1
00:00:02,921 --> 00:00:04,581
Alrighty. Here we go.
2
00:00:04,756 --> 00:00:07,330
Thirty-eight dollars and 41 cents
for school pictures.
3
00:00:07,509 --> 00:00:09,051
Thanks.
4
00:00:09,469 --> 00:00:11,758
- You forgot to sign it.
- No... Did I?
5
00:00:11,930 --> 00:00:14,504
Oh, silly me. Ha, ha.
6
00:00:14,933 --> 00:00:19,928
Um, "Alan Jerome Harper, D.C."
7
00:00:20,397 --> 00:00:22,057
District of Columbia?
8
00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:25,560
Doctor of Chiropractic.
9
00:00:25,777 --> 00:00:28,980
You know, not everyone
can use those letters after his name.
10
00:00:29,156 --> 00:00:31,825
Congratulations. Give me the check.
11
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,488
You put the wrong date.
12
00:00:36,038 --> 00:00:38,659
- Oh, did I?
- Yeah. See? It's for next month.
13
00:00:39,249 --> 00:00:42,369
Ah, don't worry about that.
That's just for bookkeeping purposes.
14
00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:45,919
This isn't like the check you gave me
for the field trip to Catalina?
15
00:00:46,131 --> 00:00:49,048
- Hey, that was the bank's mistake.
- The teacher made me...
16
00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:52,551
stay on the boat while everyone else
went swimming with dolphins.
17
00:00:52,804 --> 00:00:54,299
Dolphins carry disease, Jake.
18
00:00:55,307 --> 00:00:58,391
Alan Harper, D.I.C.
19
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,016
- You're welcome.
JAKE: You're cheap.
20
00:01:01,188 --> 00:01:04,058
I'm not cheap, I'm broke.
There's a difference.
21
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:07,103
He was cheap
long before he was broke.
22
00:01:09,404 --> 00:01:12,939
If you knew what I'd done on that table,
you wouldn't put your face on it.
23
00:01:16,536 --> 00:01:19,703
I don't get it. I'm a good guy,
I try to do the right thing...
24
00:01:19,873 --> 00:01:21,664
and I have nothing to show for it.
25
00:01:21,833 --> 00:01:25,000
You still grinding on the fact
that you finally met a great gal...
26
00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:28,041
moved in with her,
had a house you could call your own...
27
00:01:28,215 --> 00:01:31,216
then burned it down
along with all your possessions...
28
00:01:31,426 --> 00:01:33,300
and watched her run off with her ex?
29
00:01:33,470 --> 00:01:35,842
Was it necessary
to list the entire fiasco?
30
00:01:36,056 --> 00:01:37,515
I enjoy the occasional recap.
31
00:01:39,059 --> 00:01:41,728
- But look at the bright side.
- What bright side?
32
00:01:41,937 --> 00:01:45,306
I just got a big residual check,
and I'm heading to Vegas.
33
00:01:45,482 --> 00:01:49,349
Oh, my God. Do you have any idea
how long it would take me to earn that?
34
00:01:49,569 --> 00:01:51,112
Oh, don't think like that.
35
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,735
You're never gonna earn
that kind of money.
36
00:01:54,408 --> 00:01:55,522
[GROANS]
37
00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:57,658
- Seriously, table.
- Oh!
38
00:01:58,453 --> 00:02:00,576
Okay, I know I give you a hard time...
39
00:02:00,747 --> 00:02:04,163
but it makes me feel horrible
watching you go through this.
40
00:02:05,377 --> 00:02:07,666
- You know what I'm gonna do?
- What?
41
00:02:07,879 --> 00:02:09,077
Stop watching you.
42
00:02:11,591 --> 00:02:14,379
I'm starting to feel better already.
43
00:02:15,429 --> 00:02:17,172
Table.
44
00:02:28,775 --> 00:02:32,440
- Okay, I'm out of here.
ALAN: Bye.
45
00:02:32,612 --> 00:02:36,610
Oh, Zippy.
I can't stand seeing you like this.
46
00:02:36,783 --> 00:02:39,357
You going to Vegas too?
47
00:02:39,536 --> 00:02:40,947
I wish.
48
00:02:43,290 --> 00:02:46,456
You know, I've been where you are.
49
00:02:47,044 --> 00:02:49,285
What did you do on the table?
50
00:02:54,551 --> 00:02:56,840
No, I've been down and out.
51
00:02:57,012 --> 00:03:00,345
I've lost everything. Didn't know
where my next meal was coming from.
52
00:03:00,807 --> 00:03:03,381
- Really?
- Felt like I was all alone in the world.
53
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:07,344
No friends. Nobody who gave a damn
whether I lived or died.
54
00:03:07,856 --> 00:03:08,935
What'd you do?
55
00:03:09,149 --> 00:03:13,147
Well, first thing I did
was pick myself up, dust myself off...
56
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:15,811
and rat out
my ex-boyfriend to the feds.
57
00:03:16,782 --> 00:03:17,813
You're kidding.
58
00:03:18,033 --> 00:03:19,741
Got a 2500-dollar reward...
59
00:03:19,951 --> 00:03:22,573
from the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms.
60
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:28,079
Took that and invested in a pallet
of counterfeit Jordache jeans.
61
00:03:28,335 --> 00:03:32,035
Set up a booth at the Rose Bowl
swap meet. Made a killing.
62
00:03:32,547 --> 00:03:34,374
- Really?
- Took those profits...
63
00:03:34,549 --> 00:03:39,211
and opened up a little doughnut shop
across the street from a police station.
64
00:03:40,013 --> 00:03:42,172
Can't miss, right?
65
00:03:42,391 --> 00:03:45,178
Turns out,
cops don't like paying for doughnuts.
66
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:49,559
Lost my ass.
67
00:03:50,857 --> 00:03:53,894
Had to go to work cleaning toilets
for strangers.
68
00:03:54,861 --> 00:03:56,356
What's the point of this story?
69
00:03:56,571 --> 00:04:00,023
I just wanted you to know
I've had a colorful past.
70
00:04:02,744 --> 00:04:04,536
Good night.
71
00:04:05,455 --> 00:04:06,914
[GROANS]
72
00:04:07,082 --> 00:04:09,490
It was a hell of a story.
73
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,625
Jake, I'm gonna take a nap.
74
00:05:05,265 --> 00:05:06,759
[GRUNTING]
75
00:05:16,777 --> 00:05:18,271
Ow.
76
00:05:33,335 --> 00:05:35,873
Egyptian cotton.
77
00:05:36,713 --> 00:05:38,706
[HUMMING]
78
00:05:44,388 --> 00:05:47,970
Might as well take a nap in style
for a change.
79
00:05:56,149 --> 00:05:58,605
Oh, yeah.
80
00:06:01,530 --> 00:06:05,658
No wonder he can have so much sex.
The mattress does half the work.
81
00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:09,157
Oh, hello.
82
00:06:09,830 --> 00:06:11,703
New TV.
83
00:06:12,499 --> 00:06:18,418
Remote. Remote. Where is the remote?
84
00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:23,509
Poor Charlie.
85
00:06:23,677 --> 00:06:26,002
Went to Vegas
and forgot his hooker money.
86
00:06:29,933 --> 00:06:32,009
Oh, here we go.
87
00:06:43,947 --> 00:06:45,406
What the hell?
88
00:06:45,657 --> 00:06:48,231
You sick bastard.
89
00:06:49,911 --> 00:06:51,370
Hmm.
90
00:06:51,913 --> 00:06:54,535
This would be terrific with a woman.
91
00:07:06,178 --> 00:07:10,222
Ugh. My ass cannot be that big.
92
00:07:18,190 --> 00:07:20,099
Who's your daddy?
93
00:07:20,484 --> 00:07:21,563
Who's your daddy?
94
00:07:21,735 --> 00:07:23,692
Unfortunately, you are.
95
00:07:25,572 --> 00:07:27,814
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing up here?
96
00:07:28,075 --> 00:07:29,948
You're on the TV downstairs.
97
00:07:31,953 --> 00:07:34,907
Yes, well,
there's a very good explanation for that.
98
00:07:35,123 --> 00:07:37,080
- I'm listening.
- It never happened.
99
00:07:38,418 --> 00:07:40,790
Understood, Daddy.
100
00:07:45,008 --> 00:07:47,084
This is Charlie Harper
in the garden suite.
101
00:07:47,260 --> 00:07:49,633
I'm gonna need a couple more pillows
and some ice.
102
00:07:49,805 --> 00:07:51,347
Thank you.
103
00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:55,632
Okay.
104
00:07:55,811 --> 00:07:57,009
This is nice.
105
00:07:57,229 --> 00:07:59,387
Quiet. Private.
106
00:07:59,564 --> 00:08:01,142
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
107
00:08:01,316 --> 00:08:02,976
Come on in.
108
00:08:05,153 --> 00:08:06,434
Mr. Harper?
109
00:08:06,655 --> 00:08:08,279
Call me Charlie.
110
00:08:09,449 --> 00:08:10,694
All right, Charlie.
111
00:08:10,867 --> 00:08:11,947
Call me Kendra.
112
00:08:12,786 --> 00:08:14,944
Can I call you Nurse Kendra?
113
00:08:15,789 --> 00:08:17,034
If you like.
114
00:08:17,290 --> 00:08:18,322
Oh, I like.
115
00:08:20,335 --> 00:08:24,333
I gotta tell you, I'm a little nervous.
I've never done anything like this.
116
00:08:24,548 --> 00:08:26,042
Oh, a newbie.
117
00:08:26,258 --> 00:08:29,378
Well, don't worry, you're in good hands.
118
00:08:29,636 --> 00:08:33,504
- Is it gonna hurt?
- Maybe a little soreness afterwards.
119
00:08:33,682 --> 00:08:35,010
Some bruising.
120
00:08:35,809 --> 00:08:38,134
Well, I guess
that's what I'm paying for, right?
121
00:08:39,563 --> 00:08:42,517
Hello, Mr. Harper.
Welcome to the Schenkman Clinic.
122
00:08:43,150 --> 00:08:46,316
We have you down for an eye lift
and a neck tuck in the morning.
123
00:08:46,486 --> 00:08:49,653
- That's correct.
- Is there anything else you'd like done?
124
00:08:49,823 --> 00:08:52,777
Little lipo? Nose job?
Penis enlargement?
125
00:08:53,577 --> 00:08:54,988
No, no, no, thanks.
126
00:08:55,162 --> 00:08:58,661
For the record, I got a penis enlargement
when you walked in the room.
127
00:08:59,207 --> 00:09:01,034
Thank you.
128
00:09:01,668 --> 00:09:03,827
Do you have any questions? Concerns?
129
00:09:04,004 --> 00:09:06,495
I don't think so.
I wanna make sure I look natural...
130
00:09:06,673 --> 00:09:10,422
like I haven't had any work done.
- Don't worry. My work is undetectable.
131
00:09:10,594 --> 00:09:15,220
In fact, you might be surprised to learn
that Kendra is a 62-year-old black man.
132
00:09:18,352 --> 00:09:22,515
I'm kidding. But those boobs?
Those are Schenkman's.
133
00:09:23,190 --> 00:09:25,515
I'm not sure I want my eyes
to pop out like that.
134
00:09:25,692 --> 00:09:26,723
[CHUCKLES]
135
00:09:26,902 --> 00:09:29,689
- You're gonna look great. See you.
- Thanks you, doc.
136
00:09:30,364 --> 00:09:31,609
Anything else you need?
137
00:09:32,407 --> 00:09:34,115
I think I'm okay.
138
00:09:34,326 --> 00:09:36,449
Wait, wait, wait. There is one thing.
139
00:09:37,371 --> 00:09:39,447
No, you can't see them.
140
00:09:39,706 --> 00:09:41,580
Then I'm good.
141
00:09:45,170 --> 00:09:46,201
[DOORBELL RINGS]
142
00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:49,250
ALAN:
Jake, your mom's here.
143
00:09:55,389 --> 00:09:56,420
Hey.
144
00:09:57,099 --> 00:09:59,637
Well, I guess it was probably inevitable.
145
00:10:00,394 --> 00:10:01,936
What? Oh, the clothes.
146
00:10:02,104 --> 00:10:04,891
Well, as you know,
most of mine burned up in the fire...
147
00:10:05,065 --> 00:10:07,603
and Charlie's in Vegas,
so I figured, why not?
148
00:10:07,859 --> 00:10:09,484
Because you look like an idiot.
149
00:10:10,654 --> 00:10:12,397
- Hey, Mom.
- Bye, buddy.
150
00:10:12,906 --> 00:10:14,733
Get help.
151
00:10:17,494 --> 00:10:19,072
Wish I could afford it.
152
00:10:22,165 --> 00:10:25,617
Oh, man, my life is pathetic.
153
00:10:27,629 --> 00:10:30,464
On the other hand...
154
00:10:31,675 --> 00:10:34,427
Charlie's life is great.
155
00:10:35,387 --> 00:10:37,960
Bartender, drinks for everybody.
156
00:10:38,140 --> 00:10:39,883
[ALL CHEER]
157
00:10:40,058 --> 00:10:42,430
Just house brands.
158
00:10:42,602 --> 00:10:44,928
Hi. Charlie Harper.
159
00:10:51,445 --> 00:10:54,944
Wow, a house on the beach.
That's awesome, Charlie.
160
00:10:55,157 --> 00:10:58,442
I suppose it must seem that way.
You'd think driving around town...
161
00:10:58,618 --> 00:11:02,284
in a big, brand-new Mercedes
would also be pretty awesome...
162
00:11:02,456 --> 00:11:03,570
And it is.
163
00:11:04,583 --> 00:11:06,908
- But at the end of the day,
it doesn't matter...
164
00:11:07,085 --> 00:11:11,165
how much stuff you have.
What matters is what's in here.
165
00:11:11,340 --> 00:11:13,297
What is in here?
166
00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:15,258
Oh, pff, More cash.
167
00:11:16,636 --> 00:11:18,676
How about that? Ha, ha.
168
00:11:18,847 --> 00:11:21,089
And you got all that
just by writing jingles?
169
00:11:21,308 --> 00:11:23,265
I know. Not even a real job.
170
00:11:23,435 --> 00:11:26,140
What can I say?
You know, some of us are very lucky.
171
00:11:27,064 --> 00:11:30,764
Very, very, very lucky.
172
00:11:31,318 --> 00:11:32,516
Charlie?
173
00:11:32,694 --> 00:11:35,268
Yeah, Charlie.
174
00:11:35,822 --> 00:11:38,657
I mean, yeah, pff, Charlie, pff.
175
00:11:39,826 --> 00:11:42,531
- You wanna get out of here?
- Wow, where'd that come from?
176
00:11:42,704 --> 00:11:47,117
- I thought we were getting along.
- No, I mean together.
177
00:11:47,292 --> 00:11:50,661
- Some place quiet?
- Oh, yes. Yes, by all means.
178
00:11:50,837 --> 00:11:52,296
Let's go somewhere quiet.
179
00:11:52,506 --> 00:11:55,210
Uh, bartender, thank you
for taking such good care of us.
180
00:11:55,384 --> 00:11:58,835
Here you go. One, two, $3.
181
00:11:59,012 --> 00:12:02,179
Give one of those to the waitress.
So where would you like to go?
182
00:12:02,808 --> 00:12:04,302
How about your beach house?
183
00:12:05,811 --> 00:12:07,139
Great idea.
184
00:12:07,312 --> 00:12:10,811
Yeah, why go to Denny's or Applebee's
when you have your own beach house?
185
00:12:10,982 --> 00:12:14,019
- Come, let us Mercedes to the beach.
- Okay.
186
00:12:14,194 --> 00:12:16,234
[WHISPERS] This is so easy.
187
00:12:19,199 --> 00:12:21,322
EVELYN:
Charlie?
188
00:12:22,244 --> 00:12:24,035
Mom?
189
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,994
- Sweet Jesus.
- Surprise.
190
00:12:30,419 --> 00:12:33,206
What happened to you?
What are you doing here?
191
00:12:33,380 --> 00:12:35,372
Since I referred you to Dr. Schenkman...
192
00:12:35,549 --> 00:12:38,170
he was kind enough to offer me
a free chemical peel.
193
00:12:38,343 --> 00:12:41,380
When this heals,
I will have the face of a 12-year-old girl.
194
00:12:42,305 --> 00:12:45,390
Yeah, but from the neck down,
you'll still be an Egyptian mummy.
195
00:12:46,143 --> 00:12:49,428
Oh, hush. I just stopped by
to wish you luck tomorrow.
196
00:12:49,646 --> 00:12:52,647
Well, thanks.
Wait. Why would I need luck?
197
00:12:52,858 --> 00:12:55,562
Oh. No reason.
198
00:12:56,153 --> 00:13:00,067
That 60 Minutes report on
Dr. Schenkman was entirely one-sided.
199
00:13:01,908 --> 00:13:04,696
Much like that poor woman's vagina.
200
00:13:07,414 --> 00:13:09,537
Sleep well.
201
00:13:27,684 --> 00:13:30,092
Yeah, like I'm gonna sleep at all.
202
00:13:33,899 --> 00:13:38,062
- Welcome to the casa del Charlie. Heh.
- Wow.
203
00:13:38,445 --> 00:13:40,236
What a beautiful beach house.
204
00:13:40,447 --> 00:13:44,943
Yes. Yes, it is. Beach is out there,
and just past it, the ocean.
205
00:13:46,453 --> 00:13:48,778
- Keep going, and you hit Hawaii.
- Oh.
206
00:13:48,955 --> 00:13:50,829
Then Japan. Ha, ha.
207
00:13:51,792 --> 00:13:54,579
And I guess
this is where you write all your jingles?
208
00:13:54,795 --> 00:13:56,704
Yup, this is where the magic happens.
209
00:13:58,215 --> 00:13:59,413
Play me something.
210
00:14:01,301 --> 00:14:03,294
Oh, gosh.
211
00:14:03,845 --> 00:14:05,470
I'd rather not.
212
00:14:06,306 --> 00:14:07,635
Please? For me?
213
00:14:08,975 --> 00:14:10,635
Well, if you insist. Ha-ha-ha.
214
00:14:16,316 --> 00:14:18,309
[PLAYS SCALE]
215
00:14:23,824 --> 00:14:31,119
Uh, here is a little song
you might remember by...
216
00:14:35,877 --> 00:14:38,000
the immortal...
217
00:14:41,341 --> 00:14:42,372
Mr. Billy Joel.
218
00:14:47,681 --> 00:14:48,760
[PLAYING BILLY JOEL'S "WE DIDN'T
START THE FIRE" OFF-KEY]
219
00:14:48,932 --> 00:14:50,177
[SINGING]
Harry Truman, Doris Day
220
00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:54,348
Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell
221
00:14:54,521 --> 00:14:56,929
Joe DiMaggio, ho!
222
00:14:57,107 --> 00:15:00,855
Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon
Studebaker, television
223
00:15:01,028 --> 00:15:03,186
[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]
224
00:15:03,363 --> 00:15:05,356
Marilyn Monroe
225
00:15:05,532 --> 00:15:08,699
We didn't start the fire
226
00:15:08,869 --> 00:15:12,866
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
227
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,744
We didn't start the fire
228
00:15:15,917 --> 00:15:19,369
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
229
00:15:19,546 --> 00:15:21,586
We didn't start the fire
230
00:15:21,757 --> 00:15:23,215
[PLAYS SCALE]
231
00:15:23,383 --> 00:15:25,423
[CHUCKLES]
232
00:15:30,432 --> 00:15:31,511
You're very talented.
233
00:15:31,725 --> 00:15:34,560
No, no, no. Billy Joel was very talented.
234
00:15:34,728 --> 00:15:36,519
I'm just a piano man.
235
00:15:37,022 --> 00:15:39,061
- I only have one question.
- What's that?
236
00:15:39,316 --> 00:15:41,854
How long are you gonna pretend
to be Charlie Harper?
237
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:46,691
[SINGING]
Sing us a song, you're the piano man
238
00:15:46,865 --> 00:15:48,063
[PLAYING BILLY JOEL'S
"PIANO MAN" OFF-KEY]
239
00:15:48,241 --> 00:15:52,405
Oh, please, just give it a rest.
240
00:15:52,621 --> 00:15:53,901
How'd you know?
241
00:15:54,081 --> 00:15:55,741
I've been with Charlie.
242
00:15:55,957 --> 00:15:58,199
I've been in this house.
243
00:15:58,919 --> 00:16:01,624
Well, color me embarrassed.
244
00:16:02,756 --> 00:16:04,749
So...
245
00:16:05,592 --> 00:16:06,921
who are you?
246
00:16:08,595 --> 00:16:11,382
All right. All right. Here's the truth.
247
00:16:12,391 --> 00:16:14,716
My real name is Derek...
248
00:16:17,979 --> 00:16:19,094
Brick...
249
00:16:20,941 --> 00:16:22,435
house.
250
00:16:25,153 --> 00:16:27,940
- Derek Brickhouse.
- Yeah, try again.
251
00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:30,947
All right. My name is Alan.
252
00:16:31,118 --> 00:16:33,739
I'm Charlie's brother.
I live on his foldout couch.
253
00:16:33,912 --> 00:16:36,617
- I'm sorry. I'll drive you back.
- Hang on.
254
00:16:36,790 --> 00:16:38,249
I didn't say I wanted to go.
255
00:16:38,792 --> 00:16:41,164
Oh, no, but I thought
it was kind of implied.
256
00:16:42,129 --> 00:16:46,078
- I'm having a good time. Aren't you?
- Well, not now.
257
00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:51,463
I was, when I was Charlie.
258
00:16:51,638 --> 00:16:53,595
And Billy Joel.
259
00:16:54,808 --> 00:16:57,477
- Who else do you like to be?
- What do you mean?
260
00:16:58,103 --> 00:17:02,148
I think role playing is kind of a turn-on.
261
00:17:03,108 --> 00:17:04,851
- No kidding.
- Yeah.
262
00:17:05,027 --> 00:17:07,149
That's why I came back here with you.
263
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,894
Makes some guys nervous.
Your brother hated it.
264
00:17:10,115 --> 00:17:12,191
Well, I am not my brother. Ha-ha-ha.
265
00:17:12,409 --> 00:17:15,030
As you so adroitly pointed out.
266
00:17:15,495 --> 00:17:16,990
Come on.
267
00:17:17,164 --> 00:17:20,283
Oh, boy, ha, ha, role playing.
268
00:17:20,459 --> 00:17:22,451
Can I be the man?
269
00:17:22,919 --> 00:17:27,546
- Are you serious?
- Well, I've had a bad run lately.
270
00:17:29,926 --> 00:17:31,718
NURSE:
Mr. Harper.
271
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:35,172
Mr. Harper.
272
00:17:35,349 --> 00:17:36,629
How are you feeling?
273
00:17:37,559 --> 00:17:39,848
Okay. How'd it go?
274
00:17:40,062 --> 00:17:41,556
It went great.
275
00:17:41,730 --> 00:17:44,303
And the doctor decided
to give you a bonus.
276
00:17:44,483 --> 00:17:46,689
Check them out.
277
00:17:51,448 --> 00:17:53,856
Oh, no, no. I didn't ask for these.
278
00:17:54,034 --> 00:17:57,485
- But you haven't even seen them yet.
- I don't wanna see them.
279
00:17:59,206 --> 00:18:00,866
Hang on.
280
00:18:05,379 --> 00:18:07,455
You know, this could work.
281
00:18:19,726 --> 00:18:21,885
Gretchen, what exactly
was the role playing...
282
00:18:22,062 --> 00:18:23,853
that freaked Charlie out so much?
283
00:18:24,064 --> 00:18:25,523
GRETCHEN:
Hang on. You'll see.
284
00:18:25,691 --> 00:18:27,648
I'm glad you're not as uptight as he is.
285
00:18:27,818 --> 00:18:30,439
Well, as you know,
I am capable of bending the rules...
286
00:18:30,612 --> 00:18:33,068
and going with the flow...
287
00:18:48,547 --> 00:18:51,916
[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
What you think, schweinhund?
288
00:18:57,264 --> 00:18:59,256
Not a deal breaker.
289
00:19:07,107 --> 00:19:09,265
Honey, I'm home.
290
00:19:09,776 --> 00:19:12,102
ALAN:
In the kitchen.
291
00:19:12,779 --> 00:19:14,772
Kids okay?
292
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:18,443
How's the Beaver?
293
00:19:18,618 --> 00:19:20,694
Everybody's fine. How was Vegas?
294
00:19:21,121 --> 00:19:22,615
You know, the usual.
295
00:19:22,789 --> 00:19:24,581
- How was your weekend?
- Pretty good.
296
00:19:24,750 --> 00:19:27,038
I met a girl.
297
00:19:33,467 --> 00:19:35,625
Did her name happen to be Gretchen?
298
00:19:36,345 --> 00:19:37,887
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
299
00:19:41,099 --> 00:19:43,175
- That's indelible marker, you know.
- I know.
300
00:19:43,352 --> 00:19:45,807
- It'll come off in a few weeks.
- I figured.
301
00:19:46,021 --> 00:19:48,060
Does she still have her little mustache?
302
00:19:48,231 --> 00:19:50,023
You know, down at the Russian front.
303
00:19:51,485 --> 00:19:55,233
I wouldn't know what she's got.
I was blindfolded and hog-tied.
304
00:19:55,447 --> 00:19:57,605
Right. Right, right.
305
00:19:57,824 --> 00:20:00,150
- Why are you wearing sunglasses?
- No reason.
306
00:20:00,410 --> 00:20:02,070
Why don't you take them off?
307
00:20:02,245 --> 00:20:05,579
Okay, fine. You might as well know.
308
00:20:08,669 --> 00:20:09,949
Bar fight.
309
00:20:10,837 --> 00:20:12,296
Oh, no. What happened?
310
00:20:12,798 --> 00:20:16,167
Some bikers were giving a stripper
a hard time, so I jumped in.
311
00:20:16,343 --> 00:20:18,335
- You're kidding.
- You know me.
312
00:20:18,553 --> 00:20:21,673
I can't stand to see a naked,
high-heeled, glitter-covered...
313
00:20:21,848 --> 00:20:24,766
Ping-Pong-ball-shooting woman
in distress.
314
00:20:27,145 --> 00:20:30,846
Wow, that sounds very brave.
315
00:20:31,024 --> 00:20:33,432
- Good for you.
- Thank you.
316
00:20:34,152 --> 00:20:36,192
- Uh, Charlie?
- Yeah?
317
00:20:36,363 --> 00:20:38,355
Uh, if you're gonna go with that story...
318
00:20:38,532 --> 00:20:41,486
ask Mom to stop telling people
you had your eyes done.
319
00:20:42,202 --> 00:20:43,945
Damn.
320
00:20:44,121 --> 00:20:46,362
The mummy strikes again.
321
00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:52,702
You know, it's actually not a bad look.
322
00:20:53,797 --> 00:20:56,584
Shame one guy
had to ruin it for everybody.
323
00:21:23,869 --> 00:21:25,945
[English - US - SDH]