1
00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:06,601
Oh, incoming,
three o'clock.
2
00:00:07,928 --> 00:00:09,341
Wow.
(chuckles)
3
00:00:09,351 --> 00:00:11,601
If I were available,
I'd be all over that.
4
00:00:11,628 --> 00:00:12,909
So being unavailable
5
00:00:12,926 --> 00:00:14,708
is the only thing
that's stopping you?
6
00:00:14,736 --> 00:00:18,674
Well, that and her obvious,
but unvoiced contempt for me.
7
00:00:19,864 --> 00:00:21,614
Why don't you
make a move?
8
00:00:21,616 --> 00:00:22,832
Aw, what's the point?
9
00:00:22,834 --> 00:00:24,923
Let's say I start talking to her,
and we hit it off.
10
00:00:24,932 --> 00:00:26,619
And by "hit it off," you mean
11
00:00:26,621 --> 00:00:28,236
(goofy voice):
hit it off.
12
00:00:30,272 --> 00:00:32,125
Hmm, more unvoiced
contempt. Hmm.
13
00:00:32,127 --> 00:00:34,192
I can voice it if you'd like.
14
00:00:34,209 --> 00:00:36,159
No thanks.
15
00:00:36,177 --> 00:00:38,427
What do you think is gonna happen
as soon as she finds out
16
00:00:38,448 --> 00:00:39,801
how much money I have
in the bank?
17
00:00:39,818 --> 00:00:42,819
She's gonna want you
to make a deposit.
18
00:00:43,546 --> 00:00:45,555
And there's the problem.
19
00:00:45,792 --> 00:00:47,542
I-I see no problem.
20
00:00:47,573 --> 00:00:50,143
'Kay. It's not me
that she'd be interested in.
21
00:00:50,145 --> 00:00:52,812
It's what I can do for her.
It's the lifestyle.
22
00:00:52,814 --> 00:00:55,013
So what? You still got laid.
23
00:00:55,028 --> 00:00:56,598
Trust me, it gets old.
24
00:00:56,617 --> 00:00:58,533
It's like having
a magic golf club:
25
00:00:58,540 --> 00:01:00,785
every time you take a shot,
the ball just goes in the hole.
26
00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:03,162
Oh, yeah!
Ker-plunk!
27
00:01:04,002 --> 00:01:06,654
Okay, apparently,
you need a demonstration.
28
00:01:06,686 --> 00:01:08,743
And no more alcohol.
29
00:01:10,510 --> 00:01:11,673
Hi.
30
00:01:11,916 --> 00:01:13,747
I'm Walden Schmidt.
31
00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,279
Hello.
32
00:01:15,333 --> 00:01:18,229
That's "Schmidt,"
S-C-H-M-I-D-T.
33
00:01:18,265 --> 00:01:20,950
Uh, okay. It's nice
to meet you, Walden.
34
00:01:20,989 --> 00:01:24,557
I'm Susan. S-U-S-A-N.
35
00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:27,034
Can I buy you a drink, Susan?
36
00:01:27,055 --> 00:01:29,956
No, thanks. I'm waiting
for some friends.
37
00:01:30,102 --> 00:01:31,796
No problem.
Excuse me.
38
00:01:31,819 --> 00:01:33,821
Hmm. There goes your theory.
You struck out!
39
00:01:33,847 --> 00:01:35,845
Au contraire,
mon frère.
40
00:01:36,126 --> 00:01:38,662
Right now, she's heading
into the bathroom.
41
00:01:38,682 --> 00:01:40,404
What do you think
she's doing in there?
42
00:01:40,423 --> 00:01:41,907
Uh, I'm guessing tinkle.
43
00:01:41,922 --> 00:01:44,006
Girls poop at home.
44
00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:46,339
No. She's wondering,
45
00:01:46,369 --> 00:01:48,431
"Why did he spell his last name?
46
00:01:48,449 --> 00:01:49,822
Maybe I should know who he is."
47
00:01:49,830 --> 00:01:52,647
So, now, she's taking out
her phone and Googling me.
48
00:01:52,653 --> 00:01:55,194
Oh, I tried that once,
and I dropped my phone in the toilet.
49
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,035
Fortunately, it was right
after a courtesy flush.
50
00:01:59,757 --> 00:02:02,975
The first hit on my name
is the Forbes 500 Web site,
51
00:02:02,993 --> 00:02:06,046
at which point in time she finds out
exactly how much money I make,
52
00:02:06,072 --> 00:02:07,956
she forgets to go
to the bathroom,
53
00:02:07,979 --> 00:02:10,813
along with everything
she learned in Sunday school,
54
00:02:10,838 --> 00:02:14,590
slaps on some lipstick
and comes back into the bar.
55
00:02:15,248 --> 00:02:16,364
Wow.
56
00:02:16,383 --> 00:02:19,384
She probably unbuttons
one button on her blouse...
57
00:02:19,592 --> 00:02:20,547
and...
58
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:21,800
You know what?
59
00:02:21,903 --> 00:02:24,911
I changed my mind
about that drink.
60
00:02:25,159 --> 00:02:27,693
I still don't
see the problem.
61
00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:31,611
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh
62
00:02:31,613 --> 00:02:33,697
♪ Ah.
♪ Men
63
00:02:33,722 --> 00:02:36,150
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x10 ♪
One Nut Johnson
Original Air Date on December 6, 2012
64
00:02:36,221 --> 00:02:39,091
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth
65
00:02:39,251 --> 00:02:40,946
Can't believe
you're coming home with me
66
00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,152
instead of that girl.
67
00:02:42,161 --> 00:02:43,461
Not that I'm
not flattered.
68
00:02:43,478 --> 00:02:45,978
And not that I'm not willing
to do things.
69
00:02:46,648 --> 00:02:48,965
Just because a woman
wants to have sex with me,
70
00:02:48,979 --> 00:02:50,566
doesn't mean I want
to have sex with her.
71
00:02:50,568 --> 00:02:52,435
Okay, I hear the words coming
out of your mouth,
72
00:02:52,449 --> 00:02:54,332
I just don't
understand them.
73
00:02:54,426 --> 00:02:56,529
It's like watching
HBO in Spanish.
74
00:02:57,183 --> 00:03:00,026
Well, look, call me crazy,
but I am determined to find
75
00:03:00,041 --> 00:03:03,668
someone who wants to be with me
for who I am, not what I have.
76
00:03:03,695 --> 00:03:06,746
Hola, bienvenidos
a HBO en español.
77
00:03:08,161 --> 00:03:09,311
Come on.
78
00:03:09,330 --> 00:03:11,230
I bet you have no doubt
79
00:03:11,251 --> 00:03:12,785
as to whether or not
Lyndsey loves you.
80
00:03:12,804 --> 00:03:14,036
I would guess that's true.
81
00:03:14,045 --> 00:03:15,254
You don't have to guess.
82
00:03:15,272 --> 00:03:17,788
You have no money,
no house, no future, no...
83
00:03:17,813 --> 00:03:20,463
Okay, okay!
Talking past the sale.
84
00:03:20,906 --> 00:03:23,094
But if you think my life
is so great, be my guest.
85
00:03:23,113 --> 00:03:24,446
- Take it.
- What?
86
00:03:24,468 --> 00:03:26,518
Pretend to be me.
I can't tell you how many times
87
00:03:26,529 --> 00:03:27,674
I've pretended to be you.
88
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:28,820
And-And not
just you.
89
00:03:28,831 --> 00:03:31,698
Uh, I've also pretended
to be a thoracic surgeon
90
00:03:31,715 --> 00:03:34,483
uh... a movie producer,
a stockbroker,
91
00:03:34,507 --> 00:03:37,041
and on one occasion,
a hand model.
92
00:03:37,181 --> 00:03:38,290
A hand model?
93
00:03:38,303 --> 00:03:40,517
Blind girl. Long story,
didn't end well.
94
00:03:41,593 --> 00:03:43,853
My point is, you can be
whoever you want to be.
95
00:03:43,878 --> 00:03:44,680
Hmm.
96
00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:46,475
Never thought about it
like that.
97
00:03:46,488 --> 00:03:49,946
Course not. Why would Superman
want to be Clark Kent?
98
00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:53,531
Okay. Know what?
I'm gonna do this.
99
00:03:53,587 --> 00:03:55,789
First thing I need
to do is create
100
00:03:55,807 --> 00:03:58,172
an online presence
for my fictional self.
101
00:03:58,186 --> 00:04:00,346
Mm. That's good.
I usually just throw ketchup
102
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,293
on some scrubs
and say I came from surgery.
103
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:06,541
Okay. Let's start by creating
a Facebook page.
104
00:04:06,594 --> 00:04:10,346
Uh, all right, if I was
a struggling, broke-ass guy,
105
00:04:10,359 --> 00:04:11,802
what would my name be?
106
00:04:11,824 --> 00:04:14,662
Oh, and keep in mind,
Alan Harper's already taken.
107
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,657
Ooh! H-How about
Derek Slade?
108
00:04:17,683 --> 00:04:19,162
Uh, that's a
little gay.
109
00:04:19,177 --> 00:04:21,944
Um... Preston Burbank?
110
00:04:22,148 --> 00:04:24,999
That's just gay from
a different decade.
111
00:04:25,190 --> 00:04:27,482
Um... Joey Proccosini.
112
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:29,079
Sounds like the
guy that made
113
00:04:29,083 --> 00:04:31,457
Preston Burbank
his prison bitch.
114
00:04:31,963 --> 00:04:34,712
Oh, uh-uh, how about
your porn name?
115
00:04:34,807 --> 00:04:35,719
My porn name?
116
00:04:35,725 --> 00:04:36,836
You know, when you
want to know
117
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,544
what your name would be
as a porn star,
118
00:04:38,558 --> 00:04:40,318
you use the name
of your first pet,
119
00:04:40,343 --> 00:04:42,012
and the street you grew up on.
120
00:04:42,043 --> 00:04:44,950
Unfortunately, I would be
Rusty Knob.
121
00:04:45,491 --> 00:04:48,426
Mine would be
Snowball Honeysuckle.
122
00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:50,207
That would be a great porn name
123
00:04:50,221 --> 00:04:53,162
if Disney Channel started
making adult movies.
124
00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,513
No. It needs to be simple,
125
00:04:55,525 --> 00:04:57,391
like something
easy to believe.
126
00:04:57,523 --> 00:04:58,989
John Doe.
127
00:04:59,008 --> 00:05:00,210
No, it's too simple.
128
00:05:00,219 --> 00:05:01,125
Bob Doe.
129
00:05:01,139 --> 00:05:02,378
No.
130
00:05:02,981 --> 00:05:05,767
It's got to be, like,
right down the middle.
131
00:05:06,968 --> 00:05:09,091
- Sam.
- Doe.
132
00:05:10,262 --> 00:05:13,213
Wilson.
Sam Wilson.
133
00:05:13,247 --> 00:05:16,268
Really? There's got to be, like,
a million Sam Wilsons.
134
00:05:16,288 --> 00:05:18,626
No, exactly. I-I can
get lost in a crowd.
135
00:05:18,647 --> 00:05:21,204
Somebody Googles me,
they'll get a butt-load of responses.
136
00:05:21,243 --> 00:05:24,382
Same thing happens
if you Google "Rusty Knob."
137
00:05:24,947 --> 00:05:27,447
Just FYI: do not hit "Images."
138
00:05:27,465 --> 00:05:29,855
You won't sleep
for a week.
139
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:33,725
Okay, Sam Wilson,
let's create your life.
140
00:05:33,758 --> 00:05:34,992
Male.
141
00:05:35,195 --> 00:05:36,815
Straight.
142
00:05:37,036 --> 00:05:38,827
Single.
143
00:05:39,101 --> 00:05:41,520
1/8 Apache Indian.
144
00:05:42,647 --> 00:05:44,732
Mix it up a little.
145
00:05:48,172 --> 00:05:50,960
How have I never
heard of this place?
146
00:05:50,981 --> 00:05:53,798
I mean, where else can you buy
pants, shoes, lettuce,
147
00:05:53,817 --> 00:05:56,304
and a garden weasel
under one roof?
148
00:05:56,945 --> 00:05:58,412
It gets better.
On your way out,
149
00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:01,565
you can get a flu shot and
a set of tires at the same price.
150
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:03,100
This is...
all right,
151
00:06:03,109 --> 00:06:05,527
what would a down-on-his-luck
Sam Wilson wear?
152
00:06:05,551 --> 00:06:09,033
Oh! Maybe something fringed
to reflect his Indian heritage.
153
00:06:10,275 --> 00:06:12,882
He's not joining
the Village People.
154
00:06:13,543 --> 00:06:15,562
Wait, check this out!
155
00:06:15,571 --> 00:06:17,985
A dozen socks for $2.49.
156
00:06:18,022 --> 00:06:20,819
That's 20 cents a pair.
That's ten cents a sock!
157
00:06:20,827 --> 00:06:22,577
I'm so getting these.
158
00:06:22,602 --> 00:06:24,146
But you don't wear socks.
159
00:06:24,156 --> 00:06:26,919
Well, at these prices
I can't afford not to.
160
00:06:27,014 --> 00:06:29,218
All right, looks like
you're getting the hang of this place.
161
00:06:29,247 --> 00:06:30,572
So, if you'll excuse me,
162
00:06:30,587 --> 00:06:33,254
I have a dentist appointment
on aisle 3.
163
00:06:33,282 --> 00:06:36,065
Don't forget to floss
on aisle 2.
164
00:06:38,461 --> 00:06:41,458
A leather jacket for $49.99?
165
00:06:41,576 --> 00:06:43,460
Come to Papa.
166
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:47,791
Whoa!
167
00:06:47,954 --> 00:06:49,036
Sorry.
168
00:06:49,065 --> 00:06:50,664
Yeah, hang on.
Let me just...
169
00:06:50,684 --> 00:06:52,900
The jacket's on a leash.
170
00:06:52,935 --> 00:06:55,161
I'll just unlock
the security cable here.
171
00:06:55,178 --> 00:06:56,895
Okay, that's better.
172
00:06:57,178 --> 00:06:59,831
That looks really
good on you.
173
00:06:59,861 --> 00:07:01,509
I bet you've said that before.
174
00:07:01,526 --> 00:07:03,332
About 80 times a day, but...
(laughs)
175
00:07:03,350 --> 00:07:04,913
this is the first time
I've meant it.
176
00:07:04,934 --> 00:07:06,840
Yeah, it's nice, but I...
177
00:07:06,905 --> 00:07:09,324
I probably shouldn't. I mean,
for the price of this jacket,
178
00:07:09,342 --> 00:07:11,480
I can buy 240 pairs of socks.
179
00:07:11,607 --> 00:07:14,251
And your Christmas shopping is done.
(chuckles)
180
00:07:14,291 --> 00:07:16,688
Act surprised when you open them.
(laughs)
181
00:07:16,713 --> 00:07:19,210
Yeah, actually, I need to buy
a little bit of everything.
182
00:07:19,225 --> 00:07:21,158
Okay, I can help you out
with that.
183
00:07:21,164 --> 00:07:23,369
I appreciate it... Kate.
184
00:07:23,413 --> 00:07:25,432
Not a problem.
185
00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:28,666
Sam... Sam Wilson.
186
00:07:28,685 --> 00:07:30,325
All right, Sam Wilson.
187
00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:32,766
Um, how about we
start with some...
188
00:07:32,794 --> 00:07:34,327
corduroy pants?
189
00:07:34,351 --> 00:07:36,713
Eh, I'm not a big fan
of corduroy.
190
00:07:36,729 --> 00:07:38,974
They're on sale,
two for $19.99.
191
00:07:38,988 --> 00:07:40,810
People change.
192
00:07:44,002 --> 00:07:46,989
JAKE: Anyway, after it got
ripped off on the barbed wire,
193
00:07:47,023 --> 00:07:49,890
we started calling him
"One Nut Johnson."
194
00:07:50,378 --> 00:07:52,459
Uh... that's terrible.
195
00:07:52,489 --> 00:07:54,362
Well, it could have been worse.
196
00:07:54,378 --> 00:07:55,322
An inch to the right,
197
00:07:55,344 --> 00:07:57,827
and he would have been
"No Johnson Johnson."
198
00:07:57,935 --> 00:08:00,902
Um, uh, you know what?
Why don't we change the subject?
199
00:08:00,922 --> 00:08:03,588
So, um, how are things
with your girlfriend?
200
00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:04,434
Pretty good.
201
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,487
We're finally gonna get
some time alone this weekend.
202
00:08:06,508 --> 00:08:08,842
Her kids are gonna stay
with their dads.
203
00:08:09,210 --> 00:08:11,614
"Dads"? Plural?
204
00:08:11,641 --> 00:08:15,179
Yeah, well, before me,
she picked some real losers.
205
00:08:15,271 --> 00:08:17,793
Sure, sure. Um, so...
206
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:20,901
...so what's it like,
dating someone with kids?
207
00:08:20,912 --> 00:08:22,809
It's tough.
They're pretty protective.
208
00:08:22,832 --> 00:08:25,012
I mean, I'm the guy
dating their mom.
209
00:08:25,039 --> 00:08:26,338
Makes sense.
210
00:08:26,356 --> 00:08:27,962
But her oldest son's
pretty cool.
211
00:08:27,980 --> 00:08:29,899
He buys me beer.
212
00:08:31,061 --> 00:08:33,042
How old is this woman?
213
00:08:33,068 --> 00:08:35,401
Back off, Dad. She's taken.
214
00:08:35,630 --> 00:08:37,834
No, no, I wasn't... I'm...
215
00:08:37,854 --> 00:08:40,539
You know what?
I'll talk to you later.
216
00:08:40,567 --> 00:08:43,162
- Okay. Bye, Dad.
- Bye.
217
00:08:43,405 --> 00:08:47,198
Yeah... she picked
a real winner this time.
218
00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:49,659
WALDEN:
Check it out.
219
00:08:56,847 --> 00:08:59,743
Whoa! You look like me
when I Photoshop my head
220
00:08:59,745 --> 00:09:02,220
on your body--
I've never done that.
221
00:09:02,261 --> 00:09:05,628
Head to toe, including
undergarments: $32.
222
00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:06,445
(whistles)
223
00:09:06,454 --> 00:09:09,154
Plus the haircut: $232.
224
00:09:09,187 --> 00:09:11,032
- Nice.
- Oh!
225
00:09:11,042 --> 00:09:12,709
Check this out.
226
00:09:13,092 --> 00:09:14,533
(Velcro tearing)
227
00:09:14,563 --> 00:09:16,323
Velcro. Very classy.
228
00:09:16,341 --> 00:09:17,507
It's got a change pouch.
229
00:09:17,525 --> 00:09:19,428
Ooh, you got the deluxe model.
230
00:09:19,465 --> 00:09:21,631
I still can't believe we both
went to the superstore,
231
00:09:21,643 --> 00:09:24,698
You got a hot date and I got
a root canal on the wrong tooth.
232
00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:28,357
I didn't get a date.
Sam Wilson got a date.
233
00:09:28,411 --> 00:09:31,107
You know what?
Switch watches with me.
234
00:09:31,132 --> 00:09:31,965
Why?
235
00:09:31,969 --> 00:09:34,590
'Cause Sam Wilson doesn't
have a $50,000 watch.
236
00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,968
Ah, course.
Here you go.
237
00:09:37,032 --> 00:09:38,862
Casio?
238
00:09:38,885 --> 00:09:40,988
I had this watch
in seventh grade!
239
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,883
So did I.
240
00:09:43,204 --> 00:09:44,370
Okay...
241
00:09:44,393 --> 00:09:47,207
Oh, you know what?
We should also switch cars.
242
00:09:47,241 --> 00:09:49,777
Yes! Yes. Oh, and you know
what else we should do?
243
00:09:49,795 --> 00:09:52,981
Uh, you should deposit all
your money in my bank account.
244
00:09:54,279 --> 00:09:56,493
Just trying to help
you out, buddy. (laughs)
245
00:09:56,515 --> 00:09:57,798
Thank you.
246
00:09:57,820 --> 00:09:59,202
Oh, where you taking her?
247
00:09:59,212 --> 00:10:02,014
This, uh, Italian place
in Santa Monica. DiFilipo's.
248
00:10:02,025 --> 00:10:04,121
Oh, you are in luck.
I have a coupon.
249
00:10:04,143 --> 00:10:05,483
(Velcro tears)
250
00:10:05,634 --> 00:10:07,811
Buy one entree,
get one free.
251
00:10:07,813 --> 00:10:10,223
Sweet. Thanks.
(Velcro tears)
252
00:10:11,373 --> 00:10:13,635
And remember, uh, poor guys
don't valet park
253
00:10:13,643 --> 00:10:14,993
unless they're wearing
a red vest.
254
00:10:15,006 --> 00:10:16,344
Got it.
255
00:10:18,650 --> 00:10:19,866
Wow.
256
00:10:19,881 --> 00:10:21,998
$50,000.
257
00:10:23,002 --> 00:10:24,450
What is wrong with me
258
00:10:24,469 --> 00:10:26,707
that I want to masturbate
with this on?
259
00:10:34,362 --> 00:10:35,916
Nothing.
260
00:10:40,495 --> 00:10:44,098
For a man on a budget,
this is a little pricey.
261
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:47,217
Oh, don't worry.
I have a coupon.
262
00:10:48,220 --> 00:10:50,127
Sexy.
263
00:10:51,853 --> 00:10:55,499
So, Sam, tell me about yourself.
264
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,834
(sighs) There's not much to tell.
265
00:10:58,839 --> 00:11:01,473
Uh, I was born in Iowa.
266
00:11:01,491 --> 00:11:04,456
At age seven, I was taken
away from my parents
267
00:11:04,483 --> 00:11:07,061
and trained to be a
government assassin.
268
00:11:07,157 --> 00:11:08,747
Intriguing.
269
00:11:08,783 --> 00:11:10,065
Oh, it gets better.
270
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,106
It wasn't our government.
271
00:11:12,544 --> 00:11:15,379
And I only found out later,
they weren't my parents.
272
00:11:15,401 --> 00:11:16,500
(laughs)
273
00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:19,198
Which made killing them
that much easier.
274
00:11:19,363 --> 00:11:20,691
Tell me about you.
275
00:11:20,712 --> 00:11:23,613
Well, I had
a fairly typical childhood
276
00:11:23,783 --> 00:11:25,771
in Riverside, California
277
00:11:25,809 --> 00:11:27,892
until my parents were...
278
00:11:27,916 --> 00:11:30,226
killed by an assassin.
279
00:11:30,827 --> 00:11:34,024
I've spent the rest of my life
tracking him down, and...
280
00:11:34,201 --> 00:11:36,103
here we are.
281
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:37,946
- Gulp.
- Bang.
282
00:11:38,075 --> 00:11:39,444
(laughs)
283
00:11:39,470 --> 00:11:41,470
Well, the Riverside part's true,
284
00:11:41,494 --> 00:11:44,309
and then I spent two years
in New York studying fashion.
285
00:11:44,334 --> 00:11:45,778
- Ah.
- Then I came out here
286
00:11:45,808 --> 00:11:47,357
to design clothes
for the movies.
287
00:11:47,375 --> 00:11:48,292
And how did that go?
288
00:11:48,296 --> 00:11:51,201
I designed this dress
and wore it to the movies.
289
00:11:51,395 --> 00:11:53,584
So the dream is still alive.
290
00:11:53,586 --> 00:11:55,718
Indeed it is.
291
00:11:56,671 --> 00:11:59,322
I got to tell you,
it's refreshing,
292
00:11:59,324 --> 00:12:01,987
talking to someone like you
for a change.
293
00:12:02,006 --> 00:12:03,539
Someone like me?
294
00:12:03,543 --> 00:12:06,460
Yeah, someone who doesn't
take himself too seriously
295
00:12:06,477 --> 00:12:08,477
and who's not constantly
trying to impress me
296
00:12:08,490 --> 00:12:10,073
with how much stuff he's got.
297
00:12:10,087 --> 00:12:12,387
What, so, wait, my coupon
didn't impress you?
298
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,148
(laughs)
299
00:12:14,415 --> 00:12:16,867
Well, I don't
have much stuff.
300
00:12:16,907 --> 00:12:18,714
What you see is
what you get.
301
00:12:18,730 --> 00:12:20,702
And so far
I like what I see.
302
00:12:20,714 --> 00:12:22,174
I like what I see.
303
00:12:22,184 --> 00:12:23,249
(laughs)
304
00:12:26,719 --> 00:12:29,528
Such a shame I'm gonna
have to kill you.
305
00:12:29,614 --> 00:12:32,531
Too late. I already
poisoned your wine.
306
00:12:32,574 --> 00:12:33,957
(laughing)
307
00:12:36,573 --> 00:12:38,346
♪ Men. ♪
308
00:12:38,464 --> 00:12:40,760
Okay, you see the Big Dipper?
Yeah.
309
00:12:40,807 --> 00:12:43,557
All right, you see the
last star on the handle?
310
00:12:43,570 --> 00:12:45,520
Follow that five stars
to the right.
311
00:12:45,545 --> 00:12:47,849
- Okay.
- Up three.
312
00:12:48,014 --> 00:12:50,513
- Got it.
- Two to the left and down one.
313
00:12:50,557 --> 00:12:53,019
- Uh-huh.
- That's my star.
314
00:12:53,655 --> 00:12:56,279
I got it for Christmas
when I was 12 years old.
315
00:12:56,313 --> 00:12:57,395
That's sweet.
316
00:12:57,403 --> 00:12:58,641
Yeah, sure, now.
317
00:12:58,658 --> 00:13:00,691
When I was 12
I wanted a dirt bike.
318
00:13:00,693 --> 00:13:01,603
(laughs)
319
00:13:01,644 --> 00:13:03,621
Can't pop a wheelie
on a star.
320
00:13:03,645 --> 00:13:05,206
(laughs)
321
00:13:08,678 --> 00:13:11,122
I'm kind of glad
your car broke down.
322
00:13:13,102 --> 00:13:14,778
Me, too.
323
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,907
You want to make
a wish on my star?
324
00:13:18,011 --> 00:13:20,081
I already did.
325
00:13:22,835 --> 00:13:24,553
(car horn honks)
326
00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:28,037
For crying
out loud, Sam,
327
00:13:28,047 --> 00:13:30,530
when you going to buy
a decent car?
328
00:13:34,096 --> 00:13:36,379
Kate, this is
my friend Alan.
329
00:13:36,395 --> 00:13:38,195
Thanks so much
for picking us up.
330
00:13:38,197 --> 00:13:39,677
Yeah, this clown rents
a room from me,
331
00:13:39,684 --> 00:13:41,949
suddenly I'm running
a taxi service.
332
00:13:42,701 --> 00:13:45,703
Yeah, I'm sorry.
My car is a piece of crap.
333
00:13:45,705 --> 00:13:47,872
Of course, I don't do
myself any favors
334
00:13:47,874 --> 00:13:51,075
by never changing
the oil-- ever.
335
00:13:52,224 --> 00:13:53,961
Well, I like your car.
336
00:13:53,963 --> 00:13:56,213
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
337
00:13:57,070 --> 00:14:00,072
Uh, so Sam tells me
you have a beach house.
338
00:14:00,093 --> 00:14:01,977
I do. I do.
It's gorgeous.
339
00:14:01,995 --> 00:14:03,691
Uh,
it very expensive,
340
00:14:03,705 --> 00:14:05,552
but I bought it at the
bottom of the market
341
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,594
and then I sold it and bought it again
at the top of the market
342
00:14:08,619 --> 00:14:10,755
simply because I can.
343
00:14:12,197 --> 00:14:14,698
Well, I'm sure at some point
you'll sell it again
344
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:16,067
and we'll go
our separate ways.
345
00:14:16,069 --> 00:14:18,578
Oh, no, no, no,
I'm gonna die in that house.
346
00:14:18,593 --> 00:14:22,727
Oh, and, uh, that reminds me,
uh, your rent is late again.
347
00:14:22,750 --> 00:14:24,875
Right, I'll have it
for you tomorrow.
348
00:14:24,897 --> 00:14:26,649
Today would be better.
349
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,493
Fine, today.
350
00:14:28,526 --> 00:14:30,153
He's a good kid.
351
00:14:30,166 --> 00:14:32,268
Give you the shirt
off his back.
352
00:14:32,290 --> 00:14:34,838
It's a crappy shirt,
but he'll give it to you.
353
00:14:35,347 --> 00:14:37,335
Oh, oh,
would you look at the time?
354
00:14:37,366 --> 00:14:39,186
(chuckles)
It is almost 10:00.
355
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,521
I-I can tell
'cause the, uh,
356
00:14:40,541 --> 00:14:42,292
the big hand is near
the big diamond.
357
00:14:42,306 --> 00:14:43,388
Check it out.
358
00:14:43,390 --> 00:14:44,450
Yeah, it's nice.
359
00:14:44,458 --> 00:14:46,258
Damn right.
360
00:14:48,451 --> 00:14:52,322
So, Kate, Sam tells me
you're poor like him.
361
00:14:55,735 --> 00:14:57,582
I had a really
nice time tonight.
362
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:58,870
Me, too,
363
00:14:58,896 --> 00:15:01,298
but what's
with this guy Alan?
364
00:15:01,313 --> 00:15:02,973
Oh, I'm sorry.
365
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:05,054
He recently came
into a lot of money
366
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:07,401
and he's not really
handling it well.
367
00:15:07,427 --> 00:15:08,810
Not handling it well?
368
00:15:08,843 --> 00:15:11,336
He's a big, fizzy douche.
369
00:15:11,729 --> 00:15:14,010
I mean, the way
he was showing off his car.
370
00:15:14,037 --> 00:15:16,972
Geez, how small is his penis?
371
00:15:17,929 --> 00:15:20,998
Those two things
aren't always related.
372
00:15:21,377 --> 00:15:23,388
Okay, I-I don't know, that watch
373
00:15:23,401 --> 00:15:25,804
is definitely overcompensating
for something.
374
00:15:25,835 --> 00:15:27,935
Some people just like
nice stuff,
375
00:15:27,951 --> 00:15:31,119
even people
with really big penises.
376
00:15:31,436 --> 00:15:33,647
Well, everyone likes nice stuff,
377
00:15:33,696 --> 00:15:36,116
but he didn't have to be
such a jackass about it.
378
00:15:36,148 --> 00:15:38,497
I know, but, I mean,
he's helping me out,
379
00:15:38,518 --> 00:15:39,994
letting me live with him.
380
00:15:40,019 --> 00:15:41,118
I get it.
381
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,352
It still doesn't give him
the right
382
00:15:42,354 --> 00:15:43,924
to treat you the way he does.
383
00:15:43,939 --> 00:15:45,322
You should say something.
384
00:15:45,337 --> 00:15:47,337
Oh, I intend to.
385
00:15:48,813 --> 00:15:51,781
You know, before he arrived,
386
00:15:51,803 --> 00:15:53,394
I was about to do something.
387
00:15:53,413 --> 00:15:54,913
So was I.
388
00:15:55,293 --> 00:15:56,402
(horn honking)
389
00:15:56,431 --> 00:15:58,040
ALAN:
Come on, Sam!
390
00:15:58,069 --> 00:16:00,860
Time is money, and
you're out of both.
391
00:16:02,022 --> 00:16:05,173
You're right. He's
a big, fizzy douche.
392
00:16:08,330 --> 00:16:10,631
Hey, looking good.
393
00:16:12,267 --> 00:16:13,720
Where you going?
394
00:16:13,735 --> 00:16:16,127
Oh, I'm packing a picnic
for me and Kate.
395
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:18,432
We're going to a free concert
in the park.
396
00:16:18,444 --> 00:16:20,350
It's a Van Halen tribute band.
397
00:16:20,359 --> 00:16:21,513
Well, actually,
it's not a band.
398
00:16:21,531 --> 00:16:23,648
It's just a guy named Dan Halen.
399
00:16:23,745 --> 00:16:26,295
Unbelievable. You're having fun
living my life.
400
00:16:26,325 --> 00:16:28,406
I've never had that experience.
401
00:16:28,435 --> 00:16:29,899
Well, it's all
because of Kate.
402
00:16:29,908 --> 00:16:32,058
And the best part is,
she likes me for me.
403
00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:34,758
Uh, technically,
she likes you for me.
404
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,757
Which is ironic 'cause
she doesn't like you at all.
405
00:16:38,489 --> 00:16:40,457
So, uh, what's the plan here?
406
00:16:40,478 --> 00:16:41,919
- What do you mean?
- Well,
407
00:16:41,933 --> 00:16:44,037
I mean, this girl's been dating
Sam Wilson for a couple of weeks.
408
00:16:44,055 --> 00:16:46,055
When are you going to
introduce her to Walden Schmidt?
409
00:16:46,085 --> 00:16:47,295
I don't know.
410
00:16:47,312 --> 00:16:48,965
Haven't really thought
that far ahead.
411
00:16:48,992 --> 00:16:50,843
Actually, I'm kind of afraid
to think that far ahead.
412
00:16:50,862 --> 00:16:52,175
How long do you think
you can keep up
413
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:53,566
this Prince and the Pauper charade?
414
00:16:53,575 --> 00:16:55,829
How long do you think you can
keep living here for free?
415
00:16:55,861 --> 00:16:57,728
Godspeed, Sam Wilson.
416
00:16:59,597 --> 00:17:00,931
♪ Men.
417
00:17:00,933 --> 00:17:02,015
(both sigh)
418
00:17:02,159 --> 00:17:03,358
(laughs)
419
00:17:03,753 --> 00:17:05,386
Well, that was fun on a budget.
420
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:06,594
Mm.
421
00:17:06,620 --> 00:17:09,929
Yeah, we certainly got more
bang for our buck, didn't we?
422
00:17:10,042 --> 00:17:12,099
(laughter)
(phone chimes)
423
00:17:12,508 --> 00:17:14,758
Oh. I'm sorry. I just...
424
00:17:15,170 --> 00:17:16,061
Oh.
425
00:17:16,078 --> 00:17:17,283
(sighs)
426
00:17:18,243 --> 00:17:19,967
Ah, great.
427
00:17:19,969 --> 00:17:21,085
Everything okay?
428
00:17:21,087 --> 00:17:22,469
Yeah. Alan wants me
429
00:17:22,471 --> 00:17:25,199
to pick up some hemorrhoid cream
on the way home.
430
00:17:25,339 --> 00:17:27,423
Well, he is a
pain in the ass.
431
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,199
(laughs)
432
00:17:29,784 --> 00:17:31,279
He's not that bad.
433
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:33,897
Oh, yeah? Then why don't
we ever spend the night
434
00:17:33,912 --> 00:17:35,833
at his Malibu
beach house?
435
00:17:35,858 --> 00:17:37,801
He doesn't like it
when I have guests.
436
00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:39,737
Douche.
437
00:17:41,544 --> 00:17:43,368
You should move out.
438
00:17:43,389 --> 00:17:45,220
Can't afford to.
439
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:47,618
Well, um,
440
00:17:47,824 --> 00:17:50,024
maybe you could crash here.
441
00:17:51,584 --> 00:17:54,080
What... what are you saying,
442
00:17:54,183 --> 00:17:56,216
like... move in?
443
00:17:56,339 --> 00:17:59,757
Yeah, just until you have enough
money to afford your own place.
444
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,589
That might be a while.
445
00:18:01,615 --> 00:18:04,464
I knew I shouldn't have bought
that Dan Halen T-shirt.
446
00:18:04,496 --> 00:18:05,873
(laughs)
447
00:18:06,355 --> 00:18:08,814
So, what, we'd be,
like, roommates?
448
00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:09,967
With benefits.
449
00:18:09,981 --> 00:18:12,100
Oh. I like the sound
of benefits.
450
00:18:12,112 --> 00:18:14,446
Good, 'cause they include
washing the dishes
451
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,144
and taking out the trash.
452
00:18:16,175 --> 00:18:19,705
Okay, clearly we differ
in our definition of "benefits."
453
00:18:19,747 --> 00:18:21,086
(laughs)
454
00:18:22,489 --> 00:18:24,277
Can I think about it?
455
00:18:24,352 --> 00:18:26,018
By all means.
456
00:18:31,072 --> 00:18:32,376
Mmm.
457
00:18:32,754 --> 00:18:34,737
Okay, I got to tell you,
458
00:18:34,746 --> 00:18:37,473
you are much better kisser
than Alan.
459
00:18:42,062 --> 00:18:44,741
- Are you sure about this?
- Mm.
460
00:18:44,769 --> 00:18:48,160
It's like Dan Halen says,
"Might as well jump."
461
00:18:48,616 --> 00:18:50,570
Well, when are
you coming back?
462
00:18:50,593 --> 00:18:51,796
I don't know.
463
00:18:51,816 --> 00:18:53,301
Walden, have you really
thought this through?
464
00:18:53,327 --> 00:18:56,913
I know it's crazy, but I got to
see where this goes with Kate.
465
00:18:57,210 --> 00:18:59,884
All right, I'm just concerned
about my friend.
466
00:18:59,935 --> 00:19:01,872
I appreciate that.
467
00:19:01,961 --> 00:19:03,010
I'm gonna be fine.
468
00:19:03,024 --> 00:19:04,557
Mm. Good luck.
469
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,193
And, uh, don't worry
about anything here.
470
00:19:06,227 --> 00:19:07,560
Yeah. Thanks, buddy.
471
00:19:07,575 --> 00:19:09,297
- Bye.
- Bye.
472
00:19:11,112 --> 00:19:13,747
Finally, you're mine!
You're all mine!
473
00:19:14,577 --> 00:19:16,205
♪ Men.
474
00:19:17,730 --> 00:19:18,880
♪ Men.
475
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:22,345
So my porn name would be
Snowball Honeysuckle.
476
00:19:22,374 --> 00:19:23,411
(laughs)
477
00:19:23,427 --> 00:19:25,197
Oh, that is so cute.
478
00:19:25,226 --> 00:19:27,617
I would download every
one of your films.
479
00:19:27,632 --> 00:19:29,298
What would yours be?
480
00:19:29,375 --> 00:19:32,084
Beebo Eighty-ninth Street.
481
00:19:32,413 --> 00:19:35,300
- Guess it's not a foolproof system.
- Mm.
482
00:19:35,448 --> 00:19:37,282
Hey, I have
to ask you a question.
483
00:19:37,307 --> 00:19:39,174
He was a fish.
484
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,269
Thanks, but no.
Um...
485
00:19:43,453 --> 00:19:45,571
Why are you with me?
486
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,618
What kind of a
question is that?
487
00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:51,331
I don't know. Just,
I don't have much to offer,
488
00:19:51,408 --> 00:19:55,233
and a beautiful,
smart girl like you
489
00:19:55,254 --> 00:19:57,167
could probably get
any guy she wants.
490
00:19:57,188 --> 00:19:58,870
But I did get
the guy I want.
491
00:19:58,894 --> 00:20:00,474
Good answer.
492
00:20:00,508 --> 00:20:01,941
(laughs)
493
00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:05,335
- Just promise me one thing.
- What's that?
494
00:20:05,385 --> 00:20:08,204
That we're always
honest with each other.
495
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,712
No secrets, no lies.
496
00:20:17,084 --> 00:20:19,252
You got it.
497
00:20:21,769 --> 00:20:24,350
- Good night, Kate.
- Good night, Sam.
498
00:20:25,531 --> 00:20:27,449
(sighing)
499
00:20:34,515 --> 00:20:36,893
- Kate?
- Yeah?
500
00:20:37,245 --> 00:20:38,758
I'm a billionaire.
501
00:20:38,787 --> 00:20:41,221
Of course you are,
Snowball.
502
00:20:43,278 --> 00:20:45,149
Hey, you kids,
503
00:20:45,223 --> 00:20:47,223
get off my beach!
504
00:20:51,515 --> 00:20:56,515
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth