1
00:00:01,975 --> 00:00:04,409
(MALE VOICES SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

2
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074



3
00:00:21,656 --> 00:00:23,612
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

4
00:00:28,977 --> 00:00:30,808
(MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

5
00:00:45,098 --> 00:00:46,497
DIRECTOR: Cut!

6
00:00:46,578 --> 00:00:49,968
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- Okay, we'll get it on that, thank you.

7
00:00:54,258 --> 00:00:56,056
- Was I in it?
- I don't know.

8
00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:59,290
No, I wasn't in it. What is the point
in getting all tarted up like this

9
00:00:59,379 --> 00:01:02,655
- if you're not going to make it to the scene?
- You look quite dapper.

10
00:01:02,739 --> 00:01:06,049
- It's a Nazi uniform.
- I know. It's a bit natty, though, isn't it?

11
00:01:06,139 --> 00:01:08,573
- Natty?
- I bet it's more comfortable than this.

12
00:01:08,659 --> 00:01:10,810
This is riding up my clunge.

13
00:01:10,900 --> 00:01:14,575
Can you imagine hiding from the Gestapo
for weeks on end dressed like this?

14
00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:16,810
Yeah, it must have been awful.

15
00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:20,415
- It's actually very slimming that.
- Yeah? I'll wear it out Friday night.

16
00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:22,650
She's right. I can see what she means.

17
00:01:22,740 --> 00:01:24,537
Yeah? You think I look good in this?

18
00:01:24,620 --> 00:01:28,375
You should see me with a white sheet
over my head setting fire to a cross.

19
00:01:29,301 --> 00:01:31,098
- Who's that?
- Not sure.

20
00:01:31,181 --> 00:01:32,694
Seems nice.

21
00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:36,179
I've got to get out of this,
it's doing my back in.

22
00:01:38,101 --> 00:01:41,013
Okay, take care moving on now.
Thanks, chaps.

23
00:01:48,422 --> 00:01:52,131
- Do you know what worries me?
- Don't know.

24
00:01:52,222 --> 00:01:54,452
Where do baby ants go to school? Go on.

25
00:01:54,542 --> 00:01:58,377
No, all these people going about
pretending to be nuns.

26
00:01:58,463 --> 00:02:00,977
- What do you mean?
- Do you think that's right?

27
00:02:01,063 --> 00:02:02,655
- It's a film.
- I know.

28
00:02:02,743 --> 00:02:05,735
But they're all wandering around
as holy ladies.

29
00:02:05,823 --> 00:02:08,462
Wouldn't that offend God or someone?

30
00:02:08,543 --> 00:02:11,103
- Offend God or someone?
- Does it not worry you a bit?

31
00:02:11,183 --> 00:02:13,778
No. What, offending God? I'm an atheist.

32
00:02:13,864 --> 00:02:16,776
What one's that? Is that the one
where you haven't decided what...

33
00:02:16,864 --> 00:02:19,822
No, that's agnostic. I'm an atheist.
I firmly believe there is no God.

34
00:02:19,904 --> 00:02:22,896
- Why?
- Wh... The burden of proof is not on me.

35
00:02:22,984 --> 00:02:25,293
The burden of proof is on the people
who say there is a God.

36
00:02:25,384 --> 00:02:27,615
I don't believe in God, I believe in science.

37
00:02:27,705 --> 00:02:31,414
Do you not believe in anything
like ghosts or spirits or anything?

38
00:02:31,505 --> 00:02:36,625
No, I don't believe in ghosts or spirits
or elves. Certainly not God, no.

39
00:02:36,705 --> 00:02:39,617
So what do you think happens
when you die?

40
00:02:39,705 --> 00:02:43,415
Well, if you're buried,
you go in the ground and you're worm food.

41
00:02:43,506 --> 00:02:45,383
See, I don't like that.

42
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:51,063
I would rather believe that there is a God
and your soul just floats away on to eternity.

43
00:02:51,186 --> 00:02:54,781
All your friends from school will be there,
all the ones you haven't seen for ages,

44
00:02:54,866 --> 00:02:57,539
and all your dead pets
and just, like, all nice people.

45
00:02:57,626 --> 00:02:59,777
You don't have to worry about worms.

46
00:03:01,347 --> 00:03:03,258
You believe in God, then.

47
00:03:04,347 --> 00:03:06,656
I think I need to go for a wee.

48
00:03:06,747 --> 00:03:08,578
Oh, that's the third one already.

49
00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:11,386
Good. Well, keep me posted
throughout the week.

50
00:03:11,467 --> 00:03:13,106
Maybe keep a journal.

51
00:03:35,069 --> 00:03:36,627
Oh, God!

52
00:03:36,709 --> 00:03:38,859
- What have you done?
- What?

53
00:03:38,949 --> 00:03:40,780
What's happened? Are you all right?

54
00:03:40,869 --> 00:03:45,500
No, I've got cerebral palsy. Don't worry.

55
00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:47,023
Oh, good.

56
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:52,422
- I thought you'd had a fall or something.
- No, I'm cool. Really.

57
00:03:52,510 --> 00:03:54,262
Oh, hello, then. I'm Maggie.

58
00:03:54,350 --> 00:03:57,103
I'm Suzanne again and this is my sister Fran.

59
00:03:57,190 --> 00:03:58,988
- Hello.
- Good to meet you.

60
00:04:00,111 --> 00:04:03,342
- Are you in this as well?
- Oh, she's just here to watch.

61
00:04:03,431 --> 00:04:08,027
- I was going to say...
- Oh, I have a bit of spare time, you know,

62
00:04:08,111 --> 00:04:11,865
because my tap dancing class
was cancelled so...

63
00:04:12,591 --> 00:04:14,310
Right.

64
00:04:14,392 --> 00:04:16,587
Joke, tap dancing, me.

65
00:04:16,672 --> 00:04:18,902
Right. Yeah, yeah.

66
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,867
- I've got a question about your props.
- Go on.

67
00:04:24,952 --> 00:04:28,183
- Where's all this stuff come from?
- You just buy it.

68
00:04:29,593 --> 00:04:32,585
What, there's a shop for
a 30 foot swastika is there?

69
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:35,267
No, I got that from home. It's my Nan's.

70
00:04:36,153 --> 00:04:37,506
Here she is.

71
00:04:37,593 --> 00:04:38,787
- All right?
- Yeah.

72
00:04:40,193 --> 00:04:42,024
Hey, do you want to have lunch
with us later?

73
00:04:42,113 --> 00:04:45,231
I can't. I've got to go
and see my fool of an agent.

74
00:04:45,314 --> 00:04:48,545
- Still going well, is it?
- I went in the other day, right,

75
00:04:48,634 --> 00:04:52,422
and he said to me, "Andy," he said,
"if I don't get a decent client soon,

76
00:04:52,514 --> 00:04:55,824
"I'm going to have to go full time
at The Carphone Warehouse."

77
00:04:55,914 --> 00:04:57,267
Unbelievable.

78
00:04:57,354 --> 00:04:59,709
- Here, got to go.
- See you later.

79
00:04:59,794 --> 00:05:02,434
- Go and move some props around.
- Will do.

80
00:05:04,435 --> 00:05:06,551
- Going well, is it?
- Yeah, it's good.

81
00:05:06,635 --> 00:05:09,149
That's longer than a day you've been
going out with this one.

82
00:05:09,235 --> 00:05:11,624
- Three weeks.
- That has got to be a record for you.

83
00:05:11,715 --> 00:05:14,468
- Cheekiness.
- No, well done. Good bloke.

84
00:05:14,555 --> 00:05:16,945
- Well, I'm glad you like him.
- Yeah, good.

85
00:05:18,076 --> 00:05:19,953
- What?
- Nothing.

86
00:05:20,036 --> 00:05:21,515
- Married?
- No.

87
00:05:21,596 --> 00:05:23,348
- Gay?
- No!

88
00:05:24,556 --> 00:05:26,353
It is something, though.

89
00:05:27,676 --> 00:05:30,190
He likes to talk dirty on the phone.

90
00:05:30,877 --> 00:05:34,267
He'll call me up
and he's coming out with all this filth.

91
00:05:35,037 --> 00:05:37,426
Why would you tell me that?

92
00:05:39,557 --> 00:05:41,787
What does he say? What does he say?

93
00:05:42,357 --> 00:05:45,030
He calls up and says things like...

94
00:05:45,117 --> 00:05:47,951
"Ooh, what are you doing?"

95
00:05:48,038 --> 00:05:49,517
What do you say?

96
00:05:49,598 --> 00:05:53,352
I didn't know what was going on at first,
didn't realise, and I was just honest with him

97
00:05:53,438 --> 00:05:57,431
and I said, "I'm just cleaning out
the vegetable drawer of the fridge."

98
00:05:57,518 --> 00:05:59,509
Well, he probably thought
that was a euphemism.

99
00:05:59,598 --> 00:06:03,592
"Oh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer."
"Oh, I am scrubbing my front step."

100
00:06:03,679 --> 00:06:05,510
- Have you talked dirty back to him?
- No.

101
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:06,952
- Have you?
- No, I have not.

102
00:06:07,039 --> 00:06:09,314
I don't know what to say to him.
It's too embarrassing.

103
00:06:09,399 --> 00:06:13,108
- Yeah.
- What if I say something and he laughs at me

104
00:06:13,199 --> 00:06:16,749
or something and it's too much
and he gets all offended?

105
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:21,038
Well, no, it's just all stuff like,
"Oh, I'm playing with myself."

106
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,156
Oh, that sounds interesting.

107
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,869
- Hi. Not me, her.
- Go on.

108
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:32,355
Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone
and she doesn't know what to say to him.

109
00:06:32,441 --> 00:06:34,796
Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward.

110
00:06:34,881 --> 00:06:38,476
Why don't you just start off
with something light, you know, like...

111
00:06:39,201 --> 00:06:42,318
"I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka
between my Oompa Loompas."

112
00:06:42,401 --> 00:06:45,677
You know, something a bit jokey
and then you can get more hardcore.

113
00:06:45,761 --> 00:06:49,960
Rattle off the old classics like,
"I'm playing with my dirty pillows."

114
00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:54,399
"I'm aching for your big purple-headed
womb ferret." And then go straight in hard,

115
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:58,555
"Get round here because I'm fudding
myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it."

116
00:06:58,642 --> 00:07:00,280
- All right?
- Yeah.

117
00:07:00,362 --> 00:07:01,477
Yeah.

118
00:07:02,083 --> 00:07:05,075
Anyway, better get on. Good luck.

119
00:07:06,203 --> 00:07:07,795
Love to Sam Mendes.

120
00:07:09,443 --> 00:07:12,435
Kate Winslet just talking dirty to...

121
00:07:13,243 --> 00:07:15,882
Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels.

122
00:07:15,963 --> 00:07:18,000
Just... another normal day.

123
00:07:29,724 --> 00:07:31,999
- Guten Tag, Fräulein.
- Oh, hi.

124
00:07:32,084 --> 00:07:34,394
(WITH GERMAN ACCENT)
What is this "Oh, hi"?

125
00:07:34,485 --> 00:07:36,282
Sorry, is that meant to be German?

126
00:07:36,365 --> 00:07:39,675
You are resisting the great German
sense of humour. You are English, ya?

127
00:07:39,765 --> 00:07:43,758
Then I have something for you
that will make you roll in the aisles.

128
00:07:44,245 --> 00:07:48,603
This is funny to you, yeah,
because it looks like a thingy. Yeah.

129
00:07:48,686 --> 00:07:52,645
Actually, this will make you laugh.
Jesus, look, pissed up nutter over there.

130
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,797
She's had a few.

131
00:07:54,886 --> 00:07:56,683
Actually, is she pissed or mental?

132
00:07:57,926 --> 00:07:59,518
Oh, here she comes.

133
00:07:59,606 --> 00:08:01,437
- That's my sister.
- Huh?

134
00:08:01,526 --> 00:08:03,324
She's got cerebral palsy.

135
00:08:04,247 --> 00:08:07,398
No... not... her.

136
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:11,878
Another nutter that was...
Not another nutter, she's not...

137
00:08:11,967 --> 00:08:15,926
She's gone now, the one I meant.
Shot on and just shot off again.

138
00:08:17,367 --> 00:08:18,687
- Hi.
- Hi.

139
00:08:20,528 --> 00:08:22,120
- This is my sister.
- Hiya.

140
00:08:22,208 --> 00:08:23,641
- Francesca.
- You all right?

141
00:08:23,728 --> 00:08:25,605
Hiya, you all right?

142
00:08:25,688 --> 00:08:27,758
What do you do in this, then?

143
00:08:28,608 --> 00:08:29,927
What Judith...?

144
00:08:30,008 --> 00:08:33,683
- No, she said what do you do in this?
- Oh, a background artist.

145
00:08:33,769 --> 00:08:36,647
Oh, right. And what does that entail?

146
00:08:37,929 --> 00:08:39,442
What does that entail?

147
00:08:39,529 --> 00:08:42,919
Yeah, just standing around, really.
Although it's not what I do.

148
00:08:43,009 --> 00:08:46,126
I'm a real actor,
this is just sort of like pocket money.

149
00:08:46,209 --> 00:08:48,882
Yeah, well I bet they all say that, don't they?

150
00:08:55,450 --> 00:09:00,843
All right, mate. Come and check this out.
I just typed in 58,008 into a calculator...

151
00:09:01,530 --> 00:09:05,683
and lo and behold, amazingly,
it comes up "boobs".

152
00:09:06,651 --> 00:09:09,324
You see that? That's worth knowing, isn't it?

153
00:09:11,691 --> 00:09:12,919
Good.

154
00:09:14,331 --> 00:09:16,526
What can I do... Oh, sorry.

155
00:09:16,611 --> 00:09:18,283
Better get that. Hang on.

156
00:09:18,371 --> 00:09:20,932
(PHONE RINGING)

157
00:09:26,812 --> 00:09:28,040
Just...

158
00:09:41,733 --> 00:09:43,166
Hello? It's gone.

159
00:09:43,253 --> 00:09:45,562
That's... annoying.

160
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,326
It's weird that,
it always happens with that one.

161
00:09:49,253 --> 00:09:51,768
- Turn it off.
- Okay, I'll put it on vibrate.

162
00:09:52,974 --> 00:09:54,692
How do you do that?

163
00:09:57,054 --> 00:09:59,443
Erm... what can I do for you?

164
00:10:01,054 --> 00:10:03,045
You called me in for a meeting.

165
00:10:03,134 --> 00:10:04,886
Did I? What was that about?

166
00:10:04,974 --> 00:10:07,205
I don't know, you said you wanted to see me.

167
00:10:07,295 --> 00:10:09,650
All right. I'll just check on here.

168
00:10:19,455 --> 00:10:21,572
- What's the gist of it?
- It'll be on here.

169
00:10:21,656 --> 00:10:25,854
I've got everything organised on there
so it's all...

170
00:10:26,976 --> 00:10:28,807
I'm looking at the wrong date.

171
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:31,205
- Erm... it's the third today, isn't it?
- Fourth.

172
00:10:31,296 --> 00:10:33,048
Fourth. Yeah, I was looking
at the wrong date.

173
00:10:33,136 --> 00:10:34,967
Tuesday 3rd, blank.

174
00:10:35,977 --> 00:10:39,014
What does it say here?
It just says, today, "catch-up meeting".

175
00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,611
Just to catch up, really, with you
and find out what's been happening

176
00:10:41,697 --> 00:10:45,167
- tell you about what's coming in and...
- Okay, what's coming in?

177
00:10:53,938 --> 00:10:55,849
Nothing's come in according to that.

178
00:10:55,938 --> 00:10:57,291
- Nothing's come in?
- No.

179
00:10:57,378 --> 00:10:59,846
Okay, good. Well, that was well worth it.

180
00:10:59,938 --> 00:11:03,010
Apart from sitting there waiting for
the phone to ring, what have you done?

181
00:11:03,098 --> 00:11:05,612
Have you called anyone?
Have you sent the script out?

182
00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:07,132
What script? Sorry?

183
00:11:07,219 --> 00:11:09,528
Oh, man, the script I gave you
two months ago.

184
00:11:09,619 --> 00:11:10,734
That sounds good.

185
00:11:10,819 --> 00:11:13,128
- The sitcom.
- Yeah? Funny?

186
00:11:13,219 --> 00:11:15,050
You haven't read it?

187
00:11:15,139 --> 00:11:17,972
What's it called?
Because I can get on to that.

188
00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:23,138
- When the Whistle Blows.
- I'll just write down "When the 'W' Blows."

189
00:11:23,220 --> 00:11:26,018
Don't put "W", you'll forget what the "W"
stands for. Write it out.

190
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:28,011
- No, When the Wind Blows.
- Whistle.

191
00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:31,012
I'll put that in. "W" equals wind.

192
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:33,295
- Whistle!
- Whistle. It's there.

193
00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:35,211
- It's in.
- That's safe then, is it?

194
00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:37,690
That's done. I can forget about that.
That's on its way, yeah?

195
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,499
I've got my best man on it?

196
00:11:39,581 --> 00:11:41,697
- Yeah.
- Safe hands, safe hands.

197
00:11:42,341 --> 00:11:45,299
- Do you want to put another meeting in?
- Any point?

198
00:11:45,381 --> 00:11:49,374
May as well. And then when nothing
comes in, just phone you up and cancel it.

199
00:11:50,781 --> 00:11:52,100
That's a plan.

200
00:11:52,181 --> 00:11:54,537
I don't think of him as an agent now.

201
00:11:54,622 --> 00:11:57,420
I think of him as a bloke
who had some cards printed up

202
00:11:57,502 --> 00:11:59,936
in a vending machine in the garage
with the word "agent" on them.

203
00:12:00,022 --> 00:12:01,933
That, to me, is his qualifications.

204
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:05,651
He sent me up for the lead role in Billy Elliot.

205
00:12:06,742 --> 00:12:10,702
Yeah, right, the man in charge of my career.
I'm glad you're finding this funny.

206
00:12:10,783 --> 00:12:12,501
She's laughing at my life.

207
00:12:13,823 --> 00:12:14,892
Aw.

208
00:12:14,983 --> 00:12:17,213
It must be lovely to see her laughing.

209
00:12:18,663 --> 00:12:21,302
She laughs all the time. She lives to laugh.

210
00:12:21,383 --> 00:12:24,137
Well, you have to be able to laugh,
don't you?

211
00:12:24,224 --> 00:12:26,374
Keeps you sane.

212
00:12:26,464 --> 00:12:28,102
I thought she was sane?

213
00:12:28,264 --> 00:12:30,573
No, I mean, it keeps anybody sane.

214
00:12:30,664 --> 00:12:33,303
Oh, right, yes. People laughing and...

215
00:12:33,384 --> 00:12:37,696
You know, don't you reckon if you can
laugh, you can cope with, like, anything?

216
00:12:38,265 --> 00:12:42,053
It's a God-given gift, isn't it?
Laughing in the face of adversity.

217
00:12:43,185 --> 00:12:46,382
- You're quite religious, are you?
- Yeah, we both are.

218
00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:50,378
We both really believe, right,
that God gives us a struggle

219
00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:52,774
and that's the point of life, isn't it?

220
00:12:52,865 --> 00:12:56,700
You know, to overcome
the difficulties thrown at you

221
00:12:56,786 --> 00:13:01,541
and the greatest thing is you know
that in heaven, everything will be all right.

222
00:13:01,626 --> 00:13:04,504
Maggie, do you believe in God or...?

223
00:13:04,586 --> 00:13:07,225
- Yes, I do, I think, yes.
- Oh, great.

224
00:13:07,706 --> 00:13:10,744
And what about you, Andy?
Do you believe in God?

225
00:13:10,827 --> 00:13:14,456
Like, do you believe
everything will be okay in heaven?

226
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:20,946
Yeah.

227
00:13:21,027 --> 00:13:22,858
- What faith are you?
- What...?

228
00:13:22,947 --> 00:13:26,020
- What faith are you?
- Catholic.

229
00:13:26,108 --> 00:13:29,418
- Oh, really? So are we.
- Oh, excellent.

230
00:13:29,668 --> 00:13:32,387
Lot of us about and I am definitely one of us.

231
00:13:33,348 --> 00:13:35,384
Catholicism, the "C" word.

232
00:13:35,468 --> 00:13:38,141
Not the "C" word, a "C" word.

233
00:13:38,988 --> 00:13:42,538
Heaven, yeah, amazing.
It's going to be brilliant up there.

234
00:13:42,629 --> 00:13:45,587
You're going to have an amazing time,
you'll love it.

235
00:13:46,389 --> 00:13:48,345
Be like lbiza or something.

236
00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:51,983
Please, Lord...

237
00:13:53,229 --> 00:13:56,142
let us know that you have seen
what we have seen.

238
00:13:57,870 --> 00:13:59,303
Please, Lord.

239
00:14:00,910 --> 00:14:03,470
You have to let us know
that we are not alone.

240
00:14:24,271 --> 00:14:26,149
Thank you, Lord.

241
00:14:27,872 --> 00:14:29,191
DIRECTOR: Cut!

242
00:14:29,272 --> 00:14:31,342
Christ, that is bloody hot.

243
00:14:31,512 --> 00:14:33,548
Oh, fuck, my fucking knees.

244
00:14:33,632 --> 00:14:35,827
- Can we go again on that?
- Not now.

245
00:14:35,912 --> 00:14:38,665
- Does it have to be that hot?
- It's okay now.

246
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:42,792
I'm sweating like a bastard.
No wonder they lose their rag sometimes.

247
00:14:43,273 --> 00:14:45,833
Oh, hiya. How did it go
with your dirty phone call?

248
00:14:45,913 --> 00:14:48,143
Oh, I haven't done it yet. I'm working up to it.

249
00:14:48,233 --> 00:14:50,224
Well, here is another one that's always good.

250
00:14:50,313 --> 00:14:53,111
Just do all the preliminary stuff
and then you go, "Hang on,

251
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:57,073
"why is the slut from next door just coming
into my bedroom and is taking her bra off?"

252
00:14:57,154 --> 00:14:59,952
Then you just pretend
you're getting it on with her.

253
00:15:00,034 --> 00:15:02,753
- I couldn't do that.
- Course you can, you're an actress.

254
00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:05,871
No, I'm not. I'm just an extra.
You're the actress.

255
00:15:05,954 --> 00:15:08,673
- A brilliant actress, by the way.
- Yeah, she is.

256
00:15:08,754 --> 00:15:13,192
I'm an actor as well as... If there's a line
going in this film, I'd love to be part of this.

257
00:15:13,275 --> 00:15:16,950
I'd just like to say, I think, you know,
you doing this is so commendable.

258
00:15:17,035 --> 00:15:20,994
Using your profile to keep
the message alive about the Holocaust.

259
00:15:21,715 --> 00:15:23,546
My God, I'm not doing it for that.

260
00:15:23,635 --> 00:15:26,594
I don't think we really need
another film about the Holocaust, do we?

261
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:30,191
It's, like, how many have there been?
You know, we get it, it was grim, move on.

262
00:15:30,276 --> 00:15:33,791
No, I'm doing it because I've noticed
that if you do a film about the Holocaust,

263
00:15:33,876 --> 00:15:35,628
guaranteed an Oscar.

264
00:15:35,716 --> 00:15:38,674
I've been nominated four times, never won.

265
00:15:38,756 --> 00:15:42,272
And the whole world is going,
"Why hasn't Winslet won one?"

266
00:15:43,837 --> 00:15:44,952
Definitely, yeah.

267
00:15:45,997 --> 00:15:48,465
That's, er, that's why I'm doing it.

268
00:15:48,557 --> 00:15:50,627
Schindler's bloody List.

269
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:52,355
The Pianist.

270
00:15:52,437 --> 00:15:54,792
Oscars coming out of their arse.

271
00:15:55,837 --> 00:15:57,430
Well, good luck, then.

272
00:15:57,518 --> 00:15:59,429
- It's a good plan.
- Thank you.

273
00:15:59,518 --> 00:16:02,112
- Good luck with your phone call.
- Okay.

274
00:16:02,198 --> 00:16:03,790
- See you later.
- Bye.

275
00:16:03,878 --> 00:16:06,438
- Can we go again?
- Yeah, let's do it.

276
00:16:09,238 --> 00:16:10,956
DIRECTOR: And action.

277
00:16:12,759 --> 00:16:14,431
(BOOTS SQUEAKING)

278
00:16:18,639 --> 00:16:19,913
Sorry.

279
00:16:19,999 --> 00:16:21,591
DIRECTOR: Cut there, thank you.

280
00:16:21,679 --> 00:16:23,590
All right, reset, please.

281
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,392
- Are you married or single?
- Why?

282
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:36,156
- I think my sister might like you a bit.
- Really?

283
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,117
She's only human.

284
00:16:54,521 --> 00:16:57,354
...square head, I must say.

285
00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:59,121
Anyway, I meant to ask you actually,

286
00:16:59,202 --> 00:17:01,397
a couple of friends of mine are having
a get together tonight.

287
00:17:01,482 --> 00:17:03,393
Wondered if you were free,
would you like to come along?

288
00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:05,040
- Yeah, yeah.
- Great.

289
00:17:05,122 --> 00:17:07,238
Definitely. Ya!

290
00:17:10,122 --> 00:17:13,240
Oh, my God,
I've got Jeremy Clarkson's clothes.

291
00:17:13,643 --> 00:17:17,556
- I can't... It's awful.
- Well, what sort of a party is it?

292
00:17:17,643 --> 00:17:20,237
Well, she said a get together
with some friends, probably casual,

293
00:17:20,323 --> 00:17:22,553
but I want to look good, don't I?

294
00:17:23,563 --> 00:17:24,552
Ooh!

295
00:17:25,683 --> 00:17:28,151
I know. You said
she was quite a classy, stylish...

296
00:17:28,243 --> 00:17:29,802
- Yeah.
...type of lady.

297
00:17:29,884 --> 00:17:31,237
This. Look.

298
00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:37,119
Lead us, heavenly Father, lead us,
over the world's tempestuous sea.

299
00:17:37,964 --> 00:17:41,877
Guard us, guide us, keep us, feed us

300
00:17:41,964 --> 00:17:44,115
for we have no help but Thee.

301
00:17:44,845 --> 00:17:48,474
Yet possessing every blessing
if our God our father...

302
00:17:48,565 --> 00:17:50,556
- Lovely suit.
- Thanks.

303
00:17:50,645 --> 00:17:52,681
I like to look good for a prayer meeting.

304
00:17:52,765 --> 00:17:55,996
...our God descending,
fill our hearts with heavenly joy.

305
00:17:56,085 --> 00:17:57,803
Love with every passion...

306
00:17:57,885 --> 00:17:59,638
How long is this going to take,
out of interest?

307
00:17:59,726 --> 00:18:02,160
- An hour and a half.
- Hour and a half!

308
00:18:03,886 --> 00:18:05,478
Time for a drink afterwards?

309
00:18:05,566 --> 00:18:07,079
- Yes.
- Yes?

310
00:18:07,166 --> 00:18:09,680
...nothing can our peace destroy.

311
00:18:10,686 --> 00:18:13,996
Isn't that lovely?
Thank you, Lisa, it was lovely.

312
00:18:18,687 --> 00:18:20,678
Hi, it's me.

313
00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:23,683
Yeah, no, I'm good. You?

314
00:18:24,287 --> 00:18:27,996
Good. Yeah, I'm ready.

315
00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:29,637
Okay.

316
00:18:31,888 --> 00:18:34,277
I'm not wearing anything.

317
00:18:34,368 --> 00:18:37,121
No, you're not wearing anything?

318
00:18:37,208 --> 00:18:40,280
Hey, both of us are not wearing anything.

319
00:18:40,368 --> 00:18:42,120
What am I doing? Yeah.

320
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:43,561
Er...

321
00:18:43,648 --> 00:18:47,278
First off, I'm fudding myself stupid

322
00:18:47,369 --> 00:18:49,803
and I'm bloody loving it.

323
00:18:51,729 --> 00:18:52,957
Fudding.

324
00:18:53,809 --> 00:18:57,006
I think she wanted me to wear my uniform.
You told her how good I looked in my...?

325
00:18:57,089 --> 00:18:58,238
Really nice.

326
00:18:58,329 --> 00:19:00,605
Yeah, she really liked it.
Do you know what uniform it is?

327
00:19:00,690 --> 00:19:02,806
German. I know, yeah.

328
00:19:02,890 --> 00:19:05,927
With what they did,
you should be ashamed of yourself.

329
00:19:06,010 --> 00:19:08,478
I don't think you two
have been formally introduced.

330
00:19:08,570 --> 00:19:10,845
- This is Andy, Father.
- How are you, son?

331
00:19:10,930 --> 00:19:13,080
You don't have to do that. I'm not the Pope.

332
00:19:13,170 --> 00:19:17,403
No, old habits die hard. My old priest
used to make me kiss him on the ring.

333
00:19:17,491 --> 00:19:20,722
On his finger.
There was none of that going on.

334
00:19:20,851 --> 00:19:25,367
That makes me sick as well, people saying
priests are paedophiles and kiddie fiddlers.

335
00:19:25,531 --> 00:19:29,444
There's probably, I mean, there probably are.
I mean, you probably know some,

336
00:19:29,531 --> 00:19:33,161
but it's no higher percentage of perverts in...

337
00:19:33,252 --> 00:19:37,006
But they, you know...
They're in all walks of life, aren't they?

338
00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:41,768
You know, there are nonces everywhere
but let's not exaggerate it is what I'm saying.

339
00:19:41,852 --> 00:19:45,765
I've never been touched by a priest.
I've been touched by God. Not in that way.

340
00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:49,402
In the heart but, you know... or...

341
00:19:50,733 --> 00:19:52,564
Er...

342
00:19:52,653 --> 00:19:55,213
Oh, condoms. It's just...

343
00:19:55,573 --> 00:19:58,292
Do we need them? I don't think so.

344
00:19:58,373 --> 00:20:01,730
Let the free seed of love gush forth.

345
00:20:11,214 --> 00:20:13,603
Who was your confirmation saint?

346
00:20:14,654 --> 00:20:15,973
Mine?

347
00:20:17,815 --> 00:20:20,693
- Saint Bernard.
- Saint Bernard?

348
00:20:21,495 --> 00:20:23,770
Who was your priest growing up?

349
00:20:26,735 --> 00:20:27,850
Father.

350
00:20:29,215 --> 00:20:31,650
Flaa-heer-ty.

351
00:20:32,456 --> 00:20:36,085
Flah... Father Michael Flatley.

352
00:20:36,176 --> 00:20:38,087
- Michael Flatley?
- O'Flatley.

353
00:20:38,176 --> 00:20:39,814
Irish fellow.

354
00:20:42,656 --> 00:20:48,095
- And where was his parish?
- Just the parish of where I grew up my town,

355
00:20:48,177 --> 00:20:50,566
the holy parish of Wokingham.

356
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:54,167
I've done a lot of work in the London
and Thames area...

357
00:20:54,257 --> 00:20:55,451
Oh, yeah?

358
00:20:55,537 --> 00:20:58,734
...and I've never heard of
a Father Michael O'Flatley.

359
00:20:58,817 --> 00:21:00,569
No, he died.

360
00:21:01,857 --> 00:21:03,576
Dead. Untraceable.

361
00:21:04,378 --> 00:21:06,846
He won't be replaced. Not by me anyway.

362
00:21:06,938 --> 00:21:08,815
He was a great man.

363
00:21:10,858 --> 00:21:13,167
- Can I ask you a personal question?
- Go for it.

364
00:21:13,258 --> 00:21:18,094
And it may seem blunt, but honesty
is a cornerstone of the Catholic faith.

365
00:21:18,179 --> 00:21:19,612
Amen to that.

366
00:21:20,819 --> 00:21:23,856
- Are you a Catholic?
- Am I a...?

367
00:21:23,939 --> 00:21:27,329
- Are you a Catholic?
- Am I a Catholic?

368
00:21:30,419 --> 00:21:34,971
Well, if you're asking to see
some official documentation,

369
00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:36,652
you're going to be gutted.

370
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:40,050
Have you been confirmed?
Have you ever taken Communion?

371
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:43,252
No, actually.

372
00:21:44,940 --> 00:21:47,170
- Did Father Flatley exist?
- O'Flatley.

373
00:21:47,260 --> 00:21:49,138
Did he ever exist?

374
00:21:49,901 --> 00:21:50,970
No.

375
00:21:55,741 --> 00:21:58,175
Why have you been pretending
to be a Catholic?

376
00:21:58,261 --> 00:22:00,092
Because it does no harm.

377
00:22:01,301 --> 00:22:02,700
Does it?

378
00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:07,292
- We've all had a laugh.
- Was it just to get close to me?

379
00:22:08,342 --> 00:22:11,459
Well, I do fancy you if that's...

380
00:22:12,342 --> 00:22:14,060
Even you must think...

381
00:22:16,422 --> 00:22:20,098
And I thought you might not get off
with someone who wasn't Catholic.

382
00:22:20,623 --> 00:22:25,060
Sorry, I wouldn't get off with you anyway.
I don't believe in sex before marriage.

383
00:22:27,663 --> 00:22:29,255
Really?

384
00:22:30,943 --> 00:22:32,774
In this day and age.

385
00:22:33,783 --> 00:22:35,581
Bit annoying, to be honest.

386
00:22:36,584 --> 00:22:39,735
I can't believe you lied to me
just to try and sleep with me.

387
00:22:39,824 --> 00:22:44,022
I'd already lied
before I tried it on with you so...

388
00:22:44,104 --> 00:22:45,981
Well, what was the first lie?

389
00:22:46,784 --> 00:22:48,137
The f...

390
00:22:50,425 --> 00:22:51,858
I didn't want to upset her.

391
00:22:51,945 --> 00:22:54,095
Sorry, what do you mean?

392
00:22:56,105 --> 00:22:59,097
- Sorry, what the what?
- What do you mean?

393
00:22:59,185 --> 00:23:01,062
Oh. Oh, well.

394
00:23:03,625 --> 00:23:06,015
She was saying the only thing
that keeps her going

395
00:23:06,106 --> 00:23:10,577
is the thought that one day she'll be
in heaven and everything will be all right.

396
00:23:10,666 --> 00:23:13,863
And I didn't want to go,
"No, you're barking up the wrong tree, love.

397
00:23:13,946 --> 00:23:15,459
"There's no God, there's no heaven.

398
00:23:15,546 --> 00:23:18,344
"You're not going to be up there
talking normally and running around...

399
00:23:18,426 --> 00:23:21,305
"Legs and playing volleyball
and everything."

400
00:23:21,387 --> 00:23:23,298
So, I didn't... I said...

401
00:23:26,267 --> 00:23:28,542
It's like a white lie, isn't it?

402
00:23:49,308 --> 00:23:52,221
Look, if it makes you feel uncomfortable,
then you shouldn't do it.

403
00:23:52,309 --> 00:23:56,427
- But I want to make you happy.
- I'm happy if you're happy.

404
00:23:56,509 --> 00:23:59,740
It's just a silly little thing, isn't it?
I mean, it's a bit of fun.

405
00:23:59,829 --> 00:24:02,059
If you're not into it, so be it. That's cool.

406
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:04,185
- Really?
- I'm going out with you because of you.

407
00:24:04,269 --> 00:24:06,067
My God, really?

408
00:24:06,750 --> 00:24:08,103
- Do you know what?
- What?

409
00:24:08,190 --> 00:24:09,339
You're cool.

410
00:24:10,430 --> 00:24:11,749
I like to think so.

411
00:24:11,830 --> 00:24:13,183
- Am I interrupting?
- Yes.

412
00:24:13,270 --> 00:24:14,623
- Good.
- All right.

413
00:24:14,710 --> 00:24:16,143
- How are you?
- Good.

414
00:24:16,230 --> 00:24:18,460
- Oh, how was the date?
- The date?

415
00:24:18,550 --> 00:24:23,864
Erm... oh, good.
Let me just go over some highlights for you.

416
00:24:23,951 --> 00:24:26,511
Lied to a priest
in front of a room full of Christians.

417
00:24:26,591 --> 00:24:29,344
Some of them elderly,
some of them just weird and bewildered.

418
00:24:29,431 --> 00:24:31,581
So insulted them and their belief system.

419
00:24:31,671 --> 00:24:33,866
Made a woman hate me
for the rest of her life.

420
00:24:33,951 --> 00:24:37,388
Yeah? Didn't believe in God before.
Definitely going to hell.

421
00:24:37,472 --> 00:24:38,871
I liked her as well.

422
00:24:38,952 --> 00:24:42,945
Oh, here, listen, but don't worry.
I know someone who'd be perfect for you.

423
00:24:43,032 --> 00:24:47,389
She's desperate and she has trouble hanging
on to men 'cause she's clinically depressed.

424
00:24:47,472 --> 00:24:50,145
- Have you got her number?
- I do. I think it's in my phone.

425
00:24:50,232 --> 00:24:53,066
I'm being sarcastic because
I don't want to go out with a psychopath.

426
00:24:53,153 --> 00:24:55,621
- She's quite nice underneath.
- Oh, she just cuts you

427
00:24:55,713 --> 00:24:57,465
if she forgets to take her lithium.

428
00:24:57,553 --> 00:24:59,623
Hi. How did it go? With the phone?

429
00:24:59,713 --> 00:25:02,591
Oh, oh, this is my boyfriend Mike.

430
00:25:02,673 --> 00:25:06,461
This is Mike, I don't think you've met before.
Mike, this is the actress Kate Winslet.

431
00:25:06,553 --> 00:25:08,545
- Hi, Mike.
- Hiya, great to meet you.

432
00:25:08,634 --> 00:25:10,352
- How you doing?
- Do you want a tea?

433
00:25:10,434 --> 00:25:12,186
No, it's fine.

434
00:25:18,194 --> 00:25:21,391
So, it's the weekend,
you all got any big plans?

435
00:25:21,474 --> 00:25:24,672
I tell you what we're going to do,
we're going to have a big spring clean.

436
00:25:24,755 --> 00:25:27,633
Yeah, my husband's going to be
rummaging around in my basement

437
00:25:27,715 --> 00:25:29,831
while I polish his Oscar.

438
00:25:31,595 --> 00:25:34,826
I see what you mean.
No, I'm going to be in the garage probably.

439
00:25:34,915 --> 00:25:39,831
Just cleaning the car. Giving the old girl's
headlamps a good soaping up.

440
00:25:39,916 --> 00:25:42,111
Giving them a good seeing to.

441
00:25:42,196 --> 00:25:46,394
Can I just say, I mean, you probably get this
all the time, but can I just say I'm a big fan.

442
00:25:46,476 --> 00:25:49,786
- I've seen Titanic, like, five times as well.
- Oh, that's sweet.

443
00:25:49,876 --> 00:25:52,675
- Have you seen Titanic?
- Yeah, great, brilliant.

444
00:25:52,757 --> 00:25:55,066
A lot of it was...

445
00:25:56,437 --> 00:26:01,511
It's, erm...
A lot of it is CGI actually, you know that?

446
00:26:01,597 --> 00:26:03,667
- Half the boat...
- Really?

447
00:26:11,958 --> 00:26:14,392
- What you doing?
- Just checking that.

448
00:26:16,718 --> 00:26:18,470
Is it all right?

449
00:26:19,318 --> 00:26:21,229
Yeah, I think so.

450
00:26:23,839 --> 00:26:25,716
So you've told them, have you?
About the phone call?

451
00:26:25,799 --> 00:26:28,267
- No, no, I haven't.
- You've told them about the phone call.

452
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:31,157
I can't believe you told other people.
Hey, where you going?

453
00:26:31,239 --> 00:26:32,274
Just...

454
00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:34,793
You know everything anyway
so you might as well watch the break-up.

455
00:26:34,879 --> 00:26:38,236
- What? No, listen...
- Well, how can I trust you now?

456
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,675
Were you really doing anything?

457
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:43,911
When you said you were rubbing it,
were you really rubbing it?

458
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,797
No.

459
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:47,399
I don't know what to do.

460
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:50,040
I don't know what to do,
this is such a betrayal.

461
00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,509
- You're just laughing at me behind my back.
- I'm not.

462
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:54,432
Then what's all this with her?

463
00:26:54,561 --> 00:26:57,712
- I was getting advice.
- Off Kate Winslet?

464
00:26:59,441 --> 00:27:01,557
Are you proud of yourself? Are you?

465
00:27:02,121 --> 00:27:04,157
You think because
you were in the biggest film ever

466
00:27:04,241 --> 00:27:06,311
you've got the right to
mock the little people?

467
00:27:06,401 --> 00:27:07,754
No.

468
00:27:07,841 --> 00:27:10,310
So that stuff about
your husband polishing his Oscar,

469
00:27:10,402 --> 00:27:13,041
- was that supposed to mean wanking?
- Yeah.

470
00:27:14,882 --> 00:27:16,918
And your basement meant?

471
00:27:17,002 --> 00:27:18,515
My fanny.

472
00:27:22,722 --> 00:27:23,950
Pathetic.

473
00:27:28,003 --> 00:27:29,641
Thanks very much.

474
00:27:34,243 --> 00:27:37,121
I keep seeing her around.
What is up with her?

475
00:27:37,203 --> 00:27:39,559
She's got cerebral palsy.

476
00:27:39,644 --> 00:27:43,717
Oh, that's worth remembering, I tell you.
That is another way you win an Oscar.

477
00:27:43,804 --> 00:27:48,514
Seriously, think about it.
Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot. Oscar.

478
00:27:49,444 --> 00:27:51,594
Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, Oscar.

479
00:27:51,684 --> 00:27:53,640
John Mills, Ryan's Daughter, Oscar.

480
00:27:53,724 --> 00:27:55,556
- Yeah.
- Seriously.

481
00:27:56,485 --> 00:27:59,443
You are guaranteed an Oscar
if you play a mental.

482
00:28:02,245 --> 00:28:04,713
- See you later.
- Cheers.

483
00:28:05,305 --> 00:28:11,648
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