1 00:00:00,530 --> 00:00:03,440 So now we're talking about progression. 2 00:00:04,140 --> 00:00:05,550 Poor progression. 3 00:00:05,550 --> 00:00:07,920 What does poor progression look like? 4 00:00:11,420 --> 00:00:13,440 Right here is our paragraph. 5 00:00:13,650 --> 00:00:17,270 This paragraph has poor progression. 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:25,650 If you don't understand what poor progression or clear progression means, then you're very likely to 7 00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:29,430 make the mistake of having poor progression in your paragraphs. 8 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:29,880 Right. 9 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:33,030 So how do we fix the poor progression of this paragraph? 10 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:35,610 I'm telling you right now, it has poor progression. 11 00:00:35,610 --> 00:00:37,260 It has poor progression. 12 00:00:37,710 --> 00:00:44,130 So now let's go ahead and talk about how do we fix the poor progression of this paragraph. 13 00:00:44,130 --> 00:00:50,580 Marina, if you're going to tell me the second sentence has poor progression, why write why v to prod. 14 00:00:50,580 --> 00:00:51,150 You're right. 15 00:00:51,450 --> 00:00:54,900 That's that's the best that's dealing with the progression problem. 16 00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:55,220 Okay. 17 00:00:55,320 --> 00:01:00,270 So when we're talking about poor progression, we're talking about that the essay is not constantly 18 00:01:00,270 --> 00:01:01,440 moving forward. 19 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:04,890 The sentences in the paragraphs are not properly sequence. 20 00:01:05,670 --> 00:01:09,870 Your paragraph needs to tell new information about the central idea of the paragraph. 21 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:15,000 This second point is really a good example of what progression means. 22 00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:20,220 Does your paragraph tell us new information about the central idea of the paragraph? 23 00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:25,860 Does your paragraph further explain or narrow the focus of each new idea? 24 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,520 Are you adding to the argument or are you repeating it? 25 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:39,120 We have a couple of examples from students, right, in terms of being able to look at it so we can 26 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:39,480 see it. 27 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:43,170 This one here on the left hand side, and I can't remember who that is. 28 00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:46,830 Maybe the guy named Viz to Prod is the one who did this one. 29 00:01:46,830 --> 00:01:52,890 Firstly, the biggest drawback to combustion engines is that they cause pollution demanding its replacement 30 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:58,560 or demanding their replacement maybe because we say engines, but so his next sentence, in fact, these 31 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:03,780 mechanisms produce large quantities of exhaust fumes, extremely dangerous for the health of humans 32 00:02:03,780 --> 00:02:05,160 and the planet in general. 33 00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:08,850 He's starting off with progression. 34 00:02:09,690 --> 00:02:13,110 Because our paragraph has to talk about pollution, right? 35 00:02:13,110 --> 00:02:15,480 It has to talk about pollution and replacement. 36 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:20,220 So his next sentence is talking about pollution or contamination. 37 00:02:20,310 --> 00:02:20,490 All right. 38 00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:21,590 He has progression. 39 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:27,240 And then the next sentence, according to recent research, is 90% of users still drive combustion cars, 40 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:30,390 which clarify why we should prefer eco friendly systems instead. 41 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:36,090 This next part, his progression stopped right here with this next sentence because he's not really 42 00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:37,560 talking about pollution. 43 00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:40,560 Maybe he's talking a little bit about replacement here slightly. 44 00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:42,150 There's next one here. 45 00:02:42,180 --> 00:02:44,820 This person also has progression also. 46 00:02:44,850 --> 00:02:46,200 You know their next sentence. 47 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:50,010 People have been driving combustion cars for 100 years, creating severe pollution. 48 00:02:50,010 --> 00:02:52,050 We're progressing about pollution. 49 00:02:52,230 --> 00:02:56,730 These cars not only increase the rate of carbon dioxide, but also increase the rate of other chemical 50 00:02:56,730 --> 00:02:59,040 gases we are progressing with. 51 00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:00,480 We are we are progressing. 52 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:05,160 We're still talking about pollution and we're adding in new information. 53 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:09,270 For example, recent research shows that 90% of people today still drive combustion cars. 54 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:10,620 So now we've stopped. 55 00:03:10,860 --> 00:03:15,870 Whoever this is, you messed up the progression because this sentence has nothing to do with the progression. 56 00:03:15,870 --> 00:03:21,070 It has nothing to do with the progression of pollution or replacing the combustion engine. 57 00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:27,400 So this sentence is an interruption in progression, then they pick back up on progression again. 58 00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:31,980 This clearly points out that chemical gases that are dangerous to health are too high in the air. 59 00:03:31,980 --> 00:03:33,390 So we're talking about it. 60 00:03:33,570 --> 00:03:35,580 So this person has somewhat progression. 61 00:03:35,580 --> 00:03:41,940 Also, when we're talking about progression, everybody we're talking about are you progressing the 62 00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:46,080 central idea of the body paragraph? 63 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:49,260 Are you progressing the topic sentence? 64 00:03:53,380 --> 00:03:57,850 Now we see some examples of of where this well, they didn't do a good job. 65 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,550 People have been driving combustion cars for 100 years. 66 00:04:00,550 --> 00:04:01,600 So what? 67 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,130 This is not progressing. 68 00:04:03,130 --> 00:04:04,240 The controlling idea. 69 00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:07,870 Recent research shows that 90% of people still drive combustion cars. 70 00:04:07,870 --> 00:04:09,130 So what? 71 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:10,870 That is not progressing. 72 00:04:11,170 --> 00:04:12,280 That's not progressing. 73 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,360 The central idea. 74 00:04:13,390 --> 00:04:16,240 This shows that combustion cars are used too much today. 75 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,440 So what? 76 00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:19,420 Write these first three sentences. 77 00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:21,100 Sentences can be thrown away. 78 00:04:21,130 --> 00:04:24,820 Combustion engines use fuels which are going to be extinct in the near future. 79 00:04:25,540 --> 00:04:26,480 So what? 80 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,740 You're not telling me how they cause pollution? 81 00:04:28,750 --> 00:04:32,680 The alternative to the internal combustion engine is the electric powered vehicle. 82 00:04:32,710 --> 00:04:32,990 Right. 83 00:04:33,010 --> 00:04:34,810 How is this related to pollution? 84 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:35,230 Right. 85 00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:38,530 So one thing that you all have to understand is what? 86 00:04:38,530 --> 00:04:40,420 What does clear progression mean? 87 00:04:40,450 --> 00:04:45,100 Do we have progression from the beginning of the paragraph all the way to the end of the paragraph? 88 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:47,990 All right. 89 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,280 Here's an example of progression. 90 00:04:55,630 --> 00:05:00,280 First, combustion engines are the causes of environmental pollution by carbon dioxide emissions. 91 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:04,540 Next, carbon dioxide emissions are the cause of global warming by giving heat. 92 00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:09,880 Second, combustion engines make nitrogen oxide that makes toxic brown gas and the air. 93 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:14,470 Also, nitrogen dioxide and hydrocarbons make ozone pollution. 94 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:24,430 So the paragraph, at least here, is staying focused on pollution and combustion engines. 95 00:05:24,460 --> 00:05:28,610 The person here has some type of progression, right? 96 00:05:28,630 --> 00:05:30,260 There's some type of progression. 97 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:34,240 I hope now that everybody is clear on what progression means. 98 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:40,630 And we had an example of of of poor progression and what clear progression means. 99 00:05:40,630 --> 00:05:44,020 Like and if you don't have clear progression, then you have a big problem. 100 00:05:44,020 --> 00:05:45,550 But what else can we do? 101 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,070 What else can we do with this paragraph? 102 00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:50,070 Right. 103 00:05:50,070 --> 00:05:54,450 There is an example of poor progression and more clear progression right next to each other. 104 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,880 So now let's talk about weak language. 105 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:02,750 All right. 106 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,950 Let's talk about weak language and ignore this here. 107 00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:05,760 Talking about linking. 108 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:06,770 We're not there yet. 109 00:06:06,780 --> 00:06:08,490 We're talking about weak language. 110 00:06:08,490 --> 00:06:12,570 So can you identify all the weak words? 111 00:06:12,570 --> 00:06:12,990 Right. 112 00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:15,060 Make a list in the chat box. 113 00:06:15,060 --> 00:06:16,950 Make a list in the chat box. 114 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:22,800 What are all the what are all the weak words in this paragraph? 115 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,660 We've improved the progression somewhat. 116 00:06:24,660 --> 00:06:28,620 Now we've gotten better progression, but we still now we have another problem. 117 00:06:28,620 --> 00:06:30,990 The next problem is weak language. 118 00:06:31,710 --> 00:06:34,680 Using weak language often keeps you below a seven. 119 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,300 So see if you can put a list together again. 120 00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:43,350 Put all your words together in one response of the weak language. 121 00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:44,280 Now, toxic. 122 00:06:44,310 --> 00:06:46,770 Toxic brown gas is actually fine. 123 00:06:46,770 --> 00:06:48,670 Ah, is make right. 124 00:06:48,690 --> 00:06:50,610 Those are that's weak language. 125 00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:51,570 It is. 126 00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:56,790 The pollution is definitely a weak word because it's repeated over and over and over again. 127 00:06:56,790 --> 00:06:58,020 There's nothing wrong with that. 128 00:06:58,020 --> 00:06:59,820 And they that's reference pronouns. 129 00:06:59,850 --> 00:07:07,590 Those those are fine give make make calls good job right is our makes right. 130 00:07:07,590 --> 00:07:13,080 So good we've done a good job of of looking at a lot of the the weak language. 131 00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:18,040 All right. 132 00:07:18,090 --> 00:07:20,020 So here you can take a look at the weak language. 133 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:23,310 The words in red are week words. 134 00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:31,350 Biggest, very basic to is the words in green are words that are repeated where you should try to use 135 00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:33,180 synonyms or paraphrasing. 136 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:42,870 The words in yellow are phrases that are wordy, right or should be replaced by giving makes make. 137 00:07:42,870 --> 00:07:44,580 We look at word make make, make. 138 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:50,070 Repeating the same words simple words, basic words, same word, same phrases. 139 00:07:50,310 --> 00:07:53,430 This is what you refer to as weak language. 140 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,520 This is referred to as weak language. 141 00:07:56,610 --> 00:08:02,610 Let's talk about being able to replace the weak words or replace the wordy phrases. 142 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,170 Let's talk about that a little bit. 143 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:09,030 So if we look here, we can look at what a couple of students did. 144 00:08:10,230 --> 00:08:13,440 You could see that this person tried to include some different words. 145 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:19,500 The serious drawback of combustion engines are that they cause pollution. 146 00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:22,320 So they did use the word serious here. 147 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:26,310 First, combustion nations engines force environmental pollution. 148 00:08:26,310 --> 00:08:27,350 Good upgrade. 149 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:34,210 Next, carbon emission pollution increases heat that causes global warming good leads to. 150 00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:38,280 So that one this person did a pretty good job of trying to upgrade their language. 151 00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:40,860 Firstly, they emit carbon dioxide. 152 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:44,400 Good job disposes. 153 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:46,810 I would have disposes. 154 00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:51,150 Nitrogen dioxide oxide, which in turn releases toxic brown gas. 155 00:08:51,180 --> 00:08:51,930 Good job. 156 00:08:51,930 --> 00:08:54,000 Creates ozone depletion. 157 00:08:54,030 --> 00:08:54,810 Good job. 158 00:08:56,010 --> 00:08:56,240 Right. 159 00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,710 So I think I think a lot of you are getting the point. 160 00:08:59,810 --> 00:09:00,710 Major. 161 00:09:01,530 --> 00:09:05,130 Pretty good generate huge quantity of carbon dioxide. 162 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:09,630 These engines emit nitrogen dioxide creates toxic brown gas. 163 00:09:09,630 --> 00:09:17,670 Depletion of ozone deemed as the reason of causing that's kind of wordy can be deemed as the reason 164 00:09:17,670 --> 00:09:18,660 of causing. 165 00:09:19,290 --> 00:09:23,550 That's an example of I'll see you tried to change it, but you made it more wordy. 166 00:09:23,940 --> 00:09:26,970 Whoever did this emits pollution, right? 167 00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:28,740 Produces nitrogen oxide. 168 00:09:28,740 --> 00:09:32,220 So I think I think you all get the point, which is good. 169 00:09:32,220 --> 00:09:33,180 You get the point. 170 00:09:33,180 --> 00:09:42,180 So one on one area in which you can really impress the examiner and be able to move your score from 171 00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:48,630 a six or 6.5 to a seven is you're being able to upgrade the weak language. 172 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:54,480 Like I said, that's an example of attacking the rubric, attacking the rubric. 173 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:07,560 Right now here you can see one that really attack the rubric pollution signifies one significant combustion 174 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:10,080 engine drawback demanding its replacement. 175 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:16,320 First, fossil fuel engines promote environmental contamination through carbon dioxide emissions. 176 00:10:16,350 --> 00:10:21,960 Next, carbon dioxide emitted impurities advanced global warming through heat reflection. 177 00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:29,750 Second, gasoline powered engines birth nitrogen oxide that discharges airborne toxic brown gas furthermore 178 00:10:29,770 --> 00:10:33,600 combines with hydrogen hydrocarbons to generate the fouling ozone. 179 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:41,700 Here we can see this person used a lot of paraphrasing and upgrading the language. 180 00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:42,150 Right. 181 00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:51,330 So I hope now we get we get the point of being able to upgrade language, improving upgrade language. 182 00:10:51,330 --> 00:10:51,750 Right. 183 00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:54,930 So we've already upgraded the paragraph a lot. 184 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:58,650 And right now what we're doing is just putting sugar on top of sugar. 185 00:10:58,770 --> 00:11:00,600 We're making it even more sweet. 186 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,600 But let's see how we can make this paragraph even more sweet. 187 00:11:06,270 --> 00:11:11,340 Here you have the weak language and the stronger language side by side. 188 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:18,980 And you're able to really look at and really see all the different areas in which we upgraded from weak 189 00:11:18,980 --> 00:11:19,750 to strong. 190 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,950 So what else can we do to improve it? 191 00:11:22,490 --> 00:11:26,720 Well, we have an over linking or a weak linking problem. 192 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:36,530 And we can see here that this student is really using basic linking first, next, second. 193 00:11:36,710 --> 00:11:37,850 Furthermore. 194 00:11:38,620 --> 00:11:40,510 Overthinking is a problem. 195 00:11:40,510 --> 00:11:45,400 It's a big problem when a student enters basic level English, the first thing they teach them are these 196 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,290 basic level linking words. 197 00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:53,140 And when you somebody when somebody sees your work, there should be a difference between what a basic 198 00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:56,020 student does and what a seven plus student does. 199 00:11:56,200 --> 00:12:01,960 And so sometimes when you over link, it makes your writing to be very mechanical. 200 00:12:02,230 --> 00:12:05,650 And that's a that's a problem, what we're going to do. 201 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:09,460 Let's go ahead and see if we can repair this over linking. 202 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:10,030 Okay. 203 00:12:10,090 --> 00:12:14,380 Let's see if we were able to fix some of this over linking or this low level linking. 204 00:12:14,380 --> 00:12:16,660 So here we have a couple of examples. 205 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,510 And this student did a pretty good job. 206 00:12:19,510 --> 00:12:23,080 They started off with most importantly, which sounds better than first. 207 00:12:23,650 --> 00:12:30,550 I do wish that they would have used a different word than secondly, which is a really basic word. 208 00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:36,490 I do like the use of the word consequently, because it's showing a linking between two sentences that's 209 00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:39,490 better linking when you're linking two sentences together like that. 210 00:12:39,490 --> 00:12:40,510 But I don't like the word. 211 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:43,690 Secondly, it's really basic primary factor. 212 00:12:43,690 --> 00:12:50,710 It's pretty good the use of the word vision that's really good connecting words, that's building cohesion. 213 00:12:50,740 --> 00:12:56,260 Another reason is okay and I also like ultimately because that's connecting those sentences together. 214 00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:58,030 So that's actually been improved. 215 00:13:02,660 --> 00:13:05,840 And then mainly which is good with this. 216 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:12,290 Again, that's an example of cohesion, of connecting the ideas and sentences together. 217 00:13:12,470 --> 00:13:15,750 This is flowing from one sentence to the next sentence. 218 00:13:15,770 --> 00:13:21,080 I don't know if you should be using most of all here because you already say it mainly. 219 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:24,260 So if this if this one is mainly this can't be most of all. 220 00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:26,220 So you've got to be careful with that. 221 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:27,530 Whoever did this, I don't remember. 222 00:13:27,530 --> 00:13:28,550 I don't remember the names. 223 00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:29,180 I'm sorry. 224 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:34,190 And with this one here, this once person is a good job. 225 00:13:34,190 --> 00:13:35,960 But they're not only, but also. 226 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:37,790 And then in addition to that. 227 00:13:37,790 --> 00:13:42,530 So this one, this one, this one has improved the coherence and cohesion. 228 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,660 So this that's a good job also. 229 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,380 First of all is OC. 230 00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:55,890 I think you could I think you've seen some examples that are better than first of all, using the the 231 00:13:56,070 --> 00:14:01,590 cohesive device, not always in the beginning, but using it here is really good. 232 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:09,630 In addition is OC using a reference pronoun helps to really improve the cohesion along with this. 233 00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:12,090 That's also a good way of improving it. 234 00:14:12,090 --> 00:14:18,780 And then apart from not really apart from this, probably apart from that, pretty good examples, right? 235 00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:26,670 I think we all get the point of how do we really improve our linking, how do we really improve our 236 00:14:26,670 --> 00:14:28,290 cohesive devices. 237 00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:34,740 So we're not looking like we're in the first year of learning English with first second next. 238 00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:38,970 Also another, right, that basic level stuff. 239 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:46,650 And also I hope that you've seen how we can connect the sentences together, leading from one sentence 240 00:14:46,650 --> 00:14:47,310 to the next. 241 00:14:47,310 --> 00:14:51,210 Again, the purpose of linking is to help with progression. 242 00:14:51,450 --> 00:14:55,320 You have progression of your ideas and then you have linking. 243 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,690 That helps progress from idea to idea. 244 00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:06,610 And here we have some other. 245 00:15:07,090 --> 00:15:08,260 In short. 246 00:15:08,530 --> 00:15:13,100 Fossil fuel engines promote environmental contamination through carbon dioxide emissions. 247 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:19,030 By and large, this carbon dioxide pollutes through a greenhouse effect and acid rain when mixed with 248 00:15:19,030 --> 00:15:25,330 air moisture, along with carbon dioxide pollutants, gas powered engines, birth nitrogen oxide that 249 00:15:25,330 --> 00:15:27,910 discharges airborne toxic brown gas. 250 00:15:27,940 --> 00:15:32,360 This oxide combines with hydrocarbons to generate B fouling ozone. 251 00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:39,730 Notwithstanding these points, a further potent reason exists to exchange petrol based engines outside 252 00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:40,510 of pollution. 253 00:15:40,510 --> 00:15:43,300 Now, what am I doing with this last sentence? 254 00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:47,770 Because this last sentence really showed linking. 255 00:15:48,190 --> 00:15:50,170 What am I doing with this last sentence? 256 00:15:50,170 --> 00:15:52,330 Who knows what I'm doing with this last sentence? 257 00:15:52,330 --> 00:15:56,620 Because you're not only trying to link sentences. 258 00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:57,910 What am I doing here? 259 00:15:58,270 --> 00:15:59,650 Yeah, Chirag. 260 00:15:59,650 --> 00:16:00,970 That's what I'm doing. 261 00:16:01,270 --> 00:16:03,250 I'm introducing the next paragraph. 262 00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:05,050 I'm leading into the next paragraph. 263 00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:07,180 I'm not summarizing this paragraph. 264 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:07,630 Right. 265 00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:09,760 I'm not summarizing this paragraph. 266 00:16:10,210 --> 00:16:13,450 I'm linking this paragraph to the next paragraph. 267 00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:15,220 That is coherence. 268 00:16:15,220 --> 00:16:16,600 That is cohesion. 269 00:16:16,870 --> 00:16:17,230 Right? 270 00:16:17,230 --> 00:16:19,750 Linking from paragraph to paragraph. 271 00:16:19,750 --> 00:16:26,950 So, I mean, a lot of times people think they're they're doing coherence and doing cohesion just by 272 00:16:26,950 --> 00:16:31,390 talking about first, second, third, next. 273 00:16:31,930 --> 00:16:35,920 And that's that's I mean, that's basic level of coherence and cohesion. 274 00:16:36,630 --> 00:16:40,530 You know, you can't do basic level stuff and expect to be a seven plus score. 275 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:46,260 You have to be able to show all this different types of of cohesion and coherence. 276 00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:50,700 And I'm not trying to make some of you all feel bad about what you're doing, but you need to really 277 00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:57,870 know how do I make myself look like a seven plus writer to an examiner? 278 00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:04,470 You can have basic level skills, but if you know how to make yourself look like a seven plus person, 279 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,210 you can improve your score. 280 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:06,660 All right. 281 00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:10,640 So now we have progressed. 282 00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:14,580 We have shown we have fixed the topic sentence. 283 00:17:14,970 --> 00:17:17,340 We have shown clear progression. 284 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,680 We have fixed weak language. 285 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,660 We have fixed the linking. 286 00:17:21,690 --> 00:17:22,950 What else can we do? 287 00:17:22,980 --> 00:17:24,330 We're not finished yet. 288 00:17:26,770 --> 00:17:26,980 For. 289 00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:29,740 That's low level linking versus high level linking. 290 00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:31,690 And you can go ahead and take a look at that. 291 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,290 Let's look at a sentence variety. 292 00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:40,450 Writers look a sentence variety. 293 00:17:41,050 --> 00:17:44,530 And how can we really improve the sentence variety? 294 00:17:45,220 --> 00:17:50,950 Again, if you look at the rubric, just look at the rubric and see what it says. 295 00:17:51,830 --> 00:17:57,340 If a student is writing a lot of simple sentences, you're going to get a 5.5 for your grammar. 296 00:17:57,350 --> 00:18:02,750 If you're writing compound and complex sentences and making mistakes in doing it, you're going to have 297 00:18:02,750 --> 00:18:03,950 a six in your grammar. 298 00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:08,810 If you're writing compound and complex sentences, the right of writing them correctly, you're more 299 00:18:08,810 --> 00:18:11,060 close to a 6.5 in your grammar. 300 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:17,330 If you have a range of compound, complex and some other types of sentences, now you're moving up into 301 00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:18,980 7.5 and eight level. 302 00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:25,430 So you have to understand sentence variety and this paragraph here that we're looking at, we need to 303 00:18:25,430 --> 00:18:28,640 really improve the sentence variety. 304 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:32,780 How do we add sentence variety to this paragraph? 305 00:18:32,990 --> 00:18:37,430 Let's see if we can do that and make the paragraph better. 306 00:18:37,940 --> 00:18:43,760 So we're talking about sentence variety and how to improve sentence variety. 307 00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:50,270 So let's take a look at that because we want to show the examiner that we're not a basic level English 308 00:18:50,270 --> 00:18:50,870 student. 309 00:18:51,170 --> 00:18:58,010 When the examiner looks at our writing, we want them to look at it and say immediately, okay, I know 310 00:18:58,010 --> 00:19:00,260 this person is not a five or six. 311 00:19:01,110 --> 00:19:04,830 I can see their sentence variety and know they don't even belong in that category. 312 00:19:04,830 --> 00:19:09,540 When you have low sentence variety, it makes your writing very monotonous. 313 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:15,690 Monotonous writing, monotonous paragraphs and sentences reflect very little skill. 314 00:19:16,350 --> 00:19:20,790 There's a lot of repetition of the same sentence pattern over and over and over again. 315 00:19:21,330 --> 00:19:23,250 It decreases emphasis. 316 00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:27,720 It makes you look weak, and I don't want you to look weak. 317 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:34,440 So let's take a look at what some students did in terms of being able to increase their variety. 318 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,450 This one has good variety. 319 00:19:36,450 --> 00:19:40,380 They're using a correlative conjunction with not only, but also. 320 00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:44,880 And then here they're making a compound sentence by using because. 321 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:46,530 So they're doing a really good job. 322 00:19:46,530 --> 00:19:48,100 Actually, I think they're trying to make a comp. 323 00:19:48,470 --> 00:19:51,870 This one is actually I think Campbell's did this one. 324 00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:54,840 Campbell's this is too long. 325 00:19:54,930 --> 00:19:59,340 Everybody, I want to give you an example of when a sentence is too long. 326 00:20:00,390 --> 00:20:02,130 Like, I know what you're trying to do. 327 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:08,670 Campbell's, I think this is Campbell's, but you made the sentence too long. 328 00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:12,510 And when you make a sentence too long, it becomes hard to read. 329 00:20:13,050 --> 00:20:18,780 Gasoline powered engines burst, nitrogen nitrogen oxide that discharges airborne toxic gases because 330 00:20:18,780 --> 00:20:21,960 this oxide combines with hydrocarbons to generate ozone pollution. 331 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:22,590 Period. 332 00:20:22,590 --> 00:20:25,710 Stop, stop right here. 333 00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:27,510 Ozone pollution, stop. 334 00:20:27,870 --> 00:20:29,250 But you didn't stop. 335 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,230 You just kept on going. 336 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:34,140 And now you have entered the realm of confusion. 337 00:20:34,470 --> 00:20:40,350 And notwithstanding these points, a further pertinent reason to exist to swap out petrol based engines 338 00:20:40,350 --> 00:20:42,510 outside of That's too much, man. 339 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,240 You made the sentence too long. 340 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,860 Somebody is going to have to read that two or three times to kind of put it all together. 341 00:20:50,190 --> 00:20:53,460 So super long doesn't mean better. 342 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:54,980 Right. 343 00:20:55,010 --> 00:20:58,320 I think this next one is designed and Hassan did a pretty good job. 344 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,600 He made a complex sentence. 345 00:21:01,550 --> 00:21:06,350 This carbon dioxide pollutes to a greenhouse effect and acid rain when mixed with air moisture. 346 00:21:08,270 --> 00:21:10,730 Gasoline powered engine birth. 347 00:21:10,730 --> 00:21:11,540 Nitrogen oxides. 348 00:21:11,540 --> 00:21:13,550 So compound sentence. 349 00:21:14,060 --> 00:21:17,390 Then we have a conditional sentence, which is really good. 350 00:21:17,420 --> 00:21:22,370 Hassan So when I look at this, I see the student has a right to see. 351 00:21:22,370 --> 00:21:24,710 This student belongs in a seven category. 352 00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:30,930 Right now. 353 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,790 This one might be by Bhavana and Bhavana did something I liked. 354 00:21:35,010 --> 00:21:38,040 She started out with a correlative conjunction, which is good. 355 00:21:38,550 --> 00:21:40,310 They actually used a really great one. 356 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:41,610 This is a sentence I like. 357 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:49,440 While the former results in acid rain with mixed with air moisture, the latter combining with hydrocarbons 358 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:50,580 creates ozone pollution. 359 00:21:50,580 --> 00:21:58,140 That is a that is like a high level sentence right there, making a complaint, making a complex sentence, 360 00:21:58,230 --> 00:22:05,250 and then using former and latter correctly, then ending with a transition sentence to the next paragraph. 361 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:09,630 Now you're talking about people doing like 8 to 9 level work. 362 00:22:09,630 --> 00:22:10,860 And here we have another one. 363 00:22:10,860 --> 00:22:15,220 Also, in short, because we're using we have a complex sentence here. 364 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:21,000 In addition, researchers say birth dioxide, you know, the first one, they changed it to a complex. 365 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,430 But everybody gets the point. 366 00:22:23,430 --> 00:22:26,430 Again, we want to show sentence variety. 367 00:22:26,460 --> 00:22:33,150 I put some of these examples here from other students so that you can learn about different ways you 368 00:22:33,150 --> 00:22:34,860 can do sentence variety. 369 00:22:35,610 --> 00:22:41,400 Like I said, I really like what Bhavana did in terms of, you know, using former and ladder. 370 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:43,590 I think that was great. 371 00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:50,040 But I hope you all get the point in terms of what we're trying to do or trying to show you. 372 00:22:53,310 --> 00:22:54,240 Right here. 373 00:22:54,270 --> 00:23:03,240 We're looking at where we're using when complex while complex along with this is a complex form compound. 374 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,780 And so this one also has upgraded sensors variety. 375 00:23:06,780 --> 00:23:12,240 I think what you all saw from what Bhuvan did in terms of using former and ladder, I think that was 376 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:13,410 very talented. 377 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:21,000 I mean, you've seen some of the things that you've seen some of the things that have been done in terms 378 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:25,380 of being able to improve Cintas variety and what that looks like, what better sensors variety looks 379 00:23:25,380 --> 00:23:25,830 like. 380 00:23:25,830 --> 00:23:30,930 This is this is where we're we're still working on this one paragraph. 381 00:23:30,930 --> 00:23:38,190 And I'm trying to show you how you can just mine a paragraph to be able to make your writing better. 382 00:23:38,220 --> 00:23:44,370 See what a lot of students do, and I'm going to go on a diatribe for a moment because this is something 383 00:23:44,370 --> 00:23:50,760 that's going to be frustrating to see people think they're going to get better by just right, right, 384 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:53,160 right, right, right, right, right, right, right. 385 00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:58,680 I'll just write 50 essays and then I keep getting the same score. 386 00:23:58,710 --> 00:24:00,720 That's not going to make you better. 387 00:24:00,750 --> 00:24:01,290 Right? 388 00:24:01,290 --> 00:24:07,770 Take take one of your essays and do what I'm doing right now. 389 00:24:08,490 --> 00:24:15,630 Work the heck out of that one essay, you know, improving it, improving it, improving it, improving 390 00:24:15,630 --> 00:24:24,270 it, doing what I'm doing, you know, mining and adjusting and fixing and repairing and upgrading your 391 00:24:24,270 --> 00:24:29,760 one essay instead of writing 50 essays and doing the same mistakes over and over and over again. 392 00:24:29,790 --> 00:24:36,600 If you do what I'm doing right now to just one of your essays and you work the heck out of that one 393 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:43,800 essay, you're improving your skill level, you're doing things that are making you better according 394 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:44,790 to the rubric. 395 00:24:44,790 --> 00:24:47,280 Then when you do the next essay. 396 00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:52,740 You'll be able to make sure you carry over what you've done. 397 00:24:52,770 --> 00:25:01,680 The reason why some of you don't get better is you just look at you might look at your mistakes or look 398 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:07,050 at what a grammar check tells you, and then you'll just write another one, and that's why you're not 399 00:25:07,050 --> 00:25:07,830 getting better. 400 00:25:08,130 --> 00:25:16,350 So we've done Cintas Variety and we've looked at Cintas Variety in terms of what does that look like 401 00:25:16,770 --> 00:25:21,540 in terms of average Cintas variety and higher level or better Cintas variety? 402 00:25:21,690 --> 00:25:23,730 But we have one more problem. 403 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:28,380 We have one more problem with this with this paragraph. 404 00:25:30,650 --> 00:25:35,180 And the paragraph is not necessarily addressing the question directly. 405 00:25:36,340 --> 00:25:38,950 Is indirectly addressing the question. 406 00:25:39,980 --> 00:25:42,620 Is not directly addressing the question. 407 00:25:43,420 --> 00:25:45,970 So how do we make this paragraph? 408 00:25:46,270 --> 00:25:49,270 More directly answer the question. 409 00:25:49,540 --> 00:25:52,830 This is one of the biggest problems that I see in writing. 410 00:25:52,840 --> 00:26:00,460 Writing a paragraph that indirectly addresses the question and doesn't directly address address the 411 00:26:00,460 --> 00:26:01,220 question. 412 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,270 This is very often what keeps people from reaching. 413 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:12,440 Like you might be able to get to a seven or a 7.5, but you're not going to get to an eight, 8.5 or 414 00:26:12,460 --> 00:26:15,460 nine if you can't address the question. 415 00:26:15,610 --> 00:26:17,980 You won't even make it above a seven, to be honest with you. 416 00:26:19,210 --> 00:26:20,580 You have to be able to do that. 417 00:26:20,790 --> 00:26:22,170 So how do we do that? 418 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:26,610 How do we make this paragraph directly? 419 00:26:26,610 --> 00:26:27,480 Answer the question. 420 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,040 Let's let's try to do that. 421 00:26:29,100 --> 00:26:29,510 Okay. 422 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:31,260 So everybody is look at this. 423 00:26:31,260 --> 00:26:32,220 Look at this. 424 00:26:32,220 --> 00:26:41,190 So we can understand this is something that examiners if you really talk to them and I know I know some 425 00:26:41,190 --> 00:26:44,580 of them actually personally, I've actually worked with some of them before. 426 00:26:44,610 --> 00:26:45,690 This is a problem. 427 00:26:45,690 --> 00:26:46,020 Right. 428 00:26:46,020 --> 00:26:51,590 So the question technology is constantly being replaced or updated. 429 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,540 Name one technology you would replace. 430 00:26:54,660 --> 00:27:00,570 Now, when we look at the topic, sentence, pollution signifies one significant combustion engine drawback 431 00:27:00,570 --> 00:27:02,020 demanding its replacement. 432 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:09,360 The big problem here with this paragraph, we see that the author put the word replacement in the topic 433 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:13,560 sentence like they should, but then look at the rest of the paragraph. 434 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:13,950 Right. 435 00:27:13,950 --> 00:27:19,740 We see we see the word replacement in the beginning and we see the word or synonym of replacement at 436 00:27:19,740 --> 00:27:20,520 the end. 437 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:28,980 We needed to blend that language of replacement or exchanging into the other sentences, blend that 438 00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:36,510 in, because it's not just about what technology would you change, you know, not just naming the technology 439 00:27:36,510 --> 00:27:41,130 or the problem with the technology, but why would you replace it? 440 00:27:41,130 --> 00:27:47,280 So that language of replace, we just have it in the topic sentence and then the transition sentence 441 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:50,280 but is not blended in anywhere else. 442 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:56,520 If you just blend that language in, it helps with the cohesion and coherence and with your actually 443 00:27:56,730 --> 00:27:59,430 seeming like you're answering the question. 444 00:27:59,460 --> 00:28:03,570 Campbell's did it a little bit and you did it down here at the end. 445 00:28:03,570 --> 00:28:08,670 You know, he added a sentence is because of all that, we do need to replace this technology quickly. 446 00:28:09,060 --> 00:28:15,090 So at least the at least the examiner can see that he's trying to say because of these reasons, we 447 00:28:15,090 --> 00:28:16,290 need to replace it. 448 00:28:16,290 --> 00:28:22,530 So he's kind of answering the question, but really that that sentence he wrote is, it's okay. 449 00:28:22,530 --> 00:28:25,050 That's one way of doing it right here. 450 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:31,260 The person, you know, kind of rewrote the topic sentence and made two sentences. 451 00:28:31,260 --> 00:28:36,990 And we've talked about replacement, replacement, but again, we didn't really see it blended in and 452 00:28:36,990 --> 00:28:39,570 so it wasn't established. 453 00:28:39,780 --> 00:28:47,250 As Rochelle said in the comment, we didn't establish it enough in the meat of the paragraph. 454 00:28:47,820 --> 00:28:54,330 And so I want to I want to show you what that looks like, because then I think you'll understand what 455 00:28:54,330 --> 00:28:59,850 you really want to try to do and when and when and when, according to the rubric, when they say, 456 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:04,260 did you answer all parts of the question, what does that mean? 457 00:29:05,100 --> 00:29:05,550 Right? 458 00:29:05,550 --> 00:29:08,820 What does that mean when they say, Did you answer all parts of the question? 459 00:29:12,100 --> 00:29:13,960 This is what that might look like. 460 00:29:16,630 --> 00:29:16,810 Right. 461 00:29:16,830 --> 00:29:18,360 Look at look at what I did here. 462 00:29:18,570 --> 00:29:18,870 All right. 463 00:29:18,870 --> 00:29:24,990 Pollution signifies one significant combustion engine drawback demanding its replacement, whereas replacement. 464 00:29:24,990 --> 00:29:29,910 In short, when driving fossil fuel engine vehicles, operators promote environmental contamination 465 00:29:29,910 --> 00:29:31,710 through carbon dioxide emissions. 466 00:29:31,950 --> 00:29:39,060 Replacing this offending carbon dioxide generating engine cures not only the greenhouse effect, but 467 00:29:39,060 --> 00:29:40,350 also acid rain. 468 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:47,550 For similar reasons, this motor substitution must transpire as these gasoline powered engines birth 469 00:29:47,550 --> 00:29:51,850 nitrogen oxide that discharges airborne toxic brown gas. 470 00:29:51,870 --> 00:29:55,620 When combined with hydrocarbons, it generates by fouling ozone. 471 00:29:55,980 --> 00:30:00,180 Notwithstanding a further pertinent reason to exchange. 472 00:30:00,270 --> 00:30:01,340 So look. 473 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:02,940 Do you all see it now? 474 00:30:03,390 --> 00:30:05,370 Do you see how I. 475 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:09,690 The language that I added into the meat of the paragraph. 476 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:13,800 How it makes it seem like I'm answering the question. 477 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:14,250 Right. 478 00:30:14,580 --> 00:30:14,910 A lot. 479 00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:19,800 That's why I say a lot of times people think they're doing great and you're not doing great because 480 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:21,450 you're not doing this stuff. 481 00:30:21,780 --> 00:30:26,220 You have to be able to see that clear position through the paragraph. 482 00:30:26,220 --> 00:30:27,180 Exactly. 483 00:30:27,210 --> 00:30:28,380 Clear position. 484 00:30:28,380 --> 00:30:31,080 That's what clear position means, right? 485 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:32,910 That's what clear progression means. 486 00:30:32,910 --> 00:30:34,970 That's what a clear position means. 487 00:30:34,980 --> 00:30:35,970 That's what it means. 488 00:30:35,970 --> 00:30:43,110 You answered all parts of the question is very, very difficult to score seven, eight and nine if you 489 00:30:43,110 --> 00:30:45,900 don't understand what these parts of the rubric mean. 490 00:30:45,900 --> 00:30:54,540 And I saved this I saved this last thing until the end, because it's one of the it's one of the biggest 491 00:30:54,780 --> 00:30:56,040 problems. 492 00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:02,840 That we see in writing and why people don't understand they're not getting the score they want. 493 00:31:03,590 --> 00:31:10,190 Like a lot of you may have looked at this paragraph before and probably most of you, you know, looked 494 00:31:10,190 --> 00:31:15,980 at the paragraph before that we wrote and you probably said, Oh, that's pretty good. 495 00:31:16,100 --> 00:31:17,120 Yeah, I like that. 496 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:18,830 That looks good. 497 00:31:18,830 --> 00:31:24,320 And it looks good, but it's it's indirect, right? 498 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:25,760 It's indirect. 499 00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:28,730 And now we're directly answering the question. 500 00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:37,130 And I kind of wanted to save that towards the end, because now you see what a band nine paragraph really 501 00:31:37,130 --> 00:31:37,970 looks like. 502 00:31:38,330 --> 00:31:44,360 This actually is more than bare nine, to be honest with you, because I've just worked the paragraph 503 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:48,950 until I tried, until I just tried to improve it as much as I can. 504 00:31:48,950 --> 00:31:55,130 And that's what you need to do to your own paragraphs, to your own writing work. 505 00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:58,580 Take one body paragraph and work it. 506 00:31:58,580 --> 00:31:59,570 Work it over. 507 00:31:59,570 --> 00:32:01,970 Stop writing 50 essays. 508 00:32:01,970 --> 00:32:03,490 You don't need to do all of that, right? 509 00:32:03,500 --> 00:32:13,490 So side by side we have an example of the question in directly answered and the question more directly 510 00:32:13,490 --> 00:32:14,330 answered. 511 00:32:14,930 --> 00:32:25,460 Here we see a lot of good things, strong vocabulary, we see sentence variety, we see we see progression, 512 00:32:25,910 --> 00:32:27,620 but it's indirect. 513 00:32:27,620 --> 00:32:34,400 The reader would have to fill in the missing spaces on the other side, with the question being directly 514 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:37,550 answered, there's nothing to fill in is clear. 515 00:32:39,900 --> 00:32:40,290 All right. 516 00:32:40,290 --> 00:32:43,600 So I hope this was a great benefit to you. 517 00:32:43,620 --> 00:32:46,110 Thank you very much for joining me today. 518 00:32:46,650 --> 00:32:52,710 I hope that you were able to really learn a lot and have a really fantastic day. 519 00:32:52,740 --> 00:32:54,360 Thank you very, very much.