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Previously on two and a half men...
I'm dead.
2
00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:06,872
You're in the hospital.
You had a mild heart attack.
3
00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:08,040
I almost died, alan.
4
00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:09,708
But the important thing is
you didn't.
5
00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:12,277
Other than you guys and my mom,
I got nobody.
6
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:13,612
At least you got jake.
7
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:15,080
I want to have a kid of my own.
8
00:00:15,082 --> 00:00:18,283
You are obviously more than qualified.
Thank you.
9
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:19,685
I'd start looking
at golden retriever puppies,
10
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:21,086
'cause there's no way
you're getting a baby.
11
00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:22,888
You're a single guy,
and the system
12
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,356
Is really geared
towards married couples.
13
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,759
Alan harper, will you marry me?
14
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♪ Men. ♪
15
00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:33,432
Wait. You seriously
want to marry me?
16
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:34,833
Yes.
17
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,869
Alan jerome harper,
18
00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:39,438
Would you be my wi...?
19
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,775
Hus...?
20
00:00:42,777 --> 00:00:44,109
Life buddy?
21
00:00:44,111 --> 00:00:46,245
Okay, I'm a little confused.
22
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:50,249
And not like the time I-I got
that massage from that lady-boy.
23
00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:53,952
Look, I want to adopt a kid,
24
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:57,056
And the quickest way for me
to do that is to get married.
25
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,224
And if I'm gonna
settle for someone,
26
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,060
It might as well be you.
27
00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:03,896
That's exactly what
my first wife said.
28
00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:06,665
Listen, I-I know
this sounds crazy,
29
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:10,202
But you would be doing me
the biggest favor of my life.
30
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,703
Walden, there are
literally millions of women
31
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,839
Who would marry you
at the drop of a hat.
32
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,441
Yeah, but I wouldn't be
half as happy
33
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,476
With any of them
as I would be with you.
34
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,244
Go on.
35
00:01:21,848 --> 00:01:24,983
When-when I think of
the ten things I want in a wife,
36
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,785
You have nine of them.
37
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,021
You're my best friend,
you're trustworthy,
38
00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:32,324
You're loving, you're smart,
you'll never leave me.
39
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,993
Married or not, till
death do us part.
40
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:37,162
You're funny,
you're understanding.
41
00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:39,698
You don't care
if I leave the toilet seat up.
42
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,500
I actually prefer it.
43
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,635
Although, the other night,
I forgot it was up,
44
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,237
And I had a surprise
splash-down.
45
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:50,142
I was like a turtle on its back.
46
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,310
Right there. That's another one.
47
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:52,511
As long as you're around,
48
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:55,147
I will never be the most
awkward guy in the room.
49
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,915
So, what's the one thing
50
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:59,818
You want in a wife
that I don't have?
51
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:01,687
Oh. Right, right.
52
00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:04,590
I-I do not have
one of those.
53
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:06,358
I barely have one of these.
54
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:11,296
I mean, how would
this work exactly?
55
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:13,832
I mean, we're gonna
pretend to be a couple?
56
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,501
We wouldn't pretend.
57
00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:18,504
We're actually going
to be a same-sex married couple.
58
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:22,107
And like most married couples,
we will not have sex.
59
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:25,811
Not even on my birthday?
60
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:29,548
Sorry, sorry... Flashback
to the first wife.
61
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,783
So, so, I can have
crazy, anonymous sex
62
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,685
With any woman I want?
63
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:36,955
No. You will still be you.
64
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:39,424
Oh.
65
00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,829
Mr. Alan harper-schmidt.
66
00:02:45,398 --> 00:02:47,466
Dr. Alan schmidt.
67
00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:48,800
What are you doing?
68
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:51,937
Oh, just trying
to see what sounds best.
69
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,839
Yes, mr. And mr. Harper-schmidt,
70
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,374
Welcome back
to the four seasons.
71
00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:57,342
Your ocean front suite is ready.
72
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,545
Okay, cut the schmidt.
73
00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:02,114
Oh, yeah, I'd have
to put up with that schmidt.
74
00:03:02,116 --> 00:03:04,116
But you know what?
I'm gonna own it.
75
00:03:04,118 --> 00:03:05,684
I don't give a schmidt.
76
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:08,220
What are you saying?
77
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,856
I'm saying, yes, I'll marry you,
you big dumb schmidt.
78
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,691
(laughing)
79
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,960
Ah.
80
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:18,263
Oh, please tell me that's
chapstick in your pocket.
81
00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:21,133
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
82
00:03:21,135 --> 00:03:23,969
♪ Ah. ♪ men. ♪ men.
83
00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,141
♪ Men. ♪
84
00:03:29,143 --> 00:03:30,375
(doorbell rings)
85
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:30,976
Hi, mom.
Thanks for coming over.
86
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,412
What is so important
87
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:36,582
That I had to leave halfway
through my bikini wax?
88
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,784
I look like a black
and white cookie.
89
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:44,590
Wow. In one fell swoop, there
goes cookies and vaginas.
90
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:48,627
What's going on?
91
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:50,862
Is this another intervention?
92
00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:54,833
For the millionth time, I do not
have a drinking problem.
93
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:57,135
No, evelyn.
It's-it's a celebration.
94
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,337
Well, in that case,
95
00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,539
I'll have a double martini
and hold the vermouth.
96
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:02,541
Hello. I'm robin.
I'm walden's mother.
97
00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:04,376
Oh, how nice
to finally meet you.
98
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:07,646
You have a wonderful son
and amazing breasts.
99
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:09,214
Who did them?
100
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:10,482
God?
101
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:12,517
Well, he's still the best.
102
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:15,587
Although dr. Schenkman
runs a close second.
103
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:18,323
They are lovely.
104
00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:21,627
Okay, can everyone stop talking
about my mom's boobs? God.
105
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:25,030
Oh, my god, that's why I had
so many friends in high school.
106
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:28,500
So, what's the big announcement?
107
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,569
Uh... Well...
(chuckles)
108
00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:32,571
Alan and I...
109
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:34,573
We're getting married!
110
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:36,908
Dude! What the hell! We
agreed I was gonna say it.
111
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,543
Sorry, sorry.
I'm just so excited.
112
00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:42,648
Uh, no offense, but
can't you do better than alan?
113
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:46,685
Back up. You are marrying him?
114
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:48,687
Yup.
115
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,656
Ow! What was
that for?
116
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:52,424
For marrying zippy.
117
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,092
Hey! Why are you
hitting me?!
118
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,561
For being zippy.
119
00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:58,363
This sounds great,
except for one thing.
120
00:04:58,365 --> 00:04:59,798
You guys aren't gay.
121
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,500
No, we're not gay.
122
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:03,302
We are getting
married because...
123
00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:05,704
It'll make it easier
for him to adopt a child!
124
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,372
Aah, come on!
125
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:08,774
Uh, thank you, berta.
126
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,342
Robin:
Hold on.
127
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:11,677
You want a child?
128
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,712
Yes. I've been doing
a lot of thinking
129
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:15,914
About my life, and I believe
130
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:18,450
That having a kid would
add more meaning to it.
131
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:20,719
Parenthood can be
very rewarding.
132
00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:22,821
Some of the time.
133
00:05:24,457 --> 00:05:26,558
So, this marriage
is just a sham?
134
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,994
I didn't March in all
of those gay rights parades
135
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:32,531
So you guys could make a mockery
of our hard-won civil liberties.
136
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:33,732
You marched in those parades
137
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,701
So you could get drunk
and pick up chicks.
138
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:39,204
Hard-won chicks.
139
00:05:39,206 --> 00:05:41,573
All right, look, we're not
making a mockery of anything,
140
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:44,209
And I get the challenges
that gay couples face,
141
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:47,245
But I-I also know that there
are a lot of kids out there
142
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:49,314
That are just looking
for a good home,
143
00:05:49,316 --> 00:05:51,249
And I think we can provide that.
144
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,251
And I get health insurance.
145
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,487
You guys are lucky
you're in california.
146
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:58,223
In some states, they still don't
let gay couples get married
147
00:05:58,225 --> 00:05:59,624
Or adopt kids.
148
00:05:59,626 --> 00:06:01,293
You know, when I was in utah,
149
00:06:01,295 --> 00:06:04,663
I vomited on a police officer,
and I was arrested.
150
00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:08,166
Simply for being gay.
151
00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:12,003
Wow, this is a lot to take in.
152
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:15,073
My son is going to get married
and have a child with...
153
00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:19,878
Oh, god, where...
Where did I go wrong?
154
00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:24,216
♪ Men. ♪
155
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:28,019
Oh, there he is,
my same-sex shorty.
156
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,823
My friend with no benefits.
157
00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:35,127
My boo.
158
00:06:35,129 --> 00:06:38,597
You know, I do have 99 problems,
and you're all of them.
159
00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:42,134
What's all this?
160
00:06:42,136 --> 00:06:43,468
Uh, oh, I'm, uh...
161
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:45,637
I'm making a dream
board for our wedding.
162
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:47,205
Uh, there's also
a pinterest page,
163
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,975
Or you can go to: Alan
and walden's big day dot com.
164
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:52,444
Yeah, I got the link
you sent me.
165
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,980
Uh, I really loved
the photoshopped picture
166
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,182
Of both us peeking
around the same tree.
167
00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:01,987
However, you know,
168
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:04,790
We're not doing, like,
a big, lavish wedding.
169
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,358
Oh, okay, I get it.
170
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,093
You know,
small destination wedding.
171
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:11,029
Just the two of us, the beach,
wearing leis around our necks,
172
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:13,765
Matching linen shirts,
sand tickling our toes.
173
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,768
Seagulls flying overhead.
174
00:07:17,904 --> 00:07:20,939
Ca-kaw! Ca-kaw!
175
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:24,276
And where do you see this
happening?
176
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:27,746
Well, obviously,
there's hawaii and cabo.
177
00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,247
Um,
178
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,149
I'd be happy
with either one of those.
179
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:34,119
Um, but I hear that greece is
fabulous this time of year.
180
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,621
And just fyi, mykonos is very
friendly to same-sex couples.
181
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,156
Opa!
182
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:42,027
Nopa!
183
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:43,929
We're getting married
in the courthouse.
184
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:46,765
Please tell me "the courthouse"
is a chic bar in ibiza.
185
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,733
No, it's a rundown courthouse
186
00:07:48,735 --> 00:07:50,702
Around the corner
from the jiffy lube.
187
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:51,970
We'll pay 50 bucks,
188
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,605
We'll do some paperwork,
189
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:55,407
And if you're good,
we'll go outside
190
00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:57,843
To the food truck,
and I'll buy you a gyro.
191
00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:00,445
Opa!
192
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,080
Oh.
193
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,282
Okay. I see.
194
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,218
What's wrong?
195
00:08:06,220 --> 00:08:08,353
Nothing.
196
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:10,355
(sighs)
talk to me.
197
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:12,023
No, it's fine.
198
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,092
You know, I just
wanted to make sure
199
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:15,894
This whole thing
was special for us,
200
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,163
For you, but, you know,
it's no big deal.
201
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,599
I'm sure we can
still make it special.
202
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,634
Maybe, uh... Maybe jenny
can take some pictures
203
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,636
On her iphone.
204
00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:26,905
Alan, come on.
205
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,974
Don't touch me.
206
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,045
Look, this isn't about us.
207
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,381
It's about bringing
a kid into our lives.
208
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,617
It's a simple
business transaction,
209
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:41,253
Like paying an electric bill,
or buying dinner, or...
210
00:08:41,255 --> 00:08:43,255
Writing a rent check.
211
00:08:43,257 --> 00:08:46,758
Stop me when I land on something
you've actually done.
212
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,126
I just got excited
213
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,828
Because I've never had the
wedding I always dreamed of.
214
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:54,332
Right, the wedding
that every little boy dreams of.
215
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:59,104
You know, we still need
to get each other rings.
216
00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:01,306
We can just get something
online.
217
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:04,910
Or we could go into
beverly hills and have brunch,
218
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,978
And go ring shopping together.
219
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,347
Really?
220
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,916
Sure.
221
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:13,585
Because I do have ideas.
222
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:17,822
♪ Men. ♪
223
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:19,558
Alan:
Hey, berta,
224
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,226
Do we have any carrots?
225
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:24,162
Oh, wait. I've got 14 karats
of white gold
226
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:25,730
Right here.
227
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:29,034
You'll make a beautiful
bride, zippy.
228
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:31,770
Hey. Hey, there's my
future baby daddy!
229
00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:35,574
If I got to listen to this,
I got to be a lot higher.
230
00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:41,580
Hey, uh, I got some paperwork
for you to sign.
231
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,882
Oh, uh, and I've got some
paperwork for you to sign.
232
00:09:43,884 --> 00:09:46,484
Guess it's true. Married couples
do start to think alike.
233
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:50,755
Maybe soon, we'll start to
look alike, he said hopefully.
234
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,525
It's the application form
for our marriage license.
235
00:09:53,527 --> 00:09:56,127
Oh, look at you.
Yeah.
236
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:58,063
I guess somebody's
gonna get that money
237
00:09:58,065 --> 00:09:59,965
For that mani-pedi
he wants after all.
238
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,866
Ah, you spoil me.
239
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:04,202
No, I'm just trying to be
a good business partner.
240
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:07,105
The johnson to your johnson.
241
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,373
Wait, that-that
didn't come out right.
242
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,442
So, uh... So what do
you need me to sign?
243
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,911
Uh, just this.
244
00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:14,946
Oh. What's that?
(laughs)
245
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,415
Oh, it's a simple dissolution
of services agreement.
246
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:22,153
Oh! Oh, you-you mean,
like a... Like a prenup?
247
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,522
Yup. So, it's not a big deal.
248
00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:28,126
Just go ahead and sign it,
he said hopefully.
249
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,395
Why do we need a prenup?
250
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:31,930
And here we go.
251
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,264
Uh...
252
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,133
When couples get married,
253
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,002
Finances become complicated,
254
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:39,304
And this just simplifies it.
255
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:40,772
Oh, does it?
256
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,741
'Cause it seems like
it's pretty simple right now.
257
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:43,942
You don't trust me.
258
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:45,677
Okay, that's not true at all.
259
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:46,911
Isn't it?
260
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:49,314
I mean, is this what
you really think of me?
261
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:52,250
That I'm some kind
of gold digger?
262
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:55,854
Okay, yes, I have lived here
four years rent-free.
263
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,223
Look, why do you have
to make this difficult?
264
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,692
You know, why do you make
everything so difficult?
265
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:03,161
It's like yesterday at brunch,
when you sent back the champagne
266
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,931
Because the bubbles didn't taste
like "a mouthful of stars."
267
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:09,834
If it doesn't explode in
your mouth, what's the point?
268
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,772
You said that to the waiter,
too, and it was troubling then!
269
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:16,508
Look, I'm just trying
to protect my assets.
270
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:19,277
Oh-oh, yeah? Well, then maybe I
should protect my assets. You know,
271
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,613
Don't worry, I'm pretty sure
that your vhs copy
272
00:11:21,615 --> 00:11:23,748
Of dirty dancing
and your complete collection
273
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,418
Of ghostbusters trading cards
are safe.
274
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:30,088
I am a collector
of '80s movie memorabilia.
275
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:33,658
And hobby mocking is not
an attractive color on you.
276
00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:36,561
Hobby mocker.
277
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:39,698
I also have one other asset
that you cannot have,
278
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,199
My dignity.
279
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,434
Your dignity?!
Mm-hmm.
280
00:11:42,436 --> 00:11:44,069
Your dignity...?
Yes.
281
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:46,004
Really? 'cause I'm pretty sure
that the security guard
282
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:48,073
At the shopping mall had
to remove the bench
283
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:51,109
From outside of victoria's
secret because of you!
284
00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:54,079
Mall flogger!
285
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,815
I got to tell you, I'm having a
lot of second thoughts right now.
286
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:59,284
Really? Because this is exactly where
I want to be in my life, mm-hmm.
287
00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:02,353
Begging a 47-year-old man
to marry me.
288
00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:04,823
Now sign the prenup!
289
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,825
I agreed to marry you,
but that doesn't mean you get
290
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,426
To shove whatever you want
down my throat
291
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,061
And expect me to swallow it!
292
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:13,064
Do-do you... Do you even hear
293
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,400
The words that you are saying?!
294
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,269
How about these words?
The wedding's off!
295
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:20,939
(crying)
296
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:26,745
I can't even get alan harper
to marry me.
297
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:30,482
♪ Men. ♪
298
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:36,387
♪ Men. ♪
Boy, this better be important.
299
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,890
I just saw you two days ago.
300
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:41,626
Walden and I broke up.
The-the wedding is off.
301
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:42,694
Oh, alan.
302
00:12:42,696 --> 00:12:44,696
You had a rich husband
on the hook
303
00:12:44,698 --> 00:12:46,231
And you couldn't reel him in.
304
00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:48,800
What happened?
305
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:51,703
Well, he asked me to sign
a prenup and I refused.
306
00:12:51,705 --> 00:12:54,305
Well, of course you refused.
307
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:58,143
The woman I paid to raise you
did not raise a fool.
308
00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,644
Mom, I don't want his money.
309
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:04,883
Never say that again.
310
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,217
Is that a new ring?
311
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,052
Feels like cartier.
312
00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:10,588
Yes, it is.
And you know who gave it to me?
313
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:11,956
My rich husband.
314
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:15,460
When marty and I married, the
only thing I was willing to sign
315
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:18,630
Was his "do not resuscitate"
order.
316
00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:21,633
Walden says this wedding is just
a-a business transaction.
317
00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,568
H-how many business
transactions end
318
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:26,671
With the release of
grand monarch butterflies?
319
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:28,807
Darling, it is just business.
320
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:31,810
He's using you
to get what he wants,
321
00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:34,679
And you should be using him
to get what you want:
322
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:36,681
Financial security.
323
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:38,416
I'm not doing it for
financial security.
324
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:40,084
Walden genuinely wants a child,
325
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:43,054
The same way that I wanted
jake and-and you wanted...
326
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,089
Charlie.
327
00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:46,925
I just thought that
after four years together
328
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,526
That he would trust me
when it comes to money.
329
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:52,397
Oh, darling, after 47 years,
I don't trust you.
330
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:55,333
Maybe, uh, a-a
prenup is justified.
331
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,068
Maybe I am just a sponge.
332
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,270
A-a-a parasite.
333
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:03,541
And-and he tolerates me
because he's my best friend.
334
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:05,610
And I've let him down,
335
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:08,413
And all I want to
do is make him happy.
336
00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:10,415
"Best friend."
337
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,083
"happy."
338
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,786
I just have no idea where
you got these warped views
339
00:14:14,788 --> 00:14:16,321
On marriage.
340
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:17,856
He wouldn't sign a prenup?
341
00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:21,192
No, he got all upset
and he threw a hissy fit.
342
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,661
"You don't trust me.
The wedding's off.
343
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:27,198
I'm going to
ibiza by myself."
344
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,400
Let's face it, the man
is simply not your equal.
345
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:31,669
If the two of you were
on a plane that crashed
346
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:35,506
In the mountains, alan would be
the first person eaten.
347
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:37,108
On the other hand,
348
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,843
You're handsome,
successful, smart.
349
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:41,279
You would be eaten last.
350
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:44,883
You're just saying I'd be eaten
last 'cause you're my mom.
351
00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:47,819
Well, listen, I know you're
serious about this child thing,
352
00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:51,723
So I mentioned your situation
to a very cute intern at work.
353
00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:54,692
You didn't. Oh, jessica's very
amenable to striking a business deal.
354
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:56,027
(sighs)
plus,
355
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,296
She's already visited
dr. Schenkman,
356
00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,764
If you know what I mean.
357
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:02,700
Mom, that's exactly
what I don't want.
358
00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:04,369
I don't even know this jess...
359
00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:07,105
Holy schenkman.
360
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,107
Look, I-I w...
361
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:16,614
No, she'd be eaten first.
362
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:19,717
Look, no, I want
someone that I can trust.
363
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:22,086
That's why I picked alan
in the first place.
364
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,088
How can you possibly trust him?
365
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,224
He siphons gas out of your car.
366
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:27,625
Technically, I never caught him.
367
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:29,027
I just assumed that he did it
368
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:30,695
'cause the garden hose smelled
like gas
369
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,363
And one time he burped
near a candle
370
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,565
And it lit the couch on fire.
371
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,602
I don't know why you ever let alan
live with you in the first place.
372
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,504
Uh, for starters,
he saved my life.
373
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:42,173
And... He's been
there for me,
374
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:46,778
Every time that I needed him
and even times when I didn't.
375
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:49,180
The bottom line is...
376
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:51,249
He's my best friend.
377
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:52,350
Jessica could be
your best friend.
378
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,485
I'm not going out with jessica.
379
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,087
Fine. I get it.
380
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:58,423
I do have another intern
that you might like better.
381
00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:00,325
His name is derek.
He does pilates...
382
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:02,160
Mom, I'm not gay!
383
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,295
I-I just want to marry a man.
384
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:07,765
Why is that so difficult
to understand?
385
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,834
♪ Men. ♪
386
00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:12,937
Hey.
387
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:15,106
Hey.
388
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,709
Listen...
About earlier...
389
00:16:17,711 --> 00:16:20,712
Uh, that-that's,
that's my fault.
390
00:16:20,714 --> 00:16:23,715
I-I totally get why I need
to sign a prenup.
391
00:16:23,717 --> 00:16:26,384
I mean, there's guys standing
at freeway onramps
392
00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:28,386
That make more money than I do.
393
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:31,289
You know what,
you don't need to sign it.
394
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,291
Despite my mother's objections
395
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:35,159
And despite everything
I've learned from...
396
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,362
Two seasons of basketball wives,
397
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:39,364
I trust you completely.
398
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:40,965
That's nice, but, uh,
399
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,735
I already signed it
and sent it to your attorney.
400
00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:44,736
Really?
401
00:16:44,738 --> 00:16:47,205
Thank you. I-I owe you.
402
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,606
You owe me nothing.
403
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,608
I mean, other than two dollars
for the envelope
404
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,977
And $1.75 for postage.
405
00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:54,579
Nothing for gas?
406
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:56,647
No, I just filled up.
407
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:04,355
Will you still be my husband?
408
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,657
You know I can't quit you.
409
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:07,925
Listen, I-I know
this isn't the wedding
410
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:09,327
That you've always dreamed of,
411
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:12,163
But I-I got a little surprise
for you for the ceremony.
412
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:15,500
Tell me vera wang
started making tuxes.
413
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:16,901
Even better.
414
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:21,072
♪ When a man loves another man
415
00:17:22,674 --> 00:17:24,675
♪ can't keep his mind
on nothing else... ♪
416
00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:28,379
Oh... My... God.
417
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,348
It's like you live
inside my dreams.
418
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:33,184
Happy wife, happy life.
419
00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:35,119
Uh, fellas, can
we get this going?
420
00:17:35,121 --> 00:17:37,321
There's a lot of gay couples
here who'd like to get married
421
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:39,657
Before the supreme court
changes its mind.
422
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:41,993
Plus, this place
is crawling with cops,
423
00:17:41,995 --> 00:17:44,462
And I've got six months
to a year hidden in my purse.
424
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:47,598
♪ When a man loves
another man ♪
425
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,167
Kill it, bolton.
426
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:53,971
Hello, michael.
427
00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:56,207
You know, I have a vibrator
named after you.
428
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,775
Well, that's very flattering.
429
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,310
Would you like me to sign it?
430
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,312
I have a special pen.
431
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:03,781
What a coincidence.
432
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,450
I have a bit of a nasty habit
433
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:08,186
Of putting the tips
of pens into my mouth.
434
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:12,690
We're here
to join walden schmidt
435
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:15,359
And alan harper
in legal marriage.
436
00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:17,295
Have you two written
your own vows?
437
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:18,563
No, the, uh, standard...
The standard
438
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:21,199
"for richer, for poorer"
actually fits us quite well.
439
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:22,233
Actually,
440
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:24,669
I've written
a little something down.
441
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,370
What? You didn't.
442
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:27,672
I wanted to surprise you.
443
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:29,674
(chuckles)
vows and bolton?
444
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:30,875
♪ When a man...
445
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,443
Not the cue, bolton.
446
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:37,081
Today,
447
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:38,916
I'm marrying my best friend.
448
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:40,585
Do not cry.
449
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:43,488
Keep it together, alan.
(clears throat)
450
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,491
In the last four years,
I've been through a lot.
451
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:50,695
Uh, there's been good times
and bad times.
452
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:54,198
But through it all,
you were there.
453
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:58,102
And I can't imagine
a future without you.
454
00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:03,007
I guess what I'm trying
to say is...
455
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,675
I love you.
456
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:06,377
(voice breaking):
I love you, too.
457
00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:14,485
This is the gayest wedding
I've ever been to.
458
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,487
I think it's beaut...
Wh-whose hand is on my ass?
459
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,656
Sorry.
Sorry.
460
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,625
Walden,
461
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:23,628
Do you take alan to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
462
00:19:24,596 --> 00:19:26,764
I do.
463
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:29,333
And, alan, do you take walden
to be your...
464
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,801
Try and stop me.
465
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:33,237
I now pronounce you married.
466
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,040
You may kiss.
467
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,375
Oh. Oh, yeah.
468
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,844
Um, kiss. Right.
(chuckles)
469
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,045
Let's...
470
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:42,380
Aw, what the hell.
471
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,015
(chuckles)
472
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:51,489
♪ when a man loves
another man... ♪
473
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:56,427
♪ Men. ♪
Morning.
474
00:19:56,429 --> 00:20:00,831
Hey. There's the old
balls and chain.
475
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,834
How was your wedding night?
476
00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:05,369
Much like my first one.
477
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:08,439
I spent it masturbating alone.
478
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,107
You're the only guy I know
479
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:13,778
That would register
for lotion and tissues.
480
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:16,314
That was some party
last night, huh?
481
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:19,250
Yeah, it must have been.
I woke up out here.
482
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:21,519
And I'm pretty sure I'm
wearing jenny's underwear.
483
00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,187
Yeah.
484
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:27,225
The whole evening's
a little fuzzy for me, too.
485
00:20:28,627 --> 00:20:30,761
The last thing I remember
is you doing body shots
486
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:33,564
Off of michael bolton.
487
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,834
All of us did body shots
off of michael bolton.
488
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,475
Even our moms got along.
489
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:46,310
I wasn't sure they'd
click at first, but...
490
00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:48,312
In the end, they came together.
491
00:20:48,314 --> 00:20:50,648
♪ When a man
492
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:53,718
♪ loves two women...