1 00:00:05,648 --> 00:00:08,147 Good morning, Charlie. 2 00:00:09,526 --> 00:00:12,025 Charlie? 3 00:00:18,116 --> 00:00:21,367 Good, I don't have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 4 00:00:21,368 --> 00:00:23,326 - Morning. - Morning. 5 00:00:23,327 --> 00:00:27,506 - He's sleeping? - Sure, let's call it sleep. 6 00:00:28,915 --> 00:00:35,023 Uncle Charlie, I'm gonna have a bowl of Maple Loops, you want one? 7 00:00:44,134 --> 00:00:45,551 Are you sure he's okay? 8 00:00:45,552 --> 00:00:48,429 I never said he was okay. 9 00:00:55,517 --> 00:00:57,685 Freaky. 10 00:00:57,686 --> 00:01:01,865 You really shouldn't see him like this, Jake. 11 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,318 There, now you can enjoy your breakfast. 12 00:01:10,319 --> 00:01:13,988 - What's wrong with him? - Oh, he's getting old, kiddo. 13 00:01:13,989 --> 00:01:16,615 I wish you could've seen him in his prime. 14 00:01:16,616 --> 00:01:18,324 He was like Babe Ruth. 15 00:01:18,325 --> 00:01:19,575 He played baseball? 16 00:01:19,576 --> 00:01:22,565 No, he was a drunken whoremonger. 17 00:01:23,162 --> 00:01:25,661 But there was none better. 18 00:01:27,124 --> 00:01:29,332 Oh, God, look what the cat dragged in. 19 00:01:29,333 --> 00:01:30,625 He didn't just drag it. 20 00:01:30,626 --> 00:01:34,877 He ate it, pooped it out and then covered it with sand. 21 00:01:34,878 --> 00:01:36,504 You know what would be funny? 22 00:01:36,505 --> 00:01:39,384 To paint a big mustache on him. 23 00:01:39,924 --> 00:01:42,843 That would be hilarious, but no. 24 00:01:44,010 --> 00:01:46,509 Charlie? 25 00:01:46,512 --> 00:01:48,388 Charlie? 26 00:01:48,389 --> 00:01:50,430 Yeah? 27 00:01:50,431 --> 00:01:52,140 Are you okay? 28 00:01:52,141 --> 00:01:53,975 Yeah. 29 00:01:53,976 --> 00:01:56,486 What time did you get home? 30 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,019 I'm home? 31 00:02:01,231 --> 00:02:03,691 You are. 32 00:02:03,692 --> 00:02:06,860 Oh, God, I'm blind. 33 00:02:12,364 --> 00:02:14,864 It's a miracle. 34 00:02:41,885 --> 00:02:43,803 Okay, see you tomorrow. 35 00:02:43,804 --> 00:02:45,970 Good night, Berta. 36 00:02:45,971 --> 00:02:48,470 Hey. 37 00:02:51,059 --> 00:02:53,184 Look who's finally up. 38 00:02:53,185 --> 00:02:55,310 How'd you sleep? 39 00:02:55,311 --> 00:02:57,687 Okay, I guess. 40 00:02:57,688 --> 00:03:00,187 Good, I'm glad. 41 00:03:03,192 --> 00:03:06,291 - Oh. Tater Tots. - Help yourself. 42 00:03:08,905 --> 00:03:11,197 - Jake, I said no. - I didn't do it. 43 00:03:11,198 --> 00:03:13,697 He didn't. 44 00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:37,391 What are you staring at? 45 00:03:37,392 --> 00:03:39,891 Nothing, seņor. 46 00:03:41,603 --> 00:03:44,021 So how are you feeling? 47 00:03:44,022 --> 00:03:46,691 That depends. What day is it? 48 00:03:47,774 --> 00:03:48,983 Saturday. 49 00:03:48,984 --> 00:03:52,360 Oh. Well, in that case, I feel great. 50 00:03:52,361 --> 00:03:53,569 Why in that case? 51 00:03:53,570 --> 00:03:56,780 If it was Thursday, I'd be a little worried. 52 00:03:56,781 --> 00:03:59,240 I don't know, you've been pushing it hard lately. 53 00:03:59,241 --> 00:04:01,491 - What do you mean? - You're not a kid anymore. 54 00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:02,784 Oh, please. 55 00:04:02,785 --> 00:04:05,924 I'm in the best shape of my life. 56 00:04:11,375 --> 00:04:14,126 Oh, that doesn't belong inside of me. 57 00:04:14,127 --> 00:04:17,876 It takes a lot to gross me out, but wow. 58 00:04:18,755 --> 00:04:21,631 Get your stuff together. I'll bring you back to your mom's. 59 00:04:21,632 --> 00:04:23,006 Let me tell you something. 60 00:04:23,007 --> 00:04:27,076 You're only as young as the women you feel. 61 00:04:27,302 --> 00:04:30,871 And lately, I've been feeling about 24. 62 00:04:31,264 --> 00:04:32,973 - Twenty-four? - Yup. 63 00:04:32,974 --> 00:04:35,683 She doesn't think I'm old. She thinks I'm cute and fun. 64 00:04:35,684 --> 00:04:37,559 - And rich. - Yeah, the rich helps. 65 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,060 I'm not that cute. 66 00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:46,150 Okay, fine. I understand the allure, the nectar of the young berry. 67 00:04:46,358 --> 00:04:49,234 I know what happens burning a candle at both ends. 68 00:04:49,235 --> 00:04:50,443 How would you know that? 69 00:04:50,444 --> 00:04:53,654 Did you take a candle-making class at the Learning Annex? 70 00:04:53,655 --> 00:04:56,280 Hey, I have done my share of walking on the wild side. 71 00:04:56,281 --> 00:04:58,282 The wild side? 72 00:04:58,283 --> 00:05:00,782 Okay, the rambunctious side. 73 00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:05,079 There comes a time in a man's life when he has to start accepting his limitations. 74 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:08,623 Yeah, well, my point is, the day you start accepting limitations... 75 00:05:08,624 --> 00:05:11,373 ...is the day you start dying. 76 00:05:11,709 --> 00:05:17,497 And I'm not dying, my friend, I am living life to the fullest. 77 00:05:17,630 --> 00:05:23,599 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap. 78 00:05:27,137 --> 00:05:29,636 That was fun. 79 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:33,683 - Yeah. - How long until you're ready to go again? 80 00:05:33,684 --> 00:05:35,809 You mean, tonight? 81 00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:37,310 Oh, yeah, I forgot. 82 00:05:37,311 --> 00:05:38,770 You're old. 83 00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:41,188 Hey, hey, hey, I'm not old. 84 00:05:41,189 --> 00:05:44,148 I'm just not a yogurt dispenser. 85 00:05:44,274 --> 00:05:46,858 You're almost as old as my dad. 86 00:05:46,859 --> 00:05:50,986 All right, listen, if you're looking to go again, that's not the way to get there. 87 00:05:50,987 --> 00:05:53,280 Aw. Did I hurt your feelings? 88 00:05:53,281 --> 00:05:55,198 No, no, you didn't hurt my feelings. 89 00:05:55,199 --> 00:05:59,201 It's just there are certain biological factors you have to take into account- 90 00:05:59,202 --> 00:06:01,701 Yeah, my dad takes Viagra. 91 00:06:02,955 --> 00:06:05,454 Good for him. 92 00:06:05,873 --> 00:06:09,792 All I'm saying is, we could do something else for a while and come back to this. 93 00:06:09,793 --> 00:06:12,502 - Great. Let's go to a club. - Now? 94 00:06:12,503 --> 00:06:14,003 It's 11:00. 95 00:06:14,004 --> 00:06:16,503 So we'll get there early. 96 00:06:17,006 --> 00:06:19,465 Actually I was thinking more along the lines... 97 00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:24,094 ...of making some toaster pizzas and watching The Daily Show. 98 00:06:24,095 --> 00:06:26,594 - Oh. - What? 99 00:06:26,805 --> 00:06:28,388 I'm bored. 100 00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:32,099 If we're not gonna have sex, you know, I wanna go out. 101 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,642 Okay, tell you what... 102 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:38,062 ...why don't you go out and, you know, boogie oogie oogie? 103 00:06:38,063 --> 00:06:41,356 And when you come back, wake me up and we'll have sex. 104 00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:43,316 That's a lame idea, Charlie. 105 00:06:43,317 --> 00:06:45,817 Okay, you can skip the waking-me-up part. 106 00:06:45,818 --> 00:06:48,778 - I'm just gonna go call some friends. - No, no, no, wait. 107 00:06:48,779 --> 00:06:50,363 Come here. Come here. 108 00:06:50,364 --> 00:06:52,322 I think I'm ready to go again. 109 00:06:52,323 --> 00:06:54,823 - Really? - Really. 110 00:07:01,830 --> 00:07:04,789 I got nothing. Let's go dancing. 111 00:07:06,333 --> 00:07:11,294 Yeah, I'm coming with the guy I told you about. The old guy. 112 00:07:11,295 --> 00:07:16,256 I don't know. I think he's got a little brother who's old too. 113 00:07:16,257 --> 00:07:19,008 I'll ask him. Great, we'll see you there. 114 00:07:19,009 --> 00:07:21,092 Think your brother would wanna come? 115 00:07:21,093 --> 00:07:23,219 Alan? No, he's not the type. 116 00:07:23,220 --> 00:07:25,512 He'd be miserable going to a club at this hour. 117 00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:28,073 Wait here. I'll go get him. 118 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,310 - Hey. - Oh, you just missed it. 119 00:07:33,311 --> 00:07:37,271 Jon Stewart made a very clever joke about the budget deficit. 120 00:07:37,272 --> 00:07:40,106 Swell. Get dressed. We're going dancing. 121 00:07:40,107 --> 00:07:42,233 Yeah, right. Toaster pizza? 122 00:07:42,234 --> 00:07:44,733 No. Come on. Let's go. 123 00:07:44,861 --> 00:07:46,486 - Are you serious? - Yes. 124 00:07:46,487 --> 00:07:50,197 But it's after 11 and I'm all tucked in. 125 00:07:50,198 --> 00:07:54,116 - Too bad. - I'm drinking Nighty-Night tea. 126 00:07:54,117 --> 00:07:57,827 Come on. Robin wants to go dancing and I'm gonna need a designated driver. 127 00:07:57,828 --> 00:07:59,787 Hey, just because you're being a fool 128 00:07:59,788 --> 00:08:01,580 trying to keep up with a 24-year-old girl... 129 00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:04,832 - ...doesn't mean I have to join you. - She has a 24-year-old friend. 130 00:08:04,833 --> 00:08:08,192 Is it dressy-dressy or dressy-casual? 131 00:08:13,298 --> 00:08:16,716 Just take it. Maybe it'll loosen you up. 132 00:08:16,717 --> 00:08:17,925 I don't think so. 133 00:08:17,926 --> 00:08:22,053 Recent studies indicate that Ecstasy may well deplete your spinal fluid. 134 00:08:22,054 --> 00:08:24,054 Yeah, so? 135 00:08:24,055 --> 00:08:27,098 So? Young lady, I am a chiropractor. 136 00:08:27,099 --> 00:08:29,559 Whoo. 137 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,978 You know what? My date isn't working out. 138 00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:36,272 Maybe you'd get somewhere if you didn't talk to her like her father. 139 00:08:36,273 --> 00:08:41,358 Well, somebody has to because her real father has obviously dropped the ball. 140 00:08:41,359 --> 00:08:43,610 Oh, wonderful, a smoker. 141 00:08:43,611 --> 00:08:50,609 So I guess you're counting on stem-cell research to replace your spine and lungs. 142 00:08:50,825 --> 00:08:53,284 Alan, Alan, you're embarrassing me. 143 00:08:53,285 --> 00:08:55,453 Oh, I'm embarrassing you? Look at yourself. 144 00:08:55,454 --> 00:08:59,371 You're standing in line in a dank alley in the middle of the Urine District. 145 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,040 Hey, hey, hey, this is the hippest club in town. 146 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:06,350 Oh, hip, schmip. It's a toilet with a doorman. 147 00:09:07,253 --> 00:09:09,753 Somebody lit a doobie. 148 00:09:10,589 --> 00:09:14,716 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. That is definitely the ganja. 149 00:09:14,717 --> 00:09:17,135 Oh, great, now we're all gonna get busted. 150 00:09:17,136 --> 00:09:20,137 Will you just relax and let yourself have some fun? 151 00:09:20,138 --> 00:09:21,679 Oh, this is fun for you? 152 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,764 Exhaust fumes and reefer smoke? 153 00:09:23,765 --> 00:09:25,849 Let me tell you something. I am not a kid. 154 00:09:25,850 --> 00:09:29,351 I need plenty of rest, exercise and a high-fiber diet and- 155 00:09:29,352 --> 00:09:33,001 Oh, perfect, I just stepped on a condom. 156 00:09:33,230 --> 00:09:35,739 Go ahead. Have a good time. 157 00:09:35,940 --> 00:09:38,690 - Hold it. - We're with them. 158 00:09:38,818 --> 00:09:41,068 - I don't think so. - Oh, no, no. We are. 159 00:09:41,069 --> 00:09:43,903 Truth be told, I don't see a long-term relationship in the offing. 160 00:09:43,904 --> 00:09:45,321 You understand. 161 00:09:45,322 --> 00:09:47,821 Don't touch the rope. 162 00:09:47,991 --> 00:09:49,283 Sorry. 163 00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:52,660 I didn't realize you were king of the rope. 164 00:09:52,661 --> 00:09:54,244 Shut up, Alan. 165 00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:56,496 You're not on the list, you're not getting in. 166 00:09:56,497 --> 00:09:58,080 - You let the girls in. - Alan- 167 00:09:58,081 --> 00:09:59,748 He let the girls in. 168 00:09:59,749 --> 00:10:02,709 That's because pretty girls dress up the place. 169 00:10:02,710 --> 00:10:05,209 Watch how this works. 170 00:10:05,294 --> 00:10:09,923 Listen, why don't you check your list for Jackson? 171 00:10:10,006 --> 00:10:12,505 Andrew Jackson. 172 00:10:14,385 --> 00:10:17,512 Nope. Got Tito and La Toya. 173 00:10:19,513 --> 00:10:21,472 Okay. 174 00:10:21,473 --> 00:10:24,272 What if I change my name to... 175 00:10:25,852 --> 00:10:27,977 ...Ulysses S. Grant? 176 00:10:27,978 --> 00:10:31,688 You could change your name to Condoleezza Rice. 177 00:10:31,689 --> 00:10:36,275 If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in. 178 00:10:36,276 --> 00:10:40,069 All right, look, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I'm Charlie Harper. 179 00:10:40,070 --> 00:10:42,569 I'm in the music business. 180 00:10:42,655 --> 00:10:45,484 I wrote the Maple Loops jingle. 181 00:10:46,074 --> 00:10:48,200 Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets? 182 00:10:48,201 --> 00:10:50,201 - Oh, I love those cookies. - Great. 183 00:10:50,202 --> 00:10:51,869 - You got any on you? - No. 184 00:10:51,870 --> 00:10:54,037 Beat it. 185 00:10:54,038 --> 00:10:57,081 Charlie, Charlie, let me handle this. 186 00:10:57,082 --> 00:10:59,581 Sir... 187 00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:03,208 ...I am Matthew Broderick. 188 00:11:03,545 --> 00:11:05,295 Who? 189 00:11:05,296 --> 00:11:07,296 Bruno, they're with me. 190 00:11:07,297 --> 00:11:10,507 Are you sure? This is a good chance to cut them loose. 191 00:11:10,508 --> 00:11:13,008 Guys, come on. 192 00:11:17,888 --> 00:11:23,527 Matthew Broderick is a gifted actor and the toast of Broadway. 193 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,272 Oh, for God's sake, will you stop complaining? 194 00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:33,607 Well, I'm sorry, but the music in that club was so loud... 195 00:11:33,608 --> 00:11:36,227 ...my ears are still ringing. 196 00:11:38,821 --> 00:11:45,819 You know what that sound is? That is the sound of the hairs in my ear dying. 197 00:11:46,076 --> 00:11:48,284 I am talking permanent hearing loss, Charlie. 198 00:11:48,285 --> 00:11:51,484 Those little hairs don't grow back. 199 00:11:51,913 --> 00:11:54,662 Oh, wait. Let's see something. 200 00:12:00,127 --> 00:12:02,796 C- sharp. 201 00:12:02,962 --> 00:12:07,171 C- sharp is the sound of encroaching deafness. 202 00:12:07,341 --> 00:12:09,591 Listen to you. You're like an old man. 203 00:12:09,592 --> 00:12:13,021 I can't listen to me. All I hear is: 204 00:12:15,263 --> 00:12:17,722 Worst night of my life. 205 00:12:17,723 --> 00:12:20,516 You're just ticked off because you couldn't keep up. 206 00:12:20,517 --> 00:12:21,725 I couldn't keep up? 207 00:12:21,726 --> 00:12:23,726 I was out on the dance floor with the girls... 208 00:12:23,727 --> 00:12:25,853 ...while you were sleeping in the booth. 209 00:12:25,854 --> 00:12:27,646 I wasn't sleeping. 210 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:33,886 I was closing my eyes because I couldn't bear to watch you do this: 211 00:12:35,611 --> 00:12:38,110 I was voguing. 212 00:12:38,821 --> 00:12:41,321 You were napping. 213 00:12:41,324 --> 00:12:43,574 Nobody vogues anymore, Alan. 214 00:12:43,575 --> 00:12:48,394 And guess what, nobody does the robot anymore either. 215 00:12:49,162 --> 00:12:51,789 Oh, yeah? Then why did it catch on with the others? 216 00:12:51,790 --> 00:12:56,041 It didn't catch on. They were openly mocking you. 217 00:12:56,042 --> 00:12:57,375 What do you want from me? 218 00:12:57,376 --> 00:12:59,877 I went to the club. I went to the after-hours club. 219 00:12:59,878 --> 00:13:01,170 I went out to breakfast. 220 00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:05,590 I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot. 221 00:13:05,591 --> 00:13:08,050 If you weren't whining about wanting to go home... 222 00:13:08,051 --> 00:13:10,260 ...you'd be having sex with her right now. 223 00:13:10,261 --> 00:13:16,059 Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing secondhand pancakes? 224 00:13:16,265 --> 00:13:18,265 And I have to go to work. 225 00:13:18,266 --> 00:13:21,434 You know what? You are a fuddy-duddy. 226 00:13:21,435 --> 00:13:23,436 I'm-? I'm a fuddy-duddy? 227 00:13:23,437 --> 00:13:27,246 Hey, if the orthopedic shoe fits, wear it. 228 00:13:27,398 --> 00:13:28,689 They are not orthopedic. 229 00:13:28,690 --> 00:13:33,651 They merely have a reinforced arch for the active lifestyle. 230 00:13:33,652 --> 00:13:35,361 And you were napping. 231 00:13:35,362 --> 00:13:37,613 Okay, maybe I needed a little shuteye. 232 00:13:37,614 --> 00:13:41,407 But that's only because I had vigorous sex earlier. 233 00:13:41,408 --> 00:13:44,784 Oh, let's face it. We're both too old for the MTV lifestyle. 234 00:13:44,785 --> 00:13:47,871 MTV? Did they just defrost you? 235 00:13:49,789 --> 00:13:53,499 Okay. MTV, VH1, whatever the kids are watching. 236 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:57,044 My point is, I am comfortable acting my age... 237 00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,794 ...while you are in deep denial. 238 00:13:58,795 --> 00:14:01,713 Hey, hey, I am not in denial about anything. 239 00:14:01,714 --> 00:14:06,943 I am a young, vibrant man in the prime of my life. I'm- 240 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,055 What? 241 00:14:14,056 --> 00:14:16,675 Young people have phlegm too. 242 00:14:17,225 --> 00:14:18,684 Sure. 243 00:14:18,685 --> 00:14:21,184 Anyway, as I was- 244 00:14:23,438 --> 00:14:25,564 Oh, God. 245 00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:27,356 What's the matter? 246 00:14:27,357 --> 00:14:28,941 My chest. 247 00:14:28,942 --> 00:14:31,276 Are you okay? 248 00:14:31,277 --> 00:14:33,486 I don't know. 249 00:14:33,487 --> 00:14:35,986 - Hey, Alan? - Yeah. 250 00:14:36,740 --> 00:14:40,889 Do you think it's too late to start jogging? 251 00:14:41,909 --> 00:14:45,661 Damn it, what kind of hospital is this? Where the hell are the doctors? 252 00:14:45,662 --> 00:14:47,079 That's my brother in there. 253 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:49,579 If he dies, I'm homeless. 254 00:14:55,211 --> 00:14:57,710 Uh, everything's fine. 255 00:14:57,713 --> 00:15:01,047 Uh, they're just gonna run some tests. Not to worry. 256 00:15:01,048 --> 00:15:03,547 Easy for you to say. 257 00:15:03,591 --> 00:15:05,426 Listen, Alan. 258 00:15:05,427 --> 00:15:08,219 If I don't make it, you need to know about my will. 259 00:15:08,220 --> 00:15:13,265 Hey, I don't wanna hear that kind of talk. You're gonna make it. 260 00:15:13,266 --> 00:15:16,835 But go on. Finish what you were saying. 261 00:15:17,561 --> 00:15:21,020 First of all, I left the house to you and Jake. 262 00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:23,520 Yes! 263 00:15:25,607 --> 00:15:28,107 You're gonna make it. 264 00:15:29,652 --> 00:15:32,611 Just so you know, there's two mortgages on it... 265 00:15:32,612 --> 00:15:36,698 ...and the property taxes are $50,000 a year. 266 00:15:36,699 --> 00:15:39,199 Uh, 50,000? 267 00:15:42,453 --> 00:15:44,952 Uh, excuse me. 268 00:15:47,832 --> 00:15:52,376 Do you gotta flatline to get a little help around here? 269 00:15:52,377 --> 00:15:57,672 Do you gotta move to Canada to get some decent medical care? 270 00:15:57,673 --> 00:16:00,132 Uh, they'll be right here. 271 00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:02,926 So 50 grand, huh? 272 00:16:03,343 --> 00:16:06,970 Boy, I don't know how I could afford that. 273 00:16:06,971 --> 00:16:09,137 You know, unless I came into some money. 274 00:16:09,138 --> 00:16:12,224 You know, an inheritance or something. 275 00:16:12,225 --> 00:16:14,058 There's no money, Alan. 276 00:16:14,059 --> 00:16:15,268 None? 277 00:16:15,269 --> 00:16:18,518 The whole thing's a house of cards. 278 00:16:19,397 --> 00:16:21,896 Huh. 279 00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:28,944 Okay, I did not wanna have to do this... 280 00:16:28,945 --> 00:16:31,644 ...but I am Matthew Broderick. 281 00:16:31,905 --> 00:16:34,073 And that is my brother lying there. 282 00:16:34,074 --> 00:16:36,324 I am so sorry, Mr. Broderick. 283 00:16:36,325 --> 00:16:40,119 - I loved you in The Producers. - Thank you. 284 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:43,209 Okay, let's have a look-see, huh? 285 00:16:44,748 --> 00:16:50,793 According to your tests, you just had an acute attack of indigestion. 286 00:16:50,794 --> 00:16:52,752 - It was gas? - Yes. A big bubble. 287 00:16:52,753 --> 00:16:55,338 About the size of a pomegranate. 288 00:16:55,339 --> 00:16:57,547 What have you had to eat recently? 289 00:16:57,548 --> 00:16:58,757 Nothing much. 290 00:16:58,758 --> 00:17:01,884 He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls... 291 00:17:01,885 --> 00:17:05,136 ...a quart of Scotch and the tongue of a 24-year-old actress. 292 00:17:05,137 --> 00:17:07,055 He asked what I ate, Alan. 293 00:17:07,056 --> 00:17:09,555 And I told him, Charlie. 294 00:17:09,933 --> 00:17:12,518 Oh-ho, you're a dirty bird. 295 00:17:13,685 --> 00:17:18,395 Well, the good news is that you are a perfectly healthy 50-year-old man. 296 00:17:18,396 --> 00:17:19,855 I'm only 40. 297 00:17:19,856 --> 00:17:22,355 Tell that to your liver. 298 00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:25,360 I would recommend you slow down a bit. 299 00:17:25,361 --> 00:17:28,195 - I've been saying the same thing. - And you. 300 00:17:28,196 --> 00:17:31,197 Why no sequel to Ferris Bueller, huh? 301 00:17:31,198 --> 00:17:33,531 I wait and I wait. 302 00:17:33,532 --> 00:17:35,367 I'm sorry, I'll get on it. 303 00:17:35,368 --> 00:17:38,567 Ah, give the people what they want. 304 00:17:42,873 --> 00:17:45,372 So gas. 305 00:17:46,959 --> 00:17:48,459 Good news, huh? 306 00:17:48,460 --> 00:17:52,796 - A little embarrassing, but yeah. - What are you embarrassed about? 307 00:17:52,797 --> 00:17:56,173 I don't know. The paramedics, the ambulance... 308 00:17:56,174 --> 00:17:59,842 ...the crying and the last-minute negotiations with God. 309 00:17:59,843 --> 00:18:03,220 Oh, right. Are you still planning on teaching piano to orphans? 310 00:18:03,221 --> 00:18:05,720 If any show up, sure. 311 00:18:06,264 --> 00:18:11,100 All right. Well, will you at least accept the fact that you have to slow down? 312 00:18:11,101 --> 00:18:13,600 Yeah. Yeah. 313 00:18:14,228 --> 00:18:16,727 It's weird, Alan. 314 00:18:17,064 --> 00:18:20,065 It seems like just yesterday, I could- 315 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:23,984 I could party all night, eat and drink anything I wanted to. 316 00:18:23,985 --> 00:18:26,070 Now a couple of Red Bulls and a waffle... 317 00:18:26,071 --> 00:18:31,599 ...and I'm sitting in the emergency room praying for a fart. 318 00:18:33,618 --> 00:18:38,162 Now you know why I ordered tomato juice and cottage cheese. 319 00:18:38,163 --> 00:18:41,914 - I admit, you take good care of yourself. - I try. 320 00:18:41,915 --> 00:18:43,916 I guess that's why I keep you around. 321 00:18:43,917 --> 00:18:45,417 Because I'm a good example? 322 00:18:45,418 --> 00:18:48,211 No, you clod, spare parts. 323 00:18:52,839 --> 00:18:54,715 What are we watching? 324 00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:57,215 Antiques Roadshow. 325 00:18:57,509 --> 00:19:02,095 This woman thinks she has Martha Washington's butter churn. 326 00:19:02,096 --> 00:19:03,680 Huh. 327 00:19:03,681 --> 00:19:05,389 Toaster pizza? 328 00:19:05,390 --> 00:19:07,308 Thank you. 329 00:19:07,309 --> 00:19:11,643 - So are you going out tonight? - Ah, what's the point? 330 00:19:11,644 --> 00:19:14,229 Look, Charlie, I'm glad you're slowing down a bit... 331 00:19:14,230 --> 00:19:17,148 ...but you haven't been out of the house in a week. 332 00:19:17,149 --> 00:19:19,107 Ah, it's too depressing. 333 00:19:19,108 --> 00:19:22,651 Wherever I go, I'm the oldest guy in the room. 334 00:19:22,652 --> 00:19:25,152 Even here. 335 00:19:28,782 --> 00:19:33,034 Hey, what would you think about getting a cat? 336 00:19:33,035 --> 00:19:35,077 Okay, that's it. Put some clothes on. 337 00:19:35,078 --> 00:19:36,329 We're going out. 338 00:19:36,330 --> 00:19:37,537 It's 9:00. 339 00:19:37,538 --> 00:19:39,789 I was gonna make some kettle corn. 340 00:19:39,790 --> 00:19:41,874 Forget the corn. You're coming with me. 341 00:19:41,875 --> 00:19:45,154 - Where are we going? - You'll see. 342 00:19:45,711 --> 00:19:47,461 Can you drive? 343 00:19:47,462 --> 00:19:50,392 I don't like to drive at night. 344 00:19:52,549 --> 00:19:54,008 What the hell is this place? 345 00:19:54,009 --> 00:19:56,342 - The fountain of youth. - What? 346 00:19:56,343 --> 00:19:58,842 Follow me. 347 00:20:02,472 --> 00:20:06,058 Ooh, look, young stuff. 348 00:20:07,768 --> 00:20:11,104 Alan, you're a genius. 349 00:20:17,117 --> 00:20:20,869 - May I ask you a personal question? - Sure. 350 00:20:20,870 --> 00:20:22,328 How old are you? 351 00:20:22,329 --> 00:20:23,705 I just turned 40. 352 00:20:23,706 --> 00:20:26,708 Ah! You're a baby. 353 00:20:27,375 --> 00:20:30,294 Well, yeah. 354 00:20:31,961 --> 00:20:33,837 Hey, I have a little riddle for you. 355 00:20:33,838 --> 00:20:35,087 All right. 356 00:20:35,088 --> 00:20:38,799 What has multiple orgasms and hums? 357 00:20:39,341 --> 00:20:41,841 I give up. 358 00:20:46,179 --> 00:20:48,679 Oh. 359 00:20:49,390 --> 00:20:51,890 Come on, I'll show you. 360 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,060 Alan? Alan, I'm leaving. 361 00:20:58,439 --> 00:21:00,938 And may God bless you.