1
00:00:00,294 --> 00:00:02,287
[BEEPING]

2
00:00:20,272 --> 00:00:21,932
What the hell is that?

3
00:00:22,107 --> 00:00:25,642
Oh, sorry. I set my alarm so I could
go home before Jake wakes up.

4
00:00:25,819 --> 00:00:28,145
Turn it off.

5
00:00:28,989 --> 00:00:32,405
I'm trying, but my arm's asleep.

6
00:00:33,118 --> 00:00:34,233
[BEEPING STOPS]

7
00:00:34,411 --> 00:00:37,081
Ugh. There. Whoo.

8
00:00:37,289 --> 00:00:39,116
I can't believe you have a watch alarm.

9
00:00:39,291 --> 00:00:42,992
Yeah, it's a Timex.
Well, a really nice knock-off.

10
00:00:43,170 --> 00:00:44,415
Even has Indiglo. See?

11
00:00:44,588 --> 00:00:48,040
Oh. Oh, for God's sake, it's 6 a.m.

12
00:00:48,259 --> 00:00:51,592
Oh, I know, sorry. We agreed we don't
want our kids to know about us.

13
00:00:51,762 --> 00:00:53,043
Yeah, yeah, goodbye.

14
00:00:53,222 --> 00:00:54,930
Bye.

15
00:00:59,645 --> 00:01:02,480
Guess a little morning quickie
is out of the question.

16
00:01:02,648 --> 00:01:04,806
If you can do it without waking me up.

17
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:11,107
You're not really thinking about it,
are you?

18
00:01:25,629 --> 00:01:28,334
Dear Lord. Charlie?

19
00:01:28,507 --> 00:01:30,334
Huh?

20
00:01:30,885 --> 00:01:34,135
- You okay?
- Sure.

21
00:01:35,514 --> 00:01:37,174
Why do you ask?

22
00:01:37,349 --> 00:01:39,591
Because you're passed out
on the stairs.

23
00:01:40,477 --> 00:01:42,269
Really?

24
00:01:43,022 --> 00:01:45,310
[GROANING]

25
00:01:47,776 --> 00:01:49,852
Oh, that's not good.

26
00:01:50,654 --> 00:01:52,647
How much did you have
to drink last night?

27
00:01:53,073 --> 00:01:55,066
Let's see.

28
00:02:09,256 --> 00:02:10,715
I don't know.

29
00:02:13,594 --> 00:02:18,055
I wonder how I got my pants off
over my shoes.

30
00:02:18,432 --> 00:02:21,184
Maybe you took your shoes off
and then put them back on.

31
00:02:21,352 --> 00:02:22,810
Think it through, Alan.

32
00:02:22,978 --> 00:02:27,474
For what possible activity would I need
my pants off and my shoes on?

33
00:02:27,650 --> 00:02:30,188
I don't know.
Chasing a reluctant hooker?

34
00:02:33,113 --> 00:02:35,153
Can't rule it out.

35
00:02:36,242 --> 00:02:38,365
So where have you been?

36
00:02:38,702 --> 00:02:39,782
I was with Lyndsey.

37
00:02:40,204 --> 00:02:41,484
Who's Lyndsey?

38
00:02:41,664 --> 00:02:42,826
Eldridge's mom.

39
00:02:43,958 --> 00:02:46,034
- Who's Eldridge?
- Jake's friend.

40
00:02:47,378 --> 00:02:48,623
Jake is my son.

41
00:02:50,422 --> 00:02:52,296
I know who Jake is.

42
00:02:53,092 --> 00:02:56,176
What I don't know
is where my pants are.

43
00:02:56,595 --> 00:02:58,422
Excuse me.

44
00:03:05,437 --> 00:03:08,308
[VOMITS]

45
00:03:11,986 --> 00:03:13,978
[GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING]

46
00:03:18,492 --> 00:03:21,244
Guess who had a Cobb salad
for dinner.

47
00:03:21,745 --> 00:03:24,201
Charming. I'm, uh,
I'm gonna go lay down.

48
00:03:24,373 --> 00:03:27,824
You know, Jake may not be
the brightest monkey in the meadow...

49
00:03:28,002 --> 00:03:31,620
but even he's gonna figure out
that you're banging his buddy's mom.

50
00:03:31,964 --> 00:03:35,048
- I'll tell him when the time is right.
- And when is that?

51
00:03:35,217 --> 00:03:38,717
When Lyndsey and I have built
a solid relationship that will last.

52
00:03:38,888 --> 00:03:41,461
I don't wanna complicate
his friendship with Eldridge.

53
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,048
- Lyndsey's son, right?
- Right.

54
00:03:44,226 --> 00:03:45,637
Ha!

55
00:03:46,854 --> 00:03:48,763
Yeah, yeah, very good.

56
00:03:48,939 --> 00:03:51,265
The point is,
I haven't said anything to Jake...

57
00:03:51,442 --> 00:03:53,731
because in a lot of ways,
he's a little boy.

58
00:03:54,153 --> 00:03:57,237
He's not very sophisticated
when it comes to adult sexual...

59
00:03:58,866 --> 00:04:00,325
relationships.

60
00:04:07,458 --> 00:04:09,082
Yours?

61
00:04:11,128 --> 00:04:13,915
Alan, she's, like, 16.

62
00:04:14,089 --> 00:04:16,296
And again, I ask...

63
00:04:17,134 --> 00:04:19,293
hoping I won't be called to testify...

64
00:04:21,222 --> 00:04:24,756
yours?
- No, she's coming from Jake's room.

65
00:04:24,934 --> 00:04:27,555
Why would a girl
be leaving Jake's room at 7?

66
00:04:27,728 --> 00:04:31,179
- Why do you think?
- Oh, come on, he's 16.

67
00:04:31,357 --> 00:04:34,274
Not everybody waits
till they're a junior in college, Alan.

68
00:04:34,443 --> 00:04:37,314
Sophomore.
And I still wasn't emotionally ready.

69
00:04:37,780 --> 00:04:40,271
Well, obviously,
your kid's a little more advanced.

70
00:04:40,449 --> 00:04:42,074
No, no. This is unacceptable.

71
00:04:42,243 --> 00:04:44,912
He and I are gonna
have to have a little talk.

72
00:04:51,919 --> 00:04:53,876
Maybe he can give you some tips.

73
00:05:03,013 --> 00:05:04,556
Unbelievable.

74
00:05:04,723 --> 00:05:07,261
My little boy spent the night
with two girls.

75
00:05:07,601 --> 00:05:09,012
Two so far.

76
00:05:10,729 --> 00:05:13,137
- What?
- We don't have a final tally.

77
00:05:13,315 --> 00:05:15,723
There might be more clowns
in that car.

78
00:05:17,069 --> 00:05:19,821
- You think?
- At this point, anything's possible.

79
00:05:20,155 --> 00:05:23,607
- There's only one way to find out.
- Hang on, hang on.

80
00:05:23,784 --> 00:05:25,777
Come here, let's think this through.

81
00:05:25,953 --> 00:05:27,744
What? What is there to think through?

82
00:05:27,913 --> 00:05:30,451
The possibility of my son
hosting an orgy?

83
00:05:31,125 --> 00:05:33,082
Now, not to be a stickler...

84
00:05:33,252 --> 00:05:37,000
but technically, an orgy requires
a minimum of six participants.

85
00:05:37,173 --> 00:05:40,838
- What?
- It goes masturbation, one on one...

86
00:05:41,051 --> 00:05:45,179
threesome, two couples swinging,
two couples with a looky-loo, orgy, six.

87
00:05:46,140 --> 00:05:47,800
It frightens me that you know that.

88
00:05:48,684 --> 00:05:50,059
Everybody knows that.

89
00:05:50,352 --> 00:05:52,974
Whatever you call it,
it needs to be nipped in the bud.

90
00:05:53,147 --> 00:05:55,554
Now we're talking three girls
and a guy named Bud.

91
00:05:56,275 --> 00:05:57,306
[GRUMBLES]

92
00:05:57,484 --> 00:05:59,691
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

93
00:05:59,862 --> 00:06:01,321
What are you gonna do, punish him?

94
00:06:01,488 --> 00:06:03,481
What do you want to do,
give him a merit badge?

95
00:06:03,657 --> 00:06:06,777
- It is quite an accomplishment.
- This is not funny, Charlie.

96
00:06:06,952 --> 00:06:11,448
I'm not laughing. The kid's doing better
than I am. I woke up on the stairs alone.

97
00:06:11,999 --> 00:06:13,956
Oh, you're up.

98
00:06:14,126 --> 00:06:16,083
These were in the mailbox.

99
00:06:18,631 --> 00:06:20,374
What were they doing in the mailbox?

100
00:06:20,591 --> 00:06:22,999
I don't know,
but there's postage on them.

101
00:06:28,641 --> 00:06:31,677
Well, I clearly had a plan of some kind.

102
00:06:31,852 --> 00:06:33,679
What's everybody doing up so early?

103
00:06:33,854 --> 00:06:36,226
We just saw two girls sneaking out
of Jake's room.

104
00:06:36,398 --> 00:06:38,023
Two?

105
00:06:38,234 --> 00:06:40,689
- Two.
- Taterhead had a threesome?

106
00:06:42,488 --> 00:06:44,315
We don't know that.

107
00:06:44,490 --> 00:06:46,862
Maybe they were having
an all-night study session.

108
00:06:49,161 --> 00:06:50,536
My God, he had a threesome.

109
00:06:52,373 --> 00:06:53,701
- Morning.
- Morning.

110
00:06:53,874 --> 00:06:55,831
- Morning.
- Morning.

111
00:07:07,721 --> 00:07:09,548
- Hungry?
- Yep.

112
00:07:09,723 --> 00:07:11,383
- Thirsty?
- Mm-hm.

113
00:07:11,725 --> 00:07:13,385
Proud?

114
00:07:13,853 --> 00:07:15,263
- What?
- Ignore him.

115
00:07:15,437 --> 00:07:17,763
So, what'd you wind up doing
last night?

116
00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:19,897
- Nothing.
- "Nothing," you say.

117
00:07:20,943 --> 00:07:23,860
- So just an evening alone in your room?
- Pretty much.

118
00:07:24,238 --> 00:07:26,029
Quiet, uneventful?

119
00:07:27,408 --> 00:07:29,032
Boring?

120
00:07:29,201 --> 00:07:30,232
I guess.

121
00:07:30,411 --> 00:07:32,866
Nothing I have to clean up?

122
00:07:33,289 --> 00:07:36,040
Nope. Wait, I did have a sandwich in bed.

123
00:07:36,208 --> 00:07:37,750
I knew it.

124
00:07:40,588 --> 00:07:43,209
- What are you talking about?
- We saw the girls, Jake.

125
00:07:45,176 --> 00:07:46,551
Well, this is awkward.

126
00:07:47,970 --> 00:07:50,722
Two hotties sneaking out of your room.
Up top, stud.

127
00:07:50,890 --> 00:07:53,926
Charlie, this does not call for a high five.

128
00:07:54,101 --> 00:07:56,094
You're right. It's hugging time.

129
00:07:56,270 --> 00:07:58,595
- Come here, you dog.
- Stop it. Stop it.

130
00:07:59,940 --> 00:08:01,897
I wanna know
what those girls were doing.

131
00:08:02,067 --> 00:08:03,775
They were making a sandwich.

132
00:08:03,944 --> 00:08:06,067
Would you please?

133
00:08:06,906 --> 00:08:08,448
I am waiting for an answer.

134
00:08:08,824 --> 00:08:12,489
Their names are Tiffany and Joanne.
They're from my school and into surfing.

135
00:08:12,703 --> 00:08:15,621
Terrific. So, what were they
doing in your room?

136
00:08:15,789 --> 00:08:17,782
Hey, chill, I'm getting to it.

137
00:08:17,958 --> 00:08:20,117
- Yeah, chill.
- He's getting to it.

138
00:08:21,921 --> 00:08:25,005
They were gonna sleep in their car
so they could hit the waves...

139
00:08:25,216 --> 00:08:28,964
and I told them they could crash here.
- So nothing happened?

140
00:08:29,136 --> 00:08:31,295
No, we're just friends.
I slept on the floor.

141
00:08:31,514 --> 00:08:33,387
BOTH:
Aww.

142
00:08:33,557 --> 00:08:36,344
This is not "aww." This is "yay."

143
00:08:37,436 --> 00:08:38,847
BOTH:
Yay.

144
00:08:39,605 --> 00:08:41,479
So when I asked you, why did you lie?

145
00:08:41,815 --> 00:08:43,974
It's usually the simpler path.

146
00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:47,611
Why didn't you ask permission
before asking your friends over?

147
00:08:47,780 --> 00:08:50,781
You weren't around.
Where were you, by the way?

148
00:08:54,161 --> 00:08:55,324
I went to the gym.

149
00:08:56,997 --> 00:09:00,331
Yeah, a little, uh, cardio, spinning class,
light weights.

150
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:02,659
I'm just into maintenance,
not bulking up.

151
00:09:02,837 --> 00:09:04,165
Don't find that attractive.

152
00:09:04,338 --> 00:09:08,003
I prefer the lean, mean swimmer's body,
you know, like...

153
00:09:08,175 --> 00:09:09,669
Jesus.

154
00:09:10,469 --> 00:09:12,841
Nice, Alan, drag our Lord into it.

155
00:09:13,556 --> 00:09:16,177
You still could've called me
or asked your uncle.

156
00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:20,051
You didn't answer your phone, Uncle
Charlie was busy trying to mail his pants.

157
00:09:20,271 --> 00:09:23,355
Good, you saw that. Did I happen
to mention why I was doing it?

158
00:09:23,691 --> 00:09:25,814
- Nope.
- And you didn't ask?

159
00:09:25,985 --> 00:09:28,558
Over the years,
I've learned to look the other way.

160
00:09:28,779 --> 00:09:30,819
All right, let's not get off track here.

161
00:09:30,990 --> 00:09:34,074
If you're gonna have company,
you give one of us a heads up.

162
00:09:34,285 --> 00:09:36,361
- Fine.
- Oh, hey, look...

163
00:09:36,537 --> 00:09:38,862
there's a note in my pocket.

164
00:09:42,543 --> 00:09:45,212
"Dear Inspected By Number 94:"

165
00:09:45,379 --> 00:09:48,713
It is with a heavy heart
that I write to you.

166
00:09:48,883 --> 00:09:53,295
The zipper you signed off on
has snagged my ball sack.

167
00:09:58,058 --> 00:10:00,181
Thank you for your attention
to this matter.

168
00:10:00,352 --> 00:10:03,686
"Sincerely yours,
Charles Francis Harper."

169
00:10:05,441 --> 00:10:08,442
Well, that explains the blood
in my shorts.

170
00:10:10,738 --> 00:10:12,565
I hope.

171
00:10:16,744 --> 00:10:20,029
LYNDSEY:
I've got a little surprise for you.

172
00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:22,531
Well, I've got a...

173
00:10:22,708 --> 00:10:25,579
what I'm told
is a perfectly adequate surprise for you.

174
00:10:26,587 --> 00:10:27,702
You like?

175
00:10:29,632 --> 00:10:31,209
Oh, yes. Ha, ha.

176
00:10:31,383 --> 00:10:34,254
Your surprise has greatly enhanced
my surprise.

177
00:10:35,971 --> 00:10:39,969
Oh, is that whipped cream
or are you planning to shave me?

178
00:10:41,101 --> 00:10:43,224
I mean, you know, I'm fine either way.

179
00:10:43,395 --> 00:10:46,065
- It's whipped cream, Alan.
- Oh, okay.

180
00:10:46,232 --> 00:10:48,438
Uh, fat free?
Because I'm trying to cut down.

181
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,444
Relax, you're not gonna be
the one licking it up.

182
00:10:54,782 --> 00:10:56,276
Oh.

183
00:10:57,910 --> 00:10:58,941
Well, <i>bon appétit.</i>

184
00:11:01,789 --> 00:11:03,781
ELDRIDGE: Ma!
- Damn.

185
00:11:03,958 --> 00:11:06,116
Eldridge, why aren't you in school?

186
00:11:06,293 --> 00:11:08,582
ELDRIDGE:
It's a half day. Teachers' conference.

187
00:11:08,754 --> 00:11:11,126
- How come I didn't know about that?
ELDRIDGE: I don't know.

188
00:11:11,298 --> 00:11:13,125
Jake's gonna stay for dinner, okay?

189
00:11:13,634 --> 00:11:15,959
Uh... Did he ask his dad?

190
00:11:16,136 --> 00:11:18,841
JAKE:
Yes, Mrs. MacElroy. He said it's fine.

191
00:11:19,014 --> 00:11:21,636
- No, he didn't. He's totally lying.
- Shh!

192
00:11:21,809 --> 00:11:22,971
He's been lying a lot lately.

193
00:11:23,143 --> 00:11:26,975
Boy, you try to bring a kid up
with some values...

194
00:11:27,147 --> 00:11:30,931
Hand me a tissue, will you? The whipped
cream's dripping into my crack.

195
00:11:31,902 --> 00:11:33,610
Want some pie?

196
00:11:33,779 --> 00:11:35,154
Sure. Got any whipped cream?

197
00:11:35,322 --> 00:11:37,529
Usually we do.

198
00:11:38,617 --> 00:11:40,028
I don't see it.

199
00:11:40,202 --> 00:11:43,488
Man, we go through a lot
of whipped cream in this house.

200
00:11:48,294 --> 00:11:50,286
[DOG BARKING]

201
00:11:54,717 --> 00:11:56,259
Was that my dad?

202
00:12:13,319 --> 00:12:14,813
Hi.

203
00:12:18,866 --> 00:12:20,146
Hello.

204
00:12:22,203 --> 00:12:25,903
Did you know rottweilers are attracted
to the scent of whipped cream?

205
00:12:26,123 --> 00:12:28,495
- Matter of fact, I did know that.
- Mm.

206
00:12:29,210 --> 00:12:31,249
- I just learned it.
- Hmm.

207
00:12:32,838 --> 00:12:35,376
Jake almost caught me sneaking out
of Lyndsey's house.

208
00:12:35,549 --> 00:12:37,756
- Really?
- Close call.

209
00:12:38,010 --> 00:12:39,718
- One question.
- Yeah?

210
00:12:39,887 --> 00:12:43,007
Whose idea was it to spice things up
with a large dog?

211
00:12:44,141 --> 00:12:45,683
The dog was not with us in bed.

212
00:12:45,851 --> 00:12:48,223
The dog was being walked
by a 9-year-old girl...

213
00:12:48,395 --> 00:12:51,100
who was not quite capable
of holding onto the leash...

214
00:12:51,273 --> 00:12:55,769
when he got a whiff of my nonfat,
dairy-scented crotch.

215
00:12:56,737 --> 00:12:58,730
Okay, okay.

216
00:12:58,906 --> 00:13:00,365
I'm not judging...

217
00:13:00,533 --> 00:13:05,194
but why was a 9-year-old girl walking
her dog through Lyndsey's bedroom?

218
00:13:05,454 --> 00:13:08,574
No, the girl was on the street
with the dog.

219
00:13:08,958 --> 00:13:10,582
Oh, all right, another question...

220
00:13:10,751 --> 00:13:14,001
I was on the street because
I was sneaking out of Lyndsey's house.

221
00:13:14,171 --> 00:13:15,582
Ah.

222
00:13:15,798 --> 00:13:19,416
You know, for such a boring guy,
you lead a very complicated life.

223
00:13:21,095 --> 00:13:23,965
Yeah, it's a paradox, isn't it?

224
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:28,807
Iced tea?

225
00:13:28,978 --> 00:13:32,429
When you try to mail your pants
to a garment inspector in Malaysia...

226
00:13:32,606 --> 00:13:34,729
it's time to quit drinking.

227
00:13:39,822 --> 00:13:44,116
Some might say that day came and went
when you gave yourself that haircut.

228
00:13:46,787 --> 00:13:48,744
But good for you.

229
00:13:49,456 --> 00:13:52,623
Yep, long overdue.

230
00:13:53,294 --> 00:13:55,749
- Want a beer?
- You just said you were quitting.

231
00:13:56,755 --> 00:13:58,298
I did and I am.

232
00:13:58,465 --> 00:14:00,624
My drinking days are over.

233
00:14:01,594 --> 00:14:03,254
See? Beer.

234
00:14:06,140 --> 00:14:07,171
[DOOR CLOSES]

235
00:14:07,349 --> 00:14:10,184
JAKE: Hello?
- Oh, uh, in here.

236
00:14:10,352 --> 00:14:13,472
- Ix-nay on the ottweiler-ray.
- What?

237
00:14:13,647 --> 00:14:17,147
Oggy-day who tried to ite-bay
my alls-bay. Hey, buddy.

238
00:14:17,443 --> 00:14:18,474
I'm not your buddy.

239
00:14:18,652 --> 00:14:20,479
- What?
- I just came to get my stuff.

240
00:14:20,654 --> 00:14:23,026
- I'm staying with Mom and Herb.
- Why?

241
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,447
I saw you sneaking out
of Eldridge's house.

242
00:14:25,826 --> 00:14:29,112
Oh, Alan, no.

243
00:14:29,747 --> 00:14:32,498
Are you crazy?
Having sex with my best friend's mom?

244
00:14:32,666 --> 00:14:35,122
Hey, shame on you.

245
00:14:35,294 --> 00:14:36,954
I had no idea, Jake.

246
00:14:37,129 --> 00:14:40,165
I was gonna tell you,
you know, eventually.

247
00:14:40,341 --> 00:14:41,799
You're such a liar.

248
00:14:41,967 --> 00:14:46,047
Oh, I'm a liar? What were you doing
at Eldridge's in the first place?

249
00:14:46,263 --> 00:14:49,015
You certainly didn't ask permission
from me.

250
00:14:50,351 --> 00:14:52,142
Attaboy.

251
00:14:53,187 --> 00:14:57,019
Try to take the high road with a crotch
full of whipped cream and dog spittle.

252
00:15:03,072 --> 00:15:06,357
You know, I feel a lot better
since I've stopped drinking.

253
00:15:08,661 --> 00:15:11,199
Yeah, we're all proud of you.

254
00:15:11,372 --> 00:15:14,538
I have more energy,
I'm certainly more clear-headed.

255
00:15:14,708 --> 00:15:17,579
Downside is I might have
to put a chip clip on my johnson...

256
00:15:17,795 --> 00:15:20,001
to keep from peeing my pants.

257
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,374
I really screwed up. I should've been
honest with Jake from the beginning.

258
00:15:24,552 --> 00:15:26,544
Told him
I was seeing his friend's mother.

259
00:15:26,887 --> 00:15:30,221
Or you could've not slept with
his friend's mother in the first place.

260
00:15:31,058 --> 00:15:34,094
Really? You're gonna preach
sexual restraint to me?

261
00:15:35,813 --> 00:15:39,396
Let me explain something to you, Alan.
Jake expects me to betray his trust.

262
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:41,892
You are held to a higher standard.

263
00:15:42,069 --> 00:15:43,563
- Is that so?
- It is.

264
00:15:43,737 --> 00:15:47,272
You're like some kind of right-wing,
pro-family-values senator...

265
00:15:47,449 --> 00:15:50,569
caught on his knees in an airport toilet
with a male hooker.

266
00:15:50,744 --> 00:15:53,318
Whereas I am a well-known rascal.

267
00:15:54,957 --> 00:15:57,911
When I don't do the wrong thing,
people are disappointed.

268
00:15:58,919 --> 00:16:00,912
Is that supposed
to make me feel better?

269
00:16:01,088 --> 00:16:04,457
No, the story was about me.
God, you're such a narcissist.

270
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:09,596
You know what, I can't just sit here
and do nothing. I owe Jake an apology.

271
00:16:09,763 --> 00:16:12,883
- You're going to Judith's? I'll come.
- Why?

272
00:16:13,142 --> 00:16:16,226
Why? You're my brother,
I wanna support you.

273
00:16:16,395 --> 00:16:18,103
- Really?
- No, I'm just out of beer.

274
00:16:20,232 --> 00:16:22,521
But I do love
that you still fall for that.

275
00:16:25,738 --> 00:16:27,730
Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.

276
00:16:27,907 --> 00:16:30,113
I am. I haven't had a drink all day.

277
00:16:30,784 --> 00:16:33,322
She's talking to me, Charlie.
And, no, I'm not.

278
00:16:33,495 --> 00:16:35,618
Okay, Millie's finally asleep.

279
00:16:35,789 --> 00:16:39,158
- Ooh, is that real beer?
- Knock yourself out.

280
00:16:39,376 --> 00:16:41,665
Oh, thanks.
I'm going to regret this in the morning.

281
00:16:43,631 --> 00:16:46,964
My God, Alan, I can't believe
you're sleeping with Lyndsey MacElroy.

282
00:16:47,134 --> 00:16:49,127
You're sleeping
with Lyndsey MacElroy?

283
00:16:49,970 --> 00:16:51,299
My man.

284
00:16:52,515 --> 00:16:56,382
- How could you do that?
- Yeah, how? Don't leave anything out.

285
00:16:57,603 --> 00:17:01,138
It just happened. Her son and Jake
are friends, which is how we met...

286
00:17:01,315 --> 00:17:03,142
and we, you know, hit it off.

287
00:17:03,317 --> 00:17:05,773
You don't sleep
with your son's friend's mother.

288
00:17:06,028 --> 00:17:09,444
No, no, you marry his pediatrician.

289
00:17:13,827 --> 00:17:15,203
He's got you there, sweetie.

290
00:17:17,289 --> 00:17:18,831
There's a rumor going around...

291
00:17:18,999 --> 00:17:21,953
that Lyndsey was in a porn movie
before she got married.

292
00:17:22,127 --> 00:17:23,326
Really, which one?

293
00:17:23,504 --> 00:17:26,540
I don't know, I've been checking
Cinemax every night for months.

294
00:17:26,715 --> 00:17:29,123
- Oh, I love their stuff.
- It's classy, right?

295
00:17:29,301 --> 00:17:34,129
A little story, nice lighting,
and you never have to see the guy's junk.

296
00:17:34,932 --> 00:17:36,474
What is wrong with you?

297
00:17:36,642 --> 00:17:38,848
You don't like seeing that stuff either.

298
00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:43,731
I think that's enough beer, sweetheart.
I'll get Jake.

299
00:17:44,984 --> 00:17:46,015
There you go, pal.

300
00:17:46,193 --> 00:17:48,649
Thanks, but you heard her.
I've had enough.

301
00:17:50,030 --> 00:17:52,818
Boy, oh, boy, Lyndsey MacElroy.

302
00:17:52,992 --> 00:17:54,569
You are one lucky ducky.

303
00:17:55,202 --> 00:17:57,195
- Yeah, she's very beautiful.
HERB: Yeah.

304
00:17:57,371 --> 00:17:59,031
Sometimes I drive past her house...

305
00:17:59,206 --> 00:18:04,248
she's out watering her lawn in her
shorty shorts and halter top, cowabunga.

306
00:18:05,671 --> 00:18:09,005
JUDITH: No one wants to talk to him,
but he's your father.

307
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:12,010
- Oh, hey, buddy.
- What do you want?

308
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:16,424
What I want is to apologize for not
telling you about me and Eldridge's mom.

309
00:18:16,599 --> 00:18:20,181
You know, this is between you guys.
I'm just gonna go take a hot shower.

310
00:18:22,730 --> 00:18:24,722
Eldridge doesn't wanna be friends
with me.

311
00:18:24,899 --> 00:18:28,766
Oh, I am so sorry. This can't be the first
time something like this happened.

312
00:18:28,986 --> 00:18:31,607
How many times has Charlie slept
with somebody you knew?

313
00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:34,069
Yeah, but I expect that from him.

314
00:18:34,241 --> 00:18:36,815
See, Alan? I'm Teflon.

315
00:18:38,495 --> 00:18:41,069
You're a perv, is what you are.

316
00:18:42,917 --> 00:18:45,752
It's not just that you were sleeping
with her, you lied.

317
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:49,917
You're right. I should've told you the truth
and Lyndsey should've told Eldridge.

318
00:18:50,090 --> 00:18:52,926
But when it happened,
we didn't know if it would even last.

319
00:18:53,093 --> 00:18:56,925
- I don't like you keeping things from me.
- That's fair and I'll make you a deal.

320
00:18:57,097 --> 00:19:00,881
From now on, I will be open and honest
with you, you'll do the same with me.

321
00:19:01,060 --> 00:19:03,218
- Deal?
- I guess.

322
00:19:03,562 --> 00:19:04,593
Thanks.

323
00:19:04,939 --> 00:19:06,481
I have to go finish my homework.

324
00:19:06,649 --> 00:19:09,436
- Hey, so I'll see you this weekend?
- Sure.

325
00:19:09,610 --> 00:19:11,401
Great. Love you, buddy.

326
00:19:11,570 --> 00:19:12,815
Don't push it, Dad.

327
00:19:14,073 --> 00:19:15,816
You're lucky he's so forgiving.

328
00:19:16,033 --> 00:19:17,408
Takes after his mom, huh?

329
00:19:19,161 --> 00:19:21,569
Um, you know, we should go.

330
00:19:22,081 --> 00:19:23,623
I gotta pee. You mind, Judith?

331
00:19:23,791 --> 00:19:25,499
Just try to hit the bowl this time.

332
00:19:25,668 --> 00:19:28,669
Don't worry,
I only miss when I've been drinking.

333
00:19:28,963 --> 00:19:31,121
ALAN:
I'll wait in the car.

334
00:19:32,132 --> 00:19:33,331
Hey, Judith?

335
00:19:35,052 --> 00:19:36,463
Is there surfing around here?

336
00:19:36,637 --> 00:19:38,843
What? We're 20 miles from the beach.

337
00:19:39,056 --> 00:19:40,634
That's what I thought.

338
00:19:40,808 --> 00:19:42,302
I am so proud of that kid.

339
00:19:47,773 --> 00:19:49,148
Isn't this nice?

340
00:19:49,316 --> 00:19:54,856
The four of us sitting down, having
dinner, open, honest, no secrets? Heh.

341
00:19:55,030 --> 00:19:56,525
- Yeah.
- Thrilling.

342
00:19:57,867 --> 00:20:01,117
So, Jake, your dad tells me
you're getting into the surfing scene.

343
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:03,528
- What do you mean?
- You know, uh, Tiffany and Joanne.

344
00:20:03,706 --> 00:20:04,951
Oh, yeah, right.

345
00:20:05,124 --> 00:20:06,583
Tiffany and Joanne surf?

346
00:20:06,917 --> 00:20:09,325
Yes, Eldridge. They surf.

347
00:20:11,046 --> 00:20:12,706
Charlie, would you like some pizza?

348
00:20:13,132 --> 00:20:16,382
No, thanks,
I'm kind of on a health kick.

349
00:20:18,596 --> 00:20:22,925
- Didn't you tell me he quit drinking?
- He actually thinks he did.

350
00:20:23,517 --> 00:20:25,426
[PHONE RINGS]

351
00:20:26,395 --> 00:20:29,978
Hello? Oh, hey, Herb. What's up?

352
00:20:30,232 --> 00:20:32,854
Really? Right now?

353
00:20:33,027 --> 00:20:34,770
Hang on.

354
00:20:39,283 --> 00:20:40,658
Are you sure?

355
00:20:40,826 --> 00:20:41,989
Wait, wait, wait.

356
00:20:42,828 --> 00:20:44,620
- Hey, Lyndsey?
- Mm?

357
00:20:44,914 --> 00:20:46,194
Never mind.

358
00:20:46,373 --> 00:20:48,496
You're right, it's her.

359
00:20:50,294 --> 00:20:51,954
Okay, Herb, thanks.

360
00:20:52,129 --> 00:20:54,252
Well, great, great. Have a nice shower.

361
00:20:57,218 --> 00:20:59,543
[WHIPPED CREAM SPRAYING]

362
00:21:00,554 --> 00:21:03,555
Boy, she sure does like
the whipped cream.

363
00:21:30,543 --> 00:21:32,619
[English - US - SDH]