1 00:00:00,601 --> 00:00:02,347 Okay, it's 2:30 2 00:00:02,348 --> 00:00:05,146 on a Wednesday, Philadelphia, PA. 3 00:00:05,147 --> 00:00:06,535 Hello, America. 4 00:00:06,536 --> 00:00:09,551 Mac here with another installment of Project Bad ass. 5 00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:13,857 As you can see, the ramp is about 40 feet down there. 6 00:00:13,938 --> 00:00:18,332 I will now light the pyrotechnics... which are 7 00:00:18,333 --> 00:00:22,285 attached at the arms and back and all over my pants. 8 00:00:22,286 --> 00:00:24,870 'Cause I know what it means Totally and completely badass. 9 00:00:24,871 --> 00:00:26,107 Here we go. 10 00:00:26,272 --> 00:00:30,084 Three, two, one... 11 00:00:36,461 --> 00:00:39,289 - Oh, Jesus. - You see what I was going for, right? 12 00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,420 - How badass is that? - You know what, man? 13 00:00:41,421 --> 00:00:43,264 I actually found that to be pretty goddamn entertaing. 14 00:00:43,265 --> 00:00:44,616 - Yeah, dude. - I got to be honest with you. 15 00:00:44,617 --> 00:00:46,733 - Now you have some more of those? - Oh, man, I got a shitload of those. 16 00:00:46,734 --> 00:00:48,341 Yeah. I've been working my ass off on these videos. 17 00:00:48,342 --> 00:00:50,273 Now has Charlie seen these? I bet he would love 'em. 18 00:00:50,274 --> 00:00:51,423 Yeah, I showed it to him. 19 00:00:51,424 --> 00:00:54,223 He acted like he liked it... in fact he even asked me to keep 20 00:00:54,224 --> 00:00:56,345 one of the videocassettes for multiple views... 21 00:00:56,346 --> 00:00:58,548 and then when I wasn't around, I saw him smashing one. 22 00:00:58,549 --> 00:00:59,728 Smashing it? 23 00:00:59,729 --> 00:01:01,515 Dude, I don't know what his problem is, but he's been 24 00:01:01,516 --> 00:01:04,706 completely pissing me off recently. I worked so hard on those tapes. 25 00:01:04,707 --> 00:01:05,955 Why? 26 00:01:06,869 --> 00:01:08,369 Why? 27 00:01:08,628 --> 00:01:10,657 To show how badass I am. 28 00:01:10,658 --> 00:01:13,114 Code Red! Code Red, guys! 29 00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,756 Guys, we got a Code Red on our hands! 30 00:01:15,757 --> 00:01:17,760 Oh, my God, check it out. 31 00:01:17,761 --> 00:01:21,672 Now according to my sources in the field, the waitress is seeing somebody. 32 00:01:21,673 --> 00:01:24,837 - Do you know who this guy is? - No. I have no idea, man. 33 00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:27,050 I just got a shady read-out of the guy. 34 00:01:27,051 --> 00:01:29,920 I tell you what, Mac, seeing as how you're my best friend... 35 00:01:29,981 --> 00:01:31,781 maybe you can look into it for me. 36 00:01:31,782 --> 00:01:33,693 You know, go down there, snoop around the shop. 37 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:35,348 Can I stop you for a second? 38 00:01:35,349 --> 00:01:37,177 I'm sorry, I'm a little confused here. 39 00:01:37,221 --> 00:01:39,004 You just said that he was your best friend. 40 00:01:39,005 --> 00:01:40,940 How is he your best friend over me? 41 00:01:41,221 --> 00:01:44,277 Well, I mean, you banged the waitress. 42 00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,520 do I even have to explain that to you? 43 00:01:46,521 --> 00:01:47,992 That kind of rubbed me the wrong way, dude. 44 00:01:47,993 --> 00:01:51,603 I mean, you know, I don't see how that should factor in to 45 00:01:51,604 --> 00:01:53,313 whether we're best friends or not. 46 00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:54,929 You know, to be honest with you, man, I'm a little shocked. 47 00:01:54,930 --> 00:01:57,293 I'm kind of... I'm thunder struck. 48 00:01:57,294 --> 00:02:00,022 I'm sorry, man, but you know, I didn't mean to hurt you, 49 00:02:00,023 --> 00:02:01,557 I didn't mean to thunder strike you, but that's 50 00:02:01,558 --> 00:02:03,758 I don't know what else to tell you. What do you want to hear? 51 00:02:03,759 --> 00:02:06,480 I need for you to explain to me how it is that you consider 52 00:02:06,481 --> 00:02:09,121 - Mac to be a better friend to you. - This is just becoming awkward. 53 00:02:09,122 --> 00:02:11,892 When I have a real problem, and all of a sudden, it's about some weird feelings thing. 54 00:02:11,893 --> 00:02:14,366 And it's not about your feelings right now, it's about 55 00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:16,257 my feelings 'cause I have a problem, okay? 56 00:02:16,258 --> 00:02:19,432 Now, Mac, please, do you think you can find this guy and kick his ass for me? 57 00:02:19,433 --> 00:02:22,177 Absolutely, bro. I will find this guy and I will kick his ass. 58 00:02:22,178 --> 00:02:23,596 And you know why? 59 00:02:23,597 --> 00:02:25,748 Because you and I are best friends. 60 00:02:28,354 --> 00:02:30,040 He's on to us. 61 00:02:30,041 --> 00:02:34,453 its always sunny in philly 404 62 00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:39,742 Synchro : Flolo 63 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:47,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 64 00:03:06,038 --> 00:03:07,562 Hey, what's up, buddy? 65 00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:08,648 - Hey, man. - How are you? 66 00:03:08,649 --> 00:03:11,218 Good. So look, I'm only going to be here like a night or two, 67 00:03:11,219 --> 00:03:13,369 until Mac and I take care of a little business. 68 00:03:13,370 --> 00:03:15,285 Okay, listen, man, you stay as long as you want to, man, 69 00:03:15,286 --> 00:03:16,999 'cause that's what, you know, that's what friends do: 70 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,854 they let each other stay at each other's apartments, 71 00:03:18,855 --> 00:03:20,697 - and they hang out with each other, and... - Absolutely. 72 00:03:20,698 --> 00:03:22,946 And we can do that, do some bonding, go over the best friend 73 00:03:22,947 --> 00:03:25,584 - thing a couple more times. - Yeah, bro? 74 00:03:25,838 --> 00:03:27,842 Where are you going with that? 75 00:03:27,870 --> 00:03:30,475 I was just going to throw your sleeping bag in my room. 76 00:03:30,476 --> 00:03:32,492 'Cause you can stay with me. 77 00:03:32,493 --> 00:03:36,597 yeah... I was going to stay in Mac's room. 78 00:03:36,598 --> 00:03:39,194 I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Hey, my room's a lot bigger. 79 00:03:39,195 --> 00:03:42,341 I was going to stick with the plan here, so... 80 00:03:42,342 --> 00:03:45,596 Okay, listen, man, since you're here and you've got all this beer, 81 00:03:45,597 --> 00:03:48,153 let's crack a couple of them open. Let's get tipsy. 82 00:03:48,154 --> 00:03:52,497 Yeah, but the beer is for me and Mac, you know, to... 83 00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:55,782 - It doesn't have to be though. - to celebrate the ass-kicking. 84 00:03:55,783 --> 00:04:00,570 Well, I mean there's... 24 beers there, if I'm counting right. 85 00:04:00,571 --> 00:04:02,549 - 12 for me and 12 for Mac. - 12 for Mac... 86 00:04:02,550 --> 00:04:04,529 That's sort of our thing that we do. 87 00:04:04,530 --> 00:04:07,873 You guys are really going to drink that many, just the two of you tonight? 88 00:04:08,051 --> 00:04:10,619 We could do something else. Let's do something else. 89 00:04:10,620 --> 00:04:12,156 Hey, board games, man. 90 00:04:12,157 --> 00:04:14,492 Let's have a board game night. Chinese checkers, I got... 91 00:04:14,493 --> 00:04:16,325 - That's kind of foreign, so... - I got... 92 00:04:16,326 --> 00:04:19,701 I got Clue, you know, we could solve a mystery together. 93 00:04:19,702 --> 00:04:21,479 - We could... - Complicated stuff there. 94 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,074 What about Connect Four? 95 00:04:23,075 --> 00:04:25,220 - Connect Four's a fun game. - I don't like counting. 96 00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:26,910 It's not that much counting. 97 00:04:26,911 --> 00:04:29,655 It's just one, two, three, and then four, you win. 98 00:04:29,656 --> 00:04:31,922 But a lot... a lot of times, you got to count that much. 99 00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:34,602 Not that many times. If you get it once, you've won the game. 100 00:04:34,603 --> 00:04:37,543 So... you're... 101 00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:39,835 - Have you ever spent any... - Kind of in... 102 00:04:39,836 --> 00:04:41,133 - I'm in your way. - ... in my way. 103 00:04:41,134 --> 00:04:42,761 I'm in your way. 104 00:04:44,986 --> 00:04:46,756 Cool. 105 00:04:49,032 --> 00:04:51,198 hey, let's watch a movie. 106 00:04:51,199 --> 00:04:53,064 That's simple. That doesn't require any... 107 00:04:53,065 --> 00:04:54,933 We could just sit down and, like, watch... I bought... 108 00:04:54,934 --> 00:04:56,814 I bought a bunch of new DVDs. 109 00:04:56,815 --> 00:04:59,872 Yeah... I got a lot of work to do. 110 00:04:59,958 --> 00:05:01,945 what are you...? What is that? 111 00:05:01,946 --> 00:05:05,512 Oh, nothing. Just got a couple long-range walkie-talkies. 112 00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:07,523 Oh, cool. Did you get one for me? 113 00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:12,201 I did... not. 114 00:05:14,297 --> 00:05:17,322 Oh, that's all right. I mean we could probably just... 115 00:05:18,316 --> 00:05:20,492 Who has, who has the other one? 116 00:05:21,258 --> 00:05:23,139 Mac probably. 117 00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:31,948 All right, let's do this. 118 00:05:31,949 --> 00:05:33,473 - What are you doing? - Popping my pants off. 119 00:05:33,474 --> 00:05:35,993 - Why? - Because we're gonna bang. 120 00:05:35,994 --> 00:05:38,624 To shove it into Charlie's face for smashing my tape. 121 00:05:38,625 --> 00:05:39,792 How many times do we have to go through this? 122 00:05:39,793 --> 00:05:42,240 Dude, look, I know what your little plan is, but if I'm going 123 00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:44,235 to bang you, it's going to be on my own terms, okay? 124 00:05:44,236 --> 00:05:46,374 There's some things that I need from you. 125 00:05:46,375 --> 00:05:47,546 All right, whatever. 126 00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:49,527 I'll wear the goddamn condom, but I'm not psyched about it. 127 00:05:49,528 --> 00:05:51,051 This isn't about condoms. 128 00:05:51,052 --> 00:05:54,018 What...? Do you really not wear condoms when you have sex with strangers? 129 00:05:54,019 --> 00:05:56,428 - Why would I wear a condom...? - Okay, I don't care. I don't care. 130 00:05:56,429 --> 00:05:58,550 You know what, I just need you to get me in Dennis' house alone 131 00:05:58,551 --> 00:06:00,262 - so I can get something back from him. - What? 132 00:06:00,263 --> 00:06:01,961 None of your business. 133 00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,793 - Is it a sex tape? - No. 134 00:06:04,129 --> 00:06:05,958 Yes. How do you know that? 135 00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:07,630 Yeah, because he videotapes every chick he bangs. 136 00:06:07,631 --> 00:06:09,671 He's got like a thousand of them. I don't like 'em though. 137 00:06:09,672 --> 00:06:12,339 It's mostly that horrible angle that you see in porns, 138 00:06:12,340 --> 00:06:15,143 you know, where it's all balls and male ass just... 139 00:06:16,289 --> 00:06:17,838 That is disgusting. 140 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:19,405 Who likes that? Who finds that sexy? 141 00:06:19,406 --> 00:06:20,947 - That is disgusting. - I don't know anybody... 142 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:22,575 - Are there balls and asshole men... - Okay, please stop. Please stop doing that. 143 00:06:22,576 --> 00:06:24,840 Friend one, best friend two, come in. Over. 144 00:06:25,397 --> 00:06:27,942 I'm gonna take this, and then, 145 00:06:27,943 --> 00:06:29,576 maybe a little bit later we could do some hand stuff. 146 00:06:29,577 --> 00:06:31,806 - Are you in junior high? - Mouth stuff? 147 00:06:31,807 --> 00:06:33,435 - Oh, my God. - Mouth stuff. 148 00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:35,070 - I'll talk to you in a minute. - Best friend one to best friend two. 149 00:06:35,071 --> 00:06:37,500 Okay, what's the status there, best friend two? 150 00:06:37,501 --> 00:06:39,800 You make contact with the target? 151 00:06:40,282 --> 00:06:43,110 Yeah, affirmative. I totally kicked his ass. 152 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,385 Good man! 153 00:06:44,386 --> 00:06:46,770 Hey, what was this jerk's name? 154 00:06:47,344 --> 00:06:49,274 His name... 155 00:06:49,275 --> 00:06:50,584 Don. 156 00:06:50,858 --> 00:06:52,554 Don. Typical. 157 00:06:52,555 --> 00:06:54,562 Did you get a last name on this chump? 158 00:06:54,563 --> 00:06:56,278 Yeah, Johnson. 159 00:06:56,279 --> 00:06:58,670 Yeah, sounds like a real sucker. 160 00:06:58,671 --> 00:07:01,519 Actually, no. He had some pretty sweet moves, but I totally... 161 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:02,983 round housed him. 162 00:07:02,984 --> 00:07:05,159 Took him out. My form is pretty perfect, so. 163 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,256 Sure you did. I'm sure you did. All right, that's my man. 164 00:07:08,257 --> 00:07:09,583 That's my best friend right there. 165 00:07:09,584 --> 00:07:12,174 Hey, why don't you head back to the nest for some pizza and beer, 166 00:07:12,175 --> 00:07:15,038 best friend one, over and out. 167 00:07:16,972 --> 00:07:19,948 He forgot to say "over and out." I can't believe that. 168 00:07:19,949 --> 00:07:21,386 He's lying. 169 00:07:22,445 --> 00:07:25,630 He's spinning you a web of lies, Charlie. 170 00:07:25,803 --> 00:07:27,906 What are you talking about, dude? 171 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,052 "Don Johnson." 172 00:07:31,036 --> 00:07:33,581 You don't find that a little suspicious? 173 00:07:33,750 --> 00:07:36,059 No. Should I? 174 00:07:36,741 --> 00:07:40,245 Don Johnson's the dude from Miami Vice,Charlie. 175 00:07:40,368 --> 00:07:43,983 I'm sure there's plenty of Don Johnsons running around Philly, dude. 176 00:07:43,984 --> 00:07:45,367 I don't think so. 177 00:07:45,368 --> 00:07:48,280 then maybe he beat up the, Don Johnson you're talking about. 178 00:07:48,281 --> 00:07:50,535 No, no. It's something else. 179 00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:55,072 Something stinks here, bro, and it is not just Mac's dirty socks. 180 00:07:55,073 --> 00:07:57,218 - They do stink, don't they? - They smell really bad. 181 00:07:57,219 --> 00:07:58,515 Really bad. 182 00:07:58,516 --> 00:08:01,075 I'm surprised you've been able to be in here for this long without 183 00:08:01,076 --> 00:08:02,387 - cracking a window or something. - It has not been easy. 184 00:08:02,388 --> 00:08:03,737 - I should crack a window. - You really should. 185 00:08:03,738 --> 00:08:05,729 I tried. It's like they're sealed shut or something. 186 00:08:05,730 --> 00:08:07,843 I hate to say this, bro, but... 187 00:08:08,477 --> 00:08:11,121 I think Mac's banging the waitress. 188 00:08:11,921 --> 00:08:13,386 What are you talking about? 189 00:08:13,387 --> 00:08:15,459 Now, I can't say for sure. 190 00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:17,474 I don't have any hard evidence, but that's just what 191 00:08:17,475 --> 00:08:21,531 it feels like from where I'm standing, man and he's gonna break your heart, man. 192 00:08:21,718 --> 00:08:25,271 And when he breaks your heart, I'll be here to pick up the pieces 193 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,448 and put you back together 194 00:08:27,544 --> 00:08:30,916 'cause that's what a real best friend does. 195 00:08:33,943 --> 00:08:35,996 You know where to find me. 196 00:08:36,940 --> 00:08:38,748 Over and out. 197 00:08:43,048 --> 00:08:45,015 Oh, my God. 198 00:08:55,104 --> 00:08:56,846 Jesus Christ, dude. 199 00:08:56,847 --> 00:08:58,805 You scared the shit outta me. 200 00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:01,285 It's a little late, isn't it? 201 00:09:02,714 --> 00:09:03,870 Yeah. 202 00:09:03,871 --> 00:09:06,021 Yeah. What are, what are you still doing up? 203 00:09:06,022 --> 00:09:08,013 Oh, well, you know... 204 00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:10,431 I was just waiting for my... 205 00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:13,193 my best friend. 206 00:09:13,194 --> 00:09:14,376 Right. 207 00:09:14,377 --> 00:09:17,387 Well... I went on a long walk, so... 208 00:09:17,388 --> 00:09:19,491 Hey, here's an idea for you. 209 00:09:19,619 --> 00:09:24,032 How 'bout you take your mind off of it with some pizza? 210 00:09:24,107 --> 00:09:25,964 And some beer. 211 00:09:27,198 --> 00:09:28,710 That's right. 212 00:09:29,172 --> 00:09:31,336 I hate all the pizza. 213 00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:33,373 And I had to drink all the beer. 214 00:09:33,374 --> 00:09:36,000 You must be wasted, dude. 24 beers by yourself? 215 00:09:36,001 --> 00:09:38,246 Yeah, and I'm very wasted. 216 00:09:38,247 --> 00:09:40,996 Right. Okay. Why don't you come to bed, bro. 217 00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:45,247 Ohh, I don't think I'll be sleeping inyourbed tonight. 218 00:09:45,347 --> 00:09:47,806 Doesn't really feel right. 219 00:09:48,519 --> 00:09:52,097 I feel like it might be a little bit better for me... 220 00:09:52,590 --> 00:09:55,510 if I spent the night on the couch. 221 00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:56,915 Okay. 222 00:09:56,916 --> 00:09:59,194 That's cool. Just make sure you go to the bathroom, okay, 223 00:09:59,195 --> 00:10:01,538 before you fall asleep 'cause I don't want you to piss on the couch again. 224 00:10:01,539 --> 00:10:04,434 Oh, well, we, we wouldn't want that now, would we? 225 00:10:04,435 --> 00:10:06,196 No! We wouldn't. 226 00:10:06,549 --> 00:10:08,908 'Cause that would be... 227 00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:11,207 a terrible thing to do... 228 00:10:11,285 --> 00:10:13,781 to your best friend. 229 00:10:13,782 --> 00:10:15,945 Seriously, bro, if you piss on the couch again, you're gonna buy us a... 230 00:10:15,946 --> 00:10:17,570 I'm not gonna piss on the couch, not gonna happen. 231 00:10:17,571 --> 00:10:19,836 I just wanta be very clear: you're buying us a new couch. 232 00:10:19,854 --> 00:10:21,610 - I'm in control of myself. - Don't piss on the couch. 233 00:10:21,611 --> 00:10:23,922 You've done it before. All right, good night. 234 00:10:23,923 --> 00:10:26,825 Hang in, Joe. Myself. 235 00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:36,128 Didn't sound like best friend talk out here to me. 236 00:10:37,685 --> 00:10:39,554 It really wasn't. 237 00:10:41,306 --> 00:10:43,581 You want to come in my room? 238 00:10:44,326 --> 00:10:46,994 I guess I was just fine. 239 00:10:46,995 --> 00:10:48,506 Come on, Charlie. 240 00:10:48,507 --> 00:10:51,295 - Come to your real best friend. - Yeah. 241 00:10:51,504 --> 00:10:53,778 - You're my friend. - I'm your friend. 242 00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:56,682 - Oh, God, your breath is horrible. - Sorry. I'm like so drunk. 243 00:10:56,683 --> 00:10:59,255 - Oh, Jesus. - Just get in the bed. 244 00:11:01,076 --> 00:11:02,896 Oh, my God. 245 00:11:09,588 --> 00:11:11,559 Dennis, wake up. 246 00:11:14,148 --> 00:11:17,086 - What's happening? - It's really late, dude. 247 00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:19,750 There's a certain situation developing between myself, 248 00:11:19,751 --> 00:11:22,306 Charlie and the waitress that I need to talk to you about. 249 00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:23,860 Proceed. 250 00:11:23,861 --> 00:11:27,813 Okay, well, as you know, Charlie thinks that he and I are 251 00:11:27,814 --> 00:11:30,781 best friends, which is total bullshit because you know 252 00:11:30,782 --> 00:11:33,001 that what we have is much stronger than that. 253 00:11:33,002 --> 00:11:35,248 - You and I are blood brothers. - Oh, most definitely. 254 00:11:35,249 --> 00:11:37,856 Okay, so,asmy blood brother, I need to confide a secret to you. 255 00:11:37,857 --> 00:11:39,579 You've been banging the waitress? 256 00:11:39,654 --> 00:11:41,720 - How'd you know that? - You're my blood brother, man. 257 00:11:41,721 --> 00:11:43,598 I know more about you than you know about yourself. 258 00:11:43,599 --> 00:11:45,977 All right, listen, bro. I need you to do me a favor. 259 00:11:45,978 --> 00:11:48,292 Can you get Charlie out of the apartment tomorrow? 260 00:11:48,293 --> 00:11:49,538 Why? 261 00:11:49,539 --> 00:11:51,862 'Cause she wants to bang in your bed. 262 00:11:51,863 --> 00:11:55,011 I don't know. She's obsessed with you or something. She's a total freak. 263 00:11:55,012 --> 00:11:57,328 But I don't really give a shit either way because 264 00:11:57,329 --> 00:11:59,586 I just want to rub it in Charlie's face for smashing my Project Bad ass tape. 265 00:11:59,587 --> 00:12:01,848 Whatever it's gonna take to finally get you two banging. 266 00:12:01,849 --> 00:12:03,653 Yeah, hey, Dennis, I got you something. 267 00:12:03,654 --> 00:12:05,860 You got me something? What? 268 00:12:05,861 --> 00:12:08,659 - I got you a walkie-talkie. - Dude... 269 00:12:09,276 --> 00:12:11,892 - That's great. - That way we can communicate better. 270 00:12:11,893 --> 00:12:14,675 We'll just use a different channel than Charlie and I use. 271 00:12:14,676 --> 00:12:16,642 - That's awesome, man. - Yeah, it's great, right? 272 00:12:16,643 --> 00:12:18,032 Actually, yeah. 273 00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:19,676 Let me talk to you. 274 00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:21,948 Well. 275 00:12:27,216 --> 00:12:28,949 What is this? 276 00:12:30,635 --> 00:12:32,603 What am I seeing? 277 00:12:32,604 --> 00:12:34,731 Nothing, man. You're having a dream right now. 278 00:12:34,732 --> 00:12:36,538 Yeah. Just a dream. 279 00:12:36,539 --> 00:12:38,141 - I'm dreaming? - Yeah. 280 00:12:38,142 --> 00:12:39,851 - You're dreaming. - Yeah. 281 00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,702 You sure? 'Cause I feel like I'm awake. 282 00:12:42,703 --> 00:12:46,305 No, man. You're... this is a dream that you're having. 283 00:12:46,306 --> 00:12:47,534 All right. 284 00:12:48,207 --> 00:12:49,682 Am I peeing? 285 00:12:49,683 --> 00:12:51,037 Are you peeing? 286 00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:52,655 - It's all over the bed. - It's piss. He's peeing. 287 00:12:52,656 --> 00:12:54,463 I told him he was gonna do it, I knew he was gonna do it. 288 00:12:54,464 --> 00:12:55,861 - He drank too much. - Goddamn it. 289 00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:58,121 Hey, guys, if I'm peeing... You're wake me up. 290 00:13:01,207 --> 00:13:04,342 Yeah, bro, but that had to change your mind about who 291 00:13:04,343 --> 00:13:06,337 your real best friend is, though, huh? 292 00:13:06,338 --> 00:13:08,755 I'll give you this much, dude: the guy's acting very weird, okay? 293 00:13:08,756 --> 00:13:11,423 But I need proof if I'm gonna sell him down the river. 294 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,282 Proof? He told me he was gonna bang her, man. 295 00:13:13,283 --> 00:13:15,209 Maybe the two of you are plotting against me. 296 00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:17,824 Look, it doesn't matter. I got a plan to prove it to you anyway. 297 00:13:17,825 --> 00:13:20,450 - All right, what's this plan of yours? - Walk with me a second. 298 00:13:20,451 --> 00:13:23,819 So, what I did is I planted that walkie-talkie that Mac gave me in my bedroom. 299 00:13:23,820 --> 00:13:25,698 We're gonna switch your walkie to that channel and we're gonna 300 00:13:25,699 --> 00:13:28,015 listen to the whole thing. We're gonna catch that son of a bitch red-handed. 301 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,251 Oh, my God, that'll work. 302 00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:31,461 Yeah, it's gonna work, and the whole thing's gonna be on tape, too. 303 00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:33,816 So you know that video camera I keep in my bedroom? 304 00:13:33,892 --> 00:13:36,634 - No. - I got that bad boy running 24/7. 305 00:13:36,635 --> 00:13:38,822 It's like a security cam except it's for banging. 306 00:13:38,823 --> 00:13:41,295 - Weird. - Come into the office with me. 307 00:13:41,762 --> 00:13:45,567 Yeah, he keeps that camera on nonstop, just in case. 308 00:13:45,568 --> 00:13:46,920 Yeah! Here we go. 309 00:13:46,921 --> 00:13:49,446 "W" through "Z." You should be under "W," yeah? 310 00:13:49,447 --> 00:13:51,499 No, my name doesn't start with a "W." 311 00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:52,900 "Waitress." Here we go. 312 00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:55,632 "Waitress." One star. Not good. 313 00:13:55,633 --> 00:13:57,827 Oh, just give that to me. One star. 314 00:13:57,828 --> 00:14:00,216 Okay, well, I guess a deal's a deal, so pop those 315 00:14:00,217 --> 00:14:02,614 - knickers off so we can jam, yeah? - Not just yet. 316 00:14:02,615 --> 00:14:05,273 - I need one more thing from you. - Jesus Christ. 317 00:14:05,274 --> 00:14:07,477 I just want to bang at this point, just to get over with. 318 00:14:07,478 --> 00:14:09,221 Oh, I just want to get it over with, too, but I want you 319 00:14:09,222 --> 00:14:11,325 to bang me at Charlie and Frank's apartment. 320 00:14:11,326 --> 00:14:13,027 You want to bang in Charlie and Frank's apartment? 321 00:14:13,028 --> 00:14:13,920 Yes. 322 00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:16,478 Yeah, that'll be good. Yeah, we can rub his face in it. 323 00:14:16,652 --> 00:14:19,498 Okay, if we're gonna do that, we got to be very careful, 324 00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:22,473 'cause I don't want to get caught slipping in and out before the coitus. 325 00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:24,354 Let's make a plan. 326 00:14:24,355 --> 00:14:27,161 Goddamn it, this doesn't make any sense, we should be hearing them by now. 327 00:14:27,162 --> 00:14:28,796 We aren't we hearing them? 328 00:14:28,797 --> 00:14:30,481 'Cause I turned it off. 329 00:14:30,482 --> 00:14:32,031 What do you mean, you turned it off? 330 00:14:32,032 --> 00:14:33,444 I don't want to listen to this, man! 331 00:14:33,445 --> 00:14:35,104 - you got to listen to it. - I don't think I can. 332 00:14:35,105 --> 00:14:36,984 You need to hear him sexing her, okay? 333 00:14:36,985 --> 00:14:39,638 Because the video alone won't be evidence enough because of the angle. 334 00:14:39,639 --> 00:14:40,848 What's wrong with the angle? 335 00:14:40,849 --> 00:14:42,441 Let's put it this way, you won't be able to see anybody's 336 00:14:42,442 --> 00:14:44,115 - face, you know what I'm saying? - Oh, it's the low down... 337 00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:45,961 - You got it. - I know. 338 00:14:46,024 --> 00:14:49,428 If we're gonna do this, the only way it's gonna work 339 00:14:49,429 --> 00:14:51,551 is if you're dressed like a man. 340 00:14:51,552 --> 00:14:54,570 - Dressed like a man? - You want me to dress like a man? 341 00:14:54,571 --> 00:14:56,992 Yeah. The only way it's really gonna work for me is if 342 00:14:56,993 --> 00:14:58,443 you're dressed like Dennis or Charlie. 343 00:14:58,444 --> 00:15:01,295 I should probably dress like Charlie, 'cause he's kind of my height. 344 00:15:01,510 --> 00:15:05,110 No. No, I'm gonna be Charlie, you're gonna be Dennis. 345 00:15:05,111 --> 00:15:06,767 That's gonna be much better for me, trust me. 346 00:15:06,768 --> 00:15:08,119 We'll dress you up in his clothes, 347 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,621 and, then, that way we can slip you in and out with ease. 348 00:15:10,622 --> 00:15:14,559 'Cause we got to be very careful, this could be a very very messy situation. 349 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,207 'Kay, so I want you to stay behind me. 350 00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:17,895 Get behind me and stay behind me, the whole time. 351 00:15:17,896 --> 00:15:19,679 I think I want to be in front of you. 352 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,408 No, no. You got to be behind me. I got to have you behind me. 353 00:15:22,409 --> 00:15:25,298 - What the hell is that all about, man? - I don't know. 354 00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,572 Now, from here on out, I'm gonna refer to you only as Dennis. 355 00:15:28,573 --> 00:15:31,678 When we slip in, you're gonna start banging me, hard! 356 00:15:31,679 --> 00:15:33,789 - Okay. - Good. 357 00:15:35,381 --> 00:15:38,136 Well... Mac's gay. 358 00:15:38,137 --> 00:15:39,958 Blood Brother One to Blood Brother Two. 359 00:15:39,959 --> 00:15:41,247 Are you there, Blood Brother Two? 360 00:15:41,248 --> 00:15:43,149 Yeah, this is Blood Brother Two... go ahead. 361 00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:45,722 My mission's extremely close to being complete. But I need a favor. 362 00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:48,446 I need you to get Frank and Charlie away from their apartment, okay? 363 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,765 I need to get in there without being detected. 364 00:15:50,766 --> 00:15:53,381 Blood Brother One, over and out! 365 00:15:53,382 --> 00:15:56,296 Now he says "over and out." I can't believe he just said "over and out." 366 00:15:56,297 --> 00:15:57,845 What do you think he wants over at your apartment? 367 00:15:57,846 --> 00:16:00,064 I don't know what's going on with him, man. 368 00:16:00,065 --> 00:16:01,721 Oh, shit, dude, I know what it is. 369 00:16:01,722 --> 00:16:04,056 this is sick, but hear me out. 370 00:16:04,057 --> 00:16:07,371 I think he wants to be you getting banged by me in your apartment. 371 00:16:08,866 --> 00:16:10,932 It's like role-play! 372 00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:13,592 Oh, God, he's got some sick, twisted obsession with us, man, and, like... 373 00:16:13,593 --> 00:16:15,848 He's totally obsessed with us. 374 00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:18,319 That's why he's showing us all those videos and trying to prove to us that he's a badass. 375 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,503 He wants to impress us because he's in love with us. 376 00:16:20,504 --> 00:16:22,315 Oh, my God, he's soin love with us. 377 00:16:22,368 --> 00:16:24,082 Oh, my God. dude! 378 00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:25,725 - This is twisted. - This is dark. 379 00:16:25,775 --> 00:16:28,418 We definitely need to get to about this. 380 00:16:30,721 --> 00:16:32,812 Look, let's just find a hiding spot, okay? 381 00:16:32,813 --> 00:16:33,845 Okay, good. 382 00:16:33,846 --> 00:16:37,324 I'm thinking if I get in the bed and I get real low and flat, 383 00:16:37,325 --> 00:16:40,348 and maybe you're underneath me or on top of me, you know, they won't see us. 384 00:16:40,349 --> 00:16:41,846 Well, how does that work? 385 00:16:41,847 --> 00:16:43,446 Okay, well, see, here's the problem. 386 00:16:43,447 --> 00:16:46,340 If I get all balled up and small, I get too high, and 387 00:16:46,341 --> 00:16:48,148 you'll see that there's someone in the bed. 388 00:16:48,150 --> 00:16:50,321 Now, the further and wider I go, 389 00:16:50,322 --> 00:16:53,210 the flatter I become, like a starfish, you know? 390 00:16:53,211 --> 00:16:54,898 What in the hell are you talking about? 391 00:16:54,899 --> 00:16:56,514 Why would we want to look like a starfish? 392 00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:59,229 It's just the best hiding spot. There aren't a lot of good hiding spots here, man. 393 00:16:59,230 --> 00:17:01,442 Yeah, we need to find another one, 'cause we're not hiding in the bed. 394 00:17:06,161 --> 00:17:08,202 These things are covered in piss. 395 00:17:08,203 --> 00:17:09,715 All right, come on. 396 00:17:09,716 --> 00:17:12,614 - Come on! Stay behind me. - Why are these jeans so tight? 397 00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:16,662 Because Dennis takes them all in at the thighs to accentuate his female form. 398 00:17:17,764 --> 00:17:20,780 I would never say it to his face, but Dennis has great thighs. 399 00:17:20,781 --> 00:17:23,630 All right, now, let's stop talking and start banging. 400 00:17:23,631 --> 00:17:25,070 - We busted you! - Caught! 401 00:17:25,071 --> 00:17:27,271 - You are busted! - we're busted? 402 00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,472 Because you look pretty busted. 403 00:17:29,473 --> 00:17:31,771 no, this is the best way to hide in my apartment. 404 00:17:31,772 --> 00:17:34,344 Goddamn it, Charlie, I knew we shouldn't have done this in the bed! 405 00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,865 Why did you have to get on top of me?! 406 00:17:35,866 --> 00:17:39,173 that's the only way to hide and have it not be noticeable in my apartment! 407 00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:40,613 There's nowhere to hide in here! 408 00:17:40,664 --> 00:17:42,410 - What are you doing? - What are you doing? 409 00:17:42,411 --> 00:17:44,007 - What are you doing? - What are you doing? 410 00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:46,236 Coming in here, talking about how in love with my thighs you are. 411 00:17:46,237 --> 00:17:48,672 Yeah, or is it my creamy thighs you're after? 412 00:17:48,704 --> 00:17:50,905 I see you've taken to wearing my clothes, you sick freak. 413 00:17:50,906 --> 00:17:52,840 Come on, you heard him talking about my thighs when he came in. 414 00:17:52,841 --> 00:17:54,692 It was my thighs, dude, it's always been my thighs. 415 00:17:54,693 --> 00:17:56,362 - Were you guys humping? - No! 416 00:17:56,363 --> 00:17:58,698 Oh, my God, where is the tape? 417 00:17:58,699 --> 00:17:59,718 What? 418 00:17:59,719 --> 00:18:01,645 The sex tape that Frank made, where is it? 419 00:18:01,646 --> 00:18:03,255 Frank made a sex tape, too? 420 00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:05,641 Yes, apparently, he made a tape of us having sex 421 00:18:05,642 --> 00:18:07,951 when I banged him to get back at Dennis. 422 00:18:07,952 --> 00:18:10,631 Oh, no, that's gone. 423 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:12,581 Yeah, all right, here's what happened, guys. 424 00:18:12,582 --> 00:18:15,310 I thought it was one of Mac's Project Badasstapes, so I pop 425 00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:18,829 it in the VCR to watch it, I see what it is, I become violently ill, okay? 426 00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:21,466 Then I start smashing. And I smash good. 427 00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:23,483 So that's what you were smashing. 428 00:18:23,484 --> 00:18:27,231 Oh, my God, bro, I thought you were smashing my Project Bad ass tape because you hated it. 429 00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:30,014 What, dude? I love Project Bad ass. I watch those tapes all the time. 430 00:18:30,015 --> 00:18:31,883 Okay, so the sex tape is gone, then? 431 00:18:31,884 --> 00:18:33,559 Yeah. I smashed the crap out of it. Gone. 432 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,977 Great. Good. Thank you, Charlie. Thanks. 433 00:18:35,978 --> 00:18:37,825 - You're welcome. - Kind of don't know what else to say. 434 00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,738 Say, I will have dinner with you and thank you for this, and thank you. 435 00:18:40,739 --> 00:18:42,441 - That doesn't make any sense. - Just say the words... 436 00:18:42,442 --> 00:18:45,095 No, I will never go out with you. Oh, my God! 437 00:18:45,096 --> 00:18:47,926 I will say them for you. You should be more grateful! 438 00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:50,871 I'm sorry. 439 00:18:50,872 --> 00:18:52,722 I was gonna bang the witch just to get back at you, because 440 00:18:52,723 --> 00:18:54,732 I thought you smashed my tape, and I'm glad I didn't now, right? 441 00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:55,937 'Cause that chick is the worst. 442 00:18:55,938 --> 00:18:57,977 - man, she's terrible, gross. - Only got one star from me. 443 00:18:57,978 --> 00:18:59,527 - I saw that. - You're watching my tapes again? 444 00:18:59,528 --> 00:19:01,150 - Yeah. - What'd you think? 445 00:19:01,151 --> 00:19:02,943 You got weird balls. 446 00:19:02,944 --> 00:19:04,775 You should see Frank's balls. 447 00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:06,679 They're like planets. 448 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,433 You know what this all makes me realize, though? 449 00:19:09,642 --> 00:19:12,556 Is that maybe the three of us were meant to be best friends... 450 00:19:12,557 --> 00:19:13,663 together. 451 00:19:13,664 --> 00:19:16,494 Yeah, that would 'cause a lot less problems if we just called 452 00:19:16,495 --> 00:19:19,955 it even, said we're all best buds and no more turning on each other. 453 00:19:19,956 --> 00:19:22,223 You can have more than one best friend, right? 454 00:19:22,224 --> 00:19:23,832 - Absolutely. - Absolutely. 455 00:19:23,833 --> 00:19:25,560 Three best friends. 456 00:19:25,561 --> 00:19:27,474 Yeah, the Three Amigos, huh? 457 00:19:27,475 --> 00:19:29,294 All right! The three... 458 00:19:29,295 --> 00:19:31,382 - Musketeers! - Blind mice! 459 00:19:31,383 --> 00:19:32,989 - The three... - Stooges. 460 00:19:32,990 --> 00:19:34,558 I don't want to be associated with those... 461 00:19:34,559 --> 00:19:37,291 - I wanna get one. - There's another one out there. 462 00:19:37,292 --> 00:19:39,516 - Move past it. - I can't get it. All right. 463 00:19:39,517 --> 00:19:41,330 Let's move past it, let's put it behind us, guys. 464 00:19:41,331 --> 00:19:44,932 Let's put it behind us, and let's concentrate on what's really important. 465 00:19:45,698 --> 00:19:49,472 Hello, and welcome to Project Badassvolume XVI. 466 00:19:49,673 --> 00:19:52,710 As you can see, the mattresses are stacked three high, 467 00:19:52,711 --> 00:19:56,399 creating a safe but still amazingly badass landing zone. 468 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,558 I will now light the fuse 469 00:19:58,559 --> 00:20:02,235 that is attached to the pyrotechnics all over my jacket and pants. 470 00:20:02,236 --> 00:20:03,671 Here goes. 471 00:20:06,564 --> 00:20:09,564 One, two, three... 472 00:20:09,565 --> 00:20:11,305 bad ass. 473 00:20:17,502 --> 00:20:20,576 Hey, man, do you still get the feeling he wants to bang us? 474 00:20:20,577 --> 00:20:22,432 - Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. - That's what this is all about, huh? 475 00:20:22,433 --> 00:20:23,778 I think so, I think so. 476 00:20:23,779 --> 00:20:25,307 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 477 00:20:26,305 --> 00:20:32,837 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org