1 00:00:08,835 --> 00:00:14,285 Day 7 : All the housemates are in the kitchen 2 00:00:14,678 --> 00:00:29,854 (Screaming and fighting in the background) 3 00:00:45,753 --> 00:00:47,412 Rita, what on earth are you doing? 4 00:00:47,478 --> 00:00:49,560 I'm learning to play the recorder 5 00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:50,668 Why? 6 00:00:50,733 --> 00:00:54,848 Well, it's the school's idea, they say that every now and then, you should swap places with your child 7 00:00:55,012 --> 00:00:59,602 So each of you gets to see how the other half lives So I知 learning how to play the recorder 8 00:01:00,155 --> 00:01:01,326 What's your daughter's doing? 9 00:01:01,458 --> 00:01:04,565 Oh, she's sat at home with a bottle of gin, thinking about her failed marriage 10 00:01:06,420 --> 00:01:08,015 Rita, you're a card 11 00:01:08,211 --> 00:01:10,328 Yeah, the Joker 12 00:01:13,435 --> 00:01:16,462 Oh, it' no good, it's too difficult 13 00:01:16,495 --> 00:01:22,030 Rita, I used to play the recorder at school, let me help your learn 14 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:23,657 Thank you Brance Okay, so... 15 00:01:23,787 --> 00:01:26,718 Yes Mr. Yamaguchi... No Mr. Yamaguchi... 16 00:01:26,848 --> 00:01:29,714 Can I just say, one more time, I知 velly velly solly 17 00:01:29,873 --> 00:01:35,798 I mean, very very sorry. I'll talk to you too, I'll talk to you, good bye 18 00:01:37,718 --> 00:01:40,715 Rita, just relax... 19 00:01:41,432 --> 00:01:43,774 But it's so hard... 20 00:01:46,594 --> 00:01:49,393 Just take it in your hand... 21 00:01:49,523 --> 00:01:51,053 ...and blow... 22 00:01:51,803 --> 00:01:53,918 Don't suck... 23 00:01:55,285 --> 00:01:56,783 Oh, that's good. 24 00:01:59,277 --> 00:02:00,789 What the bloody hell is going on here 25 00:02:01,326 --> 00:02:05,918 Oh, sorry Mr. Stokes I don't know when I知 blowing or when I知 sucking 26 00:02:06,016 --> 00:02:08,034 She's learning to play the recorder, Mr. Stokes 27 00:02:08,174 --> 00:02:10,193 What does it record? Hein? 28 00:02:10,454 --> 00:02:12,015 What does it record? 29 00:02:12,374 --> 00:02:13,610 it doesn't record anything 30 00:02:13,742 --> 00:02:17,363 Why is it called a recorder for, then? I don't get it 31 00:02:18,846 --> 00:02:21,806 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 32 00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:32,822 Ah, sometimes Gobbler... 33 00:02:32,910 --> 00:02:34,872 Raymond... Oh my god ! 34 00:02:35,243 --> 00:02:37,097 What is it? Raymond... 35 00:02:37,753 --> 00:02:39,999 It's only my bloody twin sister 36 00:02:44,691 --> 00:02:45,803 Hello Raymond 37 00:02:45,935 --> 00:02:47,243 What are you doing here? 38 00:02:47,766 --> 00:02:51,562 A younger gets lonely. Maybe still but what are YOU doing here? 39 00:03:27,527 --> 00:03:28,598 Mr. Millman... What? 40 00:03:28,687 --> 00:03:32,855 Hello there, sorry to bother you, I saw you in here, my name is Richard, I知 the manager 41 00:03:33,071 --> 00:03:35,317 You've got to help me Why? 42 00:03:35,405 --> 00:03:38,219 Would you mind signing a few of these? What, now? 43 00:03:38,307 --> 00:03:39,464 They're not moving... 44 00:03:39,572 --> 00:03:43,390 Just as many as you can manage, if you sign ten, that's ten more chances of selling 45 00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:47,928 I thought the public would lap this tat up for Christmas but they're more discerning than I thought 46 00:03:48,475 --> 00:03:51,287 Even the Kramer doll are selling better than this one 47 00:03:51,527 --> 00:03:55,171 I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loooving it ! 48 00:03:56,750 --> 00:04:02,598 Shut up ! Fifty years ago they had you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass ! 49 00:04:04,124 --> 00:04:07,252 Cheap and ugly, isn't it? I suppose that's the problem 50 00:04:07,397 --> 00:04:08,465 It is ugly 51 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:11,105 Are you having a laugh? 52 00:04:11,759 --> 00:04:12,436 Are you having a laugh? 53 00:04:13,242 --> 00:04:13,918 Are you having a laugh? 54 00:04:14,189 --> 00:04:16,500 Who to thought people would eventually find that irritating? 55 00:04:17,351 --> 00:04:20,168 The thing is, you got to order these things like a year in advance 56 00:04:20,233 --> 00:04:23,962 Still...I won't make the same mistake again. No. 57 00:04:24,051 --> 00:04:25,730 I'll make my money back next Christmas 58 00:04:26,211 --> 00:04:29,090 I've ordered ten thousand Sanjaya dolls 59 00:04:29,242 --> 00:04:32,037 Ah, you're laughing then, aren't you? 60 00:04:35,154 --> 00:04:37,096 What would you rather do, right? 61 00:04:37,183 --> 00:04:41,543 Never celebrate Christmas ever or have Christmas every day? 62 00:04:41,674 --> 00:04:43,508 If it's Christmas every day, what do I have to do? 63 00:04:43,595 --> 00:04:47,544 Nothing, it's Christmas, you just sit at home, watching the TV, having the day off 64 00:04:47,631 --> 00:04:50,989 What, so no one works, there no industry, no government, it's chaos 65 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,975 So you've rather never celebrate Christmas? 66 00:04:53,237 --> 00:04:55,221 Yeah, if that was the choice 67 00:04:55,331 --> 00:04:57,277 So you'll be Jewish, they don't celebrate Christmas 68 00:04:57,625 --> 00:05:02,360 Why would I suddenly be Jewish? I don't know what you're talking about... 69 00:05:06,701 --> 00:05:07,202 ready? 70 00:05:08,243 --> 00:05:08,809 yes 71 00:05:22,797 --> 00:05:26,658 Look, it's Greg, in a film. Oh, come on, we can't watch TV in the day 72 00:05:26,723 --> 00:05:28,356 No, no wait, I want to see 73 00:05:28,436 --> 00:05:32,336 No man has the right to kill his brother It is no excuse to do so in uniform 74 00:05:32,754 --> 00:05:34,739 It merely adds the infamy of servitude, 75 00:05:35,260 --> 00:05:37,053 to the crime of murder 76 00:05:37,409 --> 00:05:38,936 I love Clive Owen 77 00:05:39,852 --> 00:05:43,321 Ugf...Clive...good name for a film star 78 00:05:44,851 --> 00:05:48,435 If we must have a tyrant, let him at least be a gentleman bred to the business, 79 00:05:49,406 --> 00:05:53,718 and let us fall by the axe, and not by the butcher's cleaver 80 00:05:56,650 --> 00:05:58,373 Greg seems good in it 81 00:05:59,413 --> 00:06:00,139 It'll be a bit part 82 00:06:00,220 --> 00:06:03,517 I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley Jones, the two leads in the film 83 00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:04,848 He's one of the leads 84 00:06:06,464 --> 00:06:07,642 in a terrible film 85 00:06:07,713 --> 00:06:09,246 I thought the film was brilliant 86 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:11,787 He thought it was brilliant Oh, I can hear? 87 00:06:15,343 --> 00:06:22,085 Greg, you play Shelly. And I have to say, it's one of the most exciting performance I think I've ever seen 88 00:06:22,453 --> 00:06:25,596 How was it for you working with such an established star as Clive Owen? 89 00:06:25,727 --> 00:06:30,155 Let me say, he is such a down to earth guy, he's just so real 90 00:06:30,459 --> 00:06:33,492 We had a good time I had a great time 91 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:37,724 I know a lot of people are saying that but we really really did get along well 92 00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:40,297 I can't believe you persuaded me to do these things, 93 00:06:40,385 --> 00:06:42,676 they're not even selling apparently cause they're embarrassing... 94 00:06:42,786 --> 00:06:46,312 loads are lying around in bargain bins for ages. Cheap tat 95 00:06:46,530 --> 00:06:48,805 Well yeah but they cut the prices to try and shift a few 96 00:06:48,893 --> 00:06:52,578 but the good thing is that because they all so cheap to manufacture, we still get paid 40 p a time... 97 00:06:52,666 --> 00:06:53,865 cause they're made in sweat shops. 98 00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:56,636 Oh, thanks god for the exploitation of 10 years old children 99 00:06:56,703 --> 00:06:59,841 Absolutely. And the funny thing is of course that your key demographic as well is in the kids 100 00:06:59,951 --> 00:07:02,372 so even if they doing like a 14 hours a day, it's probably living a hell of a time 101 00:07:02,415 --> 00:07:05,471 you know, pressing "You having a laugh?". They're probably enjoying themselves 'cause it's nice 102 00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:07,519 I hope it doesn't distract them from their work, they would get a beating 103 00:07:07,608 --> 00:07:08,917 I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna hear this 104 00:07:09,005 --> 00:07:10,989 Don't listen to him, they wouldn't work there if they didn't like it 105 00:07:11,077 --> 00:07:12,560 I don't think they got a lot of choice, to be honest 106 00:07:12,646 --> 00:07:19,868 As Henri Matisse once said : " The right happiness in oneself from a good day of work for illuminating the fog that surrounds us" 107 00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:21,481 Oh yeah? What are you working on today? 108 00:07:21,570 --> 00:07:23,554 I'm trying to get this dog muck out of a shoe, it's a nightmare 109 00:07:23,598 --> 00:07:26,479 Next door is Great Dane, the stench is unbelievable 110 00:07:26,565 --> 00:07:29,359 I've seen him feeding eggs, oil boiled eggs, to a dog, it's mad 111 00:07:29,447 --> 00:07:32,804 Really, I don't care I don't want to be associated with this sort of staff 112 00:07:33,088 --> 00:07:36,293 To the general public, there is no difference between me and that doll 113 00:07:36,381 --> 00:07:39,763 What? Little fat ugly thing? Pathetic? No? No, I put on... 114 00:07:39,892 --> 00:07:41,813 I'll put on a wig and shot a catch phrase 115 00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:43,602 I want to be associated with credible stuff 116 00:07:43,694 --> 00:07:48,623 Oh, yeah, we've had offers. Part in the BBC's jewel in the crown, Dr Who 117 00:07:49,147 --> 00:07:49,823 no 118 00:07:51,545 --> 00:07:52,237 Hotel Babylon? 119 00:07:52,324 --> 00:07:55,794 No, I don't want to do...camp, frothy nonsense 120 00:07:55,882 --> 00:07:57,474 I want to do something classy 121 00:07:57,584 --> 00:07:59,111 Celebrity Big Brother've been on the phone 122 00:07:59,198 --> 00:08:01,641 You're not listening? It's good money... Not in a million years 123 00:08:01,726 --> 00:08:03,668 What about films? What happen to films? 124 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:07,223 We did have a call. Have you heard about this Byron film that everyone is raving about? 125 00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:10,997 Yeah Well, they making a sequel, should be classy, should be good 126 00:08:11,085 --> 00:08:13,790 It's about what it's mean to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity 127 00:08:13,876 --> 00:08:15,819 They wanted you to go into an audition Right 128 00:08:15,905 --> 00:08:16,888 Obviously I said no 129 00:08:17,041 --> 00:08:18,613 What do you mean you said no? 130 00:08:18,678 --> 00:08:22,800 Well they were asking for someone who was either 36, handsome, dashing and I presumed they had to be taller than you. 131 00:08:22,888 --> 00:08:24,852 So I thought it was safe... Always do the audition 132 00:08:24,917 --> 00:08:28,102 Look at you, that's insane, I might as well send Barry 133 00:08:28,189 --> 00:08:30,982 Call them back and say you have the perfect person for the part Who? 134 00:08:31,069 --> 00:08:33,184 Me ! No, I don't want to waste their time 135 00:08:33,228 --> 00:08:37,635 Why should I have to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way around 136 00:08:37,722 --> 00:08:39,792 If I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing 137 00:08:39,879 --> 00:08:43,894 Oh, no one could thinks you don't know what you're doing. You're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry 138 00:08:44,025 --> 00:08:45,312 Well thanks, maybe you'll be surprised 139 00:08:47,302 --> 00:08:48,435 Get me the audition 140 00:08:52,777 --> 00:08:56,506 Okay, that's a ten minutes break everyone, sandwiches are over here 141 00:08:59,460 --> 00:09:03,015 Could you just let the actors and the crew have theirs first, please 142 00:09:21,538 --> 00:09:22,694 Can you hold on? 143 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,003 Are you Maggie? Yes 144 00:10:05,092 --> 00:10:07,490 Andy wants to see you in his dressing room 145 00:10:07,949 --> 00:10:09,347 What, now? Yeah 146 00:10:09,891 --> 00:10:10,523 Chop chop 147 00:10:23,817 --> 00:10:26,959 Oh, hello Mrs. Millman, is Andy in? 148 00:10:26,981 --> 00:10:29,489 It's a face pack, don't laugh at me now What is this for? 149 00:10:29,576 --> 00:10:32,653 For a film For a film, it comes for a film? 150 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,238 Help me out, don't comment 151 00:10:36,156 --> 00:10:37,398 Is that a girdle? 152 00:10:37,486 --> 00:10:40,890 No, it just helps firm up the... 153 00:10:41,087 --> 00:10:42,875 Flab? Right, come on in, quick 154 00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:45,853 Are you serious? Oh my god... Yeah, come on 155 00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:49,517 That's not gonna work Jesus Christ, of course it is 156 00:10:52,746 --> 00:10:55,430 I don't hear you laugh, don't hear you laugh 157 00:10:56,774 --> 00:11:02,120 Now go on in, oh I'm going right on Where do your organs go? 158 00:11:02,970 --> 00:11:07,291 Do They just get closer together or am I gonna cough up a kidney in the audition? 159 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:21,238 Andrew Millman You looking good 160 00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:23,201 Been working out, ain't it? 161 00:11:23,290 --> 00:11:28,023 I'm sorry, I must declare an interest. Actually me and Andy are very old friends, we... 162 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,052 we've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together 163 00:11:32,403 --> 00:11:35,152 Some of us, got a little further than others... 164 00:11:36,831 --> 00:11:39,079 Anyway, I won't be biased 165 00:11:39,251 --> 00:11:41,630 So, which role are we all here for? Henri Milligan 166 00:11:41,837 --> 00:11:45,394 Hang on Copy, Henri Milligan says here age 36... 167 00:11:46,799 --> 00:11:49,484 Yeah, I took that as meaning he's in his late thirties 168 00:11:50,575 --> 00:11:51,841 We'll change it to late thirties 169 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:58,188 Hang on, Henri Milligan says here late thirties... 170 00:12:00,376 --> 00:12:02,798 Should we do one? Yeah 171 00:12:02,906 --> 00:12:06,114 Do you want to stand up? Yes, easy 172 00:12:10,466 --> 00:12:13,434 Ah, Henri Milligan, allow me to introduce myself 173 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,859 Your reputation precedes you sir, and it's one...the... 174 00:12:18,975 --> 00:12:23,338 Sorry, sorry, can we stop proceeding. Something seems to have happened to Andy's midriff 175 00:12:23,447 --> 00:12:27,985 Can we just rewind that and see what happened? I don't know if everyone else saw that? 176 00:12:31,244 --> 00:12:36,414 Hey, it's his belly. Andy, did your diaphragm just collapsed? 177 00:12:37,394 --> 00:12:39,554 Andy seems to have scuttled off... 178 00:12:42,518 --> 00:12:47,231 Allo it's me, leave a message after the tone and I値l get back to you. Did that record? 179 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:55,404 I, it's me, do you fancy some lunch, at the Ivy, half 8. I can tell you all about my brilliant audition 180 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:59,548 Alright, give us a call back. Cheers, bye 181 00:12:59,984 --> 00:13:01,534 Andy Millman 182 00:13:01,620 --> 00:13:04,152 Alright Bunny? What are you doing? 183 00:13:04,631 --> 00:13:05,636 waiting... 184 00:13:06,049 --> 00:13:09,933 waiting...for what? Cock ! 185 00:13:10,347 --> 00:13:11,349 never too early for that, is it? 186 00:13:12,049 --> 00:13:13,117 Don't you know about this area? 187 00:13:13,423 --> 00:13:14,622 No, I just moved in 188 00:13:14,843 --> 00:13:17,984 This area is famous for it, I'm here all the time 189 00:13:18,289 --> 00:13:20,755 This is known as the waiting bench 190 00:13:22,849 --> 00:13:25,007 Oh, by the way, loving the show 191 00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:25,616 cheers 192 00:13:25,923 --> 00:13:28,236 You having a laugh? 193 00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:33,603 Keep walking, keep walking ! 194 00:13:34,933 --> 00:13:36,548 She'll never get anything in the daylight 195 00:13:37,005 --> 00:13:40,191 Alright Bunny? Alright George 196 00:13:44,579 --> 00:13:45,496 any action? 197 00:13:47,742 --> 00:13:49,684 I only got 20 minutes actually, I'm on my lunch break 198 00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:51,170 lunch break? 199 00:13:51,889 --> 00:13:55,052 Yeah, I'm doing community service Are you still doing that? 200 00:13:55,766 --> 00:13:58,536 Oh no, not that one, I'm doing another one I'm picking up litter now 201 00:13:58,820 --> 00:14:01,284 Alright...What did you do wrong this time? 202 00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:03,445 Fly tipping...believe it or not 203 00:14:04,247 --> 00:14:07,978 Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge freezer 204 00:14:08,283 --> 00:14:10,357 and she says : "Should I call the council?" 205 00:14:10,443 --> 00:14:13,039 ans I say : "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street" 206 00:14:13,935 --> 00:14:18,953 So, at 2h30 in the morning, we're tipping it in here and the fucking police show up 207 00:14:19,538 --> 00:14:20,673 How is that you get involve then? 208 00:14:21,437 --> 00:14:24,928 Well, it was Stuart Copland's the skip and he called Sting 209 00:14:25,058 --> 00:14:28,788 and Sting called the fucking council cause he's a fucking do-gooder 210 00:14:29,529 --> 00:14:31,668 And I am here now, picking up litter 211 00:14:33,849 --> 00:14:37,186 Well, I'll better get going cause I'm gonna have to go back to work soon 212 00:14:37,250 --> 00:14:38,975 Come on then you, I'll give you a quickie 213 00:14:39,171 --> 00:14:42,662 I'm not that desperate Mate Cheeky bastard 214 00:14:42,814 --> 00:14:47,141 Would you do me a favor and look out for paparazzis, I'm gonna go and try over there 215 00:14:47,228 --> 00:14:49,300 I'd love to Cheers 216 00:14:50,479 --> 00:14:53,686 I've had him before, you know...in his car 217 00:14:55,277 --> 00:14:56,171 Wasn't that a bit cramped? 218 00:14:57,119 --> 00:14:59,343 and he was swerving all over the bloody road 219 00:14:59,453 --> 00:15:01,352 Look, keep an eye over these will, will you? 220 00:15:01,548 --> 00:15:03,774 That old queer cannot have got to far... 221 00:15:04,274 --> 00:15:05,083 hellooo 222 00:15:06,961 --> 00:15:09,218 Andy Millman... What? I don't know what this bench is for 223 00:15:09,557 --> 00:15:11,363 What did you say? Why are you sitting here? 224 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,878 Cause we live across the road and just fancy to sit down 225 00:15:16,104 --> 00:15:19,265 Well, you've got a garden, ain't you, why not sit in your garden? No bench. 226 00:15:20,055 --> 00:15:24,457 If you want to sit in the garden, fine, but you'll be sitting on the grass Yeah, but why you sitting on the queer bench? 227 00:15:26,377 --> 00:15:29,197 Have you seen George Michael? Strange question 228 00:15:29,651 --> 00:15:36,422 My editor wants a picture of someone famous acting bent and all I've got is you sitting on a queer bench, so... 229 00:15:36,616 --> 00:15:39,512 I'm not involved, so don't... I know you're lying cos I know he's been here 230 00:15:39,699 --> 00:15:44,892 How do you know? A joint...and a kebab 231 00:15:45,532 --> 00:15:47,978 He's in the bushes Thank you very much 232 00:16:09,420 --> 00:16:14,690 Thank you very much, cheers 233 00:16:19,166 --> 00:16:21,724 Hi, we haven't booked I wonder if you've got a table for two 234 00:16:22,063 --> 00:16:26,089 Well, you'll have to book, I'm afraid Can you just squeeze us in? 235 00:16:26,263 --> 00:16:29,047 We won't have a starter I'm sorry, there's nothing 236 00:16:29,348 --> 00:16:31,867 Or a pudding We'll be 20 minutes, in and out 237 00:16:32,095 --> 00:16:32,997 I'm sorry 238 00:16:33,336 --> 00:16:37,890 You don't...euh...we're the management 239 00:16:38,078 --> 00:16:43,195 No, I am the manager No, on TV, we used to do these characters called "The Management" 240 00:16:43,842 --> 00:16:46,776 The stonk Oh, the Stonk. Is that a restaurant? 241 00:16:47,529 --> 00:16:50,238 No, it's a song we did 242 00:16:50,765 --> 00:16:54,678 I'm really sorry, there's nothing available but you can book up to three months in advance 243 00:16:54,978 --> 00:16:59,494 We don't know where we're gonna be in three months Might not be alive in three months 244 00:16:59,832 --> 00:17:04,763 What would you rather do? Be on the Planet Of The Apes, you're human but you can't speak 245 00:17:04,912 --> 00:17:09,201 or be the first ever monkey on Earth to speak like a human, but you're a monkey? 246 00:17:09,352 --> 00:17:11,384 Do I know I'm a monkey? Yeah, You know you're a monkey 247 00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:15,888 Mr. Millman, hello Sorry, we haven't booked, I'm afraid No problem, I'm sure I can squeeze you in 248 00:17:15,918 --> 00:17:18,187 Oh, thank you cheers, okay 249 00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:23,066 0h, look, it's them two, what's their names again? Hale and Pace. Hale. Pace. 250 00:17:23,255 --> 00:17:26,134 Like Ant and Dec? Without their money 251 00:17:27,146 --> 00:17:30,740 They just throw money at performers now Should have invested more wisely 252 00:17:30,887 --> 00:17:34,817 Can we not do this in public? I asked you before It was your idea to buy the racehorse 253 00:17:35,048 --> 00:17:39,089 It was your idea to ride it, wasn't it? You couldn't help us get in, could you? 254 00:17:39,318 --> 00:17:47,666 I don't think there is...It was nice meeting you Cheers 255 00:17:49,733 --> 00:17:55,038 Oh, look, there's...what's her name... Jade Jagger That's it 256 00:17:55,398 --> 00:17:58,278 What is she doing? Fashion...someone 257 00:17:58,614 --> 00:18:03,289 Jade Jagger...How do you think she got her big break? 258 00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:08,540 I wonder And what does Sadie Frost do? 259 00:18:09,835 --> 00:18:13,216 She's friend with people I didn't know that was a job It's, yeah 260 00:18:14,798 --> 00:18:21,344 Oh, oh, right, OK, don't look, don't look yet, right The woman over there, an amazing face 261 00:18:21,703 --> 00:18:26,664 OK? Red top, I want you to turn and look at her and I'll say her name, Ok? 262 00:18:26,881 --> 00:18:30,747 Three, two, one, Elmer Fudd 263 00:18:32,817 --> 00:18:35,304 That's the only woman I've ever seen with a comb-over 264 00:18:35,534 --> 00:18:40,461 Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, my name's Tre Cooper, I represent Greg Lindley Jones 265 00:18:40,606 --> 00:18:44,337 You went in yesterday for Byron, didn't you? Yeah, I wasn't right for that 266 00:18:44,485 --> 00:18:50,023 No, you don't think you were right for that one but there are a lot of film people out there mentioning your name and a lot of roles I think you would be right for 267 00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:53,558 Yeah, I also heard you're not entirely happy with your show 268 00:18:53,677 --> 00:18:55,032 It's not how I wanted it to be 269 00:18:55,096 --> 00:18:57,956 Really? No You see, I think you should be on the top of the world 270 00:18:58,124 --> 00:19:01,267 What does it get each week? Seven million viewers? Six. Six. 271 00:19:01,465 --> 00:19:07,074 Seven million viewers watch your show every week because they respond to what you do and the reviews... 272 00:19:07,566 --> 00:19:12,067 I don't listen to the reviews No-one's down the pub talking about reviews, they're talking about your sitcom 273 00:19:12,656 --> 00:19:16,073 And you know what? there'll always gonna be people who don't like what you do. 0h, yeah 274 00:19:16,191 --> 00:19:20,951 So what ? If someone shouts "You're a wanker" you go, "Oh Yeah, look at my sports car" 275 00:19:21,219 --> 00:19:26,711 If they shout, "You're still a tosser!" say, "Really, interesting, How many catchphrases have you come up with?" 276 00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:27,395 None 277 00:19:27,843 --> 00:19:30,623 And if they're still shouting at just you, just drive away 278 00:19:30,741 --> 00:19:33,052 I would Drive to the bank, laughing 279 00:19:33,216 --> 00:19:35,430 Who's your agent? Darren Lamb 280 00:19:36,185 --> 00:19:39,577 I'm not being funny, but I've never heard of him and I've been in this business 15 years 281 00:19:39,872 --> 00:19:41,874 Where did he come from? Bristol 282 00:19:42,487 --> 00:19:45,031 No, which company did he start with? I don't think he ever worked for a company 283 00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:47,883 He has, he worked part time at the car phone warehouse 284 00:19:48,378 --> 00:19:51,419 Look, I don't know the guy Why would you, you're in the business? 285 00:19:52,055 --> 00:19:55,638 I don't want to disrespect him, but business is business 286 00:19:55,873 --> 00:19:59,408 and if there's any deadwood in your organisation, you have got to get rid of it 287 00:20:00,262 --> 00:20:04,833 It may seem harsh but life's cruel and no one痴 gonna help your career but you 288 00:20:06,341 --> 00:20:10,512 I'm an extra, and I love Clive Owen, can I get a part in that Byron film? 289 00:20:10,961 --> 00:20:14,142 That's alright, she's asking. Well done 290 00:20:15,061 --> 00:20:17,442 Consider it done My card 291 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,602 And seriously, if l can be of any help, call me, we'll sit down 292 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,817 Sorry for interrupting your meal It's all right 293 00:20:22,982 --> 00:20:26,894 0h, catch of the day, Dover sole, it is superb Have a great lunch. 294 00:20:27,130 --> 00:20:28,025 Cheers 295 00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:35,800 Oh, Elmer's looking over Oh, hello, hi ya 296 00:20:36,130 --> 00:20:39,240 I recommend the wabbit, I mean the rabbit 297 00:20:39,429 --> 00:20:40,796 She doesn't know, does she? 298 00:20:42,371 --> 00:20:44,186 How the hell did you do that? 299 00:20:44,281 --> 00:20:46,425 I don't know, they get stuck, don't they? That is... 300 00:20:47,581 --> 00:20:51,091 That's stuck fast, if I... that's gonna break... Well, don't break it 301 00:20:51,374 --> 00:20:53,702 I'll put it up over your head, yeah Are you ready? 302 00:20:54,980 --> 00:20:57,189 You just pull back, right? Ok, go! 303 00:20:58,109 --> 00:21:01,610 Just pull, Darren What about my head, brainiac! 304 00:21:01,670 --> 00:21:05,616 How is that... just pull back I can't help you if you don't pull back. I am pulling back 305 00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:08,612 What exactly is your plan? 306 00:21:09,014 --> 00:21:12,856 What are you actually intending to do now? Just you pull back 307 00:21:13,256 --> 00:21:18,747 Did you learn nothing in the fame academy, all right? Power is not everything, you just need to be subtle. 308 00:21:19,030 --> 00:21:21,269 Don't sing everything like it's bloody Mustang Sally 309 00:21:27,564 --> 00:21:31,806 OK, Clive... You, over here, please 310 00:21:32,347 --> 00:21:34,281 Quickly, quick sharp, yep, yep 311 00:21:35,529 --> 00:21:38,145 OK, so Byron's just spent the night with a prostitute. All right 312 00:21:38,217 --> 00:21:41,760 As he leaves in the morning, I thought he could just turn, 313 00:21:41,806 --> 00:21:43,857 and then throw the money on the floor with contempt 314 00:21:44,202 --> 00:21:46,451 and then say your line, "Thank you for your hospitality" 315 00:21:46,585 --> 00:21:50,749 Yeah, I'm not very happy with this. I know it's a bit aggressive, but it's just a character point. 316 00:21:50,885 --> 00:21:53,042 No, I mean this one been a prostitute 317 00:21:54,368 --> 00:21:55,228 I wouldn't pay for that 318 00:21:57,666 --> 00:21:59,580 Right... It's gotta be a better one than this 319 00:22:00,183 --> 00:22:05,131 Clive, seriously, they sent me a truckload of absolute hogs and this is the very best one 320 00:22:05,598 --> 00:22:07,242 Really? Yeah Jesus... 321 00:22:09,771 --> 00:22:14,432 I don't want to be difficult, it's just that I would never pay for a prostitute that looked like that 322 00:22:14,509 --> 00:22:15,443 No way Right... 323 00:22:15,653 --> 00:22:19,096 What if she wasn't a prostitute, if she was just a slut, so it was free? 324 00:22:19,607 --> 00:22:21,495 Yeah, I still could do better, though 325 00:22:22,127 --> 00:22:25,886 OK, what if she is a prostitute, but you refuse to pay? 326 00:22:26,144 --> 00:22:29,373 OK, so you don't throw money on the floor, you just...throw food 327 00:22:29,814 --> 00:22:31,198 and you make her eat it like a dog 328 00:22:31,376 --> 00:22:35,561 Well, I'm telling you. If I'd slept with that I wouldn't throw food on the floor, I'd throw it in her face 329 00:22:35,766 --> 00:22:38,211 OK, what food would you throw? Cause I've got to get props on to that 330 00:22:38,416 --> 00:22:42,780 It should be some kind of gruel as if I've found some oats on the stable floor, 331 00:22:43,220 --> 00:22:46,050 mix it with shit and like, wet cabbage 332 00:22:46,432 --> 00:22:49,878 What would be great is like when it claps into her face 333 00:22:50,203 --> 00:22:53,002 it just sort of looks like a rancid cowpat. OK 334 00:22:53,726 --> 00:22:58,205 No, I like that, I like that... Can we get the shit and the dung and the cabbage together 335 00:22:58,558 --> 00:23:01,858 Make sure it sticks to the face... It will. OK, let's try that then, please 336 00:23:02,004 --> 00:23:04,244 OK, for rehearsal then... Excuse me 337 00:23:05,855 --> 00:23:07,253 I'm not happy with that 338 00:23:09,207 --> 00:23:09,821 Sorry? 339 00:23:10,763 --> 00:23:13,899 I'm not happy with that. I don't want the dung on my face 340 00:23:14,228 --> 00:23:16,750 You get extra money, don't you worry about that. Don't care. 341 00:23:16,957 --> 00:23:22,284 Not bothered, I just don't want to do it, full stop Right, OK, you either do it, or you go home 342 00:23:29,108 --> 00:23:30,592 Ok... Ok, right 343 00:23:30,686 --> 00:23:31,441 See you then 344 00:23:33,537 --> 00:23:36,106 Honestly, I mean, you give these people a chance 345 00:23:36,389 --> 00:23:39,100 Got to get another on OK, you, over here, please 346 00:23:39,712 --> 00:23:43,411 Oh, fuck off, I'm Clive Owen That's mental ! 347 00:24:07,142 --> 00:24:12,539 Frankly, the BBC are taking the proverbial Seriously, the money you're getting for the show is an insult. 348 00:24:12,845 --> 00:24:15,769 I'm gonna get tough with them and we'll get this sorted for the next series 349 00:24:15,886 --> 00:24:19,821 I don't think I want to do another series. I've been thinking of knocking this on the head... 350 00:24:19,879 --> 00:24:22,509 With the right management behind you, there's a lot of money to be made 351 00:24:22,521 --> 00:24:25,850 I don't care. I'm not proud. I want to do bigger and better 352 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:29,731 I'm not proud of having Britain's no1 catchphrase Is there an Oscar for that? No 353 00:24:29,844 --> 00:24:32,560 No, but they are thinking of introducing a British Comedy Award for it 354 00:24:33,427 --> 00:24:34,295 Of course they are 355 00:24:34,860 --> 00:24:37,335 Look, I want to hold my head up 356 00:24:37,484 --> 00:24:42,852 To me, saying you've got Britain's no1 catchphrase is like saying you've got Britain's no1 wasting disease 357 00:24:45,319 --> 00:24:47,639 You're not Britain's no1 catchphrase any more. I'm not? 358 00:24:48,155 --> 00:24:49,737 You're not no1 anymore 359 00:24:51,580 --> 00:24:55,152 Good. To be totally...Who's number one? 360 00:24:55,336 --> 00:24:58,063 0h, it's..."Am I bowered?" 361 00:24:58,394 --> 00:25:01,779 What am I, no2 or something? No. no2 is, "You are the weakest link, goodbye." 362 00:25:01,835 --> 00:25:03,781 Then no3 is "You're having a laugh?" 363 00:25:03,843 --> 00:25:07,171 In at no3, it changes depending on what survey you are doing 364 00:25:07,283 --> 00:25:08,755 What survey is that? 365 00:25:08,942 --> 00:25:11,262 It's a survey of 8 to 11 year olds 366 00:25:12,538 --> 00:25:14,557 Well, if they want catchphrases I'll give 'em catchphrases 367 00:25:15,273 --> 00:25:17,026 I don't get it. 368 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:18,704 Is he having a laugh? 369 00:25:19,308 --> 00:25:20,704 I need a man ! 370 00:25:20,837 --> 00:25:22,176 Join the queue 371 00:25:23,893 --> 00:25:24,949 Oh, bugger me! 372 00:25:26,589 --> 00:25:27,796 He's out and about! 373 00:25:33,175 --> 00:25:36,853 Christmas time, mistletoe and wine... 374 00:25:37,042 --> 00:25:43,716 Children singing christian rhyme, with logs on the fire, gifts 'neath the tree... 375 00:25:43,848 --> 00:25:44,923 Any messages mate? 376 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:48,280 Yeah, a couple. BT called What, British Telecom? Oh, yeah 377 00:25:48,527 --> 00:25:50,712 What were they after? They wanted to know if you were happy with the service 378 00:25:50,733 --> 00:25:51,712 Very happy as well as very pleased 379 00:25:51,785 --> 00:25:54,416 That's what I told them cause I thought you were happy, but they wanted to talk to you specifically 380 00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:55,767 They would do cause my name's on the bill 381 00:25:55,966 --> 00:25:58,801 Yes it is, and apparently you could have free evening and weekend calls 382 00:25:58,946 --> 00:26:01,395 Oh, really, that's very generous of them, very nice, yeah Do they want me to call back? 383 00:26:01,625 --> 00:26:02,855 No, they said they'll call back 384 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,710 I don't mind calling them. I said you'd be back about two, It's ten to now so just wait for them to call 385 00:26:07,157 --> 00:26:09,390 I'll wait until just after two, if they haven't called, give them a bell 386 00:26:09,438 --> 00:26:09,786 yeah 387 00:26:09,836 --> 00:26:12,153 It's an 0800 number, so...free It's free 388 00:26:12,466 --> 00:26:13,432 Anything else, any other... 389 00:26:13,890 --> 00:26:15,628 Yes, Andy new agent called 390 00:26:15,675 --> 00:26:19,381 Andy's fired you and gone with a new bloke so you're no longer to have any dealings with him whatsoever 391 00:26:21,733 --> 00:26:24,000 Sorry, I was thinking about free evening and weekend calls What were you saying? 392 00:26:24,157 --> 00:26:25,388 Andy Millman, he's fired you 393 00:26:26,896 --> 00:26:27,764 What do you mean he's fired me? 394 00:26:27,968 --> 00:26:29,574 Well, you no longer Andy Millman's agent, so... 395 00:26:30,226 --> 00:26:32,832 Why are you telling me this now? Why did you tell me the BT stuff first? 396 00:26:32,967 --> 00:26:34,342 Because I'm doing it in chronological order 397 00:26:34,805 --> 00:26:37,001 I was excited about the BT stuff, now I'm depressed 398 00:26:37,048 --> 00:26:41,997 I didn't know that if I'd said, number one, Andy's fired you and number two, BT has offered you a generous new tariff, 399 00:26:42,057 --> 00:26:45,271 the good news would have been soured by the bad news anyway I didn't know what to do for the best 400 00:26:48,579 --> 00:26:49,183 He's fired me? 401 00:26:56,568 --> 00:26:57,183 Let me ask you this... 402 00:26:58,171 --> 00:26:59,499 Where do you want to be in 5 years of time? 403 00:27:00,657 --> 00:27:03,009 Sat in a Hollywood mansion watching my butler polish my Oscar 404 00:27:04,893 --> 00:27:07,174 It's good, thinking big, nothing wrong with that 405 00:27:07,763 --> 00:27:11,430 But first things first, what I'll need you to concentrate on is... Excuse me 406 00:27:12,129 --> 00:27:13,757 Yeah Richard Curtis for you 407 00:27:15,061 --> 00:27:17,487 Does he wanna talk about Africa again? I think so 408 00:27:17,914 --> 00:27:20,184 Tell him to donate the profits from the Vicar 0f Dibley 409 00:27:20,678 --> 00:27:21,958 They'll be eating like Dawn in no time 410 00:27:22,590 --> 00:27:24,255 harsh... life's cruel 411 00:27:24,605 --> 00:27:27,790 Er, listen, tell him you can't get hold of me, tell him I'm snowboarding Okay 412 00:27:27,987 --> 00:27:28,772 Sorry about that 413 00:27:29,206 --> 00:27:30,991 Profile, you need to boost your profile 414 00:27:31,101 --> 00:27:33,995 Success is all about getting your face seen Yeah 415 00:27:34,057 --> 00:27:37,826 Truth is, at the moment, Andy, you're kind of...you're C-list...top of the C-list, but 416 00:27:38,055 --> 00:27:39,381 I'm gonna get you on top of the A-list 417 00:27:39,532 --> 00:27:41,391 I can't snap my fingers and do that overnight 418 00:27:41,450 --> 00:27:43,092 You need to win an Emmy or direct something 419 00:27:43,102 --> 00:27:45,000 but we can get you to the top of the B-list pretty quickly 420 00:27:45,011 --> 00:27:46,860 just by making sure you're seen out and about 421 00:27:46,988 --> 00:27:50,458 movie premieres, celebrity gay weddings, stuff like that... 422 00:27:50,571 --> 00:27:52,909 You're single aren't you? Yeah Good 423 00:27:53,097 --> 00:27:57,735 Good, so firstly what we want you to do is be seen coming out of clubs and restaurants with some newsworthy trollops 424 00:27:57,828 --> 00:28:01,147 You shagged any of those tabloid beauties? 425 00:28:05,095 --> 00:28:05,434 no 426 00:28:06,491 --> 00:28:07,171 Not even that? 427 00:28:07,585 --> 00:28:07,848 no 428 00:28:08,283 --> 00:28:08,981 Isn't everyone? 429 00:28:09,264 --> 00:28:10,507 Not me What've you been doing? 430 00:28:10,753 --> 00:28:13,901 I know she's got a cancellation next Friday so we'll set something up for then 431 00:28:13,996 --> 00:28:16,031 No, no, I'm not into that. I don't want to do it that way 432 00:28:16,601 --> 00:28:19,826 Do you want to get on the B-list or not? Yes, but not the Hepatitis B list 433 00:28:21,353 --> 00:28:24,802 Right, OK, no, that's not a problem, I've got some contacts at the broadsheets 434 00:28:25,047 --> 00:28:25,368 right 435 00:28:25,858 --> 00:28:28,630 Paula, can you get me Emily Whitford at The Guardian, please Yep 436 00:29:00,339 --> 00:29:01,623 So what do you do? 437 00:29:01,978 --> 00:29:04,519 I was a film extra Oh, glamorous 438 00:29:04,802 --> 00:29:07,795 It's not really, I'm not doing it anymore, it's too depressing 439 00:29:08,437 --> 00:29:13,466 I'm too old to be right at the bottom of the pile being told what to do, scrabbling about in the dirt for a few quid an hour. 440 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:15,192 What do you do now? 441 00:29:15,984 --> 00:29:16,680 I'm a cleaner 442 00:29:19,101 --> 00:29:21,097 I scrabble around in the dirt for a few quid an hour 443 00:29:23,956 --> 00:29:26,621 Ok, so...here is the place 444 00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:29,982 here we go 445 00:29:52,338 --> 00:29:52,967 carpets... 446 00:29:57,874 --> 00:30:00,743 Spider? Yep, that won't be bothering you any more 447 00:30:01,467 --> 00:30:01,727 no 448 00:30:03,485 --> 00:30:04,427 You just gonna leave it there? 449 00:30:04,974 --> 00:30:05,398 If you want... 450 00:30:06,314 --> 00:30:07,955 No, I don't want it particularly 451 00:30:08,009 --> 00:30:11,317 Fine, that'll all be professionally cleaned. Scraped off 452 00:30:13,407 --> 00:30:14,131 Where is the bedroom? 453 00:30:14,432 --> 00:30:16,290 No, it's all in here 454 00:30:17,343 --> 00:30:18,041 What, this is it? 455 00:30:19,038 --> 00:30:20,637 Tiny little kitchen over here 456 00:30:21,155 --> 00:30:23,706 and...there is a lavatory 457 00:30:23,896 --> 00:30:26,753 It's everything you need, you'll never have to leave this place 458 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:28,194 If the worst comes to the worst 459 00:30:28,236 --> 00:30:31,652 if you were bedridden with a spinal injury or something, heaven forbid 460 00:30:32,077 --> 00:30:34,439 Then it's all here, should that happen 461 00:30:35,896 --> 00:30:36,784 Where do I sleep? 462 00:30:46,008 --> 00:30:48,345 Look at that...That's good, isn't it? 463 00:30:48,413 --> 00:30:50,641 That's like James Bond or something 464 00:30:51,007 --> 00:30:51,730 From Russia with love 465 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:54,603 Live And Let Die 466 00:30:54,972 --> 00:30:57,418 I can't put anything underneath that, can I? 467 00:30:57,472 --> 00:31:00,328 Yeah, of course you can, coffee table or what not just move it before you go to bed 468 00:31:00,397 --> 00:31:01,299 What, every single night? 469 00:31:01,485 --> 00:31:04,519 A chimpanzee makes a nest every night in a tree or whatever and he doesn't complain 470 00:31:05,599 --> 00:31:05,927 no 471 00:31:07,894 --> 00:31:09,371 I hadn't planned to live like a chimpanzee 472 00:31:10,411 --> 00:31:13,868 Well, this is the only place in your price range really, so... I know, I know 473 00:31:15,453 --> 00:31:16,682 What's the area like then? 474 00:31:17,872 --> 00:31:19,854 Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you 475 00:31:20,895 --> 00:31:22,973 There痴 is quite a large black and asian community, 476 00:31:23,041 --> 00:31:26,526 there's some chinese and it does get very Araby towards the high street 477 00:31:26,580 --> 00:31:28,151 but there is nothing we can do about it 478 00:31:28,207 --> 00:31:31,832 No, I mean, what it is like in term of the amenities, is there a supermarket? 479 00:31:31,900 --> 00:31:36,711 Oh, yeah, yeah a supermarket...Yes, there is a lot of lovely different shops around here 480 00:31:36,792 --> 00:31:41,297 It's a very cosmopolitan area for food, I mean do you like chinese food? Yes 481 00:31:41,352 --> 00:31:42,459 Asian food? 482 00:31:42,536 --> 00:31:43,997 Good for Halal meats 483 00:31:44,489 --> 00:31:46,717 Do you like jerk chicken, just like momma used to make? 484 00:31:47,401 --> 00:31:49,190 There is one of those...euh... 485 00:31:49,765 --> 00:31:52,239 I bet you can probably see it from the window 486 00:31:53,982 --> 00:31:54,297 Yep 487 00:31:54,994 --> 00:31:55,513 There it is 488 00:32:07,881 --> 00:32:09,205 Where have you been, we said 3 o'clock 489 00:32:09,288 --> 00:32:12,417 Sorry, I've been looking out for flats, I'm gonna have to downsize 490 00:32:12,551 --> 00:32:16,692 Tell me later. I'm about to do an interview, in a first session, the Weekend Guardian, really good publicity 491 00:32:17,052 --> 00:32:19,144 sort of the 'man behind the silly wig' and all that Woo 492 00:32:19,252 --> 00:32:21,849 When she gets here, you open the door for me 0h, no, why me? 493 00:32:21,917 --> 00:32:23,066 Say you're my P.A. 494 00:32:23,147 --> 00:32:26,263 Oh, no Yeah, give the illusion of life of success and everything, right? 495 00:32:26,399 --> 00:32:30,571 Then when we're in there, come in and go "Oh, Andy, sorry, Ridley Scott's on the phone" 496 00:32:30,763 --> 00:32:32,266 Who? Ridley Scott 497 00:32:32,307 --> 00:32:35,402 Who is that then? Oscar-winning director...Gladiator, Blade Runner 498 00:32:35,471 --> 00:32:36,304 Is he gonna call? 499 00:32:37,589 --> 00:32:38,478 He's not really gonna call 500 00:32:38,874 --> 00:32:40,610 No? You say he's on the phone 501 00:32:41,218 --> 00:32:43,553 And then, she'll think I'm a...player Ohh 502 00:32:43,636 --> 00:32:45,371 That's her, alright, okay... 503 00:32:45,597 --> 00:32:49,164 Answer the door and just look a bit secretarial. Do something... 504 00:32:55,187 --> 00:32:55,704 hello 505 00:32:56,088 --> 00:32:58,656 hi would you like to come this way 506 00:32:59,763 --> 00:33:00,269 Andy 507 00:33:01,116 --> 00:33:01,458 Hi 508 00:33:09,584 --> 00:33:10,569 Thank you, Mr. Millman 509 00:33:12,901 --> 00:33:16,046 Thanks for doing this My absolute pleasure, welcome to my humble abode 510 00:33:17,550 --> 00:33:18,876 You don't talk like I thought you would 511 00:33:19,011 --> 00:33:21,483 You've seen me in character, there's much more than silly wigs 512 00:33:21,526 --> 00:33:23,912 No, I've seen you on chat shows, you didn't speak like that 513 00:33:23,980 --> 00:33:27,956 No, but there is Andy Millman the writer, Andy Millman the actor, Andy Millman the charity worker... 514 00:33:28,038 --> 00:33:29,923 And who was that? Slash this slash that... 515 00:33:29,993 --> 00:33:31,045 That's how I thought you talked 516 00:33:32,537 --> 00:33:33,099 How do you want me to talk? 517 00:33:34,229 --> 00:33:35,651 Just normal like you're at home I'm at home 518 00:33:37,263 --> 00:33:39,286 Just speak like that then Can we tone it down? 519 00:33:40,994 --> 00:33:44,336 So, you mentioned your charity work. What charity are you involved with? 520 00:33:45,197 --> 00:33:45,674 Africa 521 00:33:46,864 --> 00:33:48,189 The main one that people care about, innit? 522 00:33:49,129 --> 00:33:52,259 You're not going to release an awful comedy single, are you, for charity, 523 00:33:52,410 --> 00:33:54,390 so you can get in the charts and boost your profile? 524 00:33:54,451 --> 00:33:55,873 Not just so I can boost my profile, no 525 00:33:55,995 --> 00:33:57,650 But you are releasing a comedy single? 526 00:33:57,786 --> 00:34:01,410 Well, no, it's me as Ray, doing a cover of Nine To Five, 527 00:34:01,959 --> 00:34:05,403 and it's a fun video, cos we've got loads of sort of celebs in it 528 00:34:06,490 --> 00:34:09,783 We've got Craig Charles, Sam Fox, jade Goody's mum 529 00:34:10,056 --> 00:34:10,631 god 530 00:34:11,641 --> 00:34:12,447 Bunch of saddos 531 00:34:12,570 --> 00:34:15,769 Well, the good ones didn't want to do it, did they? We had to use look-alikes for some of them 532 00:34:16,287 --> 00:34:16,944 They will be sorry, though 533 00:34:17,658 --> 00:34:19,682 when it gets number one And we'll get number one 534 00:34:19,737 --> 00:34:23,016 so let's not slag it off before it's saved some Ethiopians 535 00:34:26,883 --> 00:34:27,471 You in a hurry? 536 00:34:28,077 --> 00:34:30,045 0h, no, no, sorry, I've got another interview to get to 537 00:34:30,755 --> 00:34:33,228 I'm a little nervous actually Why, for meeting me? 538 00:34:33,408 --> 00:34:36,154 No, god no. Have you seen the Byron film? Yeah 539 00:34:36,441 --> 00:34:38,477 I'm interviewing Greg Lindley Jones 540 00:34:38,537 --> 00:34:39,807 Why are you nervous about meeting him? 541 00:34:40,272 --> 00:34:43,811 He's got such a sort of brooding intensity, he's like a young Richard Burn 542 00:34:44,918 --> 00:34:46,516 Young Richard Simon more like 543 00:34:47,176 --> 00:34:49,418 Well, I'm not slagging him off but let's not... 544 00:34:49,555 --> 00:34:51,728 Mr. Millman, the phone call has just come in 545 00:34:52,015 --> 00:34:52,713 Oh, who is it? 546 00:34:53,518 --> 00:34:54,435 Is it Wiggly Scott? 547 00:34:54,517 --> 00:34:59,453 Ridley Scott, yeah. The award winning director of Gladiator and Blade Runner 548 00:34:59,658 --> 00:35:02,008 What does he want? Cheers. Sorry about this 549 00:35:02,637 --> 00:35:06,506 Hey, Ridley, I can't talk now, I'm out with a journal. Say hello from me. 550 00:35:07,002 --> 00:35:07,631 what? 551 00:35:08,068 --> 00:35:10,869 We know each other from Cannes. Say hello from me. Emily Whitford 552 00:35:12,701 --> 00:35:13,452 Emily Whitford 553 00:35:14,552 --> 00:35:15,960 What's he say? Nothing 554 00:35:16,521 --> 00:35:18,448 Ask him how is ankle is. He'll laugh Will he? 555 00:35:20,716 --> 00:35:21,482 How's your ankle? 556 00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:23,655 Is he laughing? 557 00:35:24,446 --> 00:35:24,939 sort of 558 00:35:26,023 --> 00:35:27,088 Let me speak to him What? 559 00:35:27,469 --> 00:35:29,287 Let her speak to him Let me speak to him 560 00:35:29,370 --> 00:35:30,846 Hold on, All right 561 00:35:35,963 --> 00:35:37,424 Oh, what's he done? Hung up? 562 00:35:38,095 --> 00:35:40,637 Why is he done that. Sorry about that, cheers 563 00:35:43,999 --> 00:35:46,036 Can I ask you a few questions? What about? 564 00:35:46,357 --> 00:35:48,215 I'm not very good at general knowledge 565 00:35:49,057 --> 00:35:50,545 No, about working for Andy 566 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:51,557 Probably not a good idea 567 00:35:51,692 --> 00:35:53,428 Also, if you are in a hurry... 568 00:35:53,606 --> 00:35:56,107 Cheers for that, it was... So how long have you worked for Andy? 569 00:35:57,972 --> 00:35:59,342 3 hours No, think 570 00:35:59,698 --> 00:36:00,461 3 hours? 571 00:36:00,545 --> 00:36:01,159 no 572 00:36:01,556 --> 00:36:02,677 What is she talking about? 573 00:36:03,456 --> 00:36:04,726 Just be honest, come on 574 00:36:06,476 --> 00:36:07,789 3 ears 575 00:36:08,451 --> 00:36:10,283 No, 3 years 576 00:36:10,665 --> 00:36:12,961 Yeah, that's make more sense Certainly 577 00:36:13,562 --> 00:36:15,351 And what's he like as a boss? 578 00:36:16,282 --> 00:36:17,429 A wanker no... 579 00:36:17,511 --> 00:36:19,246 He's a wanker? No, she didn't mean that 580 00:36:19,436 --> 00:36:21,321 Listen, listen, listen to her 581 00:36:23,549 --> 00:36:25,599 He plays darts, all the time 582 00:36:25,654 --> 00:36:30,869 I love darts. I don't know why, I've just I've always wanted to be like Eric Bristow 583 00:36:31,470 --> 00:36:33,190 Is she actually your P.A.? Is she... 584 00:36:33,588 --> 00:36:35,295 Is she actually your P.A.? Who? 585 00:36:36,823 --> 00:36:38,941 That's lady there, is she actually your P.A.? 586 00:36:38,997 --> 00:36:40,486 Sorry, I don't know what do you mean by actually 587 00:36:41,511 --> 00:36:42,577 Well, do you employ her? 588 00:36:42,686 --> 00:36:44,343 Employ is a strong term Strong in what term? 589 00:36:44,387 --> 00:36:47,938 In a sense that it's a bit weird to ask someone about their PA when they are being interviewed 590 00:36:48,072 --> 00:36:50,556 Well, it's just a clarification, really. About the article 591 00:36:50,570 --> 00:36:54,401 She said she's my PA, you've seen me get along with it, so based on that what assessment are you trying to make? 592 00:36:54,434 --> 00:36:55,861 Well, I get the impression she's not your P.A. 593 00:36:56,194 --> 00:36:58,529 Opposite impression that I would want, from this... 594 00:36:58,594 --> 00:37:00,618 Did Ridley Scott actually phoned you earlier? 595 00:37:01,159 --> 00:37:02,580 According to her, are you calling her a liar? 596 00:37:02,739 --> 00:37:05,255 So he'll remember phoning you, will he? If l speak to him later 597 00:37:05,334 --> 00:37:08,369 What's his memory like? You know him better than me But you spoke to him earlier on the phone, didn't you? 598 00:37:08,411 --> 00:37:09,025 Yeah, couldn't hear him 599 00:37:09,836 --> 00:37:12,667 But you were relaying my messages to him Yeesss 600 00:37:12,843 --> 00:37:16,850 Yes, well done, and I am saying now, admitting I couldn't hear a word 601 00:37:18,066 --> 00:37:20,513 Could you just answer the question - is she your PA? 602 00:37:27,246 --> 00:37:28,024 No, it's a joke. 603 00:37:31,144 --> 00:37:33,514 Of course she's pretending, it's a wind-up 604 00:37:34,303 --> 00:37:36,161 It's just something we always do to journalists 605 00:37:36,248 --> 00:37:38,148 You always do? What do you mean by always? 606 00:37:39,728 --> 00:37:42,312 Do you need a P.A. in real life Andy? No 607 00:37:43,785 --> 00:37:45,131 Cause I can do with the money 608 00:37:50,740 --> 00:37:51,744 Should I pack then? 609 00:37:52,513 --> 00:37:53,709 Yep, may as well 610 00:37:54,414 --> 00:37:55,972 Bought that as a gift for Andy 611 00:37:56,399 --> 00:37:58,151 Didn't want it, wasn't interested 612 00:37:58,833 --> 00:38:01,375 Should have known then something was brewing. How about these? 613 00:38:02,889 --> 00:38:08,226 Nothing in 'em, just put 'em up there in case the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults 614 00:38:09,017 --> 00:38:10,148 Kids can be cruel 615 00:38:11,121 --> 00:38:12,230 Yeah, they can 616 00:38:12,571 --> 00:38:14,664 What do they say? You know what they say 617 00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:16,330 Lanky four-eyed twat? Yeah 618 00:38:16,886 --> 00:38:19,020 Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp? Sometimes 619 00:38:19,426 --> 00:38:22,501 Frankenstein's albino gonk? I never heard that one 620 00:38:23,227 --> 00:38:27,007 It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings 621 00:38:27,339 --> 00:38:29,176 Sheep shagger they said sometimes as well 622 00:38:29,261 --> 00:38:31,908 I thought sheep shagger was Welsh? No, it can be Bristol as well 623 00:38:32,079 --> 00:38:33,232 I thought Bristol was inbreeding 624 00:38:33,450 --> 00:38:37,037 Sheep shagging, inbreeding, slavery, we're famous for loads of stuff down there 625 00:38:37,358 --> 00:38:37,913 alright 626 00:38:40,389 --> 00:38:40,687 Barry? 627 00:38:41,607 --> 00:38:41,864 yeah 628 00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:44,062 Could do with a hug, mate 629 00:38:46,134 --> 00:38:46,625 Yeah 630 00:38:51,764 --> 00:38:53,301 Queers Ignore him 631 00:39:18,540 --> 00:39:20,440 Show me the money 632 00:39:20,526 --> 00:39:24,262 So, "When the Whistle Blows", the BBC are begging for a Christmas Special... No 633 00:39:25,049 --> 00:39:26,607 What do you mean no? I don't want to do it anymore 634 00:39:26,734 --> 00:39:30,172 You'll be mad to say no I don't care, that's it, I want to do Hollywood films 635 00:39:30,299 --> 00:39:33,268 or TV, but cool TV, American TV 636 00:39:33,375 --> 00:39:35,168 We've got cool TV over here, I've got offers 637 00:39:35,254 --> 00:39:38,244 Alright, do you want to be an alien, in doctor who? No 638 00:39:39,119 --> 00:39:41,405 They offered you a guest part in Hotel Babylon 639 00:39:41,490 --> 00:39:43,350 What part of "cool" don't you understand? 640 00:39:43,969 --> 00:39:45,784 Alright, well, we've had a movie offer 641 00:39:46,424 --> 00:39:47,386 Buddy film Oh... 642 00:39:47,471 --> 00:39:50,183 No, no listen, it's a comedy, starring Rob Schneider 643 00:39:50,311 --> 00:39:53,237 as a horny deliveryman who looks exactly like the Prime Minister 644 00:39:53,342 --> 00:39:54,623 Rob will be playing both parts 645 00:39:55,923 --> 00:39:56,712 Get me a Hollywood film. 646 00:39:58,988 --> 00:40:05,159 Andy, with all due respect, I really don't think Martin Scorsese is gonna be sitting in his London hotel room flicking through the channels going, 647 00:40:05,308 --> 00:40:08,938 I've never seen this bloke before, shouting "You having a laugh?" but I think I've got a wig that will fit him 648 00:40:09,152 --> 00:40:10,197 Why would you say that to me? 649 00:40:10,305 --> 00:40:12,664 Because you have chosen a very specific path 650 00:40:12,771 --> 00:40:16,636 I want to get off it. If that's what it takes to get respect, then definitely I'm gonna finish it 651 00:40:16,721 --> 00:40:22,999 I don't want to come up with more wacky characters , shouting catchphrases to appeal to kids and morons 652 00:40:23,138 --> 00:40:25,659 I want to do something credible. I might want to direct one day 653 00:40:25,744 --> 00:40:29,075 and I'm not gonna get respect like this, so I'm finishing the sitcom 654 00:40:29,158 --> 00:40:30,841 That's mad, that's killing a cash cow 655 00:40:30,909 --> 00:40:33,013 I'm ending the sitcom, there you go 656 00:40:33,529 --> 00:40:33,844 done 657 00:40:34,225 --> 00:40:35,566 Alright, yeah, you could do that 658 00:40:36,599 --> 00:40:39,358 or you could think people are still watching 659 00:40:39,837 --> 00:40:40,670 let's milk it 660 00:40:41,190 --> 00:40:43,902 If people are stupid enough to keep on watching it, let's keep on giving it to them 661 00:40:43,970 --> 00:40:45,461 They've seen it all before 662 00:40:45,625 --> 00:40:49,909 They've seen everything, every sketch, slightly rewritten, every character 663 00:40:49,963 --> 00:40:53,693 They've heard every catchphrase shouted a thousand times Yes... 664 00:40:54,346 --> 00:40:56,983 but, have they seen an episode set in Spain? 665 00:41:04,350 --> 00:41:05,074 It's great, thanks 666 00:41:10,562 --> 00:41:11,355 Excuse me 667 00:41:11,451 --> 00:41:12,981 Sorry to bother you 668 00:41:13,091 --> 00:41:15,320 I'm an extra, but I知 an actor, really 669 00:41:15,442 --> 00:41:17,487 and I know you've been in my position and 670 00:41:18,475 --> 00:41:22,158 I just wonder if there is a line or a few lines you need someone to do 671 00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:23,492 I'll really appreciate the opportunity 672 00:41:23,734 --> 00:41:26,028 I'm not really involved with casting What's your name? 673 00:41:26,135 --> 00:41:26,482 Phil 674 00:41:26,562 --> 00:41:30,085 I will have a word with the floor manager, if anything comes up, I'll put a word in for you 675 00:41:30,219 --> 00:41:32,274 Thank you, sorry to bother you That's all right 676 00:41:39,805 --> 00:41:41,166 Why do the extras are coming to me? 677 00:41:41,486 --> 00:41:42,020 sorry? 678 00:41:42,127 --> 00:41:45,997 Why are the extras waving out and bothering me? why are they not in their paddock or wherever you keep 'em? 679 00:41:46,237 --> 00:41:49,226 I think they sort of look up to you were in their boat a while ago 680 00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:52,456 Alright, so I'll sit down with them and reminisce about old times? 681 00:41:52,713 --> 00:41:55,623 or should I go on with my job, that pays their wages and yours? 682 00:41:56,158 --> 00:41:57,679 Sorry, I didn't realize 683 00:41:59,144 --> 00:42:00,908 I'll tell him, not to do it again 684 00:42:01,043 --> 00:42:03,578 No, he won't do it again, cause I won't be around again 685 00:42:04,699 --> 00:42:06,141 Okay Yeah? 686 00:42:38,570 --> 00:42:39,423 Hey, my man 687 00:42:39,717 --> 00:42:43,319 Hello there, Darren Lamb. I'm here to see Andy Millman, star of "When the wind blows" 688 00:42:43,427 --> 00:42:45,349 It's "The whistle" Yes, if I could just... 689 00:42:46,016 --> 00:42:46,950 Do you have a pass? 690 00:42:47,699 --> 00:42:50,021 No, I'm a friend of his, I'll just go...There is no problem 691 00:42:50,635 --> 00:42:52,369 I can't let anyone in without a pass 692 00:42:52,770 --> 00:42:53,330 no? 693 00:42:54,291 --> 00:42:57,095 We are friends but we've had a bit of a falling out 694 00:42:57,343 --> 00:42:59,797 I don't want to hassle you with it, but if I could just... 695 00:43:00,225 --> 00:43:02,387 I can't help you, sorry sir Okay, that's all right 696 00:43:03,961 --> 00:43:04,576 Thanks a lot 697 00:43:19,026 --> 00:43:19,775 What's happened? 698 00:43:20,549 --> 00:43:24,580 I think we both know what's happened, don't we, really What's happened is I've tried to jump over the barrier 699 00:43:24,712 --> 00:43:26,473 and that ain't panned out as I had hoped 700 00:43:26,784 --> 00:43:32,949 and so if you just let me free, I'll go home and say nothing more about it, we'll both have a lovely Christmas. That sounds like a plan don't it? 701 00:43:34,579 --> 00:43:35,299 What are you doing? 702 00:43:35,450 --> 00:43:37,691 Mate, I know this woman They won't let me in 703 00:43:37,932 --> 00:43:40,787 You have not got a pass? No, I知 just trying to get and see Andy 704 00:43:40,894 --> 00:43:43,351 every time I've tried to phone him, he's always on voice mail 705 00:43:43,483 --> 00:43:45,513 Can she just walk me in? Not without a pass 706 00:43:45,725 --> 00:43:46,926 It's all about a pass with you, innit? 707 00:43:47,076 --> 00:43:48,197 Can I get him a pass 708 00:43:49,031 --> 00:43:49,634 Yeah, why not 709 00:43:49,838 --> 00:43:50,945 I'm gonna get a pass from Andy 710 00:43:51,368 --> 00:43:52,299 Wait there Cheers 711 00:44:01,348 --> 00:44:02,249 Ooh, There you are 712 00:44:02,713 --> 00:44:04,627 Andy, I've just seen Darren up there 713 00:44:04,749 --> 00:44:06,252 And he says he can't get in 714 00:44:06,402 --> 00:44:07,305 And why are you telling me? 715 00:44:07,806 --> 00:44:10,089 Well, he says I keeps trying to call you but your phone's switched off 716 00:44:10,211 --> 00:44:12,889 No, it's not. I just don't answer when I see it's him 717 00:44:13,957 --> 00:44:16,286 Can we not just get him a pass and he can sit up in the back? 718 00:44:16,313 --> 00:44:17,229 I don't want him in here 719 00:44:18,185 --> 00:44:20,304 I know, but I told him I would get him in 720 00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:21,829 Well, you lied 721 00:44:23,059 --> 00:44:24,575 He says he really wants to see you 722 00:44:24,684 --> 00:44:25,545 Life's cruel 723 00:44:26,639 --> 00:44:28,266 So I've got to go and tell him he can't get in? 724 00:44:29,796 --> 00:44:30,247 And Maggie... 725 00:44:32,038 --> 00:44:33,363 You can't keep coming up to me 726 00:44:34,442 --> 00:44:35,098 I can't what? 727 00:44:35,181 --> 00:44:37,435 You can't keep coming up and talk to me in front of the other extras 728 00:44:37,543 --> 00:44:41,076 They see you, they go "Oh, she's an extra, she's his equal, maybe we're his equal" 729 00:44:41,828 --> 00:44:44,070 I'm not an extra Not, you were 730 00:44:45,474 --> 00:44:46,363 And so were you 731 00:44:48,673 --> 00:44:49,520 I'm a little bit busy 732 00:44:59,947 --> 00:45:00,371 alright? 733 00:45:02,366 --> 00:45:03,980 Andy can't get you a pass 734 00:45:04,703 --> 00:45:06,703 He said he's really sorry and, 735 00:45:06,787 --> 00:45:11,042 that he will love to have you in there but he just...can't 736 00:45:11,075 --> 00:45:15,435 bend the rules, fire regulations or something 737 00:45:16,302 --> 00:45:19,773 That makes sense. I imagine the fire regulations are quite strict at the BBC, aren't they? 738 00:45:21,675 --> 00:45:23,508 Alright well, thanks for trying 739 00:45:23,777 --> 00:45:24,944 It's okay 740 00:45:25,278 --> 00:45:28,615 Nice to see you again You too, bye 741 00:45:47,774 --> 00:45:49,908 Oh, It's good to be back 742 00:45:50,210 --> 00:45:53,979 But what a perfect holiday and everything has worked out brilliantly 743 00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:58,758 It certainly has, I'm getting married to the man of my dreams 744 00:45:59,023 --> 00:46:00,825 I got that promotion I wanted 745 00:46:01,192 --> 00:46:02,927 And ever since Gobbler fell off that donkey, 746 00:46:03,428 --> 00:46:04,728 he's not been the same 747 00:46:05,696 --> 00:46:06,697 Indeed not, 748 00:46:06,933 --> 00:46:13,671 As Confucius once said, "They must often change, who would be constant in happiness and wisdom" 749 00:46:13,905 --> 00:46:14,806 I don't get it 750 00:46:15,839 --> 00:46:18,808 Brains is so much happier now that he's out of the closet 751 00:46:18,851 --> 00:46:19,752 Oh, I am 752 00:46:20,144 --> 00:46:24,441 In fact, last night I went on a wonderful date with a lovely man, 753 00:46:24,982 --> 00:46:27,610 he took me to a sea food restaurant, 754 00:46:27,868 --> 00:46:30,288 fed me my favourite meal 755 00:46:30,745 --> 00:46:32,622 Fist you? No, he certainly did not 756 00:46:34,306 --> 00:46:36,163 It was our first date 757 00:46:36,933 --> 00:46:40,093 I didn't mean "did he fi..", I meant, are you having a laugh? 758 00:46:40,498 --> 00:46:41,781 Is he having a laugh? 759 00:46:44,768 --> 00:46:45,645 Now he gets it 760 00:46:45,901 --> 00:46:46,991 Oh I get it 761 00:46:47,161 --> 00:46:49,318 I'm getting it We're all getting it 762 00:46:56,635 --> 00:46:58,770 Merry Christmas to everyone 763 00:47:13,633 --> 00:47:14,512 Thank you 764 00:47:15,900 --> 00:47:17,801 Thank you very much I love you Andy ! 765 00:47:17,971 --> 00:47:18,548 Thank you 766 00:47:19,038 --> 00:47:20,042 You having a laugh? 767 00:47:20,576 --> 00:47:21,815 Well, not actually 768 00:47:21,900 --> 00:47:25,294 Which is why this will be the last ever episodes of "When the whistle blows" 769 00:47:28,224 --> 00:47:29,995 Well, I'll never have to wear this stupid wig again 770 00:47:37,513 --> 00:47:39,519 Truth be told, it's gone on for... 771 00:47:40,053 --> 00:47:42,744 far too long, I think three series should be enough for everyone 772 00:47:42,851 --> 00:47:45,800 I don't get it! Obviously, not enough for some people 773 00:47:45,870 --> 00:47:47,438 Andy, why are you stopping the show? 774 00:47:47,898 --> 00:47:49,998 Because, it's not what I wanted to do 775 00:47:50,203 --> 00:47:51,616 You know, with my life... 776 00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:54,401 shout a catchphrase to a load of morons for a livings 777 00:47:54,740 --> 00:47:55,352 no, euh... 778 00:47:57,595 --> 00:47:58,076 well, don't... 779 00:48:00,427 --> 00:48:01,269 Merry Christmas 780 00:48:08,247 --> 00:48:08,935 Thank you very much 781 00:48:09,186 --> 00:48:13,888 Who the hell do you think you are? You've just announced to the audience you are quitting the show 782 00:48:13,974 --> 00:48:17,014 without even consulting us, without even telling us It's nothing to do with you, is it? 783 00:48:17,097 --> 00:48:19,066 What do you mean, it has nothing to do with us? If I want to stop, that's it 784 00:48:19,087 --> 00:48:22,601 No, it's the lack of professionalism, Andy, it's the arrogance... 785 00:48:22,650 --> 00:48:26,138 Oh, oh, When I first got into this, you were the great "I am" holding me to ransom 786 00:48:26,149 --> 00:48:28,795 the shoe was on the other foot and now you don't like it, do you? No, I don't 787 00:48:28,823 --> 00:48:32,204 Well if I want to stop, I'll stop. I want to do other stuff, alright, I want to move on 788 00:48:32,426 --> 00:48:35,096 Live with it, you stay here if you want, scrambling around, chasing ratings 789 00:48:35,228 --> 00:48:36,456 but I want to do something else 790 00:48:36,514 --> 00:48:40,257 It's a really interesting way of looking at things, after everything that we done for you 791 00:48:40,386 --> 00:48:45,187 Oh...life's cruel Yes, it can be, good luck and, eh, you've got lots of things lined up, have you? 792 00:48:46,422 --> 00:48:49,058 Don't worry about me The phone won't stop ringing 793 00:49:06,249 --> 00:49:07,482 Tre Cooper, please 794 00:49:07,883 --> 00:49:08,583 Andy Millman 795 00:49:10,919 --> 00:49:13,721 Yeah, good, right, listen to this. What's hot? 796 00:49:13,923 --> 00:49:19,027 Greg Lindley Jones, who charmed the nation this week on Desert Island Discs with a stream of hilarious anecdotes 797 00:49:19,353 --> 00:49:21,544 that recalled the great Peter Ustinov at his best 798 00:49:21,804 --> 00:49:24,567 What's not? Andy Millman. Are we having a laugh? 799 00:49:24,776 --> 00:49:28,529 For about five minutes we were, but Andy Millman's Christmas special hit an all-time low 800 00:49:28,686 --> 00:49:31,174 The jokes were filthier than Mrs. Slocombe's pussy 801 00:49:31,259 --> 00:49:35,725 with no new projects on the horizon, Millman is fast becoming as out of date as his gags 802 00:49:35,811 --> 00:49:38,817 Aren't you meant to get me some decent work? I mean, I quit the show three weeks ago 803 00:49:48,017 --> 00:49:50,768 Excuse me, is it okay if I go? It's nearly half past 804 00:49:50,799 --> 00:49:52,551 OK, see you tomorrow. Thanks 805 00:50:11,648 --> 00:50:12,141 Hi 806 00:50:13,521 --> 00:50:14,504 Where have you been, you're late 807 00:50:15,025 --> 00:50:15,570 Sorry 808 00:50:16,651 --> 00:50:17,252 Look at this 809 00:50:18,618 --> 00:50:19,396 worst table 810 00:50:20,228 --> 00:50:21,649 I'm just happy to be sitting down 811 00:50:22,360 --> 00:50:24,205 Oh, look, it's your friend, Vernon Kay 812 00:50:25,039 --> 00:50:25,517 Vernon 813 00:50:26,392 --> 00:50:27,880 Hey, Donnie Millman Andy 814 00:50:28,455 --> 00:50:29,590 See you later What? 815 00:50:31,347 --> 00:50:34,534 If he's forgetting my name, how the hell is he going to read an autocue? 816 00:50:36,528 --> 00:50:38,687 Look at this, the Guardian stitched me up 817 00:50:39,464 --> 00:50:41,680 There's a whiff of desperation about Andy Millman 818 00:50:41,977 --> 00:50:45,312 Our entire interview was more bizarre than an episode of "When the whistle blows" 819 00:50:45,517 --> 00:50:48,319 Every answer he gave sounded like he was reading from a press release, 820 00:50:48,618 --> 00:50:52,390 full of boasts, hyperbole and the occasional bare-faced lie 821 00:50:52,941 --> 00:50:57,654 He seems desperate for the headline to be "All's well in the Millman camp, next stop Hollywood" 822 00:50:59,431 --> 00:51:02,150 This is gonna be a fun lunch then Hein? 823 00:51:03,475 --> 00:51:05,443 It痴 just we never seem to have a laugh any more 824 00:51:06,331 --> 00:51:09,080 When you had nothing and we were both extras, we had more of a laugh 825 00:51:09,625 --> 00:51:11,689 No, we didn't, I hated it, it was shit 826 00:51:14,874 --> 00:51:15,300 Okay 827 00:51:15,557 --> 00:51:18,100 I was always moaning You're always moaning now 828 00:51:18,879 --> 00:51:22,883 You moan about the Ray dolls but they did buy you a house that overlooks Hampstead Heath 829 00:51:24,012 --> 00:51:28,128 You moan about the sitcom that it gets six million viewers but it's the wrong six million 830 00:51:28,425 --> 00:51:30,421 But at least it gets six million viewers 831 00:51:31,099 --> 00:51:34,816 At least you've accomplished something, even if it's not exactly what you wanted 832 00:51:37,113 --> 00:51:38,411 I've accomplished nothing 833 00:51:39,164 --> 00:51:41,679 I have brought nothing...to the world 834 00:51:41,748 --> 00:51:42,363 Look at that 835 00:51:42,951 --> 00:51:45,915 Harold Pinter and his wife, having lunch with Geri Halliwell 836 00:51:46,806 --> 00:51:47,938 Why am I not over there? 837 00:51:50,787 --> 00:51:52,140 I don't know, do you like Geri Halliwell? 838 00:51:52,864 --> 00:51:53,233 no 839 00:51:53,876 --> 00:51:56,514 no...why am I not having lunch with Harold Pinter and his wife? 840 00:51:57,430 --> 00:51:59,616 Well, I'm sorry you stuck at this table, then 841 00:51:59,907 --> 00:52:00,357 What? 842 00:52:01,492 --> 00:52:05,250 I'm not sure you should actually even come here, this place just seems to annoy you 843 00:52:05,851 --> 00:52:08,843 You're always saying, he's got an acting part that you wanted or 844 00:52:08,966 --> 00:52:11,603 he's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it 845 00:52:12,180 --> 00:52:17,934 If you worry about things like that you're, you're never going to be happy, no matter how successful you are 846 00:52:18,261 --> 00:52:19,848 You'll never be famous enough 847 00:52:22,417 --> 00:52:23,852 Thank you doctor Freud, 848 00:52:24,393 --> 00:52:25,323 nice conversation 849 00:52:31,155 --> 00:52:32,138 What would you rather be? 850 00:52:32,739 --> 00:52:38,016 A penguin that can't fly but it swims around in the water like a fish but it is a bird 851 00:52:38,219 --> 00:52:42,328 or a flying fish that can fly but is essentially still just a fish... 852 00:52:42,351 --> 00:52:44,724 Oh Maggie, I can't do these stupid questions anymore 853 00:52:44,881 --> 00:52:46,674 Seriously, we're grown ups 854 00:52:50,003 --> 00:52:51,733 Ah, Andy Millman, 855 00:52:52,479 --> 00:52:56,387 you probably want to turn to page 17, a rather perceptive interview with yours truly 856 00:52:57,370 --> 00:52:59,120 the one that says "Next stop Hollywood" 857 00:52:59,227 --> 00:53:01,406 I've seen it, nice photo Thank you 858 00:53:01,533 --> 00:53:03,818 Thank you, yes, apparently, I have a brooding intensity 859 00:53:04,907 --> 00:53:06,150 Anyway, I'm going to love you and leave you 860 00:53:06,363 --> 00:53:09,824 Don't let him have a pudding, we don't want him bursting out all over the place 861 00:53:26,942 --> 00:53:27,775 Do you want me to sign that? 862 00:53:28,116 --> 00:53:29,463 No, we're alright man, cheers 863 00:53:30,232 --> 00:53:31,151 There is no one else in there 864 00:53:31,192 --> 00:53:32,328 No, it's all right, leave it, yeah 865 00:53:32,392 --> 00:53:33,862 Well, you'll never get it filled 866 00:53:44,500 --> 00:53:46,276 All right? How's it going? just getting lunch 867 00:53:46,374 --> 00:53:48,056 What have you gone for? Yeah, "Filet au fish" 868 00:53:48,077 --> 00:53:48,744 Alright, yeah 869 00:53:48,830 --> 00:53:49,727 It's good and tasty 870 00:53:50,575 --> 00:53:54,037 Good for you, isn't it, fish? Yeah, you're meant to have two portions a week, or? 871 00:53:54,059 --> 00:53:57,447 Yeah, it's got fatty acids, which are very good for you apparently and omega 872 00:53:59,413 --> 00:53:59,961 It's good 873 00:54:01,976 --> 00:54:02,672 Are you alright? 874 00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:04,243 Good, yeah Excellent 875 00:54:04,530 --> 00:54:05,829 I'd better crack on 876 00:54:06,226 --> 00:54:10,175 Darren, what you doing? It's quarter past two. Yes, all right, calm down, mate, you're not the boss of me, he's not the boss. 877 00:54:12,375 --> 00:54:12,880 Alright, Andy? 878 00:54:13,952 --> 00:54:15,694 Yeah You were due back 15 minutes ago 879 00:54:15,735 --> 00:54:17,928 Yeah, alright, keep your hair transplant on, I'm coming in, aren't I? 880 00:54:18,892 --> 00:54:19,172 See you later 881 00:54:19,828 --> 00:54:20,269 See you later 882 00:54:22,837 --> 00:54:24,467 You alright? Yeah, good. Good 883 00:54:25,520 --> 00:54:26,758 No hard feelings, you know? 884 00:54:26,791 --> 00:54:27,374 No, sure 885 00:54:27,632 --> 00:54:29,486 I needed someone to further my career... 886 00:54:30,047 --> 00:54:32,536 We all know, you know, he wasn't the best agent in the world, you know, 887 00:54:33,464 --> 00:54:34,229 but he was loyal 888 00:54:34,352 --> 00:54:34,884 yeah.. 889 00:54:35,172 --> 00:54:36,552 and he tries hard yeah... 890 00:54:37,373 --> 00:54:42,045 Be careful mate Fame is a mask that eats...into the face 891 00:54:43,622 --> 00:54:46,675 Barry, can you stop nattering, please? Dean's got a question for you 892 00:54:46,782 --> 00:54:48,810 Did you tell someone the Nokia 8600 came with... 893 00:54:50,071 --> 00:54:51,693 Oh, hello, mate, "Are you having a laugh?" 894 00:54:55,623 --> 00:54:59,635 I thought you were lying when you used to go on about him all the time. I didn't used to go on about him all the time, I didn't mention him... 895 00:55:01,236 --> 00:55:02,413 See you later yeah 896 00:55:10,393 --> 00:55:11,841 Were you really his agent once? 897 00:55:11,896 --> 00:55:12,429 yes 898 00:55:13,850 --> 00:55:15,067 I need a new agent 899 00:55:15,134 --> 00:55:15,627 why? 900 00:55:17,022 --> 00:55:18,838 Because I'm working in Carphone Warehouse 901 00:56:45,618 --> 00:56:48,092 I quit the show five months ago 902 00:56:48,283 --> 00:56:50,950 I'm sat here like a lemon, you're not getting me anything 903 00:56:51,827 --> 00:56:55,351 No, I told you a thousand times, I'm not gonna play an alien in Doctor Who 904 00:56:56,555 --> 00:56:57,347 Don't do it, Schlong! 905 00:56:58,002 --> 00:57:00,176 You leave me no alternative, Doctor 906 00:57:07,981 --> 00:57:09,648 What's happening to us? 907 00:57:10,018 --> 00:57:11,384 He's hyper-podulating 908 00:57:12,260 --> 00:57:16,715 He's using his molluscian glang valves to internally vibrulate our DNA 909 00:57:17,175 --> 00:57:18,867 What does that mean? 910 00:57:19,225 --> 00:57:21,789 It means we'll both turn into slugs in about 30 seconds 911 00:57:22,299 --> 00:57:24,712 Unless I can reach that sodium chloride 912 00:57:25,394 --> 00:57:27,595 What's sodium chloride? 913 00:57:27,893 --> 00:57:30,456 You probably know it as table salt 914 00:57:46,547 --> 00:57:47,506 Tre Copper 915 00:57:48,465 --> 00:57:49,340 Andy Millman 916 00:57:51,093 --> 00:57:52,429 Okay, do you know where he is? 917 00:57:53,230 --> 00:57:55,286 Andy Millman...Tell him to call me 918 00:57:55,580 --> 00:57:56,167 Cheers 919 00:57:57,555 --> 00:57:58,623 It's Andy Millman again 920 00:58:00,683 --> 00:58:01,911 Can you get him to call me please? 921 00:58:02,657 --> 00:58:06,342 I've been calling every day for two weeks, he's never there, where is he? 922 00:58:06,902 --> 00:58:07,996 Snowboarding... 923 00:58:10,238 --> 00:58:13,227 No, I told him. I don't want to do Hotel Babylon 924 00:58:13,976 --> 00:58:15,791 No, I'll tell you what, I am going to see him today 925 00:58:16,673 --> 00:58:20,195 because he's my agent and he takes 12.5% of my wages, OK? 926 00:58:20,551 --> 00:58:21,085 right? 927 00:58:21,832 --> 00:58:25,328 Yeah, and if he really is at lunch, where is he? Please tell me where he is. 928 00:58:26,370 --> 00:58:27,410 Thank you 929 00:58:28,931 --> 00:58:31,734 I think you've made a very wise and informed decision, if you don't mind my saying 930 00:58:32,241 --> 00:58:35,418 Good little phone, fun ringtone as well on there, I've actually got the same one 931 00:58:46,158 --> 00:58:48,641 You can see that will be enjoyable...with your friends 932 00:58:48,802 --> 00:58:50,750 so, just pop your card in there if you would 933 00:58:52,548 --> 00:58:53,083 enter PIN 934 00:58:53,423 --> 00:58:54,694 And don't let him see your number 935 00:58:55,026 --> 00:58:55,477 Libellous 936 00:58:56,229 --> 00:58:57,800 Just let it phone his girlfriend 937 00:58:59,562 --> 00:59:00,821 That should be it, extract 938 00:59:02,843 --> 00:59:05,578 Deano, a Motorola Accessory Pack, s'il vous plait 939 00:59:05,646 --> 00:59:06,398 Sure, Shauny 940 00:59:08,030 --> 00:59:08,891 Thar she blows 941 00:59:09,179 --> 00:59:10,682 I thank you 942 00:59:10,750 --> 00:59:11,638 Enjoy 943 00:59:12,977 --> 00:59:13,879 Nice lady Yeah 944 00:59:15,998 --> 00:59:16,668 Hi, you alright? 945 00:59:17,784 --> 00:59:19,904 How's it going, do you need a phone or something? 946 00:59:20,054 --> 00:59:20,396 no 947 00:59:21,832 --> 00:59:23,430 I need some work, really 948 00:59:24,469 --> 00:59:25,629 any jobs going? 949 00:59:25,808 --> 00:59:27,981 Not really, no, I mean, 950 00:59:28,261 --> 00:59:31,075 aside from the intensive training needed, 951 00:59:31,348 --> 00:59:32,989 we are a bit overstaffed as well 952 00:59:33,194 --> 00:59:36,160 I think the only way there would be a vacancy is if one of these guys got an acting job 953 00:59:36,283 --> 00:59:37,484 Or if one of us dies 954 00:59:38,123 --> 00:59:39,173 That's more likely 955 00:59:39,228 --> 00:59:40,417 Statistically, yes 956 00:59:40,676 --> 00:59:42,071 So, no room at the... 957 00:59:42,659 --> 00:59:43,506 ...at the inn 958 00:59:46,990 --> 00:59:47,729 Are you alright? 959 00:59:50,022 --> 00:59:50,773 Need tissues 960 00:59:54,314 --> 00:59:55,407 Don't worry 961 00:59:58,344 --> 00:59:59,752 I'm sure something will turn up 962 00:59:59,919 --> 01:00:01,259 It's not about the job 963 01:00:02,420 --> 01:00:03,555 It's everything, really 964 01:00:05,208 --> 01:00:06,834 I just wasted my life 965 01:00:07,941 --> 01:00:09,253 I haven't done anything 966 01:00:09,835 --> 01:00:13,197 I haven't seen anything, I haven't...been anywhere 967 01:00:15,120 --> 01:00:16,799 I've never even left the country 968 01:00:17,360 --> 01:00:18,726 I haven't even been abroad 969 01:00:20,734 --> 01:00:24,958 I'm just living on my own...in one room...with no money 970 01:00:26,021 --> 01:00:28,945 and I can't even get a job at the Carphone Warehouse 971 01:00:29,314 --> 01:00:30,271 That's not true 972 01:00:31,282 --> 01:00:32,061 It's true 973 01:00:32,538 --> 01:00:35,492 It's true at this branch, but you know, there are other branches 974 01:00:35,572 --> 01:00:37,017 particularly the ones in rougher areas 975 01:00:37,209 --> 01:00:38,297 They're always desperate for staff, 976 01:00:38,384 --> 01:00:44,320 because the ones they've got are always being assaulted or stabbed, sometimes in the face 977 01:00:46,907 --> 01:00:47,995 sorry yeah 978 01:00:49,000 --> 01:00:51,839 Hi, where are you? No, nowhere 979 01:00:52,159 --> 01:00:53,781 Can you meet me at the Ivy, ASAP 980 01:00:53,974 --> 01:00:58,800 I'm trying to track down my agent. Honestly, he's worst than Darren, he was useless but at least, I knew where he was 981 01:00:59,014 --> 01:01:00,935 Why do you need me there? Cause it's the Ivy 982 01:01:01,042 --> 01:01:03,243 I don't want to go in by myself, I would look like a complete loser 983 01:01:03,685 --> 01:01:04,432 Can you meet me or not? 984 01:01:04,902 --> 01:01:06,182 Em, Okay 985 01:01:06,417 --> 01:01:08,638 Good, see you later Um Um 986 01:01:10,047 --> 01:01:10,944 I have to go 987 01:01:11,179 --> 01:01:12,397 Okay, sorry 988 01:01:12,504 --> 01:01:13,571 Thanks for your help 989 01:01:16,082 --> 01:01:17,298 I've had a piece of that 990 01:01:17,917 --> 01:01:19,028 Have you? Yeah 991 01:01:19,476 --> 01:01:21,569 He's a bit of a player, ain't he? It was one date 992 01:01:21,739 --> 01:01:23,426 Alright, Barry Yeah but one date is enough though, ain't it? 993 01:01:23,455 --> 01:01:24,668 You know it ! Nothing happened ! 994 01:01:24,776 --> 01:01:27,724 You told me. You said you blocked the toilet up and she left 995 01:01:28,408 --> 01:01:31,525 Yes and that was for your ears only Thank you very much 996 01:01:36,820 --> 01:01:39,063 That's my mom...she's ill... 997 01:01:40,301 --> 01:01:42,093 Mom, hello... She's gone 998 01:02:03,462 --> 01:02:03,953 You alright? 999 01:02:04,530 --> 01:02:06,729 I'm having a bit of a nightmare if the truth to be told 1000 01:02:06,837 --> 01:02:08,480 Tell me about it, I can't get a hold of this agent 1001 01:02:08,554 --> 01:02:12,176 I had to do Doctor Who, Hotel Babylon, just to get my profile up 1002 01:02:12,313 --> 01:02:14,513 Now he wants me to do Robin Hood. I can't even get him on the phone 1003 01:02:14,983 --> 01:02:16,807 Sounds like you had it tough Nightmare 1004 01:02:17,225 --> 01:02:19,831 Apart from all the TV work, you're doing alright, are you? Yeah 1005 01:02:20,307 --> 01:02:22,375 Yes sir Hi, we haven't booked 1006 01:02:22,475 --> 01:02:24,343 We're very busy today, sir 1007 01:02:25,110 --> 01:02:29,348 Andy Millman, I... Yes, you should have booked ahead really 1008 01:02:29,399 --> 01:02:31,128 It's usually all right Sorry 1009 01:02:31,619 --> 01:02:33,221 Andy Millman Hey 1010 01:02:33,776 --> 01:02:36,611 You all right? Very all right, Sir, Byron number one 1011 01:02:36,804 --> 01:02:40,717 UK box office, number two in the United States of America 1012 01:02:40,764 --> 01:02:41,502 one lucky 1013 01:02:41,622 --> 01:02:44,824 I'm off round Europe next week to promote the old film 1014 01:02:45,987 --> 01:02:47,869 What about you? Oh great, good, yeah 1015 01:02:47,970 --> 01:02:50,279 You got lots on? Mental, Just saying, I was...yeah 1016 01:02:51,057 --> 01:02:54,135 I saw you as a slug in Doctor Who, very convincing 1017 01:02:54,339 --> 01:02:55,557 It's a space serpent, yeah 1018 01:02:55,913 --> 01:02:58,292 What's our agent like though? Can't get ahold of him, has he gone AWOL? 1019 01:02:58,467 --> 01:03:01,410 Hiding from the tax man? I hope he hasn't, I'm having lunch with him 1020 01:03:01,559 --> 01:03:02,408 You're having lunch with him? 1021 01:03:02,722 --> 01:03:04,637 I wouldn't bother, it just goes straight to the voicemail 1022 01:03:04,748 --> 01:03:10,376 Tre, yeah, oh, you're here, I'm outside. I'll come straight in 1023 01:03:10,460 --> 01:03:11,636 Alright mate 1024 01:03:11,856 --> 01:03:15,967 Something's wrong with this The signal, these girders...sometimes it... 1025 01:03:16,541 --> 01:03:19,655 It's weird how things pan out? He's more famous than you are now 1026 01:03:19,708 --> 01:03:20,448 Why would you say that? 1027 01:03:21,255 --> 01:03:22,088 Why do you say that to me? 1028 01:03:22,711 --> 01:03:26,667 He's not more famous than me, not amongst my demographic. So don't talk about things you don't understand 1029 01:03:26,708 --> 01:03:28,062 Alright That's bollocks 1030 01:03:30,552 --> 01:03:30,975 Gordon? 1031 01:03:31,648 --> 01:03:31,810 Yep? 1032 01:03:32,112 --> 01:03:33,726 Hiya. You all right? Andy Millman 1033 01:03:34,068 --> 01:03:34,299 Yeah 1034 01:03:34,506 --> 01:03:36,023 You all right?...Yeah.... 1035 01:03:36,106 --> 01:03:37,283 Can't you have a word, can you? 1036 01:03:37,488 --> 01:03:38,049 I'm just leaving 1037 01:03:38,118 --> 01:03:40,902 No, no, you're in the industry, if you just have a word and they'll let me through 1038 01:03:41,217 --> 01:03:43,666 I can't You can't or won't? 1039 01:03:43,885 --> 01:03:44,925 Won't Oh 1040 01:03:45,560 --> 01:03:48,120 At least nip to the kitchen and make me a cheese sandwich. You cook! 1041 01:03:48,447 --> 01:03:50,420 Cock?! Haven't you had enough cheese sandwiches 1042 01:03:50,721 --> 01:03:53,528 fat boy You pound puppy-faced git 1043 01:03:53,584 --> 01:03:56,197 You catchphrase shouting, wig-wearing wannabe 1044 01:03:56,333 --> 01:03:59,944 You publicity hungry, failed footballing fuck 1045 01:04:00,164 --> 01:04:01,974 You're a has been, go home 1046 01:04:02,056 --> 01:04:05,488 You think you're hard don稚 you cause you shout at people in kitchens. Who works in kitchens? 1047 01:04:05,640 --> 01:04:09,019 Ooh, women and gays, ooh and the French. Ooh you're well hard 1048 01:04:09,339 --> 01:04:11,556 Let's just leave it there, shall we? yeah? 1049 01:04:11,679 --> 01:04:15,483 I don't want to get into a fight. I've heard your girdle could explode at any minute 1050 01:04:16,943 --> 01:04:18,840 You fuck, I was gonna... 1051 01:04:18,883 --> 01:04:19,985 Come on, let's just go 1052 01:04:20,029 --> 01:04:23,291 No, I'm gonna wait here and wait for him to come out. If I can't go through there for five minutes? 1053 01:04:23,344 --> 01:04:24,057 I'm sorry 1054 01:04:24,089 --> 01:04:25,287 Well, can we at least have a drink at the bar? 1055 01:04:25,515 --> 01:04:26,936 Do you want a drink? Not really no 1056 01:04:27,728 --> 01:04:28,667 No, got something better to do? 1057 01:04:29,213 --> 01:04:29,654 no 1058 01:04:30,093 --> 01:04:31,851 I'm going home Where you going? 1059 01:04:32,149 --> 01:04:32,587 Home 1060 01:04:33,156 --> 01:04:34,792 Don't leave me here by myself, come on 1061 01:04:35,573 --> 01:04:36,281 Where is my home? 1062 01:04:36,710 --> 01:04:37,017 What? 1063 01:04:37,263 --> 01:04:37,998 Where do I live? 1064 01:04:39,269 --> 01:04:39,549 You moved 1065 01:04:40,233 --> 01:04:41,449 Yeah, where to? 1066 01:04:41,974 --> 01:04:42,911 You want the exact address? 1067 01:04:43,323 --> 01:04:44,768 No, just the area 1068 01:04:46,383 --> 01:04:47,258 What am I, your postman? 1069 01:04:48,563 --> 01:04:49,702 No, you're my friend 1070 01:04:50,858 --> 01:04:52,205 Look, I'll see you Oh, come on 1071 01:04:52,699 --> 01:04:53,807 Oh, for fuck s... 1072 01:05:43,691 --> 01:05:44,212 Tre ! 1073 01:05:44,472 --> 01:05:45,115 Excuse me 1074 01:05:54,304 --> 01:05:54,961 What are you doing? 1075 01:05:55,234 --> 01:05:55,986 What are YOU doing? 1076 01:05:56,382 --> 01:05:57,683 You haven't returned any of my calls 1077 01:05:57,908 --> 01:06:01,137 Yeah, funny enough, there's not been that much since you told the BBC to piss off 1078 01:06:01,259 --> 01:06:04,475 There's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent 1079 01:06:04,708 --> 01:06:06,542 Yeah, well, I can't magic things out of thin air 1080 01:06:06,884 --> 01:06:08,402 They either want you or they don't 1081 01:06:08,880 --> 01:06:09,865 Life's cruel 1082 01:06:10,782 --> 01:06:13,916 And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients... Guilty as charged. 1083 01:06:14,067 --> 01:06:16,502 Yeah...What about me? 1084 01:06:17,254 --> 01:06:18,226 Alright, listen to me Andy 1085 01:06:18,891 --> 01:06:21,093 I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want 1086 01:06:21,490 --> 01:06:23,501 Every time you come in my office, it's something different 1087 01:06:23,678 --> 01:06:25,608 One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist 1088 01:06:25,991 --> 01:06:27,469 Next day, you just want your face in the paper 1089 01:06:29,165 --> 01:06:30,123 What do you want? 1090 01:06:31,013 --> 01:06:35,104 Do you want to be a famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art? 1091 01:06:35,885 --> 01:06:38,223 Look, do you want fame and fortune? 1092 01:06:38,354 --> 01:06:40,541 or do you want integrity and respect? 1093 01:06:40,815 --> 01:06:41,171 Both 1094 01:06:41,869 --> 01:06:42,239 right, 1095 01:06:43,044 --> 01:06:45,453 Well, there is only a few people in this world who have both those things 1096 01:06:46,268 --> 01:06:46,883 You... 1097 01:06:48,142 --> 01:06:49,169 ...will never be one of them 1098 01:06:53,146 --> 01:06:54,158 What do you want? 1099 01:07:01,826 --> 01:07:03,578 Rich and famous and on the TV 1100 01:07:05,177 --> 01:07:05,589 right 1101 01:07:06,287 --> 01:07:06,847 okay then 1102 01:07:08,174 --> 01:07:09,612 Will you do the stuff you keep turning down? 1103 01:07:09,831 --> 01:07:10,268 yes 1104 01:07:10,870 --> 01:07:11,841 Comedy panel shows? 1105 01:07:12,073 --> 01:07:12,279 yes 1106 01:07:12,539 --> 01:07:15,521 You know you will have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed? 1107 01:07:15,590 --> 01:07:17,328 Yes, I know how they work 1108 01:07:17,670 --> 01:07:18,079 Ooo 1109 01:07:18,901 --> 01:07:19,571 Thick club 1110 01:07:20,214 --> 01:07:22,621 Good, yeah, this is great 1111 01:07:23,169 --> 01:07:28,846 I'd much rather have a client that will do anything to get on television than someone who goes, "I don't want to do that" or "It's beneath me" 1112 01:07:29,174 --> 01:07:30,037 Ooh, hold on 1113 01:07:30,843 --> 01:07:33,169 There is one other thing I'll have to pull some strings 1114 01:07:33,863 --> 01:07:34,178 Pull them 1115 01:07:41,361 --> 01:07:45,972 Last night, the celebrity housemates arrived in the Big Brother house 1116 01:07:46,545 --> 01:07:49,146 Hi, hello...hiya 1117 01:07:49,246 --> 01:07:52,034 Hi Lisa Scott Lee. Hi, Lisa, hi Scott, hi Lee 1118 01:07:52,805 --> 01:07:55,336 Chico. Oh, yeah yeah. Toby. All right mate, how it going? 1119 01:07:56,208 --> 01:07:58,481 Welcome to the house Oh, cheers 1120 01:07:58,539 --> 01:07:59,940 Hello Hi, Andy.. 1121 01:08:05,961 --> 01:08:08,081 Lionel Blair. Andy 1122 01:08:08,406 --> 01:08:08,782 good 1123 01:08:10,356 --> 01:08:10,939 he's happy... 1124 01:08:16,911 --> 01:08:18,332 I don't know who any of these people are 1125 01:08:18,774 --> 01:08:20,641 Who's that one in the dress? 1126 01:08:21,102 --> 01:08:23,324 That's Amy, she is in all the lad's mags 1127 01:08:23,753 --> 01:08:25,616 Her boyfriend was accused of rape. Hmm 1128 01:08:26,072 --> 01:08:26,739 Opportunity knocks 1129 01:08:27,064 --> 01:08:28,140 Yeah And who is that one? 1130 01:08:30,245 --> 01:08:32,143 Her son was murdered murdered? 1131 01:08:33,237 --> 01:08:34,041 What's she doing in here? 1132 01:08:34,533 --> 01:08:36,739 She's got a single coming out. Course she has. Well 1133 01:08:37,389 --> 01:08:38,740 Cheers Cheers 1134 01:09:00,638 --> 01:09:05,893 11.22pm : All the housemates are in the lounge 1135 01:09:06,269 --> 01:09:08,647 Obviously, I knew he was filming us at it 1136 01:09:09,143 --> 01:09:11,314 but I didn't think it was going to end up on the internet 1137 01:09:11,571 --> 01:09:12,717 How did it end up on the internet? 1138 01:09:12,817 --> 01:09:14,218 Well, someone must have stolen it. 1139 01:09:14,851 --> 01:09:15,451 Where from? 1140 01:09:16,031 --> 01:09:16,851 From the flat 1141 01:09:17,092 --> 01:09:24,036 You probably put it on the open window sill next to the apple pie that was cooling down, some ruffians came by, they've put it straight on the internet 1142 01:09:24,122 --> 01:09:27,693 I'm glad they did though because the lad mags called and said "Hey, 1143 01:09:28,445 --> 01:09:32,909 wa saw those, we thought they looked great in motion, do they look as good still?" 1144 01:09:32,998 --> 01:09:39,894 And they did. So they put them in the magazines and luckily $｣%ｵ& was reading one of them and... 1145 01:09:39,961 --> 01:09:41,637 You went out with $｣%ｵ& for a while, didn't you? 1146 01:09:41,758 --> 01:09:44,134 Well, I didn't really go out with him, I shagged him a few times 1147 01:09:44,855 --> 01:09:46,839 And I also shagged &ｵ%｣$ 1148 01:09:47,016 --> 01:09:48,141 &ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$ 1149 01:09:48,366 --> 01:09:51,104 &ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$ 1150 01:09:51,257 --> 01:09:54,113 &ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$ 1151 01:09:54,336 --> 01:09:55,652 &ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$ 1152 01:09:55,826 --> 01:09:58,340 &ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$ 1153 01:09:58,597 --> 01:10:00,427 &ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$ 1154 01:10:00,931 --> 01:10:03,168 Andy has come to the Diary Room 1155 01:10:03,811 --> 01:10:05,883 You might be sued under the Trades Descriptions Act, 1156 01:10:05,990 --> 01:10:07,616 for calling it Celebrity Big Brother 1157 01:10:08,399 --> 01:10:09,632 I didn't know some of them were 1158 01:10:10,631 --> 01:10:11,629 Do you know what I mean? I just think... 1159 01:10:14,133 --> 01:10:17,061 I just don't think this is doing me any good at all. It'll make me look bad if anything 1160 01:10:17,470 --> 01:10:22,192 because people won't go "oh, he's the biggest star in there", they'll go... 1161 01:10:22,987 --> 01:10:24,470 "well, if he's in there, he must be as..." 1162 01:10:32,486 --> 01:10:36,360 Day Three : Lionel is dancing again 1163 01:10:44,648 --> 01:10:46,481 I pulled my bloody back 1164 01:10:48,520 --> 01:10:51,393 There we go. Easy does it, lay back, lay back, lay back, lay back.. 1165 01:10:51,896 --> 01:10:52,279 You alright? 1166 01:10:54,866 --> 01:10:55,767 Why are you doing this? 1167 01:10:56,973 --> 01:10:58,136 It just keeps up the profile 1168 01:10:58,499 --> 01:11:03,822 But you've been performing for 40 years. Aren't you bored with, just, having to be on all the time? 1169 01:11:04,334 --> 01:11:06,400 Yeah, I ache as well 1170 01:11:07,221 --> 01:11:08,793 I wake up in the morning and I ache 1171 01:11:09,354 --> 01:11:10,600 That's why I've done my bloody back, 1172 01:11:11,270 --> 01:11:12,623 I didn't stretch because 1173 01:11:12,938 --> 01:11:14,238 it aches to stretch 1174 01:11:16,506 --> 01:11:18,092 Do you know what I look forward to these days? 1175 01:11:20,200 --> 01:11:20,597 death 1176 01:11:23,143 --> 01:11:24,210 Oh, save me some wine 1177 01:11:25,463 --> 01:11:26,407 It numbs the pain 1178 01:11:33,371 --> 01:11:37,991 Day 4 : Big Brother has set the housemates a task 1179 01:11:38,290 --> 01:11:41,664 The housemates must rank themselves in order of fame 1180 01:11:41,864 --> 01:11:46,843 With one being the most famous and eight being the least famous 1181 01:11:47,644 --> 01:11:50,584 I've worked hard to get where I've got What have you done, dropped your knickers? 1182 01:11:50,777 --> 01:11:53,549 OK, all right, but at least I'm on the way up This is serious guys 1183 01:11:53,750 --> 01:11:58,594 My fans are watching so I should be here. I've been famous for ten years, you've been famous for ten minutes 1184 01:11:58,692 --> 01:12:02,215 I've been in this business 50 years. Granddad's talking now 1185 01:12:03,378 --> 01:12:05,277 Never mind about Granddad, Come on, go on. 1186 01:12:05,516 --> 01:12:09,891 I had two programmes in the top five, Give Us A Clue and Name That Tune 1187 01:12:09,977 --> 01:12:11,568 When have you been on the TV? 1188 01:12:11,609 --> 01:12:14,413 Everybody who watched are in homes. Is that right? 1189 01:12:14,448 --> 01:12:18,773 Look, I don't care if Lionel wants to go number one... I'll swap with Lionel but I'm not swapping with her... 1190 01:12:18,822 --> 01:12:25,512 Well, I don't mind, I mean, all I say is my show was getting seven million every week on BBC One 1191 01:12:25,612 --> 01:12:29,820 Everyone shouts my catchphrases Even four-year-olds shout my catchphrase 1192 01:12:29,906 --> 01:12:36,003 Four-year-olds shout my catchphrase. They're five now but that's not the point... I'm sorry, mate, you're a reality winner 1193 01:12:36,157 --> 01:12:45,991 Hold on, hold on, hold on a second Actually, you didn't even win You didn't even win... 1194 01:12:46,231 --> 01:12:48,689 My son's murder was on the news at ten... 1195 01:12:53,249 --> 01:12:56,750 And I met Gordon Brown He paid for me to come up to London and everything. 1196 01:12:59,653 --> 01:13:03,048 Still, it must have been a terrible time It was an absolute tragedy 1197 01:13:03,235 --> 01:13:20,052 # Tragedy # When feelings gone and you can't go on it's tragedy... # # With no-one to love you, you're going nowhere... # # Tragedy... # 1198 01:13:22,619 --> 01:13:24,863 Andy has come to the Diary Room 1199 01:13:25,703 --> 01:13:27,279 I don't know why I did this 1200 01:13:29,096 --> 01:13:30,111 I just don't, I just don't... 1201 01:13:30,727 --> 01:13:33,613 What is this? This is a blip, is this a blip? 1202 01:13:34,093 --> 01:13:35,216 Is this a blip in my life? 1203 01:13:35,938 --> 01:13:37,353 Will I do something embarrassing? 1204 01:13:38,048 --> 01:13:39,705 Will I, what, do they... I don't know. 1205 01:13:42,912 --> 01:13:46,065 I don't know what's the best that can happen. I know what the worst is, 1206 01:13:47,342 --> 01:13:50,121 but I don't know what the best that can happen 1207 01:13:55,803 --> 01:13:59,384 Andy, is there anything you miss in the outside world? 1208 01:14:07,951 --> 01:14:08,512 loads of stuff 1209 01:14:18,453 --> 01:14:21,739 The housemates are talking about fame 1210 01:14:23,012 --> 01:14:25,125 When did you first realize you wanted to be famous? 1211 01:14:26,300 --> 01:14:26,941 Me? yeah 1212 01:14:28,223 --> 01:14:29,800 I didn't think did just want to become famous 1213 01:14:30,735 --> 01:14:31,672 I thought I wanted something 1214 01:14:32,233 --> 01:14:37,390 Obviously I do, I just want to be famous why else would I put myself here with a load of other desperate people 1215 01:14:38,618 --> 01:14:39,661 I'm not desperate 1216 01:14:40,009 --> 01:14:40,917 no? no 1217 01:14:41,638 --> 01:14:45,059 I'm doing this to broaden my career I want to be a serious journalist 1218 01:14:46,278 --> 01:14:51,970 Yesterday, June, you spent 20 minutes making porridge in high heels and a thong 1219 01:14:52,503 --> 01:14:53,118 so? 1220 01:14:53,440 --> 01:14:55,578 I don't think Kate Adie started out like that 1221 01:14:55,792 --> 01:14:56,273 Who? 1222 01:14:56,700 --> 01:14:57,662 Good luck with the Pulitzer 1223 01:14:58,062 --> 01:14:58,946 Are you patronising me? 1224 01:14:58,962 --> 01:15:00,773 No, I'm not having a go. I'm really not having a go 1225 01:15:01,000 --> 01:15:06,493 I'm saying we must be desperate - why else would we come onto a show where you have to hand in your dignity at the door? 1226 01:15:06,754 --> 01:15:08,628 I haven't handed in my dignity 1227 01:16:17,345 --> 01:16:23,117 I'm not going to get married for a while but if I did get married, I would definitely let someone pay for it, 1228 01:16:23,305 --> 01:16:27,394 because a decent wedding is going to cost about 50 grand. I'd let Hello pay. 1229 01:16:27,633 --> 01:16:31,456 And, apparently, they pay you for every celebrity you get along 1230 01:16:32,632 --> 01:16:35,116 You'd come wouldn't you, you're worth a few quid. Yeah. Definitely 1231 01:16:35,544 --> 01:16:37,816 Andy, would you come to my Hello wedding? 1232 01:16:39,378 --> 01:16:40,659 To your Hello wedding? Yeah 1233 01:16:43,627 --> 01:16:45,042 Are you all right? No 1234 01:16:47,848 --> 01:16:50,173 What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything 1235 01:16:50,816 --> 01:16:52,659 Happiest day of my life. Quick, 1236 01:16:53,246 --> 01:16:57,541 I'd better do the invites and bake a cake. Must have a press tent, it's a wedding 1237 01:16:57,995 --> 01:17:00,826 You know, I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a programme with 1238 01:17:01,442 --> 01:17:05,423 Oh, and now I'm pregnant, maybe we should televise the birth. Get Ryan Seacrest to present it, 1239 01:17:05,690 --> 01:17:08,081 maybe it'll make jimmy Carr's 100 Greatest Caesareans 1240 01:17:09,285 --> 01:17:12,056 I'm not having a go at you, I'm sick of these celebrities 1241 01:17:12,658 --> 01:17:15,163 living their life out in the open all the time. .. Why would you do that? 1242 01:17:15,831 --> 01:17:17,101 It's like these pop stars 1243 01:17:17,568 --> 01:17:19,775 who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab, 1244 01:17:20,141 --> 01:17:22,414 they call their publicists before they call a taxi, 1245 01:17:22,581 --> 01:17:24,418 then they come out and do their second autobiography, 1246 01:17:24,585 --> 01:17:27,425 This one is called "Love me or I'll kill myself" Oh, kill yourself, then. 1247 01:17:28,360 --> 01:17:34,337 The papers lap it up. They follow us round and that makes people think we're important and that makes us think we're important 1248 01:17:35,003 --> 01:17:42,654 If they stopped doing that, people wouldn't take to the streets going, 'Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple.' They wouldn't care, they'd get on with something else 1249 01:17:43,088 --> 01:17:44,458 They'd get on with their lives 1250 01:17:45,126 --> 01:17:48,332 You open a paper, see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car 1251 01:17:48,589 --> 01:17:50,693 and the headline is "Cover up Lindsay, we can see your knickers" 1252 01:17:50,765 --> 01:17:55,707 0f course you can see your knickers! Your photographer's lying in the road pointing his camera up her dress 1253 01:17:55,736 --> 01:17:56,624 to see her knickers ! 1254 01:17:57,020 --> 01:17:58,798 You're literally the gutter press 1255 01:18:00,440 --> 01:18:02,808 And fuck you, the makers of this show as well, 1256 01:18:03,054 --> 01:18:04,216 you can't wash your hands of this, 1257 01:18:04,395 --> 01:18:07,815 you can't keep going "Oh, it's exploitation but it's what the public want" 1258 01:18:07,896 --> 01:18:08,350 No ! 1259 01:18:08,617 --> 01:18:10,957 The Victorian freak show never went away, 1260 01:18:11,176 --> 01:18:14,636 now it's called Big Brother or American idol. Where in the preliminary rounds, 1261 01:18:15,115 --> 01:18:19,554 we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires 1262 01:18:20,868 --> 01:18:22,278 And fuck you for watching this at home 1263 01:18:24,316 --> 01:18:25,000 Shame on you ! 1264 01:18:26,026 --> 01:18:26,848 And shame on me ! 1265 01:18:27,710 --> 01:18:28,462 I'm the worst of all 1266 01:18:28,913 --> 01:18:30,159 Because I'm one of these people that goes, 1267 01:18:30,645 --> 01:18:34,722 "Oh, I'm an entertainer, it's in my blood" Yeah, it's in my blood because a real job is too hard. 1268 01:18:35,584 --> 01:18:38,457 I'd love to have been a doctor. Too hard, didn't want to put the work in 1269 01:18:38,915 --> 01:18:39,928 I'd love to be a war hero 1270 01:18:41,693 --> 01:18:42,417 but I'm too scared 1271 01:18:44,018 --> 01:18:45,563 So I go, "Oh, it's what I do" 1272 01:18:46,766 --> 01:18:51,021 and I have someone bollocked if my cappuccino's cold, or if they look at me the wrong way 1273 01:18:53,444 --> 01:18:54,620 Do you know what a friend of mine once said? 1274 01:18:55,448 --> 01:18:58,226 They said I'll never be happy because I'll never be famous enough 1275 01:18:58,883 --> 01:18:59,498 and they were right 1276 01:19:04,741 --> 01:19:09,352 And if you are watching this, I am so sorry You're my best friend, you're my only friend 1277 01:19:11,944 --> 01:19:13,352 and you never did anything wrong 1278 01:19:14,899 --> 01:19:18,430 it was everything else. I will never do that again, I will never treat you like that again 1279 01:19:20,480 --> 01:19:22,682 And it's eating me up You asked me a stupid question once 1280 01:19:23,038 --> 01:19:28,156 and I could have answered it and I didn't because I was... I'll answer it now 1281 01:19:30,405 --> 01:19:31,254 I'll be the penguin 1282 01:19:33,538 --> 01:19:34,768 because I could eat the flying fish 1283 01:19:36,890 --> 01:19:37,806 I know what you're thinking, 1284 01:19:38,532 --> 01:19:39,845 why doesn't the fish fly away? 1285 01:19:40,186 --> 01:19:44,459 Well, it can't really fly, it sort of glide and flap. They should be called glidey flappy fish 1286 01:19:49,627 --> 01:19:50,379 I'm so sorry 1287 01:19:51,965 --> 01:19:53,075 I've been waiting to hear that, mate... 1288 01:19:53,826 --> 01:19:56,111 I don't think he means... He's a good guy, he's a good guy, yeah 1289 01:19:57,371 --> 01:19:57,618 yeah 1290 01:19:59,481 --> 01:20:00,753 I'm gonna go now Cheers everyone 1291 01:20:01,150 --> 01:20:01,916 Andy? Yeah 1292 01:20:02,532 --> 01:20:04,721 Andy, that was...that was amazing. 1293 01:20:05,077 --> 01:20:06,447 Cheers I'm gonna come with you 1294 01:20:07,130 --> 01:20:07,431 Okay 1295 01:20:08,487 --> 01:20:11,401 Just give me five minutes, there's paparazzi out there, I'll put on a bikini 1296 01:20:33,664 --> 01:20:34,073 Andy? 1297 01:20:34,593 --> 01:20:35,359 Andy ! 1298 01:20:37,043 --> 01:20:40,108 Seriously mate, you're a fucking genius 1299 01:20:40,571 --> 01:20:41,461 Where did that come from? 1300 01:20:41,823 --> 01:20:44,845 I don't know Have you seen the mob out there? It's gone mad 1301 01:20:44,998 --> 01:20:48,249 The phone's been going mental, I've had calls from the papers, 1302 01:20:48,303 --> 01:20:52,177 all the chat shows. We can charge a fortune for this 1303 01:20:52,406 --> 01:20:53,205 Well done mate 1304 01:20:53,862 --> 01:20:56,971 Elton john, he's been on, wants you to be seen at one of his 60th birthday parties 1305 01:20:57,430 --> 01:20:58,470 He's 61 now, isn't he? 1306 01:20:58,535 --> 01:21:01,403 Well, he's got a lot of parties to get through, he's still on the 60th ones 1307 01:21:01,676 --> 01:21:05,845 Oh, Posh and Becks are being photographed on a private beach "against their will" 1308 01:21:06,328 --> 01:21:08,331 and they wondered if you wanted to be there 1309 01:21:08,602 --> 01:21:09,796 Waou Hey? 1310 01:21:10,891 --> 01:21:16,854 When you go through there, don't say too much cause we wanna be able to sell your story. just say a few words, straight in the car 1311 01:21:16,898 --> 01:21:18,815 I've got you a hotel suite, let's get down there 1312 01:21:19,284 --> 01:21:23,836 and assess our options but seriously, mate, the world is your oyster 1313 01:21:24,219 --> 01:21:25,105 OK You ready? 1314 01:21:25,160 --> 01:21:25,521 Yeah 1315 01:21:25,575 --> 01:21:28,246 Let me say a few words, then I will bring you out. Yeah 1316 01:21:33,286 --> 01:21:35,168 Hello. OK, sorry for keeping you waiting 1317 01:21:35,244 --> 01:21:39,502 Hello. OK, sorry for keeping you waiting 1318 01:21:39,548 --> 01:21:43,576 there will be a chance for that at a later stage but those of you who want to get your cheque books open 1319 01:21:43,861 --> 01:21:46,960 All right so, ladies and gentleman... Andy Millman 1320 01:21:50,565 --> 01:21:51,497 Oh, he's a deaf bugger 1321 01:21:52,021 --> 01:21:53,106 Andy Millman! 1322 01:22:09,312 --> 01:22:09,586 Hi 1323 01:22:11,195 --> 01:22:11,513 Hello 1324 01:22:12,585 --> 01:22:12,924 You all right? 1325 01:22:13,278 --> 01:22:13,595 Yeah 1326 01:22:15,400 --> 01:22:16,308 I saw you on the TV 1327 01:22:16,462 --> 01:22:17,141 Did you? 1328 01:22:17,675 --> 01:22:18,014 Okay 1329 01:22:18,824 --> 01:22:19,239 Good 1330 01:22:19,775 --> 01:22:20,465 Where are we going? 1331 01:22:21,472 --> 01:22:23,771 Somewhere where no one cares who I am 1332 01:22:24,263 --> 01:22:25,313 Back to the Ivy then? 1333 01:22:28,869 --> 01:22:32,384 Seriously, somewhere where no one knows me 1334 01:22:33,094 --> 01:22:33,707 Hollywood? 1335 01:22:33,708 --> 01:22:34,868 The hits keep coming 1336 01:22:39,367 --> 01:22:42,539 What do you want me to tell them? They've been sitting for three fucking hours! 1337 01:22:42,593 --> 01:22:46,260 Just say "Oh, sorry, we lost him?!" Move, fucking find him 1338 01:22:52,307 --> 01:22:53,522 Seriously, where do you want to go? 1339 01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:56,467 We can go anywhere? Yeah 1340 01:22:57,123 --> 01:22:57,660 Alright then 1341 01:22:59,007 --> 01:23:00,210 Where do the flying fish live? 1342 01:23:00,473 --> 01:23:01,207 In the sea 1343 01:23:01,644 --> 01:23:02,707 Let's go there then 1344 01:23:03,112 --> 01:23:05,170 Two first class tickets to the sea... 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00