1
00:00:01,116 --> 00:00:03,328
<i>What were you even doing
in that crawl space, Charlie?</i>

2
00:00:03,441 --> 00:00:05,882
<i>Well, for starters,
I was minding my own business.</i>

3
00:00:05,995 --> 00:00:07,682
I was also trying to do a little
light reading,

4
00:00:07,795 --> 00:00:09,340
and then I was putting some
cheese in the rat traps.

5
00:00:09,453 --> 00:00:10,650
You were putting
the cheese in the rat traps?

6
00:00:10,763 --> 00:00:11,906
- Can I smell your mouth?
- Why?

7
00:00:12,019 --> 00:00:13,463
You were eating the cheese,
weren't you, outof the rat traps?

8
00:00:13,576 --> 00:00:16,263
No! Well, yes. I mean, I
was eating the old cheese

9
00:00:16,376 --> 00:00:17,912
to test it, see why
the rats weren't eating it.

10
00:00:18,027 --> 00:00:19,700
Why are you always doing such
weird things, Charlie?

11
00:00:19,814 --> 00:00:22,543
I do weird things? Name another
thing that you think is weird.

12
00:00:22,665 --> 00:00:25,632
I caught you stealing a bunch of coins
out of the fountain at Logan Circle.

13
00:00:25,745 --> 00:00:29,042
I was acquiring a little bit
of cash to pay my spy, Dee.

14
00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:31,341
- Why do you have a spy?
- To spy the waitress.

15
00:00:31,468 --> 00:00:33,693
- Of course I have a spy.
- Is that normal to you?

16
00:00:33,806 --> 00:00:35,342
Shut up and give me
my book back, please.

17
00:00:35,456 --> 00:00:37,183
Hey, guys, what book
you keep going on and on about?

18
00:00:37,307 --> 00:00:38,533
It's nothing.
You don't need to see it.

19
00:00:38,656 --> 00:00:40,531
My God! Whoa!

20
00:00:40,996 --> 00:00:43,721
These are my... these are my memoirs.
Charlie, you found my book!

21
00:00:43,848 --> 00:00:47,223
I wrote a memoirs. Hey, guys,
Charlie found my memoirs!

22
00:00:47,335 --> 00:00:48,342
Your memoirs?

23
00:00:48,457 --> 00:00:50,321
I've been keeping track
of all my sexual exploits,

24
00:00:50,437 --> 00:00:54,421
and I was going to unleash them on the
world in a fiery blaze of eroticism.

25
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,541
Slow down a second, Dennis.

26
00:00:56,656 --> 00:00:59,750
- You wrote a book?
- It's more of a tale of redemption

27
00:00:59,866 --> 00:01:03,252
- told through my erotic travels.
- Giddyup, man! That's amazing.

28
00:01:03,366 --> 00:01:04,592
That's good stuff, right? Yeah.

29
00:01:04,718 --> 00:01:06,993
But then, one day, the book just
sort of went mysteriously missing.

30
00:01:07,105 --> 00:01:08,393
Charlie, what the hell
were you doing with it?

31
00:01:08,516 --> 00:01:11,902
Well, since he can't read, I'm guessing
he was masturbating to your pictures.

32
00:01:12,026 --> 00:01:13,891
- Goddamn! Jacking off to my...
- No, no!

33
00:01:14,006 --> 00:01:16,203
That's... Not at all! You
know, what are you doing to me?

34
00:01:16,327 --> 00:01:18,370
Why are you doing this?
You've been riding me.

35
00:01:18,488 --> 00:01:20,593
Now you're accusing me of things.
You just don't get it.

36
00:01:20,708 --> 00:01:22,521
You don't know why I
do the things that I do.

37
00:01:22,637 --> 00:01:24,751
It's nuts! You don't know
how hard I got it, Dee.

38
00:01:24,865 --> 00:01:26,613
You've got it pretty tough?
Your life is pretty hard?

39
00:01:26,737 --> 00:01:28,710
How would you like to walk a
mile in my shoes, huh?

40
00:01:28,828 --> 00:01:30,472
Try your old buddy Charlie on for size.

41
00:01:30,598 --> 00:01:31,831
You want me to walk a mile in your shoes

42
00:01:31,946 --> 00:01:33,740
'cause I can't handle
your big, tough life? I will.

43
00:01:33,857 --> 00:01:35,121
That sounds fine to me.
I will do that.

44
00:01:35,236 --> 00:01:36,813
Oh, my God! Shut up!

45
00:01:36,928 --> 00:01:38,741
Dennis, what's the name of this book?

46
00:01:39,835 --> 00:01:43,450
Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life.

47
00:01:44,697 --> 00:01:50,222
Synchro : Criztian
Guest : Sososeries.

48
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:58,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

49
00:02:17,333 --> 00:02:19,924
"I removed my robe and
stood before her..."

50
00:02:20,229 --> 00:02:23,661
taut, nubile, proud.

51
00:02:24,087 --> 00:02:27,527
"She was much, much older than
me, but her breasts"

52
00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:29,515
were awesome.

53
00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:34,622
"I felt reborn, baptized in
erotic majesty."

54
00:02:36,853 --> 00:02:39,696
- Yeah!
- This is some sweet smut!

55
00:02:39,903 --> 00:02:41,624
- I'm all boned up over here.
- Me, too!

56
00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:43,203
Dennis, we should try
and sell this book.

57
00:02:43,318 --> 00:02:44,721
Personal memoirs are huge right now.

58
00:02:44,846 --> 00:02:46,611
Yeah, yeah. No. I'm going
to sell the book, okay,

59
00:02:46,723 --> 00:02:48,057
but I'm not going to let
you guys be involved

60
00:02:48,173 --> 00:02:50,817
because, every time you're involved,
you get all excited about something,

61
00:02:50,942 --> 00:02:53,044
and then you give up the minute
we hit the first speed bump.

62
00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:55,372
You need us, Dennis.
You're going to need some legal help.

63
00:02:55,585 --> 00:02:57,751
Legal help? What the hell
you talking about, man?

64
00:02:57,864 --> 00:03:00,498
Bro, half the stories you
just read us are total bullshit.

65
00:03:00,612 --> 00:03:01,936
They're not bullshit.
What are you saying?

66
00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:05,733
Dennis, you were never the personal
sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi!

67
00:03:05,849 --> 00:03:08,969
And you never woke up in a rehab
facility with the wounds of Christ

68
00:03:09,093 --> 00:03:11,547
miraculously appearing on
your hands and feet!

69
00:03:11,661 --> 00:03:13,474
Yeah, man, but I did... I
banged that girl in the fountain.

70
00:03:13,591 --> 00:03:15,625
That story was true... the hot
dog, the oatmeal, everything.

71
00:03:15,740 --> 00:03:18,433
Dude, you don't want to end up like
that Million Little Pieces guy, okay?

72
00:03:18,544 --> 00:03:20,489
Oprah made him look like a total dick.

73
00:03:20,603 --> 00:03:22,499
That guy was a turd.
I mean, come on.

74
00:03:22,621 --> 00:03:24,805
Just take some of those stories out.

75
00:03:24,921 --> 00:03:26,884
You can't take those
stories out. That's the rub!

76
00:03:26,997 --> 00:03:28,462
That's why he needs us.

77
00:03:28,578 --> 00:03:32,328
Because the public loves those crazy
celebrity stories and rehab shit.

78
00:03:32,444 --> 00:03:33,607
Okay, well, so what are you thinking?

79
00:03:33,721 --> 00:03:36,433
I'm thinking we take some of
the really good stories,

80
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,473
you know... the Jon Bon Jovi, the
Christ wound stigmatas...

81
00:03:39,588 --> 00:03:40,899
and we recreate them.

82
00:03:41,017 --> 00:03:43,677
We make them true so that people
can't prove that they didn't happen!

83
00:03:43,793 --> 00:03:46,197
My God! Recreate some of
the better stories in here,

84
00:03:46,311 --> 00:03:47,556
- and then we have proof!
- Yes!

85
00:03:47,670 --> 00:03:48,904
Holy shit, man!
That's a good idea.

86
00:03:49,027 --> 00:03:53,009
Now, first things first. We got to
figure out how to get you into rehab.

87
00:03:55,381 --> 00:03:57,496
Charlie, do I really have to
sleep here?

88
00:03:57,611 --> 00:03:59,323
Dee, if you're going to walk
a mile in my shoes,

89
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:01,591
this is a pretty big part of
that mile, don't you think?

90
00:04:01,786 --> 00:04:03,021
- Here. Put these on.
- No.

91
00:04:03,135 --> 00:04:05,490
I don't want to wear one of
your dirty sleeping outfits.

92
00:04:05,614 --> 00:04:07,725
I'm sorry, Dee, but my
"outfits," as you like to call them,

93
00:04:07,850 --> 00:04:09,214
serve a very specific
purpose, all right?

94
00:04:09,338 --> 00:04:10,755
This isn't just for fun.

95
00:04:10,868 --> 00:04:12,563
I don't have any heating ducts
in this apartment.

96
00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:14,319
It gets freezing in here at
night, all right?

97
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:17,277
Now, in case you have to pee-pee,
I got this for you, all right?

98
00:04:17,613 --> 00:04:19,767
- Oh, my God!
- Goddamn it!

99
00:04:19,881 --> 00:04:21,124
Frank was supposed to empty that.

100
00:04:21,249 --> 00:04:22,712
Totally, no wonder!
It reeks in here!

101
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,570
You have open cans of pee
everywhere!

102
00:04:24,686 --> 00:04:27,647
Well, I'm sorry, but you do
not want to use that bathroom!

103
00:04:27,763 --> 00:04:29,017
Now, eat one of these, all right?

104
00:04:29,130 --> 00:04:31,404
You're going to want to huff
a little glue and drink some beer.

105
00:04:32,348 --> 00:04:34,722
- This is cat food, Charlie.
- Dee, I can explain it, all right?

106
00:04:34,837 --> 00:04:36,979
There's some sort of weird
chemical reaction that happens

107
00:04:37,093 --> 00:04:38,797
when you combine cat food,
beer and glue.

108
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:40,896
It makes you feel, like,
extremely sick and tired.

109
00:04:41,012 --> 00:04:42,884
- You're able to fall asleep.
- Why would I want to make myself

110
00:04:43,009 --> 00:04:44,122
extremely sick and tired?

111
00:04:44,238 --> 00:04:45,933
'Cause there's going to be
about 50 cats howling outside

112
00:04:46,058 --> 00:04:49,638
that window all night long, and you
have no idea how loud 50 cats can be.

113
00:04:49,764 --> 00:04:51,826
Okay, maybe there wouldn't be
cats surrounding your building

114
00:04:51,941 --> 00:04:53,426
if you didn't have open cans of
cat food everywhere.

115
00:04:53,539 --> 00:04:55,463
I have 50 cats howling
outside my window

116
00:04:55,578 --> 00:04:58,819
because I have 10,000 rats running
around my building, Dee, okay?!

117
00:04:58,946 --> 00:04:59,898
- Stop yelling.
- I'm not an idiot!

118
00:05:00,013 --> 00:05:02,177
There's a reason to do the
things that I... oh!

119
00:05:05,099 --> 00:05:06,452
It's starting right on time.

120
00:05:06,566 --> 00:05:09,391
If I were you, I'd start
wolfing that shit down.

121
00:05:10,255 --> 00:05:11,919
I got to go to sleep.

122
00:05:12,982 --> 00:05:15,375
Oh, I'm not feeling good at all.

123
00:06:20,102 --> 00:06:23,132
Come play with us forever

124
00:06:23,270 --> 00:06:25,920
and forever, and forever...

125
00:06:28,862 --> 00:06:30,708
Occupado.

126
00:06:45,299 --> 00:06:47,849
Wake up! Let's go!
Time to start the day!

127
00:06:47,966 --> 00:06:49,800
- Time to get up!
- Charlie! Oh, God!

128
00:06:49,914 --> 00:06:51,898
Oh, God! There's evil twins in the...

129
00:06:52,013 --> 00:06:53,505
in the hallway, and a
twitching junkie in...

130
00:06:53,631 --> 00:06:55,323
What? How much of that glue
did you huff?

131
00:06:55,437 --> 00:06:56,632
I don't know.
As much as you did.

132
00:06:56,746 --> 00:06:58,651
As much as me? Really?

133
00:06:59,126 --> 00:07:01,329
Well, that's probably way too
much glue for you, Dee.

134
00:07:01,442 --> 00:07:03,965
Hey, check it out. You just
had yourself a glue O.D.,

135
00:07:04,081 --> 00:07:05,415
and those are pretty
regular in my life,

136
00:07:05,528 --> 00:07:08,623
so you learned another lesson: Don't
do too much glue or your night sucks.

137
00:07:08,748 --> 00:07:11,029
Hold on a second. You're saying
that your life is so terrible

138
00:07:11,153 --> 00:07:14,445
because you eat rat cheese and cat
food and huff glue all day long?

139
00:07:14,561 --> 00:07:15,624
Uh... yeah.

140
00:07:15,742 --> 00:07:17,502
Those aren't real problems, Charlie.

141
00:07:17,617 --> 00:07:18,904
What do you mean, they're not
real problems?

142
00:07:19,017 --> 00:07:21,612
You make those problems up.
You choose to do that stuff.

143
00:07:21,727 --> 00:07:23,530
- Those are solutions to problems.
- Oh, my God!

144
00:07:23,645 --> 00:07:25,525
You know what?
Hold on a second.

145
00:07:25,859 --> 00:07:27,287
We're going to turn the tables here.

146
00:07:27,398 --> 00:07:29,404
You're going to walk a mile in
myshoes now,

147
00:07:29,586 --> 00:07:31,482
and you're going to see what it's
like to live in the real world

148
00:07:31,599 --> 00:07:33,048
and have actual problems.

149
00:07:33,166 --> 00:07:35,139
Okay. You got some glue on your face,
Dee. You might want to wash it off.

150
00:07:35,253 --> 00:07:36,438
Damn it.

151
00:07:40,869 --> 00:07:42,500
Okay, plan is simple.

152
00:07:42,616 --> 00:07:44,741
You're gonna hang out at the
rehab facility for a couple a days

153
00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:46,938
while we get the ball
rolling with Bon Jovi.

154
00:07:47,051 --> 00:07:48,856
Uh, yeah, I gotta say
I'm a little skeptical

155
00:07:48,971 --> 00:07:52,431
about you guys being able to
get in touch with Jon Bon Jovi.

156
00:07:52,547 --> 00:07:54,791
What? What do you mean?
He's from New Jersey.

157
00:07:54,913 --> 00:07:57,469
- Piece of cake.
- Have a little faith in us, please.

158
00:07:57,581 --> 00:07:59,494
Plus, it's easy. We just
get you into a room with him,

159
00:07:59,619 --> 00:08:02,132
snap a couple of photos, we got
proof, bing-bang-boom, we're done.

160
00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:04,331
Now let's talks stigmatas.

161
00:08:04,457 --> 00:08:06,790
Right. Do we have to do
the stigmatas?

162
00:08:06,972 --> 00:08:10,106
Dennis, you know that this publisher
is gonna have a fact checker, right?

163
00:08:10,221 --> 00:08:11,287
- Yeah.
- You don't want to end up like

164
00:08:11,401 --> 00:08:12,884
the Million Little Pieces guy, do you?

165
00:08:12,997 --> 00:08:14,401
I brought a nail gun.

166
00:08:14,518 --> 00:08:16,928
Is that what that is? Look,
you're not gonna shoot nails in me.

167
00:08:17,043 --> 00:08:19,107
No, I think a couple of severe burns

168
00:08:19,221 --> 00:08:21,315
from the cigar is
what's gonna do the trick.

169
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,025
No, no, no, you need deep wounds.

170
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,523
- This'll give you deep wounds.
- Hold on a second, no!

171
00:08:25,866 --> 00:08:29,050
- Nobody's gonna burn me!
- Dennis, calm down! Calm down!

172
00:08:29,165 --> 00:08:30,827
You focus on your art, okay?

173
00:08:30,943 --> 00:08:32,857
Frank and I will handle the
business end of things.

174
00:08:32,982 --> 00:08:35,104
If you guys really want to do
the stigmata thing...

175
00:08:37,786 --> 00:08:39,129
Okay, good work, Frank.

176
00:08:39,244 --> 00:08:41,887
Now I think we should just probably
leave the body right here, right?

177
00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:43,405
And then in the morning,
they'll come out and find him.

178
00:08:43,519 --> 00:08:45,016
All right, give me his hands.

179
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,184
So I don't go to a therapist.
I just go to bars.

180
00:08:50,301 --> 00:08:53,076
If you walk up to the nearest
drunk guy and bup him from behind,

181
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,944
he always turns around
and goes, "Hey, man,

182
00:08:55,071 --> 00:08:56,834
what's your problem?".

183
00:08:57,102 --> 00:08:58,897
Dee, this guy is great!

184
00:08:59,010 --> 00:09:01,564
Do you come here every night?
Every night, huh? This is great.

185
00:09:01,692 --> 00:09:03,774
Hey, do the have food, too?
'Cause I could go for some food.

186
00:09:03,888 --> 00:09:05,903
No, no, no food.
I don't eat when I'm here.

187
00:09:06,030 --> 00:09:07,582
- Well, when do you eat?
- I don't.

188
00:09:07,701 --> 00:09:09,805
Why don't you eat dinner, Dee?
You got to eat dinner sometime.

189
00:09:09,931 --> 00:09:12,062
Because when you perform,
your nerves make you dry heave,

190
00:09:12,189 --> 00:09:14,545
and you'd better hope that you
don't have any food in your stomach.

191
00:09:14,670 --> 00:09:16,415
- You gonna perform?
- All right.

192
00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:20,144
Now this next lady you all know
because she's here almost every night.

193
00:09:20,258 --> 00:09:22,545
Let's hope she's got
some new jokes this time.

194
00:09:22,709 --> 00:09:24,254
Everybody, put your hands together

195
00:09:24,376 --> 00:09:26,765
for Deandra Reynolds!

196
00:09:30,790 --> 00:09:34,124
Howdy, howdy, howdy.
How's everybody doing tonight?

197
00:09:36,547 --> 00:09:40,544
So, you guys, what's the deal
with those hands-free headsets

198
00:09:40,657 --> 00:09:43,304
that everybody's wearing in
their ears, right?

199
00:09:47,338 --> 00:09:49,680
It's, like, "Hey, everybody,
look at me.

200
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:52,460
I'm one part robot,
three parts asshole".

201
00:09:53,797 --> 00:09:55,662
Jesus Christ!

202
00:09:59,268 --> 00:10:01,000
I mean, am I right...

203
00:10:01,207 --> 00:10:02,779
That's good.

204
00:10:05,185 --> 00:10:08,811
Well, at least it was
short and dry this time.

205
00:10:09,373 --> 00:10:13,311
Dee, what are you doing to yourself?
That is terrible!

206
00:10:13,427 --> 00:10:14,751
Why would you do that?

207
00:10:14,863 --> 00:10:16,398
You just gotta put in your dues,
Charlie, you know?

208
00:10:16,515 --> 00:10:18,539
You gotta take it one step at a
time when you want to be an actor.

209
00:10:18,665 --> 00:10:19,859
Just climb to the top.

210
00:10:19,973 --> 00:10:21,229
What? This is about being an actor?

211
00:10:21,344 --> 00:10:23,499
Why in God's name are you still
trying to be an actor?

212
00:10:23,932 --> 00:10:25,709
Okay, we all have our hopes
and dreams, Charlie.

213
00:10:25,836 --> 00:10:27,158
You're still trying to
get with the waitress,

214
00:10:27,274 --> 00:10:29,678
I'm still trying to act.
We just do whatever we need to do.

215
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,679
Is it funny?
You'd better get ready, guy,

216
00:10:31,793 --> 00:10:32,809
'cause you're next.

217
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:36,751
...for a newcomer here tonight,
Mr. Charlie Kelly!

218
00:10:40,066 --> 00:10:41,467
So, you guys, you ever eat cheese?

219
00:10:41,582 --> 00:10:43,217
Cheese is funny thing.
Cheese is a strange thing.

220
00:10:43,345 --> 00:10:46,348
I always wonder, like, "What is cheese?
Where does it come...?

221
00:10:51,974 --> 00:10:54,046
<i>We gotta figure out how to
get you into rehab.</i>

222
00:10:54,163 --> 00:10:55,716
<i>Let's talk stigmatas.</i>

223
00:10:56,812 --> 00:10:58,256
<i>Deep wounds.</i>

224
00:10:58,380 --> 00:11:01,685
<i>Get you in rehab...
Rehab... Rehab...</i>

225
00:11:02,273 --> 00:11:05,348
Yo, punk, wake up, punk.

226
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:07,868
Yo, punk.

227
00:11:09,651 --> 00:11:10,928
Wake up!

228
00:11:11,251 --> 00:11:13,497
- What the hell?
- Yeah, you in hell, all right!

229
00:11:13,619 --> 00:11:17,137
Know what? My name is Sinbad.
This is Sinbad's house!

230
00:11:17,251 --> 00:11:19,696
When you in Sinbad house,
you my bitch!

231
00:11:20,919 --> 00:11:22,867
Yeah, you know who that is, huh?

232
00:11:23,771 --> 00:11:26,196
That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20.

233
00:11:26,309 --> 00:11:28,257
Sing a song. Shut up!

234
00:11:28,630 --> 00:11:30,393
Matchbox 20, ooh.

235
00:11:30,789 --> 00:11:32,086
You the man, huh?

236
00:11:32,201 --> 00:11:33,564
- You gonna punk him like that?
- No-no-no!

237
00:11:33,689 --> 00:11:36,353
Stay back, man. No, matter of fact,
unleash the fury. Get his shoe!

238
00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:37,905
- What?
- Beat his testicles!

239
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,033
No, no, no, don't, don't!

240
00:11:40,670 --> 00:11:42,753
Come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad,

241
00:11:43,128 --> 00:11:46,602
look, I'm pretty confused about what
I'm seeing here, I'm in a lot of pain.

242
00:11:46,719 --> 00:11:48,054
I just don't know what's going on.

243
00:11:48,168 --> 00:11:49,296
Oh, it's the pain, huh?

244
00:11:49,419 --> 00:11:51,472
My bad, I didn't know you was
hurting like that. My bad.

245
00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:54,042
'Cause I've hurt before, you've
hurt before, we all hurt.

246
00:11:54,157 --> 00:11:56,883
So I'm just gonna break it down. I
introduce myself right. That was wrong.

247
00:11:57,009 --> 00:11:58,592
I'm Sinbad. That's my head shot.

248
00:11:58,716 --> 00:12:00,612
I'll autograph it for you a
little later on.

249
00:12:00,726 --> 00:12:03,892
And this is Sinbad's house,
and you my bitch!

250
00:12:04,008 --> 00:12:06,914
- And I'm gonna show you...
- Everything okay in here?

251
00:12:07,028 --> 00:12:08,101
Hey, what's up, Jerome?
What you doing?

252
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:09,861
He keep throwing his shoe.
He crazy.

253
00:12:09,976 --> 00:12:12,494
Okay, well, let's go. Everybody
should be in bed with the lights off.

254
00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:15,063
We trying to go to sleep.
He keep throwing shoes at us.

255
00:12:16,446 --> 00:12:19,022
Man, you about to get me jacked up,
man. Is that what you're trying to do?

256
00:12:19,138 --> 00:12:21,151
Shut up!
Man, I'll poke your eye out!

257
00:12:21,297 --> 00:12:24,573
See this? This one you,
this one Rob Thomas.

258
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:27,062
I own both of y'all.

259
00:12:28,565 --> 00:12:30,440
Watch your ass, new-meat!

260
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:39,490
All rightie, then.
See you soon. Bye-bye.

261
00:12:41,016 --> 00:12:42,899
- Hey, dude.
- I just made a date

262
00:12:43,025 --> 00:12:45,629
- with that girly rock star's people.
- Bon Jovi?!

263
00:12:45,745 --> 00:12:49,269
Yeah, he owns the Philadelphia
Soul, the arena football team.

264
00:12:49,385 --> 00:12:50,791
I just offered to buy it.

265
00:12:50,905 --> 00:12:53,697
Awesome! All right, now I'm gonna
pretend that I have terminal cancer

266
00:12:53,812 --> 00:12:55,770
and get him to do an
acoustic set on my deathbed.

267
00:12:55,885 --> 00:12:57,350
Wait, wait, why would you do that?

268
00:12:57,463 --> 00:12:59,020
- You don't have to do that.
- No, it's great bro.

269
00:12:59,134 --> 00:13:01,317
Rock stars do the cancer-kid
thing all the time.

270
00:13:01,433 --> 00:13:04,529
Look, Frank, you got us into a
room with Jovi's people, right?

271
00:13:04,643 --> 00:13:06,638
I'm gonna get us into a room
with Jovi himself.

272
00:13:06,754 --> 00:13:08,979
I'm sorry. That's a stupid idea
and I don't want you to do it.

273
00:13:09,095 --> 00:13:10,426
Well, I already got a
bald-cap guy and everything.

274
00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:11,917
You're just confusing
everything.

275
00:13:12,034 --> 00:13:13,809
There's nothing confusing
about it, Frank. It's very...

276
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:17,218
Shut up!
Shut your big mouth right now!

277
00:13:17,423 --> 00:13:19,916
I will put my foot down right now.

278
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:22,686
You are not going in there with
that cancer thing,

279
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,177
I don't care what you say!
So get it out of your head!

280
00:13:26,482 --> 00:13:29,317
Okay. Jesus, dude, won't do
the cancer thing.

281
00:13:29,821 --> 00:13:31,124
Relax.

282
00:13:33,253 --> 00:13:36,806
So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested
in buying our arena football team?

283
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,775
Big time!
But I want to do business

284
00:13:39,892 --> 00:13:42,355
with Mr. Von Joni himself.

285
00:13:42,469 --> 00:13:44,007
- Bon Jovi.
- Yeah,

286
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,107
Mr. Bovine Joni himself.

287
00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:50,107
I'm offering $40 million for the team.

288
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:54,063
Well, that is a very
generous offer, but, uh,

289
00:13:54,372 --> 00:13:57,074
I must admit I'm a little bit confused
about one thing.

290
00:13:57,192 --> 00:14:00,213
What's confusing about $40 million?
That's a shitload of money.

291
00:14:00,328 --> 00:14:01,236
It is, it is.

292
00:14:01,351 --> 00:14:04,496
I'm a little confused as to why
you've chosen to involve

293
00:14:04,670 --> 00:14:06,046
this gentleman here.

294
00:14:07,279 --> 00:14:09,952
Well, if I may, I'd like to
explain to you why I'm here.

295
00:14:10,351 --> 00:14:12,573
Ma'am, I am dying of very
terminal cancer,

296
00:14:12,697 --> 00:14:15,353
and I would like to request
a private bedside concert

297
00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:16,772
from Mr. Bon Jovi.

298
00:14:16,888 --> 00:14:19,184
Now, Sambora's presence is
not necessary,

299
00:14:19,297 --> 00:14:21,845
but it would be nice
if he was involved. Question:

300
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,061
Is this a laser pointer?

301
00:14:23,189 --> 00:14:24,594
- Yes.
- Can I have it?

302
00:14:25,047 --> 00:14:26,074
No.

303
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:28,162
- I'm gonna take it anyway.
- Please don't listen to anything he says.

304
00:14:28,376 --> 00:14:31,482
- I'll give you $60 million for the team.
- Frank, Frank? Thank you.

305
00:14:31,598 --> 00:14:33,382
I got it.
We're talking about cancer.

306
00:14:33,509 --> 00:14:35,211
Nobody cares about arena
football anymore.

307
00:14:35,337 --> 00:14:36,331
You're not negotiating shit.

308
00:14:36,446 --> 00:14:37,932
We're onto the cancer thing now,

309
00:14:38,048 --> 00:14:39,943
and that is the way it's gonna
go from here.

310
00:14:40,056 --> 00:14:42,124
Okay, I'm just gonna throw
this out there.

311
00:14:42,416 --> 00:14:44,382
I don't think you have cancer.

312
00:14:44,496 --> 00:14:45,683
What? What are you talking about?

313
00:14:45,796 --> 00:14:47,792
No, that's chemo, that's
chemotherapy right there.

314
00:14:47,908 --> 00:14:50,660
For the record,
when you go through chemo,

315
00:14:50,775 --> 00:14:52,641
- your beard hair falls out, too.
- Are you sure?

316
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,012
- I told you...
- I asked a lot of people.

317
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:56,890
- ...not to do the cancer thing.
- I asked my bald-cap guy.

318
00:14:57,006 --> 00:14:59,782
But it was working until you
got in with the bullshit numbers.

319
00:14:59,897 --> 00:15:00,832
Goddamn it.

320
00:15:00,945 --> 00:15:02,340
You know, I'm not even really bald?

321
00:15:02,664 --> 00:15:05,008
I have a full head of hair.
Not like him.

322
00:15:07,214 --> 00:15:09,298
<i>Not only do I consider it
magnificent,</i>

323
00:15:09,423 --> 00:15:12,010
<i>but I have a sneaking
suspicion it's pretty good.</i>

324
00:15:14,953 --> 00:15:16,279
His eyes.

325
00:15:16,395 --> 00:15:18,258
Shine it on his dick.
Shine it on his dick.

326
00:15:22,585 --> 00:15:24,527
Oh, that's me, that's my phone.

327
00:15:26,944 --> 00:15:28,248
Hey, dude, where you been?

328
00:15:28,365 --> 00:15:30,588
<i>- I'm in rehab, dude.
- Oh, yeah.</i>

329
00:15:30,705 --> 00:15:32,040
Hey, that whole Jovi thing went south,

330
00:15:32,153 --> 00:15:34,348
so I think we're just gonna
scrap the whole book ordeal.

331
00:15:34,762 --> 00:15:36,166
What are you talking about?

332
00:15:36,564 --> 00:15:38,300
<i>- I got another call, buddy.
- No-no, no, don't...!</i>

333
00:15:38,852 --> 00:15:40,037
Hello.

334
00:15:40,154 --> 00:15:41,880
<i>Yo, Bill, what's happening?</i>

335
00:15:42,003 --> 00:15:43,979
<i>- Who you looking for?
- Bill. Who's this?</i>

336
00:15:44,101 --> 00:15:45,569
This is Mac.
You got the wrong number.

337
00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:47,877
<i>- Oh, my bad.
- Yeah, no, it's no problem.</i>

338
00:15:47,994 --> 00:15:49,518
What number were you trying to call?

339
00:15:51,874 --> 00:15:53,725
- Hello.
- Frank, you got to get me out of here.

340
00:15:53,841 --> 00:15:55,066
<i>Where are you?</i>

341
00:15:55,184 --> 00:15:56,655
I'm in rehab, goddammit!

342
00:15:56,772 --> 00:15:59,187
Well, I'm in a movie, and
this broad's about to get naked,

343
00:15:59,304 --> 00:16:01,508
- so I got to go.
- Yeah, no, that's okay.

344
00:16:03,682 --> 00:16:05,898
- Yeah, I thought it was some chick.
- Who are you talking to?

345
00:16:06,020 --> 00:16:06,955
I'm talking to Bill.

346
00:16:07,070 --> 00:16:09,037
<i>- And anyway, so...
- No, no, no, I'm not Bill, I'm Terry.</i>

347
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,218
Oh, I'm sorry, no, it's Terry.

348
00:16:10,330 --> 00:16:12,114
Sorry about that, Terry.
Anyway, this cat people...

349
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,704
Terry?
What number did he want?

350
00:16:14,830 --> 00:16:16,787
Will you please shut up?!

351
00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:18,917
<i>- What's that?
- I got some dick in a movie theater</i>

352
00:16:19,030 --> 00:16:20,755
- giving me shit.
- Why are you turned around like that?

353
00:16:20,868 --> 00:16:22,154
<i>- Nice talking to you.
- Yeah, call me back.</i>

354
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:23,526
I'll talk to you afterwards.
Bye.

355
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,856
Give me the laser pointer.
Just give me the laser pointer.

356
00:16:25,969 --> 00:16:27,075
- What a jerk.
- I know, but watch this.

357
00:16:27,191 --> 00:16:29,114
I'm gonna do it right in the
back of his head.

358
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:33,016
Bro... you wore the battery down.

359
00:16:33,129 --> 00:16:37,365
Well, how am I supposed to
use it now? 'Cause you... jerk.

360
00:16:37,550 --> 00:16:39,534
- I'm a jerk?
- Yeah, you're a jerk.

361
00:16:39,817 --> 00:16:42,852
You're walking around with that
bald cap on all day and I'm a jerk.

362
00:16:42,978 --> 00:16:45,523
It was expensive. I'm sorry,
I want to get my money's worth.

363
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:47,045
Will you please be quiet?!

364
00:16:47,158 --> 00:16:49,592
Who talks like this in the
middle of a movie theater?

365
00:16:49,716 --> 00:16:53,502
Hey... hey, you don't know
how hard I got it, pal.

366
00:16:53,618 --> 00:16:55,791
You don't know how tough
it is being me.

367
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,062
What?

368
00:16:57,328 --> 00:16:58,912
It's not that tough to be you, Frank.

369
00:16:59,028 --> 00:17:01,634
What is so difficult about your life?

370
00:17:02,516 --> 00:17:06,312
Try walking a mile in my shoes
once in a while and then talk to me.

371
00:17:10,785 --> 00:17:14,132
<i>"Our eyes locked, our hands touched,</i>

372
00:17:14,245 --> 00:17:16,439
<i>and she whispered in my ear,</i>

373
00:17:16,707 --> 00:17:20,812
<i>'Dude, your balls totally rule'".</i>

374
00:17:21,158 --> 00:17:22,589
What the hell you think you
doing, man?!

375
00:17:22,715 --> 00:17:23,979
I heard about this shit!

376
00:17:24,094 --> 00:17:25,860
This gonna stop!
Take his book, Rob.

377
00:17:25,987 --> 00:17:27,412
Whoa, wait, man, what...

378
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:30,471
Come on, man, I was just in
the middle of some really erotic stuff.

379
00:17:30,586 --> 00:17:33,470
Yeah, I heard about that shit. You
trying to write "memoirs," erotic shit.

380
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,300
You know what?
You don't write it, bitch,

381
00:17:35,424 --> 00:17:38,098
- I write it!
- What is your problem, Sinbad?

382
00:17:38,226 --> 00:17:40,180
Think you Jesus?
You think you Jesus?

383
00:17:40,306 --> 00:17:42,438
Ain't no Jesus here... except

384
00:17:42,553 --> 00:17:44,091
me, I'm Jesus.

385
00:17:44,205 --> 00:17:46,389
What the hell, man?!
You stole my thing.

386
00:17:46,506 --> 00:17:47,828
No, no, it's my thing, it's bigger.

387
00:17:47,953 --> 00:17:50,000
Rule of the land: bigger.
It's my thing now.

388
00:17:50,114 --> 00:17:51,499
Took it. Bam. Mine.

389
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:54,128
Fine, but what is Rob Thomas
have to do with any of this?

390
00:17:54,244 --> 00:17:55,907
You know, Rob, know what he
got to do with it?

391
00:17:56,024 --> 00:17:59,189
He do whatever I tell him to do
'cause he's my bitch, bitch!

392
00:17:59,783 --> 00:18:01,819
Let's get up out of here, man. Get
that, we're gonna read some smut.

393
00:18:01,933 --> 00:18:03,838
- Oh, come on, man...
- Shut up! Give it to him.

394
00:18:03,955 --> 00:18:05,526
No, I'm playing!

395
00:18:07,382 --> 00:18:09,068
I got to get out of here.

396
00:18:12,432 --> 00:18:15,137
This is my day, and this is
where I come at the end of the day

397
00:18:15,252 --> 00:18:16,789
before I head off to Paddy's.

398
00:18:16,912 --> 00:18:19,196
Why do you come to the fountain?
The fountain's my thing, Dee.

399
00:18:19,313 --> 00:18:21,036
Well, I'll tell you why
I come to the fountain, Charlie.

400
00:18:21,151 --> 00:18:23,418
I come every single day
to throw money into this thing

401
00:18:23,533 --> 00:18:26,366
to wish for a better life.
Money that you apparently steal

402
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,708
for spys. Okay?
So essentialy, Charlie,

403
00:18:28,830 --> 00:18:32,146
you're stealing my dreams, and if you
don't mind, I'll go get those dreams back.

404
00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:34,555
That was my spy coins.
That's my money anyway.

405
00:18:34,672 --> 00:18:35,997
That wasn't your money.

406
00:18:36,113 --> 00:18:37,884
I mean, that's what
I have to go through

407
00:18:38,019 --> 00:18:38,987
- to get laid.
- Frank, shut up.

408
00:18:39,033 --> 00:18:41,214
You're just pissed off because
I pooled it of better than you.

409
00:18:41,409 --> 00:18:42,727
You don't pooled it
of better than anyone.

410
00:18:42,772 --> 00:18:45,435
You better not loose your hair,
you ugly bold-hair.

411
00:18:45,599 --> 00:18:47,463
I was ugly as you bitch.

412
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:50,676
- What are we doing here?
- This is the time of de day

413
00:18:50,798 --> 00:18:52,883
- when I come to the fountain.
- Why?

414
00:18:53,189 --> 00:18:55,756
When I was a kid,
I used to swim in this fountain.

415
00:18:55,870 --> 00:19:00,695
A bunch of bowlings, kick me out.
So I waited to this time of the day,

416
00:19:00,810 --> 00:19:03,806
and come back,
and pissed in the fountain.

417
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,394
I've been pissing in
the fountain for 50 years.

418
00:19:06,518 --> 00:19:08,344
Why are you still pissing in it?

419
00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:10,216
To get back at their kids.

420
00:19:10,338 --> 00:19:13,003
- Crazy, crazy...
- You can have a good life with...

421
00:19:13,349 --> 00:19:14,973
Isn't Dee and Charlie?

422
00:19:15,089 --> 00:19:17,382
- Hey, guys, what are you doing?
- What the hell...

423
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:20,631
These are my dreams.
They mean something to me.

424
00:19:22,799 --> 00:19:25,261
- Charlie and Dee! Dee!
- Hey!

425
00:19:25,376 --> 00:19:28,732
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking my dreams back.

426
00:19:29,455 --> 00:19:31,921
- What are you guys doing?
- Frank is here to piss in the fountain.

427
00:19:32,036 --> 00:19:35,142
- I do it every day.
- Hey, I like you haircut, man.

428
00:19:35,256 --> 00:19:39,081
- That's a great look.
- You can't tell that I'm bold.

429
00:19:39,195 --> 00:19:42,131
- Oh, my God!
- You can't tell, uh?!

430
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:45,240
Time out. Did you see where
I pissed in the fountain?

431
00:19:45,995 --> 00:19:49,020
Hey, Dennis!
What's up buddy, come here!

432
00:19:49,366 --> 00:19:50,631
What you doing?

433
00:19:50,746 --> 00:19:53,181
Oh, I use this fountain
for killing powers.

434
00:19:53,295 --> 00:19:56,330
Plus, it's very good for my skins.
But that's not the point right now.

435
00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,299
You aren't gonna believe this.
Sinbad tried to kill me.

436
00:19:59,814 --> 00:20:02,241
- What?
- Sinbad, and the other comedians

437
00:20:02,354 --> 00:20:04,320
were in the rehab center
and tried to kill me.

438
00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:07,498
And then Rob Thomas, the lead singer
of Matchbox 20, was there too.

439
00:20:07,615 --> 00:20:09,629
Did it make sense?

440
00:20:09,746 --> 00:20:11,068
No.

441
00:20:11,183 --> 00:20:12,901
Time out. Time out. Time out.

442
00:20:13,016 --> 00:20:16,569
- Did you, or did you not meet Sinbad?
- Yeah, I met Sinbad.

443
00:20:16,685 --> 00:20:20,141
- Can you prove that stuff?
- Yeah, it happens minutes ago.

444
00:20:20,255 --> 00:20:23,338
Memoires are back.
The story with the doush bag,

445
00:20:23,453 --> 00:20:24,830
the public eats that shit.

446
00:20:24,945 --> 00:20:26,839
- The memoire thing is gone.
- You have to go back there.

447
00:20:26,965 --> 00:20:28,978
No, we can go back.
That's too dangerous.

448
00:20:29,092 --> 00:20:32,476
No, Dennis, we have to prove, we have to
make photos, we have to sign documents.

449
00:20:32,594 --> 00:20:36,278
- I'm a huge Sinbad fan. I've all his...
- Sinbad is not the man that...

450
00:20:36,881 --> 00:20:39,577
I am not going back there.

451
00:20:39,692 --> 00:20:42,289
I hope he's writting
something on a windbreaker.

452
00:20:43,664 --> 00:20:45,927
- Okay guys, this is it.
- What the hell is this?

453
00:20:46,042 --> 00:20:47,455
It's the rehab center.

454
00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:50,658
That's not the rehab center.
That's the rehab center.

455
00:20:52,323 --> 00:20:54,477
Well, this is where they drop me
after you guys drop me off.

456
00:20:54,603 --> 00:20:55,876
Everybody, you stay close to me.

457
00:20:55,990 --> 00:20:57,178
Okay? You have to protect me.

458
00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:00,006
Because like most comedians,
Sinbad is very angry on the inside.

459
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:03,135
- Come on, come on.
- You think he will autograph my shirt?

460
00:21:03,249 --> 00:21:07,285
He will autograph your face
until it gets bloody.

461
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:11,854
It's like...
What is this place, dude?

462
00:21:11,969 --> 00:21:14,696
Hey! Oh, hell, no!

463
00:21:15,159 --> 00:21:17,656
We told you to not
come back here, freak!

464
00:21:17,769 --> 00:21:19,156
Where is Sinbad?

465
00:21:19,269 --> 00:21:21,696
You call me Sinbad one more time,

466
00:21:21,811 --> 00:21:24,275
- I will knock you out.
- What the hell is going on here?

467
00:21:24,389 --> 00:21:29,486
This dude broke in here, running around,
talking about memoires and Sinbad.

468
00:21:30,898 --> 00:21:32,615
So you lied to us, Dennis?

469
00:21:32,738 --> 00:21:36,533
No, I didn't lie. I sware to God, it was
all real, Sinbad was here, I swear.

470
00:21:36,649 --> 00:21:39,085
- That's it, I'm calling the cops.
- You thought that dude was Sinbad.

471
00:21:39,198 --> 00:21:41,581
Maybe that load in the head
did more damage that we thought.

472
00:21:41,697 --> 00:21:43,954
- That's not Sinbad, dude.
- I know that's not Sinbad.

473
00:21:44,068 --> 00:21:45,693
Is that a sort of sick fantasy?

474
00:21:45,807 --> 00:21:48,713
No, it's not a fantasy, I didn't make
it up, Sinbad was here, I sware.

475
00:21:48,828 --> 00:21:51,642
Guess what guys,
the memoires is dead, again.

476
00:21:51,767 --> 00:21:53,814
I can believe
you didn't meet Sinbad.

477
00:21:54,009 --> 00:21:56,004
You realize how excited
I was to meet Sinbad?

478
00:21:56,539 --> 00:22:00,133
That wasn't a comedian,
that was some dude in green pants.

479
00:22:00,245 --> 00:22:03,151
I don't know how all this happened,
it all seemed so real.

480
00:22:03,526 --> 00:22:05,491
I need to see a doctor.

481
00:22:07,208 --> 00:22:09,603
No, you don't, bitch!

482
00:22:10,886 --> 00:22:12,529
Wake up!
Yeah, you in hell, all right!

483
00:22:12,645 --> 00:22:15,302
- I'm Jesus.
- What the hell, man?!

484
00:22:16,044 --> 00:22:18,470
You call me Sinbad one more time...

485
00:22:23,577 --> 00:22:25,559
Yeah, I should definitely
see a doctor.

486
00:22:26,305 --> 00:22:32,554
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