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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ
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(SEAGULL SQUAWKS)
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MUSICIAN: One, two, three.
One, two, three.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ
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WHITMER THOMAS:
I grew up skateboarding.
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- ♪ (MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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Yeah, I still skate.
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It's weird, though,
'cause I'm in my 30s.
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It's weird
'cause I'll just be, like,
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at a skate spot
under a bridge for hours,
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and I'll just look around
and realize
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that I'm just hanging out
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with a bunch
of 14-year-old boys.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Just me
and a bunch of young boy--
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- Usually shirtless young boys.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Y'all ready?
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WHITMER: These skater boys
will always film each other
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landing tricks and shit.
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Sometimes they'll have me
film them doing trick--
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To be honest, my camera roll,
chock full of 14-year-old boys.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Choppin' broccoli,
choppin' brocc--
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I noticed that skater boys
have this thing
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that they do
whenever they get hurt,
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like, they won't admit to it.
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Like, they could have
blood pouring down their face,
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and their buddy will come up
to them and be like...
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(IMITATES SKATER) "Oh, my God,
dude, what happened, man?
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Are you okay?"
And they'll be like,
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"I'm totally fine. I just had
the sudden urge to go inside."
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- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- WHITMER: (NORMALLY)
Like, it's okay, pal.
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You could admit
you're hurt, man.
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Hey, hey. (SCREAMS)
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I was lucky as a kid, you know?
I wasn't too good at skating.
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And at one point,
we hit hard times.
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And then every time
I'd go skate,
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my mom would be like...
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(IN FEMININE SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Please don't get hurt today.
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We don't have insurance."
(CHUCKLES)
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- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (KID SCREAMS)
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WHITMER:
(NORMALLY) But I like that,
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'cause my buddies
would be like...
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(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Today, you gotta drop in
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from the tallest half-pipe
at the skate park."
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- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And I'd be like,
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"I wish I could, man, but sadly,
I don't have insurance."
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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WHITMER: (NORMALLY)
Pretty cool, pretty cool.
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♪ ("COOLER WHEN I'M SICK"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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WHITMER: Let's do it.
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♪ Oh, tonight
Under these lights I will try ♪
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♪ Too old for angst ♪
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♪ And this stupid
Little twinkle in my eye ♪
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♪ Oh, desperation ♪
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♪ For approval masked as
A willingness to entertain ♪
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♪ I feel insane
I feel so lame ♪
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♪ And when the going gets tough
Well, I lose all integrity ♪
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♪ Tonight, under these lights ♪
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♪ And I got this stupid
Little twinkle in my eye ♪
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♪ Yes, I will try
For you, I will ♪
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♪ I will try very hard ♪
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♪ I will try very hard ♪
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♪ I will try very hard ♪
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♪ For you
I will try very hard always ♪
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♪ Oh!
Trying will remain criminal ♪
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♪ Subliminal thoughts
Creep in my brain ♪
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♪ If it's quiet do an impression
Of Sir Michael Caine ♪
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(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE)
♪ Some people, Master Wayne ♪
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♪ Just wanna watch
The world burn ♪
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(NORMALLY) ♪ Oh! My ex told me
I'm cooler when I'm sick ♪
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♪ And I feel so diseased
I can't help it ♪
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- ♪ I wanna scream ♪
- (SCREAMS)
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♪ We can't crush the caveat
Can't crush the caveat ♪
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♪ When I chew gum ♪
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♪ I put the whole bag
In my mouth at once ♪
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♪ Or else I can't taste it
When I play with kids ♪
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♪ I often commit
Too hard to the bit ♪
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♪ And freak them the fuck out ♪
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♪ Because I try ♪
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♪ I try very hard for you ♪
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♪ I try very hard always ♪
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♪ Oh! When I was young ♪
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♪ I talked like Tom Green
For one entire year ♪
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♪ While my parents
Were both in rehab ♪
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♪ I guess I do my best ♪
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♪ You never really deal
With things that are real ♪
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♪ My ex told me
I'm cooler when I'm sick ♪
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♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
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- (SCREAMING)
- ♪ (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
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WHITMER: (HEAVY METAL SCREAMING)
♪ Terminal! ♪
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♪ Crew of dudes! ♪
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♪ Crew of dudes! ♪
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- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
- (NORMALLY) Give it up
for my band, y'all.
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
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We all grew up
in Alabama together.
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We've known each other
pretty much our whole lives.
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That's-- That's my best friend
Jeramy right there.
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
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WHITMER: That's my best friend,
Clay, right there.
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
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WHITMER: And this is
my best friend, Budd,
right here.
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
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Actually, Budd did not
grow up in Alabama.
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We did not grow up with him.
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He's from California.
He's a coastal elitist.
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(AUDIENCE BOOING)
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I've only known this man
for 18 years.
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He's basically
a fucking stranger to me,
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and I don't know what he's doing
on stage tonight.
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(HESITATES) I consider you
one of my closest friends.
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- I-- It hurts--
- WHITMER: Fuck you.
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It hurt-- Oh.
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- WHITMER: I hate you.
- All right.
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And everybody, let him hear it.
My big brother, Johnny.
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
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WHITMER: He's huge. He's huge.
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Look at him.
He's huge. (CHUCKLES)
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(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
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Man, I really, really
want to be cool.
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Like I do everything
in my power to be cool, man.
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I try to buy the right clothes
and listen to the right music.
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Ah, it'd be so cool to just be
like the coolest guy ever.
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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
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The coolest type of guy
there is is an LOL guy.
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I don't know
if y'all know this style of guy.
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An LOL guy is a guy
to where you, like,
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text him the funniest thing
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you've ever seen
in your whole life.
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- And then six weeks later...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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- ...he responds, "LOL."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Which is sort of
the same thing as going,
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"Mm, I don't care
if you live or die."
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- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- That's a cool guy.
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That's the kind of guy
I want to be, man,
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but that ain't me, man.
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You text me something
that's actually funny,
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I won't say "LOL,"
I'll already be on your doorstep
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and you'll just
hear me outside going...
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(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE)
'Cause some people
just wanna watch the world burn.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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(NORMALLY) That's the...
That's the second time
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I've done an impression
of Michael Caine tonight.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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I don't know.
I don't care if it's hacky.
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- It's really funny to do that.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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Really, I just think
it's funny that,
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you know, that's a quote
from The Dark Knight,
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and that's one
of the biggest movies ever made,
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directed by Christopher Nolan,
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who's one of the most
powerful directors there is,
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and he didn't have it in him
to say to Michael Caine, um,
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"Hey, Michael Caine,
I was wondering
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if, uh, maybe,
uh, you could redo that line,
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'cause, uh, we wanted to use it
in the trailer,
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and nobody knows
what the fuck you're saying."
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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And then all that Michael Caine
could muster was...
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- (IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE
MUMBLING)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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All right, I guess
I'll just live with that.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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(INHALES DEEPLY)
I think it's pretty clear
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that I'm really good
at impressions. (CHUCKLES)
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I can basically do
an impression of anybody.
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All I gotta do
is get your first name
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and what you do for a living,
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and I'll do
a perfect impression of you.
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So, I'd like to do that tonight,
if that's okay.
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Um, would it be okay if I did
an impression of you? Okay.
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All I gotta do is just, uh,
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get your first name
and what you do for a living.
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I'll do a perfect impression.
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Okay. I'm Ian, and I'm a writer.
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(IN WHINY VOICE)
"My name's Ian, I'm a writer."
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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(NORMALLY) Sorry, Ian,
you sound annoying, man.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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I think it's pretty clear
that I was raised by addicts.
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- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- But that's okay, that's okay.
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Sadly, my mom
drank herself to death.
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But, uh, you know,
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I figured I'm gonna name
my first kid in her honor.
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Yeah, I'm gonna name
my first kid Al-Anon.
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- Can I talk to you over here?
- Yeah.
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00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,328
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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CLAY TATUM:
That wasn't good, right?
190
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:42,623
- Yeah.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
191
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,958
- CLAY: We could do better?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'll do better.
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00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,418
- CLAY: Let's do that.
- All right. Okay.
193
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,756
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
194
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:55,095
All right, from here on out,
I'm gonna do a better job.
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00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,764
Now, you go one way or the other
when you're raised by an addict.
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00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,350
You either become
a cool, impenetrable mystery,
197
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,268
or you become
a squeaky little dumbass.
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00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,270
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- ♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
199
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And I'll let y'all decide
which one of those I am.
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00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,234
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
201
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:14,113
This is my impression
of a, uh...
202
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,406
of, like,
a serious folk musician
203
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:20,328
whose harmonica is just
a little too far away from him.
204
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,748
Actually, I don't gotta do it.
205
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:27,084
- I just explained it
pretty good. (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
206
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:30,171
♪ (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
207
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,053
♪ In my mind
I'm a pretty cool guy ♪
208
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:42,349
♪ With an ass for a chin
And fuck me eyes ♪
209
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:45,477
♪ Who'd win a race
If I gave a shit ♪
210
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:49,314
♪ But I don't feel like it ♪
211
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,484
♪ I'm never lonely
When I'm alone ♪
212
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:56,697
♪ Livin' in my minimal
Postmodern home ♪
213
00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:59,700
♪ My famous friends
Let me cut in line ♪
214
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:03,120
♪ I'm a, I'm a
I'm a pretty cool guy ♪
215
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:04,122
♪ All right now! ♪
216
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,293
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
217
00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:14,299
♪ Watching Buffalo '66 ♪
218
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:18,177
♪ Dressin' like River Phoenix ♪
219
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:24,808
♪ Kerouac and Wim Wenders
Times Square, David Byrne ♪
220
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:28,854
♪ And do the dead really die
If they still piss you off? ♪
221
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:32,232
♪ I wrote the book
On how to get lost ♪
222
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,736
♪ And I ain't afraid
To get a little dark ♪
223
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,864
♪ Like The Panic
In Needle Park ♪
224
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:43,327
♪ But I'm a bright little star
When I'm in my room ♪
225
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:46,496
♪ A butterfly baby in a cocoon ♪
226
00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:50,250
♪ And I don't care
But I'll still ask you ♪
227
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:54,756
♪ I do, I do, I do as they do! ♪
228
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:59,219
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
229
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:04,681
♪ Am I eccentric
Or just a dick? ♪
230
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:08,727
♪ Ripping cigs and talking shit
Into the wild blue ♪
231
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,897
♪ You gotta be a fool
To fool the fool ♪
232
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:16,235
♪ Who's thinking
That they are fooling you ♪
233
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:19,196
♪ In my mind you want me back ♪
234
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:23,033
♪ 'Cause I'm the only one
Who can make you laugh ♪
235
00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:26,411
♪ I'll hate your art
Till you compliment mine ♪
236
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,706
♪ I'm a, I'm a
I'm a pretty cool guy ♪
237
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:30,833
♪ That's right, hey ♪
238
00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:39,425
- Take it, Clay!
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
239
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:50,060
♪ Lately I realize
I tell when I'm blue ♪
240
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:53,480
♪ There's nothin' in the past
I'd want to undo ♪
241
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:57,859
♪ You didn't break my heart
Baby, I don't miss you ♪
242
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,611
♪ It's true, it's true ♪
243
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,823
♪ It's true
It's true, it's true ♪
244
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:08,954
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
- ♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
245
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,790
I've always, like, wanted
to be something, you know?
246
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,584
Like, when I was a little kid,
I was in Christmas choir,
247
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:16,336
and I would stand
on the edge of the risers,
248
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,588
and we'd get to the end
of the show, and we'd go...
249
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:21,633
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
250
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,219
Then I'd hop off the edge
of the risers and go...
251
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:28,056
- ♪ And many more ♪
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
252
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:30,017
(CHUCKLES) The teacher
would be like, "What the hell?"
253
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,269
And I'd be like,
"I want to be the star."
254
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:33,770
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
255
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:35,480
WHITMER: 'Cause I was so jealous
256
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,274
of kids who did get
to be the star.
257
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:39,776
Like, I remember the first time
my mom, she, like,
258
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:43,780
showed me a music video
of the band Hanson.
259
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:46,116
And I remember
just sitting there going,
260
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,660
"I want
those fucking kids dead, Ma."
261
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,953
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
262
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,580
"I want them fucking dead, Ma.
263
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:55,543
I want them dead. I want them
to die violently, Ma."
264
00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:59,880
But the truth is,
I was just jealous of them.
265
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,591
Because they're really
cool-looking kids,
266
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,635
and they can all sing
like California Raisins. And...
267
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,346
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
268
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,973
...I wanted to be like that.
You know?
269
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,476
I wanted to be that way.
270
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:16,897
Johnny has a son named Ronin.
He's a great dad.
271
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:20,817
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
- WHITMER: Yeah.
272
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,153
He's got a son who's, uh--
He's a kid, you know?
273
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:27,407
He's in elementary school.
And he's a cool kid, you know?
274
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,702
But I worry sometimes
that he's like me,
275
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,246
how I was
when I was a kid, you know?
276
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:37,209
And so every time I go back
to Alabama and I look at him,
277
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,586
I look at him kind of like
how Forrest Gump
278
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,839
looks at his son
at the end of the movie...
279
00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:44,592
when-- you know,
when he's like...
280
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:52,057
- (BREATHES HEAVILY)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
281
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:55,728
- (IMITATES FORREST GUMP)
"Is he like me?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
282
00:14:57,313 --> 00:15:00,065
(NORMALLY) And Jenny's like,
"No, he's fucking normal."
283
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,858
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
284
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,986
Weird part of the movie,
weird turn.
285
00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:08,573
I don't think he's gonna be
like me, you know,
286
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,535
'cause he can, like, speak up
in a way that I never could,
287
00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,328
'cause I wanted everybody
to like me.
288
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:16,540
Like, we were at
our grandfather's
98th birthday party,
289
00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:17,916
and a bunch of old fuckers
290
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,793
were singing happy birthday
to him.
291
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,797
And Ronin comes up
to me and Johnny, and he goes...
292
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:27,717
- "I'm bored."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
293
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:30,011
And then he slowly
pointed at everyone.
294
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:33,390
He goes,
"Everyone here is bored."
295
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:36,602
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
296
00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:40,397
And when I was
like five years old,
297
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:43,151
Johnny had
his birthday party at Benihana.
298
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:46,570
And he didn't want me to go.
He was in middle school
299
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:49,573
and he wanted all of his, like,
middle school friends to go.
300
00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:52,117
And it was weird for
a five-year-old to go, you know,
301
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,743
because they probably
wanted to like
302
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:56,121
- practice cussing or whatever.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
303
00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:58,165
Can't do that with a five--
And that's true.
304
00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,833
Middle school kids,
they gotta practice cussing.
305
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,627
They don't know
how to do it right yet.
306
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,464
It's true, go listen to a bunch
of middle school kids talk.
307
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,924
Their cusses
don't quite add up yet.
308
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,551
They'll be like...
309
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,970
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, if my mom doesn't let me
spend the night tonight,
310
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,139
I'm gonna burp in a cup
and shove it in her pussy."
311
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,349
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
312
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:19,978
(NORMALLY) I've heard
someone say it. I have.
313
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,396
No, they wanted
to be doing that.
314
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,148
They didn't want me there,
but my dad was like,
315
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,858
"Dude, just let
your little brother go, man."
316
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:25,984
So, I get to go,
317
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,944
and I'm sitting there
across from my brother
318
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:30,197
and all of his cool buddies,
and, you know,
319
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,657
they're just kind of
looking at me like...
320
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,951
while the chef is grilling up
a bunch of shit.
321
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:37,370
And the chef notices
that I'm the odd man out.
322
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,540
And the chef kind of looks at me
and he's like...
323
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:41,249
Like...
324
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,502
And so the...
Shref grills up a shrimp
325
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,961
and he pops
that sucker into my mouth.
326
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,756
- I catch it with ease like that.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
327
00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:50,217
And my brother and all
of his buddies look at me like,
328
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,220
"That's the coolest thing
I've ever seen in my--" (LAUGHS)
329
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,804
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
330
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:57,474
And I'm like, "I'm in.
Chef, keep them coming.
331
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:58,558
Let's go, man."
332
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,227
Chef just keeps on
grilling up shrimp
333
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:01,978
and popping those bad boys
into my mouth.
334
00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:03,980
I'm catching them
left and right.
335
00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,357
And with every shrimp,
336
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,652
my brother loved me
just a little bit more.
337
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,237
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
338
00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,989
And I remember after,
like, the tenth or 11th shrimp,
339
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,658
my dad saying to the chef,
340
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,826
"Hey, man,
cool it with the shrimp, pal."
341
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,161
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
342
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,705
And I was like, "No, no,
one more, Chef, one more.
343
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:22,624
One more."
344
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:25,001
The chef grills up a shrimp,
he pops it into my mouth,
345
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,836
I catch it like that,
346
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,339
start chewing it up,
try to swallow, I can't,
347
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:31,424
I throw up all over the table,
348
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,718
and it starts cooking
my throw up.
349
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:37,682
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And it smelled bad.
350
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,685
I ruined my big brother's
birthday that night,
351
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:43,479
'cause I wanted him to love me.
352
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,275
Couldn't tell that chef to stop,
353
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:51,444
'cause he was doing
a really, really good job.
354
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:53,738
I still can't tell people
to stop.
355
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,865
Like, every time
I've ever gotten a massage,
356
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:59,077
- it's too hard and I'm cold.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
357
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,080
You ain't gonna hear
nothing out of me.
358
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,125
You know,
after that whole situation,
359
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,669
me and my big brother
became best friends, you know?
360
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:11,464
And Johnny,
he hit a rough patch, I'd say.
361
00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:12,466
A rough patch.
362
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,302
You know, in, like,
eighth grade, maybe,
363
00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:17,596
where he sort of
stopped communicating
364
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,515
- and just started barking
all the time.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
365
00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:23,518
And my mom and dad were,
like, concerned, and they, like,
366
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,770
took him to get, like,
tested and shit,
367
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,482
'cause he was barking
probably a year straight.
368
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:34,487
I'd say six words a day.
Other than that, it was a bark.
369
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,907
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
370
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,075
So, they take him to, like,
371
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,369
a bunch of different people
to get tested for Tourette's
372
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,830
and autism
and all this different shit.
373
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,248
And then eventually
they just take him
374
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,543
to a true blue therapist.
And the therapist is like,
375
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:51,421
"Johnny, just tell me,
why do you bark?"
376
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,381
And he goes, "'Cause it makes
377
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,800
my little brother
laugh really hard."
378
00:18:55,801 --> 00:19:00,639
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
379
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,141
WHITMER: That's what kind of man
this guy is right here.
380
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:07,980
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
381
00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:12,777
That's a good friend
right there.
382
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,780
You know who's a fucking
really bad friend?
383
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:20,825
- Buffalo wings.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
384
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:24,037
- Come with me on this.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
385
00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:26,957
Buffalo wings
is a terrible friend, all right?
386
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:28,792
Here's how I know.
387
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,794
'Cause pizza,
they're killing it.
388
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:34,255
It's way back in the '80s
or whenever pizza was invented.
389
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,342
Pizza's killing it, all right?
390
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,387
Pizza's getting eaten
at restaurants.
391
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:41,513
It's getting delivered.
392
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,515
And pizza's, like, talking
to the other pizzas, going,
393
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,392
"You know what?
We're kind of killing it, guys.
394
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,144
And I'd like to be able to help
someone else out right now
395
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,604
because of all of our success.
396
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,606
We have the time.
We have the money.
397
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:54,067
Let's help someone."
And then another pizza's like,
398
00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:55,485
"Yeah, yeah,
you know who I really like?
399
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:58,697
I'm a huge fan
of Buffalo wings."
400
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,242
So, pizza tosses Buffalo wings
onto the menu.
401
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:04,994
And now every time
you get pizza,
402
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:07,163
no matter if it's
in a restaurant or delivered,
403
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,708
you always have the option
for Buffalo wings.
404
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,710
And then Buffalo wings
starts popping off,
405
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:16,048
- building a huge fan base.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
406
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,508
They're getting so big,
407
00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:20,260
they might have
to go out on their own,
408
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,178
start their own thing, you know?
409
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:25,057
Buffalo wing goes,
they start their own restaurant.
410
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:27,893
But who do they have for a side?
411
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,563
They sure as hell
don't have pizza,
412
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,523
- I'll tell you that much.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
413
00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:37,110
Pizza is nowhere to be found
at a Buffalo wing restaurant.
414
00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:40,905
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
415
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,117
Who does Buffalo wings
bring along?
416
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:47,203
- Fucking French fries.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
417
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,331
You son of a bitch.
418
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:53,376
Not only is Buffalo wings
a bad friend,
419
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,795
Buffalo wings
is also a fucking idiot.
420
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,631
Because guess what,
Buffalo wings?
421
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:03,344
French fries is not your friend.
French fries is burgers' friend.
422
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:07,349
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
423
00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:19,277
All right, thanks for walking...
walking with me there.
424
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:23,323
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
425
00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:25,241
We were so lucky,
you know, like,
426
00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:27,160
we've known each other
for so long
427
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:30,246
and we... we really haven't ever
made new friends,
428
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:33,249
other than this little
strange fucker right there.
429
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:34,793
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
430
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:37,170
- I... (CHUCKLES) I love you.
- How-- (LAUGHS)
431
00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:40,382
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
432
00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:42,801
WHITMER:
We never made new friends.
433
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,386
We would try, we would
sort of vet new friends.
434
00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:46,805
Maybe some of y'all
have done this.
435
00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,515
You ever, like, hang out
with a new friend
436
00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:50,642
who says toot instead of fart?
437
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,978
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
438
00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:56,189
It's like,
"Buddy, you're on strike two
439
00:21:56,190 --> 00:21:58,566
after holding your nose
when you jumped into the pool."
440
00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:01,195
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
441
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:06,659
When Jeramy first moved to L.A.,
I let him live in my car.
442
00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:10,955
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
443
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:13,748
Well, he lived in my apartment
for a second,
444
00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:15,667
then he got in trouble
with my landlord,
445
00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:17,419
so I had to let him
live in my car.
446
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,296
And it was nice,
he would get off work
447
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,841
and go find wherever my car
was parked and he'd go to sleep.
448
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,469
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- It was pretty nice.
449
00:22:26,387 --> 00:22:28,221
But one night,
I had a girl over,
450
00:22:28,222 --> 00:22:31,015
and around 5:00 a.m.,
I had to take her home.
451
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:33,018
And we're driving,
driving, driving.
452
00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:38,982
And then in the rearview mirror,
she just saw... (GROANS LOUDLY)
453
00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:40,149
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
454
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:42,361
She lets out
a blood-curdling scream.
455
00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:44,195
And then I had to go,
456
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,739
"It's okay!
He just lives in my car!"
457
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:49,034
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
458
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,872
So, me and Johnny
lived in Birmingham.
459
00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:55,540
And then
when I was ten years old,
460
00:22:55,541 --> 00:22:58,251
we moved down
to Gulf Shores, Alabama,
461
00:22:58,252 --> 00:23:00,879
which is like
a little beach trash town
462
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,839
on the Gulf of Mexico.
463
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,215
Jeramy was actually
the first friend
464
00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:06,175
- I ever met down there.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
465
00:23:06,176 --> 00:23:08,344
WHITMER: And, you know,
I'm walking on the beach,
466
00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:10,221
I'm 11 years old,
and I see Jeramy
467
00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:12,640
digging through an ashtray
to try to find a cigarette
468
00:23:12,641 --> 00:23:14,183
that hadn't been smoked
too much,
469
00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:16,060
so he could get
a couple of drags.
470
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:17,687
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
471
00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:19,022
WHITMER:
And I go, "What's up, dude?"
472
00:23:19,023 --> 00:23:20,273
And he goes...
473
00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:22,275
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"What's up, man?
My name Jeramy,
474
00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:24,903
and that teenage girl
over there is Sally,
475
00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:26,738
and her boyfriend is Nick.
476
00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,657
And Sally lets Nick do anal."
477
00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:32,786
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
478
00:23:34,288 --> 00:23:36,039
(NORMALLY) And I was like,
"What's Dewanul?"
479
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,207
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
480
00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:39,417
I went home, and I was like...
481
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,294
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Johnny, what's Dewanul?"
482
00:23:41,295 --> 00:23:44,214
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
483
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:48,051
(NORMALLY) Anyway,
I'm just saying all that to say
484
00:23:48,052 --> 00:23:49,218
you grow up fast as hell
485
00:23:49,219 --> 00:23:51,763
whenever you grow up
in a beach trash town.
486
00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,807
You grow up real quick, okay?
487
00:23:55,392 --> 00:23:58,102
Mm, all that talk
about cigarette, mm.
488
00:23:58,103 --> 00:23:59,562
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
489
00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,566
Jeramy, pop me a cig, man.
Toss me a cig, dawg.
490
00:24:04,401 --> 00:24:09,657
- Thanks. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
491
00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:12,660
You got a lighter?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
492
00:24:14,328 --> 00:24:17,789
- Come on, Jer.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, man.
493
00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:19,457
- (AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS
INDISTINCTLY)
- Fuck it.
494
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:24,088
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
495
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:30,761
Mm. Get real buzzed
off that. I like that.
496
00:24:32,888 --> 00:24:34,097
I like that buzz.
497
00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:36,350
♪ ("BOARDSHORTS"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪
498
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,103
♪ When I was a teen ♪
499
00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:43,273
♪ I took my girl to the beach ♪
500
00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:50,863
♪ And we kissed under a blanket
As the sun went down ♪
501
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:52,199
Give me something, brother.
502
00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:56,703
♪ She sucked on my neck ♪
503
00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,454
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
504
00:24:58,455 --> 00:25:00,624
♪ And I touched her breasts ♪
505
00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:07,839
♪ Then her hand crawled up
My Billabong board shorts ♪
506
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,801
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- ♪ Or maybe they were Volcom ♪
507
00:25:11,802 --> 00:25:16,014
♪ This is the best night
Of my life ♪
508
00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:20,143
♪ I said
As she tickled my inner thigh ♪
509
00:25:20,144 --> 00:25:24,856
♪ I said, "You're wild" ♪
510
00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:28,651
♪ She said
"I haven't even started yet" ♪
511
00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,697
♪ She began to graze ♪
512
00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:37,452
♪ My shaft and balls and taint ♪
513
00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:43,834
- ♪ And I immediately came ♪
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
514
00:25:46,712 --> 00:25:51,049
♪ I looked her
In her pretty eyes ♪
515
00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:55,845
♪ And profusely apologized ♪
516
00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:59,766
♪ She said, "For what? Why?" ♪
517
00:25:59,767 --> 00:26:04,103
♪ At that moment I realized ♪
518
00:26:04,104 --> 00:26:08,691
♪ That I could see
Both of her hands ♪
519
00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:12,987
♪ I lifted up the blanket
And I ran ♪
520
00:26:12,988 --> 00:26:18,034
♪ The tiniest little sand crab ♪
521
00:26:18,035 --> 00:26:19,953
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
522
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,958
♪ A crab covered in my cum ♪
523
00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:34,425
♪ Crab covered in cum
Crab covered in my cum ♪
524
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,053
♪ Crab covered in cum ♪
525
00:26:37,054 --> 00:26:42,309
♪ Crab covered in my cum ♪
526
00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:44,770
(CHEERS, WHOOPS)
527
00:26:45,562 --> 00:26:47,063
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
528
00:26:47,064 --> 00:26:48,856
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
- (LIGHTER CLICKS)
529
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:50,400
WHITMER: You had a lighter
the whole time?
530
00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:54,028
Oh, man. (CHUCKLES)
531
00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:56,280
That was a girl crab,
by the way.
532
00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:58,241
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
533
00:26:58,242 --> 00:27:00,493
- How do you know?
- What?
534
00:27:00,494 --> 00:27:01,744
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
How do you know?
535
00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:03,412
'Cause she was wearing
a string bikini.
536
00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:05,498
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
537
00:27:05,499 --> 00:27:09,001
- I'm a beta male. (LAUGHS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
538
00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:11,420
I'm a beta male
through and through, man.
539
00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:12,713
I wish I was an alpha male.
540
00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:14,799
That'd be great,
like a big old guy.
541
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,760
Like a...
I don't know. (CHUCKLES)
542
00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:19,846
Driving his truck around
with an energy drink,
543
00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:22,515
just going like, "Hubba-hubba,"
or whatever.
544
00:27:22,516 --> 00:27:24,601
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
545
00:27:25,727 --> 00:27:29,022
"Hubba-hubba."
You know, alpha male stuff.
546
00:27:29,690 --> 00:27:30,941
That'd be so cool.
547
00:27:32,151 --> 00:27:33,901
By the way,
every time I see an alpha male,
548
00:27:33,902 --> 00:27:36,988
like, drinking one of them
big ol' Monster energy drinks,
549
00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:41,617
- I'm like, "Aw, he's sleepy."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
550
00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:42,703
That's sweet.
551
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:45,288
Beta male, beta male,
552
00:27:45,289 --> 00:27:47,166
I'm a beta male
through and through.
553
00:27:47,958 --> 00:27:50,626
And the most beta move
of all time,
554
00:27:50,627 --> 00:27:52,628
the other night
I had a wet dream
555
00:27:52,629 --> 00:27:56,717
- where I was jacking off.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
556
00:27:58,927 --> 00:28:01,012
I wasn't hooking up
with Carmen Electra,
557
00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,515
nothing like-- I wasn't even
hooking up with a crab.
558
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:07,519
I was just jacking off
to completion...
559
00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:11,982
- in my dark little room.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
560
00:28:13,192 --> 00:28:17,195
I'm not a smart guy,
but I have a lot of thoughts.
561
00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:19,740
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
562
00:28:21,074 --> 00:28:24,160
I think I get it from my dad.
Like, my dad
563
00:28:24,161 --> 00:28:27,330
is very emotionally intelligent,
you know?
564
00:28:27,331 --> 00:28:30,751
But, you know, he suffers
a little bit in the brain game.
565
00:28:31,668 --> 00:28:33,419
Like, when I was
a super little kid,
566
00:28:33,420 --> 00:28:35,963
I remember he took me
to see the movie Toy Story,
567
00:28:35,964 --> 00:28:37,006
and I remember
568
00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:38,674
about ten minutes
into the movie,
569
00:28:38,675 --> 00:28:40,928
my dad saying to himself,
he goes...
570
00:28:41,511 --> 00:28:42,970
"Oh, this is a cartoon."
571
00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:46,390
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
572
00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:48,684
It took him ten minutes.
573
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:49,853
Ten minutes!
574
00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:53,606
I asked him about it recently,
and he was like...
575
00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:55,566
(ANGRILY) "Of course
I remember that, dude!
576
00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:58,778
I had never seen
anything like that before!
577
00:28:58,779 --> 00:29:03,366
I knew the toys was clearly
a cartoon, but at first,
578
00:29:03,367 --> 00:29:06,369
all you see is the human legs,
and they look real!"
579
00:29:06,370 --> 00:29:09,831
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
580
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:13,751
(NORMALLY)
One time, my dad, for Christmas,
581
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:17,421
got me
a Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD.
582
00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:20,424
And he goes,
"Dude, I just thought, man,
583
00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:21,801
I remember last Christmas
584
00:29:21,802 --> 00:29:23,803
you were talking
about Neil Diamond,
585
00:29:23,804 --> 00:29:25,972
and so I figured I'd get you
the Greatest Hits CD."
586
00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:27,181
And I was like, "I don't know,
587
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:28,849
maybe I was talking about him
last Christmas
588
00:29:28,850 --> 00:29:29,976
because last Christmas
589
00:29:29,977 --> 00:29:32,728
you got me the Neil Diamond
Greatest Hits CD."
590
00:29:32,729 --> 00:29:35,232
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
591
00:29:36,149 --> 00:29:37,358
You can't fault him on--
592
00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:39,860
You know, the apple doesn't fall
too far from the tree, though,
593
00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:41,237
because a long time ago,
594
00:29:41,238 --> 00:29:46,075
I went to see that movie
Curious Case of Benjamin Button,
595
00:29:46,076 --> 00:29:48,953
but I accidentally walked into
the Harvey Milk movie
596
00:29:48,954 --> 00:29:50,330
starring Sean Penn.
597
00:29:51,456 --> 00:29:53,874
It took me 45 minutes
before I was like,
598
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,419
"I don't think
that old baby's showing up."
599
00:29:56,420 --> 00:30:00,256
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Stupid as hell.
600
00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,925
It is cool, though,
being from Alabama. Like...
601
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:05,636
Like, when you think
about superheroes, you know,
602
00:30:05,637 --> 00:30:09,640
like New York has Spider-Man,
Detroit has Robocop,
603
00:30:09,641 --> 00:30:13,644
L.A. has Iron Man, but Alabama
has the best superhero of all.
604
00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:16,605
- We've got Forrest Gump.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
605
00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:18,607
A lot of people
don't think of him as super,
606
00:30:18,608 --> 00:30:20,943
but he's definitely super.
His powers are...
607
00:30:20,944 --> 00:30:23,195
(IMITATES FORREST GUMP)
...he can run really fast...
608
00:30:23,196 --> 00:30:25,614
(NORMALLY)
...and he can affect history
609
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:28,284
in charming and sometimes
heartwarming ways.
610
00:30:28,285 --> 00:30:29,493
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
611
00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:32,455
People don't think about that.
They don't think about that.
612
00:30:32,456 --> 00:30:33,581
When I was a little kid,
613
00:30:33,582 --> 00:30:35,833
I wanted to get bit
by a radioactive hillbilly
614
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:38,002
so that I'd become
Forrest Gump one day.
615
00:30:38,003 --> 00:30:41,298
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CLEARS THROAT)
616
00:30:41,965 --> 00:30:43,008
WHITMER: What's up?
617
00:30:45,344 --> 00:30:46,845
You got something for me, Jer?
618
00:30:49,473 --> 00:30:53,559
- Oh, you have a thought too?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
619
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:54,936
All right, Jeramy writes...
620
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:59,107
"Not all seafood
comes from the sea."
621
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,402
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
622
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,946
"They should call seafood
water food."
623
00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:09,325
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
624
00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:14,498
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
- WHITMER: That's pretty good.
625
00:31:16,291 --> 00:31:19,210
No, no, no,
I ain't bright, I ain't bright.
626
00:31:19,211 --> 00:31:21,379
The first time-- The first time
I ever got condoms
627
00:31:21,380 --> 00:31:22,755
when I was 15 years old,
628
00:31:22,756 --> 00:31:26,550
- I bought a 48-pack. (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
629
00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:30,513
Do you know how depressing it is
the day you graduate high school
630
00:31:30,514 --> 00:31:33,891
- to throw away 47 condoms?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
631
00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:35,352
You don't feel good.
632
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,021
We'd get into trouble
a lot as kids,
633
00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:41,732
and I think it's 'cause
we all had slow Wi-Fi.
634
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:44,193
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- I'd be like, "Ah, shit,
635
00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:48,406
it's gonna take eight hours
for Road Trip to download."
636
00:31:48,407 --> 00:31:50,992
Guess I'll go cut
my neighbor's bike in half.
637
00:31:54,371 --> 00:31:57,123
I'm pretty sure the only reason
our mom tried to order
638
00:31:57,124 --> 00:32:00,752
a year's supply of OxyContin
off of OxyContin.com
639
00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:02,670
is 'cause she was waiting
640
00:32:02,671 --> 00:32:05,256
for "Soak Up the Sun"
by Sheryl Crow to download.
641
00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:07,759
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
642
00:32:09,177 --> 00:32:11,262
I can't take cops seriously
643
00:32:11,263 --> 00:32:13,472
because I grew up
in a small town
644
00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:15,558
and our town was so small
645
00:32:15,559 --> 00:32:18,894
that specific cops
would pull my mom over
646
00:32:18,895 --> 00:32:21,730
just to ask her out on a date.
647
00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:24,733
And now every time I see
the lights flashing behind me,
648
00:32:24,734 --> 00:32:26,819
I get pulled over
and then he walks up to my car,
649
00:32:26,820 --> 00:32:30,739
I'm like, "Ah, shit, another
gay cop's about to ask me out."
650
00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:33,452
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
651
00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:37,371
No, because our parents were
always kind of fucking around
652
00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:40,124
doing their own thing, we could
just do whatever we want.
653
00:32:40,125 --> 00:32:41,917
Like, we would ride
our bikes around town
654
00:32:41,918 --> 00:32:43,837
doing Stranger Things kids shit.
655
00:32:45,255 --> 00:32:47,673
Actually, I don't know why
I use them as a reference.
656
00:32:47,674 --> 00:32:49,592
That's not true at all.
If the amount of things
657
00:32:49,593 --> 00:32:52,970
that happened to those
Stranger Things kids in one day
658
00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:56,140
happened to me over the course
of my entire life,
659
00:32:56,141 --> 00:33:00,352
- I would fucking kill myself.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
660
00:33:00,353 --> 00:33:04,523
"Oh, what's that, Mike?
We gotta go save Eleven,
661
00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:07,943
'cause the Upside Down world's
coming back?
662
00:33:07,944 --> 00:33:10,946
No, Mike, I'm not gonna hop
on my bike and help.
663
00:33:10,947 --> 00:33:11,947
I'm gonna go home,
664
00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:14,783
and I'm gonna
fucking kill myself.
665
00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:16,744
'Cause it ain't getting
any easier, Mike.
666
00:33:16,745 --> 00:33:19,413
They're just gonna
keep on coming, Mike."
667
00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:21,624
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
668
00:33:21,625 --> 00:33:23,959
There should be
one final episode of that show
669
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:27,422
where all those kids go
to their parents' gun closet...
670
00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:32,301
they grab their fucking gun,
they put it in their mouth,
671
00:33:32,302 --> 00:33:34,970
and they pull
the fucking trigger.
672
00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:38,432
And that final episode
should justifiably
673
00:33:38,433 --> 00:33:41,477
- be called "Normal Things."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
674
00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:44,688
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
675
00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:46,650
You all support child suicide.
676
00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:52,738
Cool. Alabama has, like, a lot
of serious shit they wanna say,
677
00:33:52,739 --> 00:33:56,326
but they can't say it in a way
to where it's not funny.
678
00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:58,661
Like, no joke,
679
00:33:58,662 --> 00:34:00,663
the pro-life signs
in our hometown
680
00:34:00,664 --> 00:34:02,414
are written in Comic Sans.
681
00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:07,336
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
682
00:34:07,337 --> 00:34:08,837
They want to make a statement,
683
00:34:08,838 --> 00:34:11,424
but they're just
a little bit too silly. (LAUGHS)
684
00:34:12,425 --> 00:34:13,426
That's all.
685
00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:17,054
We had a lot of tourists
coming to our town.
686
00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:18,931
And one of the main things
they would do
687
00:34:18,932 --> 00:34:20,933
is look for sand crabs
on the beach
688
00:34:20,934 --> 00:34:22,101
at night with flashlights.
689
00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,894
It was usually like
a family, you know,
690
00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:25,312
on the shore
looking for sand crabs.
691
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:28,482
They'd walk up and down.
And Clay came up with this idea
692
00:34:28,483 --> 00:34:31,735
for us to take turns
just like at night,
693
00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:34,947
just sort of like
laying face down in the shore
694
00:34:34,948 --> 00:34:38,577
and just kind of washing up
as they approached.
695
00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:41,787
That way, it was usually,
like, a dad
696
00:34:41,788 --> 00:34:43,122
and a couple kids, you know.
697
00:34:43,123 --> 00:34:45,165
They would be walking up to us,
and then, you know,
698
00:34:45,166 --> 00:34:47,251
they would shine
a flashlight on--
699
00:34:47,252 --> 00:34:49,712
They would shine a flashlight
onto a dead child. (LAUGHS)
700
00:34:49,713 --> 00:34:51,046
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
701
00:34:51,047 --> 00:34:53,591
And you could hear
outside the water the dad go...
702
00:34:53,592 --> 00:34:55,718
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Kids, go back to the condo."
703
00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:56,802
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
704
00:34:56,803 --> 00:34:58,721
(NORMALLY) They would run off,
and then eventually
705
00:34:58,722 --> 00:34:59,888
the dad would touch you,
706
00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:01,640
and as soon as
the dad touched you, you'd go...
707
00:35:01,641 --> 00:35:04,059
- (SCREAMS) ...and run.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
708
00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:07,480
It was awesome.
It was really, really funny.
709
00:35:08,690 --> 00:35:09,773
But now I'm getting older
710
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:11,818
and I think about it
and I regret it.
711
00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:15,946
I fully, completely regret
doing that,
712
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:20,576
because those kids
have lived their entire life.
713
00:35:20,577 --> 00:35:22,411
You know,
now they're 30 years old,
714
00:35:22,412 --> 00:35:24,079
and they've lived
their whole lives
715
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:25,331
telling their friends,
716
00:35:25,332 --> 00:35:26,624
"No, yeah, when we were kids,
717
00:35:26,625 --> 00:35:30,085
we discovered
a dead child in the shore.
718
00:35:30,086 --> 00:35:33,464
We ran back to the condo,
completely traumatized,
719
00:35:33,465 --> 00:35:37,384
and our dad, being a nice dad,
tried to calm us down by saying,
720
00:35:37,385 --> 00:35:39,678
'Don't worry,
it was just a prank.'"
721
00:35:39,679 --> 00:35:42,514
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
722
00:35:42,515 --> 00:35:43,558
I totally regret it.
723
00:35:44,392 --> 00:35:46,226
It's all right.
I regret a lot of shit.
724
00:35:46,227 --> 00:35:48,937
Every day, I--
I regret doing this right now.
725
00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:50,189
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
726
00:35:50,190 --> 00:35:53,108
I'm-- I think it's good
to be consumed with regret
727
00:35:53,109 --> 00:35:55,152
at every waking moment.
It's good.
728
00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:57,863
It shows you got
some self-awareness, all right?
729
00:35:57,864 --> 00:36:01,241
Every time I've ever met
somebody who says, "No regrets,"
730
00:36:01,242 --> 00:36:03,702
- it's the worst person
I've ever met in my life.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
731
00:36:03,703 --> 00:36:05,329
♪ ("MOST LIKELY"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING) ♪
732
00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:10,125
♪ There should be a room
At every party ♪
733
00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:15,130
♪ Where you can just sit
And watch a movie ♪
734
00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:20,260
♪ But I make a fool of myself
The moment I open my mouth ♪
735
00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:26,184
♪ If I could kick my own ass
I'd knock myself out ♪
736
00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,853
One, two, three, four.
737
00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:32,189
- ♪ (ELECTRONIC DRUM FILL
PLAYS) ♪
- WHITMER: Whoo!
738
00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:34,817
♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪
739
00:36:34,818 --> 00:36:36,318
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
740
00:36:36,319 --> 00:36:38,404
♪ You know you're in a rut ♪
741
00:36:38,405 --> 00:36:41,031
♪ When you only think
About the past ♪
742
00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:42,950
♪ Romanticize the days ♪
743
00:36:42,951 --> 00:36:45,411
♪ When you were too broke
For a therapist ♪
744
00:36:45,412 --> 00:36:50,332
♪ I wanna be too jaded
To be sentimental ♪
745
00:36:50,333 --> 00:36:55,004
♪ Self-referential
Or existential ♪
746
00:36:59,634 --> 00:37:02,010
♪ People who say no regrets ♪
747
00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:04,722
♪ Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit ♪
748
00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:09,394
♪ Most likely, likely ♪
749
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:12,688
♪ Imposter syndrome's a bitch ♪
750
00:37:12,689 --> 00:37:15,607
♪ Man, when you move
In a new direction ♪
751
00:37:15,608 --> 00:37:19,862
♪ Everyone can dance
With nobody paying attention ♪
752
00:37:19,863 --> 00:37:24,616
♪ Ain't meant for introspection
Just wanna roll around in dirt ♪
753
00:37:24,617 --> 00:37:27,035
♪ Doc don't make me do no work ♪
754
00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:29,246
♪ Look what you did
You little jerk ♪
755
00:37:29,247 --> 00:37:31,498
♪ Doc don't make me do no work ♪
756
00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:33,626
♪ Look what you did
You little jerk ♪
757
00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:38,672
♪ People who say no regrets ♪
758
00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:41,133
♪ Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit ♪
759
00:37:41,134 --> 00:37:47,389
♪ Most likely, likely
I like doing impressions ♪
760
00:37:47,390 --> 00:37:49,683
♪ I forgot the sound
Of my voice ♪
761
00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:54,438
♪ Every email I've ever sent
Ends with exclamation points ♪
762
00:37:54,439 --> 00:37:58,776
♪ I'm hardcore ashamed
Wide-eyed and adoring ♪
763
00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:04,282
♪ Been a full 15 minutes
Since I said I'm sorry ♪
764
00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:08,368
All right, Johnny!
765
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:13,917
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
766
00:38:17,545 --> 00:38:21,257
♪ (PICKS GUITAR) ♪
767
00:38:23,134 --> 00:38:25,345
- Fuck!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
768
00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:28,847
♪ People who say no regrets ♪
769
00:38:28,848 --> 00:38:31,475
♪ Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit ♪
770
00:38:31,476 --> 00:38:35,646
♪ Most likely, likely ♪
771
00:38:35,647 --> 00:38:38,106
♪ People who say no regrets ♪
772
00:38:38,107 --> 00:38:40,651
♪ Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit ♪
773
00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:44,823
♪ Most likely, likely ♪
774
00:38:46,199 --> 00:38:48,992
♪ I got an ocean of shame ♪
775
00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:51,537
- ♪ The wisdom of a puppy ♪
- (IMITATES BARK)
776
00:38:51,538 --> 00:38:57,543
♪ Dog paddling against the waves
Looking happy go lucky ♪
777
00:38:57,544 --> 00:39:04,341
- ♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
778
00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:06,343
Good show, everybody,
I'm Cornholio,
779
00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:08,971
I need toilet paper
for my asshole.
780
00:39:08,972 --> 00:39:10,889
How's everybody
doing out there tonight?
781
00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:12,683
Just need some toilet paper
for my asshole.
782
00:39:12,684 --> 00:39:14,561
'Cause I am Cornholio.
783
00:39:15,728 --> 00:39:18,605
I try to think of what, like,
made me who I am.
784
00:39:18,606 --> 00:39:20,566
I've been trying
to figure that out forever,
785
00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:22,818
and I think
I kind of whittled it down
786
00:39:22,819 --> 00:39:24,820
to one night of my life,
787
00:39:24,821 --> 00:39:27,656
which was when we had just moved
to this new town,
788
00:39:27,657 --> 00:39:30,450
Gulf Shores, right?
I didn't know nobody yet.
789
00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:32,661
My dad had left.
I was really sad.
790
00:39:32,662 --> 00:39:34,371
And my mom had gotten
into some trouble,
791
00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:36,707
and so she had to quit drinking.
792
00:39:36,708 --> 00:39:38,250
And that night,
I was really sad,
793
00:39:38,251 --> 00:39:39,960
and my mom was trying
to put me to bed,
794
00:39:39,961 --> 00:39:41,670
and she would do this thing
whenever I was sad,
795
00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:43,046
where she would trace my back,
796
00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:45,465
and she would say this
little thing where she'd go,
797
00:39:45,466 --> 00:39:49,553
"X marks the spot
with a dot, dot, dot,
798
00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:54,975
and a dash, dash, dash,
and a great big question mark.
799
00:39:54,976 --> 00:40:01,023
Chills go up, chills go down,
chills go all around.
800
00:40:01,024 --> 00:40:04,526
Give a breeze. (BLOWS AIR)
And a squeeze."
801
00:40:04,527 --> 00:40:07,070
And right when she said squeeze,
she had a seizure.
802
00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:10,240
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
803
00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:13,744
And she fell on top of me
and started seizing up.
804
00:40:13,745 --> 00:40:15,579
And then she bit her tongue off.
805
00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:17,873
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
806
00:40:17,874 --> 00:40:19,374
'Cause she was going
into withdrawals,
807
00:40:19,375 --> 00:40:21,126
and then she fell onto
the ground, kept seizing up.
808
00:40:21,127 --> 00:40:22,544
I thought she was dying.
809
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:24,046
But after a little while,
she came to,
810
00:40:24,047 --> 00:40:26,048
and she just, like,
looked up at me,
811
00:40:26,049 --> 00:40:28,676
and she was like,
"What happened?"
812
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:33,055
And I was like,
"Can't I just have one moment?"
813
00:40:33,056 --> 00:40:35,808
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
814
00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:38,685
Well, no, then I called
my grandparents,
815
00:40:38,686 --> 00:40:40,062
and my grandparents came
and got her,
816
00:40:40,063 --> 00:40:42,148
and then they just left me
and Johnny there.
817
00:40:43,483 --> 00:40:44,524
And, yeah, that was it.
818
00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:47,819
I remember just sitting
in my blood bed, uh...
819
00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:49,321
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
820
00:40:49,322 --> 00:40:52,574
...thinking, well,
this is what Blink-182
821
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:55,827
was talking about
whenever they sang,
822
00:40:55,828 --> 00:41:00,415
"I guess this is growing up."
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) That's this.
823
00:41:00,416 --> 00:41:02,584
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- ♪ (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
824
00:41:02,585 --> 00:41:05,003
I kind of knew that whatever
my mom was going through
825
00:41:05,004 --> 00:41:06,254
was way worse than whatever
826
00:41:06,255 --> 00:41:08,256
I was gonna end up
going through.
827
00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:11,343
So, I... I didn't ever wanna be
a problem or an obligation.
828
00:41:11,344 --> 00:41:15,055
If anything, I wanted
to be a distraction for her.
829
00:41:15,056 --> 00:41:19,226
But she was gone for a while,
and me and Johnny just ended up,
830
00:41:19,227 --> 00:41:21,436
you know, living with different
random family members
831
00:41:21,437 --> 00:41:23,898
or sleeping
on these guys' couches.
832
00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:26,608
It was weird.
833
00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:29,903
It was kind of like
living like a storm
834
00:41:29,904 --> 00:41:31,989
was gonna break over you
at any time,
835
00:41:31,990 --> 00:41:34,449
and you just had to be ready
to pick up and move.
836
00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:36,576
And it didn't help
because there's real storms
837
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:38,996
where we're from.
There's hurricanes.
838
00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:40,038
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
839
00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:42,457
So, it's kind of like
a double whammy, you know?
840
00:41:42,458 --> 00:41:44,459
But I'd always find
a silver lining,
841
00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,628
like, um... like, uh...
842
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:47,963
A lot of people don't know this,
843
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:50,340
but after hurricanes,
something cool happens,
844
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:52,342
which is that you get
hurricane treasure.
845
00:41:52,343 --> 00:41:54,011
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
846
00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:56,638
Like this one time, I got
the whole Waffle House sign
847
00:41:56,639 --> 00:41:58,056
- in my front yard.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
848
00:41:58,057 --> 00:42:00,308
WHITMER: I slapped that puppy
on my roof. I was like...
849
00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:02,227
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Y'all gotta come over.
850
00:42:02,228 --> 00:42:04,146
It's just like going
to a real Waffle House."
851
00:42:04,147 --> 00:42:06,815
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (NORMALLY) It was great, man.
852
00:42:06,816 --> 00:42:08,859
We were all going through
some kind of hell as kids,
853
00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:10,694
and we didn't really
have to talk about it.
854
00:42:10,695 --> 00:42:12,362
You know,
these are my best friends.
855
00:42:12,363 --> 00:42:14,740
We just kind of
understood each other.
856
00:42:14,741 --> 00:42:16,533
And why would we talk about it?
857
00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:18,702
Why would we ruin our Saturday
858
00:42:18,703 --> 00:42:20,787
of shooting Roman candles
at a port-a-potty?
859
00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:23,248
- (FIREWORK BANGS)
- KID 1: (LAUGHS) Oh, shit!
860
00:42:23,249 --> 00:42:24,624
We could sense it, you know?
861
00:42:24,625 --> 00:42:26,710
Clay could sense something
was going on with me,
862
00:42:26,711 --> 00:42:28,003
and he'd be like...
863
00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:29,796
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, guess what, man?
864
00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,757
I figured out
how to steal chicken tenders
865
00:42:31,758 --> 00:42:33,425
out the trash behind a Walmart."
866
00:42:33,426 --> 00:42:34,968
(NORMALLY)
And then we would go do that,
867
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:36,762
and all of our problems
would be solved.
868
00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:38,055
I'm so lucky
869
00:42:38,056 --> 00:42:40,807
- to have these guys.
- (KID 2 SCREAMS)
870
00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:42,184
- (FARTS)
- (KID 3 LAUGHS)
871
00:42:42,185 --> 00:42:45,062
(RETCHES, CHUCKLES)
872
00:42:45,063 --> 00:42:46,897
There's this interview
with Jake Phelps,
873
00:42:46,898 --> 00:42:48,774
the editor of Thrasher magazine.
874
00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:51,943
He's describing a group
of skaters in San Francisco
875
00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:56,364
bombing a hill into the fog
as "a terminal crew of dudes."
876
00:42:56,365 --> 00:42:58,408
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
877
00:42:58,409 --> 00:43:00,035
Which I think
is so poetic, you know?
878
00:43:00,036 --> 00:43:02,621
And I look at my friends
up here tonight like that,
879
00:43:02,622 --> 00:43:05,082
my terminal crew of dudes.
880
00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:07,959
- We've grown up together,
which is a trip.
- KID 4: Fuck yeah!
881
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,545
WHITMER: We've gotten
to grow up together.
882
00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:11,505
Especially with Jeramy.
883
00:43:11,506 --> 00:43:15,008
Jeramy's literally addicted
to getting run over by cars.
884
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:18,554
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- WHITMER: But we made it, man.
885
00:43:19,889 --> 00:43:24,101
We're gonna be all right.
My terminal crew.
886
00:43:24,102 --> 00:43:26,895
Except we're not bombing a hill
into the fog or anything.
887
00:43:26,896 --> 00:43:29,481
We're just, like,
skating something low-impact
888
00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:32,067
under a bridge
with a bunch of shirtless boys.
889
00:43:32,068 --> 00:43:36,113
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
890
00:43:36,114 --> 00:43:39,116
Up until recently, I kind of let
my parents' decisions
891
00:43:39,117 --> 00:43:42,245
dictate pretty much everything
I've ever done, you know?
892
00:43:43,412 --> 00:43:45,747
I kind of thought
for the longest time
893
00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:47,249
that I was a product of them,
894
00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:49,709
but in reality,
I'm a product of my friends,
895
00:43:49,710 --> 00:43:52,255
and I've felt so taken care of
because of them.
896
00:43:53,923 --> 00:43:59,427
You know, like... I never drank
or anything because I was scared
897
00:43:59,428 --> 00:44:01,514
after seeing
whatever happened to my mom.
898
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,101
But I feel like I really know
who I am now, and...
899
00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:09,604
I... I'm here to say tonight
to all you folks
900
00:44:09,605 --> 00:44:12,274
that, uh, I started drinking.
901
00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:14,734
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
902
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:18,697
- ♪ (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
RISING) ♪
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
903
00:44:18,698 --> 00:44:22,033
- It's awesome.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
904
00:44:22,034 --> 00:44:25,620
Yeah. It's really cool.
905
00:44:25,621 --> 00:44:28,081
I'm hoping I get addicted
to something this year.
906
00:44:28,082 --> 00:44:30,293
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- You just wait.
907
00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:36,465
♪ (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
CONTINUES) ♪
908
00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:47,727
♪ Kids, you're still young ♪
909
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:52,356
♪ On the sand in the sun ♪
910
00:44:54,483 --> 00:44:58,654
♪ Carving a castle
And piling it high ♪
911
00:44:59,739 --> 00:45:04,702
♪ Digging a moat
To keep away the bad guys ♪
912
00:45:07,747 --> 00:45:10,208
♪ One day your grief will be ♪
913
00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:15,796
♪ Like a blanket you carry ♪
914
00:45:17,673 --> 00:45:21,969
♪ A star you are gonna
Wish upon ♪
915
00:45:23,054 --> 00:45:26,724
♪ A feeling you are gonna bury ♪
916
00:45:30,645 --> 00:45:35,690
♪ And the deflector of heaviness
Is your cool little outfit ♪
917
00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:38,526
♪ It's a pair
Of shit-kicking boots ♪
918
00:45:38,527 --> 00:45:40,362
♪ And a leather jacket ♪
919
00:45:40,363 --> 00:45:46,117
♪ Why are you still wearing
Your mom's rhinestone belt? ♪
920
00:45:46,118 --> 00:45:48,245
♪ It's the best day
Of your life ♪
921
00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:51,165
♪ Or the worst
That you ever felt ♪
922
00:45:54,168 --> 00:45:59,256
♪ And in times of uncertainty
There's nothing you're above ♪
923
00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:04,010
♪ You only criticize the work
Of everyone you're jealous of ♪
924
00:46:04,011 --> 00:46:09,099
♪ And you long for the calamity
That you hope to forget ♪
925
00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:12,270
♪ So caught up in a daydream
You'll never see ♪
926
00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:15,022
♪ You're living it ♪
927
00:46:20,194 --> 00:46:22,655
♪ Old Buzz and Junebug ♪
928
00:46:24,657 --> 00:46:26,993
♪ Are you still having fun? ♪
929
00:46:28,577 --> 00:46:33,581
♪ A shell for a window
With a view of the sea ♪
930
00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:37,420
♪ A stage to tap dance
For infinity ♪
931
00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:43,675
♪ Looks like you wasted
All your time ♪
932
00:46:43,676 --> 00:46:46,261
♪ Trying to make
Something profound ♪
933
00:46:46,262 --> 00:46:48,513
♪ And you watched your ball ♪
934
00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:51,016
♪ Ping the goal post
Out of bounds ♪
935
00:46:51,017 --> 00:46:56,604
♪ All them things you won't try
In fear of wanting too much ♪
936
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:58,982
♪ You blew away
All your eyelashes ♪
937
00:46:58,983 --> 00:47:01,360
♪ Trying to shake
Your shit low ♪
938
00:47:03,863 --> 00:47:09,492
♪ And you mythologize the place
Where you come from ♪
939
00:47:09,493 --> 00:47:14,956
♪ You impersonate the people
That you hope to become ♪
940
00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:19,794
♪ But don't you go acting
Like no one's got your back ♪
941
00:47:19,795 --> 00:47:22,297
♪ Your brother's barking at ya ♪
942
00:47:22,298 --> 00:47:23,382
(AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS)
943
00:47:24,133 --> 00:47:26,218
♪ Trying to make you laugh ♪
944
00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:33,184
♪ And so the tide will come ♪
945
00:47:35,269 --> 00:47:37,396
♪ There's no golden one ♪
946
00:47:39,023 --> 00:47:43,486
♪ Your castle will crumble
And your shoulders will fry ♪
947
00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:47,989
♪ You see, man ♪
948
00:47:47,990 --> 00:47:52,078
♪ You ain't gotta try so hard
All the time ♪
949
00:48:02,505 --> 00:48:05,508
♪ So dip them toes
Into the shore ♪
950
00:48:07,343 --> 00:48:09,845
♪ Sunscreen stinging your eyes ♪
951
00:48:13,099 --> 00:48:16,018
♪ And wrap your cast
In a garbage bag ♪
952
00:48:17,728 --> 00:48:20,231
♪ Float into the horizon ♪
953
00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:27,278
♪ You will feel ♪
954
00:48:27,279 --> 00:48:34,286
♪ You will feel most lost
On the road you know by heart ♪
955
00:48:34,495 --> 00:48:36,705
♪ But ain't it fun ♪
956
00:48:37,957 --> 00:48:41,127
♪ Ain't it fun
To build sandcastles ♪
957
00:48:44,713 --> 00:48:48,926
♪ Just to tear them ♪
958
00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:51,887
♪ Apart? ♪
959
00:48:55,015 --> 00:49:01,980
- ♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
960
00:49:01,981 --> 00:49:03,065
Oh, shit.
961
00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:06,901
I forgot, okay,
this is a weird, uh...
962
00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:09,738
So, when I walked in here,
somebody handed me a letter.
963
00:49:10,990 --> 00:49:13,450
Uh, this is weird,
964
00:49:13,451 --> 00:49:15,785
- but I'm just gonna read it.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
965
00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:17,745
Someone handed me this
right when I walked in,
966
00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:19,914
which I thought was strange,
but here we go.
967
00:49:19,915 --> 00:49:23,293
"Dear Whit, I'm also
from down south,
968
00:49:23,294 --> 00:49:24,919
and I just wanted to say
969
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:28,466
that your comedy has inspired me
to try comedy myself."
970
00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:31,760
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
971
00:49:33,429 --> 00:49:35,805
"I grew up with
an alcoholic mom too."
972
00:49:35,806 --> 00:49:37,932
- (AUDIENCE MEMBER
SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
- Yeah.
973
00:49:37,933 --> 00:49:41,020
"She passed away
five years ago."
974
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:43,146
Fucking hell.
975
00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:44,939
"Watching your stand-up
has helped me
976
00:49:44,940 --> 00:49:47,984
get through one of the most
difficult times in my life."
977
00:49:47,985 --> 00:49:49,736
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
978
00:49:49,737 --> 00:49:51,821
"I know it's probably lame,
but I wrote a joke
979
00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:54,950
that I wanted you to hear
because you inspire me so much."
980
00:49:56,535 --> 00:49:58,286
Okay.
981
00:49:58,287 --> 00:50:00,288
"Why do girls
always carry around
982
00:50:00,289 --> 00:50:02,373
these big-ass water bottles?"
983
00:50:02,374 --> 00:50:04,459
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
984
00:50:04,460 --> 00:50:06,794
"The water bottles
are getting bigger, folks,
985
00:50:06,795 --> 00:50:11,508
- and the girls are loving them."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
986
00:50:11,509 --> 00:50:14,719
"Basically, these bitches
are carrying around a bathtub
987
00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:18,265
- with a straw in it."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
988
00:50:20,226 --> 00:50:22,727
"You'd think
these filthy bitches would have
989
00:50:22,728 --> 00:50:26,523
- biceps bigger than The Rock."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
990
00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:29,817
"Open your own damn pickle jar,
you hog bitch."
991
00:50:29,818 --> 00:50:32,737
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
992
00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:35,573
"Thanks for inspiring me
to do comedy."
993
00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:40,704
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
994
00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:47,378
- Uh, okay.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
995
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:53,216
After my mom got out of rehab,
996
00:50:53,217 --> 00:50:55,343
it was one of the best times
of my whole life.
997
00:50:55,344 --> 00:50:58,429
By then, I had gone to school,
I had met my friends,
998
00:50:58,430 --> 00:50:59,514
and it was my birthday,
999
00:50:59,515 --> 00:51:01,724
and so my mom let me have
my friends over
1000
00:51:01,725 --> 00:51:04,143
to watch movies
for my birthday party.
1001
00:51:04,144 --> 00:51:06,479
And we're all sitting there
watching movies with my mom,
1002
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:07,939
and then she goes to sleep.
1003
00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:11,359
As soon as my mom closes
her bedroom door,
1004
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:13,278
Jeramy goes...
1005
00:51:13,279 --> 00:51:16,573
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, we should go
to the Spice Channel."
1006
00:51:16,574 --> 00:51:18,283
(NORMALLY) For those of y'all
who don't know...
1007
00:51:18,284 --> 00:51:21,077
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1008
00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:23,621
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Jeramy.
- (CHUCKLES)
1009
00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:24,872
For those of y'all
who don't know,
1010
00:51:24,873 --> 00:51:28,918
the Spice Channel is like
the porn channel, Channel 59.
1011
00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:30,420
You gotta rent it.
And I was like,
1012
00:51:30,421 --> 00:51:32,213
"Dude, there's nothing ever
on the Spice Channel.
1013
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:34,424
It just comes in fuzzy."
And he goes...
1014
00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:36,593
(YELLING) "Go to
the Spice Channel, please!
1015
00:51:36,594 --> 00:51:42,056
Please, God, please!
I need this! I need Spice!"
1016
00:51:42,057 --> 00:51:45,935
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- He needed Spice, I don't know.
1017
00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:48,897
- Spice is nice.
- Spice is nice. (CHUCKLES)
1018
00:51:50,149 --> 00:51:53,234
So, I agree. Fine.
I go to the Spice Channel.
1019
00:51:53,235 --> 00:51:56,154
And on this day,
my 11th birthday,
1020
00:51:56,155 --> 00:52:00,074
the Spice Channel
is coming in clear as day.
1021
00:52:00,075 --> 00:52:03,536
No joke. And it's just the porn
of a bunch of women going down
1022
00:52:03,537 --> 00:52:07,123
on each other in an alleyway.
Pretty cool.
1023
00:52:07,124 --> 00:52:11,002
So, me and all my buddies
do the thing that little kids do
1024
00:52:11,003 --> 00:52:14,005
when something good happens,
which is this. "Hoh!"
1025
00:52:14,006 --> 00:52:17,925
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
1026
00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:20,638
Looking good, fellas.
We still got it.
1027
00:52:23,682 --> 00:52:26,309
We're all doing that,
and I do the good friend thing,
1028
00:52:26,310 --> 00:52:27,769
which is I go
to the hall closet,
1029
00:52:27,770 --> 00:52:29,437
and I grab a bunch of blankets,
and I go,
1030
00:52:29,438 --> 00:52:31,898
"Here's your blanket
to jack off under,
1031
00:52:31,899 --> 00:52:34,359
and you get a blanket
to jack off under.
1032
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,403
Here's your blanket."
Johnny wasn't there.
1033
00:52:37,404 --> 00:52:39,530
Johnny was probably
driving around in his van
1034
00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:41,866
with his girlfriend
listening to Deftones.
1035
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,951
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1036
00:52:43,952 --> 00:52:46,996
Anyway, so all my fellas
are so excited,
1037
00:52:46,997 --> 00:52:48,915
they can't wait to jack off.
1038
00:52:48,916 --> 00:52:52,210
I distinctly remember hearing
the loudest un-Velcroing
1039
00:52:52,211 --> 00:52:54,462
of board shorts
you've ever heard.
1040
00:52:54,463 --> 00:52:59,676
- Just... (ROARS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1041
00:52:59,677 --> 00:53:01,761
They're all raring to go,
and I go, "Hold up, fellas.
1042
00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,805
Before we all start
jacking off together,
1043
00:53:03,806 --> 00:53:05,848
I gotta make sure
my mom's asleep,
1044
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:08,142
'cause I don't want her
walking in here
1045
00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:11,562
while we're all jacking off
together on my 11th birthday.
1046
00:53:11,563 --> 00:53:14,858
- That might be weird for her."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1047
00:53:16,819 --> 00:53:18,361
So, I go to my mom's door.
1048
00:53:18,362 --> 00:53:20,571
They're all sitting
just like this, all right?
1049
00:53:20,572 --> 00:53:21,656
That's them.
1050
00:53:21,657 --> 00:53:24,409
And my mom's door's about here.
The TV's here. I go in.
1051
00:53:24,410 --> 00:53:27,829
I kind of creak the door open
real quiet, and I peek in there,
1052
00:53:27,830 --> 00:53:29,247
and I look around.
1053
00:53:29,248 --> 00:53:32,458
And I look to the left,
and I see that just, like,
1054
00:53:32,459 --> 00:53:34,168
there's a flickering of the TV,
1055
00:53:34,169 --> 00:53:36,212
and I'm like,
"Okay, interesting."
1056
00:53:36,213 --> 00:53:38,840
I dip my head
in there a little further,
1057
00:53:38,841 --> 00:53:41,884
and I see on my mom's TV
is the porn
1058
00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:45,012
of all the women going down
on each other in the alley.
1059
00:53:45,013 --> 00:53:50,352
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1060
00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:54,857
- "What the heck?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1061
00:53:55,858 --> 00:53:56,859
(CHUCKLES)
1062
00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:06,325
And I thought to myself, "Okay,
well, maybe my mom fell asleep,
1063
00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:08,035
and then she rolled
onto the remote,
1064
00:54:08,036 --> 00:54:09,203
and then she went to there,
1065
00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:11,205
and then she accidentally
rolled onto her phone,
1066
00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:13,916
and then she slept-talked
her credit card information
1067
00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:15,710
into her phone,
and then she rented
1068
00:54:15,711 --> 00:54:18,463
the Spice Channel
for the night."
1069
00:54:18,464 --> 00:54:21,215
So, I get my head
in there a little further,
1070
00:54:21,216 --> 00:54:26,429
and I see that my mom
is wide awake.
1071
00:54:26,430 --> 00:54:28,181
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1072
00:54:28,182 --> 00:54:31,142
And my mom
has a blanket of her own.
1073
00:54:31,143 --> 00:54:36,022
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1074
00:54:36,023 --> 00:54:41,236
So, uh... I just sort of
very quietly close the door...
1075
00:54:42,446 --> 00:54:45,115
and I put my head against it,
and I think...
1076
00:54:47,993 --> 00:54:50,620
I had been through
a lot that year.
1077
00:54:50,621 --> 00:54:52,247
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1078
00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:57,085
I seen a lot of stuff
I wasn't supposed to see.
1079
00:55:00,088 --> 00:55:02,090
We all kind of
were going through it.
1080
00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:05,176
We had to make a big change
in our life
1081
00:55:05,177 --> 00:55:07,720
and we were all lonely
and learning how to be
1082
00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:10,599
in this new place,
this new life.
1083
00:55:12,267 --> 00:55:13,936
I felt bad for my mom.
1084
00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:17,272
Walked back to the couch.
1085
00:55:18,148 --> 00:55:19,650
I sat with my pals.
1086
00:55:22,528 --> 00:55:25,029
And I un-Velcroed
my board shorts.
1087
00:55:25,030 --> 00:55:29,283
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1088
00:55:29,284 --> 00:55:32,579
- (IMITATES VELCRO RIPPING)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1089
00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:36,750
My pals
are all smiling, excited.
1090
00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:42,380
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1091
00:55:42,381 --> 00:55:44,590
I give them the go-ahead,
start jacking off.
1092
00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:48,970
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1093
00:55:48,971 --> 00:55:50,847
It's the best night
of Jeramy's life.
1094
00:55:50,848 --> 00:55:53,600
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1095
00:55:57,604 --> 00:55:58,730
And you know...
1096
00:55:59,982 --> 00:56:01,691
I start jacking off too.
1097
00:56:01,692 --> 00:56:04,695
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1098
00:56:05,779 --> 00:56:08,490
I looked around the room
at all these smiling faces.
1099
00:56:12,995 --> 00:56:16,372
And I'm pretty sure
that night...
1100
00:56:16,373 --> 00:56:20,627
all my pals thought that
I was jacking off with them.
1101
00:56:21,753 --> 00:56:25,007
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1102
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:30,052
I was jacking off with my mom.
1103
00:56:30,053 --> 00:56:34,682
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1104
00:56:34,683 --> 00:56:38,353
♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
RISING) ♪
1105
00:56:42,691 --> 00:56:43,859
Thank you.
1106
00:56:46,194 --> 00:56:48,362
Thank you. Thank you.
1107
00:56:48,363 --> 00:56:50,407
And, you know,
don't worry about me.
1108
00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:55,494
I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm okay. I'm fine.
1109
00:56:55,495 --> 00:56:58,039
I just have the sudden urge
to go inside.
1110
00:56:58,040 --> 00:57:01,292
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
1111
00:57:01,293 --> 00:57:07,049
♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
CONTINUES) ♪
1112
00:57:18,393 --> 00:57:21,938
♪ Well, how lucky
Can one guy be? ♪
1113
00:57:21,939 --> 00:57:26,484
♪ I found some pals
As dumb as me ♪
1114
00:57:26,485 --> 00:57:30,237
♪ My tears dissolve
Into the sea ♪
1115
00:57:30,238 --> 00:57:36,160
♪ Hit with the choppy waves
Of memories ♪
1116
00:57:36,161 --> 00:57:39,748
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
- ♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
1117
00:57:43,085 --> 00:57:47,546
♪ Well, our house got blown
Into the bay ♪
1118
00:57:47,547 --> 00:57:51,509
♪ We didn't like it
There anyway ♪
1119
00:57:51,510 --> 00:57:55,471
♪ And Johnny got himself a van ♪
1120
00:57:55,472 --> 00:58:00,143
♪ And we ran away
To Birmingham ♪
1121
00:58:04,022 --> 00:58:08,275
♪ Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch ♪
1122
00:58:08,276 --> 00:58:12,655
♪ Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish ♪
1123
00:58:12,656 --> 00:58:14,156
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna go ♪
1124
00:58:14,157 --> 00:58:18,452
♪ Through them white sand dunes
Without my terminal ♪
1125
00:58:18,453 --> 00:58:22,290
♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪
1126
00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:33,426
♪ And so, Jer quit school
And left town ♪
1127
00:58:33,427 --> 00:58:37,722
♪ Work nights at Waffle House ♪
1128
00:58:37,723 --> 00:58:41,851
♪ He put his pay check on red ♪
1129
00:58:41,852 --> 00:58:46,605
♪ Had to move back home again ♪
1130
00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:49,525
♪ That's the trouble
With winning ♪
1131
00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:54,321
♪ You gotta
Have something to lose ♪
1132
00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:58,325
♪ And coming up
Don't feel so good ♪
1133
00:58:58,326 --> 00:59:03,331
♪ If you ain't
Never been screwed ♪
1134
00:59:06,334 --> 00:59:10,838
♪ Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch ♪
1135
00:59:10,839 --> 00:59:14,800
♪ Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish ♪
1136
00:59:14,801 --> 00:59:16,969
♪ 'Cause I don't even know ♪
1137
00:59:16,970 --> 00:59:21,015
♪ How to sing the blues
Without my terminal ♪
1138
00:59:21,016 --> 00:59:24,895
♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪
1139
00:59:29,357 --> 00:59:31,650
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
1140
00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:35,905
♪ And we're too cynical
To pray ♪
1141
00:59:35,906 --> 00:59:39,909
♪ And too wound up to meditate ♪
1142
00:59:39,910 --> 00:59:44,080
♪ Just tumbling through
That by and by ♪
1143
00:59:44,081 --> 00:59:45,623
♪ Some beach rats ♪
1144
00:59:45,624 --> 00:59:49,211
- ♪ Flying into the night sky ♪
- (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
1145
00:59:52,214 --> 00:59:56,550
♪ Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch ♪
1146
00:59:56,551 --> 01:00:01,097
♪ Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish ♪
1147
01:00:01,098 --> 01:00:03,015
♪ 'Cause I could
Never go through ♪
1148
01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:07,019
♪ What I've been through
Without my terminal ♪
1149
01:00:07,020 --> 01:00:10,607
♪ My terminal crew of dudes ♪
1150
01:00:11,650 --> 01:00:14,569
♪ Terminal crew of dudes ♪
1151
01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:21,992
♪ Terminal crew of dudes ♪
1152
01:00:21,993 --> 01:00:28,249
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1153
01:00:28,250 --> 01:00:30,084
(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
1154
01:00:30,085 --> 01:00:32,045
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
1155
01:00:33,964 --> 01:00:38,760
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)