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NARRATOR:
<i>Previously on</i> Two and a Half <i>Men:</i>

2
00:00:02,577 --> 00:00:06,206
- So how's Charlie doing?
- Oh, he's fine. Actually, he's engaged.

3
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:09,043
You told her I was engaged?
Why would you do that?

4
00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:11,515
Charlie, there's a woman named Mia
on the phone.

5
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:14,449
I'll take it.

6
00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:16,853
WOMAN:
Hi, Charlie.

7
00:00:19,027 --> 00:00:20,585
Mia.

8
00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:27,857
- So how are you?
- Great. How are you?

9
00:00:28,036 --> 00:00:30,698
- Fine, fine.
- Still engaged.

10
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Come, sit, join us.

11
00:00:34,876 --> 00:00:38,004
- Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
- No, no, of course not.

12
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Yeah, his fiancée just left.

13
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- Sorry I missed her.
- She's in the parking lot. I'll get her.

14
00:00:44,919 --> 00:00:48,787
So, what's going on with you these days?
You still dancing?

15
00:00:48,990 --> 00:00:50,924
I'm a little old for ballet now.

16
00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:53,287
Oh, that can't be right.
You look great.

17
00:00:53,494 --> 00:00:57,123
Young and vibrant and taut.

18
00:00:58,866 --> 00:01:01,699
You know who else has a great body?
Charlie's fiancée.

19
00:01:01,869 --> 00:01:04,201
In fact,
Charlie calls her "boobalicious."

20
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I'm really happy you found somebody.

21
00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:10,471
Thank you. She's great.
Really, really great.

22
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Boobalicious.

23
00:01:14,615 --> 00:01:16,606
If you're not dancing,
what are you up to?

24
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I'm trying for a singing career.

25
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No kidding. That's terrific.

26
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- You know who's a wonderful singer?
- Charlie's fiancée?

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Actually I was gonna say
Ms. Celine Dion.

28
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I have no idea about Chelsea.

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Although she does have
a set of lungs on her.

30
00:01:34,435 --> 00:01:35,595
Right.

31
00:01:35,770 --> 00:01:38,136
Listen, I'm putting together
a demo of some songs.

32
00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:41,639
Any chance you could help me
with arrangements, maybe play piano?

33
00:01:41,943 --> 00:01:44,468
Oh, wow. That sounds like fun.

34
00:01:44,645 --> 00:01:49,139
It's just, you know,
kind of awkward because, you know...

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He's getting married.

36
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- I can find you somebody else.
- Terrific.

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- Let me give you my number.
- You still at 696-336-725?

38
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:01,352
Yeah. I can't believe you remember it.

39
00:02:01,562 --> 00:02:03,427
Well, I have a little memory trick.

40
00:02:03,598 --> 00:02:06,999
You change the numbers to letters,
it spells out "oxofempal."

41
00:02:08,102 --> 00:02:09,433
Oh, good trick.

42
00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:13,933
I should get going.
Wonderful to see you again.

43
00:02:14,108 --> 00:02:15,700
Same here.

44
00:02:15,877 --> 00:02:17,435
- You too, Alan.
- Bye-bye.

45
00:02:20,481 --> 00:02:22,711
- Charlie?
- Yeah.

46
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:24,579
I've missed you.

47
00:02:34,862 --> 00:02:36,523
"Oxofempal"?

48
00:02:40,701 --> 00:02:43,329
Hot! Hot! Hot! Aah!

49
00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:48,038
You have to dial 1 first.

50
00:03:00,688 --> 00:03:03,452
Hey, Berta,
what do you know about Percocet?

51
00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:06,420
Three of them
with a Mickey's Big Mouth...

52
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...can make you run buck-naked
through a Taco Bell.

53
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Why do you ask?

54
00:03:12,033 --> 00:03:14,399
Mom says Grandma Lenore
can't hold the new baby...

55
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,127
...until she stops popping them.

56
00:03:16,304 --> 00:03:18,033
That's probably a good idea.

57
00:03:18,206 --> 00:03:21,607
You drop one kid,
you gain a reputation as a kid-dropper.

58
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,640
So how do you like
having a new baby sister?

59
00:03:24,812 --> 00:03:27,975
Well, she eats, she sleeps, she poops.
So far, I'm not impressed.

60
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Give her a bad haircut
and she'd be you.

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Excuse me,
but I paid 9 bucks for this haircut.

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Sorry.

63
00:03:38,826 --> 00:03:41,317
Besides, the baby doesn't look
anything like me.

64
00:03:41,495 --> 00:03:44,623
In fact, she doesn't look
like my mom or my stepdad, either.

65
00:03:44,799 --> 00:03:46,096
Who does she look like?

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00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:50,093
Kind of like
a girl version of my dad.

67
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I thought your dad
was the girl version of your dad.

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00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:59,568
I'm telling you, Charlie,
this is a bad idea.

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What's the big deal?
I'm just gonna find her a piano player.

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00:04:02,850 --> 00:04:04,408
I saw the way you looked at her.

71
00:04:04,585 --> 00:04:06,917
You say piano player,
but you mean organist.

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That's ridiculous.
I'm engaged to Chelsea.

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I'm living with Chelsea.
I'm in love with Chelsea.

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- What's Chelsea's phone number?
- What?

75
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What does it spell?
Your little memory trick.

76
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Oh, uh...

77
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It's "jklpuzo."

78
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:27,638
Really? Okay, let's test it out.

79
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Is that 818-JKLPUZO...

80
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...or 310-JKLPUZO?

81
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All right, I made it up.

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I don't have to call Chelsea,
she lives here.

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You don't have to call Mia, either.

84
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Oh, yeah?
Well, what about you and Melissa?

85
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What does that
have to do with anything?

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Nothing. I'm changing the subject
to your peccadilloes.

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You were banging Melissa
in the storage closet...

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...while your ex-wife was giving birth.

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- We don't know she's my daughter.
JAKE: Who's your daughter?

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[IMITATING AL PACINO]
You're my daughter, I'm your daughter...

91
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...this whole court is out of daughter!

92
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[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Al Pacino. It's a great movie.

93
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[IMITATES PACINO]
Hoo-ah!

94
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[IN NORMAL VOICE]
See that one?

95
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That was close.

96
00:05:20,928 --> 00:05:22,054
Good thing he's slow.

97
00:05:22,229 --> 00:05:25,562
Yeah, well, Judith's mom dropped him
when he was a baby.

98
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[BOTH PANTING]

99
00:05:33,174 --> 00:05:34,573
Wow.

100
00:05:35,576 --> 00:05:37,305
Yeah.

101
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What brought that on?

102
00:05:41,949 --> 00:05:44,577
You're the one
who started talking dirty.

103
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All I said was, "What'd you do today?"

104
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There you go again, you nasty girl.

105
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Okay, seriously.

106
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What did you do today?

107
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Nothing. Just a regular day.

108
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Had coffee with you,
hung out with Alan a little bit...

109
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...then came home, had a drink,
took a nap...

110
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...next thing I know you're walking
in the front door with your whore talk.

111
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All right, whatever.

112
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- Oh, yeah, there was one other thing.
- Really.

113
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Yeah. I ran into an old buddy.

114
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- What's her name?
- Her? Why do you assume it's a her?

115
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When you've seen your old guy friends,
you don't try to hump me into a coma.

116
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Fair point. It was Mia.

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- Mia, the old buddy you almost married?
- Yeah.

118
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- And?
- And nothing.

119
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She did ask me if I'd help her out
with this music thing she's doing.

120
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- But I said no.
- How come?

121
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I thought it'd be inappropriate.

122
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- Why? You still have feelings for her?
- No, no, of course not.

123
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- Then why wouldn't you help her out?
- What?

124
00:06:59,693 --> 00:07:03,151
I mean, if she's just a friend,
then why would it be inappropriate?

125
00:07:05,166 --> 00:07:06,963
Okay.

126
00:07:08,002 --> 00:07:10,766
Uh... No reason.

127
00:07:10,938 --> 00:07:15,170
- So you're saying I should help her out?
- Unless you still have feelings for her.

128
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I guess I'll help her.

129
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- Good.
- Good.

130
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Or bad.

131
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Probably bad.

132
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I'm gonna go with bad.

133
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MELISSA:
Hi, Charlie.

134
00:07:40,568 --> 00:07:43,332
We were having a moonlight skinny-dip
in the ocean.

135
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,404
Good thinking.
Nothing more romantic...

136
00:07:45,573 --> 00:07:48,440
...than seaweed hanging
from a cold, shriveled penis.

137
00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:50,367
There's no seaweed.

138
00:07:50,544 --> 00:07:52,034
Oh, my!

139
00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:59,210
- Don't put it on the table!
- Sorry.

140
00:07:59,386 --> 00:08:01,718
Alan, what do you say
we take a hot shower...

141
00:08:01,889 --> 00:08:04,824
...and unshrink the Snuffleupagus?

142
00:08:04,992 --> 00:08:08,155
He'll be fine, it's Bert and Ernie
I'm worried about.

143
00:08:08,329 --> 00:08:11,856
I think Bert has ascended to my rib cage.
Go ahead. I'll be right there.

144
00:08:12,032 --> 00:08:13,397
- Okey-doke.
- Okay.

145
00:08:16,337 --> 00:08:17,736
Hey, can I ask you something?

146
00:08:17,905 --> 00:08:20,499
I am not gonna help you
find your missing testicle.

147
00:08:20,975 --> 00:08:23,842
- No, it's about Melissa.
- What about her?

148
00:08:24,011 --> 00:08:26,070
Now that we're seeing
each other again...

149
00:08:26,247 --> 00:08:29,273
...the fact that she lives with her mom
presents a problem.

150
00:08:29,483 --> 00:08:31,849
Why, because you tickled
Mom's Elmo?

151
00:08:33,053 --> 00:08:36,887
It was just light necking.
I never touched her Elmo.

152
00:08:37,691 --> 00:08:41,354
Anyway, since you've set the precedent
of having girlfriends move in here...

153
00:08:41,529 --> 00:08:43,793
...I was wondering if maybe...
- No.

154
00:08:44,498 --> 00:08:49,526
- Why not? You let Chelsea move in.
- It's my house. You are a guest.

155
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:52,638
By "guest" I mean
"leech I tolerate until our mother dies...

156
00:08:52,806 --> 00:08:56,139
...and she can't lay a guilt trip on me
for kicking you to the curb."

157
00:08:56,310 --> 00:08:57,902
You're gonna kick me out
when Mom dies?

158
00:08:58,078 --> 00:09:00,273
You're planning on being here
until Mom dies?

159
00:09:00,447 --> 00:09:02,142
Okay, we're getting off-subject.

160
00:09:02,316 --> 00:09:06,218
- What about Jake? You let Jake move in.
- You're not helping your case here.

161
00:09:06,387 --> 00:09:08,821
- But I'm just saying I ca...
- I said, no!

162
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:15,924
Hm. Hey, Bert, welcome back.

163
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:22,925
[PLAYING PIANO]

164
00:09:27,808 --> 00:09:29,833
[SINGING]
<i>You'll never find</i>

165
00:09:31,512 --> 00:09:33,810
<i>As long as you live</i>

166
00:09:35,216 --> 00:09:37,275
<i>Someone who loves you</i>

167
00:09:38,052 --> 00:09:41,351
<i>Tender like I do</i>

168
00:09:44,391 --> 00:09:46,416
<i>You'll never find</i>

169
00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:50,790
<i>No matter where you search</i>

170
00:09:52,132 --> 00:09:54,657
<i>Someone who cares about you</i>

171
00:09:54,835 --> 00:09:58,362
<i>The way I do</i>

172
00:10:00,541 --> 00:10:03,601
<i>Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby</i>

173
00:10:04,712 --> 00:10:07,977
<i>'Cause I'm the one who loves you</i>
<i>And there's no one else</i>

174
00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:12,551
<i>No one else</i>

175
00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:20,623
That's a pretty mouth,
but it ain't made for singing.

176
00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:23,092
- What's it made for?
- Eating.

177
00:10:23,530 --> 00:10:24,827
Oh.

178
00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:26,660
I thought maybe she meant oral sex.

179
00:10:29,069 --> 00:10:30,832
<i>You're gonna miss my lovin'</i>

180
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:36,966
<i>You're gonna miss, miss, miss my love</i>

181
00:10:39,313 --> 00:10:40,473
So?

182
00:10:41,548 --> 00:10:42,981
Wow.

183
00:10:43,350 --> 00:10:45,818
- You wanna run it again?
- I don't.

184
00:10:46,754 --> 00:10:49,689
I mean, there's a danger
of over-rehearsing it.

185
00:10:49,857 --> 00:10:51,518
Yeah. Plus, I kind of nailed it, right?

186
00:10:52,393 --> 00:10:54,486
I don't see it getting any better.

187
00:10:54,995 --> 00:10:58,192
That is so sweet, Charlie.
Thank you.

188
00:10:58,365 --> 00:11:00,356
I don't know
how I'd do this without you.

189
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:02,058
Hey, I don't deserve any credit.

190
00:11:02,236 --> 00:11:05,501
God gave you that voice.
I had nothing to do with it.

191
00:11:07,007 --> 00:11:09,134
- Oh, hello.
- Oh, hey, hi.

192
00:11:10,411 --> 00:11:13,505
There she is.
Chelsea, this is Mia. Mia, this is Chelsea.

193
00:11:13,681 --> 00:11:15,080
- Hi.
MIA: Hi.

194
00:11:15,249 --> 00:11:18,377
- We were just rehearsing.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

195
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:22,386
What? No, there's nothing to interrupt.
She's singing, and I'm playing piano.

196
00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:25,957
Alan, Berta and Jake are in the kitchen.
Guys, Chelsea's home.

197
00:11:26,126 --> 00:11:27,787
ALL:
Hey.

198
00:11:29,430 --> 00:11:30,920
- I should get going.
- Good.

199
00:11:31,365 --> 00:11:34,960
I mean, you don't have to, but good.
Rehearsal was good.

200
00:11:35,169 --> 00:11:37,137
You've got yourself a terrific guy here.

201
00:11:37,304 --> 00:11:39,363
- I know. Nice to meet you.
- You too.

202
00:11:39,540 --> 00:11:41,804
- I'll see you Saturday at the studio?
CHARLIE: You bet.

203
00:11:41,975 --> 00:11:43,067
[SINGING]
<i>You'll never find...</i>

204
00:11:43,243 --> 00:11:45,370
No, no. Save your voice.

205
00:11:49,717 --> 00:11:50,911
Yikes.

206
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,211
So how'd it go?

207
00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:55,711
Well, um, how can I put this?

208
00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:58,585
She's the picture you stick
on the cover of an album...

209
00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:00,727
...by a fat girl who can actually sing.

210
00:12:01,328 --> 00:12:05,424
That's not what I mean.
Were there any, you know, sparks?

211
00:12:05,599 --> 00:12:07,794
No. No sparks.

212
00:12:07,968 --> 00:12:09,435
Why would there be sparks?

213
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:12,333
I'm with you. We're engaged.
We're gonna be married.

214
00:12:12,506 --> 00:12:15,339
You and me, that's the sparks...

215
00:12:15,709 --> 00:12:16,937
...baby.

216
00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:21,509
Relax, Charlie, I trust you.

217
00:12:25,986 --> 00:12:29,149
Okay, lady,
you're really starting to piss me off.

218
00:12:33,327 --> 00:12:35,318
Thanks for seeing me
on such short notice.

219
00:12:35,496 --> 00:12:39,694
No problem, Charlie, just as long as
you're willing to pay my weekend rates.

220
00:12:40,234 --> 00:12:41,599
You've got weekend rates?

221
00:12:41,769 --> 00:12:44,533
Yep, and you probably
don't wanna waste time haggling.

222
00:12:45,773 --> 00:12:48,173
Now, what's the big emergency?

223
00:12:48,342 --> 00:12:51,834
Well, you might not think
it's a big emergency, but trust me, it is.

224
00:12:52,012 --> 00:12:53,172
Okay.

225
00:12:53,347 --> 00:12:55,212
I'm really constipated.

226
00:12:56,383 --> 00:12:59,978
You do realize
which end of the body I specialize in.

227
00:13:00,421 --> 00:13:02,548
I know, I know.
I'm not here for an enema.

228
00:13:02,723 --> 00:13:04,850
Good, because that couch
isn't Scotchgarded.

229
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,260
I'm thinking it's psychosomatic...

230
00:13:08,429 --> 00:13:12,229
...because I've tried coffee, fiber,
laxatives...

231
00:13:12,399 --> 00:13:15,300
...and something my housekeeper said
was a suppository...

232
00:13:15,502 --> 00:13:18,528
...but I now suspect
was a practical joke.

233
00:13:19,273 --> 00:13:23,573
All right.
So psychosomatic constipation.

234
00:13:23,744 --> 00:13:25,644
Good name for a rock band, huh?

235
00:13:25,813 --> 00:13:28,611
Weekend rates, Charlie.

236
00:13:29,383 --> 00:13:32,443
What's been going on? How are things
with you and your fiancée?

237
00:13:32,619 --> 00:13:36,783
Great. She lives with me, we're planning
the wedding, couldn't be better.

238
00:13:36,957 --> 00:13:38,424
Good. And how's work?

239
00:13:38,892 --> 00:13:42,157
Well, it's been pretty slow,
but thankfully the house is paid off...

240
00:13:42,329 --> 00:13:45,264
...my pension is funded,
and I've given up prostitutes.

241
00:13:45,432 --> 00:13:48,959
All I need is drinking money.
What's that, a couple grand a month?

242
00:13:49,136 --> 00:13:50,967
That sounds about right.

243
00:13:51,405 --> 00:13:53,396
And, hey, do you remember Mia?

244
00:13:53,574 --> 00:13:55,007
Your ex-fiancée, the dancer?

245
00:13:55,175 --> 00:13:56,335
Wow, you remember.

246
00:13:56,543 --> 00:13:59,569
I'm not sitting here sketching ponies,
Charlie.

247
00:14:01,949 --> 00:14:03,416
Anyway, I ran into her.

248
00:14:03,584 --> 00:14:06,348
- Really? And how'd that go?
- Fine. Fine.

249
00:14:06,553 --> 00:14:09,989
She looks great, she's single again,
told me she missed me.

250
00:14:10,157 --> 00:14:12,125
- Uh-huh.
- I always dig that.

251
00:14:13,694 --> 00:14:16,595
She asked me if I could help her
with this music project...

252
00:14:16,763 --> 00:14:18,162
...and I said no.

253
00:14:18,332 --> 00:14:21,631
But Chelsea said if I didn't have
feelings for her, why not do it...

254
00:14:21,802 --> 00:14:24,202
...so I did it.
- Interesting.

255
00:14:24,371 --> 00:14:27,033
- When did all this happen?
- Three, four day ago.

256
00:14:27,207 --> 00:14:29,300
And how long
have you been constipated?

257
00:14:30,344 --> 00:14:32,574
I don't know, three, four days.

258
00:14:34,481 --> 00:14:36,073
You think there's a connection?

259
00:14:36,517 --> 00:14:38,781
I'm leaning that way.

260
00:14:39,153 --> 00:14:41,348
You obviously still have
feelings for Mia...

261
00:14:41,522 --> 00:14:43,456
...and yet you're committed
to Chelsea.

262
00:14:43,624 --> 00:14:47,025
It's an emotional conflict,
and until you resolve that conflict...

263
00:14:47,194 --> 00:14:50,061
...you're going to be physically blocked.
- English, please.

264
00:14:50,230 --> 00:14:52,960
As soon as you pick one,
you can go two.

265
00:14:56,970 --> 00:15:00,497
- What happens if I can't pick?
- I don't know. C-section?

266
00:15:05,179 --> 00:15:08,080
Anyway, she said
I have to resolve the conflict...

267
00:15:08,248 --> 00:15:11,547
...because my emotions are connected
to my lower intestine.

268
00:15:12,152 --> 00:15:13,346
That makes sense.

269
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,512
You think with your penis
and your head's up your ass.

270
00:15:17,391 --> 00:15:18,653
[GRUNTS]

271
00:15:18,825 --> 00:15:20,759
The baby just kicked.

272
00:15:21,862 --> 00:15:22,886
Baby?

273
00:15:23,063 --> 00:15:27,056
Well, it's not technically a baby,
but we know it's gonna look like you.

274
00:15:28,769 --> 00:15:31,067
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey.

275
00:15:35,943 --> 00:15:39,276
- What's she still doing here?
- She went away and she came back.

276
00:15:39,446 --> 00:15:42,609
- She's not moving in, Alan.
- Of course not. You said no, it's no.

277
00:15:42,783 --> 00:15:45,251
- We're out of milk. I'll run to the market.
- Okay.

278
00:15:49,223 --> 00:15:51,088
She likes milk.

279
00:15:51,658 --> 00:15:53,785
How are you gonna resolve
your conflict?

280
00:15:53,961 --> 00:15:56,589
I'm not sure.
I may have to sleep with Mia.

281
00:15:56,763 --> 00:15:58,355
What?

282
00:15:58,865 --> 00:16:00,423
Okay, here's the deal.

283
00:16:00,801 --> 00:16:02,234
[CHARLIE GRUNTS]

284
00:16:02,803 --> 00:16:04,896
If I back out of the recording session...

285
00:16:05,072 --> 00:16:08,405
...Chelsea will think I still have feelings.
- All right.

286
00:16:08,575 --> 00:16:11,567
If I spend any more time with Mia
without sleeping with her...

287
00:16:11,745 --> 00:16:15,237
...l'm gonna split like a roasted pistachio
and nobody wants that.

288
00:16:15,782 --> 00:16:19,149
Charlie, cheating on Chelsea
makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

289
00:16:19,319 --> 00:16:22,755
That's what I thought,
but my shrink was pretty adamant.

290
00:16:25,425 --> 00:16:30,795
Just promise if anything happens to me,
you'll raise it as your own.

291
00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:36,592
["POLK SALAD ANNIE"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

292
00:16:36,770 --> 00:16:38,897
[SINGING]
<i>Down in Louisiana</i>

293
00:16:40,007 --> 00:16:43,465
<i>Where the alligators grow so mean</i>

294
00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:47,647
<i>Lived a girl that I swear to the world</i>

295
00:16:47,814 --> 00:16:50,476
<i>Made the alligators look tame</i>

296
00:16:50,651 --> 00:16:52,482
<i>Polk Salad Annie</i>

297
00:16:55,322 --> 00:16:58,257
I know, I know.
It's hard to believe I'm not banging her.

298
00:16:59,459 --> 00:17:01,450
Then why are we here?

299
00:17:02,029 --> 00:17:04,122
She's an old friend
and I'm helping her out.

300
00:17:04,298 --> 00:17:07,859
You really wanna help her out?
Sneak up behind her with a big rock.

301
00:17:08,268 --> 00:17:09,428
[CHARLIE GRUNTING]

302
00:17:09,970 --> 00:17:12,871
- Detox?
- No. Constipated.

303
00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:15,167
Because you're detoxing?

304
00:17:16,043 --> 00:17:18,273
- Can we just do this?
- Fine.

305
00:17:20,514 --> 00:17:24,450
<i>'Cause your mama was workin'</i>
<i>On the chain gang</i>

306
00:17:25,552 --> 00:17:26,610
<i>Polk</i>

307
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:29,313
<i>Salad</i>

308
00:17:31,358 --> 00:17:33,189
That one felt really good.

309
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:37,023
Okay, help me understand something.
You're hoping to bang her, right?

310
00:17:40,667 --> 00:17:42,635
Can I hear a little?

311
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,304
Sure, play it back.

312
00:17:50,377 --> 00:17:52,072
["POLK SALAD ANNIE"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

313
00:17:52,245 --> 00:17:54,213
MIA [ON RECORDING]:
<i>Down in Louisiana</i>

314
00:17:55,582 --> 00:17:58,813
- That's me?
- That's you.

315
00:17:59,653 --> 00:18:01,314
Wow.

316
00:18:01,722 --> 00:18:04,156
I had no idea I was so good.

317
00:18:07,494 --> 00:18:10,930
Oh, Charlie, I'm so happy.

318
00:18:11,098 --> 00:18:14,693
Oh, well, if you're happy, I'm happy.

319
00:18:16,236 --> 00:18:20,832
- Why did I ever let you go?
- Lf I recall, you had a list of reasons.

320
00:18:21,007 --> 00:18:22,531
Well, I was wrong.

321
00:18:22,709 --> 00:18:24,040
How can I make it up to you?

322
00:18:24,211 --> 00:18:27,544
Uh, how do you wanna
make it up to me?

323
00:18:27,714 --> 00:18:29,147
[WHISPERS]

324
00:18:29,616 --> 00:18:30,913
Wow.

325
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,548
There it is.

326
00:18:36,590 --> 00:18:40,321
Let's do this last track
and then we can go back to my place.

327
00:18:44,131 --> 00:18:46,622
Maybe we could sweeten her vocals
with some reverb...

328
00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:48,733
...a little echo, lay guitar over it.

329
00:18:48,902 --> 00:18:52,702
We could lay car horns
and barking dogs over it. Won't help.

330
00:18:55,976 --> 00:18:57,603
I'm ready.

331
00:18:58,145 --> 00:19:01,979
- Just relax and feel the groove, okay?
- I got it.

332
00:19:02,482 --> 00:19:07,249
Okay, this is "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,"
take one.

333
00:19:08,288 --> 00:19:11,155
["BOOGIE WOOGIE BUGLE BOY"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

334
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:16,022
<i>He was a famous trumpet man</i>
<i>From out Chicago way</i>

335
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:18,357
<i>He had a boogie style</i>
<i>That no one else could play</i>

336
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,830
<i>Whoo, he was the top man at his craft</i>

337
00:19:21,001 --> 00:19:23,526
<i>And then his number came up</i>
<i>And he was gone with the draft</i>

338
00:19:23,703 --> 00:19:26,171
<i>He's in the Army now</i>
<i>Blowin' reveille</i>

339
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:29,240
<i>He's the boogie-woogie bugle boy</i>
<i>Of Company B

340
00:19:29,409 --> 00:19:30,967
Okay, Mia, hold it a sec.

341
00:19:31,144 --> 00:19:34,807
- Is something wrong?
- Yeah, kind of.

342
00:19:34,981 --> 00:19:37,006
You can't sing.

343
00:19:37,184 --> 00:19:39,914
- What?
- You've got no talent.

344
00:19:40,086 --> 00:19:42,816
I'm sorry,
but we're both wasting our time here.

345
00:19:42,989 --> 00:19:47,289
I love Chelsea, I'm gonna marry her,
and I can't see you anymore.

346
00:19:47,461 --> 00:19:50,794
Are you kidding?
You can't just walk out on me, you...

347
00:19:50,964 --> 00:19:52,124
[TURNS MICROPHONE OFF]

348
00:19:52,833 --> 00:19:55,199
- Where's the bathroom?
- Down the hall.

349
00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:57,734
- Thanks.
- No, thank you.

350
00:19:59,506 --> 00:20:00,530
[TURNS MICROPHONE ON]

351
00:20:00,707 --> 00:20:03,471
- Should have known this would happen,
you lowlife son of a bitch!

352
00:20:03,643 --> 00:20:05,611
The lowlife son of a bitch is gone...

353
00:20:05,779 --> 00:20:09,840
...but I think you have a real gift
and we should work together.

354
00:20:12,152 --> 00:20:14,780
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

355
00:20:16,857 --> 00:20:19,417
Ah, you might wanna give it a minute.

356
00:20:20,694 --> 00:20:22,286
You were in there with your guitar?

357
00:20:22,462 --> 00:20:25,454
Well, you never know
when inspiration might strike.

358
00:20:32,172 --> 00:20:34,697
That's called
"Two Burritos and a Root Beer Float."

359
00:20:37,344 --> 00:20:39,403
[PLAYING ELECTRIC GUITAR]

360
00:20:46,386 --> 00:20:48,752
Hey, how's the intestines?

361
00:20:49,189 --> 00:20:51,089
Clean as a whistle.

362
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:54,260
It's the city's problem now.

363
00:20:57,197 --> 00:20:59,131
[BERTA LAUGHING]

364
00:20:59,766 --> 00:21:02,257
Yeah, ha, ha, very funny.

365
00:21:02,435 --> 00:21:05,802
What was in that so-called suppository
you gave me, anyway?

366
00:21:05,972 --> 00:21:09,499
Half a tab of Alka-Seltzer
crushed up in a gelcap.

367
00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:13,708
Oh. Well, that explains the foam.

368
00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:17,241
- I'm off to work.
- Have a good day, sweetie.

369
00:21:17,417 --> 00:21:19,009
- I'll be home around 6:30.
- Okay.

370
00:21:20,954 --> 00:21:22,649
- Alan?
- She's not living here.

371
00:21:22,822 --> 00:21:23,914
Just checking.

372
00:21:26,426 --> 00:21:28,951
And he calls me stupid.

373
00:21:56,623 --> 00:21:58,614
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]