1
00:00:04,316 --> 00:00:05,714
Taste this.

2
00:00:05,874 --> 00:00:08,711
I don't need to taste it.
It's a chocolate laxative.

3
00:00:09,031 --> 00:00:10,389
I think it needs more caramel.

4
00:00:14,066 --> 00:00:15,065
I'm telling you, Alan.

5
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:18,901
One of these days, that kid's gonna fart
and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.

6
00:00:20,180 --> 00:00:23,097
Funny. Listen, how much is a hooker?

7
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:26,294
What? Alan, what are you gonna do
with a hooker?

8
00:00:26,453 --> 00:00:29,850
Well, I'd like to pay her
to have sex with me.

9
00:00:30,010 --> 00:00:32,847
- I get it, but why?
- Well, I've been thinking.

10
00:00:33,007 --> 00:00:35,365
I don't have a great track record
with relationships...

11
00:00:35,525 --> 00:00:37,083
...but I still have desires.

12
00:00:37,242 --> 00:00:39,280
So I figure, why not simplify?

13
00:00:39,441 --> 00:00:40,400
Get back to basics.

14
00:00:40,599 --> 00:00:43,636
No relationship,
no disappointment, just sex.

15
00:00:44,156 --> 00:00:45,195
Well, sex with you...

16
00:00:45,435 --> 00:00:47,912
...there's bound to be
some disappointment.

17
00:00:48,671 --> 00:00:51,788
I mean, even with a hooker,
money only buys you so much goodwill.

18
00:00:52,308 --> 00:00:55,624
But I don't have to care. Because it's
a straight business transaction...

19
00:00:55,784 --> 00:00:58,382
...the only needs that are important
are mine.

20
00:00:58,501 --> 00:01:01,139
Hey, you don't have to sell me on it.

21
00:01:01,299 --> 00:01:03,536
I just never pictured you
doing anything like this.

22
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,454
Me neither.
You know what's interesting?

23
00:01:05,574 --> 00:01:09,451
Once I decided to give up trying
to live a moral life, I felt somehow free.

24
00:01:09,610 --> 00:01:14,006
Again, you don't have to sell me on it.
How much are you looking to spend?

25
00:01:14,165 --> 00:01:17,083
Well, as you know,
I am a bit of a bargain hunter.

26
00:01:18,002 --> 00:01:22,118
But unfortunately, they don't stock
hookers at the 99-cent store.

27
00:01:22,278 --> 00:01:24,915
- Give me a number.
- Okay, well...

28
00:01:25,075 --> 00:01:28,392
...what could I get
in the 200-dollar range?

29
00:01:28,911 --> 00:01:29,990
Crabs.

30
00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:33,466
And carjacked.

31
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:36,503
All right, then.
Why don't you give me a number?

32
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:38,981
- Fifteen hundred dollars.
- For one night?

33
00:01:39,181 --> 00:01:40,220
For one hour.

34
00:01:41,219 --> 00:01:44,336
One hour?
I want sex, not surround sound.

35
00:01:45,614 --> 00:01:47,213
Trust me, it's worth it.

36
00:01:47,372 --> 00:01:49,890
For that kind of money,
you get the girlfriend experience.

37
00:01:50,050 --> 00:01:52,967
Haven't you been listening?
I don't want the girlfriend experience.

38
00:01:53,126 --> 00:01:54,685
I want sex.

39
00:01:54,845 --> 00:01:57,322
Guiltless, emotionless, selfish sex.

40
00:01:57,482 --> 00:01:59,960
- I understand.
- At a reasonable price.

41
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,278
Got it. I'll make a few calls,
see what I can do.

42
00:02:02,637 --> 00:02:05,675
That'd be good.
And try to get a non-smoker.

43
00:02:06,354 --> 00:02:07,272
Sure.

44
00:02:07,512 --> 00:02:10,629
Who wants a girl who would put
one of those nasty things in her mouth?

45
00:02:10,789 --> 00:02:12,388
Charlie?

46
00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:13,626
Charlie Harper?

47
00:02:13,786 --> 00:02:15,464
Hey, how are you?

48
00:02:15,625 --> 00:02:17,622
Wow, how long has it been?

49
00:02:17,782 --> 00:02:20,219
Too long. This is my brother, Alan.

50
00:02:20,379 --> 00:02:22,338
Hi. This is my daughter, Milly.

51
00:02:22,497 --> 00:02:23,576
- Hi, Milly.
- Hello, Milly.

52
00:02:23,736 --> 00:02:26,414
Boy, this is some killer crumb cake.

53
00:02:26,534 --> 00:02:28,491
- Hello.
- Hi.

54
00:02:29,171 --> 00:02:31,368
Milly, this is my son, Jake.
Jake, this is Milly.

55
00:02:32,447 --> 00:02:33,487
Want some cake?

56
00:02:34,365 --> 00:02:35,525
I don't eat sugar.

57
00:02:35,724 --> 00:02:36,723
Oh, yeah, me neither.

58
00:02:36,883 --> 00:02:39,081
Unless it's in, like, pies
and cookies and stuff.

59
00:02:39,241 --> 00:02:41,078
- Whatever.
- Yeah, whatever.

60
00:02:43,116 --> 00:02:44,475
I play guitar. I'm in a band.

61
00:02:44,595 --> 00:02:47,952
They're called the Dudes of Rockage.
Heavy metal, classic rock kind of stuff.

62
00:02:48,312 --> 00:02:51,349
- I'm into Gwen Stefani.
- Oh, yeah, they're great.

63
00:02:53,666 --> 00:02:56,543
- Sure you don't want some cake?
- No, thanks.

64
00:02:56,703 --> 00:02:58,501
Oh, gee, we have to get going.

65
00:02:58,661 --> 00:03:01,618
Call me sometime. Maybe we can get
together, have dinner, catch up.

66
00:03:01,778 --> 00:03:03,097
Oh, that'd be great.

67
00:03:03,256 --> 00:03:04,575
You still have my number?

68
00:03:04,735 --> 00:03:08,132
I'm sure I do, but, you know,
just in case.

69
00:03:09,250 --> 00:03:10,489
Here you go.

70
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:13,287
- Pleasure to meet you, Alan.
- Same here.

71
00:03:15,244 --> 00:03:17,363
She seems nice. Who is she?

72
00:03:18,322 --> 00:03:20,399
I have no frigging idea.

73
00:03:21,518 --> 00:03:22,597
I'll tell you who she is.

74
00:03:23,156 --> 00:03:25,275
The grandmother of my children.

75
00:03:35,384 --> 00:03:38,261
- Uncle Charlie?
- What?

76
00:03:38,501 --> 00:03:41,658
Could you do me a favor and call
Milly's mom, find out if Milly likes me?

77
00:03:41,818 --> 00:03:44,695
But don't tell her I asked,
because I don't wanna appear needy.

78
00:03:45,214 --> 00:03:47,012
I'm on it.

79
00:03:53,406 --> 00:03:54,845
You're not gonna do it, are you?

80
00:03:55,524 --> 00:03:57,722
What was your first clue?

81
00:03:57,882 --> 00:03:59,120
Oh, come on, why not?

82
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:03,517
Jake, buddy, I don't even remember
who Milly's mom is.

83
00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:06,114
Calling her would put me
in a very awkward position.

84
00:04:06,274 --> 00:04:08,911
More than the time I had to pretend
to be lost at the mall...

85
00:04:09,070 --> 00:04:12,508
...so you could meet the cute guard?
- Hey, we both benefited from that.

86
00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:16,224
- How do you figure?
- I got a hot date. You got a hot pretzel.

87
00:04:19,101 --> 00:04:21,538
It was an excellent pretzel.

88
00:04:23,537 --> 00:04:24,655
Did you make the call?

89
00:04:24,815 --> 00:04:27,852
Jeez, everybody wants me
to pimp for them.

90
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:33,646
Might as well get myself an orange hat,
platform shoes and a full-length fur coat.

91
00:04:34,446 --> 00:04:36,843
If anybody could pull it off,
it'd be you.

92
00:04:38,002 --> 00:04:39,280
Did you make the call?

93
00:04:40,399 --> 00:04:42,397
Here. Her name's Alexis.

94
00:04:42,597 --> 00:04:44,675
She's expecting to hear from you.

95
00:04:44,835 --> 00:04:46,314
Alexis, that's a pretty name.

96
00:04:46,513 --> 00:04:48,232
They all have pretty names, Alan.

97
00:04:48,431 --> 00:04:50,829
You'll never meet a hooker
named Maude.

98
00:04:51,469 --> 00:04:55,584
Right, right. So exactly how much
are we talking about?

99
00:04:55,744 --> 00:04:57,662
She's willing to throw you one
for 500.

100
00:04:58,940 --> 00:05:00,379
Okay.

101
00:05:00,499 --> 00:05:02,018
Can I put it on a credit card?

102
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:05,414
A credit card?

103
00:05:05,574 --> 00:05:08,051
Where are you planning
to swipe it, Alan?

104
00:05:09,290 --> 00:05:12,767
All right, all right,
I was just hoping to get the miles.

105
00:05:15,804 --> 00:05:17,842
Forget the miles.

106
00:05:18,001 --> 00:05:20,240
And remember,
that 500 does not include the tip.

107
00:05:20,599 --> 00:05:21,758
I have to tip her?

108
00:05:21,918 --> 00:05:25,594
You know, in case there's something you
want that might be considered unusual.

109
00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:28,511
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna have to tip her.

110
00:05:29,790 --> 00:05:31,269
- Hi.
- Oh, hey, Berta.

111
00:05:31,428 --> 00:05:32,507
Hey, Berta.

112
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:36,703
So, what you're saying
is that this is a à-la-carte kind of deal.

113
00:05:36,863 --> 00:05:38,181
Like a steakhouse?

114
00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:40,659
What?

115
00:05:40,939 --> 00:05:43,816
As opposed to a set menu
or buffet style.

116
00:05:44,815 --> 00:05:46,094
Sure, whatever.

117
00:05:46,573 --> 00:05:48,331
Should I mention your name
when I call?

118
00:05:48,731 --> 00:05:49,810
Absolutely.

119
00:05:49,970 --> 00:05:52,886
For every referral,
I get a free travel mug.

120
00:05:53,406 --> 00:05:55,484
Okay, terrific. Thank you, Charlie.

121
00:05:55,684 --> 00:05:57,322
Happy to help.

122
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:59,720
Zippy getting a hooker?

123
00:06:01,518 --> 00:06:04,994
- It would appear so.
- Boy, talk about earning your money.

124
00:06:06,993 --> 00:06:10,829
Look, all you gotta do is call her mother,
talk to her, then ask if Milly's there.

125
00:06:10,988 --> 00:06:12,707
And if she is, you hand me the phone.

126
00:06:12,867 --> 00:06:16,023
- You're not gonna let this go, are you?
- Did you get a look at her?

127
00:06:16,224 --> 00:06:18,341
Jake, buddy, I don't even know
her mother's name.

128
00:06:18,501 --> 00:06:21,298
So? You don't know the name
of half the girls you bring over.

129
00:06:21,458 --> 00:06:23,417
First month I was here,
you called me Jack.

130
00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:28,131
All right, all right.

131
00:06:28,291 --> 00:06:32,288
I will call her, dance around the fact
that I have no idea who the hell she is...

132
00:06:32,447 --> 00:06:33,606
...then hand you the phone.

133
00:06:33,806 --> 00:06:35,724
- Great.
- As long as you're hooking people...

134
00:06:35,884 --> 00:06:37,002
Forget it.

135
00:06:38,201 --> 00:06:39,560
Oh, come on, I'm not picky.

136
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,157
Just find me a young Andy Griffith.

137
00:06:44,875 --> 00:06:46,793
Just remember, I'm doing you a favor.

138
00:06:46,952 --> 00:06:49,990
Don't forget it in a few years
when I ask you to change my diaper.

139
00:06:50,589 --> 00:06:51,668
Okay.

140
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,226
Wait, what?

141
00:06:53,387 --> 00:06:56,264
Hey, hi, it's Charlie.

142
00:06:56,423 --> 00:06:58,302
Yeah, it was great to see you too.

143
00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:00,220
Listen, let me tell you why I'm calling.

144
00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:02,577
I'm sitting here with my nephew...

145
00:07:02,737 --> 00:07:04,575
Yeah, he does like his cake.

146
00:07:05,574 --> 00:07:06,972
Remind her I'm in a band.

147
00:07:07,132 --> 00:07:08,571
Hang on.

148
00:07:08,731 --> 00:07:11,129
- You gonna let me do this?
- You're rambling.

149
00:07:12,048 --> 00:07:14,085
Fine. It's all yours.

150
00:07:17,642 --> 00:07:20,360
Hello, is Milly there?

151
00:07:20,679 --> 00:07:23,156
Oh, okay, well, can you tell her
that Jake Harper called?

152
00:07:23,316 --> 00:07:25,155
The kid with the band?

153
00:07:25,994 --> 00:07:28,551
Really? Sure, I guess so.

154
00:07:28,711 --> 00:07:30,509
Okay, thanks. Bye.

155
00:07:30,669 --> 00:07:33,986
You and me are having dinner with them
on Friday, so you can catch up.

156
00:07:34,585 --> 00:07:35,904
You and me?

157
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:38,581
Just don't clock block me, okay?

158
00:07:41,898 --> 00:07:44,815
- Clock block you?
- That's not it?

159
00:07:46,134 --> 00:07:47,851
No, that's not it.

160
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:55,684
Jake, let's go.

161
00:08:01,678 --> 00:08:04,315
- How do I look?
- Like you should be knocking on doors...

162
00:08:04,515 --> 00:08:07,432
...asking people
if they've heard the good news.

163
00:08:08,751 --> 00:08:10,748
I already told all my friends
I have a date.

164
00:08:12,427 --> 00:08:15,304
Wasn't gonna wear the jacket.
The shirt has mustard on the back.

165
00:08:15,464 --> 00:08:17,701
How did you get mustard
on the back of your shirt?

166
00:08:17,862 --> 00:08:20,339
A kid bet me I couldn't catch a hot dog
behind my back.

167
00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:21,538
Turns out I couldn't.

168
00:08:23,616 --> 00:08:25,694
Is that what you're wearing?

169
00:08:26,253 --> 00:08:28,691
- What's wrong with it?
- Nothing. It's fine.

170
00:08:28,891 --> 00:08:31,928
No, no, no, please, Mr. Blackwell,
I want your opinion.

171
00:08:32,087 --> 00:08:33,885
Would it kill you to tuck your shirt in?

172
00:08:34,045 --> 00:08:36,923
I would, but I just sat
in some Thousand Island dressing.

173
00:08:38,641 --> 00:08:39,759
Been there, done that.

174
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,317
All right. Get in the car.

175
00:08:42,517 --> 00:08:43,955
Alan, we're leaving.

176
00:08:44,115 --> 00:08:45,554
Okay, have fun.

177
00:08:46,194 --> 00:08:48,232
I'm going on a double date
with pumpkin head.

178
00:08:48,471 --> 00:08:50,069
Fun's not an option.

179
00:08:50,270 --> 00:08:52,267
Well, whatever.
I know it means a lot to him.

180
00:08:52,427 --> 00:08:55,744
That's good, because his happiness
is everything to me.

181
00:08:55,904 --> 00:08:57,302
Oh, Charlie, wait.

182
00:08:58,501 --> 00:09:00,539
- Yeah?
- Guess who's coming over tonight.

183
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:02,776
Alexis.

184
00:09:03,056 --> 00:09:04,934
Oh, good for you.

185
00:09:05,094 --> 00:09:07,292
But if you're planning
to use that vegetable oil...

186
00:09:07,452 --> 00:09:09,570
...it's probably gonna run you
an extra hundred.

187
00:09:10,569 --> 00:09:11,887
I'm making French fries.

188
00:09:12,047 --> 00:09:15,404
You know, carb-Ioading
for my upcoming 60-minute dash.

189
00:09:15,963 --> 00:09:16,962
My mistake.

190
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:20,120
But I like how you think.
Kinky and heart-smart.

191
00:09:21,118 --> 00:09:23,316
- Right.
- Wait, wait, wait, one more thing.

192
00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:26,513
- Is this like parking at the mall?
- What?

193
00:09:26,673 --> 00:09:30,070
If I go over five minutes,
do I have to pay for a whole other hour?

194
00:09:31,508 --> 00:09:33,426
No, it's like a tollbooth.

195
00:09:33,586 --> 00:09:36,463
At the end of the hour, a gate
comes down and lops off your penis.

196
00:09:36,623 --> 00:09:37,862
Have fun.

197
00:09:41,458 --> 00:09:42,417
Do me a favor.

198
00:09:42,577 --> 00:09:45,134
If you get a chance,
ask Milly what her mother's name is.

199
00:09:45,294 --> 00:09:46,772
Why don't you ask her?

200
00:09:46,973 --> 00:09:49,690
Because women don't like it
when you forget their names.

201
00:09:49,889 --> 00:09:51,888
Well, then why do you always do it?

202
00:09:52,327 --> 00:09:55,164
Why do you always eat pastrami
when you know it gives you gas?

203
00:09:56,043 --> 00:09:57,921
Because I love pastrami.

204
00:09:58,081 --> 00:09:59,120
Well, there you go.

205
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,718
But I always know it's called pastrami.

206
00:10:02,277 --> 00:10:04,955
- Just ask her.
- Okay.

207
00:10:05,114 --> 00:10:07,472
Now, let's talk about your date.

208
00:10:07,631 --> 00:10:10,748
- You need to get your ducks in a row.
- What do you mean?

209
00:10:10,908 --> 00:10:14,305
If this little girl is important to you,
it'd behoove you to have a plan.

210
00:10:14,465 --> 00:10:16,423
Behoove?

211
00:10:16,543 --> 00:10:17,941
It would benefit you.

212
00:10:18,142 --> 00:10:19,220
Oh, yeah, sure.

213
00:10:19,380 --> 00:10:20,739
What was that thing about ducks?

214
00:10:20,899 --> 00:10:22,337
It's just an expression.

215
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,335
- Well, it's confusing.
- Sorry.

216
00:10:24,495 --> 00:10:26,413
You can't get them in a row.

217
00:10:26,572 --> 00:10:28,331
I know, I know, now just listen to me.

218
00:10:28,491 --> 00:10:30,169
- They're ducks.
- Right.

219
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:32,527
They move willy-nilly.

220
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,125
Shut up.

221
00:10:35,124 --> 00:10:38,042
It would behoove you
to speak nicer to me.

222
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,557
I swear to God, I will open the sunroof,
pick you up with one hand...

223
00:10:42,717 --> 00:10:44,635
...and toss you into the carpool lane.

224
00:10:47,432 --> 00:10:50,749
You know, there's no reason
we couldn't be in the carpool lane.

225
00:10:52,427 --> 00:10:55,224
All right, all right, I'm listening.

226
00:10:55,464 --> 00:10:56,983
Thank you.

227
00:10:57,502 --> 00:10:59,220
Now, three rules.

228
00:10:59,380 --> 00:11:02,497
Number one, dinner with
a beautiful woman is never about food.

229
00:11:02,656 --> 00:11:05,533
- I know, it's about making her like me.
- Very good.

230
00:11:06,253 --> 00:11:09,849
- But there will be food, right?
- Yes.

231
00:11:10,009 --> 00:11:12,088
Because I'm not at my best
when I'm hungry.

232
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,725
Jake, you need to focus here.

233
00:11:14,884 --> 00:11:17,242
It would behoove me to focus.

234
00:11:19,959 --> 00:11:21,997
Sorry, what are the other two rules?

235
00:11:22,437 --> 00:11:24,675
Number two,
eat with your mouth closed.

236
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:27,672
Number three,
pray she has low self-esteem.

237
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:29,470
Number three isn't a rule.

238
00:11:29,629 --> 00:11:31,188
For you, it is.

239
00:11:31,388 --> 00:11:34,745
Fine. Now, let's go over
my three rules.

240
00:11:34,904 --> 00:11:36,023
You've got rules?

241
00:11:36,223 --> 00:11:39,220
Number one, I'd like you not to call me
Mr. Potato Head...

242
00:11:39,380 --> 00:11:41,737
...or SpongeBob SmearPants.

243
00:11:42,217 --> 00:11:43,736
How about Sir Farts a Lot?

244
00:11:45,174 --> 00:11:46,573
No.

245
00:11:47,491 --> 00:11:49,090
Number two, I think it'd be better...

246
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,768
...if I call you Charlie
rather than Uncle Charlie.

247
00:11:51,927 --> 00:11:54,205
Because that way,
we'd be more like equals.

248
00:11:54,405 --> 00:11:57,801
So if we're equal, does that mean
you're gonna split the check with me?

249
00:11:58,401 --> 00:11:59,999
I knew you'd say that, Charlie.

250
00:12:01,517 --> 00:12:02,757
And number three?

251
00:12:04,514 --> 00:12:06,473
Oh, there's only two. I miscounted.

252
00:12:10,325 --> 00:12:14,761
<i>Roxanne, you don 't have to
Put on the red light</i>

253
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,438
<i>Those days are over</i>

254
00:12:17,598 --> 00:12:20,275
<i>You don 't have to
Sell your body to the night</i>

255
00:12:21,354 --> 00:12:23,352
Oh, wait, you do.

256
00:12:28,387 --> 00:12:29,905
Here we go.

257
00:12:30,825 --> 00:12:32,583
Make me proud.

258
00:12:38,137 --> 00:12:39,895
Hey, Alan.

259
00:12:40,056 --> 00:12:41,054
Rose?

260
00:12:41,214 --> 00:12:44,171
Oh, for God's sake,
did Charlie put you up to this?

261
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:46,568
What? Charlie didn't put me up
to anything.

262
00:12:46,729 --> 00:12:49,606
Right, so it's just a coincidence
I'm waiting for a prostitute...

263
00:12:49,766 --> 00:12:51,603
...and you show up at the front door.

264
00:12:51,763 --> 00:12:53,801
You're waiting for a prostitute?

265
00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:56,039
No.

266
00:12:57,078 --> 00:12:59,196
Oh, Alan, that's not like you.

267
00:12:59,356 --> 00:13:01,474
When you've had
your heart broken enough times...

268
00:13:01,634 --> 00:13:04,111
...and you can't bear having
an emotional connection...

269
00:13:04,271 --> 00:13:06,109
...with another human,
what else is there?

270
00:13:06,269 --> 00:13:08,267
A lot of people masturbate, I hear.

271
00:13:09,825 --> 00:13:11,584
Really, I've heard them.

272
00:13:12,942 --> 00:13:15,660
Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs
to feel something...

273
00:13:15,859 --> 00:13:17,418
...other than his own touch.

274
00:13:17,578 --> 00:13:20,175
Have you tried switching hands?

275
00:13:20,455 --> 00:13:23,212
It's like being with a clumsy stranger.

276
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,009
Hi.

277
00:13:26,169 --> 00:13:29,926
Hi, you must be Alan's prostitute.
I'm Rose.

278
00:13:30,085 --> 00:13:32,403
Hi, Rose.
Will you be joining us tonight?

279
00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:35,520
No, you'll just be doing Alan
this evening.

280
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:36,718
Good night, Rose.

281
00:13:36,879 --> 00:13:38,476
Good night.

282
00:13:38,637 --> 00:13:40,075
So come on in.

283
00:13:40,275 --> 00:13:41,314
Sorry I'm a little late.

284
00:13:41,473 --> 00:13:42,993
Oh, that's okay.

285
00:13:43,592 --> 00:13:47,348
As long as it doesn't come out of my,
you know, winky-dink time.

286
00:13:50,545 --> 00:13:53,022
Charlie, you haven't changed a bit
in all these years.

287
00:13:53,182 --> 00:13:57,458
It has been years, hasn't it?
How many years do you think it's been?

288
00:13:57,897 --> 00:13:59,695
I don't know, probably 12.

289
00:14:01,134 --> 00:14:03,492
- And how old are you, honey?
- Fourteen.

290
00:14:03,691 --> 00:14:05,410
Thank heaven.

291
00:14:06,169 --> 00:14:08,806
For little girls.

292
00:14:08,966 --> 00:14:11,443
- So, Milly, do you play dodge ball?
- No.

293
00:14:11,604 --> 00:14:14,121
I enjoy it quite a bit
because it's just man against man...

294
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:16,439
...but with big red balls.

295
00:14:17,878 --> 00:14:20,434
- Lx-nay on the alls-bay.
- What?

296
00:14:20,595 --> 00:14:21,993
Just don't say balls.

297
00:14:23,991 --> 00:14:28,826
So are you living in the same place?

298
00:14:29,026 --> 00:14:30,225
Yeah, still in my condo.

299
00:14:30,384 --> 00:14:31,904
Right, the condo.

300
00:14:32,063 --> 00:14:33,342
Boy, that takes me back.

301
00:14:33,501 --> 00:14:36,778
- I don't think you were ever there.
- That's what I meant.

302
00:14:39,775 --> 00:14:42,293
Takes me back to not being there.

303
00:14:44,171 --> 00:14:46,089
The thing about dodge...

304
00:14:47,407 --> 00:14:51,244
...round things is the thrill of competition
and the deep satisfaction you get...

305
00:14:51,444 --> 00:14:53,801
...when you see a kid's retainer
fly out of his mouth...

306
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:57,438
...when he takes one to the face.
- I hate dodge ball. It's too violent.

307
00:14:57,637 --> 00:14:58,956
You're right. It sucks.

308
00:15:01,553 --> 00:15:04,430
Milly enjoys
painting and writing poetry.

309
00:15:04,631 --> 00:15:05,590
You know, like me.

310
00:15:05,749 --> 00:15:08,746
Of course I know.
How could I not know?

311
00:15:08,946 --> 00:15:12,783
- Are you still doing the whole art thing?
- What do you mean?

312
00:15:12,982 --> 00:15:16,859
I mean, that thing you used to do
with the art.

313
00:15:17,018 --> 00:15:18,736
And the poetry.

314
00:15:19,216 --> 00:15:21,494
Milly, did Jake tell you
he was in a band?

315
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:22,892
Yeah, I'm in a band.

316
00:15:25,809 --> 00:15:27,927
I don't think she has low self-esteem.

317
00:15:31,724 --> 00:15:34,001
Shall we take care of business
before we get started?

318
00:15:34,161 --> 00:15:37,438
Oh, absolutely. No money, no honey.

319
00:15:38,797 --> 00:15:40,595
No looty, no booty.

320
00:15:42,393 --> 00:15:44,830
No cash advance,
I'm not in your pants.

321
00:15:47,228 --> 00:15:49,306
- That was 400, right?
- Five.

322
00:15:49,466 --> 00:15:50,624
Oh, of course.

323
00:15:50,785 --> 00:15:52,543
Why do I think it was four?

324
00:15:55,540 --> 00:16:00,375
Thanks. So, Alan, what do you like?

325
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:02,732
Oh, just about anything.
I'm not finicky.

326
00:16:04,011 --> 00:16:05,290
No limits, huh?

327
00:16:05,449 --> 00:16:10,805
Well, you know, I'm not into animals
or anything near my keister.

328
00:16:11,644 --> 00:16:14,521
Okay, come here.

329
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:15,959
Let's get comfy.

330
00:16:16,119 --> 00:16:17,758
Oh, alrighty.

331
00:16:20,395 --> 00:16:23,951
Baby, you really turn me on.

332
00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:26,109
- Hang on a sec.
- What?

333
00:16:26,269 --> 00:16:29,226
I'm a little bumped
by that "turn me on" part.

334
00:16:29,386 --> 00:16:31,784
I wanna believe you,
but I've been with enough women...

335
00:16:31,983 --> 00:16:33,981
...to know that it doesn't happen
that fast.

336
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:37,178
Sometimes it doesn't happen at all.

337
00:16:37,337 --> 00:16:39,775
Honey, I would not lie to you.

338
00:16:39,935 --> 00:16:41,973
No, no, of course not.
Why would you lie to me?

339
00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:46,649
But I'm just saying it would help...

340
00:16:46,808 --> 00:16:50,725
...if you could tone down the narration
to a more believable level.

341
00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:52,363
- All right.
- Okay.

342
00:16:55,839 --> 00:16:58,596
You are the best kisser.

343
00:16:58,716 --> 00:17:01,193
- Okay, again.
- What?

344
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,111
I happen to know for a fact
that I'm not the best kisser.

345
00:17:04,271 --> 00:17:05,869
Okay, I'm a little confused here.

346
00:17:06,389 --> 00:17:07,628
I'm just not buying it.

347
00:17:07,787 --> 00:17:10,904
And since I am buying it,
I should be able to buy it.

348
00:17:12,383 --> 00:17:15,699
All you have to do is tell the truth.
There's no need for hyperbole.

349
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:18,496
- All right, okay.
- Okay.

350
00:17:19,295 --> 00:17:23,611
Oh, Alan, your lips are so...

351
00:17:23,771 --> 00:17:26,289
...thin and dry.

352
00:17:28,286 --> 00:17:30,324
Okay, now we're cooking.

353
00:17:32,203 --> 00:17:34,121
I think competitive eating
really changed...

354
00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:36,958
...when that Japanese guy
started wetting the hot-dog buns.

355
00:17:37,118 --> 00:17:38,956
I actually figured out that trick myself.

356
00:17:39,116 --> 00:17:40,355
By accident.

357
00:17:42,432 --> 00:17:44,790
So how are your folks doing?

358
00:17:44,950 --> 00:17:46,148
That's not funny, Charlie.

359
00:17:46,309 --> 00:17:50,784
You know, I meant,
how are they doing in heaven?

360
00:17:51,344 --> 00:17:53,621
- What are you talking about?
- Hell?

361
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:56,099
Are you referring to their divorce?

362
00:17:56,259 --> 00:17:59,575
Yes, I am, and divorce is hell.
But after a while, it can be like heaven.

363
00:17:59,775 --> 00:18:02,173
You know, you're even prettier
than I remember.

364
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:05,449
Thank you. And you are just as charming
as the first time we met.

365
00:18:05,650 --> 00:18:07,688
- Oh, you don't remember that.
- I sure do.

366
00:18:07,847 --> 00:18:11,284
- It was a really hot day in July...
- Hot dog eaters are amateurs.

367
00:18:11,483 --> 00:18:15,000
The guys that do pork ribs and spaghetti,
they're the real athletes.

368
00:18:16,279 --> 00:18:18,556
Hey, hey, hey, the lady's talking here.

369
00:18:18,717 --> 00:18:22,232
Oh, right. Milly, Charlie wants to know
what your mom's name is.

370
00:18:24,111 --> 00:18:25,589
You don't remember my name?

371
00:18:25,709 --> 00:18:27,787
What? Of course I do.

372
00:18:27,987 --> 00:18:29,945
You're gonna listen
to SpongeBob SmearPants?

373
00:18:31,983 --> 00:18:36,418
Oh, you wanna play like that, huh,
Mr. Drunky Face.

374
00:18:37,097 --> 00:18:39,096
- What's my name, Charlie?
- Just a sec.

375
00:18:39,255 --> 00:18:41,173
How's your lobster?
Do you need more butter?

376
00:18:41,334 --> 00:18:43,372
Because there's plenty on Jake's shirt.

377
00:18:44,611 --> 00:18:46,369
You have no idea
what my name is, do you?

378
00:18:46,568 --> 00:18:48,246
He doesn't have a clue.

379
00:18:48,447 --> 00:18:51,044
Okay, okay, okay,
I'm not good with names.

380
00:18:51,204 --> 00:18:54,161
But I'll never forget the passionate nights
we spent together.

381
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,518
- We never spent the night together.
- We didn't?

382
00:18:56,678 --> 00:18:59,316
- No.
- Well, no wonder I don't remember you.

383
00:19:00,155 --> 00:19:01,713
Come on, honey, we're leaving.

384
00:19:01,873 --> 00:19:03,991
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

385
00:19:04,190 --> 00:19:05,350
I gotta know.

386
00:19:05,509 --> 00:19:07,427
Who the hell are you?

387
00:19:08,626 --> 00:19:10,385
- Nice going.
- Me?

388
00:19:10,544 --> 00:19:13,502
- You're putting this on me?
- Can I bring you anything else?

389
00:19:13,941 --> 00:19:18,336
Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch,
a taxi and a smarter kid.

390
00:19:18,736 --> 00:19:20,934
Can I have
a chocolate mousse, please?

391
00:19:24,090 --> 00:19:28,766
Oh, come on, I just said I can't believe
I'm the biggest you've ever seen.

392
00:19:28,926 --> 00:19:31,403
I mean, I'm not even the biggest
I've ever seen.

393
00:19:32,122 --> 00:19:34,880
- And I haven't seen that many.
- I'm sorry, I have to go.

394
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,598
- Why?
- I have a headache.

395
00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:38,956
I can work with that.
I was married for 12 years.

396
00:19:39,116 --> 00:19:41,953
Here's your money.
Don't ever call me again.

397
00:19:46,908 --> 00:19:48,586
Okay, second base for free.

398
00:20:07,847 --> 00:20:11,164
So are either of you gonna tell me
how it went tonight?

399
00:20:11,363 --> 00:20:13,121
Ask your bubble-headed son.

400
00:20:13,282 --> 00:20:15,519
Ask your butt-headed brother.

401
00:20:16,279 --> 00:20:17,398
You know what?

402
00:20:17,597 --> 00:20:18,995
I'm not that interested.

403
00:20:19,196 --> 00:20:20,275
I'm going to bed.

404
00:20:21,633 --> 00:20:23,112
Oh, no, stay.

405
00:20:23,272 --> 00:20:25,509
I so enjoy your company.

406
00:20:29,106 --> 00:20:31,144
So how'd it go with Alexis?

407
00:20:31,623 --> 00:20:36,258
Well, I don't wanna brag,
but she wouldn't take my money.