1 00:00:06,646 --> 00:00:09,021 Thank you for transporting me home. 2 00:00:09,022 --> 00:00:15,661 You are a terrific cab driver and I hope some day to visit your country. 3 00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:19,196 Damn, where is that key? 4 00:00:19,197 --> 00:00:22,449 Here, key, key, key. 5 00:00:23,825 --> 00:00:26,324 Aha! 6 00:00:26,535 --> 00:00:29,080 Hello, key. 7 00:00:35,542 --> 00:00:37,210 Oh, no. 8 00:00:37,211 --> 00:00:39,710 Wrong house. 9 00:00:40,046 --> 00:00:42,545 I'm lost. 10 00:00:44,299 --> 00:00:46,674 Hello? 11 00:00:46,675 --> 00:00:49,175 Oh, hey, Alan. Come on in. 12 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:52,596 Why don't you come in here? 13 00:00:52,597 --> 00:00:55,096 I can't. I lost my key. 14 00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:59,349 Dah! 15 00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,939 Had a few cocktails, did we? 16 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:07,607 Me too. 17 00:01:07,608 --> 00:01:09,692 Listen, I need to ask you a favor. 18 00:01:09,693 --> 00:01:13,742 Your needs. Your needs. What about my needs? 19 00:01:14,197 --> 00:01:16,822 Are you capable of having a conversation? 20 00:01:16,823 --> 00:01:18,407 Capable? 21 00:01:18,408 --> 00:01:21,409 I just spent 20 minutes discussing open-toed shoes... 22 00:01:21,410 --> 00:01:24,239 ...with a fat man from Rangoon. 23 00:01:25,872 --> 00:01:28,371 He's a Rangoonian. 24 00:01:28,957 --> 00:01:32,334 - We'll talk in the morning. - I wouldn't count on it. 25 00:01:32,335 --> 00:01:34,377 Go ahead, you talk, I'll cook. 26 00:01:34,378 --> 00:01:36,170 It's 11:30. What are you cooking? 27 00:01:36,171 --> 00:01:39,506 Good question. And I can give you the answer in two words: 28 00:01:39,507 --> 00:01:42,509 My famous homemade chili. 29 00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,843 Since when do you make chili? 30 00:01:44,844 --> 00:01:49,043 There's a lot you don't know about me, Alan. 31 00:01:50,390 --> 00:01:52,889 I am a man of many layers. 32 00:01:53,017 --> 00:01:55,768 - Strata, if you will. - I see. 33 00:01:55,769 --> 00:01:58,103 A thin crust, magma... 34 00:01:58,104 --> 00:02:00,724 ...and a chewy nougat center. 35 00:02:01,481 --> 00:02:05,775 Great. Anyway, tomorrow I have to go to the DMV to get my license renewed. 36 00:02:05,776 --> 00:02:09,821 Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? 37 00:02:09,988 --> 00:02:12,498 And how would we get there? 38 00:02:13,532 --> 00:02:16,410 Run, run, you're free. 39 00:02:17,244 --> 00:02:19,327 Well, listen, the thing is... 40 00:02:19,328 --> 00:02:23,247 ...I can't take Jake, because he's got a book report to do. 41 00:02:23,248 --> 00:02:25,458 I love Jake. 42 00:02:25,459 --> 00:02:28,376 Well, that's good. But will you help him with his report? 43 00:02:28,377 --> 00:02:30,752 I would like nothing better. 44 00:02:30,753 --> 00:02:32,880 - You want chili? - No, I'm good. 45 00:02:32,881 --> 00:02:36,215 But just so we're clear, you'll help Jake? 46 00:02:36,216 --> 00:02:38,425 I love Jake. 47 00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:40,427 - Charlie, it's very important- - Relax. 48 00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:44,707 I'll take Jake to the DMV to get his license. 49 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:48,098 Book report. 50 00:02:49,101 --> 00:02:51,600 Beans. 51 00:03:02,728 --> 00:03:04,895 Oh, no. 52 00:03:04,896 --> 00:03:07,648 Charlie's blackout chili. 53 00:03:09,692 --> 00:03:10,984 It's delicious. 54 00:03:10,985 --> 00:03:12,734 No argument there. 55 00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:14,695 Why is it called blackout chili? 56 00:03:14,696 --> 00:03:16,612 Well, sweetheart... 57 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:20,615 ...sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn't normally do. 58 00:03:20,616 --> 00:03:22,951 Me, I like to walk into a biker bar... 59 00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:26,996 ...and take a swing at the biggest chick there. 60 00:03:26,997 --> 00:03:30,915 Your uncle Charlie, on the other hand, makes chili. 61 00:03:30,916 --> 00:03:32,749 But what's the blackout part? 62 00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:34,376 Oh, jeez, Jake. 63 00:03:34,377 --> 00:03:37,420 How many times have I told you not to crap up my kitchen? 64 00:03:37,421 --> 00:03:39,713 But I'm not the one who- 65 00:03:39,714 --> 00:03:42,048 Oh. 66 00:03:42,049 --> 00:03:48,508 Still, it beats waking up to find pool chalk between your fanny cheeks. 67 00:03:49,555 --> 00:03:50,930 So where's your father? 68 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:54,599 He went to the DMV. He said you promised to help me with my book report. 69 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,393 Really? That doesn't sound like me. 70 00:03:57,394 --> 00:03:59,770 I didn't think so, but that's what he said. 71 00:03:59,771 --> 00:04:01,562 - When's it due? - Monday. 72 00:04:01,563 --> 00:04:04,583 - Okay. Today's Saturday? - Yeah. 73 00:04:04,733 --> 00:04:06,441 We got plenty of time. 74 00:04:06,442 --> 00:04:09,069 Yeah, but my dad always says if I do my work early... 75 00:04:09,070 --> 00:04:11,153 ...I have the weekend to have fun. 76 00:04:11,154 --> 00:04:13,933 That makes no sense whatsoever. 77 00:04:13,948 --> 00:04:16,448 That's what I said. 78 00:04:16,909 --> 00:04:18,283 Let me ask you something. 79 00:04:18,284 --> 00:04:20,119 - Do you wanna do it now? - No. 80 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,619 Then trust your instincts. 81 00:04:22,746 --> 00:04:24,330 Here's what you do. 82 00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:26,123 You go out, have a good time. 83 00:04:26,124 --> 00:04:29,125 Let the report percolate in your subconscious. 84 00:04:29,126 --> 00:04:33,754 Then, as the deadline approaches and that flop-sweat panic hits... 85 00:04:33,755 --> 00:04:39,132 ...those pages will come shooting out of you like lunch from a supermodel. 86 00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:40,634 Well, I do like to percolate. 87 00:04:40,635 --> 00:04:43,094 Attaboy. 88 00:04:43,095 --> 00:04:45,179 And what are you doing today? 89 00:04:45,180 --> 00:04:48,056 I've gotta write a new jingle for a credit-card company... 90 00:04:48,057 --> 00:04:50,934 ...and they're expecting it on Monday. 91 00:04:50,935 --> 00:04:53,434 So I'm going to the track. 92 00:04:53,853 --> 00:04:57,898 Now serving Number 38 at Window D. 93 00:04:59,774 --> 00:05:02,274 I got 42. 94 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,735 I made an appointment. 95 00:05:04,736 --> 00:05:07,236 Good for you. 96 00:05:09,990 --> 00:05:12,489 What's your number? 97 00:05:13,034 --> 00:05:15,662 - I'm 97. - Mm. Ouch. 98 00:05:15,828 --> 00:05:18,497 You're gonna be here forever. 99 00:05:20,123 --> 00:05:22,622 Yeah. 100 00:05:23,793 --> 00:05:25,918 Oh, hey, you know what? 101 00:05:25,919 --> 00:05:28,420 I'm probably not even gonna need this PowerBar. 102 00:05:28,421 --> 00:05:30,129 You want it? 103 00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:31,631 Thanks. 104 00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:34,131 You're very kind. 105 00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:37,633 Next time, plan ahead. 106 00:05:37,969 --> 00:05:39,303 Will do. 107 00:05:39,304 --> 00:05:42,055 - You gotta know how to work the system- - Again... 108 00:05:42,056 --> 00:05:44,556 ...thanks. 109 00:05:46,226 --> 00:05:47,809 Okay, I'm leaving. 110 00:05:47,810 --> 00:05:48,977 Bye. 111 00:05:48,978 --> 00:05:50,811 If you need anything, ask Berta. 112 00:05:50,812 --> 00:05:52,438 - Okay. - She won't give it... 113 00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:54,773 ...but she enjoys being asked. 114 00:05:54,774 --> 00:05:57,274 All right. 115 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,823 - Turn that off, you're coming with me. - Really? To the track? 116 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:09,283 It's gotta be better for you than TV. 117 00:06:10,577 --> 00:06:13,662 - Are we gonna gamble? - No, suckers gamble. 118 00:06:13,663 --> 00:06:16,915 We're gonna analyze statistics with proven scientific principles... 119 00:06:16,916 --> 00:06:21,205 ...and make wagers based on the resulting data. 120 00:06:22,337 --> 00:06:24,420 I think I'd rather watch TV. 121 00:06:24,421 --> 00:06:26,920 Come on. Come on. 122 00:06:27,006 --> 00:06:30,126 Now serving Number 39 at Window A. 123 00:06:30,468 --> 00:06:34,470 It appears my time on your planet is almost over. Ha-ha-ha! 124 00:06:34,471 --> 00:06:36,179 "Ha-ha-ha! " 125 00:06:36,180 --> 00:06:38,556 Excuse me, are you done with your paper? 126 00:06:38,557 --> 00:06:40,682 Oh, sure. Here. 127 00:06:40,683 --> 00:06:42,476 Thank you. 128 00:06:42,477 --> 00:06:45,519 I didn't even have a chance to finish the Jumble. 129 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,687 - Well, I'll have time. - Ooh. 130 00:06:47,688 --> 00:06:50,356 Hey, 97, that ought to lift your spirits. 131 00:06:50,357 --> 00:06:52,856 I'm ebullient. 132 00:06:54,068 --> 00:06:57,403 I feel like an idiot. I didn't know you could make an appointment. 133 00:06:57,404 --> 00:06:59,864 Well, most people don't. 134 00:06:59,865 --> 00:07:02,364 Am I right? 135 00:07:04,367 --> 00:07:07,579 - Lena. - Oh, I'm Alan. 136 00:07:07,746 --> 00:07:10,872 Ooh. You have a firm handshake, Alan. 137 00:07:10,873 --> 00:07:12,332 I like that in a man. 138 00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:16,001 Well, I'm a chiropractor. My hands are my instruments. 139 00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:20,754 And I also carry a little squishy ball in my pocket to head off carpal tunnel. 140 00:07:20,755 --> 00:07:23,255 Ooh. 141 00:07:25,592 --> 00:07:28,385 - How much can I bet? - How much did you bring? 142 00:07:28,386 --> 00:07:30,511 I have to use my own money? 143 00:07:30,512 --> 00:07:34,055 Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you? 144 00:07:34,056 --> 00:07:35,599 Okay. 145 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,975 I have $14. 146 00:07:37,976 --> 00:07:40,728 That's not gonna get you very far. 147 00:07:40,729 --> 00:07:44,564 Oh, and I have a $50 gift certificate to Pizza Hut. 148 00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:47,816 - Wanna buy it? - Sure. I'll give you 25 bucks. 149 00:07:47,817 --> 00:07:49,109 But it's worth 50. 150 00:07:49,110 --> 00:07:51,444 - To who? - To Pizza Hut. 151 00:07:51,445 --> 00:07:55,071 Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you. 152 00:07:55,072 --> 00:07:56,823 You're just trying to rip me off. 153 00:07:56,824 --> 00:07:59,491 I've been staying up nights trying to figure out... 154 00:07:59,492 --> 00:08:02,869 ...how to get my hands on your pizza money. 155 00:08:02,870 --> 00:08:04,537 Now listen and learn. 156 00:08:04,538 --> 00:08:08,457 In any financial transaction, there is one question both parties ask themselves. 157 00:08:08,458 --> 00:08:10,916 We're going to a party? 158 00:08:10,917 --> 00:08:12,418 Will you shut up and listen? 159 00:08:12,419 --> 00:08:14,794 I thought we were going to the track. 160 00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:18,631 I swear to God, I will throw you out of this car. 161 00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,591 Now, as I was saying. 162 00:08:20,592 --> 00:08:24,468 The question is, what leverage do I have in this transaction? 163 00:08:24,469 --> 00:08:27,348 And the answer for you is none. 164 00:08:28,389 --> 00:08:30,015 What's leverage? 165 00:08:30,016 --> 00:08:32,433 Oh, boy. 166 00:08:32,434 --> 00:08:35,394 All right, a lever is how you move things. 167 00:08:35,395 --> 00:08:37,770 Leverage is how you move people. 168 00:08:37,771 --> 00:08:39,771 Now, if we were going to Pizza Hut... 169 00:08:39,772 --> 00:08:42,524 ...and they didn't take real money and I was starving to death... 170 00:08:42,525 --> 00:08:46,444 ...your gift certificate would give you leverage over me. 171 00:08:46,445 --> 00:08:49,404 But, alas, this is not the case. 172 00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:52,197 Okay, I guess I'll take $40. 173 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,078 Now you're catching on. But no. 174 00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:59,203 Number 40 at Window E. 175 00:08:59,204 --> 00:09:02,956 I'm sorry, baby. Mama's gotta stay here till she gets her license. 176 00:09:02,957 --> 00:09:05,958 I'm hungry too. I don't know how much longer. 177 00:09:05,959 --> 00:09:08,043 You wanna come in here and wait with me? 178 00:09:08,044 --> 00:09:11,421 All right, you stay in the car and play your video game. 179 00:09:11,422 --> 00:09:13,921 Mama loves you too. 180 00:09:14,173 --> 00:09:17,132 I get such little time with him. 181 00:09:17,926 --> 00:09:19,718 Where's his dad? 182 00:09:19,719 --> 00:09:21,386 Damned if I know. 183 00:09:21,387 --> 00:09:24,507 Now serving Number 41 at Window B. 184 00:09:24,515 --> 00:09:28,893 Oh, he is gonna miss his piano lesson. 185 00:09:32,020 --> 00:09:34,855 Listen, why don't you take my number? 186 00:09:34,856 --> 00:09:36,815 - Oh, I couldn't. - No, no, no, I insist. 187 00:09:36,816 --> 00:09:40,734 I've got somebody taking care of my little boy, so I can wait. 188 00:09:40,735 --> 00:09:42,652 That is so sweet. 189 00:09:42,653 --> 00:09:45,488 Now serving Number 42 at Window B. 190 00:09:45,489 --> 00:09:46,947 Oh, you're up. 191 00:09:46,948 --> 00:09:49,366 - Thank you so much. - Oh, it's my pleasure. 192 00:09:49,367 --> 00:09:51,617 Hey, listen, maybe, you think some time... 193 00:09:51,618 --> 00:09:54,767 - ...we could go out? - Hey, Mama. 194 00:09:54,870 --> 00:09:57,414 Baby, I thought you were waiting in the car. 195 00:09:57,415 --> 00:10:00,457 - My batteries are dead. - That's okay, we're out of here. 196 00:10:00,458 --> 00:10:03,709 - Wha-? You lied to me. - No, I didn't. 197 00:10:03,710 --> 00:10:06,379 - Baby, you got a piano lesson today? - Yup. 198 00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:08,713 Gershwin. 199 00:10:08,714 --> 00:10:11,213 See? 200 00:10:14,719 --> 00:10:18,898 Hey, I thought you had her at "squishy ball." 201 00:10:25,394 --> 00:10:27,436 So how much do I get if my horse wins? 202 00:10:27,437 --> 00:10:30,563 You bet 14 at 2-to-1, you win $28. 203 00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:32,272 That doesn't sound like a lot. 204 00:10:32,273 --> 00:10:34,316 Why can't I bet the 80-to-1 horse? 205 00:10:34,317 --> 00:10:36,984 You can but there's dogs with forks and napkins... 206 00:10:36,985 --> 00:10:39,278 ...waiting at the finish line for that horse. 207 00:10:39,279 --> 00:10:42,239 - What's that mean? - It means the greater the odds... 208 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,615 ...the lousier the horse. 209 00:10:43,616 --> 00:10:45,533 But he could still win, right? 210 00:10:45,534 --> 00:10:49,494 Yeah, and you could still be class valedictorian. 211 00:10:49,495 --> 00:10:51,663 But that's not where the smart money goes. 212 00:10:51,664 --> 00:10:54,414 You can make your point without being mean. 213 00:10:54,415 --> 00:10:58,084 Look, if you want me to bet the 80-to-1 horse for you, I will. 214 00:10:58,085 --> 00:11:00,795 - Okay, fine. - It'll be a good lesson for you. 215 00:11:00,796 --> 00:11:03,129 You won't be such a know-it-all when I win- 216 00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:06,256 Four times eight is 32. One times zero is zero. 217 00:11:06,257 --> 00:11:08,757 $120,000. 218 00:11:08,843 --> 00:11:11,342 All right, two lessons. 219 00:11:14,263 --> 00:11:18,224 It's not as much as I thought, but I'm still rich. 220 00:11:18,225 --> 00:11:20,267 You're not rich... 221 00:11:20,268 --> 00:11:23,102 ...you lucky little pecker-head. 222 00:11:23,103 --> 00:11:26,912 Hey, there's no reason for name-calling... 223 00:11:27,273 --> 00:11:29,773 ...Mr. Smart-Money. 224 00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:31,525 You wanna walk home? 225 00:11:31,526 --> 00:11:33,069 I don't have to walk home. 226 00:11:33,070 --> 00:11:35,862 I could take a taxi or a limo. 227 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:38,362 Or a hearse. 228 00:11:43,861 --> 00:11:45,320 Mmm. 229 00:11:45,321 --> 00:11:48,280 You were so smart to bring this. 230 00:11:48,865 --> 00:11:51,992 Now serving Number 97 at Window A. 231 00:11:52,326 --> 00:11:54,828 Hey, that's me. 232 00:11:56,537 --> 00:11:59,371 You hang in there. Thanks for everything. 233 00:11:59,372 --> 00:12:00,873 You're welcome. 234 00:12:00,874 --> 00:12:03,373 I was being facetious. 235 00:12:11,382 --> 00:12:14,009 Ooh. Ninety-nine. 236 00:12:14,176 --> 00:12:16,259 Lucky you. 237 00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:18,760 I'm 138. 238 00:12:19,430 --> 00:12:21,929 Been here all day... 239 00:12:22,557 --> 00:12:24,891 ...with my kid waiting in the car. 240 00:12:24,892 --> 00:12:27,392 Nice try. 241 00:12:31,939 --> 00:12:35,983 - Hey, Dad, guess what. - Whoa, whoa, he doesn't need to know. 242 00:12:35,984 --> 00:12:38,026 - Why not? - Think about it. 243 00:12:38,027 --> 00:12:41,278 What's your father gonna do when he finds out you got $1120? 244 00:12:41,279 --> 00:12:45,028 Don't worry, I'm not gonna lend him any. 245 00:12:45,115 --> 00:12:46,407 No, you clod. 246 00:12:46,408 --> 00:12:49,451 - He's gonna make you put it in the bank. - Oh, yeah. 247 00:12:49,452 --> 00:12:52,078 He's gonna give me grief for taking you to the track. 248 00:12:52,079 --> 00:12:56,874 Oh, so I guess that means I've got leverage on you. 249 00:12:56,875 --> 00:13:00,084 Hey, I can live with the grief. Can you live without the money? 250 00:13:00,085 --> 00:13:02,419 No. I love my money. 251 00:13:02,420 --> 00:13:06,380 Okay, so here's what you do. Hide it in your room someplace no one will look. 252 00:13:06,381 --> 00:13:11,134 I saw this movie where they put the money in a plastic bag and hung it in the toilet. 253 00:13:11,135 --> 00:13:15,474 Bad idea. Your toilet sees way too much action. 254 00:13:16,014 --> 00:13:17,890 Okay, I'll buy a big safe. 255 00:13:17,891 --> 00:13:20,391 Oh, brilliant, that won't raise any questions. 256 00:13:20,392 --> 00:13:22,726 Just stick it in a shoe. 257 00:13:22,727 --> 00:13:25,367 But what if I wanna wear it? 258 00:13:26,896 --> 00:13:29,565 Then put it in a different shoe. 259 00:13:29,566 --> 00:13:32,235 But not the same pair, right? 260 00:13:33,777 --> 00:13:36,236 Correct. 261 00:13:36,237 --> 00:13:40,072 You have to be careful spending it. You don't wanna call attention to yourself. 262 00:13:40,073 --> 00:13:41,991 Okay. I'll just get a plasma TV. 263 00:13:41,992 --> 00:13:43,908 No, no, no. 264 00:13:43,909 --> 00:13:47,369 No plasma TVs, no computers, no expensive video games. 265 00:13:47,370 --> 00:13:49,580 Buy small stuff that no one will notice. 266 00:13:49,581 --> 00:13:51,747 - Like doughnuts? - Okay. Perfect. 267 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:54,448 What about a doughnut machine? 268 00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,251 Okay, you're not hearing me. 269 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:58,892 I could hide it in the safe. 270 00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:01,921 Get out of here. 271 00:14:02,382 --> 00:14:04,881 Hey, where have you been? 272 00:14:04,967 --> 00:14:06,926 I told you. The DMV. 273 00:14:06,927 --> 00:14:11,056 All day? You should have made an appointment. 274 00:14:11,264 --> 00:14:13,763 Yeah. Next time I'll know. 275 00:14:14,474 --> 00:14:16,641 So, what did you guys do today? 276 00:14:16,642 --> 00:14:19,936 Oh, not much. We just hung out, ran a few errands. 277 00:14:19,937 --> 00:14:22,604 - Did you help him with his book report? - Yes, I did. 278 00:14:22,605 --> 00:14:24,064 Really? 279 00:14:24,065 --> 00:14:26,274 No. 280 00:14:26,275 --> 00:14:28,442 - You said you'd help him. - Yeah, you said... 281 00:14:28,443 --> 00:14:31,736 ...you'd only be living here for a couple of weeks. 282 00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:33,946 And you weren't drunk when you said it. 283 00:14:33,947 --> 00:14:37,031 Fair enough. So you guys just ran errands all day? 284 00:14:37,032 --> 00:14:38,783 Yes, errands. 285 00:14:38,784 --> 00:14:42,411 - Where is he, in his room? - Yes, his room. 286 00:14:42,412 --> 00:14:46,911 - Thanks for keeping an eye on him. - No problem. 287 00:14:47,249 --> 00:14:50,167 Oh, I have a bad feeling. 288 00:14:52,253 --> 00:14:55,582 Hey, Jake, I'm back. I was thinking- 289 00:15:01,635 --> 00:15:05,124 Uncle Charlie made me go to the track. 290 00:15:10,058 --> 00:15:11,307 What a day. 291 00:15:11,308 --> 00:15:14,310 Just sitting and sitting and sitting. 292 00:15:14,311 --> 00:15:16,810 Huh. 293 00:15:19,690 --> 00:15:21,107 It was like jury duty... 294 00:15:21,108 --> 00:15:24,818 ...without the fun of sending someone to jail. 295 00:15:24,819 --> 00:15:26,194 Sounds awful. 296 00:15:26,195 --> 00:15:28,694 Yeah, yeah. 297 00:15:28,738 --> 00:15:31,237 So... 298 00:15:31,532 --> 00:15:34,232 ...you guys ran errands today. 299 00:15:34,785 --> 00:15:38,161 Little rat bastard sold me out, didn't he? 300 00:15:38,162 --> 00:15:40,661 Almost immediately. 301 00:15:41,164 --> 00:15:44,666 Why would you take a 13-year-old boy to the track? 302 00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:48,669 Hey, I thought it would be better than him hanging around the house doing nothing. 303 00:15:48,670 --> 00:15:51,004 He was supposed to be doing his book report. 304 00:15:51,005 --> 00:15:52,964 Oh, yeah. 305 00:15:52,965 --> 00:15:57,509 And weren't you supposed to be working on some big credit-card jingle? 306 00:15:57,510 --> 00:15:59,678 I'm percolating. 307 00:15:59,679 --> 00:16:01,845 Boy, you are some role model. 308 00:16:01,846 --> 00:16:04,345 Well, one of us has to be. 309 00:16:04,974 --> 00:16:07,854 So exactly how much did he win? 310 00:16:08,018 --> 00:16:10,352 Eleven hundred dollars. 311 00:16:10,353 --> 00:16:11,895 Wow. 312 00:16:11,896 --> 00:16:14,980 Forget it. He's not gonna loan you any. 313 00:16:14,981 --> 00:16:18,691 All right, we'll put it in the bank. A nice addition to his college fund. 314 00:16:18,692 --> 00:16:20,026 What college fund? 315 00:16:20,027 --> 00:16:22,529 The one with $1100 in it. 316 00:16:22,987 --> 00:16:24,363 Come on, Alan. 317 00:16:24,364 --> 00:16:26,864 He won the money fair and stupid. 318 00:16:26,865 --> 00:16:30,200 - So I ought to let him keep it? - What's the worst that could happen? 319 00:16:30,201 --> 00:16:31,368 So he blows it. 320 00:16:31,369 --> 00:16:35,287 It's a life lesson and we get a doughnut machine. 321 00:16:35,288 --> 00:16:37,289 What? 322 00:16:37,290 --> 00:16:40,625 - It's just money, Alan. - Well, I don't want him to think like that. 323 00:16:40,626 --> 00:16:43,251 Oh, much better he think like you? 324 00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,878 Squirreling away every dime so he'll have it handy... 325 00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:49,269 ...for alimony payments and phone sex? 326 00:16:50,466 --> 00:16:53,296 For the last time, I misdialed. 327 00:16:54,052 --> 00:16:57,972 Yeah, every Wednesday night for 20 minutes. 328 00:16:58,139 --> 00:17:00,556 Okay, we are not talking about the phone bills. 329 00:17:00,557 --> 00:17:03,600 We are talking about teaching Jake sound financial principles. 330 00:17:03,601 --> 00:17:06,770 And I am entitled to a date night. 331 00:17:07,562 --> 00:17:09,438 Fine, take the money away from him. 332 00:17:09,439 --> 00:17:12,482 - No, I'm not gonna be the bad guy. - I'm not gonna be, either. 333 00:17:12,483 --> 00:17:15,484 - Why not? It's your fault. - If you wanna point the finger... 334 00:17:15,485 --> 00:17:21,280 ...look for the horse trainer who put crystal meth in Mr. McGlue's feedbag. 335 00:17:21,281 --> 00:17:24,407 I'll bet that Clydesdale is still running. 336 00:17:24,408 --> 00:17:27,785 Okay, okay, you think you know him best? We'll let him keep the money. 337 00:17:27,786 --> 00:17:30,788 But mark my words. No good can come from a boy like Jake... 338 00:17:30,789 --> 00:17:36,625 - ...having that cash to throw around. - Oh, come on, the kid might surprise you. 339 00:17:36,626 --> 00:17:39,085 - Here's a hundred bucks. - What's that for? 340 00:17:39,086 --> 00:17:41,585 I broke a lamp. 341 00:17:49,010 --> 00:17:52,970 It's the card that's accepted All over the globe 342 00:17:52,971 --> 00:17:55,599 Something, something 343 00:17:56,390 --> 00:17:59,185 Terry-cloth robe 344 00:18:01,311 --> 00:18:03,729 That's enough for today. 345 00:18:03,730 --> 00:18:05,104 Hey, have you seen Jake? 346 00:18:05,105 --> 00:18:08,108 Oh, Little Lord Fartleroy? 347 00:18:08,776 --> 00:18:11,193 He wasn't pleased with grilled cheese for lunch... 348 00:18:11,194 --> 00:18:15,112 ...so he walked to Red Lobster for their all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp. 349 00:18:15,113 --> 00:18:17,614 - Wonderful. - He lined his pockets with foil... 350 00:18:17,615 --> 00:18:20,074 ...before he left. 351 00:18:20,075 --> 00:18:21,617 You think this is funny? 352 00:18:21,618 --> 00:18:23,619 So the kid gets to throw money around. 353 00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:25,120 - What's wrong with that? Hey. 354 00:18:25,121 --> 00:18:28,122 Richie Rich back with my crab legs yet? 355 00:18:28,123 --> 00:18:30,040 No. 356 00:18:30,041 --> 00:18:33,627 You don't understand. Money gives him choices and freedom. 357 00:18:33,628 --> 00:18:36,003 - Yeah, so? - I don't have choices and freedom... 358 00:18:36,004 --> 00:18:38,629 - ...why should he? - Dad, Uncle Charlie. 359 00:18:38,630 --> 00:18:41,883 Come out and see what I just bought. 360 00:18:41,884 --> 00:18:44,713 Oh, I have another bad feeling. 361 00:18:48,346 --> 00:18:51,545 Oh... Jake, where did you get that? 362 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:55,809 A guy had it in the back of his pickup truck at the gas station. It had a "for sale" sign. 363 00:18:55,810 --> 00:18:57,144 Oh, no. 364 00:18:57,145 --> 00:19:00,146 I asked him how much it was and he said, "How much you got? " 365 00:19:00,147 --> 00:19:05,066 And I told him $1106 and he said, "It's your lucky day." 366 00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:10,036 Can you believe that? That's two lucky days in a row. 367 00:19:11,488 --> 00:19:13,988 Okay, I'm sorry. 368 00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:17,534 - You did not ride that thing here? - No, I pushed it. 369 00:19:17,535 --> 00:19:20,036 - I can ride it on the beach. - You figured wrong. 370 00:19:20,037 --> 00:19:24,164 - It's too dangerous. - Don't worry, I got a helmet. 371 00:19:24,165 --> 00:19:27,545 I traded him for a bag of crab legs. 372 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:31,753 - Can you help me take it to the beach? - You're not riding that. 373 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:38,252 Well, I bought it with my own money, so you can't tell me what to do. 374 00:19:38,593 --> 00:19:41,844 Really, I am as sorry as I could possibly be. 375 00:19:41,845 --> 00:19:48,424 Let me show you how cool it is. Look, the guy told me how to start it. 376 00:19:52,686 --> 00:19:55,696 He said it might need a tune-up. 377 00:19:57,565 --> 00:20:00,065 So where are my crab legs? 378 00:20:04,163 --> 00:20:05,412 Go ahead, say it. 379 00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:09,415 - I'm stupid and I got ripped off. - No, no, nobody thinks that. 380 00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:11,916 I wouldn't say nobody. 381 00:20:12,127 --> 00:20:13,960 - Charlie. - Come on. 382 00:20:13,961 --> 00:20:15,879 It's not the end of the world. 383 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:20,007 Look, Jake, sooner or later, every guy gets hustled. 384 00:20:20,008 --> 00:20:21,883 - Even you? - Even me. 385 00:20:21,884 --> 00:20:23,926 I remember when I wasn't much older than you... 386 00:20:23,927 --> 00:20:27,706 ...I spent 100 bucks on a bag of oregano. 387 00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:34,059 - Oregano? - Your uncle was making spaghetti sauce. 388 00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:36,102 Yeah, in a parked car... 389 00:20:36,103 --> 00:20:39,354 ...before I went to the Pink Floyd Laserium show. 390 00:20:39,355 --> 00:20:40,605 Thank you. 391 00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:44,900 The important thing is you learn something that will serve you for the rest of your life. 392 00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:47,986 - What's that? - Always buy motorbikes and oregano... 393 00:20:47,987 --> 00:20:50,487 ...from authorized dealers. 394 00:20:50,656 --> 00:20:52,698 No. No. That is not the lesson. 395 00:20:52,699 --> 00:20:55,783 - A fool and his money are soon parted? - No. 396 00:20:55,784 --> 00:20:57,827 - Don't run with scissors? - Do you mind? 397 00:20:57,828 --> 00:21:01,371 Go ahead. I'm down to "don't eat the yellow snow." 398 00:21:01,372 --> 00:21:03,871 That's not it, is it? 399 00:21:04,416 --> 00:21:08,084 No, the lesson here is that when a little extra money comes our way... 400 00:21:08,085 --> 00:21:10,586 ...we do the smart thing, we put it in the bank. 401 00:21:10,587 --> 00:21:13,088 It makes reasonable interest at minimal risk. 402 00:21:13,089 --> 00:21:15,257 And then we have it for a rainy day. 403 00:21:15,258 --> 00:21:17,341 - Do you understand? - Yeah. 404 00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:18,801 Attaboy. 405 00:21:18,802 --> 00:21:20,802 Trust me, there is no better feeling... 406 00:21:20,803 --> 00:21:26,252 ...than knowing you have a little nest egg to fall back on. 407 00:21:27,016 --> 00:21:30,268 There are at least eight better feelings. 408 00:21:30,269 --> 00:21:32,979 - Charlie! - Coming.