1 00:00:17,936 --> 00:00:19,627 What are you doing? 2 00:00:20,335 --> 00:00:22,223 What does it look like I'm doing? 3 00:00:22,383 --> 00:00:24,009 I'd rather not say. 4 00:00:25,679 --> 00:00:27,687 I'm trying to open these cinnamon buns. 5 00:00:27,855 --> 00:00:30,506 - Why? - I thought I'd try and do a little baking. 6 00:00:31,568 --> 00:00:32,680 Ah. 7 00:00:33,103 --> 00:00:34,477 You drunk? 8 00:00:34,927 --> 00:00:37,000 - Little bit. - Mm. 9 00:00:39,088 --> 00:00:40,778 Why is it childproof? 10 00:00:41,551 --> 00:00:43,526 Are kids OD'ing on this stuff? 11 00:00:43,952 --> 00:00:45,712 Have you considered reading the instructions? 12 00:00:45,776 --> 00:00:47,751 Ooh, listen to Mr. College Boy. 13 00:00:49,839 --> 00:00:53,734 "To open, strike sharply on edge of counter." 14 00:00:53,904 --> 00:00:55,431 - Really? - Really. 15 00:00:57,103 --> 00:00:59,242 All right, I'll play along. 16 00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:04,110 I christen thee HMS Kitchen Table. 17 00:01:04,527 --> 00:01:06,283 Godspeed. 18 00:01:12,688 --> 00:01:14,695 I think we got a bad bun tube. 19 00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:16,951 Give me. 20 00:01:21,296 --> 00:01:22,823 Just gotta know how to whack it. 21 00:01:26,671 --> 00:01:30,020 I bow to your superior expertise. 22 00:01:30,992 --> 00:01:33,861 - So how come you're all spiffed up? - I've got a date. 23 00:01:34,031 --> 00:01:35,973 Oh, two nights in a row. 24 00:01:36,144 --> 00:01:37,932 So who's the glutton for punishment? 25 00:01:38,095 --> 00:01:41,870 At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women. 26 00:01:42,031 --> 00:01:44,071 - Wow, two women. - Yeah. 27 00:01:44,239 --> 00:01:46,727 And yet you're still tooting your own horn. 28 00:01:49,424 --> 00:01:50,438 You know what's fun? 29 00:01:50,607 --> 00:01:53,422 When you can talk them into tooting each other's horns. 30 00:01:53,583 --> 00:01:57,412 - I'm not seeing them at the same time. - Well, that makes it more difficult. 31 00:01:57,583 --> 00:01:58,860 But not impossible. 32 00:02:01,039 --> 00:02:03,756 You put the icing on after it comes out of the oven, right? 33 00:02:03,919 --> 00:02:05,414 Right. Drizzle, don't squeeze. 34 00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:07,471 Thus spake the whacker. 35 00:02:10,896 --> 00:02:14,725 So, what prompted this break from serial monogamy? 36 00:02:14,896 --> 00:02:17,263 I just got tired of putting all my eggs in one basket. 37 00:02:17,424 --> 00:02:19,660 - The basket being a woman? - Yes. 38 00:02:19,823 --> 00:02:21,733 And the eggs being your bun tube? 39 00:02:23,632 --> 00:02:27,112 No. See, the thing is, when I'm just dating one woman at a time... 40 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,222 - if she dumps me- - When she dumps you. 41 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:33,323 Either way, I have to start from scratch finding a new woman. 42 00:02:33,488 --> 00:02:36,237 However, when I'm dating two women, if one of them dumps me- 43 00:02:36,399 --> 00:02:37,708 When one of them dumps you. 44 00:02:39,183 --> 00:02:41,355 Either way, I'm not alone. 45 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:42,861 Wait a second. Wait a second. 46 00:02:43,023 --> 00:02:45,227 You're saying that it's advantageous to date... 47 00:02:45,391 --> 00:02:47,628 more than one woman at a time? 48 00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:50,443 Good lord, man, you're a genius. 49 00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:52,715 Yeah, ha, ha. 50 00:02:52,879 --> 00:02:54,952 We must tell other men. 51 00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:58,692 - Okay, maybe I'm a little late to the party. - A little late? 52 00:02:58,863 --> 00:03:02,245 The girl already jumped out of the cake and everybody's had a piece. 53 00:03:02,415 --> 00:03:03,942 Well, late or not, I'm here. 54 00:03:04,112 --> 00:03:06,479 When it comes to 40-year-old divorced moms... 55 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,876 in the San Fernando Valley, I'm quite the catch. 56 00:03:09,039 --> 00:03:10,501 - I'm not surprised. - You're not? 57 00:03:10,672 --> 00:03:14,348 Lights out at fat camp, a jellybean is steak tartare. 58 00:03:14,799 --> 00:03:19,404 Hey, I'm-I'm single, employed, disease-free, well-read, cute as a bug... 59 00:03:19,568 --> 00:03:22,764 and perfectly capable of pretending to like other people's children. 60 00:03:22,927 --> 00:03:24,837 Impressive. Did these broads know... 61 00:03:25,007 --> 00:03:27,822 that you're dipping your chip in the salsa and the guacamole? 62 00:03:29,039 --> 00:03:30,348 - What? - You know. 63 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,715 Hitting two piñatas with one stick. 64 00:03:33,903 --> 00:03:35,627 Topping off both tanks with the same hose. 65 00:03:36,879 --> 00:03:39,148 Throwing your balls down two alleys. 66 00:03:40,751 --> 00:03:41,929 Still don't get it? 67 00:03:43,407 --> 00:03:46,571 No, I got it, and, uh- And thank you, um, but, no, they don't know. 68 00:03:46,735 --> 00:03:50,183 These are divorced moms trolling for a new schmuck to replace the old schmuck. 69 00:03:50,607 --> 00:03:52,712 And you let them think that might be you? 70 00:03:52,879 --> 00:03:55,694 It's not like I have to lie. Look at me, I scream schmuckdom. 71 00:03:56,879 --> 00:03:59,050 They're rising. It's a miracle. 72 00:03:59,503 --> 00:04:00,965 Yes, the miracle of yeast. 73 00:04:01,135 --> 00:04:02,346 I gotta go. 74 00:04:02,511 --> 00:04:03,722 Go, my son. 75 00:04:03,888 --> 00:04:08,012 Drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the valley. 76 00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:37,742 You're a great cook, Uncle Charlie. 77 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,113 It's no big deal. 78 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,476 Those chefs on TV act like they're curing leprosy or something. 79 00:04:44,816 --> 00:04:46,190 Can you make meatloaf? 80 00:04:46,351 --> 00:04:48,173 Does it come in a tube? 81 00:04:50,799 --> 00:04:53,701 No. God, it comes on a plate. 82 00:05:00,815 --> 00:05:01,863 Can I have some of that? 83 00:05:03,408 --> 00:05:05,612 - Beer? No. - Why not? 84 00:05:05,776 --> 00:05:08,939 Because when you're 14, you don't ask your uncle for beer. 85 00:05:09,327 --> 00:05:10,407 Who do I ask? 86 00:05:11,663 --> 00:05:13,900 I don't know. Uh, try hanging outside a liquor store... 87 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:17,446 and look for a guy wearing house slippers and talking to himself. 88 00:05:18,479 --> 00:05:19,526 What's his name? 89 00:05:25,136 --> 00:05:27,372 You can't have any beer, Jake. 90 00:05:27,663 --> 00:05:29,354 Man, I thought you were cool. 91 00:05:29,519 --> 00:05:31,429 I am. And you know what makes me cool? 92 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,731 The fact that your opinion means less than squat to me. 93 00:05:37,135 --> 00:05:39,142 How old were you when you had your first beer? 94 00:05:39,311 --> 00:05:41,929 Thirteen-Two. Thirty-two. 95 00:05:42,351 --> 00:05:45,799 - Yeah, right. - Listen, we're talking about you. 96 00:05:45,967 --> 00:05:48,934 - What about me? - Well, it's like this. 97 00:05:49,103 --> 00:05:52,518 Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain cells. 98 00:05:55,503 --> 00:05:56,517 Yeah, so? 99 00:05:57,679 --> 00:05:58,759 I rest my case. 100 00:06:04,079 --> 00:06:05,290 What case? 101 00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:17,454 Morning, buddy. How do you like your eggs? 102 00:06:17,615 --> 00:06:19,623 In an Easter basket. 103 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:24,010 Scrambled it is. 104 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:25,419 - Morning. - Morning. 105 00:06:25,583 --> 00:06:27,176 - What you doing? - Cooking breakfast. 106 00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:29,514 - How do you like your eggs? - Sunny side up. 107 00:06:29,679 --> 00:06:30,726 Scrambled it is. 108 00:06:32,143 --> 00:06:33,931 " Cooking for Dummies "? 109 00:06:34,095 --> 00:06:36,746 No offense, Jake. I'm actually cooking for everybody. 110 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:40,807 What brought this on? 111 00:06:41,807 --> 00:06:44,295 I don't know. I thought I'd expand my horizons a bit. 112 00:06:44,495 --> 00:06:46,405 Uh-huh. 113 00:06:47,791 --> 00:06:49,701 - What? - I'm just trying to figure out... 114 00:06:49,871 --> 00:06:52,718 how scrambled eggs are gonna get you laid. 115 00:06:53,423 --> 00:06:54,950 - You and me both. - Ha. 116 00:06:57,359 --> 00:06:58,886 I got it. 117 00:07:00,623 --> 00:07:01,801 Hello? 118 00:07:01,967 --> 00:07:03,876 Oh. Oh, hi, Stephanie. 119 00:07:04,911 --> 00:07:07,693 Yeah, yeah, I, uh- I had a great time too. 120 00:07:07,856 --> 00:07:09,994 Yes, it was special. 121 00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:12,256 Uh, I don't usually do that on a first date either. 122 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,837 Thank you for letting me do that, by the way. 123 00:07:20,079 --> 00:07:23,462 - Uh, uh, tonight? Uh, oh, gee. Uh- CHARLIE: Hey, Alan. 124 00:07:23,631 --> 00:07:25,289 - How do you like your eggs? - Uh, uh, one sec. 125 00:07:25,455 --> 00:07:29,067 Um, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I made a date with Katie. 126 00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,757 Scrambled it is. 127 00:07:32,431 --> 00:07:33,431 Um... 128 00:07:33,935 --> 00:07:36,455 Uh, uh, the thing is, uh, I already made plans... 129 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:39,787 uh, with my, uh, you know, son, who I love dearly. 130 00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:42,637 - What are we doing? - Nothing. Go away. 131 00:07:43,567 --> 00:07:45,226 Oh, oh, what are we doing? 132 00:07:45,391 --> 00:07:48,075 Uh, uh, well, he and I have this, uh, this father-son thing... 133 00:07:48,239 --> 00:07:49,599 uh, where, once a week, we, uh- 134 00:07:49,711 --> 00:07:52,461 - Rent go-karts. - Rent go-karts, and, uh- And, uh- 135 00:07:52,623 --> 00:07:54,510 - Eat pizza. - And eat pizza. And, uh- And- 136 00:07:54,671 --> 00:07:55,831 - And drink beer. - And drink- 137 00:07:55,887 --> 00:07:57,229 Go away. 138 00:07:58,447 --> 00:08:01,414 Uh, and drink, uh, a lot of water... 139 00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:03,688 which the body needs to, uh, to stay healthy. 140 00:08:03,855 --> 00:08:06,440 Um, anyway, we're on for Saturday, right? 141 00:08:06,959 --> 00:08:09,894 Oh, okay. Uh, uh, great, great. Good. I'll see you then. 142 00:08:10,063 --> 00:08:11,437 Okay, bye. 143 00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:15,500 - We're not going go-karting, are we? - No. 144 00:08:16,591 --> 00:08:19,493 You're using me for your own purposes, aren't you? 145 00:08:20,271 --> 00:08:21,929 Here's $20. 146 00:08:23,119 --> 00:08:24,941 Hey, Alan, taste these. 147 00:08:28,207 --> 00:08:30,149 Why does it smell like bourbon? 148 00:08:30,991 --> 00:08:33,130 The book said, "Season to taste." 149 00:08:35,951 --> 00:08:37,707 Just kidding, I spilled. 150 00:08:39,055 --> 00:08:40,055 No, thank you. 151 00:08:40,591 --> 00:08:41,638 Suit yourself. 152 00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:44,364 CHARLIE: Hmm. 153 00:08:44,527 --> 00:08:46,731 A little too much egg. 154 00:08:50,607 --> 00:08:53,706 Jake, let's go. I told your mother I'd have you back by 7. 155 00:08:53,871 --> 00:08:56,140 Hey, Alan, Alan, Alan. 156 00:08:57,903 --> 00:08:59,528 Would you taste my hollandaise sauce? 157 00:09:00,239 --> 00:09:02,410 - You made hollandaise sauce? - You tell me. 158 00:09:06,639 --> 00:09:08,581 You did not make hollandaise sauce. 159 00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:11,560 Damn you, eggs Benedict. 160 00:09:12,431 --> 00:09:13,860 Charlie, why are you doing this? 161 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:16,458 - Doing what? - In the six years I have been here... 162 00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:19,819 the only time I've seen you turn on the stove was to light a cigar. 163 00:09:20,111 --> 00:09:22,118 Yeah, well, people grow, people change. 164 00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:25,069 People get drunk while watching the Food Network. 165 00:09:25,647 --> 00:09:27,240 Jake, let's go! 166 00:09:27,407 --> 00:09:28,688 Uh, I may not be back till late. 167 00:09:28,783 --> 00:09:31,143 Uh, I'm planning on giving my rose to Bachelorette Number 2. 168 00:09:32,495 --> 00:09:36,357 Wow. Only you could gay up banging two women. 169 00:09:41,519 --> 00:09:44,421 Says the man in the apron with the curdled hollandaise sauce. 170 00:09:44,591 --> 00:09:46,860 So you admit it is hollandaise sauce. 171 00:09:47,023 --> 00:09:49,227 Drop me off at Gabe's house so we can study. 172 00:09:49,390 --> 00:09:51,213 - Oh, you're really gonna study? - Sure. 173 00:09:51,375 --> 00:09:52,375 Great. 174 00:09:52,527 --> 00:09:55,276 See that? He respects me enough to lie to me. 175 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:57,735 Hey, Alan, speaking of lies. 176 00:09:57,903 --> 00:10:00,870 At some point, one of these broads is gonna ask you a question... 177 00:10:01,039 --> 00:10:02,697 for which you will have no answer. 178 00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:04,521 - Like what? - It could be as simple as: 179 00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:05,964 "What did you do last night?" 180 00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:10,021 Or as tricky as, "Why is there a pasty stuck to your testicles?" 181 00:10:12,207 --> 00:10:14,280 The point is, you need to be careful. 182 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,171 You're gonna teach me to lie to women? 183 00:10:16,335 --> 00:10:18,571 Well, do you know enough to pull the pasty off... 184 00:10:18,735 --> 00:10:20,361 and say, "Happy anniversary"? 185 00:10:22,319 --> 00:10:23,628 I do now. 186 00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:26,246 You need to remember: always answer a question... 187 00:10:26,415 --> 00:10:27,528 with another question. 188 00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:29,734 - What do you mean? - Exactly. 189 00:10:30,895 --> 00:10:32,488 - What? - Great, you're all set. 190 00:10:34,095 --> 00:10:35,240 - Drunk again? - Yep. 191 00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:38,167 Well, uh, thank you. 192 00:10:38,319 --> 00:10:40,261 - Uh, I appreciate the advice. - I've got more. 193 00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:42,536 Uh, Charlie, please don't take this the wrong way... 194 00:10:42,703 --> 00:10:45,069 but if a semi-functioning wino such as yourself... 195 00:10:45,231 --> 00:10:49,387 can date several women at the same time, I'm quite certain I can handle two. 196 00:10:52,335 --> 00:10:54,342 Why would I take that the wrong way? 197 00:10:56,942 --> 00:11:00,685 Ugh. Tastes like stale ass. 198 00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:09,414 Mm. Oh. Is it just me, or does this thing we have feel really, really comfortable? 199 00:11:09,583 --> 00:11:10,892 - Oh, yeah. - Ha, ha. 200 00:11:11,055 --> 00:11:13,673 I mean, you know, maybe not pet-names-for-our-pee-parts comfortable... 201 00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:15,520 but, uh, we're certainly getting there. 202 00:11:17,263 --> 00:11:21,867 Oh, hey, next week, my ex is taking my daughter to see his parents... 203 00:11:22,031 --> 00:11:24,933 so you and I can spend the whole weekend in bed. 204 00:11:26,254 --> 00:11:27,432 That sounds great. 205 00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:28,960 I'll leave myself alone till then. 206 00:11:32,366 --> 00:11:33,414 Oh, oh, oh. Wait, wait. 207 00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:35,949 Uh-Uh, uh, next weekend? 208 00:11:36,111 --> 00:11:38,566 Ahh, uh, you know, ah, I'll have to check... 209 00:11:38,734 --> 00:11:41,036 but I think Saturday is, uh... 210 00:11:41,199 --> 00:11:43,054 a working Saturday for me. 211 00:11:43,215 --> 00:11:44,524 Oh, no, really? 212 00:11:44,687 --> 00:11:47,305 Yeah, yeah. It's unfortunate, but in today's economic climate... 213 00:11:47,470 --> 00:11:51,267 uh, Saturday is no longer the Sabbath for anybody, except religious Jewish people. 214 00:11:51,439 --> 00:11:53,675 You know, the guys with the beards and the hats. 215 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:57,548 Uh, did you see Yentl? I love that movie. That's one I wouldn't mind owning. 216 00:11:59,183 --> 00:12:00,972 Alan, are you seeing another woman? 217 00:12:03,311 --> 00:12:05,929 Charlie, are you seeing another woman? 218 00:12:06,095 --> 00:12:07,557 Why would you ask me that? 219 00:12:07,982 --> 00:12:10,404 I just need to know I can trust you. 220 00:12:10,575 --> 00:12:13,062 Yeah, well, trust is a two-way street. 221 00:12:13,519 --> 00:12:16,007 - I know. - Do you? 222 00:12:16,174 --> 00:12:19,557 Because without trust, all we have is sex. 223 00:12:21,487 --> 00:12:23,243 Well, you can trust me, Charlie. 224 00:12:23,407 --> 00:12:25,000 God, I hope so. 225 00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:26,508 I've been hurt before. 226 00:12:27,727 --> 00:12:31,622 Aw. Well, I won't hurt you. I promise. 227 00:12:31,790 --> 00:12:33,700 Okay, then. 228 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,598 - Another woman? - Yeah. 229 00:12:38,767 --> 00:12:40,490 Well, uh-Oh, you think I'm involved... 230 00:12:40,655 --> 00:12:42,444 - with another woman? Heh. - Yeah. 231 00:12:42,607 --> 00:12:44,549 You actually think I'm seeing someone else... 232 00:12:44,718 --> 00:12:46,726 - at the same time I'm seeing you? - Yeah. 233 00:12:46,894 --> 00:12:48,520 How did you know? 234 00:12:52,591 --> 00:12:53,900 Uh, do you need to get that? 235 00:12:54,062 --> 00:12:56,234 - Are you crazy? - Mm. Ha. 236 00:12:56,399 --> 00:12:57,860 CHARLIE Hey, it's Charlie. 237 00:12:58,031 --> 00:13:00,005 Do your thing when you hear the beep. 238 00:13:01,742 --> 00:13:03,847 JAKE: Hey, Uncle Charlie, it's me, Jakey. 239 00:13:04,015 --> 00:13:05,390 I'm drunk. How are you? 240 00:13:07,023 --> 00:13:10,634 Are you with a girl? Does she have big ones? 241 00:13:11,311 --> 00:13:12,521 Jake, where are you? 242 00:13:14,222 --> 00:13:15,848 What mall? 243 00:13:16,687 --> 00:13:19,654 They all have pretzel stands, you doofus. 244 00:13:21,263 --> 00:13:24,492 Okay, you stay right where you are, and I'll come get you. 245 00:13:25,423 --> 00:13:26,667 We'll talk about that later. 246 00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:29,865 They're big enough. 247 00:13:31,887 --> 00:13:33,742 I love you too, buddy. 248 00:13:34,638 --> 00:13:36,199 Yeah, we have shared some good memories. 249 00:13:38,159 --> 00:13:40,745 Okay, I'm hanging up now. 250 00:13:41,391 --> 00:13:43,147 Do you have to go? 251 00:13:44,398 --> 00:13:46,187 No, we got time. 252 00:13:52,622 --> 00:13:55,011 What the heck took you so long? 253 00:13:55,183 --> 00:13:57,932 Believe me, I came as quickly as I could. 254 00:13:58,382 --> 00:13:59,593 What the hell is that? 255 00:13:59,758 --> 00:14:02,792 - Soft pretzel. You want some? - No, thanks. 256 00:14:03,215 --> 00:14:05,037 It's got jalapeños. 257 00:14:05,455 --> 00:14:06,665 You're gonna regret that. 258 00:14:07,151 --> 00:14:09,420 - What do you mean? - You'll see. 259 00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:11,012 Where'd you get the booze? 260 00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:12,524 I did what you told me to do. 261 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:15,436 Me and Gabe gave money to a creepy guy to buy us beer. 262 00:14:15,599 --> 00:14:16,614 Oh, Jake. 263 00:14:16,782 --> 00:14:19,051 His name was Satellite Jack. 264 00:14:19,214 --> 00:14:21,189 He said the government stole his kidneys. 265 00:14:22,094 --> 00:14:24,298 Is $20 too much for a six-pack? 266 00:14:24,910 --> 00:14:28,772 Not when a guy with no kidneys named Satellite Jack is buying it for you. 267 00:14:29,039 --> 00:14:30,468 Where'd you get the $20? 268 00:14:30,639 --> 00:14:32,908 - It was a bribe from my father. - You're kidding. 269 00:14:33,071 --> 00:14:36,202 I know. For a cheap guy, he can be surprisingly generous. 270 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:38,294 That's true. 271 00:14:38,766 --> 00:14:41,068 Deep down, I love him. 272 00:14:42,031 --> 00:14:44,453 And I love you too. 273 00:14:44,622 --> 00:14:47,754 Great, great. Everybody loves everybody. 274 00:14:48,399 --> 00:14:49,577 So where's your friend? 275 00:14:49,743 --> 00:14:54,053 Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up. The bat rastard. 276 00:14:54,830 --> 00:14:56,074 - Get out of the car. - What? 277 00:14:56,238 --> 00:14:58,126 I just had it detailed. Get out, get out. 278 00:14:58,287 --> 00:15:01,004 All right, but I'm telling you, I'm all done throwing up. 279 00:15:03,310 --> 00:15:06,856 Ugh, I see what you mean about those jalapeños. 280 00:15:08,110 --> 00:15:10,598 My mom still thinks I'm studying at Gabe's house... 281 00:15:10,767 --> 00:15:13,734 so I don't think I should go home at this time. 282 00:15:13,903 --> 00:15:15,561 Well, what do you expect to do? 283 00:15:15,727 --> 00:15:18,542 I don't know. You up for an R-rated movie? 284 00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:21,293 Boobies, no violence. 285 00:15:23,278 --> 00:15:24,278 Uh-oh. 286 00:15:24,430 --> 00:15:25,707 Step away from the car. 287 00:15:27,214 --> 00:15:29,931 - Nope, false alarm. - Wait for it. 288 00:15:30,094 --> 00:15:31,094 Wait for what? 289 00:15:33,359 --> 00:15:35,748 Oh, how about that? 290 00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:39,053 - You get any on your shoes? - A little. 291 00:15:41,262 --> 00:15:42,953 There's a plastic bag in the trunk. 292 00:15:43,119 --> 00:15:45,258 Remove your shoes and place them in the bag... 293 00:15:45,423 --> 00:15:47,692 then seal it and put it back in the trunk. 294 00:15:47,855 --> 00:15:49,164 Okay. 295 00:15:49,327 --> 00:15:50,636 Then climb in after it. 296 00:15:50,799 --> 00:15:52,293 Okay. 297 00:16:07,086 --> 00:16:09,094 - Alan. - Surprise. Ha, ha. 298 00:16:09,262 --> 00:16:11,237 I thought you were with your son, go-karting. 299 00:16:11,695 --> 00:16:13,931 Yeah, uh, listen, um... 300 00:16:14,095 --> 00:16:15,110 I lied about that. 301 00:16:15,278 --> 00:16:17,253 But, you know, I can't lie anymore. 302 00:16:17,423 --> 00:16:21,285 I was with another woman, but all I could think about was you. 303 00:16:21,455 --> 00:16:25,546 I'm a one-woman man, and, baby, you're that woman. 304 00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:28,363 Who is it, honey? - Just a salesman. 305 00:16:28,527 --> 00:16:29,607 Go away. 306 00:16:29,774 --> 00:16:31,563 - Are you seeing someone else? - Get lost. 307 00:16:31,727 --> 00:16:34,694 But I thought we had something special. 308 00:16:34,862 --> 00:16:37,644 Who's in there? Are you married? Because I really thought I- 309 00:17:01,966 --> 00:17:04,617 You know, your body's sending you a message. 310 00:17:04,782 --> 00:17:07,816 Yeah, it's saying I should really chew my food more. 311 00:17:08,655 --> 00:17:11,851 Look at that shrimp. You could wash it off and serve it again. 312 00:17:13,070 --> 00:17:15,754 Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison. 313 00:17:15,919 --> 00:17:18,122 If it's poison, why do you drink it? 314 00:17:18,286 --> 00:17:21,734 Because there are things inside of me I need to kill. 315 00:17:22,255 --> 00:17:24,164 You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol... 316 00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:26,341 - Uncle Charlie. - Right. 317 00:17:26,510 --> 00:17:28,615 And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. 318 00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:30,473 Believe me, I've tried. 319 00:17:30,639 --> 00:17:32,133 I'm sure you have. 320 00:17:32,303 --> 00:17:34,943 If you ever need to talk about any of this stuff, I'm here for you. 321 00:17:37,199 --> 00:17:38,606 Good to know. 322 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,767 Whoa, I felt that one in my nuts. 323 00:17:42,351 --> 00:17:44,685 Hello? Anybody home? 324 00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:46,123 Are you gonna rat me out? 325 00:17:46,287 --> 00:17:48,840 Jake, buddy, how could you even ask me that? 326 00:17:57,807 --> 00:18:00,043 Hey, what's going on? 327 00:18:01,007 --> 00:18:04,356 Jake took the 20 bucks you gave him and got drunk with a friend. 328 00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:09,544 Oh. 329 00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:13,035 Bad boy. 330 00:18:21,871 --> 00:18:24,172 So how about a beer? 331 00:18:35,726 --> 00:18:38,344 Never again. 332 00:18:39,214 --> 00:18:41,036 Me neither. 333 00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:44,484 You know what the problem is? 334 00:18:44,655 --> 00:18:46,411 The women, the drinking? 335 00:18:46,862 --> 00:18:49,318 You guys look at me and you think it's easy. 336 00:18:49,774 --> 00:18:53,123 What you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took... 337 00:18:53,295 --> 00:18:56,775 to make me the happy-go-lucky drunken ass-wrangler I am today. 338 00:18:58,670 --> 00:19:00,012 INGRID: Charlie? 339 00:19:00,175 --> 00:19:02,564 Oh, sorry, baby. I had a little family drama. 340 00:19:02,735 --> 00:19:05,069 Remember, you said if I gave you what you want... 341 00:19:05,230 --> 00:19:06,921 you'd give me what I want. 342 00:19:07,087 --> 00:19:09,291 Right, breakfast in bed. 343 00:19:10,606 --> 00:19:12,875 - How do you like your eggs? - Scrambled. 344 00:19:13,551 --> 00:19:15,045 Yes. 345 00:19:20,079 --> 00:19:22,500 You know, young man... 346 00:19:22,926 --> 00:19:27,181 if I hadn't had been electrocuted earlier this evening... 347 00:19:27,343 --> 00:19:30,954 you and I'd be having a serious talk right now. 348 00:19:31,695 --> 00:19:33,931 Yeah, hold on.