1 00:00:02,982 --> 00:00:08,486 "Joy to the world I'm getting laid" 2 00:00:08,736 --> 00:00:13,283 "I'm getting laid tonight" 3 00:00:14,992 --> 00:00:17,535 "We'll liqht the yule loq, deck the halls" 4 00:00:17,536 --> 00:00:21,105 "And then we'll play some jingle balls" 5 00:00:22,164 --> 00:00:24,804 "It's been a real long wait" 6 00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:28,004 "This is our second date" 7 00:00:30,797 --> 00:00:37,302 "It's Christmas Eve And I'm getting laid" 8 00:00:39,471 --> 00:00:42,223 Hey. I'm mixing up the eggnog. 9 00:00:42,224 --> 00:00:47,013 You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing? 10 00:00:47,353 --> 00:00:49,646 Let's see, we' re celebrating peace on earth... 11 00:00:49,647 --> 00:00:54,066 ...and goodwill towards all mankind, so let's get her plowed. 12 00:00:54,067 --> 00:00:56,567 Hallelujah. 13 00:00:56,945 --> 00:01:03,450 "Gloria" 14 00:01:04,034 --> 00:01:08,538 "Tonight I'm boinking Gloria" 15 00:01:35,736 --> 00:01:41,866 "Four call girls, Three French maids, two drunk twins" 16 00:01:42,074 --> 00:01:46,245 "And a lap dance in a pear tree" 17 00:01:46,996 --> 00:01:48,746 Ahh. 18 00:01:48,747 --> 00:01:53,292 - Merry Christmas, Uncle Charlie. - Oh, right, the other part of Christmas. 19 00:01:53,293 --> 00:01:56,002 - Go ahead, open it. - Uh, hold on. 20 00:01:56,003 --> 00:01:57,795 Let me give you your gift first. 21 00:01:57,796 --> 00:02:01,256 Don't want you to think I forgot you. 22 00:02:04,010 --> 00:02:06,053 A hundred bucks? Wow! 23 00:02:06,054 --> 00:02:08,554 Picked it out myself. 24 00:02:08,848 --> 00:02:11,140 Now open yours. 25 00:02:11,141 --> 00:02:13,142 Okay. Ahem. 26 00:02:13,143 --> 00:02:15,643 This is kind of exciting. 27 00:02:19,482 --> 00:02:21,984 "Fart in a can"? 28 00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:26,336 You don't have one, do you? 29 00:02:27,155 --> 00:02:29,364 Well, I've got you. 30 00:02:29,365 --> 00:02:31,954 But this is good for travel. 31 00:02:32,659 --> 00:02:35,786 Jake, I just talked to your mom. She's gonna be here any minute. 32 00:02:35,787 --> 00:02:39,831 Don't look at Uncle Charlie's gift, you're getting the same thing. 33 00:02:39,832 --> 00:02:42,959 - Oh, boy, I'm excited. - Don't be. 34 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:46,004 Oh. Speaking of gifts... 35 00:02:46,212 --> 00:02:47,921 ...Merry Christmas. 36 00:02:47,922 --> 00:02:49,298 I'll leave it up to you. 37 00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:53,108 Open it tomorrow morning at your mom's... 38 00:02:53,802 --> 00:02:58,055 ...or you can rip it open with your teeth like a rabid jackal. 39 00:02:58,056 --> 00:03:02,184 - You got me the new Nintendo? - It's from Uncle Charlie too. 40 00:03:02,185 --> 00:03:04,685 You owe me $125. 41 00:03:05,438 --> 00:03:08,689 - But I just- - Oh, this is so cool. Thanks, Dad. 42 00:03:08,690 --> 00:03:12,526 - Thanks, Uncle Charlie. - Yeah, yeah, Merry Christmas. 43 00:03:12,527 --> 00:03:15,194 - I'm gonna go hook it up. - No, no, no. You're leaving. 44 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:18,105 Your Uncle Charlie's hooking up. 45 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,075 - You're leaving too, right? - Yes, relax. 46 00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:25,203 I plan on spending Christmas Eve at a movie theater by myself... 47 00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:27,497 ...just so you can have sex tonight. 48 00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:29,040 You can have sex too. 49 00:03:29,041 --> 00:03:32,111 Just pick the right movie theater. 50 00:03:33,211 --> 00:03:35,379 Jake, time to go. 51 00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:40,459 Take some paper towels and don't wear your suede shoes. 52 00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:44,677 Ho-ho-ho. 53 00:03:44,679 --> 00:03:47,179 That's another option. 54 00:03:48,892 --> 00:03:50,683 Merry Christmas. 55 00:03:50,684 --> 00:03:52,518 Merry Christmas. Come on in. 56 00:03:52,519 --> 00:03:56,772 - Hey, Merry Christmas, Charlie. - Yeah, swell. I'll go get the kid. 57 00:03:56,773 --> 00:03:58,565 Ooh, eggnog. 58 00:03:58,566 --> 00:04:01,776 We've got a long drive. We're spending the holidays in San Diego... 59 00:04:01,777 --> 00:04:04,404 - ...with my parents. - That's why I need eggnog. 60 00:04:04,405 --> 00:04:07,114 Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents. 61 00:04:07,115 --> 00:04:10,242 Oh? Oh, really? Your mom's out of rehab? 62 00:04:10,243 --> 00:04:11,910 Yes, my mom's out of rehab. 63 00:04:11,911 --> 00:04:15,430 Actually, she kind of jumped the fence. 64 00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:19,208 The woman's gonna be your mother-in-law. Get used to it. 65 00:04:19,209 --> 00:04:24,713 Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower? 66 00:04:24,714 --> 00:04:30,134 On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol. 67 00:04:30,135 --> 00:04:32,970 Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out. 68 00:04:32,971 --> 00:04:35,639 That's a life lesson, Jake. 69 00:04:36,515 --> 00:04:39,935 Come on, your mom's here. Vamoose. 70 00:04:41,061 --> 00:04:43,770 Okay. Table's set on the deck... 71 00:04:43,771 --> 00:04:45,605 - ...and dinner's in the oven. - Great. 72 00:04:45,606 --> 00:04:47,774 Keep the candles away from the eggnog. 73 00:04:47,775 --> 00:04:50,067 Got it. 74 00:04:50,068 --> 00:04:52,528 All right, then, I'm leaving now. 75 00:04:52,529 --> 00:04:55,114 - Goodbye and thanks. - Yeah, Merry Christmas. 76 00:04:55,115 --> 00:04:56,739 - Merry Christmas. - All the best. 77 00:04:56,740 --> 00:04:59,240 Same to you. 78 00:05:01,537 --> 00:05:04,446 Give me my bonus, you blockhead. 79 00:05:05,832 --> 00:05:08,332 Oh, right. 80 00:05:09,085 --> 00:05:12,124 Thank you for all your hard work. 81 00:05:17,134 --> 00:05:20,173 I couldn't get along without you. 82 00:05:24,014 --> 00:05:26,513 You're one in a million. 83 00:05:29,352 --> 00:05:31,145 Really? 84 00:05:31,146 --> 00:05:33,645 What would Jesus do? 85 00:05:38,443 --> 00:05:40,777 - Herb? - Oh, no, thanks, I'm driving. 86 00:05:40,778 --> 00:05:44,281 - I'll have some. - No, you won't. It's for grownups. 87 00:05:44,282 --> 00:05:47,157 - I'll have another. - Sweetie, my parents are waiting. 88 00:05:47,158 --> 00:05:49,658 I know, dear. 89 00:05:50,328 --> 00:05:54,163 Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? 90 00:05:54,164 --> 00:05:59,795 Okay, Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodbye. 91 00:06:00,295 --> 00:06:05,465 Hang on, I got a long bus ride and I don't wanna sober up halfway home. 92 00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,092 Hello? 93 00:06:07,093 --> 00:06:09,468 Kandi? What are you doing here? 94 00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:13,472 I didn't wanna be alone on Christmas Eve. I didn't know where else to go. 95 00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:14,890 Where's your new boyfriend? 96 00:06:14,891 --> 00:06:17,350 He decided to spend Christmas with his family. 97 00:06:17,351 --> 00:06:18,851 Why didn't he bring you along? 98 00:06:18,852 --> 00:06:23,221 He thought it would make his wife uncomfortable. 99 00:06:23,523 --> 00:06:25,691 Oh. Sweetie, come on in. 100 00:06:25,692 --> 00:06:28,026 Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've got company coming, remember? 101 00:06:28,027 --> 00:06:31,946 - I can't just throw her out. - How do you know if you don't try? 102 00:06:31,947 --> 00:06:34,573 - Lighten up. It's Christmas. - Okay. 103 00:06:34,574 --> 00:06:39,383 Two minutes and then I bring out the fart in a can. 104 00:06:40,579 --> 00:06:43,373 - You remember Judith. - Hi, Judith. 105 00:06:43,374 --> 00:06:45,999 - Hello. - And this is her fiancé, Herb. 106 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,835 - Hi, Herb. - Hi. 107 00:06:47,836 --> 00:06:50,426 Here, let me take your coat. 108 00:06:53,215 --> 00:06:55,715 Oh, my golly. 109 00:06:57,261 --> 00:07:01,179 - Well, I guess we should get going. - What's the hurry? 110 00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:02,889 Your parents are waiting, remember? 111 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:06,850 What do you care? They don't like you anyway. 112 00:07:06,851 --> 00:07:08,060 Eggnog? 113 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,229 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 114 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,939 I'm a doctor. 115 00:07:11,940 --> 00:07:14,439 A real one or like Alan? 116 00:07:15,859 --> 00:07:17,068 I'm a pediatrician. 117 00:07:17,069 --> 00:07:19,569 Wow. So you're into feet? 118 00:07:20,238 --> 00:07:23,628 - No, children. - Isn't that illegal? 119 00:07:25,409 --> 00:07:27,785 Berta, don't you have a bus to catch? 120 00:07:27,786 --> 00:07:30,826 And miss this show? Are you nuts? 121 00:07:31,248 --> 00:07:33,748 Feliz Navidad, everyone. 122 00:07:34,251 --> 00:07:36,970 I didn't see that one coming. 123 00:07:37,753 --> 00:07:40,421 - Mom, what are you doing here? - I was on my way to a party. 124 00:07:40,422 --> 00:07:46,009 Thought I'd drop off gifts so I don't have to come tomorrow and mess up my day. 125 00:07:46,010 --> 00:07:48,510 - Charlie? - Uh, Rose. 126 00:07:48,763 --> 00:07:51,764 How could you have a Christmas party and not invite me? 127 00:07:51,765 --> 00:07:54,934 - This isn't a Christmas party. - Well, what do you call it? 128 00:07:54,935 --> 00:07:57,644 The beginning of a news story that ends with the phrase: 129 00:07:57,645 --> 00:08:00,925 "He then turned the gun on himself." 130 00:08:01,357 --> 00:08:04,691 All right, all right, everybody, listen up, listen to me. 131 00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:06,568 There is no party. 132 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:09,696 You have to leave now because a beautiful woman is coming over. 133 00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:12,782 And I intend to get her drunk and have sex with her. 134 00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:15,283 That's a good plan. 135 00:08:15,911 --> 00:08:18,955 Except I'm already drunk. 136 00:08:20,957 --> 00:08:24,497 Boy, I can't wait till the second act. 137 00:08:29,672 --> 00:08:33,967 Here we go. More fuel for the fire. 138 00:08:34,134 --> 00:08:35,676 You said you were going home. 139 00:08:35,677 --> 00:08:38,805 That's was before I knew you were having a party. 140 00:08:38,806 --> 00:08:40,806 This isn't a party. 141 00:08:40,807 --> 00:08:45,143 It's just a bunch of people I don't like, standing around, drinking my booze. 142 00:08:45,144 --> 00:08:48,683 Oh, crap, it is a party. Give me that. 143 00:08:52,817 --> 00:08:57,528 - I'd love to know what they're saying. - I could tell you. I read lips. 144 00:08:57,529 --> 00:08:59,989 - Really? - Yep. 145 00:08:59,990 --> 00:09:02,739 Right now your date is saying: 146 00:09:03,117 --> 00:09:06,996 "The wily ostrich sank my boat." 147 00:09:09,706 --> 00:09:14,168 I have a little congestion in my upper chest. Can you take a look at it? 148 00:09:14,169 --> 00:09:17,003 - Oh, well, I could- - Kandi, he's a pediatrician. 149 00:09:17,004 --> 00:09:19,881 - He only treats children. - Now, hold on. 150 00:09:19,882 --> 00:09:22,425 There's no actual age limit. 151 00:09:22,426 --> 00:09:26,803 I took an oath to ease suffering wherever I find it. 152 00:09:26,804 --> 00:09:29,304 Alan, a word. 153 00:09:29,349 --> 00:09:31,848 Oh, good, "a word." 154 00:09:33,393 --> 00:09:40,392 I don't have my stethoscope, so why don't you just breathe in and out for me? 155 00:09:41,525 --> 00:09:43,234 Make this stop. 156 00:09:43,235 --> 00:09:46,403 I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. 157 00:09:46,404 --> 00:09:50,240 Don't screw with me. Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancé. 158 00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:53,367 Gee, that's funny. The way I see it... 159 00:09:53,368 --> 00:09:56,537 ...your peanut butter is all over my chocolate. 160 00:09:56,538 --> 00:09:59,289 Damn it, Alan. I can make your life a living hell. 161 00:09:59,290 --> 00:10:02,042 How would I know the difference? 162 00:10:02,043 --> 00:10:04,543 Cough again. 163 00:10:05,546 --> 00:10:07,963 Once more. 164 00:10:07,964 --> 00:10:12,509 - Let's have a little powwow. - She might have a touch of the croup. 165 00:10:12,510 --> 00:10:14,677 - Listen, Herb- - So you were married to her? 166 00:10:14,678 --> 00:10:16,220 Yes, we were married. 167 00:10:16,221 --> 00:10:21,600 - Judith is getting really upset with you. - So you got to see her naked? 168 00:10:21,601 --> 00:10:25,020 Stay with me, Herb. Your fiancée is very angry. 169 00:10:25,021 --> 00:10:27,606 - Really? How come? - I don't know. 170 00:10:27,607 --> 00:10:31,066 Maybe it's because you were trying to use Kandi's nipple as a Q-Tip. 171 00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:33,567 It's okay. I'm a doctor. 172 00:10:34,196 --> 00:10:37,280 Just do yourself a favor. Go pay some attention to Judith. 173 00:10:37,281 --> 00:10:39,781 Oh, all right. 174 00:10:42,077 --> 00:10:43,410 Some party, huh? 175 00:10:43,411 --> 00:10:47,915 Yeah, I'm glad I didn't waste this buzz on the bus. 176 00:10:47,916 --> 00:10:51,375 Here comes your mom. Act like you didn't know what they were saying. 177 00:10:51,376 --> 00:10:55,087 - Charlie, I must talk to you. - I know. Why is that? 178 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:58,089 How serious is your relationship with Gloria? 179 00:10:58,090 --> 00:11:00,967 Not that it's your business, but this is our second date. 180 00:11:00,968 --> 00:11:02,552 What happened on the first date? 181 00:11:02,553 --> 00:11:06,346 They went out to dinner, he took her home. They made out a bit in the car. 182 00:11:06,347 --> 00:11:09,141 Oh, I'm sorry. Did you wanna tell it? 183 00:11:09,142 --> 00:11:12,393 - So you haven't slept together? - Not yet. 184 00:11:12,394 --> 00:11:14,894 Oops. There I go again. 185 00:11:15,230 --> 00:11:19,316 That's good. Uh, darling, you need to end this relationship now. 186 00:11:19,317 --> 00:11:21,817 Why? 187 00:11:22,612 --> 00:11:25,780 - Do you trust me? - No. 188 00:11:26,239 --> 00:11:29,742 Okay, but you know I have your best interests at heart, don't you? 189 00:11:29,743 --> 00:11:31,952 No. 190 00:11:31,953 --> 00:11:34,537 All right, then, let me put it this way: 191 00:11:34,538 --> 00:11:37,707 I forbid you to see this woman anymore. 192 00:11:37,708 --> 00:11:39,459 You forbid? 193 00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:42,085 What gives you the right to forbid? I'm 39 years old. 194 00:11:42,086 --> 00:11:46,465 I'm your mother, you're 40, and you must not see this woman anymore. 195 00:11:46,466 --> 00:11:48,924 Mom, you know that just makes me want her more. 196 00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:52,469 - Charlie, I mean it. - I'm getting hotter. 197 00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:58,766 Look, I know certain things about Gloria's past which are, well, unsavory. 198 00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:01,267 Okay, I'm going supernova. 199 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,645 Would you listen to me? 200 00:12:03,646 --> 00:12:06,481 If you continue to see this woman... 201 00:12:06,482 --> 00:12:08,982 ...it will hurt me, deeply. 202 00:12:09,318 --> 00:12:11,193 I may have to marry this girl. 203 00:12:11,194 --> 00:12:12,611 Okay, okay. 204 00:12:12,612 --> 00:12:14,613 You give me no choice. 205 00:12:14,614 --> 00:12:20,326 - Who are you calling? - It's probably about the ostrich and boat. 206 00:12:20,327 --> 00:12:21,953 Charlie, I'm getting pretty drunk... 207 00:12:21,954 --> 00:12:26,123 ...so if you like a girl who moves, you better do me soon. 208 00:12:26,124 --> 00:12:28,624 Follow me. 209 00:12:28,668 --> 00:12:31,043 Aw, isn't that sweet? 210 00:12:31,044 --> 00:12:35,644 Every time a guy has sex, an angel gets a stiffy. 211 00:12:36,717 --> 00:12:39,009 Will you look at them? 212 00:12:39,010 --> 00:12:42,850 Oh, I completely forgot about the subplot. 213 00:12:43,389 --> 00:12:46,807 What do you want me to do? He's your man. You want him? Fight for him. 214 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,308 How can I compete with that? 215 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,477 There's no competition. Herb loves you. 216 00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:54,147 You have a mature, sophisticated relationship based on mutual respect. 217 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:56,648 All Kandi has is- 218 00:12:58,026 --> 00:12:59,360 There'll be other men. 219 00:12:59,361 --> 00:13:03,510 All right, just get here as soon as you can. 220 00:13:04,323 --> 00:13:06,074 Where's Charlie? 221 00:13:06,075 --> 00:13:08,159 Oh, damn it. 222 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:09,702 Oh, I get it. 223 00:13:09,703 --> 00:13:14,497 It's like Tony and Tina's Wedding. You gotta follow them around. 224 00:13:14,498 --> 00:13:17,625 - Hey, Mommy-o, Daddy-o. - Hi, buddy. 225 00:13:17,626 --> 00:13:22,880 Mommy-o, Daddy-o, Daddy-o, Mommy-o, Mommy-o, Daddy-o. 226 00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:27,216 Stop! 227 00:13:27,552 --> 00:13:31,262 - Mom. - Get out of that bed this instant. 228 00:13:31,263 --> 00:13:33,764 Oh, I don't think that's a good idea. 229 00:13:33,765 --> 00:13:35,516 Charlie, I'm warning you. 230 00:13:35,517 --> 00:13:38,852 You can't tell him what to do, he's 34 years old. 231 00:13:38,853 --> 00:13:42,022 - He's what? - She's drunk. 232 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:44,857 Mom, what are you doing here? 233 00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:47,860 I'm trying to keep you from making a horrible mistake. 234 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,653 What do you care? I make this mistake on a regular basis. 235 00:13:50,654 --> 00:13:52,280 Some might call it a lifestyle. 236 00:13:52,281 --> 00:13:54,365 - Charlie, I- - I don't wanna hear it. 237 00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:58,535 I came up here to do a job. Actually two jobs and a chore. 238 00:13:58,536 --> 00:14:02,998 Now, you can stay and watch, which I don't recommend, or you can leave. 239 00:14:02,999 --> 00:14:07,388 Either way, Gloria and I are going to have sex. 240 00:14:09,629 --> 00:14:12,128 Go ahead. 241 00:14:13,465 --> 00:14:15,965 Okay, I'm bluffing. 242 00:14:17,845 --> 00:14:20,344 He sure is. 243 00:14:35,776 --> 00:14:38,486 - Uh, have you seen Jake? - Nope. 244 00:14:38,487 --> 00:14:40,986 Huh. 245 00:14:47,745 --> 00:14:48,953 Jake? 246 00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:50,162 - Whoa! - Oh! 247 00:14:50,163 --> 00:14:52,289 Judith, what the hell are you doing? 248 00:14:52,290 --> 00:14:56,292 You told me to fight for my man, I'm fighting for my man. 249 00:14:56,293 --> 00:14:59,733 Alan, would you please close the door? 250 00:15:00,631 --> 00:15:02,714 Sorry. 251 00:15:02,715 --> 00:15:08,725 Twelve years of marriage, she never fought for me from that angle. 252 00:15:18,020 --> 00:15:19,813 - Kandi? - Yeah? 253 00:15:19,814 --> 00:15:22,434 - Take a break. - Okey-doke. 254 00:15:30,073 --> 00:15:33,832 - Hello. - Oh, my goodness, are you Alan? 255 00:15:33,992 --> 00:15:37,245 - Uh, yes. - I haven't seen you in 35 years. 256 00:15:37,246 --> 00:15:38,787 No kidding. 257 00:15:38,788 --> 00:15:40,789 Uh, I'm sorry, I don't remember you. 258 00:15:40,790 --> 00:15:45,627 I'm not surprised. At the time, you were busy learning to use the big-boy potty. 259 00:15:45,628 --> 00:15:47,628 Ah. Well... 260 00:15:47,629 --> 00:15:50,129 ...I did it. 261 00:15:51,132 --> 00:15:52,841 Good job. Ha, ha. 262 00:15:52,842 --> 00:15:56,761 Um, listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter. 263 00:15:56,762 --> 00:16:00,971 - Drunk blond? - Well, she isn't always blond. 264 00:16:03,059 --> 00:16:05,812 - Upstairs. - Ah. Thank you. 265 00:16:05,978 --> 00:16:07,770 You know... 266 00:16:07,771 --> 00:16:10,314 ...you turned out to be a very attractive man. 267 00:16:10,315 --> 00:16:13,442 - Oh, thank you. - Could have gone either way. 268 00:16:13,443 --> 00:16:16,272 Lucky you grew into those ears. 269 00:16:34,169 --> 00:16:37,212 Damn it, Charlie, you don't know what you're getting into here. 270 00:16:37,213 --> 00:16:39,839 Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea. 271 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:43,635 What could you tell me about Gloria that would get me kick her out of bed? 272 00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,427 She's married? Clinically insane? 273 00:16:45,428 --> 00:16:47,346 - She's a man? You're not a man? - Nope. 274 00:16:47,347 --> 00:16:49,181 Then we're good. 275 00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:52,058 - Gloria, get out of that bed. - Mom. 276 00:16:52,059 --> 00:16:53,893 "Mom"? 277 00:16:53,894 --> 00:16:56,187 - Well, did you tell them? - I tried, but I couldn't. 278 00:16:56,188 --> 00:16:58,022 - Why not? - What do you mean, why not? 279 00:16:58,023 --> 00:17:01,066 - Why do you think? - As usual, I have to do your dirty work. 280 00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:06,028 You can't sleep with him because he might be your brother. 281 00:17:06,029 --> 00:17:07,947 There, was that so hard? 282 00:17:07,948 --> 00:17:11,575 Ha. It's certainly not hard for someone who has no shame. 283 00:17:11,576 --> 00:17:13,910 Says the woman who killed my husband. 284 00:17:13,911 --> 00:17:15,411 I did not kill Sherman. 285 00:17:15,412 --> 00:17:19,374 - I made Sherman happy. - Excuse me. Excuse me, hold on. Hold on. 286 00:17:19,375 --> 00:17:22,751 Can we go back to the part where I may be her brother? 287 00:17:22,752 --> 00:17:25,921 Oh, dear Lord, has the blood not returned to your brain yet? 288 00:17:25,922 --> 00:17:29,215 It was the '70s. We were young, attractive couples. 289 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:33,052 And there was a gas shortage, so we had to entertain at home. 290 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,928 Wait, wait, wait. 291 00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:38,432 Are you saying you and her husband...? 292 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:43,061 Yes, and she and your father. So blame OPEC. 293 00:17:44,729 --> 00:17:46,813 It started with a weekly fondue party... 294 00:17:46,814 --> 00:17:51,523 ...but one night the dipping didn't stop at cheese. 295 00:17:52,069 --> 00:17:54,820 Unfortunately, some of us couldn't handle it. 296 00:17:54,821 --> 00:17:59,282 You did unspeakable things with Sherman and then he wanted to do them with me. 297 00:17:59,283 --> 00:18:02,327 Oh, nonsense. I just raised the bar a bit. 298 00:18:02,328 --> 00:18:05,329 Raised the bar? Do you have any idea how many Third World countries... 299 00:18:05,330 --> 00:18:08,790 ...he visited to find someone to do those things? 300 00:18:08,791 --> 00:18:11,959 He didn't have to go abroad, he was just looking for a bargain. 301 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:16,255 If it weren't for you, he would never have contracted amoebic dysentery and died. 302 00:18:16,256 --> 00:18:22,469 I hate to interrupt, but I'm still trying to process the "I'm her brother" thing. 303 00:18:22,470 --> 00:18:26,472 Mm. Not the shiniest penny in the roll, is he? 304 00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:29,516 Now, all right, I guess I'd better spell it out for you. 305 00:18:29,517 --> 00:18:31,643 Based on the amount of time that elapsed... 306 00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:35,229 ...between the last fondue party and Gloria's birth... 307 00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:39,733 ...not to mention the fact that Sherman lost interest in traditional sex with me- 308 00:18:39,734 --> 00:18:41,818 Thank you very much. 309 00:18:41,819 --> 00:18:47,156 - there is the very real possibility that your father may be her father. 310 00:18:47,157 --> 00:18:48,490 - Oh, my God. - Wow. 311 00:18:48,491 --> 00:18:52,828 So you can see why a tryst of this nature is completely unacceptable. 312 00:18:52,829 --> 00:18:55,622 It's not like we couldn't have foreseen this... 313 00:18:55,623 --> 00:18:58,666 ...given that your son has spent the bulk of his adult life... 314 00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:02,961 ...humping his way through the greater Los Angeles area. 315 00:19:02,962 --> 00:19:05,964 Oh, and like this booze-addled tart is an innocent victim. 316 00:19:05,965 --> 00:19:08,508 Hey, I'm drunk, not deaf. 317 00:19:09,009 --> 00:19:12,339 Just get out of bed and get dressed. 318 00:19:13,305 --> 00:19:15,513 Well, that was humiliating. 319 00:19:15,514 --> 00:19:18,641 Be glad we didn't have to tell them about our little experiment. 320 00:19:18,642 --> 00:19:21,895 - Don't remind me. - Oh, you loved it. 321 00:19:21,896 --> 00:19:24,689 Oh, a third-act twist. Ha. 322 00:19:26,232 --> 00:19:27,691 Wow. 323 00:19:27,692 --> 00:19:32,320 - Yeah. - I am so horny right now I can't believe it. 324 00:19:32,321 --> 00:19:34,821 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 325 00:19:35,073 --> 00:19:38,450 Did you miss what just went down here, sis? 326 00:19:38,451 --> 00:19:41,119 Oh, come on. It's not like we're gonna get married... 327 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:44,689 ...and have a bunch of web-footed kids. 328 00:19:44,914 --> 00:19:48,250 You have absolutely no boundaries, do you? 329 00:19:48,251 --> 00:19:51,545 Well, I don't like fat guys. 330 00:19:53,672 --> 00:19:55,923 Interesting. 331 00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:59,719 Turns out I draw the line at incest. 332 00:20:00,219 --> 00:20:02,805 So you'd do a fat guy? 333 00:20:04,390 --> 00:20:06,182 Did you hear that? 334 00:20:06,183 --> 00:20:08,142 Charlie found his boundary. 335 00:20:08,143 --> 00:20:09,518 It's a miracle. 336 00:20:09,519 --> 00:20:12,019 A Christmas miracle. 337 00:20:22,238 --> 00:20:26,450 Judith, can I just say that this was the best Christmas ever. 338 00:20:26,451 --> 00:20:28,993 Yeah, well, don't get used to it. 339 00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:32,621 'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house 340 00:20:32,622 --> 00:20:35,161 Not a creature was stirring- 341 00:20:39,503 --> 00:20:44,047 Okay, just so we' re clear, you' re only doing this to piss off my mom? 342 00:20:44,048 --> 00:20:45,674 Do you have a problem with that? 343 00:20:45,675 --> 00:20:48,175 No, that makes it better.