1
00:00:01,289 --> 00:00:03,307
# Men. #
2
00:00:06,182 --> 00:00:07,249
Ready, sweetheart?
3
00:00:07,251 --> 00:00:08,717
LYNDSEY:
Almost.
4
00:00:08,719 --> 00:00:10,585
Okay.
5
00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:14,256
Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.
6
00:00:15,975 --> 00:00:18,277
(belches)
7
00:00:18,279 --> 00:00:21,113
Oh, dinner's sitting
a little heavy.
8
00:00:21,115 --> 00:00:23,282
Well, maybe I can help you
work it off.
9
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:24,933
Yeah, about that--
10
00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:28,084
honey, would you mind terribly
if we just go to sleep?
11
00:00:28,106 --> 00:00:29,939
I'm so full and bloated
from that dinner,
12
00:00:29,941 --> 00:00:32,358
it'd be like sticking
a pin in a balloon.
13
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:35,278
Can we not call it a pin?
14
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:36,896
I'm sorry.
15
00:00:36,898 --> 00:00:38,499
I just don't think
I'd enjoy sex tonight.
16
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:40,183
Since when is that
a requirement?
17
00:00:40,185 --> 00:00:41,347
(chuckling)
18
00:00:41,348 --> 00:00:42,480
But seriously, it's fine.
19
00:00:42,482 --> 00:00:44,048
It's no problem.
20
00:00:44,050 --> 00:00:45,550
Thank you.
21
00:00:45,552 --> 00:00:48,069
Ugh.
22
00:00:48,071 --> 00:00:51,439
Well, actually, it is a
little bit of problem.
23
00:00:51,441 --> 00:00:52,724
What's that?
24
00:00:52,726 --> 00:00:55,894
Well, uh, based
on past history--
25
00:00:55,896 --> 00:00:59,531
um, expensive dinner,
drinks, valet parking--
26
00:00:59,533 --> 00:01:01,283
um, I thought
27
00:01:01,285 --> 00:01:03,251
we would probably
be fooling around tonight.
28
00:01:03,253 --> 00:01:05,537
Uh, and-and-and with that
in mind,
29
00:01:05,539 --> 00:01:08,924
uh, about 20 minutes ago,
I popped a little blue pill
30
00:01:08,926 --> 00:01:11,843
to ensure that, uh,
31
00:01:11,845 --> 00:01:13,745
when you were ready, so was I.
32
00:01:13,747 --> 00:01:16,882
Of course, uh, now I'm ready
and you're not,
33
00:01:16,884 --> 00:01:20,635
a situation they didn't really
cover in those commercials.
34
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:22,888
Oh, Alan.
35
00:01:22,890 --> 00:01:24,139
No, that's okay. It's okay.
36
00:01:24,141 --> 00:01:26,942
It's just kind of a shame
to waste them.
37
00:01:26,944 --> 00:01:29,594
I mean, they-they are
kind of pricey,
38
00:01:29,596 --> 00:01:32,697
even if they're expired ones
from Mexico.
39
00:01:32,699 --> 00:01:36,067
If I give you $20,
will you let me go to sleep?
40
00:01:37,436 --> 00:01:38,770
Oh, don't be silly.
41
00:01:38,772 --> 00:01:41,606
I don't want your money.
(sighs)
42
00:01:41,608 --> 00:01:43,708
But there are...
43
00:01:43,710 --> 00:01:46,110
other ways you
could reimburse me
44
00:01:46,112 --> 00:01:49,214
that wouldn't require a lot
of effort on your part.
45
00:01:56,756 --> 00:01:59,307
Should've taken the 20 bucks.
46
00:02:02,178 --> 00:02:03,845
ALAN:
Oh, hey.
47
00:02:03,847 --> 00:02:06,297
Oh, hey, Alan.
48
00:02:11,153 --> 00:02:12,604
Want some whiskey?
49
00:02:12,606 --> 00:02:14,239
I thought you
didn't like to drink.
50
00:02:14,241 --> 00:02:15,640
I don't.
51
00:02:15,642 --> 00:02:17,826
I'm trying to learn.
52
00:02:17,828 --> 00:02:19,577
(groans)
53
00:02:21,163 --> 00:02:23,198
I'm getting better.
54
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:24,482
Is this about
your ex-wife?
55
00:02:24,484 --> 00:02:25,583
No.
Walden.
56
00:02:25,585 --> 00:02:26,651
Maybe.
Walden.
57
00:02:26,653 --> 00:02:27,953
Yes.
58
00:02:29,455 --> 00:02:30,789
(groans)
59
00:02:30,791 --> 00:02:31,990
All right, all right.
60
00:02:31,992 --> 00:02:33,124
Listen to me.
61
00:02:33,126 --> 00:02:35,877
Alcohol is just a bandage
for your problems.
62
00:02:35,879 --> 00:02:37,012
And I know this
63
00:02:37,014 --> 00:02:39,497
because I used to live
with the Mummy.
64
00:02:40,633 --> 00:02:41,850
Uh... come on.
65
00:02:41,852 --> 00:02:43,635
We, uh... we got to get
your mind off of her.
66
00:02:43,637 --> 00:02:45,437
Let's, uh...
let's watch some TV.
67
00:02:45,439 --> 00:02:46,471
(sighs)
68
00:02:46,473 --> 00:02:48,390
Bridget and I
used to watch TV.
69
00:02:48,392 --> 00:02:50,508
That's the spirit.
70
00:02:50,510 --> 00:02:53,478
Okay, let's see
what's on.
71
00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,513
Oh. (chuckles)
72
00:02:55,515 --> 00:02:57,682
Cinnamon's Buns.
73
00:02:57,684 --> 00:03:01,686
"A medieval wench
falls for a bawdy baker.
74
00:03:01,688 --> 00:03:03,488
Adult. 1992."
75
00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:06,041
Ooh, a selection
from the classic era
76
00:03:06,043 --> 00:03:08,209
of soft-core cable porn.
77
00:03:08,211 --> 00:03:11,362
Or what I like to call
the winter bush years.
78
00:03:12,331 --> 00:03:15,033
I haven't watched much
porn since college.
79
00:03:15,035 --> 00:03:16,551
Yeah, me, neither.
80
00:03:16,553 --> 00:03:19,087
When I see it now, I just
feel bad for the girls.
81
00:03:19,089 --> 00:03:21,840
Yeah, yeah,
somebody's daughter. Shh.
82
00:03:21,842 --> 00:03:23,975
MAN (over TV):
Are you ready to learn my craft?
83
00:03:23,977 --> 00:03:26,478
Of course, Master Baker.
84
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:28,546
I am entirely in your hands.
85
00:03:28,548 --> 00:03:31,483
This is not
historically accurate.
86
00:03:31,485 --> 00:03:36,154
Medieval bakers did not
dress like Chef Boyardee.
87
00:03:36,156 --> 00:03:39,357
Don't need the DVD
commentary here.
88
00:03:39,359 --> 00:03:40,575
Sorry.
89
00:03:40,577 --> 00:03:42,027
BAKER:
Now, Cinnamon,
90
00:03:42,029 --> 00:03:44,279
take my frosting bag.
91
00:03:44,281 --> 00:03:45,530
It's so big.
92
00:03:45,532 --> 00:03:47,732
I can barely get
my hand around it.
93
00:03:47,734 --> 00:03:50,001
Use both hands, m'lady.
94
00:03:50,003 --> 00:03:52,537
It's well written.
95
00:03:52,539 --> 00:03:53,955
Like this?
96
00:03:53,957 --> 00:03:55,590
Now, squeeze,
97
00:03:55,592 --> 00:03:58,760
and anoint thy muffins
with my frosting.
98
00:04:00,312 --> 00:04:02,881
Boy, she looks
familiar.
99
00:04:02,883 --> 00:04:04,099
Yeah, she does.
100
00:04:04,101 --> 00:04:06,134
If I wasn't here,
would you be masturbating?
101
00:04:06,136 --> 00:04:09,804
You kidding? I'd be done
and fixing a sandwich.
102
00:04:10,773 --> 00:04:13,525
Master Baker,
whatever are you doing?
103
00:04:13,527 --> 00:04:16,895
I'm going to put my
loaf in your oven.
104
00:04:17,930 --> 00:04:19,314
(chuckling)
105
00:04:19,316 --> 00:04:21,316
That's clever.
106
00:04:21,318 --> 00:04:22,550
I don't know.
107
00:04:22,552 --> 00:04:24,986
She looks like a younger version
of your girlfriend.
108
00:04:24,988 --> 00:04:26,938
Lyndsey?
Uh-huh.
109
00:04:26,940 --> 00:04:28,823
Oh, nah.
110
00:04:28,825 --> 00:04:32,660
WOMAN:
Oh, oh, you're so masterful!
111
00:04:32,662 --> 00:04:34,813
Kind of sounds like her, too.
112
00:04:35,714 --> 00:04:36,965
Maybe.
113
00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:38,716
Although I can't say
I've ever heard Lyndsey
114
00:04:38,718 --> 00:04:40,502
use that particular phrase.
115
00:04:40,504 --> 00:04:43,054
WOMAN:
Don't stop! I can't get enough!
116
00:04:43,056 --> 00:04:44,956
Or that one.
117
00:04:44,958 --> 00:04:49,094
Maybe if I heard her say,
"Damn it, get off my hair."
118
00:04:51,063 --> 00:04:52,730
I don't know, Alan.
119
00:04:52,732 --> 00:04:54,682
I think that's
your girlfriend.
120
00:04:54,684 --> 00:04:56,434
No, no.
121
00:04:56,436 --> 00:04:58,853
WOMAN:
Yes! Yes!
122
00:04:58,855 --> 00:05:00,288
No. No.
123
00:05:00,290 --> 00:05:02,524
Yes! Yes!
124
00:05:02,526 --> 00:05:05,009
Oh, God! Oh, God!
125
00:05:05,011 --> 00:05:07,278
Oh, God!
126
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:10,715
Boy, she's not
very convincing.
127
00:05:10,717 --> 00:05:12,817
It is Lyndsey.
128
00:05:12,819 --> 00:05:14,619
Okay, I'm going to go
upstairs and masturbate.
129
00:05:14,621 --> 00:05:16,004
Wait, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
130
00:05:16,006 --> 00:05:17,505
You're... you're
going to go
131
00:05:17,507 --> 00:05:19,757
pleasure yourself while you're
thinking about my girlfriend?
132
00:05:19,759 --> 00:05:21,092
No, that'd be creepy.
133
00:05:21,094 --> 00:05:22,260
I'm going to go pleasure myself
134
00:05:22,262 --> 00:05:23,845
while I'm thinking
about my wife.
135
00:05:23,847 --> 00:05:26,164
Wait. Your... your wife?
Seriously?
136
00:05:26,166 --> 00:05:27,715
Yeah, what can I say?
I love Bridget,
137
00:05:27,717 --> 00:05:30,001
and I think she's the sexiest
woman in the whole world.
138
00:05:30,003 --> 00:05:32,187
Uh, you never fantasize
about anybody else?
139
00:05:32,189 --> 00:05:34,556
Mmm, sometimes I imagine
she's twins.
140
00:05:34,558 --> 00:05:36,507
Boo-ya!
141
00:05:40,512 --> 00:05:42,030
I never even thought of my wife
142
00:05:42,032 --> 00:05:44,515
when I was actually
having sex with my wife.
143
00:05:44,517 --> 00:05:48,019
LYNDSEY (over TV):
Oh, Master Baker!
144
00:05:48,854 --> 00:05:52,557
Boy, she never let me
do that to her.
145
00:05:55,995 --> 00:05:58,379
Until now.
146
00:05:59,465 --> 00:06:02,300
# Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men #
147
00:06:02,302 --> 00:06:05,536
# Men, men, manly men, men, men #
# Ooh #
148
00:06:05,538 --> 00:06:09,307
# Men, men, men, manly men #
# Ooh #
149
00:06:09,309 --> 00:06:11,426
# Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... #
150
00:06:11,428 --> 00:06:13,728
# Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men #
151
00:06:13,730 --> 00:06:17,398
# Ooh #
# Men, men, men, men, manly men, men #
152
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:21,152
# Ah. #
# Men. #
153
00:06:28,695 --> 00:06:29,945
# Men. #
154
00:06:29,947 --> 00:06:32,181
How's your day
looking? Busy?
155
00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:34,300
Yeah. Busy.
156
00:06:34,302 --> 00:06:36,501
Look, I'm sorry
about last night.
157
00:06:36,503 --> 00:06:39,138
It's okay.
I did offer this morning.
158
00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:41,390
Can't expect me to turn on
like a light switch
159
00:06:41,392 --> 00:06:43,225
whenever the whim strikes you.
160
00:06:44,444 --> 00:06:46,328
I'm not just a piece of meat,
you know.
161
00:06:46,330 --> 00:06:47,780
You're kidding, right?
162
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,615
In the entire time
I've known you,
163
00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:51,817
you've never once passed up
an opportunity for sex.
164
00:06:51,819 --> 00:06:56,188
So as not to hurt your feelings,
sometimes my mouth says, "Yes,"
165
00:06:56,190 --> 00:07:00,092
when my soul is screaming, "No""
166
00:07:00,094 --> 00:07:01,911
Oh, please!
167
00:07:01,913 --> 00:07:04,129
I can't even bend over
to take off my shoes
168
00:07:04,131 --> 00:07:05,497
without you trying to mount me.
169
00:07:05,499 --> 00:07:07,416
Hey, hey, that was an accident.
170
00:07:07,418 --> 00:07:09,635
I was trying to walk and text.
171
00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:13,639
You were texting,
"Here comes Mr. Pokey."
172
00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:14,640
Morning.
173
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:15,641
Morning.
Morning.
174
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:16,708
We'll talk later.
175
00:07:16,710 --> 00:07:18,043
About Mr. Pokey?
176
00:07:19,012 --> 00:07:20,312
I was speaking to Lyndsey.
177
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:23,182
Sounds like a short
conversation.
178
00:07:24,517 --> 00:07:26,986
I should have my own talk show.
179
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,370
Okay.
180
00:07:28,372 --> 00:07:29,705
I've got to get to work.
181
00:07:29,707 --> 00:07:30,739
I'll call you later?
182
00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:32,157
If you want.
(sighs)
183
00:07:32,159 --> 00:07:33,375
Bye, Berta.
184
00:07:33,377 --> 00:07:35,194
You're an attractive woman.
185
00:07:35,196 --> 00:07:37,279
You don't have to settle.
186
00:07:37,281 --> 00:07:40,282
I mean, bye!
187
00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:43,118
So, trouble in paradise?
188
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:44,787
Why on Earth do you think
189
00:07:44,789 --> 00:07:46,455
I would share my problems
with you?
190
00:07:46,457 --> 00:07:47,706
Oh, come on.
191
00:07:47,708 --> 00:07:50,009
I may tease you now and then,
but that doesn't mean
192
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:52,294
that I don't care about you
as a human being.
193
00:07:55,081 --> 00:07:57,266
All right.
194
00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:58,884
What do you do when you're in
195
00:07:58,886 --> 00:08:00,936
a relationship with someone
and, you know,
196
00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:02,021
like all
relationships, it...
197
00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:03,889
it has its ups
and downs, but...
198
00:08:03,891 --> 00:08:06,591
generally, things are
going pretty good
199
00:08:06,593 --> 00:08:08,027
until one day you discover
200
00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:11,430
that they are not at all
who you thought they were?
201
00:08:11,432 --> 00:08:13,949
And you don't know whether
to confront them about it or...
202
00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:15,451
or pretend you don't know,
203
00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:17,936
because the idea of being alone
is worse
204
00:08:17,938 --> 00:08:21,006
than being with someone
who's deceived you.
205
00:08:24,044 --> 00:08:25,627
Berta?
206
00:08:25,629 --> 00:08:27,379
Hello?
207
00:08:27,381 --> 00:08:29,431
BERTA:
Turns out I don't care.
208
00:08:32,302 --> 00:08:34,003
Morning.
209
00:08:34,005 --> 00:08:35,137
Morning.
210
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,672
Hey, I was thinking
211
00:08:36,674 --> 00:08:38,590
about your girlfriend's
porno movie.
212
00:08:38,592 --> 00:08:40,509
Me, too. What about it?
213
00:08:40,511 --> 00:08:41,844
I want to learn to bake.
214
00:08:43,513 --> 00:08:45,014
What?
215
00:08:45,016 --> 00:08:46,715
I think it'd be fun.
216
00:08:46,717 --> 00:08:50,986
You know, cookies and cupcakes,
pie, bread.
217
00:08:50,988 --> 00:08:53,322
That's what you took
from watching two people
218
00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:55,307
get it on
in a 16th century kitchen?
219
00:08:55,309 --> 00:08:56,942
Well, I already know
how to have sex.
220
00:08:56,944 --> 00:08:58,410
How do you make
buttermilk biscuits?
221
00:08:58,412 --> 00:09:00,029
There's a mystery.
222
00:09:01,197 --> 00:09:02,498
# Men. #
223
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:03,999
(knock at door)
224
00:09:05,485 --> 00:09:06,585
Hey.
225
00:09:06,587 --> 00:09:08,003
We need to talk.
226
00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:09,654
Is everything okay?
227
00:09:09,656 --> 00:09:11,757
Not really. Can I come in?
228
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:13,042
Sure.
229
00:09:15,261 --> 00:09:16,628
What's going on?
230
00:09:16,630 --> 00:09:18,280
Okay, I don't know
how to say this
231
00:09:18,282 --> 00:09:19,715
except just to say it.
232
00:09:19,717 --> 00:09:21,350
Oh, God, are
you still upset
233
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:23,001
about not getting
laid last night?
234
00:09:23,003 --> 00:09:26,505
I'm still upset about not
getting laid in high school.
235
00:09:27,690 --> 00:09:29,691
But that's not what
I want to talk about.
236
00:09:29,693 --> 00:09:32,010
Um, last night,
after you went to sleep,
237
00:09:32,012 --> 00:09:35,347
I turned on the TV
and stumbled on
238
00:09:35,349 --> 00:09:37,950
a little motion picture
you appeared in.
239
00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:40,152
(sighs)
240
00:09:40,154 --> 00:09:42,287
You saw Cinnamon's Buns.
241
00:09:42,289 --> 00:09:46,241
I saw Cinnamon's buns.
I saw Cinnamon's boobs.
242
00:09:46,243 --> 00:09:48,026
I saw the little birthmark
243
00:09:48,028 --> 00:09:50,295
on the inside
of Cinnamon's thigh.
244
00:09:50,297 --> 00:09:51,696
Oh, God.
245
00:09:51,698 --> 00:09:53,165
I mean, one minute
I-I'm dating
246
00:09:53,167 --> 00:09:54,533
a soccer mom
from Sherman Oaks,
247
00:09:54,535 --> 00:09:57,035
and the next minute
a porn star on Cinemax.
248
00:09:57,887 --> 00:09:59,088
I'm not a porn star.
249
00:09:59,090 --> 00:10:00,472
It was a little nudity.
250
00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:01,540
And simulated sex.
251
00:10:01,542 --> 00:10:02,724
Most of it.
252
00:10:04,844 --> 00:10:06,228
Mo-most of it?
253
00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:08,380
It was 20 years
ago, Alan.
254
00:10:08,382 --> 00:10:10,432
I-I was young, stupid
and needed the money.
255
00:10:10,434 --> 00:10:11,600
Well, why didn't you
tell me about it?
256
00:10:11,602 --> 00:10:13,018
Oh, yeah, right.
Who wouldn't be
257
00:10:13,020 --> 00:10:14,719
looking forward to
this conversation?
258
00:10:14,721 --> 00:10:17,272
Well, I... I just feel
like such an idiot.
259
00:10:17,274 --> 00:10:18,690
You feel like an idiot?
260
00:10:18,692 --> 00:10:22,111
That casting director said he
could get me on Melrose Place.
261
00:10:26,166 --> 00:10:27,732
I'm sorry.
262
00:10:27,734 --> 00:10:29,334
I should have told you.
263
00:10:29,336 --> 00:10:31,753
Any other secrets
you'd like to share with me?
264
00:10:31,755 --> 00:10:33,372
Wait a second.
265
00:10:33,374 --> 00:10:34,840
That's a two-way street.
266
00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:36,959
Do you have any secrets
you want to tell me?
267
00:10:36,961 --> 00:10:38,577
Me? I'm an open book.
268
00:10:38,579 --> 00:10:39,878
Great. Chapter one.
269
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,597
What have you done
that you're ashamed of
270
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,415
and don't want anyone
to know about?
271
00:10:46,886 --> 00:10:48,753
All right.
272
00:10:48,755 --> 00:10:52,524
Um... when I was a little boy,
273
00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:56,061
um, we had a dog
named Rusty,
274
00:10:56,063 --> 00:10:59,198
um, who loved
peanut butter,
275
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,316
and, uh,
276
00:11:01,318 --> 00:11:04,069
my brother, uh,
convinced me
277
00:11:04,071 --> 00:11:06,771
that the best way
to feed him, uh,
278
00:11:06,773 --> 00:11:09,408
was to, uh, uh, smear it
on my testicles.
279
00:11:09,410 --> 00:11:11,577
Um...
280
00:11:11,579 --> 00:11:14,746
No surprise, that dog
got very, very fat.
281
00:11:14,748 --> 00:11:16,465
Um...
282
00:11:16,871 --> 00:11:19,538
# Men. #
283
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:22,691
So, long story short,
I kissed the guy.
284
00:11:24,694 --> 00:11:26,795
Because, you know,
how else would I know
285
00:11:26,797 --> 00:11:28,363
whether or not I was gay?
286
00:11:28,365 --> 00:11:31,467
What did you decide?
287
00:11:31,469 --> 00:11:33,385
Well, I may love
Broadway musicals
288
00:11:33,387 --> 00:11:36,305
and have an eye for fashion,
but that's where it stops.
289
00:11:36,307 --> 00:11:38,340
Okay.
290
00:11:38,342 --> 00:11:39,975
Let's recap the highlights.
291
00:11:39,977 --> 00:11:43,495
You embezzled money
from your family,
292
00:11:43,497 --> 00:11:45,213
you cheated on me
with an old girlfriend,
293
00:11:45,215 --> 00:11:46,882
- Mm-hmm.
- you might be the father
294
00:11:46,884 --> 00:11:48,717
of Judith and
Herb's baby,
295
00:11:48,719 --> 00:11:50,686
you didn't tell
your late brother that the woman
296
00:11:50,688 --> 00:11:52,521
he was chasing
was married to a mannequin
297
00:11:52,523 --> 00:11:54,857
because she gave you $50,000
to keep it a secret.
298
00:11:54,859 --> 00:11:57,392
And to top
it all off,
299
00:11:57,394 --> 00:12:00,496
you gave the family dog
type 2 diabetes.
300
00:12:01,331 --> 00:12:03,666
Oh, wait, one more thing.
301
00:12:03,668 --> 00:12:06,234
Those diamond earrings I got you
for your birthday last year...
302
00:12:06,236 --> 00:12:08,120
Let me guess.
They're not real.
303
00:12:08,122 --> 00:12:09,404
Oh, no, they're real.
304
00:12:09,406 --> 00:12:12,424
Uh, it's just, I kind of
stole them from my ex-wife.
305
00:12:14,594 --> 00:12:18,964
You know, it really feels good
to get all this off my chest.
306
00:12:18,966 --> 00:12:20,966
Okay, now your turn.
307
00:12:26,389 --> 00:12:28,691
Probably shouldn't
have gone first.
308
00:12:28,693 --> 00:12:30,926
# Men. #
309
00:12:35,977 --> 00:12:37,745
# Men. #
310
00:12:37,747 --> 00:12:40,981
(both laughing)
311
00:12:41,198 --> 00:12:45,083
I'm so glad I learned to bake.
312
00:12:45,085 --> 00:12:48,504
(laughing)
313
00:12:49,728 --> 00:12:51,696
I'm so glad I'm baked.
314
00:12:51,698 --> 00:12:54,365
(both laughing)
315
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,234
Hey.
316
00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,370
What are you doing?
317
00:12:59,372 --> 00:13:02,289
Oh... I'm baking brownies
318
00:13:02,291 --> 00:13:05,526
and Berta is making my head
into a dreamcatcher.
319
00:13:06,878 --> 00:13:09,296
I'm guessing
it was Berta's recipe.
320
00:13:09,298 --> 00:13:11,415
It was!
321
00:13:11,417 --> 00:13:15,869
But I did the baking, because
I am a master baker now.
322
00:13:15,871 --> 00:13:17,421
(laughing)
323
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:19,757
That was funny.
324
00:13:19,759 --> 00:13:22,343
You should be a guest
on my talk show.
325
00:13:22,345 --> 00:13:24,061
I'm in.
326
00:13:24,063 --> 00:13:27,264
Well, I have done something
incredibly stupid.
327
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:29,567
(whispers): Whatever you do,
don't say "what?"
328
00:13:29,569 --> 00:13:30,351
What?
329
00:13:30,353 --> 00:13:32,403
Lyndsey and I split up.
330
00:13:32,405 --> 00:13:35,189
Oh, no. What happened?
331
00:13:35,191 --> 00:13:37,942
Well, I made the mistake
332
00:13:37,944 --> 00:13:39,893
of thinking
honesty is the best policy.
333
00:13:39,895 --> 00:13:41,562
It is a good policy.
334
00:13:41,564 --> 00:13:44,582
You know, another
good policy?
335
00:13:44,584 --> 00:13:46,417
Give a hoot, don't pollute.
336
00:13:50,589 --> 00:13:54,842
Zippy, the only time
in this world
337
00:13:54,844 --> 00:13:56,744
you want to be
completely honest
338
00:13:56,746 --> 00:14:00,581
is when the paramedics ask,
"What did you take?"
339
00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:05,269
Two brownies
and a peach Snapple.
340
00:14:05,271 --> 00:14:07,304
(laughing)
341
00:14:07,306 --> 00:14:08,922
Snapple.
342
00:14:10,425 --> 00:14:11,592
Snapple.
343
00:14:11,594 --> 00:14:13,527
Okay.
344
00:14:13,529 --> 00:14:17,114
Well, it's been real nice
talking at the two of you.
345
00:14:17,116 --> 00:14:18,482
Where you going?
346
00:14:18,484 --> 00:14:20,618
Uh, I need a little time
to be alone.
347
00:14:20,620 --> 00:14:22,119
Okay.
348
00:14:22,121 --> 00:14:24,488
G'bye-bye!
349
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:32,446
Man, it is hard when the person
you love doesn't love you back.
350
00:14:32,448 --> 00:14:35,382
You don't have
to love me.
351
00:14:35,384 --> 00:14:37,418
What?
352
00:14:37,420 --> 00:14:40,638
You heard me,
Mr. Master Baker.
353
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,923
(both laughing)
354
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:45,559
# Men. #
355
00:14:45,561 --> 00:14:46,560
Hi, Lyndsey.
356
00:14:46,562 --> 00:14:47,845
Uh, it's me again.
357
00:14:47,847 --> 00:14:50,147
Um, you don't
have to call me back,
358
00:14:50,149 --> 00:14:53,133
but I just want you to know
that the only reason
359
00:14:53,135 --> 00:14:54,769
that I was so honest with you
360
00:14:54,771 --> 00:14:58,138
is because I care about you
and I trust you.
361
00:14:58,140 --> 00:15:01,692
And a lot of those things
I've never told anybody,
362
00:15:01,694 --> 00:15:04,995
and I'd appreciate it
if you didn't, either.
363
00:15:04,997 --> 00:15:06,980
Um...
364
00:15:06,982 --> 00:15:10,868
Especially the peanut butter
and the dog.
365
00:15:10,870 --> 00:15:14,988
I got enough problems
without the ASPCA on my ass.
366
00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:18,759
Um, anyway, I-I love you
and I miss you,
367
00:15:18,761 --> 00:15:21,128
and I'm-I'm sorry
I made such a big deal
368
00:15:21,130 --> 00:15:24,215
about your film career.
369
00:15:24,217 --> 00:15:26,300
And for what it's worth,
370
00:15:26,302 --> 00:15:30,170
um, I got a really big kick out
of seeing your original breasts.
371
00:15:32,507 --> 00:15:34,675
Okay. Bye-bye.
372
00:15:39,013 --> 00:15:42,283
Oh, she's gonna take
that last part wrong.
373
00:15:42,285 --> 00:15:44,185
WALDEN: Hey, Alan, come
here quick!
374
00:15:44,187 --> 00:15:45,369
Hurry!
375
00:15:47,038 --> 00:15:50,708
Oh, what fresh hell is this?
376
00:15:54,028 --> 00:15:56,380
ALL:
Surprise!
377
00:15:56,382 --> 00:15:58,582
What's... what's going on?
378
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,551
It's a party to cheer you up.
379
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,054
Hey, Alan, say hello to
380
00:16:04,056 --> 00:16:06,257
the Malibu College
beach volleyball team.
381
00:16:06,259 --> 00:16:07,508
WOMEN:
Hi!
382
00:16:07,510 --> 00:16:10,978
Hello.
383
00:16:10,980 --> 00:16:13,514
Here, Alan, have a brownie.
384
00:16:13,516 --> 00:16:16,049
They're mmm-mmm good.
385
00:16:16,051 --> 00:16:18,435
Gee, Walden,
I really appreciate this,
386
00:16:18,437 --> 00:16:20,771
but it's a little soon
for me to be partying.
387
00:16:20,773 --> 00:16:22,723
I'm still hurting over Lyndsey.
388
00:16:22,725 --> 00:16:26,393
But what am I gonna do with
all these incredibly hot girls
389
00:16:26,395 --> 00:16:28,112
in bikinis
that are in the process
390
00:16:28,114 --> 00:16:30,414
of getting stoned
out of their minds?
391
00:16:30,416 --> 00:16:33,734
You're right,
I'm being thoughtless.
392
00:16:33,736 --> 00:16:35,786
Alan's here!
393
00:16:35,788 --> 00:16:37,671
# Men. #
394
00:16:37,673 --> 00:16:39,840
(pop music playing)
395
00:16:39,842 --> 00:16:42,009
(women giggling)
396
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:48,749
Do I look delicious?
397
00:16:48,751 --> 00:16:50,351
'Cause I feel delicious.
398
00:16:50,353 --> 00:16:53,020
(laughter)
399
00:16:53,022 --> 00:16:54,855
Hey, Zip, I'm home.
400
00:16:54,857 --> 00:16:55,973
Where you been?
401
00:16:55,975 --> 00:16:58,893
Not a clue.
402
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:10,154
Whoa, I just saw a giant cat
holding a churro.
403
00:17:10,156 --> 00:17:12,990
(doorbell rings)
404
00:17:12,992 --> 00:17:16,744
If that's a giant mouse,
he's in big trouble.
405
00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:24,168
Hey, it's Cinnamon!
406
00:17:24,170 --> 00:17:26,503
Oh, God, you saw it, too?
407
00:17:26,505 --> 00:17:28,422
Yeah, just a little.
408
00:17:28,424 --> 00:17:30,758
Then I went upstairs
to masturbate.
409
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,960
Terrific.
410
00:17:32,962 --> 00:17:34,478
Is Alan here?
411
00:17:35,313 --> 00:17:37,731
Um...
412
00:17:37,733 --> 00:17:39,433
I don't think so.
413
00:17:40,402 --> 00:17:42,486
Let me check.
414
00:17:52,247 --> 00:17:54,615
You said Alan, right?
415
00:17:54,617 --> 00:17:56,116
Right.
416
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,785
Hold on.
417
00:17:59,587 --> 00:18:01,588
All right, all right.
418
00:18:01,590 --> 00:18:04,041
Ladies, have you
got your spoons?
419
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,460
Well, get rid of them.
420
00:18:06,462 --> 00:18:07,845
We are eating freestyle!
421
00:18:07,847 --> 00:18:10,097
(laughter)
422
00:18:10,099 --> 00:18:11,382
Uh, excuse me.
423
00:18:11,384 --> 00:18:12,449
Wait. Hey. Whoa!
424
00:18:12,451 --> 00:18:14,051
Hey, what are
you doing?
425
00:18:14,053 --> 00:18:15,886
You'll thank me later.
426
00:18:15,888 --> 00:18:17,054
I can fly!
427
00:18:17,056 --> 00:18:18,605
(dull thud)
Oh!
428
00:18:18,607 --> 00:18:20,391
No, I can't.
429
00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,236
You said Alan, right?
430
00:18:32,238 --> 00:18:33,988
Right.
431
00:18:33,990 --> 00:18:35,122
He's not here.
432
00:18:35,124 --> 00:18:37,791
Are you having some sort
of a party in there?
433
00:18:37,793 --> 00:18:41,128
Oh, no, it's just a bunch
of stoned girls dancing.
434
00:18:42,547 --> 00:18:43,998
G'bye-bye!
435
00:18:44,799 --> 00:18:46,967
Works better with an oven mitt.
436
00:18:53,508 --> 00:18:55,476
Walden!
437
00:18:56,311 --> 00:18:58,262
Oh, hey, Alan.
438
00:18:58,264 --> 00:18:59,847
You look ucky.
439
00:18:59,849 --> 00:19:02,433
Was that Lyndsey?
440
00:19:02,435 --> 00:19:04,568
Yeah. I told her
you were not here.
441
00:19:04,570 --> 00:19:07,938
I was not here because
you threw me off the deck.
442
00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:11,608
No, I threw you off the deck
so you would not be here.
443
00:19:11,610 --> 00:19:15,829
Wouldn't it have been easier
to just skip the throwing
444
00:19:15,831 --> 00:19:18,115
and tell her I'm not here?
445
00:19:18,117 --> 00:19:19,950
(chuckles)
446
00:19:19,952 --> 00:19:22,453
Next time.
447
00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:25,039
Oh! Hey.
448
00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:27,174
Great news,
we got a cat.
449
00:19:27,176 --> 00:19:29,409
# Men. #
450
00:19:33,049 --> 00:19:34,332
# Men. #
451
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:36,267
So I thought about
it, and I decided
452
00:19:36,269 --> 00:19:38,837
that I really can't fault
you for opening up to me.
453
00:19:38,839 --> 00:19:42,057
I mean, every good relationship
has got to be based on honesty.
454
00:19:42,522 --> 00:19:44,488
Well, I'm glad
you feel that way.
455
00:19:44,490 --> 00:19:48,075
By the way, where were you
when I came over to the house?
456
00:19:48,077 --> 00:19:52,029
Well... honesty, right?
457
00:19:52,031 --> 00:19:53,531
(chuckles):
Right.
458
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:00,874
I'm such a schmuck!