1
00:00:05,643 --> 00:00:08,737
Hey, you got anything special
going on next week?
2
00:00:08,913 --> 00:00:12,280
Well, let's see, next week.
3
00:00:12,450 --> 00:00:15,783
I like to keep Mondays free
for hangovers.
4
00:00:16,054 --> 00:00:19,455
Tuesday I was planning on
getting a haircut, mani-pedi and a facial.
5
00:00:19,624 --> 00:00:21,922
You know, guy stuff.
6
00:00:22,227 --> 00:00:24,695
Wednesday I have a meeting
with my business manager...
7
00:00:24,863 --> 00:00:26,694
...to discuss my retirement plan.
8
00:00:26,865 --> 00:00:32,098
And, as you know, Thursday and Friday
are kind of my me days.
9
00:00:32,670 --> 00:00:33,967
Why do you ask?
10
00:00:34,139 --> 00:00:35,936
Since I have a couple days off...
11
00:00:36,107 --> 00:00:38,974
...we could fly to Illinois
and visit my parents.
12
00:00:39,144 --> 00:00:40,873
Oh.
13
00:00:41,379 --> 00:00:44,610
I mean, you've only met my mother once
and you've never met my dad.
14
00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:45,807
That's true.
15
00:00:45,984 --> 00:00:48,646
I'd like him to get to know you
before the wedding.
16
00:00:48,820 --> 00:00:49,946
Of course.
17
00:00:50,121 --> 00:00:53,887
Although sometimes with parents,
I'm better served up as a surprise.
18
00:00:54,092 --> 00:00:57,653
- Don't be silly. He'll love you.
- And I'm sure I'll love him.
19
00:00:57,829 --> 00:00:59,729
So good, we'll fly out.
20
00:00:59,898 --> 00:01:02,128
Illinois, here we come.
21
00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:05,565
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
22
00:01:05,737 --> 00:01:08,001
- Good night.
- Good night.
23
00:01:12,077 --> 00:01:13,339
[CHARLIE SIGHS]
24
00:01:15,547 --> 00:01:18,812
- Oh, darn it.
- What?
25
00:01:19,384 --> 00:01:22,581
I just remembered
I have an appointment next week.
26
00:01:22,754 --> 00:01:24,517
Doctor's appointment?
27
00:01:24,689 --> 00:01:27,351
Yes. Yes. A doctor's appointment.
28
00:01:27,525 --> 00:01:28,651
Is everything okay?
29
00:01:28,827 --> 00:01:32,763
Oh yeah, yeah, just a routine procedure
I've been putting off.
30
00:01:32,931 --> 00:01:34,694
What do you mean,
like a colonoscopy?
31
00:01:34,866 --> 00:01:37,767
Yes, exactly. A colonoscopy.
32
00:01:40,371 --> 00:01:42,100
Oh, Charlie, you can't put that off.
33
00:01:42,273 --> 00:01:44,707
No, no, no, I wanna meet your dad.
34
00:01:44,876 --> 00:01:47,572
I've been putting off
getting a colonoscopy for years.
35
00:01:47,745 --> 00:01:49,542
You're keeping that appointment.
36
00:01:49,714 --> 00:01:51,477
But what about meeting your dad?
37
00:01:51,649 --> 00:01:53,947
- We'll do it another time.
- Are you sure?
38
00:01:54,119 --> 00:01:56,417
Your health
is the most important thing.
39
00:01:56,588 --> 00:02:00,149
- I know how you procrastinate.
- I do, don't I?
40
00:02:00,325 --> 00:02:04,056
Boy, what would you do without me
to take care of you?
41
00:02:04,662 --> 00:02:09,929
Well, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be
getting a colonoscopy next week.
42
00:02:14,038 --> 00:02:16,029
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON TV]
43
00:02:17,709 --> 00:02:21,543
- Hey.
- Hey.
44
00:02:26,084 --> 00:02:28,075
[CHARLIE SIGHS]
45
00:02:39,964 --> 00:02:42,933
You're not gonna believe
what I just did.
46
00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:45,893
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]
47
00:03:14,365 --> 00:03:16,663
All right, let me see
if I've got this straight.
48
00:03:16,835 --> 00:03:20,202
In order to not spend time
with your fiancée's parents...
49
00:03:20,371 --> 00:03:24,205
...you're willing to let a doctor
snake a camera up your keister.
50
00:03:25,777 --> 00:03:29,178
I'd be willing to let them
shoot an IMAX feature...
51
00:03:30,415 --> 00:03:32,474
...but fortunately
it won't be necessary.
52
00:03:32,650 --> 00:03:34,379
- How do you figure?
- I have a plan.
53
00:03:34,552 --> 00:03:36,816
Oh, a plan.
54
00:03:37,355 --> 00:03:41,291
The day of the "procedure," you pretend
to drive me to the "hospital."
55
00:03:41,459 --> 00:03:43,757
- But we're not going to the hospital.
- Precisely.
56
00:03:43,928 --> 00:03:46,021
What we'll actually do
is go to the movies.
57
00:03:46,197 --> 00:03:48,222
Then we'll go out
for a couple of drinks...
58
00:03:48,399 --> 00:03:51,197
...so when I get home,
I'll be appropriately woozy.
59
00:03:51,369 --> 00:03:54,304
And I'll tell Chelsea that my colon
is clean as a whistle.
60
00:03:55,807 --> 00:03:59,368
You know, a whistle that you swallowed
then blew out your bung hole.
61
00:04:00,111 --> 00:04:01,476
Sure.
62
00:04:01,646 --> 00:04:04,945
And then she'll put me to bed,
I'll get some "Oh, poor Charlie" sex...
63
00:04:05,116 --> 00:04:07,584
...with her being ever mindful
of my tender area.
64
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,748
Wow. This is a new low, even for you.
65
00:04:11,923 --> 00:04:15,188
Now, now, to be fair,
it's only a new low in this relationship.
66
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:18,227
True, true. Can I pick the movie?
67
00:04:18,396 --> 00:04:20,159
- Fine.
- Do I get snacks?
68
00:04:21,432 --> 00:04:24,230
Yes, I'm paying for everything.
69
00:04:24,402 --> 00:04:26,165
Why do we continue
to play this game?
70
00:04:26,337 --> 00:04:29,898
- Because I still have my pride.
- No, you don't.
71
00:04:32,543 --> 00:04:33,874
Charlie, you okay?
72
00:04:34,045 --> 00:04:38,277
Yeah, I was just reminding Alan that he
has to take me in for my colonoscopy.
73
00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:41,043
Oh, that's not necessary. I'll take you.
74
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:46,721
No, no, no, I don't want you wasting
your time off in a doctor's waiting room.
75
00:04:46,891 --> 00:04:49,792
Don't be ridiculous. I'm driving you.
Come back to bed.
76
00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:56,861
Good plan.
77
00:05:01,239 --> 00:05:03,230
No, no, no, you don't understand.
78
00:05:03,408 --> 00:05:06,707
I need a colonoscopy,
and it has to be next Wednesday.
79
00:05:10,815 --> 00:05:12,976
Yes, I'll hold.
80
00:05:14,619 --> 00:05:18,077
Can you believe it?
Their hold music is "Tunnel of Love."
81
00:05:18,256 --> 00:05:20,281
It's better than "Brown-Eyed Girl."
82
00:05:21,092 --> 00:05:23,390
Oh. God, I hope I can get an appointment.
83
00:05:23,561 --> 00:05:25,995
Maybe you should grease a few palms.
84
00:05:26,164 --> 00:05:28,462
If it was me,
I'd be greasing everything.
85
00:05:30,001 --> 00:05:33,095
Yeah, hi. Well, great, great.
86
00:05:33,271 --> 00:05:36,900
Wednesday, 8 a.m. Thank you,
thank you, you've made me very happy.
87
00:05:38,843 --> 00:05:42,142
Yeah, I imagine you don't hear that
too often.
88
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:47,117
What? Yeah, fine, fine,
I won't eat on Tuesday.
89
00:05:47,552 --> 00:05:50,214
What do you mean,
"flush out my system"?
90
00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:53,023
Oh. Ick.
91
00:05:54,692 --> 00:05:58,628
All right, I'm
a little less happy now. Goodbye.
92
00:05:58,796 --> 00:06:00,923
You won't believe
what they want me to do.
93
00:06:01,099 --> 00:06:02,123
Taking laxatives...
94
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:05,667
...and drinking a half gallon
of industrial strength Colonblow?
95
00:06:06,170 --> 00:06:10,106
Oh, right, you've done this before.
It seemed funnier then.
96
00:06:11,809 --> 00:06:15,267
I gotta tell you,
it seems pretty funny now.
97
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:17,671
Why don't you just tell Chelsea
the truth?
98
00:06:17,849 --> 00:06:20,409
That I'd rather get violated
by a long metal tube...
99
00:06:20,585 --> 00:06:22,314
...than spend time with her folks?
100
00:06:22,487 --> 00:06:26,321
Somehow, I don't see her taking that
in the spirit in which it was intended.
101
00:06:26,858 --> 00:06:32,990
True, true. Well, I said it before,
and I think I need to say it again.
102
00:06:33,264 --> 00:06:34,356
Good plan.
103
00:06:41,172 --> 00:06:42,730
Why isn't Uncle Charlie eating?
104
00:06:42,907 --> 00:06:45,375
He has to fast
before he goes to the doctor tomorrow.
105
00:06:45,543 --> 00:06:47,943
- Is he okay?
- Yeah, he's getting a routine test.
106
00:06:48,112 --> 00:06:51,513
- They're taking a look at his intestines.
- How do they do that?
107
00:06:51,682 --> 00:06:54,742
Well, they take a tiny camera
and put it on the end of a tube...
108
00:06:54,919 --> 00:06:57,854
- Why don't we eat first?
- Good idea.
109
00:06:58,022 --> 00:06:59,683
[CHARLIE GROANING]
110
00:07:05,496 --> 00:07:07,054
[CHARLIE SIGHS]
111
00:07:07,231 --> 00:07:09,199
Well, I'm happy to report...
112
00:07:09,367 --> 00:07:13,565
...I just saw a piece of Hubba Bubba
I swallowed in fifth grade.
113
00:07:14,439 --> 00:07:17,431
Oh, for God's sake, Charlie,
we're having dinner.
114
00:07:17,608 --> 00:07:19,007
Don't rub it in.
115
00:07:20,578 --> 00:07:22,739
Speaking of which,
I'm out of baby wipes.
116
00:07:23,614 --> 00:07:25,377
I bought you two boxes
of baby wipes.
117
00:07:25,550 --> 00:07:28,451
What can I tell you?
Babies don't crap like this.
118
00:07:32,156 --> 00:07:34,784
At least not healthy babies.
119
00:07:34,959 --> 00:07:36,950
There's a jar of aloe vera
under the sink.
120
00:07:37,295 --> 00:07:40,492
- What am I supposed to do with that?
- Oh. Put a glob on your finger...
121
00:07:40,665 --> 00:07:42,098
Alan.
122
00:07:43,768 --> 00:07:46,532
- It's cooling and soothing.
- Well, good, good.
123
00:07:46,704 --> 00:07:50,231
Because let me tell you, you could roast
a marshmallow on my anus.
124
00:07:53,411 --> 00:07:55,902
You know what'd be good
for dessert?
125
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,411
S'mores.
126
00:08:06,457 --> 00:08:07,890
How come I'm not loaded?
127
00:08:08,593 --> 00:08:10,925
They're supposed to get me loaded
before, right?
128
00:08:11,095 --> 00:08:14,394
Yes. They'll hook you up to an IV
right before the procedure.
129
00:08:14,565 --> 00:08:18,661
So we're on the same page, I wanna be
stone-cold out before anything goes in.
130
00:08:18,836 --> 00:08:19,962
I'll tell them.
131
00:08:20,771 --> 00:08:24,070
All I get is a glass of wine
and a "pretty please."
132
00:08:24,509 --> 00:08:27,273
- All right, we're ready.
- Did you bring the drugs with you?
133
00:08:27,445 --> 00:08:29,640
Oh, no, the anesthesiologist
takes care of that.
134
00:08:29,814 --> 00:08:31,281
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
135
00:08:31,449 --> 00:08:33,383
Since we couldn't make it to Illinois...
136
00:08:33,584 --> 00:08:36,382
...l'm flying my parents in to stay with us
for a week.
137
00:08:36,721 --> 00:08:37,983
What?
138
00:08:38,589 --> 00:08:41,683
Enjoy your colonoscopy,
you lying dirtbag.
139
00:08:42,493 --> 00:08:44,757
- You knew?
- I knew.
140
00:08:45,630 --> 00:08:48,793
I'll give you a thousand dollars
to push me to the parking lot.
141
00:08:55,573 --> 00:08:57,200
How are you feeling?
142
00:08:57,375 --> 00:09:00,242
Like a new fish at Leavenworth.
143
00:09:00,878 --> 00:09:04,075
Don't be so dramatic. Good news is
you have a clean bill of health.
144
00:09:04,248 --> 00:09:07,149
Yes, but I lost my water-tight seal.
145
00:09:07,985 --> 00:09:10,112
Yes, but you have peace of mind.
146
00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:12,882
Yes, but now I can't wear white
at our wedding.
147
00:09:16,494 --> 00:09:18,485
[PLAYING NOISEMAKERS]
148
00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:22,857
Yay, no polyps.
149
00:09:23,034 --> 00:09:24,228
Way to go, Uncle Charlie.
150
00:09:24,402 --> 00:09:26,302
Now you know how it feels.
151
00:09:27,905 --> 00:09:29,099
Thanks for calling ahead.
152
00:09:30,007 --> 00:09:32,669
- There's the happy couple.
- Welcome home.
153
00:09:32,843 --> 00:09:36,438
Charlie, you remember my mother,
Martha. And this is my father, Tom.
154
00:09:36,614 --> 00:09:38,912
- Good to see you again.
- You too.
155
00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:42,075
- Nice to finally meet you, Charlie.
- Nice to meet you.
156
00:09:42,253 --> 00:09:44,221
Not much of a grip.
157
00:09:44,388 --> 00:09:46,982
But you're probably a little weak
from your anal probe.
158
00:09:51,462 --> 00:09:52,793
Didn't make me stronger.
159
00:09:54,265 --> 00:09:57,393
Isn't this great, Charlie?
Because you couldn't go see them...
160
00:09:57,568 --> 00:10:01,197
...Chelsea's folks dropped everything
to come spend time with you.
161
00:10:01,806 --> 00:10:06,209
- Yeah, it's great.
- Isn't it funny how plans work out?
162
00:10:08,212 --> 00:10:12,342
Hey, I found some steaks in the freezer.
Thought we'd have a little barbecue.
163
00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:14,108
He has to eat light for a while.
164
00:10:14,285 --> 00:10:18,187
Oh, please, he's been treated like a girl
enough today.
165
00:10:19,290 --> 00:10:20,314
He's not wrong.
166
00:10:20,491 --> 00:10:21,515
[TOM GRUNTS]
167
00:10:21,692 --> 00:10:24,217
I'm never wrong
about what a man needs.
168
00:10:24,795 --> 00:10:28,390
Good golly, what's that fruity smell
coming from your head?
169
00:10:28,566 --> 00:10:29,999
It's an apricot conditioner.
170
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:33,000
It keeps my hair from getting frizzy
with all the humidity.
171
00:10:33,170 --> 00:10:36,003
Oh, we need to get some meat
in you, pronto.
172
00:10:38,142 --> 00:10:41,669
Tom's always on guard
against the homosexual agenda.
173
00:10:43,981 --> 00:10:46,347
No offense.
174
00:10:52,223 --> 00:10:53,850
You're a great cook, Tom.
175
00:10:54,025 --> 00:10:57,392
Well, I always say
a man's gotta be self-sufficient.
176
00:10:57,561 --> 00:11:01,053
I agree. All I need is booze,
satellite TV and a housekeeper...
177
00:11:01,232 --> 00:11:03,996
...and I could survive in a cave.
178
00:11:04,468 --> 00:11:06,561
You know, if it were air conditioned.
179
00:11:07,204 --> 00:11:09,866
- I gotta ask you something, Charlie.
- Okay, I admit it.
180
00:11:10,041 --> 00:11:11,668
I slept with your daughter.
181
00:11:11,842 --> 00:11:14,003
But don't worry,
I'm still gonna marry her.
182
00:11:14,178 --> 00:11:15,338
Damn straight you are.
183
00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:17,841
Which brings me to my question.
184
00:11:18,015 --> 00:11:20,575
When a man's your age
and he's never married...
185
00:11:20,751 --> 00:11:22,412
...it's usually one of two reasons.
186
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:25,714
- One...
- He's really lucky. Heh, heh.
187
00:11:26,090 --> 00:11:28,024
You're right, not funny, go on.
188
00:11:28,192 --> 00:11:29,557
What I'm trying to say is...
189
00:11:29,727 --> 00:11:33,788
...when a man gets to be 40 and he isn't
married, he's either a rascal or a poof.
190
00:11:34,565 --> 00:11:36,294
- Interesting.
- So?
191
00:11:36,467 --> 00:11:38,628
- So, what?
- So which one are you?
192
00:11:40,037 --> 00:11:43,438
- Uh, actually, there's a third choice.
- What's that?
193
00:11:43,607 --> 00:11:46,940
Well, sometimes it takes a while
for a man to meet his soul mate...
194
00:11:47,144 --> 00:11:49,738
...like I finally met your daughter.
- Soul mate?
195
00:11:49,914 --> 00:11:51,973
- Yep.
- So poof.
196
00:11:53,050 --> 00:11:55,075
Just kidding. Ha-ha-ha.
197
00:11:56,153 --> 00:11:59,589
- How are my two favorite fellas doing?
- We're just fine, princess.
198
00:11:59,757 --> 00:12:02,658
I cleaned the grill
and now I'm giving your beau a grilling.
199
00:12:02,827 --> 00:12:05,193
Stick a fork in me
because I think I'm done.
200
00:12:05,363 --> 00:12:08,059
Sorry, my dad's always been
a little overprotective.
201
00:12:08,232 --> 00:12:09,290
Well, I have to be.
202
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:12,959
When it comes to men,
you've always had a rotten picker.
203
00:12:13,738 --> 00:12:15,729
No offense.
I'm sure you're the exception.
204
00:12:15,906 --> 00:12:17,771
I'm glad you're sure.
205
00:12:18,609 --> 00:12:21,169
- Why don't you see how Mom's doing?
- Oh. Good idea.
206
00:12:21,345 --> 00:12:26,078
She's jet-lagged and still pretty
wound up over having a colored pilot.
207
00:12:28,986 --> 00:12:30,112
What can I say?
208
00:12:30,287 --> 00:12:32,915
"Mommy and Daddy
are horrible bigots"?
209
00:12:33,357 --> 00:12:35,757
But they're my parents
and I gotta love them, right?
210
00:12:35,926 --> 00:12:37,359
You're asking the wrong guy.
211
00:12:38,763 --> 00:12:40,060
Look at them, though.
212
00:12:40,231 --> 00:12:43,359
Forty-two years together
and they're still best friends.
213
00:12:43,534 --> 00:12:46,628
Well, let's face it,
who else would have them?
214
00:12:46,804 --> 00:12:48,829
At least they don't lie to each other.
215
00:12:49,340 --> 00:12:52,173
Okay, I get it.
I lied about the colonoscopy.
216
00:12:52,343 --> 00:12:54,106
Trust me, I've been punished enough.
217
00:12:54,278 --> 00:12:57,179
If our marriage is gonna last,
we have to commit...
218
00:12:57,348 --> 00:12:59,213
...to always be honest with each other.
219
00:12:59,383 --> 00:13:00,543
You have my word.
220
00:13:00,718 --> 00:13:02,447
You've given me your word before.
221
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:06,215
Well, then, you'd be silly to take it again,
wouldn't you? Ha, ha.
222
00:13:07,057 --> 00:13:08,854
What? I'm being honest.
223
00:13:09,827 --> 00:13:12,261
So how are you liking Los Angeles?
224
00:13:12,430 --> 00:13:14,398
Well, the weather's lovely.
225
00:13:14,565 --> 00:13:15,827
Oh, it is, isn't it?
226
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:20,494
What we don't care for
are the freeways and Mexicans.
227
00:13:21,806 --> 00:13:24,001
Yeah, yeah, they do get congested.
228
00:13:24,175 --> 00:13:27,372
I think it's all the cheese
they cook with.
229
00:13:32,483 --> 00:13:34,383
How's everybody getting along
out here?
230
00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:36,179
Everything's fine, dear.
231
00:13:36,353 --> 00:13:40,187
Remember what we talked about.
No politics, religion or what have you.
232
00:13:40,357 --> 00:13:44,555
You don't have to tell me twice.
I'm not a Polack.
233
00:13:44,728 --> 00:13:46,423
[MARTHA SIGHS]
234
00:13:47,798 --> 00:13:51,461
Hey, Charlie, when we drove in,
I noticed a tavern down the road.
235
00:13:51,635 --> 00:13:55,230
How about you and I go out for a drink?
Get to know each other a little better.
236
00:13:55,406 --> 00:13:58,569
Uh, sure, I guess. Although
if you're on the fence about me now...
237
00:13:58,776 --> 00:14:01,176
...alcohol isn't gonna really improve
my chances.
238
00:14:01,846 --> 00:14:04,144
I think it's a terrific idea.
You boys have fun.
239
00:14:04,315 --> 00:14:07,216
All right. I'm buying.
240
00:14:11,155 --> 00:14:12,213
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
241
00:14:12,389 --> 00:14:15,552
- Where are you going?
- He said he's buying.
242
00:14:18,996 --> 00:14:23,490
Who would've thought the best part of
my day would be having a colonoscopy?
243
00:14:27,671 --> 00:14:30,469
To my future son-in-law.
Down the hatch.
244
00:14:30,641 --> 00:14:33,269
Considering my day,
it'd be more like up the hatch.
245
00:14:33,444 --> 00:14:34,468
[TOM CHUCKLES]
246
00:14:34,645 --> 00:14:36,078
Cheers.
247
00:14:38,549 --> 00:14:41,712
So, Alan,
Chelsea tells me you're a chiropractor.
248
00:14:41,886 --> 00:14:43,877
I imagine you give a great back rub.
249
00:14:44,054 --> 00:14:46,386
Uh, I do,
but there's a lot more involved than that.
250
00:14:46,557 --> 00:14:49,082
I like back rubs.
251
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,385
But I need strong hands on me.
252
00:14:51,562 --> 00:14:55,293
Martha's got these little parrot claws,
can't get deep in the muscle.
253
00:14:55,466 --> 00:14:57,434
Let me see what you go.
254
00:14:57,601 --> 00:15:02,504
Oh. No calluses.
I prefer the feel of calluses.
255
00:15:03,741 --> 00:15:06,676
If you wanna see calluses,
check the inside of his right palm.
256
00:15:07,011 --> 00:15:09,241
[MEN LAUGHING]
257
00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:13,575
Look at that.
You don't see that where I come from.
258
00:15:13,751 --> 00:15:16,276
Oh, come on, heh, there's no gay people
where you live?
259
00:15:16,453 --> 00:15:19,115
Of course there are,
but they got their own bar.
260
00:15:19,290 --> 00:15:24,250
Little place called The Log Cabin. On
Forrester Street. Right next to the A&W.
261
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,863
Amazing that people in California
can behave that way in public.
262
00:15:34,038 --> 00:15:37,303
- We kind of believe in "live and let live."
- Oh, that's baloney.
263
00:15:37,474 --> 00:15:42,707
I believe in the sanctity of the family,
marriage between a man and a woman.
264
00:15:44,548 --> 00:15:47,642
But damn, those fellas do look happy.
265
00:15:47,818 --> 00:15:50,946
Probably because in California
they can't get married.
266
00:15:53,157 --> 00:15:55,819
Really, really happy.
267
00:16:02,433 --> 00:16:03,661
[ALL LAUGHING]
268
00:16:03,834 --> 00:16:07,292
- I know what that is.
TOM: Down the hatch.
269
00:16:07,771 --> 00:16:11,468
Looks like my future father-in-law
has made some new friends.
270
00:16:11,642 --> 00:16:13,405
Yeah. I'm a little confused.
271
00:16:13,577 --> 00:16:15,010
[ON JUKEBOX]
Do you really want...
272
00:16:15,179 --> 00:16:18,046
I don't think you're the only one.
273
00:16:18,215 --> 00:16:22,447
[SINGING]
Do you really wanna make me cry?
274
00:16:22,620 --> 00:16:24,417
Whoa, I love that song.
275
00:16:24,588 --> 00:16:28,319
I hit it out of the park
on karaoke night at the VFW.
276
00:16:28,492 --> 00:16:30,483
Chelsea didn't tell me you're a vet.
277
00:16:30,661 --> 00:16:33,459
Yeah, Navy. Submarine Corps.
278
00:16:33,631 --> 00:16:36,691
Ohh... Six-month tours
under the polar icecap.
279
00:16:36,867 --> 00:16:39,233
Nothing to do but lift weights,
shoot the bull...
280
00:16:39,436 --> 00:16:41,267
...and enjoy the company
of other men.
281
00:16:41,438 --> 00:16:44,032
- Six months with just men?
- Not just men.
282
00:16:44,208 --> 00:16:46,608
Young men. Hard men.
283
00:16:49,046 --> 00:16:53,676
And the hardest of them all was
Edward Boynton, Seaman Third Class.
284
00:16:53,851 --> 00:16:55,375
And my best pal.
285
00:16:57,254 --> 00:17:00,052
1966. We were in the Philippines
for a week of R&R...
286
00:17:00,224 --> 00:17:02,055
...and we bought matching shirts.
287
00:17:02,593 --> 00:17:04,424
CHARLIE:
Of course you did.
288
00:17:04,962 --> 00:17:06,020
[TOM GRUNTS]
289
00:17:06,196 --> 00:17:10,496
I remember one night,
it was real hot and humid.
290
00:17:10,668 --> 00:17:15,537
I can still see the wet silk
clinging to his magnificent body.
291
00:17:17,107 --> 00:17:19,302
- [WHISPERS] Did you see this coming?
- Unh-unh.
292
00:17:20,110 --> 00:17:23,568
Then after we did our hitch,
we both went our separate ways...
293
00:17:23,747 --> 00:17:25,180
...got married, raised kids.
294
00:17:25,349 --> 00:17:28,113
We exchange Christmas cards
and family photos every year.
295
00:17:28,285 --> 00:17:32,984
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Terrific. Great, great.
Okay. Why don't we drink up and go home?
296
00:17:33,857 --> 00:17:35,449
He's still in great shape.
297
00:17:35,626 --> 00:17:38,754
Sixty-five years old
and solid as a rock.
298
00:17:38,929 --> 00:17:40,419
He lives in Valencia.
299
00:17:40,597 --> 00:17:42,462
Hey, how far is that from here?
300
00:17:42,633 --> 00:17:44,658
Not so far.
Right next to Magic Mountain.
301
00:17:44,835 --> 00:17:47,668
It's far, Alan. Real far.
302
00:17:47,838 --> 00:17:49,738
Right, right, it's far.
303
00:17:49,907 --> 00:17:51,738
Let's get you home
to your lovely wife.
304
00:17:51,909 --> 00:17:54,810
She means well,
but she doesn't understand me.
305
00:17:55,312 --> 00:17:58,645
Well, you're obviously
a complicated man.
306
00:17:59,616 --> 00:18:01,379
Come on, we got a big day tomorrow.
307
00:18:01,552 --> 00:18:03,918
Universal Studios,
then Grauman's Chinese Theater.
308
00:18:04,088 --> 00:18:05,817
I wanna go to Valencia.
309
00:18:05,989 --> 00:18:10,585
- We'll pencil it in. See if we have time.
- I wanna go now. I wanna see Ed.
310
00:18:11,095 --> 00:18:14,553
Yeah, but Ed is probably asleep.
You know, with his wife.
311
00:18:14,732 --> 00:18:16,597
- Wanna know a secret?
- No, that's okay.
312
00:18:16,767 --> 00:18:19,099
Don't ask, don't tell.
That's our philosophy.
313
00:18:19,269 --> 00:18:25,037
I brought my silk shirt and a VHS copy
of Ice Station Zebra just in case. But shh!
314
00:18:26,744 --> 00:18:29,838
You know who was great in that movie?
Rock Hudson.
315
00:18:30,047 --> 00:18:31,571
Shut up.
316
00:18:40,424 --> 00:18:42,654
You guys have fun?
317
00:18:42,826 --> 00:18:44,487
Oh, yeah.
318
00:18:46,029 --> 00:18:50,159
- My dad's really something, isn't he?
- Uh-huh.
319
00:18:50,934 --> 00:18:52,492
Kind of a man's man.
320
00:18:52,669 --> 00:18:54,796
You could say that.
321
00:18:54,972 --> 00:18:57,839
TOM: I'm telling you, Martha,
I can't live this lie anymore.
322
00:18:58,008 --> 00:19:00,806
MARTHA: You're drunk. Now come to bed.
TOM: No.
323
00:19:00,978 --> 00:19:02,570
It's a bed of lies.
324
00:19:02,746 --> 00:19:05,408
I love Edward Boynton
and he loves me.
325
00:19:06,517 --> 00:19:09,213
- What the hell is happening?
- I don't know.
326
00:19:09,386 --> 00:19:12,981
But I have a feeling your dad's
going to Magic Mountain tomorrow.
327
00:19:24,935 --> 00:19:27,460
- Hey.
- You get your mom on the plane okay?
328
00:19:27,638 --> 00:19:30,163
- Yeah.
- How's she doing?
329
00:19:30,674 --> 00:19:32,073
Pretty shook up.
330
00:19:32,242 --> 00:19:37,111
It's not every day your husband tells you
he's leaving you for a 65-year-old man.
331
00:19:38,215 --> 00:19:40,683
What bothers her more?
That her marriage is over...
332
00:19:40,851 --> 00:19:45,049
...or that her ex-husband is now
promoting the homosexual agenda.
333
00:19:45,889 --> 00:19:47,356
I'm not in the mood, Charlie.
334
00:19:47,524 --> 00:19:50,550
- You took my dad to the hotel?
- Yeah, yeah.
335
00:19:50,727 --> 00:19:53,355
And I met this Edward Boynton
he's been talking about.
336
00:19:53,530 --> 00:19:55,623
- Nice guy.
- Oh, yeah?
337
00:19:55,799 --> 00:19:57,630
Black guy.
338
00:20:01,271 --> 00:20:04,832
- Really?
- Can I be the one to tell your mom?
339
00:20:07,010 --> 00:20:08,068
I'm gonna go lay down.
340
00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:11,707
- Hey, Chels?
- What?
341
00:20:12,149 --> 00:20:15,414
Given everything that's gone down
with your dad, I'm off the hook...
342
00:20:15,586 --> 00:20:18,851
...on the whole "lying to you
about the colonoscopy" thing, right?
343
00:20:19,022 --> 00:20:20,512
Right.
344
00:20:21,692 --> 00:20:23,489
[CHARLIE SIGHS]
345
00:20:23,727 --> 00:20:27,219
Isn't it nice when things work out?
346
00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:57,350
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]