1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:03,871 Maybe I'm stupid, 2 00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:06,511 maybe the jury's stupid. 3 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,068 So many things don't add up. 4 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:11,390 You say you were in a restaurant, 5 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:15,075 you ate alone, but no one remembers you. 6 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,709 And the flowers, 7 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,192 the flowers. 8 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:28,434 It seems very odd that you would send your wife flowers and not include a card. 9 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,068 Whenever I sent my wife flowers, I always wrote a card. 10 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,310 Objection! 11 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:37,517 -When did you ever send me flowers? -I sent you flowers. 12 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,955 Name me one occasion when you sent me flowers? 13 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,838 -After your mother died. -A wreath doesn't count. 14 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,912 -Of course it does. -Does that count? 15 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,797 (MURMURING) 16 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:50,917 -My Lord, does that count? -It's still flowers. 17 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,070 You asked when did I ever send you flowers. 18 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:56,709 -Let's stick to the facts, shall we? -Shove your facts and your flowers... 19 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:57,789 (GAVEL POUNDING) 20 00:00:57,880 --> 00:00:59,438 Order! Order! 21 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:03,752 I order you to kiss and make up. 22 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,194 -My Lord? -My Lord? 23 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:08,998 You heard me. 24 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,999 (ALL APPLAUDING) 25 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:31,553 And cut there. Thank you, everybody. Thank you very much, guys. 26 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,714 MAN OVER RADIO: Okay, cut there, thank you. Thanks, Pete. 27 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,071 (MOBILE RINGING) 28 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,310 -Hello? -All right? 29 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,516 -Hey, how you doing? -Nervous. 30 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,238 -Why? -Big night, innit? 31 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,914 -Why, why, what's happened? -Filming the sitcom. 32 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,753 -What sitcom? -My sitcom. You're coming down. 33 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,638 Oh, yeah. I thought that was next week. 34 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:07,076 No, it's tonight, 7:30. Then every Thursday for six weeks. 35 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,674 -Put it in your diary. -I haven't got a diary. 36 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:12,320 -It's a figure of speech. -You doing a speech? 37 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,391 Well, this has been helpful. I'm glad I called. 38 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:15,993 Listen, let me know how it goes, eh? 39 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,358 -You're coming down. -Oh, right then. Well, what time does it start? 40 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,999 -7:30. -All right then. Bye. 41 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:25,832 All right, cheers. 42 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:39,429 Thank you. 43 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:43,433 -All right, see you later. Bye, yeah. Hiya. -Hi. 44 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,795 -What were you rolling your eyes at? -Just all that lot. 45 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:50,668 All, ooh, fawning all over you. That must get a bit exhausting, eh? 46 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,876 Yeah, it can be pretty exhausting, yeah. 47 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,713 Well, especially 'cause they're just doing it 'cause you're famous. 48 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,155 Well, they're not doing it just 'cause I'm famous, though. 49 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:01,835 -Well, it is, though, innit? -No, it's my looks as well. 50 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:06,755 Hmm. I just don't think that they would be acting like that if you weren't a film star. 51 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,434 Yeah, they pretty much would, yeah. I've always had attention. 52 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:14,548 No, well, all I'm saying is, like, if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored. 53 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:19,156 What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored. 54 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,312 I'll tell you who does get ignored. Johnny Depp. 55 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,676 On the set of Pirates of the Caribbean the birds just walk straight past him, 56 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,832 "Get out the bloody way, whoever you are, we wanna get to Orlando."' 57 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,593 -They're round me like flies round shit. -They ignore Johnny Depp? 58 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,878 Yeah. They're going, "Oh, Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?" 59 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,076 I'm going, "It's Johnny Depp," you know, 60 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,709 and they're going, "Who cares? You were Legolas in Lord of the Rings. " 61 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,473 "Ooh, look at me, I make art-house movies. 62 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:49,156 "Oh, I've got scissors for hands."' Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker. 63 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:58,352 MAN OVER RADIO: Okay, stand by, everybody. Stand by, thank you. 64 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:00,953 Hey, buddy! 65 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,396 -All right? How's it going, all set? -I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. 66 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,596 -No? -This is not the comedy I set out to do. 67 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:10,514 I wanted something real that people would relate to and it's all changed 68 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,398 -because people have stuck their nose in. -Yeah, I'm hearing you. 69 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,869 But do you know what, this is typical first-night nerves, all right? 70 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,599 I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Oh, the script's not funny."' 71 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,671 You know, "It's crass, it's lowest common denominator."' 72 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:21,988 And, you know, you're right. 73 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:24,514 But don't worry about it because people will watch anything, all right? 74 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,558 Particularly if it's on after East Enders and they ain't got to change the channel. 75 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,835 Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war, 76 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:31,797 and, you know, ratings in the end are what count. 77 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,871 -And merchandise. -Well, it's not what counts for me, all right? 78 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,554 I wanted to write a good credible comedy that would stand the test of time. 79 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,198 Yeah, I know. I agree, I was just saying that 80 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,872 'cause that's what I thought you wanted me to say. 81 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,030 Well, don't. Tell the truth. 82 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,839 I will, and the truth is, if you're not happy, I'm right behind you. 83 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,150 -Right. -And I've got the perfect replacement. 84 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:50,516 -For what? -For you, for your character. It's only Barry. 85 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:51,828 (ANDY SIGHING) 86 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,717 -All right, Shaun? -He's all set, knows all the lines, 87 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,075 he's ready to go, can step in. What's your character's catchphrase? 88 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,674 It's not a catchphrase. It's something the real Ray used to actually say. 89 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,432 What was it? 90 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,080 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 91 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:04,718 Look at that, nothing, stony face. 92 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,519 And I love a giggle me. I love a laugh, don't l? You do it. 93 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,477 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 94 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,790 (LAUGHING) It's good, innit? I don't know how he comes up with it. 95 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,108 -He didn't come up with it. -Yeah. 96 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,713 The thing about Barry is, and I've noticed this, right, 97 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,429 people will laugh at him, they never laugh with him. It's extraordinary. 98 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:19,669 Look at that face. 99 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:22,228 There's a sort of undercurrent of tragedy to it, isn't there? Do it. 100 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,629 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 101 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:29,191 -I love it, because he's desperate. -Yeah, the role's taken, cheers. 102 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:32,716 -Pardon us. Hello, how's it going? All right? -Yeah, everything all right? 103 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,677 -I think so. Damon? -Yeah, everybody's in. 104 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,228 Rehearsals should kick off about twenty past. 105 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:41,313 -Right. -Just one teeny-incy-winsy-little hiccup, 106 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,755 Paul Shane's dropped out. 107 00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:47,230 -Why? -He was worried it was a little bit too broad. 108 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,232 Paul Shane thinks this is too broad? Right. 109 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,949 Well, it's only a little part, isn't it? And we've got a replacement, Keith's on his way. 110 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,395 -Keith? -Keith Chegwin. 111 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,916 Keith Chegwin? Can he act? He's a TV presenter, isn't he? 112 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,514 We thought it'd add a nice little bit of extra kitsch value. 113 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,511 Yeah, great. 114 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,989 -See that, that does annoy me a little bit. -Why? 115 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,755 Well, if you're looking for a podgy fella who'll do anything to get on the telly, Barry. 116 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:12,512 You were trying to get him my part a minute ago. 117 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,033 Well, he's versatile. He's multi-talented. 118 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,997 You never even saw his one-man version of Romeo and Juliet. 119 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,798 Do a bit for them. It was brilliant. 120 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:21,395 O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? 121 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,799 What satisfaction canst thou have tonight? 122 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:28,873 The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine. 123 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,670 Oh, I gave thee mine before thou didst request it, 124 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:36,878 and yet I would it were to give again. 125 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:45,919 -Always gets me, that bit. Well done. -All right, okay. 126 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,956 -Maggie. Hello. -Oh, hi. 127 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,876 You're not still an extra are you? Oh, God, that must do your head in. 128 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:03,520 You know I'm an actress now? How long have you been an extra? 129 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:05,830 -Supporting artist. -How long have you been doing that now? 130 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:09,037 I only did it about 18 months and then I was plucked out of the cesspool. 131 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:10,917 -No disrespect. -None taken. 132 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,911 I've got a scene later with Orlando Bloom. 133 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,353 -Ah. -He's gorgeous. 134 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,874 Well... I just did a scene with him. 135 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,952 No, but yeah, I mean, I've got an actual scene with dialogue, 136 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,110 not just a fuzzy blob in the background. 137 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,918 -No disrespect. -None taken, again. 138 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,035 (MOBILE RINGING) 139 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:26,678 Oh, hang on. Oh, it's Matty Bowers. 140 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,159 -I've just got to take this. -It's okay. 141 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,992 Hello, darling. 142 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,234 Listen, listen... No, Matt, can I just call you back? 143 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,276 -Sorry I'm just with a friend. -It's all right. I'm all right. 144 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,158 Yes, she is female. 145 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:47,109 Oh, he says can I take a picture of you? Hold on a sec, hang on. 146 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,599 (CAMERA PHONE CLICKING) 147 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:52,389 I'll text it to you. You're a dirty old man. Bye. 148 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,873 Actually, he's not old. He's 28 and he's got his own yacht. 149 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,394 -Oh. Oh. -He's quite a catch. 150 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:01,074 So where you living at the moment? Have you got your own place? 151 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,072 -Yes, I've got my own place. -'Cause you were renting before. 152 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,037 That grotty little council place behind Londis. 153 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,715 -Yeah, I'm still there. -You're well, though? 154 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,792 -Surprisingly. -Yeah, well, that's the main thing, yeah. 155 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,792 Even if you've got nothing else, at least you've got your health, eh? 156 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,871 -At the moment. -Yeah. 157 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,554 Talking of bad luck. Did you hear about Barbara? 158 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:26,317 Trevor's left her for a younger model. She is devastated, honestly, all alone, 159 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,119 crying herself to sleep every night in that big house. 160 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,919 She has got her own house, at least, which is something. 161 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,035 Good for her. 162 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,109 (MOBILE BEEPING) 163 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,997 Oh, that'll be Matty. 164 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,199 Oh. No. 165 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:42,957 Never mind. 166 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:47,349 Oh, he's late again. Alfie's going to be in so much trouble. 167 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,715 Well, I'm not carrying the can for him again. 168 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:53,839 Well, there's no excuses this time. Mr Stokes said if he's late one more time, 169 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:56,354 he's gonna give him the brush off. 170 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:01,429 Oh, here he is. Alfie, not again. 171 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,035 -Why are you late? -Because I buried me sister today! 172 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:07,798 Yep, great. Let's move on. Next scene. 173 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,713 Sorry, I don't want to interfere. Is that how he's gonna do it? 174 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,189 Because it's meant to be a sad line, "l buried my sister today."' 175 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,316 He was smiling. It's got to be an emotional... 176 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,994 -Hang on, everyone. -Sorry, Keith, can we try that again? 177 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,071 You were smiling, mate, it's... 178 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,594 They all sort of think you're a joke 'cause you're always late, 179 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,989 but today you've got a valid reason, you buried your sister. 180 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:28,117 It's sort of like a... Oh, it's like an emotional point in the show. 181 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,316 -Could we do it again? -Yeah, no worries. 182 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,039 Okay, sorry. 183 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:40,750 You're smiling again. You mustn't smile, you're sad. Okay? 184 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,070 You've just been to a funeral. 185 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,472 Okay, in you come. 186 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:52,068 Alfie, not again. Why are you late? 187 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,955 Because I buried my sister today. 188 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:57,679 Don't look at the camera. 189 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,751 -You mustn't look at the camera. -Sorry. 190 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:00,989 -Okay? -Yeah. 191 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,036 It sort of breaks the illusion this is real life. 192 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:04,872 -Right. -Go again. 193 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,274 Okay, in you come, action. 194 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:11,872 You're smiling. Sad. 195 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:16,597 You looked straight at the lens again. Good, double whammy, and again. 196 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,159 Action. 197 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:23,469 -Alfie, not again. Why are you late? -Because l... 198 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,632 We can't see you, Keith, you've gone too far, okay? 199 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,393 You've got to stay on that mark, the blue mark down there, 200 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,916 that's for you to stand on 'cause that's where the camera is pointing 201 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,797 and then we can see your face. 202 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,633 So, just to recap, come in, not smiling 'cause you're sad 203 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,393 'cause you just buried your sister, don't look at the camera 204 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:44,029 and stand on that mark so we can see you on the telly. 205 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,473 Okay? 206 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,029 -There's a lot to remember, isn't there? -There is a lot to remember. 207 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:52,989 There is a lot to remember. It's called acting. Okay, okay, action. 208 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:55,393 Sad! 209 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:59,999 Too far, left a bit, don't look at me! Okay, ask him the question. 210 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,548 -Why are you late? -Because my sister buried me today. 211 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,359 Oh, for fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury you? 212 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:09,149 -That'd be mental! -Oh, sorry, I get so confused. 213 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,473 -The thing is my sister's not dead. -What? 214 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,832 I told them when I started, me sister, she's not dead. 215 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,591 -Do you mean in real life? -Yeah. 216 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,630 Presumably you don't work in a factory in real life? 217 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,676 -No. -And your name's not Alfie. 218 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,432 Yeah, you see, that's another thing. 219 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:32,035 Sometimes I don't know who's talking to who. 220 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,238 Would you rather be called Keith in this? 221 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:38,958 It would help. 222 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,798 Okay, everyone, we're changing Keith's character name from Alfie to Keith. 223 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,110 Okay? Good. Let's go again. 224 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,509 This time, then. Okay, in you come, Keith. 225 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,239 -Keith me or Keith the character? -Same person! 226 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,357 Keith... Okay, Keith you and Keith the character, 227 00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,557 all-in-one Keith, okay, in you come. Action! 228 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,390 -The door's stuck. -That's lunch! 229 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:11,069 Okay. No, okay, bye. Bye. 230 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,111 Yeah, just a call to do a small part in a film, but I just had to let them down, 231 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,031 -I'm too busy. -Aw. 232 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,918 -Oh, I wonder if they'd want you. -No, I wouldn't have thought so. 233 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,070 -No, hang on, let me give them a call. -No, no. 234 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,754 Try and help my bloody mates. You need the help. 235 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,035 -But I'm not even a proper actress. -Hang on. 236 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:31,398 Hiya, Pauline. Listen, about that job, I've got a friend who's available. 237 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:36,270 Does she have to be good looking? Does she? Oh. 238 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,392 Oh, I don't know, late 30s, early 40s. 239 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,994 -I'd say mousy. -Blonde. 240 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:47,198 But lovely girl, great personality, desperate for anything. 241 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:53,118 No. All right, well, I tried. Okay, cheers. 242 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,238 Oh, sorry about that. 243 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:58,357 -It's not your lucky day. -No. 244 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,832 -You okay? -Yeah. 245 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,071 MAN: Come on, up you go. 246 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,958 -All right? -Yeah. 247 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,475 I'm back again. 248 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,710 Fourteen years I did here at the BBC. 249 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:30,078 Swap Shop, Cheggers Plays Pop, all sorts. 250 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,350 Still run by Jews and queers, is it? 251 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,829 -It's what? -This place. 252 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,994 Still run by your Jews and queers? 253 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:47,039 I think there are some Jewish people and some gay people, yeah. 254 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,438 Gay! 255 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,876 Yeah, I forgot, you're not meant to say "queer", are you? 256 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,520 Suggests something abnormal. 257 00:13:56,560 --> 00:14:00,758 What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a bloke's arse? 258 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:06,159 And put it this way, if God had wanted a cock up an arse, 259 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,629 he wouldn't have given us minges. 260 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,792 Men have knobs, 261 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,717 women have fannies. 262 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,795 Pop knob in fanny, 263 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,392 not up the arse. 264 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,118 Good. I should be making notes. 265 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,709 -You what? -Nothing. It's... It's all good advice. 266 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,231 -Hi. -Hello again. 267 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,198 -What are you reading? -Oh, just Hello! 268 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:49,918 Oh, yeah, heat. 269 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:56,553 -Oh, no, I don't believe it. -What is it? 270 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,915 Just Top 5 Sexiest Film Stars, for God's sake. 271 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,070 -Are you in it? -Number one. 272 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,908 -Stupid. What do they mean, these lists? -Nothing really. 273 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,753 Don't slag them off. It's their opinion. Just... 274 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,469 Oh, no. Look at this woman magazine. 275 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,428 "I'm having an affair with my brother-in-law's ghost"? 276 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:18,274 No, that. Women's Top Ten Fantasy Snogs. Number one again. 277 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,476 What's that thing about the ghost? 278 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,790 "My, um... My husband's brother's ghost visits me at night 279 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:26,793 -"and I think I'm falling in love with him."' -Do they have sex? 280 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,116 Well, it doesn't say. But it doesn't matter, does it? 281 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,714 Look, we were looking at the Number One Fantasy Snog For Women. 282 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,836 Number one, Orlando Bloom. 283 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,033 Oh, better not show this to Johnny Depp. He's only number four. 284 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,315 Really? He'd be my number one. 285 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,949 Well, you'd be wrong, wouldn't you? I'm number one, there's the proof. 286 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,837 It was the same on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean. 287 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,356 Me and Keira Knightley do a kissing scene, I do a brilliant take, everyone claps, 288 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,749 the director goes, "That was amazing."' 289 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,229 Keira goes, "Oh, can we just do that kissing bit again?" 290 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,993 Well, I know what she's up to. 291 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,275 And I tease her, and I go, "lf you wanna kiss somebody, 292 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,793 "why don't you kiss Johnny Depp?" 293 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,839 She goes, "Don't make me fucking sick. I'm gonna vomit if you carry on like that."' 294 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,478 Why do you keep talking about Johnny Depp? 295 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,074 I don't keep talking about him. I never talk about him, he's boring. 296 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,276 He's a prat. Where I'm from, he wouldn't last five minutes. 297 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,237 -He'd get a smack straightaway. -Where are you from? 298 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,198 -Haply-on-the-Wold, near Royal Windsor. -Oh. 299 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,398 But they're all subjective, though, those lists, though, aren't they? 300 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,119 Well, no. Obviously, I am objectively really good-looking. 301 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,952 But it's not objective, is it? 302 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,476 Personally, I think you're a wee bit... 303 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,356 What's that? You winding me up? 304 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,908 -Come out for a drink later. -I can't, I'm meeting my friend. 305 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,752 Come out for a coffee with me, you know. Come on. 306 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,308 Just get to know me, get to know the normal me, 307 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,073 take a better look and, you know, see the attractiveness. 308 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,230 But I don't think you are. 309 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,353 Liar. 310 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,875 -Try them on. -Bit wacky, aren't they? 311 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,155 Big glasses are funny. 312 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,277 -The real Ray didn't even wear glasses. -Put them on. 313 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,952 -That's funny. Do the catchphrase. -It's not a catchphrase. 314 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,838 -It's something he actually used to say. -Do it. 315 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,957 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 316 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,077 -Now the wig. -What about that one? 317 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,197 -It looks ridiculous. -That looks funny. 318 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,589 -He didn't even have curly hair. -Curly is funny. 319 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:28,150 -What do you mean, curly is funny? -Curly hair is funny. 320 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,475 Harpo Marx, Leo Sayer. 321 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,028 I can name you loads of people with curly hair that aren't funny. 322 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:36,351 Starsky from Starsky and Hutch, Jim Morrison. 323 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,795 -Blacks. -Don't say blacks. 324 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:42,031 -What shall I say? -Say black people. 325 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:46,353 -Okay, black people aren't funny. -Black people are funny, Keith. 326 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,839 Name one black person that's funny. 327 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,639 I can name you loads of black people that are funny. Dave Chappelle, 328 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,188 -Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy. -English. 329 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:57,917 Don't change the rules half way through. 330 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,072 There are loads of funny English black people, too. 331 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,315 Who? 332 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:04,754 Um... 333 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,912 Um... 334 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,754 MAN OVER RADIO: Paul on two, Paul on two. 335 00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,715 -Good news. -Oh, more good news. Excellent. 336 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:32,110 Right, Eddie Osbourne, electrician. 337 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,193 He split up with his wife a while ago and he's back on the market. 338 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,555 -Lovely guy, just your type. -Really? 339 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,518 Sweet guy. He's a lovely guy. Interested? 340 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,989 -Yeah. -Great. Eddie? 341 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,679 Yo! 342 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,113 This is her. 343 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,838 (EXHALING) 344 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,395 -No? Oh, never mind. -Not bothered. 345 00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,839 I just don't know where you're going wrong. 346 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,953 -Right. Kiss me. One kiss, come on. -No. 347 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,600 One kiss, just let me show you how I do it. No tongues if you don't want. 348 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,069 Right. If it's gonna shut you up. 349 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:19,035 (BLOOM SIGHS) 350 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,032 -Well? -Not really my cup of tea. 351 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,598 Sorry about that. 352 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,275 You're in this club, this vision walks up. 353 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,474 She says, "Hi, handsome, wanna buy me a drink?" 354 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,994 -What do you say? -I say, "I'm not made of money."' 355 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,877 Oh, you're never gonna get a woman like that. 356 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,349 No, I don't want a woman like that. 357 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,591 Go on, be nice to her, caress her hair. 358 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,795 No, don't pat her, she's not a dog. 359 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,440 She must be a dog if she's going out with him. Oh! 360 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,033 Oh, Mr Stokes. 361 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,116 I'm sorry, um... 362 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,752 -Maybe waggle the glasses? -I'm not sure about the glasses. 363 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,876 Oh, you've got to have the glasses, it's hysterical. 364 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,315 -I don't think so. -It's definitely funnier with the glasses. 365 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,834 -Oh, yeah, it is, I agree. -There's a surprise. 366 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:27,310 Well, I'm sorry that my presence here as head of comedy irritates you, 367 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,038 but I've been in this business a lot longer than you, 368 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,998 and my opinion will be heard because I'm the man with the money. 369 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:33,832 -It's not your money, though, is it? -No, 370 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,388 but I'm entrusted to make sure that it's spent correctly. 371 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,517 Oh, we'll make sure it's spent correctly, which is apparently on funny glasses. 372 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:40,828 I'll just take five, right? 373 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,592 -Yes. -Yeah, all right. 374 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,437 -Oh, do you mind if I take these for later on? -No. 375 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,988 Can I just say that I know what you're going through? 376 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,709 My character on East Enders, he started out as an interesting three-dimensional person, 377 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:58,030 but then over the years the writers turned him into a joke, 378 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:01,192 and that's why I walked away, you know, it wasn't what I wanted to do. 379 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,431 And I know some people look at me now and say I was a fool 380 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:08,672 but I know that I walked away with my integrity and my pride intact. 381 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,150 I just think you've gotta do what you think is right. 382 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,590 -lain, can I have a word? -Yeah, what is it? 383 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,719 This isn't the comedy I set out to make, okay? In fact, I think it's awful. 384 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,234 Yeah, well, shall we not do this here, shall we go up to my office... 385 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,834 No, I don't care who hears what I've got to say 386 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,196 because I'm at that point now. Everyone's interfered, it's embarrassing. 387 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:33,952 I don't want to get on television for the sake of it. 388 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:37,555 I don't want to be famous for the sake of it. I want to do something that I'm proud of. 389 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,838 And I won't be proud of shouting out catchphrases 390 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,512 in a stupid wig and funny glasses. 391 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,956 I wanna do what I wanna do, otherwise I'll hate myself for the rest of my life. 392 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,076 And I tell you what, a case in point. 393 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,914 Shaun, on East Enders, they started to turn his character into a joke 394 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:57,118 and he walked away at the top of his game. That's called integrity. 395 00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:01,796 Okay, it doesn't matter what happens to him now 'cause he's got his dignity. 396 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,391 -Shall l... -Leave it. 397 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:36,478 So basically, I'm not gonna prostitute myself any more, or my work, okay? 398 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:40,235 I'm just sick of people coming along, telling me how they think it should be done 399 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,151 and me just having to bend over and take it up the arse. 400 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:46,518 Ah! Oh, sorry, can we just say no disrespect to either of you as gays? 401 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,034 You know, we don't know if you're givers or receivers, 402 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:50,678 very difficult to tell just from looking at you. 403 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:52,637 Although if I was putting money on it, I'd probably go... 404 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,199 We don't need to put money on it. 405 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:55,872 (CLEARING THROAT) 406 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:04,274 You've heard what I've got to say. 407 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:07,352 Right, well, thank you for telling us how you feel. 408 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,393 So here's how I see things going forward. 409 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,392 You can either carry on and record this show as we've already planned, 410 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,790 or you can pull the plug, waste everybody's time and hard work, 411 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,394 waste the thousands of pounds we've already spent so far, 412 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,631 burn all your bridges with the BBC and you can go back to being an extra 413 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,871 and then you can work your way back up again from nothing. 414 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,871 What do you want to do? 415 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,952 -Well... -What do you want to do? 416 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:43,553 Sitcom. 417 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,474 This can be good. That's what I've been trying to say. 418 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:51,235 This... Finish this off, 'cause it can... 419 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:55,029 I don't wanna let people down. I wanna get on with this. I wanna get this on the telly. 420 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,793 And then in the future, maybe look at doing it the way I wanted to do it. 421 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:00,110 -Yeah, or not. -Or not, see how it goes. 422 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,156 That's all I wanna... 423 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,190 -Right. Yeah. -Yeah? 424 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,513 -Okay. -Good. 425 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:10,989 -Andy? -Yeah? 426 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,036 -Don't forget your... -Glasses. 427 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,432 Right. 428 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,118 -Hi. -Cutting it a bit fine, aren't you? 429 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:32,918 I know, sorry I'm late. 430 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,877 -Everything all right? -Yeah. 431 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:36,951 -No first-night nerves? -No, no, no. 432 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:40,555 I actually had to kick a bit of arse earlier 'cause I was getting sick of all this, 433 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,232 -"Is it a good comedy? Is it a bad comedy?" -Yeah. 434 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:44,880 I just went, "Look, it's a good comedy if it pleases people. 435 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,598 "Can we get on with it?" Do you know what I mean? 436 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,432 I think comedy should be as broad as possible, 437 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:50,988 so you take everyone in. I want the whole family to like this. 438 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,150 -I want four-year-olds to like this. -They will. 439 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:56,550 Do you know what I mean? And if it doesn't stand the test of time, so what? 440 00:24:56,640 --> 00:25:01,589 Do something else, but, you know, bring as much joy into the world as you can. 441 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:05,036 -That's all. -Yeah, well, as long as you're happy. 442 00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:08,317 I'm happy if people are happy. 443 00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,716 -Are you definitely gonna do this? Yeah? -Yeah. 444 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,792 -You're definitely gonna go on and... -Yes. 445 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:16,915 Yeah. 446 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,195 -Forget it, Barry, he's gonna do it, mate. -Fuck. 447 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,919 I know. I'm as annoyed as you are, man. 448 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:35,549 Bloody hell, Rita, you look terrible. Life as a single mum getting to you? 449 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,918 I was up till 2:00 am doing me daughter's science homework. 450 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,470 Did you know that Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin 451 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,120 when he found mould on some old bread he'd left out? 452 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,233 Oh, he should look under Gobbler's bed, he'd find a new species. 453 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,716 He'd find a new species if he looked in Gobbler's bed. 454 00:25:56,280 --> 00:26:00,319 -I don't get it. -You don't get it? 455 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:04,791 I've been without a man so long, I think I'd say yes if Ray asked me out. 456 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:09,715 -My ears are burning. -Maybe I can last a few more years. 457 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:14,150 Morning, campers. Well, congratulations are in order. 458 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,800 You all successfully clocked in on time this morning, 459 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,474 you just forgot to start bloody work! 460 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:24,753 Steady on, Mr Stokes, we've been comforting Rita. 461 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:28,196 She's been up all night trying to get her head round some fella called Alexander. 462 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:30,999 Oh, lucky beggar. 463 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:34,311 -No one who works here I hope. -No, he's dead. 464 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,149 You cooked for him as well? He he! 465 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,312 Oh, Mr Stokes, will you be nice to her? 466 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:42,833 (MUMBLING) 467 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,754 Well, Rita, I know you've had your problems, but I want you to know this. 468 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:51,231 -The door to my office is always open. -Thank you, Mr Stokes. 469 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:55,552 Yeah, I think it's the bloody hinges. Get off your arse and fix it, will you? 470 00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:00,154 -I haven't got any tools. -You're joking? You've got two right here. 471 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,435 Gobbler's a complete spanner. 472 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:05,071 I don't get it. 473 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:09,438 What Mr Stokes has cleverly done, with recourse to a pun, 474 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:13,069 is take Rita's usage of the word "tool", 475 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:17,073 a device that performs manual or mechanical work, 476 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:22,712 and transpose its meaning into the vulgar, slang definition of "tool", 477 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,792 meaning the male reproductive appendage. 478 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:30,118 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 479 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:31,918 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 480 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:36,031 You're having a laugh! 481 00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:37,838 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 482 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,634 He is having a laugh. 483 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,478 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 484 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,995 Ooh. You're having a laugh. 485 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,679 RITA: Oh, I got a letter back from the dating agency. 486 00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:09,957 -Yeah, this guy replied, sent me a picture. -My word. 487 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,315 RITA: Before you ask, it was taken on his allotment, 488 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,789 and, yes, he did win first prize.