1
00:00:02,015 --> 00:00:04,332
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:05,134 --> 00:00:07,686
(exhales)
3
00:00:07,688 --> 00:00:08,887
(sighs)
4
00:00:11,441 --> 00:00:13,692
(whirring)
5
00:00:13,694 --> 00:00:15,227
Really?
6
00:00:15,229 --> 00:00:17,129
Do you have to do this
right now?
7
00:00:17,131 --> 00:00:20,282
Wow, that's the first time
anyone ever complained
8
00:00:20,284 --> 00:00:22,451
about me doing too much
work around here.
9
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:25,854
Why don't you go do
that on the deck?
10
00:00:25,856 --> 00:00:27,873
Because...
this is my house.
11
00:00:27,875 --> 00:00:29,274
I can work out
wherever I want.
12
00:00:29,276 --> 00:00:31,126
Besides, when I do yoga
on the deck,
13
00:00:31,128 --> 00:00:33,328
the kids on the beach
call me gay.
14
00:00:33,330 --> 00:00:36,331
You sure that's not because you
live with a middle-aged man?
15
00:00:39,802 --> 00:00:41,253
Morning.
16
00:00:41,255 --> 00:00:42,671
Morning.
17
00:00:42,673 --> 00:00:43,805
Ooh, a little yoga?
18
00:00:43,807 --> 00:00:45,707
Yeah, I'm just trying
to clear my head.
19
00:00:49,378 --> 00:00:51,079
Um, speaking of heads,
20
00:00:51,081 --> 00:00:53,682
Buddha's poking his
out of the temple.
21
00:00:53,684 --> 00:00:55,750
You know what? If I lived here
alone, it wouldn't matter.
22
00:00:55,752 --> 00:00:56,802
Right.
23
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Sorry. Namaste.
24
00:01:00,673 --> 00:01:02,391
What does "Namaste"
actually mean?
25
00:01:02,393 --> 00:01:03,358
Get out!
26
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:04,610
Okay.
27
00:01:04,612 --> 00:01:07,262
I'm gonna "nama-not-stay"
right here.
28
00:01:07,264 --> 00:01:09,548
Okay, focus.
29
00:01:09,550 --> 00:01:11,767
I want peace...
30
00:01:11,769 --> 00:01:14,186
I want serenity...
31
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(blender whirring)
32
00:01:15,239 --> 00:01:16,588
I want a murder weapon.
33
00:01:21,294 --> 00:01:22,294
Dude!
34
00:01:22,296 --> 00:01:24,446
You need to relax.
35
00:01:24,448 --> 00:01:25,797
Do some yoga or something.
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00:01:25,799 --> 00:01:27,416
What is that?
37
00:01:27,418 --> 00:01:29,117
It's a holistic
hangover cure.
38
00:01:29,119 --> 00:01:31,553
Kale, wheatgrass,
three shots of tequila.
39
00:01:31,555 --> 00:01:32,754
Cheers.
40
00:01:34,424 --> 00:01:35,674
You know what? Screw it.
41
00:01:35,676 --> 00:01:37,092
I'm gonna stay drunk.
42
00:01:39,345 --> 00:01:40,562
(belches)
43
00:01:41,981 --> 00:01:43,465
Oh, yikes. Think I ate a little
44
00:01:43,467 --> 00:01:45,133
too much ginger last night.
45
00:01:45,135 --> 00:01:46,468
Oh, you had sushi for dinner?
46
00:01:48,321 --> 00:01:50,739
Yeah, let's go with that.
47
00:01:50,741 --> 00:01:52,274
It's crazy, isn't it?
48
00:01:52,276 --> 00:01:53,442
We finally get rid of Jake,
49
00:01:53,444 --> 00:01:54,826
and now we got another
one on our hands.
50
00:01:54,828 --> 00:01:55,861
Yeah, about that...
51
00:01:55,863 --> 00:01:58,513
What is the long-range
plan here?
52
00:01:58,515 --> 00:01:59,998
I don't know.
53
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,166
I always thought we'd spend
54
00:02:01,168 --> 00:02:02,668
our golden years together.
55
00:02:02,670 --> 00:02:04,703
Eventually, maybe sell
the beach house,
56
00:02:04,705 --> 00:02:06,121
move to the desert,
57
00:02:06,123 --> 00:02:08,340
spend our days toiling
in our cactus garden.
58
00:02:10,176 --> 00:02:12,127
Yeah, that sounds
swell, but...
59
00:02:12,129 --> 00:02:13,428
Go out to early
bird dinners
60
00:02:13,430 --> 00:02:15,163
wearing matching jumpsuits...
Okay.
61
00:02:15,165 --> 00:02:16,831
Look, I'm not gonna
wear a jump...
62
00:02:16,833 --> 00:02:18,250
All right.
You know what?
63
00:02:18,252 --> 00:02:20,168
Let's try this
another way.
64
00:02:20,170 --> 00:02:23,572
Uh, in your romantic
fantasy of our future,
65
00:02:23,574 --> 00:02:25,307
where is Jenny?
66
00:02:25,309 --> 00:02:26,942
She'll spend Christmas with us,
67
00:02:26,944 --> 00:02:28,727
but we're gonna
want our alone time.
68
00:02:28,729 --> 00:02:31,146
Okay, let's focus
on that word "alone."
69
00:02:31,148 --> 00:02:32,114
Mm-hmm.
70
00:02:32,116 --> 00:02:34,433
Having house guests
is the best.
71
00:02:34,435 --> 00:02:36,268
You know, you get
excited to see them,
72
00:02:36,270 --> 00:02:37,852
you put out
the fluffy towels,
73
00:02:37,854 --> 00:02:40,739
you hold your farts,
everything's nice...
74
00:02:40,741 --> 00:02:43,992
but, eventually,
you have to fart.
75
00:02:44,961 --> 00:02:45,961
Here's what you do.
76
00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:47,379
Uh, you go out on the deck,
77
00:02:47,381 --> 00:02:48,797
and pretend to look
at the ocean,
78
00:02:48,799 --> 00:02:50,248
wait for a big wave
79
00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:52,801
and when it breaks, so do you.
80
00:02:56,472 --> 00:02:58,006
Alan, I'm putting
in a home gym.
81
00:02:58,008 --> 00:02:59,707
And it's either going
in Jenny's room
82
00:02:59,709 --> 00:03:00,726
or Alan's room.
83
00:03:00,728 --> 00:03:01,710
It's your call.
84
00:03:01,712 --> 00:03:02,861
Bitch be gone.
85
00:03:03,696 --> 00:03:06,415
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
86
00:03:06,417 --> 00:03:09,239
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
87
00:03:09,264 --> 00:03:11,164
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x02 ♪
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
Original Air Date on October 3, 2013
88
00:03:11,165 --> 00:03:11,965
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
89
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♪ Men. ♪
90
00:03:13,736 --> 00:03:15,652
Here we go.
91
00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:18,405
An appletini a day
keeps the doctor away.
92
00:03:19,223 --> 00:03:20,207
Cute.
93
00:03:20,209 --> 00:03:21,925
And what keeps Alan away?
94
00:03:21,927 --> 00:03:23,560
You.
95
00:03:23,562 --> 00:03:25,078
Touché.
96
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,296
Why am I here?
97
00:03:26,298 --> 00:03:28,465
Oh, I just thought
we could get together.
98
00:03:28,467 --> 00:03:30,684
Maybe find out what's going on
in each other's lives.
99
00:03:30,686 --> 00:03:33,653
There's never anything going on
in your life, Alan.
100
00:03:33,655 --> 00:03:35,422
Okay, you start.
101
00:03:37,291 --> 00:03:38,291
All right, let's see...
102
00:03:38,293 --> 00:03:41,027
Well, my boyfriend
Marty has just moved in.
103
00:03:41,029 --> 00:03:41,978
Moved in?
104
00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:43,013
That's a little fast.
105
00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:44,464
He's 91 and a half.
106
00:03:44,466 --> 00:03:46,466
He doesn't do
anything fast.
107
00:03:46,468 --> 00:03:47,984
So you two sleep
in the same room?
108
00:03:47,986 --> 00:03:50,604
If you're trying to find out
if we have sex, yes, we do.
109
00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:52,806
Frequently and nastily.
110
00:03:52,808 --> 00:03:53,740
Good God!
111
00:03:53,742 --> 00:03:55,158
The man is in
a wheelchair.
112
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,077
How do you think
he got there?
113
00:03:58,012 --> 00:03:59,112
No, I was asking
114
00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,614
if your guest room
is available.
115
00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:02,883
Darling, I-I would love
116
00:04:02,885 --> 00:04:04,317
for you to come
stay with me,
117
00:04:04,319 --> 00:04:06,653
but with Marty there now,
it's-it's impossible.
118
00:04:06,655 --> 00:04:07,671
Oh, not me. Jenny.
119
00:04:07,673 --> 00:04:09,339
Oh, Jennifer can move in.
120
00:04:09,341 --> 00:04:10,540
Wait.
121
00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:12,492
Why can she move in
and not me?
122
00:04:12,494 --> 00:04:15,178
Darling, if you
were a child,
123
00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:16,646
this would be one
of those situations
124
00:04:16,648 --> 00:04:18,932
where I would give you
five dollars to shut up.
125
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:21,151
Well, I'm not
a kid anymore, Mom.
126
00:04:21,153 --> 00:04:22,552
How's $20 sound?
127
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,145
No, I want to have
this conversation.
128
00:04:24,170 --> 00:04:24,806
Forty.
129
00:04:24,807 --> 00:04:25,772
We're done.
Well...
130
00:04:25,774 --> 00:04:26,973
Mm-hmm.
131
00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:29,726
♪ Men. ♪
132
00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:32,362
All right,
I'm out of here.
133
00:04:32,364 --> 00:04:34,531
Don't be a stranger, Jenny.
134
00:04:34,533 --> 00:04:36,817
I me, I know
that you are one
135
00:04:36,819 --> 00:04:39,236
but that didn't stop me
136
00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:40,420
from letting you stay here.
137
00:04:40,422 --> 00:04:42,455
And that didn't stop me
138
00:04:42,457 --> 00:04:43,874
from throwing up in your...
139
00:04:43,876 --> 00:04:45,675
Ah, you know,
you'll figure it out.
140
00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:47,711
Um, h-have you
got everything?
141
00:04:47,713 --> 00:04:49,162
Yeah, I think so.
142
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,163
Oh, uh...
143
00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,248
There's a girl in my room,
144
00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:52,349
uh, Tara,
145
00:04:52,351 --> 00:04:53,783
Tanya...
146
00:04:53,785 --> 00:04:55,669
I don't really know
what the hell her name is.
147
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,003
It's tattooed right
above her ass.
148
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,222
Anyway, when she wakes up,
149
00:04:59,224 --> 00:05:00,674
will you give her
this for cab fare?
150
00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:02,125
And uh, uh...
151
00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:04,845
tell her I, "Mackenzie,"
152
00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,713
will call her
153
00:05:06,715 --> 00:05:09,399
if I get back
from the Congo.
154
00:05:10,535 --> 00:05:11,551
See you.
155
00:05:11,553 --> 00:05:12,853
Bye.
Take care.
156
00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:14,321
(door closes)
157
00:05:14,323 --> 00:05:15,522
Can you
believe that?
158
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:16,556
I know.
159
00:05:16,558 --> 00:05:19,693
A Harper left this house
voluntarily.
160
00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:23,363
And gave me money.
161
00:05:24,665 --> 00:05:26,783
♪ Men. ♪
162
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:29,336
(doorbell rings)
163
00:05:30,188 --> 00:05:31,521
Hi, Alan.
164
00:05:31,523 --> 00:05:32,589
Lyndsey.
165
00:05:32,591 --> 00:05:33,690
This is a surprise.
166
00:05:33,692 --> 00:05:35,125
I know; I-I'm sorry.
167
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:36,793
I just need to talk
to you in person.
168
00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,044
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Come on in.
169
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,262
Are we alone?
170
00:05:39,264 --> 00:05:41,848
WALDEN:
Never!
171
00:05:43,284 --> 00:05:45,218
Hi, Walden.
172
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,503
Can we talk in private?
173
00:05:46,505 --> 00:05:47,871
Oh, sure, let's go in my room.
174
00:05:47,873 --> 00:05:49,706
Oh, uh, hold on a second.
175
00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:05,805
Okay, we're all set.
176
00:06:05,807 --> 00:06:08,008
Aw, dude, come on!
177
00:06:09,944 --> 00:06:11,728
So what's up?
178
00:06:11,730 --> 00:06:13,496
Ow! Nipple!
179
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:14,598
(sighs)
180
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,583
I am so mad at you.
181
00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:17,617
Why?
182
00:06:17,619 --> 00:06:18,919
Because I-I'm with Larry now.
183
00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:20,887
He's smart, handsome,
successful...
184
00:06:20,889 --> 00:06:22,739
God, you have a type.
185
00:06:22,741 --> 00:06:24,307
No.
186
00:06:24,309 --> 00:06:26,429
When I'm with him, I can't stop
fantasizing about you.
187
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,513
Okay, I-I-I'm confused.
188
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:33,466
I'm getting a chubby,
but I'm confused.
189
00:06:33,468 --> 00:06:35,018
So you want to get
back together?
190
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,820
Oh, God, no.
191
00:06:36,822 --> 00:06:38,438
I just want
to have sex with you.
192
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,139
Why?
193
00:06:40,141 --> 00:06:42,141
And why am I asking?
194
00:06:42,143 --> 00:06:43,276
I don't know.
195
00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:45,311
I just know that I do.
196
00:06:45,313 --> 00:06:46,363
Of course.
197
00:06:46,365 --> 00:06:48,782
Forbidden fruit
is so much sweeter.
198
00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:52,702
Go on, pluck my
forbidden fruit.
199
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:55,672
Pop my cherry.
200
00:06:55,674 --> 00:06:58,157
Peel my banana.
201
00:06:58,159 --> 00:07:01,011
Squeeze my
fuzzy peaches.
202
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,214
In my fantasy...
Yeah?
203
00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:05,382
...you don't talk.
204
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:07,684
♪ Men. ♪
205
00:07:10,521 --> 00:07:12,188
Bye, Walden.
206
00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:13,306
Bye, Lyndsey.
207
00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:14,975
(door closes)
208
00:07:14,977 --> 00:07:15,942
(whoops)
209
00:07:15,944 --> 00:07:17,644
(chuckling)
210
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:20,897
Um, is it hot in here
or did I just have sex?
211
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:23,133
Did you guys get back together?
212
00:07:23,135 --> 00:07:24,367
Better.
213
00:07:24,369 --> 00:07:26,069
She wants nothing from me
214
00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,988
except the old Harper harpoon.
215
00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:30,323
Wha-bam!
216
00:07:32,860 --> 00:07:34,311
Know what I'm sayin'?
217
00:07:34,313 --> 00:07:36,362
How is it possible
218
00:07:36,364 --> 00:07:38,665
that you're having sex
and I'm not?
219
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:41,751
Well, apparently,
her perfect boyfriend Larry
220
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,303
has an Achilles heel...
221
00:07:43,305 --> 00:07:45,038
and it's on his penis.
222
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,574
Wha-bam!
223
00:07:50,978 --> 00:07:51,928
Um...
224
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,813
have you guys
seen Mackenzie?
225
00:07:53,815 --> 00:07:55,882
She went to Cabo.
Congo.
226
00:07:56,684 --> 00:07:58,735
She's not here.
She's dead.
227
00:07:59,820 --> 00:08:01,171
In the Congo.
228
00:08:02,473 --> 00:08:04,157
Sorry, Tanya.
229
00:08:04,159 --> 00:08:05,224
Tara.
230
00:08:06,644 --> 00:08:08,828
Alyssa.
231
00:08:09,914 --> 00:08:11,247
♪ Men. ♪
232
00:08:11,249 --> 00:08:12,365
So...
233
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,634
Evy tells me
you want to be an actress.
234
00:08:14,636 --> 00:08:16,736
I figured with my daddy issues,
235
00:08:16,738 --> 00:08:18,204
it was either that or stripping.
236
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:20,573
You've certainly got the rack
for either one.
237
00:08:20,575 --> 00:08:22,241
Bless your heart.
238
00:08:22,243 --> 00:08:24,511
My heart is in a landfill.
239
00:08:25,346 --> 00:08:26,763
This baby belonged to
240
00:08:26,765 --> 00:08:29,582
a drunken quarterback
from Alabama.
241
00:08:29,584 --> 00:08:31,334
Roll Tide!
242
00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:33,353
You know, Marty is
a television legend.
243
00:08:33,355 --> 00:08:35,088
He created
Here Comes Pleshkin.
244
00:08:35,090 --> 00:08:37,540
I love that show.
245
00:08:37,542 --> 00:08:39,025
Th-That was
a drinking game
246
00:08:39,027 --> 00:08:40,143
in college.
247
00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:41,895
Every time someone
would yell "Pleshkin!"
248
00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:44,114
I would take a shot.
249
00:08:44,116 --> 00:08:47,283
I had so much drunken sex
because of your show.
250
00:08:47,285 --> 00:08:48,935
It was a piece of crap,
251
00:08:48,937 --> 00:08:52,271
but it paid for my first six...
seven wives.
252
00:08:53,607 --> 00:08:54,707
And Pleshkin?
253
00:08:54,709 --> 00:08:56,126
Hermaphrodite.
254
00:08:56,128 --> 00:08:58,912
Once, he comes in
three hours late.
255
00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,164
I tell him
to go screw himself.
256
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:04,417
He says, "Why do you think
I'm three hours late?"
257
00:09:05,369 --> 00:09:07,170
That's a joke, sweetheart.
258
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:08,555
Feel free to laugh.
259
00:09:09,557 --> 00:09:11,290
Is this thing on?
260
00:09:11,292 --> 00:09:13,292
Roll Tide!
261
00:09:13,294 --> 00:09:15,311
Pleshkin!
262
00:09:15,313 --> 00:09:16,479
(laughs)
263
00:09:18,065 --> 00:09:19,816
I need another one.
Marty?
264
00:09:19,818 --> 00:09:20,817
Why not?
265
00:09:20,819 --> 00:09:22,468
I got my liver
from a narcoleptic
266
00:09:22,470 --> 00:09:24,304
Vietnamese rickshaw driver.
267
00:09:26,306 --> 00:09:28,641
Evy, that's the best gift
you have ever given me.
268
00:09:28,643 --> 00:09:29,642
What do you mean?
269
00:09:29,644 --> 00:09:31,027
You, me, Jenny,
270
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:33,196
a handful of little
blue pills...
271
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:36,683
It's like the Spring Break
of '43 all over again!
272
00:09:36,685 --> 00:09:39,552
Marty, she's my granddaughter.
273
00:09:39,554 --> 00:09:40,653
I know.
274
00:09:40,655 --> 00:09:44,157
I have had some of
the most decadent
275
00:09:44,159 --> 00:09:46,960
sexual encounters imaginable:
276
00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:48,962
mother/daughter, twins,
277
00:09:48,964 --> 00:09:51,464
triplets, Pleshkin.
278
00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:57,003
But never the elusive
grandmother/granddaughter combo.
279
00:09:57,005 --> 00:09:58,788
She's gay.
280
00:09:58,790 --> 00:10:00,340
It just keeps getting better.
281
00:10:00,342 --> 00:10:03,476
Sweetheart, while-while
I normally love
282
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:04,894
your unique brand of depravity,
283
00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:06,412
this is where
I draw the line.
284
00:10:06,414 --> 00:10:09,415
So when it's me
and the plumber, it's fine.
285
00:10:09,417 --> 00:10:11,451
You wanted that
as much as I did.
286
00:10:11,453 --> 00:10:13,987
I had my eye on his kidney.
287
00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,905
♪ Men. ♪
288
00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:17,657
(giggling) (chuckling):
This is so exciting.
289
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:18,908
Another man's bed,
290
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,359
another man's woman,
291
00:10:20,361 --> 00:10:22,045
another man's...
Home!
292
00:10:22,047 --> 00:10:23,830
I know,
it's so dirty.
293
00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:26,082
No, no, no, the garage
door just opened!
294
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:27,250
And here comes
the car.
295
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:28,534
Beep! Beep!
296
00:10:28,536 --> 00:10:30,420
No, Larry's home!
Get out!
297
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:32,672
What do I do?
What do I do? Uh...
298
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:33,673
Hide in the closet?
299
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:34,707
Uh... under the bed?
300
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:36,092
Ooh, I could put on
a wig and a dress
301
00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:37,494
and pretend I'm one
of your friends.
302
00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:39,879
Out the window!
303
00:10:39,881 --> 00:10:40,897
Right, good call.
304
00:10:40,899 --> 00:10:42,815
Whoa, we are up there.
305
00:10:42,817 --> 00:10:44,434
Oh, beautiful view.
Oh!
306
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:46,352
Hey, is that
the Hollywood sign...!
307
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,654
(thudding)
308
00:10:47,656 --> 00:10:49,906
♪ Men. ♪
309
00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:54,535
[]♪ Men. ♪
310
00:10:54,537 --> 00:10:56,270
What happened to you?
311
00:10:56,272 --> 00:10:57,905
Oh, these?
(chuckles)
312
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:01,091
I was with Lyndsey last night,
at her boyfriend's house,
313
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:02,443
and he came home early,
314
00:11:02,445 --> 00:11:04,845
and I had to jump out
the window.
315
00:11:04,847 --> 00:11:07,347
Alan Harper: Love Burglar.
316
00:11:07,349 --> 00:11:11,785
I like it better
than Alan Harper: Roommate.
317
00:11:11,787 --> 00:11:14,371
It's just so much fun to be
thought of as a piece of meat.
318
00:11:14,373 --> 00:11:16,690
She doesn't care about
what I think or what I say.
319
00:11:16,692 --> 00:11:18,475
I know how she feels.
320
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:20,177
Let me ask you something.
321
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:22,613
How would you like it
if you were the poor schmuck
322
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:23,914
being cheated on?
323
00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:25,682
I've always been
the poor schmuck.
324
00:11:25,684 --> 00:11:26,834
And how did it feel?
325
00:11:26,836 --> 00:11:28,435
Horrible.
326
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:31,038
Ha-ha, suck it, Larry!
327
00:11:32,974 --> 00:11:34,291
I know you're having fun, Alan,
328
00:11:34,293 --> 00:11:36,426
but sooner or later,
somebody's gonna get hurt.
329
00:11:36,428 --> 00:11:38,528
Oh, believe me,
someone got hurt last night.
330
00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:40,797
Boom, boom, boom!
331
00:11:40,799 --> 00:11:42,432
Know what I'm saying?
332
00:11:42,434 --> 00:11:45,052
Okay, from now on,
let's just assume that I know
333
00:11:45,054 --> 00:11:47,671
what you're saying
and I don't like it.
334
00:11:49,591 --> 00:11:52,042
♪ Men. ♪
335
00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:54,795
All right,
you are hair-free.
336
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:57,347
You missed a spot.
337
00:11:57,349 --> 00:11:59,549
You are a dirty old man.
338
00:11:59,551 --> 00:12:01,685
If I'm such a dirty old man,
339
00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:04,238
maybe it's time
for my sponge bath.
340
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,339
(chuckles)
341
00:12:05,341 --> 00:12:07,241
Paging Nurse Evelyn!
342
00:12:07,243 --> 00:12:10,227
Report to Marty's crotch
with a loofah!
343
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,496
(laughing)
344
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:13,563
You ready to go?
345
00:12:13,565 --> 00:12:15,065
I'll be right with you, dear.
346
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,416
Where are you going?
What about
347
00:12:16,418 --> 00:12:19,102
rubba-dub-dub,
Marty's in the tub?
348
00:12:19,104 --> 00:12:20,070
I'll be right back.
349
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,022
We're just going
to the spa.
350
00:12:22,024 --> 00:12:24,208
Yeah, Marty, you'll be happy.
When I she comes back,
351
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:25,792
she'll have less hair
than your ears.
352
00:12:25,794 --> 00:12:27,010
But this is date night.
353
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:28,512
I'll be back by 8:00.
354
00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:31,481
That's after Wheel.
I'll be asleep.
355
00:12:31,483 --> 00:12:33,800
I'll make it up
to you in the morning.
356
00:12:36,271 --> 00:12:37,938
I'm 91-and-a-half!
357
00:12:37,940 --> 00:12:40,757
I can't plan that far ahead!
358
00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:42,309
♪ Men. ♪
359
00:12:42,311 --> 00:12:43,694
That was amazing.
360
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:45,229
It was.
361
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:46,547
You seen my underwear?
362
00:12:46,549 --> 00:12:47,764
Do you mean...
363
00:12:47,766 --> 00:12:49,950
these?
364
00:12:51,703 --> 00:12:53,770
You know what? Keep 'em.
365
00:12:53,772 --> 00:12:55,872
Ooh, thank you.
366
00:12:55,874 --> 00:12:57,040
Where you going?
367
00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:59,293
What do you mean? Home.
We're done.
368
00:12:59,295 --> 00:13:01,545
So it's just wham, bam,
thank you...
369
00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:03,947
incredibly powerful,
yet sensitive lover man?
370
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:06,967
Aw, don't get my panties
in a bunch.
371
00:13:06,969 --> 00:13:09,119
I'm serious. We never talk.
372
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:10,804
Because we're not dating.
373
00:13:10,806 --> 00:13:12,539
I thought you were okay
with this.
374
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:14,758
I am. That doesn't mean
we can't take an interest
375
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,226
in each others' lives.
376
00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:19,029
For example, did you know
Charlie had a daughter?
377
00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:20,264
Really?
Yeah!
378
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:21,464
That's great!
379
00:13:21,466 --> 00:13:22,933
You can talk to her.
380
00:13:24,435 --> 00:13:26,970
Fine. Whatever.
381
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:28,355
Oh, for the love of God!
382
00:13:28,357 --> 00:13:29,706
What do you want from me?
383
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:31,474
Well, if you must know,
384
00:13:31,476 --> 00:13:33,143
she's coming over for dinner
tomorrow night,
385
00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:35,512
and I just thought that
maybe you'd like to join us.
386
00:13:35,514 --> 00:13:37,180
Dinner? Seriously?
387
00:13:37,182 --> 00:13:38,615
Forget I mentioned it.
388
00:13:38,617 --> 00:13:41,118
Okay, look,
I'll see what I can do.
389
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:41,668
Really?
390
00:13:41,670 --> 00:13:42,836
I'll try.
391
00:13:42,838 --> 00:13:44,204
Oh, thank you.
392
00:13:44,206 --> 00:13:46,173
You've made me so happy.
393
00:13:46,175 --> 00:13:47,791
Great. See ya.
394
00:13:49,227 --> 00:13:50,294
(sighs)
395
00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:53,046
I should've just bought
a damn vibrator.
396
00:13:53,048 --> 00:13:55,849
♪ Men. ♪
397
00:13:55,851 --> 00:13:57,884
Here ya go, Marty.
398
00:13:57,886 --> 00:13:59,269
Just the way
you like it--
399
00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:01,438
scotch and Metamucil.
400
00:14:03,274 --> 00:14:05,442
Why aren't we eating?
401
00:14:05,444 --> 00:14:07,010
It's almost 6:00.
402
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,645
Where are we, France?
403
00:14:08,647 --> 00:14:11,064
We're waiting for
Alan's girlfriend.
404
00:14:11,949 --> 00:14:14,618
I thought he was
Alan's girlfriend?
405
00:14:19,207 --> 00:14:20,791
No. I own the house.
406
00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:23,710
It's actually a funny story.
I was on the beach and I went...
407
00:14:23,712 --> 00:14:25,579
Don't care.
408
00:14:27,265 --> 00:14:29,182
Marty, don't be rude.
409
00:14:29,184 --> 00:14:31,335
I'm sorry. Low blood sugar.
410
00:14:31,337 --> 00:14:33,420
Plus, I really don't care.
411
00:14:35,173 --> 00:14:36,289
Unbelievable.
412
00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:38,525
Lyndsey's
not answering any of my calls
413
00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:40,160
and she hasn't returned
any of my texts.
414
00:14:40,162 --> 00:14:41,578
I told you
you were gonna get hurt.
415
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:43,930
(mocking): I told you you were
gonna get hurt.
416
00:14:43,932 --> 00:14:45,482
You know what?
417
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:46,917
I'm gonna go get her.
418
00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:48,518
And don't try to stop me.
419
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,037
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
420
00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:51,571
No problem.
421
00:14:51,573 --> 00:14:55,909
Now that buzzkill is gone...
422
00:14:55,911 --> 00:14:58,561
anyone want to get high?
423
00:14:58,563 --> 00:15:00,947
Roll joint!
424
00:15:00,949 --> 00:15:02,833
♪ Men. ♪
425
00:15:05,069 --> 00:15:06,353
You think Alan's
gonna mind
426
00:15:06,355 --> 00:15:07,554
that we started
without him?
427
00:15:07,556 --> 00:15:08,538
Who's Alan?
428
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:09,539
(Berta laughs)
429
00:15:09,541 --> 00:15:11,741
You know...
430
00:15:11,743 --> 00:15:15,712
I think I banged Lucille Ball
in this house.
431
00:15:16,747 --> 00:15:19,216
She was
my second-favorite redhead.
432
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:21,868
Thank you.
(chuckles)
433
00:15:21,870 --> 00:15:23,687
Wait a second.
434
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:25,105
It's night.
435
00:15:25,107 --> 00:15:27,641
Why am I still here?
436
00:15:27,643 --> 00:15:30,310
I'll see you tomorrow.
437
00:15:30,312 --> 00:15:31,928
Are you okay to drive?
438
00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:33,080
I'm fine.
439
00:15:33,082 --> 00:15:34,948
Well, let me know
when you get home.
440
00:15:35,783 --> 00:15:38,085
I'm home.
441
00:15:38,087 --> 00:15:39,453
(chuckles)
442
00:15:39,455 --> 00:15:41,455
Your father would've loved
this night.
443
00:15:41,457 --> 00:15:43,924
We're all drunk, we're all high,
and Alan's not here.
444
00:15:43,926 --> 00:15:45,909
Wait-- who's Alan?
445
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:48,128
You know what
we should do tomorrow?
446
00:15:48,130 --> 00:15:49,830
Go to the Malibu
Police Station.
447
00:15:49,832 --> 00:15:52,416
They took more pictures
of your dad than I did.
448
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:54,568
Again?
449
00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:57,471
I want to stay home
and play naked Jeopardy.
450
00:15:57,473 --> 00:15:59,673
I want to spend time
with my daughter.
451
00:15:59,675 --> 00:16:00,674
Granddaughter.
452
00:16:00,676 --> 00:16:03,126
Oh, please,
nobody's buying that.
453
00:16:04,262 --> 00:16:07,797
I am going
into the living room, Evelyn.
454
00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:09,399
I suggest you push me there.
455
00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:11,551
We need to talk.
456
00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:12,903
Be back in a minute.
457
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,171
There's a 50-50 chance
458
00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:16,106
he won't remember
what he wants.
459
00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:17,774
If you're gonna talk about me,
460
00:16:17,776 --> 00:16:20,643
you shouldn't shave
my ears first.
461
00:16:22,697 --> 00:16:24,131
He's great.
462
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:27,250
Wonder what it's like
to be 91.
463
00:16:27,252 --> 00:16:30,237
I imagine that you're wet in the
places you used to be dry
464
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:32,806
and dry in the places
you used to be wet.
465
00:16:34,091 --> 00:16:36,059
What's wrong?
466
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:39,429
Your granddaughter is coming
between us...
467
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:41,731
and not in the good way.
468
00:16:41,733 --> 00:16:45,335
Look, Marty, she just came
into my life.
469
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:46,836
And believe it or not,
470
00:16:46,838 --> 00:16:51,124
I wasn't always the best mom
to Charlie or-or the other one.
471
00:16:51,126 --> 00:16:53,393
Jennifer is my second chance.
472
00:16:53,395 --> 00:16:55,195
You got to make a choice.
473
00:16:55,197 --> 00:16:57,564
It's me or the kid.
474
00:16:57,566 --> 00:17:01,368
I love you, Marty, but I have
to pick my granddaughter.
475
00:17:01,370 --> 00:17:05,688
You know, I have $400 million.
476
00:17:05,690 --> 00:17:08,758
I'm not saying it isn't close.
477
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,911
It's over.
478
00:17:11,695 --> 00:17:16,550
(chuckles)
Okay, I'm bluffing.
479
00:17:16,552 --> 00:17:18,051
I really miss you.
480
00:17:18,053 --> 00:17:21,605
I miss you too, money... honey.
481
00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:24,958
Maybe I can
make it up to you.
482
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:29,830
If you can make it down to me,
you can make it up to me.
483
00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:36,636
Something tells me that
Marty doesn't want me around.
484
00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:40,040
What?! I can't imagine anyone
not wanting you around.
485
00:17:40,042 --> 00:17:42,058
Really? Because
I'm pretty sure
486
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:44,110
I'm staying at my grandmother's
487
00:17:44,112 --> 00:17:45,879
because you don't want me
around.
488
00:17:45,881 --> 00:17:48,731
No...!
489
00:17:48,733 --> 00:17:49,950
Maybe...
490
00:17:49,952 --> 00:17:52,085
Yes...
491
00:17:54,238 --> 00:17:55,572
I get it.
492
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,224
You already have Alan.
493
00:17:57,226 --> 00:17:58,792
I do.
494
00:17:58,794 --> 00:18:01,811
Hey, do you think I'd look
good in a jumpsuit?
495
00:18:01,813 --> 00:18:03,864
You'd look good in anything.
496
00:18:03,866 --> 00:18:05,081
That's 'cause I'm good-looking.
497
00:18:05,083 --> 00:18:06,583
I pretend like I don't know.
498
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:07,968
Shh.
499
00:18:07,970 --> 00:18:12,539
Seriously, if you want privacy,
then why do you have a roommate?
500
00:18:12,541 --> 00:18:15,091
Oh, you know, Alan's
way more than a roommate.
501
00:18:15,093 --> 00:18:17,427
He's my best friend.
502
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:22,148
He was there for me
when I was all alone.
503
00:18:23,017 --> 00:18:25,335
He even took me
into my own house.
504
00:18:25,337 --> 00:18:29,072
You know, him and-and
his stoner son
505
00:18:29,074 --> 00:18:33,043
and his horny mom
and your dead dad.
506
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,061
I mean, they've really
become my family.
507
00:18:35,063 --> 00:18:37,180
Mine, too.
508
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:41,585
I guess that means you're
becoming part of my family.
509
00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:45,005
Aw...!
510
00:18:45,007 --> 00:18:48,642
I'm the most masculine
person in this house.
511
00:18:48,644 --> 00:18:50,594
(both laughing)
512
00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:51,962
I like you, Jenny.
513
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,347
I like you, Walden.
514
00:18:54,349 --> 00:18:57,817
If you were a chick,
I would totally do you.
515
00:18:57,819 --> 00:19:00,937
Aw! You, too!
516
00:19:01,973 --> 00:19:05,525
Hey, you're welcome
to crash here any time
517
00:19:05,527 --> 00:19:09,029
you need a break
from Evelyn and...
518
00:19:09,031 --> 00:19:12,315
91-and-a-half shades of gray.
519
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:13,800
Seriously?
520
00:19:13,802 --> 00:19:15,085
Yeah.
521
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:17,787
You know, I was thinking about
putting in a home gym,
522
00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:19,706
but big deal.
523
00:19:19,708 --> 00:19:21,908
I'd rather have
a Jenny than a gym.
524
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:24,294
You and me both.
525
00:19:24,296 --> 00:19:25,812
(both laugh)
526
00:19:25,814 --> 00:19:27,063
I get it.
527
00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:30,550
'Cause Jim and gym
are homonyms
528
00:19:30,552 --> 00:19:32,886
and you're a "hamma-sexual""
529
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,725
It's awfully quiet in there.
Did they leave?
530
00:19:38,727 --> 00:19:41,478
I don't know.
Let me go look.
531
00:19:44,899 --> 00:19:47,067
I shouldn't have looked.
532
00:19:48,536 --> 00:19:50,971
♪ Men. ♪
(doorbell rings)
533
00:19:50,973 --> 00:19:54,407
No matter what she says,
do not cry.
534
00:19:54,409 --> 00:19:55,992
You're the prize here.
535
00:19:57,161 --> 00:19:59,329
(hushed):
Alan, what are you doing here?
536
00:19:59,331 --> 00:20:00,497
What are you doing here?
You're supposed
537
00:20:00,499 --> 00:20:01,698
to be at my house
for dinner.
538
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,016
I said I would try.
539
00:20:03,018 --> 00:20:04,718
And I said I wouldn't cry.
540
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,303
And I guess
we're both liars now.
541
00:20:07,305 --> 00:20:09,990
Would you keep it down?
Larry's here.
542
00:20:09,992 --> 00:20:12,592
What? You don't want him
to hear your whore?
543
00:20:13,678 --> 00:20:18,047
'Cause that's all I am
to you-- your whore!
544
00:20:18,049 --> 00:20:20,734
We agreed
this was just about sex.
545
00:20:20,736 --> 00:20:22,085
Well, forgive me
for falling in love.
546
00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:24,621
Alan, if you don't leave
right now,
547
00:20:24,623 --> 00:20:27,223
you're never gonna see
this again.
548
00:20:28,225 --> 00:20:29,409
Call at your convenience.
549
00:20:29,411 --> 00:20:31,528
♪ Men. ♪
550
00:20:34,549 --> 00:20:35,983
[]♪ Men. ♪
(doorbell rings)
551
00:20:37,085 --> 00:20:38,970
I'll get that.
It's probably Lyndsey looking
552
00:20:38,972 --> 00:20:41,222
for a little morning wood
to start her fire.
553
00:20:41,224 --> 00:20:42,623
Know what I'm saying?
554
00:20:42,625 --> 00:20:44,342
I know what you're saying,
555
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:47,578
I just don't know why
you're saying it.
556
00:20:48,931 --> 00:20:50,264
Uh, hello?
557
00:20:50,266 --> 00:20:51,899
Mackenzie, you lying bitch!
558
00:20:51,901 --> 00:20:53,200
Uh-oh.
Congo, my ass!
559
00:20:53,202 --> 00:20:55,636
Don't run!
You don't want to run!
560
00:20:59,474 --> 00:21:01,425
Yeah, it feels like home again.
561
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:06,427
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man