1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:13,320 {\an8}‪（NETFLIX 喜劇特輯） 4 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,200 ‪謝謝大家 5 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,840 ‪謝謝 6 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:47,920 ‪謝謝你們 7 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:53,600 ‪歡迎現場各位的到來 8 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,920 ‪而且還是在耶誕佳節呢 9 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,000 ‪我真的十分感恩 10 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:01,640 ‪在這個時候 11 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,600 ‪你們原本應該出席耶誕派對 12 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:08,360 ‪喝到吐才對，但是 13 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,560 ‪你們卻選擇了來教堂見我 14 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,440 ‪願平安與你同在 15 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:15,320 ‪這真的… 16 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:27,840 ‪我覺得耶誕節前夕是很特別的時光 ‪對吧？ 17 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:33,120 ‪非常特別，很奇妙地混合了 18 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,040 ‪反思和壓力 19 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,520 ‪可以說是一種反思型的壓力 20 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,960 ‪但這是自找的 21 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:44,720 ‪因為你總是覺得 22 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:48,560 ‪“我必須在耶誕節之前完成所有事情 ‪必須做好” 23 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:52,200 ‪“不，這一定要在耶誕節前完成” 24 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:55,320 ‪你的待辦事項也形成了你的個人衝突 25 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,520 ‪這些事必須在耶誕節前解決 26 00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:00,240 ‪彷彿耶誕節過後世界就要末日了 27 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:01,640 ‪一定要解決 28 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:03,760 ‪我叔叔是個商人，總是有人對他說 29 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,240 ‪“把浴室修好 ‪必須在耶誕節前完成” 30 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:10,240 ‪而他總是回答 ‪“當然是耶誕節前了，但不是今年” 31 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:15,759 ‪但這是個特別的時光 ‪有著特別的期盼，對吧？ 32 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:19,080 ‪為了延長這種期盼 33 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,360 ‪於是就有了降臨節日曆 34 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:25,880 ‪好讓你每天都焦慮一下 ‪不用一下子面對 35 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,320 ‪這樣你就可以好好地分配，我們現在 36 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,680 ‪有好多的降臨節日曆 37 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:35,240 ‪在場有誰做過嗎？你有做過嗎？ 38 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,640 ‪還有人在8月就做好了 ‪只是他們都不說 39 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:40,600 ‪等到耶誕節前夕才說 40 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,320 ‪“對啊，我幫我全家人都做了” 41 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,640 ‪給孩子們、父母親，還有狗狗 42 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,520 ‪讓你想說：“他是精神病嗎？” 43 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,880 ‪我能理解…有人舉手了，我就說吧 44 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:59,680 ‪我能理解為另一半做這個 ‪是很甜蜜的事 45 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:03,560 ‪至少在一起的第一年會這麼做 46 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,400 ‪而在日曆上的頭七天 47 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,040 ‪真的有很多好主意 48 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:14,040 ‪妳會想說：“我真的是個好女友 49 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,520 ‪我超有創意的” 50 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,520 ‪可是七天之後 51 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,680 ‪就愈來愈難了 52 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,200 ‪妳會開始想：“好吧 53 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,480 ‪再來一個哈努塔巧克力餅 54 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:28,880 ‪再來一個” 55 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,880 ‪對了，他對榛果過敏 ‪“不管，再來一個” 56 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,080 ‪我16歲的時候也有過一個男朋友 57 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,040 ‪我當時用三明治袋子 58 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:42,360 ‪幫他做了一個降臨節日曆 59 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,280 ‪然後在其中一些袋子裡放了字母 60 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:49,480 ‪收集全部字母後可以拼成“我愛你” 61 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,200 ‪對啊，我真的超有心思的 62 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,400 ‪但是也笨死了 63 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,920 ‪因為有兩個問題 64 00:03:58,520 --> 00:03:59,840 ‪第一 65 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,160 ‪當他拼到“我愛”的時候 66 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:07,400 ‪就很明顯知道這是怎麼回事 67 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,720 ‪這能有什麼驚喜呢？ 68 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,640 ‪我愛沙發嗎？ 69 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,200 ‪還是我愛披薩？ 70 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:22,200 ‪我愛穿肚臍環？ 71 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,880 ‪第二個問題是 72 00:04:25,959 --> 00:04:29,040 ‪我在12月9號才發現 73 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,400 ‪這個男生不合適 74 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,560 ‪這是個問題 ‪尤其16歲的小孩分分合合，對吧？ 75 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:41,480 ‪一瞬間從“天啊，我墜入愛河了” 76 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:42,880 ‪到“這男的是誰？” 77 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,840 ‪簡直是無縫接軌 78 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:49,640 ‪所以在拼好“我愛”之後 79 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,600 ‪我放了 80 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:52,920 ‪“耶誕節” 81 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,680 ‪他的禮物上寫著 82 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,320 ‪“我愛耶誕節” 83 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:02,680 ‪是的 84 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,560 ‪怎麼了嗎？ ‪我從一開始就想這麼說的啊 85 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,880 ‪然後就完了 86 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,280 ‪典型的16歲分手的故事 87 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:18,360 ‪傳不了簡訊，我甚至都沒接他電話 88 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,120 ‪現在的說法是“甩了他” 89 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,440 ‪我最近聽到這個詞叫“甩” 90 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:26,000 ‪不是分手了，而是把對方甩掉 91 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:27,600 ‪聽起來多酷啊 92 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:32,240 ‪“甩掉” ‪就像是把那個男的放進籃子裡 93 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,240 ‪然後像小紅帽那樣 94 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,360 ‪在上面鋪一張格子餐巾 95 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,600 ‪然後把他甩到他媽媽那裡 96 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,320 ‪不，我不要想像那個畫面 97 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,480 ‪我最近讀到 98 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:50,240 ‪降臨節日曆就跟普通日曆一樣 ‪是個計算時日的工具 99 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,640 ‪以前 100 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,760 ‪你可以用粉筆畫出降臨節日曆 101 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:58,000 ‪用粉筆在牆上 102 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:02,520 ‪畫出24格 ‪孩子們可以每天擦掉一格 103 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,600 ‪那就是降臨節日曆 104 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:13,800 ‪孩子們肯定會在凌晨5點 ‪就滿心歡喜地跳下床 105 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:18,720 ‪再去挖掘結冰的田地 106 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:21,840 ‪你今天可以想像一下 107 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,200 ‪那些被寵壞的小屁孩說 108 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:27,120 ‪“媽，今年的降臨節日曆 ‪是什麼樣的？ 109 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,040 ‪蘋果？還是摩比人？” 110 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:33,600 ‪“不，孩子，今年的很特別 111 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:38,920 ‪你可以每天在牆上擦掉一個格子 112 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:43,280 ‪玩得開心點哦” 113 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,960 ‪“媽，我可以把海綿收著嗎？” 114 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:56,840 ‪“不行 115 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:01,440 ‪你擦格子的時候 ‪順便把廚房地板也擦一擦” 116 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:05,320 ‪但這樣的降臨節日曆比較好吧？ 117 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:09,480 ‪我們小時候的降臨節日曆真的很酷 118 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,320 ‪我是說不像現在這些只有圖片 119 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:16,040 ‪我有個朋友今年的就只有圖片 ‪真可憐 120 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:19,560 ‪我們以前的有巧克力 121 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,520 ‪每天一塊小小的巧克力 122 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:28,360 ‪這個真的讓我印象深刻 ‪那是全世界最好吃的巧克力 123 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:29,840 ‪世界第一 124 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:32,240 ‪今天我知道了，才不是 125 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,120 ‪那是全世界最難吃的巧克力 126 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:39,040 ‪如果你現在再吃的話 ‪一定覺得很噁心 127 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,520 ‪“味道怎麼像排氣管那樣？ 128 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,840 ‪好像有人把鋁箔紙放在上面一樣” 129 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,120 ‪它聞起來就是這樣的，為什麼？ 130 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,200 ‪只有在小時候才會覺得那很好吃 131 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,560 ‪因為那時不能隨便吃巧克力 132 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,440 ‪你的味蕾都還沒發育完全呢 133 00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:00,160 ‪當然難吃死了，裡面都是石油啊 134 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:04,680 ‪在那些小塑膠模具裡面 135 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,200 ‪有那些令人興奮的石油 136 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,880 ‪食用石油差不多就像吸膠那樣 137 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:16,600 ‪可以說 ‪小孩就是靠化石燃料維持動力的 138 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:22,920 ‪現今有各種各樣的降臨節日曆 139 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,520 ‪有用襪子做成的 140 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,280 ‪樂高、摩比人、珠寶 141 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,480 ‪化妝品，而且是很不錯的 142 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,840 ‪還有香水、小狗、恐龍 143 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,600 ‪以及情趣用品 144 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,840 ‪你知道吧？ 145 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,039 ‪你知道啊？好吧 146 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,400 ‪那樣的話，每天都能從袋子裡 147 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,960 ‪得到一個情趣用品，但我常常在想 148 00:08:49,039 --> 00:08:51,320 ‪這樣真的好嗎？ 149 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,480 ‪一早醒來第一件事 150 00:08:54,560 --> 00:09:00,200 ‪睜開眼睛，在枕頭上流口水 ‪嘴裡還有噁心的口臭 151 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,600 ‪然後做的第一件事就是打開袋子 152 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:08,440 ‪看看今天要用什麼來滿足自己的情慾 153 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,720 ‪結果在聖尼古拉節當天 ‪拿到的是一個肛塞按摩棒 154 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,640 ‪對啦，聖尼古拉節這天 ‪總是有什麼大禮物嘛 155 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,000 ‪你很害怕情趣用品降臨節日曆 156 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,760 ‪因為從12月1號 ‪就一直收到情趣用品 157 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:27,040 ‪“天啊，這是什麼？” 158 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:32,760 ‪最棒的是 ‪你知道每個買了這個日曆的人 159 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:36,640 ‪今晚都會把這個塞進他們身體內 160 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,080 ‪多棒的體驗啊 161 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:50,480 ‪但不是每個人都覺得棒 ‪那些買過這個日曆的人都在等潤滑劑 162 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,320 ‪那要8號才收到 163 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,840 ‪如果家裡每個人 ‪都有自己的降臨節日曆 164 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:01,160 ‪那你得小心不要搞混了 165 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:05,880 ‪不然就會變成這樣 ‪“寶貝，這是八號的按摩棒嗎？ 166 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,360 ‪抱歉，有點疼耶” 167 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:13,400 ‪“最好是啦，寶貝 ‪這是孩子日曆裡的暴龍” 168 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:18,000 ‪“好，那我還回去” 169 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:25,440 ‪不過這些情趣用品日曆 ‪對我來說有點無趣 170 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,600 ‪不知道為什麼 171 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:31,560 ‪那也許是 ‪給那些有點過分拘謹的人用的吧 172 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:36,000 ‪就是那些有點拘謹但很負責任的人 173 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,760 ‪那些人會想說 174 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:43,680 ‪“一般來說 ‪我不太喜歡把大東西塞進我體內 175 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,920 ‪但這個就在日曆裡面嘛 176 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,120 ‪我們都付錢買回來了 177 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,440 ‪而且今天是聖尼古拉節 ‪我們必須慶祝一下 178 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,600 ‪必須要用這個” 179 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:05,160 ‪我不太喜歡 ‪但我有個朋友真的很想要這個日曆 180 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:06,800 ‪她希望男朋友能送她一個 181 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,760 ‪她不想自己買，必須是禮物 182 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:15,000 ‪她覺得很不錯 ‪然後有一年他男朋友回家說 183 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,600 ‪“寶貝，我買了一個 ‪很特別的降臨節日曆” 184 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,520 ‪她很興奮 185 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,440 ‪他說：“我們就需要這個 186 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,480 ‪為我們的關係帶來一點變化 187 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,240 ‪為我們的生活增添一點活力” 188 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,520 ‪如果我男朋友用“活力”這個詞 189 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,720 ‪我可能會跟他分手 190 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:36,240 ‪“我想要增添一點活力…” ‪行了，我說不下去了 191 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:40,160 ‪然後她就想：“究竟是什麼呢？ 192 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:41,920 ‪是什麼？快拿出來啊 193 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,720 ‪是玩捆綁嗎？手銬？拉珠？” 194 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,920 ‪然後他拿出來了，那是一個 195 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,160 ‪茶包降臨節日曆 196 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,280 ‪是的，真興奮 197 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,800 ‪非常興奮 198 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,480 ‪“這都是野生的 199 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,200 ‪狂野檸檬香脂薄荷茶 200 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:14,040 ‪五分鐘的沖泡時間？ ‪好，讓我泡五分鐘 201 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:16,720 ‪安神茶啊 202 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:23,200 ‪天啊，太棒了 ‪來啊，格雷伯爵，快來” 203 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:27,840 ‪“格雷伯爵？” ‪他肯定是有史以來最無趣的男人 204 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,840 ‪格雷的一道黑影 205 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,920 ‪然後我朋友說：“好啊 206 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,440 ‪每個人都在耶誕節瘋狂做愛 207 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,760 ‪而我只能在這裡喝洋甘菊 208 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,920 ‪好吧，去找找暴龍好了” 209 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:48,040 ‪但耶誕節與感情之間的關係有點複雜 210 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,880 ‪這可以衍生出很多問題 211 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:55,040 ‪耶誕節當然是個愛的節日 212 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,920 ‪無神論者也是這麼說的 ‪這樣他們才可以一起慶祝 213 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:03,320 ‪而我與耶誕節的關係很特殊 214 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,400 ‪有一年耶誕節 215 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,960 ‪我在平安夜當天被甩了 216 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:11,880 ‪沒錯 217 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:16,040 ‪很痛苦 218 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:20,200 ‪有那麼20分鐘 ‪我表現得像什麼都沒發生過一樣 219 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:26,360 ‪然後我在一棵樹下崩潰地抽泣 ‪真的很難過 220 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,480 ‪在場應該有人能理解 221 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:32,080 ‪而對於一個無論是不是耶誕節 ‪都不談論情感的家庭來說 222 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,720 ‪這是最糟糕的情況 223 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:37,160 ‪我的家人完全不知所措 224 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,640 ‪我弟弟站起來說 225 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,600 ‪“好吧 ‪我去廚房調製莫斯科騾子酒” 226 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:48,440 ‪而這是唯一一個合理的舉動 227 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,240 ‪我爸爸站到我面前 ‪他知道自己必須做些什麼 228 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,200 ‪他站在我面前看著我 229 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:58,360 ‪很用力地拍打我的肩膀，然後說 230 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,920 ‪“拜託，妳平時都很堅強的啊” 231 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,800 ‪他也有可能 ‪去拍打一個五歲小孩的肩膀說 232 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,640 ‪“給我解釋一下相對論 ‪你平時都很聰明的啊” 233 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:15,240 ‪我當時已經很疑惑了 ‪“這是怎麼回事？” 234 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,960 ‪然後我媽站了起來，我就想 235 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:22,720 ‪“終於，她知道該做什麼 ‪她會理解我的情緒的” 236 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,240 ‪我媽站起來，走到鋼琴旁邊 237 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:30,240 ‪不知道是因為潛意識心血來潮 ‪還是因為想緩和氣氛 238 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,400 ‪她彈了一首她唯一記住的歌曲 239 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,080 ‪那就是《我心永恆》 240 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:45,800 ‪開什麼玩笑？ 241 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,360 ‪好吧，她這是把我的感情生活 ‪比作沉沒的鐵達尼號 242 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,280 ‪多麼恰當啊 243 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,800 ‪我趴在那棵樹下大喊 ‪“你們都在耍我嗎？” 244 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:05,840 ‪我對著那棵樹哭了 245 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,280 ‪真糟糕 246 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,760 ‪而在治療建議下 247 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:13,640 ‪我試著用一首歌 ‪來應對這種可怕的情況 248 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:26,600 ‪哦，悲傷的妳 249 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,800 ‪哦，痛苦的妳 250 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:37,880 ‪令人心碎的耶誕節 251 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:43,160 ‪男朋友沒了 252 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:47,160 ‪他跟別人在一起了 253 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:54,680 ‪於是我哭泣，我哭啊，我命好苦啊 254 00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,760 ‪哦，悲傷的妳 255 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:05,080 ‪哦，痛苦的妳 256 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:12,160 ‪令人心碎的耶誕節 257 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:18,000 ‪媽媽跑去彈鋼琴 258 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,760 ‪爸爸幸災樂禍地打我 259 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,200 ‪於是我哭泣 260 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:29,520 ‪我哭啊，我命好苦啊 261 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,280 ‪謝謝大家 262 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:42,880 ‪謝謝大家 263 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,080 ‪我感覺好多了 264 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,040 ‪我當時想：“上帝啊” 265 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,600 ‪回想起我小時候的耶誕節 266 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,120 ‪對小孩來說 ‪耶誕節總是很美好的，對吧？ 267 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,840 ‪總是很快樂，是段很棒的時光 268 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,280 ‪但別自欺欺人了 269 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:06,040 ‪對小孩來說 ‪耶誕節最重要的就是禮物 270 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:10,760 ‪我知道這聽起來有點不道德 ‪但如果你在我小時候問我 271 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,280 ‪“妳認為耶誕節最重要的是什麼？ 272 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:19,160 ‪是上帝為了妳和世人犧牲祂兒子嗎？ 273 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,800 ‪還是最新款的遊戲機？” 274 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,319 ‪你會很驚訝 275 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,720 ‪聽到我說 276 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:32,319 ‪“是遊戲機” 277 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:37,600 ‪是，很抱歉 ‪犧牲你的兒子算什麼禮物嘛 278 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:42,040 ‪不是吧？你瘋了嗎？ 279 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:46,400 ‪對小孩來說這很不切實際啊 ‪跟小孩說這樣的話 280 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,120 ‪“親愛的上帝為了妳犧牲祂的兒子” 281 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:54,280 ‪拜託，我覺得非常不妥當 282 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:58,600 ‪這根本沒必要，我甚至不認識那個人 283 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:03,680 ‪最可怕的不是上帝讓祂的兒子死去 284 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,960 ‪祂還把他逐出天堂 285 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:11,720 ‪趕到這個只有洪水、地震 ‪和球芽甘藍的破舊星球 286 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,720 ‪而且還不夠 ‪祂還讓他被釘在十字架上 287 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,160 ‪小時候的你都嚇壞了 288 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,520 ‪“那就是親愛的上帝” 289 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:23,480 ‪“好的，我會向祂祈禱的，棒極了” 290 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,600 ‪禮物是最重要的東西 291 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:37,040 ‪所以我和我弟弟的耶誕節願望清單 292 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,640 ‪一年比一年長 293 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:44,120 ‪不是因為我們拜金、不知足 294 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:49,280 ‪而是因為我們從未得到過 ‪自己想要的禮物 295 00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,280 ‪頂多是很相似的東西 296 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:57,880 ‪那就是跳蚤市場的二手玩具 297 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,880 ‪站在今天的角度看 ‪這非常符合永續的概念 298 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,600 ‪但是對小孩來說，真是去他媽的永續 299 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:09,040 ‪身為一個小孩，你想要的是 ‪那個粉紅色盒子裡的正版芭比娃娃 300 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:13,080 ‪而不是已經有人用麥克筆 ‪在上面畫陰毛的波蘭仿製品 301 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,640 ‪就算是蜜蠟除毛也除不掉 302 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,720 ‪於是我們開始 303 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:22,960 ‪將我們願望清單上的禮物 ‪描述得非常精確 304 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:28,040 ‪因為我們想：“這個小耶穌有點笨” 305 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:32,160 ‪我們必須描述得非常仔細 ‪所以我們不光寫芭比娃娃 306 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,800 ‪而是“美泰兒的正版芭比娃娃 307 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:39,160 ‪原裝、粉紅色盒子、尚未被拆封” 308 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:46,880 ‪有一次，我把信箱裡 ‪收到的那些耶誕節商品目錄上的東西 309 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,760 ‪剪下來、貼在願望清單上 310 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:51,960 ‪如果當時有網路 311 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:56,480 ‪我就會直接加入購物車 ‪然後全部買下來 312 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,800 ‪如果媽媽問 ‪“耶誕節想要什麼啊？” 313 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,040 ‪“他們一分鐘後就會打來了 ‪已經分類好，快要派送了” 314 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,480 ‪對啦，我好像要求過幾樣 ‪不切實際的東西 315 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:14,520 ‪我現在知道了 316 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:20,200 ‪比如說，我17歲之前 ‪一直想要一匹小馬 317 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,560 ‪沒錯，而且我依然感受到 ‪那時的我真的覺得很荒謬 318 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,120 ‪我居然沒收到過小馬 319 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,760 ‪我就是無法理解 320 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,960 ‪為什麼不能有小馬呢？ 321 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:35,520 ‪我們有院子，小馬可以在那裡吃草 322 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,120 ‪還有一個棚子 323 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,120 ‪我們可以把割草機放在車庫裡 ‪那小馬就可以住在棚子裡了 324 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,040 ‪“為什麼不行？” 325 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:43,600 ‪但始終得不到 326 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,200 ‪有一次耶誕節前夕，我弟弟對我說 327 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,320 ‪“我知道妳的禮物是什麼” 328 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53WܰS:zӹ1ݎ+O?Ѷv^\E4ﷷ&$a%KFc\ꠛ꽢Y7i3=q+\ꏇ`Kݤ{BXߑW8a j=zsX=_d҃LUτeeX-F]?@fTG_Be|7쳗iFy9=wpIr.՛'.fy)m}U y̶_R8I<{ e&v:d;{?Pțy7#tt l%|F1JiW?d&[a ޟH&*> v0SX?z 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