1 00:00:00,959 --> 00:00:02,557 Kandi, Kandi, listen to me. 2 00:00:02,562 --> 00:00:05,004 Our divorce does not have to be adversarial. 3 00:00:05,145 --> 00:00:07,185 I bet she won't know that word. 4 00:00:07,512 --> 00:00:10,307 No, no, not "Ads for cereal". 5 00:00:11,582 --> 00:00:14,115 -Told 'ya. -Do you know it? 6 00:00:14,255 --> 00:00:16,089 That wasn't the bet. 7 00:00:16,421 --> 00:00:20,600 Oh, come on, you're being very unfair. I love Chester as much as you do. 8 00:00:20,903 --> 00:00:21,906 Oh really? 9 00:00:21,907 --> 00:00:24,915 Oh, then maybe you could explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, 10 00:00:24,916 --> 00:00:29,038 gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug. 11 00:00:29,090 --> 00:00:31,955 When did you change your name to Chester? 12 00:00:34,675 --> 00:00:37,103 And it's not just me, Jake loves that dog too. 13 00:00:37,190 --> 00:00:38,807 No, I don't. 14 00:00:39,863 --> 00:00:42,484 He slobbers and he threw up in my shoe. 15 00:00:42,938 --> 00:00:45,209 I had a date like that once. 16 00:00:45,820 --> 00:00:48,703 You'd think it would have slow me down but no... 17 00:00:48,930 --> 00:00:51,131 All right, all right. Can I at least talk to him? 18 00:00:51,183 --> 00:00:55,097 My father talks to dogs and they send me to a psychologist. 19 00:00:55,238 --> 00:00:58,486 Hello, Chester? It's Daddy! 20 00:00:59,255 --> 00:01:03,168 Who's a good boy? You're a good boy. 21 00:01:03,674 --> 00:01:06,033 Yes you are! Yes you are! 22 00:01:06,731 --> 00:01:09,033 Yes... Kandi, I wasn't finished. 23 00:01:09,508 --> 00:01:11,535 Yeah, well, well I have rights here! 24 00:01:11,622 --> 00:01:15,658 And I intend to pursue those rights with all the means at my disposal. 25 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:19,208 Yeah! Well, OK, OK, goodbye! 26 00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:22,593 -Alan? -Yeah? 27 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,986 Who's a moron? You're a moron! 28 00:01:25,039 --> 00:01:27,467 Yes you are! Yes you are! 29 00:01:28,864 --> 00:01:32,441 Well, it may be funny to you, but that dog means a lot to me. 30 00:01:33,350 --> 00:01:35,830 It's really about the dog or is it about Kandi? 31 00:01:35,831 --> 00:01:37,403 It's about the dog! 32 00:01:37,420 --> 00:01:39,936 I mean, we bought a condo, she's keeping it. 33 00:01:39,937 --> 00:01:42,766 We bought a car, she's keeping it. What do I get to keep? 34 00:01:42,975 --> 00:01:45,159 Certainly not your dignity. 35 00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:49,074 OK, let's look at the big picture. 36 00:01:49,266 --> 00:01:51,990 You're a middle-aged guy, who married a stupid woman, 37 00:01:52,026 --> 00:01:54,140 half his age, for no other reason that the sex was great. 38 00:01:54,175 --> 00:01:55,537 You're with me so far? 39 00:01:55,904 --> 00:01:57,040 Yeah. 40 00:01:57,110 --> 00:02:01,024 Good. Then you ran out of money, she got bored and threw you out. 41 00:02:01,574 --> 00:02:02,780 What's your point? 42 00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:07,077 Why does everything need a point, why can't I just make fun of you. 43 00:02:07,666 --> 00:02:09,640 I want my dog, Charlie. 44 00:02:09,675 --> 00:02:13,256 There'll be other dogs... not in my house. 45 00:02:14,914 --> 00:02:18,598 Just remember, the worst thing you can do is fight over who gets what. 46 00:02:18,602 --> 00:02:21,048 -The trick is to give her everything. -Everything? 47 00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:23,441 Whatever she wants, because when all is said and done, 48 00:02:23,442 --> 00:02:27,197 you'll get the one thing that matters most, the thing you can't put a price on. 49 00:02:27,249 --> 00:02:28,542 My dignity? 50 00:02:28,572 --> 00:02:31,036 Oh stop it, that ship has sailed... 51 00:02:32,818 --> 00:02:34,233 No, no... 52 00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:38,810 The thing you get, is freedom, the opportunity to start over. 53 00:02:38,949 --> 00:02:41,692 Maybe a little sadder, but a whole lot wiser. 54 00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:44,382 And the next time you'll meet a woman, and trust me, you will, 55 00:02:44,452 --> 00:02:48,488 you'll have a real shot at true and lasting happiness. 56 00:02:49,312 --> 00:02:51,723 I want my dog. 57 00:02:53,808 --> 00:02:58,350 Well, good luck with that, because I was lying about the other stuff. 58 00:03:00,706 --> 00:03:06,129 Episode 4x04 "A Pot-Smoking Monkey" 59 00:03:07,483 --> 00:03:12,777 Transcript/Synchro: Porkepick Corrections: Bouliii 60 00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:20,169 http://z11.invisionfree.com/taahm 61 00:03:27,243 --> 00:03:29,667 Listen, why don't we share custody of Chester? 62 00:03:29,689 --> 00:03:32,780 You know, you get one week, and I get one week. 63 00:03:32,964 --> 00:03:35,041 It doesn't make any difference. 64 00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:39,442 Dog weeks and people weeks are the same thing. 65 00:03:41,626 --> 00:03:44,492 Hey dad, how come you don't give me an allowance? 66 00:03:44,526 --> 00:03:47,631 Because your mother gives you an allowance. Look, I'm just trying to be fair here. 67 00:03:47,632 --> 00:03:51,760 Speaking of fair, it doesn't seem fair that mom has to pay me and you don't. 68 00:03:51,896 --> 00:03:54,592 Hang on, Kandi. Let me explain something to you, 69 00:03:54,593 --> 00:03:57,047 every cent your mother has, comes from me. 70 00:03:57,048 --> 00:04:00,051 So when she gives you an allowance, it's really me giving you an allowance. 71 00:04:00,085 --> 00:04:03,788 I don't need to know how it works, I just need more money. 72 00:04:06,498 --> 00:04:07,796 Take a number. 73 00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,945 -Sorry, go ahead. -Six. 74 00:04:13,973 --> 00:04:14,912 Morning. 75 00:04:15,372 --> 00:04:16,269 Morning. 76 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:19,003 Look, if Chester is gonna live anywhere full time, 77 00:04:19,027 --> 00:04:22,332 -I don't see why it shouldn't be here. -I do, I see why. 78 00:04:24,332 --> 00:04:25,609 When he split with your mother, 79 00:04:25,610 --> 00:04:27,581 did they fight like this over your custody? 80 00:04:27,589 --> 00:04:31,013 They still do. "You take him. No you take him." 81 00:04:31,669 --> 00:04:33,435 OK, OK, OK, fine. 82 00:04:33,464 --> 00:04:37,332 You want this to get ugly, you want to play hardball, I will play hardball. 83 00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:39,733 How come you don't give me an allowance? 84 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,198 What are you, drunk? 85 00:04:43,235 --> 00:04:47,033 Well, I am gonna get a lawyer, I'm gonna take you to court, yeah! 86 00:04:47,098 --> 00:04:49,267 And then we'll just see who gets Chester. 87 00:04:49,286 --> 00:04:52,725 Yeah! Yeah! Well, well, have your lawyer call my lawyer! 88 00:04:54,000 --> 00:05:00,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 89 00:05:02,198 --> 00:05:03,935 You know a lawyer? 90 00:05:12,820 --> 00:05:13,918 Oh... 91 00:05:15,005 --> 00:05:15,690 Hi. 92 00:05:15,718 --> 00:05:17,136 What do you want, Alan? 93 00:05:17,610 --> 00:05:19,975 Huh, OK, right to it huh? 94 00:05:21,477 --> 00:05:23,871 As you know, Kandi and I are splitting up... 95 00:05:24,145 --> 00:05:25,957 Yeah, * quelle surprise. * 96 00:05:27,918 --> 00:05:29,410 * Merci. * 97 00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:35,706 Anyhoo, I'm gonna need a good lawyer, and, huh... I thought, you know, 98 00:05:35,912 --> 00:05:40,531 who better than the rabid jackal who ripped my lungs out in my first divorce? 99 00:05:41,031 --> 00:05:42,580 You want my lawyer? 100 00:05:42,589 --> 00:05:44,810 Well I certainly don't want mine. 101 00:05:45,533 --> 00:05:47,787 Gee Alan, I'm sorry but I can't give him to you. 102 00:05:47,862 --> 00:05:50,810 -Why not? -Because I already gave him to Kandi. 103 00:05:51,373 --> 00:05:53,133 You're joking, right? 104 00:05:53,268 --> 00:05:55,552 I'm smiling, but I'm not joking. 105 00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:58,975 Why would you do that? 106 00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:01,350 I don't know, kicks... 107 00:06:01,942 --> 00:06:05,071 Oh Judith, when did you start hating me so much? 108 00:06:05,294 --> 00:06:08,759 Well let's see... I disliked you when we were married, 109 00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:11,866 I resented you when we divorced, but I don't think I hated you 110 00:06:11,867 --> 00:06:15,976 until you started having sex with that gorgeous 22 year-old dumbbell. 111 00:06:16,385 --> 00:06:19,036 -OK, well thanks for clearing that up. -Bye bye. 112 00:06:23,629 --> 00:06:25,959 Look, if you really want to make some extra cash, 113 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,455 I'm sure we can find some household chores for you to do. 114 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:31,131 Oh yeah, there's big money in that. 115 00:06:32,577 --> 00:06:34,509 What kind of chores? 116 00:06:34,546 --> 00:06:36,032 Well, let see... 117 00:06:36,035 --> 00:06:39,497 Take out the garbage, sweep up the garage, wash my car. 118 00:06:39,511 --> 00:06:41,457 No, none of those sound good. 119 00:06:45,215 --> 00:06:46,858 I'll tell you what, 120 00:06:48,985 --> 00:06:51,198 I'll give you 10 bucks, 121 00:06:51,339 --> 00:06:54,642 if you can eat this entire tub of ice cream in less than 20 minutes. 122 00:06:54,644 --> 00:06:55,677 OK... 123 00:06:55,714 --> 00:07:00,429 Charlie, that will shoot out of him like Ben & Jerry on rocket skates. 124 00:07:01,227 --> 00:07:03,847 Here, eat these instead. 125 00:07:04,269 --> 00:07:08,386 By the time they get through you, it'll be your mother's problem. 126 00:07:09,052 --> 00:07:11,390 -All of them in 20 minutes, right? -Yep 127 00:07:11,756 --> 00:07:14,065 Then can I have the ice cream? 128 00:07:16,257 --> 00:07:17,976 Oh oh... 129 00:07:30,389 --> 00:07:32,656 Alan, you should have called. 130 00:07:32,932 --> 00:07:35,302 I didn't feel like calling, I want to see my dog. 131 00:07:35,377 --> 00:07:37,492 Well maybe he doesn't want to see you. 132 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,097 Why don't we let him decide? 133 00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,510 No, he's been through enough. 134 00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:43,736 Oh really? Did he tell you that? 135 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,502 How could he tell me anything? 136 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:49,182 You know as well as I do that he keeps everything bottled up. 137 00:07:49,316 --> 00:07:52,706 -Dammit Kandi, I want to see my dog... -Don't you yell at me... 138 00:07:52,818 --> 00:07:55,494 If you have anything to say, you can say it to my lawyer. 139 00:07:55,495 --> 00:07:56,663 Maybe I will. 140 00:07:56,837 --> 00:08:00,133 Honey, Alan has something he wants to say to you. 141 00:08:01,274 --> 00:08:02,720 Hey Alan. 142 00:08:04,588 --> 00:08:05,950 What's up? 143 00:08:08,545 --> 00:08:10,710 It's you... 144 00:08:10,711 --> 00:08:12,188 the jackal! 145 00:08:13,549 --> 00:08:15,239 Oh that hurts. 146 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:19,953 Listen, as long as you're here, is your billing address still the same? 147 00:08:20,047 --> 00:08:21,915 -Huh huh. -Great. 148 00:08:22,026 --> 00:08:24,644 Well, I guess I'll see you in court. 149 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:27,930 Oh, and don't worry, I'm not gonna bill you for this consultation, 150 00:08:28,016 --> 00:08:30,750 there's nothing legal billing on here. 151 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,070 Un-freaking-believable. 152 00:08:41,124 --> 00:08:43,670 It's like watching a pot-smoking monkey. 153 00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:46,277 10 dollars, please. 154 00:08:46,497 --> 00:08:51,451 Serves me right, betting against a kid who can eat a happy meal, toys and all... 155 00:08:52,310 --> 00:08:53,602 Thank you. 156 00:08:54,424 --> 00:08:55,842 what are you doing? 157 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,039 You told me how to always do my own count. 158 00:08:58,086 --> 00:09:00,027 Yeah but you can trust me. 159 00:09:00,358 --> 00:09:04,030 Seven, eight, nine!? 160 00:09:06,433 --> 00:09:09,340 It was an honest mistake. 161 00:09:09,401 --> 00:09:11,306 I'm sure. 162 00:09:12,911 --> 00:09:15,156 So what are you gonna do with your winnings? 163 00:09:15,157 --> 00:09:16,369 It's a secret. 164 00:09:16,370 --> 00:09:18,404 -So it's a girl. -How do you know? 165 00:09:18,439 --> 00:09:20,852 -I didn't -Then it isn't. 166 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:24,664 Come on, tell me about it, maybe I can help. 167 00:09:24,683 --> 00:09:26,216 I don't think so. 168 00:09:26,235 --> 00:09:29,227 Are you kidding me? Who knows more about girls than your uncle Charlie? 169 00:09:29,284 --> 00:09:32,598 Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell... 170 00:09:34,912 --> 00:09:39,231 Why should I talk to you? You've messed up every relationship you've ever been in. 171 00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:42,859 -Well, yeah, but.. -So you're not exactly a good example. 172 00:09:42,860 --> 00:09:43,549 I get it. 173 00:09:43,559 --> 00:09:45,554 I mean, if I only wanted to have one-night stands... 174 00:09:45,555 --> 00:09:48,053 Alright! Alright, you've made your point. 175 00:09:48,054 --> 00:09:49,527 -So don't talk to me. -I won't. 176 00:09:49,528 --> 00:09:50,476 -OK. -OK. 177 00:09:50,477 --> 00:09:51,574 Good. 178 00:09:57,152 --> 00:09:59,067 Will you drive me to the mall? 179 00:09:59,114 --> 00:10:01,039 -Why? -It's private. 180 00:10:01,124 --> 00:10:03,031 So is my car. 181 00:10:04,598 --> 00:10:07,048 Alright, I want to buy a present. 182 00:10:07,133 --> 00:10:09,330 -For? -It's a secret. 183 00:10:09,465 --> 00:10:12,016 -I'll throw in another 10. -Wendy Chow. 184 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,529 Haha! A present for Wendy Chow! 185 00:10:15,811 --> 00:10:18,697 Now, is this an offering to grease the wheels, 186 00:10:18,772 --> 00:10:22,076 or a parting gift for the wheels having already been greased? 187 00:10:22,114 --> 00:10:26,541 Grease the wheels? See, that's why I don't talk to you about this stuff. 188 00:10:28,081 --> 00:10:30,996 Well, he may be as dull as a butter knife, 189 00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:34,160 but you gotta admit, he's a good judge of character. 190 00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:48,171 Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex? 191 00:10:48,237 --> 00:10:51,616 -Positive. -Huh? Sure sounds like it. 192 00:10:51,813 --> 00:10:54,189 Subpoenas... 193 00:11:02,818 --> 00:11:07,362 Hang in there Chester, Daddy is coming. Oh please please please... 194 00:11:08,927 --> 00:11:11,894 Yes! She didn't change the lock. 195 00:11:16,498 --> 00:11:18,973 But that's new. 196 00:11:22,427 --> 00:11:23,967 I like those... 197 00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:26,290 Skull earrings? 198 00:11:26,502 --> 00:11:29,253 Yeah, they're silver and they got ruby eyes. 199 00:11:29,854 --> 00:11:33,297 OK first of all, for 11.95, those aren't rubies. 200 00:11:33,441 --> 00:11:35,093 You don't know that. 201 00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:37,099 Oh but I do... 202 00:11:38,089 --> 00:11:41,866 And second, girls like Wendy Chow don't wear skull earrings. 203 00:11:41,879 --> 00:11:43,006 How do you know? 204 00:11:43,025 --> 00:11:45,283 She gets straights As, right? She plays violin? 205 00:11:45,284 --> 00:11:47,198 She's also the captain of the math Team. 206 00:11:47,199 --> 00:11:49,170 Exactly. So you see my point? 207 00:11:49,304 --> 00:11:51,316 Huhuh, OK. 208 00:11:53,094 --> 00:11:55,451 How about that skull belt-buckle? 209 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,288 No skulls. 210 00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:03,719 Just out of curiosity, does this Wendy Chow hate her parents? 211 00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:05,776 I don't think so, why? 212 00:12:05,786 --> 00:12:08,668 Just trying to get a handle on the relationship. 213 00:12:08,969 --> 00:12:11,727 She said she likes me 'cause I'm unpretentious. 214 00:12:11,747 --> 00:12:12,883 You know what that means? 215 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,966 It means she likes me. 216 00:12:16,185 --> 00:12:17,528 Yeah, OK... 217 00:12:18,232 --> 00:12:19,958 So what do you want this gift to say? 218 00:12:20,241 --> 00:12:22,734 Huh... "Happy birthday"? 219 00:12:22,892 --> 00:12:24,939 A birthday card says "happy birthday", 220 00:12:24,940 --> 00:12:27,023 what are you trying to tell her by giving her jewelry? 221 00:12:27,521 --> 00:12:30,518 I don't know. I guess... that I love her. 222 00:12:31,656 --> 00:12:32,717 What? 223 00:12:33,534 --> 00:12:35,522 Nothing, that... that's terrific. 224 00:12:35,572 --> 00:12:38,852 Hey, just because you don't love any girl doesn't mean I shouldn't. 225 00:12:38,946 --> 00:12:42,918 Excuse me, but I have loved many girls, and many girls have loved me. 226 00:12:42,940 --> 00:12:45,333 That's not love, it's just sex. 227 00:12:46,357 --> 00:12:48,416 Sorry, I'm not following you. 228 00:12:49,512 --> 00:12:52,705 If you die tomorrow, how many of those girls will come to your funeral? 229 00:12:52,733 --> 00:12:54,422 A lot of them. 230 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:58,309 Granted a few might show up just to make sure I'm really dead... 231 00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:01,870 But, I feel confident that the... 232 00:13:02,086 --> 00:13:06,130 overall tone of the event would be, one of sadness. 233 00:13:07,224 --> 00:13:09,919 -If you say so. -Yeah, I say so. 234 00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:12,329 Let's get out here. 235 00:13:12,339 --> 00:13:13,963 I haven't picked up a gift yet. 236 00:13:13,973 --> 00:13:16,405 Then, get her the stupid skull earrings. 237 00:13:16,406 --> 00:13:17,999 But you said she wouldn't like 'em. 238 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,810 What do I know? Nobody loves me, nobody's coming to my funeral. 239 00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:25,129 Wow... Where did that come from? 240 00:13:28,647 --> 00:13:32,112 Here, what about this gold heart necklace? 241 00:13:33,589 --> 00:13:35,240 It's kinda expensive... 242 00:13:35,402 --> 00:13:37,786 You want the best Jake, you got to pay for it. 243 00:13:37,815 --> 00:13:40,643 Yeah, but $39? 244 00:13:40,823 --> 00:13:43,076 I mean I love her and everything... 245 00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:44,948 I'll tell you what, 246 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:47,953 if it means we can get out of here quicker, I'll front you the difference. 247 00:13:48,009 --> 00:13:49,004 I don't know... 248 00:13:49,023 --> 00:13:51,500 What do you mean, you don't know?! I'm offering you a great deal! 249 00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:55,547 Yeah, but you always say: "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is." 250 00:13:55,575 --> 00:13:58,157 Alright, how about if I pay for the whole thing? 251 00:13:58,335 --> 00:14:00,551 That sounds even better, so no. 252 00:14:02,354 --> 00:14:04,100 Come on, Brainiac. 253 00:14:05,368 --> 00:14:07,377 What do I have to do for you? 254 00:14:07,687 --> 00:14:09,666 Just promise to be sad at my funeral. 255 00:14:09,759 --> 00:14:11,459 -Do I have to cry? -No. 256 00:14:11,609 --> 00:14:13,546 Will there be food? 257 00:14:14,091 --> 00:14:15,950 -Yes. -Can I bring a date? 258 00:14:18,396 --> 00:14:20,153 You're just screwing with me now, right? 259 00:14:20,189 --> 00:14:21,936 How does it feel? 260 00:14:27,474 --> 00:14:29,441 Still early, want to go shoot some hoops? 261 00:14:29,446 --> 00:14:31,569 Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Chow. 262 00:14:33,753 --> 00:14:36,216 Hey, bros before Chows! 263 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,212 Thanks for the ride to the mall, Uncle Charlie. 264 00:14:44,442 --> 00:14:46,941 Thanks for buying me the necklace, Uncle Charlie. 265 00:14:47,423 --> 00:14:48,602 Thanks for not slugging me 266 00:14:48,603 --> 00:14:52,334 when I started mouthing off about your funeral, Uncle Charlie. 267 00:15:23,126 --> 00:15:24,215 Chester! 268 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,355 Easy boy. 269 00:15:28,393 --> 00:15:30,867 -Charlie, what did you do to him? -What did I do to him? 270 00:15:30,923 --> 00:15:33,736 I practically crapped my pants, is what I did to him. 271 00:15:33,746 --> 00:15:36,009 -What the hell is that? -This is Chester! 272 00:15:36,096 --> 00:15:39,009 Isn't he cute? Yes you are, yes you are... 273 00:15:39,012 --> 00:15:40,692 He's not staying here, Alan. 274 00:15:41,236 --> 00:15:44,448 Well, with all do respect, that's what you said about me. 275 00:15:44,588 --> 00:15:47,700 That's because no kennel in town would take you. 276 00:15:48,168 --> 00:15:51,596 Oh come on, look at him, how could you not love this face? 277 00:15:51,708 --> 00:15:54,244 Easy, I know where he puts it. 278 00:15:54,814 --> 00:15:56,814 Now take him back to Kandi's. 279 00:15:56,842 --> 00:15:57,875 I can't. 280 00:15:57,894 --> 00:15:58,882 Why not? 281 00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:01,361 -It's kinda complicated. -Then simplify it. 282 00:16:01,389 --> 00:16:04,869 OK, well hum... I stole him. 283 00:16:07,658 --> 00:16:11,572 Oh Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think! 284 00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,706 Don't worry, you won't have to do anything, 285 00:16:13,707 --> 00:16:15,394 I'll feed him, I'll walk him... 286 00:16:15,437 --> 00:16:16,756 Walk him? 287 00:16:16,774 --> 00:16:20,216 You could hitch a wagon to him, and settle the West! 288 00:16:20,799 --> 00:16:22,804 No dogs in my house. 289 00:16:22,855 --> 00:16:26,949 Especially stolen dogs who are big enough to make me their bitch! 290 00:16:27,297 --> 00:16:29,654 Wow, what the hell is that? 291 00:16:30,325 --> 00:16:31,762 That, is leaving. 292 00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,677 Oh Charlie, please. Of my entire life, 293 00:16:33,678 --> 00:16:38,459 Chester is the only living thing that I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony. 294 00:16:38,533 --> 00:16:41,105 Alan, how long do you think you're gonna get away with this? 295 00:16:41,124 --> 00:16:44,770 I was very careful. I left the door open, so when Kandi comes home, 296 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,287 she'll think she left it open and let Chester run away. 297 00:16:47,288 --> 00:16:49,879 She will never dream of looking for him here. 298 00:16:50,870 --> 00:16:51,894 Probably. 299 00:16:53,866 --> 00:16:56,122 Just in case, hide Chester. 300 00:16:57,220 --> 00:16:59,163 How am I supposed to hide him? 301 00:16:59,201 --> 00:17:02,816 Sit under him with a pail and pretend he's a cow. 302 00:17:03,821 --> 00:17:05,971 Coming! Please. 303 00:17:08,065 --> 00:17:10,008 Come on, Bullwinkle. 304 00:17:19,679 --> 00:17:21,491 Alan Harper? 305 00:17:21,548 --> 00:17:23,660 Yes. How can I help you? 306 00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:26,336 We're investigating a stolen dog report. 307 00:17:26,688 --> 00:17:28,331 A dog? 308 00:17:28,557 --> 00:17:30,371 Your ex-wife's dog? 309 00:17:31,082 --> 00:17:33,717 Chester? Somebody stole Chester? 310 00:17:34,938 --> 00:17:37,895 She seems to think you might know his whereabouts. 311 00:17:38,506 --> 00:17:42,986 Oh gosh... I'm sorry, I have no idea. 312 00:17:43,583 --> 00:17:46,202 Although, you know what could have happened? 313 00:17:47,235 --> 00:17:50,828 She could have left the door opened, she's absent-minded. 314 00:17:51,317 --> 00:17:53,279 And, huh... the dog got away. 315 00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:15,034 Hey. 316 00:18:16,133 --> 00:18:18,965 Oh, look who's finally off the phone. 317 00:18:18,969 --> 00:18:19,983 Yeah. 318 00:18:20,943 --> 00:18:22,933 So when are you gonna give Wendy Chow the necklace? 319 00:18:23,243 --> 00:18:24,529 I'm not. 320 00:18:25,290 --> 00:18:27,262 What happened? Chickened out? 321 00:18:27,468 --> 00:18:28,539 No. 322 00:18:29,957 --> 00:18:31,457 I don't believe it. 323 00:18:32,092 --> 00:18:34,303 You dragged my ass all the way down to the mall, 324 00:18:34,304 --> 00:18:37,525 I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace and you chicken out. 325 00:18:37,539 --> 00:18:39,955 She just dumped me, old turd! 326 00:18:43,436 --> 00:18:44,604 Oh... 327 00:18:44,705 --> 00:18:47,451 You could have told me that before I started being a turd... 328 00:18:48,204 --> 00:18:51,746 I'm only twelve... I need a time machine. 329 00:18:53,398 --> 00:18:56,137 Oh dude, I'm really sorry, what happened? 330 00:18:56,356 --> 00:18:59,683 She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships. 331 00:19:02,159 --> 00:19:04,910 What, Chinese and Caucasian? 332 00:19:05,051 --> 00:19:06,937 Gifted and remedial. 333 00:19:08,759 --> 00:19:10,402 Oooh... 334 00:19:10,928 --> 00:19:14,615 Yeah well, I'm done with relationships. From now on, I'm gonna be like you. 335 00:19:15,038 --> 00:19:16,749 Why would you want to be like me? 336 00:19:16,963 --> 00:19:19,976 'Cause you never fall in love with anybody so you never get hurt. 337 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,703 OK, listen to me. 338 00:19:26,058 --> 00:19:32,633 Being hurt sucks, but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. 339 00:19:32,659 --> 00:19:36,204 It's what gives a man hope, it's what gives his life meaning. 340 00:19:36,690 --> 00:19:41,896 Don't turn your back on love, Jake. I did, and I regret it everyday. 341 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:43,848 Really? 342 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,499 May god strike me down if I'm lying. 343 00:19:57,906 --> 00:20:00,756 Alright, game's over. Let's go. 344 00:20:00,853 --> 00:20:02,182 Where are we going? 345 00:20:02,506 --> 00:20:05,087 Might as well bail your dad out of jail. 346 00:20:07,942 --> 00:20:11,000 -Can we get something to eat first? -Sure, why not... 347 00:20:14,745 --> 00:20:18,041 How long before Kandi and her lawyer come back from Mexico? 348 00:20:19,431 --> 00:20:21,065 3 more days. 349 00:20:22,943 --> 00:20:25,879 Oh God... What are you feeding that dog? 350 00:20:25,899 --> 00:20:27,820 It's not the dog... 351 00:20:29,093 --> 00:20:32,198 It smells a little like... banana bread. 352 00:20:34,665 --> 00:20:36,841 Transcript/Sync: Porkepick 353 00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:39,478 Corrections: Bouliii http://z11.invisionfree.com/taahm 354 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 355 00:20:40,305 --> 00:21:40,301 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org