1
00:00:04,093 --> 00:00:05,093
Hey.
2
00:00:05,095 --> 00:00:06,144
Hey.
3
00:00:06,146 --> 00:00:07,562
What you working on?
4
00:00:07,564 --> 00:00:09,314
Anything interesting?
5
00:00:09,316 --> 00:00:10,815
Yeah, actually.
6
00:00:10,817 --> 00:00:12,267
I'm-I'm building a new algorithm
7
00:00:12,269 --> 00:00:13,268
that weights search results...
8
00:00:13,270 --> 00:00:15,253
I'm gonna get laid.
9
00:00:15,255 --> 00:00:18,473
Congratulations.
Which hand are you going to use?
10
00:00:18,475 --> 00:00:21,442
That's, uh... that's funny.
11
00:00:21,444 --> 00:00:23,477
Because, um, you know,
if someone were to look
12
00:00:23,479 --> 00:00:25,107
at the two of us,
they'd probably think
13
00:00:25,132 --> 00:00:27,117
I'd be the one sitting home,
on a Friday night
14
00:00:27,142 --> 00:00:29,294
babbling on about
some geek nonsense,
15
00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:31,046
and you'd be the one
going out to,
16
00:00:31,048 --> 00:00:33,698
you know, get laid.
17
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:36,751
Who's the "lucky lady"?
18
00:00:36,753 --> 00:00:37,836
Lyndsey is the lucky...
19
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:39,254
getting "laid-y."
20
00:00:39,256 --> 00:00:42,107
Doesn't it bother you
that after she's with you,
21
00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:44,059
she goes home
to her more handsome,
22
00:00:44,061 --> 00:00:45,360
successful boyfriend?
23
00:00:45,362 --> 00:00:47,229
Why? I do the same thing.
24
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:53,385
How did Lyndsey end up with him?
25
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,904
Well, how did I end up with him?
26
00:00:55,906 --> 00:00:57,939
Hey, Walden.
27
00:00:57,941 --> 00:00:59,090
Hey.
28
00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:01,793
Michaela, Heidi,
Sarah, this is Walden.
29
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,895
He's super hot, super rich
and super single.
30
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:07,082
These are my friends,
and we are all super high.
31
00:01:07,084 --> 00:01:08,917
Nice to meet you.
32
00:01:08,919 --> 00:01:10,368
Hi.
Nice house.
33
00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:13,404
(laughing):
I am so wasted.
34
00:01:14,373 --> 00:01:15,724
What are you guys doing tonight?
35
00:01:15,726 --> 00:01:17,375
Oh, we're gonna play poker.
36
00:01:17,377 --> 00:01:18,560
You want to join?
37
00:01:18,562 --> 00:01:20,128
Yeah, come play with us!
38
00:01:20,130 --> 00:01:23,298
It'll be fun.
I am so wasted.
39
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:26,534
You know what, I-I actually
have a lot of work to do,
40
00:01:26,536 --> 00:01:28,303
and need to get
to bed early, but...
41
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:29,921
you guys have fun.
42
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,941
(gasps) We should
play strip poker.
43
00:01:32,943 --> 00:01:34,042
Yes.
44
00:01:34,044 --> 00:01:36,261
All right, ante up.
45
00:01:37,780 --> 00:01:41,031
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
46
00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:43,076
♪ Ah.
Men. ♪
47
00:01:43,101 --> 00:01:44,601
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x04 ♪
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
Original Air Date on October 17, 2013
48
00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,426
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*
49
00:01:46,527 --> 00:01:48,527
♪ Men. ♪
50
00:01:47,814 --> 00:01:49,115
Hey.
51
00:01:49,117 --> 00:01:51,000
All right,
let's get it over with.
52
00:01:51,002 --> 00:01:54,854
Tell me all the disturbing
details of how you "got laid."
53
00:01:54,856 --> 00:01:56,706
She never showed.
54
00:01:56,708 --> 00:01:59,275
She couldn't get away from
Larry, so I spent half the night
55
00:01:59,277 --> 00:02:02,178
waiting for her
in the parking lot of an ampm.
56
00:02:04,064 --> 00:02:06,432
Wow, I'm actually enjoying
one of your stories.
57
00:02:06,434 --> 00:02:08,017
Please, continue.
58
00:02:08,019 --> 00:02:10,269
But on the plus side,
59
00:02:10,271 --> 00:02:12,772
at 12:01, all the donuts
became half price.
60
00:02:12,774 --> 00:02:15,508
By 12:19, I-I had made friends
with the guy
61
00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:18,244
who lives
in the men's room, Raul.
62
00:02:18,246 --> 00:02:19,728
Is he looking for a roommate?
63
00:02:20,981 --> 00:02:23,165
You laugh, but he actually
turned the changing table
64
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:24,984
into a Murphy bed.
65
00:02:24,986 --> 00:02:27,620
I'm sorry,
but if I remember correctly,
66
00:02:27,622 --> 00:02:29,121
last night, you were pretty sure
67
00:02:29,123 --> 00:02:31,557
that you were going
to "get laid."
68
00:02:32,743 --> 00:02:35,211
But, in fact,
you didn't "get laid."
69
00:02:35,213 --> 00:02:36,411
Are you done?
70
00:02:36,413 --> 00:02:38,798
Are you done not "getting laid"?
71
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,049
(sighs)
72
00:02:40,051 --> 00:02:41,567
Seriously,
why are you doing this?
73
00:02:41,569 --> 00:02:43,068
Because I get
to have sex with Lyndsey.
74
00:02:43,070 --> 00:02:44,770
But you didn't have sex.
75
00:02:44,772 --> 00:02:46,572
You ended up shame-eating
stale donuts
76
00:02:46,574 --> 00:02:49,658
and talking to a homeless guy
in a men's room.
77
00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:52,561
They were not stale,
and Raul has a name.
78
00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:54,463
You can't let Lyndsey
treat you like this.
79
00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:55,597
You deserve better.
80
00:02:55,599 --> 00:02:59,018
I know.
Raul said the same thing.
81
00:02:59,020 --> 00:03:01,303
Well, I had a great night
last night.
82
00:03:01,305 --> 00:03:02,872
I ended up playing strip poker
83
00:03:02,874 --> 00:03:04,707
with four incredibly
beautiful women.
84
00:03:04,709 --> 00:03:06,625
Oh, yeah,
I've been on that site.
85
00:03:06,627 --> 00:03:08,911
No, it was Jenny
and her friends.
86
00:03:08,913 --> 00:03:11,113
What a sec, is that
the charge on my card
87
00:03:11,115 --> 00:03:13,632
for TexasSqueezeEm.com?
88
00:03:16,269 --> 00:03:18,571
Wait, you played strip poker
with my niece?
89
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,623
She was the dealer.
90
00:03:20,625 --> 00:03:22,725
But she did flop a great pair.
91
00:03:22,727 --> 00:03:24,927
Walden, Jenny is family.
92
00:03:24,929 --> 00:03:26,128
If you cross that line,
93
00:03:26,130 --> 00:03:27,897
I am not gonna be
your friend anymore.
94
00:03:27,899 --> 00:03:29,298
I mean, I'm still
gonna live here,
95
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:30,983
but I'm not gonna be
your friend anymore.
96
00:03:30,985 --> 00:03:32,818
Relax, it was harmless fun.
97
00:03:32,820 --> 00:03:33,986
JENNY:
Hey!
98
00:03:33,988 --> 00:03:36,605
Look who's got his clothes on.
Uh...
99
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:38,290
I had clothes on last night.
100
00:03:38,292 --> 00:03:39,808
Yeah, you were wearing a sock.
101
00:03:39,810 --> 00:03:41,643
And not on your foot.
102
00:03:42,462 --> 00:03:43,913
It looked like Santa filled
103
00:03:43,915 --> 00:03:46,815
a stocking
at Elton John's house.
104
00:03:46,817 --> 00:03:48,083
"Harmless fun"?
105
00:03:48,085 --> 00:03:51,036
No, she did not see
Bennie or the Jets.
106
00:03:52,606 --> 00:03:54,473
Hey, we're gonna
hang out again tonight
107
00:03:54,475 --> 00:03:56,509
if you want to join us.
Yeah, sure.
108
00:03:56,511 --> 00:03:57,960
Cool. I'll see you at 11:00.
109
00:03:57,962 --> 00:03:58,944
What, 11:00?
110
00:03:58,946 --> 00:04:00,379
What is it, New Year's Eve?
111
00:04:00,381 --> 00:04:01,680
(laughs)
112
00:04:01,682 --> 00:04:03,432
Bring your sock.
113
00:04:04,501 --> 00:04:06,836
You're not really going out
with them, are you?
114
00:04:06,838 --> 00:04:08,838
Is this about Jenny?
Will you stop it?
115
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:12,107
I'm not the creepy guy who wants
to sleep with your niece.
116
00:04:12,109 --> 00:04:13,859
I'm the creepy guy
who wants to sleep
117
00:04:13,861 --> 00:04:15,477
with your niece's friends.
118
00:04:15,479 --> 00:04:17,229
And don't you think
that's a little sad?
119
00:04:17,231 --> 00:04:19,315
I mean, a 35-year-old man
hanging out with a bunch
120
00:04:19,317 --> 00:04:21,951
of hot young girls who just want
to drink, party, get naked...
121
00:04:21,953 --> 00:04:23,652
and anything I say
after this point
122
00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:25,404
doesn't really matter, does it?
123
00:04:25,406 --> 00:04:26,438
It doesn't.
124
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,856
I've never had this in my life.
125
00:04:27,858 --> 00:04:30,626
Wh-When I was her age, I'd
already dropped out of M.I.T.,
126
00:04:30,628 --> 00:04:32,728
gotten married
and started my own business.
127
00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:35,214
I was delivering pizza,
going to junior college
128
00:04:35,216 --> 00:04:36,749
and dating a melon.
129
00:04:36,751 --> 00:04:39,718
Oh, God!
130
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,137
I called her my little honeydew.
131
00:04:47,260 --> 00:04:48,294
Walden?
132
00:04:48,296 --> 00:04:49,261
I'm up. Let's party.
133
00:04:49,263 --> 00:04:51,030
Jagerbombs,
bottle service.
134
00:04:52,332 --> 00:04:54,667
What's going on? I thought you
were going out with the girls.
135
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:57,269
I am, but not until 11:00.
136
00:04:57,271 --> 00:05:00,272
What is it... 9:00?
137
00:05:00,274 --> 00:05:02,074
How can I be so sleepy?
138
00:05:02,076 --> 00:05:04,726
I've already had two naps
and three Red Bulls.
139
00:05:04,728 --> 00:05:07,296
Uh, my brother Charlie had a
great trick for staying awake.
140
00:05:07,298 --> 00:05:09,431
Two hookers and an eight ball.
141
00:05:09,433 --> 00:05:11,267
I'll pass.
142
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,418
What's with the bag?
143
00:05:12,420 --> 00:05:15,421
Oh, my God,
are you moving in with Raul?
144
00:05:16,673 --> 00:05:19,074
No, Lyndsey felt guilty
about last night
145
00:05:19,076 --> 00:05:20,509
and Larry is on a business trip,
146
00:05:20,511 --> 00:05:22,628
so she is treating me
to a romantic rendezvous
147
00:05:22,630 --> 00:05:25,230
at a four-star hotel
at the beach.
148
00:05:25,232 --> 00:05:26,382
Oh, come on, man.
149
00:05:26,384 --> 00:05:28,217
She's treating you
like a piece of meat.
150
00:05:28,219 --> 00:05:30,352
I know, it's great.
151
00:05:30,354 --> 00:05:33,355
Plus, I have already masturbated
so I can hit the sweet spot
152
00:05:33,357 --> 00:05:36,809
between "you're done already?"
and "enough already."
153
00:05:36,811 --> 00:05:38,978
Enough already.
154
00:05:38,980 --> 00:05:40,379
Don't worry, I'll talk to her.
155
00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:41,647
Okay, well, good luck.
156
00:05:41,649 --> 00:05:43,265
And give Lyndsey my best.
157
00:05:43,267 --> 00:05:45,317
Sure, right after
I give her my best.
158
00:05:45,319 --> 00:05:47,369
Boo-ya!
159
00:05:50,773 --> 00:05:52,241
Hi.
160
00:05:52,243 --> 00:05:55,227
Oh, so you did decide
to show up tonight.
161
00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:57,612
I know. Sorry I'm late.
162
00:05:57,614 --> 00:05:58,664
It's fine.
163
00:05:58,666 --> 00:06:01,800
You just turned happy hour
into miffed hour.
164
00:06:01,802 --> 00:06:04,753
And four-dollar pot stickers
into eight-dollar pot stickers.
165
00:06:04,755 --> 00:06:07,456
Well, the important
thing is I'm here now,
166
00:06:07,458 --> 00:06:09,008
and you look really
nice tonight.
167
00:06:09,010 --> 00:06:10,809
Did you do something
different with your hair?
168
00:06:10,811 --> 00:06:12,094
You don't have to flatter me.
169
00:06:12,096 --> 00:06:14,396
You know I'm gonna give it up.
170
00:06:14,398 --> 00:06:16,432
But we do need to talk.
171
00:06:16,434 --> 00:06:18,484
I said I was sorry.
172
00:06:18,486 --> 00:06:20,102
It's not just that;
it's everything.
173
00:06:20,104 --> 00:06:21,437
It's the...
it's the sneaking around,
174
00:06:21,439 --> 00:06:24,356
it's the curt texts,
it's the going Dutch.
175
00:06:24,358 --> 00:06:26,825
Alan, you know this
is complicated.
176
00:06:26,827 --> 00:06:28,127
I have a boyfriend.
177
00:06:28,129 --> 00:06:29,311
Yes, and I have feelings.
178
00:06:29,313 --> 00:06:31,113
And I am feeling disrespected.
179
00:06:31,115 --> 00:06:34,149
I hear you, and
I will work harder
180
00:06:34,151 --> 00:06:36,335
to make sure that you don't
feel taken for granted.
181
00:06:36,337 --> 00:06:37,703
Thank you.
182
00:06:37,705 --> 00:06:40,489
Now, why don't we
go up to our room
183
00:06:40,491 --> 00:06:42,875
and respectfully
disrespect each other?
184
00:06:42,877 --> 00:06:44,810
Ooh, someone wants a spanking.
185
00:06:44,812 --> 00:06:46,295
I know.
186
00:06:46,297 --> 00:06:47,813
Can it be me this time?
187
00:06:47,815 --> 00:06:50,049
Oh, yeah, we can play
naughty school girl
188
00:06:50,051 --> 00:06:51,884
and no-nonsense math teacher.
189
00:06:51,886 --> 00:06:52,968
Oh, no.
190
00:06:52,970 --> 00:06:56,488
Oh, yes, 138 divided
by two is 69.
191
00:06:56,490 --> 00:06:58,173
No.
192
00:06:58,175 --> 00:06:59,174
It's Stephanie Chapman.
193
00:06:59,176 --> 00:07:00,509
Shh. Maybe she
won't see us.
194
00:07:00,511 --> 00:07:02,361
Lyndsey, Alan!
195
00:07:02,363 --> 00:07:04,446
Stephanie, hi.
196
00:07:04,448 --> 00:07:06,665
Oh, wow, uh, l-look at you,
you look great.
197
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:10,285
I should. I got the Lap-Band,
and I dropped 172 pounds.
198
00:07:10,287 --> 00:07:11,520
Oh.
Good for you.
199
00:07:11,522 --> 00:07:13,038
Hold your applause till the end.
200
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:14,239
This is the end.
201
00:07:15,525 --> 00:07:16,691
So, what are you two doing here?
202
00:07:16,693 --> 00:07:17,743
Oh, well...
There...
203
00:07:17,745 --> 00:07:18,994
Are you guys back together?
204
00:07:18,996 --> 00:07:20,446
No, no, we're just...
Did you split up with Larry?
205
00:07:20,448 --> 00:07:22,181
No, Alan and I are
just friends and...
206
00:07:22,183 --> 00:07:23,332
Wine, hotel?
207
00:07:23,334 --> 00:07:26,185
(singsongy):
I smell a hookup.
208
00:07:26,187 --> 00:07:29,004
Oh, we are... we are
definitely not together.
209
00:07:29,006 --> 00:07:31,673
Wh-What you smell are
eight-dollar pot stickers.
210
00:07:32,809 --> 00:07:34,126
So, wh-what brings you here?
211
00:07:34,128 --> 00:07:37,429
Uh, there is a singles' mixer,
and this former fatty
212
00:07:37,431 --> 00:07:39,798
is looking for a sugar daddy.
213
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,950
Make sure he's
a-a sugar-free daddy.
214
00:07:41,952 --> 00:07:43,218
(giggles)
215
00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:45,904
You are adorable.
I could just eat you up.
216
00:07:45,906 --> 00:07:48,640
I don't know, I'd probably
just taste like chicken.
217
00:07:48,642 --> 00:07:52,727
Mmm, I'll bring the biscuits
and you bring the gravy.
218
00:07:54,864 --> 00:07:57,950
Okay, I'm gonna leave
you two "friends" alone.
219
00:07:57,952 --> 00:08:00,902
Hashtag "suspicious."
220
00:08:00,904 --> 00:08:02,287
Great seeing you.
221
00:08:02,289 --> 00:08:03,405
You, too.
Oh, take care.
222
00:08:03,407 --> 00:08:04,490
I know you're gonna hate
223
00:08:04,492 --> 00:08:06,291
to see me go,
but you're gonna love
224
00:08:06,293 --> 00:08:08,710
watching me walk away.
225
00:08:08,712 --> 00:08:10,712
Oh, God.
226
00:08:10,714 --> 00:08:12,564
She is the most annoying woman
on the planet.
227
00:08:12,566 --> 00:08:14,183
Yeah, she is horrible.
228
00:08:14,185 --> 00:08:15,601
You have to go
out with her.
229
00:08:15,603 --> 00:08:16,685
Hmm? What?
230
00:08:16,687 --> 00:08:17,636
She totally suspects
231
00:08:17,638 --> 00:08:18,887
we're having an affair.
232
00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:20,472
The only way to convince
her we're not a couple
233
00:08:20,474 --> 00:08:21,640
is for you to ask her out.
234
00:08:21,642 --> 00:08:22,891
No.
235
00:08:22,893 --> 00:08:23,892
Forget her stomach.
236
00:08:23,894 --> 00:08:26,078
They should've stapled
her mouth shut.
237
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,262
That's exactly the problem.
238
00:08:27,264 --> 00:08:28,447
She'll tell Larry.
239
00:08:28,449 --> 00:08:30,816
Oh-oh, no, no, there-there has
to be an easier way.
240
00:08:30,818 --> 00:08:31,950
Can't I just kill her?
241
00:08:31,952 --> 00:08:34,570
It'd be a much smaller grave
to dig now.
242
00:08:34,572 --> 00:08:37,272
I'm serious, if you ever want
to have sex with me again,
243
00:08:37,274 --> 00:08:38,507
you will ask her out.
244
00:08:38,509 --> 00:08:40,159
Oh, fine, fine,
I'll-I'll ask her out.
245
00:08:40,161 --> 00:08:41,326
Now let's go upstairs.
246
00:08:41,328 --> 00:08:42,777
Oh, it's not gonna happen.
247
00:08:42,779 --> 00:08:43,778
She's right over there.
248
00:08:43,780 --> 00:08:44,763
I'm going home.
249
00:08:44,765 --> 00:08:46,131
But-but I thought
we were gonna...
250
00:08:46,133 --> 00:08:47,966
Good-bye.
251
00:08:48,885 --> 00:08:51,003
(huffs)
252
00:09:03,550 --> 00:09:06,485
(laughter, clamoring)
253
00:09:06,487 --> 00:09:09,788
Wow, this is a beautiful house!
254
00:09:09,790 --> 00:09:11,190
Who lives here?
255
00:09:11,192 --> 00:09:12,658
You do.
256
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:14,893
Whoa, I must be rich!
257
00:09:14,895 --> 00:09:16,445
You are.
258
00:09:16,447 --> 00:09:17,629
Oh, yeah!
259
00:09:17,631 --> 00:09:19,832
Whoa, my fingers are glowing!
260
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:23,585
I'm so rich I have
rainbow fingers!
261
00:09:23,587 --> 00:09:25,537
Hey, let's get some music going.
262
00:09:25,539 --> 00:09:26,955
Yeah!
Yeah!
263
00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:28,907
Oh!
264
00:09:28,909 --> 00:09:32,377
This is the greatest
song I've ever heard!
265
00:09:32,379 --> 00:09:34,663
Walden? Jenny?
266
00:09:34,665 --> 00:09:36,148
It-it's 3:00
in the morning.
267
00:09:36,150 --> 00:09:38,317
I know, and I'm still awake!
268
00:09:38,319 --> 00:09:40,802
And I'm still wasted!
269
00:09:40,804 --> 00:09:42,988
Oh, no, your fingers
aren't glowing!
270
00:09:42,990 --> 00:09:45,307
Oh, that's because he's poor.
271
00:09:46,476 --> 00:09:49,561
Oh, I am sorry, Alan.
272
00:09:49,563 --> 00:09:51,730
Whoa!
273
00:09:51,732 --> 00:09:53,615
Your skin is so soft.
274
00:09:53,617 --> 00:09:56,034
Guys, feel Alan's skin.
It's so soft.
275
00:09:56,036 --> 00:09:57,436
Whoa!
It's so soft.
276
00:09:57,438 --> 00:09:58,804
It's so soft.
Okay, okay, okay!
277
00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,305
Everybody stop touching me.
278
00:10:00,307 --> 00:10:01,856
Except you.
279
00:10:02,825 --> 00:10:04,126
Hi. I'm Alan.
280
00:10:04,128 --> 00:10:07,346
Alan, I'm high.
281
00:10:07,348 --> 00:10:09,181
What-what is going on?
282
00:10:09,183 --> 00:10:10,883
Oh, Alan, we were at a party,
283
00:10:10,885 --> 00:10:12,284
and we were drinking
and smoking,
284
00:10:12,286 --> 00:10:15,721
and then I ate a tiny pill
off of someone's nipple.
285
00:10:15,723 --> 00:10:17,623
It was like a nipple
Pez dispenser.
286
00:10:17,625 --> 00:10:20,041
Okay, okay, it's time
for the party to end,
287
00:10:20,043 --> 00:10:21,526
and everybody
to just sleep this off.
288
00:10:21,528 --> 00:10:23,495
Yeah, Alan's right.
289
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,331
We should get naked and
go skinny-dipping in the ocean!
290
00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:27,866
Yeah, Sarah's right.
Come on.
291
00:10:27,868 --> 00:10:31,270
(women whooping)
292
00:10:31,272 --> 00:10:34,122
Ha-ha! Yes!
293
00:10:37,327 --> 00:10:39,894
He's going skinny-dipping
with the hot chicks,
294
00:10:39,896 --> 00:10:42,897
and my girlfriend's
banging another dude.
295
00:10:42,899 --> 00:10:45,033
Can you throw me a bone, God?
296
00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:46,168
(thumping nearby)
297
00:10:46,170 --> 00:10:48,570
Oh, I didn't forget
about you, Alan.
298
00:10:48,572 --> 00:10:51,256
There's a new melon
in the fridge.
299
00:10:53,557 --> 00:10:55,557
♪ Men. ♪
300
00:11:04,271 --> 00:11:05,637
Oh, crap.
301
00:11:05,639 --> 00:11:08,857
♪ Men. ♪
302
00:11:11,358 --> 00:11:12,958
♪ Men. ♪
303
00:11:13,058 --> 00:11:16,009
Don't be naked, don't be naked.
304
00:11:16,011 --> 00:11:19,230
Damn.
305
00:11:19,232 --> 00:11:21,782
Don't be naked,
don't be naked.
306
00:11:21,784 --> 00:11:23,384
Damn.
307
00:11:24,319 --> 00:11:26,587
Damn!
308
00:11:28,673 --> 00:11:30,324
Whoa!
309
00:11:31,543 --> 00:11:33,544
Whoa.
310
00:11:35,247 --> 00:11:37,798
Whoa!
311
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,250
Morning.
312
00:11:39,252 --> 00:11:40,867
We're naked.
313
00:11:40,869 --> 00:11:41,868
Yes, we are.
314
00:11:41,870 --> 00:11:43,420
How did we get here?
315
00:11:43,422 --> 00:11:44,871
The last thing
I remember
316
00:11:44,873 --> 00:11:46,540
was asking some chick,
317
00:11:46,542 --> 00:11:49,009
"Can you mix these
with alcohol?"
318
00:11:49,011 --> 00:11:51,478
Apparently the answer is no.
319
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:54,265
Okay, 'cause the...
'cause the last thing I remember
320
00:11:54,267 --> 00:11:56,400
is you looking
in a mirror saying,
321
00:11:56,402 --> 00:11:58,652
"Can we mix these with alcohol""
322
00:11:58,654 --> 00:11:59,987
(laughs)
Don't worry.
323
00:11:59,989 --> 00:12:01,054
Nothing could've happened.
324
00:12:01,056 --> 00:12:02,239
I'm gay.
325
00:12:03,074 --> 00:12:04,575
Ah, that's right.
326
00:12:04,577 --> 00:12:07,060
You're gay.
(laughs)
327
00:12:07,062 --> 00:12:08,078
Wait.
328
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,113
How gay?
329
00:12:09,115 --> 00:12:11,282
Like, one being,
"Yay, it's college!"
330
00:12:11,284 --> 00:12:14,568
Or ten being,
"I'm going Subaru shopping
331
00:12:14,570 --> 00:12:16,787
with Ellen and Rosie."
332
00:12:18,540 --> 00:12:19,757
I'm closer to a nine.
333
00:12:19,759 --> 00:12:21,175
I mean, I make my own soap,
334
00:12:21,177 --> 00:12:22,793
but I don't sell it
at the Lilith Fair.
335
00:12:22,795 --> 00:12:25,095
Oh, great, great.
336
00:12:25,097 --> 00:12:26,130
I mean, granted you're prettier
337
00:12:26,132 --> 00:12:27,681
than a lot of the women
I've dated,
338
00:12:27,683 --> 00:12:30,668
ut you have an outie
and I'm into innies.
339
00:12:30,670 --> 00:12:32,469
Okay, okay,
so we didn't have sex.
340
00:12:32,471 --> 00:12:33,971
That is a load off.
341
00:12:33,973 --> 00:12:35,539
Uh, that's a poor choice
of words.
342
00:12:35,541 --> 00:12:39,360
Although sometimes
I date an innie
343
00:12:39,362 --> 00:12:41,412
who has an outtie in her purse.
344
00:12:41,414 --> 00:12:44,014
What is that supposed to mean?
345
00:12:44,016 --> 00:12:47,768
I don't know,
I'm just saying it's possible.
346
00:12:47,770 --> 00:12:49,870
Oh, God, if Alan finds out,
he's gonna freak out.
347
00:12:49,872 --> 00:12:51,739
He won't move out,
but he will freak out.
348
00:12:51,741 --> 00:12:53,273
Okay, settle down.
349
00:12:53,275 --> 00:12:55,659
We don't even know if there's
anything to freak out about.
350
00:12:55,661 --> 00:12:56,827
(stammers)
Hello.
351
00:12:56,829 --> 00:12:58,779
Hello.
Stop that!
352
00:12:59,714 --> 00:13:00,931
We got to figure out what to do.
353
00:13:00,933 --> 00:13:02,333
Okay, what we're gonna do
354
00:13:02,335 --> 00:13:04,601
is never talk about this again.
355
00:13:04,603 --> 00:13:05,969
So, you're just saying deny
356
00:13:05,971 --> 00:13:07,921
that we ever woke up
in bed naked together?
357
00:13:07,923 --> 00:13:10,307
I have a motto
for situations like this.
358
00:13:10,309 --> 00:13:12,343
What happens in Jenny,
359
00:13:12,345 --> 00:13:14,511
stays in Jenny.
360
00:13:17,916 --> 00:13:20,567
So, I was really surprised
you called me.
361
00:13:20,569 --> 00:13:24,421
Well, I-I couldn't get
your voice out of my head.
362
00:13:24,423 --> 00:13:26,874
You're not the first one
to say that.
363
00:13:26,876 --> 00:13:29,943
There it goes again.
364
00:13:29,945 --> 00:13:32,996
No, I was surprised
because I was vibing there was
365
00:13:32,998 --> 00:13:35,115
definitely something going on
between you and Lyndsey.
366
00:13:35,117 --> 00:13:36,700
No, we're-we're just friends.
367
00:13:36,702 --> 00:13:38,369
And-and barely that.
368
00:13:39,504 --> 00:13:41,422
She's a drunk, you know?
369
00:13:41,424 --> 00:13:42,956
Oh, believe me, I know.
370
00:13:42,958 --> 00:13:44,491
You should hear wine bottles
in her trash bins
371
00:13:44,493 --> 00:13:45,726
on Friday morning.
Mm-hmm.
372
00:13:45,728 --> 00:13:48,379
I mean, clank, clank,
drunken skank!
373
00:13:48,381 --> 00:13:50,748
Yeah, she's a whore, too.
374
00:13:50,750 --> 00:13:53,717
I don't know
why she ever let you go.
375
00:13:53,719 --> 00:13:55,719
You are quite the catch.
376
00:13:55,721 --> 00:13:57,805
Uh, I know I present that way,
377
00:13:57,807 --> 00:13:59,790
but I'm more catch and release.
378
00:13:59,792 --> 00:14:01,942
Well, I am not releasing.
379
00:14:01,944 --> 00:14:03,227
(high-pitched whoosh)
380
00:14:03,229 --> 00:14:04,895
(clicks tongue)
381
00:14:07,482 --> 00:14:09,850
(laughs)
382
00:14:11,069 --> 00:14:12,803
You are so cute.
383
00:14:12,805 --> 00:14:14,955
Thank you.
Uh, you're not eating your food.
384
00:14:14,957 --> 00:14:16,273
Do you not like Souplantation?
385
00:14:16,275 --> 00:14:19,076
No, I love it,
but since the surgery,
386
00:14:19,078 --> 00:14:22,246
I can't eat a portion
larger than my fist.
387
00:14:23,364 --> 00:14:24,531
But don't worry.
388
00:14:24,533 --> 00:14:26,717
That only applies to food.
389
00:14:32,223 --> 00:14:36,059
How are you still single?
390
00:14:41,232 --> 00:14:42,683
Hey.
391
00:14:42,685 --> 00:14:44,535
Hey.
392
00:14:44,537 --> 00:14:46,570
So, listen.
393
00:14:46,572 --> 00:14:50,257
Uh, about that thing
that didn't happen...
394
00:14:51,743 --> 00:14:55,212
I have a way to figure out
if it happened.
395
00:14:55,214 --> 00:14:58,198
I'm not peeing on any sticks.
396
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,867
No.
397
00:14:59,869 --> 00:15:02,820
There is a camera in my room.
398
00:15:02,822 --> 00:15:04,271
(sighs)
399
00:15:04,273 --> 00:15:06,924
And that's why
I don't sleep with guys.
400
00:15:06,926 --> 00:15:08,459
It was your dad's.
401
00:15:08,461 --> 00:15:10,410
And that's why I drink.
402
00:15:12,263 --> 00:15:15,415
So we could watch the video back
403
00:15:15,417 --> 00:15:17,084
and know for sure.
404
00:15:17,086 --> 00:15:18,819
Or...
405
00:15:18,821 --> 00:15:20,270
we could erase it
406
00:15:20,272 --> 00:15:24,090
and continue to deny
that anything ever happened.
407
00:15:25,260 --> 00:15:26,577
Play it.
408
00:15:26,579 --> 00:15:28,028
Ah, damn it.
409
00:15:28,030 --> 00:15:29,913
I was sure you were
gonna say erase it.
410
00:15:29,915 --> 00:15:31,148
No, I want to watch it.
411
00:15:31,150 --> 00:15:33,417
It'll be like a quarterback
watching game film.
412
00:15:33,419 --> 00:15:36,053
Only the quarterback's
a lesbian.
413
00:15:36,055 --> 00:15:38,705
And the game's boning a dude.
414
00:15:38,707 --> 00:15:40,257
Exactly.
415
00:15:40,259 --> 00:15:41,675
Okay.
416
00:15:43,294 --> 00:15:45,362
Here we go.
417
00:15:45,364 --> 00:15:46,446
(sighs)
418
00:15:46,448 --> 00:15:48,332
Wait!
Erase it?
419
00:15:48,334 --> 00:15:49,783
No, I want to make popcorn.
420
00:15:52,003 --> 00:15:55,305
So both of my ex-husbands
turned out to be gay.
421
00:15:55,307 --> 00:15:58,442
But the weird thing is...
is after I divorced them,
422
00:15:58,444 --> 00:16:00,511
they both turned straight again.
423
00:16:00,513 --> 00:16:02,312
What are the odds?
424
00:16:02,314 --> 00:16:04,515
Uh, well, this has been great.
425
00:16:04,517 --> 00:16:06,633
Whoa, somebody's fresh.
426
00:16:06,635 --> 00:16:08,101
(laughs)
427
00:16:10,038 --> 00:16:11,405
Come on in.
428
00:16:11,407 --> 00:16:13,607
I would love to take
you up on that,
429
00:16:13,609 --> 00:16:15,025
but, you know,
it's, uh....
430
00:16:15,027 --> 00:16:17,694
6:45...
431
00:16:17,696 --> 00:16:20,614
and, uh, I have
got to go home
432
00:16:20,616 --> 00:16:21,865
and, uh, hit the hay.
433
00:16:21,867 --> 00:16:23,300
Oh, I have hay here.
434
00:16:23,302 --> 00:16:26,486
And I will definitely
let you "hit it."
435
00:16:26,488 --> 00:16:27,955
That is tempting.
436
00:16:27,957 --> 00:16:30,490
Uh, and I am definitely
gonna have to come
437
00:16:30,492 --> 00:16:34,311
to terms with that while
I'm in the monastery.
438
00:16:34,313 --> 00:16:35,629
All right, I get it.
439
00:16:35,631 --> 00:16:37,163
You're making excuses
440
00:16:37,165 --> 00:16:38,832
because you're still
in love with Lyndsey.
441
00:16:38,834 --> 00:16:40,651
God, no, we're-we're
just friends.
442
00:16:40,653 --> 00:16:42,653
Yeah, and I didn't
just fart in your car.
443
00:16:44,022 --> 00:16:46,339
It's fine, okay?
I get it.
444
00:16:46,341 --> 00:16:48,992
I just feel bad
for her boyfriend.
445
00:16:48,994 --> 00:16:50,561
(groans) Wait!
446
00:16:50,563 --> 00:16:52,696
Uh, if-if I was still
in love with Lyndsey,
447
00:16:52,698 --> 00:16:54,147
would I do this?
448
00:16:56,367 --> 00:16:57,651
Wow.
449
00:16:57,653 --> 00:17:00,537
Do that again, but keep
your eyes open and say my name.
450
00:17:02,206 --> 00:17:03,356
(muffled):
Stephanie?
451
00:17:03,358 --> 00:17:04,558
(both grunt)
452
00:17:09,030 --> 00:17:10,330
Are you sure about this?
453
00:17:10,332 --> 00:17:12,883
Because once we see it,
we can't un-see it.
454
00:17:12,885 --> 00:17:14,885
Yeah, worst-case
scenario, it's a video
455
00:17:14,887 --> 00:17:17,087
of two hot people
having sex.
456
00:17:17,089 --> 00:17:19,840
Well, I'm just gonna say...
457
00:17:19,842 --> 00:17:22,042
if I had sex with one Harper
in this house,
458
00:17:22,044 --> 00:17:23,710
thank God it was you.
459
00:17:25,813 --> 00:17:28,548
(groans) Okay.
460
00:17:28,550 --> 00:17:32,252
Oh, this is not
a good start.
461
00:17:32,254 --> 00:17:35,439
♪ Bow chicka bow wow.
462
00:17:35,441 --> 00:17:38,909
Oh, having sex with a guy
in my dad's bed.
463
00:17:38,911 --> 00:17:41,411
Paging Dr. Freud, huh?
464
00:17:41,413 --> 00:17:43,363
You know what?
Let's just go back to denial.
465
00:17:43,365 --> 00:17:44,414
No, wait, wait!
466
00:17:44,416 --> 00:17:46,066
Wait, that is not me.
467
00:17:46,068 --> 00:17:49,235
I don't have a Fred
Flintstone tattoo.
468
00:17:49,237 --> 00:17:51,438
Well, if that's not you,
then who is she?
469
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:55,626
You're the one
yabba-dabba-doin' her.
470
00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,912
I don't know who that is.
471
00:17:58,914 --> 00:18:00,714
God, I love living
at the beach.
472
00:18:00,716 --> 00:18:02,049
Mmm.
473
00:18:02,051 --> 00:18:03,050
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
474
00:18:03,052 --> 00:18:04,384
That's Heidi!
475
00:18:04,386 --> 00:18:06,019
You banged Heidi.
Really?
476
00:18:06,021 --> 00:18:07,437
Yes! Good going.
477
00:18:07,439 --> 00:18:08,772
(grunts)
478
00:18:08,774 --> 00:18:09,806
(laughs)
479
00:18:09,808 --> 00:18:11,808
So, how did I end
up in your bed?
480
00:18:11,810 --> 00:18:13,026
I don't... Uh, wait.
481
00:18:13,028 --> 00:18:14,194
Is that you?
482
00:18:14,196 --> 00:18:16,429
Yeah.
Well, who are you with?
483
00:18:16,431 --> 00:18:19,032
Oops, I turned Sarah.
484
00:18:19,034 --> 00:18:20,233
(laughs)
485
00:18:20,235 --> 00:18:22,986
Nice!
(laughs)
486
00:18:22,988 --> 00:18:25,489
Wh-Whoa, who are
those people?
487
00:18:25,491 --> 00:18:26,556
(grunts)
488
00:18:26,558 --> 00:18:28,775
Do you remember the
bonfire on the beach?
489
00:18:28,777 --> 00:18:30,994
Yeah, the Italian
exchange students!
490
00:18:30,996 --> 00:18:32,796
"I no have-ah
the bus fare-ah."
491
00:18:32,798 --> 00:18:35,115
They no have-ah
no pants-ah!
492
00:18:35,117 --> 00:18:35,781
Oh, wow!
493
00:18:35,806 --> 00:18:36,951
Did we invite them
back to the house?
494
00:18:36,952 --> 00:18:39,386
I guess so-- I mean,
that is a big pile of naked.
495
00:18:39,388 --> 00:18:42,506
Oh... oh, man.
496
00:18:42,508 --> 00:18:45,458
Now Heidi's with the guy
that looks like James Franco.
497
00:18:45,460 --> 00:18:47,260
(laughs)
498
00:18:47,262 --> 00:18:50,597
Wait, that is James Franco!
499
00:18:50,599 --> 00:18:54,518
That guy is in everything!
500
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,653
Wait a second,
who am I with now?
501
00:18:56,655 --> 00:18:58,605
Oh, now you're with Sarah.
502
00:18:58,607 --> 00:18:59,606
(laughs)
503
00:18:59,608 --> 00:19:02,492
Turned her back-- wah!
504
00:19:02,494 --> 00:19:03,627
Oh...
505
00:19:03,629 --> 00:19:05,629
that is some
Game of Thrones stuff there.
506
00:19:05,631 --> 00:19:07,698
Yeah, but we
didn't, uh...?
507
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,700
No, I guess not.
508
00:19:09,702 --> 00:19:13,053
Oh, well, maybe.
509
00:19:13,055 --> 00:19:14,971
That is my ass.
510
00:19:14,973 --> 00:19:18,725
No, that's my ass.
511
00:19:18,727 --> 00:19:20,677
Oh.
512
00:19:20,679 --> 00:19:22,496
Is that your arm?
513
00:19:22,498 --> 00:19:23,830
Uh, no, that is my...
514
00:19:23,832 --> 00:19:25,165
BERTA:
What are you doing?
515
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,551
Nothing.
516
00:19:27,553 --> 00:19:28,552
Hanging out.
517
00:19:28,554 --> 00:19:31,104
Okay. So, listen.
518
00:19:31,106 --> 00:19:34,841
Are we all gonna talk about
the orgy we had last night?
519
00:19:38,479 --> 00:19:41,298
What?
520
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:43,050
Y-You were there?
521
00:19:43,052 --> 00:19:44,117
Hell, yeah.
522
00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:46,420
I banged James Franco.
523
00:19:46,422 --> 00:19:48,989
♪ Men. ♪
524
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:52,608
♪ Men. ♪
525
00:19:52,610 --> 00:19:54,226
I'm so glad
you were able to get away.
526
00:19:54,228 --> 00:19:55,945
I owe you one for going
out with Stephanie.
527
00:19:55,947 --> 00:19:57,980
The only way I got through it...
528
00:19:57,982 --> 00:19:59,782
Mm-hmm.
was by thinking of you.
529
00:19:59,784 --> 00:20:00,816
Through what?
530
00:20:00,818 --> 00:20:02,368
You know, Stephanie.
531
00:20:02,370 --> 00:20:03,936
I took one for the team.
532
00:20:03,938 --> 00:20:05,688
Rather I, uh,
gave one for the team.
533
00:20:05,690 --> 00:20:07,623
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
534
00:20:07,625 --> 00:20:08,774
You had sex with her?
535
00:20:08,776 --> 00:20:11,293
Yeah, the second time
was not easy.
536
00:20:11,295 --> 00:20:13,045
Oh, my God!
537
00:20:13,047 --> 00:20:14,230
What? Wasn't I supposed to?
538
00:20:14,232 --> 00:20:15,548
No, you were supposed
to take her out,
539
00:20:15,550 --> 00:20:16,966
go to a movie or something.
540
00:20:16,968 --> 00:20:18,084
Oh, I don't think I could've sat
541
00:20:18,086 --> 00:20:19,301
through a movie with her.
542
00:20:19,303 --> 00:20:21,387
You are unbelievable.
I'm out of here.
543
00:20:21,389 --> 00:20:22,838
B-But I thought we were gonna...
544
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,206
Oh, no. God, no.
545
00:20:24,208 --> 00:20:25,708
But... but...
546
00:20:25,710 --> 00:20:27,810
but you have a boyfriend!
547
00:20:35,786 --> 00:20:37,386
Hello, uh, Stephanie?
548
00:20:37,388 --> 00:20:39,105
Yeah, it-it's Alan.
549
00:20:39,107 --> 00:20:41,974
Uh, turns out, uh,
the doctor read my MRI wrong.
550
00:20:41,976 --> 00:20:43,754
I will be free tonight.
551
00:20:44,932 --> 00:20:46,577
♪ Men. ♪
552
00:20:46,721 --> 00:20:51,721
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*