1
00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:00,600
All right.

2
00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:08,250
So now what I'm going to do is I'm going to be walking through one paragraph and talking about problems

3
00:00:08,250 --> 00:00:09,450
with the paragraph.

4
00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:14,880
And also what do we need to do to upgrade the paragraph to make it better?

5
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:18,510
So I'm going to use one body paragraph to illustrate band seven plus writing.

6
00:00:19,390 --> 00:00:27,360
This will be done by walking through the step by step process of upgrading a paragraph according to

7
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:31,350
rubric requirements for Band seven plus writing.

8
00:00:31,530 --> 00:00:38,760
See if you understand the rubric and you understand what all the boxes mean for seven plus writing,

9
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:43,320
seven, eight, nine writing, and you understand how to do that.

10
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:47,460
Then you can write the kind of essay that the examiner wants.

11
00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:49,110
You know, that's your audience.

12
00:00:49,110 --> 00:00:53,790
Your audience is the examiner, and you have to understand your audience.

13
00:00:53,970 --> 00:00:56,370
What does my audience want, right?

14
00:00:56,370 --> 00:00:57,990
What is my audience looking for?

15
00:00:57,990 --> 00:01:00,510
Am I giving my audience what I'm looking for?

16
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,240
It's not about how good are your ideas?

17
00:01:08,260 --> 00:01:10,750
I don't care if Ezra has good ideas.

18
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:13,190
Does it matter if Ezra has good ideas?

19
00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:14,860
Care about the expression of them.

20
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,850
What's the quality of English in terms of how she's expressing them?

21
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:21,130
You care about if it's a good idea or not.

22
00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:27,110
All right, so look at this body paragraph.

23
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:37,420
So the first thing I want to know is what's the problem with this body paragraph?

24
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:42,710
Can you spot all of the weaknesses in this paragraph?

25
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:45,480
Right.

26
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,970
Why would this score below a six?

27
00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:57,930
If you want to make a list in the chat box of everything that is wrong with this paragraph, but don't

28
00:01:57,930 --> 00:01:59,250
do it word by word.

29
00:01:59,250 --> 00:02:04,800
Write everything, put it, put it, put everything that you think is wrong in one response.

30
00:02:05,190 --> 00:02:06,620
Don't put number one return.

31
00:02:06,630 --> 00:02:07,420
Number two, return.

32
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:08,190
Number three, return.

33
00:02:08,190 --> 00:02:09,570
Put it all together, please.

34
00:02:09,700 --> 00:02:10,020
Right.

35
00:02:10,020 --> 00:02:16,830
But make a list of everything that you think is wrong with this body paragraph.

36
00:02:16,830 --> 00:02:19,800
You should be able to look at this body paragraph.

37
00:02:20,660 --> 00:02:24,110
And be able to identify the problems.

38
00:02:24,290 --> 00:02:31,880
If you're able to identify the problems, that means that you're most likely not going to commit those

39
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,730
problems or make those mistakes.

40
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:36,440
Well, there's no problem with over linking.

41
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,240
There's no linking, really.

42
00:02:38,580 --> 00:02:38,730
All right.

43
00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:41,600
So Sunder sees all simple sentences.

44
00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:47,810
No, the controlling ideas, they're resale points out that we're using some of the same words over

45
00:02:47,810 --> 00:02:48,500
and over.

46
00:02:48,530 --> 00:02:50,030
That's a good point.

47
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:51,740
Same words.

48
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,120
Now we're only looking at a body paragraphs.

49
00:02:54,150 --> 00:02:55,220
Esther, what are you talking about?

50
00:02:55,250 --> 00:02:56,120
No intro.

51
00:02:57,650 --> 00:03:01,760
As for all we're looking at, is this one body paragraph be to prod.

52
00:03:01,970 --> 00:03:03,110
Good point.

53
00:03:03,230 --> 00:03:05,720
There's something missing from the topic sentence.

54
00:03:07,050 --> 00:03:07,740
Went home.

55
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:08,470
Good point.

56
00:03:08,490 --> 00:03:10,440
It doesn't bother addressing the question.

57
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,490
That's the problem.

58
00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:12,570
I don't know.

59
00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:16,170
I don't even know what f three sentence means.

60
00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:20,280
Now the technology is defined because it tells us the combustion engine.

61
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:20,580
Right.

62
00:03:20,580 --> 00:03:23,670
So we see the we see that in the in the topic sentence.

63
00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:30,270
What we're going to do is I'm going to now walk through it in terms of going through some of these problems

64
00:03:30,270 --> 00:03:31,470
step by step.

65
00:03:34,330 --> 00:03:37,690
Our first issue is with the topic sentence.

66
00:03:40,070 --> 00:03:44,510
Right now on its face, this topic sentence looks okay.

67
00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:51,520
But there is there is one aspect that is missing from the topic sentence.

68
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:52,760
Right.

69
00:03:52,790 --> 00:04:00,170
What is what is the one aspect or one part that is missing from the topic sentence?

70
00:04:00,710 --> 00:04:01,910
Does anybody know?

71
00:04:02,790 --> 00:04:05,250
What's missing from the topic sentence?

72
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:06,930
No.

73
00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:07,330
Okay.

74
00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:08,070
Who is that?

75
00:04:08,070 --> 00:04:09,630
But save the near.

76
00:04:09,630 --> 00:04:10,770
Understand?

77
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,890
The question is about what would you replace?

78
00:04:14,190 --> 00:04:15,420
What would you replace?

79
00:04:15,420 --> 00:04:16,050
Right.

80
00:04:16,350 --> 00:04:21,170
And so that's missing from the topic sentence, right?

81
00:04:21,180 --> 00:04:24,300
We have we have the technology here, the combustion engine.

82
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:31,290
But if a person reads this, if a person reads this topic sentence, will they have any idea that the

83
00:04:31,290 --> 00:04:34,440
question is about replacing it?

84
00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:35,580
Right.

85
00:04:35,580 --> 00:04:37,350
Will they have any idea about that?

86
00:04:37,350 --> 00:04:43,440
The first problem that we can identify is that we have an incomplete topic sentence.

87
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,690
We have an incomplete topic sentence.

88
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:52,740
And so if we were to fix that topic sentence, it would just look something like that.

89
00:04:52,740 --> 00:04:53,820
Very simple.

90
00:04:53,850 --> 00:05:00,480
Firstly, the biggest drawback to combustion engines is that they cause pollution karma demanding its

91
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:01,320
replacement.

92
00:05:01,350 --> 00:05:10,710
Now we have the question, you know, the question that has to be addressed in the topic sentence.

93
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:12,120
Right.

94
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,730
There was something missing from the topic sentence.

95
00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:22,230
When you don't, again, like I said, if you don't write topic sentences correctly, you really destroy

96
00:05:22,230 --> 00:05:29,970
the coherence and cohesion of a paragraph because the whole paragraph is based on the topic sentence.

97
00:05:30,570 --> 00:05:35,640
I see people putting too controlling ideas in a topic sentence and messing it up, or they put a bunch

98
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:38,820
of details in the topic sentence and mess up the cohesion.

99
00:05:39,610 --> 00:05:47,350
Or they add all this, you know, irrelevant language in a topic sentence and mess up the cohesion and

100
00:05:47,350 --> 00:05:48,730
mess up the coherence.

101
00:05:49,540 --> 00:05:53,860
So topic sentences are have a very specific purpose.

102
00:05:54,550 --> 00:05:59,020
And they're written in a specific way to accomplish specific goals.

103
00:05:59,020 --> 00:06:02,420
And you have to be able to to be able to do that.

104
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,740
So how can we further improve the paragraph?

105
00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:05,830
What else is wrong?

106
00:06:05,830 --> 00:06:07,620
Let's keep walking through the process.

107
00:06:07,630 --> 00:06:15,040
Like I said, I'm going to walk you through it step by step by step to make the paragraph better.