1 00:00:05,517 --> 00:00:07,019 Horatio. 2 00:00:07,105 --> 00:00:09,240 Emma. What are you doing here? 3 00:00:09,329 --> 00:00:11,949 I couldn't bear to let you go without saying goodbye. 4 00:00:12,029 --> 00:00:14,367 You shouldn't have come, Emma. People will talk. 5 00:00:14,452 --> 00:00:18,382 Let them talk. I'm tired of hiding our love away. 6 00:00:18,462 --> 00:00:21,320 - I'm not ashamed of how I feel. - Neither am I. 7 00:00:21,401 --> 00:00:23,502 But we both know we shouldn't be together. 8 00:00:23,585 --> 00:00:27,075 - Shouldn't? Who says we shouldn't? - My conscience. 9 00:00:27,913 --> 00:00:31,279 My conscience tells me everything I feel for you is wrong. 10 00:00:32,242 --> 00:00:35,449 But my heart, my heart says... 11 00:00:36,014 --> 00:00:37,911 I can't live without you. 12 00:00:38,675 --> 00:00:41,690 - Promise me you'll return. - I promise. 13 00:00:41,772 --> 00:00:44,505 Because if Napoleon doesn't kill me, 14 00:00:44,592 --> 00:00:47,765 then being away from you surely will. 15 00:00:57,219 --> 00:00:59,557 Cut! Yeah, brilliant, thank you. 16 00:01:01,349 --> 00:01:03,212 - Could you see me? - Yeah, definitely. 17 00:01:03,295 --> 00:01:06,818 Excellent. We'll get out before that fat little extra gets his face in. 18 00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:10,788 Okay. 19 00:01:12,825 --> 00:01:15,558 DIRECTOR: Rest the guys for 10 minutes. 20 00:01:15,645 --> 00:01:18,536 That's correct. Yeah, great. 21 00:01:18,623 --> 00:01:20,407 We're moving on to 37. 22 00:01:31,211 --> 00:01:33,989 Hey. Who are we using for the girl by the carriage? 23 00:01:34,070 --> 00:01:35,888 We thought this one. 24 00:01:35,976 --> 00:01:40,618 No, I said I needed some decent tits and they're... rubbish. 25 00:01:42,449 --> 00:01:46,413 Well, I could maybe pad them up a bit. Or just sort of, like, push them... 26 00:01:46,499 --> 00:01:48,678 - You could use these. - Bingo. 27 00:01:48,763 --> 00:01:51,857 Bingo these in half an hour after I've had a wee fiddle with them. 28 00:01:51,939 --> 00:01:55,351 - I just need to squeeze them. - Well, work on them over lunch, yeah? 29 00:01:55,434 --> 00:01:58,608 Because at the moment they're just, urgh, nothing. 30 00:01:58,690 --> 00:02:00,791 - Okay. - Good. 31 00:02:00,874 --> 00:02:02,692 Would it be easier just to use these? 32 00:02:02,780 --> 00:02:07,264 We made a decision to use mine, so can we just go with these? If I just squeeze them... 33 00:02:07,347 --> 00:02:09,165 It would be less work. 34 00:02:09,253 --> 00:02:12,776 You've got padding at the bottom of them. Can I get some padding? 35 00:02:15,170 --> 00:02:18,615 MAGGIE: This cow's like, she's like sticking her tits in his face 36 00:02:18,704 --> 00:02:22,464 and I'm saying, "He said he wanted to use my tits. Can we just go with my tits, please?" 37 00:02:22,556 --> 00:02:24,498 I think Meryl Streep went through a similar thing. 38 00:02:24,581 --> 00:02:27,551 - I know it's not important but... - It is important. 39 00:02:27,639 --> 00:02:30,259 I remember Laurence Olivier having a rant in Richard III 40 00:02:30,339 --> 00:02:32,914 because they wanted to use stunt testicles and he said, 41 00:02:32,999 --> 00:02:36,173 "Listen, these gonads are going to be seen because they went to RADA. 42 00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:39,068 "You either use the Lord Olivier plums or nothing at all." 43 00:02:39,155 --> 00:02:40,498 Next. 44 00:02:40,584 --> 00:02:43,317 Ahh... And what do you recommend, my good man? 45 00:02:44,912 --> 00:02:47,803 - Chicken's the warmest. - Is it? I'll have that, then. 46 00:02:48,169 --> 00:02:49,388 Chicken. 47 00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:57,734 Your heart's not in this, is it? 48 00:02:57,818 --> 00:03:00,393 Although one of your pubes is, I see. 49 00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:05,552 - Straight in there like that, no messing. - It's not a pube, it's a dog hair. 50 00:03:05,641 --> 00:03:08,453 It's all right, it's not a pube, it's a dog hair, everyone. 51 00:03:08,540 --> 00:03:11,115 I thought it was a pube. It's not, it's just a dog hair. 52 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:15,560 If you do get a hair in there, he just gets it out with his big sausage fingers. 53 00:03:18,229 --> 00:03:20,330 - I don't know why I do this. - What? 54 00:03:20,413 --> 00:03:24,174 All this. "Oh, we'll cut before the fat bloke gets his face in shot." 55 00:03:24,265 --> 00:03:27,754 It's just absolutely demeaning. I don't know why I put myself through it. 56 00:03:27,839 --> 00:03:30,053 - Because you're an actor. - This isn't acting. 57 00:03:30,142 --> 00:03:32,514 Getting the back of your head or your arm in a shot. 58 00:03:32,604 --> 00:03:35,778 And bloody Ross Kemp in every scene, he gets all the lines. 59 00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:38,198 Do you know what I mean? Why is he the star and not me? 60 00:03:38,283 --> 00:03:40,733 There but for the grace of God go I. And it's just... What? 61 00:03:40,824 --> 00:03:42,371 - It's not quite. - Well, it is. 62 00:03:42,452 --> 00:03:44,033 It's not just luck, is it? 63 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,853 - Why not? We're about the same age... - No, he's younger than you. 64 00:03:46,939 --> 00:03:49,074 - No, he's not. We're about the same age. - Is he? 65 00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:51,783 - Yeah. - He looks a lot younger than you. 66 00:03:51,863 --> 00:03:53,964 You're having a laugh. He hasn't got any hair. 67 00:03:54,047 --> 00:03:56,667 He's meant to look like that. He's shaved it all off. 68 00:03:56,748 --> 00:03:58,882 It's like cool, it's like Vin Diesel. 69 00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:01,264 Vin Diesel? Sorry, are we looking at the same bloke? 70 00:04:01,354 --> 00:04:06,188 Have another look, right. Look at him there. He looks more like Zippy from Rainbow. 71 00:04:06,278 --> 00:04:07,587 (MIMICKING ZIPPY) Hello! 72 00:04:07,668 --> 00:04:11,474 Bungle, what are you doing in the Queen Vic, Bungle? 73 00:04:11,559 --> 00:04:15,286 Phil, why did you sleep with my wife? Look, look. 74 00:04:16,483 --> 00:04:19,183 Vin Diesel hasn't got a perfectly round little head 75 00:04:19,263 --> 00:04:21,713 that opens and shuts like Pac-Man, look at it. 76 00:04:22,638 --> 00:04:25,258 - He's got less chins than you as well. - One chin, one chin each. 77 00:04:25,339 --> 00:04:28,038 - Yeah, but yours is growing another one. - Shut up. 78 00:04:28,118 --> 00:04:30,569 In five years' time, he's still going to look pretty rugged 79 00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:35,821 - and you're just going to look like a pelican. - A pelican? Good, nice one. 80 00:04:37,847 --> 00:04:39,744 - What you looking at? - Nothing. 81 00:04:39,833 --> 00:04:41,380 Well, obviously him. 82 00:04:41,461 --> 00:04:43,562 - Husband material? - Could be. 83 00:04:43,645 --> 00:04:46,773 - What are you basing it on this time? - Don't know but look at him. 84 00:04:46,861 --> 00:04:49,674 He's all dashing and handsome in his green. 85 00:04:50,078 --> 00:04:53,015 Why do men not dress like that nowadays? 86 00:04:53,096 --> 00:04:55,512 Because they'd get beaten up on the Tube. 87 00:05:09,774 --> 00:05:12,112 - All right? - All right, Greg. 88 00:05:12,832 --> 00:05:14,616 - Indeed I am. - Good. 89 00:05:14,897 --> 00:05:18,657 I'm actually working across the way, Studio H, the big one. 90 00:05:18,749 --> 00:05:21,606 Doing a film with Mr Vinnie Jones. 91 00:05:21,687 --> 00:05:25,335 So, actually, just learning a few lines I've got to do with him later. 92 00:05:25,420 --> 00:05:27,554 - Lines? - Yes, indeed. 93 00:05:27,922 --> 00:05:29,265 Well done. 94 00:05:29,351 --> 00:05:31,643 So what's your part in this epic, then? 95 00:05:31,734 --> 00:05:33,710 The fourth seaman from the left or... 96 00:05:33,799 --> 00:05:35,267 Hardly. 97 00:05:35,347 --> 00:05:38,362 You got something a bit more... Bit meatier, bit more substantial. 98 00:05:38,445 --> 00:05:41,415 You got a speaking part or a... No? 99 00:05:41,502 --> 00:05:42,688 Not in this one, no. 100 00:05:42,773 --> 00:05:45,630 - Seriously, how do you survive? - Don't worry about it, really. 101 00:05:45,712 --> 00:05:48,331 - Digging into the savings? - Not really. 102 00:05:48,412 --> 00:05:51,269 The pile diminishes, does it? Gotta get some work soon. 103 00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:53,688 - Gotta get some work soon. - Working all the time, mate. 104 00:05:53,773 --> 00:05:55,590 - Don't worry about it. - Sort of. 105 00:05:55,679 --> 00:05:57,779 Are your parents still sending you money? 106 00:05:57,863 --> 00:06:01,386 Well, yeah. Either that or I, you know, threaten to sign on. 107 00:06:01,476 --> 00:06:04,842 And lo! The cheque doth cometh in the post. 108 00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:06,873 - It keeps the wolf from the door. - Good. 109 00:06:06,956 --> 00:06:09,610 How is the door of the house your parents bought you, is that all right? 110 00:06:09,696 --> 00:06:11,039 - Yes, it's fine. - Good. 111 00:06:11,126 --> 00:06:14,220 - Look, I've got lines to learn. - Thanks for coming over and sharing that. 112 00:06:14,303 --> 00:06:17,002 - Seriously, mate, something will crop up. - Don't worry about it. 113 00:06:17,082 --> 00:06:18,900 Don't worry about it, mate. Worry about yourself. 114 00:06:18,988 --> 00:06:20,174 - Stiff upper lip. - Yes. 115 00:06:20,259 --> 00:06:23,467 - And other clichés too numerous to mention. - Don't mention them then. 116 00:06:23,555 --> 00:06:25,814 - See you later, mate. - Cheers, mate. 117 00:06:25,898 --> 00:06:27,716 Tosser. Not you. 118 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:57,381 Excuse me. Do you mind if I go in front of you, please? 119 00:06:57,467 --> 00:06:59,602 - What? - Can I go before you? 120 00:06:59,691 --> 00:07:02,424 - Why? - I've got a little bit of a stomach upset. 121 00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:03,899 Oh, okay. 122 00:07:09,341 --> 00:07:10,447 - Hello. - Hi. 123 00:07:10,532 --> 00:07:13,502 I think she wants to go in front of you, she's got diarrhoea. 124 00:07:14,265 --> 00:07:17,280 Don't want it exploding everywhere. Messy. 125 00:07:19,268 --> 00:07:20,691 Thank you. 126 00:07:35,073 --> 00:07:37,014 Saw you looking. 127 00:07:37,098 --> 00:07:39,312 Thought I'd better get it out of the way. 128 00:07:40,116 --> 00:07:42,691 Yeah, it is me. 129 00:07:43,372 --> 00:07:44,761 Hi, I'm Andy. 130 00:07:45,596 --> 00:07:47,064 - How you doing? - Oh! 131 00:07:47,144 --> 00:07:48,770 - Sorry, did that hurt? - No... 132 00:07:48,852 --> 00:07:52,782 Good. I was worried I might have hurt you. Don't know my own strength sometimes. 133 00:07:52,863 --> 00:07:56,713 If I had meant to hurt you, you wouldn't have any ribs left so you got off lightly. 134 00:07:56,794 --> 00:07:59,210 - Let's leave it there. - Okay. 135 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,817 You know, I love playing military parts. 136 00:08:05,133 --> 00:08:07,312 Well, as you know, I was in the SAS. 137 00:08:07,952 --> 00:08:11,047 No. I knew you did that TV show about the SAS. 138 00:08:11,566 --> 00:08:14,852 Yeah, but how did I know how to do all that shit in it? 139 00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:17,672 I assumed you had consultants and stuff. 140 00:08:17,761 --> 00:08:20,460 If that's what you believe, then that's what you believe. 141 00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:23,431 All right, I wasn't in the SAS for six months and they didn't say, 142 00:08:23,519 --> 00:08:25,732 "Ross, why don't you give up this acting lark? 143 00:08:25,822 --> 00:08:28,679 "We could really do with you in Afghanistan." 144 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,386 - Did they? - Couldn't say. 145 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:33,754 All I know is, if I do get into a fight, I'd better have an escape route 146 00:08:33,843 --> 00:08:38,124 because I don't want to go to prison for murder, because that's what it would be. 147 00:08:38,211 --> 00:08:40,865 Because my body is a lethal weapon. 148 00:08:41,428 --> 00:08:43,483 And me in prison, face like this. 149 00:08:44,565 --> 00:08:46,033 Pretty boy. 150 00:08:46,789 --> 00:08:49,330 I'd be in the shower just lathering up, 151 00:08:49,409 --> 00:08:52,380 a couple of guys would come in wanting a bit of Kemp arse. 152 00:08:52,467 --> 00:08:54,444 I'd see them in the mirror and... 153 00:08:57,510 --> 00:09:01,079 What I'm saying is, you'd best not get into a fight with me. 154 00:09:01,719 --> 00:09:03,063 Sure. 155 00:09:06,127 --> 00:09:07,787 Or a conversation. 156 00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:17,561 What do you do when you're not doing this? What's your day job? 157 00:09:17,643 --> 00:09:19,620 I work in a pub. 158 00:09:19,708 --> 00:09:22,882 - What about you? - I do this full time. I'm an actor. 159 00:09:22,964 --> 00:09:25,302 - You do this full time? - Yeah, yeah. 160 00:09:25,387 --> 00:09:27,126 Like most actors, I act full time. 161 00:09:27,213 --> 00:09:30,545 Yeah, but this isn't really acting, is it? I mean, this is extra work. 162 00:09:30,628 --> 00:09:33,282 Well, no, supporting artist work, innit? 163 00:09:33,368 --> 00:09:36,496 But it's just, this is just pocket money. I am actually an actor. 164 00:09:36,585 --> 00:09:40,030 Right. I was gonna say 'cause you can't really make a living from being an extra. 165 00:09:40,119 --> 00:09:41,260 No. 166 00:09:41,350 --> 00:09:45,393 No, but he used to have a proper job. He used to... He owns his own house. 167 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,530 Doesn't have to pay a mortgage so he can afford to live on a pittance. 168 00:09:48,617 --> 00:09:51,587 I don't live on a pittance, though, do I? People pay me to act so... 169 00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:53,967 - Yeah, you say you're an actor. - Yeah, I do. 170 00:09:54,057 --> 00:09:56,078 - But what have you actually acted in? - I've appeared... 171 00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:59,889 I mean proper acting, not walking in the background. I mean, actually speaking. 172 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,549 - I know. - Well? 173 00:10:03,826 --> 00:10:05,610 - What, you want me to... - Yeah. 174 00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:06,720 Okay. 175 00:10:08,154 --> 00:10:10,368 - My Family, the Robert Lindsay sitcom. - Really? 176 00:10:10,457 --> 00:10:13,507 Yeah, it was just a thing, sort of a scene on the bus 177 00:10:13,594 --> 00:10:15,412 and the bus conductor come along 178 00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,515 and, "Tickets please," and I just went, "Yeah, sure, no problem." 179 00:10:18,598 --> 00:10:21,376 - Did you? - Yes. 180 00:10:21,497 --> 00:10:23,123 - That was the line? - Yeah. 181 00:10:23,204 --> 00:10:24,864 He comes along and goes, "Tickets please," 182 00:10:24,951 --> 00:10:26,611 and I go, "Yeah, no problem. Mate, there you go." 183 00:10:26,699 --> 00:10:29,240 So if I got that episode and watched it, that's what I'd see you say, 184 00:10:29,319 --> 00:10:31,420 - "Sure, no problem." - Well, yeah. 185 00:10:31,504 --> 00:10:33,525 (MUMBLES) "...there you go." 186 00:10:33,608 --> 00:10:36,150 Well, I didn't... What was that? What's the line? 187 00:10:36,229 --> 00:10:38,330 - What's the problem? - What is the line? 188 00:10:38,413 --> 00:10:40,152 The conductor wants the ticket, I'm showing him it. 189 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,979 And what do you say? 190 00:10:42,066 --> 00:10:43,850 He asks for my ticket. 191 00:10:43,933 --> 00:10:45,750 - Yeah. - And I go... 192 00:10:45,839 --> 00:10:49,882 I can't hear what you're saying. No, let's do it like it is actually on the screen. 193 00:10:49,969 --> 00:10:53,255 I'll be the bus driver, okay, and you just be you, all right? 194 00:10:53,344 --> 00:10:55,760 Tickets please, can I see your tickets please? 195 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,695 I can't hear anything. No one can hear anything. 196 00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:01,879 - It was years ago. - But that's not proper acting. 197 00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:04,140 - What is it, then? - I can tell you what acting is. 198 00:11:04,224 --> 00:11:07,398 - I can tell you what I've acted in... - Not interested. 199 00:11:07,481 --> 00:11:10,892 I've acted in, and I'm talking proper speaking parts, in Emmerdale, 200 00:11:10,975 --> 00:11:12,522 - Silent Witness. - Silent Witness? 201 00:11:12,603 --> 00:11:14,072 - Silent Witness. - Shh! 202 00:11:14,271 --> 00:11:17,874 I was a narc in The Bill, that was a recurring character, 203 00:11:17,964 --> 00:11:21,172 that was three episodes and really good lines of dialogue. 204 00:11:21,260 --> 00:11:23,394 You haven't even been in The Bill, have you? 205 00:11:23,484 --> 00:11:25,980 - I don't want to be in The Bill. - You haven't even been in The Bill? 206 00:11:26,065 --> 00:11:27,770 Listen, I don't want to be in The Bill. 207 00:11:27,852 --> 00:11:30,031 - Have you ever been in Casualty? - Yeah. 208 00:11:30,115 --> 00:11:33,797 - The TV show Casualty? - Well, no, but... No. 209 00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:53,462 Right, this is the deal. 210 00:11:53,544 --> 00:11:56,243 You've been my agent now for, what, five years? 211 00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:59,655 And you're not getting me any real acting work. 212 00:11:59,739 --> 00:12:02,517 - Nothing's coming in. - Nothing's coming in. In five years? 213 00:12:02,598 --> 00:12:04,699 That's the problem. I'm as annoyed as you are. 214 00:12:04,782 --> 00:12:08,712 But I'm not sure there's a demand for, you know, little 45-year-old blokes. 215 00:12:08,793 --> 00:12:09,820 43. 216 00:12:09,905 --> 00:12:13,112 Whatever. You know, I wonder, are you sure you want to be an actor? 217 00:12:13,201 --> 00:12:17,368 You've given it five years, nothing's come in. Maybe it's time to just throw in the towel. 218 00:12:18,522 --> 00:12:20,622 My agent, ladies and gentlemen. My agent. 219 00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:23,800 - Look... Hello, mate, all right? - Sorry to interrupt. 220 00:12:23,882 --> 00:12:26,582 - That's all right. Do you know Barry? - All right, Shaun. How's it going? 221 00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:29,712 I'm working with a friend of yours at the moment, Ross Kemp. 222 00:12:29,799 --> 00:12:31,268 - How is he? - Yeah, good. 223 00:12:31,348 --> 00:12:34,600 I wouldn't mention Ross' name round here. Ross is sort of mud with Barry 224 00:12:34,684 --> 00:12:37,936 because it was Ross that persuaded Barry to leave EastEnders. 225 00:12:38,019 --> 00:12:40,797 Ross leaves, he goes to ITV. He says it's a million pounds or nothing. 226 00:12:40,878 --> 00:12:42,380 They give him a million pound contract. 227 00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:46,227 So I go with Barry and say we want a million pounds or nothing, they chose nothing. 228 00:12:46,319 --> 00:12:49,763 They went with the nothing option that time, didn't they? 229 00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:53,342 You were upset, weren't you? Depressed. Couldn't get out of bed for two weeks. 230 00:12:53,427 --> 00:12:55,324 I was livid and looking back, what I should have done is, 231 00:12:55,412 --> 00:12:58,382 I shouldn't have given them the nothing option. I should have said, 232 00:12:58,470 --> 00:13:01,440 "We want a million pounds or we want £500," 233 00:13:01,527 --> 00:13:03,233 and that way we'd have definitely got something. 234 00:13:03,314 --> 00:13:04,941 - £500? - Exactly, this is it. 235 00:13:05,022 --> 00:13:08,387 - But live and learn, don't you? - This isn't living though, is it? 236 00:13:08,477 --> 00:13:11,130 Don't start that again. I've got loads of stuff for you. 237 00:13:11,217 --> 00:13:12,402 Like what? 238 00:13:12,487 --> 00:13:15,932 There's a light flickering in the gents. Could you have a tinker with that? 239 00:13:16,022 --> 00:13:17,681 Yeah, I could do that. 240 00:13:17,769 --> 00:13:21,214 Could I use your computer later? I've just got to get the new CV knocked up. 241 00:13:21,303 --> 00:13:23,280 Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out. 242 00:13:23,368 --> 00:13:26,700 - Well, see you. - All right, then. Cheers, B. 243 00:13:30,714 --> 00:13:34,396 Sorry, the reason I'm here is I want to know what your plan of action is. 244 00:13:34,487 --> 00:13:36,304 What's your strategy? What is your business plan? 245 00:13:36,393 --> 00:13:39,679 My plan is when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 246 00:13:39,768 --> 00:13:42,184 Because what I'm no good at is, you know, breaking an act. 247 00:13:42,270 --> 00:13:45,601 So when I'm successful, you can deduct 12 and a half percent, no problem. 248 00:13:45,685 --> 00:13:47,740 15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really. 249 00:13:47,829 --> 00:13:50,371 You just want someone to call up and give me an advert. 250 00:13:50,450 --> 00:13:51,997 That would be amazing, brilliant. 251 00:13:52,078 --> 00:13:54,620 Right, okay. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then. 252 00:13:54,699 --> 00:13:58,302 You joke about it. It was unplugged for two days. No one noticed. 253 00:14:03,078 --> 00:14:05,969 The man does not know where to start, okay? 254 00:14:06,493 --> 00:14:08,831 This is my CV that he's sending out to people. 255 00:14:08,915 --> 00:14:12,642 I mean, casting agents, producers. He typed it himself, okay. 256 00:14:13,124 --> 00:14:18,037 "From 1986 to 1999 Andy Millman worked at the Natwest in Wokingham. 257 00:14:19,319 --> 00:14:22,018 "Andy left this comfortable, adequately-paid job 258 00:14:22,099 --> 00:14:26,063 "to try and become an actor, despite his age, weight and looks. 259 00:14:26,149 --> 00:14:29,718 "Andy claims to be a great actor but has not yet had the chance to prove it 260 00:14:29,803 --> 00:14:33,846 "because, so far, he's had no offers except extra work which, as you know, 261 00:14:33,932 --> 00:14:36,586 "is pointless and badly paid. 262 00:14:36,672 --> 00:14:40,083 "Acting is Andy's dream. If you can make that dream come true, 263 00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:41,872 "please, please call." 264 00:14:41,954 --> 00:14:46,121 - I mean, it's like he's writing to Jim'll Fix It. - Oh, you have to fire him. 265 00:14:46,203 --> 00:14:50,370 I can't fire him, can I? I can't bear to see his stupid little face. He'd be devastated. 266 00:14:50,452 --> 00:14:53,027 - Yes, but it's your career. - I know. 267 00:14:53,112 --> 00:14:56,398 What are you going to do? I mean, you'll have to find all your own work. 268 00:14:56,488 --> 00:14:59,458 Yeah, having a dog and barking yourself springs to mind. 269 00:14:59,545 --> 00:15:03,589 Start today, start now. Go up to the director and ask him for a line. 270 00:15:03,675 --> 00:15:06,408 Ross Kemp. You've spoken to Ross Kemp, haven't you? 271 00:15:06,494 --> 00:15:08,674 - Yes. - Go up to Ross Kemp and ask him for a line. 272 00:15:08,758 --> 00:15:12,609 Just say to him, "I thought you were brilliant in EastEnders, Ultimate Force. 273 00:15:12,689 --> 00:15:14,666 I loved you in Spandau Ballet. 274 00:15:14,754 --> 00:15:16,809 - What? - Spandau Ballet. 275 00:15:16,898 --> 00:15:20,310 He wasn't in Spandau Ballet. That was Martin Kemp. 276 00:15:20,393 --> 00:15:22,572 Martin Kemp was in EastEnders and Spandau Ballet. 277 00:15:22,656 --> 00:15:24,678 - Who's this one? - Ross Kemp. 278 00:15:24,761 --> 00:15:26,940 - Are they not brothers? - No. 279 00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:31,420 Martin Kemp and Gary Kemp were the brothers. 280 00:15:31,512 --> 00:15:33,375 - Well, who's this one? - Ross Kemp. 281 00:15:33,457 --> 00:15:36,428 - Who's his brother? - I don't know if he's got a brother. 282 00:15:36,515 --> 00:15:41,157 Yes, he does. He's got that little bald one with the pink face that looks like him. 283 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:42,900 Phil Mitchell? 284 00:15:42,988 --> 00:15:46,511 His on screen brother. Phil and Grant Mitchell, but they're not really brothers. 285 00:15:46,601 --> 00:15:49,730 Yes, they are. They're the Mitchell brothers. 286 00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:54,099 What do you mean, the Mitchell brothers? You know his name is Ross Kemp. 287 00:15:56,727 --> 00:15:58,387 What bit's confusing you? 288 00:15:59,785 --> 00:16:01,332 The brothers. 289 00:16:02,009 --> 00:16:04,110 The brothers? 290 00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:05,497 What? 291 00:16:06,337 --> 00:16:09,589 Is that confusing you, too? Do you think we've landed in the future? 292 00:16:09,673 --> 00:16:11,412 Shut your face. 293 00:16:12,731 --> 00:16:15,745 MAGGIE: You see, this is why I can never go and speak to that guy 294 00:16:15,828 --> 00:16:19,679 because I'm not smart enough for him. He's an intellectual. 295 00:16:19,759 --> 00:16:22,492 How do you know he's an intellectual? You've never even spoken to him. 296 00:16:22,579 --> 00:16:25,707 - Well, he reads the big papers. - Oh, the big papers, sure. 297 00:16:25,795 --> 00:16:28,686 See, it's always the same, if a bloke is really smart, 298 00:16:28,773 --> 00:16:31,393 I just always worry that I'm not clever enough for him. 299 00:16:31,474 --> 00:16:35,324 He's going to want to talk about politics or whatever and I won't know what to say. 300 00:16:35,405 --> 00:16:39,652 One time, I went out with this bloke and we were in the pub playing the quiz machine 301 00:16:39,733 --> 00:16:44,014 and it was for a fiver and the question came up "Who discovered America?" 302 00:16:44,101 --> 00:16:46,394 And I just panicked and I said, "Colombo." 303 00:16:47,477 --> 00:16:49,656 See, you're laughing because I'm stupid. 304 00:16:49,740 --> 00:16:52,710 No, it's an easy mistake to make. They sound the same. 305 00:16:52,798 --> 00:16:54,266 That's what I thought. 306 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:56,323 - You should just go and talk to him. - You think? 307 00:16:56,411 --> 00:16:59,144 Yeah, I don't know why you're so shy. Just go and talk to him. 308 00:17:14,797 --> 00:17:16,818 The FT. 309 00:17:16,902 --> 00:17:19,160 - Hi. - Oh, hi. 310 00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:23,609 NASDAQ, you twat, what are you like? 311 00:17:23,692 --> 00:17:26,978 - You play the markets, do you? - Oh, yeah. 312 00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:29,044 How's it going? Any tips? 313 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:35,560 Buy high, buy low. Buy low, sell high. 314 00:17:38,861 --> 00:17:42,588 - What you reading? - It's Frank Kermode's book on Shakespeare. 315 00:17:42,673 --> 00:17:44,457 It's for my new PhD. 316 00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:47,905 Shakespeare, eh? Oh! Bloody genius, him. 317 00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:52,521 Midsummer Night's Dream. Bottom... 318 00:17:52,601 --> 00:17:55,413 - Oh, how is your diarrhoea? - Fine, it's good. 319 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:59,588 - I'm going to get a coffee, I think. - I've got to go and call my broker anyway. 320 00:17:59,669 --> 00:18:02,041 All right. I was going to ask if you wanted to get one. 321 00:18:02,131 --> 00:18:05,146 Definitely. He's not there anyway, he's away on holiday. 322 00:18:08,405 --> 00:18:09,624 All right. 323 00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:17,169 Hiya. 324 00:18:19,882 --> 00:18:22,659 They're making a film over there with Vinnie Jones. 325 00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:26,905 What's he doing making a film? He's a bloody footballer. 326 00:18:28,022 --> 00:18:31,512 - Look at the size of those lights. - You reckon they're big lights? 327 00:18:31,596 --> 00:18:34,295 If I wanted big lights, I could have big lights. 328 00:18:34,376 --> 00:18:37,346 I just don't want big lights. I want small lights if anything. 329 00:18:41,523 --> 00:18:44,697 I know an old colleague of yours actually, Shaun Williamson. 330 00:18:45,097 --> 00:18:47,390 - Shaun? - Barry off EastEnders. 331 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:48,982 - Oh, Barry, yeah. - Yeah. 332 00:18:49,068 --> 00:18:52,083 We've got the same agent because I'm actually a real actor. 333 00:18:52,166 --> 00:18:54,582 I'm just, well, not just an extra 334 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,875 so if there was a line going in this with just a little bit of dialogue, 335 00:18:57,963 --> 00:19:01,453 it'd be great for me because, as I said, I'm a proper actor. 336 00:19:01,537 --> 00:19:04,711 Yeah, I hope you're better than him. I mean, he's a bloody footballer. 337 00:19:04,793 --> 00:19:07,967 He's good at what he does, isn't he? The old "hard man" thing, I suppose. 338 00:19:08,050 --> 00:19:12,375 - Because he actually is in real life so... - You reckon? You think he's a tough guy? 339 00:19:12,457 --> 00:19:15,823 I'd like to see him come at me with all that "I'm a hard bastard" stuff. 340 00:19:15,912 --> 00:19:20,588 I'd say, "Put the baseball bat down, it's just you and me, skin on skin." 341 00:19:21,511 --> 00:19:24,007 Stripped to the waist, to the death. 342 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:30,044 I'm trained. He starts with me, I will destroy him. 343 00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:39,051 Okay. Well, as I say, if you could put a word in, I could just do a line. 344 00:19:39,142 --> 00:19:41,920 Yeah, I'll sort that out for you, no problem. No problem. 345 00:19:42,399 --> 00:19:43,979 Really? 346 00:19:46,211 --> 00:19:48,627 Cheers. I'll see you later. 347 00:19:55,622 --> 00:20:01,021 I tell you, if there's a hag, a washerwoman, toothless wench to be had, it'll be me. 348 00:20:01,102 --> 00:20:04,547 I'm never the one that gets to wear the taffeta dress, it's not fair. 349 00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:06,895 - They've padded you up. - That's actually me. 350 00:20:08,051 --> 00:20:12,332 I was going to ask, I hope it doesn't seem pushy, but would you like to go for a meal? 351 00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:14,554 Yeah, I'm starving. 352 00:20:14,643 --> 00:20:16,744 Oh, not right now but I thought maybe later. 353 00:20:16,827 --> 00:20:20,272 Yeah, no, absolutely, yeah. Oh, I'd love to. 354 00:20:20,361 --> 00:20:22,496 - Good. - Okay, then. 355 00:20:39,978 --> 00:20:44,066 What you doing here? Still scavenging the bins for food, are you? 356 00:20:44,148 --> 00:20:48,112 No need. Bloody waiting on a scene I've got to do with Ross Kemp. 357 00:20:48,198 --> 00:20:50,852 He asked me personally so... Good, though. 358 00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:54,505 Yeah, well done. 359 00:20:54,591 --> 00:20:58,352 - Shame it's only telly but, you know... - Not really. 360 00:20:58,443 --> 00:21:02,125 It's something. I mean, keep at it, you might make it into the films. 361 00:21:02,216 --> 00:21:05,310 Yeah, but what I wouldn't do is do a film with Vinnie Jones, 362 00:21:05,392 --> 00:21:07,052 he's a footballer but that's all right. 363 00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:10,268 You say he's a footballer but he's still been in films, hasn't he? 364 00:21:10,356 --> 00:21:12,852 You know, with John Travolta and Nicolas Cage. 365 00:21:12,937 --> 00:21:16,065 What did he get paid for that, by the way? Because I was talking to Ross... 366 00:21:16,154 --> 00:21:18,807 You know Ross got a million pounds to go to ITV? 367 00:21:18,894 --> 00:21:21,988 - Yeah. Pretend to be a hard man. - Not really. 368 00:21:22,070 --> 00:21:25,165 - Unlike Vinnie. Real life hard man. - Hmm. 369 00:21:25,247 --> 00:21:29,573 Yeah. On a serious note, Ross explained to me, 370 00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:34,218 you know, Ross was trained by the SAS and he said if Vinnie Jones 371 00:21:34,301 --> 00:21:39,056 tried his antics on with him, he'd rip him apart so you might want to warn him that. 372 00:21:39,146 --> 00:21:40,535 - He said that? - Yeah. 373 00:21:40,615 --> 00:21:43,427 I'm not stirring shit, just warning. I don't want to see him get hurt. 374 00:21:43,514 --> 00:21:45,964 I don't care about him, but I wouldn't want to see him get hurt. 375 00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:48,076 I've said my bit so... 376 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,763 - I've got to go. I'll see you later. - See you later, mate. 377 00:21:56,856 --> 00:21:58,833 You've done so much. 378 00:21:59,755 --> 00:22:02,770 Not really. I'm probably a bit older than you. 379 00:22:02,853 --> 00:22:04,953 - How old are you? - 34. 380 00:22:05,037 --> 00:22:08,481 Well, I'm actually older than you but thank you very much. 381 00:22:08,571 --> 00:22:11,383 Well, you don't look it. I thought you were in your 20s. 382 00:22:11,470 --> 00:22:13,604 You never, did you? Oh, God. 383 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:16,506 I'm not! 384 00:22:19,967 --> 00:22:22,022 - Anything you fancy? - Possibly. 385 00:22:23,263 --> 00:22:25,285 - I meant on the menu. - I know. 386 00:22:35,018 --> 00:22:37,434 - What have you been saying? - About what? 387 00:22:37,519 --> 00:22:41,122 Why am I hearing that Vinnie Jones is looking for me and he wants to batter me? 388 00:22:41,212 --> 00:22:42,838 I haven't said anything. 389 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,777 How's he know I've been slagging him off? Who have you been speaking to? 390 00:22:45,858 --> 00:22:48,671 No one. You're not scared of him, are you? 391 00:22:48,757 --> 00:22:51,931 No. Not with what I could do to him. 392 00:22:52,013 --> 00:22:54,430 - With your SAS stuff and that. - Yeah. 393 00:22:54,515 --> 00:22:56,570 I mean, do you know what that stands for? 394 00:22:56,659 --> 00:22:58,952 SAS? Special Air Service. 395 00:23:00,154 --> 00:23:01,780 What? 396 00:23:01,861 --> 00:23:04,075 Special Air Service, isn't it? 397 00:23:04,165 --> 00:23:06,784 - It doesn't stand for that. - Doesn't it? 398 00:23:07,858 --> 00:23:11,427 I've talked to actual SAS people, they've told me what it stands for. 399 00:23:11,511 --> 00:23:13,171 What does it stand for, then? 400 00:23:14,132 --> 00:23:16,548 Super Army Soldiers. 401 00:23:20,485 --> 00:23:22,664 Su... Are you sure? 402 00:23:22,749 --> 00:23:25,640 Yeah, I mean actual SAS people have told me that. 403 00:23:25,727 --> 00:23:28,584 The actual guys themselves and they should know. 404 00:23:28,666 --> 00:23:32,913 - They weren't winding you up? - They wouldn't do that to one of their own. 405 00:23:33,629 --> 00:23:37,390 No. I thought it was Special Air Services. 406 00:23:37,481 --> 00:23:41,208 Special Air Services? I mean, that sounds like FedEx or something, doesn't it? 407 00:23:41,293 --> 00:23:45,856 Registered delivery or whatever. Do you think a postman needs arms like these? 408 00:23:45,939 --> 00:23:48,830 Did I get these muscles lifting jiffy bags? 409 00:23:52,214 --> 00:23:53,716 Definitely not. 410 00:23:54,676 --> 00:23:59,713 If Vinnie Jones comes near me looking for a fight, I will unleash hell. 411 00:24:02,340 --> 00:24:03,683 Okay. 412 00:24:12,029 --> 00:24:14,570 - Well, that was fun. - Absolutely. 413 00:24:14,650 --> 00:24:17,462 - Do you want to come in for a cup of tea? - I'd love to. 414 00:24:17,548 --> 00:24:18,768 Okay. 415 00:24:20,844 --> 00:24:22,708 Right, just go through. 416 00:24:28,985 --> 00:24:31,119 You're sweet, you're hot chocolate. 417 00:24:40,421 --> 00:24:43,990 Come on, love, you're like a dead horse. Put a bit of minge around it. 418 00:24:45,345 --> 00:24:46,564 Okay. 419 00:24:50,944 --> 00:24:54,513 - I head-butted a horse once. - He must have really annoyed you. 420 00:24:54,598 --> 00:24:55,987 Kemp. 421 00:24:56,067 --> 00:24:57,806 All right, Vinnie, how's it going? 422 00:24:57,894 --> 00:25:01,982 Never mind the "All right, Vinnie, how's it going" bollocks. What you been saying? 423 00:25:02,063 --> 00:25:04,762 - What are you talking about? - What's all this I've been hearing? 424 00:25:04,843 --> 00:25:08,332 - Shit about you think you're harder than me. - Where have you heard this? 425 00:25:08,417 --> 00:25:11,906 Some extra I've been doing a scene with said he heard it over here. 426 00:25:11,991 --> 00:25:15,955 You been trying to impress the extras by telling them you're harder than me? 427 00:25:16,041 --> 00:25:17,780 I haven't said anything. 428 00:25:17,868 --> 00:25:21,233 You think you're well hard, don't you? Are you hard? 429 00:25:21,322 --> 00:25:22,463 No. 430 00:25:22,554 --> 00:25:26,800 No, you're not. And if I hear you slag me off anymore, 431 00:25:26,882 --> 00:25:29,976 I'll come over here and I'll show you what really hard is. 432 00:25:30,059 --> 00:25:33,785 - Do you know what really hard is? - Beating me up and that. 433 00:25:33,871 --> 00:25:35,847 Yeah. Do you know what really hard is? 434 00:25:35,936 --> 00:25:37,912 Beating up and that. Kick him in the bollocks. 435 00:25:38,001 --> 00:25:40,259 - No need to be specific. - All right. 436 00:25:41,416 --> 00:25:43,471 This is the final warning. 437 00:25:46,062 --> 00:25:47,530 Come on. 438 00:26:04,686 --> 00:26:06,346 - What? - Nothing. 439 00:26:10,047 --> 00:26:12,068 Why didn't you use your SAS stuff on him? 440 00:26:12,826 --> 00:26:14,644 Because I don't know any. 441 00:26:14,732 --> 00:26:17,827 What, you don't know kung fu and all the lethal moves? 442 00:26:17,909 --> 00:26:19,050 No. 443 00:26:20,768 --> 00:26:23,218 Why did you say you did? 444 00:26:23,310 --> 00:26:27,872 Why do I say I can hold my breath under water for three and a half minutes? I can't. 445 00:26:28,472 --> 00:26:30,211 I panic in water, if anything. 446 00:26:31,887 --> 00:26:34,937 I can't get you a line either, if that's why you're still here. 447 00:26:35,024 --> 00:26:38,276 - Really? - I haven't got any power around here. 448 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:40,618 I've told people I've got a line and everything. 449 00:26:40,703 --> 00:26:41,843 Sorry. 450 00:26:44,356 --> 00:26:46,061 Don't worry about it. 451 00:26:47,016 --> 00:26:49,230 Every job I do I get bullied. 452 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:50,900 Bullied? 453 00:26:50,987 --> 00:26:53,246 People calling me names and that. 454 00:26:54,879 --> 00:26:58,764 If it doesn't stop soon, I think I'm just going to finish it, end it all. 455 00:26:59,803 --> 00:27:01,824 Do what I thought I'd never do. 456 00:27:01,908 --> 00:27:03,454 Suicide? 457 00:27:03,536 --> 00:27:07,941 No, go to Family Affairs. I've had an offer. 458 00:27:08,817 --> 00:27:12,025 There's no bullying at Family Affairs, they're really nice people. 459 00:27:12,431 --> 00:27:13,616 Sure. 460 00:27:15,052 --> 00:27:17,073 All I want to do is act. 461 00:27:18,268 --> 00:27:19,849 And you're good. 462 00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:22,154 Am I? 463 00:27:23,192 --> 00:27:25,213 Yeah, of course you are. 464 00:27:26,488 --> 00:27:28,148 Put your hat on. 465 00:27:29,705 --> 00:27:33,793 Look at that, looks brilliant. Hair and everything. 466 00:27:34,351 --> 00:27:35,694 Yes. 467 00:27:35,780 --> 00:27:37,801 Look at all these. 468 00:27:38,401 --> 00:27:40,693 Your medal. Shiny, innit?