01:25:56,079 --> 01:25:57,910
Yeah, boy.
1699
01:25:59,919 --> 01:26:04,398
This is the last copy of
your stupid tape. All right?
1700
01:26:04,399 --> 01:26:06,318
I deleted all of the other copies.
1701
01:26:06,319 --> 01:26:07,900
Why should I believe you?
1702
01:26:08,039 --> 01:26:09,478
Doin' it for Clive.
1703
01:26:09,479 --> 01:26:11,078
To protect him.
1704
01:26:11,079 --> 01:26:14,662
Can't have this shit out there,
so I'm makin' a sacrifice.
1705
01:26:15,759 --> 01:26:19,342
Plus, he's kinda my only friend and
I really wanna hang out with him.
1706
01:26:21,439 --> 01:26:23,862
I can respect that decision.
1707
01:26:23,879 --> 01:26:25,078
Believe me, Jay.
1708
01:26:25,079 --> 01:26:27,918
This is harder to give back to you
than you could ever imagine.
1709
01:26:27,919 --> 01:26:29,864
Yeah. It's a good move, though.
1710
01:26:32,879 --> 01:26:34,619
Let go of the fuckin' thing.
1711
01:26:39,599 --> 01:26:41,100
I'll be by tomorrow.
1712
01:26:41,959 --> 01:26:44,780
I'll see ya then, you fuckin' weirdo.
1713
01:26:47,079 --> 01:26:49,388
- That's it?
- Yep.
1714
01:26:49,599 --> 01:26:51,624
That's the last copy.
1715
01:26:51,959 --> 01:26:53,540
Okay?
1716
01:26:58,279 --> 01:27:00,065
Wait!
1717
01:27:01,879 --> 01:27:03,958
- Just this once?
- Just this once.
1718
01:27:03,959 --> 01:27:05,478
And we don't even have
to watch the whole thing.
1719
01:27:05,479 --> 01:27:07,629
We can just skip around
a little bit. Okay?
1720
01:27:07,799 --> 01:27:10,358
- Hello.
- Hi.
1721
01:27:10,359 --> 01:27:12,145
And welcome...
1722
01:27:13,159 --> 01:27:15,787
I'm glad that we didn't go
fucking roller skating.
1723
01:27:32,159 --> 01:27:34,478
Put your leg between my butt cheeks.
1724
01:27:34,479 --> 01:27:36,918
And then you lick my armpit.
1725
01:27:36,919 --> 01:27:39,078
- Really?
- That's what it says.
1726
01:27:39,079 --> 01:27:40,238
All right.
1727
01:27:40,239 --> 01:27:42,184
Armpit it is.
1728
01:27:48,199 --> 01:27:49,860
How is it?
1729
01:27:49,919 --> 01:27:51,198
It's fine.
1730
01:27:51,199 --> 01:27:54,179
- I'm gonna be so impressed.
- Okay, here I go.
1731
01:27:56,999 --> 01:27:59,706
One, two, three.
1732
01:28:00,999 --> 01:28:03,038
Okay. Good?
1733
01:28:03,039 --> 01:28:05,541
- All right. Get in there.
- Should I come in?
1734
01:28:06,519 --> 01:28:07,838
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
1735
01:28:07,839 --> 01:28:09,625
- Okay?
- Yeah.
1736
01:28:14,359 --> 01:28:16,878
- Yeah, totally, come on.
- Yeah? Okay.
1737
01:28:16,879 --> 01:28:20,064
Yeah. Of course, honey.
My God. This is so cute.
1738
01:28:25,119 --> 01:28:27,198
Thank you for doing this.
This is my dream.
1739
01:28:27,199 --> 01:28:29,303
Always wanted to do this.
1740
01:28:30,199 --> 01:28:32,508
- You got such a great outfit, honey.
- Thanks.
1741
01:28:33,399 --> 01:28:37,998
Take me out to the ball game
1742
01:28:37,999 --> 01:28:42,060
Take me out to the park
1743
01:28:42,239 --> 01:28:44,318
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks
1744
01:28:44,319 --> 01:28:50,144
I don't care if I ever get back
1745
01:28:50,759 --> 01:28:55,398
One, a-two, a-three
strikes you're out
1746
01:28:55,399 --> 01:29:02,862
At the old ball game
1747
01:29:03,839 --> 01:29:05,579
You ready?
1748
01:29:05,999 --> 01:29:08,706
Yeah. Totally.
1749
01:29:12,079 --> 01:29:13,638
My balls! My balls!
1750
01:29:13,639 --> 01:29:15,743
No, don't touch me,
don't touch me! Please!
1751
01:29:17,279 --> 01:29:18,780
Do it!
1752
01:29:20,079 --> 01:29:21,238
Fuck!
1753
01:29:21,239 --> 01:29:23,548
Oh, my God! I kneed
you in the vagina!
1754
01:29:25,039 --> 01:29:27,780
Honey, I ran track in college!
I can do this!
1755
01:29:31,799 --> 01:29:33,585
You stuck the landing!
1755
01:29:34,305 --> 01:29:40,461
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