1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,210 --> 00:00:08,958 - As I worked with women on their marriages, 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,898 you know, it was like, "Hey, Lucille, can I talk to you?" 5 00:00:11,940 --> 00:00:12,895 And I would sit down and say, 6 00:00:12,937 --> 00:00:14,637 "Yes, you know, what's going on?" 7 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:19,255 What really would be upsetting to me is women would say, 8 00:00:19,297 --> 00:00:21,528 "Oh, we stopped having sex." 9 00:00:21,570 --> 00:00:23,208 Like at first I was just shocked 10 00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:25,788 'cause it's not something I ever heard about. 11 00:00:25,830 --> 00:00:27,318 And I thought that that happened 12 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:28,998 when you stopped being married. 13 00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,818 But then I realized, no, people are married 14 00:00:31,860 --> 00:00:33,378 and they're not being intimate. 15 00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:36,648 And I was like, "Whoa, this is unbelievable." 16 00:00:36,690 --> 00:00:39,738 And so I just kept talking to more and more women about it, 17 00:00:39,780 --> 00:00:41,688 and I got to the bottom line of. 18 00:00:41,730 --> 00:00:42,828 Most of the time it was 19 00:00:42,870 --> 00:00:45,198 because they were having intimacy struggles, 20 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,973 and I just knew I needed to write a book about that. 21 00:00:48,824 --> 00:00:51,574 (dramatic music) 22 00:01:18,205 --> 00:01:21,788 (dramatic music continues) 23 00:01:27,936 --> 00:01:29,148 I am Lucille Williams. 24 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,708 I'm an author. 25 00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:32,538 I wrote "The Intimacy You Crave: 26 00:01:32,580 --> 00:01:36,211 Straight Talk about Sex and Pancakes." 27 00:01:36,253 --> 00:01:39,003 (dramatic music) 28 00:01:42,330 --> 00:01:45,798 I've been working with families in the church setting 29 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,508 for over 25 years. 30 00:01:47,550 --> 00:01:48,933 My husband's a pastor. 31 00:01:49,830 --> 00:01:53,801 Why should someone take sex advice from a pastor's wife? 32 00:01:53,843 --> 00:01:56,208 That's quite a good question. 33 00:01:56,250 --> 00:02:00,288 Because in the church, we talk a lot to young people 34 00:02:00,330 --> 00:02:02,988 and we tell them, "No, don't do this. 35 00:02:03,030 --> 00:02:04,938 Stay away from this. Stay pure. 36 00:02:04,980 --> 00:02:06,738 You know, run from all this." 37 00:02:06,780 --> 00:02:09,415 But then when people get married, we don't say, 38 00:02:09,457 --> 00:02:11,838 "Okay, now knock yourself out." 39 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:13,008 We don't say that. 40 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,778 And so when you have a pastor's wife 41 00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:16,458 that's saying, "It's okay. 42 00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:17,291 It's all right to do this. 43 00:02:17,333 --> 00:02:20,298 It's okay to enjoy your physical relationship." 44 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:22,789 I think it matters to people. 45 00:02:22,831 --> 00:02:24,858 (dramatic music) 46 00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:28,008 There was one Sunday morning where I was sitting down 47 00:02:28,050 --> 00:02:28,998 with this little girl. 48 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:31,248 She was in a small group that I was leading. 49 00:02:31,290 --> 00:02:34,668 And the question was, "When was the last time you felt joy? 50 00:02:34,710 --> 00:02:37,188 When was the last time you were happy?" 51 00:02:37,230 --> 00:02:39,978 And all the kids had different answers of course, 52 00:02:40,020 --> 00:02:42,078 but this one little sweet little girl, 53 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,818 who was about six years old, 54 00:02:43,860 --> 00:02:45,205 looked at me and she said, 55 00:02:45,247 --> 00:02:48,288 "I haven't felt happy in a really long time. 56 00:02:48,330 --> 00:02:50,928 My parents are going through a divorce 57 00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:53,478 and I just don't feel happy." 58 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,038 I was like, "Oh." 59 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,948 And so it just gives me a passion to help the family 60 00:02:57,990 --> 00:02:59,358 because when you work with kids, 61 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,808 the best way you can help a child is to help their parents 62 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:06,468 and to give their parents tools to thrive in their marriage. 63 00:03:06,510 --> 00:03:09,198 Because when a couple is thriving in their marriage, 64 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:13,814 the kids feel secure and they have a happy home to be in. 65 00:03:13,856 --> 00:03:14,658 (dramatic music) 66 00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:19,278 I'm on a quest to help people safeguard their marriages. 67 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:23,028 And to me, the best way to safeguard your marriage 68 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,788 is to, in your mind, if you're married, 69 00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,918 to always be willing to have some physical fun 70 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,255 with your spouse. 71 00:03:29,297 --> 00:03:32,047 (dramatic music) 72 00:03:35,130 --> 00:03:38,538 If you know you're gonna be physical with somebody, 73 00:03:38,580 --> 00:03:40,128 you don't wanna get mad at them. 74 00:03:40,170 --> 00:03:41,125 If you put in your mind, 75 00:03:41,167 --> 00:03:44,028 "Okay, I'm always going to be willing 76 00:03:44,070 --> 00:03:47,058 to have physical enjoyment with my spouse," 77 00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:48,738 if that's just part of your DNA 78 00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:50,988 and you know on a daily basis 79 00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:54,948 that that is gonna be a standard you're going to hold to, 80 00:03:54,990 --> 00:03:57,685 then if you start fighting with them, you're like, 81 00:03:57,727 --> 00:03:59,808 "Okay, I need to fix this quick 82 00:03:59,850 --> 00:04:02,988 because if I'm gonna hold to my standard, 83 00:04:03,030 --> 00:04:04,788 I'm gonna want to want to be with them. 84 00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:05,868 And if I'm mad at them, 85 00:04:05,910 --> 00:04:07,338 I'm not gonna wanna be with them." 86 00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:09,168 You're gonna shift your thinking. 87 00:04:09,210 --> 00:04:12,048 You're not gonna let little annoyances 88 00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:15,468 get in the way of enjoying your spouse. 89 00:04:15,510 --> 00:04:17,208 When you see something on the floor, 90 00:04:17,250 --> 00:04:18,738 you're not going to be (grunting). 91 00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:21,108 You switch it to, "Thank you God for a man 92 00:04:21,150 --> 00:04:23,628 who can leave their socks on the floor." 93 00:04:23,670 --> 00:04:25,578 Because really, so what? There's socks on the floor. 94 00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:28,278 You know, people get all caught up about things 95 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:29,568 that just make you mad. 96 00:04:29,610 --> 00:04:32,028 So if you know you're gonna be physical, 97 00:04:32,070 --> 00:04:34,008 then you're gonna be looking for good. 98 00:04:34,050 --> 00:04:37,698 You're gonna be fixing conflict really fast. 99 00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:40,488 You're not gonna let bitterness take its root. 100 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:44,418 As soon as bitterness takes a root in a marriage, 101 00:04:44,460 --> 00:04:47,388 oh, it's hard to get past that. 102 00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:51,288 But if you're continually every day fixing the problems, 103 00:04:51,330 --> 00:04:53,838 treating them the best you can, 104 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:58,098 looking to solve disagreements as quickly as possible, 105 00:04:58,140 --> 00:05:01,518 and if your goal is to want to be physical with them, 106 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,198 then you're gonna fix all the problems 107 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,488 that come up every day. 108 00:05:04,530 --> 00:05:06,171 You're not gonna just put it on the back burner and go, 109 00:05:06,213 --> 00:05:07,128 "Oh, no big deal. 110 00:05:07,170 --> 00:05:08,178 We'll worry about that later." 111 00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:09,011 No. 112 00:05:09,053 --> 00:05:11,748 Because if one of you wants to get physical that day 113 00:05:11,790 --> 00:05:13,668 and you've got this grudge, 114 00:05:13,710 --> 00:05:15,270 then you're not gonna want to. 115 00:05:15,312 --> 00:05:18,062 (dramatic music) 116 00:05:21,270 --> 00:05:24,318 In the Bible, it talks about two become one, 117 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,898 that two become one flesh. 118 00:05:26,940 --> 00:05:28,548 And I think that that is referring 119 00:05:28,590 --> 00:05:31,668 to the union of husband and wife. 120 00:05:31,710 --> 00:05:35,508 And it says a cord of three strands isn't easily broken, 121 00:05:35,550 --> 00:05:37,218 and that's true. 122 00:05:37,260 --> 00:05:41,628 And when people get married, they're bonded to each other. 123 00:05:41,670 --> 00:05:43,848 But I think sometimes what people forget 124 00:05:43,890 --> 00:05:47,478 is we need to be two separate individual people 125 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,758 that want to be together. 126 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:53,238 If we are getting married and we think that the other person 127 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:55,705 is going to fulfill all of our desires, 128 00:05:55,747 --> 00:05:56,988 "They're gonna make me happy. 129 00:05:57,030 --> 00:05:59,358 They're gonna give me all the things I need." 130 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,525 And then you go into marriage thinking, 131 00:06:01,567 --> 00:06:05,358 "Oh, the idea of marriage is to get what I need from this. 132 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:06,888 And you know, we're one flesh, 133 00:06:06,930 --> 00:06:10,068 so you need to give me what I need." 134 00:06:10,110 --> 00:06:12,348 And I don't think that's the case at all. 135 00:06:12,390 --> 00:06:14,688 God talks about us being individuals. 136 00:06:14,730 --> 00:06:18,078 We're individual people who choose each other. 137 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,308 We're a whole person. 138 00:06:19,350 --> 00:06:21,618 We don't need our spouse to be whole. 139 00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:24,677 The whole idea, "You complete me," 140 00:06:24,719 --> 00:06:27,108 I don't really buy into that. 141 00:06:27,150 --> 00:06:28,308 I mean, we can feel that way. 142 00:06:28,350 --> 00:06:29,875 When we fall in love, we feel that way. 143 00:06:29,917 --> 00:06:31,038 "Oh, you complete me. 144 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,648 I've been looking for you my whole life and all of that." 145 00:06:33,690 --> 00:06:36,498 But you know, later down the road, 146 00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:38,448 it's the ins and outs of marriage. 147 00:06:38,490 --> 00:06:40,098 It's the conflict you need to resolve. 148 00:06:40,140 --> 00:06:41,628 It's the bill that didn't get paid. 149 00:06:41,670 --> 00:06:43,158 It's who forgot to do this, you know. 150 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:46,248 He trips over your shoes, that happens at my house. 151 00:06:46,290 --> 00:06:48,078 And you got to resolve those things. 152 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:52,698 So yes, the two become one, but it's two separate people 153 00:06:52,740 --> 00:06:55,518 who get filled from God, not from each other. 154 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,908 You get filled from God and then you pour on each other 155 00:06:58,950 --> 00:07:00,753 what God has filled you with. 156 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,015 My mother used to always say to me, 157 00:07:07,057 --> 00:07:09,408 "I better not catch you kissing any boys." 158 00:07:09,450 --> 00:07:13,248 And so I always looked at any physicalness 159 00:07:13,290 --> 00:07:16,488 with a boy or a man that that was wrong 160 00:07:16,530 --> 00:07:18,738 and that was guilt provoking, 161 00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:23,133 and it was shameful to want to have those kind of desires. 162 00:07:25,020 --> 00:07:27,438 But God made us for connectedness. 163 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:28,271 That was normal. 164 00:07:28,313 --> 00:07:29,778 I didn't know that as a kid. 165 00:07:29,820 --> 00:07:32,778 I thought those desires were bad and wrong. 166 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:36,228 And even when I got married, I thought it was wrong. 167 00:07:36,270 --> 00:07:39,468 Even after getting married, I thought, "This wasn't okay." 168 00:07:39,510 --> 00:07:40,998 But I mean, it was part of marriage, 169 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:42,678 so I felt like it was okay, 170 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,378 but there was guilt that went along with it, 171 00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:47,748 and that's not a good thing in your marriage. 172 00:07:47,790 --> 00:07:50,508 And about five years into our marriage, 173 00:07:50,550 --> 00:07:52,578 my husband and I both became Christians, 174 00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:57,620 and then that was when I realized that God says, "It's okay. 175 00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,088 It's okay to have sex. 176 00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:01,338 It's okay to enjoy that part of your life. 177 00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:04,458 It's okay to enjoy that part of your marriage." 178 00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:06,348 I didn't know that. 179 00:08:06,390 --> 00:08:08,875 Before being a Christian, I was like, 180 00:08:08,917 --> 00:08:10,938 "Okay, it's fun and I like it." 181 00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:12,768 But I walked away with a sense of guilt, 182 00:08:12,810 --> 00:08:15,648 like you're not supposed to have a good time in that area. 183 00:08:15,690 --> 00:08:18,138 But then the more I got to know God, 184 00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:21,348 the more my sex life got better. 185 00:08:21,390 --> 00:08:22,578 And the more I enjoyed 186 00:08:22,620 --> 00:08:26,988 and the more I allowed myself to just fall into that 187 00:08:27,030 --> 00:08:29,418 and just fully be okay with it. 188 00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:31,758 And so the closer I got with God, 189 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,826 the better our physical relationship got. 190 00:08:34,868 --> 00:08:36,558 (lively music) 191 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:41,600 Sometimes people hold to the belief that God is against sex, 192 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,518 and he's not. 193 00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:46,128 That is just so unfounded. 194 00:08:46,170 --> 00:08:48,258 God created sex. 195 00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:51,378 He's the one that that's the way you have children. 196 00:08:51,420 --> 00:08:52,728 That's the way you connect. 197 00:08:52,770 --> 00:08:54,738 It says right from the Garden of Eden 198 00:08:54,780 --> 00:08:57,288 that Adam and Eve were together and they weren't ashamed. 199 00:08:57,330 --> 00:08:59,958 They were naked and they were not ashamed. 200 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,298 Who wrote that? God wrote that. 201 00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:04,098 God's the one that created it, 202 00:09:04,140 --> 00:09:07,908 and yet we think that somehow God is against sex. 203 00:09:07,950 --> 00:09:10,878 I remember my husband became a pastor about midlife. 204 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,828 And there was someone who... 205 00:09:12,870 --> 00:09:13,661 He owned restaurants. 206 00:09:13,703 --> 00:09:14,494 And there was someone 207 00:09:14,536 --> 00:09:15,678 who used to come to our restaurant all the time 208 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:18,498 and he said, "I'm gonna be moving on from this 209 00:09:18,540 --> 00:09:19,998 because I'm becoming a pastor. 210 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:20,928 I'm a pastor now." 211 00:09:20,970 --> 00:09:24,018 And the guy said, "Oh, well, there goes your sex life." 212 00:09:24,060 --> 00:09:26,575 And we just kind of chuckled because it's like, 213 00:09:26,617 --> 00:09:28,865 "No, not at all." 214 00:09:28,907 --> 00:09:32,988 That's just just an ignorant belief. 215 00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:36,258 If you study your Bible, throughout the Bible, 216 00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:38,238 there's stuff that you don't wanna read with your grandma. 217 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:39,678 I mean, it's there. 218 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,628 From Genesis to Revelation, 219 00:09:41,670 --> 00:09:44,988 there are multiple verses about sex. 220 00:09:45,030 --> 00:09:47,502 If you just Google sex in the Bible, 221 00:09:47,544 --> 00:09:50,268 you'll get a whole list. 222 00:09:50,310 --> 00:09:53,268 I mean, Song of Solomon is our, you know, biggest example. 223 00:09:53,310 --> 00:09:56,388 I mean, it's imbibe lovers. 224 00:09:56,430 --> 00:10:01,371 I mean, lovers and fruit and all these erotic things, 225 00:10:01,413 --> 00:10:02,808 it's in the Bible. 226 00:10:02,850 --> 00:10:05,838 If you read it and you really look at what it says, 227 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,938 you can't help but blush. 228 00:10:07,980 --> 00:10:09,288 There's a lot of things in there 229 00:10:09,330 --> 00:10:10,938 about intimacy and connecting. 230 00:10:10,980 --> 00:10:12,858 And if you really dig in, 231 00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:16,878 the Bible will be your manual for intimacy. 232 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,278 So, God's not afraid to talk about sex. 233 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,448 God's not afraid to give us information about sex 234 00:10:22,490 --> 00:10:23,478 in the Bible. 235 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,778 And we shouldn't be slow about reading them 236 00:10:26,820 --> 00:10:29,478 and letting them sink in and letting God guide us 237 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,163 in that area, like all the other areas in our life. 238 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,728 In churches, one of the things everybody knows 239 00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:39,888 is you just don't talk about sex. 240 00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:42,108 If you want to get a whole room of people going (gasping), 241 00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:46,158 just use the word sex and you get a reaction in the room. 242 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:50,508 And that's really sad because we talk about marriage. 243 00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:54,468 And the thing that is most distinctive in marriage 244 00:10:54,510 --> 00:10:56,868 is that you're physical with that person. 245 00:10:56,910 --> 00:11:00,078 You can do everything else with anyone else, 246 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:04,278 but that intimacy is only for your spouse. 247 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,088 So if we're gonna have strong and healthy marriages, 248 00:11:08,130 --> 00:11:11,718 we need to help people keep their intimacy strong 249 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,789 and keep their connection strong. 250 00:11:13,831 --> 00:11:15,858 (dramatic music) 251 00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:18,048 A lot of times kids in the church, 252 00:11:18,090 --> 00:11:20,028 when they first hear about sex, 253 00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:22,518 it's from a friend who slipped up 254 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,738 with their boyfriend or girlfriend, 255 00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:28,638 and that's the story they hear and what happened. 256 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:33,153 And that's just not the way God designed it. 257 00:11:34,020 --> 00:11:36,558 I mean, it's supposed to be magical and mystical, 258 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,618 and it's one of the most wonderful things 259 00:11:39,660 --> 00:11:42,228 that as humans we can experience. 260 00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:43,758 And when you're married 261 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,428 and you're vowed to be with that person 262 00:11:46,470 --> 00:11:49,368 and you know they're committed to you, 263 00:11:49,410 --> 00:11:51,948 that makes it just trust. 264 00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:55,938 Without trust in a marriage, the intimacy is gonna wane. 265 00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:57,168 It's not gonna be as good. 266 00:11:57,210 --> 00:12:00,208 We need to have a foundation of trust 267 00:12:00,250 --> 00:12:04,128 and just being able to be with each other 268 00:12:04,170 --> 00:12:06,948 and having trust that that person 269 00:12:06,990 --> 00:12:09,228 has your best interest at heart, 270 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:13,125 that's when we can fully embrace our relationship. 271 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,917 (dramatic music) 272 00:12:18,870 --> 00:12:20,688 Communication, good communication, 273 00:12:20,730 --> 00:12:21,888 is critical in a marriage. 274 00:12:21,930 --> 00:12:22,818 Everybody knows that. 275 00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:26,088 People say marriages will rise and fall on communication. 276 00:12:26,130 --> 00:12:31,130 What we forget is it doesn't matter what we say to someone. 277 00:12:31,260 --> 00:12:34,098 What matters is what they hear. 278 00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:36,228 'Cause you can say loving things, 279 00:12:36,270 --> 00:12:38,178 but if they're hearing criticism, 280 00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:40,278 it doesn't really matter what you said 281 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,918 because this is what they heard. 282 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,748 So we can say things, 283 00:12:44,790 --> 00:12:46,285 but then we need to check back and say, 284 00:12:46,327 --> 00:12:48,288 "What did you hear?" 285 00:12:48,330 --> 00:12:49,818 And then let them tell us back. 286 00:12:49,860 --> 00:12:53,005 It's like the ordering, when you go through a drive-through, 287 00:12:53,047 --> 00:12:54,505 "Hi, I'd like some fries." 288 00:12:54,547 --> 00:12:56,275 "Okay, you want fries? Do you want anything else?" 289 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,145 "I want a Coke with it." 290 00:12:57,187 --> 00:12:58,518 "Okay, what do you want with the coke? 291 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,018 You want a Coke with ice or no ice?" 292 00:13:00,060 --> 00:13:01,848 You know, they repeat it back to you. 293 00:13:01,890 --> 00:13:05,268 And we forget as couples that that's a really good tool. 294 00:13:05,310 --> 00:13:07,025 You say something and then ask, 295 00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:09,018 "Okay, what did you hear me say?" 296 00:13:09,060 --> 00:13:10,548 And oftentimes, my husband and I 297 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:11,748 still get caught up with that. 298 00:13:11,790 --> 00:13:14,665 I'll say something and he gets offended, and I'll be like, 299 00:13:14,707 --> 00:13:15,775 "What did you just hear me say?" 300 00:13:15,817 --> 00:13:16,608 "Well, you said this." 301 00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:17,455 "No, I didn't say that." 302 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,015 "Yes, you did. Okay, well say it again." 303 00:13:19,057 --> 00:13:20,328 "Okay, well, this is what I said." 304 00:13:20,370 --> 00:13:21,228 And then he doesn't hear me. 305 00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:22,225 And then we go back and forth. 306 00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:23,125 "Well, this is what I said." 307 00:13:23,167 --> 00:13:25,548 "Well, what did you say? This is what I heard." 308 00:13:25,590 --> 00:13:27,678 And even after all these years of marriage, 309 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:29,718 we still have those conversations. 310 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:31,075 But you need to check back and go, 311 00:13:31,117 --> 00:13:32,637 "Okay, what did you hear?" 312 00:13:33,660 --> 00:13:35,298 There was one time I asked him, 313 00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:37,885 I was feeling really insecure one day, and I said, 314 00:13:37,927 --> 00:13:39,048 "Do you love me?" 315 00:13:39,090 --> 00:13:42,288 And he said, "I come home, don't I?" 316 00:13:42,330 --> 00:13:44,478 I was like, "Well, yeah, of course you come home. 317 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:45,828 Your garage is here. 318 00:13:45,870 --> 00:13:47,928 You love your garage, where are you gonna go?" 319 00:13:47,970 --> 00:13:50,778 And so, I was kind of hurt, but I didn't say anything. 320 00:13:50,820 --> 00:13:53,058 And so, I let days go by. 321 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,255 I think it went up to about two weeks and I finally thought, 322 00:13:55,297 --> 00:13:56,842 "I got to ask him about this 323 00:13:56,884 --> 00:13:58,035 'cause this is really just gnawing at me." 324 00:13:58,077 --> 00:14:00,840 And so I went back to him and I said, 325 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,328 "You know, I asked you if you love me 326 00:14:02,370 --> 00:14:03,768 and you said you come home. 327 00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,928 And that really hurt my feelings." 328 00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:07,758 He said, "Honey, you don't understand." 329 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,978 He goes, "There's lots of things I could do. 330 00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:11,478 I want to come home. 331 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,028 Every day, I can't wait to come home to you. 332 00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:16,398 I want to come home." 333 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,558 And I was like, "Oh." 334 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:21,678 That was one of the best compliments he'd ever given me. 335 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,558 He was telling me how much he loves to come home to me. 336 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,598 You know, again, it's what you hear, 337 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,518 not what is said a lot of times. 338 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,978 (playful music) 339 00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:33,794 Is sex that important to a healthy marriage? 340 00:14:33,836 --> 00:14:35,757 That I say yes. 341 00:14:35,799 --> 00:14:38,966 (typewriter clanking) 342 00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:42,648 When I write about intimacy and sex, 343 00:14:42,690 --> 00:14:47,058 I will often use euphemisms instead of the word sex. 344 00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,581 Because just to say sex over and over and over, 345 00:14:49,623 --> 00:14:52,818 it's so much easier to say shrimpin' the barbie, 346 00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:56,268 or baking the lasagna, or you know, polka dancing, 347 00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:57,948 or whatever you wanna call it. 348 00:14:57,990 --> 00:14:59,538 (lively jazz music) 349 00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:03,168 Making bacon, basket making, baking the potato, 350 00:15:03,210 --> 00:15:07,578 bedroom rodeo, washing clothes, sweaty yoga, 351 00:15:07,620 --> 00:15:12,168 jousting, buttering the biscuit, playing poker, 352 00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:15,798 joint session of Congress, churning butter, 353 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:19,158 moving furniture, matrimonial polka, 354 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:24,048 driving Miss Daisy, monster mash, interior decorating, 355 00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,680 parallel parking, monkey business. 356 00:15:26,722 --> 00:15:30,288 (Lucille laughing) (lively jazz music) 357 00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,328 you know, as I reread my own materials, 358 00:15:32,370 --> 00:15:33,588 sometimes I really blush. 359 00:15:33,630 --> 00:15:35,774 I'm like, "I can't believe I wrote this stuff. 360 00:15:35,816 --> 00:15:37,814 What did I write here?" 361 00:15:37,856 --> 00:15:40,689 (live jazz music) 362 00:15:43,871 --> 00:15:44,662 (cork popping) 363 00:15:44,704 --> 00:15:48,348 (air whooshing) (dramatic music) 364 00:15:48,390 --> 00:15:50,508 You know, orgasms are a part of sex. 365 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:54,588 It's just part of the sexual encounter. 366 00:15:54,630 --> 00:15:58,398 And you know, sometimes couples don't understand 367 00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,988 the way the other person works. 368 00:16:00,030 --> 00:16:01,848 I mean, our bodies are different. 369 00:16:01,890 --> 00:16:04,495 And a lot of times we approach our intimacy thinking, 370 00:16:04,537 --> 00:16:06,198 "Well, this is what I would want." 371 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,478 But what they want is different than what you want 372 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,878 because what a woman wants and what a man wants 373 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,278 are completely different things, because we're different 374 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,693 and our bodies are designed differently. 375 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,908 Usually what a woman wants is gentleness, 376 00:16:19,950 --> 00:16:22,998 and feeling cherished, and loved, 377 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:25,908 and just delicateness. 378 00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:27,468 That's usually what women want. 379 00:16:27,510 --> 00:16:28,398 Not always. 380 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,278 Some women, you know, maybe are a little different, 381 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,538 and that's okay too. 382 00:16:32,580 --> 00:16:35,358 But men, usually what makes them happy 383 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,078 is responsiveness from their mate. 384 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,238 We think as women that they're fine. 385 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,728 As long as they're getting sex, then they're happy. 386 00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:47,778 No, if they don't feel like you're responding to them, 387 00:16:47,820 --> 00:16:49,908 they're not being fulfilled. 388 00:16:49,950 --> 00:16:51,708 And women forget that sometimes. 389 00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:53,238 Like they wanna know, 390 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,608 that he wants to know he's making you happy. 391 00:16:55,650 --> 00:16:58,788 And if that's not happening, he doesn't feel fulfilled. 392 00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:00,858 You know, we think men walk away from the bedroom 393 00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:02,088 and they're just always fulfilled. 394 00:17:02,130 --> 00:17:03,018 No, they're not. 395 00:17:03,060 --> 00:17:07,608 If we're not responding to them, they're probably not happy. 396 00:17:07,650 --> 00:17:09,258 So, their level of happiness 397 00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:13,788 is based upon their wife's level of happiness. 398 00:17:13,830 --> 00:17:16,128 And so if you express to them that you're happy 399 00:17:16,170 --> 00:17:18,018 and you respond to them, 400 00:17:18,060 --> 00:17:20,793 that's what's going to give him the biggest charge. 401 00:17:24,390 --> 00:17:28,518 If a wife is not satisfied, I put that on her. 402 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,438 I don't put that on him 403 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:34,818 because he's only doing what you're responding to him doing. 404 00:17:34,860 --> 00:17:37,458 Like, you have to let him know. 405 00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,889 If you're not letting him know what you like, 406 00:17:39,931 --> 00:17:43,338 there's no way he can know because every woman is different. 407 00:17:43,380 --> 00:17:46,488 And a lot of times with women, every day is different. 408 00:17:46,530 --> 00:17:48,858 What worked on one day is not gonna work on another day. 409 00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,478 And guys don't get that. 410 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,283 Like men, their bodies are pretty standard. 411 00:17:54,570 --> 00:17:56,508 Sometimes women will say, "Oh, he's boring. 412 00:17:56,550 --> 00:17:57,798 It's the same old thing." 413 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,288 Well, if it's the same old thing for you, 414 00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:02,628 then change it up because you're there too. 415 00:18:02,670 --> 00:18:04,068 You can't put the finger on him. 416 00:18:04,110 --> 00:18:05,218 You're there as much as he is. 417 00:18:05,260 --> 00:18:08,808 So if it's boring, you got to take ownership for that. 418 00:18:08,850 --> 00:18:11,688 So if a wife is not satisfied 419 00:18:11,730 --> 00:18:14,418 in their physical relationship with their husband, 420 00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:15,528 that's on them. 421 00:18:15,570 --> 00:18:17,898 And so when you do talk to them about it, 422 00:18:17,940 --> 00:18:19,735 you need to communicate that and say, 423 00:18:19,777 --> 00:18:21,648 "Hey, I know this is me. 424 00:18:21,690 --> 00:18:23,058 I need to figure this out, 425 00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:26,778 and I'm asking you to help me figure this out," 426 00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:29,088 rather than "You are not doing what I want 427 00:18:29,130 --> 00:18:30,168 and you are boring. 428 00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:31,998 It's always the same thing." 429 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,878 You know that's not the way to approach that conversation. 430 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:38,298 The way to approach it is, "I'm struggling with this. 431 00:18:38,340 --> 00:18:39,408 I know it's me. 432 00:18:39,450 --> 00:18:40,878 I know I need to work on this, 433 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,398 but I wanna work on this together. 434 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,938 So, can you help me with this and can we make this better? 435 00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:50,388 Because I need to communicate to you what I need, 436 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,080 and I haven't been good at that." 437 00:18:52,950 --> 00:18:55,038 A healthy way to express how you're feeling 438 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:59,778 is "I." I feel like, and then whatever it is. 439 00:18:59,820 --> 00:19:04,518 But if we say, "You did this and you didn't do that for me, 440 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,528 and you said this, and you don't care, 441 00:19:06,570 --> 00:19:09,618 and you're being mean," and things like that, 442 00:19:09,660 --> 00:19:11,508 that's not a conversation you could work with. 443 00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:14,418 It's mutual respect. 444 00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:16,878 You just sit down, you have a conversation. 445 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,158 You say, "Hey, can we talk about this?" 446 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,118 That's another thing. 447 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:24,505 Don't just assault them with, 448 00:19:24,547 --> 00:19:25,818 "Hey, I wanna talk about this." 449 00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:27,145 No, make a time to do it. 450 00:19:27,187 --> 00:19:31,128 "Hey, I'd really like to talk about our intimacy. 451 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:34,458 I'd like to talk about our sex life." 452 00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:37,608 And then make a time to sit down and talk about it. 453 00:19:37,650 --> 00:19:39,078 And right then might be good. 454 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,675 They might go, "Yeah, let's talk about it right now." 455 00:19:40,717 --> 00:19:41,838 "Okay, great. Let's sit down. 456 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:42,671 Let's talk about it." 457 00:19:42,713 --> 00:19:44,268 And do it in a respectful way. 458 00:19:44,310 --> 00:19:46,488 So when people are having struggles in this area 459 00:19:46,530 --> 00:19:47,598 and they've come to me, 460 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:50,088 normally I need to just kind of coach them 461 00:19:50,130 --> 00:19:52,548 with how to approach that situation. 462 00:19:52,590 --> 00:19:54,528 Because sometimes with a wife, 463 00:19:54,570 --> 00:19:55,848 you'll sit down with their husband 464 00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:58,278 and they wanna talk about it and he's embarrassed. 465 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,048 I mean, you think most guys aren't embarrassed about it, 466 00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:01,758 but they are, 'cause now you're talking about something 467 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,738 that's really sensitive to them. 468 00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:06,468 This matters to most husbands, 469 00:20:06,510 --> 00:20:09,168 how their wife perceives their intimacy 470 00:20:09,210 --> 00:20:11,388 and their sexual relationship. 471 00:20:11,430 --> 00:20:13,578 So just the thought of her wanting to talk about it 472 00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:15,258 can kind of make him shy away. 473 00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:18,768 So, he might make jokes or he could get mad 474 00:20:18,810 --> 00:20:20,388 because he just doesn't know how to deal with it. 475 00:20:20,430 --> 00:20:22,128 So you bring it up, 476 00:20:22,170 --> 00:20:24,528 you let him respond however he's gonna respond, 477 00:20:24,570 --> 00:20:25,758 whether it's in a negative way, 478 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,278 in a way that is hard for the wife to handle, 479 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,548 and then let him get past it and then bring it up again. 480 00:20:31,590 --> 00:20:33,138 You know, "Can we talk about this? 481 00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:34,908 You know, I'm not saying, 482 00:20:34,950 --> 00:20:37,068 you know, I love you and I love our marriage, 483 00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,478 and I want things to be great. 484 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,968 I just feel like we need to talk about this subject." 485 00:20:41,010 --> 00:20:43,218 So give him time to warm up to the idea 486 00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:44,208 about talking about it. 487 00:20:44,250 --> 00:20:46,405 Some men want to jump right, they're fine. 488 00:20:46,447 --> 00:20:47,448 "Yeah, let's talk about it. 489 00:20:47,490 --> 00:20:48,468 Tell me," you know? 490 00:20:48,510 --> 00:20:52,278 Because I mean, at the end of the day, a man is a man. 491 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,228 They don't have a female body. 492 00:20:54,270 --> 00:20:55,518 They don't know how it works. 493 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:56,351 They have to learn. 494 00:20:56,393 --> 00:21:01,188 And then even stranger is each woman is different. 495 00:21:01,230 --> 00:21:04,518 So even a man who's experienced in that area 496 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:08,448 may not know how to have a good healthy relationship 497 00:21:08,490 --> 00:21:11,298 with his wife, because every woman is different. 498 00:21:11,340 --> 00:21:12,738 What one woman absolutely loves, 499 00:21:12,780 --> 00:21:14,598 another one will absolutely hate. 500 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,128 So, you have to learn each other. 501 00:21:16,170 --> 00:21:17,208 And how do you do that? 502 00:21:17,250 --> 00:21:18,438 You have to work at it, 503 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,088 like any other part in your marriage. 504 00:21:20,130 --> 00:21:23,238 You can't just ignore that physical relationship. 505 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,248 It takes work. 506 00:21:25,290 --> 00:21:27,138 But if you do the work, 507 00:21:27,180 --> 00:21:29,343 that's when the magic's gonna happen. 508 00:21:29,385 --> 00:21:32,385 (singing in German) 509 00:21:37,968 --> 00:21:42,009 (singing in German continues) (bottle popping) 510 00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:45,884 (singing in German continues) 511 00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:55,027 (singing in German continues) (fireworks booming) 512 00:21:55,069 --> 00:21:58,886 (singing in German continues) (water sloshing) 513 00:21:58,928 --> 00:22:03,928 (singing in German continues) (fireworks squeaking) 514 00:22:05,010 --> 00:22:07,593 (solemn music) 515 00:22:08,532 --> 00:22:10,525 Usually when I sit down with someone, I just say, 516 00:22:10,567 --> 00:22:11,868 "Tell me what's going on. 517 00:22:11,910 --> 00:22:14,268 Talk to me about what's going on in your marriage." 518 00:22:14,310 --> 00:22:17,448 Inevitably, if it's a female, 519 00:22:17,490 --> 00:22:21,305 they just can go on and on and on about the grievances. 520 00:22:21,347 --> 00:22:23,930 (solemn music) 521 00:22:25,740 --> 00:22:28,128 There was one time where I was picking up one of my kids 522 00:22:28,170 --> 00:22:30,588 at the airport and someone needed to talk to me, 523 00:22:30,630 --> 00:22:31,878 so I timed it with my drive 524 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,098 because I knew it was going to be about two hours. 525 00:22:34,140 --> 00:22:35,388 And so I got her on the phone. 526 00:22:35,430 --> 00:22:37,128 I said, "Okay, tell me what's going on." 527 00:22:37,170 --> 00:22:38,545 And she just went on and on. 528 00:22:38,587 --> 00:22:40,908 "Well, he doesn't do this and this is happening. 529 00:22:40,950 --> 00:22:42,858 And he's mean about this." 530 00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:44,325 You know, just on and on. 531 00:22:44,367 --> 00:22:46,735 And I pulled into a parking lot and I said, 532 00:22:46,777 --> 00:22:50,718 "Okay, now tell me something good about him. 533 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,808 Tell me what do you like about this man." 534 00:22:53,850 --> 00:22:56,418 And she started naming some things off. 535 00:22:56,460 --> 00:23:00,354 And each one trumped all the negative things she was saying. 536 00:23:00,396 --> 00:23:01,187 "He's a good man." 537 00:23:01,229 --> 00:23:02,020 "Okay, he's a good man." 538 00:23:02,062 --> 00:23:03,205 "He's good with the kids." 539 00:23:03,247 --> 00:23:04,038 "Okay." 540 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:04,885 "He comes home every night." 541 00:23:04,927 --> 00:23:05,718 "All right." 542 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:06,655 "He works hard." 543 00:23:06,697 --> 00:23:07,488 "Okay." 544 00:23:07,530 --> 00:23:09,175 "He goes to church." 545 00:23:09,217 --> 00:23:10,105 "All right." 546 00:23:10,147 --> 00:23:12,805 "He's faithful in his small group." 547 00:23:12,847 --> 00:23:13,638 "Okay." 548 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,055 "He serves at church." 549 00:23:15,097 --> 00:23:15,888 "All right, great." 550 00:23:15,930 --> 00:23:17,485 "He has a great reputation at church." 551 00:23:17,527 --> 00:23:18,618 "All right, good. 552 00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:19,668 Keep telling me." 553 00:23:19,710 --> 00:23:20,501 And then I said, 554 00:23:20,543 --> 00:23:24,228 "Okay, so you have all these grievances about this man, 555 00:23:24,270 --> 00:23:25,518 but he's a good man. 556 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:27,798 He works hard. He's good with the kids. 557 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,478 He comes home at the end of the day. 558 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,568 It's like you got yourself a good man here. 559 00:23:32,610 --> 00:23:33,738 I've heard a lot of stories 560 00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:35,928 where they don't come home at the end of the day, 561 00:23:35,970 --> 00:23:37,278 where they don't go to church, 562 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:41,568 where they're not faithful in their service for the Lord." 563 00:23:41,610 --> 00:23:45,438 And so I had to point her to, "You have a good man here." 564 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:49,767 And then I'll always ask, "What's your sex life like?" 565 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:55,128 And oftentimes it'll be, "Oh, I cut him off. 566 00:23:55,170 --> 00:23:57,048 That's what I use for control," 567 00:23:57,090 --> 00:23:58,608 or, "Oh, that stopped," 568 00:23:58,650 --> 00:24:01,878 or on this particular airport conversation, 569 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:06,920 it was, "Well, I have this issue and I need to have surgery. 570 00:24:07,020 --> 00:24:09,927 And so it's painful, so we just don't have sex anymore." 571 00:24:10,909 --> 00:24:13,038 I'm thinking, "Okay. 572 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,198 Maybe this man's a little frustrated." 573 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:16,031 And I said, 574 00:24:16,073 --> 00:24:19,458 "Well, do you think maybe you could get that fixed?" 575 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:22,848 And she said, "Well, I could, but why does it matter?" 576 00:24:22,890 --> 00:24:25,465 And then we had to have a conversation about, 577 00:24:25,507 --> 00:24:26,688 "You're married. 578 00:24:26,730 --> 00:24:28,698 That's part of being married." 579 00:24:28,740 --> 00:24:30,978 I think people get married and they forget. 580 00:24:31,020 --> 00:24:33,708 You didn't just commit to be with this person, 581 00:24:33,750 --> 00:24:37,578 you committed to be with them physically. 582 00:24:37,620 --> 00:24:38,411 You made a vow. 583 00:24:38,453 --> 00:24:39,438 You stood before God. 584 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:40,488 You stood before people. 585 00:24:40,530 --> 00:24:41,658 You said, "I do." 586 00:24:41,700 --> 00:24:44,418 It's not just that you're gonna in the marriage. 587 00:24:44,460 --> 00:24:47,928 You're also committing to a physical relationship 588 00:24:47,970 --> 00:24:48,761 with this person. 589 00:24:48,803 --> 00:24:50,778 If you don't want to have a physical relationship 590 00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:52,788 with your spouse, don't get married. 591 00:24:52,830 --> 00:24:54,168 Just have friends. 592 00:24:54,210 --> 00:24:56,178 But to get married to someone 593 00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:59,118 and then not have a physical relationship with them, 594 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:00,378 that's torture. 595 00:25:00,420 --> 00:25:01,211 That's mean. 596 00:25:01,253 --> 00:25:03,168 Because if you're gonna follow the Bible, 597 00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:04,818 the Bible says you're only allowed to have sex 598 00:25:04,860 --> 00:25:06,138 with that one person, 599 00:25:06,180 --> 00:25:09,318 but you don't wanna do that in your relationship, 600 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:11,628 then what are you doing to that person? 601 00:25:11,670 --> 00:25:13,698 To me, that's one of the meanest things you can do 602 00:25:13,740 --> 00:25:14,778 to another person. 603 00:25:14,820 --> 00:25:18,348 And so sometimes, years into the marriage, 604 00:25:18,390 --> 00:25:20,185 people forget about that commitment. 605 00:25:20,227 --> 00:25:21,408 "Well, I don't like it anymore. 606 00:25:21,450 --> 00:25:23,298 It's not interesting. It's this." 607 00:25:23,340 --> 00:25:26,958 And they get so complacent about it. 608 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,608 It's like, "Wait a minute, 609 00:25:28,650 --> 00:25:31,728 like you need to fix this." 610 00:25:31,770 --> 00:25:33,895 And I remember I said to this lady, I said, 611 00:25:33,937 --> 00:25:36,655 "Can you have this surgery?" 612 00:25:36,697 --> 00:25:38,365 "Well, it's gonna cost money." 613 00:25:38,407 --> 00:25:40,248 "Well, I think if you have a talk 614 00:25:40,290 --> 00:25:41,598 with your husband about it, 615 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,778 maybe he'll be fine with laying out the cash for this." 616 00:25:44,820 --> 00:25:47,268 And she was like, "Oh, you think so?" 617 00:25:47,310 --> 00:25:49,458 I'm like, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure." 618 00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:51,595 And so by the time we got off the phone, she said, 619 00:25:51,637 --> 00:25:52,428 "Okay, thank you. 620 00:25:52,470 --> 00:25:53,508 You know what? 621 00:25:53,550 --> 00:25:55,933 I'm gonna talk to him about having that surgery." 622 00:25:55,975 --> 00:25:58,558 (solemn music) 623 00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:08,270 One of the worst culprits in women being free 624 00:26:08,490 --> 00:26:11,718 in their physical relationships with their spouse 625 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,538 oftentimes is past sexual abuse. 626 00:26:14,580 --> 00:26:17,538 So many women have sexual abuse in their past, 627 00:26:17,580 --> 00:26:19,488 and it's a tough thing to get past. 628 00:26:19,530 --> 00:26:23,478 And I think the first step is to recognize it. 629 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:25,105 When you recognize that, 630 00:26:25,147 --> 00:26:28,008 "Okay, this is triggering some things in me 631 00:26:28,050 --> 00:26:30,858 and I've got some baggage here with this," 632 00:26:30,900 --> 00:26:33,175 you need to recognize it and call it out. 633 00:26:33,217 --> 00:26:36,858 "Okay, this is what happened to me and I need to face it." 634 00:26:36,900 --> 00:26:39,378 And a lot of times it means getting some help, 635 00:26:39,420 --> 00:26:41,868 getting professional help, because that's real. 636 00:26:41,910 --> 00:26:44,065 I'm not gonna just gloss over it and go, 637 00:26:44,107 --> 00:26:46,488 "Oh, just forget about it and just move on." 638 00:26:46,530 --> 00:26:49,788 No, that's part of who you are. 639 00:26:49,830 --> 00:26:51,258 That is part of your past. 640 00:26:51,300 --> 00:26:53,328 And it's hard, and it's painful, 641 00:26:53,370 --> 00:26:56,928 and it's difficult to get past, but it's worth it. 642 00:26:56,970 --> 00:27:00,678 Because if we as women let sexual abuse from our past 643 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,328 stop us in our present, 644 00:27:02,370 --> 00:27:06,108 now the abuser didn't just mess with us as kids 645 00:27:06,150 --> 00:27:07,668 or whenever that happened, 646 00:27:07,710 --> 00:27:11,088 but now we're allowing them to mess with us now. 647 00:27:11,130 --> 00:27:13,278 And I know it's not a light subject 648 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:17,178 and I know it's not an easy road, but it can be tackled. 649 00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:19,968 And you could say, "Okay, what do I need to do to get help? 650 00:27:20,010 --> 00:27:22,488 What do I need to do to get past this?" 651 00:27:22,530 --> 00:27:25,548 And then recognize that, "Okay, I'm married now. 652 00:27:25,590 --> 00:27:27,438 This is a different situation." 653 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,725 Sometimes it just means in your brain going, 654 00:27:29,767 --> 00:27:32,988 "Okay, this is my husband and it's okay." 655 00:27:33,030 --> 00:27:35,658 And then just trying to get past that. 656 00:27:35,700 --> 00:27:37,788 But if it's ever stopping you, 657 00:27:37,830 --> 00:27:39,918 then you need to look into doing the work 658 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,032 of being able to get past it. 659 00:27:42,074 --> 00:27:44,657 (solemn music) 660 00:27:51,630 --> 00:27:55,428 When we get married, we bring all of our past with us. 661 00:27:55,470 --> 00:27:59,271 I know for my husband and I, we both had a lot of baggage. 662 00:27:59,313 --> 00:28:00,798 (solemn music) 663 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,745 Sometimes people get married and they're not recognizing, 664 00:28:03,787 --> 00:28:07,788 "Man, I've got some baggage that I need to address." 665 00:28:07,830 --> 00:28:10,218 And you don't recognize that. 666 00:28:10,260 --> 00:28:12,888 But no matter at what stage in your life you get married, 667 00:28:12,930 --> 00:28:14,178 you are bringing baggage. 668 00:28:14,220 --> 00:28:16,758 He's bringing baggage, she's bringing baggage, 669 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:18,378 and now you're trying to put it all together. 670 00:28:18,420 --> 00:28:19,908 So instead of it staying separate, 671 00:28:19,950 --> 00:28:21,888 now you've got hers, his, 672 00:28:21,930 --> 00:28:23,688 and now you've got your whole heap of baggage 673 00:28:23,730 --> 00:28:25,338 right in the middle of your marriage. 674 00:28:25,380 --> 00:28:27,558 And we need to slowly, 675 00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:30,108 sometimes a little bit more aggressively, 676 00:28:30,150 --> 00:28:31,158 unpack that baggage. 677 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,228 Sometimes you need to find a counselor 678 00:28:33,270 --> 00:28:36,570 and get some therapy, because things will come out. 679 00:28:36,612 --> 00:28:37,968 (solemn music) 680 00:28:38,010 --> 00:28:39,528 When you're a single person, 681 00:28:39,570 --> 00:28:41,028 you just kinda deal with it yourself. 682 00:28:41,070 --> 00:28:43,488 But when you've got another person there all the time 683 00:28:43,530 --> 00:28:46,308 and you're having to interact and do life with them, 684 00:28:46,350 --> 00:28:49,068 now all of the stuff that you dealt with on your own 685 00:28:49,110 --> 00:28:52,518 is now going to be poured out on somebody else. 686 00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:55,287 And you've got to unpack those things together. 687 00:28:55,329 --> 00:28:57,408 (solemn music) 688 00:28:57,450 --> 00:29:01,158 One of the biggest intimacy blockers is body image, 689 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,858 especially with women and sometimes men too. 690 00:29:03,900 --> 00:29:07,668 But with women, what we tend to do is we look at ourselves 691 00:29:07,710 --> 00:29:09,408 and we're like, "Oh, look at that. 692 00:29:09,450 --> 00:29:10,241 Look at this. 693 00:29:10,283 --> 00:29:11,688 Oh, my stomach's not flat enough. 694 00:29:11,730 --> 00:29:12,978 Oh, my thighs are too big" 695 00:29:13,020 --> 00:29:15,168 or, "My legs are too skinny." 696 00:29:15,210 --> 00:29:17,628 We focus in on all of those things 697 00:29:17,670 --> 00:29:19,908 that we have a hard time with. 698 00:29:19,950 --> 00:29:21,768 When you're thinking about getting intimate with someone, 699 00:29:21,810 --> 00:29:24,798 you need to throw those things out the window 700 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:27,528 because men, they're not looking at that. 701 00:29:27,570 --> 00:29:29,568 They're looking at what looks good to them. 702 00:29:29,610 --> 00:29:32,778 They're looking at the what to them looks good. 703 00:29:32,820 --> 00:29:34,788 When we look at ourselves as women, 704 00:29:34,830 --> 00:29:38,178 we oftentimes look at what we think looks bad, 705 00:29:38,220 --> 00:29:39,798 but that's not them. 706 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:41,658 That's not how men look at it. 707 00:29:41,700 --> 00:29:45,018 Men look at it in terms of what is appealing to them. 708 00:29:45,060 --> 00:29:48,588 And for them, what they see, it gives them a charge. 709 00:29:48,630 --> 00:29:50,448 And so we're thinking they're looking 710 00:29:50,490 --> 00:29:55,398 at our oversized stomach or whatever we don't like. 711 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:56,231 They're not. 712 00:29:56,273 --> 00:29:58,488 In fact, they probably don't even know it's there. 713 00:29:58,530 --> 00:30:01,548 They're looking at the things that are appealing to them. 714 00:30:01,590 --> 00:30:03,708 And so when things get steamy, 715 00:30:03,750 --> 00:30:06,108 you can't let those things get in your mind. 716 00:30:06,150 --> 00:30:07,638 You just say, "Just have fun." 717 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,518 He doesn't care. So, why should you? 718 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:12,978 So, just enjoy yourself and have a good time. 719 00:30:13,020 --> 00:30:14,088 No one is there, but you. 720 00:30:14,130 --> 00:30:16,998 If you lived on an island and it was just the two of you 721 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:19,338 and you never saw another person, only him, 722 00:30:19,380 --> 00:30:22,848 and he only saw you, it would not matter. 723 00:30:22,890 --> 00:30:24,648 The little imperfections in your body 724 00:30:24,690 --> 00:30:26,688 would never matter ever again. 725 00:30:26,730 --> 00:30:31,188 So when you have that intimacy time with your spouse, 726 00:30:31,230 --> 00:30:32,935 you need to look at it like an island and say, 727 00:30:32,977 --> 00:30:34,698 "No one else is here but us," 728 00:30:34,740 --> 00:30:36,490 and that's stuff doesn't matter. 729 00:30:36,532 --> 00:30:39,115 (solemn music) 730 00:30:44,490 --> 00:30:47,118 Sometimes ladies don't wanna have sex 731 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:52,160 as often as their men do, and that can become a real issue. 732 00:30:52,530 --> 00:30:57,530 I think if men can talk to them about how important it is 733 00:30:57,810 --> 00:30:59,628 and what's going on in their minds, 734 00:30:59,670 --> 00:31:04,008 and how it is they're having to deal with those desires, 735 00:31:04,050 --> 00:31:06,078 then maybe she can understand 736 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,825 what's going on with him and say, 737 00:31:07,867 --> 00:31:09,978 "Okay, yeah, I need to figure out 738 00:31:10,020 --> 00:31:13,251 how I could make this more of a priority in my life." 739 00:31:13,293 --> 00:31:15,138 (gentle music) 740 00:31:15,180 --> 00:31:16,848 Sometimes the person 741 00:31:16,890 --> 00:31:20,058 who doesn't wanna have sex is the husband. 742 00:31:20,100 --> 00:31:21,978 And I've talked to many of these guys. 743 00:31:22,020 --> 00:31:23,508 And they've admitted to me 744 00:31:23,550 --> 00:31:25,338 that they've strategically stopped 745 00:31:25,380 --> 00:31:27,138 having sex with their wives, 746 00:31:27,180 --> 00:31:29,328 because they think she's too bossy 747 00:31:29,370 --> 00:31:31,218 or she's pushing him around 748 00:31:31,260 --> 00:31:34,998 and they lose attraction toward their wife. 749 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:37,878 So, wives need to be really careful 750 00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:41,238 that they don't turn their husbands off by the way 751 00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:43,068 that they're treating them, 752 00:31:43,110 --> 00:31:46,248 because no man wants to go to bed with their mother, right? 753 00:31:46,290 --> 00:31:47,868 I mean, that's just the way it is. 754 00:31:47,910 --> 00:31:50,418 So, you start mothering, you know, 755 00:31:50,460 --> 00:31:52,848 and by nature, that's what we do as women. 756 00:31:52,890 --> 00:31:56,178 We're nurturers, we mother, we wanna care for, 757 00:31:56,220 --> 00:31:58,398 but there needs to be a fine line there. 758 00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:00,078 You need to be his girlfriend. 759 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:02,658 You need to be his lover, not his mother. 760 00:32:02,700 --> 00:32:07,683 And when you move over to mothering, then it backs them up. 761 00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:11,178 Generally, it slows them down in that area. 762 00:32:11,220 --> 00:32:16,220 And there are couples where he's the one that has decided 763 00:32:16,350 --> 00:32:17,868 that he doesn't want to be intimate anymore. 764 00:32:17,910 --> 00:32:20,178 And I've talked to those women, 765 00:32:20,220 --> 00:32:21,588 and they don't know what to do. 766 00:32:21,630 --> 00:32:23,448 They feel so hopeless. 767 00:32:23,490 --> 00:32:26,695 Sometimes they'll yell at them, and it's like, 768 00:32:26,737 --> 00:32:28,038 "That's not gonna get you any closer 769 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:28,908 to where you wanna go. 770 00:32:28,950 --> 00:32:30,618 That's not helping your case here." 771 00:32:30,660 --> 00:32:33,048 And so as painful as it is, 772 00:32:33,090 --> 00:32:35,935 you know, they just gently need to lovingly inquire, 773 00:32:35,977 --> 00:32:39,558 "Hey, you know, what is it that's blocking this? 774 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:41,907 And how can I help this situation?" 775 00:32:41,949 --> 00:32:44,532 (gentle music) 776 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:48,198 If you are chatting with your girlfriends 777 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:50,778 and you're saying negative things about your spouse, 778 00:32:50,820 --> 00:32:53,388 you're not going to wanna get naked with them that night. 779 00:32:53,430 --> 00:32:55,968 And if you're allowing negative thoughts 780 00:32:56,010 --> 00:32:58,615 to ramble in your head all day long about them, 781 00:32:58,657 --> 00:32:59,898 "Oh, why do he leave that there? 782 00:32:59,940 --> 00:33:01,638 Oh, he left the toilet seat up again," 783 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,768 all of those negative thinking, 784 00:33:03,810 --> 00:33:06,168 it's gonna get in the way of intimacy. 785 00:33:06,210 --> 00:33:10,038 There was a time that my husband played softball. 786 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:10,968 He was on a softball league. 787 00:33:11,010 --> 00:33:12,078 And he'd come in at the end of the night, 788 00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:14,688 he'd leave his softball bag in the middle of the kitchen. 789 00:33:14,730 --> 00:33:15,521 He was tired. 790 00:33:15,563 --> 00:33:17,418 He just didn't put it away. 791 00:33:17,460 --> 00:33:19,825 So in the morning, I'd see it and I'd go, 792 00:33:19,867 --> 00:33:20,898 "Oh, he left his softball bag. 793 00:33:20,940 --> 00:33:21,731 I got to go get it," 794 00:33:21,773 --> 00:33:22,638 because I didn't wanna look at it all day. 795 00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:23,898 I wanted it to go in the garage. 796 00:33:23,940 --> 00:33:26,068 So, I drag it out into the garage and I go, 797 00:33:26,110 --> 00:33:27,318 "Ugh, softball bag. 798 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:28,938 Why did he leave it there again?" 799 00:33:28,980 --> 00:33:29,771 And then I thought, 800 00:33:29,813 --> 00:33:31,278 "Okay, this isn't working. 801 00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:33,528 Because now right from the morning, 802 00:33:33,570 --> 00:33:36,558 now I started off this train of negative thinking." 803 00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:38,298 I'm like, "I need to fix this." 804 00:33:38,340 --> 00:33:39,445 I mean I could have just asked him, 805 00:33:39,487 --> 00:33:42,318 "Hey, could you put your softball bag away?" 806 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:44,448 But that's even more risky 'cause let's say he doesn't. 807 00:33:44,490 --> 00:33:45,708 Now, I'm gonna be madder, right? 808 00:33:45,750 --> 00:33:46,788 So that wasn't my choice. 809 00:33:46,830 --> 00:33:48,258 I'm like, "No, I need to fix this. 810 00:33:48,300 --> 00:33:49,548 I need to figure out what to do." 811 00:33:49,590 --> 00:33:52,098 So what I did is I took the softball bag when I saw it, 812 00:33:52,140 --> 00:33:54,835 and on the way to the garage, I started praying for him. 813 00:33:54,877 --> 00:33:57,048 "Thank you God for a man who could play softball. 814 00:33:57,090 --> 00:33:58,428 Thank you God for a man who comes home 815 00:33:58,470 --> 00:33:59,328 at the end of the day. 816 00:33:59,370 --> 00:34:01,158 Thank you God for a man who loves me." 817 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:02,448 And then, I would just thank God, 818 00:34:02,490 --> 00:34:04,248 and then I would just pray for him. 819 00:34:04,290 --> 00:34:06,918 After a while, I'd see the softball bag, 820 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,558 and now I had feelings of endearment towards him. 821 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,328 My love for him would grow 822 00:34:11,370 --> 00:34:13,848 at just looking at the softball bag. 823 00:34:13,890 --> 00:34:15,768 And as I took it out into the garage, 824 00:34:15,810 --> 00:34:17,928 I was happy to do it because I love this man 825 00:34:17,970 --> 00:34:20,238 and I'm happy to move this softball bag for him. 826 00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:22,458 And he didn't mean, he didn't wanna hurt me. 827 00:34:22,500 --> 00:34:24,828 He just left it there because he was tired. 828 00:34:24,870 --> 00:34:28,158 And so I used that to enhance our relationship 829 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:31,218 rather than let it be a negative factor. 830 00:34:31,260 --> 00:34:35,268 So anytime a negative thought is creeping into your mind, 831 00:34:35,310 --> 00:34:36,835 you need to turn that thought around. 832 00:34:36,877 --> 00:34:38,658 "How do I need to turn this thought around?" 833 00:34:38,700 --> 00:34:41,508 Because you let those negative thoughts fester 834 00:34:41,550 --> 00:34:43,308 and stay in your brain 835 00:34:43,350 --> 00:34:45,528 and you keep playing them over and over and over, 836 00:34:45,570 --> 00:34:47,226 you're gonna kill your intimacy. 837 00:34:47,268 --> 00:34:49,419 It'll die real fast. 838 00:34:49,461 --> 00:34:51,901 (solemn music) 839 00:34:51,943 --> 00:34:53,028 If we're holding a grudge, 840 00:34:53,070 --> 00:34:55,743 if we have unforgiveness towards our spouse, 841 00:34:56,940 --> 00:34:59,058 we are not gonna want to get naked with him, 842 00:34:59,100 --> 00:35:01,278 just the bottom line. 843 00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:03,618 So if there's anything that comes up, 844 00:35:03,660 --> 00:35:06,528 you need to make sure you figure out how to forgive. 845 00:35:06,570 --> 00:35:10,518 And what works for me is instead of keeping track 846 00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:13,428 of what I need to forgive him for, 847 00:35:13,470 --> 00:35:17,388 I keep a record of what he's forgiven me for. 848 00:35:17,430 --> 00:35:19,578 Because we hurt each other back and forth. 849 00:35:19,620 --> 00:35:22,428 I mean, I'm married almost 40 years now, 850 00:35:22,470 --> 00:35:24,978 and we never stop hurting each other. 851 00:35:25,020 --> 00:35:26,418 I mean, we don't want to. 852 00:35:26,460 --> 00:35:27,918 You don't wanna hurt your spouse. 853 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,688 You don't. It just happens. 854 00:35:29,730 --> 00:35:31,158 You don't do it on purpose. 855 00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:32,538 It just happens. 856 00:35:32,580 --> 00:35:34,098 And so when things creep in 857 00:35:34,140 --> 00:35:37,998 and you need to offer forgiveness and give forgiveness, 858 00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:42,408 you need to remember that you're just humans and it's okay. 859 00:35:42,450 --> 00:35:43,908 Two people in a happy marriage 860 00:35:43,950 --> 00:35:45,468 are two really good forgivers. 861 00:35:45,510 --> 00:35:46,848 That's just the way it is. 862 00:35:46,890 --> 00:35:50,178 So, I focus on when he forgives me 863 00:35:50,220 --> 00:35:51,858 and I really let that sink in. 864 00:35:51,900 --> 00:35:53,388 And I remember what I did 865 00:35:53,430 --> 00:35:54,918 and what I needed to be forgiven for. 866 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:57,535 So then when it's the other way around and I'm like, 867 00:35:57,577 --> 00:35:59,448 "Okay, I need to forgive him of that," 868 00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:02,328 I work on whatever I need to do to forgive him. 869 00:36:02,370 --> 00:36:04,368 Because if there's unforgiveness, 870 00:36:04,410 --> 00:36:06,993 the marriage is really gonna suffer. 871 00:36:07,035 --> 00:36:09,738 (somber music) 872 00:36:09,780 --> 00:36:11,028 Another blocker 873 00:36:11,070 --> 00:36:13,848 is something they're either doing or not doing, 874 00:36:13,890 --> 00:36:15,318 and those can sneak in. 875 00:36:15,360 --> 00:36:17,178 Those are real, real sneaky. 876 00:36:17,220 --> 00:36:19,728 Because my husband at one point, 877 00:36:19,770 --> 00:36:21,918 he decided he was gonna let his hair grow. 878 00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:24,558 I'm like, "Okay, let's see how this goes." 879 00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:27,108 Well, it kept growing and growing and growing. 880 00:36:27,150 --> 00:36:30,468 And next thing you know, he had a mullet and I hated it. 881 00:36:30,510 --> 00:36:32,178 And I'm like, "I can work this out. 882 00:36:32,220 --> 00:36:34,128 Okay, I love a man with hair. 883 00:36:34,170 --> 00:36:36,138 You know, he's fine. He's great. 884 00:36:36,180 --> 00:36:37,938 I can get past this." 885 00:36:37,980 --> 00:36:40,518 And so I just kept in my mind just trying to work through, 886 00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:41,628 but I hated him. 887 00:36:41,670 --> 00:36:43,668 I mean, I don't have anything against men with long hair, 888 00:36:43,710 --> 00:36:44,501 that's fine. 889 00:36:44,543 --> 00:36:47,328 But as far as revving up my engines, 890 00:36:47,370 --> 00:36:48,468 it just wasn't doing it. 891 00:36:48,510 --> 00:36:49,938 And so, we go to bed at night 892 00:36:49,980 --> 00:36:52,758 and I get hair in my face and it was just, 893 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:53,688 I was like, "Oh." 894 00:36:53,730 --> 00:36:56,628 And it got to the point where he would start touching me 895 00:36:56,670 --> 00:36:58,818 and I would be like this because of the hair. 896 00:36:58,860 --> 00:37:00,828 And I'm like, "Okay, I don't know what to do. 897 00:37:00,870 --> 00:37:02,358 Something's got to be done about this." 898 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:04,638 But I let it keep festering. 899 00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:05,471 And then one day, 900 00:37:05,513 --> 00:37:07,608 he asked me for one of my ponytail holders. 901 00:37:07,650 --> 00:37:09,018 That was it. 902 00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:10,548 In my mind, I'm like, "That's it. 903 00:37:10,590 --> 00:37:12,768 I got to say something about this." 904 00:37:12,810 --> 00:37:13,998 This was a tough conversation 905 00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:15,648 because he was in this man group now. 906 00:37:15,690 --> 00:37:17,815 We'd be out in public and guys with long hair would be like, 907 00:37:17,857 --> 00:37:19,248 "Hey, cool hair." 908 00:37:19,290 --> 00:37:21,378 And he was in this cool club. 909 00:37:21,420 --> 00:37:23,868 And so I felt like I was taking this cool club away, 910 00:37:23,910 --> 00:37:25,758 but I'm like, "Okay, I gotta do it. 911 00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:26,628 I gotta talk to him." 912 00:37:26,670 --> 00:37:27,715 And so I told him, I said, 913 00:37:27,757 --> 00:37:32,118 "Honey, I know you love the hair, but I just don't like it, 914 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:34,488 and it makes me kind of pull away from you." 915 00:37:34,530 --> 00:37:35,718 He's like, "Okay." 916 00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:38,208 The next day, he got a haircut. 917 00:37:38,250 --> 00:37:39,678 If they're doing something 918 00:37:39,720 --> 00:37:41,568 that's repelling you against them, 919 00:37:41,610 --> 00:37:43,458 you have got to say something. 920 00:37:43,500 --> 00:37:45,978 If they're cologne, or their hair product, 921 00:37:46,020 --> 00:37:47,898 or the type of clothing they wear, 922 00:37:47,940 --> 00:37:49,788 anything that propels you away, 923 00:37:49,830 --> 00:37:50,868 you got to have the conversation. 924 00:37:50,910 --> 00:37:51,708 You got to go, "You know what? 925 00:37:51,750 --> 00:37:53,898 This does not do anything for my engine here." 926 00:37:53,940 --> 00:37:56,868 And so I recommend checking everything. 927 00:37:56,910 --> 00:37:58,218 Don't let him put anything on his body 928 00:37:58,260 --> 00:37:59,688 you don't like the way it smells. 929 00:37:59,730 --> 00:38:01,428 Because if you don't like the way he smells, 930 00:38:01,470 --> 00:38:03,203 you're not gonna want to be near him. 931 00:38:04,470 --> 00:38:07,068 I've seen men with those big old long beards 932 00:38:07,110 --> 00:38:09,115 or different hair on their face, and I'll ask them, 933 00:38:09,157 --> 00:38:10,285 "How does your wife feel about that?" 934 00:38:10,327 --> 00:38:12,018 "Oh, she hates it." 935 00:38:12,060 --> 00:38:14,058 I'm thinking, "You're kind of clueless. 936 00:38:14,100 --> 00:38:15,498 Because if she doesn't like it, 937 00:38:15,540 --> 00:38:17,178 what is that doing to your fun time? 938 00:38:17,220 --> 00:38:18,828 Like it can't be helping." 939 00:38:18,870 --> 00:38:21,588 So, I mean if you think the beard is more important 940 00:38:21,630 --> 00:38:24,288 than your intimate time with your wife, great. 941 00:38:24,330 --> 00:38:25,248 Knock yourself out. 942 00:38:25,290 --> 00:38:26,088 Enjoy your life. 943 00:38:26,130 --> 00:38:29,358 But I don't think there's any kind of look or facial hair 944 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:32,688 or anything that's worth hurting your intimacy over. 945 00:38:32,730 --> 00:38:35,688 And I just think that men need to ask their wives 946 00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:36,521 about that. 947 00:38:36,563 --> 00:38:38,478 If they don't like it, then let them speak in, 948 00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:41,242 especially if it's going to affect their bedroom fun. 949 00:38:41,284 --> 00:38:44,034 (dramatic music) 950 00:38:58,770 --> 00:39:00,388 One of the complaints I hear from women is, 951 00:39:00,430 --> 00:39:02,058 "It's just boring. 952 00:39:02,100 --> 00:39:05,358 It's the same old thing every single time. 953 00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:07,728 And I remember one time I was at the gym 954 00:39:07,770 --> 00:39:10,698 and I was on that elliptical machine thing. 955 00:39:10,740 --> 00:39:11,838 And there was a lady in front of me 956 00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:13,188 and she was on the same machine. 957 00:39:13,230 --> 00:39:14,925 And I always came to the gym at the same time, 958 00:39:14,967 --> 00:39:16,915 and I remember looking at her in front of me thinking, 959 00:39:16,957 --> 00:39:18,978 "Man, she's in a rut. 960 00:39:19,020 --> 00:39:23,418 She's here every day the same time on the same machine." 961 00:39:23,460 --> 00:39:24,985 And then, I went along and then it hit me, 962 00:39:25,027 --> 00:39:25,998 "Wait a minute, 963 00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:28,848 I'm behind her on the same machine 964 00:39:28,890 --> 00:39:31,188 at the same time every day." 965 00:39:31,230 --> 00:39:35,268 So if we are gonna accuse our husbands of being boring, 966 00:39:35,310 --> 00:39:38,118 we have to own that because we're half of that equation. 967 00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:39,798 So, you don't want it to be boring? 968 00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:42,828 Do something different, spice it up, change it up. 969 00:39:42,870 --> 00:39:44,868 I remember one time I got these silk sheets. 970 00:39:44,910 --> 00:39:45,798 I'm like, "Oh, this will be fun." 971 00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:46,631 I was out shopping. 972 00:39:46,673 --> 00:39:48,138 I saw these purple silk sheets, 973 00:39:48,180 --> 00:39:49,848 I'm like, "Oh, I'm gonna put these on the bed. 974 00:39:49,890 --> 00:39:50,868 This is gonna be great." 975 00:39:50,910 --> 00:39:52,758 The problem was we were slipping and sliding 976 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:54,438 all over the place. 977 00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:56,118 And we'd go to sleep and the pillows 978 00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:59,268 would go flying off the bed, and we would just laugh. 979 00:39:59,310 --> 00:40:00,648 So, it gave us a laugh. 980 00:40:00,690 --> 00:40:02,478 It didn't exactly do what I thought it was gonna do, 981 00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:03,648 but it gave us a huge laugh. 982 00:40:03,690 --> 00:40:07,188 But the point is, I did something to change it up. 983 00:40:07,230 --> 00:40:10,145 It turned into laughter, but that's okay 984 00:40:10,187 --> 00:40:13,398 'cause laughter leads to intimacy, and that is great. 985 00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:15,498 I'm a huge proponent of laughter. 986 00:40:15,540 --> 00:40:19,158 But if things are boring, then you change things. 987 00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:19,991 Change it up. 988 00:40:20,033 --> 00:40:21,228 Bring something else into the room. 989 00:40:21,270 --> 00:40:22,308 Do something different. 990 00:40:22,350 --> 00:40:24,558 Whatever you wanna do, be creative. 991 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:25,391 It's okay. 992 00:40:25,433 --> 00:40:26,418 Whatever you want to do is fine, 993 00:40:26,460 --> 00:40:27,888 just be creative with it. 994 00:40:27,930 --> 00:40:30,168 So if it's boring, that's on you. 995 00:40:30,210 --> 00:40:31,760 You can't just put that on him. 996 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:37,038 I always know when a girl who's getting ready to get married 997 00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:40,188 will say, "Oh, I wanna talk to you. 998 00:40:40,230 --> 00:40:42,618 Can I talk to you? I have some questions." 999 00:40:42,660 --> 00:40:44,508 And I could just tell she's already blushing 1000 00:40:44,550 --> 00:40:46,248 and I already know what she's gonna ask. 1001 00:40:46,290 --> 00:40:48,768 She's gonna ask, "What is okay in the bedroom? 1002 00:40:48,810 --> 00:40:50,628 What are we allowed to do?" 1003 00:40:50,670 --> 00:40:54,138 And I'll ask her, "Well, what do you think? 1004 00:40:54,180 --> 00:40:55,605 What do you think is okay?" 1005 00:40:55,647 --> 00:40:58,398 And so, I'll get her perspective on what she thinks. 1006 00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:00,685 And then, what I do is I'll unpack with her, 1007 00:41:00,727 --> 00:41:04,698 "Hey, throughout the Bible, God says, 1008 00:41:04,740 --> 00:41:08,148 in marriage, as long as you're married, it's okay." 1009 00:41:08,190 --> 00:41:10,413 Usually they want to know, "Well, is oral sex okay?" 1010 00:41:10,455 --> 00:41:11,246 I go, "What do you think?" 1011 00:41:11,288 --> 00:41:14,358 I go, "If it's okay with you and it's okay with him, 1012 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,618 then it's okay." 1013 00:41:15,660 --> 00:41:18,618 And they're like, "Oh, okay." 1014 00:41:18,660 --> 00:41:19,795 I've even been asked about, 1015 00:41:19,837 --> 00:41:22,908 "Well, what about bringing someone else into our bedroom?" 1016 00:41:22,950 --> 00:41:24,348 Well, that's a different story. 1017 00:41:24,390 --> 00:41:27,078 That's adultery because you're not married to that person. 1018 00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:30,168 So, I have heard of women where their husbands 1019 00:41:30,210 --> 00:41:31,368 have brought other women home 1020 00:41:31,410 --> 00:41:33,828 and they wanna engage in this threesome thing, 1021 00:41:33,870 --> 00:41:35,358 and they're like, "Is that okay?" 1022 00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:37,038 I'm like, "Well, according to the Bible, 1023 00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:38,778 it's not because that's adultery. 1024 00:41:38,820 --> 00:41:40,407 So, that would be a no." 1025 00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:43,908 So, you and your spouse need to figure out 1026 00:41:43,950 --> 00:41:45,708 what's okay in your marriage, 1027 00:41:45,750 --> 00:41:46,765 because I don't ever wanna say, 1028 00:41:46,807 --> 00:41:47,958 "Well, this is what you can do," 1029 00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:48,978 or "This is what you can't do," 1030 00:41:49,020 --> 00:41:51,378 because it's up to each individual couple. 1031 00:41:51,420 --> 00:41:53,568 Some couples might find something detestable 1032 00:41:53,610 --> 00:41:55,008 and that's fine if they don't want to. 1033 00:41:55,050 --> 00:41:56,208 But then other couples 1034 00:41:56,250 --> 00:41:58,218 might really like to do certain things that other couples. 1035 00:41:58,260 --> 00:41:59,358 It's up to each couple. 1036 00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:01,488 So what I say, "If it's okay with him, 1037 00:42:01,530 --> 00:42:04,570 it's okay with you, then it's okay." 1038 00:42:04,612 --> 00:42:07,195 (lively music) 1039 00:42:09,750 --> 00:42:14,250 One of the assignments I give is to take 30 days 1040 00:42:14,292 --> 00:42:18,438 and always say yes to sex anytime your spouse approaches you 1041 00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:20,062 for sex. 1042 00:42:20,104 --> 00:42:23,838 I know that that's like a lot of people 1043 00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:26,028 just completely disagree with that, 1044 00:42:26,070 --> 00:42:29,178 but I believe we can always find reasons to say no. 1045 00:42:29,220 --> 00:42:30,595 If you're always thinking, 1046 00:42:30,637 --> 00:42:33,558 "Well, no, it's not a good time," or "I don't feel good," 1047 00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:35,088 or I just ate ice cream or whatever," 1048 00:42:35,130 --> 00:42:37,638 then you just end up saying no over and over and over 1049 00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,378 and that's not good for your marriage. 1050 00:42:39,420 --> 00:42:43,038 But if you know that you're always gonna say yes, 1051 00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:45,588 you're gonna work on your marriage every day. 1052 00:42:45,630 --> 00:42:47,958 You're gonna work on your own desires. 1053 00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:49,578 You're gonna keep yourself thinking 1054 00:42:49,620 --> 00:42:51,978 about wanting to be physical. 1055 00:42:52,020 --> 00:42:54,708 It's just a matter of training our brains. 1056 00:42:54,750 --> 00:42:57,798 And so if you tell yourself you're gonna say yes, 1057 00:42:57,840 --> 00:42:59,388 it's gonna safeguard your marriage. 1058 00:42:59,430 --> 00:43:03,198 It's gonna keep you at the best place you can be 1059 00:43:03,240 --> 00:43:04,923 in your marriage. 1060 00:43:04,965 --> 00:43:07,788 (gentle music) 1061 00:43:07,830 --> 00:43:09,168 We all have cravings. 1062 00:43:09,210 --> 00:43:11,478 It's part of human nature. 1063 00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:13,428 And when you're married, every once in a while, 1064 00:43:13,470 --> 00:43:16,848 you're just gonna have cravings to be with your spouse, 1065 00:43:16,890 --> 00:43:21,258 and it's okay to fulfill all of those cravings. 1066 00:43:21,300 --> 00:43:22,091 It's okay. 1067 00:43:22,133 --> 00:43:23,258 God says it's okay. 1068 00:43:23,300 --> 00:43:26,178 (gentle music) 1069 00:43:26,220 --> 00:43:27,888 So, there's this woman. 1070 00:43:27,930 --> 00:43:29,598 And she's a mom 1071 00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:34,640 and she has a lot of the everyday struggles and stressors. 1072 00:43:35,430 --> 00:43:39,378 And she decides that she wants to have this romantic fantasy 1073 00:43:39,420 --> 00:43:40,518 with her husband. 1074 00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:42,858 Only her fantasy is to have sex, 1075 00:43:42,900 --> 00:43:44,500 and then make pancakes together. 1076 00:43:45,780 --> 00:43:47,988 And a lot of people think that that's just a silly thing, 1077 00:43:48,030 --> 00:43:50,478 but you know, it's funny what some women would like to do. 1078 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,008 It's very simple. 1079 00:43:52,050 --> 00:43:54,918 And so she tells her husband that she wants to do this, 1080 00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:57,438 and he is like, "Okay," but then he never does it. 1081 00:43:57,480 --> 00:43:58,271 And she waits. 1082 00:43:58,313 --> 00:43:59,105 And so she tells him again, 1083 00:43:59,147 --> 00:44:02,148 and he never does it, and she waits. 1084 00:44:02,190 --> 00:44:04,608 And then one day, the kids are gone, 1085 00:44:04,650 --> 00:44:07,075 and he was in bed longer than her, and she's like, 1086 00:44:07,117 --> 00:44:09,798 "Hey, can we do that fantasy thing that I wanted to?" 1087 00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,388 So, he finally agrees. 1088 00:44:11,430 --> 00:44:13,188 And so, they have a great time together, 1089 00:44:13,230 --> 00:44:14,988 and then they make pancakes together. 1090 00:44:15,030 --> 00:44:17,508 And a lot of times women are just embarrassed 1091 00:44:17,550 --> 00:44:19,578 to tell their husbands what their fantasies are. 1092 00:44:19,620 --> 00:44:21,618 They're embarrassed to even have a fantasy. 1093 00:44:21,660 --> 00:44:23,958 And so that's kind of a silly story, 1094 00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,298 but it's an explanation. 1095 00:44:26,340 --> 00:44:28,458 It's a way of saying, "Hey, it's okay." 1096 00:44:28,500 --> 00:44:30,198 Whatever, how silly your fantasy is, 1097 00:44:30,240 --> 00:44:32,928 it's okay because you're in marriage. 1098 00:44:32,970 --> 00:44:33,858 You can do whatever you want. 1099 00:44:33,900 --> 00:44:35,418 You can have fun. 1100 00:44:35,460 --> 00:44:36,978 It doesn't always have to be so serious. 1101 00:44:37,020 --> 00:44:39,608 You can have fun in your intimate relationship. 1102 00:44:39,650 --> 00:44:42,438 (gentle music) 1103 00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:45,138 I think a good healthy sex life 1104 00:44:45,180 --> 00:44:48,525 is critical to a good, healthy marriage. 1105 00:44:48,567 --> 00:44:50,478 And if that's not there, 1106 00:44:50,520 --> 00:44:52,518 then I don't think the marriage has everything 1107 00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:55,608 that God designed for marriage. 1108 00:44:55,650 --> 00:44:59,298 If anyone is struggling with guilt or intimacy, 1109 00:44:59,340 --> 00:45:01,788 the answer is to get closer to God. 1110 00:45:01,830 --> 00:45:05,328 Because God is not about guilt or shame. 1111 00:45:05,370 --> 00:45:09,288 He wants you to have a thriving, intimate marriage. 1112 00:45:09,330 --> 00:45:11,628 It's God will that you have 1113 00:45:11,670 --> 00:45:16,518 an active, happy, physical sexual relationship 1114 00:45:16,560 --> 00:45:17,448 with your spouse. 1115 00:45:17,490 --> 00:45:19,214 That is God's will in your life. 1116 00:45:19,256 --> 00:45:21,839 (upbeat music) 1117 00:45:49,260 --> 00:45:52,677 (upbeat music continues) 1118 00:46:17,162 --> 00:46:19,745 (lively music)