1
00:00:01,560 --> 00:00:03,010
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:03,454 --> 00:00:04,832
Sorry I'm late.
3
00:00:04,834 --> 00:00:06,708
I've been waiting here
for over an hour.
4
00:00:06,727 --> 00:00:08,310
I had to pee
in that bush.
5
00:00:08,954 --> 00:00:11,139
I shudder to think
what you used to wipe.
6
00:00:12,517 --> 00:00:13,768
Well, did you knock on the door
7
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,280
to see if Walden and Berta
were home?
8
00:00:15,290 --> 00:00:17,837
Yeah, they invited me in,
but I said I'd rather pee
9
00:00:17,849 --> 00:00:20,599
on my feet while an azalea
tickled my crack.
10
00:00:20,637 --> 00:00:22,889
Okay, actually, it's, uh,
it's an oleander.
11
00:00:23,532 --> 00:00:26,149
That's probably not the salient
part of your story.
12
00:00:27,908 --> 00:00:30,234
You know, none of this would
have happened if I had a key.
13
00:00:30,255 --> 00:00:32,120
Uh, come on.
We've been over this.
14
00:00:32,153 --> 00:00:34,336
I just, I feel like I'm
overstepping my boundaries
15
00:00:34,379 --> 00:00:36,803
with Walden by asking
if my girlfriend can have a key.
16
00:00:36,824 --> 00:00:39,375
Well, I feel like an
unwelcome guest in this house.
17
00:00:39,441 --> 00:00:42,251
I'm an unwelcome guest
in this house.
18
00:00:42,278 --> 00:00:43,861
I don't think
you're taking me seriously.
19
00:00:43,889 --> 00:00:46,122
Isn't it enough that
you have the key to my heart?
20
00:00:46,144 --> 00:00:48,043
Oh, bite me.
21
00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:49,341
Okay, I get it. I get it.
22
00:00:49,363 --> 00:00:51,076
You're upset,
and you have every right to be.
23
00:00:51,089 --> 00:00:53,129
But why don't we just,
you know, take a deep breath,
24
00:00:53,142 --> 00:00:54,525
maybe open a bottle of wine,
25
00:00:54,546 --> 00:00:55,833
uh, take a bath,
26
00:00:55,835 --> 00:00:57,051
light some candles.
27
00:00:57,184 --> 00:00:58,433
Do you actually believe
28
00:00:58,445 --> 00:00:59,841
I'm going to have sex with you
tonight?
29
00:00:59,857 --> 00:01:02,074
I can't believe you ever
have sex with me.
30
00:01:02,541 --> 00:01:04,179
But you're here now.
You look lovely.
31
00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:05,926
You have an empty bladder,
so why not?
32
00:01:06,018 --> 00:01:07,798
You know what?
Keep the key.
33
00:01:07,899 --> 00:01:09,776
Ah, Lyndsey, come on.
34
00:01:10,066 --> 00:01:11,482
Don't be like this.
35
00:01:12,125 --> 00:01:16,135
What, you're just going to mark
your territory and leave?
36
00:01:23,466 --> 00:01:25,046
Son of a bitch.
37
00:01:25,068 --> 00:01:28,063
LYNDSEY: Bet you wish you gave me
that key now.
38
00:01:28,668 --> 00:01:34,447
♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh.
39
00:01:34,805 --> 00:01:37,383
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x14 ♪
Run Steven Staven! Run!
Original Air Date on January 31, 2013
40
00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:40,754
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth
41
00:01:41,099 --> 00:01:43,317
Ah...
42
00:01:46,221 --> 00:01:48,052
Ah...
43
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:51,386
You're going to keep doing that
until I ask you what's wrong,
44
00:01:51,427 --> 00:01:53,027
aren't you?
45
00:01:53,501 --> 00:01:54,800
What's wrong?
46
00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:57,504
Kate updated
her Facebook status.
47
00:01:57,966 --> 00:01:59,605
Still no mention of me.
48
00:01:59,622 --> 00:02:01,415
Let it go.
49
00:02:01,908 --> 00:02:03,674
She's eating a bagel.
50
00:02:03,908 --> 00:02:05,570
We used to eat bagels.
51
00:02:05,588 --> 00:02:07,049
Here.
52
00:02:07,076 --> 00:02:09,247
Now you're eating bagels
together.
53
00:02:10,659 --> 00:02:11,722
I miss her.
54
00:02:11,747 --> 00:02:12,972
Oh, boo-hoo-hoo.
55
00:02:12,987 --> 00:02:15,488
I miss waking up
next to Burt Reynolds.
56
00:02:17,532 --> 00:02:19,126
What, it happened.
57
00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:24,052
Morning.
Morning.
58
00:02:25,727 --> 00:02:26,730
Where-where's Lyndsey?
59
00:02:26,746 --> 00:02:28,108
I thought she was spending
the night.
60
00:02:28,134 --> 00:02:29,049
Me, too.
61
00:02:29,055 --> 00:02:30,804
But then she decided I suck.
62
00:02:31,622 --> 00:02:32,231
Why?
63
00:02:32,251 --> 00:02:35,219
Did it take her so long
to figure that out?
64
00:02:35,717 --> 00:02:37,636
I don't know what happened.
65
00:02:37,665 --> 00:02:39,147
It just came out of nowhere.
66
00:02:39,162 --> 00:02:40,690
It always does.
67
00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:43,605
You know who knew relationships?
Your brother.
68
00:02:43,627 --> 00:02:46,661
(scoffs) Oh, please, his
lasted an hour at a time.
69
00:02:46,697 --> 00:02:49,160
An hour and a half
if he was drunk.
70
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:50,677
Exactly.
71
00:02:50,723 --> 00:02:53,035
He treated women
like rental cars.
72
00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:54,755
You pay for them
when you need them,
73
00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:56,165
and it's someone else's job
74
00:02:56,199 --> 00:02:59,367
to empty out the trunk
and hose them down.
75
00:03:00,497 --> 00:03:02,715
Well, I'm not paying for sex.
76
00:03:03,149 --> 00:03:04,866
And he can't afford to.
77
00:03:04,947 --> 00:03:07,533
I don't need a hooker.
I have Lyndsey.
78
00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:12,156
You should lead with that
when you apologize to her.
79
00:03:12,335 --> 00:03:13,751
Oh, we will be fine.
80
00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:16,177
This whole thing will blow over
and be gone by tomorrow morning.
81
00:03:16,199 --> 00:03:18,166
So would the hooker.
82
00:03:21,315 --> 00:03:22,832
♪ Men. ♪
83
00:03:23,906 --> 00:03:24,755
Hey.
84
00:03:25,218 --> 00:03:26,584
Well, well, well,
85
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:29,725
look who finally decided to
grace us with his presence.
86
00:03:30,264 --> 00:03:32,093
I needed some time.
87
00:03:32,118 --> 00:03:33,385
Kate and I split up.
88
00:03:33,398 --> 00:03:35,338
One second.
Another woman left you?
89
00:03:35,353 --> 00:03:36,405
She moved to New York.
90
00:03:36,423 --> 00:03:37,806
(laughing)
91
00:03:37,859 --> 00:03:40,943
They're crossing state lines
to get away from you now.
92
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,521
Yeah, yeah...
93
00:03:42,553 --> 00:03:43,969
I'm a loser.
94
00:03:43,985 --> 00:03:44,992
I'm alone.
95
00:03:45,013 --> 00:03:47,430
And meanwhile,
you're having wild, crazy sex
96
00:03:47,457 --> 00:03:50,008
with my ex-wife
like I could never imagine.
97
00:03:50,035 --> 00:03:51,785
Oh, you don't have
to imagine it.
98
00:03:51,805 --> 00:03:53,879
Look, let me-let me paint you
a word picture.
99
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,849
Uh, the candles were flickering;
100
00:03:55,897 --> 00:03:57,247
the music was playing;
101
00:03:57,334 --> 00:04:01,215
and she rode me like I was
a giant, pink pogo stick.
102
00:04:02,185 --> 00:04:04,508
You're not a giant anything.
103
00:04:04,510 --> 00:04:05,905
That's funny.
104
00:04:05,929 --> 00:04:07,179
You know what else is funny?
105
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:09,117
You're alone.
(laughing)
106
00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:10,531
Okay, I get it.
107
00:04:10,533 --> 00:04:11,698
It's a joke.
108
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:13,501
Women always leave me.
109
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:14,585
I get it.
110
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,003
Well, you know what?
It still hurts.
111
00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:18,255
Not that I expect you
to understand how it feels
112
00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:20,341
to have your heart broken
by someone you love
113
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:23,809
because that would actually
require you having a heart.
114
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:26,123
Do you even know how it feels...
She dumped me.
115
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:28,153
What?
116
00:04:28,471 --> 00:04:30,188
Bridget left me.
117
00:04:31,761 --> 00:04:32,928
Are you serious?
118
00:04:32,965 --> 00:04:37,584
She-She said I was
inconsiderate, condescending,
119
00:04:37,739 --> 00:04:40,382
and that I look like
a lesbian art teacher.
120
00:04:43,836 --> 00:04:45,982
I-I don't know what to say.
121
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,919
Other than you do look
like a lesbian art teacher.
122
00:04:48,978 --> 00:04:51,795
I'm glad that my pain
can make you happy.
123
00:04:51,821 --> 00:04:53,821
Oh, wait, you have no idea.
124
00:04:53,849 --> 00:04:56,016
Let me paint you a word picture.
125
00:04:56,549 --> 00:04:58,199
Flowers are blooming.
126
00:04:58,220 --> 00:04:59,230
Birds are singing.
127
00:04:59,248 --> 00:05:01,549
Angels are farting rainbows.
128
00:05:01,989 --> 00:05:03,405
That's not funny, all right?
129
00:05:03,426 --> 00:05:05,236
My-my life is
falling apart.
130
00:05:05,254 --> 00:05:07,938
Come on.
I'm just giving you a hard time.
131
00:05:07,984 --> 00:05:09,454
I'm sorry.
132
00:05:09,624 --> 00:05:10,623
It's gonna be okay.
133
00:05:10,693 --> 00:05:11,976
No, it's not.
I loved her.
134
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:13,611
I know. I did, too.
135
00:05:13,856 --> 00:05:17,107
And then I realized
she's the broken one.
136
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:18,638
You think so?
137
00:05:18,647 --> 00:05:20,258
Yeah, of course.
I... she dumped me
138
00:05:20,268 --> 00:05:21,701
to be with you.
I mean... (whistles)
139
00:05:21,719 --> 00:05:22,724
Hey, that...
140
00:05:22,738 --> 00:05:24,392
Shh, it gets better.
141
00:05:27,993 --> 00:05:30,272
Here ya go.
142
00:05:31,153 --> 00:05:33,047
We got chicken
and star soup
143
00:05:33,058 --> 00:05:35,125
and grilled cheese sandwich
with the crust cut off.
144
00:05:35,454 --> 00:05:37,337
I-I got dumped by my girlfriend,
145
00:05:37,348 --> 00:05:39,932
not pushed off the monkey bars
at recess.
146
00:05:40,828 --> 00:05:44,365
And that's why I put whiskey
in your sippy cup.
147
00:05:45,933 --> 00:05:47,050
ALAN:
What's going on?
148
00:05:47,070 --> 00:05:49,053
Oh, Billy got dumped
by Bridget.
149
00:05:49,095 --> 00:05:51,095
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
150
00:05:51,122 --> 00:05:52,792
Me and my girlfriend
are going through
151
00:05:52,818 --> 00:05:54,605
a bit of a rough patch
ourselves.
152
00:05:54,629 --> 00:05:57,489
So, she sewed you up in your
sheets while you were sleeping
153
00:05:57,513 --> 00:05:59,437
and started beating you
with a broom?
154
00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:00,925
Uh, no.
155
00:06:00,976 --> 00:06:02,809
Then it's not a rough patch.
156
00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:07,531
What is it that makes
relationships so difficult?
157
00:06:07,583 --> 00:06:08,666
Women.
Women.
158
00:06:09,042 --> 00:06:10,274
Exactly.
159
00:06:10,311 --> 00:06:12,411
I mean, when was the last time
you were dating someone
160
00:06:12,451 --> 00:06:16,213
and you decided to ask
"Where is this relationship going?"
161
00:06:16,252 --> 00:06:18,419
Or "Are you mad at me?"
162
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:21,363
Yeah, or "What's all this
glittery, sparkly stuff
163
00:06:21,398 --> 00:06:23,181
on your pants?"
164
00:06:24,984 --> 00:06:27,214
Guys ask questions
that you can answer.
165
00:06:27,232 --> 00:06:29,303
Like, "How are we fixed
for ham? "
166
00:06:29,334 --> 00:06:30,114
(sighs)
167
00:06:30,803 --> 00:06:32,851
Why is my beer empty?
168
00:06:33,161 --> 00:06:35,162
God, I hate it when
Lyndsey asks me that.
169
00:06:37,714 --> 00:06:38,945
Oh, I'm sorry.
170
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:41,232
Wait, were we doing guys'
or girls' questions?
171
00:06:41,255 --> 00:06:43,426
Yeah, on the other hand,
there's no better feeling
172
00:06:43,456 --> 00:06:45,935
than when you're in a loving,
happy relationship.
173
00:06:45,981 --> 00:06:49,385
The sweet release of black tar
heroin's a close second.
174
00:06:50,384 --> 00:06:52,500
Well, the good news is
neither one of you guys
175
00:06:52,522 --> 00:06:54,179
are going to be single for long.
176
00:06:54,199 --> 00:06:55,918
I mean, you got looks and money.
177
00:06:55,964 --> 00:06:56,692
Thank you, Alan.
178
00:06:56,719 --> 00:06:57,931
And you've got...
179
00:06:59,303 --> 00:07:00,801
money.
180
00:07:01,096 --> 00:07:02,210
That's true.
181
00:07:02,232 --> 00:07:04,366
Yeah, and what about you?
You got...
182
00:07:06,123 --> 00:07:08,236
most of your hair...
183
00:07:09,139 --> 00:07:10,772
both eyes.
184
00:07:12,126 --> 00:07:16,179
Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, no,
you've got a...
185
00:07:17,818 --> 00:07:19,117
You've got...
186
00:07:19,127 --> 00:07:20,693
To go apologize
to my girlfriend.
187
00:07:20,712 --> 00:07:21,978
BILLY:
Exactly.
188
00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:26,002
By the way, how are
we fixed for ham?
189
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,314
♪ Men.
190
00:07:31,808 --> 00:07:33,625
Alan.
Wow.
191
00:07:34,097 --> 00:07:36,368
Oh, uh, hey-hey, Lyndsey.
192
00:07:36,384 --> 00:07:37,600
What are you doing here?
193
00:07:37,611 --> 00:07:39,581
Well, I've left you a few
messages since yesterday.
194
00:07:39,608 --> 00:07:40,951
I don't know if you got them.
195
00:07:40,959 --> 00:07:42,509
I did.
196
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,508
Oh, o-okay.
197
00:07:44,745 --> 00:07:46,728
Well, you look nice.
198
00:07:48,497 --> 00:07:50,237
Did someone die?
199
00:07:50,635 --> 00:07:51,966
I'm going out.
200
00:07:51,997 --> 00:07:53,496
Ooh, girls' night out?
201
00:07:53,543 --> 00:07:54,542
No.
202
00:07:54,660 --> 00:07:55,623
Oh.
203
00:07:57,753 --> 00:07:59,578
Did someone die?
204
00:08:00,830 --> 00:08:03,047
I have a date with Dr. Staven.
205
00:08:03,239 --> 00:08:05,689
Wait, Dr. Staven,
your-your gynecologist?
206
00:08:05,713 --> 00:08:06,625
That's right.
207
00:08:06,649 --> 00:08:07,882
Is-is this about
the other night?
208
00:08:07,892 --> 00:08:09,334
Because I said I was sorry.
209
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:10,960
Look, if it'll make you
feel better,
210
00:08:10,982 --> 00:08:13,203
you can lock me out
and I'll pee in your bush.
211
00:08:14,062 --> 00:08:16,780
Okay, that came out much worse
than I meant it.
212
00:08:16,916 --> 00:08:18,797
Okay, I have to get going.
213
00:08:18,855 --> 00:08:20,104
Are you mad at me?
214
00:08:21,572 --> 00:08:23,922
No, we just have different ideas
215
00:08:23,939 --> 00:08:25,418
of what a relationship
should be.
216
00:08:25,427 --> 00:08:27,560
Well, then let's just sit down
and talk about it.
217
00:08:27,584 --> 00:08:28,761
Nothing to talk about.
218
00:08:28,784 --> 00:08:30,764
Oh, yeah, right.
Like a woman is ever done...
219
00:08:30,784 --> 00:08:32,346
She's mad at me.
220
00:08:33,587 --> 00:08:35,814
HERB: They're hot when
they're angry, aren't they?
221
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,149
Oh, Herb.
222
00:08:37,269 --> 00:08:38,735
Geez, you scared me.
223
00:08:38,756 --> 00:08:40,170
Little trouble in paradise?
224
00:08:40,268 --> 00:08:42,462
Oh, yeah, you know,
relationships...
225
00:08:43,059 --> 00:08:44,321
Hey, want to come
across the street
226
00:08:44,336 --> 00:08:45,257
for a beer and talk about it?
227
00:08:45,273 --> 00:08:47,073
Oh, sure. Thanks.
228
00:08:47,092 --> 00:08:49,113
So, uh, what are you
doing over here anyway?
229
00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:51,550
Oh, just seeing if Lyndsey's
coming out for her 6:15 jog.
230
00:08:51,576 --> 00:08:53,666
Oh, you jog with her?
No.
231
00:08:53,829 --> 00:08:54,972
♪ Men. ♪
232
00:08:55,054 --> 00:08:56,209
Oh, you know,
I don't think
233
00:08:56,230 --> 00:08:57,814
Judith is going to be
too happy to see me.
234
00:08:57,832 --> 00:08:59,876
Oh, don't worry.
She's gone.
235
00:09:04,229 --> 00:09:06,173
Okay, when you say "gone""
236
00:09:06,193 --> 00:09:07,863
do you mean she's traveling,
237
00:09:07,885 --> 00:09:09,642
or is her head in that cooler?
238
00:09:12,672 --> 00:09:14,081
She left me, Al.
239
00:09:14,092 --> 00:09:15,741
Oh, my God, what happened?
240
00:09:15,757 --> 00:09:18,598
Yeah, I had a moment of weakness
with my receptionist.
241
00:09:18,648 --> 00:09:21,572
Actually, 36 and a half
moments of weakness.
242
00:09:22,211 --> 00:09:23,427
Uh, a half?
243
00:09:23,443 --> 00:09:25,760
Judith walked in during 37.
244
00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:28,917
Herb, how could you?
245
00:09:30,843 --> 00:09:32,942
This is my receptionist.
246
00:09:33,504 --> 00:09:36,665
I would have finished 37
while she was watching.
247
00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:38,731
♪ Men.
248
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,303
Hey, man, thanks
for inviting me over.
249
00:09:47,305 --> 00:09:48,296
I really appreciate it.
250
00:09:48,319 --> 00:09:50,572
Ah, come on, you'd do
the same thing for me.
251
00:09:50,602 --> 00:09:52,119
We both know
that's not true,
252
00:09:52,131 --> 00:09:54,075
but it's sweet
of you to say.
253
00:09:54,685 --> 00:09:57,447
And besides, breakups
are like a bruise,
254
00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:58,434
and I want to be there
255
00:09:58,462 --> 00:10:00,565
when yours turns
from dark purple to yellow.
256
00:10:01,884 --> 00:10:04,276
That is the meanest thing
you've ever said.
257
00:10:04,587 --> 00:10:06,020
Kudos.
258
00:10:08,064 --> 00:10:10,130
Okay, here's
a question:
259
00:10:10,788 --> 00:10:13,339
who's your
dream schtupp?
260
00:10:13,474 --> 00:10:14,519
What?
261
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,928
Any woman in the world, one
night, who's it going to be?
262
00:10:16,952 --> 00:10:18,701
Oh, that's easy: Kate.
263
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:19,625
Oh, see, right there.
264
00:10:19,642 --> 00:10:21,362
That's why I wouldn't
have you over.
265
00:10:21,378 --> 00:10:22,994
Who picks their
ex-girlfriend?
266
00:10:23,019 --> 00:10:25,821
I mean, I'm talking
any woman in the world.
267
00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:27,284
Okay, dead or alive?
268
00:10:27,299 --> 00:10:28,915
(scoffs)
It doesn't matter.
269
00:10:29,198 --> 00:10:31,248
Do I have to know her?
Nope.
270
00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:32,403
What if she
doesn't like me?
271
00:10:32,418 --> 00:10:34,084
I... for the
love of God.
272
00:10:34,121 --> 00:10:36,172
In the game
she has to like you.
273
00:10:36,211 --> 00:10:37,585
Okay.
274
00:10:37,749 --> 00:10:39,414
Can she be animated?
275
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,193
Like a-like a cartoon?
276
00:10:41,227 --> 00:10:43,394
What? You want to be chomped
by Ms. Pacman?
277
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,535
No, but I always had
these weird feelings
278
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,960
when I used to see
Bugs Bunny in drag.
279
00:10:48,413 --> 00:10:50,502
Fine, she can
be animated.
280
00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:51,607
Her place or mine?
281
00:10:51,621 --> 00:10:52,987
Who cares?
282
00:10:53,021 --> 00:10:53,933
I do.
283
00:10:53,961 --> 00:10:55,975
It's hard for me to relax
in strange surroundings.
284
00:10:55,996 --> 00:10:57,328
Okay, you know what?
Just forget it.
285
00:10:57,348 --> 00:10:58,601
But-but I didn't
pick a girl.
286
00:10:58,618 --> 00:11:00,946
Just shut up.
You ruin everything.
287
00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:04,177
Mother Teresa.
288
00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:06,274
What?!
289
00:11:06,310 --> 00:11:08,677
That woman gave her whole life
290
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,607
for the benefit of mankind.
291
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:13,883
And one man should give her
a little something back.
292
00:11:14,589 --> 00:11:16,139
Hey, guys.
293
00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:18,269
Oh, hey. Hi.
Hey!
294
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,418
Oh, Alan's girlfriend is taller
than I would have thought.
295
00:11:22,634 --> 00:11:25,135
Herb, uh, you remember Walden.
This is Billy.
296
00:11:25,164 --> 00:11:26,530
Oh. Hello, Billy.
297
00:11:26,550 --> 00:11:29,403
Alan tells me you got, uh,
dumped by Walden's ex-wife.
298
00:11:30,293 --> 00:11:32,360
Yeah. I got dumped
by Alan's ex-wife.
299
00:11:33,227 --> 00:11:35,094
I guess
that makes us dump brothers.
300
00:11:35,412 --> 00:11:36,762
(laughing):
That's, uh...
301
00:11:36,774 --> 00:11:38,038
Who is this guy?
302
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,519
You don't recognize
your own dump brother?
303
00:11:40,724 --> 00:11:42,674
Herb is the most recent victim
304
00:11:42,694 --> 00:11:45,211
of Judith's unrelenting assault
on mankind.
305
00:11:45,252 --> 00:11:48,249
Oh, it sounds like just the
kind of horrible ball-breaker
306
00:11:48,277 --> 00:11:49,609
I always end up with.
307
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:50,517
Mm-hmm.
308
00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:52,029
She available?
309
00:11:52,506 --> 00:11:53,901
Not emotionally.
310
00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:56,285
And she's only physically
available twice a year.
311
00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:58,775
Twice?
Uh, birthdays and Valentine's Day.
312
00:11:58,814 --> 00:12:00,005
Oh, that explains it.
313
00:12:00,030 --> 00:12:02,399
My birthday's
on Valentine's Day.
314
00:12:03,929 --> 00:12:06,035
I thought you were going
to see Lyndsey.
315
00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:08,927
I did... right as she was
going out on a date.
316
00:12:08,953 --> 00:12:10,336
Yikes.
Gut-punch.
317
00:12:10,361 --> 00:12:11,683
With her gynecologist.
318
00:12:11,702 --> 00:12:13,109
Shut up!
319
00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:15,011
What?
320
00:12:15,037 --> 00:12:17,037
That man is a trained
vagina handler.
321
00:12:17,052 --> 00:12:18,873
You do not want
him down there.
322
00:12:19,007 --> 00:12:20,705
He-He's already been down there.
323
00:12:20,719 --> 00:12:21,871
Yeah, on business.
324
00:12:21,899 --> 00:12:24,560
You don't want him to return
on a pleasure cruise.
325
00:12:24,605 --> 00:12:26,138
BILLY:
I mean, I mean,
326
00:12:26,170 --> 00:12:27,336
he could take apart
327
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,584
and reassemble her undercarriage
blindfolded.
328
00:12:29,607 --> 00:12:30,756
You're more like a guy trying
329
00:12:30,758 --> 00:12:32,874
to put a bookshelf
together from IKEA.
330
00:12:33,123 --> 00:12:35,524
Well, you know what?
I don't care. I don't need her.
331
00:12:35,545 --> 00:12:37,278
That's a good attitude.
Mm-hmm.
332
00:12:37,294 --> 00:12:38,426
Exactly. Who needs women?
333
00:12:38,445 --> 00:12:39,862
Not me.
Me, neither. Uh-uh.
334
00:12:42,933 --> 00:12:44,396
Know what we should do?
335
00:12:44,422 --> 00:12:45,445
Go to a bar and pick
up some women?
336
00:12:45,468 --> 00:12:47,029
ALAN & WALDEN: Yup.
337
00:12:50,109 --> 00:12:52,244
All right, this is not gonna be
that hard.
338
00:12:52,246 --> 00:12:54,446
I mean, look at us.
We've got a doctor,
339
00:12:54,448 --> 00:12:56,420
a billionaire,
another billionaire.
340
00:12:56,590 --> 00:12:58,557
Billionaire's
permanent houseguest.
341
00:12:58,629 --> 00:13:00,470
Ooh, he said I'm permanent.
342
00:13:02,554 --> 00:13:04,421
Check out the talent
at three o'clock.
343
00:13:04,439 --> 00:13:05,176
Oh.
344
00:13:05,292 --> 00:13:06,617
Oh, oh, oh.
345
00:13:06,844 --> 00:13:09,428
Hotsy-totsy!
346
00:13:09,676 --> 00:13:11,408
Oh, I got dibs on the blonde.
347
00:13:11,438 --> 00:13:13,754
Oh, who's taking the manly one?
What manly one?
348
00:13:13,792 --> 00:13:15,993
Herb's got the one
with the Adam's apple.
349
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:18,973
Okay, what are we gonna do
here, guys?
350
00:13:18,997 --> 00:13:20,123
You know, uh, what's the plan?
351
00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:21,473
I mean, uh, teams of two,
352
00:13:21,475 --> 00:13:23,358
every man for himself,
uh, shock and awe?
353
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:26,231
Or we just send in
the tall, handsome guy
354
00:13:26,261 --> 00:13:27,594
with the big johnson.
355
00:13:27,608 --> 00:13:28,850
I'll see what I can do.
356
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:31,079
Oh, not you.
Pretty boy here.
357
00:13:31,125 --> 00:13:33,676
Well, I am more
than just a pretty face.
358
00:13:33,716 --> 00:13:37,072
Come on, man. You can be
like the-the great white shark,
359
00:13:37,113 --> 00:13:39,030
and we'll be
the plucky little pilot fish
360
00:13:39,066 --> 00:13:41,183
who swim alongside you
and feed off your scraps.
361
00:13:42,164 --> 00:13:44,405
Why do I have to be cursed
with all of this?
362
00:13:44,429 --> 00:13:46,200
Back off.
363
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:48,410
I will seal the deal.
364
00:13:50,111 --> 00:13:51,839
I've seen this movie before.
365
00:13:52,051 --> 00:13:53,365
You're going to enjoy it.
366
00:13:53,643 --> 00:13:54,859
(clearing throat)
367
00:13:54,890 --> 00:13:56,795
Hi. I hate to interrupt,
368
00:13:56,825 --> 00:13:58,818
so I'm just gonna cut
right to the chase.
369
00:13:58,851 --> 00:14:02,307
I'm neither tall, nor handsome,
but I'm incredibly rich.
370
00:14:02,429 --> 00:14:05,847
So which of you
would like the honor
371
00:14:05,875 --> 00:14:10,461
of sleeping with me
for... $5,000?
372
00:14:14,308 --> 00:14:15,653
I apologize.
373
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,261
Ten thousand.
374
00:14:18,277 --> 00:14:19,793
(scoffs)
375
00:14:25,483 --> 00:14:26,411
(clears throat)
376
00:14:29,917 --> 00:14:31,307
Gentlemen,
377
00:14:31,339 --> 00:14:33,698
the bar has been lowered.
378
00:14:38,068 --> 00:14:39,767
This is a great idea, Herb.
379
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:41,777
Yeah, but we shouldn't
call him Herb.
380
00:14:41,808 --> 00:14:43,374
We should call him Erb.
381
00:14:43,784 --> 00:14:45,617
(laughing)
382
00:14:45,645 --> 00:14:46,948
Well, as a doctor,
383
00:14:46,968 --> 00:14:49,635
I have access to some
pretty righteous chronic.
384
00:14:49,774 --> 00:14:51,337
You're a pediatrician.
385
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:52,907
I prescribe it to the parents.
386
00:14:52,983 --> 00:14:54,184
BILLY:
Hmm.
387
00:14:54,371 --> 00:14:55,520
This would be way better
388
00:14:55,542 --> 00:14:57,225
if there were four
hot women in here.
389
00:14:57,246 --> 00:14:59,229
Yeah, and none of you.
390
00:14:59,562 --> 00:15:01,956
Please, the only way
you could satisfy four women
391
00:15:01,991 --> 00:15:03,946
is if they were cannibals.
392
00:15:04,123 --> 00:15:05,956
(laughing)
Okay.
393
00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:07,494
Yeah. Look,
I will have you know,
394
00:15:07,510 --> 00:15:09,772
I have no trouble satisfying
multiple women.
395
00:15:09,803 --> 00:15:11,527
In fact,
that's kind of the reason
396
00:15:11,564 --> 00:15:14,114
I ended in this big bowl
of sausage soup.
397
00:15:14,627 --> 00:15:15,922
What do you mean?
398
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:20,001
Bridget and I would enjoy
the occasional threesome.
399
00:15:20,065 --> 00:15:23,105
And by "occasional,"
I mean every Friday, Saturday,
400
00:15:23,127 --> 00:15:24,524
and Sunday night.
401
00:15:24,571 --> 00:15:26,870
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bridget, like, my Bridget?
402
00:15:26,896 --> 00:15:29,129
Yup. She was a weekend warrior.
403
00:15:29,375 --> 00:15:32,574
Wow. The closest we ever
came to a threesome
404
00:15:32,606 --> 00:15:36,141
was one time we dog-sat, and I
left the bedroom door open.
405
00:15:36,187 --> 00:15:37,937
Me and that beagle
made eye contact
406
00:15:37,975 --> 00:15:40,108
at the most inopportune moment.
407
00:15:40,577 --> 00:15:42,493
(laughing):
Oh, my God.
408
00:15:42,537 --> 00:15:44,804
Well, hey, hey, hey--
one word of advice.
409
00:15:44,836 --> 00:15:47,630
Do not look up
from the lap of a girl
410
00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:50,392
you just picked up at Safeway
and say to your girlfriend,
411
00:15:50,423 --> 00:15:53,508
"My God, I never
want this to end!"
412
00:15:54,093 --> 00:15:56,110
Aah, threesomes never work out.
413
00:15:56,149 --> 00:15:57,816
Somebody always feels left out.
414
00:15:57,842 --> 00:16:00,809
That's why my receptionist and I
got another couple and swing.
415
00:16:00,871 --> 00:16:04,049
(laughing): Ooh! Stringbean's a freak.
I like it.
416
00:16:04,086 --> 00:16:06,028
Yeah, if you and, uh,
Bridget ever get back together,
417
00:16:06,061 --> 00:16:08,230
maybe she'd like
to become a Herbivore.
418
00:16:10,385 --> 00:16:12,386
I will keep that in mind.
419
00:16:12,950 --> 00:16:15,244
Okay, so I lied
420
00:16:15,279 --> 00:16:17,109
to the woman I love
about who I am.
421
00:16:17,137 --> 00:16:18,419
Herb cheated on his wife.
422
00:16:18,447 --> 00:16:19,713
And Billy spent
too much time
423
00:16:19,740 --> 00:16:21,517
yodeling in
the wrong canyon.
424
00:16:24,014 --> 00:16:25,790
Why did you and Lyndsey
break up?
425
00:16:25,835 --> 00:16:27,986
She wanted a key to the house.
426
00:16:31,731 --> 00:16:32,731
And?
427
00:16:32,962 --> 00:16:34,910
And I said no.
428
00:16:35,364 --> 00:16:36,614
Why?
429
00:16:37,227 --> 00:16:38,760
Well, it's-it's not mine
to give.
430
00:16:38,778 --> 00:16:40,153
It's your house.
431
00:16:40,191 --> 00:16:42,100
Since when does that
matter to you?
432
00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:44,346
Since I don't want my girlfriend
433
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:46,433
to have unrestricted access
to my house.
434
00:16:46,455 --> 00:16:48,467
And we're back to your house.
435
00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:50,879
I like my space!
436
00:16:50,899 --> 00:16:52,448
I-I want to keep
my options open.
437
00:16:52,485 --> 00:16:55,559
Options? You have op-shun.
438
00:16:56,344 --> 00:17:00,562
Shun. As in,
all other girls shun you.
439
00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:02,060
BILLY:
Look, Alan,
440
00:17:02,082 --> 00:17:03,044
don't be a schmuck.
441
00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:04,846
If you're gonna throw away
your relationship,
442
00:17:04,868 --> 00:17:06,063
do it for a good reason.
443
00:17:06,104 --> 00:17:09,739
Like spending too much time
face down in the checkout girl.
444
00:17:10,220 --> 00:17:12,036
Yeah, or, uh, fooling around
445
00:17:12,060 --> 00:17:13,535
with your hot,
young receptionist
446
00:17:13,563 --> 00:17:16,665
who lets you wear a diaper while
riding her around the office.
447
00:17:19,321 --> 00:17:21,163
Is one example.
448
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:24,500
Nobody's gonna think about that
next time we see you.
449
00:17:25,208 --> 00:17:27,721
My point is,
you're the only one of us
450
00:17:27,751 --> 00:17:29,465
who has a chance
to get his girl back.
451
00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:31,562
What about all that stuff
about not needing women?
452
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:34,168
We only said that
because we don't have women.
453
00:17:34,191 --> 00:17:36,623
Really?
Of course. Lyndsey is awesome.
454
00:17:36,659 --> 00:17:39,113
She really is.
She's got the face of an angel,
455
00:17:39,149 --> 00:17:41,399
buttocks you can bounce
a quarter off,
456
00:17:41,421 --> 00:17:44,036
and a bosom that just makes you
wish she was your mother.
457
00:17:46,429 --> 00:17:48,046
But I'm saying she's awesome.
458
00:17:48,522 --> 00:17:51,559
Just give her the key, Alan.
Give her anything she wants.
459
00:17:51,588 --> 00:17:53,505
Well, it's a little late.
She's out with another guy.
460
00:17:53,524 --> 00:17:54,880
Well, no, it's not too late.
461
00:17:54,893 --> 00:17:57,611
Go get her.
Go do it for yourself.
462
00:17:57,647 --> 00:17:59,665
Do it for all of us
who can't get our girl back.
463
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:00,903
Yeah!
Come on, go get her.
464
00:18:00,917 --> 00:18:02,534
Okay, okay, you're right.
Yeah.
465
00:18:02,558 --> 00:18:03,716
You're right.
I'm gonna do it!
466
00:18:03,741 --> 00:18:05,968
I'm gonna do it for all of us!
There you go.
467
00:18:06,059 --> 00:18:07,192
Oh.
468
00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:09,170
(groans)
469
00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:16,731
I cannot believe
he is our only hope.
470
00:18:18,589 --> 00:18:20,199
♪ Men. ♪
471
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,084
(sighs)
472
00:18:24,418 --> 00:18:26,111
I don't know
what the problem is.
473
00:18:26,152 --> 00:18:27,683
This is delightful. Oh!
474
00:18:29,090 --> 00:18:30,222
Oh, boy.
475
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:31,473
Alan?
476
00:18:31,507 --> 00:18:33,327
Oh, Lyndsey. Lyndsey, hi. Hi.
477
00:18:33,354 --> 00:18:34,636
I-I just need two minutes.
478
00:18:34,651 --> 00:18:36,118
Were you peeing in my bushes?
479
00:18:36,145 --> 00:18:38,178
What? No. No. Hi. I'm, uh...
480
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,382
I'm Alan Harper.
481
00:18:39,396 --> 00:18:40,896
No thanks.
482
00:18:40,930 --> 00:18:42,930
Alan, this is not a good time.
483
00:18:42,951 --> 00:18:44,117
Okay, just-just hear me out,
okay?
484
00:18:44,138 --> 00:18:45,599
Look, she said this
wasn't a good time.
485
00:18:45,615 --> 00:18:46,614
WALDEN:
Get him!
486
00:18:46,636 --> 00:18:48,919
Whoa, whoa.
Walden, what are you doing?
487
00:18:48,949 --> 00:18:50,987
You'll thank us later.
What are you doing? Put me down.
488
00:18:51,013 --> 00:18:52,963
Who are you?
HERB: You look lovely, Lyndsey.
489
00:18:52,993 --> 00:18:54,116
What the hell is going on?
490
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,783
I swear I had nothing
to do with this.
491
00:18:55,818 --> 00:18:57,535
Why did they just take
my date away?
492
00:18:57,554 --> 00:18:59,511
Don't worry. I think
they're just trying to help.
493
00:18:59,551 --> 00:19:00,884
Help with what?
494
00:19:00,925 --> 00:19:03,028
Okay, I-I know this seems crazy,
495
00:19:03,077 --> 00:19:06,658
but I've been doing
a lot of thinking and... here.
496
00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:08,599
What's this?
497
00:19:08,629 --> 00:19:10,012
A key to the house.
498
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,556
I want you to have it.
499
00:19:11,938 --> 00:19:12,502
Really?
500
00:19:12,514 --> 00:19:14,064
Yes, yes,
you're my girlfriend.
501
00:19:14,092 --> 00:19:16,615
Mi casa es su casa.
502
00:19:16,652 --> 00:19:17,330
Actually,
503
00:19:17,346 --> 00:19:19,313
mi casa es Walden's casa
504
00:19:19,331 --> 00:19:20,730
es su casa.
505
00:19:21,241 --> 00:19:23,823
I think I went to high school
with a Sue Casa.
506
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,360
Which is ironic,
because she ended up homeless.
507
00:19:26,412 --> 00:19:27,103
Sorry.
508
00:19:27,129 --> 00:19:28,345
Anyway, the point is,
509
00:19:28,380 --> 00:19:30,413
the key is yours.
510
00:19:30,913 --> 00:19:32,136
What made you change your mind?
511
00:19:32,154 --> 00:19:34,020
I love you, Lyndsey.
512
00:19:34,209 --> 00:19:36,677
What really made you
change your mind?
513
00:19:36,696 --> 00:19:38,696
All right, here we go.
514
00:19:38,895 --> 00:19:42,696
The fact that while you could
certainly do better,
515
00:19:42,733 --> 00:19:44,865
there's no way I ever could.
516
00:19:44,964 --> 00:19:47,464
Alan, that is so sweet.
517
00:19:47,597 --> 00:19:49,344
And so true.
518
00:19:50,627 --> 00:19:52,911
So I know Herb and Walden,
519
00:19:52,965 --> 00:19:55,427
but who's the lesbian
in the bathrobe?
520
00:19:56,394 --> 00:19:57,967
♪ Men. ♪
521
00:20:00,655 --> 00:20:02,141
Sorry about kidnapping you.
522
00:20:02,162 --> 00:20:03,350
Ah, don't worry about it.
523
00:20:03,378 --> 00:20:05,240
It was never gonna work
with Lyndsey and me.
524
00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:07,587
Outside of her vagina,
we have nothing in common.
525
00:20:07,735 --> 00:20:08,918
Doctor to doctor,
526
00:20:08,955 --> 00:20:10,571
can I ask you
a medical question?
527
00:20:10,629 --> 00:20:11,992
Is it beautiful?
528
00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:13,549
Herb.
529
00:20:13,621 --> 00:20:15,237
Sorry about that,
Dr. Staven.
530
00:20:15,302 --> 00:20:17,324
Oh, please, call me Steven.
531
00:20:17,352 --> 00:20:19,135
Well, Steven Staven?
532
00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:21,750
It's made me
a stronger person.
533
00:20:22,013 --> 00:20:24,551
You know, you wear that robe
better than Judith ever did.
534
00:20:24,587 --> 00:20:26,585
Really? I feel boxy.
535
00:20:26,636 --> 00:20:28,535
No, no.
(dog barks)
536
00:20:28,771 --> 00:20:30,037
What was that?
537
00:20:30,105 --> 00:20:30,827
(growling)
538
00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:32,125
WALDEN:
Uh-oh.
539
00:20:33,605 --> 00:20:34,605
Oh, crap.
540
00:20:34,649 --> 00:20:36,012
Run, Steven Staven!
541
00:20:36,075 --> 00:20:37,054
Run!
542
00:20:37,068 --> 00:20:38,651
Oh, wait!
543
00:20:38,703 --> 00:20:39,785
Herb's down!
544
00:20:39,809 --> 00:20:41,009
Leave him!
545
00:20:41,315 --> 00:20:42,766
Oh, dear God,
help me!
546
00:20:43,837 --> 00:20:45,456
Tell Lyndsey
I love her!
547
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:51,245
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth