1
00:00:00,819 --> 00:00:02,806
Previously on:
2
00:00:02,926 --> 00:00:04,526
So, what happened
between you and your girl?
3
00:00:04,646 --> 00:00:07,553
She wanted to get married, and
I'm just not sure I'm ready.
4
00:00:07,673 --> 00:00:11,338
That's the same reason I lost Lyndsey. You got to
get her back. Don't make the same mistake I did.
5
00:00:11,458 --> 00:00:14,162
I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me.
6
00:00:14,506 --> 00:00:16,751
Yeah, I just have to get a ring.
I got a ring you could have.
7
00:00:16,871 --> 00:00:20,639
You must be here to see your
friend Larry, who is also here.
8
00:00:21,044 --> 00:00:22,804
Lyndsey MacElroy,
9
00:00:23,461 --> 00:00:26,508
will you marry me?
Yes, I will marry you!
10
00:00:32,764 --> 00:00:36,182
What's going on down here?
I got up to pee and I heard moaning.
11
00:00:36,302 --> 00:00:38,661
No, you heard crying.
12
00:00:41,163 --> 00:00:42,519
And moaning.
13
00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:45,608
You're watching porn
at 3:00 in the morning?
14
00:00:45,728 --> 00:00:49,228
No, it's that soft-core flick
that Lyndsey made back in the '90s,
15
00:00:49,348 --> 00:00:51,316
Cinnamon's Buns.
16
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:55,425
Nothing brings me back
like hearing her fake an orgasm.
17
00:00:56,038 --> 00:01:00,722
Oh, listen, I know that breakups are hard, but...
Uh, please tell me those were for crying.
18
00:01:01,755 --> 00:01:05,645
Uh, uh, crying, yes,
very upset, very upset, yes.
19
00:01:06,682 --> 00:01:08,534
Wow, you know, you're
a classy guy, Alan.
20
00:01:08,654 --> 00:01:12,966
It's hard to understand why she accepted
Larry's proposal and not yours.
21
00:01:13,086 --> 00:01:15,471
Technically, I never
actually proposed.
22
00:01:15,591 --> 00:01:16,313
What?
23
00:01:16,433 --> 00:01:18,437
Well, when I got there
he was already doing it,
24
00:01:18,557 --> 00:01:23,051
so I just figured I'd chalk this one
up as another loss and move on.
25
00:01:23,171 --> 00:01:27,247
Universe: 82,223;
Alan: 12.
26
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:31,845
Come on, you're exaggerating.
You have not had 12 victories.
27
00:01:32,796 --> 00:01:36,919
Yes, I have. Uh, my son, plus the number
of years I've lived here rent-free.
28
00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:42,849
I can't believe you just stood there while another guy
proposed to your girl and you didn't say anything.
29
00:01:42,969 --> 00:01:44,776
There's nothing I can do about it.
30
00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:47,477
Larry's the one frosting her muffins now.
31
00:01:47,597 --> 00:01:51,044
Have we learned nothing
from Cinnamon's Buns?
32
00:01:51,670 --> 00:01:55,667
She told Master Baker no five times!
33
00:01:56,531 --> 00:01:58,151
Did he listen? No!
34
00:01:59,878 --> 00:02:02,863
No, the only reason Lyndsey settled for Larry
35
00:02:02,983 --> 00:02:05,847
is 'cause she didn't know
she could settle for you!
36
00:02:06,166 --> 00:02:09,575
You're right. I mean, you're a handsome
billionaire, and you settled for me.
37
00:02:09,695 --> 00:02:13,374
She's just a-a-a divorced,
middle-aged lush...
38
00:02:14,407 --> 00:02:16,447
...of my dreams.
39
00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:19,117
That's the spirit!
Now, get up and...
40
00:02:19,237 --> 00:02:20,816
wash your hands and...
41
00:02:20,936 --> 00:02:24,830
burn this couch, and go get your...
surprisingly flexible girlfriend back.
42
00:02:24,950 --> 00:02:26,795
You're right, you're right.
Thanks, Walden.
43
00:02:26,915 --> 00:02:28,607
Oh, Master Baker,
44
00:02:28,727 --> 00:02:31,776
would you like to watch while
I train this lovely young maiden
45
00:02:31,896 --> 00:02:33,967
to churn your butter?
46
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,561
Maybe one more scene.
47
00:02:36,737 --> 00:02:39,190
This is a pivotal
part of the film.
48
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,502
You might need this.
49
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:45,354
This scene's
a real tear... jerker.
50
00:02:47,286 --> 00:02:50,286
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x15 ♪
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
Original Air Date on February 27, 2014
51
00:02:58,347 --> 00:03:00,962
Hey, Berta,
how about a cup of coffee?
52
00:03:01,082 --> 00:03:03,114
No, thanks, I just had a cup.
53
00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:06,833
I don't know why
you keep her on payroll.
54
00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:09,948
Says the guy I pay
to be my assistant.
55
00:03:10,748 --> 00:03:14,287
Oh, oh, that's still a thing?
Oh, oh, cup of joe coming right up, boss.
56
00:03:16,256 --> 00:03:17,664
Hey, what are you doing there?
57
00:03:17,784 --> 00:03:20,417
I'm making breakfast
in bed for Brooke.
58
00:03:20,537 --> 00:03:22,369
Hey, what tastes good on boobs?
59
00:03:22,489 --> 00:03:24,296
Pineapple rings are always fun.
60
00:03:24,416 --> 00:03:26,830
Yeah. You get the room
nice and cold, and you play ring toss.
61
00:03:27,398 --> 00:03:29,757
Yeah, and with
Brooke's bad boys, you could...
62
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:32,188
Omaha! Omaha!
63
00:03:35,076 --> 00:03:35,927
What? Hmm?
64
00:03:36,184 --> 00:03:38,225
Nothing. We weren't talking
about your boobs.
65
00:03:39,249 --> 00:03:41,391
Why not? You stare
at 'em enough.
66
00:03:41,511 --> 00:03:42,643
What?
67
00:03:43,895 --> 00:03:46,739
I don't... I never...
I'm sorry.
68
00:03:48,249 --> 00:03:49,469
Where are you going?
69
00:03:49,589 --> 00:03:50,597
I got to get to work.
70
00:03:50,717 --> 00:03:54,188
You can't leave, breakfast sex is
the most important meal of the day.
71
00:03:54,308 --> 00:03:56,528
Sorry. Mwa!
I'll call you later, okay, babe?
72
00:03:57,873 --> 00:04:01,647
No worries. Call me whenever you can.
Oh, God, she's dumping me.
73
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:05,056
What are you talking about?
Didn't you just hear that?
74
00:04:05,176 --> 00:04:06,752
She's "going to work."
75
00:04:07,417 --> 00:04:11,540
Okay, I know no one in this
house is familiar with it,
76
00:04:11,660 --> 00:04:13,661
but "going to work"
is an actual thing.
77
00:04:14,945 --> 00:04:16,928
It's kind of like "paying rent".
78
00:04:20,482 --> 00:04:22,109
It's not just that, it's...
79
00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:23,973
it's been forever
since we've had sex.
80
00:04:24,093 --> 00:04:25,433
Well, how long is forever?
81
00:04:25,553 --> 00:04:26,747
Two days!
82
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,130
I hate you.
83
00:04:29,634 --> 00:04:32,693
Come on, you and Brooke are great together.
She's not breaking up with you.
84
00:04:32,813 --> 00:04:34,823
Uh, then again,
maybe she is slipping away,
85
00:04:34,943 --> 00:04:38,452
and you're just gonna have to face the possibility
of being alone for the rest of your life.
86
00:04:40,259 --> 00:04:41,811
Oh, my God!
87
00:04:43,331 --> 00:04:46,315
What the hell's the matter with you?
Why would you say that to her?
88
00:04:46,435 --> 00:04:50,115
I'm just trying to prepare her for-for
the harsh realities of real life.
89
00:04:50,235 --> 00:04:53,703
I mean, who else is gonna do it,
her father? He's dead, Walden!
90
00:04:53,823 --> 00:04:57,198
Why are you even here? I thought
you were gonna go win Lyndsey back.
91
00:04:57,318 --> 00:05:01,719
It's early. I want to win her back, but
I don't want to spend the whole day with her.
92
00:05:08,243 --> 00:05:09,268
Alan.
93
00:05:09,388 --> 00:05:12,270
Lyndsey MacElroy, I love you.
94
00:05:12,390 --> 00:05:14,079
You are my world.
95
00:05:14,199 --> 00:05:17,491
I want you to spend
the rest of your life with me.
96
00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:19,309
And Walden.
97
00:05:20,366 --> 00:05:22,694
You're-you're kidding, right?
I'm engaged to Larry.
98
00:05:22,814 --> 00:05:27,211
That's not fair. I mean, if I hadn't stopped at that
gas station to poop, I would have been here first.
99
00:05:28,831 --> 00:05:29,943
Alan, don't.
100
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,694
Maybe this will change
your mind.
101
00:05:31,814 --> 00:05:34,787
Oh, Alan, it doesn't matter
what kind of ring...
102
00:05:35,081 --> 00:05:37,915
Holy crap, that thing's huge!
103
00:05:38,265 --> 00:05:39,510
That's what she said.
104
00:05:40,930 --> 00:05:42,554
I know, not the right time.
105
00:05:42,674 --> 00:05:45,334
What do you say?
I say I'm marrying Larry.
106
00:05:45,454 --> 00:05:47,337
But why?
He loves me.
107
00:05:47,457 --> 00:05:48,894
Not as much as I do.
108
00:05:49,014 --> 00:05:50,150
He has his own house.
109
00:05:50,270 --> 00:05:51,240
I...
110
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:52,779
love you.
111
00:05:53,390 --> 00:05:54,691
I'm sorry, Alan.
112
00:05:55,474 --> 00:05:58,114
You-you really think Larry can
make you happier than I can?
113
00:05:58,234 --> 00:06:00,685
I think I made
the right decision.
114
00:06:00,805 --> 00:06:02,418
You made your bed.
115
00:06:02,538 --> 00:06:04,585
Now let's have sex in it.
Alan.
116
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:07,657
Good-bye.
117
00:06:12,793 --> 00:06:13,881
All right.
118
00:06:14,889 --> 00:06:19,395
Universe: 82,224;
119
00:06:24,790 --> 00:06:26,241
Twenty-five.
120
00:06:40,437 --> 00:06:41,345
Alan.
121
00:06:41,465 --> 00:06:42,516
Hi, Judith.
122
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:43,968
What are you doing here?
123
00:06:44,088 --> 00:06:48,015
Oh, God, what did Jake do? Please tell me the
Army didn't let him drive a tank again.
124
00:06:48,135 --> 00:06:50,230
No, no, nothing's
wrong with Jake.
125
00:06:50,350 --> 00:06:51,852
Well, nothing new wrong.
126
00:06:51,972 --> 00:06:54,010
Then what's going on?
Is everything okay?
127
00:06:54,130 --> 00:06:58,626
Uh, it's just that I've been having a really rough
day, and I needed to see a friendly face.
128
00:06:58,746 --> 00:07:00,529
And you picked me?
129
00:07:01,493 --> 00:07:03,247
There's that friendly face.
130
00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:06,096
I'm sorry. Why don't you come on in.
I just opened a bottle of wine.
131
00:07:06,216 --> 00:07:07,212
Thanks.
132
00:07:07,332 --> 00:07:09,178
Wait.
You don't need money, do you?
133
00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:11,089
No, not at all.
Okay, good.
134
00:07:11,209 --> 00:07:12,803
Wait, are you offering?
135
00:07:20,297 --> 00:07:21,538
Whoa, nice blanket.
136
00:07:22,162 --> 00:07:24,783
What's with the cat lady
starter kit?
137
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:27,913
It's my bad-news blanket.
My mom gave it to me when I was a kid.
138
00:07:28,033 --> 00:07:30,986
I know what you're saying.
I have a bad-news bong.
139
00:07:32,217 --> 00:07:34,014
And a good-news bong.
140
00:07:34,593 --> 00:07:36,992
And a watching-the-news bong.
141
00:07:37,321 --> 00:07:40,035
I guess what I'm saying is,
I like to get high.
142
00:07:41,326 --> 00:07:42,520
This about Brooke?
143
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:46,670
She blew me off again. She was supposed to come
over after work, but she said she was tired.
144
00:07:47,628 --> 00:07:50,954
Not having sex with me
must be exhausting.
145
00:07:52,883 --> 00:07:53,790
Look... Jenny,
146
00:07:53,910 --> 00:07:58,709
in any relationship, it's normal for there to be
a lull in the bedroom after a while.
147
00:07:58,829 --> 00:08:00,184
Does the sex come back?
148
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,130
You're cute.
149
00:08:03,867 --> 00:08:06,420
But it does help
if you do romantic stuff.
150
00:08:06,540 --> 00:08:07,409
Like what?
151
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:08,554
Surprise her.
152
00:08:08,674 --> 00:08:11,156
Be spontaneous. Let her know
that you appreciate her.
153
00:08:11,276 --> 00:08:13,672
I guess I could send flowers
to her work.
154
00:08:14,254 --> 00:08:15,965
Ugh! That's so gay.
155
00:08:17,253 --> 00:08:21,651
Well, these are the kinds of things we
have to do as a relationship evolves.
156
00:08:22,058 --> 00:08:26,088
See,
sex becomes companionship,
157
00:08:26,208 --> 00:08:28,642
and companionship
becomes commitment.
158
00:08:28,892 --> 00:08:30,181
Commitment...
159
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:34,316
becomes complacency, which...
gives way to contempt.
160
00:08:36,059 --> 00:08:40,130
Until you find yourself longing
for the sweet release of death.
161
00:08:40,857 --> 00:08:41,788
Yikes.
162
00:08:42,163 --> 00:08:44,609
I'm gonna go get
my bad-news bong.
163
00:08:47,838 --> 00:08:49,071
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
164
00:08:49,191 --> 00:08:52,930
Uh, you remember, uh, Jake's
seventh grade science project?
165
00:08:53,050 --> 00:08:54,652
Wait, which seventh grade?
166
00:08:54,772 --> 00:08:55,990
Second time.
167
00:08:56,835 --> 00:09:00,739
Um, he wanted to study how different foods
would make his farts smell.
168
00:09:00,859 --> 00:09:05,117
Oh, yeah! He'd rip one in Tupperware,
seal it and label it.
169
00:09:06,243 --> 00:09:09,532
To this day, I still remember Brussels sprouts.
Yes. Oh, Brussels sprouts. Ugh...!
170
00:09:10,222 --> 00:09:14,232
Most parents make their kids eat vegetables.
We made ours stop. Yeah.
171
00:09:14,352 --> 00:09:16,785
And then he got rickets.
172
00:09:19,583 --> 00:09:22,179
Oh... oh, it's been
a crazy ride, hasn't it?
173
00:09:25,950 --> 00:09:27,095
Hey... can I
ask you something?
174
00:09:27,215 --> 00:09:28,728
Oh, here we go.
How much?
175
00:09:29,329 --> 00:09:31,081
No, no, not that.
176
00:09:31,201 --> 00:09:33,207
What's wrong with me?
177
00:09:33,327 --> 00:09:34,128
Oh, Alan.
178
00:09:34,248 --> 00:09:38,580
I don't carry around a list of your faults.
My therapist said it's no longer healthy.
179
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,845
I'm-I'm serious.
I mean, it seems like
180
00:09:41,965 --> 00:09:44,694
every relationship I've ever been in
I've screwed up.
181
00:09:45,102 --> 00:09:48,118
Oh. Look, a marriage doesn't fail
because of one person screwing up.
182
00:09:48,238 --> 00:09:50,101
I screwed up two marriages.
183
00:09:50,221 --> 00:09:53,383
Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right--
you're a two-time loser.
184
00:09:53,503 --> 00:09:56,104
Uh, but at least I have Walden;
I mean, you've got nobody.
185
00:09:56,704 --> 00:09:58,644
Oh, we're being
honest now?
186
00:09:59,027 --> 00:10:01,422
Herb's penis is
bigger than yours.
187
00:10:02,891 --> 00:10:05,388
I'd forgotten how good
you are at this.
188
00:10:07,390 --> 00:10:08,829
I have missed you.
189
00:10:08,949 --> 00:10:12,645
I mean, you know, not the constant verbal abuse
that left me a crippled shell of a man.
190
00:10:12,765 --> 00:10:15,378
But we could always
make each other laugh.
191
00:10:15,498 --> 00:10:18,689
Oh. You could never find my G-spot,
but you could always find my funny bone.
192
00:10:20,066 --> 00:10:22,005
I'm just kidding.
193
00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:24,122
I've missed you, too.
194
00:10:30,526 --> 00:10:33,955
Oh, yeah, this is, uh...
This is probably a bad idea.
195
00:10:46,728 --> 00:10:48,417
Let's look for that G-spot.
196
00:10:48,537 --> 00:10:51,238
Or... how about
you look for mine?
197
00:11:04,032 --> 00:11:07,755
Oh, God.
What did we do?
198
00:11:12,744 --> 00:11:14,977
Oh, God, what did I do?
199
00:11:31,830 --> 00:11:33,338
Come on.
200
00:11:40,315 --> 00:11:42,258
What did we do last night?
201
00:11:49,849 --> 00:11:50,887
More!
202
00:11:52,483 --> 00:11:53,903
Oh, God.
203
00:12:35,369 --> 00:12:39,667
Well, well, well, someone never
made it home last night.
204
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,767
Am I speaking
with an engaged man?
205
00:12:43,155 --> 00:12:45,551
I think you might be.
206
00:12:46,089 --> 00:12:48,730
That's great. Hey, what'd Lyndsey say
when you showed her the ring?
207
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,533
That thing is huge.
208
00:12:50,653 --> 00:12:52,123
That's what she said.
209
00:12:52,243 --> 00:12:53,743
That's what I said!
210
00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:56,996
She also said
she's staying with Larry.
211
00:12:57,116 --> 00:12:58,331
What? I thought
you said you were engaged.
212
00:12:58,451 --> 00:13:00,659
I am. To Judith.
213
00:13:02,077 --> 00:13:03,774
What, your ex-wife?
214
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,077
Whoa. What the hell happened?
215
00:13:13,004 --> 00:13:15,356
Well, it's all kind of sketchy.
We had a lot to drink.
216
00:13:15,476 --> 00:13:19,766
Well, I-I've had a lot to drink before,
but I've never got engaged to my ex-wife.
217
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:22,858
Okay, maybe I'm being selfish, but I'd like
to talk about me right now.
218
00:13:23,248 --> 00:13:24,468
Jindsey?
219
00:13:25,823 --> 00:13:27,312
Ludith.
220
00:13:27,831 --> 00:13:29,906
Will you Larry me?
221
00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:33,026
Let me ask you something.
222
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:37,274
Um, do you think Judith would be more upset,
uh, to wake up and find she's engaged to me,
223
00:13:37,394 --> 00:13:40,076
or to wake up
and find she's missing a finger?
224
00:13:40,196 --> 00:13:44,990
Okay, look, I'm sure that she got tipsy
and caught up in the moment, too,
225
00:13:45,110 --> 00:13:48,199
and if you're just honest with her,
she'll probably be relieved.
226
00:13:48,319 --> 00:13:51,527
What if she isn't? I mean, how do I
get her to want out of marrying me?
227
00:13:51,647 --> 00:13:53,029
Be yourself?
228
00:13:53,848 --> 00:13:55,193
Worked before.
229
00:14:01,643 --> 00:14:03,076
Hey, you.
230
00:14:04,634 --> 00:14:07,211
Um, uh, listen, uh, we should...
we should really talk about last night.
231
00:14:07,331 --> 00:14:09,945
Absolutely, but I need
to say something first.
232
00:14:10,253 --> 00:14:11,904
Things are going
to be different this time.
233
00:14:12,024 --> 00:14:17,323
I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made before.
And I'm going to start by showing you how much I appreciate you
234
00:14:17,443 --> 00:14:18,705
every single day.
235
00:14:19,245 --> 00:14:22,173
Oh, that's really sweet, but
we really should talk about...
236
00:14:22,293 --> 00:14:25,339
Who we should invite
to the wedding!
237
00:14:29,986 --> 00:14:31,431
Hey.
Hi.
238
00:14:31,551 --> 00:14:36,230
Guess what. I'm taking your advice, and I'm
surprising Brooke with a romantic evening.
239
00:14:36,350 --> 00:14:38,964
Good. You know, I know
that's not easy for you.
240
00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:40,902
Your dad was the same way.
241
00:14:41,022 --> 00:14:44,506
His idea of romance
was a warm washcloth,
242
00:14:44,626 --> 00:14:47,321
cab fare
and a bottle of penicillin.
243
00:14:48,798 --> 00:14:52,519
Aw! So my dad wasn't just
a drunken, diseased man-whore.
244
00:14:52,639 --> 00:14:54,435
He was a gentleman.
245
00:14:55,605 --> 00:14:58,977
Charlie would be so happy
to see his little girl now.
246
00:14:59,297 --> 00:15:04,430
Of course, he'd be even more happy
to see the rack on his little girl's girlfriend.
247
00:15:04,999 --> 00:15:07,749
Does she have nice boobs?
I've never noticed.
248
00:15:09,324 --> 00:15:10,043
Hey.
249
00:15:11,013 --> 00:15:14,060
How'd it go with Judith?
She take it okay?
250
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:17,013
Uh, well, uh, you know,
she... uh, she...
251
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,595
It was a... a little hard
for her to swallow.
252
00:15:21,291 --> 00:15:24,173
Well, I'm just glad you talked to her.
Can I get my ring back?
253
00:15:24,293 --> 00:15:26,144
Uh, funny story.
254
00:15:26,264 --> 00:15:29,475
Um... she kind of kept it,
and we're kind of getting married.
255
00:15:31,784 --> 00:15:33,478
Alan, I thought
you were gonna talk to her.
256
00:15:33,598 --> 00:15:37,250
Uh, I did. Uh, we came to an...
oral agreement.
257
00:15:39,633 --> 00:15:40,246
Alan!
258
00:15:40,366 --> 00:15:43,597
It's my weakness.
That and red velvet anything.
259
00:15:43,717 --> 00:15:45,796
Wait. Wait.
This is the same woman
260
00:15:45,916 --> 00:15:50,876
that you said was so evil that her image
didn't show up in your wedding pictures.
261
00:15:51,379 --> 00:15:53,925
I only said that because,
at the time, I thought she was
262
00:15:54,045 --> 00:15:57,271
the worst person I'd ever met, and
she made my life a living hell.
263
00:15:57,391 --> 00:15:59,668
But, you know, people change.
It's gonna be great.
264
00:16:02,542 --> 00:16:06,659
So, Zippy's moving out,
and he's going to be miserable.
265
00:16:06,779 --> 00:16:09,193
So you have
been listening.
266
00:16:12,445 --> 00:16:16,005
I have to say, dinner was great, Judith.
Thank you for inviting me over.
267
00:16:16,125 --> 00:16:19,668
Of course. You're Alan's best friend.
Actually, you're Alan's only friend.
268
00:16:21,691 --> 00:16:23,274
It's funny 'cause it's true.
269
00:16:24,579 --> 00:16:26,469
Oh, honey, uh, could you pass
the potatoes, please?
270
00:16:26,589 --> 00:16:29,391
Oh, I think you've already
had plenty, doughboy. Mm.
271
00:16:33,245 --> 00:16:37,829
Well, I have to say, I was shocked when Alan
told me you were getting married again.
272
00:16:37,949 --> 00:16:39,731
Oh, you were shocked?
273
00:16:39,851 --> 00:16:44,680
There was a time when just the thought of being touched by his tiny,
clammy hands again made me throw up in my mouth a little.
274
00:16:46,295 --> 00:16:47,671
That's all ancient history.
275
00:16:47,791 --> 00:16:51,318
Yeah, if ancient history
was last Thursday.
276
00:16:55,612 --> 00:16:56,796
Oh, isn't she great?
277
00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:57,882
No!
278
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:03,791
She's treating you like crap. The only people
that get to do that are people that do it out of love,
279
00:17:03,911 --> 00:17:05,682
like me and Berta and your mom.
280
00:17:06,178 --> 00:17:07,729
Okay, fine. Me and Berta.
281
00:17:08,530 --> 00:17:09,991
Okay. Me.
282
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:13,596
It's harmless.
It's just Judith being funny.
283
00:17:14,571 --> 00:17:16,873
Did... did you just twitch?
284
00:17:16,993 --> 00:17:19,989
No, I was just talking
about how funny Judith is.
285
00:17:20,464 --> 00:17:24,112
Okay, look me in the eye and tell me how much
you love Judith without twitching.
286
00:17:24,232 --> 00:17:26,326
Fine. I love Judith.
287
00:17:28,059 --> 00:17:29,348
There, I said it.
288
00:17:29,468 --> 00:17:30,369
Alan.
289
00:17:31,121 --> 00:17:32,987
You cannot marry this woman.
290
00:17:33,107 --> 00:17:36,162
You deserve better. I mean,
not much better, but better.
291
00:17:36,282 --> 00:17:39,097
You know who I deserve? I deserve
Lyndsey, but I can't have her.
292
00:17:39,217 --> 00:17:41,695
She's marrying somebody else,
so I'm taking what I can get.
293
00:17:41,815 --> 00:17:44,017
That's what I do.
I'm a love scavenger.
294
00:17:44,137 --> 00:17:48,501
You're also a house scavenger and a money
scavenger and an underwear scavenger.
295
00:17:48,621 --> 00:17:50,440
But that doesn't mean
you have to settle.
296
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,905
Yes, it does.
I don't want to die alone.
297
00:17:53,025 --> 00:17:56,168
Maybe you don't realize it, but there aren't a lot of people
who want to spend the rest of their lives with me.
298
00:17:56,288 --> 00:17:59,088
Oh, no, I realize it!
299
00:18:02,525 --> 00:18:04,813
Brooke, really, we can get
a hotel for the night.
300
00:18:04,933 --> 00:18:08,444
No, no, no, Dad. It's fine. I'll sleep
on the couch, and you guys stay in my room.
301
00:18:08,900 --> 00:18:11,158
Surprise!
302
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,392
Who's this?
303
00:18:14,512 --> 00:18:16,588
Uh, Mom, Dad,
this is, um...
304
00:18:16,708 --> 00:18:18,372
my girlfriend, Jenny.
305
00:18:18,492 --> 00:18:20,516
It's a pleasure to meet you!
306
00:18:21,899 --> 00:18:23,427
I like her.
307
00:18:27,869 --> 00:18:32,531
Oh, hey, I was thinking, now that Jake's gone...
Mm? - ...I can turn his room into my man-cave.
308
00:18:32,651 --> 00:18:35,853
You know, a pinball machine, flat-screen
TV, potter's wheel.
309
00:18:35,973 --> 00:18:38,607
No, that's not going to happen.
Oh, you have plans for it?
310
00:18:38,727 --> 00:18:41,934
No, I'm just not letting you get
another potter's wheel.
311
00:18:44,511 --> 00:18:47,414
Judith, I have to say, I cannot take
my eyes off of that ring.
312
00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:52,343
I know. When I first saw it, I thought it was as fake
as the orgasms I used to have when we were married.
313
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:56,766
That's true.
Very unsatisfactory lover.
314
00:18:58,179 --> 00:19:00,949
But I mean,
what woman could say no to this?
315
00:19:01,069 --> 00:19:02,680
I can think of one.
316
00:19:03,862 --> 00:19:05,661
Can you think of one, Alan?
317
00:19:07,797 --> 00:19:08,974
Uh, what's going on?
318
00:19:09,718 --> 00:19:14,282
Oh, nothing. I'm just glad that you were there to pick
up the pieces after Lyndsey turned down Alan's proposal.
319
00:19:14,402 --> 00:19:16,639
What?! You proposed
to her before me?
320
00:19:16,759 --> 00:19:17,981
Uh, well, technically,
uh, what I...
321
00:19:18,101 --> 00:19:19,983
Oh, you didn't know?
322
00:19:21,386 --> 00:19:23,463
This is awkward.
323
00:19:24,370 --> 00:19:27,598
Open mouth, remove pie,
insert foot.
324
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,095
So, I'm your second choice?!
325
00:19:30,215 --> 00:19:34,358
No, d-doesn't matter who was second.
Uh, y-you were the first to say yes!
326
00:19:34,871 --> 00:19:38,901
I will be the first to say yes
to seconds of this pie.
327
00:19:39,536 --> 00:19:40,728
You are unbelievable!
328
00:19:40,848 --> 00:19:43,118
No, the important thing is
that we found each other again.
329
00:19:43,238 --> 00:19:46,459
And you're willing to settle for me,
and I'm willing to settle for you.
330
00:19:46,579 --> 00:19:48,017
Settle for this.
331
00:19:53,347 --> 00:19:55,111
I'm a good friend.
332
00:20:02,045 --> 00:20:03,094
Hey. How's it going?
333
00:20:03,214 --> 00:20:05,635
Good. Thanks again
for the potter's wheel.
334
00:20:05,755 --> 00:20:08,696
It's the least I could do.
I cost you a wife.
335
00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:10,881
I'm just glad
you, uh, came to your senses.
336
00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:14,178
Yeah, I was just scared. Didn't want
to spend the rest of my life alone.
337
00:20:15,123 --> 00:20:17,623
Hey, as long as I'm around,
you'll never be alone.
338
00:20:18,226 --> 00:20:20,733
Ah, thanks, buddy.
Oh, shoot. Aah!
339
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,389
Oh, here. Let me help
you out with that.
340
00:20:47,881 --> 00:20:49,425
Thank God, it was just a dream.
341
00:20:49,545 --> 00:20:51,822
Are you okay, baby?
Did you have a nightmare?
342
00:20:57,906 --> 00:20:59,835
I got to get him out of here.