1
00:00:00,900 --> 00:00:03,141
Hi, I'm Andy Millman.
2
00:00:03,281 --> 00:00:04,966
What would you rather do?
3
00:00:05,095 --> 00:00:08,465
Have your child die of thirst,
or dysentery?
4
00:00:08,657 --> 00:00:10,968
That's not a choice
that you'll have to make, is it?
5
00:00:11,122 --> 00:00:14,280
But 1 in 5 people don't have access
to clean drinking water.
6
00:00:14,419 --> 00:00:17,823
Everyday, millions of people have to
drink the only water available to them.
7
00:00:17,946 --> 00:00:19,841
And they run the risk of dying.
8
00:00:19,995 --> 00:00:22,213
You can help put an end
to that terrible risk...
9
00:00:22,305 --> 00:00:24,353
by pledging just five pounds.
10
00:00:24,523 --> 00:00:25,740
Please help.
11
00:00:26,648 --> 00:00:27,477
Cut!
12
00:00:27,590 --> 00:00:29,283
- Was that alright?
- That was fantastic.
13
00:00:29,388 --> 00:00:31,498
Thank you so much,
that was so wonderful.
14
00:00:31,626 --> 00:00:33,009
Chris, hi!
15
00:00:33,316 --> 00:00:35,108
- How are you?
- What's this for, today?
16
00:00:35,146 --> 00:00:37,689
It's for people in the Third World
who don't have clean drink.
17
00:00:37,756 --> 00:00:39,129
This screen...
18
00:00:39,264 --> 00:00:40,862
You're gonna project
anything on that?
19
00:00:41,163 --> 00:00:42,950
We don't know yet, but I'm sure...
20
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:45,305
Cause we have a album coming out,
Greatest Hits.
21
00:00:45,523 --> 00:00:47,878
Maybe just put a picture
of the album cover on it.
22
00:00:48,471 --> 00:00:49,566
Just simple.
23
00:00:49,663 --> 00:00:51,509
Probably,
if we're gonna project anything,
24
00:00:51,531 --> 00:00:54,885
we'll show pictures of people dying
because of the lack of clean water.
25
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:56,430
Could they be holding the album?
26
00:00:56,859 --> 00:00:58,413
Not really, no...
27
00:00:58,574 --> 00:01:00,874
I think that might be
a bit inappropriate?
28
00:01:02,266 --> 00:01:03,623
I presume at some point,
29
00:01:03,670 --> 00:01:07,627
you're gonna have some footage of
these people looking sad, miserable.
30
00:01:07,721 --> 00:01:10,159
What about some music?
Check this out.
31
00:01:14,463 --> 00:01:16,938
- Is that one of yours?
- Yeah, yeah, "Trouble".
32
00:01:18,873 --> 00:01:19,961
Just say at the bottom:
33
00:01:20,008 --> 00:01:22,109
"This is available,
Coldplay Greatest Hits."
34
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,359
- I just don't quite know...
- Easy. Easy.
35
00:01:24,660 --> 00:01:27,042
So easy. Alright, ok.
36
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,040
- Now, where do you want me to stand?
- Just there.
37
00:01:35,869 --> 00:01:38,054
- Hey, I know you.
- You alright?
38
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,967
"Are you having a laugh?"
39
00:01:40,679 --> 00:01:42,149
"Are you having a laugh", yeah.
40
00:01:42,204 --> 00:01:43,734
I could come on your show.
41
00:01:43,779 --> 00:01:45,527
What's the audience?
5 or 6 million?
42
00:01:45,587 --> 00:01:46,592
That'd be fab!
43
00:01:46,652 --> 00:01:50,054
I don't know, it's a bit weird,
celebrities just popping up in a sitcom.
44
00:01:50,627 --> 00:01:52,383
It'd be good, I could play myself.
45
00:01:52,435 --> 00:01:55,346
Right. What would Chris Martin be doing
visiting a factory in Wigan?
46
00:01:55,384 --> 00:01:56,433
You'll work it out.
47
00:01:56,471 --> 00:01:57,866
- We will.
- We won't.
48
00:01:57,934 --> 00:01:59,584
- When do you shoot?
- Thursdays.
49
00:01:59,637 --> 00:02:01,422
- I can't do Thursdays.
- I don't mind.
50
00:02:01,482 --> 00:02:03,141
- I can do Wednesdays.
- We can move it.
51
00:02:03,193 --> 00:02:04,834
- We can't move it.
- No, we can!
52
00:02:04,879 --> 00:02:05,765
Move it.
53
00:02:06,178 --> 00:02:07,526
Can we get on with this?
54
00:02:07,570 --> 00:02:10,034
I got to do AIDS, Altzheimer's
and landmines this afternoon.
55
00:02:10,071 --> 00:02:11,990
I don't wanna get back
for "Deal or no deal".
56
00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:14,024
Plus, Gwyn is making drumsticks.
57
00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:22,456
Do some bloody work.
What's up with you lot?
58
00:02:22,531 --> 00:02:24,488
- We're depressed, Mr Stokes.
- Why?
59
00:02:24,525 --> 00:02:26,438
Radio's broken, Mr Stokes.
60
00:02:26,468 --> 00:02:31,673
Statistics prove the work is much more
productive with musical accompaniment.
61
00:02:32,187 --> 00:02:35,059
You having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?
62
00:02:38,585 --> 00:02:40,714
We can't work without music.
63
00:02:40,751 --> 00:02:44,043
Can't work without music?!
Who are you, seven bloody dwarves?
64
00:02:44,324 --> 00:02:46,940
You'll just have to buy us another one.
65
00:02:47,745 --> 00:02:48,768
I'm not made of money!
66
00:02:48,796 --> 00:02:50,531
And we've spent budget
for the year, so...
67
00:02:51,253 --> 00:02:53,072
I don't know
what we're gonna do.
68
00:02:54,394 --> 00:02:55,566
Maybe I can help.
69
00:02:56,616 --> 00:03:00,066
I don't believe it.
It's only Chris Martin from Coldplay.
70
00:03:02,954 --> 00:03:06,640
Chris, what are you doing here
in a factory in Wigan? It's mental.
71
00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:09,518
Well, Ray, I'm just in the area
to promote our new album,
72
00:03:09,555 --> 00:03:10,981
Coldplay, the Greatest Hits.
73
00:03:11,806 --> 00:03:14,450
And... I thought I'd pop on over,
say hello.
74
00:03:15,435 --> 00:03:16,598
When's that due out?
75
00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:18,520
It's coming out
on the 17th of this month.
76
00:03:18,558 --> 00:03:19,945
And it's gonna be really great.
77
00:03:20,002 --> 00:03:24,006
Oh, fantastic. Well, this is gonna sound
absolutely ridiculous...
78
00:03:24,053 --> 00:03:26,444
but do you mind performing
a song for us?
79
00:03:26,698 --> 00:03:28,020
Are you having a laugh?
80
00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:43,239
"This week, 'When the whistle blows'
sunk even lower
81
00:04:43,296 --> 00:04:46,531
in its desperate attempt to appeal to as
many of the great unwashed as possible
82
00:04:46,569 --> 00:04:49,101
by roping in the services
of rock star Chris Martin...
83
00:04:49,195 --> 00:04:53,059
whose inexplicable appearance
was the latest attempt by Andy Millman
84
00:04:53,124 --> 00:04:55,731
to shamelessly prop up
his lame duck of a sitcom."
85
00:04:55,788 --> 00:04:57,438
I told you.
I told everyone.
86
00:04:57,485 --> 00:05:00,139
- Why did I let people convince me?
- Calm down.
87
00:05:00,211 --> 00:05:01,383
Muffin?
88
00:05:03,113 --> 00:05:05,310
- Have a lovely bit of muffin.
- I don't want any.
89
00:05:05,384 --> 00:05:07,450
Do you mind if I have
a little bit of muffin?
90
00:05:08,549 --> 00:05:09,385
Thank you.
91
00:05:10,264 --> 00:05:11,802
- Bar?
- Yo.
92
00:05:11,905 --> 00:05:13,707
- I'm having the muffin.
- I'll come through.
93
00:05:13,899 --> 00:05:16,141
- Why is this an event?
- It's exciting.
94
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:19,891
Hi, Shaun.
95
00:05:19,938 --> 00:05:22,451
- Lovely bit of muffin.
- Hello, you.
96
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:24,917
Go on. Go, lick.
97
00:05:25,039 --> 00:05:26,408
Why is he eating like that?
98
00:05:26,690 --> 00:05:28,134
Yeah, why are you eating like that?
99
00:05:28,218 --> 00:05:30,628
Me hands, I've been cleaning
the toilets with no gloves.
100
00:05:31,942 --> 00:05:34,014
You shook my hand
when you came in.
101
00:05:34,483 --> 00:05:36,124
It was polite,
listen to this.
102
00:05:36,302 --> 00:05:37,178
Just being polite.
103
00:05:37,222 --> 00:05:39,193
We're celebrating
with a lovely bit of muffin.
104
00:05:39,222 --> 00:05:41,052
What'd be the best news
you could get today?
105
00:05:41,090 --> 00:05:42,777
You're going full time
at the Carphone Warehouse.
106
00:05:42,807 --> 00:05:44,713
I don't work
at the Carephone Warehouse anymore.
107
00:05:44,781 --> 00:05:47,331
I do saturday mornings
while Norinda's pregnant.
108
00:05:47,382 --> 00:05:50,679
What news would mean you finally got
the critical respect you wanted?
109
00:05:50,762 --> 00:05:53,463
Don't know, being on a comedy
with catch-phrases and stupid wigs
110
00:05:53,507 --> 00:05:56,035
filmed in front of a live
studio audience of morons
111
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:57,543
is suddenly considered cool.
112
00:05:57,618 --> 00:05:59,073
That's never gonna happen, is it ?
113
00:05:59,118 --> 00:06:00,761
No, you've been nominated
for a BAFTA.
114
00:06:00,807 --> 00:06:02,735
- Best Comedy Performance.
- Really ?
115
00:06:07,048 --> 00:06:08,316
Not gonna win that.
116
00:06:08,383 --> 00:06:09,780
Sommat classier than this'll win.
117
00:06:09,974 --> 00:06:12,900
I was thinking the same, then I was
looking at the list of nominees...
118
00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:15,907
And it's all crap this year, so
you've got as good a chance as anyone.
119
00:06:16,215 --> 00:06:17,226
Cheers.
120
00:06:17,575 --> 00:06:20,417
More good news as well:
I had a call from a toy manufacturer,
121
00:06:20,461 --> 00:06:22,847
and they're quite keen to put out
a Ray doll, for Christmas.
122
00:06:22,877 --> 00:06:24,925
You press a button, he goes
"You having a laugh?"
123
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:27,866
- Who's gonna buy that?
- Same people who watch your show!
124
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,763
Thick kids and their thick parents...
125
00:06:29,884 --> 00:06:32,668
Yeah, thick people, I get it,
that's what I'm going for.
126
00:06:32,742 --> 00:06:35,720
Don't slag it off, those people
spend a fortune on this sort of tack.
127
00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:39,381
And ringtones as well!
Oh, that crazy frog made millions.
128
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,910
Where is he now?
129
00:06:45,591 --> 00:06:48,712
Probably working on a follow-up album,
or trying to crack Japan.
130
00:06:48,785 --> 00:06:49,643
Not bad for a frog.
131
00:06:49,696 --> 00:06:51,947
He's very good for a frog Bar,
if you don't mind me saying.
132
00:06:51,983 --> 00:06:54,894
I think he's probably the 2nd
richest frog in the world after Kermit.
133
00:06:55,007 --> 00:06:57,700
Kermit, yeah!
And his nephew, Robin?
134
00:06:57,753 --> 00:06:58,764
Oh, Robin was good.
135
00:06:58,801 --> 00:07:00,652
Looked set to take over
the empire for a while.
136
00:07:00,713 --> 00:07:01,992
He was a good
actor and singer.
137
00:07:02,042 --> 00:07:04,047
- "Half way up the stairs" ?
- Good song.
138
00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:07,526
I've never been
to an awards ceremony before.
139
00:07:07,556 --> 00:07:08,261
Nor have I.
140
00:07:08,374 --> 00:07:10,921
- There'll be photographers there.
- Probably.
141
00:07:11,082 --> 00:07:14,160
What if I fall,
or dribble something down my front?
142
00:07:14,248 --> 00:07:15,537
What're you, a toddler?
143
00:07:15,610 --> 00:07:18,013
Oh some nice frocks in here.
Come on and have a look,
144
00:07:18,101 --> 00:07:19,845
- choose something.
- I'll wait out here.
145
00:07:48,875 --> 00:07:50,208
How much is this one?
146
00:07:50,296 --> 00:07:52,274
That's £2,500.
147
00:07:53,227 --> 00:07:55,512
- It's a bit much.
- Yes.
148
00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:01,071
- Are there any of these that are...
- It's all very expensive.
149
00:08:01,173 --> 00:08:03,239
I don't think
you can afford anything.
150
00:08:04,690 --> 00:08:06,697
How do you know
what I can afford?
151
00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:10,198
Just a hunch.
152
00:08:11,019 --> 00:08:12,777
Hunching hunch...
153
00:08:13,685 --> 00:08:14,769
Nothing.
154
00:08:26,023 --> 00:08:28,338
- Nothing in there?
- No, nothing. Come on, let's go.
155
00:08:28,485 --> 00:08:31,063
- Where are we going now?
- Somewhere, just anywhere else.
156
00:08:31,151 --> 00:08:32,222
What are you looking for?
157
00:08:32,266 --> 00:08:34,947
A place where people
aren't quite as rude.
158
00:08:35,035 --> 00:08:37,291
- Who was rude?
- Her, in there!
159
00:08:37,379 --> 00:08:38,083
What happened?
160
00:08:38,112 --> 00:08:41,804
She just looked at me like I shouldn't
be there, like I was a piece of dirt.
161
00:08:43,329 --> 00:08:44,266
Come on.
162
00:09:00,955 --> 00:09:01,995
Good day.
163
00:09:02,362 --> 00:09:04,457
My friend here
was looking for a dress.
164
00:09:04,515 --> 00:09:07,358
I wonder if we could help her
with that Gold card.
165
00:09:07,402 --> 00:09:09,453
- I'm sure we can.
- Good.
166
00:09:09,585 --> 00:09:11,636
I think she was looking at this one.
167
00:09:11,739 --> 00:09:14,039
Oh, wonderful.
How much is that?
168
00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:16,603
£2,500.
169
00:09:20,149 --> 00:09:22,683
- Do you want that?
- Yeah.
170
00:09:23,049 --> 00:09:26,478
- If you don't want it, don't have it.
- No, I want it.
171
00:09:27,225 --> 00:09:29,657
I can definitely afford it,
it's just a matter of...
172
00:09:29,738 --> 00:09:31,496
Is it the right dress?
173
00:09:35,980 --> 00:09:37,474
Could we bring it back?
174
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:39,760
If there's something wrong with it,
say, after this coming Sunday?
175
00:09:39,804 --> 00:09:40,888
We don't do refunds.
176
00:09:42,251 --> 00:09:43,584
But if it didn't fit?
177
00:09:43,731 --> 00:09:46,295
- Well, she should try it on.
- I know. What if she got fat?
178
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:48,405
- By Sunday?
- No. What if...
179
00:09:48,537 --> 00:09:51,673
the stitch in there was to be
pulled apart slightly.
180
00:09:51,936 --> 00:09:54,280
Just kind of apart.
Just normal...
181
00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:56,222
Wear and tear. The...
182
00:09:56,412 --> 00:09:58,492
Sweat rot,
under the old armpit.
183
00:09:59,379 --> 00:10:02,001
Cuts through the old stitches.
184
00:10:02,177 --> 00:10:03,276
Could we...
185
00:10:03,788 --> 00:10:07,290
Let's make absolutely sure, okay?
Always good to be sure.
186
00:10:07,364 --> 00:10:08,522
Sorry about this.
187
00:10:08,711 --> 00:10:09,898
You're not thinking.
188
00:10:10,308 --> 00:10:14,132
I'm gonna ask you a question now.
Consider the answer.
189
00:10:15,188 --> 00:10:19,891
Do you really want me to spend
£2,500 on that dress?
190
00:10:21,386 --> 00:10:22,397
She does!
191
00:10:24,170 --> 00:10:26,455
We all learnt a lesson today.
192
00:10:30,104 --> 00:10:31,746
There's a chance it won't fit.
193
00:10:33,152 --> 00:10:35,115
It's not even tax deductible.
194
00:10:38,031 --> 00:10:39,160
Do you do...
195
00:10:39,775 --> 00:10:41,475
celebrity discount?
196
00:10:41,650 --> 00:10:44,200
- I don't know who she is.
- She's nobody!
197
00:10:44,522 --> 00:10:46,031
You having a laugh?
198
00:10:46,251 --> 00:10:48,507
No, we don't do discount.
199
00:10:48,632 --> 00:10:50,998
Not "are you having a laugh".
Watch this and comprehend.
200
00:10:51,071 --> 00:10:52,800
Are you having a laugh?
201
00:10:53,826 --> 00:10:55,189
Does no one here know...
202
00:10:55,292 --> 00:10:56,933
Is she having a laugh?
203
00:10:57,519 --> 00:10:59,863
- Oh, yeah, you're from that sitcom.
- Correct.
204
00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:01,181
Any good?
205
00:11:01,430 --> 00:11:02,441
Not really.
206
00:11:02,573 --> 00:11:05,269
It's a bit broad.
Relies on catch-phrases and funny wigs.
207
00:11:05,343 --> 00:11:06,779
Sorry, did I ask for a critique?
208
00:11:06,852 --> 00:11:09,006
's like coming round to the store and
me saying you ain't swept up right, mate.
209
00:11:09,056 --> 00:11:10,097
Unbelievable.
210
00:11:10,239 --> 00:11:12,115
So you don't do
celebrity discount?
211
00:11:12,334 --> 00:11:14,166
Not 1%?
Can you give me 1%?
212
00:11:14,239 --> 00:11:17,155
Okay, I'll do you a 1% discount.
213
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,283
What's that?
214
00:11:18,371 --> 00:11:21,404
On 2, 500?
25£.
215
00:11:21,536 --> 00:11:22,986
Not worth it.
216
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:25,580
I'd rather you stuck it on,
if anything.
217
00:11:25,829 --> 00:11:28,862
Well, shall we just leave it as it is?
218
00:11:32,277 --> 00:11:34,181
That's your Christmas and birthday!
219
00:11:35,222 --> 00:11:37,053
Never have spent that much.
220
00:11:43,310 --> 00:11:46,269
Those are £600.
They're very expensive.
221
00:11:46,812 --> 00:11:48,746
I was laughing they weren't
expensive enough.
222
00:11:48,819 --> 00:11:51,236
That's what tickled me
when I first saw the 600...
223
00:11:51,397 --> 00:11:52,598
What do you think?
224
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,401
- Do you think it's alright?
- Yeah.
225
00:12:00,658 --> 00:12:02,079
Can I get it?
226
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,060
- Will you win tonight?
- Oh, it's just...
227
00:12:31,163 --> 00:12:33,903
- flattering to be nominated.
- Is that your girlfriend?
228
00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:34,856
Alright.
229
00:12:34,929 --> 00:12:37,595
Always tell journalists the truth,
let them change the facts later.
230
00:12:37,683 --> 00:12:39,310
And who are you wearing?
231
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:40,732
Maggie.
232
00:12:40,878 --> 00:12:42,549
- No.
- Who are you wearing?
233
00:12:42,607 --> 00:12:43,633
Maggie Jacobs.
234
00:12:43,728 --> 00:12:45,916
- No, whose dress is that?
- Me.
235
00:12:45,991 --> 00:12:47,856
Okay, thank you,
she won the competition.
236
00:12:47,918 --> 00:12:50,136
Don't speak to anyone else tonight.
Not even to me.
237
00:12:56,824 --> 00:12:59,015
Toby Anstis.
238
00:12:59,355 --> 00:13:00,893
Have you ever eaten a worm?
239
00:13:01,450 --> 00:13:03,442
I don't even know
what a "worrum" is.
240
00:13:03,546 --> 00:13:06,520
There's a 'R' in it.
You should prrronounce it.
241
00:13:06,594 --> 00:13:08,308
Old girlfriend.
242
00:13:10,491 --> 00:13:13,084
- You alright?
- I'm good, thanks.
243
00:13:13,451 --> 00:13:17,202
- You do well!
- Yeah, all downhill for me.
244
00:13:21,305 --> 00:13:22,609
Were you...
245
00:13:25,876 --> 00:13:28,733
Are you BAFTA tonight?
246
00:13:28,807 --> 00:13:31,913
Yeah, as part of "The Hobby".
247
00:13:31,972 --> 00:13:35,049
- Good luck with...
- Thanks.
248
00:13:35,723 --> 00:13:37,877
- And good luck to you.
- Absolutely.
249
00:13:41,936 --> 00:13:46,376
- Yeah, I'll see you later.
- Good luck with the...
250
00:13:47,563 --> 00:13:49,673
- Good luck.
- See you later. Cheers.
251
00:13:51,973 --> 00:13:54,479
- Who was that?
- The most boring woman in the world.
252
00:13:54,537 --> 00:13:56,222
Really?
How do you know her?
253
00:13:56,267 --> 00:13:59,021
I went out with her for a while
when I was an extra on Holby City.
254
00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:01,131
- And she dumped you?
- No, I dumped her!
255
00:14:01,190 --> 00:14:02,963
- You dumped her?
- Yes.
256
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:04,560
- Really?
- Yes, it does happen.
257
00:14:04,633 --> 00:14:06,494
- When was this?
- Couple of years ago.
258
00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:09,108
Was it before or after you lost
your virginity to the one
259
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:12,156
- that looked like Ronnie Corbett?
- After, obviously! It was 2 years ago.
260
00:14:12,214 --> 00:14:15,343
So you lost your virginity
a long time ago then, did you?
261
00:14:15,416 --> 00:14:17,160
- I'm in my fourties!
- I know, but when?
262
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:19,401
- A long time ago!
- That's exactly... What age?
263
00:14:19,460 --> 00:14:21,453
- I don't know.
- What, sixteen?
264
00:14:21,805 --> 00:14:23,168
Seventeen?
265
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:26,280
Were you older than that?
266
00:14:26,353 --> 00:14:29,283
What is it with all these questions?
I lost my virginity, full stop!
267
00:14:29,621 --> 00:14:31,716
Why were you attracted
to Ronnie Corbet?
268
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,309
I wasn't. She started
to look like Ronnie Corbett.
269
00:14:34,823 --> 00:14:37,621
It was the bank's Christmas do,
I was drunk, alright?
270
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:39,892
At the bank's Christmas do?
271
00:14:40,185 --> 00:14:42,281
But you didn't start working
until you were 28.
272
00:14:42,369 --> 00:14:44,244
Who are you, Columbo?
273
00:14:44,743 --> 00:14:45,930
Leave it!
274
00:14:48,831 --> 00:14:52,362
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage...
275
00:14:52,420 --> 00:14:55,101
Davina McCall!
276
00:15:04,742 --> 00:15:08,712
Good evening, and welcome to the
British Academy Television Awards.
277
00:15:08,771 --> 00:15:10,251
And in front of me,
278
00:15:10,338 --> 00:15:13,415
our whole host of understandbly
anxious stars wondering
279
00:15:13,488 --> 00:15:17,276
whether they're going to walk away
with that most coveted of awards,
280
00:15:17,349 --> 00:15:19,019
the BAFTA mask.
281
00:15:19,151 --> 00:15:23,019
Now, to our first category
this evening, it is the...
282
00:15:27,328 --> 00:15:30,595
I also want to thank
our inspiring and bossy...
283
00:15:30,683 --> 00:15:34,713
...goes to... Oh, my favourite,
"Jamie's Prison Dinners"!
284
00:15:35,313 --> 00:15:39,401
...terrific production team.
You are family and thanks...
285
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:44,192
...newspaper, our TV news rooms
have to remain impartial...
286
00:15:48,075 --> 00:15:52,325
The winner is...
"The woman who gave birth to herself!"
287
00:15:52,522 --> 00:15:56,492
The white in my eyeline,
on all fours,
288
00:15:56,565 --> 00:15:59,305
- like a dog...
- The BAFTA goes to...
289
00:15:59,437 --> 00:16:01,870
"South Bank Show,
Dick & Dom special".
290
00:16:16,053 --> 00:16:18,368
- Everything alright here?
- We could do with...
291
00:16:18,471 --> 00:16:20,903
some more wine please, waiter.
292
00:16:21,401 --> 00:16:24,185
Comedy gold.
Absolute comedy gold.
293
00:16:24,288 --> 00:16:28,639
No, I'm actually here
in official capacity
294
00:16:28,728 --> 00:16:31,453
for the Best Drama nomination.
295
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:34,273
For Paul Abbott's,
"Cock of the North".
296
00:16:34,742 --> 00:16:37,028
- I imagine you saw it.
- I didn't.
297
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,226
I had quite a large part.
298
00:16:39,314 --> 00:16:41,321
It was good, you know.
Best Drama.
299
00:16:41,423 --> 00:16:44,031
The Holy Grail.
BAFTAs.
300
00:16:44,881 --> 00:16:48,881
And you're... of course,
you're here with your sitcom.
301
00:16:49,716 --> 00:16:51,592
- Good luck.
- And you, mate.
302
00:16:51,665 --> 00:16:55,298
It deserves, you know, it's...
I understand it's very popular.
303
00:16:55,401 --> 00:16:56,250
Good luck, mate.
304
00:16:57,114 --> 00:16:59,070
- I'd better get back.
- See you later.
305
00:16:59,206 --> 00:17:00,982
Drams crowds, as it were.
306
00:17:03,741 --> 00:17:05,526
- Catch you later.
- Cheers, mate.
307
00:17:09,681 --> 00:17:12,670
Many of you at home
and in this room
308
00:17:12,758 --> 00:17:15,659
probably don't recognise
Len Shearman.
309
00:17:15,791 --> 00:17:18,165
But you certainly
recognize his work.
310
00:17:18,282 --> 00:17:22,048
Len was one of the most influential
and passionate drama producers
311
00:17:22,121 --> 00:17:23,704
in the history of television.
312
00:17:23,791 --> 00:17:24,759
Excuse me.
313
00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:36,848
Oh, for f...
314
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,950
- Sorry I'm a bit late...
- Shut up!
315
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:42,782
Richard Briers!
316
00:17:45,016 --> 00:17:47,419
I'm a bit a late cause
I was waiting for this,
317
00:17:47,488 --> 00:17:50,256
which is the prototype
of the Ray doll.
318
00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:51,517
I don't care.
319
00:17:56,113 --> 00:17:57,505
There he is.
320
00:17:57,607 --> 00:17:59,058
Who's gonna buy that?
321
00:17:59,190 --> 00:18:00,874
Like I said before, stupid people.
322
00:18:00,991 --> 00:18:03,892
- Who are these stupid people?
- That's brilliant, can you buy them?
323
00:18:03,937 --> 00:18:05,402
You'll be able to buy them.
324
00:18:07,468 --> 00:18:08,801
What're you doing?
325
00:18:11,072 --> 00:18:13,080
I was with Len...
326
00:18:13,797 --> 00:18:16,318
only a few days before the end.
327
00:18:16,391 --> 00:18:17,636
Is he having a laugh?
328
00:18:17,709 --> 00:18:19,687
And he didn't have long...
329
00:18:20,669 --> 00:18:22,222
Just take the batteries out.
330
00:18:22,940 --> 00:18:25,328
I need a tiny screwdriver...
331
00:18:25,416 --> 00:18:29,929
His wife...
He leaves his lovely wife...
332
00:18:53,137 --> 00:18:54,910
Tacky shit!
333
00:19:13,007 --> 00:19:14,516
Don't do that.
334
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:21,953
Put the trousers on.
335
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:39,316
Andy's friend, Maggie.
336
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,524
He didn't introduce us, so hello.
337
00:19:45,147 --> 00:19:47,140
God, you two used to go out!
338
00:19:47,198 --> 00:19:48,224
For about ten minutes.
339
00:19:48,283 --> 00:19:51,023
Why did he let you go?
Look at you, all lovely!
340
00:19:51,814 --> 00:19:53,294
Bit of a catch for him.
341
00:19:53,338 --> 00:19:55,521
A man that didn't lose his virginity
'til he was 20
342
00:19:55,580 --> 00:19:57,953
and that was to a woman
who looked like Ronnie Corbett.
343
00:20:01,307 --> 00:20:04,443
What did you say when he said
he couldn't go out with you anymore
344
00:20:04,501 --> 00:20:06,333
'cause he thought you were boring?
345
00:20:10,025 --> 00:20:12,384
He said it was
because I was boring?
346
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:20,193
He told me it was because he just
came out of a long-term relationship,
347
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:22,201
he wasn't ready for something else.
348
00:20:23,285 --> 00:20:25,922
Not boring.
He didn't say you were boring.
349
00:20:26,054 --> 00:20:27,797
He said that the BAF...
350
00:20:28,090 --> 00:20:30,889
The ceremony, the clapping...
351
00:20:30,992 --> 00:20:34,699
That it was gonna be boring, 'cause...
352
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:50,521
Coming up, we have the prestigious
BAFTA Fellowship, but first,
353
00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:52,866
the award for Comedy Performance,
354
00:20:52,954 --> 00:20:56,455
to please will you welcome
Harry Hill!
355
00:21:05,818 --> 00:21:08,185
Commiserations again, Andy.
356
00:21:08,235 --> 00:21:10,407
I knew I wouldn't win.
I'm not into the awards anyway...
357
00:21:10,481 --> 00:21:13,686
Still, it's nice to have some
recognition from one's peers, isn't it?
358
00:21:13,759 --> 00:21:16,074
Listen, it's not really
my business, but...
359
00:21:16,176 --> 00:21:18,711
Have you considered doing something
without a laughter track?
360
00:21:18,785 --> 00:21:20,462
They're considered rather
old-fashioned.
361
00:21:20,521 --> 00:21:22,946
You know, if you wanna pick up
one of these old gongs.
362
00:21:23,020 --> 00:21:25,276
Not bothered, as I say.
Not in it for the awards...
363
00:21:25,349 --> 00:21:29,394
But wigs and silly glasses?
A bit undignified for men of our age.
364
00:21:29,482 --> 00:21:32,368
- We're not the same age, but... Cheers.
- Looks a bit desperate.
365
00:21:32,529 --> 00:21:35,255
- Is all I'm saying.
- I don't feel desperate.
366
00:21:35,299 --> 00:21:38,610
As I say, it's a knock-about comedy.
I'm not into high arts.
367
00:21:38,669 --> 00:21:40,500
But as Oscar Wilde
so wonderfully put it,
368
00:21:40,603 --> 00:21:44,471
"we're all in the gutter, but
some of us are looking at the stars."
369
00:21:44,765 --> 00:21:47,285
It was probably about
men's trousers, the old puff.
370
00:21:47,373 --> 00:21:48,501
Sorry?
371
00:21:49,117 --> 00:21:52,230
He was looking at the...
stars, yeah.
372
00:21:52,362 --> 00:21:55,058
That's right. I'm off to look at
some stars myself right now.
373
00:21:55,145 --> 00:21:56,537
You'll be seing stars in a minute.
374
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,149
- What?
- Nothing.
375
00:21:58,823 --> 00:22:00,479
Why do you keep coming back in?
376
00:22:08,109 --> 00:22:09,823
Come in here,
it's all kicking off in here.
377
00:22:09,860 --> 00:22:11,164
I'm not coming in there.
378
00:22:12,615 --> 00:22:14,065
What are you doing? What?
379
00:22:17,596 --> 00:22:18,695
Who's that?
380
00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:24,672
How you doing, alright?
381
00:22:25,302 --> 00:22:27,002
He's one of us, don't worry.
382
00:22:27,075 --> 00:22:28,248
I'm not into this.
383
00:22:28,321 --> 00:22:31,281
Just have a little bit,
it'll cheer you up.
384
00:22:31,530 --> 00:22:33,230
What's going on in there?
385
00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:36,790
I'm just finishing up,
excuse me for five minutes!
386
00:22:36,864 --> 00:22:38,461
Why're you doing
a woman's voice?
387
00:22:38,505 --> 00:22:40,175
How many people
are in there?
388
00:22:40,571 --> 00:22:42,989
- One.
- That's a different voice!
389
00:22:43,267 --> 00:22:45,480
Two, including the woman
you just heard.
390
00:22:45,538 --> 00:22:46,915
Open the door.
391
00:22:51,955 --> 00:22:54,944
Let me explain.
I was here and I was leaving,
392
00:22:55,017 --> 00:22:58,460
- and he... That's my agent.
- Darren Lamb, nice to meet you.
393
00:22:58,724 --> 00:23:01,514
You shouldn't say your name,
never tell'em your name.
394
00:23:04,373 --> 00:23:06,614
Well, he knows who...
395
00:23:12,411 --> 00:23:13,882
It was your fault.
396
00:23:13,948 --> 00:23:14,740
Why?
397
00:23:14,842 --> 00:23:17,897
Because he saw your head
over the cubicle door.
398
00:23:17,955 --> 00:23:19,684
They saw your head
under the door.
399
00:23:19,757 --> 00:23:22,365
There's no point in
argumenting ourselves with...
400
00:23:24,108 --> 00:23:26,233
Well, well, well...
The three Stooges.
401
00:23:26,307 --> 00:23:27,435
Sorry, something funny?
402
00:23:27,508 --> 00:23:29,178
- Your joke...
- Shut up.
403
00:23:30,614 --> 00:23:31,596
Corbett.
404
00:23:32,402 --> 00:23:34,395
It's always bloody Corbett.
405
00:23:35,142 --> 00:23:36,753
It's expected of him.
406
00:23:37,025 --> 00:23:39,047
You're the new kid
on the block, aren't you?
407
00:23:39,091 --> 00:23:40,878
How did you fall in
with this crowd?
408
00:23:43,516 --> 00:23:46,050
Is this it?
Or is there any more?
409
00:23:50,475 --> 00:23:53,259
Just a bit of whizz you know,
to blow away the cobwebs.
410
00:23:53,332 --> 00:23:55,003
Hand it over.
411
00:23:55,999 --> 00:23:57,450
Where did you get it?
412
00:23:59,047 --> 00:23:59,941
Don't remember.
413
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,315
Don't piss me up, Grandma.
Where did you get it?
414
00:24:03,062 --> 00:24:04,425
Don't remember.
415
00:24:05,421 --> 00:24:07,165
Is it Moira Stuart?
416
00:24:08,278 --> 00:24:09,861
I can't say.
417
00:24:10,696 --> 00:24:12,132
Look, we don't want you.
418
00:24:12,513 --> 00:24:15,062
Just give us a name,
and you can walk free.
419
00:24:15,268 --> 00:24:17,905
You don't get it, mate, do you?
I don't remember!
420
00:24:17,978 --> 00:24:20,030
Alright, here's something
you will remember.
421
00:24:20,132 --> 00:24:21,876
You're banned from BAFTA.
422
00:24:21,992 --> 00:24:23,545
You can never win a BAFTA now.
423
00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:25,963
- What, me as well?
- Yeah, all of you.
424
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,190
You can never attend
any of our varied events,
425
00:24:28,249 --> 00:24:31,780
you can't come to the Film BAFTAs,
you can't come to the TV BAFTAs.
426
00:24:31,898 --> 00:24:33,920
You can't even come
to the Children's BAFTAs.
427
00:24:34,037 --> 00:24:35,898
What about Welsh BAFTAs?
428
00:24:35,986 --> 00:24:38,316
Would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs
if you were asked?
429
00:24:38,403 --> 00:24:44,206
Probably.
Okay, expect a call.
He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs
if you want.
430
00:24:44,279 --> 00:24:47,371
Yeah, we're after... you know,
more respected comedians.
431
00:24:47,488 --> 00:24:48,675
Makes sense.
432
00:24:48,777 --> 00:24:51,810
Get out of my sight.
That's all of you, yeah?
433
00:24:51,986 --> 00:24:53,582
"Makes sense"?
434
00:24:55,544 --> 00:24:57,248
I reckon I could've
had him in a fight.
435
00:24:57,309 --> 00:24:58,881
You f... idiot.
436
00:25:01,553 --> 00:25:03,678
And the winner is...
437
00:25:04,256 --> 00:25:05,926
"Holby City"!
438
00:25:21,158 --> 00:25:23,869
Thank you all,
very very much indeed.
439
00:25:24,015 --> 00:25:25,554
I'd like to thank...
440
00:25:25,642 --> 00:25:27,591
Is that the girl
you lost your virgnity to?
441
00:25:27,708 --> 00:25:28,206
Who?
442
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,507
That one that looks
like Ronnie Corbett.
443
00:25:31,092 --> 00:25:32,880
That is Ronnie Corbett.
444
00:25:34,417 --> 00:25:36,997
Why would she be wearing a tuxedo?
445
00:25:37,055 --> 00:25:38,784
She might be a lesbian.
446
00:25:39,076 --> 00:25:41,904
And why would I lose
my virginity to a lesbian?
447
00:25:42,102 --> 00:25:45,457
Don't know, but she might have turned
lesbian after you slept with her.
448
00:25:46,724 --> 00:25:49,919
...on a personal note, thank you
to my partner, once again...
449
00:25:50,036 --> 00:25:52,761
Well, I can never win a BAFTA,
as long as I live.
450
00:25:52,849 --> 00:25:54,828
- Why?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
451
00:25:54,916 --> 00:25:57,450
This is a shitty night.
Can't get any worse, though.
452
00:25:57,524 --> 00:26:00,660
I'd just like to say
to Andy Millman...
453
00:26:00,909 --> 00:26:02,594
Right?
454
00:26:02,901 --> 00:26:04,879
I may be boring,
455
00:26:06,081 --> 00:26:10,227
but at least I didn't lose
my virginity when I was 28!
456
00:26:11,618 --> 00:26:14,768
To a woman that looks like
Ronnie fucking Corbett!
457
00:26:18,416 --> 00:26:19,852
Prick!
458
00:26:22,754 --> 00:26:24,571
No explanations needed.
459
00:26:24,761 --> 00:26:26,271
What's up next?
460
00:26:26,725 --> 00:26:30,462
Huw Wheldon Award for
Specialist Factual. Brilliant.
461
00:26:41,141 --> 00:26:43,911
Subtitles: Quarkienette & Nathbot
462
00:26:43,969 --> 00:26:47,134
www.seriessub.com
Watch the credits till the end ;)
463
00:27:08,622 --> 00:27:11,010
- Can we get a cab?
- No, we walk.
464
00:27:11,127 --> 00:27:11,977
I'm joking.
465
00:27:12,109 --> 00:27:14,028
Sell the dress,
we can get a limo.
466
00:27:14,145 --> 00:27:15,596
Can I get an autograph, please?
467
00:27:17,603 --> 00:27:19,025
Jay Sproten.
468
00:27:23,011 --> 00:27:24,593
(Moira Stuart)
0
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net