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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[crowd cheering]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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["Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches playing]

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[rowdy electroclash rock music playing]

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[emcee] <i>Ladies and gentlemen,
Taylor Tomlinson!</i>

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<i>♪ The boys wanna be her ♪</i>

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<i>♪ The girls wanna be her ♪</i>

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<i>♪ The boys wanna be her ♪</i>

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<i>♪ The girls wanna be her ♪</i>

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<i>♪ The boys wanna be her ♪</i>

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<i>♪ The girls wanna be her ♪</i>

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DC, how we doing?

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[cheering in response]

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- How stupid was that?
- [audience laughing]

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I came up from the floor
like I'm a fucking Jonas brother.

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I know that was silly, and it was <i>my</i> idea!

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I was so embarrassed
that I thought of that,

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but it was too late
when we got here to change it

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because men with jobs had built it.

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And were operating it very well,
I might add.

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And I was like,
"We can probably just scrap it, right?"

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They're like, "Well,
this is like a week of our lives, so..."

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I know that that was dumb.

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Thank you for indulging me. [chuckles]

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How we doing, DC?

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Thank you so much for coming.

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[audience cheering]

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I have to be honest,
my career is going very well right now.

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I...

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[audience cheering]

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This is the last night
of the biggest tour I've ever done.

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I am filming
my third Netflix special tonight.

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And recently, someone was using
my name and photos on a dating app.

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[audience wooing in response]

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It was me. I was doing it.

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Went through a breakup,
got on a dating app.

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Why? Because my married friends
told me to.

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If you're single, your married friends
don't want you to be happy.

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They don't. They want you on those apps

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because the apps look fun
and they can't go on 'em.

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So they want to stand behind you

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like a kid at an arcade

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with no fucking quarters,

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while you fight for your life out there.

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They're like, "Go left, go right!"
You're like, "Do you wanna play?"

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They're like, "More than anything."

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"But I have the high score,
so it wouldn't be fair."

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Your married friends
don't want more married friends.

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Nobody wants more married friends.

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Sorry if you're married. I know
you're up front. Two-income household.

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Nobody wants more married friends, okay?

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'Cause your life updates are boring.

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I'm happy you're settled. Good for you.
Know who has fun life updates?

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Your single friends.
We're out there, making mistakes.

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Named Trevor, usually.

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Have you asked married friends
what they did over the weekend?

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"What'd you guys do?"

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"I don't know. Just woke up
next to my soulmate... again." [giggles]

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Ask your single friend,
"What did you do this weekend?"

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They're like,
"I woke up in a shallow grave!"

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"Why are you proud of that?
Did you have sex in a grave?"

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They're like,
"Why do you think we dug the grave?"

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Do you have that one single friend
who thinks she's hot and fun,

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but she's actually
just in constant danger all the time?

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Every time she tells you a dating story,
you're like, "Oh my God, okay."

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"No, we're not judging,

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but maybe just share
your location with us indefinitely."

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I have one friend like that.

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Every week she tells me
the scariest stories I've ever heard.

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"I had the hottest date Friday."

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"I'm making out
with this guy at a bar. So sexy."

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"He's like, 'Let me show you something.'
Pulls me into the back alley."

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"Pulls out his huge... gun."

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"Points it at my face.
'Gimme your phone, keys, and wallet.'"

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"'Okay, kinky.
I'll try anything once.' Right?"

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"He hits me in the head.
I wake up 30 minutes later in a puddle."

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"I hitchhike home."

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"Oh my God, I am such a Samantha."

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[audience laughs]

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We're like,
"We think you got mugged, babe."

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She's like, "Mugged? You're such a prude."

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"He's gonna call me."

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"He has my phone."

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"You'll meet him. He took my breath away."

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We're like,
"No, he knocked the wind out of you."

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Your friends say the dumbest shit
when you go through a breakup.

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Trying to be helpful.

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Like, "Well,
why don't you just date yourself?"

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"'Cause you told me not to settle.
What the fuck?"

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"I can do better than me!"

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"Why can't you just be single for a year?"

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"Why can't you walk without headphones?"

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"'Cause you'll think about death
the whole time. Exactly."

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[audience laughs]

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This last breakup was different.

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This was the first breakup
I'd gone through since I got on Netflix.

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And before I was on Netflix,
my friends were very supportive.

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Like, "We're so sorry. It'll get better."

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Then I got on Netflix
and went through a breakup,

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and all my friends were like, "Well..."

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[audience chuckling]

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"I mean, you have your dream job, so..."

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My friends looked me
in my sad face and went,

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"You can't have it all, bitch."
All of them!

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And I was so offended.

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I thought about it,
and I was like, "Know what?"

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"I don't want anybody to have it all."
None of us do.

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It's why they keep putting out
Marilyn Monroe documentaries.

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They're like, "She was pretty sad."

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And we're like, "Yeah, she fucking was."

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Nobody wants anybody to have it all.

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If someone has their soulmate,

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you don't want them
to have their dream job too.

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If someone has their dream job,
they don't get to be in love on top.

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If someone has their dream job
and their soulmate,

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bare minimum,
their parents better be divorced.

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I'd prefer they were an orphan.

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[audience laughs]

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Nobody wants anybody to have it all.

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When I was a kid,
I didn't think you could.

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I thought you either got to be hot
or have a good personality.

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I thought that's how we're divided.
I thought life was fair.

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That got me through
a lot of ugly years as a child.

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"It's okay that I'm not more symmetrical."

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"I have this great personality

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that will surely reveal itself
any day now."

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"It's coming with my period
and my Hogwarts letter. I can feel it."

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That got me to sixth grade,

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when I met my friend Krista,

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and she was pretty,
funny, smart, and nice.

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And that's when
I stopped believing in God.

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[audience laughs]

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But so many friends said a version
of this to me after my last breakup

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that I started to feel really guilty.

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Because you know what, DC?
This <i>is</i> my dream job.

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I can't believe I'm filming
my third Netflix special tonight.

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I cannot believe it.

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[audience cheering]

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I have been
so insanely lucky in my career.

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And the more I thought about that,

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I was like, "Nobody has every single thing
going for them as a person."

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"You have been so blessed."

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"Be grateful for what you have.
Focus on that."

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"Nobody gets to have it all."

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And then I saw Hugh Jackman in person.

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[audience laughs]

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I was like, "I guess you <i>can</i> have it all."

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"But there's none left
because 'God' gave it all to Hugh."

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Hugh Jackman is
a perfect specimen of a human man.

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Seeing him in person
was a religious experience.

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It changed me.

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It was like seeing the Grand Canyon.
Everyone should do it before they die.

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He is a wonder of the world, that man.

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It was like seeing Niagara Falls.
You can bring the whole family.

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You get a little wet, but it's fun.

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It was...

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[laughter, applause]

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Here's what happened.

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About a year and a half ago,
we were in New York, doing shows on tour.

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We had an off night
in between theater shows.

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So me, my buddy Dustin,
and his wife, Melissa,

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and a few friends, who were also happy,

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went to go see <i>The Music Man</i>
on Broadway, starring Hugh Jackman.

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Was it a good show? I don't know.

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But Hugh Jackman was there the whole time.

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They should've called the show,

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"We got Hugh Jackman in a room.
Who wants to see him?"

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The show was great.
At the end, they're doing curtain calls.

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The actors are taking their bows.

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One of the actors steps forward and goes,
"You've come on a special week,"

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"Tonight we're raising money

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for an amazing charity
called Broadway Cares."

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"Tonight Hugh is gonna sign
the pair of gloves he wore in the show."

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"We're gonna auction them
to the highest bidder."

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And I looked at my friends,
and I was like, "I mean..."

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"I have money."

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They were like, "This is what
you're gonna spend the Netflix money on?"

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And I was like,
"Well, I don't have a family."

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[audience laughs]

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"There's no one else here,
and I've already had braces."

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"If I can't have it all,
I'm gonna have those gloves."

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Also, I thought
it'd be hilarious as a bit.

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Because everybody asks you
when you get on television,

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"What'd you spend that money on?
A new jacket? A new car?"

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And I'm like, "How funny would it be
if my first big TV purchase

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was a pair of sweaty gloves
worn by Wolverine," right? [chuckles]

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It's like, what am I, a man? So dumb.

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I start competing in the auction,
and I'm doing pretty well.

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'Cause I got nothing to lose
and no one to live for.

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I'm doing so well,
it gets down to me and two other bidders.

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It gets down to me,
an older woman towards the front,

193
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and I kid you not,

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Jake from State Farm.

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That is 100% true,
that detail, and I hesitate to include it

196
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because it makes the story sound
like a dream I had once.

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"So in the dream,
I'm trying to get Hugh's gloves."

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"Jake from State Farm
thinks he's gonna get 'em."

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"Fat chance, commercial boy.
Those are mine."

200
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"Then Flo from Progressive
rides in on a horse for some reason."

201
00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:32,113
"Whoops, who's that?"

202
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"Tony the Tiger pops a wheelie
on his motorbike."

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"All-cash offer."

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"You can't beat Tony. That's old money."

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So it is now me, this woman, and Jake.

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I think what happened next
was Jake could tell

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that me and this woman
needed the win more than he did.

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So like a good neighbor,
State Farm backs out.

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Yep.

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It is now me and this woman.

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We are ping-ponging, back and forth.

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I think I blacked out
because when I came to,

213
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:05,062
we were at a number
that I've not agreed to pay since college.

214
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:09,775
So exactly like college, I'm like,
"This is crazy. I'm not gonna finish."

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00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,861
[audience laughing]

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As they're about to say,
"Once, twice, sold to the woman in front,"

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Hugh <i>Jackman</i>
steps forward, stops the auctioneer,

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and goes, "Before we end the auction,
I just have to say,

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I am so moved
by the generosity of tonight's audience."

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"You know,

221
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:37,803
I have two gloves."

222
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,098
"If I were to sign both of them,

223
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would these two ladies
match each other's bid?"

224
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And he looked right at me.

225
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:51,400
Now, I've never paid for sex...

226
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[audience laughing]

227
00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:01,744
...but I did drop seven grand
on eye contact with Hugh Jackman.

228
00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:04,872
[audience laughing, clapping]

229
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,504
[cheering subsides]

230
00:11:11,587 --> 00:11:13,673
Thank you for clapping.
That joke was expensive.

231
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:14,757
[audience laughs]

232
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,550
They're like, "It's a tax write-off."

233
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:19,303
I'm like, "Don't worry.
I will make sure that it is."

234
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I wish I could tell you
I was like, "It's for charity."

235
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:24,350
But the truth is,
I completely forgot till the end.

236
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:28,020
Even then, I was barely listening.
I was busy talking to the glove.

237
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,981
Like, "Hugh's fingers were inside you.
What was that like?"

238
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:35,986
"He's surprisingly gentle."

239
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,071
"I knew it."

240
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:46,080
I love that story 'cause I can always tell
who grew up in church

241
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:48,791
based on who starts laughing at
"You know, I have two."

242
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,751
You're like, "Oh, I read the Bible."

243
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:53,295
"I know
when they're about to cut a baby in half."

244
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,012
I don't think
the dating app thing is for me.

245
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:03,264
Don't think I can do it.

246
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:05,808
- Is anyone in here on dating apps?
- [light applause, whooping]

247
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:08,728
Okay, has anyone in here
never been on a dating app?

248
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:10,229
[louder whooping]

249
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:11,647
I don't care for that.

250
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,399
Wish I hadn't asked.

251
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:15,276
The smugness of those whoos.

252
00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:17,445
I hated every second of that.

253
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:20,072
If you've never been,
let me tell you what it's like.

254
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:23,033
Every dating app profile,
you get six photos

255
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:26,579
of what look like
six different human beings.

256
00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:29,248
Then you go and sit
in a coffee shop and wait for him.

257
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:33,627
Like, "Come on, picture number three.
Come on, picture number three."

258
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:36,672
And then he gets there,
and you're like, "Goddammit, it's four."

259
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:37,715
You can't leave.

260
00:12:37,798 --> 00:12:40,718
You gotta sit there
for 45 minutes, nodding and smiling,

261
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:42,595
knowing you're gonna ghost him later.

262
00:12:42,678 --> 00:12:45,848
You feel creepy. You feel like
Haley Joel Osment in <i>The Sixth Sense</i>.

263
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,809
Just like,
"Oh, he doesn't know he's dead yet."

264
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:51,437
[audience laughing]

265
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,649
Dating is so awkward,
especially dating apps.

266
00:12:55,733 --> 00:13:00,279
A dating app date is not a blind date,
but it is a nearsighted one, you know?

267
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:03,365
The first date's easy.
You get dinner, drinks. That's basic.

268
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:07,203
But then they're like, "This was fun.
We should hang again. What should we do?"

269
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:11,040
You're like, "Well, shit. I'm not a person
with hobbies or interests."

270
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:15,211
"I'm basically just a stack
of frightened possums in a trench coat,

271
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:18,756
doing an impression of someone
I saw on the street eight years ago."

272
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:21,509
So then you gotta go home
and get online like a loser.

273
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,803
"Date Ideas, 2023."

274
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:25,930
We could bowl.

275
00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:28,599
Ever drive past a bowling alley?
"How do these stay open?"

276
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,059
Second dates, that's how.

277
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:32,394
We could bowl or mini golf.

278
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:34,271
Is laser tag a real thing?

279
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:37,233
You're just doing shit
church youth groups do

280
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:40,027
when they're trying
not to touch each other.

281
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:42,363
Just, "Lace up those bowling shoes,
my man."

282
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:45,282
"You're either gonna commit
to me or Christ tonight."

283
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,368
"Can't finger these holes.
You can finger those."

284
00:13:47,451 --> 00:13:50,621
"Pick your ball. Pick your ball."

285
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,626
I'm an introvert,
and I think that's why dating's harder.

286
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:58,337
Extroverts are better.
You like getting to know people.

287
00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:00,214
You're into it for some reason.

288
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:02,925
That's why you're better at casual sex.
When you think about it,

289
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:06,637
a one-night stand is meeting someone
as hard as you possibly can.

290
00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:11,600
I've never been able
to have casual sex as an introvert.

291
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:14,353
I can't relate to my male comic friends
in green rooms

292
00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:16,772
when they're talking shop about road sex.

293
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:21,068
"Yeah, I had sex with this girl
and then lost interest after I came."

294
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:24,822
I'm like, "Totally. That's how I feel
after I poop in a Barnes & Noble."

295
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:30,536
Right? 'Cause it's like,
"I got what I came for. We can go."

296
00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:35,541
Those are my most fun friends to talk to.

297
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:39,128
My friends who have casual sex regularly,
I always want to hear their updates.

298
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,380
I have a friend on Tinder.
I call her every Monday.

299
00:14:41,463 --> 00:14:42,506
"How was your weekend?"

300
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,925
She goes, "Great.
Remember that guy I told you about?"

301
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:47,011
"He is so good at dirty talk, Taylor."

302
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:49,305
I'm like, "What's good dirty talk,
in your opinion?"

303
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:53,017
She goes, "I really like being called
a slut and a whore."

304
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,184
I'm like, "Oh my God."

305
00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:57,313
"If you like being called a slut
and a whore in bed,

306
00:14:57,396 --> 00:15:00,733
your parents loved you so much."

307
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:05,613
Dirty talk is hot because it's shit
you've never heard before. Ooh!

308
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:08,574
If someone called me a whore
in bed, I'd be like,

309
00:15:08,657 --> 00:15:09,700
"Excuse me?"

310
00:15:09,783 --> 00:15:12,703
"That's what my father calls me."

311
00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:17,499
"That is a family name. Boundaries, sir."

312
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:18,459
"Look around."

313
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,544
"Is this sex or Thanksgiving?"

314
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:23,172
Read the room.

315
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,174
I wanna hear shit in bed I've never heard.

316
00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:28,969
I wanna hear like,
"Hey. I set up a college fund for you."

317
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,013
[audience laughing]

318
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,349
"I think your arms look too thin."

319
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:37,102
"I really enjoyed your Netflix special."

320
00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:40,731
I have some daddy issues.

321
00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:43,692
I'm working on 'em. In therapy.
Not in my relationships, not anymore.

322
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,362
I used to put my dad and ex-boyfriends
in the same group text

323
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:47,446
and write in all-caps,

324
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:51,033
"I don't feel pretty today.
Whose fault do we think that is?"

325
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,035
[audience member] Yeah!

326
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:54,119
"Discuss."

327
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,579
[audience laughs]

328
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,585
That worked better than it usually does.
I'm worried about you guys.

329
00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:03,128
[audience laughs]

330
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:06,840
That one's usually for me.
Are we all right?

331
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,929
I really like you guys.
You guys are great.

332
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:15,015
[audience laughing, cheering]

333
00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:21,939
Another friend is such an extrovert,
she's gonna have a threesome with a guy.

334
00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:23,107
I was like, "Really?"

335
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:25,567
She goes, "Yeah. Would you?"
I was like, "God, no."

336
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:28,362
I don't even want to hang out
with two other people.

337
00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:31,740
I've never been in the middle seat
on a flight, fighting for an armrest,

338
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:34,201
like, "Wish we were all naked.
That would be cool."

339
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:35,285
[audience laughing]

340
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,751
I don't think
I could date an extrovert again.

341
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,045
I dated an extrovert once.
We moved in together.

342
00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:48,382
The first week, he's like,
"Hey, what if we had some people over?"

343
00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:51,468
I was like, "Look, if you don't wanna
be with me, just say so."

344
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,929
"You want to have people over? Over what?"

345
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,389
"My dead body?"

346
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:58,267
If you're an extrovert
in love with an introvert,

347
00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:00,853
you gotta understand,
asking us to invite people over

348
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:02,730
is like asking us to do anal.

349
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:04,189
Watch our face change.

350
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,150
Like, "I'm sorry."

351
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:07,985
"Is it your birthday?"

352
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,406
Seems like a big ask for a random Tuesday.

353
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:16,118
I live alone now. It's incredible.

354
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:19,663
I fall asleep in the middle of the bed
like a boy king. "Good night, Joffrey."

355
00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:21,623
It's fantastic.

356
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,083
I eat all the food I buy.

357
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,002
Every grocery goes in me or it goes bad.

358
00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,337
That's power, DC. Yeah.

359
00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:32,593
If I clog the toilet at home,
I don't have to deal with it right away.

360
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,220
That's freedom, DC.

361
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:37,806
When I lived
with a man I was attracted to,

362
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,684
I was like, "Please, toilet.
Don't tell him I'm a human woman."

363
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:44,021
"I beg of you, take my dark secrets
to your watery grave."

364
00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:45,981
"Remember our bargain!"

365
00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:50,402
Now I'm like, "You loser toilet,
that's what lids are for!"

366
00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:53,864
"You wanna see the sky? Do your job."

367
00:17:53,947 --> 00:17:56,492
[audience laughing]

368
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:02,498
I was so afraid of being single
all throughout my twenties.

369
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,124
I was terrified of being single.

370
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,460
I used to jump
from relationship to relationship.

371
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:09,004
'Cause I was so scared
that I was gonna die alone.

372
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,590
Now that I'm older,
I'm like, "I'm not gonna die alone."

373
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:14,093
I don't go hiking by myself, all right?

374
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,886
Someone will be there when I die.

375
00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:18,555
A doctor, a murderer,
someone will bear witness.

376
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,643
I've been single for the last year now,

377
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:26,355
and it has been
the most relaxing year of my entire life.

378
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:29,441
- [audience cheers]
- It has been lovely.

379
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:30,859
Waking up every day going,

380
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:34,071
"Oh, no one's gonna
make me cry today but me."

381
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,782
The peace, it's lovely.

382
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:39,701
Here's the thing.
Being single is not what sucks.

383
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:43,330
Dating is what sucks,
and you can opt out of that.

384
00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:45,082
Dating is what's shitty.

385
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:47,835
The constant push and pull
of hope and disappointment.

386
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:51,213
Dating feels like
being a stuffed animal in a claw machine.

387
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,757
Like, "Oh my God!
It's happening! No, it's not."

388
00:18:58,637 --> 00:18:59,930
"Oh my God, here we go."

389
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:02,599
"Can't believe I told people!
That's embarrassing."

390
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,602
[Tomlinson tutting]

391
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:07,563
"You're moving me over
to get to something else.

392
00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:09,273
"I understand. I get that."

393
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,318
Things change so quickly
as you're getting older.

394
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:16,822
I had a friend. I didn't talk to her
for a couple weeks. I called to catch up.

395
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:20,117
She goes, "You'll never guess.
I think I met my soulmate on Bumble."

396
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,578
Gone, just like that.
They're getting married this spring.

397
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:26,081
We were lying in the same pile
of stuffed animals for years.

398
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:29,835
I closed my eyes, and when I open 'em,
she was outside the glass going,

399
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:32,421
"It'll happen for you too!"

400
00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:34,506
[audience laughing]

401
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:37,885
[Tomlinson exhales]

402
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:45,684
I love being
the neutral friend who's not dating

403
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:49,354
because as you get closer to 30,
breakups get more and more devastating.

404
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:50,939
Half my friends are engaged,

405
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:55,152
half are going through the worst breakup
with the person they were gonna die with.

406
00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:57,821
Which means half the calls I get are,
"I'm getting married,"

407
00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,698
and the other half are, "I'm getting old!"

408
00:19:59,781 --> 00:20:03,327
And I'm like, "<i>I</i> am getting Taco Bell.
Who wants something?"

409
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,246
Taco Bell, good for every occasion.

410
00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:11,877
Nothing'll make you
more grateful to be single

411
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,213
than watching your friend
go through a devastating breakup.

412
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,340
That's messed up to say,
but it's the truth.

413
00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:19,760
A friend who went through a breakup
still follows her ex on social media.

414
00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:22,638
They're trying to be mature and evolved.
Rookie mistake.

415
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:27,142
Her ex just posted
a photo of him and his new girlfriend,

416
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,352
who is a model.

417
00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:29,311
[audience winces]

418
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:30,854
Don't worry. We all called her.

419
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:34,441
We're like, "Hey, how's it going?
Have you been online today?"

420
00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:38,111
"Because we were thinking
of maybe doing a no-screens day."

421
00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:42,032
"We were thinking maybe we just
power down, get a quilt, find a field."

422
00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:44,785
"Maybe crack the Bible open one more time.
I don't know."

423
00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:46,536
She's like, "I already saw it."

424
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:49,706
We're like, "Oh, we're too late.
Okay. Um, are you okay?"

425
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:53,335
She's like, "No, honestly, I wish
he was just dating a man instead."

426
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:56,171
We're like,
"Oh, you are so problematic, Trish."

427
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:59,508
"Why would that be better for you
if he was dating a man instead?"

428
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:00,717
She goes, "No, listen."

429
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:03,262
"'Cause if he dumped me
for a man, it would be like,

430
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:07,474
'Well, okay, then he just wanted something
that I could never be.'"

431
00:21:07,557 --> 00:21:12,229
We were like, "Well, yeah.
I mean, that's kinda... well... Right?"

432
00:21:12,729 --> 00:21:16,358
"No, no, no! No! No. No."

433
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:17,985
"No, you're so pretty, babe."

434
00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:20,487
"But like a model?
That's kind of like a different--"

435
00:21:20,570 --> 00:21:23,448
"Look around. Don't you think
if you were a model, we'd all be models?"

436
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:26,868
"Like, this isn't model squad.
This is personality squad."

437
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:29,955
"Like, this is a different... team
you're on."

438
00:21:32,916 --> 00:21:35,544
We have another friend
who got cheated on, which is crazy.

439
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:36,753
You can't cheat anymore.

440
00:21:36,837 --> 00:21:39,006
It's not the '90s, you idiot!

441
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,216
Your phone is tracking
your every movement.

442
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:44,678
You're going to get caught.
You're gonna buy your side chick flowers.

443
00:21:44,761 --> 00:21:47,306
Your wife's gonna get
a text from Bank of America.

444
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:51,643
Like, "We noticed
that Steve was being thoughtful?"

445
00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:52,728
[audience laughs]

446
00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:56,606
"That just seemed
like suspicious activity...

447
00:21:57,899 --> 00:22:01,028
over here at BoA,
'cause we know that POS."

448
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:03,113
[audience laughs]

449
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:08,076
It's important to hang out with
married friends if you are the single one.

450
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,078
You play an important role in their lives.

451
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:13,248
I love to third-wheel my married friends,
go to dinner, see a movie.

452
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:16,960
'Cause I love when they walk up
to meet me in front of the restaurant,

453
00:22:17,044 --> 00:22:19,671
and I can tell
that they've been fighting in the car.

454
00:22:19,755 --> 00:22:21,340
[audience laughs]

455
00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:23,300
Married people think you hide it so well.

456
00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:28,055
You're just like, "Let's just table it
till later and have a nice evening."

457
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,431
Then you come in real sweaty.

458
00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:32,267
[in stilted tone] "Hey. Good to see you.
Glad we're finally doing this."

459
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:36,188
"Did they bring bread?
The bread should've beat us here."

460
00:22:36,271 --> 00:22:38,440
"Hey, can we get some bread, please?"

461
00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:42,402
"Can we get something to do with our hands
other than attack each other, please?"

462
00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:43,987
"How are you? Tell us about you."

463
00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:46,406
"Don't make me look at her.
Don't make me look at her."

464
00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:51,828
That's when you, as a single friend,
tell your married friends about dating.

465
00:22:51,912 --> 00:22:56,166
You get to tell them about the ghosting,
the catfishing, and the deepfake AI porn.

466
00:22:56,249 --> 00:22:59,544
And you know, they get back
in the car a few hours later like...

467
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:02,964
[shaky, relieved sigh]

468
00:23:07,969 --> 00:23:10,764
"I don't say this enough,
but I'm grateful for you."

469
00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:12,849
[audience laughing]

470
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,604
Hang out with your married friends,
go to their barbeque.

471
00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:19,398
"I'd love to come. What can I bring?"

472
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:21,775
"Ice? Dessert? Perspective?"

473
00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:26,363
Want to know the best part
about being single?

474
00:23:26,446 --> 00:23:28,240
The best part, hands down,

475
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:31,576
is that you do not
have to introduce anybody to your parents.

476
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,787
Have you guys introduced
people to your parents?

477
00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:36,748
It's not about introducing people
you love to one another.

478
00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:37,958
Is it? No!

479
00:23:38,041 --> 00:23:41,420
It's about showing your partner
why you're mean to them sometimes.

480
00:23:41,503 --> 00:23:43,505
[audience laughing]

481
00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:49,261
It's about taking your sexual partner
back to the scene of the crime.

482
00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:53,473
To say, "See? The stories are true."

483
00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:56,977
You don't want your partner
to like your parents.

484
00:23:57,060 --> 00:24:00,772
You want them to walk out of that night
going, "Oh my God."

485
00:24:01,731 --> 00:24:03,775
"Your parents are just..."

486
00:24:03,859 --> 00:24:06,069
"I know. I know."

487
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:08,572
"Seriously, babe. How did you ever...?"

488
00:24:08,655 --> 00:24:11,491
"I don't know. I don't know."

489
00:24:11,575 --> 00:24:14,286
"Kinda seems like people
should cut me some slack

490
00:24:14,369 --> 00:24:16,455
when I'm being a bitch, though, huh?"

491
00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:18,540
[audience laughing, whooping]

492
00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:23,795
"Kinda seems like maybe
now that we have all the information,

493
00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:27,257
turns out I could be
a lot crazier if I wanted."

494
00:24:28,633 --> 00:24:31,803
"But I keep a lid on it pretty good, and..."

495
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:35,515
"I deserve to stop
at Target on the way home."

496
00:24:37,517 --> 00:24:39,769
"With no time limit."

497
00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:42,856
"And I want a cart."

498
00:24:42,939 --> 00:24:45,066
"Not a basket."

499
00:24:48,653 --> 00:24:50,864
Be careful when you introduce people
to your parents.

500
00:24:50,947 --> 00:24:53,700
Your parents don't always show up
as your parents, do they?

501
00:24:53,783 --> 00:24:58,413
Mine never did. My parents undermined me
every time I brought someone to meet them.

502
00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,957
I did everything right.
I did the huddle in the car before.

503
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:04,294
"Hey, remember, those people in there,
they're not your friends."

504
00:25:04,377 --> 00:25:07,964
"Whatever they say, do not take
that personally. It's not you. It's them."

505
00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:10,175
"You want to write that on your hand?"

506
00:25:10,258 --> 00:25:12,969
"You can look at my tattoo
if you get scared. Let's do it."

507
00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:14,763
Then you go inside,

508
00:25:14,846 --> 00:25:17,891
prepared for your parents
to show their true colors,

509
00:25:17,974 --> 00:25:20,727
and your parents float downstairs.

510
00:25:20,810 --> 00:25:22,729
And they're just amazing all night.

511
00:25:22,812 --> 00:25:24,689
They're fun, cool, laid-back.

512
00:25:24,773 --> 00:25:26,650
Your dad's in an open Hawaiian shirt.

513
00:25:26,733 --> 00:25:29,361
Just a one-man conga line,
topping off drinks.

514
00:25:29,444 --> 00:25:33,198
Saying all kinds of progressive shit
you've never heard him say.

515
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,284
"You want another beer?
We should golf sometime."

516
00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:38,203
"What are your pronouns again?"

517
00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:40,997
[mouthing] What the fuck?

518
00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:45,460
And you gotta get back in the car later,
muttering like a conspiracy theorist.

519
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:49,923
"That was not... and I was there, and I know
what happened, and it was right there."

520
00:25:50,006 --> 00:25:53,510
"No one can tell me what didn't happen,
and I know about everything."

521
00:25:53,593 --> 00:25:55,220
[Tomlinson muttering]

522
00:25:55,303 --> 00:25:56,721
Your boyfriend buckles up, like,

523
00:25:56,805 --> 00:25:59,224
"I don't know, babe.
Your parents are awesome."

524
00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:02,561
And you're like, "Ugh."

525
00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:05,355
"No, they are not."

526
00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:08,275
"I don't know
who those lizard people were,

527
00:26:09,276 --> 00:26:12,028
but they are not the ones who broke me."

528
00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,322
The next time you see your parents,

529
00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:16,658
they're all smug, like,
"Jason seemed to like us."

530
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:19,160
You're like, "I know what you're doing."

531
00:26:19,661 --> 00:26:22,747
"Maybe your therapist wants to meet us.
Get our side of the story."

532
00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:25,417
"I cannot wait till you're in the ground."

533
00:26:26,668 --> 00:26:28,795
"All right, well,
we'd like to be cremated."

534
00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:32,048
"I will scatter your ashes
where God can't find them!"

535
00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:33,883
[audience laughing]

536
00:26:38,305 --> 00:26:40,265
"I will see you both at Easter."

537
00:26:46,646 --> 00:26:48,356
Therapy gets better when you're single too

538
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:50,650
'cause you have time
to dig into things like that.

539
00:26:51,526 --> 00:26:54,529
When you're in a relationship,
you waste half of every session

540
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:57,407
going over all the shit
your partner won't go to therapy for.

541
00:26:57,490 --> 00:27:00,243
When you're single,
that's an hour of you every week.

542
00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:03,788
It's almost too much time.
You gotta start doing your homework.

543
00:27:03,872 --> 00:27:05,081
After my last breakup,

544
00:27:05,165 --> 00:27:08,001
I was coming into therapy hot
every week with ideas.

545
00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:11,379
"You know what I realized this week?
The elementary school I went to?"

546
00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:13,423
"Across the street from a cemetery."

547
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,351
And she's like, "Okay. And...?"

548
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:28,021
I'm like, "I don't know, but that seems
like something, doesn't it?"

549
00:27:28,104 --> 00:27:31,274
"I bring the ingredients.
You bake the cake. I'm not a doctor."

550
00:27:32,067 --> 00:27:33,360
"I went down deep inside me,

551
00:27:33,443 --> 00:27:35,695
found something scary,
brought it back up to you."

552
00:27:35,779 --> 00:27:37,697
"I was so brave. Where's my treat?"

553
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:39,407
[audience laughing]

554
00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:45,413
{\an8}"So brave, favorite client!"

555
00:27:47,332 --> 00:27:49,918
I want to find out
if I'm my therapist's favorite client.

556
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:51,878
You can't ask.
They won't tell. I've tried.

557
00:27:54,631 --> 00:27:56,591
The only way
I can think to figure this out

558
00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:58,968
is to get in touch
with another one of her clients.

559
00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:05,850
And then me
and that client plan to call her,

560
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:07,352
over the weekend.

561
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:08,978
Separately.

562
00:28:09,562 --> 00:28:11,815
At the exact same time...

563
00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:15,193
suicidal.

564
00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:17,112
[audience laughs, winces]

565
00:28:17,195 --> 00:28:20,490
And then we just see whose call she takes.

566
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:24,285
We both wanna end it.
Who you want to keep here, Dr. S?

567
00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:26,871
And then whoever wins,
we go to the next set of clients.

568
00:28:26,955 --> 00:28:28,873
And we just kind of do brackets.

569
00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:32,627
Sort of like a March Sadness situation.

570
00:28:33,753 --> 00:28:34,754
[audience laughing]

571
00:28:38,341 --> 00:28:39,843
I've been working on anxiety.

572
00:28:39,926 --> 00:28:42,554
That's been my focus for years.
Anybody have anxiety?

573
00:28:42,637 --> 00:28:45,140
[audience cheers]

574
00:28:45,223 --> 00:28:47,058
Anybody struggle with panic attacks?

575
00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:48,476
[audience cheers]

576
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:52,397
Has anyone ever gone to the emergency room
for anxiety or panic attacks?

577
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:53,565
A few of us!

578
00:28:53,648 --> 00:28:55,817
What did we think was happening?
Heart attack?

579
00:28:55,900 --> 00:29:00,238
Yeah. You get there, and they're like,
"It's actually your mind attacking you."

580
00:29:00,321 --> 00:29:01,531
I'll make you feel better.

581
00:29:01,614 --> 00:29:04,492
I went to the ER once
because I fell asleep in AirPods.

582
00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:05,827
Woke up, couldn't find one.

583
00:29:05,910 --> 00:29:07,245
Thought I swallowed it.

584
00:29:07,328 --> 00:29:08,329
[audience laughing]

585
00:29:14,961 --> 00:29:18,298
"You meant you drove halfway there
and turned around 'cause it was silly?"

586
00:29:18,381 --> 00:29:20,592
Nope. Went the whole way. Got seen.

587
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:25,346
I wish I could pretend this story
happened a really long time ago,

588
00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:28,057
but the technology involved
makes that impossible.

589
00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:32,979
I've always had
a lot of trouble sleeping my entire life.

590
00:29:33,062 --> 00:29:36,816
And before AirPods came out,
I would fall asleep in regular headphones,

591
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:39,652
listening to a podcast or a movie,
something to calm me down.

592
00:29:39,736 --> 00:29:42,322
Before AirPods came out,
headphones had cords on them.

593
00:29:42,405 --> 00:29:45,825
So if you swallowed one,
you'd pull it out like a magician scarf.

594
00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:48,828
They came out with AirPods.
I started falling asleep in those.

595
00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:50,872
So a few years ago,
doesn't matter how many,

596
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:54,667
I fell asleep in two AirPods,
woke up in one AirPod,

597
00:29:54,751 --> 00:29:57,253
and was like,
"Well, obviously, I swallowed it."

598
00:29:58,213 --> 00:29:59,756
Like a baby or a dog.

599
00:30:00,256 --> 00:30:03,510
Convinced my sister
to take me to the emergency room,

600
00:30:03,593 --> 00:30:05,762
ruining Christmas morning for everyone.

601
00:30:05,845 --> 00:30:07,847
[audience laughing]

602
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,642
We get to the emergency room
in our hometown,

603
00:30:10,725 --> 00:30:15,021
where I have to tell three grown women
at the front desk what I'm doing there.

604
00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:17,649
I'm like,
"You probably get this all the time."

605
00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:20,109
"But it would seem

606
00:30:21,069 --> 00:30:22,070
that I may have

607
00:30:23,112 --> 00:30:24,113
inadvertently

608
00:30:24,989 --> 00:30:26,115
in my sleepy-sleeps

609
00:30:27,700 --> 00:30:28,701
swallowed

610
00:30:30,036 --> 00:30:31,579
an AirPod?"

611
00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:32,789
And they were like...

612
00:30:32,872 --> 00:30:34,999
[stifling laughter]

613
00:30:35,083 --> 00:30:37,585
"An AirPod?
Sweetie, those are pretty big."

614
00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:38,962
"Those are big."

615
00:30:39,045 --> 00:30:40,880
"You think you could have swallowed--"

616
00:30:40,964 --> 00:30:43,633
I said, "How about we don't have
a team discussion

617
00:30:43,716 --> 00:30:46,678
about what I can and can't swallow, okay?"

618
00:30:46,761 --> 00:30:48,596
[audience laughing]

619
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,891
They're like, "Someone was ugly
in middle school. We'll take you back."

620
00:30:52,725 --> 00:30:54,352
So, they take me back.

621
00:30:55,061 --> 00:30:56,104
We're waiting for a doctor.

622
00:30:56,187 --> 00:30:58,731
I don't know what I thought
a doctor was gonna do

623
00:30:58,815 --> 00:31:01,025
if I had, in fact, swallowed an AirPod.

624
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:02,652
They're not gonna perform surgery.

625
00:31:02,735 --> 00:31:04,821
They're gonna go, "Yeah, it's in there."

626
00:31:04,904 --> 00:31:07,448
"Well, stop at Taco Bell
on the way home. Good luck."

627
00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:09,701
Taco Bell, good for every occasion.

628
00:31:11,452 --> 00:31:15,039
I don't know what I thought the AirPod
was gonna do to me damage-wise.

629
00:31:15,123 --> 00:31:19,043
I'm like, what if it's still charged?
What if it electrocutes my intestines?

630
00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:21,796
Or starts playing <i>Glee</i> covers
and everyone can hear?

631
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:24,799
My sister's like, "You deleted them all."

632
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,427
"Not all of them.
Some of them are bangers!"

633
00:31:29,846 --> 00:31:31,764
Before a doctor can come in to see us,

634
00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:34,142
my other sister calls us
from home and goes,

635
00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:36,728
"Hey, yeah.
We found it in the pillowcase."

636
00:31:38,104 --> 00:31:40,899
"Does crazy want to come home
and have pancakes now?"

637
00:31:41,399 --> 00:31:42,400
I'm so embarrassed.

638
00:31:42,483 --> 00:31:45,069
I want to sneak out the back
as quickly as possible.

639
00:31:45,153 --> 00:31:46,487
I'm like, "Let's just go."

640
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:49,490
My sister's like, "They're gonna think
something bad happened."

641
00:31:49,574 --> 00:31:51,659
I was like, "Something bad did. Let's go!"

642
00:31:51,743 --> 00:31:53,411
She's like, "That's an emergency exit."

643
00:31:53,494 --> 00:31:56,664
I'm like, "It's an emergency room.
It's a regular exit. Let's leave!"

644
00:31:57,165 --> 00:31:59,083
Here's my problem with the emergency room.

645
00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:02,545
When you are having an anxiety
or panic attack, it is your only option.

646
00:32:02,629 --> 00:32:05,381
Which is why I think they need
a second option next door

647
00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:07,133
called "the Anxiety Room."

648
00:32:07,216 --> 00:32:08,051
All right?

649
00:32:08,134 --> 00:32:10,136
So you have the ER and the AR.

650
00:32:10,219 --> 00:32:13,806
The ER is where you go when you've been
shot, stabbed. You're actively bleeding.

651
00:32:13,890 --> 00:32:17,310
You fill out all that paperwork
'cause that seems like the time to do it.

652
00:32:18,186 --> 00:32:20,688
And then the AR
is where you go when you're like,

653
00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:25,568
"I don't know where the bad is,
but it's in me somewhere."

654
00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:30,448
"It's either cancer or the devil,
but I have to get it out."

655
00:32:30,531 --> 00:32:33,242
And that is just
one fill-in-the-blank form that says,

656
00:32:33,326 --> 00:32:36,496
"I know that it is probably fine, but..."

657
00:32:36,579 --> 00:32:37,580
[audience laughing]

658
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:45,088
"My bones feel itchy. I don't know!"

659
00:32:46,339 --> 00:32:49,759
"I just need someone in a white coat
to tell me I'm stupid."

660
00:32:51,052 --> 00:32:53,846
I know I mentioned during that joke
I have trouble sleeping.

661
00:32:53,930 --> 00:32:58,101
Please, for the love of God,
do not DM me articles after this show.

662
00:32:58,184 --> 00:33:01,854
I know you mean well, but I promise you
I've read every sleep article out there.

663
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:03,564
"Three ways how to sleep better!"

664
00:33:03,648 --> 00:33:07,151
It is the same recycled tips
over and over and over.

665
00:33:07,235 --> 00:33:09,904
"Get a light lavender mist to spray

666
00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:12,740
on the cold side of your pillow
at twilight."

667
00:33:12,824 --> 00:33:14,158
What am I, a witch?

668
00:33:16,035 --> 00:33:19,789
"Make sure it's really dark
and quiet in your room at night."

669
00:33:19,872 --> 00:33:24,335
"Oh my God, it's supposed to be dark?
I'm such a dumb bitch."

670
00:33:24,419 --> 00:33:27,672
"I've been sleeping under a disco ball.
Because vibes."

671
00:33:27,755 --> 00:33:28,715
"I didn't know!"

672
00:33:28,798 --> 00:33:31,009
"Okay. Dark, quiet, check. Fixed!"

673
00:33:33,553 --> 00:33:37,223
"Why not leave your cell phone
in a different room at night?"

674
00:33:37,306 --> 00:33:39,392
"Why don't you put your baby outside?"

675
00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:40,476
[audience laughing]

676
00:33:42,186 --> 00:33:43,187
[audience cheering]

677
00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:52,905
This is not to say that
I'm against sleep advice. I'm just jaded.

678
00:33:52,989 --> 00:33:56,075
I think I feel about sleep tips
the way a lot of men feel about porn.

679
00:33:56,159 --> 00:33:59,287
Where I'm like,
"No, I've seen all the basic stuff."

680
00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:02,457
"Send me something weird."

681
00:34:05,334 --> 00:34:06,627
I'm gonna ask this question.

682
00:34:06,711 --> 00:34:09,422
Let me preface this.
It's okay if nobody has an answer.

683
00:34:09,505 --> 00:34:12,633
I ask every audience every night.
It's nothing weird.

684
00:34:12,717 --> 00:34:17,513
If you think that you have
a weird sleep tip I've never heard of...

685
00:34:17,597 --> 00:34:21,476
I've read every article, listened
to every podcast, seen a lot of TikToks.

686
00:34:21,559 --> 00:34:24,479
I ask this question to every audience,
every night of this tour.

687
00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:29,067
If you think you have a weird sleep tip
that I have never ever heard of,

688
00:34:29,150 --> 00:34:31,027
raise your hand and tell me what that is.

689
00:34:31,110 --> 00:34:35,656
That being said, if anybody goes,
"Have you tried the Calm meditation app?"

690
00:34:35,740 --> 00:34:37,158
I will have you removed.

691
00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:39,243
[audience laughing]

692
00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:43,456
It's okay if no one has one.
Does anyone have one?

693
00:34:43,539 --> 00:34:45,291
We got a confident one right here.

694
00:34:45,374 --> 00:34:46,417
What have you got?

695
00:34:46,501 --> 00:34:48,211
- [audience member 1] Masturbate.
<i>- </i>  Masturbate?

696
00:34:48,294 --> 00:34:49,962
Bitch, please.

697
00:34:51,047 --> 00:34:53,841
You think I haven't tried masturbating?

698
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:57,136
I don't go to sleep.
I <i>come</i> to sleep. Next.

699
00:34:57,220 --> 00:34:59,222
[audience laughing, cheering]

700
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:01,933
All right.

701
00:35:03,017 --> 00:35:04,727
What else we got? Thanks for playing.

702
00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:05,853
What have you got?

703
00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:08,356
- [no audible reply]
- There's two things?

704
00:35:08,439 --> 00:35:10,399
And I do them in order? Okay.

705
00:35:10,483 --> 00:35:12,568
[audience member 2]
You have to do a handstand.

706
00:35:12,652 --> 00:35:16,697
I have to do a handstand against the wall?
Okay. Yoga, no.

707
00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:20,993
This sounds like I need
to be hotter for this. I can't.

708
00:35:21,077 --> 00:35:23,287
Well, all right.
I just want to hear the end.

709
00:35:23,371 --> 00:35:26,707
- So you do a handstand against the wall.
- Just a couple seconds.

710
00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:30,336
Just for a couple seconds.
Just easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl.

711
00:35:30,419 --> 00:35:31,921
This is how hot people talk.

712
00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:35,466
They're like, "Just do a handstand
for 10 seconds. It's no big deal."

713
00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:37,760
You're like, "Some of us are top-heavy."

714
00:35:38,845 --> 00:35:40,471
All right, anyway. Sorry, go ahead.

715
00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:44,016
- You need to be upside down.
- And then you sleep upside down.

716
00:35:44,100 --> 00:35:47,603
I haven't heard the handstand part,
but I have heard sleep upside down.

717
00:35:47,687 --> 00:35:49,438
'Cause it changes the bed, yeah.

718
00:35:49,522 --> 00:35:52,775
It confuses your body.
Yeah, confuse yourself to sleep. Okay.

719
00:35:52,859 --> 00:35:55,027
That's one. I've half-heard that one.

720
00:35:55,111 --> 00:35:57,530
Okay, so we'll half give it to you.

721
00:35:57,613 --> 00:36:00,783
Anybody else think
they have a weird one? Really weird.

722
00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:02,201
It's okay if nobody does.

723
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:04,745
- I'm just curious. Who said "Whoo"?
- [audience member 3] Whoo!

724
00:36:05,329 --> 00:36:08,207
- All right, what do you got?
- Listen to him talk.

725
00:36:08,291 --> 00:36:10,376
- Listen to who?
- This guy.

726
00:36:10,459 --> 00:36:13,754
Listen to the guy you're with talk?

727
00:36:14,672 --> 00:36:16,507
Are you trying to get left?

728
00:36:17,508 --> 00:36:20,636
Or are you trying
to offload your partner right now?

729
00:36:21,220 --> 00:36:23,055
You're like, "This one's available."

730
00:36:23,139 --> 00:36:26,726
"He just talks and talks.
You fall asleep eventually."

731
00:36:26,809 --> 00:36:28,144
"This dude right here."

732
00:36:28,227 --> 00:36:30,271
Wow, okay. That was fun.

733
00:36:30,354 --> 00:36:33,482
We all stepped in a divorce.
Wasn't that a good time?

734
00:36:33,566 --> 00:36:36,110
That's the first time
that's happened when I ask that.

735
00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:37,695
Every night, never one of those.

736
00:36:37,778 --> 00:36:41,407
"Take this boring piece of shit home."

737
00:36:41,490 --> 00:36:43,492
[audience laughing]

738
00:36:46,204 --> 00:36:48,080
All right. Last one. What you got?

739
00:36:48,164 --> 00:36:52,001
[audience member 4] Listen to someone's
random phone calls in the other room.

740
00:36:52,084 --> 00:36:55,046
I listen to my mom
have a conversation with my grandma--

741
00:36:55,129 --> 00:36:59,300
You eavesdrop on somebody's...
phone conversation from the other room?

742
00:36:59,383 --> 00:37:01,552
You listen to your mom
talk to your grandma?

743
00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:04,472
Did you miss the whole part
where I said I am alone?

744
00:37:04,555 --> 00:37:06,557
[audience laughs]

745
00:37:08,809 --> 00:37:11,896
At least the last girl offered me someone.

746
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:16,984
"Have you tried falling asleep

747
00:37:17,068 --> 00:37:19,320
to the sound of people who love you
in the other room?"

748
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:22,406
I would that I could!

749
00:37:25,326 --> 00:37:27,662
Okay, well, those hurt my feelings.

750
00:37:30,498 --> 00:37:33,584
I'm gonna tell you
the best one I've heard on this tour.

751
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:35,169
It was a few months ago.

752
00:37:35,253 --> 00:37:37,672
A woman in the front row.
"I have a weird sleep tip."

753
00:37:37,755 --> 00:37:38,839
I said, "What you got?"

754
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:40,341
She goes, "When I can't sleep,

755
00:37:40,424 --> 00:37:42,885
I lay on the floor
in the kitchen for 10 minutes."

756
00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:47,431
And I was like,
"Okay. And then what happens?"

757
00:37:47,515 --> 00:37:50,268
She goes, "Then I get back in bed.
I go to sleep."

758
00:37:51,644 --> 00:37:55,982
This poor girl abusive-parents herself.

759
00:37:57,108 --> 00:37:58,818
She's like, "Aw, you can't sleep?"

760
00:37:58,901 --> 00:38:01,320
"You know some kids
don't have beds, right?"

761
00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:04,407
"Go lay face down
on the cold tile for 10 minutes."

762
00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:06,409
"See if you're not
more grateful after that."

763
00:38:06,492 --> 00:38:07,451
And you know what?

764
00:38:07,535 --> 00:38:09,453
I tried it, and it works.

765
00:38:11,247 --> 00:38:13,249
It totally works.

766
00:38:13,332 --> 00:38:15,418
[audience laughing]

767
00:38:15,501 --> 00:38:17,753
I do it on the bathroom floor
in hotel rooms.

768
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:21,090
I've had COVID many times, but...

769
00:38:24,176 --> 00:38:26,137
I want to get a handle on my anxiety.

770
00:38:26,220 --> 00:38:28,681
'Cause if I didn't have anxiety,
I'd be totally different.

771
00:38:28,764 --> 00:38:32,935
The worrying alone takes up so much
mental and emotional energy every day.

772
00:38:33,019 --> 00:38:33,894
It doesn't help.

773
00:38:33,978 --> 00:38:36,439
It doesn't prepare you
for anything bad happening.

774
00:38:36,522 --> 00:38:39,775
I told my therapist recently,
"I know worrying doesn't do any good."

775
00:38:39,859 --> 00:38:44,238
"What's that quote by that philosopher?
'When you worry, you just suffer twice.'"

776
00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:45,489
She goes, "Who said it?"

777
00:38:45,573 --> 00:38:48,409
I looked it up.
It's from a fucking <i>Harry Potter</i> prequel.

778
00:38:48,492 --> 00:38:50,494
[audience laughing]

779
00:38:50,578 --> 00:38:53,372
I was so confident,
I Googled it in front of her.

780
00:38:53,456 --> 00:38:55,499
She's like, "What philosopher said that?"

781
00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:57,793
I'm like, "Newt Scamander. Shit."

782
00:39:01,213 --> 00:39:03,424
"Think it was a fortune cookie.
Can we move on?"

783
00:39:03,507 --> 00:39:06,302
"I don't want to talk about it anymore."

784
00:39:08,054 --> 00:39:10,931
Without anxiety,
I'd have a totally different personality

785
00:39:11,015 --> 00:39:13,768
because so many decisions
I make in life are fear-based,

786
00:39:13,851 --> 00:39:16,103
or so many decisions
I <i>don't</i> make are fear-based.

787
00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:19,732
I watch the same shows and movies
over and over because it calms me down.

788
00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:21,233
I know what to expect.

789
00:39:21,317 --> 00:39:25,112
I date the same type of person over
and over 'cause I know what to expect.

790
00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:26,947
If you think you have a "type," you don't.

791
00:39:27,031 --> 00:39:28,824
You have anxiety. See someone.

792
00:39:30,493 --> 00:39:32,203
I have three younger siblings.

793
00:39:32,286 --> 00:39:35,831
They're all Gen Z, they're all queer,
they're all in serious relationships,

794
00:39:35,915 --> 00:39:37,792
and they're all so disappointed in me

795
00:39:37,875 --> 00:39:41,253
every time I start dating
another straight white guy.

796
00:39:41,337 --> 00:39:44,006
They're like, "Come on, Taylor.
Fuck the patriarchy."

797
00:39:44,090 --> 00:39:47,426
I'm like, "You guys,
I'm literally fucking the patriarchy."

798
00:39:48,594 --> 00:39:51,389
Do you know how hard it is
to continue dating straight men

799
00:39:51,472 --> 00:39:54,308
when you're surrounded
by three queer relationships up close?

800
00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:57,686
Queer relationships are the most
beautiful, thoughtful, creative things

801
00:39:57,770 --> 00:39:58,771
I've ever seen in my life.

802
00:39:58,854 --> 00:40:02,358
My sister and her partner
are in a romance novel.

803
00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:05,611
Every time I talk to them, I'm like,
"I know you had a hard week. You okay?"

804
00:40:05,694 --> 00:40:06,987
She's like, "Yeah. I did."

805
00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:08,781
"To cheer me up, my partner got me

806
00:40:08,864 --> 00:40:10,908
my favorite snack
in a limited edition flavor,

807
00:40:10,991 --> 00:40:14,161
they got me sand from the beach
we went to on our first date,

808
00:40:14,245 --> 00:40:17,164
and you know how I always wanted
an Easy-Bake Oven and never got it?"

809
00:40:17,248 --> 00:40:18,707
"They found one on eBay."

810
00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:22,545
[audience laughs]

811
00:40:22,628 --> 00:40:25,089
I'm like, "Oh my God,
are they cheating on you?"

812
00:40:25,798 --> 00:40:29,718
She's like, "What? No! They listen to me
and remember things I say."

813
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:32,263
I'm like, "What?
No, go through their phone."

814
00:40:33,347 --> 00:40:36,016
"This shit stinks.
Go through their phone. Trust me."

815
00:40:36,100 --> 00:40:39,103
She's like, "Okay. How are you
and your boyfriend doing, Taylor?"

816
00:40:39,186 --> 00:40:40,855
I'm like, "Oh, we're good."

817
00:40:40,938 --> 00:40:43,566
"My boyfriend bought me a hot dog

818
00:40:43,649 --> 00:40:47,987
because he wanted one
and I was there too."

819
00:40:50,072 --> 00:40:51,490
"It was so romantic."

820
00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:54,702
"He was like,
'What? Sorry. Two, I guess.'"

821
00:40:56,662 --> 00:40:59,540
I don't mean to shit on straight guys.
I've dated a lot of you.

822
00:40:59,623 --> 00:41:03,294
But you are so proud of yourselves
for almost nothing in a relationship.

823
00:41:03,377 --> 00:41:05,504
It is impressive to watch.

824
00:41:05,588 --> 00:41:08,799
A straight man will put a candle
in his bathroom and be like,

825
00:41:08,883 --> 00:41:11,594
"I've changed my whole life for you!"

826
00:41:15,764 --> 00:41:18,309
Then you're like,
"You didn't even light it, man."

827
00:41:18,851 --> 00:41:22,438
"It kind of smells like lavender
if you get down real close."

828
00:41:22,938 --> 00:41:26,317
"I'd trade this candle for a slice
of empathy, if I'm being honest."

829
00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:30,529
Have you tried to explain the concept
of empathy to a tall, handsome white guy?

830
00:41:30,613 --> 00:41:32,740
That is a delicate conversation.

831
00:41:32,823 --> 00:41:34,825
You're like, "Okay.
Imagine that you're me."

832
00:41:34,909 --> 00:41:35,951
"But I'm not."

833
00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:37,119
Okay.

834
00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:41,540
"Hard to argue. Touché."

835
00:41:41,624 --> 00:41:44,460
"Imagine that you feel how I feel."

836
00:41:44,543 --> 00:41:45,503
"But I don't."

837
00:41:45,586 --> 00:41:46,879
"Okay."

838
00:41:46,962 --> 00:41:49,465
"Imagine that you could feel how I feel."

839
00:41:49,548 --> 00:41:50,466
"I never will."

840
00:41:50,549 --> 00:41:53,511
"Okay. Imagine you're
a basketball player."

841
00:41:53,594 --> 00:41:54,595
"Okay."

842
00:41:54,678 --> 00:41:56,388
[audience laughs]

843
00:41:58,557 --> 00:42:00,184
"What else? I like this game."

844
00:42:00,851 --> 00:42:03,187
"Fine, in this analogy,
you're a basketball player."

845
00:42:03,270 --> 00:42:05,397
"And you're a really great teammate."

846
00:42:05,481 --> 00:42:07,900
"You love your team.
You do everything for your team."

847
00:42:07,983 --> 00:42:09,568
"Your team is not noticing."

848
00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:11,904
"Your team is not appreciating you
for all you do,

849
00:42:11,987 --> 00:42:13,656
for the MVP that you are."

850
00:42:13,739 --> 00:42:16,784
"And this week, your team

851
00:42:17,993 --> 00:42:19,954
forgot your birthday."

852
00:42:21,830 --> 00:42:23,916
"Now, how does that make you feel?"

853
00:42:23,999 --> 00:42:24,917
"That sucks!"

854
00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:26,001
"Yes!"

855
00:42:28,921 --> 00:42:31,799
Trying to get a hot guy to empathize
is like trying to get a woman to come.

856
00:42:31,882 --> 00:42:32,883
"Nobody move!"

857
00:42:34,176 --> 00:42:35,970
"We're so close. It's a car alarm."

858
00:42:36,053 --> 00:42:37,805
"Stay focused, please."

859
00:42:37,888 --> 00:42:39,139
"Worked so hard."

860
00:42:41,350 --> 00:42:43,435
I've been trying to figure out
if I'm bisexual

861
00:42:43,519 --> 00:42:45,980
or if I just binged <i>Euphoria</i> too fast.

862
00:42:46,063 --> 00:42:48,065
[audience laughing]

863
00:42:49,900 --> 00:42:53,696
I've been trying to date women,
but I dunno how to get women to like me.

864
00:42:53,779 --> 00:42:56,240
I know how to get men to like me.
Easy. You trick 'em.

865
00:42:56,323 --> 00:42:59,285
Just wait until they kind of like you,
and then you're like,

866
00:42:59,368 --> 00:43:01,495
"You don't like me."
They're like, "Yeah, I do."

867
00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:02,871
"You don't." "Yeah, I do."

868
00:43:02,955 --> 00:43:04,748
You're like, "No, you don't." "I do!"

869
00:43:04,832 --> 00:43:07,042
You do that
until they get you pregnant, I think.

870
00:43:07,626 --> 00:43:10,045
You just turn it
into a fun challenge for 'em.

871
00:43:10,129 --> 00:43:12,298
"Bet you can't spend your life with me."

872
00:43:12,381 --> 00:43:14,800
They're like,
"Fucking watch me, you bitch!"

873
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:17,636
Like when you ask a kid
to take out the trash,

874
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:19,179
and they're like, "No!"

875
00:43:19,263 --> 00:43:20,973
And you're like, "I'll time you."

876
00:43:21,056 --> 00:43:22,391
And he's like... [gasps]

877
00:43:24,810 --> 00:43:27,438
"See? You didn't even think
you wanted to do that."

878
00:43:27,521 --> 00:43:30,107
He's like, "Who cares?
I'm the fastest boy alive."

879
00:43:33,861 --> 00:43:37,031
Hitting on women is so much harder.
It feels so much more delicate.

880
00:43:37,114 --> 00:43:39,950
Hitting on a woman feels like
trying to skip a stone on a lake.

881
00:43:40,034 --> 00:43:43,203
Hitting on a man feels like
throwing a brick through a window.

882
00:43:43,829 --> 00:43:46,832
Like, "I don't really care.
I just want to see what happens."

883
00:43:46,915 --> 00:43:48,792
"I'm not gonna live here."

884
00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:49,918
I might be sexist.

885
00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:52,463
I'm hearing it now as I'm talking.

886
00:43:52,546 --> 00:43:54,632
I think I'm sexist
because when a man rejects me,

887
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:55,883
I'm like, "This idiot!"

888
00:43:55,966 --> 00:44:00,429
But when a woman rejects me, I'm like,
"She knows what she's talking about. Um..."

889
00:44:02,598 --> 00:44:05,768
I was talking to a friend of mine about it
because you don't wanna just...

890
00:44:05,851 --> 00:44:09,355
It's scary to just say you're bisexual
'cause then someone's always like,

891
00:44:09,438 --> 00:44:12,274
"Prove it. Here's a pic of Margot Robbie.
Are you wet? Lemme feel."

892
00:44:12,358 --> 00:44:13,359
Everyone's really...

893
00:44:14,693 --> 00:44:16,779
Everyone's aggressive about it.
It's weird.

894
00:44:16,862 --> 00:44:18,781
You've got to prove it to people.

895
00:44:18,864 --> 00:44:22,284
Uh, but I was asking my friend about it,
and she goes,

896
00:44:22,368 --> 00:44:24,161
"Obviously, sexuality is a spectrum."

897
00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:25,621
She watched <i>Euphoria</i> too.

898
00:44:26,830 --> 00:44:30,167
She goes, "I know that I'm straight.
I could not go down on another girl."

899
00:44:30,250 --> 00:44:31,460
"I think that's gross."

900
00:44:31,543 --> 00:44:33,504
I was like, "Okay.
Let's think about this."

901
00:44:33,587 --> 00:44:36,548
"Why are you not going down on a girl now?
Is it gross to you?"

902
00:44:36,632 --> 00:44:39,176
And I was like,
"No, it's not that it's gross to me."

903
00:44:39,259 --> 00:44:42,846
"It's that I really don't want
to be bad at something as an adult."

904
00:44:42,930 --> 00:44:46,558
My brother is trans, my sisters are gay,
and I identify as afraid.

905
00:44:46,642 --> 00:44:49,103
I am so afraid of failure.

906
00:44:49,186 --> 00:44:51,313
I can't even stick with new hobbies
as an adult.

907
00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:52,981
How am I supposed to get good at--

908
00:44:53,065 --> 00:44:55,943
Getting good at going down on women
would be like learning piano.

909
00:44:56,026 --> 00:44:57,653
I would love to have that skill.

910
00:44:57,736 --> 00:45:00,114
Bust that shit out at parties,
impress everyone.

911
00:45:00,197 --> 00:45:04,618
But I don't have the time or humility
to sit down and learn new fingerings.

912
00:45:04,702 --> 00:45:05,703
I don't have it.

913
00:45:05,786 --> 00:45:06,995
[laughter, applause]

914
00:45:07,079 --> 00:45:09,623
I get halfway through "Jingle Bells."
I'm like, "I suck."

915
00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:12,292
"I should've started at 12.
I'll never catch up."

916
00:45:13,460 --> 00:45:15,254
I already know how to play clarinet.

917
00:45:15,337 --> 00:45:18,465
It is not my passion,
but I have the respect of my peers.

918
00:45:21,176 --> 00:45:23,429
I have many years
of experience under my belt.

919
00:45:23,512 --> 00:45:25,889
Under someone's belt, under some belts.

920
00:45:26,682 --> 00:45:28,851
When I was a kid,
I didn't know there was another option.

921
00:45:28,934 --> 00:45:31,061
They were like,
"You're a girl, play clarinet."

922
00:45:31,145 --> 00:45:33,439
I was like, "What about piano?
Could I play piano?"

923
00:45:33,522 --> 00:45:35,399
They're like, "Sure, you can play piano

924
00:45:35,482 --> 00:45:38,068
if you want to go to fucking hell!"

925
00:45:38,861 --> 00:45:40,195
Anybody, religious trauma?

926
00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:42,197
- [whooping]
- Do we have any of that in here? Okay.

927
00:45:42,281 --> 00:45:45,367
I'm sorry if you don't have any.
I know I'm a broken record.

928
00:45:45,451 --> 00:45:47,953
I should shut up about it,
but I keep realizing new things.

929
00:45:48,036 --> 00:45:50,122
For example, did you know when you come,

930
00:45:50,205 --> 00:45:52,791
you're not supposed to yell,
"Take that, Jesus!"

931
00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:53,959
Did you know that?

932
00:45:54,042 --> 00:45:55,043
[laughter]

933
00:45:58,172 --> 00:46:00,257
I wish that was a joke, DC.

934
00:46:01,592 --> 00:46:03,051
I really do.

935
00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:07,598
Even if you didn't grow up religious,
a lot of people grew up sheltered.

936
00:46:07,681 --> 00:46:10,517
Round of applause,
how many people did not get a sex talk?

937
00:46:10,601 --> 00:46:13,145
- [audience clapping]
- Round of applause. Yeah, see?

938
00:46:14,938 --> 00:46:17,941
Now, round of applause,
who <i>did</i> get a sex talk growing up?

939
00:46:18,025 --> 00:46:19,651
- Who did get one?
- [audience cheering]

940
00:46:21,153 --> 00:46:23,447
You did. Do you mind me asking
how old you were?

941
00:46:23,530 --> 00:46:25,824
Is it okay I'm talking to you?
I want to make sure.

942
00:46:25,908 --> 00:46:28,786
If I talk to you and you're not into it,
that's completely fine.

943
00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:30,621
I wouldn't talk to a live entertainer.

944
00:46:30,704 --> 00:46:32,956
Do you consent to crowd work?

945
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:35,584
I need a verbal yes.
Not just a thumbs up. Yes?

946
00:46:35,667 --> 00:46:37,669
See? Not that hard. That's how it's done.

947
00:46:37,753 --> 00:46:38,754
All right.

948
00:46:41,423 --> 00:46:44,092
All right. How old were you
when you got the sex talk?

949
00:46:44,176 --> 00:46:45,844
- [audience member] Nine.
<i>- </i>  Nine? Okay.

950
00:46:45,928 --> 00:46:50,182
That seems a little early
but also kind of okay.

951
00:46:50,265 --> 00:46:53,519
I don't know
how tall you were at nine. Right?

952
00:46:54,228 --> 00:46:58,148
Were you asking questions,
or were your parents like, "It's time"?

953
00:46:58,232 --> 00:47:00,317
My mom took me for a picnic in the garden.

954
00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:03,570
Your mom took you
for a picnic in the garden?

955
00:47:04,279 --> 00:47:06,573
Fuck you so hard.

956
00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:08,742
Are you serious?

957
00:47:09,785 --> 00:47:13,038
Your mom took you
to a picnic in the garden

958
00:47:13,121 --> 00:47:15,707
to tell you the horrors of sex.

959
00:47:18,001 --> 00:47:20,629
I'm sorry.
I'm having an emotional reaction to that.

960
00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:23,924
That's the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.

961
00:47:24,007 --> 00:47:26,426
This <i>Secret Garden</i> sex talk.

962
00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:28,595
Holy shit, okay.

963
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:31,181
Wow, what's that like, Lorelai Gilmore?

964
00:47:31,265 --> 00:47:32,391
Fuck me.

965
00:47:34,810 --> 00:47:37,187
So you weren't asking questions
or anything?

966
00:47:37,271 --> 00:47:40,399
Your mom was like, "It's time--"
Oh, you <i>were</i> asking questions?

967
00:47:40,482 --> 00:47:42,442
See, a lot of people ask questions.

968
00:47:42,526 --> 00:47:45,070
And I didn't realize
all these kids were so smart.

969
00:47:45,153 --> 00:47:49,032
I didn't know we were supposed to be.
I never asked any questions.

970
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:50,951
Which is so stupid,
now that I think about it.

971
00:47:51,034 --> 00:47:54,538
'Cause when I was a kid,
before I got my period, I had three holes.

972
00:47:54,621 --> 00:47:57,040
I still do.
I don't know why I said it like that.

973
00:47:57,124 --> 00:48:00,252
I still do. For the record.
Just for anybody watching...

974
00:48:00,335 --> 00:48:03,380
I've always have had, always will have.

975
00:48:03,463 --> 00:48:06,174
I think. When you get
your tubes tied, do they seal it off?

976
00:48:06,258 --> 00:48:07,926
I'm gonna Google it. Forget this.

977
00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:09,344
This was a tangent.

978
00:48:09,428 --> 00:48:11,013
I'll deal with this on my own.

979
00:48:14,057 --> 00:48:16,101
But before I got my period,
I had three holes,

980
00:48:16,184 --> 00:48:19,271
and one of the holes
wasn't doing anything, right?

981
00:48:19,354 --> 00:48:22,357
And I never thought
to ask anyone around me,

982
00:48:22,441 --> 00:48:26,361
"Hey, what's this unemployed hole doing

983
00:48:26,445 --> 00:48:29,448
between my other two holes
that are working pretty hard?"

984
00:48:29,948 --> 00:48:31,533
I just walked around all day like,

985
00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:33,994
"I don't know. That's my big one!"

986
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:37,205
"God knows what he's doing."

987
00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:39,458
"That's where my faith goes."

988
00:48:41,501 --> 00:48:42,878
After I saw <i>Music Man,</i>

989
00:48:42,961 --> 00:48:45,589
I started calling it
my glove compartment, but...

990
00:48:46,256 --> 00:48:47,674
that is another story.

991
00:48:48,175 --> 00:48:50,177
[laughter, applause]

992
00:48:52,429 --> 00:48:53,597
This was my sex talk.

993
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,892
So when I was ten,
I read what sex was in a book.

994
00:48:56,975 --> 00:48:59,269
Not planning on it.
Just like, "Oh my God!"

995
00:48:59,353 --> 00:49:00,270
Tried to forget.

996
00:49:00,354 --> 00:49:02,648
Just assaulted by Judy Blume,
quite frankly.

997
00:49:03,357 --> 00:49:05,859
Then two years later,
my dad was driving me home,

998
00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:09,404
and out of nowhere,
he goes, "Do you know what sex is?"

999
00:49:09,947 --> 00:49:12,991
I was like, "Yeah, I read it in a book.
Let's never speak again."

1000
00:49:13,075 --> 00:49:16,745
And he's like, "All right, I need you
to tell me what it is so I know you know."

1001
00:49:16,828 --> 00:49:19,581
My dad made me give <i>him</i> the sex talk!

1002
00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:22,542
I was like, "Do you know what it is?"

1003
00:49:22,626 --> 00:49:25,671
He's like, "Tell me what you know.
Then I'll tell you what I know."

1004
00:49:26,338 --> 00:49:28,799
"And we'll get
to the bottom of this together."

1005
00:49:30,717 --> 00:49:32,678
I used to ask my parents
for relationship advice

1006
00:49:32,761 --> 00:49:34,262
every time I went through a breakup.

1007
00:49:34,346 --> 00:49:36,974
Don't. Unless you want to learn
about your parents.

1008
00:49:37,057 --> 00:49:38,934
I had a terrible breakup
in my early twenties.

1009
00:49:39,017 --> 00:49:41,311
I was home. My stepmom
was trying to comfort me.

1010
00:49:41,395 --> 00:49:44,606
She goes, "You know, there was
a guy in my twenties I wanted to marry."

1011
00:49:44,690 --> 00:49:46,650
"When it didn't work out,
I was devastated."

1012
00:49:46,733 --> 00:49:48,235
I said, "I didn't know this."

1013
00:49:48,318 --> 00:49:52,114
And my dad goes,
"I did! She talks about him all the time."

1014
00:49:54,324 --> 00:49:56,952
And I was like, "Who was this guy?
What was his deal?"

1015
00:49:57,035 --> 00:50:00,998
She goes, "He was really cool, actually.
He was an Alzheimer's scientist."

1016
00:50:01,081 --> 00:50:02,290
And my dad goes,

1017
00:50:02,374 --> 00:50:05,502
"Notice how that's not cured yet."

1018
00:50:05,585 --> 00:50:06,586
[laughter]

1019
00:50:11,883 --> 00:50:14,970
She's like, "Wow, honey.
I hope we never get Alzheimer's."

1020
00:50:15,053 --> 00:50:19,141
He's like, "I hope we do!
So we can all forget about this guy."

1021
00:50:20,851 --> 00:50:25,022
I used to be way too loose
with who I asked relationship advice from.

1022
00:50:25,105 --> 00:50:27,149
People in the audience, total strangers.

1023
00:50:27,232 --> 00:50:29,067
I asked a couple in the front row once.

1024
00:50:29,151 --> 00:50:31,820
Two couples therapists
who had married each other.

1025
00:50:31,903 --> 00:50:34,531
I know. You ever see
quadruple-stuffed Oreos?

1026
00:50:34,614 --> 00:50:36,616
And you're like, "Enough." Right?

1027
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:39,453
That is a hat on a hat. It's excessive.

1028
00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:41,788
But I was like,
"Two off-duty couples therapists."

1029
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:42,956
"You gotta ask them."

1030
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:46,710
I said, "Any advice for people
in relationships who are fighting a lot?"

1031
00:50:46,793 --> 00:50:47,711
They said, "We do."

1032
00:50:47,794 --> 00:50:51,548
"You know how a lot of people
have a safe word to stop sex?"

1033
00:50:51,631 --> 00:50:54,509
"Everyone needs to have
a safe word during fights."

1034
00:50:54,593 --> 00:50:57,512
I asked a married friend,
"Do you have a safe word for fights?"

1035
00:50:57,596 --> 00:51:01,558
He was like, "What?"
I'm like, "A word that stops the fight."

1036
00:51:01,641 --> 00:51:02,893
He goes, "We have one."

1037
00:51:02,976 --> 00:51:04,144
I said, "What is it?"

1038
00:51:04,227 --> 00:51:05,228
He goes, "Cunt."

1039
00:51:05,312 --> 00:51:07,314
[audience laughing, wincing]

1040
00:51:10,734 --> 00:51:13,987
"But I have to say it.
It doesn't really work if she says it."

1041
00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:17,949
I was like, "Jesus. I was looking
for 'pineapple,' dude, but..."

1042
00:51:19,076 --> 00:51:21,995
I used to ask
for relationship advice after breakups

1043
00:51:22,079 --> 00:51:25,540
because I thought that was me
working on myself, but it really wasn't.

1044
00:51:25,624 --> 00:51:29,503
It was me figuring out how to get into
another relationship, quickly as possible.

1045
00:51:29,586 --> 00:51:31,296
So I wouldn't have to work on myself.

1046
00:51:31,379 --> 00:51:33,757
The reason people
don't want to be single for long

1047
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:36,426
is that once you're single
for a little bit, you start to notice,

1048
00:51:36,510 --> 00:51:39,805
"Ooh, some of the issues
in my relationships are still here."

1049
00:51:40,722 --> 00:51:42,099
And it's just me now.

1050
00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:45,852
There's only one set of footprints
in the sand.

1051
00:51:46,728 --> 00:51:49,439
And no one's carrying my ass.

1052
00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:52,692
I realized in the last year
I have a lot to work on.

1053
00:51:52,776 --> 00:51:54,528
I realized I'm petty in relationships.

1054
00:51:54,611 --> 00:51:57,489
I don't wear perfume when I'm single.
Don't even think about it.

1055
00:51:57,572 --> 00:51:59,449
I wear perfume in a relationship, though.

1056
00:51:59,533 --> 00:52:02,702
Because I know if we break up
and you smell that smell later,

1057
00:52:02,786 --> 00:52:03,870
you'll get sad.

1058
00:52:05,163 --> 00:52:06,957
And that makes me happy.

1059
00:52:07,582 --> 00:52:10,961
I don't wear perfume to smell good.
I wear it to haunt you later.

1060
00:52:12,254 --> 00:52:13,755
I was on a first date with a guy.

1061
00:52:13,839 --> 00:52:16,299
I realized we both had
three younger siblings.

1062
00:52:16,383 --> 00:52:18,885
I said, "Oh my God.
Let's text our sibling group chats."

1063
00:52:18,969 --> 00:52:20,637
"Ask them what our biggest flaw is."

1064
00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:23,431
I'm so fun on a first date.
I can't believe I'm alone.

1065
00:52:24,641 --> 00:52:27,435
He texts his brothers,
"Hey, what's my biggest flaw?"

1066
00:52:27,519 --> 00:52:29,938
They write back, "Works too hard."

1067
00:52:30,438 --> 00:52:32,023
"Cares too much."

1068
00:52:32,107 --> 00:52:35,110
One wrote back, "Dyslexic,"
which I thought was pretty funny.

1069
00:52:35,610 --> 00:52:37,279
He couldn't read it, but I could.

1070
00:52:37,362 --> 00:52:38,363
[audience laughs]

1071
00:52:39,948 --> 00:52:42,742
I text my siblings,
"Hey, guys. What's my biggest flaw?"

1072
00:52:42,826 --> 00:52:44,619
And my brother writes back immediately,

1073
00:52:44,703 --> 00:52:48,832
"You expect everyone to hurt you,
so you leave before they can."

1074
00:52:50,208 --> 00:52:52,169
I was like,
"Dude, I'm on a date right now."

1075
00:52:52,252 --> 00:52:54,296
"Sorry! Works too hard!"

1076
00:52:55,505 --> 00:52:57,465
"I thought this was a secure line!"

1077
00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:01,511
I'm a very emotional person,
very emotional partner.

1078
00:53:01,595 --> 00:53:03,013
I'm run by my emotions.

1079
00:53:03,096 --> 00:53:05,515
Did you know some people
feel feelings privately?

1080
00:53:05,599 --> 00:53:09,728
Have you guys heard about
this compartmentalizing bullshit?

1081
00:53:09,811 --> 00:53:12,814
Some people apparently
have these polite little feelings

1082
00:53:12,898 --> 00:53:14,816
that shuffle up to 'em during the day.

1083
00:53:14,900 --> 00:53:17,360
Tug on their sleeve like,
"Hello, excuse me?"

1084
00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:20,822
"I need to be felt at some point,
whenever you get a chance."

1085
00:53:20,906 --> 00:53:22,657
You're like, "I'm at work now."

1086
00:53:22,741 --> 00:53:24,701
"You're at work? I'm so sorry."

1087
00:53:25,202 --> 00:53:26,203
"Have time later?"

1088
00:53:26,286 --> 00:53:27,245
"I get off at 6:00."

1089
00:53:27,329 --> 00:53:30,916
"Okay, like 6:30, do you have time
to feel abandoned and worthless?"

1090
00:53:30,999 --> 00:53:33,251
"Okay, 6:30 in the parking lot.
It's a date."

1091
00:53:33,335 --> 00:53:36,004
"I love you so much.
You're doing great at work. Bye."

1092
00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:39,633
That's never happened to me.

1093
00:53:39,716 --> 00:53:42,886
Every feeling I have
demands to be felt immediately.

1094
00:53:42,969 --> 00:53:46,514
Every feeling I have
demands its own parade.

1095
00:53:46,598 --> 00:53:49,100
Every feeling I have
turns into that scene from <i>Aladdin</i>

1096
00:53:49,184 --> 00:53:51,686
where he's pretending to be a prince.
Just like...

1097
00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:54,022
<i>♪ OMG, Taylor's hungry! ♪</i>

1098
00:53:54,105 --> 00:53:56,608
<i>♪ This could get dicey ♪</i>

1099
00:53:56,691 --> 00:54:01,071
<i>♪ Needs a sandwich now
She's a bitch, take it from me ♪</i>

1100
00:54:03,198 --> 00:54:07,535
But I'm glad I've had this year
to work on this stuff because I needed it.

1101
00:54:07,619 --> 00:54:09,913
I turned 30 two weeks ago.

1102
00:54:09,996 --> 00:54:11,998
- [cheering]
- And that means-- Thank you.

1103
00:54:14,084 --> 00:54:16,127
And that means that I have spent

1104
00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:18,838
the last 14 years of my life

1105
00:54:18,922 --> 00:54:21,967
trying to get good at this,
trying to get good at stand-up.

1106
00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:25,804
Trying to have the career
that I am now fortunate enough to have,

1107
00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:28,306
thanks to all of you, honestly. Yeah.

1108
00:54:29,057 --> 00:54:30,058
[cheering, applause]

1109
00:54:34,854 --> 00:54:38,024
And as grateful as I am,
and as lucky as I am,

1110
00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:41,569
it has really made me,
this year especially,

1111
00:54:41,653 --> 00:54:42,904
go, "Oh no."

1112
00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:46,491
I don't know
if I'm gonna be good at this other stuff.

1113
00:54:46,574 --> 00:54:49,035
I... I mean, I know I'm a good comedian.

1114
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:52,956
I don't know if I'm a good person,
a good parent, a good partner.

1115
00:54:53,039 --> 00:54:55,709
This hour of material
that I'm doing right now,

1116
00:54:55,792 --> 00:54:58,253
that's like,
"Can I have it all? I don't even know!"

1117
00:54:58,336 --> 00:55:00,297
This is not a bit, DC.

1118
00:55:01,256 --> 00:55:03,758
I am genuinely concerned.

1119
00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:08,138
I know how hard it is to do this job
in this business and have a family.

1120
00:55:08,221 --> 00:55:09,723
I see how hard friends of mine work.

1121
00:55:09,806 --> 00:55:12,976
I also see
how little work people put into it.

1122
00:55:13,059 --> 00:55:15,854
Lot of people in this business are like,
"You can have kids and travel!"

1123
00:55:15,937 --> 00:55:17,063
"They got FaceTime now."

1124
00:55:17,147 --> 00:55:19,566
Which feels like tying your dog
outside a shop.

1125
00:55:19,649 --> 00:55:22,152
"I can see him through the window.
He's okay."

1126
00:55:23,820 --> 00:55:26,781
I still have childhood shit
I'm working through on my own.

1127
00:55:26,865 --> 00:55:28,950
I don't want to put that on a kid, right?

1128
00:55:29,034 --> 00:55:31,369
Like, I was watching a TED Talk recently...

1129
00:55:31,453 --> 00:55:34,914
Sorry, I was watching a TikTok recently.
I always get those confused.

1130
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,208
The information's still good.
It's just vertical.

1131
00:55:38,168 --> 00:55:41,296
...that said, if you have childhood trauma
you're working through,

1132
00:55:41,379 --> 00:55:43,715
you need to learn
how to parent yourself as a grown-up.

1133
00:55:43,798 --> 00:55:47,010
So I've been trying to do that
to heal, trying to parent myself.

1134
00:55:47,093 --> 00:55:49,596
But I feel like
I got pregnant with me in high school.

1135
00:55:50,138 --> 00:55:52,807
And I was not ready
for this responsibility.

1136
00:55:52,891 --> 00:55:55,769
And now I wake up every morning,
totally overwhelmed,

1137
00:55:55,852 --> 00:55:57,270
trying not to shake me.

1138
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:58,355
Like, okay...

1139
00:55:59,064 --> 00:56:02,525
"If I let you watch TikTok
on my phone for 30 minutes,

1140
00:56:02,609 --> 00:56:05,278
will you please stop crying?!"

1141
00:56:09,115 --> 00:56:10,408
My friends are like, "You okay?"

1142
00:56:10,492 --> 00:56:13,578
I'm like, "No, I think I have colic.
I kept me up all night."

1143
00:56:14,662 --> 00:56:17,040
I love TikTok.
You know what's funny about TikTok?

1144
00:56:17,123 --> 00:56:21,795
These kids are like lip-syncing, dancing,
pretending they're in a music video.

1145
00:56:21,878 --> 00:56:24,130
We all did that growing up, didn't we?

1146
00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:27,634
Yeah! Alone in your room
in the mirror, hairbrush. Of course.

1147
00:56:28,134 --> 00:56:32,222
But if anyone
had walked in on you doing it,

1148
00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:36,601
you would've killed yourself, right?

1149
00:56:36,684 --> 00:56:37,685
[laughter, applause]

1150
00:56:39,646 --> 00:56:43,400
And these kids are online like,
"I hope millions of people see this."

1151
00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:47,028
It's like, "You could benefit
from some bullying, I think."

1152
00:56:48,905 --> 00:56:52,450
"Might've... overcorrected a bit."

1153
00:56:54,702 --> 00:56:59,290
I do have a lot of friends who are
getting married and having kids. They're...

1154
00:56:59,374 --> 00:57:01,209
Look, they're condescending as hell.

1155
00:57:01,292 --> 00:57:06,506
It's so funny how the same girls who used
to wake up drunk on train tracks are like,

1156
00:57:06,589 --> 00:57:10,593
"I dunno how you stay out past 10:00 p.m.
Your lifestyle's really unhealthy."

1157
00:57:10,677 --> 00:57:14,222
I'm like, "I've seen you snort coke
off a rusty bike rack."

1158
00:57:15,473 --> 00:57:19,102
"But you keep sniffing
that baby's head like we all forgot."

1159
00:57:25,191 --> 00:57:28,194
But my friends
who have kids and are married,

1160
00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:30,071
they complain about their jobs,

1161
00:57:30,155 --> 00:57:33,992
and I do the same dismissive thing
right back to them where I'm like,

1162
00:57:34,075 --> 00:57:36,244
"Yeah, but you're married,
so you're fine."

1163
00:57:36,744 --> 00:57:39,205
They're like, "But I'm miserable
60 hours of the week."

1164
00:57:39,289 --> 00:57:41,958
I'm like, "But you have
your dream dick, so you're fine."

1165
00:57:43,793 --> 00:57:48,798
And it's not great, and I think part of it
is that we're all turning 30.

1166
00:57:48,882 --> 00:57:51,176
And 30 was this age
in our heads where, like...

1167
00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:54,304
"Well, by 30,
we'll have all our shit together, right?"

1168
00:57:54,387 --> 00:57:56,014
That kept us going through our twenties.

1169
00:57:56,097 --> 00:57:57,849
"We're 25, and we're garbage,

1170
00:57:57,932 --> 00:58:00,852
but in five years,
we'll have it all figured out."

1171
00:58:00,935 --> 00:58:04,063
Then, "I'm 27. I'm just a piece of shit,

1172
00:58:04,147 --> 00:58:06,357
but I have three years
to turn this around."

1173
00:58:06,441 --> 00:58:09,486
And then you're like,
"I'm 29. Crunch time, bitch!"

1174
00:58:11,654 --> 00:58:13,948
And now that we're all 30, we're like,

1175
00:58:14,032 --> 00:58:17,744
"Oh shit, our lives are not going
exactly as we always pictured them."

1176
00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:21,789
And so now there's this weird comparing
that's going on, this weird tension.

1177
00:58:21,873 --> 00:58:26,085
Like, I know that all of my friends
both pity and envy me.

1178
00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:28,880
Just like I know
that I both pity and envy them, right?

1179
00:58:28,963 --> 00:58:30,757
I know my friends look at me and go,

1180
00:58:30,840 --> 00:58:33,384
"I'd probably focus on work
if I was all alone."

1181
00:58:33,468 --> 00:58:36,679
And I go, "I'd probably have
a bunch of kids if I had no talent."

1182
00:58:36,763 --> 00:58:37,764
So we're all...

1183
00:58:37,847 --> 00:58:39,974
[laughter, applause]

1184
00:58:46,105 --> 00:58:48,483
And it's not healthy, per se.

1185
00:58:49,567 --> 00:58:54,239
But I do think it's good to focus
on what is going right in your life.

1186
00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:57,325
I think that that's gratitude.
I think that that's important.

1187
00:58:57,408 --> 00:59:00,370
It has gotten me through
a lot of weddings and baby showers,

1188
00:59:00,453 --> 00:59:01,704
to have my dream job,

1189
00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:03,289
to sit in the back row like,

1190
00:59:03,373 --> 00:59:05,708
"Whatever, have your bullshit love party."

1191
00:59:05,792 --> 00:59:06,793
"Hope it works out."

1192
00:59:06,876 --> 00:59:09,587
"I'm gonna have
the coolest job of anybody you know."

1193
00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:12,924
And that was true
until somebody married an astronaut.

1194
00:59:13,007 --> 00:59:15,051
[audience laughs]

1195
00:59:15,134 --> 00:59:16,511
And everybody's so impressed.

1196
00:59:16,594 --> 00:59:18,221
I guess astronaut beats everything.

1197
00:59:18,304 --> 00:59:20,807
They're like, "You've gotta admit,
that's the coolest."

1198
00:59:20,890 --> 00:59:24,060
And I'm like,
"He's got to wear a costume or he'll die?"

1199
00:59:24,143 --> 00:59:26,229
Fuck off. That's a dumb job.

1200
00:59:26,312 --> 00:59:29,941
"No. If I can't breathe somewhere,
I don't go there, Dan."

1201
00:59:30,024 --> 00:59:31,693
"That's just science."

1202
00:59:32,610 --> 00:59:34,404
Dan hasn't even been to space.

1203
00:59:34,487 --> 00:59:37,115
He just goes to work
and "practices space."

1204
00:59:37,198 --> 00:59:38,241
That's his job.

1205
00:59:38,324 --> 00:59:40,952
They put him in a rollercoaster.
"Don't throw up."

1206
00:59:41,035 --> 00:59:42,328
He's like, "You got it!"

1207
00:59:42,412 --> 00:59:43,496
What a hero.

1208
00:59:43,580 --> 00:59:44,581
[laughter]

1209
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:49,627
I'm not proud,
but I told the girl that married him,

1210
00:59:49,711 --> 00:59:51,879
"You better hope
he never does go to space."

1211
00:59:51,963 --> 00:59:53,214
She goes, "Why? It's dangerous?"

1212
00:59:53,298 --> 00:59:55,967
I said, "No, 'cause he's gonna
cheat on you up there."

1213
00:59:57,010 --> 00:59:59,012
Oh, you don't think
astronauts are cheating?

1214
00:59:59,095 --> 01:00:00,847
They're in space for months, floating.

1215
01:00:00,930 --> 01:00:03,516
How long before one of them
looks at each other like,

1216
01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:05,351
"Hey, you know what we should try?"

1217
01:00:05,435 --> 01:00:07,437
[laughter]

1218
01:00:08,855 --> 01:00:11,399
"Houston, we have a problem.
Not a big one. It's medium."

1219
01:00:11,482 --> 01:00:13,151
"It's not small or anything."

1220
01:00:13,651 --> 01:00:17,614
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
What happens on the moon never happened.

1221
01:00:17,697 --> 01:00:19,532
We faked that landing.

1222
01:00:21,951 --> 01:00:23,202
That's a joke. We didn't.

1223
01:00:23,286 --> 01:00:25,622
There were no female astronauts back then.

1224
01:00:25,705 --> 01:00:26,706
[laughter]

1225
01:00:32,462 --> 01:00:35,673
But if any of the relationships
in my twenties had worked out,

1226
01:00:35,757 --> 01:00:37,258
I would not have my dream job.

1227
01:00:37,342 --> 01:00:40,219
I would not have
the career I've always wanted.

1228
01:00:40,303 --> 01:00:44,015
I've had a lot of cool experiences
this year as a result of being on my own.

1229
01:00:44,098 --> 01:00:47,852
I finally got to do some shows in Europe
in April, which was a dream come true.

1230
01:00:47,935 --> 01:00:50,063
And because I was single,

1231
01:00:50,146 --> 01:00:52,690
instead of taking someone I was dating,
I took Courtney.

1232
01:00:52,774 --> 01:00:54,984
Courtney's been
my best friend since we were 10.

1233
01:00:55,068 --> 01:00:56,861
Twenty years,
she's seen me through everything.

1234
01:00:56,944 --> 01:00:58,946
She saw me through depression
in high school.

1235
01:00:59,030 --> 01:01:00,782
She saw my first stand-up show ever.

1236
01:01:00,865 --> 01:01:02,867
I called off
an engagement a few years ago.

1237
01:01:02,950 --> 01:01:06,621
She kept my wedding dress
in her attic like it was Jumanji.

1238
01:01:07,705 --> 01:01:10,416
I'm like, "Just put this
where I can't hear the drums."

1239
01:01:12,293 --> 01:01:16,547
She and I got to run around Europe,
paying for shit with my dick joke money.

1240
01:01:16,631 --> 01:01:17,882
It was awesome.

1241
01:01:17,965 --> 01:01:19,467
[audience cheering]

1242
01:01:19,550 --> 01:01:20,718
Yeah.

1243
01:01:24,555 --> 01:01:27,642
And it was really special
to have her on that trip with me.

1244
01:01:27,725 --> 01:01:30,770
Because exactly a year before that,
last, last April,

1245
01:01:30,853 --> 01:01:36,234
I was alone
in a green room in Colorado, pre-show.

1246
01:01:36,317 --> 01:01:37,902
Post-some breakup.

1247
01:01:37,985 --> 01:01:39,362
I got a call from Courtney.

1248
01:01:39,445 --> 01:01:41,948
"I thought you were
on vacation with your boyfriend."

1249
01:01:42,031 --> 01:01:45,076
She goes, "Yeah, we are,
but I just wanted to check in."

1250
01:01:45,159 --> 01:01:48,705
"That's so nice." And I talked to her
about me for like 10, 15 minutes.

1251
01:01:48,788 --> 01:01:52,250
Finally, I was like, "You're not saying
anything about you and your trip."

1252
01:01:52,333 --> 01:01:54,168
"I mean, are you guys okay?"

1253
01:01:54,252 --> 01:01:56,087
She goes, "Oh my God. Yes. Oh, yeah."

1254
01:01:56,170 --> 01:01:59,132
"No, we're great.
We're great. We're actually, um..."

1255
01:01:59,841 --> 01:02:03,010
"We are actually engaged."

1256
01:02:03,094 --> 01:02:06,723
I was like, "What? Oh my God!
Why did you ask about me at all?"

1257
01:02:06,806 --> 01:02:10,935
She goes, "I just wanted to make sure you
were in a place where you could hear it."

1258
01:02:11,728 --> 01:02:13,730
[audience laughing]

1259
01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:19,736
It was so sweet and so hurtful.

1260
01:02:19,819 --> 01:02:24,741
I... I have never felt so seen
and so insulted in my whole life.

1261
01:02:24,824 --> 01:02:27,618
Her fiancé was there the whole time.

1262
01:02:27,702 --> 01:02:29,203
She's like, "And then what else?"

1263
01:02:29,287 --> 01:02:32,457
"She sounds stable.
She sounds like she can handle it."

1264
01:02:32,540 --> 01:02:34,584
That's how you know
your best friend's met the one,

1265
01:02:34,667 --> 01:02:37,086
when you can no longer
get them on the phone alone.

1266
01:02:37,170 --> 01:02:39,422
You call them late, crying.
Halfway, they're like,

1267
01:02:39,505 --> 01:02:43,134
"By the way, you don't care that
Todd's been here the whole time, right?"

1268
01:02:43,217 --> 01:02:48,097
You're like, "No, I actually called to see
if <i>Todd</i> thinks I have a yeast infection."

1269
01:02:48,681 --> 01:02:51,476
[through gritted teeth]
"So glad Todd is available!"

1270
01:02:51,559 --> 01:02:52,477
Don't get me wrong.

1271
01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:54,771
I love my best friend's fiancé.
He's amazing.

1272
01:02:54,854 --> 01:02:57,523
If he died,
would a little part of me go, "Sleepover"?

1273
01:02:57,607 --> 01:02:58,608
Of course!

1274
01:03:01,486 --> 01:03:04,614
But I was touched that she was thinking
about me and my mental health

1275
01:03:04,697 --> 01:03:06,032
during her engagement

1276
01:03:06,115 --> 01:03:09,202
that I went out on stage,
and I said, "Before we start the show,

1277
01:03:09,285 --> 01:03:10,620
can you guys do me a favor?"

1278
01:03:10,703 --> 01:03:12,705
"Can we make a video for my best friend?"

1279
01:03:12,789 --> 01:03:15,625
The crowd's like, "Yeah!"
Got my phone, put it on selfie mode.

1280
01:03:15,708 --> 01:03:19,587
And I went, "One, two, three!
Congratulations, Courtney!"

1281
01:03:19,670 --> 01:03:22,006
Me and 2,000 people, yelling it for her.

1282
01:03:22,089 --> 01:03:24,842
I got offstage that night,
and I texted her the video.

1283
01:03:24,926 --> 01:03:29,430
To say, "Hey, I love you.
I'm so happy for you."

1284
01:03:29,931 --> 01:03:32,809
"And look at all these people
who pay to see me!"

1285
01:03:32,892 --> 01:03:34,393
"I'm doing just fine."

1286
01:03:34,477 --> 01:03:37,772
"I have one of Hugh Jackman's gloves."

1287
01:03:38,439 --> 01:03:40,107
Thank you so much, DC.

1288
01:03:40,191 --> 01:03:42,443
You were absolutely amazing.

1289
01:03:43,236 --> 01:03:45,279
Thank you, guys. Seriously.

1290
01:03:45,363 --> 01:03:47,281
["Boys Wanna Be Her" playing]

1291
01:03:47,365 --> 01:03:48,616
Thank you so, so much.

1292
01:03:48,699 --> 01:03:50,493
You guys were fantastic.

1293
01:03:51,786 --> 01:03:52,870
[audience cheering]

1294
01:04:18,145 --> 01:04:21,440
{\an8}Does anyone think
they have a weird sleep tip? Super weird.

1295
01:04:21,524 --> 01:04:23,359
{\an8}Wow. We got a confident hand right here.

1296
01:04:23,442 --> 01:04:26,195
{\an8}- What do you got?
- [faintly] Sleep in a different city!

1297
01:04:26,279 --> 01:04:27,738
{\an8}Sleep in a different city?

1298
01:04:27,822 --> 01:04:30,491
{\an8}Bitch, do you know what my job is?

1299
01:04:31,951 --> 01:04:34,287
{\an8}Sleep in a different city?!

1300
01:04:34,370 --> 01:04:36,789
{\an8}Know your audience.

1301
01:04:36,873 --> 01:04:39,083
{\an8}What else we got?
That was not a strong start.

1302
01:04:39,166 --> 01:04:41,419
{\an8}Anybody else... have anything?

1303
01:04:41,502 --> 01:04:44,171
{\an8}It's okay if nobody does.
We do right here.

1304
01:04:44,255 --> 01:04:49,176
{\an8}[audience member]
Get a very firm MaxCoil mattress.

1305
01:04:49,260 --> 01:04:51,721
{\an8}Get a very firm mattress.

1306
01:04:52,763 --> 01:04:55,391
{\an8}Okay, do we need
to hear the instructions again?

1307
01:04:56,142 --> 01:05:01,522
{\an8}If you think you have a weird sleep tip
that I have never heard of,

1308
01:05:01,606 --> 01:05:03,149
{\an8}raise your hand and tell me.

1309
01:05:03,232 --> 01:05:05,443
{\an8}If no one has anything,
that's completely fine.

1310
01:05:05,526 --> 01:05:07,987
{\an8}We have one hand over here.
What have we got, glasses?

1311
01:05:09,196 --> 01:05:11,741
{\an8}[audience member in glasses]
A cat plus Xanax.

1312
01:05:11,824 --> 01:05:13,034
{\an8}Cat and Xanax.

1313
01:05:13,117 --> 01:05:14,243
{\an8}If you think...

1314
01:05:16,037 --> 01:05:17,997
{\an8}that I don't have Xanax,

1315
01:05:18,873 --> 01:05:20,875
{\an8}this is your first show with me.

1316
01:05:22,209 --> 01:05:25,504
{\an8}Okay. Well, if nobody else thinks...
Look, it's fine.

1317
01:05:25,588 --> 01:05:27,465
{\an8}Okay, what about here? Right here.

1318
01:05:27,548 --> 01:05:30,551
{\an8}- Four-seven-eight rhythmic breathing.
- What is it?

1319
01:05:30,635 --> 01:05:33,220
{\an8}- Four-seven-eight rhythmic breathing.
- Rhythmic breathing.

1320
01:05:33,304 --> 01:05:36,766
{\an8}Okay, you guys, I'm gonna be honest.
Y'all shat the bed on this one.

1321
01:05:36,849 --> 01:05:38,726
{\an8}These were some basic answers.

1322
01:05:39,310 --> 01:05:41,020
{\an8}Um, and that's okay.

1323
01:05:41,854 --> 01:05:46,233
{\an8}What? Did someone say, "read a book"?
I'm gonna fuck you up after the show.

1324
01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:49,362
{\an8}Meet me in the parking lot. Read a book?

1325
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:52,323
{\an8}Oh my God.

1326
01:05:52,406 --> 01:05:56,494
{\an8}Okay, right here. It's crazy
that people are getting more confident

1327
01:05:56,577 --> 01:05:59,705
{\an8}as they hear
other people's terrible answers.

1328
01:05:59,789 --> 01:06:02,708
{\an8}They're like,
"I can beat firm mattress, surely."

1329
01:06:03,209 --> 01:06:05,962
{\an8}- What have you got, second row?
- Vicks on your back.

1330
01:06:06,045 --> 01:06:07,046
{\an8}What's on your back?

1331
01:06:07,129 --> 01:06:08,631
{\an8}- Vicks.
- Vicks on your back?

1332
01:06:08,714 --> 01:06:11,509
{\an8}These are not good, you guys.

1333
01:06:11,592 --> 01:06:14,220
{\an8}Thank you for playing.
All right. What? Last one.

1334
01:06:14,303 --> 01:06:17,932
{\an8}- Stretch for five minutes.
- Stretch for five minutes?!

1335
01:06:18,015 --> 01:06:20,851
{\an8}I'm never coming back to this city again.