1
00:00:05,915 --> 00:00:07,848
Hi, future me.

2
00:00:09,067 --> 00:00:12,337
This is 17-year-old you
in your dorm room at M.I.T.

3
00:00:14,487 --> 00:00:16,109
Yeah, that's right.

4
00:00:16,121 --> 00:00:18,195
I did my own <i>Pop Up Video.

5
00:00:18,225 --> 00:00:19,849
How cool is that?

6
00:00:19,873 --> 00:00:21,417
(chuckling)

7
00:00:22,201 --> 00:00:23,985
Still is.

8
00:00:24,011 --> 00:00:27,072
Hopefully you're watching this
from your implanted brain chip,

9
00:00:27,097 --> 00:00:29,947
aka the "Tran-Schmidter,"

10
00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:32,608
running proprietary software

11
00:00:32,647 --> 00:00:34,927
developed by
Walden Schmidt Enterprises.

12
00:00:34,946 --> 00:00:36,068
Failing that,

13
00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:38,378
hopefully you've at least
seen a girl naked.

14
00:00:38,985 --> 00:00:40,862
Hey, what you watching?

15
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:41,827
Check this out.

16
00:00:41,837 --> 00:00:44,762
I had all my old videotapes
digitized, and I found this.

17
00:00:44,990 --> 00:00:47,324
Oh, my God,
is that you?

18
00:00:47,984 --> 00:00:50,436
You were nothing more
than an awkward,

19
00:00:50,453 --> 00:00:53,155
pimply-faced,
goofy-looking teenager.

20
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:58,411
We would've been best friends.

21
00:00:59,722 --> 00:01:01,796
Yeah, I made it
when I was at M.I.T.

22
00:01:01,826 --> 00:01:03,727
It outlines everything
I wanted to accomplish

23
00:01:03,747 --> 00:01:05,272
by the time I turned 35.

24
00:01:05,294 --> 00:01:06,707
Oh, I did
a similar thing.

25
00:01:06,723 --> 00:01:08,277
Well, it wasn't
so much a video as, uh,

26
00:01:08,288 --> 00:01:10,176
something I wrote
on a cocktail napkin.

27
00:01:10,197 --> 00:01:12,390
"Don't kill yourself.
It'll get better."

28
00:01:13,472 --> 00:01:15,645
I was so naive.

29
00:01:16,616 --> 00:01:19,174
I hope you've accomplished
your first goal,

30
00:01:19,187 --> 00:01:22,020
as previously stated,
of seeing a girl naked.

31
00:01:22,045 --> 00:01:24,480
And I'm talking in person.

32
00:01:24,566 --> 00:01:27,718
Which I did a short
18 months later.

33
00:01:27,735 --> 00:01:28,965
Goal number two:

34
00:01:28,978 --> 00:01:30,611
Create your
own software company

35
00:01:30,629 --> 00:01:32,836
that revolutionizes
the industry standard

36
00:01:32,848 --> 00:01:36,089
for information transferral
at blinding speeds.

37
00:01:38,538 --> 00:01:40,459
(dial-up modem whirring)

38
00:01:40,563 --> 00:01:43,487
Hear that?
56k dial-up.

39
00:01:43,510 --> 00:01:44,809
In four hours,

40
00:01:44,830 --> 00:01:48,233
I will have downloaded
the entire Spice Girls album.

41
00:01:52,381 --> 00:01:53,983
(laughing)

42
00:01:56,719 --> 00:01:59,454
After building your company
from the ground up,

43
00:01:59,456 --> 00:02:01,401
you will sell it for...

44
00:02:01,584 --> 00:02:03,697
one million dollars.

45
00:02:05,630 --> 00:02:06,563
(laughing)

46
00:02:06,821 --> 00:02:08,688
Well, that
didn't happen.

47
00:02:08,713 --> 00:02:12,225
I sold it
for one billion dollars.

48
00:02:12,238 --> 00:02:14,405
(both laughing)

49
00:02:14,407 --> 00:02:16,534
Yeah, baby!

50
00:02:18,081 --> 00:02:19,048
Don't.

51
00:02:19,087 --> 00:02:21,220
Just...
just don't.

52
00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:24,013
Number three:

53
00:02:24,015 --> 00:02:26,656
live in a beautiful beach house.

54
00:02:26,689 --> 00:02:28,189
Nailed it.

55
00:02:28,218 --> 00:02:30,539
With the love of your life.

56
00:02:30,574 --> 00:02:32,391
Nailed it.

57
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:36,448
Although it is kind of hard
to meet someone

58
00:02:36,477 --> 00:02:40,500
when you spend 20 hours a day
in the computer lab.

59
00:02:47,005 --> 00:02:49,073
Phyllis is now Phil.

60
00:02:49,075 --> 00:02:52,009
He's a commercial
fisherman in Baton Rouge.

61
00:02:52,011 --> 00:02:54,912
But I'm sure all this hard work
will be worth it someday

62
00:02:54,914 --> 00:02:57,214
when you're watching this video
with your beautiful wife,

63
00:02:57,216 --> 00:03:01,418
four kids, two dogs
and robot butler

64
00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:04,354
developed by
Walden Schmidt Enterprises.

65
00:03:04,356 --> 00:03:05,689
(robotic voice):
Hello, Walden.

66
00:03:05,691 --> 00:03:08,826
Would you like a root beer?

67
00:03:08,828 --> 00:03:10,561
Heck, yeah.

68
00:03:13,164 --> 00:03:15,566
Where did my life
take such a wrong turn?

69
00:03:15,568 --> 00:03:17,534
What are you talking about?

70
00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:20,138
I don't have any of those things
that matter.

71
00:03:20,140 --> 00:03:22,374
No wife, no kids.

72
00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:24,736
All I have is you.

73
00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,430
Well...

74
00:03:29,316 --> 00:03:31,593
we could adopt.

75
00:03:32,275 --> 00:03:36,169
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x17 ♪
Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
Original Air Date on February 21, 2013

76
00:03:36,296 --> 00:03:40,500
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth

77
00:03:49,218 --> 00:03:50,818
Hey.

78
00:03:50,874 --> 00:03:52,250
Oh, hey.

79
00:03:52,288 --> 00:03:53,871
What are you doing up?

80
00:03:53,898 --> 00:03:55,998
Alan is sleep-sobbing again.

81
00:03:57,842 --> 00:03:59,943
You still
watching this thing?

82
00:03:59,977 --> 00:04:01,728
I'm a failure, Lyndsey.

83
00:04:01,766 --> 00:04:03,980
No, you're not, Walden.

84
00:04:04,004 --> 00:04:06,703
Although you looked
like one in college.

85
00:04:07,588 --> 00:04:09,089
Yeah, I kind of did.

86
00:04:09,111 --> 00:04:13,292
I mean, I wouldn't have slept with you,
and I slept with everybody.

87
00:04:13,326 --> 00:04:14,502
Got it.

88
00:04:14,533 --> 00:04:17,167
I even slept with
the janitor in my dorm.

89
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,399
Is this supposed
to cheer me up?

90
00:04:19,413 --> 00:04:21,231
(laughing):
Oh, I'm sorry.

91
00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:22,356
I'm sorry.

92
00:04:22,384 --> 00:04:24,273
Look, when I was 18,

93
00:04:24,299 --> 00:04:26,487
I was convinced
I was gonna marry Axl Rose

94
00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:28,118
and have my own TV show.

95
00:04:28,127 --> 00:04:29,860
Well, they don't give
TV shows to people

96
00:04:29,869 --> 00:04:31,673
just 'cause they're
good-looking.

97
00:04:36,031 --> 00:04:38,700
You know, Walden,
just 'cause your life

98
00:04:38,729 --> 00:04:40,195
didn't turn out
the way you thought,

99
00:04:40,204 --> 00:04:41,670
doesn't mean
it's not a success.

100
00:04:41,693 --> 00:04:44,670
I mean, how many people
can say they're a billionaire?

101
00:04:44,705 --> 00:04:47,306
1,226.

102
00:04:48,118 --> 00:04:49,779
Seriously?

103
00:04:49,953 --> 00:04:52,187
That's a lot more
than I thought.

104
00:04:52,212 --> 00:04:53,794
Do you know them all?

105
00:04:53,804 --> 00:04:55,816
Well, there's not
a club or anything.

106
00:04:56,565 --> 00:04:59,767
But Buffett does host a
poker game once a month.

107
00:04:59,805 --> 00:05:01,765
Last time, I won Guatemala.

108
00:05:01,785 --> 00:05:02,623
Wow.

109
00:05:02,646 --> 00:05:05,943
And then I lost at the end
to the woman who invented Spanx.

110
00:05:06,063 --> 00:05:07,798
Mmm.

111
00:05:07,917 --> 00:05:09,417
Money doesn't mean anything

112
00:05:09,436 --> 00:05:11,206
if I don't have anyone
to share it with.

113
00:05:11,226 --> 00:05:12,378
Oh, I get that.

114
00:05:12,404 --> 00:05:14,637
But you're not going
to meet anybody

115
00:05:14,668 --> 00:05:17,603
sitting on your couch
feeling sorry for yourself.

116
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,473
Are you?

117
00:05:20,908 --> 00:05:22,494
I guess not.

118
00:05:22,512 --> 00:05:24,099
Damn.

119
00:05:24,117 --> 00:05:26,732
I just don't get
relationships.

120
00:05:26,756 --> 00:05:28,285
Nobody does.

121
00:05:28,301 --> 00:05:30,833
They're scary and messy.

122
00:05:31,084 --> 00:05:33,152
And sometimes
you get involved

123
00:05:33,168 --> 00:05:35,251
with somebody
you don't really like.

124
00:05:35,392 --> 00:05:38,355
And... one day, you find
yourself peeing on a stick,

125
00:05:38,677 --> 00:05:40,625
and the plus sign shows up

126
00:05:40,654 --> 00:05:42,297
and you have to give up
your dreams of being an actress

127
00:05:42,321 --> 00:05:44,046
so you can raise a kid
who can only do math

128
00:05:44,075 --> 00:05:46,542
when he's figuring out
the cost of weed.

129
00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:47,611
(sighs)

130
00:05:47,635 --> 00:05:50,444
Pep talks really aren't
your strong suit, are they?

131
00:05:51,106 --> 00:05:53,079
I'm just saying,

132
00:05:53,105 --> 00:05:55,606
things happen,
but you can't give up.

133
00:05:55,617 --> 00:05:57,574
I mean, if I
had stopped looking,

134
00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,767
I never would've found my
amazing, wonderful boyfriend.

135
00:06:01,421 --> 00:06:03,725
Oh, you're
cheating on Alan?

136
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,204
ALAN:
Hey.

137
00:06:09,224 --> 00:06:11,835
Uh, would you eat
expired pudding?

138
00:06:20,601 --> 00:06:21,653
No.

139
00:06:21,672 --> 00:06:23,685
Oh, good.
Then I can have it.

140
00:06:23,723 --> 00:06:25,728
Knock yourself out.

141
00:06:25,746 --> 00:06:27,011
What you doing?

142
00:06:27,037 --> 00:06:29,615
I'm looking for
this card, and I can't...

143
00:06:29,629 --> 00:06:31,439
Ah, there it is.

144
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:34,775
"Emily's Elite
and Discreet Introductions."

145
00:06:34,806 --> 00:06:36,851
Oh, fancy call girls.

146
00:06:36,905 --> 00:06:38,355
I like it.

147
00:06:38,380 --> 00:06:40,241
No, it's a dating service.

148
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:43,121
Oh, right.
"Dating service." Wink-wink.

149
00:06:43,344 --> 00:06:45,334
You know,
I want to like you,

150
00:06:45,349 --> 00:06:47,948
but sometimes
you make it so hard.

151
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:52,203
"Substantial relationships
for substantial people."

152
00:06:52,231 --> 00:06:54,424
Ah, big girls.

153
00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:57,904
Get your smoosh on.

154
00:06:58,241 --> 00:07:00,838
They throw mixers
for single rich people.

155
00:07:00,858 --> 00:07:03,032
I wouldn't think you'd be
into that kind of thing.

156
00:07:03,058 --> 00:07:04,791
You've always been a...
a "fate" kind of guy.

157
00:07:04,805 --> 00:07:06,404
Yeah, well,
I'm gonna create my own fate.

158
00:07:06,412 --> 00:07:07,445
Lyndsey's right.

159
00:07:07,471 --> 00:07:10,394
I'm not gonna find anyone sitting around here
feeling sorry for myself.

160
00:07:10,427 --> 00:07:12,499
No, you're not.

161
00:07:12,522 --> 00:07:14,375
Are you?

162
00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:17,637
- What?
- Nothing.

163
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,495
Hey, uh, can I go along?

164
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,006
- No, you have Lyndsey.
- I'd be doing it for her.

165
00:07:22,026 --> 00:07:25,696
Look, I'll find a rich,
90-year-old woman with a bad ticker,

166
00:07:25,718 --> 00:07:27,528
give her the best three minutes
of her life,

167
00:07:27,561 --> 00:07:29,746
and then, you know,
send her out with a bang...

168
00:07:30,209 --> 00:07:33,168
...then spend
my inheritance on Lyndsey.

169
00:07:33,232 --> 00:07:36,266
Or whatever's left
after my grief cruise.

170
00:07:36,933 --> 00:07:40,135
Again, you make it really hard
to like you.

171
00:07:41,346 --> 00:07:43,113
I just want
a sugar mama.

172
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,413
Yeah, you have one.

173
00:07:44,437 --> 00:07:46,637
Her name is Walden.

174
00:07:53,126 --> 00:07:55,311
Walden, we have a
great mixer tonight.

175
00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:58,077
I hope you're ready to meet
some substantial women.

176
00:07:58,114 --> 00:08:00,966
Yep, I'm ready
to get my smoosh on.

177
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,930
I'm sorry.
I'm just really nervous.

178
00:08:04,944 --> 00:08:06,137
(laughs)
Don't be.

179
00:08:06,159 --> 00:08:08,431
Everyone here is rich
and looking for love.

180
00:08:08,449 --> 00:08:11,780
The only woman in this room
who wants you for your money is me.

181
00:08:11,815 --> 00:08:13,948
(chuckling)
Happy mingling.

182
00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:16,052
Okay.

183
00:08:23,338 --> 00:08:25,109
Hello.

184
00:08:25,144 --> 00:08:26,616
Hello.

185
00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,735
Trust fund or tech?

186
00:08:28,756 --> 00:08:29,749
Excuse me?

187
00:08:29,771 --> 00:08:32,283
The way you're dressed means
you're either the beneficiary of a trust fund

188
00:08:32,307 --> 00:08:33,591
or in the tech business.

189
00:08:33,609 --> 00:08:36,522
Unless you're working here,
in which case I need another drink.

190
00:08:36,545 --> 00:08:39,593
Ac-Actually, I'm in tech.
I started my own company when I was...

191
00:08:39,622 --> 00:08:41,689
What do your
Fridays look like?

192
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:45,536
Uh, a lot like my Thursdays,
just one day later.

193
00:08:45,570 --> 00:08:46,526
(laughing)

194
00:08:46,546 --> 00:08:47,846
A sense of humor.

195
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:50,171
Some people find
that attractive.

196
00:08:51,775 --> 00:08:53,858
Are you one of them?

197
00:08:54,155 --> 00:08:55,355
I love to laugh.

198
00:08:55,380 --> 00:08:57,480
Now, I've got
Friday evenings,

199
00:08:57,505 --> 00:08:59,729
Sunday afternoons
and ski season.

200
00:08:59,749 --> 00:09:01,487
How does that
work for you?

201
00:09:01,506 --> 00:09:04,318
What...? So...Don't you want
to at least know my name?

202
00:09:04,332 --> 00:09:06,266
Really?

203
00:09:06,305 --> 00:09:08,479
We have to do all this?

204
00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:10,137
All right,
I'm Sylvia Miller,

205
00:09:10,155 --> 00:09:12,622
and I'm the CEO of a major
pharmaceutical company.

206
00:09:12,655 --> 00:09:14,568
- Wow, very impressive.
- Yes.

207
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:17,664
Every time you get an erection,
you owe me ten dollars.

208
00:09:18,289 --> 00:09:19,890
See? Sense of humor.

209
00:09:19,911 --> 00:09:22,076
Now, Fridays and Sundays.

210
00:09:22,116 --> 00:09:25,008
I just thought maybe we could
spend some time

211
00:09:25,038 --> 00:09:27,542
- getting to know each...
- Nice talking to you.

212
00:09:28,496 --> 00:09:31,365
Okay, I'll put her
on the "maybe" pile.

213
00:09:31,395 --> 00:09:32,988
Hi, How you doing?

214
00:09:32,999 --> 00:09:35,022
Oh, hi. I'm Walden Schmidt.

215
00:09:35,030 --> 00:09:37,462
Nice to meet you.
TC Randall.

216
00:09:38,681 --> 00:09:40,890
You're <i>the</i> TC Randall?

217
00:09:40,932 --> 00:09:44,146
Author of Throgwarten
Middle School Mysteries?

218
00:09:44,177 --> 00:09:46,283
I-I've read all your books.

219
00:09:46,310 --> 00:09:47,476
Really?

220
00:09:47,496 --> 00:09:49,367
Yeah, I... Who hasn't?

221
00:09:49,401 --> 00:09:51,285
Grown men.

222
00:09:51,854 --> 00:09:54,851
Their loss. I mean, you're-you're
an amazing author.

223
00:09:54,873 --> 00:09:56,057
Thank you.

224
00:09:56,072 --> 00:09:58,573
Oh, you know, I do have
one question, though.

225
00:09:58,588 --> 00:10:01,874
In-in book three,
the dragons inexplicably

226
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,310
lose their ability to breathe fire

227
00:10:03,331 --> 00:10:06,481
when clearly, in book two,
the wizards gave them that ability.

228
00:10:06,503 --> 00:10:10,196
Was that a setup for
book four or an oversight?

229
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,796
They're children's books.

230
00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:15,276
Well, it says on the cover

231
00:10:15,296 --> 00:10:18,864
they're for wizards, dragon
trainers and kids of all ages.

232
00:10:18,936 --> 00:10:21,006
Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry.

233
00:10:21,027 --> 00:10:25,163
Um, the dragons lost
their ability to breathe fire

234
00:10:25,202 --> 00:10:27,283
in the Caverns of Chaos.

235
00:10:27,310 --> 00:10:29,929
Ah, come on, They didn't even go
to the Caverns of Chaos

236
00:10:29,948 --> 00:10:32,549
until they solved the
mystery of the missing map.

237
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:34,132
All right, you know what?

238
00:10:34,173 --> 00:10:37,545
When I wrote those books,
I was addicted to painkillers.

239
00:10:37,606 --> 00:10:40,741
They make no sense, but they
make me a ton of money,

240
00:10:40,769 --> 00:10:43,355
so cut me some slack.

241
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:47,713
Probably got the painkillers
from the pharmaceutical chick.

242
00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:51,918
So, any luck so far?

243
00:10:51,945 --> 00:10:52,943
No, not yet.

244
00:10:52,951 --> 00:10:55,447
Oh, well, don't worry.
There are plenty of women here.

245
00:10:55,470 --> 00:10:56,703
Well, how about them?

246
00:10:56,727 --> 00:10:58,527
Um, Sarah's oil money.

247
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,760
Stephanie is a tobacco heiress,

248
00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:04,474
and Amy had sex with a senator
and owns the video.

249
00:11:05,449 --> 00:11:07,016
Oh, my God.

250
00:11:07,043 --> 00:11:09,477
I don't care how,
I care how much.

251
00:11:10,065 --> 00:11:13,238
Uh, no. The... woman
in the green dress.

252
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:16,135
I used to be
married to her.

253
00:11:16,173 --> 00:11:17,543
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

254
00:11:17,555 --> 00:11:20,104
I-I try to avoid
situations like this.

255
00:11:20,310 --> 00:11:22,168
No. You know what?
It's fine. I'll...

256
00:11:22,197 --> 00:11:23,724
I'll just go say hello.

257
00:11:23,744 --> 00:11:25,750
Sure. What's the worst
that can happen?

258
00:11:25,771 --> 00:11:27,804
She's already got
half your money.

259
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:39,431
Bridget?

260
00:11:39,608 --> 00:11:41,118
Walden?

261
00:11:41,447 --> 00:11:43,575
What are you doing here?

262
00:11:43,835 --> 00:11:45,929
Just... drinking a beer,

263
00:11:45,958 --> 00:11:48,022
losing faith in humanity,

264
00:11:48,051 --> 00:11:49,751
planning to die alone.

265
00:11:49,787 --> 00:11:52,602
(chuckles) I get it.
These people are awful.

266
00:11:52,635 --> 00:11:55,703
The last guy I talked to
offered to give me a boob job.

267
00:11:55,735 --> 00:11:57,136
A plastic surgeon?

268
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,305
Unfortunately, no.

269
00:11:59,336 --> 00:12:01,416
So, you haven't met
anyone, either?

270
00:12:01,481 --> 00:12:04,216
No. I'm actually thinking
about going next door.

271
00:12:04,242 --> 00:12:07,343
The Goldberg Bar Mitzvah
seems like it's going off.

272
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,913
Mmm. Well, good luck to you.

273
00:12:08,938 --> 00:12:11,344
I hope you find
what you're looking for.

274
00:12:12,361 --> 00:12:15,863
(chuckles) So, did I find what
I was looking for?

275
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,467
Oh, yeah.

276
00:12:17,492 --> 00:12:18,988
(sighs)

277
00:12:21,248 --> 00:12:24,083
- So...
- Yeah.

278
00:12:25,460 --> 00:12:27,377
That happened.

279
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,558
Twice.

280
00:12:29,591 --> 00:12:31,540
Three for me.

281
00:12:31,580 --> 00:12:33,246
- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.

282
00:12:33,265 --> 00:12:36,637
The third time, I thought you were screaming
just 'cause I was on your hair.

283
00:12:38,252 --> 00:12:41,020
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

284
00:12:41,037 --> 00:12:42,804
What does this mean?

285
00:12:42,822 --> 00:12:45,089
It means
we both paid $1,000

286
00:12:45,099 --> 00:12:47,333
to meet someone
we already slept with.

287
00:12:47,355 --> 00:12:49,184
(chuckles)

288
00:12:49,231 --> 00:12:51,437
Wait, you paid $1,000?

289
00:12:51,462 --> 00:12:52,994
I paid $2,000.

290
00:12:53,030 --> 00:12:56,232
Looks like you got screwed
a lot tonight.

291
00:12:57,741 --> 00:12:59,708
The answer is...

292
00:12:59,722 --> 00:13:01,937
I don't know
what it means.

293
00:13:01,962 --> 00:13:04,732
- I just know it feels right.
- It does.

294
00:13:04,774 --> 00:13:06,954
Which is odd
because we just did

295
00:13:06,993 --> 00:13:09,694
a couple things that
were very, very wrong.

296
00:13:10,576 --> 00:13:14,284
So, how do we make sure we don't end up
where we were before?

297
00:13:14,318 --> 00:13:15,784
Well, that's...

298
00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:17,972
Everything that happened
before was your fault,

299
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:20,275
so it's kind of up to you.

300
00:13:21,293 --> 00:13:24,017
I'm a different person than
I was when we split up.

301
00:13:24,036 --> 00:13:25,509
That's good.

302
00:13:25,521 --> 00:13:28,577
'Cause towards the end, I felt more
like your mother than your wife.

303
00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:31,605
Oh, you're a much better
kisser than my mom.

304
00:13:31,633 --> 00:13:33,734
So are you.

305
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,214
Uh, the truth is...

306
00:13:36,242 --> 00:13:38,590
I've grown up a lot since then.

307
00:13:38,617 --> 00:13:40,809
I don't need anyone
to take care of me now.

308
00:13:40,837 --> 00:13:43,432
So I don't have to check under
the bed for monsters anymore?

309
00:13:43,455 --> 00:13:45,888
No, of course not.
Alan does that.

310
00:13:45,911 --> 00:13:48,126
Does Alan do this?

311
00:13:48,172 --> 00:13:49,903
Yes.

312
00:13:51,343 --> 00:13:53,161
Well...

313
00:13:53,505 --> 00:13:56,107
Uh, he does not do that.

314
00:13:56,150 --> 00:13:57,482
(chuckles)

315
00:13:59,149 --> 00:14:02,118
Can't believe you guys
are back together.

316
00:14:02,146 --> 00:14:04,480
Walden and Bridget.
Bridget and Walden.

317
00:14:04,502 --> 00:14:05,890
And Alan.

318
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:07,653
The... three musketeers.

319
00:14:07,672 --> 00:14:08,716
Or three's a crowd.

320
00:14:08,725 --> 00:14:09,757
Or three's company.

321
00:14:09,774 --> 00:14:11,584
Or three strikes
and you're out.

322
00:14:11,606 --> 00:14:14,107
Okay, okay. Just play nice.

323
00:14:15,499 --> 00:14:17,188
Sorry.

324
00:14:17,230 --> 00:14:19,291
So, uh, Bridget, uh...

325
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,424
after you and Walden broke up,

326
00:14:21,439 --> 00:14:23,940
didn't you immediately
start dating his best friend

327
00:14:23,959 --> 00:14:25,582
and business partner, Billy?

328
00:14:25,601 --> 00:14:27,472
I did, but in
hindsight, I realize

329
00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:30,176
it was just a pathetic
attempt to stay close to Walden.

330
00:14:30,194 --> 00:14:32,127
You know what that's like,
don't you, Alan?

331
00:14:32,608 --> 00:14:34,041
(Walden snorts, laughs)

332
00:14:34,477 --> 00:14:36,708
All right, that was a good one.

333
00:14:38,596 --> 00:14:40,363
What are you eating?

334
00:14:40,384 --> 00:14:43,252
Oh. It's a bacon,
egg and cheese sandwich

335
00:14:43,284 --> 00:14:44,878
with pancakes as the bread.

336
00:14:44,903 --> 00:14:46,937
I call it a McWalden.

337
00:14:47,099 --> 00:14:49,176
I call it a McBypass.

338
00:14:49,499 --> 00:14:51,833
It has all
the basic food groups:

339
00:14:51,866 --> 00:14:54,028
protein, dairy...

340
00:14:54,066 --> 00:14:55,666
syrup.

341
00:14:55,696 --> 00:14:57,720
If you don't eat properly,

342
00:14:57,735 --> 00:15:00,269
your immune system
can't do its job.

343
00:15:00,342 --> 00:15:02,042
I have had more colds this year.

344
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,532
See? I'm gonna pour you a glass

345
00:15:04,559 --> 00:15:07,229
of fresh orange juice
to wash that down.

346
00:15:07,260 --> 00:15:09,126
(whispering):
She's doing it again.

347
00:15:09,152 --> 00:15:10,299
(whispering):
What?

348
00:15:10,334 --> 00:15:11,633
Telling you what to do.

349
00:15:11,662 --> 00:15:13,818
She just cares about me.

350
00:15:13,850 --> 00:15:15,850
(meows, imitates whip cracking)
Shut up.

351
00:15:16,447 --> 00:15:18,160
Here you go.

352
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,185
Okay, I think
you're all done with that.

353
00:15:20,207 --> 00:15:21,056
Oh, um, actually,
I was not...

354
00:15:21,071 --> 00:15:22,270
- Drink your juice.
- Okay.

355
00:15:22,283 --> 00:15:24,614
And when you're done, I want you
to go upstairs and make your bed.

356
00:15:24,618 --> 00:15:25,233
Mmm.

357
00:15:25,332 --> 00:15:27,714
- But Berta does it.
- No buts.

358
00:15:28,075 --> 00:15:29,602
Okay.

359
00:15:31,179 --> 00:15:33,031
(whispers):
Run...

360
00:15:38,611 --> 00:15:43,147
I'm so... glad that we
found each other again.

361
00:15:43,149 --> 00:15:45,316
Me, too.

362
00:15:46,511 --> 00:15:48,845
I want to try something.

363
00:15:48,884 --> 00:15:51,586
Whatever it is, I am in.

364
00:15:51,619 --> 00:15:53,495
It's pretty extreme.

365
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,203
Oh, yay!

366
00:15:56,815 --> 00:15:58,967
Are you ready
to have your mind blown?

367
00:15:58,988 --> 00:16:01,268
Among other things.

368
00:16:05,162 --> 00:16:09,465
Let's... wait.

369
00:16:11,726 --> 00:16:13,931
For what?

370
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:17,107
Let's not have sex tonight.

371
00:16:17,718 --> 00:16:20,084
Let's wait.

372
00:16:20,886 --> 00:16:23,764
I'm not sure
that I follow.

373
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,234
Imagine how much deeper

374
00:16:26,265 --> 00:16:28,899
we could connect
on an emotional level

375
00:16:28,923 --> 00:16:31,627
if we weren't prisoners
of our pelvis.

376
00:16:31,744 --> 00:16:33,977
But I like that prison.

377
00:16:34,004 --> 00:16:37,155
I just... I just don't
want to be in solitary.

378
00:16:37,406 --> 00:16:38,988
I'm serious, Walden.

379
00:16:39,018 --> 00:16:41,670
I want sex to be more
than just a physical release.

380
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:43,934
I want it
to be a special event.

381
00:16:44,011 --> 00:16:47,179
Okay, are we talking
special event like...

382
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:49,215
Monday Night Football?

383
00:16:49,246 --> 00:16:51,930
Or special event
like Halley's Comet?

384
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,353
I'll let you know.

385
00:16:54,616 --> 00:16:57,305
But in the meantime,
there's other stuff we could do.

386
00:16:57,352 --> 00:16:59,786
Oh, I like other stuff.

387
00:16:59,961 --> 00:17:01,661
What do you have in mind?

388
00:17:01,679 --> 00:17:03,643
We can cuddle.

389
00:17:04,450 --> 00:17:06,083
Cuddle?

390
00:17:06,105 --> 00:17:08,075
I think it would really
help us connect.

391
00:17:08,102 --> 00:17:10,095
Let's try it.

392
00:17:11,367 --> 00:17:13,472
Mmm.

393
00:17:13,523 --> 00:17:15,843
See? Isn't this nice?

394
00:17:15,865 --> 00:17:17,765
Mmm, mmm.

395
00:17:18,045 --> 00:17:21,746
This is... so much better
than having nasty old sex.

396
00:17:21,748 --> 00:17:23,281
Mm-hmm.

397
00:17:23,283 --> 00:17:25,517
This is...

398
00:17:25,519 --> 00:17:27,986
Mmm.

399
00:17:31,724 --> 00:17:35,094
So, how do we know
when we're done?

400
00:17:38,463 --> 00:17:40,599
(gasps)
There you are, Alan.

401
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:43,402
Come. Join us, please.

402
00:17:47,674 --> 00:17:49,841
Oh, this can't be good.

403
00:17:53,012 --> 00:17:55,036
So, uh...

404
00:17:55,406 --> 00:17:56,939
what's going on?

405
00:17:56,959 --> 00:17:58,758
Walden.

406
00:18:03,777 --> 00:18:05,659
Um...

407
00:18:05,698 --> 00:18:08,227
first, I would like to say

408
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:10,478
that I appreciate

409
00:18:10,698 --> 00:18:13,096
what a great friend you are.

410
00:18:13,867 --> 00:18:15,736
Thank you?

411
00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:19,830
Uh, which (clears throat)
makes it hard for me...

412
00:18:19,875 --> 00:18:22,324
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

413
00:18:23,634 --> 00:18:25,559
Bridget feels that...

414
00:18:25,568 --> 00:18:27,753
(clears throat)
We feel...

415
00:18:27,789 --> 00:18:30,957
that you living here
is no longer,

416
00:18:31,025 --> 00:18:34,826
beneficial to the goals
of this household.

417
00:18:35,988 --> 00:18:37,488
Buh-bye.

418
00:18:39,385 --> 00:18:40,666
Fine, fine.

419
00:18:40,707 --> 00:18:43,128
Let me just say one thing.

420
00:18:43,146 --> 00:18:45,079
Okay, when you guys broke up
the first time,

421
00:18:45,108 --> 00:18:47,152
it's because Bridget
thought you were a child.

422
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:49,389
Turns out she's the one
who keeps you a child

423
00:18:49,404 --> 00:18:51,236
by controlling
everything you do.

424
00:18:51,248 --> 00:18:53,114
Nuh-uh.

425
00:18:53,129 --> 00:18:54,224
Mark my words.

426
00:18:54,241 --> 00:18:56,494
Next, she'll start with holding sex.

427
00:18:58,276 --> 00:19:00,678
You'll be like a dog
begging for a bone.

428
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:02,280
Or a dog with a bone.

429
00:19:02,282 --> 00:19:05,183
Either way,
a bone will be involved.

430
00:19:06,622 --> 00:19:08,887
Why is Zippy so upset?

431
00:19:08,889 --> 00:19:10,689
Walden asked him
to move out.

432
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:13,159
(chuckles)
It's about time.

433
00:19:13,161 --> 00:19:14,307
Hey, Berta?

434
00:19:14,334 --> 00:19:15,254
Yeah?

435
00:19:15,274 --> 00:19:17,392
Um, why don't
you have a seat?

436
00:19:17,437 --> 00:19:19,637
Ah, crap.

437
00:19:29,150 --> 00:19:31,710
Hi, sleepyhead.

438
00:19:31,836 --> 00:19:32,929
Hi.

439
00:19:32,953 --> 00:19:36,182
Isn't this nice?
Just the two of us?

440
00:19:36,417 --> 00:19:38,585
I'm a little groggy.

441
00:19:38,671 --> 00:19:40,152
What happened?

442
00:19:40,154 --> 00:19:43,080
I have a little
surprise for you.

443
00:19:43,127 --> 00:19:44,961
Oh.

444
00:19:45,006 --> 00:19:46,873
What is it?

445
00:19:49,865 --> 00:19:51,866
My balls?

446
00:19:52,169 --> 00:19:53,873
No, sweetie.

447
00:19:53,897 --> 00:19:55,784
My balls.

448
00:19:57,916 --> 00:19:59,950
(screaming)

449
00:20:07,535 --> 00:20:09,182
How'd it go with
your ex-wife?

450
00:20:09,184 --> 00:20:10,483
It was a nightmare.

451
00:20:10,485 --> 00:20:12,452
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪

452
00:20:14,788 --> 00:20:17,457
Uh, hello, future Alan Harper.

453
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:20,002
Uh, it's you from the past,

454
00:20:20,107 --> 00:20:23,178
uh, outlining my goals
for the next 50 years.

455
00:20:23,244 --> 00:20:26,541
Uh, I hope this finds you still

456
00:20:26,602 --> 00:20:28,769
on this comfortable couch,

457
00:20:28,816 --> 00:20:30,788
in this lovely beach house,

458
00:20:30,832 --> 00:20:33,265
um, hopefully, uh, with Walden

459
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:36,167
or whoever moves in after him.

460
00:20:37,687 --> 00:20:39,855
Nailed it.

461
00:20:41,597 --> 00:20:43,197
What?

462
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,677
I-I said,

463
00:20:45,757 --> 00:20:47,752
"Nailed it."

464
00:20:47,963 --> 00:20:49,998
(stammering)

465
00:20:51,270 --> 00:20:54,371
If you want coffee,
go make coffee!

466
00:20:57,383 --> 00:20:59,281
Buffalo!

467
00:21:03,041 --> 00:21:08,041
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth