1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,373 A lot of people when they get famous 2 00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:04,657 they find a lot of temptations in their way, they maybe drink too much, eat too much. 3 00:00:04,740 --> 00:00:07,857 They get invited to parties and so forth, and, you know, weight can be a problem. 4 00:00:07,940 --> 00:00:11,728 You look like you have always struggled a little bit with your weight. 5 00:00:12,340 --> 00:00:13,853 Would I be right in that? Is it a struggle? 6 00:00:13,940 --> 00:00:17,137 It's not a struggle. The more I eat, the fatter I get, it's... 7 00:00:17,220 --> 00:00:19,017 - But you're comfortable? - It's easy, it's easy. 8 00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:21,694 What are your ambitions? Obviously this has been a big hit for you, 9 00:00:21,780 --> 00:00:22,849 a surprise hit some would say. 10 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,737 But what are your ambitions over and above this? 11 00:00:24,820 --> 00:00:26,617 You gonna do more of the same or do you want to branch out? 12 00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:30,454 I suppose I would like to do, you know, serious acting 13 00:00:30,540 --> 00:00:31,859 and I would like to do films. 14 00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:33,737 Who'd you like to meet? Who'd you like to work with? 15 00:00:33,820 --> 00:00:34,935 You don't know anyone. 16 00:00:35,020 --> 00:00:37,136 I know most people in Hollywood, I've interviewed most of them. 17 00:00:37,220 --> 00:00:40,769 I've interviewed Tom Cruise many times, I've interviewed Robert De Niro. 18 00:00:40,860 --> 00:00:42,578 I've interviewed all the greats. 19 00:00:42,660 --> 00:00:45,857 Yeah, obviously Robert De Niro's the greatest actor in the world, 20 00:00:45,940 --> 00:00:48,170 so I'd obviously like to work with him. 21 00:00:48,260 --> 00:00:50,615 All right, challenge accepted. Challenge accepted. 22 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,453 No, challenge accepted, De Niro. I will hook you up with De Niro. 23 00:00:53,540 --> 00:00:56,850 - You can get me De Niro? - Yeah. But lose some weight first. 24 00:01:00,420 --> 00:01:01,853 - Andy? - Hi. 25 00:01:01,940 --> 00:01:03,498 - Well done, that was great. - Really? 26 00:01:03,580 --> 00:01:05,491 - It was fantastic, you were fantastic. - Cheers. 27 00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:07,093 - Are you gonna stay for a drink? - Yeah. 28 00:01:07,180 --> 00:01:08,977 All right, wait for me in there, I've got to pop downstairs. 29 00:01:09,060 --> 00:01:11,176 But don't go without seeing me, I'd really love to chat. 30 00:01:11,260 --> 00:01:14,411 - Okay, all right. - Wait for me. I'll be a minute. 31 00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:19,937 - Is that your first chat show? - Yeah. 32 00:01:20,020 --> 00:01:21,419 - You're not serious? - I was nervous as well. 33 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:22,489 It didn't show. 34 00:01:22,580 --> 00:01:23,854 - Oh, really? - No, I didn't notice. 35 00:01:23,940 --> 00:01:25,817 - You were great, I loved your stories. - I'm used to it. 36 00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:27,253 I've done loads, you'll get used to it. 37 00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:30,298 Sorry, have you got a minute to talk to a big fan of yours from the audience? 38 00:01:30,380 --> 00:01:31,369 Yeah. What, now? 39 00:01:31,460 --> 00:01:32,734 - Is that all right? - Yeah. 40 00:01:32,820 --> 00:01:34,731 Joe, this is Andy. Andy, Joe. 41 00:01:34,820 --> 00:01:36,048 - Hi. - Hi. 42 00:01:36,140 --> 00:01:39,610 - You all right? - Yeah, can I ask... 43 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:44,291 Joe's going into hospital next week, St Matthews. 44 00:01:44,860 --> 00:01:47,374 May be in for quite a long time, 45 00:01:47,460 --> 00:01:49,576 and would you pop in and say hello? 46 00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:50,854 Would I...? 47 00:01:50,940 --> 00:01:54,216 Can you pop in and visit him whilst he's in hospital? 48 00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:57,178 I'm not sure what I'm doing. 49 00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:58,574 - All right, well... - To be honest. 50 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:01,174 Give me your number and we can arrange something. 51 00:02:01,260 --> 00:02:03,694 - Yeah, if you call my agent on... - Not your agent. 52 00:02:03,780 --> 00:02:05,736 - Not my agent? - No. They fob you off, agents. 53 00:02:05,820 --> 00:02:08,129 What's your mobile? 54 00:02:09,460 --> 00:02:12,975 I lost my mobile. I don't know where it is at the moment. 55 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,455 - It's in your pocket. - It's in my what? 56 00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:17,417 It's in your pocket. 57 00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:21,771 Oh, I thought I looked there. I... 58 00:02:21,860 --> 00:02:26,615 Why didn't I look in there? I usually look in my pocket. Well done, kid. 59 00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:28,613 What's your number? 60 00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:31,979 - Mine? - Yeah. 61 00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:37,529 Can I remember it? 0... 62 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,214 7700900. 63 00:02:41,860 --> 00:02:44,977 1-5-8. 64 00:02:47,060 --> 00:02:48,573 Oh, I'll just ring it so I've got it in there. 65 00:02:48,660 --> 00:02:51,413 Well, don't, no, that's my old one. That's the one I lost. 66 00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:53,138 That's the one I lost. 67 00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:57,736 No. If you're gonna test it, it's 07700900168. 68 00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:00,856 Okay, all right. Well, I'll ring to confirm Monday. 69 00:03:00,940 --> 00:03:02,976 - I don't know if I can... - You can make it Monday. 70 00:03:03,060 --> 00:03:04,857 - It's just half an hour. - Yeah. 71 00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:06,737 - Get a cab, you can afford it. - Yeah, I know. 72 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,651 - But... -6:00, St Matthews? 73 00:03:08,740 --> 00:03:11,777 He's gonna be on the Parrot Ward, neurology block. 74 00:03:11,860 --> 00:03:13,771 - And it's 6:00. - Okay. 75 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:14,929 - See you at 6:00. - Yeah. 76 00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,499 Great, thank you very, very much. 77 00:03:16,580 --> 00:03:17,695 - Say goodbye. - Goodbye. 78 00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:18,815 - Cheers. - Bye-bye, thanks. 79 00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:20,015 Bye. 80 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,852 This way. 81 00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,416 - Bit weird, innit? - Bit presumptuous. 82 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,491 No, I mean it's weird she didn't ask me. 83 00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:38,414 I mean, knowing what I can do and how much joy I bring to people. 84 00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:40,411 Well, maybe she didn't notice me. 85 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,058 - Maybe. - Unlikely. 86 00:03:42,140 --> 00:03:45,450 I think you're gonna notice Robert Lindsay in a room. 87 00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:48,498 No, she probably saw me and thought, "I'd love to ask him first, 88 00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:52,732 "being one of Britain's best loved actors, and let's not forget, you know, he can sing, 89 00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:55,812 "he can dance and he has won awards on Broadway, for Christ's sake. "' 90 00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,253 Ah. 91 00:03:57,340 --> 00:04:01,731 No, she... I know what it was, she was intimidated and she, you know, thought, 92 00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:05,813 "Bird in the hand, I'll definitely get a "yes" from the nobody. "' 93 00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:08,779 Worried about this kid though, aren't you? 94 00:04:08,860 --> 00:04:10,816 - Yeah... - No, I'm worried. I'm worried about the kid 95 00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:14,939 because if this, you know, so-called mother is making stupid mistakes like that, 96 00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:17,580 you know, choosing you over me, then what other mistakes is she making? 97 00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:20,697 Is she screwing up his medication? 98 00:04:21,460 --> 00:04:23,052 - Is she, is she? - I don't know. 99 00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:24,334 No, no. 100 00:04:25,580 --> 00:04:28,652 - Good luck. Keep them laughing. - Cheers. 101 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:48,537 Would you like to come back for a nightcap? 102 00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:50,497 Yeah, I'd love to. 103 00:04:57,660 --> 00:05:01,255 - Oh, hiya. Nice night? - Yeah, it was lovely, yeah, yeah. 104 00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:02,489 This is Maggie. 105 00:05:02,580 --> 00:05:04,013 - Hi. - Hello, Maggie. 106 00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:06,739 - You live with your parents? - Yeah. 107 00:05:08,420 --> 00:05:12,015 If you two get up to anything tonight, can you keep the noise down, dear? 108 00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:13,328 We need to get up early tomorrow. 109 00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:14,819 We're not gonna get up to anything. 110 00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,458 Oh, I think Michael thinks you are. 111 00:05:16,540 --> 00:05:19,373 I think he assumed that's why you're coming back here. 112 00:05:19,460 --> 00:05:21,928 You don't want people saying you're a prick-tease, love. 113 00:05:22,020 --> 00:05:23,294 Definitely not. 114 00:05:23,380 --> 00:05:27,419 Girl like you, you're no spring chicken, you must be sexually active. 115 00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:29,570 You look like you know your way around. 116 00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:32,572 Are you on contraception or do you want to borrow something? 117 00:05:32,660 --> 00:05:34,651 - Hmm? - Are you on contraception? 118 00:05:37,740 --> 00:05:39,458 - Yeah. - What kind? 119 00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:42,499 - Just the pill. - The pill? 120 00:05:42,580 --> 00:05:47,574 Don't go on the pill, danger of thrombosis. I always use a cap, don't I, dear? 121 00:05:47,660 --> 00:05:51,812 She does use a cap, but sometimes I pop a johnny on as well, just to be safe. 122 00:05:51,900 --> 00:05:55,176 Belt and braces, we've got two sons, that's enough. 123 00:05:55,260 --> 00:05:57,615 Now we want the fun without the responsibility. 124 00:06:01,380 --> 00:06:04,053 Doesn't have to be penetrative sex, either, of course. 125 00:06:04,140 --> 00:06:05,459 Plenty of other things to do. 126 00:06:05,540 --> 00:06:07,371 Sometimes we do everything but. 127 00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:11,419 An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. 128 00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:14,333 Indeed. Indeed. 129 00:06:35,860 --> 00:06:36,929 - Do you play at all? - Mmm. 130 00:06:37,020 --> 00:06:38,055 We should definitely have a game. 131 00:06:38,140 --> 00:06:39,778 I used to play at school, I haven't played for a while. 132 00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:41,691 I can see that. I've got a court in my back garden. 133 00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:43,816 - Right, money on it. - I will knock you all over the place. 134 00:06:43,900 --> 00:06:47,176 Actually I've got two courts. Brilliant, thank you. I'm gonna show you this. 135 00:06:47,260 --> 00:06:49,296 - Is that your wages? - No. I've got two of these... 136 00:06:51,060 --> 00:06:52,254 I got one in Japan, one in New York, right. 137 00:06:52,340 --> 00:06:54,410 - Oh, I'm sorry. - I'll set it up. 138 00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:56,058 - Hello? Hello, it's me. 139 00:06:56,140 --> 00:06:57,619 Hi, yeah. 140 00:06:57,700 --> 00:07:00,817 - What can I do for you? - Nothing. I'm just phoning for a chat. 141 00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:02,049 Oh, God. 142 00:07:02,140 --> 00:07:05,098 I've got to tell you about this date that I've just been on. 143 00:07:05,780 --> 00:07:07,532 Do you have to tell me right now? 144 00:07:07,620 --> 00:07:09,099 - What, are you busy? - Yeah. 145 00:07:09,180 --> 00:07:11,216 I'm right in the middle of something at the moment. 146 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,779 Well, I'll call you later, then? 147 00:07:12,860 --> 00:07:15,294 Yeah, I don't know when I'll be finished, though. 148 00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:17,814 - Look at this. - Sort of really snowed under. 149 00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:20,130 I've got to go. I'll speak to you soon, yeah? 150 00:07:20,220 --> 00:07:22,529 All right, well, I'll speak to you... 151 00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:27,538 That's my toy, right, but this is his toy, I had to buy this separately. 152 00:07:27,620 --> 00:07:30,009 - Check this out. - I love the fact that your toys have got toys. 153 00:07:37,780 --> 00:07:40,852 Okay, so, how are you getting on with the De Niro thing? 154 00:07:41,180 --> 00:07:43,819 - What's that? - For f... I told you. It... 155 00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:45,413 Jonathan Ross told me he's over here doing a film. 156 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:47,968 You said you'd get me an audition, you said you'd make a few phone calls. 157 00:07:48,060 --> 00:07:49,732 - I've been looking into that. - Have you? 158 00:07:49,820 --> 00:07:52,254 But it's tricky 'cause all his people are in Los Angeles... 159 00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:55,173 - So? You've got a phone. - Yeah, it's complicated, though, 'cause... 160 00:07:55,260 --> 00:07:57,490 It took me two days to realise they're eight hours ahead. 161 00:07:57,580 --> 00:07:58,899 - They're behind. - Are they? 162 00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:00,936 - Yes. - That explains quite a lot. 163 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:05,615 - So what time would it be over there now? - Right, it's 4:00 here so eight hours. 164 00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:07,930 - Five, six, seven... - No, you're going up. 165 00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:10,136 - Five, six, seven... - You're still going up. 166 00:08:10,220 --> 00:08:14,008 - No, that's down... - No, it's 4:00 here so eight hours, 8:00. 167 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:15,249 That's four hours ahead. 168 00:08:15,340 --> 00:08:17,058 - In the morning! - Oh, okay, yes. 169 00:08:17,140 --> 00:08:19,415 - Supposing they get in at 9:00... -10:00, have a cup of coffee. 170 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:22,014 - Say hello to the people and... Yeah. - All right. 171 00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:23,818 - Add eight... - To what? 172 00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:25,333 -10! -10. 18? 173 00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:28,059 - What do you mean, 18? - Oh, add eight hours, you mean? 174 00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:29,175 - Well, of course. - Yeah. Sorry. 175 00:08:29,260 --> 00:08:31,615 - So call them at 6:00. - Right, their time. 176 00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:33,258 - Our time! - Our time. Yeah. 177 00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:34,329 And what time will it be over there? 178 00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:35,489 -10:00. -10:00. 179 00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:37,298 - At night? In the morning. - In the morning! 180 00:08:37,380 --> 00:08:41,134 Forget it. If I can get hold of Robert De Niro before you, you're fired, okay? 181 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,893 I've outgrown you, I don't know what you're for. 182 00:08:43,980 --> 00:08:47,416 Have another go but if I beat you to him, you're fired. 183 00:08:58,180 --> 00:09:00,933 - Hey, hello. - All right. What you doing here? 184 00:09:01,020 --> 00:09:02,692 Some more extra work, obviously. 185 00:09:02,780 --> 00:09:05,135 - That's where it's tight, there. - It's the same as it was before. 186 00:09:05,220 --> 00:09:08,929 Listen, Andy, I've got to tell you about this date that I went on with this guy, right. 187 00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:12,251 To look at him, you would think that he was Mr Perfect. 188 00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:14,251 - Your dad? - What? 189 00:09:14,340 --> 00:09:17,616 - What did you say? Your dad what? - No, a date. I went on a date. 190 00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:19,338 - Oh, right. - Try it now. 191 00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:23,333 Is this a really bad time? 'Cause I can easily come back and catch you here. 192 00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:24,899 - That's better. - At a later date. 193 00:09:24,980 --> 00:09:26,379 - Whatever you did. - We should hook up. 194 00:09:26,460 --> 00:09:29,930 I've hardly seen you, well, not in the flesh. I've seen you in the paper. 195 00:09:30,020 --> 00:09:33,649 In fact, a photograph of you here with your new best friend. 196 00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:38,936 Oh, wow. "Wossy takes fwiend for a wide. "' 197 00:09:39,020 --> 00:09:40,931 That's at his house in Swanage. 198 00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:42,692 That was a brilliant day. 199 00:09:43,180 --> 00:09:44,215 Yeah. 200 00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:47,053 Well, we should go and get a cup of tea or something sometime. 201 00:09:47,140 --> 00:09:49,859 Yeah. Don't you get it, get a runner to get it. 202 00:09:49,940 --> 00:09:55,253 No, not now. I'm saying we should get together and have a cup of tea. 203 00:09:55,580 --> 00:09:58,492 Tell you what, if you do want to hook up and do me a favour at the same time, 204 00:09:58,580 --> 00:10:00,536 I've got to go and see this sick kid in hospital Monday. 205 00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:02,178 I'm dreading it, I don't know what to say to him. 206 00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:03,818 At least if you're there, I'll have someone to talk to. 207 00:10:03,900 --> 00:10:06,698 You sure you want me to come? Sounds like you should be asking some hot date. 208 00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:09,374 No, it'll be awful. No, you're great. 209 00:10:09,460 --> 00:10:11,530 - Buy myself a new dress, then. - Ah? 210 00:10:11,940 --> 00:10:13,419 Nothing. 211 00:10:14,060 --> 00:10:16,813 Right, well, I'll leave you to it, then. 212 00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,299 - Look at his face. - Bye. 213 00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:20,735 Why's he on a bike when he's got about five cars? 214 00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:57,538 Oh, you bastard! 215 00:11:03,180 --> 00:11:05,330 Cut, cut, cut. - Sorry. 216 00:11:06,380 --> 00:11:08,575 - You know what to do? - The bucket fell off the thing. 217 00:11:08,660 --> 00:11:10,651 Yes, I'm sure it did. 218 00:11:15,980 --> 00:11:17,857 Can you just tuck that in? 219 00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:20,979 Look who's here. 220 00:11:21,060 --> 00:11:22,095 - Hello. Hello. 221 00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:23,659 - Hi! - Do the catchphrase. 222 00:11:23,740 --> 00:11:25,219 Let him sit down. 223 00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,018 Sit down. 224 00:11:29,660 --> 00:11:31,298 Now do the catchphrase. 225 00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:35,539 Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh? 226 00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:38,214 Oh, it's good, that is very clever. 227 00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:41,213 - This is my friend Maggie. - Hi. 228 00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:42,289 Hi. 229 00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:48,577 What you been doing? 230 00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:51,850 Just lying here. 231 00:11:51,940 --> 00:11:53,168 Yeah. 232 00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:03,099 Comfy? 233 00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:05,569 It's pretty comfy, yeah. 234 00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:09,690 And I'm on morphine so I can't really feel anything. 235 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,695 Rather that than terrible pain. 236 00:12:21,420 --> 00:12:23,012 - Are you his girlfriend? - No. 237 00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:25,295 No, just a friend. 238 00:12:25,380 --> 00:12:27,940 Why do you have a friend who's a girl? Boring. 239 00:12:28,020 --> 00:12:32,218 They're usually boring, but because she's so stupid, that amuses me. 240 00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:34,734 - I'm not stupid. - Very dim. 241 00:12:35,780 --> 00:12:39,216 That looks like one of those things that you get a goldfish in at the fair. 242 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,098 - Could you keep a goldfish in that? - See? 243 00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:45,610 - Andy, can I have a word? - Yeah, sure. 244 00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:46,928 - Outside? - Mmm. 245 00:12:47,020 --> 00:12:49,739 Don't touch anything, they're not toys. 246 00:12:52,340 --> 00:12:54,376 - Are you a Chelsea fan? - Yeah. 247 00:12:56,380 --> 00:12:59,770 Can I just ask, and it's a very sensitive issue, 248 00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:04,010 but if, heaven forbid, Joe did pass away... 249 00:13:04,220 --> 00:13:06,256 - Who's Joe? - Joe, my son. 250 00:13:06,340 --> 00:13:09,491 - Oh, no, sorry, yeah, I know. Yeah, I knew. - Yeah. 251 00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:13,533 If he did pass away, would you say a few words at his funeral? 252 00:13:15,820 --> 00:13:17,094 Oh, I... 253 00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:21,696 - I don't even want to think about that. - Well, we have to think about it now. 254 00:13:21,780 --> 00:13:22,849 I know, but... 255 00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:26,057 It's something the whole family would really very much appreciate, 256 00:13:26,140 --> 00:13:29,974 knowing how much you mean to Joe, and how much he means to you. 257 00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:34,929 So if you could tell me, yes, you'd be happy to say a few words... 258 00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:36,648 But... 259 00:13:37,580 --> 00:13:40,378 I think he's gonna live a very long time. 260 00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:43,253 - He may not. - He will. 261 00:13:43,340 --> 00:13:45,012 - He may not. - Oh, but, yeah, I know. 262 00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:49,378 But it's mad to hold someone to plans that far ahead. 263 00:13:49,460 --> 00:13:51,178 We may even lose him in the next six months. 264 00:13:51,260 --> 00:13:54,889 Yeah, six months is a long time with my schedule 'cause things change and I... 265 00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:57,619 Can I just say that you've promised you'll be there 266 00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:01,375 unless it's something like literally impossible for you to get out of? 267 00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:03,416 - Like filming or... - Not filming. 268 00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:05,258 Not filming? That's not important enough? 269 00:14:05,340 --> 00:14:09,128 Well, what do you consider a good enough excuse to get me out of this? 270 00:14:09,220 --> 00:14:11,654 Just so I don't bother you with, like, I'm phoning you up going, 271 00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:15,494 "Oh, I can't make it 'cause of this... "' and you're going, "That's not an excuse. "' 272 00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:16,695 - You know? - Right. 273 00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:18,133 What we talking? What sort of... 274 00:14:18,220 --> 00:14:20,176 - Can we just talk about it later? - Yeah. 275 00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:22,535 - Let's go back in there. - Yeah. 276 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:29,096 Where is he? There he is! There he is! 277 00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:33,140 There is the boy. Look at his face. 278 00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:37,137 Dumbstruck. I know, I understand, it's okay, it's okay. 279 00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:40,451 - You were expecting a one-hit wonder. - You all right? 280 00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:43,816 And what did you get? Bloody British legend. 281 00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:45,538 I know you know me from My Family, 282 00:14:45,620 --> 00:14:48,054 the biggest and most popular sitcom in England, 283 00:14:48,140 --> 00:14:51,291 but did you know I'm a serious actor? 284 00:14:51,380 --> 00:14:53,450 Oh, yeah, and I can sing and dance. 285 00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:55,337 # Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh 286 00:14:55,420 --> 00:14:57,775 # Don't you know that the world wants to laugh 287 00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:02,172 # My dad said "Be an actor, my son, but be a comical one" 288 00:15:02,260 --> 00:15:06,731 # They'll be standing in lines For those old honky tonk monkeyshines 289 00:15:06,820 --> 00:15:09,380 # Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha # 290 00:15:09,460 --> 00:15:10,973 # Gotta dance! 291 00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:12,778 # Broadway rhythm, it's got me 292 00:15:12,860 --> 00:15:16,091 # Every dance! Oh, that Broadway rhythm, driving, beating 293 00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:21,129 # Rhythm from Mr Broadway Melody, yeah # 294 00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:30,056 Oi. - Sorry. 295 00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:32,700 It's the morphine. I'm tired. 296 00:15:32,780 --> 00:15:34,896 I wasn't really enjoying it, to be honest. 297 00:15:34,980 --> 00:15:36,254 Rude. 298 00:15:36,340 --> 00:15:38,410 Well, I'm not really into musicals. 299 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:40,456 So, what are you into? 300 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:43,179 Well, comedies with catchphrases, like Andy's. 301 00:15:43,260 --> 00:15:45,774 Freedom for Tooting! Power to the people! 302 00:15:45,860 --> 00:15:47,339 What's that? 303 00:15:48,620 --> 00:15:52,215 Your kid does not know comedy. Sort it out now. 304 00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:55,776 Citizen Smith, biggest sitcom of the '70s. Come on. 305 00:15:55,860 --> 00:15:57,498 I wasn't born until 1993. 306 00:15:57,580 --> 00:16:00,697 I wasn't born until 1949, but I know who Queen Victoria is. 307 00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:03,613 For God's sake, something wrong with your brain? 308 00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:06,209 Right, you'll love this. 309 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:09,372 This anecdote has people on the floor at any function, any dinner party, 310 00:16:09,460 --> 00:16:11,212 and if you think that's because they're drunk, think again, 311 00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,258 because Richard E Grant loves this story, and he doesn't even drink so... 312 00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:18,618 I'm on the set of GBH, I'm in my trailer, knock on the door, guess who it is? 313 00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:19,894 - Go on, guess. - Mmm... 314 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,459 Alan Bleasdale. 315 00:16:21,540 --> 00:16:24,373 - I don't know who that is. - Oh, fuck off! 316 00:16:27,180 --> 00:16:29,091 Kid's a waste of space. 317 00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:35,656 Oh, that was a nice surprise, wasn't it? 318 00:16:38,180 --> 00:16:40,614 - Well, that was interesting. - Yeah. 319 00:16:41,420 --> 00:16:43,809 - Do you want to go for a quick pint? - I can't tonight. 320 00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:47,017 - Why? What you doing? - I am going to the Ivy restaurant. 321 00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:50,376 You know Vernon Kay and Tess Daly? They invited me out for a meal. 322 00:16:50,460 --> 00:16:53,133 - Why? - Just want to hang out with me. Yeah. 323 00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:56,018 - Is there room for one more? - No, I think the four's made up. 324 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:59,012 - Who's the fourth? - Jamie Theakston, nutter! 325 00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:03,215 I promised I'd come and visit the kid again next week, if you want to come again? 326 00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:04,779 - Yeah, okay. - Yeah? Brilliant. 327 00:17:04,860 --> 00:17:06,009 It's a date. 328 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:08,295 What's Theako gonna be like after a few beers? 329 00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:09,813 He's mental enough sober. 330 00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:29,335 - Yes? - Oh! You all right? 331 00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:32,652 - Is he in? - Yes. 332 00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:38,813 - Right. - Hiya! 333 00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:42,449 I haven't got long, just want to find out what's going on with this De Niro thing. 334 00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:44,929 What, did we have a meeting on? 335 00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:48,378 'Cause I don't remember planning anything. 336 00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,692 - Were you masturbating? - Was I what? 337 00:17:55,780 --> 00:17:58,419 Were you masturbating when I came in? 338 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,053 Sort of, yeah. 339 00:18:07,660 --> 00:18:09,298 - Don't tell anyone. - I'm not gonna tell anyone. 340 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,132 - No. - Why didn't you lock the door? 341 00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:13,654 I should have locked the door, but I didn't think ahead. I just... 342 00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:17,176 The moment took me and I just went, you know, crazy. 343 00:18:18,740 --> 00:18:20,014 It wasn't anything weird. 344 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,773 - No, but just so you know it was... - No. 345 00:18:22,860 --> 00:18:24,612 If you must know what it was, it was the lady on this pen. 346 00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:25,974 I don't need to know. 347 00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:29,132 It just looks like a regular lady, nice, attractive lady wearing a bathing costume, 348 00:18:29,220 --> 00:18:31,211 but when you turn it up the other way, it comes off. 349 00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:32,972 And then she's nude. 350 00:18:33,060 --> 00:18:35,415 - Have you got my pen? - Yes, take your pen, please, for... 351 00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:36,728 Were you having a wank? 352 00:18:36,820 --> 00:18:39,573 I was trying to have a quick one, yes, but it's like Piccadilly Circus in here. 353 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,412 I didn't know. I just walked in and he was... 354 00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:44,333 If it's anyone's fault, it's yours for leaving your erotic material lying around. 355 00:18:44,420 --> 00:18:46,695 If you leave that stuff about, I'm only gonna do one thing, aren't I? 356 00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,054 Why didn't you have one before you came out? 357 00:18:48,140 --> 00:18:49,858 I did have one before I came out, thanks for asking, 358 00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:51,896 but I'm a very sexual being if you must know, 359 00:18:51,980 --> 00:18:54,699 - and I produce an ungodly amount of... - Fine. 360 00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:56,933 Thank you. 361 00:18:58,460 --> 00:19:00,735 - This is what I'm talking about. - We haven't talked about this. 362 00:19:00,820 --> 00:19:02,048 I didn't think I had to. 363 00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:05,052 I didn't think I had to make a list of things that you shouldn't do at work, 364 00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:07,210 one of them tossing off over a pen. 365 00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:08,449 No. 366 00:19:09,220 --> 00:19:11,336 Do you really think you're earning your twelve and a half percent 367 00:19:11,420 --> 00:19:13,376 - by doing that sort of thing under the table? - No. 368 00:19:13,460 --> 00:19:15,018 No. Nor do I. 369 00:19:16,380 --> 00:19:18,336 So why am I paying you? 370 00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:22,695 That's it. This is pathetic, really. 371 00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:26,011 I gave you a chance to sort something out and you'd rather be doing that, 372 00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:27,419 - so let's call it quits. - No, no... 373 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,819 Look at that. 374 00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:32,572 God almighty. 375 00:19:32,660 --> 00:19:35,652 As far as I'm concerned, you're fired. 376 00:19:35,740 --> 00:19:37,014 - That's it. - Well, if... 377 00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:41,730 If you fire me then you won't know anything about the Robert De Niro meeting I've set up. 378 00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:43,538 You got a meeting with Robert De Niro? 379 00:19:43,620 --> 00:19:45,850 Yeah, next week. What are you doing next Monday? 380 00:19:45,940 --> 00:19:47,419 What time? 381 00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:48,694 -6:00. - Where? 382 00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:49,815 - At his hotel. - What hotel? 383 00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:51,458 Dorchester hotel. 384 00:19:51,540 --> 00:19:55,215 So, next Monday at 6:00 at The Dorchester, I'm meeting Robert De Niro. 385 00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:56,858 Brilliant, and if he doesn't turn up, you're fired then. 386 00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:58,168 If he doesn't turn up, it's not my fault. 387 00:19:58,260 --> 00:20:00,216 Well, no, you've arranged it, so it's win-win for me. 388 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,256 So either I turn up and he's there, I meet De Niro, 389 00:20:02,340 --> 00:20:06,970 or I turn up and he's not there, and you're fired, and I get a proper agent. 390 00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:13,260 Oh, for fuck's sake. 391 00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:25,938 - Hello? - Hi, you all right? 392 00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:29,615 Oh, hi, yeah, I'm just on my way to the hospital. I'm taking Operation. 393 00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:31,497 - I thought it seemed appropriate. - Yeah. 394 00:20:31,580 --> 00:20:33,969 Look, I'm not gonna be able to make it later. 395 00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:35,698 Oh, what do you mean? 396 00:20:35,780 --> 00:20:39,295 - I've got a really important meeting. - What, at that exact time? 397 00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:41,735 - Yeah, I couldn't... - And no other time was available? 398 00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:44,254 - No, he couldn't do any other time. - Who? 399 00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:46,171 Robert De Niro. 400 00:20:46,260 --> 00:20:47,932 He couldn't do any other time? 401 00:20:48,020 --> 00:20:50,693 Sorry, did you hear what I said? Robert De Niro wants a meeting. 402 00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:54,090 - It's just it's the only time I ever see you. - I'll move it, shall I? 403 00:20:54,180 --> 00:20:56,171 "Sorry, Mr De Niro, I know you wanted to meet me, 404 00:20:56,260 --> 00:20:58,137 "and you've been my hero all my life, 405 00:20:58,220 --> 00:21:01,371 "but I meet up with Maggie at a very specific time every week. 406 00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:02,779 "It can't be moved. "' 407 00:21:02,860 --> 00:21:06,899 All right, I'm not having a go. I'm just disappointed, that's all. 408 00:21:06,980 --> 00:21:10,575 Well, I can't move it, obviously not, it's really important. 409 00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:12,378 Sorry, I'll see you next week. 410 00:21:12,460 --> 00:21:14,132 - Okay. Bye. - Okay. 411 00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:39,778 Knock, knock. 412 00:21:39,860 --> 00:21:41,054 - Hello. - Hello. 413 00:21:41,140 --> 00:21:42,892 - How are you? - Good. 414 00:21:43,980 --> 00:21:47,370 Bit of bad news, I'm afraid. Andy can't make it. 415 00:21:47,460 --> 00:21:51,214 He's got a really important meeting. So you're stuck with me. 416 00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:54,019 But I've brought you this, look. Ta-da! 417 00:21:55,020 --> 00:21:57,170 - All right? Even though I'm a girl? - Yeah, all right. 418 00:21:57,260 --> 00:21:59,251 - No, it's okay. - Come on, then. 419 00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:01,857 - You set it up. - Okay. 420 00:22:24,020 --> 00:22:25,738 You're so rubbish. 421 00:22:25,820 --> 00:22:28,095 I hope the surgeon working on me is better than you. 422 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,569 This is just a tiny wee thing I'm trying to get out here. 423 00:22:30,660 --> 00:22:33,891 From what I've overheard, your tumour is massive. 424 00:22:35,860 --> 00:22:39,296 So it'll be easy to get it out. 425 00:22:40,140 --> 00:22:41,732 You know... 426 00:22:53,420 --> 00:22:55,376 Very strange. I'm sure he'll be here in a second. 427 00:22:55,460 --> 00:22:58,099 It's very unusual for him to be late. 428 00:23:10,580 --> 00:23:14,812 Have you ever driven a taxi for real? 429 00:23:19,460 --> 00:23:20,779 - No? - No. 430 00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:30,256 I used to have that. 431 00:23:30,340 --> 00:23:32,934 What are you doing here? Has the meeting happened already? 432 00:23:33,020 --> 00:23:35,693 - I didn't go, I came here instead. - Why? 433 00:23:36,380 --> 00:23:38,371 Well, you know, don't want to let people down. 434 00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:41,657 - But that's madness. It's Robert De Niro. - I know. 435 00:23:41,740 --> 00:23:43,458 - No, but that's madness! - What do you mean, it's madness? 436 00:23:43,540 --> 00:23:44,939 - Because it's Robert De Niro. - I know it is. 437 00:23:45,020 --> 00:23:46,578 This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. 438 00:23:46,660 --> 00:23:48,730 I know, but I thought you were upset about being second best. 439 00:23:48,820 --> 00:23:50,299 - That's why I came here. - Don't turn it round on me. 440 00:23:50,380 --> 00:23:52,894 - I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. - I got a text from you going... 441 00:23:52,980 --> 00:23:54,857 - Don't make me feel guilty. - Made me feel guilty. 442 00:23:54,940 --> 00:23:56,532 - That was supposed to be nice. - I know. 443 00:23:56,620 --> 00:23:58,258 - It was supposed to be encouraging. - And it was. 444 00:23:58,340 --> 00:23:59,932 - If you go now... - Don't be stupid. 445 00:24:00,020 --> 00:24:01,499 - Just get a taxi. - I don't believe this. 446 00:24:01,580 --> 00:24:03,616 - I do not believe this. - It's Robert De Niro. 447 00:24:03,700 --> 00:24:04,735 I know who it is. 448 00:24:04,820 --> 00:24:06,617 Now I'm gonna feel guilty for the rest of my life. 449 00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:08,133 Don't make me feel bad about you feeling guilty. 450 00:24:08,220 --> 00:24:09,938 But what if your career goes down the pan? 451 00:24:10,020 --> 00:24:11,453 - I wouldn't worry about it. - How am I gonna feel? 452 00:24:11,540 --> 00:24:14,179 My career is already down the pan. Now it's my turn to operate. 453 00:24:16,620 --> 00:24:17,973 He's dead. 454 00:24:30,820 --> 00:24:33,254 You're a man of the world, you'll like this. 455 00:24:33,340 --> 00:24:35,934 Right, it's just an ordinary pen, so it seems, 456 00:24:36,020 --> 00:24:39,899 and with a picture of a lady on it just in a bathing costume, just normal. 457 00:24:39,980 --> 00:24:42,733 Turn it upside down. Oh, what's happened there? 458 00:24:42,820 --> 00:24:44,139 Nudie lady. 459 00:24:44,620 --> 00:24:46,850 You looking at me? I am now. 460 00:24:48,620 --> 00:24:50,975 - Oh. - It's good, isn't it? 461 00:24:51,060 --> 00:24:54,257 - Yeah. Where did you get this? - My friend, Barry, gave it to me. 462 00:24:54,340 --> 00:24:58,538 Look at that, back on, nothing suspicious, turn it up the other way. 463 00:24:59,300 --> 00:25:01,211 Oh, hang on, hello! 464 00:25:01,660 --> 00:25:04,538 - Can I have this? - Do you want it? Take it. 465 00:25:07,820 --> 00:25:09,048 Do you want to go for a pint? 466 00:25:10,660 --> 00:25:11,809 Hurry up. 467 00:25:11,900 --> 00:25:14,209 - You're in a bad mood. - I'm not in a bad mood, but hurry up. 468 00:25:15,740 --> 00:25:18,334 - Dead. Dead. - Stop putting me off. 469 00:25:18,420 --> 00:25:20,012 If you were hacking at him like that, he'd be dead. 470 00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:23,770 Oh, it's Darren. What? 471 00:25:23,860 --> 00:25:28,012 Hello, mate, what happened to you? I'm still here with Mr Robert De Niro. 472 00:25:28,100 --> 00:25:29,294 - You're with him now? - Yeah. 473 00:25:29,380 --> 00:25:31,177 We're just cruising down to a club. Come down, mate. 474 00:25:31,260 --> 00:25:33,535 Erm, could I bring Maggie? 475 00:25:34,340 --> 00:25:35,614 He wants to bring his friend, is that all right? 476 00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:37,975 Who's that? Friend of his, a lady. 477 00:25:38,060 --> 00:25:40,779 The lady on the pen? I wish. 478 00:25:40,860 --> 00:25:43,328 Yeah, sure. All systems go, mate. 479 00:25:43,420 --> 00:25:46,969 - Hang on, what you doing after this? - Me? Nothing. 480 00:25:47,060 --> 00:25:50,018 - Do you want to meet Robert De Niro? - Nah. 481 00:25:50,100 --> 00:25:51,897 - Really? - I'm only joking. Yeah! 482 00:25:51,980 --> 00:25:53,254 Okay, all right then. 483 00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:55,535 We'll find somewhere, I'll text you the deeds. 484 00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:57,815 - Okay. - See you later, mate. 485 00:25:57,900 --> 00:25:59,413 See you there. 486 00:26:00,740 --> 00:26:02,696 - Really? - Amazing. Let's go. 487 00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:03,849 - Now? - Yeah. 488 00:26:03,940 --> 00:26:05,532 - What about the game? - We can't just leave him. 489 00:26:05,620 --> 00:26:08,612 We can. Just give him an extra couple of drops of morphine, he'll be out cold. 490 00:26:08,700 --> 00:26:11,009 - No, I'm joking. Right, whose go is it? - You have a go. 491 00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:12,533 Okay, okay. 492 00:26:19,180 --> 00:26:20,818 What would you rather do, right? 493 00:26:20,900 --> 00:26:22,413 - Oh. - No, listen. 494 00:26:22,500 --> 00:26:27,972 Would you rather die a sad, lonely, bitter old man, in a cold and empty flat, 495 00:26:28,060 --> 00:26:32,736 or if we're not with anyone in about five years' time, just move in together? 496 00:26:33,540 --> 00:26:35,292 I know what you've tried to do there, 497 00:26:35,380 --> 00:26:37,655 you've tried to make the first option sound the worst. 498 00:26:37,740 --> 00:26:39,093 Why is it a cold flat? 499 00:26:39,180 --> 00:26:42,616 'Cause you're too fat to get up and put the heating on! 500 00:26:42,700 --> 00:26:44,292 What, I've got five years to decide, have I? 501 00:26:44,380 --> 00:26:46,177 Why's it taking you so long to actually think of the answer? 502 00:26:46,260 --> 00:26:49,775 I want to keep my options open. I don't want to commit. 503 00:26:51,660 --> 00:26:52,729 Hi. 504 00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:54,538 - He doesn't want to see you, Robert. - Yes, he does. 505 00:26:54,620 --> 00:26:56,690 He does, because I've brought DVDs of My Family. 506 00:26:56,780 --> 00:26:58,975 - Come on, everyone likes this. - I don't. 507 00:26:59,060 --> 00:27:02,370 - I prefer that edgier stuff on BBC Two. - What are you, a critic?