1
00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:03,335
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

2
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:04,536
Okay, here it is.

3
00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,305
This is louis' first
science fair project.

4
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:07,306
You're gonna love it.

5
00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:08,507
Wow.

6
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,309
Louis made this all by himself.

7
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:11,944
Last time I was here,

8
00:00:11,946 --> 00:00:14,680
He got the straw from his
juice box stuck in his nose.

9
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:17,082
He also got it unstuck.

10
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:19,785
Uh, check it out.

11
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:22,287
So, uh, so we'll take
a piece of bread, all right?

12
00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:24,490
Put it in the mouth,

13
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:26,492
Where the saliva will
start to dissolve the bread.

14
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,060
And then it'll travel
down to the stomach,

15
00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:32,064
Where the acids will break down
the complex carbohydrates.

16
00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:34,500
At which point it will
move past the appendix,

17
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:36,902
Which does nothing.

18
00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,971
Yeah, we should rename
that the alan.

19
00:00:38,973 --> 00:00:41,707
Uh, and then it'll go
to the small intestines,

20
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,242
The large intestines,
where finally...

21
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:44,476
(imitates flatulence)

22
00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:49,314
Oh, dear god.

23
00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:51,150
Uh, no, it's okay,
it's a hershey's kiss.

24
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:55,687
So the reason I came
over is to tell you--

25
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,256
We are ready to start
the final steps

26
00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,191
For you to officially
adopt louis.

27
00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:02,661
Oh, my god, I'm gonna
hershey's kiss my pants.

28
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:05,364
But before the
adoption is final,

29
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,900
I want you to tell louis
you two aren't gay.

30
00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:10,069
Are you sure that this is
the best time to do that?

31
00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,503
I mean, I haven't even
talked to him

32
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:12,905
About the birds
and the bees,

33
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,706
Let alone the bees
and the bees.

34
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:17,109
I know there is never
a perfect time

35
00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:20,145
To tell your son his two dads
aren't gay...

36
00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:24,083
...But it'll be more harmful
the longer you wait.

37
00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:26,085
Yeah, but it's just,
like, h-how do I tell him?

38
00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:28,253
Um, does hallmark make
a "sorry, son,

39
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:30,222
It turns out
I'm straight" card?

40
00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:32,024
You've been a fantastic father
so far.

41
00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:33,625
I am confident
you will handle this

42
00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:35,060
With the utmost attention
and care.

43
00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,061
Alan:
Walden?

44
00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:38,097
Him I'm worried about.

45
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,064
Sorry I'm late.

46
00:01:39,066 --> 00:01:40,265
Uh, I took louis
to the mall

47
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:41,467
To get him some
new school clothes.

48
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:43,102
He's trying them on
right now.

49
00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:46,205
Plus there was a new kiosk
that will bedazzle anything.

50
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,507
Got an iphone case for my boo.

51
00:01:49,742 --> 00:01:52,044
Now, I'm gonna bedazzle
your cheek with some sugar.

52
00:01:52,046 --> 00:01:53,445
(chuckles dryly)

53
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:57,449
Alan, as your social worker,
I cannot accept gifts.

54
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,318
And as your "boo,"
hell no.

55
00:02:00,653 --> 00:02:03,088
I can't believe
I'm just realizing this,

56
00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:05,257
But the perfect person
to date a social worker

57
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:07,059
Is a needy child.

58
00:02:07,061 --> 00:02:09,328
We were just discussing
that it would be

59
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,163
In the best interest
of louis to tell him

60
00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:12,798
You two aren't actually gay.

61
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,800
Oh, I agree
100 percent.

62
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:17,236
I mean, it's not like anyone was
buying either one of us

63
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,804
As a gay man anyway.

64
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,406
Ooh, that top is
fierce, girl. Rawr.

65
00:02:23,176 --> 00:02:25,577
Louis, could you come
in here for a second?

66
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,179
Oh, oh, we're doing
it right now?

67
00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:30,682
(sighs) it will be such a relief
to discontinue this charade.

68
00:02:35,955 --> 00:02:37,789
What are you wearing?

69
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:42,094
Alan says between business
casual and country club chic.

70
00:02:42,096 --> 00:02:43,328
Now turn around.

71
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:49,268
He's "bedazzle-ous."

72
00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:52,004
Okay, should we
tell him now?

73
00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:54,239
I don't think
he's gonna believe us.

74
00:02:56,276 --> 00:02:59,211
♪ men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

75
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,947
♪ ah.
♪ men.
♪ men.

76
00:03:05,952 --> 00:03:07,319
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

77
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,054
Oh, hey, berta.

78
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:11,056
I talked to louis.

79
00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:13,292
He said you guys told him
you're not gay.

80
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:16,528
Yeah, we didn't want
to lie to him anymore.

81
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,597
So now you're just
lying to yourself.

82
00:03:24,304 --> 00:03:27,072
Lyndsey?

83
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,808
Hi, alan. Can we talk?
Sure, come on in.

84
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,810
Uh, can I give you
a hand with your box?

85
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:34,246
Boy, I haven't said that
to you in a while.

86
00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:36,582
I'll say to you now
what I said to you then.

87
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,183
It's easier
if I just do it myself.

88
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,586
I was cleaning out
my house,

89
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,187
And I found some
of your old things.

90
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,189
Oh, look at
this stuff.

91
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,391
Oh, here's a picture from
our caribbean vacation.

92
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,927
Oh, remember how I got
stung by that jellyfish?

93
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:52,931
Of course I do-- you made me pee
on you to neutralize the pain.

94
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,267
Seems like you got stung
a lot on that vacation.

95
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,569
Did I?

96
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:58,670
Wow!

97
00:03:58,672 --> 00:03:59,671
Oh, look.

98
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,073
Wow, my old boom box.

99
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:04,243
Oh, and it still has that
mix cd I made for us.

100
00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:07,346
"now that's what I call
nasty, volume 69."

101
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:08,714
♪ a little bit of mary

102
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:10,349
Ah!
♪ all night long

103
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:12,251
♪ a little bit of jessica,
here I am ♪

104
00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:14,253
♪ a little bit of you
makes me your man... ♪

105
00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:15,721
"mambo no. 5."

106
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:17,256
(turns off music)

107
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:19,458
How did I ever let you
make love to me

108
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,293
While you sang
other women's names?

109
00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:24,263
Be fair, you used to
scream other guys' names.

110
00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:27,132
Anyway, I didn't come by
just to bring you your stuff.

111
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:31,370
I also wanted to tell you
that I've decided to move away.

112
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:32,738
Get a fresh start.

113
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:33,739
What?

114
00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:35,307
Uh, wh-where's
this coming from?

115
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,476
I've been thinking about it
for a while,

116
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,478
And there's nothing for me here.

117
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,313
I mean, most of my memories
involve a time

118
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:43,315
When I was drinking
really heavily,

119
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,283
And those aren't pretty.

120
00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:46,285
I mean, the bar
by my house has a drink

121
00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:47,719
Called "the lyndsey special."

122
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,721
It's a bottle of merlot,
a shot of vodka

123
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,658
And a scrunchie to hold your
hair back while you throw up.

124
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,893
So where do you think
you're gonna go?

125
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:57,396
Well, I have family
in arizona, so...

126
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,464
Not there.

127
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,667
Ah, you know, I just,
I can't believe it.

128
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:04,236
I mean, well, I hope you don't
forget about me completely.

129
00:05:04,238 --> 00:05:06,405
You're a hard person
to forget, alan harper.

130
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:07,406
I've tried.

131
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,174
Hence, "the lyndsey special."

132
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,342
Mm.

133
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,344
Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know.

134
00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:14,413
This is gonna
be so strange.

135
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:15,781
I mean, even when
we weren't together,

136
00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:17,582
It was nice knowing
you were nearby.

137
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:18,984
Ah, I know what you mean.

138
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,986
Well, this is it.

139
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,087
Good-bye, alan.

140
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,255
Good-bye, lyndsey.

141
00:05:23,257 --> 00:05:25,457
(both chuckle)

142
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:28,493
Are we really not gonna talk
about the 20 bucks you owe me?

143
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:32,130
I am really
gonna miss you.

144
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:33,699
I'll miss you, too.

145
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:41,840
Let's go
to your room.

146
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,275
Okay, great.

147
00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:45,043
Ow!
What's wrong?

148
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,479
I just got stung by a jellyfish
earlier, that's all.

149
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,481
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

150
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,483
♪ ...Jessica, here I am

151
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:54,052
♪ a little bit of you
makes me your... ♪

152
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,488
Yeah, still got it.

153
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:59,491
Sex is very different
when you're sober.

154
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,493
Now I really know
how long two minutes is.

155
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,128
It was a special occasion.

156
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:04,529
I wanted to give you
a little something extra.

157
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,531
Well, thank you.

158
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,700
This puts a nice cap
on our relationship.

159
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:11,503
Wait.

160
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,805
I can't have this be
the last time we make love.

161
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,375
The last time I put
on your panties.

162
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:18,543
The last time you say,
"no, not there,"

163
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,979
And I pretend
I was just confused.

164
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:22,347
Look, I'm not saying
I won't miss you,

165
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:23,982
But the fact is
you're married.

166
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,417
You're about to adopt a child.

167
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:26,585
That's my point.

168
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,587
The adoption is almost final,
and when it is,

169
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,589
Walden and I will get a divorce.

170
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:33,825
And I misspelled my name
on the prenup.

171
00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:37,529
We'll live like kings.

172
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:39,531
Are you really
asking me to stay?

173
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:42,534
Yes, I mean, we've shared
so much over the years.

174
00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:44,102
We can't just
throw it away like a...

175
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,104
A long-running hit
television show

176
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,407
That still pulls in
a pretty decent audience.

177
00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:52,377
I suppose it is something
to think about.

178
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:54,446
I mean, for the first time
in a long time,

179
00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:56,415
Neither one of us
is seeing anybody else.

180
00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:59,084
Hey, do you need a
bedazzled iphone case?

181
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,787
Wait, are you
seeing someone?

182
00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:04,389
(scoffs) yeah, yeah,
alan harper has two girlfriends.

183
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:05,390
(chuckles)

184
00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:06,591
What else do I have?

185
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,026
Good credit? Health insurance?

186
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,161
A job?

187
00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:12,864
This is a lot
to think about.

188
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,032
I'm gonna need
some time.

189
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,600
Of course,
take all the time you need.

190
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,402
Okay.

191
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,037
Look, I really do
need to go.

192
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,605
And I really do need
my panties back.

193
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:21,606
Oh.

194
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,408
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

195
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:24,476
Lyndsey:
Hey, walden.

196
00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:26,912
Lyndsey?

197
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:29,581
Uh, are you coming out
of alan's room?

198
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:30,482
Uh-huh.

199
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,583
You drinking again?

200
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:33,385
Do I need to take you
to a meeting?

201
00:07:33,387 --> 00:07:35,387
No, still sober.

202
00:07:35,389 --> 00:07:38,390
But I should apologize
for sleeping with your husband.

203
00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:39,958
Not the first time
I've said that.

204
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,092
See ya.

205
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,794
So, okay.
(mumbles)

206
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,296
Alan!

207
00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:47,065
Yeah?

208
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:49,067
Are you having sex with lyndsey

209
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,503
While you're sleeping
with our social worker?

210
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:55,073
Yeah, my pimp hand is strong.

211
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:57,275
No, it's not!

212
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,277
Look, look, this thing
with lyndsey just happened.

213
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,446
A-and, honestly,
I-I'm glad it did.

214
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:03,648
I-I really want her
to give us another shot.

215
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,183
What about ms. Mcmartin?!

216
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,785
Oh, we're not
that serious.

217
00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:09,087
Plus, she doesn't get me
like lyndsey gets me.

218
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,922
When I try to put
ms. Mcmartin's panties on,

219
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:12,991
She looks at me like
I'm some kind of weirdo.

220
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,627
Kind of like how I'm looking
at you right now?!

221
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,496
Look, I'm gonna see
ms. Mcmartin tonight,

222
00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:18,864
And I-I'll tell her
it's over.

223
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:21,466
She's gonna be upset--
nobody likes getting dumped.

224
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:22,634
Oh, she'll be fine.

225
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,469
I mean, you've seen
how she looks at me.

226
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:25,470
That's not love.

227
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:26,471
That's not even like.

228
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,039
That's-- if we run
into anyone I know,

229
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,441
I'm pretending that
you're my slow brother.

230
00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:31,510
Alan?
Mm-hmm.

231
00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:35,013
I want you to get your penis
out of my business.

232
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,016
Change "business"
to "turkey,"

233
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,451
Uh, and it's the story

234
00:08:39,453 --> 00:08:42,020
Of how a 13-year-old boy named
alan ruined thanksgiving.

235
00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:46,491
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

236
00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:48,226
What looks good?

237
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:49,895
And don't say
my boobs.

238
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:50,896
Cute.

239
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:51,897
Funny.

240
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,899
Boobs.

241
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:55,667
Um, can we talk?

242
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:56,635
What's wrong?

243
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:57,636
Is it the restaurant?

244
00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,037
It's not
too pricy, is it?

245
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,672
It only had
one dollar sign on yelp.

246
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,507
N-n-no, it's not that.

247
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:05,076
Um, although,
$14 for tilapia?

248
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,178
Sounds to me like a
beer-battered rip-off.

249
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:08,547
Then what's going on?

250
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:10,715
Here's the thing.

251
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:12,417
I really like you,
it's just that...

252
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:14,886
Oh, my god, are you
breaking up with me?

253
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,655
Wow, band-aid off.

254
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:17,656
Seriously?

255
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:18,657
You?

256
00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:19,658
Breaking up with me?

257
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:20,825
That?

258
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:22,527
Breaking up with this?

259
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:23,595
Hey, hey, there's
no need to point.

260
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,397
I mean, we both could
be in better shape.

261
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:27,499
Oh, there is only one person
at this table wearing spanx,

262
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:28,833
And it is not me.

263
00:09:28,835 --> 00:09:30,602
Could you keep it down?
People are starting to look.

264
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:31,570
Oh, well, they're
probably wondering

265
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,538
Why the old man
and his nurse are arguing.

266
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,574
Hey, I am not that
much older than you.

267
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:36,808
I'm 47.

268
00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:41,012
Great, you just lost
me my senior discount.

269
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:43,615
I knew dating you
was a bad idea.

270
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,250
Yes, exactly.

271
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,252
Louis and walden are
the priority here.

272
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,854
You and I should never have
complicated the adoption

273
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:51,256
With our unbridled
passion.

274
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,557
We should
have bridled.

275
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:53,725
This was so stupid.

276
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,260
I am so stupid.

277
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,695
No, you're not stupid.

278
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,430
You just let your unfettered
desire get the best of you.

279
00:09:58,432 --> 00:09:59,631
You should have fettered.

280
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:00,599
You know what?

281
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,600
You're right.

282
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:02,901
Ending this is
a good thing.

283
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,436
To be honest, I'm actually
a little relieved.

284
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,271
Of course you are, you
just dodged a bullet--

285
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:09,641
A cheap, middle-aged,
lactose-intolerant bullet.

286
00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:13,578
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪
(thunder rumbling)

287
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,213
(doorbell rings)

288
00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:19,217
(doorbell rings)

289
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:22,487
(doorbell rings twice)

290
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,555
What is going on?

291
00:10:23,557 --> 00:10:25,557
I have no idea.

292
00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:28,994
(doorbell ringing)

293
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,930
Surprise!

294
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,932
It's inspection time!

295
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,001
(thunder crashes)

296
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:38,303
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

297
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,608
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

298
00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:46,177
Look at these sharp corners
on this table.

299
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:47,846
No gate on the stairs.

300
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,781
I see a lot of problems here.

301
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,449
A lot of
problems.

302
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:53,852
A lot of problems.

303
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:57,455
Believe me,
I see the same problem.

304
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,858
And I would like to help you
get rid of your problem,

305
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:04,129
Even if that means dumping
the problem's body in the ocean.

306
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:06,598
If you think it's hard
getting me out of here alive,

307
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,533
Try getting rid
of my ghost.

308
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:11,703
Okay, obviously
this is not about the adoption.

309
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,004
This is about us.

310
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,273
Now, why don't we just
sit down and talk?

311
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,541
Look at this.

312
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:19,644
A weapon in the form of a toy?

313
00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:20,845
Is it loaded?

314
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,714
Yes, it is!

315
00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:24,115
You have to be careful.

316
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,784
You might hurt someone
you thought you cared about

317
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:26,718
But were horribly deceived by.

318
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:27,819
Okay, listen,

319
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:30,288
I understand
that you are very upset.

320
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:31,289
And I agree

321
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,825
That we should take this
out on alan.

322
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:36,127
Your railings on the
deck are too low,

323
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:38,163
There's no safety
glass on the fireplace

324
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,632
And you have
alcohol

325
00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:42,000
Within a child's reach.

326
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:44,369
We can, we can fix this.

327
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,337
See? All gone.

328
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,472
Ugh..

329
00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:48,740
What kind of wine is that?

330
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,309
Oh, uh, uh,
it's instant.

331
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,510
It comes in a packet.

332
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:53,712
Just add water.

333
00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,480
Uh, it's-it's like
astronaut wine.

334
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:58,683
And you're upset that
this guy broke up with you?

335
00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:00,085
The only thing
I'm upset about

336
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:02,821
Is the litany of violations
I found here tonight.

337
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:05,557
You have 48 hours
to address these issues.

338
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:06,725
Keep in mind:

339
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:09,394
I can stop by anytime I see fit.

340
00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:11,763
Anytime.

341
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:14,232
(thunder crashes)

342
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:18,870
Okay, say what you will,

343
00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:20,171
But that exit was cool.

344
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:21,706
Okay, you think she's angry now?

345
00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:23,441
What do you think
is gonna happen

346
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:24,776
When she finds out
about you and lyndsey?

347
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:27,545
Oh, oh, don't worry,
I'll apologize to ms. Mcmartin,

348
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,514
And then tomorrow, when I'm
having lunch with lyndsey,

349
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:30,682
I'll tell her we have to lay low

350
00:12:30,684 --> 00:12:31,783
Until the adoption
goes through.

351
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:32,917
No. I don't want you going

352
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,419
Anywhere near ms. Mcmartin.

353
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,254
But I think
I can help...
No!

354
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,856
You've already done
enough damage.

355
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,758
And I'm warning you,
you stay away.

356
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:40,925
I am a billionaire

357
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,862
And I can buy my way out
of at least one murder.

358
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,597
This is still america.

359
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:46,831
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

360
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:50,435
So, what looks good?

361
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,570
And don't say my boobs.

362
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,105
Why would I say "my boobs"

363
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,907
When it's your boobs
that I like?

364
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:56,941
(laughs)

365
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,476
Have you thought about us?

366
00:12:58,478 --> 00:12:59,911
Yes.

367
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:00,879
I want to give it a try.

368
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,046
Oh, you do?!

369
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:03,381
Oh, that is so great.
I know!

370
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,884
The rest of our life together
starts right now.

371
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,051
Yes!

372
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,887
Or in three weeks, when
I can see you again.

373
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:09,888
What?

374
00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:11,055
Oh, well, walden is worried

375
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:12,423
About the adoption.

376
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:13,958
He doesn't want there to be
any complications.

377
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,794
So he thinks I'll screw it up?

378
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,128
No, he thinks
I'll screw it up.

379
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,063
Oh, sure.

380
00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:20,899
So I just think
it's better if we lay low

381
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:21,900
Until after the court date.

382
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,434
I understand.

383
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,403
Is that why we drove
an hour away from the ocean

384
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:26,938
To go to a seafood restaurant?

385
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,840
Ah, that and...

386
00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:30,508
No corkage fee.

387
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:33,812
Ooh.

388
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:36,080
A pinot.

389
00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:40,752
Oh! Oh, you don't mind
if I drink, do you?

390
00:13:40,754 --> 00:13:43,822
I can honestly say
I've never been less tempted.

391
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:45,623
Good legs...

392
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,826
Mmm, full body...

393
00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:49,594
Goes down easy.

394
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:52,463
They should call this
"the lyndsey special."

395
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,866
Cute.

396
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:57,302
You know, I-I certainly
wouldn't want to do anything

397
00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:58,703
To jeopardize the adoption.

398
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:00,772
And taking it slow
is probably better for us, too.

399
00:14:00,774 --> 00:14:04,609
Oh! Lyndsey plus alan
equals "us."

400
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:05,877
Aw...
(laughs)

401
00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:08,346
Hello, alan.

402
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,849
(crashing)

403
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,217
Good god!

404
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:14,185
What-what are
you doing here?

405
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,855
And-and how do you keep making
these dramatic entrances?

406
00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:19,023
Who is this?

407
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,993
Oh. Uh, th-this
is-is lyndsey.

408
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,629
Uh, lyndsey, this
is ms. Mcmartin,

409
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:25,797
Our social
worker.

410
00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:30,001
Uh, remember, I told you
about her and the adoption?

411
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:33,905
Um, uh, lyndsey
is my cousin,

412
00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:37,475
Um, from cedar
rapids, iowa.

413
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:38,476
What?

414
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,578
So you make out
with your cousin?

415
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:43,815
I said she
was from iowa.

416
00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:45,717
Is this why you
broke up with me?

417
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:46,718
For her?

418
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,019
Hold on.

419
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,654
You're dating
your social worker?

420
00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:50,655
He was.

421
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:51,890
Till he dumped me last night.

422
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,258
Was it just
last night?

423
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:54,859
You said
you were single.

424
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,394
Did I say I was single?

425
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,162
Yeah.
Right after we had sex.

426
00:14:58,164 --> 00:14:59,931
Did we have sex?

427
00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:01,165
You had sex with her?

428
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,501
Did I have
sex with her?

429
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:04,636
You jackass!

430
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:09,741
(glass shatters)

431
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,609
Heh.

432
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:13,077
Chicks.
(chuckles)

433
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,179
Crazy in the head,
crazy in the bed, am I right?

434
00:15:17,349 --> 00:15:18,917
Oh, lyndsey... Lyndsey, wait!

435
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:24,055
I banged both of them.

436
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:25,123
Ain't no thang.

437
00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:29,127
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

438
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:32,397
Hey.

439
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,933
Oh, hey, did you, uh,
see lyndsey?

440
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,534
Uh, yes, I did.

441
00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:38,436
Uh, and she was totally cool
with taking it slow

442
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,604
Until the adoption is done.

443
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:40,772
Good. And thank you.

444
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,440
Yeah, you may not want
to thank me just yet.

445
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,641
Um...

446
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:48,079
Please tell me that
that is your blood

447
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:49,647
And not powdered wine.

448
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,282
I-it's not my fault.

449
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,318
Ms. Mcmartin showed up.
What?

450
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,053
She followed me.
She's gone crazy.

451
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:58,323
No, she hasn't "gone crazy."

452
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,725
You drove her crazy.

453
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,962
You make people crazy!

454
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:05,930
That-that's a little unfair.

455
00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:07,565
I mean,
I grant you that, you know,

456
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,434
Maybe it was a mistake
to sleep with her,

457
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:11,002
But when a woman has five cats,

458
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:13,304
She doesn't have
to be "made crazy."

459
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,472
You know what? You're right.

460
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,940
This-this-this is my fault.

461
00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:17,642
I'm the one
who made the mistake.

462
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:18,977
You are?
Yes.

463
00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:20,979
I mistakenly thought
that you were

464
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:23,514
A capable,
competent human being,

465
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,783
Able to handle
a simple situation

466
00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:30,121
Without destroying
the life of everyone around you.

467
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,756
Boy, if I had a dollar

468
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,958
For every time
someone has said that to me.

469
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,027
But seriously, seriously,
I-I will fix this.

470
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,329
(laughing):
Oh. Great.

471
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:39,697
You're gonna
fix this.
Yeah.

472
00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:41,532
I mean, why was I worried?

473
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:42,867
Have no fear!

474
00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:44,535
Alan is here!

475
00:16:46,472 --> 00:16:48,272
Hey! Hey, everyone!

476
00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:49,841
Don't worry!

477
00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,609
Alan's gonna fix it!

478
00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:54,812
Sailors at sea,

479
00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:57,849
Throw away your life vests!

480
00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:59,117
You don't need them!

481
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:03,254
'cause alan is gonna
fix everything!

482
00:17:17,836 --> 00:17:19,270
Maybe I do make people crazy.

483
00:17:22,007 --> 00:17:24,075
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

484
00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:29,814
Walden?
What are you doing here?

485
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:33,084
I am on the
"alan harper apology tour."

486
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:35,987
Uh, but this is gonna require

487
00:17:35,989 --> 00:17:37,021
A little bit of
audience participation.

488
00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:39,257
When I say "alan,"
you say "idiot."

489
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,092
Alan.
Idiot.

490
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:42,727
Alan.
Idiot.

491
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,095
This is fun. Come in.

492
00:17:46,098 --> 00:17:47,999
Wow, this is nice.

493
00:17:48,001 --> 00:17:50,902
And it doesn't smell
like cat urine at all.

494
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,670
So what do you want, walden?

495
00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:54,505
I realize that alan--

496
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:55,573
Idiot.

497
00:17:57,409 --> 00:18:01,079
Look, I-I realize that
he can do some stupid things.

498
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,281
And I'm-I'm sure you've seen
his helicopter dance,

499
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:05,583
Where he uses his penis
as the propeller.

500
00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:08,186
Actually, I haven't.

501
00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:10,421
Neither have I.

502
00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:14,559
I realize how angry
you must be with him.

503
00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:15,960
But that has nothing to do

504
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:17,528
With the kind of father
I can be to louis.

505
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:18,963
I know that.

506
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:19,964
It's just that alan--

507
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:20,965
Idiot.

508
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:22,366
Ha!

509
00:18:22,368 --> 00:18:24,135
He makes me crazy.

510
00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:25,136
I-I just said that!

511
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:27,071
In-in fact, I hit a lifeguard

512
00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:29,407
With a patio chair saying that.

513
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:31,409
Look, walden,
at the end of the day,

514
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,878
I'm not gonna let my anger
prevent a child

515
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,246
From being placed
in a good home.

516
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,380
Thank god.

517
00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:39,117
I just... I've never realized

518
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,219
How much another person
can mean to me.

519
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,354
That is so sweet.

520
00:18:44,389 --> 00:18:46,290
(sobbing):
Why can't anybody

521
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,192
Ever think that about me?

522
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:51,996
I am such
a loser!

523
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,632
No, you're not a loser,
ms. Mcmartin.

524
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,834
Yes, I am!

525
00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,736
I thought I hit rock bottom

526
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:01,973
By dating an old guy
who can't get a boner.

527
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:07,245
It turns out, rock bottom
is getting dumped

528
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:09,514
By the old guy
who can't get a boner.

529
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:13,251
What is wrong with me?

530
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:14,585
Nothing.

531
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:17,255
Come on, you're smart
and you're fun...

532
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,789
And, oh, by the way,

533
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,491
You are way too pretty for alan.

534
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,793
Oh. (laughs)

535
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:24,462
So are you.

536
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:25,530
See?

537
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,131
Now there's that smile.

538
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:28,799
Come on,
now, now...

539
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,801
Any guy would be lucky
to be with you.

540
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,470
Oh, you're just saying that.

541
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:33,838
No, you're awesome.

542
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,339
And what you do for a living,
helping those kids,

543
00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:36,774
Changing their lives,

544
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:38,843
Putting your hand
on my leg...

545
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:43,114
Wow.

546
00:19:43,116 --> 00:19:44,482
(giggles)

547
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,484
I can't believe this.

548
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,686
You're not
the only one.

549
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,188
I don't want you to worry.

550
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,556
I'm not going to let the fact

551
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,858
That we are in a relationship
affect louis.

552
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,360
Learned that lesson, am I right?

553
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:57,728
(laughs)

554
00:19:57,730 --> 00:20:00,031
Yeah.

555
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:02,233
Relationship.

556
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,001
Okay.

557
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,837
I am going
to go...
Where?

558
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,539
Where are you going?

559
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,175
To the bathroom.

560
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:13,211
Oh, okay.

561
00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:14,212
(giggles)

562
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:16,647
Hurry back.

563
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,183
(singsong):
I'll miss you.

564
00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:21,619
I'll miss you, too.

565
00:20:24,356 --> 00:20:26,424
Ooh, it's a little
chilly out there.

566
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,993
I'm gonna
grab my pants.

567
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:32,530
And my car keys.

568
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,999
♪ <i>men.</i> ♪

569
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,605
♪ take one step left
and one step right ♪

570
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:44,008
♪ one to the front
and one to the side ♪

571
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:45,843
♪ clap your hands once
and clap your hands twice ♪

572
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:46,944
Alan?
♪ and if it looks like this

573
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:48,246
♪ then you're doing it right

574
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,747
♪ a little bit of
alan:
♪ lyndsey.

575
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,349
♪ in my life

576
00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:52,383
♪ a little of bit of
alan:
♪ lyndsey.

577
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:55,453
♪ by my side...