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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
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Excuse me.
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00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:35,093
Excuse me?
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I know you.
5
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Don't I know you?
No.
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Hey, hey, hold that door!
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00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,971
You cold? You need something
to warm you up?
8
00:02:08,995 --> 00:02:11,107
No. You know what you can do,
you can burn this whole
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00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,376
down so I don't have to do
this fucking nostalgia night.
10
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Prepare yourself,
it's not as big
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a house as they thought.
12
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The weather kept people home.
See the marquee?
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It's like
Night of the Living Dead.
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I should fire you for this.
15
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Then you'll get a gray hair
in a place you thought
16
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God would be nice enough
to just leave alone.
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I'm liking menopause.
Makes me surly.
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Jackie B.
Hey.
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Jimmie Walker.
Jackie. Jackie Burke.
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Man, thanks for coming.
I really appreciate it.
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Thanks for having me.
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Hey, look. Small crowd,
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but they're very, very lively.
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Well, you know,
I can play to one person.
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Sometimes I play with myself.
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Heh. Jackie.
It's a family audience.
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- Good.
- You do one joke
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about a gray snatch hair.
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So you find the gray hair.
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And then he said, " You know
you have to brush this on."
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Which, oh, Quelle surprise,
I thought I'd just shake it up
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pour it down
till it quit burning,
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have a hot apple pie.
34
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It's like I'm an addled girl.
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00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:10,855
He goes, "You have to sit there
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00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:13,425
with your legs apart
for a half hour."
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"Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama,
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how do you think we got
the fence painted?"
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That's my proudest joke.
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You're the best under fire!
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We love you, Grace!
42
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:31,777
Miss Grace Under Fire,
Miss Brett Butler!
43
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,047
How you doing?
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00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:38,394
If I ever do one of these
again, shoot me.
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Don't worry. I'll do us both
with one bullet.
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We got a guy coming on now.
A legend, ladies and gentlemen.
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Hickory Dickory Dock,
I got to roll back the clock.
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That's right.
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00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:53,365
Because we are ready
to bring up a young man that
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00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,234
when he was on TV
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there was no electricity.
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When he was on TV, Little House
on the Prairie was just a shack
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00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,577
ladies and gentlemen.
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00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:07,912
He is devastating.
What am I getting for this gig?
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00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:09,325
You get a percentage
of the door.
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So that's $11 and a burger.
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Your commission's gonna be
a fucking pickle.
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Sure. Like always.
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00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:17,466
The man that you know
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00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:22,460
from the hit sitcom
Eddie's Home.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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let's put our hands together
for Eddie.
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Arlene.
Eddie, look.
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I carved a pumpkin.
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Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
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- Arlene, when son decides...
- We love your hair.
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To dress up like a ballerina
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it's no longer about
trick-or-treating.
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Eddie, he's only 11 and a half.
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Give him a chance to
find himself.
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He needs to explore.
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- Arlene. Arlene.
- Explore.
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Arlene!
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Mr. Jackie Burke
is in the house,
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ladies and gentlemen.
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00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,945
You staying?
Yeah. I'll drive you home.
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Jackie Burke is here.
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Holy cow.
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Eddie's home!
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Give it up.
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Give it up for
JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker.
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He's the living proof that
black might not crack,
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but it definitely decomposes.
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Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
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I know a lot of you are here
because you love Eddie. Yeah.
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Well, I have bad news for you.
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- Eddie died.
- Aw.
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Yeah.
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Yeah. He died a long time ago,
30 years ago
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along with my career
and Brett Butler's eggs.
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Oh.
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Okay. Enough about me.
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Let's talk about this
abortion of a town you live in.
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Hicksville!
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How did they ever come up
with a name like "Hicksville"?
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I looked up "Hicksville"
on Wikipedia.
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It said "inbreeding"
and "crystal meth."
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So why don't you change
your name
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to something more pleasant
like Somalia?
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But don't worry, Hicksville.
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When you grow up,
you, also, can change your name.
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I changed my name.
I wasn't always "Jackie."
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When I was born, my parents
named me, you know what? Jakov.
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No!
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Jakov Berkowitz.
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Yeah. That's right.
It's that big, girls.
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I mean, even the Jewish kids
beat me up
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with a name like that.
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Uh, can I help you all
with something, huh? Huh?
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What's going on here?
Bachelorette party!
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Bachelorette party! Oh!
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Eight girls sharing one brain.
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Who's the lucky girl?
I am.
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Don't look so happy, sweetheart.
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Right now, your fiancé's in a
strip club licking whipped cream
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out of some girl's asshole.
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Hey, come on, don't get sad.
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I'm just breaking your balls.
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You're getting married
to one dick
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for the rest of your life.
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What could be more exciting
than that?
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Yay!
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Oh, my God, Jackie.
You shouldn't do marriage jokes.
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O.J. Simpson was
a better husband than you.
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It's not about you, you selfish
bastard. It's about them.
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Keep it light and fun
and positive.
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Marriage will suck every speck
of life out of your soul
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until there's nothing left
but one big, giant,
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festering sore.
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Good luck. Heh.
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It's not just me. I don't think
humans were meant to be married.
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I mean, you want a relationship?
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Get a canary, get a fish.
Get a fucking chicken.
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Get a dog.
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A dog is always happy
to see you.
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A dog doesn't judge you.
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The dog is just there.
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I'm late, my dog's like,
"Hey, Jackie, no big deal."
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I forget to feed him, "It's
okay, Jackie. I'm a fat fuck.
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"I gotta lose some weight.
It's all right."
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00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:01,690
I come home smelling like pussy,
and he doesn't get mad.
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00:08:01,714 --> 00:08:03,492
He just wags his tail
and licks my fingers.
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Enough of this "dog" shit!
Come on, do "Eddie."
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00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:08,898
Not now, pal, please.
Can you help me out?
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Yeah. No. I didn't come here
to hear new shit.
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00:08:12,258 --> 00:08:15,527
- I came to see Eddie.
- Shut up.
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00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:18,229
Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you be
down at the playground
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00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:19,909
luring kids into
a windowless van?
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Hodor!
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00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,736
Hey, I'm the audience.
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You're here to entertain me.
You work for me.
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Oh...
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00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:31,509
You hear that? I work for him.
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00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:34,145
All right, boss, how about you
give me an early Christmas bonus
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and tongue my balls.
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Calm down. You chose this
career, you fucking idiot.
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00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,757
You could've been
a doctor or a lawyer
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but you chose to beg
drunken strangers
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for love and attention.
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Just try to make everyone happy,
so you can go home and jerk off.
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Hey, look, man. I don't
wanna fight. Let's be friends.
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Can someone do me a favor,
get a drink for this guy
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00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:01,850
and a bag of oats for his wife.
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00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:04,609
Bullshit.
You getting this, Amy?
165
00:09:04,644 --> 00:09:06,422
I don't want that shit
in our webisode.
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00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:09,414
Webisode? Your shit? What web...?
What the fuck are you doing?
167
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,516
Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down.
168
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,529
Webisode 19.
What you doing?
169
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,786
Are you taping me?
170
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,187
This is my show, old man.
171
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,689
I'm here to take you down.
172
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,702
Give me that.
No, you give me that mic.
173
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,103
Take me down?
What are you doing?
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00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:22,938
Wanna go joke to joke with me,
Eddie?
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00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:25,863
Take your hands off my mic.
You wanna dance? Let's go.
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00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,966
Let go of the mic.
This is my show, buddy.
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00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,612
You getting this, Amy?
This is my show.
178
00:09:29,636 --> 00:09:30,969
You're the joke, old man.
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00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,370
You're the fucking joke.
180
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,316
You want the mic? You want it?
Yeah.
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00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:40,778
Oh, shit! Baby!
182
00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:43,915
What is wrong with you?
You crazy bastard!
183
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:47,952
Oh, my God, are you okay?
184
00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:50,099
And I'm here to take you down.
185
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,967
What the fuck are you doing,
my friend?
186
00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:53,124
Give me that goddamn.
187
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:58,129
No, you give me that mic.
188
00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:00,431
Your Honor,
as you can clearly see,
189
00:10:00,466 --> 00:10:03,267
Mr. Severin grabbed
Mr. Berkowitz first.
190
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:07,338
Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin
several times to desist,
191
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:09,107
and he refused.
192
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,643
Wanna go joke to joke with me?
Let go of the mic.
193
00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:14,012
Let go of the mic.
You're the joke, old man.
194
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:16,080
Any objection to probation?
195
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:19,351
With a strong public apology and
substantial community service.
196
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:24,322
Jakob Berkowitz, please rise.
197
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:26,301
Jakob Berkowitz,
the court understands
198
00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:28,103
there are mitigating
circumstances
199
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,539
but nothing excuses
your retaliation.
200
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,107
It is in the judgment
of this court
201
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:35,133
that you serve 100 hours
of community service.
202
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,279
You will attend
10 anger-management sessions
203
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,771
and you will make an allocution
and an apology.
204
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,316
Do you understand,
Mr. Berkowitz?
205
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:42,885
Yes, Your Honor.
Good.
206
00:10:42,909 --> 00:10:44,642
And in accordance
with this agreement,
207
00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:46,188
are you prepared to change
your plea
208
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:47,512
from "not guilty" to "guilty"?
209
00:10:48,681 --> 00:10:50,041
Yeah.
Yes, Your Honor.
210
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:56,554
"I admit to assault and battery
on Mr. Severin.
211
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,068
"I recognize that I acted
in a weak and violent manner
212
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,170
"and I will aggressively
take steps to ensure
213
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:02,738
"that it will never
happen again.
214
00:11:02,762 --> 00:11:06,064
"I also apologize to the court
and to my fans."
215
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,587
Do you have anything to say
to Mr. Severin?
216
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,705
Yes, Your Honor.
217
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,073
Sorry.
218
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:18,087
Come on,
he can do better than that.
219
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:21,345
This is insulting.
I'm hurt.
220
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:23,381
Excuse me, Your Honor,
221
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:25,694
but I think the defendant
can do better than that.
222
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:27,863
Mr. Severin could've suffered
brain damage.
223
00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:30,689
Mr. Berkowitz,
you wanna try that again?
224
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:39,130
Mr. Berkowitz.
225
00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:45,737
No.
No?
226
00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:47,538
No?
227
00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:49,373
No. Your Honor
228
00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:51,887
there's no way Mr. Severin
could've suffered brain damage
229
00:11:51,911 --> 00:11:54,378
because according to the law,
the way I understand it
230
00:11:54,413 --> 00:11:56,859
it has not been proven in this
courtroom that Mr. Severin,
231
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,449
in fact, has a brain.
232
00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:02,687
Mr. Berkowitz, do not test me
today in my court.
233
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,200
Look at him now, Your Honor.
You can tell by his face.
234
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,536
The look like Donald Trump
banged Alfred E. Neuman
235
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,304
after a night of snorting
thalidomide.
236
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:11,596
Can he say that to me?
Order in the court.
237
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:13,931
Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough.
Jackie, that's enough.
238
00:12:13,966 --> 00:12:15,577
Let me talk!
All right.
239
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:17,301
It isn't about me, Your Honor.
240
00:12:17,336 --> 00:12:19,937
It's about the fate of humanity,
which is in your hands.
241
00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:21,383
Look at him.
He's with that woman.
242
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:22,740
They were together that night.
243
00:12:22,775 --> 00:12:23,886
What if they breed?
244
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,777
Are you serious?
245
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:28,045
Objection.
Get him out of here.
246
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,915
Mr. Berkowitz,
you are in contempt.
247
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:32,795
The people have changed
their mind. No deal.
248
00:12:32,819 --> 00:12:34,385
Take him out of here.
249
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,587
Nassau County Correctional
Facility for 30 days.
250
00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:38,189
Order in the court.
251
00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:47,665
Up the stairs.
252
00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:52,303
All right, gentlemen,
lock it in!
253
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,476
Stop at the top of the landing.
254
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,888
Walk in four feet and stop.
255
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:18,830
Okay, gentlemen. Ready?
256
00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:22,800
Let's give a warm welcome
to our newest resident.
257
00:13:22,835 --> 00:13:24,875
♪ He's the king of his castle ♪
258
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,785
♪ Eddie's home
Where he's making a scene ♪
259
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:33,511
♪ Eddie's home
With the kid and Arlene ♪
260
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,279
♪ Eddie's home ♪
261
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:39,016
Suck my dick, asshole!
You gonna be my bitch.
262
00:13:39,051 --> 00:13:41,686
♪... or he's gonna
Kick your ass ♪
263
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:10,014
God, it's freezing. Let me
turn on these seat warmers.
264
00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:11,729
Bet you didn't have those
in there.
265
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:15,553
I came up with some good
stuff in there.
266
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,755
Smart. Good.
267
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:20,358
I'd try it out on you,
but you never, you know...
268
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:23,861
You have no sense of humor.
No, I don't.
269
00:14:23,896 --> 00:14:26,197
I've never seen you laugh.
Ever.
270
00:14:26,232 --> 00:14:28,243
No, you haven't.
Why is that?
271
00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:31,769
Can you imagine if I had to be
an audience for all my comics?
272
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:34,016
"You laughed at his joke,
you didn't laugh at mine."
273
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,351
"You think he's funny.
He's not even that funny."
274
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:38,542
Forget it.
I just react to no one,
275
00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:40,378
that way everybody feels equal.
276
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:42,747
So you call
that personal management?
277
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,060
Your father, at least,
had affection for his clients.
278
00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:48,052
Well, affection
his clients didn't have for him.
279
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:49,965
Got you the TV show,
and you fired him.
280
00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:51,800
No, that was a William Morris
package deal.
281
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,535
Your father understood.
Don't talk to me
282
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:54,592
about affection.
283
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,071
I'm not talking about affection.
284
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:57,461
I'm talking about getting work.
285
00:14:57,496 --> 00:14:58,774
You gotta stay in New York
286
00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,275
to serve out your sentence,
right?
287
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:02,099
There are no money gigs
for you here.
288
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:03,912
You can do club work,
$30 a show.
289
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:06,804
It will take you 7000 shows
just to pay off your attorney.
290
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:11,042
I will get you Indian Casino,
Princess Cruise
291
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,055
something like that
in a few months.
292
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,112
But as you know,
they are hiring "Eddie."
293
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:17,915
I mean, I'm...
I'm hot now. I'm viral.
294
00:15:17,950 --> 00:15:19,450
Take advantage of it.
295
00:15:19,485 --> 00:15:21,263
Your father would've known
how to do that.
296
00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:22,764
"Miller the Killer" I'd call him
297
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:24,733
because your old man would kill
to get me a gig.
298
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:28,126
Yeah. Yeah. He loved it
when you called him that.
299
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,433
It killed him when you stopped.
300
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,135
Come on.
301
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:52,183
Hey.
302
00:15:53,652 --> 00:15:55,619
Hey.
303
00:15:55,654 --> 00:16:00,157
What are you doing here?
Happy Thanksgiving, baby.
304
00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:03,160
Thanks.
You said you weren't coming.
305
00:16:03,195 --> 00:16:04,862
I flew in last night.
Uh...
306
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,441
Get in the car.
I'll take you to work.
307
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:07,976
I'm just gonna take the train.
308
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,444
It's freezing.
Get in the fucking car.
309
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:10,968
I'm already... No. No.
310
00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:12,848
I'm not gonna take a limo
to the soup kitchen.
311
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:14,883
I'm not gonna do it.
Goddamn it. Follow us.
312
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,451
Yes, Mr. Schiltz.
313
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,777
Jesus, it's 80 in Boca.
314
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,546
Well, then go home, Dad.
315
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:25,850
I need you to come back.
316
00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:28,619
That what you wanna hear?
I don't wanna hear anything.
317
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,499
The place doesn't work
the same without you.
318
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,123
Those old people are not happy
319
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,503
because you're not there
to take care of them.
320
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:36,171
We found something
you're good at.
321
00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:37,372
Why walk away from that?
322
00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:38,863
See. That's what you do.
323
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:40,798
Don't say things like that.
324
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,234
That's not nice. Don't...
I meant it as a compliment.
325
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:45,903
It's not a compliment.
How is that a compliment?
326
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:47,805
You make me seem like
I'm some kind of
327
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,407
problem that needs to be solved.
328
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,553
0Or like I can't figure things...
You are a problem.
329
00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:55,813
I'm not doing this on my block.
But I love you.
330
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,649
That isn't love.
Oh.
331
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:00,862
My lawyer worked out
an arrangement with the court,
332
00:17:00,886 --> 00:17:02,920
so you can finish
333
00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:05,890
community service in Florida.
You can't do that without me.
334
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:07,658
You can't do that without me.
335
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:09,260
What's in New York for you?
336
00:17:09,295 --> 00:17:11,440
You got cheated on.
You got dumped.
337
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,930
So what?
You got arrested.
338
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:15,533
So what?
These are not signs of success
339
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,201
in this city.
340
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:21,338
Go home, Dad.
Hey.
341
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,574
A week from Monday's my birthday
342
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,287
and you're having dinner
with me.
343
00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:29,880
No ifs, ands or buts.
You got it? Because
344
00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:32,516
♪ You are my sunshine
My only sunshine ♪
345
00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:34,229
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
346
00:17:34,253 --> 00:17:37,054
♪ You make me happy
When skies are gray ♪
347
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:38,889
Don't sing.
348
00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:40,769
♪ You'll never know, dear
How much I love you ♪
349
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:42,771
Okay to dinner.
No singing. No more singing.
350
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:45,262
♪ Please don't take
My sunshine away ♪
351
00:17:45,297 --> 00:17:48,299
And having dinner with me
is not a gift!
352
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:50,067
I want a gift too!
353
00:18:13,159 --> 00:18:14,658
Here he is.
354
00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:16,771
The prick who came in
from the cold.
355
00:18:16,795 --> 00:18:18,963
Place looks good.
356
00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:21,098
It smells a lot more Jewish
than before.
357
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:25,002
Heh. Hey, Jay. You know
my famous brother, Jackie Burke?
358
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:27,838
How you doing?
Hi, Jay.
359
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:30,341
Probably needs money.
360
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,845
I need to talk to you.
361
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,413
I was right?
362
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:39,750
Jesus, I was kidding.
Oh.
363
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:42,453
So you need money?
No, it's fine. I'm fine.
364
00:18:42,488 --> 00:18:45,122
Just doing my community service
over at the Apostles Mission.
365
00:18:45,157 --> 00:18:47,291
I was in the neighborhood.
Thought I'd say hello.
366
00:18:47,326 --> 00:18:49,793
Community service?
I saw the fucking video.
367
00:18:49,828 --> 00:18:51,773
How could you let a heckler
get to you like that?
368
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,632
It wasn't about the heckling.
It was the goddamn camera.
369
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,133
You know what they were doing?
370
00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:57,935
Trying to use my act
for their show.
371
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,504
Create their show out of my act.
It was crazy.
372
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:02,684
You looked crazy.
Yeah. So how are you?
373
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,152
I'm good. You?
Good.
374
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:07,778
I'm good. Look,
the only thing is, I...
375
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,880
I lost a lot of gigs
the last four weeks
376
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,148
because of what happened.
377
00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:13,484
And Miller's re-booking them,
378
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:15,052
but I'm tapped out.
I need a little...
379
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:17,132
You know what? You got
a lot of fucking nerve.
380
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,622
I don't see you.
381
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:20,402
I don't hear from you.
It happened so fast.
382
00:19:20,426 --> 00:19:22,571
They take your phone in prison.
I read in Google News
383
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:24,128
you got arrested.
384
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,907
Like I'm nothing to you.
A lot of naked men.
385
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:27,642
Am I nothing to you?
I was preoccupied.
386
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:28,743
Is my family?
387
00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:30,887
- Is that why...?
- Jackie.
388
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,575
Hello, Flo.
389
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,746
How nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
390
00:19:42,781 --> 00:19:45,482
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving to you.
391
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:47,751
We haven't seen you
for how long?
392
00:19:47,786 --> 00:19:49,353
Uh, please.
393
00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:52,089
Well, I was in prison.
Oh, no, long before that.
394
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:53,424
So nice to see you.
395
00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:55,170
Nice to see you too.
Nice to see you.
396
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,161
How are the kids?
Kid.
397
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,530
We have one kid.
She's an adult now.
398
00:19:59,565 --> 00:20:01,832
I forgot. Dementia.
Yeah. Yeah.
399
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,245
She's getting married.
Is she?
400
00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:04,835
Mm-hm.
Brittany's getting married?
401
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,370
I thought she was a dyke.
402
00:20:06,405 --> 00:20:07,371
Mm.
403
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:10,241
You say "lesbian," asshole.
404
00:20:10,276 --> 00:20:12,876
Sorry. You're right.
I meant "gay."
405
00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:16,013
They can get married.
You don't have to come.
406
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,514
He doesn't have to come.
407
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,683
We sent you an invitation.
We heard nothing.
408
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,086
I was in prison. I told you.
Before that.
409
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,698
He doesn't have to come
if he's busy.
410
00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:25,634
You don't have to come
if it's too much trouble.
411
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,091
It's not too much trouble.
412
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:28,870
If it's too much trouble,
don't come.
413
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:31,072
I don't need the aggravation
if it's trouble for you.
414
00:20:31,096 --> 00:20:32,641
I don't want it
to become a thing.
415
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,409
It's not a thing.
If it's gonna be a thing,
416
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:36,634
don't bother.
I don't think it's a thing.
417
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,380
It's not a problem.
It's not a thing.
418
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,524
I would love to come.
I'll be there.
419
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,052
It's a week from Sunday.
A week from Sunday?
420
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,843
Yes.
I will be there.
421
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:51,982
So you wanna stay and have
Thanksgiving dinner?
422
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:53,717
Not really.
Oh.
423
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:55,897
I have an excuse though,
and I'll tell you what it is.
424
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,488
I'm working at the mission.
425
00:20:57,523 --> 00:21:00,157
Double the hours off
my sentence for Thanksgiving.
426
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:07,164
God forbid you do it
because it's nice.
427
00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:09,233
I need to speak to you
428
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,502
when you two are finished.
429
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:15,506
Not in this house.
430
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:23,147
Oh, she hates me.
No, she doesn't hate you.
431
00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:24,848
She doesn't?
432
00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:27,195
Yeah, I was fucking with you.
Of course she hates you.
433
00:21:27,219 --> 00:21:29,497
You never show up
unless you need something.
434
00:21:29,521 --> 00:21:30,999
That's it?
Yeah.
435
00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:33,957
Sensitive bitch.
None of my wives hated you.
436
00:21:33,992 --> 00:21:37,127
You were never married to any
of them long enough to meet me.
437
00:21:37,162 --> 00:21:39,763
So how much you need?
438
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:43,467
I don't even remember.
I'm so exhausted.
439
00:21:43,502 --> 00:21:48,038
Pop liked me better.
Daddy did not like you better.
440
00:21:48,073 --> 00:21:51,041
No, he didn't.
No, he didn't.
441
00:21:51,076 --> 00:21:54,812
Five thousand. No big deal.
You know you'll get it back.
442
00:21:56,715 --> 00:22:00,184
"You'll get it back." Yeah,
I'll get it back.
443
00:22:07,059 --> 00:22:09,304
Daddy loved you.
You know that.
444
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:10,761
He did.
445
00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:19,337
My daughter idolizes
her famous uncle.
446
00:22:20,739 --> 00:22:22,373
You better show up.
447
00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:25,008
Thanks.
448
00:22:25,043 --> 00:22:27,144
And bring a gift.
449
00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:28,812
That's gonna be extra.
450
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:30,981
Go on.
451
00:22:40,726 --> 00:22:43,104
Growing up, my family celebrated
452
00:22:43,128 --> 00:22:45,195
all the Thanksgiving traditions.
453
00:22:45,230 --> 00:22:47,164
My favorite was
my Uncle Moshit's
454
00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:49,077
telling of
the Thanksgiving story.
455
00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:51,602
Anyway. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
456
00:22:51,637 --> 00:22:54,004
Wow, did Duck Dynasty
get canceled?
457
00:22:55,641 --> 00:22:59,209
Chris Rock, what the fuck
are you doing here?
458
00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:02,045
Hey, Chris, I was just telling
my Thanksgiving story.
459
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:05,449
Uncle Moshit told me that
before the first Thanksgiving
460
00:23:05,484 --> 00:23:08,552
the pilgrims thought
that turkeys were sex objects.
461
00:23:08,587 --> 00:23:10,087
They couldn't fly,
462
00:23:10,122 --> 00:23:13,023
and "gobble-gobble"
was Puritan for "blowjob."
463
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:15,069
So when the Indians arrived,
464
00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:17,461
right after
the Macy's Day Parade
465
00:23:17,496 --> 00:23:19,741
they brought turkeys
all trussed up.
466
00:23:19,765 --> 00:23:23,300
They were with cranberry sauce
and gravy and potatoes
467
00:23:23,335 --> 00:23:25,869
and the Pilgrims were like...
They were pissed.
468
00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:27,449
They were like,
"What are they doing?
469
00:23:27,473 --> 00:23:29,717
"They're eating
our fuck birds."
470
00:23:29,741 --> 00:23:32,476
But you know, being Puritans,
they don't wanna be rude.
471
00:23:32,511 --> 00:23:35,078
But you know what?
It turned out
472
00:23:35,113 --> 00:23:38,749
that the turkeys
tasted even better
473
00:23:38,784 --> 00:23:40,995
than going down on their wives!
474
00:23:42,287 --> 00:23:44,721
Yeah!
475
00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:47,001
Would you believe that?
That's the truth.
476
00:23:47,025 --> 00:23:49,393
So, what do you think
the Puritans did?
477
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,439
The Puritans stopped fucking
the turkeys
478
00:23:51,463 --> 00:23:53,931
and started fucking
the Indians instead.
479
00:23:53,966 --> 00:23:55,810
That's how we stole
their country
480
00:23:55,834 --> 00:23:58,869
and made the turkey
our national bird.
481
00:24:01,507 --> 00:24:03,774
Supervisor's office?
Uh, there. Yeah.
482
00:24:03,809 --> 00:24:05,489
Up there?
Mm-hmm.
483
00:24:14,052 --> 00:24:17,621
You really are a piece of shit,
you know that, George?
484
00:24:17,656 --> 00:24:20,190
Oh, how is it my fault?
485
00:24:20,225 --> 00:24:21,959
How is this my fault?
486
00:24:21,994 --> 00:24:23,760
I didn't it throw at her.
487
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:26,140
I threw it at you,
and she stepped in the way.
488
00:24:26,164 --> 00:24:28,176
That's on her.
That's not on me.
489
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,201
Who does that? She does.
Are you still seeing her?
490
00:24:31,236 --> 00:24:33,804
Are you with her?
You're not with her.
491
00:24:33,839 --> 00:24:35,138
You're not with her.
492
00:24:35,173 --> 00:24:38,141
I follow you on Instagram,
you moron.
493
00:24:38,176 --> 00:24:40,511
I see what you're doing.
494
00:24:40,546 --> 00:24:44,281
Fuck you, George.
Well, fuck you, then!
495
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:46,450
No, fuck you, George.
496
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:49,620
No. I am taking
the high road right now.
497
00:24:49,655 --> 00:24:51,332
So are we gonna see
each other again,
498
00:24:51,356 --> 00:24:53,824
or is this over for good?
499
00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:02,399
Fuck you.
500
00:25:02,434 --> 00:25:04,134
Goddamn it.
501
00:25:05,771 --> 00:25:07,081
Kevin, you got the keys?
502
00:25:07,105 --> 00:25:08,750
What are you doing?
I'm sorry... I...
503
00:25:08,774 --> 00:25:10,073
Why are you standing there,
504
00:25:10,108 --> 00:25:11,886
listening to a private
conversation?
505
00:25:11,910 --> 00:25:14,177
I wasn't listening.
It's a private conversation.
506
00:25:14,212 --> 00:25:16,847
I wasn't listening. I was...
You can't eavesdrop
507
00:25:16,882 --> 00:25:19,182
on a private conversation.
I wasn't.
508
00:25:19,217 --> 00:25:22,819
They asked me to come up to
have you sign this for my hours.
509
00:25:22,854 --> 00:25:24,766
You want the supervisor.
That's Bobbi.
510
00:25:24,790 --> 00:25:26,100
She's at the store.
Okay.
511
00:25:26,124 --> 00:25:27,569
And I'm allowed to be here.
Sorry.
512
00:25:27,593 --> 00:25:28,992
I didn't say you weren't.
513
00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:30,694
There's no cell service here
514
00:25:30,729 --> 00:25:33,263
but don't say anything
to anyone. Okay?
515
00:25:33,298 --> 00:25:34,598
I won't say a thing.
516
00:25:34,633 --> 00:25:36,210
Believe me.
I will not say a thing.
517
00:25:36,234 --> 00:25:38,101
I just don't wanna be
that guy George.
518
00:25:38,136 --> 00:25:40,904
What do you know about George?
He's a piece of shit.
519
00:25:40,939 --> 00:25:43,106
Yeah, he is a piece of shit.
520
00:25:43,141 --> 00:25:46,243
You got that right.
Sounds like it.
521
00:25:46,278 --> 00:25:49,012
I know you, right?
You're Jackie Burke.
522
00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:50,280
I am.
523
00:25:50,315 --> 00:25:51,893
My dad used to love
your TV show.
524
00:25:51,917 --> 00:25:53,517
We've watched every episode.
525
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:55,218
Always nice to meet a fan.
526
00:25:55,253 --> 00:25:58,422
Yeah. Well,
we just had the one TV.
527
00:25:58,457 --> 00:25:59,923
Ah!
528
00:25:59,958 --> 00:26:02,392
What's your name?
Harmony Schiltz.
529
00:26:02,427 --> 00:26:04,138
- Harmony Schiltz?
- Mm-hmm.
530
00:26:04,162 --> 00:26:06,897
Were your parents
in a Nazi barbershop quartet?
531
00:26:06,932 --> 00:26:08,899
Heh. Yeah.
532
00:26:08,934 --> 00:26:11,068
It's always nice
to see women laugh.
533
00:26:11,103 --> 00:26:12,903
Once you can make a woman laugh
534
00:26:12,938 --> 00:26:14,549
then you can make her
do anything,
535
00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,584
they say. I don't know
if that's true.
536
00:26:16,608 --> 00:26:19,543
Is that what they say?
It's an old saying.
537
00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:21,645
Like a very, very old saying?
538
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,113
Ooh.
539
00:26:34,626 --> 00:26:38,595
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are now beginning the third set
540
00:26:38,630 --> 00:26:42,132
with the terrific Art Blakey
and his Jazz Messengers
541
00:26:42,167 --> 00:26:44,334
from the jazz corner
of the world.
542
00:26:44,369 --> 00:26:45,902
Lee Morgan on trumpet,
543
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:48,672
Wayne Shorter
on the tenor saxophone
544
00:26:48,707 --> 00:26:53,176
Bobby Timmons on the piano,
Jymie Merritt on the bass.
545
00:26:53,211 --> 00:26:56,813
Soul Brothers on the scene now.
Soul Brothers on the scene now.
546
00:26:56,848 --> 00:27:00,017
Gonna really do a cool one.
Gonna really do a cool one.
547
00:27:00,052 --> 00:27:03,020
How about a nice hand,
everybody, together...
548
00:27:03,055 --> 00:27:07,391
For the one and
only Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers?
549
00:27:33,051 --> 00:27:34,551
Hey, jailbird, what's up?
550
00:27:34,586 --> 00:27:36,386
Hey, Jackie, how's your asshole?
551
00:27:36,421 --> 00:27:37,788
Can I get you something?
552
00:27:37,823 --> 00:27:39,056
Like a hemorrhoidal donut?
553
00:27:39,091 --> 00:27:41,692
Get Jackie a Chivas
on the rocks.
554
00:27:41,727 --> 00:27:43,705
Buy him a drink,
but you won't book him?
555
00:27:43,729 --> 00:27:45,395
Less risky.
Why?
556
00:27:45,430 --> 00:27:49,466
Because he's out of control.
Too much baggage.
557
00:27:51,937 --> 00:27:54,382
On my way up there,
I saw a group of cops,
558
00:27:54,406 --> 00:27:56,573
six of them, on horses.
559
00:27:56,608 --> 00:27:58,575
Can they do real cop stuff?
560
00:27:58,610 --> 00:28:00,655
Because every time I see them,
they're like:
561
00:28:02,547 --> 00:28:05,416
"Easy. Easy.
562
00:28:06,952 --> 00:28:08,819
"Sure, I'll take a picture."
563
00:28:11,723 --> 00:28:14,535
My parents are immigrants.
They're from Taiwan.
564
00:28:14,559 --> 00:28:16,404
Um, they moved to Texas
when I was a baby.
565
00:28:16,428 --> 00:28:19,863
And, um, I think immigration
is fucking crazy.
566
00:28:19,898 --> 00:28:22,666
Can you imagine moving
to a completely foreign country
567
00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:26,136
just so your offspring
would have more opportunities?
568
00:28:28,106 --> 00:28:30,351
Then your kid goes
into stand-up comedy.
569
00:28:32,611 --> 00:28:36,279
I'm Puerto Rican, which means
I'm a Mexican with papers.
570
00:28:36,314 --> 00:28:38,682
I was a teenage-pregnancy case.
571
00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:40,061
That's how we do it
in my family.
572
00:28:40,085 --> 00:28:41,596
We have our babies,
then we get a job,
573
00:28:41,620 --> 00:28:43,520
then we get our periods.
574
00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:46,033
I love New York City, but
there's some attitude here.
575
00:28:46,057 --> 00:28:47,290
A little attitude.
576
00:28:47,325 --> 00:28:50,360
I could never
live anywhere else.
577
00:28:51,963 --> 00:28:53,797
I don't know.
It's a great city,
578
00:28:53,832 --> 00:28:55,732
but, uh, come on
579
00:28:55,767 --> 00:28:57,701
the greatest city in the world?
580
00:28:57,736 --> 00:28:59,480
It's the only place
I've ever been, heh...
581
00:28:59,504 --> 00:29:02,239
"What's that smell?" "Oh, that's
the greatest city in the world."
582
00:29:04,009 --> 00:29:06,220
If the bathroom door's
locked and I got my iPad
583
00:29:06,244 --> 00:29:08,645
you know what I'm doing,
so don't knock please.
584
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:10,424
It's one of those things.
Breaks the flow.
585
00:29:10,448 --> 00:29:12,293
Like when you're fucking
and the phone rings
586
00:29:12,317 --> 00:29:13,327
and it's your mother.
587
00:29:15,187 --> 00:29:18,989
Like, why are you calling me?
I'm right next to you.
588
00:29:19,024 --> 00:29:23,093
Oh, I just improved that.
I didn't mean to get blue.
589
00:29:23,128 --> 00:29:24,572
Sorry.
Incest, it's the only thing
590
00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:26,697
that gets people back
at 2 a.m.
591
00:29:34,472 --> 00:29:36,584
We like to think RAW TV
is the progressive
592
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:38,441
alternative to networks.
593
00:29:38,476 --> 00:29:40,755
She lost me when she said,
"We like to think."
594
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,512
Jackie.
595
00:29:42,547 --> 00:29:44,258
Scared to Death
is the most-watched
596
00:29:44,282 --> 00:29:46,650
new show on basic cable.
597
00:29:46,685 --> 00:29:48,129
Carol Bock
will be right with you.
598
00:29:48,153 --> 00:29:49,520
Thank you.
599
00:29:50,722 --> 00:29:52,689
"Raw" meaning half-baked?
600
00:29:52,724 --> 00:29:54,457
No. Raw as in "rough."
601
00:29:54,492 --> 00:29:57,027
You went viral because you beat
the shit out of somebody
602
00:29:57,062 --> 00:29:58,461
that's a plus for them.
603
00:29:58,496 --> 00:30:00,030
Scared to Death.
604
00:30:00,065 --> 00:30:02,425
Maybe I should've
worn my Halloween costume.
605
00:30:03,568 --> 00:30:06,147
Eddie's serving
a 15-year sentence
606
00:30:06,171 --> 00:30:08,038
for beating a heckler to death.
607
00:30:08,073 --> 00:30:09,784
- Where'd that idea come from?
- Guess.
608
00:30:11,676 --> 00:30:14,288
Anyway, he becomes the
convict king of the prison.
609
00:30:14,312 --> 00:30:16,123
He runs everything.
He runs the drugs,
610
00:30:16,147 --> 00:30:18,359
sex, extortion, everything.
611
00:30:18,383 --> 00:30:21,484
Any kind of crime that's in the
prison, he's in control of.
612
00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:23,954
And then the other gang leaders,
the Crips, the Bloods,
613
00:30:23,989 --> 00:30:25,555
the Aryan Nation,
614
00:30:25,590 --> 00:30:27,891
the Mexican Mafia,
they all come to him.
615
00:30:27,926 --> 00:30:30,994
And he's tough,
he's ruthless, but funny.
616
00:30:31,029 --> 00:30:35,665
It's like Breaking Bad
on acid, but funny.
617
00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:37,712
Main thing is...
And pure Jackie Burke.
618
00:30:37,736 --> 00:30:39,647
You'll write?
I'll write the pilot
619
00:30:39,671 --> 00:30:41,716
and I'll punch up
all the scripts.
620
00:30:41,740 --> 00:30:45,308
Our channel's target audience
is 18-24.
621
00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:47,043
He plays to that demo
all the time.
622
00:30:47,078 --> 00:30:48,545
They will eat this up.
623
00:30:48,580 --> 00:30:51,348
You got a title?
Burke on the Block.
624
00:30:51,383 --> 00:30:54,050
I'm open to anything.
You know your audience.
625
00:30:54,085 --> 00:30:56,720
Burke on the Block.
It's funny.
626
00:30:57,956 --> 00:31:00,023
Okay. Great.
627
00:31:00,058 --> 00:31:02,359
I just have to say, Eddie...
628
00:31:02,394 --> 00:31:04,728
God... Sorry.
629
00:31:04,763 --> 00:31:07,597
I mean, Jackie.
It's... No. No worries.
630
00:31:07,632 --> 00:31:10,033
Jackie. I can't believe
I said that.
631
00:31:10,068 --> 00:31:13,069
It's all right. Don't worry.
The idea's delicious.
632
00:31:13,104 --> 00:31:17,073
Your YouTube video,
a lot of hits.
633
00:31:17,108 --> 00:31:19,409
Let me bandy it about
with my posse here.
634
00:31:19,444 --> 00:31:21,522
There's a lot of stuff
to consider.
635
00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:23,380
How much time do you need?
636
00:31:23,415 --> 00:31:24,859
I just have to tell you, Jackie,
637
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,951
you are the reason
I am in television.
638
00:31:27,986 --> 00:31:29,853
In television comedy.
639
00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:34,591
When I was a kid, I remember
laughing so hard at you.
640
00:31:34,626 --> 00:31:37,038
I couldn't wait to grow up.
It is so cool to meet you.
641
00:31:37,062 --> 00:31:38,628
Thank you.
642
00:31:38,663 --> 00:31:41,631
But, listen, the idea
is terrific, and we'll...
643
00:31:41,666 --> 00:31:43,366
Did I hear a "but"?
644
00:31:43,401 --> 00:31:45,135
I thought I heard a "but."
645
00:31:45,170 --> 00:31:46,970
Did we hear a "but"?
646
00:31:47,005 --> 00:31:48,883
There's a lot of butts
sitting here,
647
00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:50,974
but does "but" mean
"Give me some time"?
648
00:31:51,009 --> 00:31:54,244
"Let me think about it"?
"Maybe never"? "Whatever"?
649
00:31:54,279 --> 00:31:58,315
Jackie, "but" is part
of my job description.
650
00:31:58,350 --> 00:32:01,551
But we don't have to go
past "but." It's not necessary.
651
00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:03,119
Time is of the essence.
652
00:32:03,154 --> 00:32:05,299
Not everybody has a lot of time,
especially me "but."
653
00:32:05,323 --> 00:32:08,158
Carol is just explaining
that there's a process...
654
00:32:08,193 --> 00:32:10,794
I know the process.
She's explaining the process.
655
00:32:10,829 --> 00:32:13,496
But the process is
we're not interested, "but."
656
00:32:13,531 --> 00:32:14,965
Thank you, "but."
657
00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:16,644
And I say, so long,
thank you too, "but."
658
00:32:16,668 --> 00:32:18,101
Thanks for coming in.
659
00:32:18,136 --> 00:32:21,104
Thank you.
I will give you a call.
660
00:32:22,874 --> 00:32:24,774
Whoa.
661
00:32:24,809 --> 00:32:26,443
Jackie.
662
00:32:26,478 --> 00:32:28,478
You see her fucking feet
on that table?
663
00:32:28,513 --> 00:32:29,991
Who does she think she is?
I did.
664
00:32:30,015 --> 00:32:31,592
She is a fan who runs
a cable network.
665
00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:33,183
Fucking bitch. Yeah.
666
00:32:33,218 --> 00:32:35,352
She had a neon sign on her
forehead that said "no."
667
00:32:35,387 --> 00:32:37,198
There are new executives
out there.
668
00:32:37,222 --> 00:32:39,467
You have to cultivate them.
They say "no" now,
669
00:32:39,491 --> 00:32:40,857
come back with another idea.
670
00:32:40,892 --> 00:32:42,636
Gonna tap dance for
these fucking idiots
671
00:32:42,660 --> 00:32:44,361
who don't have an ounce
of talent.
672
00:32:44,396 --> 00:32:46,196
They're gonna tell me
what's funny?
673
00:32:46,231 --> 00:32:47,975
Being funny
isn't enough anymore.
674
00:32:47,999 --> 00:32:50,633
Now you're fired.
675
00:32:50,668 --> 00:32:54,537
Jackie! Jackie, come on!
Jackie, please!
676
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:04,114
It's a little tight on you.
677
00:33:04,149 --> 00:33:06,060
I think you should
get something bigger.
678
00:33:06,084 --> 00:33:08,685
It's the shirt that
makes the man. Right?
679
00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:10,364
You know it.
There you go.
680
00:33:10,388 --> 00:33:12,322
This is you.
This is you.
681
00:33:12,357 --> 00:33:14,991
You're gonna like the way
you look. I guarantee it.
682
00:33:15,026 --> 00:33:16,960
Wait a minute.
683
00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:20,730
You're that guy on TV.
Eddie's Home, right?
684
00:33:20,765 --> 00:33:23,299
How'd you wind up here?
That's a good question.
685
00:33:23,334 --> 00:33:24,801
Here I am. What can I do?
686
00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:26,514
Jail? The slammer?
What happened?
687
00:33:26,538 --> 00:33:28,482
I was and had to
do community service.
688
00:33:28,506 --> 00:33:30,473
Here I am. Stuck.
What am I gonna do?
689
00:33:30,508 --> 00:33:31,919
There you go. See?
690
00:33:31,943 --> 00:33:33,354
You guys are all homeless,
right?
691
00:33:33,378 --> 00:33:35,712
Yeah. Pretty much homeless.
Yeah.
692
00:33:35,747 --> 00:33:38,381
Where are all the bums?
The guys that don't wanna work.
693
00:33:38,416 --> 00:33:39,749
What happens with them?
694
00:33:39,784 --> 00:33:42,185
I'm getting confused.
I want to work
695
00:33:42,220 --> 00:33:45,255
but I don't want any of the jobs
I can actually get.
696
00:33:45,290 --> 00:33:48,825
So I guess you could say, for me
697
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:52,162
Uh, it's more... Being a bum
is more of a career choice.
698
00:33:52,197 --> 00:33:54,008
- True.
- Gotta do what you gotta do.
699
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:56,099
That's what I gotta do.
Yeah.
700
00:33:56,134 --> 00:33:58,379
You lie in your own bed,
you sleep in it.
701
00:33:58,403 --> 00:34:00,036
Good advice. I like that.
702
00:34:00,071 --> 00:34:01,882
Where'd you learn that?
An old wives' tale.
703
00:34:01,906 --> 00:34:03,206
Mike, cover for me for a minute.
704
00:34:03,241 --> 00:34:04,721
Yeah.
Okay?
705
00:34:09,881 --> 00:34:12,882
Hi.
Aah! Shit.
706
00:34:12,917 --> 00:34:14,595
You keep sneaking up
on me like that.
707
00:34:14,619 --> 00:34:16,453
Why do you keep doing that?
708
00:34:16,488 --> 00:34:19,756
I don't know. It's something
I picked up in prison.
709
00:34:19,791 --> 00:34:22,025
By the way,
I watched that YouTube video
710
00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:24,794
and for what it's worth,
you were absolutely right
711
00:34:24,829 --> 00:34:26,896
to hit that guy in the face
with a microphone.
712
00:34:26,931 --> 00:34:29,365
- Thanks.
- He deserved it.
713
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:30,867
But my dad's an ex-con,
714
00:34:30,902 --> 00:34:32,635
so I don't know
what kind of judge I am.
715
00:34:32,670 --> 00:34:35,105
How many hours did you get?
A hundred. You?
716
00:34:35,140 --> 00:34:37,774
Two fifty. For what?
717
00:34:37,809 --> 00:34:41,377
Uh, assault.
Me too.
718
00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:44,447
You got a hundred for assault.
Why is that fair?
719
00:34:44,482 --> 00:34:47,150
Why does that make sense?
That makes no sense at all.
720
00:34:47,185 --> 00:34:50,753
Why should a man get less than
a woman? For the same thing.
721
00:34:50,788 --> 00:34:53,990
That makes zero sense.
Not that I mind working here
722
00:34:54,025 --> 00:34:57,260
because I really do love being
here, but that's bullshit.
723
00:34:57,295 --> 00:34:59,406
What'd you do,
get the celebrity discount?
724
00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:01,498
No, they gave me 30 days
in jail.
725
00:35:03,535 --> 00:35:06,069
Next time, don't hit someone
in the head with a microphone.
726
00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:08,471
Yeah. I was provoked.
Well, I was provoked.
727
00:35:08,506 --> 00:35:10,073
I was provoked.
728
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:11,585
You found him in bed
with somebody?
729
00:35:11,609 --> 00:35:14,010
Yeah. How'd you know?
730
00:35:14,045 --> 00:35:17,447
I've been there. I recognized
the key you were screaming in.
731
00:35:17,482 --> 00:35:18,615
So, what'd you do?
732
00:35:20,018 --> 00:35:22,418
I dislocated his jaw,
accidentally.
733
00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:24,420
Well, what about her?
734
00:35:24,455 --> 00:35:28,358
She put her hand up
to block a very small lamp,
735
00:35:28,393 --> 00:35:30,493
and her wrist broke.
736
00:35:30,528 --> 00:35:32,662
- Oh, okay.
- So.
737
00:35:33,865 --> 00:35:37,700
You know, I'm sorry, I...
738
00:35:37,735 --> 00:35:40,147
I'm sorry I was rude
the other day.
739
00:35:40,171 --> 00:35:43,473
No, I wasn't coming on strong.
I hope you didn't think I was.
740
00:35:43,508 --> 00:35:46,442
I just figured that you
and I are doing time together
741
00:35:46,477 --> 00:35:49,612
so us cons gotta stick together
in a place like this.
742
00:35:50,715 --> 00:35:53,016
Motherfucker.
743
00:35:53,051 --> 00:35:54,884
Motherfucker!
744
00:35:54,919 --> 00:35:57,487
Shit!
Oh, okay.
745
00:35:57,522 --> 00:36:01,057
Goddamn it. Shit.
746
00:36:01,092 --> 00:36:02,792
Okay. Okay.
747
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:04,194
Oh.
748
00:36:04,229 --> 00:36:06,362
This is the worst day ever.
749
00:36:06,397 --> 00:36:08,531
This is the shittiest day ever.
750
00:36:08,566 --> 00:36:11,034
I can't catch a fucking break.
751
00:36:11,069 --> 00:36:13,136
Goddamn it.
752
00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:15,872
Shit. I'm sorry.
753
00:36:15,907 --> 00:36:17,640
I don't need... I'm...
754
00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:19,186
You know what?
Let's get a broom.
755
00:36:19,210 --> 00:36:21,744
This is too messy for... We...
756
00:36:21,779 --> 00:36:25,182
It's all right. It's all right.
It's just a bunch of olives.
757
00:36:26,618 --> 00:36:29,085
Hey, look, are you free tonight?
758
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:32,255
What?
Are you free tonight?
759
00:36:32,290 --> 00:36:35,692
What, like a date? No, I'm not
going on a date with you.
760
00:36:35,727 --> 00:36:37,193
We can call it a date,
761
00:36:37,228 --> 00:36:39,073
or it'll be an appointment,
doesn't matter.
762
00:36:39,097 --> 00:36:41,275
No date. And I'm not
sleeping with you.
763
00:36:41,299 --> 00:36:43,733
That's not what I wanna do.
764
00:36:43,768 --> 00:36:45,368
I'm not asking you
to sleep with me.
765
00:36:45,403 --> 00:36:47,281
I'm asking you to go on an
appointment with me.
766
00:36:47,305 --> 00:36:49,539
Look, you had a terrible day.
You just said it.
767
00:36:49,574 --> 00:36:51,774
Let me take you to a place.
You might have a nice time.
768
00:36:51,809 --> 00:36:53,954
My life is going great
right now,
769
00:36:53,978 --> 00:36:55,689
so I don't know if you think
770
00:36:55,713 --> 00:36:57,625
my life isn't going great
because I am fine.
771
00:36:57,649 --> 00:36:59,782
I'm perfectly fine.
772
00:36:59,817 --> 00:37:03,019
So I don't need you telling me
that my life isn't going great
773
00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:06,055
but if I have time tonight,
I'll check my calendar
774
00:37:06,090 --> 00:37:09,525
and make sure that I have time.
If I do, then maybe I'll go.
775
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,394
Good. So why don't you come?
776
00:37:13,331 --> 00:37:15,932
Well, what time?
After your shift.
777
00:37:15,967 --> 00:37:17,533
All right.
778
00:37:17,568 --> 00:37:19,079
So I'll check and see
if I'm free,
779
00:37:19,103 --> 00:37:20,814
then I'll meet you
upstairs after work.
780
00:37:20,838 --> 00:37:23,373
I'll be outside just like
the other homeless people.
781
00:37:23,408 --> 00:37:24,941
I'll be on the ground
over there.
782
00:37:24,976 --> 00:37:27,210
Wake me up.
Make sure you wake me up.
783
00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:29,089
So I smell like olives.
Don't worry.
784
00:37:29,113 --> 00:37:30,991
Are you gonna help me
clean this up?
785
00:37:31,015 --> 00:37:32,935
If you go with me,
I'll help you clean it up.
786
00:37:35,119 --> 00:37:37,820
You ever notice that all old
Jewish people have the same face
787
00:37:37,855 --> 00:37:39,633
even when they're saying
something positive?
788
00:37:39,657 --> 00:37:42,258
"It's gorgeous outside.
789
00:37:42,293 --> 00:37:44,927
I'm so grateful I'm healthy."
790
00:37:44,962 --> 00:37:47,341
Are you sure you're okay?
You look like shit.
791
00:37:47,365 --> 00:37:49,966
I went to visit
my grandmother recently,
792
00:37:50,001 --> 00:37:51,501
and all these old Jewish women
793
00:37:51,536 --> 00:37:53,069
sit around and play mah-jongg
794
00:37:53,104 --> 00:37:54,982
and all sound like little bees
when they talk.
795
00:37:55,006 --> 00:37:56,172
You know, they hunch over:
796
00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:04,113
salmon.
797
00:38:04,148 --> 00:38:06,582
Anyway, so I go to find her,
798
00:38:06,617 --> 00:38:09,285
and she's not there
and I go up to her friend Rona
799
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,788
and I said, "Rona, do you know
where my grandmother is?"
800
00:38:11,823 --> 00:38:13,667
She goes "I don't know, darling,
801
00:38:13,691 --> 00:38:17,160
"but I'll let her know
you're looking for her.
802
00:38:19,530 --> 00:38:21,141
Trust fund."
803
00:38:21,165 --> 00:38:22,799
Anyway, so...
804
00:38:22,834 --> 00:38:25,868
I walk away, and
I hear her yell out
805
00:38:25,903 --> 00:38:27,470
in the middle of the card room:
806
00:38:27,505 --> 00:38:29,972
"That's Bee Fobman's
granddaughter.
807
00:38:30,007 --> 00:38:31,974
"she's a lesbian magician."
808
00:38:34,479 --> 00:38:35,679
You know what I did?
809
00:38:35,713 --> 00:38:37,358
I fucked her
and made her disappear.
810
00:38:37,382 --> 00:38:39,482
Isn't that amazing?
811
00:38:39,517 --> 00:38:41,184
You guys are awesome.
812
00:38:41,219 --> 00:38:42,996
Don't clap.
It'll never fill the hole.
813
00:38:43,020 --> 00:38:45,488
Look who's here. Oh, my God.
814
00:38:45,523 --> 00:38:48,791
It's Jackie Burke.
Jackie Burke's in the crowd.
815
00:38:50,194 --> 00:38:53,996
That is... I have not seen
you in so long.
816
00:38:54,031 --> 00:38:56,299
Isn't it adorable
when celebrities bring
817
00:38:56,334 --> 00:38:58,034
their hookers to the club?
818
00:38:58,069 --> 00:39:00,013
Isn't that amazing?
Isn't that awesome?
819
00:39:00,037 --> 00:39:02,171
What did he do to get you here?
820
00:39:02,206 --> 00:39:04,640
Uh, ha-ha-ha.
821
00:39:04,675 --> 00:39:07,410
That he would buy me an ass...
Ice-cream cone.
822
00:39:08,613 --> 00:39:10,813
"Ass cream" is amazing.
823
00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:12,482
That's so cute.
824
00:39:12,517 --> 00:39:16,252
I tasted ass cream,
and it is so delicious.
825
00:39:16,287 --> 00:39:17,887
There's all kinds of flavors.
826
00:39:17,922 --> 00:39:21,324
What kind of flavor ass cream
would you get if you...?
827
00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:22,725
You need to be careful
828
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:25,105
because those sprinkles
will be roofies.
829
00:39:26,798 --> 00:39:30,333
Trust me, I know. I was
very sore after that night.
830
00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:32,212
You're giving
away my secret, Jess.
831
00:39:32,236 --> 00:39:34,014
After everything
I've done for you.
832
00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:36,250
I was there when you were
starting out as a young man.
833
00:39:40,978 --> 00:39:43,846
I always had a
bigger dick though.
834
00:39:43,881 --> 00:39:45,715
I did. Always.
835
00:39:45,750 --> 00:39:48,251
No, you don't.
No, you don't.
836
00:39:48,286 --> 00:39:51,087
Wait, wait. You know what, Jess?
You're right. Your cock is huge.
837
00:39:53,424 --> 00:39:55,602
So I wanna tell you
guys something.
838
00:39:55,626 --> 00:39:57,293
It's so good to see Jackie.
839
00:39:57,328 --> 00:39:59,106
Because Jackie is
really my mentor.
840
00:39:59,130 --> 00:40:01,141
I was opening for him
one night...
841
00:40:01,165 --> 00:40:03,277
I mean, comedy.
I was opening comedy.
842
00:40:04,769 --> 00:40:07,270
Yeah. We did a Jewish
country-club gig.
843
00:40:07,305 --> 00:40:08,971
No. It was Italian.
844
00:40:09,006 --> 00:40:11,251
No. It wasn't Italian.
It was Jewish. They were Jews.
845
00:40:11,275 --> 00:40:13,876
I went in the men's room.
Believe me, it was Italian.
846
00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:17,847
A lot of calzones.
847
00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:20,828
Give him a hand.
He's incredible.
848
00:40:20,852 --> 00:40:22,318
My pleasure.
849
00:40:23,654 --> 00:40:25,254
You suck in bed,
850
00:40:25,289 --> 00:40:28,057
but you're such a great guy
and a great comic.
851
00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:31,894
That was amazing. That was
so much fun. I feel like I'm high.
852
00:40:31,929 --> 00:40:33,896
You were so funny. That was...
853
00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:36,432
You're so much funnier
than Eddie.
854
00:40:36,467 --> 00:40:38,579
You're so quick, and, like,
855
00:40:38,603 --> 00:40:40,681
do you come up with all
that on the spot?
856
00:40:40,705 --> 00:40:42,472
Eh, sometimes. Yeah.
857
00:40:42,507 --> 00:40:44,507
That was good. Thank you.
858
00:40:44,542 --> 00:40:47,076
Are you free on Sunday?
859
00:40:47,111 --> 00:40:49,122
Uh, no. I'm not.
I don't...
860
00:40:49,146 --> 00:40:51,414
No, no. I have a wedding
that I have to go to.
861
00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:53,349
My niece's wedding.
I don't wanna go...
862
00:40:53,384 --> 00:40:55,084
I don't wanna go alone.
863
00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:57,620
I thought, maybe, if you went,
you could be my wingman.
864
00:40:57,655 --> 00:41:00,923
We could have a few laughs.
Okay.
865
00:41:00,958 --> 00:41:02,269
Really?
Yeah.
866
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:03,770
You're free on Sunday?
Yeah.
867
00:41:03,794 --> 00:41:04,861
What, you have no life?
868
00:41:06,497 --> 00:41:08,442
But you have to do me a favor.
What's that?
869
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:11,701
My dad's birthday's
on Monday, and...
870
00:41:11,736 --> 00:41:15,171
he asked me for a birthday gift,
and you're it.
871
00:41:15,206 --> 00:41:18,274
Do I have to?
Yeah.
872
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:19,653
Okay, okay.
Deal?
873
00:41:19,677 --> 00:41:21,644
Deal.
Ha-ha-ha. Okay.
874
00:41:21,679 --> 00:41:24,881
That was fun.
I loved that.
875
00:41:39,864 --> 00:41:42,164
Thank you.
I appreciate you doing this.
876
00:41:42,199 --> 00:41:43,733
Remember, this is family.
877
00:41:43,768 --> 00:41:45,968
I need 20 more cases
of champagne.
878
00:41:46,003 --> 00:41:48,070
Ah, Mr. Jackie Burke.
879
00:41:48,105 --> 00:41:50,017
Your brother asked me
to wait for you.
880
00:41:50,041 --> 00:41:52,074
It's already started.
Come on. Hurry.
881
00:41:52,109 --> 00:41:54,677
They haven't done the
glass-breaking yet, have they?
882
00:41:54,712 --> 00:41:57,046
The glass-breaking part
is my favorite part.
883
00:41:57,081 --> 00:41:58,659
The ceremony was an hour ago.
884
00:41:58,683 --> 00:42:00,260
We are about to present
the brides.
885
00:42:00,284 --> 00:42:01,250
Shit.
886
00:42:01,285 --> 00:42:03,219
Ahem. Uh, nice dress.
887
00:42:03,254 --> 00:42:05,098
Too bad they didn't have it
in your size.
888
00:42:05,122 --> 00:42:07,000
How do you get in and out
of that thing, huh?
889
00:42:07,024 --> 00:42:09,358
None of your business.
Come on.
890
00:42:09,393 --> 00:42:11,338
Everybody, inside.
Inside now.
891
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:12,395
Please.
892
00:42:13,931 --> 00:42:16,999
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my honor
893
00:42:17,034 --> 00:42:19,046
to present to you the newlyweds.
894
00:42:19,070 --> 00:42:23,906
Spouses for life.
895
00:42:23,941 --> 00:42:26,108
Everybody stand up.
Stand up.
896
00:42:26,143 --> 00:42:27,788
And for their first dance,
897
00:42:27,812 --> 00:42:30,947
they've prepared
something special for you.
898
00:42:30,982 --> 00:42:34,550
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
899
00:42:34,585 --> 00:42:39,722
♪ We dream the same thing
We want the same thing ♪
900
00:42:39,757 --> 00:42:42,124
♪ Oh... ♪
901
00:42:42,159 --> 00:42:46,128
♪ We dream the same thing
We want the same thing ♪
902
00:42:48,466 --> 00:42:51,567
♪ Here is my case
We've got no time to waste ♪
903
00:42:51,602 --> 00:42:54,236
♪ 'Cause we want
The same thing ♪
904
00:42:54,271 --> 00:42:55,638
Come on, guys!
905
00:42:55,673 --> 00:42:56,973
♪ We're started a war ♪
906
00:42:57,008 --> 00:42:59,241
♪ But we don't know what for ♪
907
00:42:59,276 --> 00:43:02,078
♪ 'Cause we want
The same thing ♪
908
00:43:02,113 --> 00:43:04,080
♪ I know we're different now ♪
909
00:43:04,115 --> 00:43:05,915
♪ Different as night and day ♪
910
00:43:05,950 --> 00:43:11,487
♪ But still want you
I just want you to stay ♪
911
00:43:13,424 --> 00:43:16,158
♪ I want to take this chance
I want to be with you ♪
912
00:43:16,193 --> 00:43:18,594
Hey, you came.
913
00:43:18,629 --> 00:43:21,431
Congratulations.
Thank you.
914
00:43:23,267 --> 00:43:26,002
This is my brother,
Jimmy. Harmony.
915
00:43:26,037 --> 00:43:27,737
Hi.
Oh.
916
00:43:27,772 --> 00:43:29,605
You never cease to amaze me.
917
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:31,874
Very nice.
918
00:43:34,512 --> 00:43:36,746
This is my wife, Florence.
Hi.
919
00:43:36,781 --> 00:43:38,748
This is Harmony,
Jackie's friend.
920
00:43:38,783 --> 00:43:41,283
Congratulations.
Thanks for having me. Mm-hmm.
921
00:43:41,318 --> 00:43:43,664
Nice to meet you,
and thank you for coming.
922
00:43:43,688 --> 00:43:47,657
Ah! Uncle Jackie!
Oh, my God, you came.
923
00:43:47,692 --> 00:43:50,426
Uncle Jackie,
this is my wife, Frankie.
924
00:43:50,461 --> 00:43:53,663
Nice to meet you.
Congratulations.
925
00:43:53,698 --> 00:43:55,264
Hi.
Welcome to our family.
926
00:43:55,299 --> 00:43:58,200
You can come meet our friends.
Meet our friends.
927
00:43:58,235 --> 00:44:01,604
Come on. Guys, guys.
928
00:44:01,639 --> 00:44:04,106
This is my Uncle Jackie.
929
00:44:05,910 --> 00:44:08,110
This is such a nice wedding,
930
00:44:08,145 --> 00:44:10,980
and your daughter,
she's beautiful.
931
00:44:11,015 --> 00:44:12,314
Beautiful dress.
932
00:44:12,349 --> 00:44:14,116
Kleinfeld's.
933
00:44:14,151 --> 00:44:16,318
And Frankie has a different one.
934
00:44:16,353 --> 00:44:19,889
Yeah.
They're partners, not twins.
935
00:44:19,924 --> 00:44:21,824
Flo, Flo.
936
00:44:26,063 --> 00:44:28,197
Have you known Jackie long?
937
00:44:28,232 --> 00:44:30,399
How did you meet?
938
00:44:30,434 --> 00:44:33,502
I picked him up at
the homeless shelter.
939
00:44:33,537 --> 00:44:37,306
Florence, Florence. Florence.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
940
00:44:37,341 --> 00:44:39,019
Come on. You
gotta make us laugh.
941
00:44:39,043 --> 00:44:40,754
Please. That
would be so great.
942
00:44:40,778 --> 00:44:42,745
You're gonna say a few words,
right?
943
00:44:42,780 --> 00:44:44,513
I'm just here as a guest.
944
00:44:44,548 --> 00:44:47,416
Oh, please. Come on.
It would be so great.
945
00:44:47,451 --> 00:44:49,730
Ask your parents.
I don't wanna deal with a...
946
00:44:49,754 --> 00:44:51,264
We don't want it
to become a thing.
947
00:44:51,288 --> 00:44:52,833
He doesn't want to.
He's a guest.
948
00:44:52,857 --> 00:44:54,601
If she's gonna make
a thing out of it,
949
00:44:54,625 --> 00:44:56,158
then it's gonna be a disaster.
950
00:44:56,193 --> 00:45:00,730
No. For me, for me.
You gotta. Please? For us.
951
00:45:00,765 --> 00:45:02,699
Come on. It's my wedding.
952
00:45:05,369 --> 00:45:06,602
Okay.
953
00:45:09,607 --> 00:45:12,241
Thank you!
954
00:45:18,616 --> 00:45:20,416
Come on, guys.
955
00:45:26,090 --> 00:45:27,530
Hey!
956
00:45:30,227 --> 00:45:31,667
Hey!
957
00:45:34,265 --> 00:45:35,705
Hey!
958
00:45:36,667 --> 00:45:38,311
Come on. Let's go.
No, no.
959
00:45:38,335 --> 00:45:40,736
Oh, come on.
I'm coming down with something.
960
00:45:40,771 --> 00:45:42,449
You're not coming down
with something.
961
00:45:42,473 --> 00:45:44,073
I get nervous up there.
Dizzy.
962
00:45:44,108 --> 00:45:45,641
I get dizzy.
To dance?
963
00:45:53,784 --> 00:45:55,084
Come on. Come on.
964
00:45:55,119 --> 00:45:56,318
Come on.
965
00:45:56,353 --> 00:45:58,120
Come on, you. You chicken!
966
00:45:58,155 --> 00:46:00,489
Come on.
No. I don't do physical comedy.
967
00:46:00,524 --> 00:46:02,258
You dance.
I'm gonna take her.
968
00:46:02,293 --> 00:46:05,261
Take her. Don't steal her.
Take me.
969
00:46:05,296 --> 00:46:07,563
Come on. Come on.
970
00:46:13,971 --> 00:46:14,971
Woo-hoo!
971
00:46:20,211 --> 00:46:21,644
Dance with me, beautiful.
972
00:46:26,951 --> 00:46:28,671
Who's the shiksa?
973
00:46:30,988 --> 00:46:32,455
Dance.
974
00:46:36,327 --> 00:46:38,361
You should be worried, Jackie.
975
00:46:49,807 --> 00:46:51,874
Please. Everyone stand back.
976
00:46:51,909 --> 00:46:53,475
Are you all right?
977
00:46:53,510 --> 00:46:55,644
Are you okay?
Inhale. Exhale.
978
00:46:55,679 --> 00:46:58,047
Hey.
Hey, let go.
979
00:46:58,082 --> 00:47:01,650
It's not my heart we are worried
about. Get up, you old letch.
980
00:47:01,685 --> 00:47:02,685
Okay. Come on.
981
00:47:07,391 --> 00:47:11,494
♪ Nothing all at, babe ♪
982
00:47:13,931 --> 00:47:17,366
♪ Look into my eyes can't you
See they're open wide? ♪
983
00:47:17,401 --> 00:47:21,971
♪ Would I lie to you, baby
Would I lie to you? ♪
984
00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:23,505
That was fun.
985
00:47:23,540 --> 00:47:25,151
Yeah. Well,
you're having a good time.
986
00:47:25,175 --> 00:47:27,020
You should've done it.
You're not sick.
987
00:47:27,044 --> 00:47:30,079
- Ooh. Little shits.
- Don't push me!
988
00:47:30,114 --> 00:47:31,847
No maternal instinct?
989
00:47:31,882 --> 00:47:34,683
No. My maternal instinct
kicks in when I'm 70.
990
00:47:34,718 --> 00:47:37,553
When you're 70?
991
00:47:37,588 --> 00:47:39,421
Were you ever married?
992
00:47:39,456 --> 00:47:41,857
No. Uh-huh.
No?
993
00:47:41,892 --> 00:47:43,592
Never...?
994
00:47:43,627 --> 00:47:46,595
Seems very unusual that a girl
like you is not attached.
995
00:47:46,630 --> 00:47:50,232
I've been attached.
It's just never stuck.
996
00:47:50,267 --> 00:47:52,001
You have more questions?
997
00:47:52,036 --> 00:47:55,671
Hi, can I have your attention,
everybody?
998
00:47:57,074 --> 00:47:59,208
Thank you.
Brittany.
999
00:47:59,243 --> 00:48:01,883
Frankie and I wanna welcome you
1000
00:48:01,912 --> 00:48:04,213
- all here tonight.
- We love you, Frankie.
1001
00:48:04,248 --> 00:48:07,449
You can't imagine how happy
I am you all came to share
1002
00:48:07,484 --> 00:48:09,396
this day with us.
She seems nice.
1003
00:48:09,420 --> 00:48:11,053
I don't know her that well.
1004
00:48:11,088 --> 00:48:15,391
You may have noticed my uncle,
Jackie Burke, is here.
1005
00:48:17,461 --> 00:48:22,398
Some of you may recognize him
as Eddie from Eddie's Home.
1006
00:48:23,567 --> 00:48:26,101
Eddie!
1007
00:48:26,136 --> 00:48:28,304
But I've known him
my whole life.
1008
00:48:28,339 --> 00:48:31,573
I still remember him teaching
me dirty jokes as a kid.
1009
00:48:31,608 --> 00:48:34,710
Before I could say "Dada,"
I could say "caca."
1010
00:48:35,980 --> 00:48:39,481
He taught me the B word,
the S word,
1011
00:48:39,516 --> 00:48:41,750
the F word.
Yeah, all of them.
1012
00:48:41,785 --> 00:48:44,887
She already knew the C word.
She picked it up on her own.
1013
00:48:44,922 --> 00:48:47,957
But, seriously,
it means so much to me
1014
00:48:47,992 --> 00:48:51,961
that he's here today
after way too many years.
1015
00:48:51,996 --> 00:48:55,931
So please give a warm welcome
to my Uncle Jackie.
1016
00:48:55,966 --> 00:48:58,434
Careful up there.
We're outnumbered.
1017
00:48:58,469 --> 00:49:00,937
He'll say a few words.
Jackie Burke!
1018
00:49:03,474 --> 00:49:05,641
So happy he came.
Here we go.
1019
00:49:07,311 --> 00:49:08,644
Thank you, honey.
1020
00:49:08,679 --> 00:49:10,980
You know, it's a...
1021
00:49:11,015 --> 00:49:13,282
It's an honor being here
1022
00:49:13,317 --> 00:49:15,295
to celebrate Brittany
and Frankie's wedding.
1023
00:49:15,319 --> 00:49:16,785
Frankie, right? Not Butch?
1024
00:49:19,323 --> 00:49:21,790
How long till the divorce?
1025
00:49:21,825 --> 00:49:23,870
Same-sex divorce
is the latest thing, you know?
1026
00:49:23,894 --> 00:49:26,261
What the fuck
is this place anyway?
1027
00:49:26,296 --> 00:49:28,130
The Titanic?
What is this?
1028
00:49:28,165 --> 00:49:30,265
Look at these fucking
chandeliers.
1029
00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:32,034
Jesus.
1030
00:49:32,069 --> 00:49:35,137
These chairs aren't tall enough.
What's this?
1031
00:49:36,373 --> 00:49:38,040
And I wanna thank...
1032
00:49:38,075 --> 00:49:40,353
Seriously, I wanna thank
Flo and Jimmy for inviting me
1033
00:49:40,377 --> 00:49:41,810
to this beautiful occasion.
1034
00:49:41,845 --> 00:49:44,024
- Yeah. Thanks for coming.
- Really is.
1035
00:49:44,048 --> 00:49:46,382
And all the other family members
1036
00:49:46,417 --> 00:49:48,550
many of whom
I thought were dead.
1037
00:49:48,585 --> 00:49:50,163
Most of whom hoped I were dead.
1038
00:49:51,989 --> 00:49:54,067
Oh, boy. Nobody can fuck
you up like family.
1039
00:49:54,091 --> 00:49:55,457
That's for sure.
1040
00:49:55,492 --> 00:49:56,836
We're in trouble.
He knows.
1041
00:49:56,860 --> 00:49:59,962
You know,
I had a troubled childhood.
1042
00:49:59,997 --> 00:50:01,541
My father molested my brother.
1043
00:50:01,565 --> 00:50:03,376
Jimmy, I'm just telling
one little story.
1044
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:04,878
Here we go.
Not good.
1045
00:50:04,902 --> 00:50:06,846
My father molested
my little brother,
1046
00:50:06,870 --> 00:50:08,581
and the bastard
never even touched me.
1047
00:50:08,605 --> 00:50:10,472
Never even looked at me.
1048
00:50:10,507 --> 00:50:13,909
Do you know what it's like
growing up feeling unwanted?
1049
00:50:13,944 --> 00:50:15,855
Knowing that your father
doesn't find you
1050
00:50:15,879 --> 00:50:17,646
attractive enough to fondle?
1051
00:50:19,183 --> 00:50:20,916
I mean, was it so terrible...?
1052
00:50:20,951 --> 00:50:22,351
Would it have been so terrible
1053
00:50:22,386 --> 00:50:24,887
if he just played
with my dick a little?
1054
00:50:24,922 --> 00:50:27,756
Just stroked it? You know,
wiggled it a little? Something.
1055
00:50:27,791 --> 00:50:29,903
He didn't do anything.
I felt terrible.
1056
00:50:29,927 --> 00:50:31,704
I was so rejected.
Anyway.
1057
00:50:31,728 --> 00:50:34,040
I know we're supposed to
pretend there's nothing wrong
1058
00:50:34,064 --> 00:50:35,742
or unusual about this event
tonight,
1059
00:50:35,766 --> 00:50:38,700
just another middle-class
Jewish wedding. Right?
1060
00:50:38,735 --> 00:50:40,436
No. Wrong.
1061
00:50:40,471 --> 00:50:44,373
So can I address the
800-pound gorilla in the room?
1062
00:50:44,408 --> 00:50:45,608
And that would be...
1063
00:50:47,244 --> 00:50:48,244
Flo.
1064
00:50:49,646 --> 00:50:51,880
Flo, how did you let
this happen?
1065
00:50:51,915 --> 00:50:53,582
Can't be Jimmy's fault.
1066
00:50:53,617 --> 00:50:55,462
What have you done
to my poor little brother?
1067
00:50:55,486 --> 00:50:59,188
He was 6 feet tall
when you got married.
1068
00:50:59,223 --> 00:51:01,423
Oh, and now Brittany.
Oh, no.
1069
00:51:01,458 --> 00:51:03,625
You were so concerned
about her growing up
1070
00:51:03,660 --> 00:51:05,627
to be a Jewish American
princess,
1071
00:51:05,662 --> 00:51:07,463
you didn't even notice
1072
00:51:07,498 --> 00:51:09,932
that she was turning out to be
a Jewish American prince.
1073
00:51:09,967 --> 00:51:10,967
Ooh!
1074
00:51:15,806 --> 00:51:17,873
The shame that she brought
all of us...
1075
00:51:17,908 --> 00:51:21,410
Will you stop this?
By marrying a non-Jew.
1076
00:51:21,445 --> 00:51:24,746
- Well, that's me.
- What did you do, Flo?
1077
00:51:24,781 --> 00:51:26,482
God have mercy on you.
1078
00:51:28,118 --> 00:51:30,752
I'm gonna fucking kill you
when we get home.
1079
00:51:30,787 --> 00:51:33,789
I have my own special gift
to present to the newlyweds.
1080
00:51:33,824 --> 00:51:35,668
I've been doing volunteer work
1081
00:51:35,692 --> 00:51:37,770
down at the mission,
for the homeless.
1082
00:51:37,794 --> 00:51:39,239
He was in jail.
1083
00:51:39,263 --> 00:51:41,107
They don't like
to be called "bums" anymore.
1084
00:51:41,131 --> 00:51:43,765
And they were so moved
when I told them about
1085
00:51:43,800 --> 00:51:46,768
Brittany and Frankie's
reproductive challenges
1086
00:51:46,803 --> 00:51:48,570
that they all wanted to help.
1087
00:51:48,605 --> 00:51:50,639
So they all got together,
each one
1088
00:51:50,674 --> 00:51:53,675
and they all contributed
to making a very significant
1089
00:51:53,710 --> 00:51:57,079
a very thoughtful,
a very useful gift:
1090
00:51:57,114 --> 00:51:58,580
a pint of semen.
1091
00:52:01,852 --> 00:52:05,120
- Thanks, boys. Give them a hand.
- Disgusting.
1092
00:52:05,155 --> 00:52:06,789
They've worn theirs out.
1093
00:52:08,292 --> 00:52:10,592
Oh, my gosh.
1094
00:52:10,627 --> 00:52:12,494
Just stop this.
1095
00:52:12,529 --> 00:52:16,165
Uncle Jackie would've added
a dash and a splash of his own
1096
00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:19,635
but that would be incest,
heh, and incest,
1097
00:52:19,670 --> 00:52:21,937
you know, is even worse
than being gay.
1098
00:52:23,840 --> 00:52:25,807
Boos, really?
1099
00:52:25,842 --> 00:52:27,376
Flo likes it.
1100
00:52:27,411 --> 00:52:30,679
Apparently, Brittany and I share
the same weakness
1101
00:52:30,714 --> 00:52:33,782
for wanting to bang beautiful
young women.
1102
00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:36,051
And yet she turned out to be
so normal
1103
00:52:36,086 --> 00:52:38,654
and I turned out to be
so fucked up.
1104
00:52:38,689 --> 00:52:40,800
- How did that happen?
- You got that right.
1105
00:52:40,824 --> 00:52:43,993
I don't know.
Maybe it's because
1106
00:52:46,930 --> 00:52:48,508
I never met a woman
like Frankie,
1107
00:52:48,532 --> 00:52:50,032
and maybe it's because
1108
00:52:50,067 --> 00:52:54,670
I never found a love
and happiness
1109
00:52:54,705 --> 00:52:57,217
that Brittany and Frankie
have found with each other.
1110
00:52:57,241 --> 00:52:59,508
- Mm.
- Aw.
1111
00:53:13,390 --> 00:53:14,523
Whoo!
1112
00:53:19,196 --> 00:53:21,797
Come on. Let's make a run for it
before they lynch us.
1113
00:53:23,433 --> 00:53:24,944
I've never seen anything
like that.
1114
00:53:24,968 --> 00:53:26,401
Me neither.
1115
00:53:26,436 --> 00:53:28,537
You just can't help yourself,
can you?
1116
00:53:28,572 --> 00:53:30,750
This low-life motherfucking
brother of yours.
1117
00:53:30,774 --> 00:53:32,352
Takes a dump
at our kid's wedding,
1118
00:53:32,376 --> 00:53:33,920
and that's all you're gonna say?
1119
00:53:33,944 --> 00:53:35,922
What do you want me to say?
We let him up there.
1120
00:53:35,946 --> 00:53:37,512
You know what he does.
1121
00:53:37,547 --> 00:53:40,849
Heh, uh, Brittany asked him
to be Jackie Burke,
1122
00:53:40,884 --> 00:53:43,685
so I don't know why
you're yelling at him.
1123
00:53:43,720 --> 00:53:45,598
Who the fuck are you
to talk to me like that?
1124
00:53:45,622 --> 00:53:47,389
Whoa... Flo...
Who invited you
1125
00:53:47,424 --> 00:53:49,558
with your no-underwear dress?
1126
00:53:49,593 --> 00:53:51,360
- This is not...
- Go. Please.
1127
00:53:51,395 --> 00:53:54,463
What the fuck is your problem?
I don't have a problem.
1128
00:53:54,498 --> 00:53:57,065
Don't yell at me.
Don't comment on my dress.
1129
00:53:57,100 --> 00:53:58,767
Look at your fucking dress.
1130
00:53:58,802 --> 00:54:00,813
My dress is beautiful.
It's time to cut the cake.
1131
00:54:00,837 --> 00:54:02,215
Fuck you.
Fuck you back.
1132
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:04,973
Fuck you back. Fuck you back.
1133
00:54:05,008 --> 00:54:07,376
It's time to cut the cake.
1134
00:54:07,411 --> 00:54:09,044
It's time to cut the cake.
1135
00:54:09,079 --> 00:54:10,657
You're lucky
I don't get my brothers
1136
00:54:10,681 --> 00:54:14,950
to cut your nut sack off
before you hit the tunnel!
1137
00:54:14,985 --> 00:54:16,663
What's the problem?
The kids loved it.
1138
00:54:16,687 --> 00:54:18,053
Come on. Let me at him.
1139
00:54:18,088 --> 00:54:21,423
Come on. Let me at him.
Stupid bitch!
1140
00:54:21,458 --> 00:54:23,659
You're the mother...
Oh, shut up!
1141
00:54:23,694 --> 00:54:25,171
Let me go.
I'll see you again,
1142
00:54:25,195 --> 00:54:26,795
in hell, motherfucker!
1143
00:54:26,830 --> 00:54:30,132
You are a beast!
Okay. Just calm down.
1144
00:54:30,167 --> 00:54:33,168
"You're lucky my brothers
don't cut your nut sack off
1145
00:54:33,203 --> 00:54:35,604
"before you get to the tunnel."
Ha-ha.
1146
00:54:35,639 --> 00:54:36,938
She's a nut case.
1147
00:54:36,973 --> 00:54:39,141
She's amazing. I love her.
1148
00:54:39,176 --> 00:54:40,987
That's what I get
for doing something nice
1149
00:54:41,011 --> 00:54:42,277
for my brother's kid.
1150
00:54:42,312 --> 00:54:43,856
That was so much fun.
Family.
1151
00:54:43,880 --> 00:54:45,113
Tomorrow night's your turn.
1152
00:55:04,668 --> 00:55:06,301
Hi.
Hi.
1153
00:55:06,336 --> 00:55:09,705
Thanks for doing this.
No problem.
1154
00:55:09,740 --> 00:55:12,207
You okay?
Mm-hmm.
1155
00:55:12,242 --> 00:55:14,509
You look beautiful.
1156
00:55:14,544 --> 00:55:16,345
You know this joint's famous.
1157
00:55:16,380 --> 00:55:18,820
In '85, Big Paulie Castellano
got whacked right here
1158
00:55:18,849 --> 00:55:20,349
on this sidewalk.
1159
00:55:20,384 --> 00:55:21,961
Yeah. Paulie was a friend
of my dad's.
1160
00:55:21,985 --> 00:55:24,753
Uh-oh.
I'm taking you with me.
1161
00:55:27,524 --> 00:55:28,824
Hi.
1162
00:55:30,060 --> 00:55:31,393
That's him right there.
1163
00:55:31,428 --> 00:55:33,508
Oh, you're with Mr. Schiltz.
1164
00:55:44,408 --> 00:55:46,475
Whoa.
Heh.
1165
00:55:46,510 --> 00:55:49,077
Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
Is this who I think it is?
1166
00:55:49,112 --> 00:55:50,679
Is it Eddie?
1167
00:55:50,714 --> 00:55:52,225
I think it's Eddie,
but it's Jackie.
1168
00:55:53,550 --> 00:55:56,084
It's Eddie. My baby.
1169
00:55:56,119 --> 00:56:00,856
Boy, you did it this time.
What a birthday surprise.
1170
00:56:00,891 --> 00:56:02,891
"Arlene."
1171
00:56:04,194 --> 00:56:06,061
Thank you.
Thank you, Eddie,
1172
00:56:06,096 --> 00:56:08,997
for all the countless
laughs. Thank you.
1173
00:56:09,032 --> 00:56:10,910
Happy birthday.
And I just wanna...
1174
00:56:10,934 --> 00:56:12,534
It's Jackie, by the way.
1175
00:56:14,271 --> 00:56:16,705
I've enjoyed you so much.
1176
00:56:16,740 --> 00:56:19,108
Look at that punim.
Look at it.
1177
00:56:20,744 --> 00:56:22,878
In fact, so much, I can do you.
1178
00:56:22,913 --> 00:56:24,246
I can.
You can?
1179
00:56:24,281 --> 00:56:25,625
Did she tell you?
No. No.
1180
00:56:25,649 --> 00:56:27,115
Yeah. He can do you.
1181
00:56:27,150 --> 00:56:28,795
I've been doing you
in the bathroom
1182
00:56:28,819 --> 00:56:30,285
and at parties for decades.
1183
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:32,131
You must have
a better manager than I do.
1184
00:56:34,257 --> 00:56:36,124
Sit. Sit.
1185
00:56:36,159 --> 00:56:37,926
Sit.
1186
00:56:37,961 --> 00:56:41,196
Gino. Ring the register.
Eddie's here.
1187
00:56:41,231 --> 00:56:44,299
Copy that, Mr. Schiltz.
1188
00:56:44,334 --> 00:56:46,234
Jesus, I don't believe this.
1189
00:56:46,269 --> 00:56:49,104
What a birthday present.
1190
00:56:49,139 --> 00:56:51,306
What are you drinking?
Chivas on the rocks.
1191
00:56:51,341 --> 00:56:54,810
For you?
My baby drinks martinis.
1192
00:56:54,845 --> 00:56:56,077
Hey.
1193
00:56:56,112 --> 00:56:58,246
How about giving us one big
1194
00:56:58,281 --> 00:57:02,083
"Arlene, where are you?"
1195
00:57:02,118 --> 00:57:03,318
Do it. Come on.
1196
00:57:03,353 --> 00:57:04,897
Dad. No.
Do I have to?
1197
00:57:04,921 --> 00:57:06,332
Yeah. For my birthday.
1198
00:57:06,356 --> 00:57:07,722
Come on. Please.
1199
00:57:07,757 --> 00:57:09,268
Come on.
I don't wanna do it.
1200
00:57:09,292 --> 00:57:10,837
Come on. Once.
Dad, don't.
1201
00:57:10,861 --> 00:57:12,928
Huh?
1202
00:57:12,963 --> 00:57:18,233
Hey, I don't expect anyone
to work for free.
1203
00:57:18,268 --> 00:57:20,502
No, no, no.
No, what are you doing? No.
1204
00:57:20,537 --> 00:57:22,014
What?
Sorry. No.
1205
00:57:22,038 --> 00:57:23,816
Put it away. Don't do that.
Put what?
1206
00:57:23,840 --> 00:57:27,309
Sorry.
No. You misunderstand.
1207
00:57:27,344 --> 00:57:29,678
Eddie, I don't mean to
embarrass you.
1208
00:57:29,713 --> 00:57:31,413
I'll tell you what.
Let me do it.
1209
00:57:31,448 --> 00:57:33,348
Let me do you.
I got you down.
1210
00:57:33,383 --> 00:57:34,850
I'll pay you not to.
1211
00:57:34,885 --> 00:57:36,462
That's funny
1212
00:57:36,486 --> 00:57:38,431
but you don't wanna get into
a pissing contest
1213
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,255
with me about money.
1214
00:57:40,290 --> 00:57:42,591
Come on, let's have some fun.
This is me respecting you.
1215
00:57:42,626 --> 00:57:43,959
You're my favorite.
1216
00:57:43,994 --> 00:57:50,131
"Arlene, whose vibrator,
heh, is this?
1217
00:57:50,166 --> 00:57:52,701
"Did you take the batteries out
of the smoke alarm again?"
1218
00:57:55,805 --> 00:57:58,540
Okay. Show's over.
1219
00:57:58,575 --> 00:58:00,141
Thank you.
Sure.
1220
00:58:00,176 --> 00:58:02,143
Cheers. Happy birthday.
1221
00:58:02,178 --> 00:58:05,647
Happy birthday, Mac.
Thank you, Eddie.
1222
00:58:05,682 --> 00:58:08,950
- Jackie.
- Mm.
1223
00:58:08,985 --> 00:58:11,219
How was my timing?
Give me some input.
1224
00:58:11,254 --> 00:58:13,355
Aah! Whoo!
1225
00:58:13,390 --> 00:58:15,034
I thought you were me
for a second.
1226
00:58:15,058 --> 00:58:17,459
Try doing it while drinking
a glass of water.
1227
00:58:22,098 --> 00:58:24,210
- Have a drink.
- God, you were great.
1228
00:58:24,234 --> 00:58:26,178
- You were great.
- Drink some more.
1229
00:58:26,202 --> 00:58:28,202
It'll make it easier. Heh.
1230
00:58:30,507 --> 00:58:32,574
So how did you two meet?
1231
00:58:32,609 --> 00:58:34,910
We do our community
service together
1232
00:58:34,945 --> 00:58:36,389
down at the Apostle Soup
Kitchen.
1233
00:58:36,413 --> 00:58:38,146
Oh. Right.
1234
00:58:38,181 --> 00:58:40,415
You don't have
to worry about that anymore.
1235
00:58:40,450 --> 00:58:42,884
I got them to transfer
your hours to Florida.
1236
00:58:42,919 --> 00:58:44,697
I thought we talked about that.
1237
00:58:44,721 --> 00:58:46,354
Remember?
Uh-huh.
1238
00:58:46,389 --> 00:58:48,568
Because I'm not sure
if I wanna go back.
1239
00:58:48,592 --> 00:58:51,026
But you don't know
where you wanna go.
1240
00:58:51,061 --> 00:58:53,328
She's always been such
a mamzer. Aah!
1241
00:58:53,363 --> 00:58:55,741
I'm at the table.
I'm still sitting here.
1242
00:58:55,765 --> 00:58:58,266
Here at the table.
It's done. I chartered a plane.
1243
00:58:58,301 --> 00:58:59,668
We're leaving tomorrow.
1244
00:58:59,703 --> 00:59:02,571
Noon. Teterboro.
1245
00:59:02,606 --> 00:59:04,039
What's in Florida?
1246
00:59:04,074 --> 00:59:06,741
I own this retirement community
in Delray Beach.
1247
00:59:06,776 --> 00:59:09,544
We help the elderly to live out
their lives with some dignity.
1248
00:59:09,579 --> 00:59:11,924
I'd like to pass through
this dinner with some dignity.
1249
00:59:11,948 --> 00:59:13,848
Shha...
1250
00:59:13,883 --> 00:59:16,718
She's great with the old people.
She's got a magic touch.
1251
00:59:16,753 --> 00:59:20,088
Well, she's a wonderful person.
1252
00:59:20,123 --> 00:59:22,791
It's okay, honey.
When you come back from Florida,
1253
00:59:22,826 --> 00:59:24,103
we'll find our place to live.
1254
00:59:24,127 --> 00:59:25,204
What?
1255
00:59:25,228 --> 00:59:26,628
We're moving in together.
1256
00:59:26,663 --> 00:59:29,398
Is it okay if I call you "Dad"?
1257
00:59:31,768 --> 00:59:34,402
You're a funny man,
but this is my daughter.
1258
00:59:34,437 --> 00:59:36,738
Yeah, I know.
Every daughter has a mother
1259
00:59:36,773 --> 00:59:39,541
every mother has a daughter.
The girl that left before
1260
00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:42,243
probably has a grandmother
or a grandfather.
1261
00:59:42,278 --> 00:59:44,079
Harmony's my daughter.
1262
00:59:44,114 --> 00:59:46,715
She's not the punch line
for somebody's jokes.
1263
00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:48,394
And when you look at my daughter
1264
00:59:48,418 --> 00:59:49,996
and the way she's looking
at you...
1265
00:59:50,020 --> 00:59:51,931
I'm not.
What are you talking about?
1266
00:59:51,955 --> 00:59:53,788
I wanna know your expectations.
1267
00:59:53,823 --> 00:59:55,957
My expectations?
Expectations.
1268
00:59:55,992 --> 00:59:57,959
Yeah.
1269
00:59:57,994 --> 01:00:00,529
To fuck her brains out.
After that, we'll see.
1270
01:00:07,704 --> 01:00:08,704
Mm.
1271
01:00:11,374 --> 01:00:12,807
You know,
1272
01:00:12,842 --> 01:00:14,743
I'm a sucker for an honest man.
1273
01:00:14,778 --> 01:00:16,922
And I'm a sucker for a girl
that has daddy issues.
1274
01:00:16,946 --> 01:00:19,981
Okay.
So you go to the bar,
1275
01:00:20,016 --> 01:00:21,494
and I'll meet you there
in a minute.
1276
01:00:21,518 --> 01:00:22,995
Sure. It's been
a terrific crowd.
1277
01:00:23,019 --> 01:00:24,419
Nice to meet you, Pops.
1278
01:00:24,454 --> 01:00:25,988
Happy birthday.
1279
01:00:28,491 --> 01:00:31,292
Don't tell me you're
interested in that schmuck.
1280
01:00:31,327 --> 01:00:34,295
Okay. If you had
listened at all
1281
01:00:34,330 --> 01:00:36,142
and shut your mouth
for one second,
1282
01:00:36,166 --> 01:00:38,833
you would know that I wasn't
interested in him at all.
1283
01:00:38,868 --> 01:00:40,635
Oh.
But you don't ever shut up.
1284
01:00:40,670 --> 01:00:42,815
You don't ever shut up.
You're unbelievable.
1285
01:00:42,839 --> 01:00:45,206
Where are you going?
Unbelievable. I'm leaving.
1286
01:00:45,241 --> 01:00:46,719
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
1287
01:00:46,743 --> 01:00:48,521
He's an asshole. Let him go.
You are.
1288
01:00:48,545 --> 01:00:49,978
I'll take care of him.
1289
01:00:50,013 --> 01:00:52,447
You're not gonna
take care of him. No.
1290
01:00:52,482 --> 01:00:54,015
You're being the asshole.
1291
01:00:54,050 --> 01:00:56,495
Don't embarrass me like
that in front of people.
1292
01:00:56,519 --> 01:00:58,330
That's humiliating.
I humiliated you?
1293
01:00:58,354 --> 01:00:59,788
That was humiliating.
1294
01:00:59,823 --> 01:01:01,834
Don't talk about me like
that in front of people.
1295
01:01:01,858 --> 01:01:04,325
- Where's your self-respect?
- I have self-respect.
1296
01:01:04,360 --> 01:01:07,028
I am not doing this in
a restaurant with you.
1297
01:01:07,063 --> 01:01:08,641
Go.
I'll see you at Teterboro.
1298
01:01:08,665 --> 01:01:10,599
Happy birthday.
1299
01:01:11,935 --> 01:01:15,370
Ah, come on.
I need about 10 drinks.
1300
01:01:24,914 --> 01:01:26,192
Arlene.
1301
01:01:27,550 --> 01:01:29,184
Arlene.
1302
01:01:29,219 --> 01:01:30,896
- That was good.
- Was that good?
1303
01:01:30,920 --> 01:01:32,765
That was good. Very good.
1304
01:01:32,789 --> 01:01:35,924
You should've seen the look
on your face when Mac said,
1305
01:01:35,959 --> 01:01:37,659
"Arlene... Arl..."
1306
01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:38,893
Wait. Wait.
1307
01:01:38,928 --> 01:01:40,895
- Uh, wait. What?
- Arlene.
1308
01:01:42,899 --> 01:01:44,899
Welcome.
1309
01:01:44,934 --> 01:01:48,036
Wow. This is nice.
1310
01:01:48,071 --> 01:01:50,538
If you don't get murdered on
the street before you get in.
1311
01:01:50,573 --> 01:01:53,575
Heh, they're artists.
Not murderers.
1312
01:01:53,610 --> 01:01:55,577
You want some bourbon?
Sure. Sure.
1313
01:01:55,612 --> 01:01:57,289
I think these artists got guns.
1314
01:01:57,313 --> 01:01:58,947
Heh.
Sure you wanna leave?
1315
01:01:58,982 --> 01:02:01,082
I have to.
I'm on parole.
1316
01:02:01,117 --> 01:02:03,518
I can't fight my dad
and his expensive lawyer.
1317
01:02:03,553 --> 01:02:05,220
I don't have that kind of money.
1318
01:02:05,255 --> 01:02:06,921
I'm moving to
the Sunshine State.
1319
01:02:06,956 --> 01:02:08,901
You want some?
Make it a double.
1320
01:02:08,925 --> 01:02:12,193
I'm gonna be up all night
packing all this stuff.
1321
01:02:12,228 --> 01:02:15,296
Why pack now?
Relax. Here.
1322
01:02:15,331 --> 01:02:17,165
Cheers.
1323
01:02:21,571 --> 01:02:23,571
I mean, I think Florida
will be good.
1324
01:02:23,606 --> 01:02:26,107
I love working
with the elderly people.
1325
01:02:26,142 --> 01:02:28,276
They like me,
and I'm good at it.
1326
01:02:28,311 --> 01:02:31,079
And it seems like Florida
has a lot to offer.
1327
01:02:31,114 --> 01:02:33,715
Yeah. Like what?
Besides skin cancer.
1328
01:02:35,785 --> 01:02:38,119
You know what I loved?
1329
01:02:38,154 --> 01:02:41,589
I loved that you pissed off
Mac tonight. That was great.
1330
01:02:41,624 --> 01:02:44,325
He's a difficult person.
I can see that. I mean...
1331
01:02:44,360 --> 01:02:47,095
But you gotta tell him back.
You gotta talk back to him.
1332
01:02:47,130 --> 01:02:48,963
Talk back to him?
Yeah. Talk back.
1333
01:02:48,998 --> 01:02:50,409
And say?
You gotta say:
1334
01:02:50,433 --> 01:02:51,844
"Dad, don't talk to me that way.
1335
01:02:51,868 --> 01:02:54,180
"Stop this.
Stop being crazy."
1336
01:02:54,204 --> 01:02:56,271
Yeah. Right.
He'll listen
1337
01:02:56,306 --> 01:02:57,850
and respect you.
No, he won't.
1338
01:02:57,874 --> 01:03:00,019
He might be upset,
but he'll respect you.
1339
01:03:00,043 --> 01:03:03,311
Can you imagine?
Yeah. He's a good listener.
1340
01:03:03,346 --> 01:03:05,580
And your mother?
1341
01:03:05,615 --> 01:03:07,982
My mother, she...
My mother...
1342
01:03:08,017 --> 01:03:09,851
Ahem, this is a true story.
1343
01:03:09,886 --> 01:03:15,023
My mother, when I was 4,
went to the market
1344
01:03:15,058 --> 01:03:17,358
and then she never came home.
1345
01:03:17,393 --> 01:03:20,261
Really, she never came home?
Never came home.
1346
01:03:20,296 --> 01:03:24,632
And Mac never explained
what happened.
1347
01:03:24,667 --> 01:03:27,969
I don't...
Why would she do that?
1348
01:03:28,004 --> 01:03:29,971
You were 4 years old.
1349
01:03:30,006 --> 01:03:31,717
And, you know,
it wasn't your fault.
1350
01:03:31,741 --> 01:03:33,107
Yeah.
1351
01:03:33,142 --> 01:03:34,687
Well, she was married
to your father.
1352
01:03:34,711 --> 01:03:36,555
I met the guy for
15, 20 minutes,
1353
01:03:36,579 --> 01:03:38,379
and I wanted to leave.
1354
01:03:38,414 --> 01:03:40,648
You think that's why
she didn't come back?
1355
01:03:40,683 --> 01:03:42,294
Well, I know that's why.
Heh, maybe.
1356
01:03:42,318 --> 01:03:43,829
I mean, your father's a prick,
1357
01:03:43,853 --> 01:03:46,888
but at the same time,
your father's there.
1358
01:03:46,923 --> 01:03:48,556
You know, I...
1359
01:03:48,591 --> 01:03:50,058
In...
1360
01:03:51,928 --> 01:03:56,664
When I was a lot younger, I was
1361
01:03:56,699 --> 01:03:59,567
not around a lot,
and I wasn't there for my son.
1362
01:03:59,602 --> 01:04:02,170
You had a son?
Yeah.
1363
01:04:02,205 --> 01:04:06,675
Well, I had one son,
and he died. He passed away.
1364
01:04:08,678 --> 01:04:11,079
Hmm, I'm sorry.
1365
01:04:11,114 --> 01:04:12,747
Yeah.
1366
01:04:12,782 --> 01:04:14,783
Ah, it was an overdose.
1367
01:04:16,352 --> 01:04:18,097
His mother and I
weren't there for him.
1368
01:04:18,121 --> 01:04:20,855
It was a toxic relationship.
I was always on the road.
1369
01:04:20,890 --> 01:04:22,568
Probably avoiding
the whole situation.
1370
01:04:22,592 --> 01:04:24,370
I was young.
I was stupid.
1371
01:04:24,394 --> 01:04:26,995
I can't give an excuse.
I have no reason to say anything
1372
01:04:27,030 --> 01:04:28,496
except that I was wrong.
1373
01:04:28,531 --> 01:04:30,342
And I didn't accept
the responsibility.
1374
01:04:30,366 --> 01:04:31,944
I didn't do
what I should've done.
1375
01:04:31,968 --> 01:04:34,535
You know? And what do I do?
I make jokes about it.
1376
01:04:34,570 --> 01:04:36,882
I'm a comedian.
I make a joke about
1377
01:04:36,906 --> 01:04:39,118
horrible "mother-wife"
jokes.
1378
01:04:39,142 --> 01:04:40,742
How do you...?
What do you mean?
1379
01:04:40,777 --> 01:04:42,554
Well, I tell
these fucking jokes.
1380
01:04:42,578 --> 01:04:45,713
You know, these horrible
my-wife-is-a-bitch jokes.
1381
01:04:45,748 --> 01:04:47,359
What's a horrible
mother and wife?
1382
01:04:47,383 --> 01:04:48,750
No. I don't wanna do it.
1383
01:04:48,785 --> 01:04:52,020
Why not? Why not? Come on.
1384
01:04:52,055 --> 01:04:56,057
Wait. What? Tell me. Here.
Come on. Okay. Stand up.
1385
01:04:57,560 --> 01:05:00,061
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jackie Burke.
1386
01:05:00,096 --> 01:05:02,230
Okay. Go.
Okay.
1387
01:05:02,265 --> 01:05:03,898
Okay. What do you
want me to do?
1388
01:05:03,933 --> 01:05:05,266
What do you wanna do?
1389
01:05:05,301 --> 01:05:07,368
You know what I wanna do.
Heh.
1390
01:05:07,403 --> 01:05:09,771
So, what do I have to do
to get what I wanna do?
1391
01:05:09,806 --> 01:05:11,617
I don't know.
1392
01:05:11,641 --> 01:05:13,152
It depends how funny you are.
1393
01:05:13,176 --> 01:05:15,743
Ladies and gentlemen,
1394
01:05:15,778 --> 01:05:17,623
did you hear about
the daddy's girl
1395
01:05:17,647 --> 01:05:20,415
who had sex with
a 67-year-old comedian?
1396
01:05:21,851 --> 01:05:24,585
Are you only 67?
I thought you were 70.
1397
01:05:24,620 --> 01:05:26,421
No. No,
but I do wear a diaper.
1398
01:05:26,456 --> 01:05:29,924
Oh, cute. That's sexy.
Can you help me change it?
1399
01:05:32,028 --> 01:05:33,528
Hmm.
1400
01:05:35,765 --> 01:05:37,799
Come sit down.
1401
01:05:37,834 --> 01:05:39,634
Come here.
1402
01:05:41,304 --> 01:05:44,138
I got out of that one.
Ha-ha.
1403
01:05:44,173 --> 01:05:47,175
This is not what I wanna
be doing. Stand-up tonight.
1404
01:05:47,210 --> 01:05:48,943
You're really good.
1405
01:05:48,978 --> 01:05:52,013
You're really funny,
and you're really cute.
1406
01:05:52,048 --> 01:05:55,683
This is just something
I wanna do. Okay?
1407
01:05:55,718 --> 01:05:57,285
It doesn't mean anything.
1408
01:05:57,320 --> 01:05:59,988
It doesn't? Oh.
1409
01:06:00,023 --> 01:06:02,924
Well, then you have to be gentle
because it's my first time.
1410
01:06:02,959 --> 01:06:04,659
Heh.
1411
01:06:04,694 --> 01:06:06,828
And you're not gonna
spend the night.
1412
01:06:06,863 --> 01:06:08,040
I'm not?
No.
1413
01:06:08,064 --> 01:06:09,675
What am I supposed to do,
1414
01:06:09,699 --> 01:06:12,100
leave my dick here
and pick it up in the morning?
1415
01:07:27,610 --> 01:07:29,244
Chow mein?
1416
01:07:31,747 --> 01:07:32,947
Fuck you.
1417
01:07:32,982 --> 01:07:35,216
"Fuck you."
That's good too.
1418
01:07:40,456 --> 01:07:43,224
Hold it. Thank you.
Good afternoon, Friar Crystal.
1419
01:07:43,259 --> 01:07:44,970
Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
1420
01:07:44,994 --> 01:07:46,572
Jackie. You're out.
Billy.
1421
01:07:46,596 --> 01:07:48,896
I'm out, heh.
Yeah. Good, heh.
1422
01:07:48,931 --> 01:07:52,066
Oh, uh...
1423
01:07:52,101 --> 01:07:54,902
Must've been strange, huh?
1424
01:07:54,937 --> 01:07:57,172
Interesting.
Yeah.
1425
01:07:58,641 --> 01:08:01,275
Maximum security, I'm guessing.
1426
01:08:01,310 --> 01:08:02,944
Yeah.
Really?
1427
01:08:02,979 --> 01:08:04,345
Kind of.
1428
01:08:06,582 --> 01:08:08,083
Roommate?
1429
01:08:09,685 --> 01:08:11,052
Yeah.
1430
01:08:11,087 --> 01:08:12,764
You're blushing.
I found love.
1431
01:08:14,490 --> 01:08:16,557
He's a lucky guy.
1432
01:08:16,592 --> 01:08:19,104
All that rain must be tough
on your ankle bracelet, huh?
1433
01:08:19,128 --> 01:08:20,928
Heh.
I'm just kidding.
1434
01:08:20,963 --> 01:08:22,497
I'm glad you're out.
1435
01:08:22,532 --> 01:08:24,243
I'm glad you're doing okay.
1436
01:08:28,538 --> 01:08:31,105
Take care of yourself. Yeah.
You too.
1437
01:08:31,140 --> 01:08:32,340
Yeah.
Work that jab.
1438
01:08:32,375 --> 01:08:34,509
Yeah. Right, asshole.
Ha-ha.
1439
01:08:37,146 --> 01:08:38,980
What a schmuck.
1440
01:08:47,890 --> 01:08:49,635
Hey, look who's here.
1441
01:08:49,659 --> 01:08:51,425
Hey.
1442
01:08:51,460 --> 01:08:53,995
Hey, look who it is.
It's Jackie boy.
1443
01:08:54,030 --> 01:08:55,374
Jackie.
It's the man.
1444
01:08:55,398 --> 01:08:57,632
Gentlemen.
You still funny?
1445
01:08:57,667 --> 01:08:59,545
No. I'm doing
your jokes now, Dick.
1446
01:08:59,569 --> 01:09:01,280
I heard you're having
a rough time.
1447
01:09:01,304 --> 01:09:02,814
Anything we can do, we're here.
1448
01:09:02,838 --> 01:09:04,616
I appreciate that, D'Angelo.
1449
01:09:04,640 --> 01:09:07,041
Sure, if I need syphilis,
I'll let you know.
1450
01:09:08,477 --> 01:09:09,855
We still holding a grudge?
1451
01:09:09,879 --> 01:09:11,523
No. Are you still
doing my jokes, Dick?
1452
01:09:11,547 --> 01:09:13,281
Only the good bits.
1453
01:09:13,316 --> 01:09:15,850
Good. Because I'm still
doing your ex-wife.
1454
01:09:17,420 --> 01:09:19,787
Some things never change.
1455
01:09:19,822 --> 01:09:23,724
Chivas on the rocks, drop of
water for Mr. Burke, please.
1456
01:09:23,759 --> 01:09:25,893
I thought I fired you.
1457
01:09:25,928 --> 01:09:27,528
I've got a possible gig.
1458
01:09:27,563 --> 01:09:29,474
Great.
What do I have to do,
1459
01:09:29,498 --> 01:09:31,810
dress up as Eddie for
a children's birthday party?
1460
01:09:31,834 --> 01:09:35,469
Do you want a job,
or do you want to be asshole?
1461
01:09:35,504 --> 01:09:37,572
Do I have to choose?
1462
01:09:37,607 --> 01:09:40,741
So I'm the treasurer here.
We had a big meeting last night.
1463
01:09:40,776 --> 01:09:43,844
We're having a tribute
for May Conner February 1st.
1464
01:09:43,879 --> 01:09:45,846
It's gonna be a big event.
TV special.
1465
01:09:45,881 --> 01:09:48,316
Network thinks they're gonna
pull 7 million viewers.
1466
01:09:48,351 --> 01:09:49,917
May Conner.
1467
01:09:49,952 --> 01:09:51,652
Love her.
1468
01:09:51,687 --> 01:09:53,854
So D'Angelo is responsible
for the programming.
1469
01:09:53,889 --> 01:09:55,323
He's calling all the shots.
1470
01:09:55,358 --> 01:09:58,292
And as of right now,
it's overbooked.
1471
01:10:01,364 --> 01:10:04,098
Is Billy doing it?
He's not available.
1472
01:10:04,133 --> 01:10:05,877
We're hoping that changes.
1473
01:10:05,901 --> 01:10:08,247
And if that changes,
it's not overbooked for him.
1474
01:10:08,271 --> 01:10:10,171
No. Billy Crystal
is royalty.
1475
01:10:10,206 --> 01:10:12,373
You are not even a member
anymore, Jackie.
1476
01:10:12,408 --> 01:10:14,542
You can't show up
every once in a while
1477
01:10:14,577 --> 01:10:15,876
and expect to be on the dais.
1478
01:10:15,911 --> 01:10:19,180
Okay?
You have got to rejoin.
1479
01:10:19,215 --> 01:10:21,549
Kiss the ring, please.
Just this once.
1480
01:10:24,120 --> 01:10:26,687
What a fucking shit
world this is.
1481
01:10:26,722 --> 01:10:29,423
Hey, Dick, do you have a minute?
1482
01:10:29,458 --> 01:10:32,393
Okay. Okay.
1483
01:10:32,428 --> 01:10:34,539
Listen, I want a good spot
on the rotation.
1484
01:10:34,563 --> 01:10:35,907
I don't wanna go after him.
1485
01:10:35,931 --> 01:10:37,943
This fuck will steal
every joke I have.
1486
01:10:37,967 --> 01:10:39,901
You want a spot
on May's tribute?
1487
01:10:41,003 --> 01:10:42,370
Yeah. Miller mentioned it.
1488
01:10:42,405 --> 01:10:44,439
Actually,
I'd be honored to do it.
1489
01:10:46,642 --> 01:10:48,810
She's a barely-living legend.
1490
01:10:50,346 --> 01:10:52,313
Funny. Well, I'm not
saying for sure
1491
01:10:52,348 --> 01:10:56,651
it's overbooked now,
but, uh, anything is possible.
1492
01:10:59,689 --> 01:11:02,323
Pretty please, Dick?
1493
01:11:02,358 --> 01:11:04,436
Miller told me you're
thinking about rejoining.
1494
01:11:04,460 --> 01:11:06,727
If you did,
that would go a long way,
1495
01:11:06,762 --> 01:11:09,597
but since I'm also head of
the membership committee,
1496
01:11:09,632 --> 01:11:12,233
I need to ask you
a serious question.
1497
01:11:12,268 --> 01:11:14,769
Is your parole officer
joining the club with you?
1498
01:11:14,804 --> 01:11:18,105
Because I can get you
a couple's membership.
1499
01:11:18,140 --> 01:11:19,473
Funny.
1500
01:11:23,479 --> 01:11:26,147
You did good. That wasn't
so bad now, was it?
1501
01:11:26,182 --> 01:11:28,749
I need a power wash.
1502
01:11:54,009 --> 01:11:56,688
Hi, it's Harmony.
Leave a message.
1503
01:11:56,712 --> 01:11:59,280
Hey, Harmony,
how are you? It's me.
1504
01:11:59,315 --> 01:12:01,649
Everything okay?
I haven't heard from you.
1505
01:12:01,684 --> 01:12:03,884
The boys at the mission
are asking about you.
1506
01:12:03,919 --> 01:12:07,488
Tell Mac I said, "Arlene".
1507
01:12:07,523 --> 01:12:09,490
Okay. Get back to me.
1508
01:12:17,400 --> 01:12:20,011
Ms. Conner, how many
husbands did you really have?
1509
01:12:20,035 --> 01:12:21,713
Husbands? I can't remember.
1510
01:12:21,737 --> 01:12:23,871
Were there five of them
or seven?
1511
01:12:23,906 --> 01:12:28,409
Okay, everybody, we're
gonna take five. Thank you.
1512
01:12:28,444 --> 01:12:31,579
Can we take a break with
the pictures? I need a martini.
1513
01:12:31,614 --> 01:12:34,548
May. Jackie Burke.
1514
01:12:35,851 --> 01:12:38,386
- Hey, kid.
- How you doing?
1515
01:12:38,421 --> 01:12:41,355
What an honor it is to be
ripping you a new one
1516
01:12:41,390 --> 01:12:43,758
in the name of such
a worthy cause.
1517
01:12:46,061 --> 01:12:49,096
You mind if I smoke?
I don't care if you burn.
1518
01:12:49,131 --> 01:12:51,209
I always loved that line.
1519
01:12:51,233 --> 01:12:53,834
I loved Gleason.
Oh, Gleason loved me.
1520
01:12:53,869 --> 01:12:55,403
He loved my tits.
1521
01:12:55,438 --> 01:12:57,605
Oh. We all loved
your tits.
1522
01:12:57,640 --> 01:13:00,541
May, I don't think
you can smoke inside.
1523
01:13:00,576 --> 01:13:04,044
I'm 95. If I wanna smoke
or piss on the sidewalk
1524
01:13:04,079 --> 01:13:07,214
or say the N word,
I'm fucking gonna do it.
1525
01:13:07,249 --> 01:13:09,283
Yeah.
The world today,
1526
01:13:09,318 --> 01:13:12,119
so goddamn serious
about everything.
1527
01:13:12,154 --> 01:13:13,854
Exactly. Exactly.
1528
01:13:13,889 --> 01:13:16,290
I'm going to the bar. Okay?
What do you want?
1529
01:13:16,325 --> 01:13:18,103
Martini, one olive, like always?
1530
01:13:18,127 --> 01:13:20,761
God bless you.
1531
01:13:20,796 --> 01:13:22,563
Okay.
1532
01:13:24,600 --> 01:13:26,567
Who was that?
1533
01:13:26,602 --> 01:13:29,080
All right, everyone. Let's
salute our honored guest.
1534
01:13:41,617 --> 01:13:43,584
May? May, listen to me,
okay?
1535
01:13:43,619 --> 01:13:45,219
Uh, I'm your friend.
Okay?
1536
01:13:45,254 --> 01:13:47,788
It's over.
You're finished. Finito.
1537
01:13:47,823 --> 01:13:50,057
Your movies are on
the History channel.
1538
01:13:50,092 --> 01:13:52,092
And your movies?
1539
01:13:52,127 --> 01:13:54,562
What movies?
You aren't in any movies.
1540
01:13:56,131 --> 01:13:57,442
You tell him, May!
1541
01:13:57,466 --> 01:13:59,400
All joking aside...
1542
01:13:59,435 --> 01:14:00,512
Oh, what jokes?
1543
01:14:02,304 --> 01:14:04,449
She told you, Dick.
Hey, go get them, May.
1544
01:14:04,473 --> 01:14:06,585
You, truly, are one of
the greatest talents
1545
01:14:06,609 --> 01:14:08,153
in this business.
What can I say?
1546
01:14:08,177 --> 01:14:10,177
You're a barely-living legend.
1547
01:14:12,481 --> 01:14:14,426
I mean...
I mean, quite honestly,
1548
01:14:14,450 --> 01:14:15,961
I'm amazed you're
still sitting up.
1549
01:14:15,985 --> 01:14:19,186
Okay. That's enough, Dick.
1550
01:14:19,221 --> 01:14:21,789
Wake up, people.
The "whatever-happened-to"
1551
01:14:21,824 --> 01:14:23,691
portion of the evening
is officially over.
1552
01:14:23,726 --> 01:14:25,303
Go back to sleep.
Go to hell.
1553
01:14:25,327 --> 01:14:27,372
Or do you need your parole
officer's permission?
1554
01:14:27,396 --> 01:14:28,596
"Parole officer" this.
1555
01:14:28,631 --> 01:14:30,108
Come on,
get the fuck out of here.
1556
01:14:31,901 --> 01:14:33,712
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome back
1557
01:14:33,736 --> 01:14:35,870
to the Friars Club,
Jackie Burke,
1558
01:14:35,905 --> 01:14:37,605
also known as Eddie,
1559
01:14:37,640 --> 01:14:40,374
also known as prisoner
9-4-2-8-2-8.
1560
01:14:41,844 --> 01:14:43,444
Jailbird!
1561
01:14:43,479 --> 01:14:47,448
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I did a little time.
1562
01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:50,150
But my 30 days is nothing
compared to the hard time
1563
01:14:50,185 --> 01:14:53,053
you just served listening
to this guy, D'Angelo.
1564
01:14:53,088 --> 01:14:55,222
Give him a hand.
1565
01:14:55,257 --> 01:14:57,157
Now let's get to the main event.
1566
01:14:57,192 --> 01:14:59,660
Looking great, May!
May...
1567
01:14:59,695 --> 01:15:03,564
Yeah, May.
Oh, May.
1568
01:15:03,599 --> 01:15:06,700
We've heard a lot about your
many accomplishments tonight
1569
01:15:06,735 --> 01:15:08,380
but no one's really talked about
1570
01:15:08,404 --> 01:15:10,382
how tough it was for you
starting out.
1571
01:15:10,406 --> 01:15:11,839
It was tough.
1572
01:15:11,874 --> 01:15:13,752
It was tough.
You tell me about it.
1573
01:15:13,776 --> 01:15:15,075
I know how tough it was.
1574
01:15:15,110 --> 01:15:17,478
- Tell me about it.
- All right.
1575
01:15:17,513 --> 01:15:19,847
Today, you can get by
just by blowing the director.
1576
01:15:25,621 --> 01:15:29,156
But, God, when I think of
the things that you had to do.
1577
01:15:29,191 --> 01:15:31,692
I did.
But whatever you did worked
1578
01:15:31,727 --> 01:15:34,495
because you played
some of the most iconic
1579
01:15:34,530 --> 01:15:36,207
roles in the history of film.
1580
01:15:36,231 --> 01:15:40,601
And I, Jackie Burke,
was with you all the way.
1581
01:15:40,636 --> 01:15:44,071
♪ All the way ♪
1582
01:15:44,106 --> 01:15:46,073
♪ All the way ♪
1583
01:15:46,108 --> 01:15:50,210
When you played the title role
in The Battleship Potemkin,
1584
01:15:50,245 --> 01:15:54,615
I was one of the sailors
you took on.
1585
01:15:54,650 --> 01:15:59,019
Remember me?
I came in your porthole.
1586
01:16:00,756 --> 01:16:03,190
Then we were reunited.
1587
01:16:03,225 --> 01:16:05,426
Who could ever forget
when we were together
1588
01:16:05,461 --> 01:16:07,461
in the original
Poseidon Adventure?
1589
01:16:07,496 --> 01:16:08,963
You as the Poseidon.
1590
01:16:08,998 --> 01:16:11,265
Me as the cabin boy.
You were the cabin boy.
1591
01:16:11,300 --> 01:16:13,934
You know. You remember.
1592
01:16:13,969 --> 01:16:15,736
Remember my audition?
Yeah.
1593
01:16:18,307 --> 01:16:20,741
Yes, and you got the part.
1594
01:16:22,645 --> 01:16:25,946
And I went down with the ship.
1595
01:16:25,981 --> 01:16:29,049
Yes, May Conner,
you chewed a lot of scenery
1596
01:16:29,084 --> 01:16:30,762
in your time.
I certainly did.
1597
01:16:30,786 --> 01:16:32,152
And swallowed.
1598
01:16:36,692 --> 01:16:41,762
Star,
philanthropist, Oscar winner,
1599
01:16:41,797 --> 01:16:44,331
and record holder for
fucking more young boys
1600
01:16:44,366 --> 01:16:46,567
than the entire Los Angeles
Archdiocese.
1601
01:16:48,504 --> 01:16:50,448
You are really something.
Jackie. Stop.
1602
01:16:50,472 --> 01:16:52,117
It's okay, May.
It's okay.
1603
01:16:52,141 --> 01:16:53,918
Don't worry.
D'Angelo's not coming back.
1604
01:16:53,942 --> 01:16:55,342
He's just touching you now,
1605
01:16:55,377 --> 01:16:56,855
but he's gonna go away.
May?
1606
01:16:56,879 --> 01:16:59,747
Seriously, May?
An orgasm now?
1607
01:17:03,352 --> 01:17:05,096
What's happening?
1608
01:17:05,120 --> 01:17:06,965
- Oh, my God.
- Is she all right?
1609
01:17:06,989 --> 01:17:10,924
May, you okay?
1610
01:17:10,959 --> 01:17:13,127
- Give her some water.
- No, no, no.
1611
01:17:13,162 --> 01:17:14,628
Get a doctor.
1612
01:17:14,663 --> 01:17:16,107
May...
1613
01:17:16,131 --> 01:17:17,876
Somebody do something.
1614
01:17:17,900 --> 01:17:19,867
I'm not sure if this is...
1615
01:17:19,902 --> 01:17:23,470
Is there a doctor in the house?
Seriously. We need a doctor.
1616
01:17:23,505 --> 01:17:25,205
Come up here immediately.
1617
01:17:25,240 --> 01:17:28,609
- Don't block these aisles.
- Call a medic!
1618
01:17:28,644 --> 01:17:30,711
Stay in your places.
1619
01:17:30,746 --> 01:17:33,781
Somebody...
Get her back. Get her back.
1620
01:17:33,816 --> 01:17:36,183
Somebody, aspirin.
Get some aspirin.
1621
01:17:36,218 --> 01:17:37,495
Get the defibrillator!
1622
01:17:37,519 --> 01:17:38,697
Wow, you killed.
1623
01:17:38,721 --> 01:17:41,121
Should someone call 911?
1624
01:17:41,156 --> 01:17:43,123
I didn't get to my best stuff.
1625
01:17:45,027 --> 01:17:48,328
Three-time Oscar winner
and six-time Emmy winner,
1626
01:17:48,363 --> 01:17:50,675
May Conner, suffered
a fatal heart attack
1627
01:17:50,699 --> 01:17:54,168
on stage at 11:00 tonight
at the Edison Ballroom.
1628
01:17:54,203 --> 01:17:57,037
The 95-year-old Conner
was taken by ambulance
1629
01:17:57,072 --> 01:17:58,639
to Mt. Sinai Hospital
1630
01:17:58,674 --> 01:18:01,052
where she was pronounced
dead on arrival.
1631
01:18:01,076 --> 01:18:03,021
The legendary
actress-comedienne
1632
01:18:03,045 --> 01:18:05,879
was the honoree at tonight's
Friars Club Tribute.
1633
01:18:05,914 --> 01:18:08,749
New York One's Jaime Puckett
was there and spoke afterward
1634
01:18:08,784 --> 01:18:11,418
with Friars Abbot Dick D'Angelo.
1635
01:18:11,453 --> 01:18:14,455
We lost a great one
tonight. I'm, uh,
1636
01:18:16,725 --> 01:18:19,093
devastated.
1637
01:18:19,128 --> 01:18:20,672
May and I were more than just...
1638
01:18:20,696 --> 01:18:22,574
Fans all over the world
will be mourning.
1639
01:18:22,598 --> 01:18:25,566
She was, truly,
America's Queen of Comedy.
1640
01:18:25,601 --> 01:18:27,201
Family members requested
1641
01:18:27,236 --> 01:18:29,870
that the Friars
cancel the broadcast
1642
01:18:29,905 --> 01:18:31,349
and, of course, we agreed.
1643
01:18:54,930 --> 01:18:57,931
So nothing in New York.
Nothing in the tristate area.
1644
01:18:57,966 --> 01:19:00,100
We have three offers
for appearances.
1645
01:19:00,135 --> 01:19:02,569
In Wisconsin
is a Democratic fundraiser.
1646
01:19:02,604 --> 01:19:04,415
Wisconsin in February?
Next.
1647
01:19:04,439 --> 01:19:08,142
Then a three-day master-comedy
class seminar at SOAS College.
1648
01:19:08,177 --> 01:19:10,321
What's SOAS College?
It's in London.
1649
01:19:10,345 --> 01:19:13,313
The last one you're not gonna
like but it pays the most.
1650
01:19:13,348 --> 01:19:15,493
It's a television-classics
autograph convention
1651
01:19:15,517 --> 01:19:17,128
in West Palm Beach doing Eddie.
1652
01:19:17,152 --> 01:19:18,830
What are the Democrats paying?
1653
01:19:18,854 --> 01:19:20,398
Three thousand, plus expenses.
1654
01:19:20,422 --> 01:19:22,433
The Republicans would pay
a lot more,
1655
01:19:22,457 --> 01:19:24,002
but who wants to do it for them?
1656
01:19:24,026 --> 01:19:25,459
So, what about London?
1657
01:19:25,494 --> 01:19:27,305
Five thousand,
but you pay for your ticket.
1658
01:19:27,329 --> 01:19:28,629
What about Florida?
1659
01:19:28,664 --> 01:19:30,308
Twenty-five thousand,
plus expenses.
1660
01:19:30,332 --> 01:19:32,333
I gotta take that.
1661
01:19:33,769 --> 01:19:36,570
Yeah.
For you.
1662
01:19:36,605 --> 01:19:38,149
Hey, here's your number seven.
1663
01:19:38,173 --> 01:19:39,606
Hold the Russian dressing.
1664
01:19:39,641 --> 01:19:41,186
What are you doing after work?
1665
01:19:41,210 --> 01:19:43,510
She deserted you?
No, she's gonna come back.
1666
01:19:43,545 --> 01:19:44,756
Cool it, Casanova.
1667
01:19:44,780 --> 01:19:46,814
Mrs. Berkowitz...
1668
01:19:46,849 --> 01:19:49,082
- Excuse me?
- I'll get the number seven.
1669
01:19:49,117 --> 01:19:51,251
You got 30 days, I got life.
1670
01:19:51,286 --> 01:19:52,686
Does she know?
1671
01:19:52,721 --> 01:19:54,032
About the money?
Yes.
1672
01:19:54,056 --> 01:19:55,767
Gonna take a while
to pay you back.
1673
01:19:55,791 --> 01:19:57,758
No. She knows,
and we both agree,
1674
01:19:57,793 --> 01:19:59,504
we don't want you
to pay us back.
1675
01:19:59,528 --> 01:20:01,506
What does that mean?
You can't...
1676
01:20:01,530 --> 01:20:03,797
What it means is I don't
have to do this anymore.
1677
01:20:03,832 --> 01:20:05,866
You understand?
I'm through with this.
1678
01:20:05,901 --> 01:20:07,367
I'm done with this.
1679
01:20:07,402 --> 01:20:09,369
You don't come back anymore
1680
01:20:09,404 --> 01:20:11,705
and ask for anything ever again.
1681
01:20:11,740 --> 01:20:14,208
What are you so mad about?
I'm not mad.
1682
01:20:14,243 --> 01:20:17,611
But people don't change.
People never change.
1683
01:20:17,646 --> 01:20:20,347
They are what they are,
and that's that.
1684
01:20:20,382 --> 01:20:22,950
What is this?
1685
01:20:22,985 --> 01:20:26,854
You see how it is with her?
Like, you've become a thing.
1686
01:20:26,889 --> 01:20:28,388
Oh, I'm a thing now?
1687
01:20:28,423 --> 01:20:29,834
You're a thing, I can't take it,
1688
01:20:29,858 --> 01:20:31,058
I can't do it anymore.
1689
01:20:31,093 --> 01:20:32,737
I can't take the aggravation.
1690
01:20:32,761 --> 01:20:34,973
I don't know what to say.
1691
01:20:34,997 --> 01:20:36,474
I'm so fucking aggravated.
1692
01:20:36,498 --> 01:20:38,343
I'm trying to get
something going here.
1693
01:20:38,367 --> 01:20:41,401
By the way, I thought you killed
at the wedding. You killed.
1694
01:20:41,436 --> 01:20:44,037
You smashed. You knocked it
out of the park.
1695
01:20:44,072 --> 01:20:46,740
It was... I had fun doing it.
Brittany loved it.
1696
01:20:46,775 --> 01:20:48,208
She was never happier.
1697
01:20:48,243 --> 01:20:49,821
Oh, good.
Well, that's good.
1698
01:20:49,845 --> 01:20:51,890
That's what it's all
about, for her?
1699
01:20:51,914 --> 01:20:54,314
If you're ever playing
anywhere, you let me know.
1700
01:20:54,349 --> 01:20:57,084
I'll come, we'll have a beer.
Okay. That, I appreciate.
1701
01:20:57,119 --> 01:20:59,086
Okay?
Yeah.
1702
01:20:59,121 --> 01:21:00,687
See you.
1703
01:21:00,722 --> 01:21:03,724
I'll call you tomorrow.
1704
01:21:03,759 --> 01:21:05,325
Okay.
1705
01:21:05,360 --> 01:21:06,727
So, what's it gonna be?
1706
01:21:06,762 --> 01:21:08,896
Wisconsin, London or Florida?
1707
01:21:52,074 --> 01:21:53,918
Wow, what a beautiful audience.
1708
01:21:53,942 --> 01:21:56,643
I wanna say before we start,
I've been looking forward
1709
01:21:56,678 --> 01:21:59,413
to this performance
more than any other
1710
01:21:59,448 --> 01:22:03,583
because being here with you
makes me feel alive.
1711
01:22:03,618 --> 01:22:05,953
♪ Somebody hold me
Too close ♪
1712
01:22:05,988 --> 01:22:07,732
Sing along
if you know the words.
1713
01:22:07,756 --> 01:22:10,457
♪ Somebody hurt me
Too deep ♪
1714
01:22:10,492 --> 01:22:12,626
♪ Somebody sit in my chair ♪
1715
01:22:12,661 --> 01:22:14,328
Chair, heh.
1716
01:22:14,363 --> 01:22:18,465
♪ And put me to sleep
And make me aware ♪
1717
01:22:18,500 --> 01:22:22,102
♪ Of being alive ♪
1718
01:22:22,137 --> 01:22:26,440
♪ Being alive ♪
1719
01:22:26,475 --> 01:22:30,644
♪ Somebody need me too much ♪
1720
01:22:30,679 --> 01:22:33,981
♪ Somebody know me too well ♪
1721
01:22:34,016 --> 01:22:36,750
♪ Somebody pull me up short ♪
1722
01:22:36,785 --> 01:22:40,454
♪ And put me through hell
And give me support ♪
1723
01:22:40,489 --> 01:22:44,791
♪ For being alive ♪
1724
01:22:44,826 --> 01:22:47,961
♪ Make me alive ♪
1725
01:22:47,996 --> 01:22:50,764
♪ Make me confused ♪
1726
01:22:50,799 --> 01:22:52,699
What is that?
1727
01:22:52,734 --> 01:22:54,434
Look who's here.
1728
01:22:54,469 --> 01:22:56,103
The laugh-a-minute.
1729
01:22:56,138 --> 01:22:57,838
What the fuck
are you doing here?
1730
01:22:57,873 --> 01:23:00,707
I just came by to say hello.
1731
01:23:00,742 --> 01:23:03,377
Passing through.
Oh, could you say goodbye?
1732
01:23:05,347 --> 01:23:08,515
Ah, just calm down.
It's okay. I'm just visiting.
1733
01:23:08,550 --> 01:23:10,717
Don't let the door hit you
in the ass on the way out.
1734
01:23:10,752 --> 01:23:13,987
Eddie. Is that you?
1735
01:23:14,022 --> 01:23:17,157
Aren't you Eddie
from Eddie's Home?
1736
01:23:17,192 --> 01:23:19,726
I'm such a fan of yours.
1737
01:23:19,761 --> 01:23:22,763
No. No. It's okay.
Oh, I love it. I just love you.
1738
01:23:24,232 --> 01:23:28,301
♪ Alive ♪
1739
01:23:29,738 --> 01:23:31,004
Thank you!
1740
01:23:31,039 --> 01:23:32,839
Oh, thank you so much.
1741
01:23:32,874 --> 01:23:35,342
Thank you so, so much.
1742
01:23:35,377 --> 01:23:38,178
- That was sweet.
- Thank you so, so much.
1743
01:23:38,213 --> 01:23:40,747
- Thank you so much. You know...
- It's nice.
1744
01:23:40,782 --> 01:23:43,483
It isn't often enough
that we take the time
1745
01:23:43,518 --> 01:23:47,354
to hear the stories and listen
to the wisdom of our elders.
1746
01:23:47,389 --> 01:23:48,866
So I wanna come down
and get to know
1747
01:23:48,890 --> 01:23:50,323
some of you wonderful people.
1748
01:23:50,358 --> 01:23:51,769
Let's start with you,
young lady.
1749
01:23:51,793 --> 01:23:53,571
What's your name?
Adele.
1750
01:23:53,595 --> 01:23:56,530
Hello, Adele. Tell us
a little about yourself.
1751
01:23:56,565 --> 01:24:00,600
Uh, I was a gym teacher
for 42 years.
1752
01:24:00,635 --> 01:24:02,780
- Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
- Gym teacher.
1753
01:24:02,804 --> 01:24:05,372
- I'm gonna tell everybody.
- You look terrific.
1754
01:24:05,407 --> 01:24:06,873
See him? Eddie.
1755
01:24:06,908 --> 01:24:09,009
Why are you here?
What do you mean?
1756
01:24:09,044 --> 01:24:10,410
What are you doing here?
1757
01:24:10,445 --> 01:24:11,889
I'm here.
I just told your father.
1758
01:24:11,913 --> 01:24:13,524
What, is Alzheimer's contagious?
1759
01:24:13,548 --> 01:24:15,715
Your punch lines
for us are over.
1760
01:24:15,750 --> 01:24:17,451
Can you give us a sec?
1761
01:24:17,486 --> 01:24:19,764
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so, so much.
1762
01:24:19,788 --> 01:24:22,389
Let's go over here.
What's your name, miss?
1763
01:24:22,424 --> 01:24:24,535
- Look. Look who's there.
- I am Miriam.
1764
01:24:24,559 --> 01:24:27,027
Huh? Heh.
Eddie.
1765
01:24:27,062 --> 01:24:29,796
Well, I was a dancer.
1766
01:24:29,831 --> 01:24:31,598
I was on Broadway once.
1767
01:24:31,633 --> 01:24:33,733
Eddie.
Heh, Broadway star.
1768
01:24:33,768 --> 01:24:35,602
What's new, Esther?
1769
01:24:35,637 --> 01:24:37,582
I can't believe Eddie's here.
1770
01:24:37,606 --> 01:24:39,083
Can I have your autograph?
1771
01:24:39,107 --> 01:24:41,252
Why did you show up
without calling?
1772
01:24:41,276 --> 01:24:43,210
Well, I didn't.
I called you before
1773
01:24:43,245 --> 01:24:45,612
and you never answered me.
You never got back to me once.
1774
01:24:45,647 --> 01:24:48,482
I thought I'd come say hello
since I was down here.
1775
01:24:48,517 --> 01:24:50,584
Go out there, big shot.
They want you.
1776
01:24:50,619 --> 01:24:52,763
I'm not fucking going
out there. You go.
1777
01:24:52,787 --> 01:24:55,555
Come on. You're an entertainer.
Give them what they want.
1778
01:24:55,590 --> 01:24:57,457
Come on.
You do it, buddy.
1779
01:24:57,492 --> 01:24:59,459
You go up and do it.
Heh.
1780
01:24:59,494 --> 01:25:01,405
Yeah, but you can't
just show up here.
1781
01:25:01,429 --> 01:25:04,231
I just came here for business.
A convention.
1782
01:25:04,266 --> 01:25:05,999
You had a convention?
1783
01:25:06,034 --> 01:25:08,301
I'm going to a convention.
Ahem, you're just...
1784
01:25:08,336 --> 01:25:10,581
Well, you should've
called and not...
1785
01:25:10,605 --> 01:25:12,973
What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong.
1786
01:25:13,008 --> 01:25:15,475
After I left those messages,
so many messages,
1787
01:25:15,510 --> 01:25:17,155
you didn't call me once.
You...
1788
01:25:17,179 --> 01:25:19,479
I texted you, you didn't
answer the text.
1789
01:25:19,514 --> 01:25:21,359
No. Really,
I've just been so busy.
1790
01:25:21,383 --> 01:25:23,416
Okay. I understand that,
but I'm here now.
1791
01:25:23,451 --> 01:25:26,486
Thought I'd take you to dinner.
How about tomorrow night?
1792
01:25:26,521 --> 01:25:28,989
That's fine. Just call
before you show up like that.
1793
01:25:29,024 --> 01:25:32,259
Okay. Let's have a
hand for Devin O'Connor.
1794
01:25:32,294 --> 01:25:34,427
Thank you.
1795
01:25:34,462 --> 01:25:36,696
Good job, honey.
Great performance.
1796
01:25:36,731 --> 01:25:41,034
Folks, I've got a really
big surprise for you now.
1797
01:25:41,069 --> 01:25:43,370
Just in from New York...
Oh, no.
1798
01:25:43,405 --> 01:25:45,805
Television star...
This guy.
1799
01:25:45,840 --> 01:25:50,177
And personal friend,
Eddie from Eddie's Home.
1800
01:25:52,214 --> 01:25:55,048
That's right.
Eddie from Eddie's Home.
1801
01:25:55,083 --> 01:25:59,352
Don't go out there. No.
This is not your crowd.
1802
01:25:59,387 --> 01:26:00,887
They don't like comedy.
1803
01:26:00,922 --> 01:26:02,567
Let's bring him up here.
1804
01:26:02,591 --> 01:26:06,960
If you want to, you can,
but it's not a good idea.
1805
01:26:06,995 --> 01:26:08,828
Now your father's
my best friend.
1806
01:26:08,863 --> 01:26:11,064
Yes. Can you believe it?
1807
01:26:13,835 --> 01:26:15,913
Thank you. Thank you.
Happy to be here.
1808
01:26:15,937 --> 01:26:19,339
Happy to be here. And I wanna
thank my new best friend,
1809
01:26:19,374 --> 01:26:20,707
Mac Schiltz.
1810
01:26:20,742 --> 01:26:23,910
Only he knows how close
we really are.
1811
01:26:23,945 --> 01:26:26,813
Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer?
1812
01:26:26,848 --> 01:26:29,015
Yeah.
Come sit on my lap.
1813
01:26:29,050 --> 01:26:30,895
I'll spin you around
like a dreidel.
1814
01:26:30,919 --> 01:26:32,519
That was a Jewish joke.
1815
01:26:32,554 --> 01:26:34,921
My mother was a dancer.
1816
01:26:34,956 --> 01:26:36,400
She worked
at a gentleman's club.
1817
01:26:36,424 --> 01:26:38,258
She was a lap dancer.
1818
01:26:38,293 --> 01:26:41,094
You imagine how hard
it was for me to nurse?
1819
01:26:43,298 --> 01:26:46,433
Is that supposed to be funny?
It was supposed to be funny.
1820
01:26:46,468 --> 01:26:48,246
- You didn't like that?
- Well...
1821
01:26:48,270 --> 01:26:51,271
Would you like
me to do it another way?
1822
01:26:51,306 --> 01:26:53,184
Like that?
That's not funny to you?
1823
01:26:53,208 --> 01:26:56,076
What kind of dancer were you?
I was a chorus girl.
1824
01:26:56,111 --> 01:26:57,611
A chorus girl.
1825
01:26:57,646 --> 01:26:59,223
I always wanted to bang
a chorus girl.
1826
01:26:59,247 --> 01:27:00,614
Join the club.
1827
01:27:00,649 --> 01:27:02,682
Oh, good comeback.
1828
01:27:02,717 --> 01:27:05,252
You're a good sport, Miriam.
I like that.
1829
01:27:05,287 --> 01:27:06,964
Let's do a threesome,
me, you and Adele.
1830
01:27:08,957 --> 01:27:11,358
How about that?
She was a gym teacher,
1831
01:27:11,393 --> 01:27:13,693
so she'll do all
the heavy lifting.
1832
01:27:13,728 --> 01:27:16,096
Probably a dyke.
That doesn't matter.
1833
01:27:16,131 --> 01:27:19,566
What's with these guys here?
What's this group?
1834
01:27:19,601 --> 01:27:21,412
You look like a street
gang or something.
1835
01:27:21,436 --> 01:27:22,569
Yeah. That's us.
1836
01:27:22,604 --> 01:27:24,048
What's your name?
Herman.
1837
01:27:24,072 --> 01:27:25,916
Herman.
With a name like that,
1838
01:27:25,940 --> 01:27:28,275
you must have got laid a lot.
1839
01:27:28,310 --> 01:27:30,210
I recognize you.
I remember.
1840
01:27:30,245 --> 01:27:33,413
I see you prowling all
the discos and clubs here.
1841
01:27:33,448 --> 01:27:36,583
There's a lot of them in this
part of the world. Good for you.
1842
01:27:36,618 --> 01:27:39,586
What about your porn?
You guys have a porn collection?
1843
01:27:39,621 --> 01:27:41,232
Who's got the best pussy shots?
1844
01:27:41,256 --> 01:27:42,989
Bernie.
Bernie.
1845
01:27:43,024 --> 01:27:45,492
Yeah.
Now listen, I'm curious.
1846
01:27:45,527 --> 01:27:47,927
Are you a breast man or tit man?
1847
01:27:47,962 --> 01:27:49,996
Leg man? Ass man?
1848
01:27:50,031 --> 01:27:51,642
Whatever else?
Tuchuses.
1849
01:27:51,666 --> 01:27:53,566
Tuchuses?
Yes.
1850
01:27:56,438 --> 01:27:57,438
Have you met Adele,
1851
01:27:57,472 --> 01:27:59,016
the gym teacher?
Oh, yeah.
1852
01:27:59,040 --> 01:28:01,007
I know you two must have
been fucking each other
1853
01:28:01,042 --> 01:28:02,409
for a couple of years.
1854
01:28:02,444 --> 01:28:04,121
She used to be able
to climb up a rope
1855
01:28:04,145 --> 01:28:06,846
with just her ass.
Oh, no.
1856
01:28:06,881 --> 01:28:09,449
Whoa!
Adele, I found a live one.
1857
01:28:09,484 --> 01:28:11,284
No.
1858
01:28:11,319 --> 01:28:13,787
I think he's alive, hold on.
Yeah. He's alive.
1859
01:28:13,822 --> 01:28:15,700
Still ticking.
Where you going?
1860
01:28:15,724 --> 01:28:18,191
Hey, hey, fellow.
Rip Van Winkle.
1861
01:28:18,226 --> 01:28:20,860
My name is Benjamin.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
1862
01:28:20,895 --> 01:28:22,773
Benjamin,
what do you have to do,
1863
01:28:22,797 --> 01:28:23,997
number one or number two?
1864
01:28:27,235 --> 01:28:30,170
Uh-oh. Heh.
1865
01:28:30,205 --> 01:28:33,173
- Number three.
- Oh, heh.
1866
01:28:33,208 --> 01:28:35,208
Number three?
Yeah.
1867
01:28:36,511 --> 01:28:39,913
Wow, Number three.
The big Mac Schiltz special.
1868
01:28:42,751 --> 01:28:45,552
Are you sure? I think you
already did something there.
1869
01:28:45,587 --> 01:28:47,231
You know, I...
1870
01:28:47,255 --> 01:28:49,723
Looks like you did
number six there.
1871
01:28:49,758 --> 01:28:51,502
Jesus, or maybe
it's up to eight.
1872
01:28:54,329 --> 01:28:57,063
Okay. I see you all like
bathroom humor
1873
01:28:57,098 --> 01:28:59,299
which is good because
that's what I like.
1874
01:28:59,334 --> 01:29:01,067
We're all thinking alike.
1875
01:29:01,102 --> 01:29:02,669
Look, I'm gonna do a song,
1876
01:29:02,704 --> 01:29:05,405
and I'm gonna change
the lyrics slightly.
1877
01:29:05,440 --> 01:29:07,852
So I think we'll have a little
fun with that. It's called...
1878
01:29:07,876 --> 01:29:11,177
Well, you've all heard
the song "Makin' Whoopee"?
1879
01:29:11,212 --> 01:29:13,324
So I'm just gonna
change it a little,
1880
01:29:13,348 --> 01:29:19,352
and when I point to you,
you go, "Not making poopie."
1881
01:29:19,387 --> 01:29:20,931
- Can we do that?
- Okay.
1882
01:29:20,955 --> 01:29:23,390
One, two, three.
Let's try it now:
1883
01:29:23,425 --> 01:29:25,825
♪ Not makin' poopie ♪
1884
01:29:25,860 --> 01:29:27,394
Okay. One more time.
1885
01:29:27,429 --> 01:29:29,829
Come on, you guys sound
like you need a little coke
1886
01:29:29,864 --> 01:29:32,932
to get you going.
One more time, one, two, three:
1887
01:29:32,967 --> 01:29:35,668
♪ Not makin' poopie ♪
1888
01:29:35,703 --> 01:29:37,036
Yeah! Okay. Great.
1889
01:29:37,071 --> 01:29:38,838
Here we go.
Here it goes.
1890
01:29:38,873 --> 01:29:41,007
Maestro...
1891
01:29:41,042 --> 01:29:44,110
♪ Another fear ♪
1892
01:29:44,145 --> 01:29:46,546
♪ Another year ♪
1893
01:29:46,581 --> 01:29:48,782
♪ Another enema ♪
1894
01:29:48,817 --> 01:29:51,251
♪ In your rear ♪
1895
01:29:51,286 --> 01:29:53,052
♪ Elimination ♪
1896
01:29:53,087 --> 01:29:55,789
♪ Constipation ♪
1897
01:29:55,824 --> 01:29:57,123
♪ Not makin' ♪
1898
01:29:57,158 --> 01:29:58,625
♪ Poopie ♪
1899
01:29:58,660 --> 01:30:00,293
Yeah.
1900
01:30:00,328 --> 01:30:03,963
♪ Pee pee is fine
Except if it leaks ♪
1901
01:30:03,998 --> 01:30:08,935
♪ What'd you expect
From elderly freaks? ♪
1902
01:30:08,970 --> 01:30:10,570
♪ It's so abusive ♪
1903
01:30:10,605 --> 01:30:13,406
♪ Stools are elusive ♪
1904
01:30:13,441 --> 01:30:14,774
♪ Not makin' ♪
1905
01:30:14,809 --> 01:30:17,911
Whoopee, not "poopie."
1906
01:30:17,946 --> 01:30:19,446
We're doing "poopie" here.
1907
01:30:19,481 --> 01:30:21,548
I am not.
All right.
1908
01:30:23,084 --> 01:30:25,585
Uh-oh.
1909
01:30:25,620 --> 01:30:28,054
We've got a killjoy
in the house.
1910
01:30:28,089 --> 01:30:29,389
Okay.
1911
01:30:29,424 --> 01:30:31,491
♪ You're on the toilet ♪
1912
01:30:31,526 --> 01:30:33,893
♪ From 9 to 5 ♪
1913
01:30:33,928 --> 01:30:38,565
♪ Holy shit
It's good to be alive ♪
1914
01:30:38,600 --> 01:30:40,733
♪ It's all a breeze now ♪
1915
01:30:40,768 --> 01:30:43,636
♪ But please don't sneeze now ♪
1916
01:30:45,707 --> 01:30:48,241
♪ You're making poopie ♪
1917
01:30:48,276 --> 01:30:50,410
Big finish.
1918
01:30:50,445 --> 01:30:55,615
♪ Not being loopy
Better than whoopee ♪
1919
01:30:55,650 --> 01:30:57,150
Everybody now.
1920
01:30:57,185 --> 01:31:01,321
♪ I'm making poopie ♪
1921
01:31:02,991 --> 01:31:06,026
Poopie. Poopie.
1922
01:31:07,629 --> 01:31:11,431
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
1923
01:31:11,466 --> 01:31:14,011
Well, I hope
nobody was offended here.
1924
01:31:14,035 --> 01:31:15,635
It was all in good fun.
1925
01:31:15,670 --> 01:31:17,971
In about 20 years,
we're all gonna be dead,
1926
01:31:18,006 --> 01:31:20,273
so let's celebrate while we can.
1927
01:31:33,254 --> 01:31:34,888
Thanks for coming.
1928
01:31:39,861 --> 01:31:42,962
I feel like I'm looking
at myself in a mirror.
1929
01:31:42,997 --> 01:31:44,998
What's your name?
Ted.
1930
01:31:45,033 --> 01:31:47,044
Are you still friends
with the other actors,
1931
01:31:47,068 --> 01:31:48,468
Arlene and your son?
1932
01:31:48,503 --> 01:31:50,703
No. They all died.
Oh.
1933
01:31:50,738 --> 01:31:53,172
Sorry.
Oh.
1934
01:31:53,207 --> 01:31:54,741
Boy, they were funny.
1935
01:31:54,776 --> 01:31:57,911
Funny. Funny. She was funny.
He was funny.
1936
01:31:57,946 --> 01:31:59,145
Very funny.
1937
01:31:59,180 --> 01:32:01,347
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
1938
01:32:01,382 --> 01:32:04,417
Do you still think the show
is funny after all these years?
1939
01:32:04,452 --> 01:32:09,722
Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes but it
wasn't always about the laughs.
1940
01:32:09,757 --> 01:32:12,559
Um, Eddie could say
the craziest things.
1941
01:32:12,594 --> 01:32:14,572
I think that's what
I liked most.
1942
01:32:14,596 --> 01:32:19,499
Oh. Can I just get one
"Hey, Arlene" for my wife?
1943
01:32:19,534 --> 01:32:21,654
Just one?
Heh, yeah. Sure.
1944
01:32:23,304 --> 01:32:27,073
"Arlene, Eddie's home!
1945
01:32:27,108 --> 01:32:30,376
I'm gonna kill the whole
fucking family!
1946
01:32:30,411 --> 01:32:34,113
Me, you and our little
fruitcake son!"
1947
01:32:34,148 --> 01:32:36,516
Oh, my God.
1948
01:32:36,551 --> 01:32:39,352
How's that?
That's what I'm talking about.
1949
01:32:39,387 --> 01:32:41,065
You liked that?
Thanks for being Eddie.
1950
01:32:41,089 --> 01:32:42,422
Oh!
1951
01:32:57,505 --> 01:32:59,105
Hey.
Hey, you ready?
1952
01:32:59,140 --> 01:33:02,542
Um, ah, I actually don't
feel very good.
1953
01:33:02,577 --> 01:33:05,078
Um, I was thinking about
staying in tonight.
1954
01:33:05,113 --> 01:33:07,914
Okay.
Yeah.
1955
01:33:07,949 --> 01:33:11,251
You all right?
Yeah.
1956
01:33:13,921 --> 01:33:16,389
Can I come in?
1957
01:33:16,424 --> 01:33:18,324
For a minute?
1958
01:33:18,359 --> 01:33:20,293
Sure.
1959
01:33:26,000 --> 01:33:27,634
You look nice.
1960
01:33:27,669 --> 01:33:29,636
Thanks. You too.
1961
01:33:29,671 --> 01:33:32,105
Heh, no, I don't.
1962
01:33:32,140 --> 01:33:34,741
Is everything okay?
Mm-hmm.
1963
01:33:34,776 --> 01:33:37,644
Yeah, because we had...
We had such a good time,
1964
01:33:37,679 --> 01:33:40,680
and now everything
feels a little...
1965
01:33:40,715 --> 01:33:42,515
A little off.
1966
01:33:42,550 --> 01:33:44,951
I mean, do you have a boyfriend
1967
01:33:44,986 --> 01:33:48,321
or somebody you're seeing?
No. Um...
1968
01:33:48,356 --> 01:33:50,423
No.
1969
01:33:50,458 --> 01:33:52,291
No.
1970
01:33:52,326 --> 01:33:53,660
Something that I did?
1971
01:33:53,695 --> 01:33:56,195
No, no, no.
1972
01:33:56,230 --> 01:33:58,798
No?
Ah.
1973
01:34:00,802 --> 01:34:04,137
Well,
1974
01:34:04,172 --> 01:34:07,140
um, I'm pregnant.
1975
01:34:10,244 --> 01:34:13,346
Hmm. You're pregnant.
1976
01:34:18,920 --> 01:34:20,487
Is it, uh...?
1977
01:34:22,390 --> 01:34:25,325
So, uh...? It's me, you mean?
1978
01:34:27,428 --> 01:34:30,963
Yeah, heh. I know.
1979
01:34:30,998 --> 01:34:33,700
You sure?
Yeah.
1980
01:34:33,735 --> 01:34:35,312
I mean, the timing's right,
1981
01:34:35,336 --> 01:34:38,971
and I haven't been with
anyone else, so...
1982
01:34:39,006 --> 01:34:40,640
You haven't been
with anyone else?
1983
01:34:40,675 --> 01:34:42,019
You gotta be honest with me.
1984
01:34:42,043 --> 01:34:44,410
Can you blame me?
I gotta ask you.
1985
01:34:44,445 --> 01:34:46,379
I mean, I have to.
1986
01:34:50,284 --> 01:34:53,853
I've gotta make sure
that it's my child.
1987
01:34:55,189 --> 01:34:57,023
Wow.
1988
01:34:57,058 --> 01:35:00,660
Okay. Um...
1989
01:35:00,695 --> 01:35:03,029
No.
1990
01:35:03,064 --> 01:35:05,098
It's yours.
1991
01:35:12,707 --> 01:35:15,408
Believe me, I'm as surprised
as you are. I'm not...
1992
01:35:15,443 --> 01:35:18,044
No. You're not
as shocked as I am.
1993
01:35:18,079 --> 01:35:20,379
Yeah, I am.
No, you're not.
1994
01:35:20,414 --> 01:35:25,184
Wow. Um...
1995
01:35:25,219 --> 01:35:28,054
You know,
I wasn't gonna do this,
1996
01:35:28,089 --> 01:35:29,933
and I made the appointment
at the clinic
1997
01:35:29,957 --> 01:35:31,769
and I drove myself down there,
1998
01:35:31,793 --> 01:35:35,795
and I couldn't
get out of the car.
1999
01:35:35,830 --> 01:35:39,866
It was the weirdest thing.
I just kept thinking about
2000
01:35:39,901 --> 01:35:42,869
the talk that we had
2001
01:35:42,904 --> 01:35:46,939
and talking
about my mom and I...
2002
01:35:46,974 --> 01:35:50,710
You know, I felt like I couldn't
2003
01:35:50,745 --> 01:35:53,880
make this baby feel
unwanted the way I was.
2004
01:35:53,915 --> 01:35:57,383
And I just...
I...
2005
01:35:57,418 --> 01:36:00,453
I feel like I'm never gonna
have this opportunity again,
2006
01:36:00,488 --> 01:36:02,955
you know,
2007
01:36:02,990 --> 01:36:06,092
and so I'm gonna give it a shot
2008
01:36:06,127 --> 01:36:08,461
and I'm excited.
2009
01:36:13,367 --> 01:36:16,736
So I have nothing to say
about this?
2010
01:36:16,771 --> 01:36:18,615
What do you have to say?
2011
01:36:18,639 --> 01:36:20,517
Well, maybe I don't wanna
be a father again.
2012
01:36:20,541 --> 01:36:22,586
Okay. Well, you don't
have to be a father.
2013
01:36:22,610 --> 01:36:23,843
Nobody's asking you.
2014
01:36:23,878 --> 01:36:25,422
But I'm gonna be the father
2015
01:36:25,446 --> 01:36:27,457
and I'm gonna be
an older father, which
2016
01:36:27,481 --> 01:36:30,249
I don't expect you to
understand, but I am.
2017
01:36:30,284 --> 01:36:34,520
I can't even guarantee how long
I'll be around for the child.
2018
01:36:34,555 --> 01:36:38,090
I'm, uh...
2019
01:36:38,125 --> 01:36:41,260
Actually, it's me having
the baby, not you,
2020
01:36:41,295 --> 01:36:44,997
and so you are,
like I said, off the hook.
2021
01:36:45,032 --> 01:36:47,667
I'm not off the hook. I'm sorry.
I'm not off the hook.
2022
01:36:47,702 --> 01:36:50,136
Okay. I'm not asking you.
I'm not off the hook.
2023
01:36:50,171 --> 01:36:51,982
I'm the father
and you're telling me
2024
01:36:52,006 --> 01:36:53,884
that I'm off the hook?
No. This is...
2025
01:36:53,908 --> 01:36:56,142
You can't just decide
this on your own.
2026
01:36:56,177 --> 01:36:58,211
Doesn't work that way.
I can.
2027
01:36:58,246 --> 01:37:00,680
It does affect me.
And I just did decide.
2028
01:37:00,715 --> 01:37:02,559
Thank you.
Yes. I did decide this.
2029
01:37:02,583 --> 01:37:04,183
It affects me.
No. It doesn't.
2030
01:37:04,218 --> 01:37:06,485
It doesn't affect you.
It does.
2031
01:37:06,520 --> 01:37:08,131
You have nothing to do with it.
2032
01:37:08,155 --> 01:37:10,167
You have the baby,
it doesn't affect me?
2033
01:37:10,191 --> 01:37:12,625
You're not giving me any choice.
Okay, well...
2034
01:37:12,660 --> 01:37:14,193
You did have a choice!
2035
01:37:14,228 --> 01:37:16,629
You just said you didn't
wanna be a father.
2036
01:37:16,664 --> 01:37:18,397
I didn't say...
2037
01:37:18,432 --> 01:37:21,000
I said, I don't know
if I wanna be a father again.
2038
01:37:21,035 --> 01:37:23,069
That's fine.
I don't want you to be!
2039
01:37:23,104 --> 01:37:25,571
I don't need you to be!
If this hadn't happened,
2040
01:37:25,606 --> 01:37:27,050
I'd run into you in five years.
2041
01:37:27,074 --> 01:37:28,752
You'd be with a little kid.
2042
01:37:28,776 --> 01:37:31,021
You gonna tell me, "By the
way, this is your child"?
2043
01:37:31,045 --> 01:37:32,723
You didn't want anything
to do with it!
2044
01:37:32,747 --> 01:37:34,925
Pregnant with my child
and you wouldn't tell me.
2045
01:37:34,949 --> 01:37:36,182
So fucking what?
2046
01:37:36,217 --> 01:37:38,751
There you go!
So fucking what?
2047
01:37:38,786 --> 01:37:41,064
"Fuck you. I'll have the child."
You should get that.
2048
01:37:42,556 --> 01:37:45,324
This is...
Unbelievable.
2049
01:37:45,359 --> 01:37:47,426
Ah, fuck. Fuck this.
2050
01:37:47,461 --> 01:37:50,696
This is fucking crazy.
2051
01:37:50,731 --> 01:37:53,833
Miller, I'm busy. I don't wanna
talk business when I'm here.
2052
01:37:53,868 --> 01:37:55,545
No. I don't wanna talk
to you right now.
2053
01:37:55,569 --> 01:37:57,214
Miller, what is it?
What do you wanna...?
2054
01:37:57,238 --> 01:37:58,782
Goddamn it. Ugh!
2055
01:37:58,806 --> 01:38:00,751
I don't have time to talk
right now. What is it?
2056
01:38:00,775 --> 01:38:02,552
You're viral again.
2057
01:38:02,576 --> 01:38:06,212
What?
Yeah. Something about "poopie"?
2058
01:38:06,247 --> 01:38:09,048
And a bunch of retirees?
2059
01:38:09,083 --> 01:38:11,217
♪ Holy shit ♪
2060
01:38:11,252 --> 01:38:14,253
♪ I'm makin'
I'm makin' poopie ♪
2061
01:38:14,288 --> 01:38:16,422
♪ I'm makin'
I'm makin' shit ♪
2062
01:38:16,457 --> 01:38:20,359
♪ I'm makin'
I'm makin' poopie ♪
2063
01:38:20,394 --> 01:38:22,639
Over three million views
in eight hours,
2064
01:38:22,663 --> 01:38:24,308
and it is still climbing.
2065
01:38:24,332 --> 01:38:26,933
You are on Kimmel.
You're on Fallon.
2066
01:38:26,968 --> 01:38:29,279
So I got a call from
Carol Bock from RAW TV.
2067
01:38:29,303 --> 01:38:31,270
Carol Bock. What the fuck
does she want?
2068
01:38:31,305 --> 01:38:33,906
She needs a host
for a reality-show pilot.
2069
01:38:33,941 --> 01:38:36,153
It shoots on Monday in New York.
2070
01:38:36,177 --> 01:38:38,244
Monday, uh...
So soon?
2071
01:38:38,279 --> 01:38:39,612
They had D'Angelo signed.
2072
01:38:39,647 --> 01:38:41,158
He had to drop out
at the last minute.
2073
01:38:41,182 --> 01:38:42,759
Of course.
He's got a better manager.
2074
01:38:42,783 --> 01:38:45,064
No, he got pancreatic cancer.
2075
01:38:46,287 --> 01:38:48,754
Ah, timing is everything, heh.
2076
01:38:48,789 --> 01:38:52,658
Cancer. Who'd he steal that
from? Okay. I'm coming.
2077
01:38:52,693 --> 01:38:54,237
All right.
Don't leave me hanging.
2078
01:38:54,261 --> 01:38:56,101
Yeah. I said, I'm coming!
Yeah.
2079
01:38:59,633 --> 01:39:01,734
♪ I'm making poopie ♪
2080
01:39:01,769 --> 01:39:05,137
♪ It's good to be alive ♪
2081
01:39:05,172 --> 01:39:07,239
Yeah.
2082
01:39:07,274 --> 01:39:08,852
♪ Makin' shit
I'm makin' ♪
2083
01:39:08,876 --> 01:39:10,776
♪ I'm makin'
Poopie ♪
2084
01:39:10,811 --> 01:39:12,512
♪ I'm makin' shit ♪
2085
01:39:14,682 --> 01:39:16,193
Well, well.
2086
01:39:16,217 --> 01:39:18,017
Hey, Mac.
What have we here?
2087
01:39:18,052 --> 01:39:20,753
The comedian slithering out?
2088
01:39:20,788 --> 01:39:23,155
Look, I got a gig in New York.
It's important.
2089
01:39:23,190 --> 01:39:24,634
Let me tell you something.
2090
01:39:24,658 --> 01:39:26,703
Back in the day,
when I was making book,
2091
01:39:26,727 --> 01:39:29,139
I knew who was gonna lose
and who was gonna win.
2092
01:39:29,163 --> 01:39:30,696
I had an instinct.
2093
01:39:30,731 --> 01:39:32,442
The losers,
I'd deposit their money
2094
01:39:32,466 --> 01:39:33,710
before the race ran.
2095
01:39:33,734 --> 01:39:35,301
Yeah?
Yeah.
2096
01:39:35,336 --> 01:39:37,870
You, my friend,
are money in the bank.
2097
01:39:37,905 --> 01:39:39,805
Okay. So now you're saying
I'm a loser?
2098
01:39:39,840 --> 01:39:42,441
Get the fuck out of here.
2099
01:39:42,476 --> 01:39:46,545
Hey, you know, I hear
you're gonna be a grandpa.
2100
01:39:46,580 --> 01:39:50,850
Wow. Congratulations.
That's exciting.
2101
01:39:50,885 --> 01:39:53,386
Just don't be surprised
if the kid comes out of the womb
2102
01:39:53,421 --> 01:39:57,289
with a mic, doing dick jokes.
You know what I mean?
2103
01:39:57,324 --> 01:39:58,991
See you at the bris.
2104
01:39:59,026 --> 01:40:00,804
Look around.
There's people everywhere.
2105
01:40:00,828 --> 01:40:03,162
"Arlene." Why don't you
work on that?
2106
01:40:03,197 --> 01:40:05,731
Because it really sucked
the way you did it.
2107
01:40:05,766 --> 01:40:08,701
"Arlene."
That's how you do it, schmuck.
2108
01:40:08,736 --> 01:40:10,870
Get it right next time.
Work on it.
2109
01:40:10,905 --> 01:40:13,406
"Arlene. Arlene.
2110
01:40:13,441 --> 01:40:14,907
"Arlene."
2111
01:40:14,942 --> 01:40:18,044
From New York City, RAW TV,
2112
01:40:18,079 --> 01:40:20,413
the game-changer
in innovative television
2113
01:40:20,448 --> 01:40:25,184
brings you Say Uncle,
a new experiment in jeopardy
2114
01:40:25,219 --> 01:40:29,355
starring the king of shock
comedians, Jackie Burke.
2115
01:40:29,390 --> 01:40:33,225
Hello, everybody.
Welcome to Say Uncle.
2116
01:40:33,260 --> 01:40:35,327
I'm your host, Jackie Burke.
2117
01:40:35,362 --> 01:40:36,896
Each week on Say Uncle,
2118
01:40:36,931 --> 01:40:39,009
we find out
if you have what it takes
2119
01:40:39,033 --> 01:40:42,068
to take the pain
and win cash and prizes,
2120
01:40:42,103 --> 01:40:44,370
or will you say uncle
2121
01:40:44,405 --> 01:40:48,274
and go home empty-handed,
disappointing your family
2122
01:40:48,309 --> 01:40:50,042
and crushing your dreams?
2123
01:40:50,077 --> 01:40:52,022
Our first contestant
is Mark Chapel
2124
01:40:52,046 --> 01:40:53,857
from Brookline, Massachusetts.
2125
01:40:55,316 --> 01:40:56,693
How you doing today, Mark?
2126
01:40:56,717 --> 01:40:58,418
Hi. Great.
2127
01:40:59,954 --> 01:41:02,265
This week, we take you
to bayou country
2128
01:41:02,289 --> 01:41:04,234
where it's man against nature.
2129
01:41:04,258 --> 01:41:07,760
Or in this case, Mark against
hundreds of pissed-off crawfish.
2130
01:41:09,296 --> 01:41:12,098
Look what we have for you, Mark.
2131
01:41:12,133 --> 01:41:14,800
A couple of nice ones.
2132
01:41:14,835 --> 01:41:18,571
Here we go. Oh, yeah.
No, no, no. Got you.
2133
01:41:18,606 --> 01:41:22,208
These pincers can inflict
a lot of pain and damage.
2134
01:41:22,243 --> 01:41:24,410
You sure you're up
to this, Mark?
2135
01:41:24,445 --> 01:41:25,989
Bring it on, Uncle Jackie.
2136
01:41:26,013 --> 01:41:28,091
Right now, our two bayou babes,
2137
01:41:28,115 --> 01:41:30,149
each married to close relatives
2138
01:41:30,184 --> 01:41:32,785
are helping Mark
into a swamp pirogue.
2139
01:41:32,820 --> 01:41:35,888
That was my idea.
The crawfish.
2140
01:41:35,923 --> 01:41:38,157
The crawfish and the bayou
babes. That was me.
2141
01:41:38,192 --> 01:41:40,237
Don't forget,
if you last two minutes
2142
01:41:40,261 --> 01:41:42,239
with these hungry crawfish,
you'll win
2143
01:41:42,263 --> 01:41:43,662
this new hybrid car,
2144
01:41:45,332 --> 01:41:49,068
a Caribbean vacation for you
and your entire family
2145
01:41:50,604 --> 01:41:54,406
and $10,000 in cash!
2146
01:41:54,441 --> 01:41:57,076
We got it.
Okay.
2147
01:41:57,111 --> 01:41:59,845
Are you sure you're ready
for the bayou challenge, Mark?
2148
01:41:59,880 --> 01:42:01,914
Yes, Uncle Jackie.
2149
01:42:01,949 --> 01:42:04,783
Okay. Let's start
the clock.
2150
01:42:04,818 --> 01:42:08,120
Crawfish, it's dinnertime.
2151
01:42:13,160 --> 01:42:14,938
That doesn't look so bad to me.
2152
01:42:14,962 --> 01:42:16,706
I've stayed in worse motels.
2153
01:42:16,730 --> 01:42:22,868
Though I have to say, these
bedbugs are on the large size.
2154
01:42:22,903 --> 01:42:24,648
Even by New York standards.
2155
01:42:24,672 --> 01:42:27,473
Bayou babes,
bring in reinforcements.
2156
01:42:30,744 --> 01:42:33,712
Wow, I thought
having crabs was bad.
2157
01:42:33,747 --> 01:42:36,448
I'm not as much of
a man as you are, Mark.
2158
01:42:36,483 --> 01:42:37,983
I've gotta hand it to you.
2159
01:42:38,018 --> 01:42:40,219
You got a lot of chutzpah
and a lot of balls.
2160
01:42:40,254 --> 01:42:43,789
I think one bit me.
Ouch.
2161
01:42:43,824 --> 01:42:47,293
Oh, first bite. Let's hope those
other mudbugs don't catch on.
2162
01:42:47,328 --> 01:42:49,795
Aah!
Twenty-four seconds, Mark.
2163
01:42:49,830 --> 01:42:52,131
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
2164
01:42:52,166 --> 01:42:54,567
Think of the cash,
the money, the vacation.
2165
01:42:57,438 --> 01:43:00,083
You can do it.
You're gonna make it.
2166
01:43:00,107 --> 01:43:01,740
He's never gonna make it.
2167
01:43:01,775 --> 01:43:03,520
You're almost there, Mark.
2168
01:43:03,544 --> 01:43:05,544
Keep it going.
Think of the money.
2169
01:43:05,579 --> 01:43:08,414
Uncle! Uncle!
2170
01:43:10,217 --> 01:43:11,817
Uncle!
2171
01:43:11,852 --> 01:43:14,053
Mark!
2172
01:43:14,088 --> 01:43:15,332
Loser!
2173
01:43:18,425 --> 01:43:22,595
Oh! Oh!
2174
01:43:22,630 --> 01:43:24,507
You're a disappointment, Mark.
2175
01:43:24,531 --> 01:43:26,865
You okay? You all right?
2176
01:43:26,900 --> 01:43:29,435
It's all right.
It's okay. It's okay.
2177
01:43:29,470 --> 01:43:30,836
Okay.
2178
01:43:32,306 --> 01:43:35,274
I'm sorry. I tried.
I really did.
2179
01:43:36,443 --> 01:43:39,545
Honey, it's okay. I know.
2180
01:43:39,580 --> 01:43:42,181
I'm sorry.
We love you. The kids love you.
2181
01:43:42,216 --> 01:43:44,717
You suck, Mark!
2182
01:43:44,752 --> 01:43:46,619
Say Uncle will be right back.
2183
01:43:46,654 --> 01:43:50,055
But for me, I'd rather have
Stevie Wonder shave my balls
2184
01:43:50,090 --> 01:43:51,534
with a fucking butcher knife
2185
01:43:51,558 --> 01:43:53,603
than be part of this
fucking reality show.
2186
01:43:53,627 --> 01:43:56,128
This is Jackie Burke
saying "uncle,"
2187
01:43:56,163 --> 01:43:58,864
and RAW TV, you can
go fuck yourself.
2188
01:44:01,101 --> 01:44:02,534
Jackie.
2189
01:44:02,569 --> 01:44:04,036
I'm keeping the Safari jacket,
2190
01:44:04,071 --> 01:44:05,749
in case I ever get
booked in Africa.
2191
01:44:05,773 --> 01:44:07,139
Jackie.
2192
01:44:09,410 --> 01:44:10,943
Sorry.
2193
01:44:26,960 --> 01:44:29,561
You know, my kid,
he's over 6 feet tall.
2194
01:44:29,596 --> 01:44:31,497
I hardly ever hear from him.
2195
01:44:31,532 --> 01:44:33,766
But all of the stages
are beautiful.
2196
01:44:33,801 --> 01:44:37,603
Yeah.
Oh, that lucky kid, heh.
2197
01:44:37,638 --> 01:44:39,638
Hey.
2198
01:44:39,673 --> 01:44:41,941
Where's the Florida sunshine?
2199
01:44:48,949 --> 01:44:50,716
Hey.
2200
01:44:51,985 --> 01:44:53,819
Wow. Look at you.
2201
01:44:59,493 --> 01:45:01,260
This is a surprise.
2202
01:45:01,295 --> 01:45:04,830
Yeah.
You look beautiful.
2203
01:45:04,865 --> 01:45:07,033
Really great.
2204
01:45:12,639 --> 01:45:15,875
Look, I just wanted
to talk to you.
2205
01:45:18,178 --> 01:45:20,012
See how you are.
2206
01:45:22,216 --> 01:45:25,117
It felt strange after
the way we left things.
2207
01:45:25,152 --> 01:45:27,786
I was gonna call you,
but it was...
2208
01:45:27,821 --> 01:45:29,555
It didn't feel good to do that.
2209
01:45:29,590 --> 01:45:33,559
So I just decided to come here,
and I wanna give you this.
2210
01:45:33,594 --> 01:45:38,397
It's a bunch of mementos,
family photographs, my family.
2211
01:45:39,700 --> 01:45:41,567
In case,
2212
01:45:41,602 --> 01:45:45,171
he or she would want
to know things about...
2213
01:45:47,541 --> 01:45:49,007
me.
2214
01:45:49,042 --> 01:45:51,844
Of course. Heh.
2215
01:45:51,879 --> 01:45:54,646
But just so you have it.
In case. You never know.
2216
01:45:54,681 --> 01:45:56,515
And you do whatever you want.
2217
01:45:56,550 --> 01:46:01,186
If you want me to be involved
in his or her life, fine.
2218
01:46:01,221 --> 01:46:04,490
If you don't, I won't like that,
but I'll have to accept it.
2219
01:46:04,525 --> 01:46:06,425
Okay.
2220
01:46:06,460 --> 01:46:08,060
But I'm there.
I want you to know,
2221
01:46:08,095 --> 01:46:10,095
I'm there for you, for the kid.
2222
01:46:10,130 --> 01:46:13,065
That's the most important
thing I want you to know.
2223
01:46:14,635 --> 01:46:19,204
I care about you a lot.
You know that.
2224
01:46:19,239 --> 01:46:21,207
Okay.
2225
01:46:26,413 --> 01:46:27,713
Take care of yourself.
2226
01:46:27,748 --> 01:46:30,082
Let's hope the kid
looks like me.
2227
01:47:40,954 --> 01:47:43,121
Hey, Jackie. Jackie.
2228
01:47:43,156 --> 01:47:45,101
- Yeah.
- Sit.
2229
01:47:45,125 --> 01:47:47,793
Sit. Join us.
2230
01:47:47,828 --> 01:47:49,661
Do you wanna go on tonight?
2231
01:47:49,696 --> 01:47:51,541
Any spot you want,
just let me know.
2232
01:47:51,565 --> 01:47:53,209
Estee, why are you being
so nice to me?
2233
01:47:53,233 --> 01:47:54,700
There's something wrong.
2234
01:47:54,735 --> 01:47:56,679
Your video got more hits
than 2 girls, 1 cup.
2235
01:47:56,703 --> 01:47:58,270
It's fucking viral.
Sit down.
2236
01:47:58,305 --> 01:48:00,939
Which video? What video?
That Say Uncle thing.
2237
01:48:00,974 --> 01:48:04,042
Three in a row. You're more
viral than Charlie Sheen.
2238
01:48:04,077 --> 01:48:06,278
"This is Jackie Burke
saying 'uncle, '
2239
01:48:06,313 --> 01:48:08,024
and RAW TV go fuck
yourself."
2240
01:48:08,048 --> 01:48:09,859
- Fuck yourself.
- Everyone saw it, man.
2241
01:48:09,883 --> 01:48:12,684
Everybody.
Six million views and counting.
2242
01:48:12,719 --> 01:48:15,153
Six million?
But how did they get it out?
2243
01:48:15,188 --> 01:48:17,956
It was two months ago.
2244
01:48:17,991 --> 01:48:19,825
You got it out?
2245
01:48:19,860 --> 01:48:22,194
You finally did something good.
2246
01:48:22,229 --> 01:48:24,229
- To Jackie.
- Congratulations, Jackie.
2247
01:48:24,264 --> 01:48:26,965
You're back,
you mean motherfucker.
2248
01:48:27,000 --> 01:48:29,078
Where's your drink?
This is so weird.
2249
01:48:29,102 --> 01:48:30,847
Hey, where's my viral video?
2250
01:48:30,871 --> 01:48:32,911
Punch me in the face?
Miller the Killer.
2251
01:48:32,940 --> 01:48:34,540
You... Miller the Killer.
2252
01:48:36,343 --> 01:48:38,477
Holy shit!
2253
01:48:40,047 --> 01:48:42,915
All right. Try to talk
about regular stuff,
2254
01:48:42,950 --> 01:48:45,851
like music and politics. If you
got a handlebar mustache,
2255
01:48:45,886 --> 01:48:47,830
all I wanna hear you
talk about is Slinkys
2256
01:48:47,854 --> 01:48:49,922
and kazoos, and that's it.
2257
01:48:49,957 --> 01:48:52,024
You talk about kazoos
for a few minutes,
2258
01:48:52,059 --> 01:48:54,593
then you gonna hop on
a unicycle and juggle.
2259
01:48:54,628 --> 01:48:56,995
You carnival-faced motherfucker.
2260
01:48:58,465 --> 01:49:00,710
Are you guys ready for
your next comedian?
2261
01:49:00,734 --> 01:49:03,368
Make some noise.
2262
01:49:03,403 --> 01:49:05,281
You guys are a beautiful crowd.
2263
01:49:05,305 --> 01:49:06,916
We have a surprise guest
for tonight.
2264
01:49:06,940 --> 01:49:08,785
You might have seen him
on RAW TV,
2265
01:49:08,809 --> 01:49:11,076
snapping and telling
them to fuck off.
2266
01:49:11,111 --> 01:49:13,078
Please welcome to
the stage the great
2267
01:49:13,113 --> 01:49:15,581
Jackie Burke, everybody.
Jackie Burke.
2268
01:49:26,393 --> 01:49:29,061
Yeah, give it up
for Hannibal Buress.
2269
01:49:29,096 --> 01:49:33,299
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
2270
01:49:35,168 --> 01:49:37,113
Thank you.
Thank you very much, folks.
2271
01:49:37,137 --> 01:49:38,748
Thank you.
This is really nice.
2272
01:49:38,772 --> 01:49:40,817
Last time I heard "Jackie"
chanted like that,
2273
01:49:40,841 --> 01:49:43,775
I was bent over in the shower
at Nassau County Correctional.
2274
01:49:47,347 --> 01:49:49,715
Okay, Jackie.
You're finally working
2275
01:49:49,750 --> 01:49:52,951
at the Comedy Cellar again.
Don't fuck this up.
2276
01:49:52,986 --> 01:49:56,888
Don't curse too much.
Don't pull your dick out.
2277
01:49:56,923 --> 01:49:59,224
Don't attack anyone physically
2278
01:49:59,259 --> 01:50:02,594
unless they really,
really deserve it.
2279
01:50:02,629 --> 01:50:06,164
Well, looks like all
my ex-wives were wrong.
2280
01:50:06,199 --> 01:50:07,833
The bitches.
2281
01:50:07,868 --> 01:50:11,336
Sometimes, it really does pay
to be a total asshole.
2282
01:50:11,371 --> 01:50:14,473
And if I had known psychotic
breakdowns were so entertaining,
2283
01:50:14,508 --> 01:50:17,609
I'd have just been myself
all these years.
2284
01:50:17,644 --> 01:50:21,680
Oh, you know what? I forgot.
I'm gonna be a dad.
2285
01:50:21,715 --> 01:50:23,849
Yeah.
2286
01:50:23,884 --> 01:50:27,653
You don't have to applaud.
I know I'm fucking old.
2287
01:50:27,688 --> 01:50:31,189
I mean, halfway through
pulling out, I fell asleep.
2288
01:50:31,224 --> 01:50:32,969
Before my sperm leaves my balls,
2289
01:50:32,993 --> 01:50:34,537
it has to stop
and ask directions.
2290
01:50:36,630 --> 01:50:38,296
Boy, you guys are great.
2291
01:50:38,331 --> 01:50:40,666
It's nice to be in front of
a young crowd like this.
2292
01:50:40,701 --> 01:50:42,934
Younger than dead.
2293
01:50:42,969 --> 01:50:46,338
I should hire you
to come to all my gigs.
2294
01:50:46,373 --> 01:50:50,075
How much do you pay?
I don't know... You? I...
2295
01:50:52,646 --> 01:50:55,681
Uh, I don't know. I'd give
you 10 for a hand-job
2296
01:50:55,716 --> 01:50:59,218
and an extra 100 if you promise
not to wreck it by talking.
2297
01:51:03,090 --> 01:51:05,624
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
2298
01:51:33,620 --> 01:51:37,222
♪ Oh, say does
That star-spangled ♪
2299
01:51:37,257 --> 01:51:40,358
♪ Banner yet wave ♪
2300
01:51:40,393 --> 01:51:45,063
♪ O'er the land of the free ♪
2301
01:51:45,098 --> 01:51:49,768
♪ And the home of the brave? ♪
2302
01:51:49,803 --> 01:51:51,536
You made it.
2303
01:51:51,571 --> 01:51:53,382
The plane was delayed.
It's okay.
2304
01:51:53,406 --> 01:51:55,118
Okay, everyone.
Have a seat, have a seat,
2305
01:51:55,142 --> 01:51:56,675
and take a bow, Amaya.
2306
01:51:56,710 --> 01:51:59,111
Okay. Okay.
Thank you.
2307
01:51:59,146 --> 01:52:01,379
Great. Oh, isn't she cute?
Hi, Gary.
2308
01:52:01,414 --> 01:52:03,115
Hey, Jackie.
We're next.
2309
01:52:03,150 --> 01:52:07,219
Our next very, very talented
youngster we have is,
2310
01:52:07,254 --> 01:52:10,455
Miss Ralli Berkowitz.
Come on out, Ralli.
2311
01:52:15,662 --> 01:52:18,463
Oh, no. Here we go.
2312
01:52:18,498 --> 01:52:21,800
So, what's the deal
with chores and allowances?
2313
01:52:21,835 --> 01:52:24,069
I turn 8, and my mom says,
2314
01:52:24,104 --> 01:52:27,472
"I'll give you $10 a week
to make your room,
2315
01:52:27,507 --> 01:52:31,243
"wash the dishes, and clean
the cat's litter box."
2316
01:52:31,278 --> 01:52:35,213
Ten dollars?
That's slave labor.
2317
01:52:38,118 --> 01:52:40,986
I go to our neighbor's
house, and I say,
2318
01:52:41,021 --> 01:52:43,789
"What will you give me
if I make your room,
2319
01:52:43,824 --> 01:52:47,492
"wash your dishes, and clean
your cat's litter box?"
2320
01:52:47,527 --> 01:52:50,262
Neighbor says,
"I don't have a cat."
2321
01:52:50,297 --> 01:52:52,998
So I piss in her hallway
and say,
2322
01:52:53,033 --> 01:52:56,802
"You go to 15 a week,
and I'll supply the pussy."
2323
01:52:58,138 --> 01:53:00,272
Oh, my God.
2324
01:53:00,307 --> 01:53:03,475
Oh, my gosh.
2325
01:53:03,510 --> 01:53:05,611
This fucking thing on?
2326
01:53:08,048 --> 01:53:10,615
Thanks so much, Ralli. Okay.
Very good. Thank you.
2327
01:53:10,650 --> 01:53:12,984
Okay, sweetheart.
Good. All right.
2328
01:53:13,019 --> 01:53:14,953
Okay. Right.
2329
01:53:14,988 --> 01:53:16,922
Thanks so much, Ralli.
2330
01:53:16,957 --> 01:53:18,490
Right. Thanks, honey.
2331
01:53:18,525 --> 01:53:21,092
All right. Wonderful.
2332
01:53:21,127 --> 01:53:22,828
And we have...
2333
01:53:22,863 --> 01:53:24,863
Did you teach her that?
2334
01:53:24,898 --> 01:53:27,900
I would never teach her
anything like that.
2335
01:53:32,806 --> 01:53:34,606
♪ Look into my eyes ♪
2336
01:53:34,641 --> 01:53:36,675
♪ Can't you see
They're open wide? ♪
2337
01:53:36,710 --> 01:53:41,680
♪ Would I lie to you, baby
Would I lie to you? ♪
2338
01:53:41,715 --> 01:53:43,849
♪ Don't you know it's true ♪
2339
01:53:43,884 --> 01:53:45,984
♪ Girl, there's no one else
But you ♪
2340
01:53:46,019 --> 01:53:51,823
♪ Would I lie to you, baby
Yeah c'mon ♪
2341
01:53:51,858 --> 01:53:56,461
♪ Everybody wants to know
The truth ♪
2342
01:53:56,496 --> 01:54:00,699
♪ In my arms
Is the only proof ♪
2343
01:54:00,734 --> 01:54:05,537
♪ I've hidden my heart behind
The bedroom door ♪
2344
01:54:05,572 --> 01:54:09,975
♪ Now it's open
I can't do no more ♪
2345
01:54:10,010 --> 01:54:11,676
♪ I'm telling you, baby, ♪
2346
01:54:11,711 --> 01:54:15,180
♪ You will never find
Another girl ♪
2347
01:54:15,215 --> 01:54:19,651
♪ In this heart of mine ♪
2348
01:54:19,686 --> 01:54:21,519
♪ Look into my eyes ♪
2349
01:54:21,554 --> 01:54:23,399
♪ Can't you see
They're open wide? ♪
2350
01:54:23,423 --> 01:54:28,026
♪ Would I lie to you, baby
Would I lie to you? ♪
2351
01:54:30,130 --> 01:54:31,897
♪ Would I lie to you? ♪
2352
01:54:31,932 --> 01:54:34,666
♪ When you wanna see me
Night and day ♪
2353
01:54:34,701 --> 01:54:36,368
♪ Would I lie to you? ♪
2354
01:54:36,403 --> 01:54:39,237
♪ Do you think I give
My love away? ♪
2355
01:54:39,272 --> 01:54:41,072
♪ Would I lie? ♪
2356
01:54:41,107 --> 01:54:44,576
♪ That's not the kind of game
I play ♪
2357
01:59:43,176 --> 01:59:45,076
Katie Radford
2357
01:59:46,305 --> 01:59:52,466
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