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Previously
on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
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00:00:02,990 --> 00:00:05,190
This is Valencia. My girlfriend.
Hi.
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00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,030
And exhale on an "ah..."
Hey, do you want to go grab,
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00:00:08,030 --> 00:00:10,230
like, a coffee with me? Why
would you want to do that?
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PAULA: Look, I get what
you're doing with this girl.
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You befriend the enemy and you
get more face time with Josh.
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I'm so glad you moved here,
Becks.
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I don't know
what you're trying to do,
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or why you pretended
to be my friend,
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but stay away from me
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and my Josh.
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I am attracted to you.
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Very,
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very attracted to you.
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So he said "attracted,"
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but then he paused,
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and he said "very attracted."
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You mentioned that.
Okay, I mentioned it
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because it's the "very,"
all right?
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That's the wild card.
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"Very" is a very important word
in this, right?
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Think about it.
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You guys have a drink
called Very Berry Blast.
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I mean... I'm assuming
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that the "very"
means something. Right?
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Uh, we don't name 'em.
They just come from corporate.
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Okay, but that's-that's
just beside...
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beside the point.
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Maybe Josh was just
trying to be nice,
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like kind of...
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BOTH:
blowing you off?
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What?
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No, no.
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Come on... no.
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You do talk about him a lot.
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What is the history
with you two?
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? I was working hard
at a New York job ?
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? Making dough
but it made me blue ?
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? One day I was crying a lot ?
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? And so I decided to move ?
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? To West Covina, California ?
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? Brand-new pals
and new career ?
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? It happens to be
where Josh lives ?
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? But that's not why I'm here ?
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? She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend ?
What? No, I'm not.
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? She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend ?
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That's a sexist term.
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? She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend ?
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Can you guys stop singing
for just a second?
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? She's so broken inside ?
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The situation's a lot more
nuanced than that.
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? C-R-A-Z-Y ?
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Okay! We get it!
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? Crazy ex-girlfriend. ?
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Look, maybe the reason
I haven't heard from Josh
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is what he said.
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It's that he's very
attracted to me.
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You know, it's like...
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like, even if our arms brush,
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he gets a little tingle
down there.
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Hi, Becks!
(growling)
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Oh...
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(laughing):
Hey, hey, man.
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Wow, I haven't
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seen you, uh, in what,
four days?
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Yeah, I'm very sorry.
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Very?
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I've been very M.I.A.
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With the holidays,
I'm very slammed.
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There is very much
traffic today.
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(laughs) That's funny.
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So "very" is just
your go-to adverb.
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That's...
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Uh... uh, nothing.
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So you were saying?
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Yeah, we host Thanksgiving
at our house
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and we got cousins and aunts
and uncles pouring in
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from Temecula,
Glendale, San Mateo...
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Oh, wow.
Oh, Rancho
Cucamonga,
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Stockton, Pismo Beach,
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Solvang, Victorville...
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How about you?
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Well, I'm just gonna...
I forgot the M's.
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Uh, Modesto, Monrovia,
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Mendocino, and that's it.
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What are you doing
for Thanksgiving?
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Oh, bleh....
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I just go to the East Coast,
to Scarsdale with my mom
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and we watch
the World Dog Awards.
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Oh! And?
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We just roll some Craisins
in turkey slices,
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make little logs,
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and body-shame some puppies.
Cool!
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Most important thing, I guess,
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is that you'll be with family.
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You know, where you belong.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, where I...
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where I belong.
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00:03:03,380 --> 00:03:05,480
And I put the boba on
the side for Aunt Dhori.
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We know she likes to pop 'em
with her hand.
Thanks, guys.
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Have the best Thanksgiving,
Becks.
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Give your mother my very best.
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See you guys!
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Have a good one.
Peace!
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Very peace!
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(baby coos)
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MAN:
Okay, everybody ready?
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Say "cheese."
ALL: Cheese.
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That's good.
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(indistinct chatter)
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REBECCA:
Everyone belongs
somewhere but me.
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That's silly, honey.
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You've got family
back home in New York.
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I mean, not really.
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My dad bailed,
my mom's a misery,
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I ate my twin in the womb.
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I really don't want
to go home for the holiday.
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It's the last place
I want to be.
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Like I said,
you are more than welcome
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to my apocalypse
of a Thanksgiving.
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Yeah...
I mean, pull up a chair
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and enjoy Scott's racist uncle.
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You ate your twin?
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I mean, medically speaking,
I didn't "eat" it,
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I just metabolized
its body parts for my own use.
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Why don't you ask Josh
if you can go
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to his house for Thanksgiving?
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He said he's
"very attracted" to you,
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and we know what that means.
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Oh, God, don't even
get me started.
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I don't even know
what that means anymore.
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I do.
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A guy says something like that,
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00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:09,220
it means his
current relationship
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is about ready to bite the dust.
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He's putting out feelers.
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If you could go to his house
for the holiday...
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(sighs)
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I mean, would I like
to go to the Chans'?
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Would I like to be surrounded
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by the unconditional love
of a hundred Filipinos?
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Of course I would.
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Tell us the story!
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The library book story!
Again?
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00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:32,410
Well, no, I couldn't possibly.
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(chanting):
Library book story!
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Library book story!
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00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:40,350
Library book story!
Library book story!
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Please, Miss Rebecca,
just one more time.
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The library book story.
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00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,350
But you know it by heart by now.
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00:04:47,350 --> 00:04:50,180
Well, all right.
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00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:52,060
But if Josh was
going to invite me,
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he would've asked and he didn't,
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so just drop it.
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Why do you always
give up so easily?
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Do you think Angelina went
into Mr. & Mrs. Smith
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00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,570
with that kind of attitude?
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00:05:01,570 --> 00:05:03,170
If she had, no Shiloh,
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00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:04,400
no Maddox, no Vivienne...
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00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,400
Who do you think
belongs next to him
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and that turkey on Thursday?
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You or Venezuela?
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You know what? Thanksgiving is
a beautiful family holiday.
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Not gonna let you ruin it
with your scheming.
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Okay, okay...
Let's put it this way.
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Say a giant boulder
ran over Josh's girlfriend
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00:05:19,890 --> 00:05:21,660
and she was out of the picture.
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00:05:21,660 --> 00:05:23,280
How would you feel?
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I mean, I'd feel terrible!
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Okay? A boulder
would decimate her
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and her guts would
be everywhere.
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Okay, wow.
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Rebecca,
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you are getting close to Josh.
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00:05:33,430 --> 00:05:35,160
I can feel it.
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00:05:35,170 --> 00:05:36,440
And if you could just get
into that turkey dinner,
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you would be set.
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00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:41,670
It's the holidays, Paula.
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People don't always get
what they want.
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00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,020
(bird squawks)
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(whooping)
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? ?
185
00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,460
Mr. Kincaid, you shouldn't have.
186
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,690
Oh, you didn't.
187
00:06:00,690 --> 00:06:02,390
You never do.
188
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,600
Lynne, I think that's enough.
189
00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,400
I can't have you passing out
in the bleachers again.
190
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,400
You don't tell me what to do.
191
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Okay. Great.
192
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Good luck with that.
193
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(indistinct chatter)
194
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,320
REBECCA:
Greg! Greg!
195
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,120
Did you know that
for Thanksgiving
196
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,490
Chris' family makes tamales?
197
00:06:27,490 --> 00:06:28,960
I love it!
198
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,560
It's an update
on the corn theme.
199
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:32,460
You're just full of
fascinating facts.
200
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:35,200
Okay, Mr. Grumpy, I thought
we were friends again.
201
00:06:36,260 --> 00:06:37,320
Give me that smile.
202
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,500
There it is. Yeah.
203
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,400
So what are you doing for
Thanksgiving? Anything special?
204
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,140
Yep.
205
00:06:43,140 --> 00:06:44,570
This year everything
is gonna be different.
206
00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:46,510
Savor that,
207
00:06:46,510 --> 00:06:48,440
because that's the last drink
I'm ever gonna make you.
208
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:49,730
Yep, that's right.
209
00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:52,570
I am quitting this crappy job.
210
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:54,510
As soon as this shift ends.
211
00:06:54,510 --> 00:06:57,010
I can't wait to walk in
and tell my boss to shove it.
212
00:06:57,020 --> 00:06:59,050
It's gonna be all Jerry Maguire
213
00:06:59,050 --> 00:07:00,510
mixed in with
a little Norma Rae.
214
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,760
Oh, yeah. Someone stole
a Netflix password.
215
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:04,590
Yeah, I finally
saved up enough money
216
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:07,130
to move out
and to go to business school.
217
00:07:07,130 --> 00:07:09,460
I just have to find a nurse
for my dad first.
218
00:07:09,460 --> 00:07:11,060
Wow. Wait, business school?
219
00:07:11,060 --> 00:07:12,490
This is great.
This is what you wanted.
220
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:14,770
Yep. My dad's not gonna
be happy I'm moving out,
221
00:07:14,770 --> 00:07:17,100
but I figure I tell him
over Thanksgiving dinner,
222
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,660
then we'll patch things up
223
00:07:18,670 --> 00:07:20,400
over buffalo mozzarella
and prosciutto,
224
00:07:20,410 --> 00:07:22,240
just like they did
in the first Thanksgiving.
225
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,100
Wait. Really?
226
00:07:25,540 --> 00:07:27,540
I go to public school.
227
00:07:27,550 --> 00:07:29,050
Obviously.
228
00:07:29,050 --> 00:07:30,480
This is great.
229
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,610
This is...
everything you wanted.
230
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:34,090
You're moving on.
231
00:07:34,090 --> 00:07:36,460
It's awesome, you deserve it.
232
00:07:36,460 --> 00:07:38,060
I'm gonna miss you.
233
00:07:38,060 --> 00:07:40,630
Can I buy you a drink
before you move?
234
00:07:40,630 --> 00:07:42,560
What's the catch?
235
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,220
No catch. It's a free drink.
You in or out?
236
00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:46,470
In. Hey, V.
237
00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:48,530
Hey, Greg.
What brings you by?
238
00:07:48,530 --> 00:07:50,400
Oh, just picking Elena
up from softball.
239
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,400
Hey, Valencia.
240
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,070
Hey, V-ster.
V-dog?
241
00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:56,070
VW?
VW Bus?
242
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,410
What-what are your plans
for Thanksgiving, Valencia?
243
00:07:58,410 --> 00:07:59,470
Bye, Greg.
244
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,350
Bye, Valencia!
245
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:03,820
I like your sleeveless
crocheted trench coat!
246
00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:05,220
Wow.
247
00:08:05,220 --> 00:08:06,490
You guys have such
a great rapport.
248
00:08:06,490 --> 00:08:08,050
Yeah, she doesn't
like me so much.
249
00:08:08,050 --> 00:08:09,150
No, she doesn't like you a lot.
250
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:10,590
But to be fair,
251
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:11,490
she's probably in a bad mood
252
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:13,330
because it's Thanksgiving.
253
00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:14,630
She goes to Josh's house,
and it's tough for her.
254
00:08:14,630 --> 00:08:16,560
What, to bask
in the warm embrace
255
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,690
of a loving Filipino family?
Why is that tough?
256
00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:20,530
You don't know?
257
00:08:20,530 --> 00:08:22,230
The Chans don't like Valencia.
258
00:08:22,230 --> 00:08:23,530
Because Asians don't
like dumb people.
259
00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:25,540
Chris!
260
00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:27,240
So mildly racist.
261
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,640
It's a problem.
262
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,840
Every time Valencia has
to hang with the Chans,
263
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,340
she and Josh almost break up.
264
00:08:32,340 --> 00:08:34,270
I had no idea.
265
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,750
Poor Josh.
266
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:39,150
Poor Valencia, too.
267
00:08:39,150 --> 00:08:41,380
? ?
268
00:08:46,590 --> 00:08:48,090
REBECCA:
I can't get over it.
269
00:08:48,090 --> 00:08:50,250
Poor Josh. Poor Valencia.
270
00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:53,190
It must be awful to go
to your boyfriend's house
271
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,100
and just not feel
like you belong.
272
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,860
Yeah, it's really unfortunate.
273
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,870
I've never been to this place.
274
00:08:59,870 --> 00:09:03,130
There's a lot of bok choy
275
00:09:03,140 --> 00:09:06,470
and live fish with whiskers.
276
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,380
And all the Asians.
277
00:09:09,780 --> 00:09:11,180
What are you up to?
278
00:09:11,180 --> 00:09:12,610
Don't you understand
279
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,490
that the tension between
Valencia and the Chans,
280
00:09:14,490 --> 00:09:16,590
that's your in,
that's your boulder.
281
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,290
You are gonna crush
her little bird bones.
282
00:09:18,290 --> 00:09:19,660
What's going on?
What am I doing here?
283
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,660
You are a parent's dream.
284
00:09:21,660 --> 00:09:23,660
And as soon as Josh's parents
get a look at you,
285
00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:25,120
they're going to fall in love.
286
00:09:25,130 --> 00:09:26,520
And he will follow.
287
00:09:26,530 --> 00:09:29,530
Okay... but how are they going
to get a look at me?
288
00:09:29,540 --> 00:09:33,470
I don't exactly see them
around anywhere...
289
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,640
Mrs. Chan.
290
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,500
Oh, I get it.
291
00:09:39,510 --> 00:09:41,340
I see what you did there Yep.
292
00:09:41,350 --> 00:09:42,780
Should've seen that coming.
293
00:09:42,780 --> 00:09:44,840
? ?
294
00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:52,590
MAN:
The boss is back.
Look busy.
295
00:09:54,230 --> 00:09:55,560
Hey, Kevin.
296
00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:58,900
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Sure, what's up?
297
00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:01,530
I'll tell you what's up.
298
00:10:01,530 --> 00:10:04,430
What's up is that every day
I work in this bar,
299
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:07,640
I feel like I am eating
a sandwich of bile and tears.
300
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,340
Ugh.
Shh. Please.
301
00:10:09,340 --> 00:10:10,670
I have a thing prepared.
302
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:11,810
I'm here to tell you
303
00:10:11,810 --> 00:10:14,280
that I've reached the Rubicon,
304
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,280
my own personal tipping point...
305
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,540
Nice line.
306
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:18,580
You write that?
307
00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:19,840
Wait, are you quitting?
308
00:10:19,850 --> 00:10:21,380
Good for you!
309
00:10:21,390 --> 00:10:22,690
Kevin, please.
I gotta get this out.
310
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,760
I quit this bar!
311
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:26,390
Yeah, I just said that.
312
00:10:26,390 --> 00:10:28,520
I quit making blended drinks
for bad tippers.
313
00:10:28,530 --> 00:10:30,930
I quit using a cash register
that spells mojito with an "H."
314
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:33,430
I quit your terrible breath.
315
00:10:33,430 --> 00:10:35,430
Appreciate the feedback.
316
00:10:35,430 --> 00:10:36,360
I had a dental procedure.
317
00:10:36,370 --> 00:10:37,940
I really should irrigate
318
00:10:37,940 --> 00:10:40,640
more frequently.
Kevin, you're
ruining this for me.
319
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,580
Wait, are you going back
to business school?!
320
00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:44,380
This is fantastic!
321
00:10:44,380 --> 00:10:46,750
I always wondered
when you were gonna!
322
00:10:46,750 --> 00:10:49,750
You're too good for this place.
323
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:51,320
(chuckles)
Now, bring it here.
324
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,390
What...?
325
00:10:55,390 --> 00:10:57,960
Now, you, get out of here!
326
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,400
How did you know she was here?
327
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:07,670
It's best if I don't
share that with you.
328
00:11:07,670 --> 00:11:09,240
Come on, let's go talk to her.
329
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:10,470
No, I don't want to talk to her.
330
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:11,600
This is embarrassing.
331
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,630
Paula, come on.
I don't want to make
332
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:14,680
an ass of myself...
Oh, oh!
333
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,230
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Chan.
334
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:17,300
Oh, hello.
335
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,250
Hi, Mrs. Chan.
336
00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:20,410
I don't know if you remember me.
337
00:11:20,410 --> 00:11:21,710
I'm Rebecca Bunch.
338
00:11:21,710 --> 00:11:23,740
I went to camp
with your son Josh
339
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,650
like ten-ish years ago.
340
00:11:26,650 --> 00:11:28,480
Oh, of course!
341
00:11:28,490 --> 00:11:31,390
You two had that
adorable little romance!
342
00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:32,990
Right, I called the
house a couple times.
343
00:11:32,990 --> 00:11:35,590
Left a couple funny messages.
344
00:11:35,590 --> 00:11:36,590
How have you been?
345
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,600
I've been so grea... great.
346
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:38,730
How has she been?!
347
00:11:38,730 --> 00:11:41,030
Harvard undergrad,
Yale law, 1550 SATs,
348
00:11:41,030 --> 00:11:43,890
winner NCAJ Mock Trial
Championships.
349
00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:46,530
Oh, that is all very,
350
00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:47,970
uh, impressive.
351
00:11:47,970 --> 00:11:49,270
Isn't it?
352
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,580
Hi. Paula, coworker,
confidant.
353
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,380
(laughs)
354
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,450
Rebecca, welcome to town.
355
00:11:55,450 --> 00:11:56,820
You should join us
for dinner sometime.
356
00:11:56,820 --> 00:11:58,690
That's so sweet of you.
I would love that.
357
00:11:58,690 --> 00:12:00,280
What about tomorrow?
358
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,660
Paula, no, that's Thanksgiving.
359
00:12:03,660 --> 00:12:05,790
And you have nowhere to go.
360
00:12:05,790 --> 00:12:07,790
You poor thing.
361
00:12:07,790 --> 00:12:09,650
She saw her parents
murdered in front of her...
362
00:12:09,660 --> 00:12:12,690
in an alley...
in Gotham.
363
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:13,930
Oh, dear.
364
00:12:13,930 --> 00:12:16,760
Just like Batman.
365
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:17,740
Yes.
366
00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:18,810
So Paula's... I'm sorry.
367
00:12:18,810 --> 00:12:20,360
Paula's joking.
368
00:12:20,370 --> 00:12:21,970
My parents aren't dead.
369
00:12:21,970 --> 00:12:23,830
They're just abandoning
and frigid, so...
370
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,340
I see.
371
00:12:25,340 --> 00:12:26,970
That's also very terrible.
372
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,610
Exactly.
Uh, guess so.
373
00:12:28,610 --> 00:12:30,540
I mean, I would ask her
to come to my house,
374
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,620
but we're going to Paris.
375
00:12:32,620 --> 00:12:34,360
'Cause that's where we autumn.
376
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,680
It's like wintering but cheaper.
377
00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:38,490
Aw, Rebecca!
378
00:12:38,490 --> 00:12:40,790
You shouldn't be alone
on Thanksgiving.
379
00:12:40,790 --> 00:12:43,690
Why don't you come over
and spend the holiday with us?
380
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:46,670
Josh will be so thrilled.
381
00:12:46,670 --> 00:12:48,870
Oh... um...
382
00:12:48,870 --> 00:12:51,000
I would love that.
383
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,100
Yeah.
384
00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:54,700
That's so generous of you.
385
00:12:54,710 --> 00:12:56,040
I would be honored.
386
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,700
What can I bring?
387
00:12:57,710 --> 00:13:00,480
Oh, just bring your appetite,
my dear.
388
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:01,680
See you tomorrow.
389
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,650
Okay, thank you so much again.
Bye.
390
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,750
Bye!
391
00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:07,550
Whoa! Whoa!
392
00:13:07,550 --> 00:13:09,480
I'm actually going to...
Wait... a real Thanksgiving
393
00:13:09,490 --> 00:13:11,460
with a real family?!
I know.
394
00:13:11,460 --> 00:13:12,860
Wait, oh, no, wait.
395
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,490
What's Josh gonna think
396
00:13:14,490 --> 00:13:15,920
when I just show up
to his house randomly?
397
00:13:15,930 --> 00:13:17,660
Yeah, we're gonna
find out in a second.
398
00:13:17,660 --> 00:13:18,890
She's texting him right now.
399
00:13:22,130 --> 00:13:24,800
(phone chimes)
400
00:13:30,980 --> 00:13:32,450
You're an evil genius.
401
00:13:32,450 --> 00:13:33,740
Uh-huh, yeah.
402
00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:34,810
You're welcome.
403
00:13:34,810 --> 00:13:36,110
Welcome to the fam-bam.
404
00:13:39,590 --> 00:13:42,720
? It's got to be love ?
405
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,780
? What else could
feel like this? ?
406
00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:46,890
(birds chirping in distance)
407
00:13:46,890 --> 00:13:49,920
? It's got to be love ?
408
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,930
? It started with... ?
409
00:13:51,930 --> 00:13:54,000
(door closes)
410
00:13:56,070 --> 00:13:59,470
Dad, what is this...
A heart-attack buffet?
411
00:13:59,470 --> 00:14:01,170
Get off my ass, Greg.
It's a holiday.
412
00:14:01,170 --> 00:14:03,430
I'm enjoying the things
that make life worthwhile.
413
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,770
Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's
for Sinatra and Tormé.
414
00:14:05,780 --> 00:14:07,720
By all means, serve the high-end
food to your macaws.
415
00:14:07,710 --> 00:14:09,870
It's not enough that you
let them crap in the shower.
416
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,580
I'm training them.
417
00:14:11,580 --> 00:14:12,740
Dad, all I'm saying is,
if you're gonna go
418
00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:13,640
through the trouble
to train them,
419
00:14:13,650 --> 00:14:15,410
train them to use the toilet.
420
00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:16,710
Oh, that's a good
idea... they're birds.
421
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,050
Maybe I should train them
to wipe their ass.
422
00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:19,060
(laughs)
423
00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:20,690
(coughing)
424
00:14:20,690 --> 00:14:21,690
Do you need the oxygen tank?
425
00:14:21,690 --> 00:14:23,720
No, no, no, no.
Stop it.
426
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:26,060
Why you bothering me?
427
00:14:26,060 --> 00:14:28,060
Isn't there some girl
you could be trying to bang?
428
00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:31,040
Oh, what about that, that crazy
girl you met at the party?
429
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:32,940
The one from the taco festival?
430
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,640
Why do I tell you anything?
431
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:35,670
Oh, right, I was drunk.
432
00:14:35,670 --> 00:14:37,540
That girl's not for me, Dad.
433
00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:38,940
Trust me, Dad,
listen.
Sure.
434
00:14:38,940 --> 00:14:40,770
Listen to me.
435
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,650
There's something
I want to talk to you about.
436
00:14:42,650 --> 00:14:45,050
Some, um,
changes I want to make.
437
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:46,750
Me, too.
438
00:14:46,750 --> 00:14:48,650
I'm thinking
about a third macaw.
439
00:14:48,650 --> 00:14:51,220
I'm thinking Bennett
for Tony Bennett.
440
00:14:51,220 --> 00:14:53,480
(laughs)
441
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,800
Oh, so serious.
442
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:57,770
What is it?
443
00:14:57,770 --> 00:14:59,920
Tell me.
(coughing)
444
00:14:59,930 --> 00:15:03,030
I'll get the tank.
445
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:06,110
Yep, yep... ah.
446
00:15:08,140 --> 00:15:09,680
MAN:
So you want to speak Tagalog,
447
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:11,680
the mother tongue
of the Philippines.
448
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,010
Let's start with "Hello."
449
00:15:13,010 --> 00:15:14,840
Mabuhay... say it with me.
450
00:15:14,850 --> 00:15:16,650
BOTH:
Mabuhay.
451
00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:17,820
"Nice to meet you."
452
00:15:17,820 --> 00:15:22,590
BOTH:
Natutwa akong makilala kayo.
453
00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:25,820
Okay, I know
I'm forgetting something.
454
00:15:25,820 --> 00:15:27,750
(gasps)
455
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,800
Whoa! Ooh!
456
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,070
No, okay.
457
00:15:55,050 --> 00:15:56,850
(knocking)
458
00:15:56,860 --> 00:15:58,560
PAULA:
Heya!
459
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,190
Whew, something
smells weird in here.
460
00:16:01,190 --> 00:16:03,620
Oh, uh, well,
it's a Filipino dish
461
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,160
called dinuguan... it consists
of pork cooked in pork's blood.
462
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,630
Do you want to try some?
463
00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:09,760
Uh, thanks, but I think
464
00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:12,770
I'm all full up
from the wonderful smell.
465
00:16:12,770 --> 00:16:14,420
You know what? That's just
466
00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:16,070
your culturally insensitive
taste buds talking.
467
00:16:16,070 --> 00:16:17,600
Okay, I can only
stay for a second.
468
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,250
I'm making pies
for people that I hate.
469
00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:23,010
Which is mixed emotions for me,
because I like pie.
470
00:16:23,020 --> 00:16:24,020
Okay.
471
00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:26,820
As discussed, here it is.
472
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:30,990
This brooch contains a small
video camera and microphone.
473
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,960
It's exactly like
the teddy bear nanny cam
474
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,690
that we used in the Gatwick
divorce, but with audio.
475
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:37,120
No...
So it will
transmit everything
476
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,900
you see and hear directly
to an app on my phone,
477
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:42,340
so I will not miss
any of your triumph.
478
00:16:42,340 --> 00:16:44,260
(laughs)
479
00:16:44,270 --> 00:16:46,110
This isn't weird, right?
Is it weird?
480
00:16:46,110 --> 00:16:47,900
No.
481
00:16:47,910 --> 00:16:49,340
Okay, cool.
482
00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:51,800
I got to go, but I cannot wait
483
00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:54,980
to watch you push Valderrama
out of the picture.
484
00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:01,260
? ?
485
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:07,790
REBECCA:
? I give good parent ?
486
00:17:07,790 --> 00:17:09,890
? She gives good parent ?
487
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:11,300
REBECCA:
? I give good parent ?
488
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,370
MRS. CHAN:
? She gives real good parent ?
489
00:17:13,370 --> 00:17:15,130
REBECCA:
? I give good parent ?
490
00:17:15,130 --> 00:17:17,090
MRS. CHAN:
? She gives good parent ?
491
00:17:17,100 --> 00:17:18,900
? To parents like me ?
492
00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:21,800
? I was born gifted,
been blessed ?
493
00:17:21,810 --> 00:17:23,810
? Din-din guest
for the win... yes ?
494
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,780
? When I pull up, gym test ?
495
00:17:25,780 --> 00:17:27,280
? Prepare for your parents
to be impressed ?
496
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,680
? I present proper
like a TED talker ?
497
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,740
? Got your current chick
lookin' like Greg Focker ?
498
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:33,620
? I'm here to conquer,
I've come to slaughter ?
499
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,160
? These dads and moms
is my sons and daughters ?
500
00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:36,980
? Skilled seductress,
I will kill and crush this ?
501
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:39,260
? This is my business
and I'm built for success ?
502
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:41,090
? Expect to witness
a familial love fest ?
503
00:17:41,090 --> 00:17:42,850
? Valencia, you're zip,
zilch and bupkis ?
504
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:45,620
? I give good parent ?
505
00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:47,630
? She gives good parent ?
506
00:17:47,630 --> 00:17:49,390
? I give good parent ?
507
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,400
? She gives real good parent ?
508
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:52,900
? I give good parent ?
509
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,970
? She gives good parent ?
510
00:17:54,970 --> 00:17:56,970
? To parents like me ?
511
00:17:56,980 --> 00:17:59,850
? Brought a nice red,
so when I come in the place ?
512
00:17:59,850 --> 00:18:01,650
? I already got 'em
heated up under the waist ?
513
00:18:01,650 --> 00:18:03,350
? Your home's such
a beautiful, comfortable space ?
514
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:05,680
? Bitches, you two
have wonderful taste ?
515
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,180
? Sit down at the table
and I'm murdering ?
516
00:18:07,190 --> 00:18:09,920
? Inquiring what
line of work they're in ?
517
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,080
? Making faces
like I'm crazed erotically ?
518
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,160
? Wait, my uncle
is in radiology ?
519
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,030
? Every dish is delicious,
Michelin Star ?
520
00:18:15,030 --> 00:18:17,030
? Please pass the arroz
like I passed the bar ?
521
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,400
? An attorney? ?
? Yale law, Harvard undergrad ?
522
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,230
? Got the Chan fam damp
in their underpants ?
523
00:18:20,230 --> 00:18:22,030
? Dad tells jokes,
I squeal in amusement ?
524
00:18:22,030 --> 00:18:24,260
? I agree that Neil Diamond
is real music ?
525
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,810
? Gonna suck up and kiss ass
till I have 'em eatin' ?
526
00:18:26,810 --> 00:18:28,040
? Outta this hand like
they're eatin' this what? ?
527
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,110
? I'm DTF, but understand me ?
528
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:32,040
? It means I'm dazzling
the family ?
529
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,900
? Like an anaconda,
bitch, I'm immense ?
530
00:18:33,910 --> 00:18:35,940
? And you a common wench,
so grovel, Valence ?
531
00:18:35,950 --> 00:18:37,950
? Boss-ass bitch,
no one's above me ?
532
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,750
? End of the night,
they line up to hug me ?
533
00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:41,450
? Oh, my gosh,
this was so lovely ?
534
00:18:41,450 --> 00:18:43,710
? To be clear, your parents
want to have sex with me ?
535
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,050
? I give good parent ?
536
00:18:46,060 --> 00:18:47,930
MRS. CHAN:
? She gives good parent ?
537
00:18:47,930 --> 00:18:50,060
? I give good parent ?
538
00:18:50,060 --> 00:18:52,360
? To parents like me. ?
539
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:54,430
(laughs)
540
00:18:54,430 --> 00:18:55,890
(laughter)
541
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:57,760
So I open up
the chest in the attic,
542
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,400
and there it is!
543
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,030
Let's just say that was
one very late library book.
544
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,010
(laughter)
545
00:19:07,110 --> 00:19:09,110
Oh, my God,
your sisters love that story.
546
00:19:09,110 --> 00:19:11,010
Yeah, up top, Jayma.
Yeah!
547
00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:12,480
Up top, Jastenity.
548
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:13,980
Okay.
549
00:19:13,990 --> 00:19:15,920
Whoa.
550
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:16,950
My dad never smiles.
551
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,060
You almost got one there.
552
00:19:18,060 --> 00:19:20,130
So, um, how did
553
00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:22,030
your Thanksgiving
food plan work out?
554
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:23,900
I noticed that you had
a lot of the dinuguan.
555
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:25,130
Yeah, it looked
so good this year,
556
00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:27,070
I nixed the yams
with the marshmallows.
557
00:19:27,070 --> 00:19:29,740
Interesting.
Uh, fun fact... I made it.
558
00:19:29,740 --> 00:19:31,140
No. No, you did not.
559
00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:32,510
Yeah.
Get out of here.
560
00:19:32,510 --> 00:19:35,230
Are you sure you're
not Filipino?
561
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,040
I wish, I wish I could be
from your country.
562
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:39,000
I can only be so lucky.
563
00:19:39,010 --> 00:19:41,010
MRS. CHAN:
Oh, Rebecca.
564
00:19:41,010 --> 00:19:43,740
It's wonderful that you
are such a bookworm.
565
00:19:43,750 --> 00:19:46,180
Ah, we have something in common.
566
00:19:46,180 --> 00:19:48,350
I am in a very
interesting book club.
567
00:19:48,350 --> 00:19:50,050
I love books and clubs.
568
00:19:50,060 --> 00:19:51,860
Two of my favorite things.
569
00:19:51,860 --> 00:19:53,990
You should join.
570
00:19:53,990 --> 00:19:55,890
We would love to have
a young person like you.
571
00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:57,920
Oh, yeah.
I would love to go
572
00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,100
to your book club,
too, Mrs. Chan.
573
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:00,170
I actually just read a book.
574
00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:01,540
It's about journaling.
575
00:20:01,540 --> 00:20:03,260
Lea Michele wrote it.
576
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:04,370
Lots of blank pages.
577
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:05,970
So it's basically a journal.
578
00:20:05,970 --> 00:20:09,900
Uh-huh, I see.
(laughs)
579
00:20:09,910 --> 00:20:12,210
Would you like
more turkey, Rebecca?
580
00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:16,050
Ma, you promised to be nicer
to Valencia this year.
581
00:20:16,050 --> 00:20:18,120
What?
582
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,150
? ?
583
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:31,820
(Paula laughing)
584
00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:37,200
What you watching?
585
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,800
Your soap?
586
00:20:40,140 --> 00:20:41,140
Yeah, my soap opera.
587
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:42,840
I knew it.
588
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,200
I remember you liked that.
589
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:46,210
All of My Days
or something like that?
590
00:20:46,210 --> 00:20:48,210
That's the, that's the one.
591
00:20:51,220 --> 00:20:52,990
All right, Dad,
let me get this out.
592
00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:56,010
Listen, I love living
with you...
593
00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:59,560
Dad?
594
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,830
Dad?
Damn it!
595
00:21:08,970 --> 00:21:10,170
We've been here before.
596
00:21:10,170 --> 00:21:12,100
He needs one in the small
of his back.
597
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:13,900
Otherwise, the farts
have nowhere to go.
598
00:21:13,910 --> 00:21:14,880
Here, I can do it.
599
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,300
Oh, thanks, Greg.
600
00:21:17,310 --> 00:21:18,610
I don't like a hot butt.
601
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:20,110
Nobody does, Dad.
602
00:21:20,110 --> 00:21:21,540
(knocking)
603
00:21:21,550 --> 00:21:24,020
Um, may I speak
with you privately, Mr. Serrano?
604
00:21:27,450 --> 00:21:28,950
So we were able
to stabilize him,
605
00:21:28,950 --> 00:21:30,450
but we have a couple
of concerns.
606
00:21:30,460 --> 00:21:32,290
One, his oxygen levels
are too low,
607
00:21:32,290 --> 00:21:33,990
so we need to run
some more tests.
608
00:21:33,990 --> 00:21:37,990
And two... your dad keeps
asking me to go outside
609
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,870
and have a cigarette
and some whiskey with him.
610
00:21:39,870 --> 00:21:41,930
Mm.
Not okay.
611
00:21:41,930 --> 00:21:42,960
In a lot of ways.
612
00:21:42,970 --> 00:21:46,070
MARCO:
Cathy, the menthols?
613
00:21:46,070 --> 00:21:48,300
I'm sorry he still smokes...
614
00:21:48,310 --> 00:21:50,910
and drinks and
literally eats lard.
615
00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:53,140
He doesn't listen
to me, he never has.
616
00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:55,540
Well, that's not the problem...
I mean, it is a problem...
617
00:21:55,550 --> 00:21:57,980
It's just that
his emphysema has progressed
618
00:21:57,980 --> 00:21:59,580
from a stage one to a stage two,
619
00:21:59,580 --> 00:22:01,010
which means we need
to change the protocol,
620
00:22:01,020 --> 00:22:02,190
add some medications.
621
00:22:02,190 --> 00:22:04,290
Okay.
622
00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:05,960
The thing is,
our best treatment options
623
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,490
aren't covered
by your insurance.
624
00:22:07,490 --> 00:22:10,490
So if you'd like to proceed,
I'll need your approval.
625
00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:12,400
How much is it going...?
626
00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:16,940
Whoa, how am I supposed
to pay for that?
627
00:22:16,940 --> 00:22:20,510
? ?
628
00:22:20,510 --> 00:22:22,510
Here you go, I'll take that.
629
00:22:22,510 --> 00:22:24,340
And I will take that, sir.
630
00:22:24,340 --> 00:22:25,970
Sit, sit, sit.
631
00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:27,180
Honestly, I just want
some private time
632
00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:29,010
so I can lick all these
plates myself.
633
00:22:29,010 --> 00:22:31,010
Too gross or too honest?
Take a vote, BRB.
634
00:22:31,020 --> 00:22:32,090
(laughs)
635
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:37,310
Oh, honey, well, look at that.
636
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:38,950
You've barely eaten anything.
637
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,160
You must be starving.
638
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:41,260
Of course I'm starving.
639
00:22:41,260 --> 00:22:42,960
I've been starving since 1998.
640
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,590
You know what, that is
the media telling you
641
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,330
what your body should be,
and it just gets my goat...
642
00:22:47,330 --> 00:22:49,330
Oh, cut the crap.
643
00:22:49,330 --> 00:22:52,260
I see what you're doing,
sucking up to Josh's parents.
644
00:22:52,270 --> 00:22:54,110
Well, it's not gonna work.
645
00:22:54,110 --> 00:22:57,680
Parents may love brown-nosers,
but men, like Josh, love me.
646
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,110
(scoffs)
647
00:22:59,110 --> 00:23:01,050
You are out of your depth.
648
00:23:01,050 --> 00:23:03,380
You don't understand
our relationship,
649
00:23:03,380 --> 00:23:05,210
and you don't understand Josh.
650
00:23:05,220 --> 00:23:06,420
We have history.
651
00:23:06,420 --> 00:23:08,050
We have chemistry.
652
00:23:08,050 --> 00:23:10,250
Well, that's a lot
of academic subjects.
653
00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:12,260
You think he's
gonna find you sexy
654
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:14,160
when you're spending all day
shopping with his mom
655
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,360
for visors?
656
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,560
Ooh, girl, hang in there.
657
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,160
(clicks tongue)
658
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,160
Oh, honey.
659
00:23:21,170 --> 00:23:23,000
You're having a tough day.
660
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,230
I get it, the holidays
can be stressful.
661
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:26,640
Can I get you anything?
662
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,970
Maybe a hot cup of arroz caldo?
663
00:23:28,970 --> 00:23:31,200
I don't need chicken soup,
thank you.
664
00:23:31,210 --> 00:23:33,650
Chicken soup is just
hot melted fat water.
665
00:23:33,650 --> 00:23:36,720
You don't belong here...
This is not your family.
666
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,490
And good luck digesting
all that gross food.
667
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,120
That's culturally insensitive.
668
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,660
LOURDES:
Time for the family photo.
669
00:23:46,660 --> 00:23:48,530
Don't belong here?
That's ridiculous.
670
00:23:48,530 --> 00:23:50,060
Smile!
(camera shutter clicks)
671
00:23:57,740 --> 00:23:59,210
Hey, Kevin.
672
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,540
Listen, um...
673
00:24:04,540 --> 00:24:07,400
I said a lot of regrettable
things yesterday,
674
00:24:07,410 --> 00:24:10,040
and I wanted you
to know I'm sorry.
675
00:24:10,050 --> 00:24:11,180
You were only saying what
others were thinking.
676
00:24:11,180 --> 00:24:12,580
Thank you.
677
00:24:12,580 --> 00:24:14,710
I got a tongue scraper.
678
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,760
Things are looking
hhhheeexxxcellent.
679
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:18,760
(chuckles)
680
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,060
That's terrific.
681
00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:22,090
It's minty.
Yeah.
682
00:24:22,090 --> 00:24:24,220
You want your job
back, don't you?
683
00:24:24,230 --> 00:24:26,200
I do.
684
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,400
You think that's the first
Netflix quit I've seen?
685
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,400
Had a busboy do the entire
Peter Finch speech from Network.
686
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,400
Shouted out of a
window and everything.
687
00:24:33,410 --> 00:24:35,040
Oh, it was Javier.
688
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,410
JAVIER:
Welcome back, Greg.
689
00:24:36,410 --> 00:24:40,050
"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not
gonna take it anymore!"
690
00:24:40,050 --> 00:24:41,680
Oh, it was great.
691
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:42,780
You should have been there.
692
00:24:42,780 --> 00:24:45,540
Ah, they all come back.
693
00:24:45,550 --> 00:24:48,520
Greg, you want your
job back, it's yours.
694
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,090
Ah.
Ooh.
695
00:24:51,090 --> 00:24:52,720
Ah, ah.
(chuckles)
696
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,790
I forgot how much fun
it was here... I missed that.
697
00:24:55,790 --> 00:24:58,190
Yeah.
Um, listen, I really
appreciate this,
698
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,630
but I don't want to work
today, it's Thanksgiving,
699
00:25:00,630 --> 00:25:03,590
and I have seniority,
I can pick my shifts.
700
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,060
Had seniority.
701
00:25:05,070 --> 00:25:06,240
So sorry.
702
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:07,470
Oh, and, uh...
703
00:25:07,470 --> 00:25:10,100
the toilets are clogged.
704
00:25:10,110 --> 00:25:12,210
Who flushes a jump rope?
705
00:25:13,810 --> 00:25:15,070
So sorry.
706
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,320
Aunt Dhori, I insist
707
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:18,720
that you call me.
708
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,550
I think we have
a case here, I really do.
709
00:25:20,550 --> 00:25:23,380
Listen, if the frozen
dinner box says
710
00:25:23,390 --> 00:25:26,830
that there are five shrimp,
there should be five, not four.
711
00:25:26,830 --> 00:25:28,660
Yeah, totally.
712
00:25:28,660 --> 00:25:29,730
Okay.
713
00:25:29,730 --> 00:25:31,560
Call me, yeah.
714
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,560
Rebecca, thank you so much
for coming today.
715
00:25:34,570 --> 00:25:38,200
We are so thankful
God sent you to us.
716
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:39,630
REBECCA: Oh...
(both chuckle)
717
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,240
"God sent you to us."
718
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:43,840
Aw, that's nice, Paula.
719
00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:44,840
Thought you hated me.
720
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,240
I do.
721
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:47,670
Everyone hates you.
722
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,880
You're racist.
723
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:54,710
Well, um, thanks
again for everything.
724
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:58,220
I guess I should really go.
725
00:25:58,220 --> 00:25:59,650
Yeah, you really should.
726
00:25:59,660 --> 00:26:01,860
Valencia.
What? She wants to go.
727
00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:04,330
Well, good-bye.
728
00:26:04,330 --> 00:26:06,560
Bye, Jayma. Bye, Jastenity.
729
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:07,890
Wait, Rebecca.
730
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:10,740
Would you join our
family for mass?
731
00:26:10,740 --> 00:26:12,300
We'd love to have you.
732
00:26:12,300 --> 00:26:14,360
Um, she's Jewish.
733
00:26:16,140 --> 00:26:18,800
I would be so honored,
Mrs. Chan, thank you.
734
00:26:18,810 --> 00:26:20,480
Wow, can I just say,
735
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:24,280
you have made me feel
like I truly belong.
736
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,310
Oh, of course you do.
737
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:29,290
Great, I'll also join for mass
738
00:26:29,290 --> 00:26:32,290
because I actually
believe in Jesus.
739
00:26:32,290 --> 00:26:33,490
(chuckling):
Knock yourself out.
740
00:26:33,490 --> 00:26:35,320
It's a public place of worship.
741
00:26:35,330 --> 00:26:36,590
(stomach gurgling)
742
00:26:36,590 --> 00:26:39,190
Uh, where is your powder room
really quickly?
743
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:40,930
Oh, it's just down
the hall, sweetie.
744
00:26:40,930 --> 00:26:42,260
Okay... thank you.
745
00:26:42,270 --> 00:26:43,600
I'll be right...
746
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,660
Thanks.
(stomach gurgling)
747
00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:48,870
(speaks indistinctly)
748
00:26:50,810 --> 00:26:52,880
(cell phone ringing)
749
00:26:54,510 --> 00:26:56,270
(whispering):
Hey. Hey, Paula.
750
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:58,880
Hey, cookie,
you are crushing it!
751
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:00,540
Yeah, I know,
it's going so well.
752
00:27:00,550 --> 00:27:01,650
Okay, listen.
753
00:27:01,650 --> 00:27:03,350
I have to go to the bathroom,
754
00:27:03,350 --> 00:27:04,750
(door slams)
but I will call you...
755
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,390
Wait-wait, wait-wait,
wait, hold on.
756
00:27:06,390 --> 00:27:07,750
Hold on. Hold it,
somebody's here.
757
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:09,390
Oh, crap.
758
00:27:09,390 --> 00:27:11,560
I really have to poo-poo.
Okay, hold on.
759
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,890
VALENCIA: I'm so... I try so
hard to be nice to your mom,
760
00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:15,700
and all she ever gives me
is stink face.
761
00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:17,600
Hold on, shh, shh, shh.
JOSH: Babe, babe, babe,
she-she loves you.
762
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,430
And you just stood
there doing nothing
763
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,370
while she sucked up to everyone
like a vacuum cleaner.
764
00:27:21,370 --> 00:27:22,770
(gasps)
Come on, Rebecca
was just being nice.
765
00:27:22,770 --> 00:27:24,370
It's Josh and Valencia.
Nice?!
766
00:27:24,380 --> 00:27:26,410
VALENCIA:
So naive, Josh!
767
00:27:26,410 --> 00:27:28,240
You don't see who she really is.
768
00:27:28,250 --> 00:27:31,250
(gasps)
They're fighting.
769
00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:33,590
It's so sad.
770
00:27:33,590 --> 00:27:35,420
Oh, my God, I can hear it.
771
00:27:35,420 --> 00:27:37,260
You didn't even sit next to me.
772
00:27:37,260 --> 00:27:39,260
I told you I wanted to
be closer to the turkey.
773
00:27:39,260 --> 00:27:40,790
I like the skin!
774
00:27:40,790 --> 00:27:42,320
PAULA: I can hear it.
Why don't you
stick up for me?
775
00:27:42,330 --> 00:27:43,900
Oh, my God, this is it...
This is the boulder.
776
00:27:43,900 --> 00:27:45,300
Wait-wait, wait, wait, wait,
shh, shh, shh.
777
00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:46,730
Wait, wait, I can't hear.
778
00:27:46,730 --> 00:27:48,660
Wait.
779
00:27:48,670 --> 00:27:49,670
It's gone quiet.
780
00:27:49,670 --> 00:27:51,470
What happened?
781
00:27:51,470 --> 00:27:52,900
Did she kill him?
782
00:27:52,900 --> 00:27:54,700
(mattress springs
squeak rhythmically)
783
00:27:56,670 --> 00:27:58,300
What is that sound?
784
00:27:58,310 --> 00:28:01,510
Wait, I don't know.
785
00:28:01,510 --> 00:28:05,010
Maybe it's a tiny trampoline.
786
00:28:05,020 --> 00:28:07,320
Or a ghost with a rusty knee?
787
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,490
(Valencia moans)
Oh, my God, Rebecca,
are they...?
788
00:28:09,490 --> 00:28:11,560
(Josh and Valencia moaning)
789
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:13,930
Oh, no.
790
00:28:13,930 --> 00:28:16,000
(Valencia moans)
JOSH: Oh, yeah.
791
00:28:22,300 --> 00:28:24,300
Run out of the room.
792
00:28:24,300 --> 00:28:25,800
Just sprint by their writhing
bodies and escape.
793
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,030
(stomach gurgling)
No, no-no, I can't.
794
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,340
Because if I move,
my bowels will explode.
795
00:28:29,340 --> 00:28:31,280
Like, all over the walls.
796
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:33,410
Wait, shh, shh, shh.
Shh, I think they've stopped.
797
00:28:33,410 --> 00:28:36,310
I think they stopped,
hold on, hold on.
798
00:28:36,310 --> 00:28:37,940
(bed resumes squeaking)
(Josh and Valencia moaning)
799
00:28:37,950 --> 00:28:41,790
Oh, God, the stamina.
800
00:28:41,790 --> 00:28:43,690
Why won't this end?
801
00:28:47,660 --> 00:28:49,730
When is this gonna end?
802
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:55,800
Huh.
803
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:58,710
Never noticed that before.
804
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:15,920
? It's 5:53 on Thanksgiving ?
805
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:19,920
? Not one customer's walked
through the door ?
806
00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:24,750
? But I'm still here,
slinging drinks for a living ?
807
00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,660
? I've never played
piano before ?
808
00:29:30,770 --> 00:29:32,770
Not bad.
809
00:29:32,770 --> 00:29:36,070
? I know this town
like the back of my hand ?
810
00:29:36,070 --> 00:29:40,500
? But I'm not such a fan
of the back of my hand ?
811
00:29:40,510 --> 00:29:42,510
? 'Cause if you look
real close ?
812
00:29:42,510 --> 00:29:44,510
? At those little hairs
and veins ?
813
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:46,920
? You're like,
"Hands are sort of gross" ?
814
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:51,760
? It's hard to explain ?
815
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:53,760
? The point is ?
816
00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:57,400
? Hey, West Covina ?
817
00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:01,030
? Why won't you
let me break free? ?
818
00:30:01,030 --> 00:30:03,030
? Am I doomed to stay here ?
819
00:30:03,030 --> 00:30:05,430
? Pouring my high school
friends beers ?
820
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:09,510
? For the rest of eternity? ?
821
00:30:09,510 --> 00:30:13,750
? Hey, West Covina ?
822
00:30:13,750 --> 00:30:17,750
? You know just
where to find me ?
823
00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:22,050
? I'll never go far,
so pull up to the bar ?
824
00:30:22,050 --> 00:30:25,450
? Hey, West Covina ?
825
00:30:25,460 --> 00:30:28,960
? What'll it be? ?
826
00:30:34,730 --> 00:30:38,130
? It's 5:55,
I'm still singing ?
827
00:30:38,140 --> 00:30:41,570
? The big Turkey Day game's
letting out ?
828
00:30:41,570 --> 00:30:44,400
? But no one's coming here ?
829
00:30:44,410 --> 00:30:46,410
? Who am I kidding? ?
830
00:30:46,410 --> 00:30:50,810
? Hey, you sunburned MILFs,
give me a shout ?
831
00:30:50,820 --> 00:30:55,450
? Everyone's going home 'cause
it's time to give thanks ?
832
00:30:55,450 --> 00:30:59,850
? Thanks for the chain stores
and outlets and banks ?
833
00:30:59,860 --> 00:31:03,860
? Thanks for this town three
short hours from the beach ?
834
00:31:03,860 --> 00:31:08,830
? Where all of your dreams
can stay just out of reach... ?
835
00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,600
(imitates drum fill)
836
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:16,030
? Hey, West Covina ?
837
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:20,040
? You're not listening,
so what's the use? ?
838
00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:24,510
? Is my purpose in life
to slice limes with a knife? ?
839
00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:29,220
? Or to serve Deb a vodka
and cranberry juice? ?
840
00:31:29,220 --> 00:31:31,490
Hey, Deb,
I'll be right with you.
841
00:31:31,490 --> 00:31:35,460
? Hey, West Covina ?
842
00:31:35,460 --> 00:31:38,100
? Look what you're doing to me ?
843
00:31:38,100 --> 00:31:41,500
? Can't you see, West Covina ?
844
00:31:41,500 --> 00:31:43,140
? You're killing me,
West Covina ?
845
00:31:43,140 --> 00:31:47,460
? Last call, West Covina ?
846
00:31:47,470 --> 00:31:52,500
? What'll it be? ?
847
00:31:59,620 --> 00:32:01,690
(pop music playing on radio)
848
00:32:11,060 --> 00:32:13,560
Hold on. Hold on. Wait,
I think they might be gone.
849
00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:14,690
Shh. Hold on.
850
00:32:16,830 --> 00:32:18,660
Oh...
851
00:32:20,810 --> 00:32:21,810
Yes. Yes.
852
00:32:21,810 --> 00:32:22,980
Okay, they're gone.
853
00:32:22,980 --> 00:32:24,800
Go to the bathroom, honey.
854
00:32:24,810 --> 00:32:26,580
No. I'm gonna make a run for it
855
00:32:26,580 --> 00:32:27,650
because I can't be
in this house any longer.
856
00:32:27,650 --> 00:32:28,880
Are you crazy?
857
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:30,580
You'll never make it!
858
00:32:30,580 --> 00:32:31,640
You will never make it.
859
00:32:31,650 --> 00:32:34,990
(stomach gurgling)
860
00:32:45,300 --> 00:32:47,060
There you are!
861
00:32:47,060 --> 00:32:48,530
Ready for church?
862
00:32:48,530 --> 00:32:50,290
You know, I really want to go,
863
00:32:50,300 --> 00:32:52,630
but I have to take a giant...
(stomach gurgling)
864
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:53,870
rain check.
865
00:32:53,870 --> 00:32:55,060
(clinking)
866
00:32:55,070 --> 00:32:56,070
Everyone...
867
00:32:56,070 --> 00:32:57,930
I have an announcement to make.
868
00:32:57,940 --> 00:32:59,700
Today has been a special day.
869
00:32:59,710 --> 00:33:01,680
So nice to see everyone here
870
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,080
from, you know,
Rancho Cucamonga,
871
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,620
and Stockton, Monrovia,
872
00:33:05,620 --> 00:33:06,680
Victorville...
873
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:08,280
Yeah, all the places!
874
00:33:08,290 --> 00:33:10,160
JOSH:
I'm so thankful for
the wonderful meal
875
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:11,810
and for, you know,
876
00:33:11,820 --> 00:33:14,180
sharing great laughs,
as always.
(stomach gurgling)
877
00:33:14,190 --> 00:33:17,620
But there were also
some challenging moments.
878
00:33:17,630 --> 00:33:20,030
Those moments are
really important, too.
879
00:33:20,030 --> 00:33:22,630
Because of those moments,
880
00:33:22,630 --> 00:33:24,290
we find out what really matters
881
00:33:24,300 --> 00:33:27,160
and are reminded
where we belong.
882
00:33:27,170 --> 00:33:28,800
And I belong...
883
00:33:28,810 --> 00:33:31,680
with Valencia.
884
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:36,580
On that note,
885
00:33:36,580 --> 00:33:39,010
and in front of
the people I love the most
886
00:33:39,020 --> 00:33:40,350
and who love me the most...
887
00:33:40,350 --> 00:33:44,950
V, I want to ask you something.
888
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:47,290
(quiet murmuring)
889
00:33:47,290 --> 00:33:51,290
Valencia...
890
00:33:51,300 --> 00:33:54,030
will you move
in with me?
(gasps)
891
00:33:54,030 --> 00:33:55,660
I do!
892
00:33:55,670 --> 00:33:57,370
I mean, I will.
893
00:33:57,370 --> 00:34:02,640
No...
No...
894
00:34:06,610 --> 00:34:08,140
Now, who wants to go see Jesus?
895
00:34:08,150 --> 00:34:09,220
(laughter)
896
00:34:13,820 --> 00:34:16,650
(TV plays indistinctly)
897
00:34:16,650 --> 00:34:18,210
Hey.
Hey.
898
00:34:18,220 --> 00:34:19,950
I brought your robe.
I know you hate
899
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:21,630
that these hospital gowns
leave your ass hanging out.
900
00:34:21,630 --> 00:34:23,830
My ass will hang out
when I say it should.
901
00:34:23,830 --> 00:34:25,800
I am the captain of my own ass.
902
00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:27,870
(both laugh)
903
00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:31,200
I know what you did.
What?
904
00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:32,730
(scoffs)
905
00:34:32,740 --> 00:34:34,310
One of the nurses
ratted you out.
906
00:34:34,310 --> 00:34:36,910
You spent all your savings?
907
00:34:36,910 --> 00:34:38,180
On me?
908
00:34:38,180 --> 00:34:40,210
(laughing):
Why?
909
00:34:40,210 --> 00:34:41,640
I'm a lost cause.
910
00:34:41,650 --> 00:34:42,880
Run, like your mother did.
911
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:44,150
Save yourself.
912
00:34:44,150 --> 00:34:45,750
And-and the macaws.
913
00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:47,390
You need those treatments.
914
00:34:47,390 --> 00:34:49,360
You gotta go to school.
Move out.
915
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:51,310
It's-it's time.
916
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:52,920
Don't you tell me what to do.
917
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:54,880
I make my own decisions,
thank you very much,
918
00:34:54,890 --> 00:34:56,890
and I'm not going
anywhere, sorry.
919
00:34:56,890 --> 00:34:59,360
Now...
Don't, don't...
fight me on this.
920
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,820
Look at you, old man,
921
00:35:01,830 --> 00:35:04,430
you'd lose.
922
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,400
You have tubes in your face.
923
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,230
You know what
my father would've done
924
00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:09,680
if I talked to him like that?
925
00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:11,700
He probably would've said,
926
00:35:11,710 --> 00:35:13,410
"Thank you for
saving my life, son."
927
00:35:13,410 --> 00:35:14,900
(laughing):
Yeah, probably.
928
00:35:14,910 --> 00:35:16,140
My father was a saint.
929
00:35:16,150 --> 00:35:18,080
(both laugh)
930
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,440
Now, hey...
get out of here.
931
00:35:20,450 --> 00:35:23,010
And get yourself
something to eat,
932
00:35:23,020 --> 00:35:24,460
something decent to eat.
933
00:35:24,460 --> 00:35:25,690
The food here is garbage.
934
00:35:25,690 --> 00:35:27,320
I will, in a bit.
935
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,450
I'm not in a hurry.
936
00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:31,730
(TV plays indistinctly)
937
00:35:32,460 --> 00:35:33,990
I love you, you know.
938
00:35:35,130 --> 00:35:36,360
Almost as much as Sinatra,
939
00:35:36,370 --> 00:35:38,270
and he's a damned good bird.
940
00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:42,740
(chuckles)
Oh, no, no, no.
941
00:35:42,740 --> 00:35:43,810
Change that. No, no.
I don't...
942
00:35:43,810 --> 00:35:45,780
The beach volleyball, come on.
943
00:35:45,780 --> 00:35:47,310
I don't need...
Oh, look at, look at that.
944
00:35:47,310 --> 00:35:48,710
La, la, la, la.
Oh, Brazil!
945
00:35:48,710 --> 00:35:50,370
La, la, la, la.
Oh, go, baby, go.
946
00:35:52,850 --> 00:35:54,850
You can make it, you can
make it, you can make it...
947
00:35:54,850 --> 00:35:56,350
PAULA:
You can do it, baby.
948
00:35:56,350 --> 00:35:57,850
You can make it.
Just don't think about it.
949
00:35:57,860 --> 00:35:59,490
Oh, thank God...
950
00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:02,130
Oh... oh...
951
00:36:03,390 --> 00:36:05,020
Paula, come on.
952
00:36:05,030 --> 00:36:06,330
Enough with that.
953
00:36:11,870 --> 00:36:13,870
So, this is
our first Thanksgiving
954
00:36:13,870 --> 00:36:15,470
without Aunt Judy.
955
00:36:15,470 --> 00:36:17,870
Let's, uh...
956
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:20,880
have a moment
of silence for her.
957
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,050
REBECCA:
Why...?
958
00:36:23,050 --> 00:36:24,880
Because she's dead.
959
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:27,280
(snoring)
960
00:36:30,290 --> 00:36:32,420
(knocking at door)
961
00:36:32,420 --> 00:36:33,820
Hey, Paula!
962
00:36:33,820 --> 00:36:35,080
Come in.
(door opens)
963
00:36:35,090 --> 00:36:36,750
Oh, I think my spleen
is somewhere
964
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,020
in the municipal sewer system.
965
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:40,460
(door closes)
966
00:36:40,460 --> 00:36:42,390
Oh...
967
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:46,270
Oh... my butthole's
the gateway to hell.
968
00:36:46,270 --> 00:36:48,140
(moaning)
969
00:36:48,140 --> 00:36:50,070
You look great.
Hi!
970
00:36:50,070 --> 00:36:51,430
What are you doing here?
971
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:53,100
You promised me a drink.
972
00:36:53,110 --> 00:36:54,350
I got tired of waiting.
973
00:36:54,350 --> 00:36:56,180
Okay. So you just showed up?
974
00:36:56,180 --> 00:36:58,150
And, like, phones don't exist?
975
00:36:58,150 --> 00:37:00,120
I decided we're past courtesy.
976
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:01,520
I brought
977
00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:03,190
tacos and tequila,
978
00:37:03,190 --> 00:37:05,360
the food of our forefathers.
979
00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:07,790
Well, not really yours.
Or mine.
980
00:37:07,790 --> 00:37:09,520
That's really nice.
981
00:37:09,530 --> 00:37:12,360
But, God, I'm not really
in a position
982
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:13,560
to eat that stuff right now.
983
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,160
I've had the worst
Thanksgiving ever.
984
00:37:15,170 --> 00:37:16,870
Yeah, mine was really bad, too.
985
00:37:16,870 --> 00:37:19,270
It was like Pearl Harbor
meets the movie Pearl Harbor.
986
00:37:19,270 --> 00:37:21,410
(laughs)
That's funny.
987
00:37:21,410 --> 00:37:22,570
Well, feel free
988
00:37:22,570 --> 00:37:24,830
to sit down,
but I gotta warn you,
989
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:26,070
I'm not good company.
990
00:37:26,080 --> 00:37:27,210
That's okay. I'm used to it.
991
00:37:27,210 --> 00:37:29,570
Ha, ha, ha!
(laughs evilly)
992
00:37:29,580 --> 00:37:31,350
You know what? Maybe I will
have some tequila.
993
00:37:31,350 --> 00:37:32,580
Yeah.
(stomach gurgling)
994
00:37:32,580 --> 00:37:34,580
Oh, no, no, no.
Not tacos, though.
995
00:37:34,590 --> 00:37:37,390
Not gonna handle
those tacos right now.
996
00:37:37,390 --> 00:37:39,260
Here, let me get you a plate
to eat the tacos on,
997
00:37:39,260 --> 00:37:40,960
because you're a person.
998
00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:42,230
(stomach gurgling)
999
00:37:42,230 --> 00:37:44,430
Uh-oh. Oh, God.
1000
00:37:44,430 --> 00:37:46,060
Oh, no...
1001
00:37:46,060 --> 00:37:48,360
Where are you... going?
Okay, okay, okay.
1002
00:37:48,370 --> 00:37:50,600
I'll be back, I'll be back.
Clench, Becky. Clench, Becky.
1003
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:52,300
You can do it.
Okay.
1004
00:37:52,300 --> 00:37:54,830
Okay, Becky.
1005
00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:56,610
(door closes)
1006
00:38:02,550 --> 00:38:04,150
Let's see what's on my queue.
1007
00:38:04,150 --> 00:38:05,380
No.
1008
00:38:05,380 --> 00:38:07,240
Mm... no. Sorry you
had to see that.
1009
00:38:07,250 --> 00:38:10,210
Ooh! Documentary about a whale
that didn't have parents.
1010
00:38:10,220 --> 00:38:11,880
Mm. Mm-hmm.
1011
00:38:11,890 --> 00:38:13,160
That says Thanksgiving.
1012
00:38:14,490 --> 00:38:17,620
So... how'd your dad
take the news?
1013
00:38:19,430 --> 00:38:20,900
Oh, yeah, that didn't happen.
1014
00:38:20,900 --> 00:38:23,030
Really? He asked you to stay?
1015
00:38:23,030 --> 00:38:25,260
Nah, it's just...
1016
00:38:25,270 --> 00:38:27,440
The thing is,
1017
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:29,570
he's always been there for me,
1018
00:38:29,570 --> 00:38:32,500
my whole life.
1019
00:38:32,510 --> 00:38:35,180
The only person, actually.
1020
00:38:36,350 --> 00:38:38,080
God...
1021
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:40,940
it's nice that you have that.
1022
00:38:40,950 --> 00:38:43,380
'Cause not everyone does.
1023
00:38:43,390 --> 00:38:46,090
That whale didn't.
1024
00:38:46,090 --> 00:38:48,130
No.
(chuckles)
1025
00:38:48,130 --> 00:38:49,400
Have you thought
about night school?
1026
00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:51,950
Yeah. It's funny
you say that.
1027
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:53,390
I have been thinking about it.
1028
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:55,130
Do it!
1029
00:38:55,130 --> 00:38:58,060
Maybe I will.
1030
00:38:58,070 --> 00:38:59,440
Okay.
1031
00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:01,540
Why does Netflix always want me
1032
00:39:01,540 --> 00:39:03,370
to watch Leaving Las Vegas?
1033
00:39:03,370 --> 00:39:05,430
What are they trying to tell me?
1034
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:06,970
(gasps) Wait.
1035
00:39:06,980 --> 00:39:09,050
I know exactly
what we should watch.
1036
00:39:09,050 --> 00:39:11,450
(clicking)
1037
00:39:11,450 --> 00:39:14,120
There. I saved
you the pork adobo
1038
00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:15,690
and the turkey skin, Anak.
1039
00:39:15,690 --> 00:39:17,220
Thanks, Mom.
1040
00:39:17,220 --> 00:39:18,980
Hey, that was
a great sermon, huh?
1041
00:39:18,990 --> 00:39:21,460
Perfect combination
of guilt and...
1042
00:39:21,460 --> 00:39:23,930
No, I guess it was just guilt.
1043
00:39:23,930 --> 00:39:25,060
VALENCIA:
I wasn't even paying attention.
1044
00:39:25,060 --> 00:39:27,460
I was just... so happy.
1045
00:39:27,460 --> 00:39:29,030
(giggling)
1046
00:39:29,030 --> 00:39:31,160
(both laughing)
I'm going to bed.
1047
00:39:31,170 --> 00:39:33,040
All I ask is
1048
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:36,380
if you're going to go against
the church and live in sin,
1049
00:39:36,380 --> 00:39:39,300
be consistent
and use contraception, okay?
1050
00:39:39,310 --> 00:39:40,980
(sighs)
1051
00:39:40,980 --> 00:39:42,050
(humming)
1052
00:39:42,050 --> 00:39:45,050
Thanks, Mom.
Good night.
1053
00:39:45,050 --> 00:39:47,420
You want to hear
something funny?
1054
00:39:47,420 --> 00:39:49,990
You want to know who
I'm most thankful for today?
1055
00:39:51,060 --> 00:39:52,320
Rebecca.
1056
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:54,150
What? Why?
1057
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:57,090
But don't get me wrong.
She's the worst and I hate her.
1058
00:39:57,090 --> 00:39:59,020
But if it wasn't
for us fighting about her,
1059
00:39:59,030 --> 00:40:01,100
we wouldn't be moving in
together!
1060
00:40:01,100 --> 00:40:02,370
(both laughing)
1061
00:40:02,370 --> 00:40:05,270
So, which part of town
should we live in?
1062
00:40:05,270 --> 00:40:08,140
Uh, I haven't thought
about it yet.
Well, I have,
1063
00:40:08,140 --> 00:40:10,610
because I have my eye on
a duplex on South Cameron
1064
00:40:10,610 --> 00:40:12,510
with a backyard and shutters
1065
00:40:12,510 --> 00:40:16,750
and French doors and Spanish
tile and an orange tree.
1066
00:40:16,750 --> 00:40:19,050
It has two bedrooms,
which would be perfect,
1067
00:40:19,050 --> 00:40:22,290
because I need the extra room
to practice my Ashtanga.
1068
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:28,390
REBECCA (sighs):
The World Dog Awards.
1069
00:40:28,390 --> 00:40:30,620
(barking on TV)
Now that says
Thanksgiving.
1070
00:40:30,630 --> 00:40:33,060
I hate to say it,
but that bloodhound
1071
00:40:33,060 --> 00:40:35,160
could definitely benefit
from a juice cleanse.
1072
00:40:35,170 --> 00:40:36,700
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Whoa.
1073
00:40:36,700 --> 00:40:39,000
Yes, that is one portly puppy.
1074
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:40,200
Mm.
1075
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:42,330
Oh, here.
1076
00:40:44,540 --> 00:40:46,140
Here you go.
1077
00:40:46,140 --> 00:40:48,270
No one likes a hot butt.
(barking on TV)
1078
00:40:49,550 --> 00:40:52,220
Hmm.
1079
00:40:53,650 --> 00:40:56,090
Oh, my God, I can't believe
I'm eating again.
1080
00:40:56,090 --> 00:40:58,260
Yeah, I was gonna say,
speaking of portly puppies.
1081
00:40:58,260 --> 00:41:00,290
Woof! Woof!
That's not nice.
That's not nice.
1082
00:41:00,290 --> 00:41:02,330
Woof! Woof! Woof!
You've lost
your pillow privileges.
1083
00:41:02,330 --> 00:41:04,300
Ooh, ooh, giant pillow!
No! That's unfair!
1084
00:41:04,300 --> 00:41:06,620
(Greg laughing)
1085
00:41:06,630 --> 00:41:08,700
Oh.
1086
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:13,240
No! Not Greg. Josh! Josh!
1087
00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:15,110
(sighs)
1088
00:41:15,110 --> 00:41:17,670
I worked so hard for nothing!
1089
00:41:17,670 --> 00:41:19,670
GIRL:
Another story, Miss Rebecca.
1090
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,650
'Twas the night
of the Dunster House Formal.
1091
00:41:22,650 --> 00:41:24,750
The place? Harvard.
1092
00:41:24,750 --> 00:41:28,250
The year? 2008.
1093
00:41:28,250 --> 00:41:30,050
I remember it specifically
1094
00:41:30,050 --> 00:41:31,480
because I had
a Barack Obama bobblehead
1095
00:41:31,490 --> 00:41:33,060
perched on my nightstand.
1096
00:41:33,060 --> 00:41:34,590
And as I was being
rhythmically trashed
1097
00:41:34,590 --> 00:41:37,290
by a junior visiting
from the Brown improv troupe,
1098
00:41:37,290 --> 00:41:40,160
the bobblehead nodded
up and down as if to say,
1099
00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:42,830
"Yes, yes, you have made
another terrible decision,
1100
00:41:42,830 --> 00:41:44,530
you silly, weak woman."
1101
00:41:44,540 --> 00:41:49,140
(shrieking):
Mommy!
I was out of stories!
1102
00:41:49,140 --> 00:41:51,210
{\c&H00ffff&}Captioning sponsored by{\c} {\c&H00ffff&}CBS