1 00:00:02,233 --> 00:00:04,966 Previously on Two and a Half Men: 2 00:00:04,967 --> 00:00:06,521 I'm asking you to marry me. 3 00:00:06,522 --> 00:00:09,045 We might as well just go to Vegas and elope. 4 00:00:09,046 --> 00:00:12,073 If we have a family, we'll need to turn the second bedroom into a nursery. 5 00:00:12,074 --> 00:00:14,217 But that's- That's where Jake stays. 6 00:00:14,218 --> 00:00:17,245 But once Alan moves out, Jake won't be staying there anymore. 7 00:00:17,246 --> 00:00:18,758 Alan's moving out? 8 00:00:18,759 --> 00:00:21,661 Of course he is. Isn't he? 9 00:00:21,830 --> 00:00:23,847 I said, the wedding's off. 10 00:00:23,848 --> 00:00:26,538 - Can I borrow your wedding ring? - What for? 11 00:00:26,539 --> 00:00:31,164 Oh, I thought as long as we're in Vegas, I'd marry Kandi. Ha. 12 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:33,940 I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. 13 00:00:33,941 --> 00:00:36,042 I don't freaking believe it. 14 00:00:36,043 --> 00:00:39,323 Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. 15 00:00:39,324 --> 00:00:40,837 I'm moving out of your house. 16 00:00:40,838 --> 00:00:44,076 I don't freaking believe it. 17 00:00:46,725 --> 00:00:49,037 Do we have time to play roulette before we go? 18 00:00:49,038 --> 00:00:52,486 Oh, honey, that is a sucker's game. The odds are totally stacked against you. 19 00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:55,340 Ooh, Super Slots O'Fun Jackpot. 20 00:00:57,450 --> 00:01:00,309 Sure. Make the smart bet. 21 00:01:00,855 --> 00:01:03,042 Here, honey, kiss it before I put it in. 22 00:01:03,043 --> 00:01:05,859 And the honeymoon begins. 23 00:01:06,238 --> 00:01:10,604 Slots of fun, you get it? It's s-lots of fun. 24 00:01:11,242 --> 00:01:13,763 I'm ready for a refill. 25 00:01:18,980 --> 00:01:21,501 Is that good? 26 00:01:23,606 --> 00:01:26,127 I won. Ha-ha-ha! 27 00:01:26,465 --> 00:01:29,369 I won a half a million dollars. 28 00:01:31,638 --> 00:01:34,249 I don't freaking believe it. 29 00:01:34,751 --> 00:01:37,063 - Alan, you're rich. - No, we're rich. 30 00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:40,217 We're married now, what's mine is yours. 31 00:01:40,218 --> 00:01:42,151 Really? 32 00:01:42,152 --> 00:01:44,672 And the honeymoon ends. 33 00:02:09,377 --> 00:02:12,951 Uh, excuse me. Do you know where Charlie is? 34 00:02:12,952 --> 00:02:15,473 Who's Charlie? 35 00:02:21,110 --> 00:02:23,590 Charlie, you in here? 36 00:02:23,591 --> 00:02:25,524 Hey, Alan. 37 00:02:25,525 --> 00:02:27,123 Long time no see. 38 00:02:27,124 --> 00:02:29,688 - Say hello to my brother, Alan. - Hi, Alan. 39 00:02:29,689 --> 00:02:32,210 - Hi, Alan. - Hi, Alan. 40 00:02:33,095 --> 00:02:34,482 Um... 41 00:02:34,483 --> 00:02:38,352 - I'm interrupting. - Gee, you think? 42 00:02:39,823 --> 00:02:42,430 All right, listen, I- I really need to talk to you. 43 00:02:42,431 --> 00:02:44,281 Can you come downstairs? 44 00:02:44,282 --> 00:02:46,802 Sure, give me... 45 00:02:47,393 --> 00:02:50,041 - ...an hour and a half. - An hour and a half? 46 00:02:50,042 --> 00:02:53,364 I know it's a little rushed but we're on a tight schedule here. 47 00:02:53,365 --> 00:02:56,603 Tina's got homework, Cindy's gotta meet her fiancé and Marie- 48 00:02:56,604 --> 00:02:58,789 Well, Marie's on the clock. 49 00:02:58,790 --> 00:03:02,489 You had two women in bed and felt the need to call a professional? 50 00:03:02,490 --> 00:03:05,011 Better safe than sorry. 51 00:03:05,139 --> 00:03:07,577 I see. Well, I guess I'll just wait downstairs. 52 00:03:07,578 --> 00:03:11,794 Good call. Because, you know, five's a crowd. 53 00:03:13,971 --> 00:03:17,418 Okay, does everybody remember their assignment? 54 00:03:17,419 --> 00:03:19,436 - Yeah. - Think so. 55 00:03:19,437 --> 00:03:21,958 Then let's do this thing. 56 00:03:33,905 --> 00:03:36,567 Hour and a half, on the dot. 57 00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:39,537 Can I plan or what? 58 00:03:40,212 --> 00:03:43,409 Hey, come on, show a little class. 59 00:03:46,857 --> 00:03:49,168 So how's the newlywed? 60 00:03:49,169 --> 00:03:51,523 - Still living the dream? - Well- 61 00:03:51,524 --> 00:03:55,308 I gotta tell you, things haven't been the same around here since you left. 62 00:03:55,309 --> 00:03:58,757 - That's nice but- - Yeah, they've been way better. 63 00:03:58,758 --> 00:04:03,638 I mean, look around. I don't even know these people. 64 00:04:04,182 --> 00:04:06,999 And I can have sex in every room in the house now. 65 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:13,350 I forgot how much fun you can have on top of a washing machine. You know: 66 00:04:13,351 --> 00:04:15,620 - That does sound fun- - And the best part is: 67 00:04:15,621 --> 00:04:18,396 Without Jake here, Mom has no reason to visit. 68 00:04:18,397 --> 00:04:21,844 Heck, I may not have to see her again until we meet in hell. 69 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:24,746 - I'm happy for you. - Come to think of it, without Jake... 70 00:04:24,747 --> 00:04:26,974 ...there's no reason for you to visit. 71 00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:28,866 - I'm your brother. - Yeah, so? 72 00:04:28,867 --> 00:04:30,760 I'm your brother, I don't visit you. 73 00:04:30,761 --> 00:04:32,526 Charlie, listen to me. 74 00:04:32,527 --> 00:04:34,543 My wife threw me out. 75 00:04:34,544 --> 00:04:37,065 Oh, dude. That's awful. 76 00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,715 Yeah. 77 00:04:40,222 --> 00:04:42,864 Well, thanks for stopping by. 78 00:04:43,376 --> 00:04:45,982 Aren't you listening? Kandi doesn't love me anymore. 79 00:04:45,983 --> 00:04:47,328 My marriage is over. 80 00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,850 My life is in ruins. 81 00:04:49,894 --> 00:04:51,534 Whoa. 82 00:04:51,535 --> 00:04:54,226 - What? - Déjà vu. 83 00:04:55,950 --> 00:04:59,860 It's as if I've lived through this before and didn't really enjoy it. 84 00:04:59,861 --> 00:05:03,224 - Charlie, I- I- - But wait, there's a difference. 85 00:05:03,225 --> 00:05:05,999 You can get your own place instead of sponging off me... 86 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,270 ...because you have money now, right? 87 00:05:08,271 --> 00:05:11,047 - Uh, well- - Oh, you suck. 88 00:05:11,215 --> 00:05:14,663 It wasn't my fault. There were taxes and the condo... 89 00:05:14,664 --> 00:05:17,817 ...and- And Kandi's new car and Kandi's new clothes. 90 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:21,181 And- And the shoes- Oh, God, so many shoes. 91 00:05:21,182 --> 00:05:23,703 How much do you have left? 92 00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,465 Eleven dollars. 93 00:05:29,466 --> 00:05:31,652 Okay, okay, let's start from the beginning. 94 00:05:31,653 --> 00:05:34,932 - Things were fine until a month ago- - No, no, no. 95 00:05:34,933 --> 00:05:38,549 I'll go back upstairs, you knock on my door and say you wanna talk to me. 96 00:05:38,550 --> 00:05:41,373 Only this time, I'll kill you. 97 00:05:41,535 --> 00:05:44,605 Oh, come on. You're all I have left in this world. 98 00:05:44,606 --> 00:05:47,126 I need you, Charlie. 99 00:05:50,661 --> 00:05:53,222 Anybody here know a Charlie? 100 00:05:59,156 --> 00:06:01,679 Oh, jeez. 101 00:06:01,847 --> 00:06:04,665 I'm working for Caligula. 102 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,191 - Hi, Berta. - Hey, Zippy. 103 00:06:12,192 --> 00:06:14,713 What are you doing here? 104 00:06:15,011 --> 00:06:18,246 My marriage is over. Kandi kicked me out. 105 00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:20,097 Damn, that's horrible. 106 00:06:20,098 --> 00:06:21,737 Yeah. 107 00:06:21,738 --> 00:06:24,431 Damn, damn, damn. 108 00:06:24,598 --> 00:06:29,105 - Tell me about it. - I had October in the pool. 109 00:06:31,368 --> 00:06:34,732 - Pool? What-? What pool? - Me, your brother, your mom... 110 00:06:34,733 --> 00:06:39,358 ...a couple of neighbors had a pool on how long before she dumped your ass. 111 00:06:39,359 --> 00:06:41,040 I was so close. 112 00:06:41,041 --> 00:06:43,184 You were betting my marriage would fail? 113 00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:46,213 No, we were betting on when. 114 00:06:47,727 --> 00:06:49,702 So Charlie took you back, huh? 115 00:06:49,703 --> 00:06:53,025 Well, not with open arms or an open heart... 116 00:06:53,026 --> 00:06:54,749 ...or even an open door. 117 00:06:54,750 --> 00:06:59,459 After he pushed me out, I had to climb in through the window. 118 00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:01,099 But, yeah, I'm back. 119 00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:03,370 Well, I'm glad. 120 00:07:03,371 --> 00:07:06,483 - You're kidding. - No. With you and the kid around... 121 00:07:06,484 --> 00:07:11,024 ...I won't have to hose down the washing machine so often. 122 00:07:11,025 --> 00:07:13,546 I'll get that. 123 00:07:17,921 --> 00:07:22,055 I guess there's no trusting this butter now. 124 00:07:22,842 --> 00:07:25,362 Or the loose bananas. 125 00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:32,470 - Hello, Alan. - Judith. 126 00:07:32,809 --> 00:07:34,153 Hey, Dad. 127 00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:36,675 Hey, buddy. 128 00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:45,129 So is somebody gonna explain to me what the heck is going on? 129 00:07:45,130 --> 00:07:47,736 I thought he should hear it from you. 130 00:07:47,737 --> 00:07:49,292 Okay. 131 00:07:49,293 --> 00:07:53,455 Jake, listen, I know you liked Kandi very much... 132 00:07:53,456 --> 00:07:57,366 ...but she and I have decided that we really can't stay married. 133 00:07:57,367 --> 00:07:58,628 Oh, man. 134 00:07:58,629 --> 00:08:04,789 - It doesn't mean that you can't be friends. - No, I had December. 135 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:11,790 Alan, I just wanna say I'm very sorry things didn't work out for you and Kandi. 136 00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:14,312 Thanks. 137 00:08:14,736 --> 00:08:17,005 You won the pool, didn't you? 138 00:08:17,006 --> 00:08:18,688 Yeah. 139 00:08:18,689 --> 00:08:20,706 And just FYl, I spoke to my lawyer. 140 00:08:20,707 --> 00:08:23,397 Even if Kandi takes you for everything you've got... 141 00:08:23,398 --> 00:08:28,359 ...you still have to pay me alimony. Here's his bill. 142 00:08:29,833 --> 00:08:32,353 Ha! Six hundred dollars? 143 00:08:32,355 --> 00:08:34,916 He explained it very slowly. 144 00:08:44,593 --> 00:08:46,947 - You didn't call. - What? 145 00:08:46,948 --> 00:08:50,480 When Dad moved out, you said you and me could get together and do stuff. 146 00:08:50,481 --> 00:08:52,792 But you never called. 147 00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:55,190 Ah, jeez, Jake, I'm sorry. 148 00:08:55,191 --> 00:08:57,461 I waited. 149 00:08:57,462 --> 00:08:58,890 I'll make it up to you. 150 00:08:58,891 --> 00:09:01,412 - When? - Later. 151 00:09:04,947 --> 00:09:07,468 I'm still here. 152 00:09:08,144 --> 00:09:10,750 - What do you want me to do, Jake? - I don't know. 153 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:13,230 You really let me down and it hurt my feelings. 154 00:09:13,231 --> 00:09:15,249 I know. I feel awful. 155 00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:17,942 Fifty bucks and it goes away. 156 00:09:18,656 --> 00:09:21,177 - Ten. - Done. 157 00:09:21,347 --> 00:09:23,448 Love you, Uncle Charlie. 158 00:09:23,449 --> 00:09:25,970 Back at you. 159 00:09:31,819 --> 00:09:34,004 How long is he gonna sit out there? 160 00:09:34,005 --> 00:09:36,528 I don't know, Jake. He's pretty depressed. 161 00:09:36,529 --> 00:09:41,575 Yeah. Well, that's the price you pay when you think with your penis. 162 00:09:41,576 --> 00:09:46,116 - Did you hear that from your mother? - No, your mother. 163 00:09:46,117 --> 00:09:48,639 - And how are you feeling about all this? - I'm okay. 164 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:53,391 - Are you sure? - Uncle Charlie, this is not my first divorce. 165 00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:54,696 Got it. 166 00:09:54,697 --> 00:09:57,639 I'll tell you one thing, though, I am never getting married. 167 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,540 That's a sweet dream to have, Jake. 168 00:10:00,541 --> 00:10:03,526 Sooner or later, you'll meet a girl who's smart, beautiful... 169 00:10:03,527 --> 00:10:06,133 ...and has a real grudge against her parents. 170 00:10:06,134 --> 00:10:09,119 - What are you gonna do then? - Don't worry, I have a plan. 171 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:11,937 - Really? - Yeah, if a girl falls in love with me... 172 00:10:11,938 --> 00:10:16,899 ...I'll tell her I can't marry till I have enough money, but I'll be secretly rich. 173 00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:19,002 How do you plan to get secretly rich? 174 00:10:19,003 --> 00:10:21,746 I'm gonna marry a movie star. 175 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:27,537 You're gonna marry a movie star to avoid getting married? 176 00:10:27,538 --> 00:10:30,482 I guess I haven't worked out all the bugs. 177 00:10:30,483 --> 00:10:33,342 Well, keep me posted. 178 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:39,776 Hey. 179 00:10:39,777 --> 00:10:42,298 Hey. 180 00:10:42,972 --> 00:10:45,369 Jake sure changed in the last few months. 181 00:10:45,370 --> 00:10:49,826 - I'm starting to see a real little man there. - Mm-hm. 182 00:10:49,827 --> 00:10:52,520 Not a real bright little man. 183 00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:56,092 - So, what you doing? - Making plans. 184 00:10:56,093 --> 00:10:59,120 - Do they involve marrying a movie star? - What? 185 00:10:59,121 --> 00:11:01,476 Nothing. Nothing. What's your plan? 186 00:11:01,477 --> 00:11:06,185 Well, I figured I'd have a nice big lunch, get real drunk... 187 00:11:06,186 --> 00:11:10,180 ...stroll down to the beach and try to swim to Japan. 188 00:11:10,181 --> 00:11:11,695 Oh. 189 00:11:11,696 --> 00:11:13,082 Why the lunch? 190 00:11:13,083 --> 00:11:16,993 I wanna cramp up and drown before the sharks rip me to shreds. 191 00:11:16,994 --> 00:11:19,643 Well, keep me posted. 192 00:11:20,611 --> 00:11:23,131 I'm a failure, Charlie. 193 00:11:23,513 --> 00:11:29,273 Everything I've tried to do in my life has ended in complete, abject failure. 194 00:11:29,274 --> 00:11:31,501 Buddy, you're looking at this the wrong way. 195 00:11:31,502 --> 00:11:35,118 See, I've failed again. 196 00:11:35,455 --> 00:11:37,725 Will you shut up and listen to me? 197 00:11:37,726 --> 00:11:39,912 Failure is nothing to be ashamed of. 198 00:11:39,913 --> 00:11:42,519 It's a part of life. It's how we learn. 199 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,327 Well, you know what? 200 00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:46,892 I've failed for almost 40 years... 201 00:11:46,893 --> 00:11:49,414 ...and what have I learned? 202 00:11:51,687 --> 00:11:55,156 Oh, that wasn't a rhetorical question? 203 00:11:55,473 --> 00:11:59,088 Come on, Alan, you gotta have a sense of humor about this. 204 00:11:59,089 --> 00:12:03,167 A broke-ass, middle-aged guy marries a 22-year-old knucklehead... 205 00:12:03,168 --> 00:12:05,901 ...just before he wins a half a million dollars? 206 00:12:05,902 --> 00:12:09,349 And then she takes him for everything he's got? Heh. 207 00:12:09,350 --> 00:12:11,871 That's hilarious. 208 00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:15,867 Okay, okay. Okay, maybe you're too close to it now... 209 00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:18,480 ...but trust me, it's funny. 210 00:12:21,126 --> 00:12:23,646 Mm... 211 00:12:26,466 --> 00:12:28,021 Where are you going? 212 00:12:28,022 --> 00:12:30,543 The ocean's that way. 213 00:12:39,207 --> 00:12:41,856 The kid and I are going to the movies, you wanna come? 214 00:12:41,857 --> 00:12:43,202 No, thanks. 215 00:12:43,203 --> 00:12:45,557 - Can I get you something to eat? - No. 216 00:12:45,558 --> 00:12:47,702 - Something to drink? - No. 217 00:12:47,703 --> 00:12:51,024 How about a bottle of Scotch and a hooker? 218 00:12:51,025 --> 00:12:52,790 I just wanna be alone. 219 00:12:52,791 --> 00:12:55,061 Well, you don't need my help for that. 220 00:12:55,062 --> 00:12:56,870 That's your home run swing. 221 00:12:56,871 --> 00:12:59,224 Just close the door on the way out. 222 00:12:59,225 --> 00:13:02,757 Fine, I'll close it. Then I'll nail it shut and plaster it over... 223 00:13:02,758 --> 00:13:09,816 ...and hang a picture of something a little more cheerful. Like a plane crash. 224 00:13:10,201 --> 00:13:12,008 Okay. 225 00:13:12,009 --> 00:13:15,478 I am through feeling sorry for myself. 226 00:13:18,192 --> 00:13:20,713 Maybe not. 227 00:13:24,246 --> 00:13:25,466 Alan? 228 00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:27,988 Oh, terrific. 229 00:13:28,158 --> 00:13:31,773 Charlie told me about you and Kandi. I'm so sorry. 230 00:13:31,774 --> 00:13:33,708 Yeah, well, thanks. 231 00:13:33,709 --> 00:13:35,895 Did he also tell you I wanna be alone? 232 00:13:35,896 --> 00:13:37,787 Yes, he did. 233 00:13:37,788 --> 00:13:40,438 So want some company? 234 00:13:42,414 --> 00:13:44,557 - No. - How about a hug? 235 00:13:44,558 --> 00:13:47,079 Is it a goodbye hug? 236 00:13:48,974 --> 00:13:53,209 Alan, I know what it's like to lose at love. 237 00:13:53,432 --> 00:13:55,952 - Rose? - Yes, baby? 238 00:13:56,334 --> 00:13:58,854 You're a stalker. 239 00:13:59,529 --> 00:14:03,481 We prefer to be called boundary challenged. 240 00:14:04,660 --> 00:14:06,005 Just go away. 241 00:14:06,006 --> 00:14:07,645 Go away? Ha. 242 00:14:07,646 --> 00:14:10,167 Alan, I'm a stalker. 243 00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:14,501 Trust me, this pain will pass. 244 00:14:14,669 --> 00:14:17,401 The aching emptiness that's swallowing up your heart... 245 00:14:17,402 --> 00:14:20,009 ...will be transformed into something beautiful. 246 00:14:20,010 --> 00:14:22,530 What's that? 247 00:14:24,257 --> 00:14:26,778 Resentment. 248 00:14:28,209 --> 00:14:31,068 A burning, white-hot resentment... 249 00:14:31,069 --> 00:14:36,413 ...that empowers you to commit unspeakable acts of revenge. 250 00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:39,730 You're gonna want a scrapbook. 251 00:14:46,377 --> 00:14:48,689 - Dad? - Yeah? 252 00:14:48,690 --> 00:14:51,507 Uncle Charlie's gonna take me back to Mom's now. 253 00:14:51,508 --> 00:14:54,735 Well, come in here and say goodbye. 254 00:14:55,376 --> 00:14:57,309 Bye. 255 00:14:57,310 --> 00:15:01,999 That's it? Come here and give your old dad a hug. 256 00:15:07,319 --> 00:15:09,840 That's better. 257 00:15:10,053 --> 00:15:11,440 You still depressed? 258 00:15:11,441 --> 00:15:13,961 Oh, no, no. I'm fine. 259 00:15:14,006 --> 00:15:15,393 Just taking a little nap. 260 00:15:15,394 --> 00:15:17,832 You've been napping for two days. 261 00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,891 I'm getting old, Jake. 262 00:15:19,892 --> 00:15:22,413 Old people nap a lot. 263 00:15:22,753 --> 00:15:25,695 It's kind of a dry run for death. 264 00:15:25,696 --> 00:15:26,916 Okay. 265 00:15:26,917 --> 00:15:28,681 Well, see you. 266 00:15:28,682 --> 00:15:30,573 See you. 267 00:15:30,574 --> 00:15:33,055 - Hey, Dad? - Yeah? 268 00:15:33,056 --> 00:15:36,420 Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you... 269 00:15:36,421 --> 00:15:38,312 ...you don't have to worry about me. 270 00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:39,530 Thanks, pal. 271 00:15:39,531 --> 00:15:43,717 You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you. 272 00:15:46,807 --> 00:15:51,315 So is he still curled up like a cocktail shrimp? 273 00:15:51,475 --> 00:15:52,946 Yep. 274 00:15:52,947 --> 00:15:55,559 This was a real fun weekend. 275 00:15:56,017 --> 00:15:59,548 Wait in the car, Jake, and I'll be right there. 276 00:15:59,549 --> 00:16:02,450 Okay, I am running out of patience with this guy. 277 00:16:02,451 --> 00:16:06,530 I've had relationships end and I don't go crawling into bed over it. 278 00:16:06,531 --> 00:16:09,557 Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. 279 00:16:09,558 --> 00:16:13,006 - It may not be just the relationship. - What are you talking about? 280 00:16:13,007 --> 00:16:18,977 Charlie, I've studied psychology for eight years and been a patient for 20. 281 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:22,930 Your brother is exhibiting all the classic signs of clinical depression. 282 00:16:22,931 --> 00:16:25,158 What, you think he might try to hurt himself? 283 00:16:25,159 --> 00:16:29,081 The important question is, do we stop him? 284 00:16:29,743 --> 00:16:34,008 Oh, like I'm the only one here thinking that. 285 00:16:35,758 --> 00:16:37,901 All right, I didn't wanna have to do this. 286 00:16:37,902 --> 00:16:40,003 Desperate times call for desperate measures. 287 00:16:40,004 --> 00:16:42,905 - What are you gonna do? - Something I hoped I'd never have to. 288 00:16:42,906 --> 00:16:46,228 - You don't mean- - I'm afraid so. 289 00:16:46,817 --> 00:16:48,078 Hello? 290 00:16:48,079 --> 00:16:50,600 Mom? 291 00:16:52,873 --> 00:16:57,119 Oh, God, what plague have you set upon me now? 292 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,770 Alan, it's Mommy. 293 00:17:02,251 --> 00:17:04,772 Good one. 294 00:17:05,952 --> 00:17:09,273 Oh, my poor darling. 295 00:17:10,241 --> 00:17:12,258 How are you holding up? 296 00:17:12,259 --> 00:17:13,898 How do you think? 297 00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:15,917 I blew another marriage. 298 00:17:15,918 --> 00:17:19,449 I wasted all my money. I'm a complete and utter failure. 299 00:17:19,450 --> 00:17:23,402 Oh, sweetie, you just can't see the big picture, can you? 300 00:17:23,403 --> 00:17:24,832 What big picture? 301 00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:29,710 Every foolish choice you've made, every wasted opportunity... 302 00:17:29,711 --> 00:17:33,705 ...every hapless misstep in your sad, misbegotten life- 303 00:17:33,706 --> 00:17:35,598 I know, I know. 304 00:17:35,599 --> 00:17:38,541 It's an opportunity to learn and grow. 305 00:17:38,542 --> 00:17:44,009 Well, perhaps. But more importantly, it's a reflection on me. 306 00:17:44,010 --> 00:17:46,531 Always good to see you, Mom. 307 00:17:46,532 --> 00:17:49,920 - I'm not finished. - Of course not. 308 00:17:50,023 --> 00:17:52,672 There is a silver lining in this dark cloud. 309 00:17:52,673 --> 00:17:55,546 I can't wait to hear about it. 310 00:17:57,046 --> 00:18:02,703 You're all alone, you're penniless and you have no prospects. 311 00:18:02,850 --> 00:18:06,128 Are we at the silver-lining part yet? 312 00:18:06,129 --> 00:18:07,390 Yes. 313 00:18:07,391 --> 00:18:14,227 Short of contracting a flesh-eating disease, things couldn't get any worse. 314 00:18:14,372 --> 00:18:16,306 You've hit rock bottom. 315 00:18:16,307 --> 00:18:19,130 You have nowhere to go but up. 316 00:18:20,470 --> 00:18:22,403 You know what? 317 00:18:22,404 --> 00:18:24,885 You're right. 318 00:18:24,886 --> 00:18:31,066 You're self-obsessed, insensitive and soul-sucking, but you're right. 319 00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:33,920 I have stared into the abyss... 320 00:18:33,969 --> 00:18:35,986 ...and I'm still here. 321 00:18:35,987 --> 00:18:40,191 I- I've had my heart shattered and then shattered again... 322 00:18:40,192 --> 00:18:42,713 ...and I'm still here. 323 00:18:42,841 --> 00:18:46,500 I've taken every piece of crap that life could throw at me... 324 00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:47,761 ...and I'm still here. 325 00:18:47,762 --> 00:18:54,028 Well, we don't have to turn this into An Evening with Liza Minnelli. 326 00:18:54,029 --> 00:18:56,832 Now, get washed, get dressed... 327 00:18:56,972 --> 00:18:59,621 - ...get on with your life. - Okay. 328 00:18:59,622 --> 00:19:04,415 And remember, no matter what, I'll always love you. 329 00:19:04,794 --> 00:19:08,115 - I know. Thanks. - Oh, don't thank me, sweetheart. 330 00:19:08,116 --> 00:19:11,524 I'm your mother, I have to love you. 331 00:19:21,624 --> 00:19:23,851 Hey. 332 00:19:23,852 --> 00:19:26,922 - Hey. - Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's. 333 00:19:26,923 --> 00:19:28,477 No problem. 334 00:19:28,478 --> 00:19:30,243 Sorry I had to send Mom in there. 335 00:19:30,245 --> 00:19:31,968 No, no, you did the right thing. 336 00:19:31,969 --> 00:19:34,197 I needed a good slap in the face. 337 00:19:34,198 --> 00:19:39,984 Although with Mom, it's more like a nail gun to the testicles. 338 00:19:40,716 --> 00:19:42,355 That was my thinking. 339 00:19:42,356 --> 00:19:45,215 Well, I'm really grateful. 340 00:19:45,384 --> 00:19:47,905 Don't mention it. 341 00:19:48,579 --> 00:19:50,135 So... 342 00:19:50,136 --> 00:19:51,734 ...look at us, huh? 343 00:19:51,735 --> 00:19:54,255 Just like old times. Ha. 344 00:19:54,340 --> 00:19:56,820 Yep. 345 00:19:56,821 --> 00:20:00,028 The Harper brothers, together again. 346 00:20:00,060 --> 00:20:01,867 Uh-huh. 347 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:06,620 The chicks will come and go but you and I will always be there for each other. 348 00:20:06,621 --> 00:20:09,141 Sure. 349 00:20:09,396 --> 00:20:11,916 Forever. 350 00:20:14,231 --> 00:20:20,413 Not literally till the end of time but, you know, till one of us dies. 351 00:20:20,414 --> 00:20:25,544 It will probably be you because you don't take very good care of yourself. 352 00:20:25,545 --> 00:20:28,065 Gotcha. 353 00:20:29,497 --> 00:20:32,018 Fist me. 354 00:20:35,764 --> 00:20:37,865 You want me to fist you? 355 00:20:37,866 --> 00:20:41,305 You know, like the bros in the 'hood. 356 00:20:42,323 --> 00:20:45,812 We're the bros and this is our 'hood. 357 00:20:50,524 --> 00:20:53,045 Pow! Right on. 358 00:20:56,076 --> 00:20:58,723 Tell you what, I will grab us a couple of brewskies... 359 00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:02,088 ...so that Team Harper can kick back and chill. 360 00:21:02,089 --> 00:21:03,937 - Terrific. - Uh... 361 00:21:03,938 --> 00:21:06,797 Well, actually, I am more in the mood for a chardonnay... 362 00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:08,689 ...but I'll get you a beer. 363 00:21:08,690 --> 00:21:09,951 Okay. 364 00:21:09,952 --> 00:21:13,862 Oh, uh, maybe I'll make a nice little plate of cheese and crackers. 365 00:21:13,863 --> 00:21:16,007 Nothing fancy. 366 00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:17,984 - Good. - Ooh. 367 00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:21,554 Uh, I don't suppose you have any Brie. 368 00:21:22,064 --> 00:21:24,584 I don't know. 369 00:21:24,671 --> 00:21:29,208 Not important. You relax, I got you covered. Pow!