1 00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:08,431 Oh, it says here I'm going to meet a handsome man with bags of personality. 2 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:10,516 I told you, I'm married. 3 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:14,074 I still can't believe you got somebody to marry you. 4 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,993 Don't be too amazed. You haven't seen her. 5 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,598 RAY: Bloody hell, Kimberley. Are you still doing that timesheet? 6 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:24,240 -Hurry up. -It's complicated, Mr Stokes. 7 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:27,312 Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh? 8 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,311 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 9 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,073 You know it gives me a headache if it's too hard. 10 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:35,311 Funny. That's what the wife said to me yesterday. 11 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:39,228 I said, "Don't flatter yourself, love. That's not hard. It died years ago. 12 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,072 "That's rigor mortis."' 13 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,233 Andy Millman as Ray Stokes 14 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:47,471 in a scene from BBC One's new sitcom When The Whistle Blows. 15 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,154 The catchphrase is "Are you having a laugh?" Did you, Germaine Greer? 16 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:54,392 Oh, for goodness sake, why me? Why do you make me watch this stuff? 17 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:59,474 This was sexist, misogynistic, Neanderthal garbage. 18 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:04,031 It was nothing but really nasty sub Carry On innuendo. 19 00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:10,793 And it seems that this talentless Millman individual also wrote the script. Wrote? 20 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:14,350 -It's supposed to have a writer? -I think he needs a defender. Mark Kermode. 21 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:17,432 I think Germaine's being flattering about it. I thought it was absolutely horrible. 22 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:19,556 Oh, I get the idea. They all seemed to like it. 23 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,392 No, I don't think so. I think they're slagging you off. 24 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,833 Yeah. I'm being sarcastic. 25 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,037 Everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. 26 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,919 Why did Germaine Greer and all those feminists burn their bras? 27 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,149 What was going on there? 28 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,233 Well, it was a symbolic gesture to suggest emancipation from a patriarchal society. 29 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,197 But I thought a bra was supposed to help a lady, 30 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,429 stop her getting backache, or whatever. 31 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,192 You couldn't tell them at the time. They were furious. 32 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:40,838 I bet they're kicking themselves now, aren't they? 33 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:42,638 I bet their boobs are all saggy round their ankles. 34 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,790 Sorry. Can we concentrate on the matter at hand? 35 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:46,233 I was going to say, the weird thing is 36 00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,038 that the worse the reviews are, the better the ratings. 37 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,270 It's strange. I was thinking about all those people that are making 38 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,113 really great programmes, but not getting half the audience that you're getting, 39 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,952 and thinking, "Oh, wouldn't it be great to work with them 40 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,837 "'cause they get a load of critical respect and everything."' 41 00:01:56,920 --> 00:02:00,230 Then I thought, "No, I'd much prefer working with you because you've," erm... 42 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,276 "You've sold out."' Do you know what I mean? 43 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,554 We're all making a fast buck now, which is great, 44 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,517 because I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. 45 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,556 I do want to be doing this for the rest of my life, actually. 46 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,234 Do you know how exhausting it is getting panned by the critics every week? 47 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:14,279 I've got no respect and why should I have? I'm not an actor. I shout a catchphrase. 48 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,272 Do you know why I got into acting in the first place? Robert De Niro. 49 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:22,195 Do you think he'd be impressed with wigs, shouting the same thing every week? No. 50 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:24,874 He's got a body of work he can look back on and be proud of. 51 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,474 That's what I want. Get me something I can be proud of. 52 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,279 -Has anything classy come in? -Well, funny you should say that. 53 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,352 BBC are doing more of those modern adaptations of Shakespeare. 54 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:34,589 Right. 55 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:38,229 -Doing King Lear. -Okay. Who's playing Lear? 56 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:39,992 -Robson Green. -No. 57 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:43,354 Get me some real Shakespeare. Get me any play. 58 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:45,510 A play always sorts out an actor whose career's struggling, 59 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,239 or they always pretend it was their first love and they do a bit of theatre 60 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:52,438 and it gives them a bit of cred. Get me a play. The play's the thing. 61 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,358 I'm going to write down play, Bar, all right? 62 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,830 I'm going to put this in an email so you remember as well. 63 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:01,749 I've got the worst management in the world. Do you know what I mean? 64 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,990 -Yeah. -I'm successful now. 65 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,275 I'm still surrounded by the D team. I want the A Team. 66 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:10,194 It's hard though, isn't it? I mean, they're hiding in the Los Angeles underground, so... 67 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,396 -Not The A-Team. -That's what you said. 68 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,948 No. They're fictional characters. 69 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,110 I thought it was a bit weird you mentioned them. 70 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,111 -I didn't. I meant the phrase. -What phrase? 71 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,839 The A team. It means the best possible people for the job, doesn't it? 72 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:23,831 What about The Six Million Dollar Man? Was that a phrase? 73 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,434 No. That was very specific to him because he cost six million dollars. 74 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,829 No, no, no. That could have been a phrase. 75 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,639 Like, "Oh, look at him. He's a right old six million dollar man, isn't he?" 76 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:32,994 When would you ever say that? 77 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,674 If you saw a man that could run fast and see really well out of one eye. 78 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,558 What's the chance of that? What is the chance of that ever happening? 79 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,154 I don't know. I didn't make up the phrase, did l? 80 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:44,437 -It's not a phrase. It's, oh... -See you down there. 81 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:45,873 See you later. 82 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,111 Oh, Liza, before you go, could you sign that picture for me? 83 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,315 Yeah. 84 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,915 What's your name again, love? 85 00:03:57,440 --> 00:04:00,318 Don't worry about it. If you can't remember my name, it really doesn't matter. 86 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,517 No. I've just forgotten 'cause there's so many people. 87 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,910 Right. So have you forgotten his name, then? 88 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,631 Or do you remember the actors, but not the little people? 89 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,075 I've been doing your hair and make-up for five weeks! 90 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:17,392 -I'm very sorry. I just... -It's fine, it's fine. Doesn't matter. 91 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:21,439 -I've got a terrible memory. -Don't worry about it. Don't worry. 92 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,235 Okay. 93 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:25,789 Sorry. 94 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:35,998 God. What a bitch. 95 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,911 Do you know, it's always the same with some of these people. 96 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,753 "Oh, I'm on the telly, so I'm more important than the fucking crew."' 97 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,115 -Makes me sick. -I know. What can you do? 98 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,713 (MOUTHS) 99 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,552 -Oh, Andy, by the way. -Yeah. 100 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,676 Can you sign me a picture? 101 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,432 Can you sign that? 102 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,512 -This one? -Yeah. 103 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,398 (CLEARING THROAT) 104 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,394 -Who's it to? -Oh, it's just to me. 105 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,148 Uh... 106 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,915 What shall I put, though? To...? 107 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:20,111 To me and, I don't know, best wishes or whatever. 108 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:26,829 Erm... 109 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,116 -What? Do you not want to sign that? -No, with pleasure. It's just... 110 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,510 I was just thinking, erm, I don't want to spell your name wrong. 111 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,876 -How are you spelling it? -Oh, it's just the usual. 112 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:44,954 Okay, let's go for it. Erm, oh, can't do it with that, though. 113 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,837 Let me go to the dressing room. I've got a magic marker. 114 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:49,593 -Oh, I've got a magic marker. -Have you? 115 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,279 In my bag. 116 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,797 Thanks. Right... 117 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,438 Let's start with me first. 118 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:04,230 Andy Millman. Work backwards. Best wishes. 119 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,754 I mean that, "To..."' 120 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,037 and then your name. 121 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,157 Oh, right, sorry. Before we do that. 122 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:18,199 Sorry about this, must... No, hold on. 123 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:22,479 Let me do this and we can get on with it. 124 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:24,868 Good. 125 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,279 -Do you want to get this done? -Yep. 126 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:28,954 I'm really conscious of time. I've got to get back down to the set. 127 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,235 Right, yeah, no. No, I know. 128 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,638 What's your name? 129 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:43,750 Well, you'll see what it is now because Andy is about to write it down. 130 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:48,508 -Oh. -Oh, stop blowing. 131 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,477 -Well... -You don't know my name, do you? 132 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:54,030 -It's not that I don't know it. -Yeah? What is it, then? 133 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,079 -What, in this context? -Oh, forget it. 134 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,116 Honestly, forget it. It doesn't matter. 135 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,795 I've got to get down to set. Just unbelievable. 136 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,711 Un-fucking-believable. 137 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:11,512 -She was upset. -Yes. She was. 138 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,679 You knew I didn't know her name. I said to you, "l don't know her name," 139 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:17,797 -so why did you give me the magic marker? -Just because you needed one. 140 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,917 No, no. That was an excuse to leave and ask someone her name, wasn't it? 141 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,788 That's clever! I'd never have thought to do that. 142 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,829 -What are you doing? -Smell that. Nice fabric conditioner. 143 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,918 I like smells. Do you know, I once had this bar of soap 144 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,595 and it smelt so nice that I bit into it because I wanted to see what it tasted like. 145 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,796 It just tasted of soap. 146 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,599 Andy, reception say they've got a guy here who says he knows you. 147 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,069 -Oh, God. Who is it? -He says he went to school with you. 148 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:50,991 -Steve Sherwood. -Steve Sherwood? 149 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:52,308 -Who is it? -That's what he said. 150 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:53,719 -What? He's here now? -Yeah. 151 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,358 -Can he come through? -Yeah. 152 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,079 -Hiya, can you send that guy up? -Who's that? 153 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,720 He was like the coolest kid in the school. Everyone wanted to be like him. 154 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:01,835 -Even you? -I suppose so. Yeah. 155 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,115 -What does he do now? -I think he's something big in the city... 156 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,634 -You could still do that! -I don't want to be like him now, do l? 157 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:10,872 I'm doing really well. He probably wants to be like me, if anything. 158 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,393 He definitely doesn't want to be like you. 159 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:19,110 Andy Pandy, you little fat poofter. Hey, poofter. 160 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,833 Hold on, hold on. You're with a pretty girl. 161 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,957 There can only be one explanation. Are you a prostitute, darling? 162 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,359 Pretty girl. 163 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,078 -So you're doing all right? -Yeah, not bad. 164 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,434 -Is this the missus? -No. 165 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:31,748 Why do you protest so much? 166 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,479 What, you find the idea so repulsive? She's an attractive lady. 167 00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:35,549 Stop it. 168 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:36,959 You know we always thought you were gay at school. 169 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,109 No, you didn't. Why? 170 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,997 -You never had a girlfriend. -Not in front of you, I didn't. 171 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:41,115 Oh, so you had a girlfriend, did you? 172 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,713 -Yes. -No, not until he was 28. 173 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,199 -28? -And she looked like Ronnie Corbett. 174 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,349 -Not this again. -Ronnie Corbett? 175 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,556 No, it's... Why do you think I'm gay? 176 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,312 -You don't, do you? I'm not... -Well, you are an actor. 177 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,073 -That is the gayest profession. -Yeah. I think rent boy's gayer. 178 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,276 -Yeah, well, I wouldn't know. -Well, of course it is... 179 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,670 Oh, you tell me, you seem to know all about rent boys. 180 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:01,196 Oh, I'm not gay. I never have been, I never will be. 181 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,393 Let's... 182 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,596 nip that in the bud. 183 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,989 Andy! Oh, for fuck's... What am I doing? 184 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:27,353 What are you sitting on that little chair for? 185 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,954 -Just, well, that one's dangerous. -What do you want? 186 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:31,439 Erm, the play. 187 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,990 -I was talking to one of my contacts. -You mean Barry from East Enders? 188 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,150 Yeah, and he's got a friend who's an actor 189 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,471 who's just had a meeting with Sir Ian McClellan, who's directing a new play. 190 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,039 So I put in some calls and you've got 191 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:43,917 -a meeting with McClellan on Wednesday. -Really? 192 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,958 -Yeah. -There's some nice birds round here. 193 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,155 Suppose so. 194 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,356 -Andy, we'll be ready in about five minutes. -Cheers. 195 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,670 -Five minutes is all I need. -What? 196 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,159 Steve Sherwood. What's your name? 197 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,992 -Susie. -Nice to meet you, Susie. 198 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,355 -What time do you finish here? -About 10:00. 199 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:00,829 Right, do you mind if I give you a call? 200 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,229 -Sure, okay. -What's your number? 201 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,716 -Speak to you later. -Okay. 202 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:19,912 Player. Respect, man. Darren Lamb, agent to Andy Millman. 203 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,309 -This is Steve Sherwood, friend of mine. -Are you a friend of his? 204 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,233 I don't think so. This guy's an absolute player. Respect again. 205 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,676 Listen, if we're talking about the honeys. There's a chick I've got my eye on actually. 206 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:30,910 -Who? -Her. 207 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,753 -Maggie. -Maggie? Forget it. 208 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,638 Yeah, from what I've heard, she's pretty easy. 209 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,075 Yeah. She's not that easy. Good luck. 210 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:39,991 How would you approach it? I mean, what sort of... 211 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:43,311 Just walk straight up to her and say, "I've been admiring you from afar for a long time 212 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,960 "and I haven't said anything, but I would love to take you out one night 213 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:47,712 "and see if we have as good a time as I think we will. 214 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,631 "Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" 215 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,039 -Bang. -Okay. 216 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,678 -Don't think about it. Just do it. -Just do it. 217 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:54,034 No. Don't do it, please. 218 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,759 -Well, he says do it. -Get over there. Go on. 219 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,432 Oh, look at him. 220 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,957 -Maggie, hello, sorry to... -Hi. 221 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,793 Erm, just wanted to let you know that I've been watching you secretly 222 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,839 without you knowing and I would be very keen to spend the night with you 223 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:14,357 and see if you enjoy it as much as I know I will and, erm, 224 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:18,752 happy to pay for it as well if, you know, for dinner, if you want to, if you eat dinner... 225 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,831 Obviously you eat dinner. 226 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,595 -Are you asking me out? -Yeah. 227 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,553 -What, and cook me dinner? -I can cook you dinner if you want, yeah. 228 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,039 -Can you cook? -Yes. 229 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,509 -Yeah, okay, then. -Really? 230 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:34,790 -Yeah. -Okay, cool. 231 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,839 -I'll give you a call, shall l? -Yeah. 232 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,352 -See you later. -Bye. 233 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,150 -What did she say? -She said yes. 234 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:50,313 Really? Oh, my God. It's worse than I thought. 235 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,437 -She's hit rock bottom. -Yes, she has. 236 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,559 Do you know what? I've never seen him even try and chat up a woman. 237 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,596 No, no, because I wouldn't do it in front of you, would l? 238 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,432 I'm actually beginning to think he might be a bit gay. 239 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,557 -Join the club. -No. Don't join any club because I'm not. 240 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,039 Sure, you could chat up a woman right now. 241 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:06,712 -Yes, if I wanted to. -Go on, then. 242 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,631 -I don't want to. -We've both done it. 243 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,792 -Go on. This one coming now, go on. -No, no, no, no. 244 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:14,030 (IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING) 245 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,473 Hi. 246 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,915 Hi, do you know what, er, time we finish tonight? 247 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,513 Oh, I don't know. About 10:00-ish, I think. 248 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,033 10:00, hey... 249 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,511 (SPLUTTERING) 250 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:40,470 Just wanted to know what time we finished. Cheers. That was unlucky. 251 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:41,959 (GASPING) 252 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,076 She answered me and everything. 10:00, she said. 253 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:47,630 You know, are you still... Sparkling. 254 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,637 She definitely noticed. 255 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,119 (COUGHING) 256 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:57,078 McKELLEN: Tilly, I thought she was interesting. 257 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,911 That... That's better. That one. 258 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,796 -Hello. -Hello, Andy Millman. 259 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,952 -Andy, do sit down. -It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir Ian. 260 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,113 Please, no titles in the workplace. Thank you. 261 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,509 Andy Millman. 262 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,671 Good, good. 263 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,557 Not much theatre work of late? 264 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,358 -No, no. -No, that's fine. 265 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,036 You're in good hands here. 266 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:28,957 How do I act so well? 267 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:35,072 What I do is I pretend to be 268 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:38,232 the person I'm portraying in the film or play. 269 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,035 Yeah. 270 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,315 -You're confused. It's perfectly simple. -No. 271 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,949 Case in point, Lord of the Rings. Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, 272 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,999 says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard."' 273 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:55,198 And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard."' 274 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,953 And he said, "Yes, I am aware of that. What I want you to do 275 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:07,149 "is to use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film."' 276 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,599 So I said, "Okay."' 277 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:13,753 And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how would I do that?" 278 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,431 And this is what I did. 279 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:22,153 I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard 280 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:26,036 and then I pretended 281 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,588 and acted in that way on the day. 282 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,280 -Yeah. -And how did I know what to say? 283 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,591 (WHISPERING) The words were written down for me in a script. 284 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,150 How did I know where to stand? People told me. 285 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:48,558 If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, 286 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:51,871 it would be something like this. Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action! 287 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:57,353 "Wizard, you shall not pass!" Cut. Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. 288 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,559 -Okay, do you see? -Yeah. 289 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,599 Now, you would be pretending to be John in this play. 290 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,192 And how would you know what to say? Well, the words will be in the script. 291 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,635 -Yeah. -And you would learn the words. 292 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,870 You would not have the script on the night. 293 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,269 And that goes for everybody. There will be no scripts on the night. 294 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,554 -You'll learn the words. -Yeah, l... 295 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,313 And you will speak them as if you were saying them for the first time. 296 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,709 -I didn't think we would have the script. -No, you won't. 297 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,155 Because if you did have the script, it would break the illusion 298 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:25,958 -and the whole thing is illusion. Do you see? -Of course. 299 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,190 -You are not really John. -No, I know. 300 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:31,829 You are pretending and that is acting. 301 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,433 What's the... 302 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,518 What's the play about? 303 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:48,879 It's a new play by Charley, Charley Heyward. And as I say, you would be the part of John. 304 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,632 And you're in love with Fran. 305 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:54,793 And the whole centrepiece of the play is the emotional confrontation 306 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:59,032 where the two of you address those unspoken feelings... 307 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,633 -Okay. -...that you've been bottling up. 308 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,154 -That sounds challenging. Yeah. -Oh, I hope so. 309 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,834 And, I don't know, is it anything that you'd be interested in? 310 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:09,674 -Oh, definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Great. 311 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,751 So let me introduce you to the team. 312 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,593 -There's Fran, who's your lover. -Yeah. 313 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:18,593 -Leslie. Leslie, this is Andy. -Good to meet you. 314 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:21,035 -You're Fran? Fran's a man? -Yes. 315 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:23,793 It can be because Fran Healy out of Travis. 316 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,238 -What? -Yep. 317 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,077 And our clever little writer, Charley. 318 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,639 Who's a woman! 319 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,510 -I'm Fran's lover in this? -Yes. Fran. 320 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:39,912 Can l... Can I have a quick look at the script just before... Yeah. 321 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,032 No one said anything about that... 322 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,678 And I don't know if you'd be happy to do this... 323 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,910 Yeah. I just want to... 324 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,877 We thought we might do a little workshop 325 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,190 of some of the lines, you know, get it up on its feet. 326 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,714 Kick it around a bit, I don't know. Do you have time for that? 327 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,870 -Yeah. Yeah. -Andy? 328 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,279 Can I get you something? 329 00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,555 -Some water, cup of tea? -Yeah, yeah. Tea. 330 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:03,235 -George, will you get Andy a cup of tea? -Yeah, no problem. 331 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,117 George. Of course. 332 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,712 All right? 333 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,231 Moron. 334 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,072 -What? Are you talking to me? -Yeah, I'm talking to you. 335 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,833 -Why didn't you tell me it was a gay play? -What... What gay? 336 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,797 The play I'm in that you got me, A Month Of Summers. 337 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:23,111 It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay with another gay, acting all gay, 338 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,636 all through the play. It's... It's so gay. 339 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:32,428 Do not worry. Do you know why? Gay, my friend, is all the rage. 340 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,556 -What does that mean? -Let me tell you what it means. 341 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,837 It will show you are sensitive. It will show that you are versatile, all right? 342 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:41,799 Case in point, Mr Thomas Hanks, okay? Now people weren't interested in Tom Hanks 343 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:43,518 and suddenly he does that film, Philadelphia, yeah. 344 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:47,070 Remember in that film he played a skinny little bent fellow, remember? 345 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,720 After that, everyone loved him. Do you know what I mean? 346 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,950 Or those two guys from Brokeback Mountain. They're not even gay. 347 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,600 I was watching that, right, and they were getting off with each other. 348 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:55,829 Oh, I was sick to the stomach. 349 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,558 They were so convincing that even though I was going, 350 00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,039 "They're not really queer, they're not really queer," 351 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:02,396 I was still repulsed because of how good they were. 352 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,828 When did you go and see Brokeback Mountain? 353 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,195 I watched it on DVD with Bar. 354 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:12,713 I don't know. 355 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,150 (BOYS KEEP SWINGING PLAYING) 356 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:38,396 John, I love you. 357 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:41,794 I know. 358 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:44,478 Yes. That's lovely. 359 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,154 Thanks. 360 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,279 Hi. Can I just check there are some tickets for, uh, 361 00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,157 my colleagues from the BBC who should be coming down. 362 00:18:57,240 --> 00:19:00,357 Damon Beesley plus one and lain Morris plus one. 363 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,552 -Yeah. We've got them. -Oh, great, okay, well... 364 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,359 -Andy Pandy! -Oh. 365 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,318 You remember these boys from school, don't you? Nobby, Boss Hogg, Gut Rot. 366 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,038 (STAMMERING) What are you doing here? 367 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,315 -You're not here for the play, are you? -Yeah. We've got tickets. 368 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,879 Oh, not your type of thing. 369 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,678 No, no, no. We're looking forward to it. What's it about? 370 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,354 It's all feelings and emotions. I'm just here for the... 371 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,352 Oh, no. Oh, God, look at that. Poofters at 1 2:00. 372 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:23,555 What can you do? 373 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,392 -Is that your audience, is it? -No way. 374 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,552 -Andy? Hiya! -Fans. 375 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,308 -Thanks for sorting out tickets, love. -No worries. 376 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,992 Why are you sorting the Village People out with tickets? 377 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,513 Village People! 378 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:38,593 -Guess who! -Bunny. Christ! 379 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,753 I couldn't miss my little genie's first grown-up play. 380 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,513 Oh, you do hang around with all the butch boys, don't you? 381 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,953 Hello, I'm Bunny. 382 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:51,830 -He was... He was... How's the wife? -Oh, gone. I was living a lie and she knew it. 383 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:55,515 But now I'm able to go out and enjoy some serious cock, guilt free. 384 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:59,673 Yuma, yuma, yuma, yuma. Break a leg. 385 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,753 I'm going to, er, go down, get changed. 386 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,829 Come down for a few beers if you want, but don't hang around for this shit. 387 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,079 -Hello. -Hi. 388 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,798 -How are you doing? -Good. 389 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,917 I've just been talking to Leslie and we think it would be better 390 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,436 if at the end of act two, you were to kiss each other. 391 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,157 -No. -No? 392 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,232 Leslie and you kiss each other at the end of act two? 393 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,833 -Ah. No, no. -No? 394 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,993 -No. Why? -Because it's too obvious. 395 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,356 Oh, now, dear. Don't forget you've finally been able 396 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:41,839 -to express your feelings... -Yeah. 397 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,514 ...toward each other for the first time in 20 years 398 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:48,991 and I think a kiss would be a sort of physicalisation of this emotional liberation. 399 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,311 You know, your freedom to show the world what you are. 400 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:53,833 Not the whole world, though. 401 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,150 Let's... Let's give them a clue, but let's keep it subtle. 402 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,389 -Oh, no. -Yeah. 403 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,072 -But if he just leans over you... -Yeah. 404 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:02,994 Kisses me on the cheek, shake hands, curtain comes down. 405 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,197 Bravo, encore. What a brilliantly directed play. Well done! 406 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,430 Well, thank you, dear. No, dear, he must kiss you on the lips. 407 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,158 -No. He can't kiss me on the lips. -Why is that? 408 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,117 -Cold sore. -Where? 409 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:14,316 -Yeah, opening night. Sod's law. -What, let me see. 410 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,152 -You can't really... It's underneath. -No! 411 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,435 -Don't you worry about that. -I do worry about that. 412 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,592 We'll soon sort that out. Old theatre trick. Yeah. 413 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:24,274 George, can you get us some Vaseline? 414 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,479 DARREN: Hello, all right? MAGGIE: Hello, yes. 415 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,154 DARREN: Come in, come through. This is the crib. 416 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,559 -So, um... -God, it's big! 417 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,632 -No, it's... Well, er, yes. Yeah, it's all right. -It's nice, isn't it? 418 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,075 -I've bought you... -Oh, thank you very much. Is that red or... 419 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,513 It's red, but I'll drink anything. 420 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,989 -No. I got red myself. -Oh, right, okay. 421 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,116 So obviously we're both fans of red. 422 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:48,758 -Fine. -I quite like wine. 423 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,114 I like anything, me. 424 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,998 Sorry. Do you want me to take your coat because it's quite hot in here? 425 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,513 -Because of the cooking. -It's a nice smell. 426 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,672 Yeah, no, it's... Well, we're going sort of... Sort of Oriental. 427 00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,955 -Will I just hang it up? -Yeah, just hang it up, yeah. 428 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,832 (SEAGULLS CALLING) 429 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,678 Come on, Fran! You're like an old lady. 430 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,914 I stopped to pick up this shell. Look. 431 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,275 -It's beautiful. -IT is. 432 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,472 Do you remember the first time we came here? 433 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,869 -Yeah, with Paul. -Yeah. 434 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,156 -Ah, bloody sea. -Why are you so scared of the sea? 435 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:06,239 I'm not scared of the sea. It's just when it gets in your shoes, 436 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,995 the salt-water just rots away the stitches and they fall apart 437 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:15,473 -and you... You have to throw them away. -Are you still talking about the sea? 438 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,314 -Of course. What else? -You're mad. 439 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,474 I'm going back to the beach house. 440 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,038 Fran! Wait for me! 441 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,037 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) 442 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:44,519 -Ooh. -Yeah. 443 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,159 You've got to go like that. It kept getting caught. 444 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:51,394 -Christmas? -Yeah. 445 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:54,358 -That's not a proper Christmas. -No. It's just... I like the sound of it. 446 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:57,432 I know, but you can't have a proper Christmas dinner in Ibiza. 447 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,352 (TOILET FLUSHING) 448 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:22,908 -Are you okay? -Yeah, just waiting for the cistern to refill. 449 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,837 Just left a bit of... 450 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,469 Didn't, you know, flush away completely. So... Anyway... 451 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,511 -Are you going to sit down? -No, 452 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,591 'cause it's on my mind, to be honest, so... 453 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:41,672 -Okay, right, right. -I want to get it sorted. 454 00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:45,590 -Is that all right? -Yes. Just... 455 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,071 Let's have another go. 456 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:04,752 (TOILET FLUSHING) 457 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,432 Oh, for fuck's sake. 458 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:14,999 Don't worry about it. 459 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:16,718 Do you know, I don't want you to have to see it. 460 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,395 I don't want you to have to worry about it. 461 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,232 That'll sort it. 462 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,391 I was just mashing it up. 463 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,192 You kept the shell? 464 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:54,948 Of course I did. You gave it to me. 465 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,911 It wasn't mine to give. 466 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,478 I kept it anyway. 467 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:08,632 Nearer the knee. 468 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,793 John, I love you. 469 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,230 In the play. I know. 470 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:22,589 -I'm going to kiss you. -No point. 471 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,270 Silly. Sometimes I don't know what you're talking about. 472 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:28,557 We do, we agreed. If any nonsense happens, I'm going home! 473 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:30,437 Let's just have a lovely evening 474 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,990 and appreciate the stars and the moon as agreed, okay? 475 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,799 So just run to the next bit. 476 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:39,711 It's not going to happen. 477 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,552 Who the fuck's that? 478 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:45,429 What are you doing? It's like Deliverance in here. 479 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,476 What are you playing at? 480 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,830 I said I wouldn't do the kiss. 481 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:56,109 McClellan comes to me five minutes before and drops that bombshell on me. 482 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,590 "Oh, we'd like you to do the kiss."' Not my cup of tea, mate. 483 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:03,309 And then all that. And him a knight of the realm. 484 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:08,633 Do you want to do the end bit without that? Oh, he's got the hump. 485 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:15,399 No understudy, so I'm afraid that's the end of the run. Sorry about that. 486 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,916 We'd nearly finished anyway, to be fair. Only about five minutes to go, wasn't there? 487 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:24,233 All you missed was, er, we find out me and Fran were both having it off with Paul. 488 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:27,118 Do you remember Paul we mentioned earlier? 489 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,039 Paul killed himself 'cause he was wracked with guilt 490 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,396 about doing both of us behind the other one's back. 491 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:35,875 So... 492 00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:42,749 She's writing all this down. That's not very good, is it? 493 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:55,918 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 494 00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:59,551 Not my audience, so what?